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cherriesfineline · 3 years

Text

MEET HALFWAY OUR NEEDS - one shot

a/n: hi! this is my first time ever posting one of my writings online (I'm about to shit myself but oh well). I literally wrote this so fast I'm impressed, but anyways I (kind of) proof read this -not really- just quickly read through it after I finished it. English isn't my first language (I'm so self conscious I'm probably gonna say that every time I post something) but besides that, I really hope you enjoy this <3 feedback is truly appreciated, it helps me improve!

-Joey

Pairing: Harry x Y/N

Warnings: detailed sexual content

Word count: 9.2k (of mostly smut??? sorry)

the one where Harry wants to get married but Y/N doesn't.

As you grow older, you start realizing life isn't as easy as it seemed when you were a kid. Not everyone gets lucky enough to have a job they're passionate about. Not everyone can satisfy all their necessities. In fact, you realize it's most people instead of "not everyone". Friendships and relationships won't last you a lifetime (those promises of being there for each other forever now seem like genuine naiveness) if you don't put enough effort in them. When you are young you believe that being able to play for hours straight without getting bored is what true friendship is about. And maybe it is, during those years. Adult relationships require a lot of time, and effort. And sometimes, sacrifice. Conversations have a different weight, and being able to trust someone with your most uneasy thoughts and experiences is hard. To find and to keep. When it comes to love, you start realizing that the thrill and intensity of teen romance isn't what true love is about. It's not about getting into fights, hardcore jealousy and toxicity behaviors. It's about being able to just be there, with that someone. Being able to coexist in each other's worlds, share what you're passionate about without any fear or remorse, being able to communicate. To ask for help when needed. Now, that doesn't mean things can't get complicated. For the past two months, Y/N and Harry's relationship has been balancing on a very, extremely, thin line. After six years of being together, and three of those living together, being the happiest they've ever been, everything started to look different for Harry. He was ready to take a step Y/N wasn't. Harry always knew he wanted to get married, have kids, move to a pretty house outside New York (it's been his favorite city ever since he visited when he was 12, then moving all the way across the globe from Manchester to attend Columbia University). And when he met Y/N, he knew she was the one he wanted all that with. But Y/N... she wasn't so sure that was the life she wanted. Having kids was a no at least until she was in her 30's. And even then, she knew she'd have to re consider if that's what she really wanted. She loves kids, she has a couple nieces a nephew's (coming from a big family has it's perks) and she's a preschool teacher. She's good with kids, but she wasn't so sure she'd be a great mother. Not for a specific reason, but she really feels like that's the case. Taking care of someone else's kids versus your own is extremely different. Now... it gets even more complicated when it comes to marriage. She doesn't believe that a piece of paper kept in a legal's office will make any changes in their relationship. It will all stay the same, married or not, so she just doesn't think it's important, nor worth the money. Harry, on the other hand, thinks marrying her will change everything in his life. For the better. He loves her more than he'll ever be able to put into words. And because he can't put it into words, he feels like it's the actions, small and big, that help him communicate his love a bit better. He still remembers the moment he mentioned marriage to her (not for the first time, but definitely the first time he actually thought 'ok i really want to marry her right now') like it happened yesterday. He remembers exactly what it felt like to physically feel his heart shatter inside his chest, and the way he silently cried himself to sleep that night with Y/N in his arms. "Would you ever, uh... consider g-getting married? like, I don't know, if we ever have, like, an actual conversation about it, would you consider it?" He asked her in the middle of their Lord of the Rings marathon. Harry could feel her intense staring at the side of his face. She was quiet for so long, it killed him. He truly wanted the cushions of their pink couch to just suck him inside the furniture piece. He wouldn't dare to turn his face. He couldn't look at her, no. Not to face the rejection of his lifetime. "Uh, I don't think so." She said, and Harry only nodded, thinking the conversation was over

once he felt her move her head to face the television again. "You know how I feel about you and how I feel about marriage. I honestly think it's useless. You don't need a signed paper to know how much I love you, Harry." Her tone was soft, but the words that left her mouth felt like a million knives inside his chest. That conversation sent him spiraling over a thousand thoughts, overthinking their entire relationship and how he now felt like they were getting nowhere with it. He respected her decision, though. That's why he didn't bring it up again. Y/N sensed his mood change that same night. She kept her mouth shut, because she truly didn't know what to say. She didn't understand where he was coming from, or why it was so important to him. At first, she didn't think his mood was affected because of her not wanting to get married, maybe he had something else going on and was struggling to talk about it, but after many sessions with her therapist going over and over their conversations and trying to decipher why everything was so weird between them, she came to the conclusion it might have to do with them not getting married. She just didn't want it. And she didn't know how to make him understand. But she couldn't lose him either. He was her everything. It took her months to be able to sit next to him like she did the night he was watching The Little Mermaid in the living room of their small New York apartment. It's been months since they last shared a movie night, or a date. They've been eating dinner while having awkward small talk about their jobs and friends, going straight to bed after cleaning everything up, each to their side. They haven't touched each other except the occasional greeting peck ever since that night. And it was killing both of them, but neither knew how to approach the other. As she sat down to his right, she saw him tense immediately. It broke her, to see him so on guard around her. Y/N couldn't look away from him, with her body facing him and her head rested on the back of the couch, she wanted to grab his hand so badly, but she didn't know if he'd reject her. The doorbell rang, and he looked at her for the first time that night. His eyebrows had the cutest frown and she wanted to kiss his forehead to make him relax, but of course, she didn't. She sent him a shy smile and stood up, going straight to the door and picking up the cash she left prepared on the little table next to it. She could feel his stare burning holes in her back, which sent chills down her spine. "Thank you so much." Harry heard Y/N say, immediately hearing the door shut. From where he was sitting he didn't have a clear view on who was on the other side of the door. Y/N made her way to their kitchen (to do God knows what, Harry thought) only to appear seconds after with two tubes of ice cream (from his favorite place) and two big spoons. She sat back down next to him with her legs under her, a little closer than moments ago but still out of Harry's reach. She handed him one of the tubes, and Harry immediately noticed it was chocolate chip mint, his favorite, he might add. He looked up at her, who gave him a small shrug of her shoulders and a side smile, and he couldn't help but smile widely at her, his deep dimples on full display. God, I missed those dimples so bad. Y/N thought. But what she didn't know is that Harry was thinking about how much he missed her. Entirely. He hated himself for overthinking every small detail, and for thinking so lowly of their future. But he couldn't help it. "Thanks." He shyly took the ice cream and started eating right away. Not five minutes later, he grabbed her by her thigh and dragged her next to him, only to have her close to his body. And because he missed her. And her body heat. And her addictive smell of clean soap and vanilla. And a lot of other things which would take a lifetime to enumerate. She looked at him from her new spot, and due to the proximity, she had to shift her head slightly up to look at his face. She slid her right arm around his left,

carefully looking at him to see any kind of reaction that might show discomfort, and when she noticed his smirk slowly and barely making an appearance, she relaxed next to him, fitting half of her body under his arm, with his elbow resting on her stomach and her head on his upper arm. Half way through the movie, with their ice cream tubes forgotten on their coffee table, Y/N looked back up to him, and even though she's been doing it every two minutes, Harry knew she wanted to say something this time. He doesn't look at her, though, thinking it might shy her away, but right when he was trying to concentrate back on the film, he heard her say something. It was barely audible, almost like she didn't want him to hear it. Did he imagine it? Maybe he's so deprived from her and her touch and her words that he's finally going insane. Harry looked at her this time, and looking straight at her grey eyes so closely for the first time in two months felt like a thousand fireworks exploding violently on his stomach. "Did you say something?" He looked at her confused, and the look on her eyes is so hard to decipher he thinks she definitely said something she's scared to repeat. "I miss you." Y/N repeated herself, barely louder. But then he knew for sure he didn't imagine it. His Y/N missed him. For so long Harry thought he was losing her, that after distancing himself from her she finally realized she not only didn't want marriage, but a relationship with him at all. But she missed him. And he missed her. "You miss me?" He asked, almost like he didn't believe her, his tone was low and his voice sounded deeper that ever. Y/N nodded, but she felt pathetic. She felt like he didn't miss her like she missed him, maybe he didn't miss her at all. For two months she's been feeling like he wanted out, that this relationship felt like an obligation to him. Harry felt her slowly sliding away from his arms, and that's when he realized he's been so stuck in his head he still hadn't replied. "Don't," he quickly grabbed her by her thigh with his hand closest to her body "please, don't go." She stayed still in her place, looking at him with soft but sad eyes. "I miss you so much, Y/N." Harry turned on his spot so he's facing her, and softly cupped her jaw with his free hand, caressing her cheek with his thumb. "You have no idea." He whispered, slowly getting her face close to his while closing his eyes. He kissed her forehead so lovingly she literally burst into tears. Y/N's soft sobs alarmed Harry, lifting her head up by his hold on her jaw. "Please, don't cry baby. It breaks me when you cry." Y/N shifted on her place so she was with her body facing the back of the couch, her knees pressed against it, but she tilted her body to the side so she could hug Harry. She slowly draped her arms around his torso, resting her head on his chest. A sigh of relief left Harry's lips, resting his chin on top of her head while he hugged her back. One of his arms was resting low on her back, while the other one rested on her shoulder, his giant hand cupping her head to softly caress her hair. They stayed in that position for a long time. Y/N could feel Harry's heartbeat, and how it slowly picked up speed when she pressed her lips to his chest. And even though he was wearing a shirt, Harry could feel the heat of her lips through it. He pressed his own lips on top of her head, leaving them there for a while, almost like a very long, still kiss, until he felt her head shift underneath his lips. He pulled away just barely to allow her to look up at him, and when she noticed him quickly looking down to her lips, she stretched her neck up to press their lips together. It was a short, very sweet kiss. With fear as an undertaste and nervousness written all over her. She was just scared he was going to leave. When she pulled away from him, she didn't have time to open her eyes as she felt Harry press their lips together again. This second kiss was almost the same as the first one, insecure. It's funny, if you think about it. How similar their

feelings were and how scared they were of messing everything up with a single wrong move. Once Harry pulled away from the kiss he initiated, they locked eyes, yet again. But this time, it was written all over their faces how badly they missed each other, and how much they dreaded to feel the effects each had on one another after so long. The third kiss they shared, it's initiated from both sides, almost as they were able to read each other's minds. Their lips moved in sync, and as Harry softly captured Y/N's bottom lip between his own to slightly suck on it, she put more pressure into it. The kiss slowly started to gain force, passion and need. But she was scared to take the next step. She wanted him to take the full lead, as opposed to what they were used to, just because she didn't want him to feel like he owed her anything. And then, he did take that step. The hand he had holding her jaw moved under her hair to grab her by the neck, while slowly tracing her bottom lip with his tongue, asking for access to her mouth. And once she allowed their tongues to meet, his hold on her lower back got stronger, draping his arm completely around her waist to pull her closer. That action made Y/N's body lift up from how strong he was holding her, and she took this as a sign to move. She straddled him on the couch, sinking (almost on slow motion) to sit on top of his thighs. Harry groaned in frustration. She's too far away, he thought. "Closer." He said in a pleading tone, and Y/N complied immediately. She slid her body up his thighs, and he forced her chest to collide with his. The hand that was holding her neck slowly traced her entire spine, to join his other one on her lower back. Her tongue felt so warm and soft, so inviting. He had always loved the way she kissed him, with so much passion but with a gentleness that was so her. She managed to fully relax in his hold once her hands found their way to his hair, right behind his ears, and he couldn't help but whimper at the feeling of their groins pressing together. This sparked a burning fire inside both of them. A fire that burned so good they'd rather die caught on it, than to never feel it again. Harry slowly slid his hands up and down her sides, all the way from her outer thighs to her side boobs. And when he did it for the second time, on his way up he slid his hands under her shirt instead of continuing their path over it. When his hands stopped at the higher part of their path, he caressed her side boobs with his thumbs, doing the same afterwards right below them, and when she finally grinded down on him, letting a deep groan leave her lips, he cupped her breasts with his hands. But when she pulled away, he dropped his hands automatically.He started eating his brains out thinking he really messed up, he was taking things down a road she didn't want to take yet, which was okay, it's not like he only wanted her body back, but he was scared he made her uncomfortable. Only then, his dick grew incredibly hard when she grabbed the hem of her oversized t-shirt to pull it up and off her body. Her perfectly perky boobs bounced slightly when Y/N dropped her shirt on the floor, resting her arms on her sides. He looked up from the lovely sight of her boobs thinking about how badly he wanted to devour them, only to find her with an uncertain look on her face. And he hated it. He hated the thought of her doubting herself so much. Harry ran his hands up and down her soft stomach, and then slid them up, softly but barely touching her boobs. His destination was somewhere else (for now), and he grabbed Y/N by her neck to pull her close. Their lips met again in the softest kiss they shared that night so far, and Y/N melted in Harry's arms like the forgotten ice cream behind her. He kissed the corner of her lips as he pulled her hair slightly so he could start kissing her jawline, down to her neck, leaving pepper kisses all over her skin. When he reached her collarbone he started sucking and biting (she loved when he bit her) knowing he couldn't do it to her neck

due to her job. She let a moan leave her lips, and when Harry slid one of his hands to grab her by her hip, she grinded down on him again, with more confidence this time. Harry lowered his face a bit more so he could finally reach one of his favorite features of his Y/N, her boobs. He took her left breast in his mouth, sucking on Y/N's nipple, making her whimper and jerk forward, tightening her hold on his brown locks to pull him even closer. He slid the hand that was holding Y/N's hair down so he could pay attention to both nipples at the same time, while using his hand on her hip to keep a steady peace to her grinding. Once she caught up with the slow but rough peace he wanted, he let go of Y/N's hip to grab the nipple he had in his mouth with in his hand, and he pinched both of them at the same time, rolling the hard buds on his fingers, then moving his mouth to the other one. He spent a lot of time paying attention to Y/N's nipples, nibbling, sucking, groping, knowing damn well they were extremely sensitive (she could orgasm just by nipple stimulation if done correctly, but she really wanted him right now). Y/N pulled from his hair enough to let him know she wanted something else, and when he let her nipple fall from his mouth, he looked straight into her eyes. Harry's cheeks were tinted a pretty shade of pink, and Y/N couldn't help but admire the beautiful man under her. He looked at her with such pure eyes, but lustful at the same time. She didn't understand how he could look so innocent but so fucking hot at the same time, it was unfair how angelic he was. She grabbed a handful of his shirt, to let him know she wanted it off. Once Harry complied, throwing his shirt somewhere near Y/N's, he immediately reached for her cream silk shorts, tugging the elastic band down as a silent plea for her to get out of them for him. She stood up from the couch, knowing Harry loved when she undressed herself for him, and still in between his legs holding eye contact, she slowly slid her shorts down her thighs along with her underwear. Harry couldn't keep eye contact for long, though. His eyes were glued to her glistening core that was slowly making an appearance, and he was getting frustrated at how slow she was being. He sat straighter on the couch so he could reach for her, and slid his hands down the front of her thighs, and on their way up he slowly slid them to their insides, getting close to where she wanted him. He slid one of his hands down again, but this time he grabbed her right leg from behind her knee, to pull it up. He made her rest her feet outside his thigh, which was now in between her legs. In this new position he got a clear view of her pretty pussy, all on display for him. "So wet, baby." He whispered, and she couldn't help but return her hold on his hair to pull him closer to her. "All for me?" Harry asked her, looking up to stare at her right in the eyes. When she nodded, he hummed in response. "Let me take care of you, it's been so long. You probably need it so much, don't you?" His voice was so fucking deep and raspy she nodded desperately in response. Y/N couldn't handle much teasing, and she let Harry know by tightening her grip yet again, and forcing his face to be so close she could feel his breathing on her. "Please, Harry." She pleaded. Harry loved teasing her, but he knew it's been a long time, he didn't want to frustrate her much. He finally licked very slowly up her folds, all the way from her opening to her clit, humming when he reached her sensitive bundle of nerves. Y/N let out a long sigh of pleasure, her eyelids fluttering shut. She felt like she could literally come just by that, and when he closed his lips around her clit, she grind her hips against his lips. He started switching between sucking and pressing his tongue on her clit until he started to move it, creating undefined figures with the tip of his tongue. They missed each other so much, so so much. And they both knew sex wouldn't magically fix everything. They knew they needed to work things out. But

sometimes conversation needs a little push, something to remind them why they need to fix things. The magnetic pull they felt towards each other was unbearably strong. They needed each other, in every imaginable way, but at that moment, they needed each other's bodies and emotion, no words needed. Just feel each other close. Harry gave her clit a sweet kiss, and looked up at her while his fingers traveled up and down her folds, until they found their home in her opening. He searched her eyes for approval, and when she whispered a soft 'please' he slowly sank his ring and middle finger, knuckle deep. She whimpered loud at the sudden pressure, and he groaned at the tightness of her hole. He rested his forehead on her navel for a second to let her adjust, and when he felt her grind on his fingers, he held her gaze while lining his mouth with her clit yet again. Harry started to work his fingers in and out of her, sucking on her clit. But what turned him on the most was her slow grinding on his face and fingers, like she was fucking his fingers nstead of his fingers fucking her. Harry used his free arm to slide it under her leg that was up on the couch, and grabbed her ass with a tight grip to pull her even closer. The pleasure was beginning to feel overwhelming, the pressure deep down on her belly begging for release was making her desperate. Y/N's moans and breathy sighs were becoming louder and consistent and the way he could feel her legs slightly shaking gave away how close she was to her release. Harry wanted her to make a mess on his face, so badly. He lowered his head and replaced his fingers with his tongue, not before he moved his fingers one last time to massage her spongy spot at the front of her insides. He fucked her with his tongue as he used his soaked fingers to stimulate her clit, circling in the fast and rough peace he knew she enjoyed so much. Her insides felt like a rocket about to launch, between his moans sending vibrations through her entire body and his fingers stimulating her clit the way she exactly needed, she became a moaning mess. Y/N couldn't comprehend how she was still standing up, even though Harry's arm under her thigh was holding most of her weight up, her knees were about to give up soon. "H-Harry, I'm so close," Y/N spoke as clearly as possible, knowing her panting was messing with her words, "please don't stop." He admired the way her jaw tightened and relaxed, her mouth opening shortly after, making a perfect 'o' with her eyes pressed shut. With one specific movement of Harry's tongue, she finally let go. With her eyes rolling back she let a couple of continuous 'fuck's quickly leave her mouth. Her entire body jolted forwards, bending a bit over him while his mouth was still attached to her core, helping her ride her orgasm, making it last for as long as possible. Y/N pulled Harry away from her with her grip on his hair once it became too much, and looked down at him. Without a second thought she bent down to lock her lips on his, with so much force it threw him back into his original seated position on the couch. "Take your pants off, now." She demanded, but adding an almost inaudible 'please', mostly for her. He happily obliged, taking his boxers down with them, imitating her previous actions. His cock sprung free, and he hissed at the feeling of freedom. Harry was so focused on her he didn't realize how painfully hard he was. He could feel his own heartbeat thundering in his chest with so much force it was almost alarming. He needed her so, so badly. Once his pants and boxers were thrown and forgotten on the floor, she straddled him. Giving him a quick but soft kiss on the lips, she began making her way down his neck, reaching back up again to (what she knew) was his most sensitive spot behind his ear. Y/N sucked a small bruise, and he whimpered. God, Y/N loved those small noises he made. She kissed her favorite beauty mark on the right side where his neck meets his shoulder, and that small action alone made his heart feel like someone was squeezing and

twisting it. He missed those small loving details from her. Y/N kept making her way down his chest, leaving wet, open mouthed kisses all over him, not forgetting to suck and nibble at his nipples. She loved taking care of him. All of him. And the way he enjoyed her playing with his nipples was something he was always scared of admitting, but he knew he didn't have to ask her to do it, because she just knew. She sunk down to her knees, still sucking and licking the skin all over his stomach while caressing his thighs (Oh, those thighs). Y/N finally grabbed his dick and slowly stroked him all the way from his base to the tip, collecting some of the precum leaking from his deep pink, swollen head. He groaned loudly, lifting his hips to fuck her fist once. She took that as a sign to lower her head even more, his cock now in front of her face. "Want my mouth, baby?" She tapped her plump lips with his tip, and when he looked down at her, she moved her closed lips around him, almost like she was using his precum as lipgloss, her hand still slowly moving up and down his length. She got him hypnotized. "Hmm?" She raised her eyebrows at him. "Y-yes, please." He heavily sighed. His begging made her drip down her thighs, he knew how much she loved it, and she knew he loved begging too, maybe even more than her. She always took such good care of him. She swirled her tongue around his tip once, then proceeded to lick up his shaft a couple of times like his dick was an ice lolly. Once she finally wrapped her lips around his tip, he sighed in relief, and relaxed his shoulders. Harry's hands grabbed her neck to pull her head down, and she surprised him when she suddenly deep throated him before even working her way there. "Fucking hell, Y/N." He moaned when he felt her humming around him. Harry grabbed her hair making a shift ponytail, to help her get her hair out of the way, and using his grip on it to lift her head, her mouth left his dick, and he smirked at the small pout on her lips. "You are so perfect." She ignored him and tried to lean forward again, which made him smile at how desperate she was. He let her get what she wanted, allowing her lips to wrap around his tip again. She licked up his slit and swirled her tongue around him, and hollowed her cheeks to suck on his tip. She took more of him in her mouth, using her right hand to work on his base and her left to gently cup his balls and play with them. Harry knew he wouldn't last long. It's been a while since they've done anything remotely sexual, and his hand... his hand wasn't her. So even though he could get himself off, nothing in the world would compare to how it felt when it was his Y/N pleasing him. His breathing became irregular as she bobbed her head up and down his length in a steady rhythm, and when she tugged on his balls he knew he had to pull her away right that second, or he would come. And he really wanted to, but not like this. "Baby, please," he tried to pull her head away with a tug on her ponytail, but she didn't oblige. Instead, she looked up at him through her eyelashes, still bobbing her head up and down on him, and that sight alone could make him come in a heartbeat. But he kept it together. "I wanna come inside you, p-please." And that made Y/N pull away, her mouth making a 'pop' sound when she let his dick fall from her lips. She then straddled him, her hands finding their home right behind his ears, grabbing him by his hair, while his made their way around her body, hugging her close. His dick fit perfectly between her lips, and Y/N grinded on him to feel his wet cock slide through her folds, creating the most delicious friction. Harry kissed her passionately, trying to pour everything he felt in the kiss. And Y/N did feel it, because she was trying to do the same. They repeated the action a couple of times until she reached in between them to grab a hold of him, positioning him on her opening. And when she finally sank down on him, they locked gazes. They sat still, connected. They were so close. They felt so close. Harry

nudged her nose with his, softly brushing their lips together. He then noticed a single tear run down her cheek, and reached for her face quickly. Right before it got in her mouth he caught it with his thumb, and she leaned in his touch. They didn't say a word. Just sat still. With Harry caressing her cheek, and Y/N looking straight into his eyes. Y/N leaned forward to capture his top lip between hers, leaving the sweetest kiss, repeating the action with his bottom lip. After, she went for the right corner of his mouth, his cheek, his jawline, his pulse point, behind his ear. And repeated the exact same trail on the left side of his face, finishing with his top and bottom lips, one last time before starting to slowly grind and circle her hips on him. Harry just couldn't stop staring at her. The amount of love and adoration he held in his heart for that woman was beyond words, and actions. And he then understood. He understood that he could live a life without marriage if it meant living it with her. He could handle it. He would get over it. He involuntarily dropped his head back and shut his eyes with so much force, while hissing through gritted teeth when she finally lifted her weight on her knees, sliding up on his dick until he was almost entirely out, only to sink back down roughly, going so deep it made both of them moan loudly at how tight she was. She slid one of her hands around his neck to grab him by his chin, forcing him to look at her. Y/N kissed him again, and this time their kiss was messy and desperate, between crashing teeth and loud moans due to her fucking him with all she got. She let go of Harry's mouth to sit straighter, using his shoulders as support to move faster. This position gave Harry a view he wouldn't trade for anything in the world. He could see his cock, so drenched of her arousal, and her pussy taking him so well. The wet sounds leaving their connected centers were magical, so erotic, accompanied with the small whimpers and moans coming out of her perfect lips. Harry thought she looked like a fucking goddess, with her round and perky tits bouncing up and down every time her tight pussy took him entirely. "You're being so good, baby. Letting me fuck you just how I like it." She whispered to him, staring at his heart shaped, swollen lips. The lips she was so addicted to. "You take such good care of me, angel. Always." He replied, looking into her eyes which were still glued to his lips. She licked her own, and moved forward to crash them against his on another messy kiss. They both were so close. Harry couldn't understand how he managed to hold his release for so long, but he was proud of himself. Y/N separated their lips for a moment to make him suck her point and middle finger, which he complied immediately, knowing exactly what she was doing. He then watched her lower her hand between their bodies again, but this time to reach for her clit, where she started to gently rub circles, stimulating herself. Harry started thrusting up with force, to meet her halfway, tightening his grip around her middle. Y/N bit down his shoulder to stifle a loud moan, which only made Harry thrust faster. "Please come for me, Y/N, I wanna feel you come all- all around my cock." He managed to plead between breathy whimpers. And it only took a few more thrusts from him to make her insides explode in the most blissful sensation, like electricity running all the way from her belly to her toes. She stiffens in his hold, her inside walls tightening and clenching so hard it almost sends him out of her, making his balls tighten right before he lets go. She could feel him emptying inside her, his spurts of cum filling her up, leaving both of them exhausted, satisfied and utterly fucked. None of them moved for a while. Y/N's breathing calmed him, almost like a lullaby, and the way Harry was gently stroking her back made goosebumps erupt all over her body. Without any warning, Harry stood up, making Y/N wrap her legs around him, she hissed through the feeling of his dick moving while still

inside her, and she bit down his shoulder again. She didn't question what he was doing, she didn't care. Harry sat her down on a cold surface after turning the lights on, and when she opened her eyes she realized he sat her in their bathroom counter. He put some space between them so he could finally look at her again. The fact that they barely spoke during sex today (when they were usually pretty vocal) made everything so... different. Not in a bad way, though. It made them both enjoy sex as the pure performance of just loving someone. No need of crazy positions, weird kinks or edging each other the way they're used to. Just love. The need to feel connected. The need of physically demonstrating each other's love. How they are each other's entire world. "I'm gonna clean us up, okay?" Harry told her softly, and she only nodded in response. She leaned in to give him a soft kiss, which honestly caught Harry off guard now that the sexual act was over. But made him happy nonetheless. She was scared of him shutting her out again. But he was scared of her getting tired of him. He knew she was a free soul. She wanted so many things, and settling down to start a family like he wanted to wasn't in her near plans, maybe in her plans at all. And he knew that. He understood it, and he respected it. He just thought about how badly he truly wanted that life with her. He was just scared she would let him go. They both looked down and hissed the moment he slid out of her. Harry had the perfect view of their mixed cum dripping down her core, making a mess on the marble counter under her. And Y/N saw his dick twitch at the sight, but decided against commenting on it. Even though it made her slightly smirk. Harry took his time cleaning both of them, and Y/N didn't look away from him. Not even for a second. He lifted her up again and literally sat her down on the toilet so she could pee. They've done this a thousand times, it was normal for them, she wasn't modest about him seeing or listening to her pee. After they brushed their teeth next to each other, stealing curious looks (especially Harry at Y/N's boobs through the mirror), they went to bed together. And for the first time in two months, she rested her head on his chest, with his arms wrapped around her. The only thing she didn't notice was that once Harry knew she was asleep, he couldn't keep it in. He cried himself to sleep that night. But it wasn't any different from what he was used to from the past couple of months. The only difference was that this time, he knew he'd give up his dreams if it meant he could keep her around. & The next morning, Y/N felt something, or someone, shift behind her. She knew it was Harry. His arm was thrown over her waist, resting dangerously close to her boobs (she secretly loved the way Harry seemed obsessed with her boobs) and she could feel his breathing hit the back of her neck. She hugged his arm closer to her body to let him know she was awake, which made Harry shift even closer, cup her left breast and press his pretty pink and warm lips to her neck. "Good morning." She said with a breathy laugh, her morning voice was a sound that drove Harry mad. She sounded way too sexy for her (or his) own good. "Hi." He nuzzled her neck with his nose, "how'd you sleep?" He left another lingering kiss, this time below her ear. "Amazing. Haven't slept this good in a while." She replied honestly, wiggling her body back towards him so their torsos were pressing together. "Mhm, me too." He whispered, tightening his hold around her, his morning wood pressing on her lower back. She could already feel the pool of her arousal in between her legs, and when she arched her back so now his dick was pressing against the curve of her ass, he groaned in her ear. He slowly started to grind himself against her ass, moving down on the bed a bit so he could better his position. And when she grinded back against him, he reached in between them to position himself on her opening. He pushed the tip in, just enough to feel her tight hole around

him. "Can I?" He asked her to make sure they both wanted this. When she sighed deeply in pleasure and murmured a 'yes', he slowly thrusted into her, both moaning a bunch of profanities. They both were huge lovers of morning sex. It increased their moods during their days, helped them relax and carry their days with a carefree feeling. So, he fucked her. Hard. Not even close to how loving they were last night. He woke up with an unbeatable energy, and he wanted to take advantage of it. He fucked her in the position they woke up in. He turned her to her stomach and fucked her while (almost) laying completely on top of her (she loved feeling his weight on her) and he fucked her on all fours, only to end up in their initial position, with her back against his chest on their sides, so he could play with her clit to help her come. That morning they spent it in bed, Y/N made them breakfast, Harry read a book. They both knew they needed to talk, but they wanted to enjoy some time where everything felt normal between them again. So they avoided the topic. But the conversation they owed each other kept being pushed. And for another two months, everything slowly started to feel normal again. Usually, avoiding conversation will lead up to more hurting. But with Y/N and Harry, it ended up becoming a realization point. Harry got in terms with the fact they wanted different things. He decided she was worth anything and everything in the world, because she was his world. But what he didn't know was that Y/N spent those entire two months imagining what a life like the one Harry wanted with her would be like. And after one day, on Harry's 28th birthday, during a small walk they were taking on Central Park, she realized she would do anything in the world to make him the happiest man he could ever be. She kissed him so passionately that day, interrupting their walk. He looked at her with a confused look when she pulled away with the brightest smile on her face. But that smile made him confirm he was willing to give up his dream of getting married. That's why in mid February, Y/N found herself shopping in a very expensive jewelry store. She knew Harry liked that place since his 'H' and 'S' rings were from there. They had an amazing section of handmade rings that she spent a long time going through. She wanted to pick the best one she could find. She found the prettiest, most fine silver ring with a red stone adorning it's top. She knew he would love it. It definitely didn't look like the typical engagement ring, but nothing about Harry was typical. It would match the rest of his rings lovingly, and Y/N knew he would simply love it. Not only because it was a pretty ring, but because it would mean something big for them. Three days later, Y/N came back from work to find Harry sitting on their living room couch watching the forecast. Why? Who the fuck knows. He never watched cable TV. Y/N just stood there for a while, just staring at him. "Hi, love." He greeted her. "Are you alright?" He asked with his eyebrows furrowed. The crease between them made an appearance, even though it was there most of the time. "Hey." She finally moved, dropped her keys on the little bowl sitting on top of the small table in the hallway. "All good, gonna put some comfy clothes on really quick." She lied. She just couldn't wait any longer. Watching him sit there all frustratingly beautiful doing absolutely nothing was fucking annoying, it was so unfair how beautiful he was. She had an entire evening prepared but she just couldn't wait any longer. She wanted to do it now. She dropped her purse on their bed and quickly got rid of her shoes, but didn't change into anything comfier. She just grabbed the small black velvet box from her t-shirt drawer and went back to the living room, sliding it in the back pocket of her jeans so he wouldn't be able to see it. Harry looked at her with a confused look, wondering why she was still in her work clothes walking directly to him when she said she wanted to change. She sunk to her knees in

between his legs, which only made him even more confused. "You sure you're alright?" Harry gently asked her. She just hummed in response and grabbed the remote sitting on the coffee table (moving as little as possible, she didn't want him seeing the small bump on her jeans because she knew he would ask about it), and turned back around. She rested her ass on her ankles, and her arms on top of his thighs. "So..." she started. "So..." Harry repeated, confused. "I love you, so very much." Y/N started and Harry's breath got caught in his throat. He wasn't expecting this at all. "So much, you don't even understand." Her voice was barely louder than a whisper. They haven't told they loved each other in so long, scared of the other not saying it back. God only knows why, because it was clear as water they still loved each other with their whole beings. "And I know we both always wanted different things." This is it. Harry thought. She's breaking up with me. "And I know there are some things I believe that you will never understand, and there are some things I- I didn't understand, for a long time." Harry furrowed her eyebrows further at this last part. Now he truly didn't understand what she was trying to say. "For so long I thought I wanted something, you know? Like I was sure I had it all figured out for myself, the life I wanted. But I actually- I was searching for a life that wasn't mine. And I didn't realize that what I already have is everything I could possibly want." Y/N's cheeks were flushed, tears streaming down her face so fast they were drenching his hands that were now pressed against her cheeks, softly caressing them. "I know now, that love is about finding common ground. Meeting each other's needs. And sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone to do that. And I came to a conclusion." She swallowed the big lump on her throat, and that finally allowed her to let a long breath leave her chest. "I love you more than anything in this world. I hope you know that, and I know I struggle sometimes with letting you know how much I adore and admire all of you. But I promise to do my best today, and for the rest of my life, to make sure you know how loved you are. How much I'm willing to do for you. And this took me a while to understand, but I do now. I understand why you felt like you needed to take that 'next step' with us. And I understand why it'd make you as happy as you always said. So, it'd make me really happy to ask you to," Y/N reached her pocket and heard him gasp when she pulled the box in front of him, revealing a beautiful ring for him, "marry me." Harry was speechless. Truly, ultimately speechless. Not only was the love of his life asking him to marry her, she was saying she truly wanted this. Harry's gaze kept going from the ring back to her eyes. And after a while of no one saying anything, Y/N cleared her throat. "H," she whispered, "Will you marry me?" She asked, the soft tone on her voice and the question he dreamed so many times asking her knocked him back to life. "Yes, yes, Y/N, yes- oh Y/N-" he choked a sob, and the biggest smiles appeared on both their faces. Y/N threw herself to him, wrapping her arms around his neck so tightly. He helped her straddle him so he could wrap his own arms around her. They held each other for a few seconds, both crying the happiest tears they ever let drop, and when she pulled away to put the ring on him, he surprised her by crashing their lips together. They shared their most passionate kiss in the entirety of their relationship, both still crying, smiling, spilling so much love and adoration with each stroke of their tongues. When he pulled away, she finally placed the box in between them again. "Can I put it on you? I know you like to wear your 'H' ring on your ring finger, so we could put it somewhere else, you know? And make it our own thing-" Harry interrupted her giving her a soft peck, "or we could-" another kiss, "I don't know." She finally gave in, pressing her lips harder against him. After another long kiss, he finally told her

where he wanted his ring, and with a last kiss he patted her ass to let her know he needed her to stand up. "Wait here." He pointed at her, and she sat on the couch with a soft 'okay'. He returned moments later with his hand behind his back and a lopsided smirk. He sat in the same position she was for her proposal, in between her legs. Before he said anything, he moved his hands in between them, opening a red velvet box. She gasped like Harry did moments ago when she saw the beautiful ring with a small red stone (yes! Like his own ring) placed on top of a very thin and delicate silver band that was sitting inside the small box. "It was my grandmother's." Harry said in a quiet tone. "She gave it to me before she passed away a couple months after we met, remember?" She slowly nodded, lifting her gaze to meet his eyes. There was so much love written all over his face. "I told her you were it for me. I knew I wanted this with you ever since we met at our university library. She gave it to me in hopes I could... give it to you some time." He gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing. "I kept it hidden from you all this time. Didn't want you to find it and make everything weird between us. But I'd really love if you could, um... wear it if you want?" He shyly asked. "It'd be an honor to carry her ring with me, Harry." His face lit up so fast at her response. "Yeah?" He asked, perplexed. "Yeah." Y/N replied with a big smile. "Will you marry me, Y/N?" He asked her this time, and she couldn't help but giggle. "I asked you first." She pecked his lips. "But yes, Harry. I'll marry you." And she kissed him again, and he couldn't help but smile so widely she ended up with her lips against his teeth. After putting his grandmother's ring on her, they shared another night of pure, loving sex. None remember how many times they made each other come, but they did have another important conversation between rounds. "Something else I wanted to tell you..." She said, in between kisses (they loved giving each other soft small pecks all over each other while they were talking). She was straddling him in their bed, his back against the headboard. He didn't want to pull out of her just yet, keeping his cum inside her for as long as possible. "I know you're ready to have kids, like, right now." She said, and he raised his eyebrows playfully at her. "I can tell by your breeding kink, honestly." He let a loud laugh leave his chest, making her smile too. It was honestly hilarious, I mean, look at their position. "I decided I really want to have kids with you." He gasped, "But..." he sunk down in his position, a visible pout on his lips, which she kissed away from him. "Promise me you'll wait for me, until I'm in my 30's" He locked eyes with her. She really wanted this. So much. "Only three more years?!" He asked with so much hope. "Three more years and we can start trying, I promise. I just thought that- that we could get married now, have some time as a married couple, you know? To enjoy ourselves." She shrugged and he couldn't help but smile widely and her, nodding frantically. "That way we are both adapting to each other, you know? Meet halfway our wants." "God, I love you so much." He chose to say, instead of replying straight away. "I'll wait a lifetime to have kids with you if that's what you wanted, just please- decide before you reach menopau-" He couldn't even finish his sentence since she shut him up by putting her hand over his mouth. "Don't even say it. God, I don't wanna be old." She sighed in frustration. "I honestly can't wait to grow old with you." Harry said with such a loving tone, like an enamored teenager, hugging her closer to him. And she couldn't help but smile back at him. Because even though ageing scares her, she's ready to spend the rest of her life with him. "I love you, my angel." Y/N told Harry, before kissing his lips, yet again.

"I love you, my Y/N." Harry whispered to her, keeping her face close to his.

Thank you so much for reading! Have a lovely day <3

-Joey

#harry styles #harry styles smut #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry smut #my writing

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momentofmemory · 5 years

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it’s almost the end of october, which means one of the greatest, most terrifying exploits known to writers is upon us: NaNoWriMo.

there are plenty of super good survival posts out there, but as this’ll be my seventh time participating (six wins, hoping for a seventh), i thought i’d drop my own set of tips into the mix. i’m going to focus mostly on the practical details of how to write; if you want tips on the writing itself either search the writing/reference tags or pester me to do another one later :P with that said, ~on with the post~

Step One: Figure Out Your Goal

i know, i know, obviously it’s to write 50k, but what does that mean to you? are you expecting

polished prose, ready to send off to a publisher?

being able to write every day?

just throwing up a bunch of ideas?

a mix of everything?

all of these are valid, but they’re going to require different approaches. if you want jaw-dropping writing, you’re going to need in the ballpark of five or more hours each day, if not more. if you want consistency, you’ll want to look at your normal schedule and set up a couple times you know you can write at. if just you want words, pretty much all you need to make sure is that you squeeze writing time in whenever.

your goal will probably change as the month progresses, and that’s totally fine. just check in every so often to remember a)what you’re working for and b)if it’s actually plausible. speaking of...

Step Two: Realize Your Limitations

1. Typing.

imma get super practical here: your typing speed dictates how fast you can get done. if you write 40wpm (the average), you cannot write the full 1667 in a half hour any more than you can run a mile in under three minutes. it’s honestly not a bad idea to check out your own speed, if only to help you understand yourself better. in my experience, actual writing then works like this (using my max speed, 89, as an example):

Absolute Max: 89 wpm (baseline)

Warring: 70 (75% of baseline)

In the zone: 45 (50% of baseline)

Taking my time, concentrated: 22 (25% of baseline)

anything lower than your max/4 probably means you’re spending a lot of time either researching or staring at the page, so just be aware of that.

2. Time & Focus

this kinda goes without saying, but best case scenario this is at least 1-2 hours of your life a day, or dedicating full Saturday/Sundays if you’re a weekend warrior kind of person. it’s so, so worth it if you can make time for it, but also don’t feel bad if you can’t! doing a half nano (25k) or whatever you want is also a fully acceptable plan.

that said, if you do have time, figure out your focus too. if you’ve never been the kind of person that can type for six hours straight, you will probably not magically become this person when it hits Nov. 1 (though with practice, you might be by Nov. 30). i like trying to write at least 300 before work and another 300 during lunch. that way there’s only 1k left for the evening, and having words on the page just makes me feel better. experiment with different ways of blocking out your time in the first few days and see what works best for you.

3. Don’t Forget You Live in a Body

writing is hard work, you will need to eat brain food! hunching over wrecks your back, stand up and stretch every so often! you will hate existing if you forgo sleep for days! and for the love of charles dickens, patron saint of getting paid by the word, take care of your mother-effing wrists!!

seriously on that last one. i’ve ignored it in the past and thoroughly screwed up my wrists one year; don’t be me. keep in them in a neutral position, do regular stretches, and if you need to, get wrist wraps (i recommend these).

Step Three: Actually Doing the Thing

the previous steps have had pretty broad advice, but now it’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty. these are mostly things i know work for me, and therefore may not for you—adjust to your own needs!

1. Write for 15 Minutes Every Day, Non-Negotiable.

i don’t even mean this is a “write 15 min and then your brain will be tricked into writing more” kinda way, but like, literally. you’re probably not going to be able to do 1667 every day—sometimes you’ll be tired and just won’t have the time. you’re very likely, however, to have 15 minutes, and you’ll want to use them. Doesn’t matter if you write 50 words or 500 in that time, at least you’ll have done something, and that’s usually enough to keep you from feeling like just giving up the next day.

2. You Might Need Physical Spaces

i’m a pretty sensory person when it comes to writing, and having a dedicated writing space is so helpful for me. going back to the idea of being an embodied person, it’s a lot easier to get your brain into a writing mode if your body’s already there. some good options include:

coffee shops (cozy! food!)

a specific room in your home (easily accessed! do what you want!)

libraries (free! quiet!)

a friend’s house (writing buddy! easy access to sounding board!)

all of these places usually have access to wifi, which is a positive.

3. You Definitely Need Digital Spaces

i pretty much always write in the same processor, once again because it helps set the mood. the main options include:

google drive (solid choice, cloud backup, mobile accessible)

dabble writer (cloud backup, links to nano, dark mode, chapter options)

write or die (only for actual writing—a scary but effective motivator; save elsewhere)

word/pages/etc. (ready to go on your computer, formatting options)

scrivener (great plotting tools, detailed interface)

i use dabble writer myself (they’re a nano sponsor, so you can get it free for this month, and as a double bonus you get it half off for the rest of the year if you win). and no, i’m not getting paid to wax poetic about them, but honestly i’ve used it to win the past two years and i adore it.

anyway my biggest tip here is that i SUPER SUPER DON’T RECOMMEND NON-CLOUD OPTIONS. it’s very risky, but if you must, do a proper back up at least once a week. that shiz is not worth it.

4. The Timer is Your New Best Friend

because i’ve heard this argument before: no, it’s not a crutch, and no, it’s not cheating. it’s literally best practices. i’m personally a big fan of this online timer, and i let it run for 15 min every time i write. after each session i check how many words i wrote, then after maybe a quick 1-2 min break, start over.

you can totally set the timer for longer or shorter periods, depending on what works for you. i’m a fan of the 15 min sessions bc it’s just long enough to get a bit of flow going, and just short enough that i can convince my spacy brain that we can get through it without wandering. it’s also a fantastic length for warring, if you’re down for that.

5. Write That Idea Down for Lewis’s Sake

the original idea for the chronicles of narnia came to c.s. lewis when he was at a restaurant, and thank the lord, he wrote it down on a napkin. he wouldn’t write it until some time later, but if he hadn’t written it down, he might’ve forgotten it. why is this important, you ask?

BC YOU WILL FORGET THINGS.

if you have an idea, write it down in your phone or your notebook or the waterproof paper in your shower, because i don’t care how sure you are that you’ll remember it, you super won’t. i’ve forgotten many solutions to plot holes in my time and i still hold vigils over their graves. don’t be me. write it down.

Step Four: Managing that Inner Critic of Yours

all right, pay attention. i’m not going to tell you not to edit, because i would be a massive hypocrite if i did. i totally edit during nano. the important part is letting your editor help you win, not hurt you. and that means gaming your critic’s system.

1. Have a Dedicated Deletion Section

many people hear “don’t delete anything” and baulk, because for some of us it’s distracting and we want to rewrite that section until it matches our vision. so, i’m here to tell you: delete it!! rewrite entire chapters!! just save the original content as part of your word count. this is another reason i love dabble, bc at the start of nano i just make a separate part of the book, label it “delete”, and any time i’m writing and dislike a sentence/paragraph i just dump it into that folder and move on. this way you still get to keep the numbers (and why shouldn’t you? you wrote them!) while also writing words you actually like. plus, sometimes that line you deleted in ch. 1 winds up being supremely pertinent in ch.15, and now you can just copy/paste it instead of having to try to remember what exactly you’d said.

2. Acknowledge Ranting as a Time Honoured Tradition

think there’s no precedent for that 2K diatribe you wrote on the london underground? well fear not, because you can’t possibly do worse than hugo’s entire chapters worth of content on the french sewer system! or melville’s frankly terrifying obsession with the finer features of whale biology!

like, yeah, maybe you’ll decide later you don’t need it, but for now, embrace that soap box. dead white guys have been doing it for centuries and still get places in college syllabi. the least you can do is give it a place in your word count.

Step Five: Have Fun!

i know, i know, it’s cliche, but seriously. if this isn’t fun, or at least rewarding, why are you doing it anyway? so enjoy it! send passages you’re proud of to your friends! daydream about it in the car on the way to work/school! cry over a notebook about the twist you just came up with! nano’s a time of fun and exploration, and you shouldn’t miss out on it because you’re thinking too much.

also, this might be counter productive to put at the end of an essay on nano, but don’t obsess over reading essays on nano :P there comes a time when one must simply do, and nano is pretty much the definition of that.

#nanowrimo #writing tips #writing #reference #writing advice

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missriyochuchi · 5 years

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Rehab so far has been a mixed bag. Half the nurses and aides leave much to be desired, but all the doctors and therapists have been awesome. The nearly nonexistent cell reception is making me paranoid that I’m missing important calls, but it has been a nice reprieve lol And I hate that the cafe closes at 6pm, but it’s suuuuper inexpensive, so it evens out. All in all, 7/10, would recommend on a limited basis lmao

Sunday the 16th: I went home to grab more stuff for Mom - clothes and toiletries and a laundry basket. The Kessler Institute is in NJ, but we live on Long Island. I took an Uber to the Orange station, NJ Transit to Penn Station, LIRR to Babylon, and then an Uber home... for a grand total of 3 hours 😵 At least the NJ Transit train was a double decker, which I hadn’t ridden since I was a kid, so that was fun. And weekend crowds are always the best, more families and people who don’t do public transit frequently so they’re mostly wide-eyed lol There was a family sitting behind me, and most people would probably have found the kid annoying af because he talked nonstop, but after spending the weekend in an antiseptic building with a lot of older patients and indifferent staff, the kid was a breath of fresh air. It was nice to be among people for a bit - part of the reason why I enjoy traveling and commuting. Anyway, I got home with just enough time to pack, finish one piece of paperwork, shower, and straighten my hair. Because I was traveling with a large suitcase and I'm too small to put it in the overhead, my dad's old boss agreed to drive me back to NJ - a testament to her kindness and fondness for my dad. Even though we hit traffic, we still got there quicker than our ambulette transport lol She even got home in an even shorter period of time!

Monday the 17th: We hit the ground running. Mom had occupational, physical, and speech therapy from 10:30 to 2:30, with an hour break for lunch. She was off the vent for two hours total, one in the afternoon and one at night. I wrote a ton of emails inside and made even more phone calls outside. Both Mom and I were exhausted by day's end.

Tuesday the 18th: Mom had an early start, with a video swallow thing at 9am and followed immediately by her therapy sessions at the same times as the day before. Her OT therapist let me join her morning session in the gym to observe and help out a bit. Mom finally got her first proper shower since the accident. She got into bed early. Oh, and she was off the vent the whole freakin’ day! She was allowed to be off for three-hour intervals, but surprised everyone when she did all her therapy sessions and went the whole afternoon without any distress. Everyone kept calling her a rockstar lol

Wednesday the 19th: I went home for a long day of errands. The commute home was pleasant and lasted from about 8:20 to 10:45am, half an hour shorter because I caught an express on the LIRR as soon as I got off NJ Transit. I emptied the mailbox, took a shower, made lunch, and fixed my hair as soon as I got home. Around 2:30, one of Mom’s coworkers, a younger 20-something girl, picked up me to go to:

the post office where I re-mailed the title to Mom’s car because I got the address wrong and it was sent back;

the grocery store where I bought Mom’s shampoo and conditioner;

DSW where I returned one pair of shoes and picked up another;

Old Navy where I bought Mom 5 men’s large sweatpants, 3 men’s large polos, 1 men’s large sweater, and 1 women’s XL sweater because everything I brought from home was too small and tight to accommodate everything she wears underneath lol;

and finally the bank where I spent an hour submitting my power of attorney papers for Mom’s account and starting to close Dad’s.

I’d hoped to catch a 6:03 train to Penn, but took so long at the bank that I ended up catching one 30 minutes later, which ofc meant I caught the NJ train that was delayed 🙃 Even worse, I got stuck sitting across from these two college girls who wouldn’t stop talking about their obviously upper class lifestyle: all the places they’ve been to, things they’ve done, people they know. I literally wanted to hurl on them. At least the Uber to the rehab facility was nice because it had been foggy all day, even on Long Island, but it was especially thick at night up in the mountains, so it was super pretty lol I got back to Mom’s room around 9pm. She approved of my clothing choices for her, thank god lmao

#postapril24 #i started writing this on Tuesday and gdi i was gonna finish it lol

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jo-the-schmo · 6 years

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So this was what my retreat was like

My school does this thing for the incoming seniors. You have to go through with it in order to graduate, they’re serious about it. The incoming seniors are separated into 3 groups. One goes at the end of Junior year, one goes during the summer, one goes at the beginning of senior year. I went on the summer one (obviously).

Anyways, before you go on the retreat, they give you a paper with some rules on it. Some basics are that you can’t bring snacks, wear leggings, etc. You are also not allowed to bring any electronics, no watches either.

So my group meets at school, there’s 35 of us, and we take a bus up to the grounds (which ironically was 15 minutes from where I live with my dad). This place is on essentially a golf course with some extra foliage. There are religious statues and crosses everywhere. (I probably should’ve established that I go to a Catholic school) There’s a chapel in the main building too.

We were then all given name tags with our names and a number on them. The number represented the “small group” you were in. My group was Group 4, including me and my small group leader, there were 3 girls and 4 boys (this is important for later). You sit with your small group and are given a paper folder and a medium sized notebook with a blue pen. You get sent to put all your stuff away in your rooms, it’s a single room so no one shares.

During the first day, we experienced the first 5 of 16 “witness talks”. A witness talk is a real life story with a sort of moral behind it told by either one of the student group leaders or the teachers in attendance. A student group leader is either someone who attended the first retreat for my senior class or one from the last retreat from the graduate class btw. Every talk has a theme to the moral, some are religious and some are social. This will be the case for the other 16 too. We also go through the first small group session. In these sessions, your small group, with the leader, go into a room with only each other and light a candle while sitting on the floor. Our room was almost all windows so I at least had some nice views. In these sessions, your group members individually answers some questions that were given after certain witness talks. These questions are extremely varied with depth and meaning. This is also presented to be a time where you talk about your life and your relationship with god. At the end of it, you’re all supposed to hug. This is where my first problem was presented. I don’t like hugs, and I’ll explain that later. So immediately, people are already uncomfortable with me (except for my one guy friend who knew what was going on) because I was rejecting everyone’s hugs. Blah blah blah, we ate and went to bed.

Now here’s where things got kinda tricky for me. The second day rolls around, and I’m really feeling my depression. I have insomnia and get really bad dark thoughts at night so that notebook they gave me is full of weird. (I also do that throughout the day). The leaders and teachers wake you up by playing loud music and screaming up and down the halls. I get ready, I go out, we eat breakfast and all that. So this is another real not good for me, Reactions. After a certain amount of talks, your group leader says that everyone from every group has to go up to a podium and tell everyone there what you took from it and how it relates to your life, they call these Reactions. This gave me a panic attack and made my student leader have to calm me down from the floor of the girl’s bathroom. I’m given special permission to not have to do any of the Reactions if I don’t want to. So we go about our day similar to the last one with a small break to explore the grounds and such. I decided in the next small group session to open up just a little. I admitted that I don’t personally have a relationship with god like most of the people there, that I have hereditary depression and anxiety, and that I have DID. I didn’t get into the specifics, it was mostly just get it out of the way so it wouldn’t be an issue. But then came the letters. At the end of the day, you sit in the chapel in the dark with everyone while two of the teachers read off letters from your parents. My dad doesn’t know how to be serious so I appreciated how funny he made his. They tell you to go back to your rooms after it’s all over and when you get there, lying on your bed are more letter from other people. This was one of the only parts I liked, I thought it was cute even though it made me cry a little. Anyways, so I cry myself to sleep and all that.

Day 3, oh boy, it’s the worst day. First off, at this point, I was feeling like shit. We get up to go to breakfast and I’m complaining to my friends that I feel like I’m gonna be sick. On my tray I only have a hashbrown, half a slice of bacon, and a small cup of coffee. I try eating and it literally took me two minutes to swallow a corner off the hashbrown. A different student leader notices that I look in pain and asks me what’s wrong. I tell her that I don’t feel well and at this point it’s not just because I feel sick. So far, everyone has pegged that I don’t wanna be here, that this whole thing makes me upset. She tells one of the teachers that I’m not well and I’m sent to my room to lay back down for a while. I end up missing all of breakfast, a few of the witness talks, and lunch before they have me get back up and try and participate. Then I notice that I’m shivering a lot, I ask my friend to see if I feel warm and I do. I tell a teacher and see checks my temperature, I come out at 100.6 degrees F which although is a low grade fever, it’s still not good. They give me some Tylenol to reduce my fever and another small rest time. (My student leader was also checking on me throughout the day) I eat dinner by myself before going back to join my group. Okay now let’s just skip to the worst part of this whole thing, Open Prayer. Your group and leader go back to your session room, turn off the lights (it’s dark outside at this point) and are instructed to take turns having a conversation with god while everyone listens. No responds or makes comments about what you say, you just say it by picking up this cross thing when you’re ready. Here’s my issue, I hate talking about my feelings to people I don’t trust or in general, but I feel an overwhelming sense of obligation. Side story, I have this problem a lot, and a similar thing happened in my junior retreat (which was just a shorter version of this one). On Junior Retreat, I felt obligated to open up and that if I didn’t, I wasn’t trying hard enough. So, when I tried to open up, I got freaked out and ran out of the room in a panic. I was missing for 15 minutes and no one knew where I was. What they didn’t realize was that I was just in the bathroom down the hall, banging my head against the tiled wall and begging for their mute god to kill me while I hyperventilated. They didn’t find me until I got myself up and looked for them. Now you see why this isn’t really good for me, yeah? Okay, back to Senior Retreat. I feel that same bout of obligation after most of my group shared their most personal life stories while having a one sided conversation. So, I picked up the stupid cross thing and rambled about how I didn’t understand how anyone could do something like this, how I don’t know how to just say it, my frustration with that, that I don’t want people to understand me because it means that they feel what I feel, that this bad thing has happened so many times so it shouldn’t hurt me anymore but it does, my fear of admitting what happened because I don’t know how men will react to it, and finally the one thing that I never want people in my real life to know about. Now some of you already know, but I was sexually assaulted my freshman year. I don’t talk about it, I get uncomfortable when people who aren’t my therapist bring it up, and that’s why I hate hugs, I admitted that to them. Hugs make me feel trapped, it’s not their arms wrapped around me anymore, it’s his, it’s not their innocent intentions anymore, it’s his. I didn’t feel better to finally have other people hear it, no weight was lifted from my shoulders, I felt sick. I feel wrong, I feel compromised, and worried. Most of the guys in my group seemed more hesitant to talk to me after that. After some reflection time in the chapel, we were sent to bed. I wanted nothing more than to die in my sleep because this all felt like too much.

But then the next day came, the last day of the retreat. There isn’t much to say about it. We wrapped up, went back to the school, had a ceremony where we get these metal necklaces with crosses on them, and watched a moments reel the teachers made. I was hardly in any of the pictures because I cry when I’m not ready to have my picture taken, especially when I’m not wearing makeup. Everyone was supposed to go up to a podium and say what they learned from the experience, was allowed to not go up, my dad was actually glad I didn’t because he knows me at this point. The teachers were completely disappointed. Out of all the students, I was the most against this whole thing and they’ve never seen someone leave the experience hating it. They were waiting for me to have my moment where I suddenly got it, where I felt better. They asked me if I got anything, I said I wasn’t sure because I didn’t want me Dad to yell at me for saying nothing, they asked how I felt, I was allowed to be honest and say not good, and then I went home. I took off the stupid necklace and haven’t touched it since.

I left out some of the weird shit we did like lick some salt from our hand while holding a candle, the moments where all 35 of the students hugged each other while I sat awkwardly and hoped no one would ask, the arms around the backs during a bonding session that I had to decline, the letters my group wrote to me where the basically didn’t know what to tell me and things like that. I might post some of the pictures from my notebook so y’all can see how genuinely fucked I was during the whole thing. I actually lost my mind a little bit and still can’t keep track of time because you never knew what fucking time it was in there and I never wanna hear someone unironically say “God Units” ever again.

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wellpersonsblog · 4 years

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I Tried to Ride a 100 Mile Bike Race and Almost Died (Here’s What I Learned)

Note from the author: This Thanksgiving, we’re all living through extraordinary times and many of us are dealing with unbelievable hardship and loss due to COVID-19. I want to share a story that I hope will inspire you to reflect and give thanks for the little things in our life, no matter how difficult circumstances may be today.

Like many members of the NMA community, I started as a runner. Then I moved into yoga, strength training, and exploring the mountains I call home in Boulder, Colorado.

But until recently, I hadn’t ridden a bike since high school.

Nonetheless, my uncle told me about a century ride for which he was organizing a team to raise money for Type 1 Diabetes research. So without much thought, I committed.

Then I learned what a century ride even was: 100 miles… on a bike I didn’t even have… with six weeks to train.

Without any other options, I did what felt the most logical at the time: dive straight into the deep end.

I bought a road bike (apparently, that’s a thing), and spent as many “hours in the saddle” as I could, learning from whatever experience the ride threw at me:

I bonked, and had to learn about nutrition to fuel endurance training.

I got tire flats (3 in just 10 rides, and learned to change a tire by watching youtube on the side of the road.)

I got stung by a bee (I’m allergic), and forced myself to stay calm while I rode 20 miles back to town.

And, I fell in love with a new sport.

While training, I had clear visions of writing a blog post recapping exactly what I did and how you could too. I was psyched, passionate, and riding high.

When race day came, I started confidently, knowing that I had reached 84 miles on my longest training ride. I knew I’d finish the full 100, so I started focusing on the time and aiming to beat my best pace… I passed the 50 mile mark in less than 2.5 hours. I was on track to accomplish a sub 5 hour finish. (Nothing special for seasoned riders, but a personal goal.)

At mile 64, my race ended when I crashed, breaking my nose and eye socket bones, and impaling a plastic part of my sunglasses into my cheek.

Oh, and I exposed the bone in my nose. When I heard the EMT call for a helicopter, because the ambulance would take too long considering my condition, I was left wondering if I was going to make it home to my 1-year-old son.

Here’s what happened, what it taught me, and why more than ever, I believe failure should be your best friend…

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The Setup: Training for a 100-Mile Ride in Just Six Weeks

What started as a wild idea quickly became reality when I realized I had just six weeks to train. So I figured I had two options:

Tell my uncle that I didn’t have time to train and wouldn’t be riding with him.

Start riding my bike as much as possible, while fulfilling my duties as a parent, with more than one job, and allowing for muscle recovery between training sessions.

I figured I’d start by testing myself with just a 20 mile ride. I had no conception of what that would even feel like, so, I figured, if I can do 20, I’ll put off quitting for a little longer.

I did the 20 (slowly), and four days later, I tried 30 miles…

And every 3-5 days, when my legs felt rested, I increased the length by 10 miles…

Before long, I was doing real mileage — 50, 60, 70 miles, and with two weeks to go before the race, I completed my final long ride of 84 miles.

I was feeling so strong and confident that I began setting goals in my mind: I wanted to finish in under 5 hours — average pace of 20 miles per hour.

And even though I had only been on the bike more or less 10 times, I felt that I could do it…

I even wrote down some tips, intending to write an NMA post that focused entirely on the training:

Don’t try to put together your own training plan, without consulting any books, experts, or friends. You’ll miss basic tips, like “eat constantly so you don’t run out of energy and crash.” (At the time, I meant “crash” as in “bonking”, not physically crashing.)

If you’ve never taken apart a bike, don’t wait until the night before the race to take apart your bike and try to fit it into a special shipping bag for the plane ride.

A small amount of caffeine is great at the end of the ride.

Start with slower-carbs (like Bobo Bars, PB&J’s, or this recipe for energy balls) earlier in the ride. Save gummies and gels for the end, if needed. It’s easier on your stomach; provides a better foundation for fueling past 50 miles; and, at the end of the race, you’re dry mouth won’t want to eat another “bar”, so sugar in drink or gummy form worked better for me. Tip: While the whole-food plant-based solution to workout energy, Plant Bites, weren’t a thing when I tried for this race, they are now. And they’re awesome.

The Glory: When Things Go Right

Early in the race, I was learning how to ride in a peloton. I had never ridden in a group, working together to save energy as we push against the wind.

“Wind,” as it turns out, is a factor when riding a bike.

It was a blast. The person at the front of the group would push hard for 5-7 minutes, breaking the wind for all of us behind. When they were wiped, they’d peel off and line up at the back. The next rider would take the lead.

When it was my first turn, I was more than a little nervous. The guy peeled off and said, “Just keep us at a nice 23 mph.” I responded, “I don’t have an odometer, so that’s one issue. And either way, I can’t keep a 23 mile per hour pace!”

He smiled and said, “We’ve been doing 23 miles an hour this entire time…”

I had a surge of energy… which was short lived, because leading the pack is tough work! I don’t think that I lasted a full 5 minutes before the guy behind me said, “Thanks for the pull. I got it.” I probably wasn’t keeping pace…

My only other memory was a prescient one:

I thought to myself, “I’m right on the wheel in front of me — just inches away — going 20+ MPH. This peloton stuff is dangerous. If I fall, that would be really bad. Just don’t take down Glen.” (That’s my uncle, who organized 100+ riders for the day.)

The Fall: Taking Down Uncle Glen, and Nearly Taking My Own Life

Sadly, I took down Uncle Glen….

When I crashed, he was right behind me, and then went right over me. And then went to the hospital with me.

That was one of the worst parts of the entire ordeal; the other was seeing my wife’s reaction to my mangled face.

“Losing” in an (internal) competition is tough. Not finishing is generally worse. Ending in the hospital is really bad…

After my face smashed into the pavement, my first thought was, “I’m not OK. I need to call Adriana.” (My wife.)

There is a tremendous amount of blood flow going to the brain. When you hurt your head, it’s very bloody. If you’ve ever broken your nose, you know how extreme it can be.

Blood poured freely while I crawled towards the phone still attached to my bike. I somehow got enough cell signal to tell Adriana that there had been a crash. Then the call dropped. She was waiting for us at the next water station, at the bottom of the hill. When she saw an ambulance passed, she grabbed our son and followed it to the crash site.

I was conscious during the entire journey from the ambulance to the operating room. I remember saying, “Thank goodness my face was there to break my fall. Otherwise, I could have really been hurt.” Adriana didn’t think that was funny, but I got some laughs from the doctors. She stood in the OR for hours, pregnant and holding our 1 year old son, while I was on the operating table.

I’ll never forget when they rolled me past her, on the way to a CT scan to check for any number of possible injuries to my brain or other vital organs. It all got real in that instant.

For the past hour, I had been making jokes, worrying about my uncle, and hoping to get out of the hospital, because I planned to treat my face with my own natural remedies, and I hate hospitals.

But then, all of a sudden, I was heading for a CT scan and the idea of lasting damage, or death, became very real.

What if I lose vision in that eye? Or both?

What if I can’t see my son grow into a man.

What if there’s internal bleeding?

What if…

Laying in the CT machine after having just seen her terrified face, the enormity of the situation washed over me.

We take risks each day, from driving cars to riding bikes.

And when everything is good, we take so much for granted — like my eyesight, our loved ones health and happiness, and the simple joy of a giggling little kid getting tickled by his mom.

How precious life is. How precious life is.

It’s a phrase we’ve all heard so many times before, but laying in that CT machine, that’s all I could think about.

How precious life is.

If I’ve learned anything — aside from how to ride a bike 64 miles and crash — it’s how fleeting life can be and how desperately we should try to enjoy the most simple pleasures.

Every run or ride. Every smoothie, family dinner, and kid’s book.

Every time we can roll over in bed without waking up from pain, or let water rush over our faces in the shower.

(I lost much of the skin between my upper lip and hairline— on both sides of my nose, which is hard to understand how that’s possible. And with 100+ stitches, showering was a pain, literally.)

So with all the different “goops” that I lathered on each day, all I wanted to do was wash my face vigorously. I couldn’t for months… Now, nearly every day, I consciously think about how nice it feels to let the shower hit my face.

But perhaps the most simple pleasure: enjoying each moment with loved ones.

Failures and Setbacks Leave Us With Opportunities

It’s hard to believe, but in some ways, I would go through it all again to derive the perspective that I now have.

I’m grateful for the adventure — and even the scars — because without them, I wouldn’t cherish every moment the way I do now.

It’s because I failed in a grand, dangerous way that I’m left with a gift far greater than I could have ever imagined when signing up…

A new perspective and a deep appreciation for life.

And while I certainly hope you don’t have to experience a near-death event to gain some appreciation, I do challenge you to stop running from failure.

Failure leaves us with opportunity. Opportunity to grow, learn, and get better.

We’re better athletes when we learn from failed workouts, and we’re better humans when we grow from failed experiences.

So as we approach the new year, I hope this story will inspire you, just as the experience has changed and inspired me.

Savor the little moments in your own life. Laugh and love as much as you can. Give your loved ones an extra hug. Call your old friend. Let the sun hit your face (something I’m not yet supposed to do until the scars fully heal)…

And always wear a helmet.

The post I Tried to Ride a 100 Mile Bike Race and Almost Died (Here’s What I Learned) appeared first on No Meat Athlete.

First found here: I Tried to Ride a 100 Mile Bike Race and Almost Died (Here’s What I Learned)

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cosmosogler · 7 years

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hi guys. nnnnnnnnnooooot feelin too hot.

i got up even later than yesterday, because i fell asleep somehow even later than the day before.

in my dreams i was... trying to navigate a landscape with a gps. i was in a scrub desert, like back at home on the plateaus, and every plant had thorns and no leaves and the grass was dry and sharp and clingy. i could see out over the countryside and there was a storm rolling in. my mind said monsoon but it looked more like a death superstorm. i took shelter in a house and i was trying to fix an electrical panel but i discovered with some irritation and dismay that the wall was so thin that it couldn’t fit anything like wires or insulation. the storm was rolling in.

after that there was a lot of car riding and bike riding and watching the other drivers on the road since i was in the trunk when i was in the car. some people i knew drove by and i heckled them but upon approximately 0 seconds of reflection i realized my teasing didn’t make any sense considering who they were. like either it was not relevant at all or was too mean to be playful. and it was to people i didn’t want to be mean to.

i dunno. after that there was a guy trying to kill the bike champion by rigging the race’s prize and i was also biking past the scene every now and then but also kind of passively watching.

i don’t know how i feel about the passively watching sort of dreams. on one hand there are dreams where i am present but unable to interact with the world. there are others where i am just watching people go about their business like a movie and i don’t, like, remember that i am also a person? or i have dreams where i AM another person and they have their own thoughts and make choices i don’t always agree with.

the dreams were i’m myself... aren’t really the best? but i prefer them to the kind where i just kinda poke my head in and look around. even when i’m dressed up in a costume or giving out the wrong name when people ask it’s still me.

um... anyway, i finished up my laundry and... i don’t remember any more. i had some strudels for breakfast! the apple kind isn’t as good as the strawberry. i put them on the second to highest setting in my toaster and they didn’t get cooked all the way through.

i got to the office at around 11 or 11:30. luis didn’t answer my text about the movie. i worked for a while. i got two sections of grading done and i started the next quantum assignment. next week there will be a new one though and i will be 3 behind again. tomorrow i will be 4 weeks behind in classical.

losin it.

luis came in around 4:30 and i asked if we were seeing the movie and he said what? and then that he had too much work to do. and also his phone died. so that fell through. it’s ok though. i kept working on the grading and the quantum and stuff. i didn’t get the first quantum problem done but keegan said it was really hard. i ended up being too hungry and grouchy to keep working so i went home around 6:45 or so, when i realized i had just spent 15 minutes doing literally nothing because i couldn’t focus any longer.

6 work sessions. so, about 5 hours of work total...? 4 and a half? each one is 45 minutes. i didn’t always have the timer on while i was working though because i’d forget to reset it, and i skipped my break toward the end.

i started feeling real iffy around 5 and the feeling hasn’t gone away since then. by “iffy” i mean everything feels weird and i would like to be not alive.

i keep seeing things, mostly in the corner of my vision. like i mistook the paper towel dispenser for a dark figure standing in the bathroom. the coat rack spooked me, multiple times. absolutely nothing, a few times. i keep seeing bright streaks in my vision and weird little spots of color that slide around. the motion is what puts me on edge. that and there was a big old roach in our office today and jennica and i weren’t sure what to do about that. it was on top of her grading so we couldn’t really... swat it i guess. chuck ended up getting it. we think it was near death anyway, it didn’t seem interested in moving and jennica said it looked like it had mold on its shell.

i mentioned to jennica that i was seeing weird stuff that wasn’t there on a second look and she said that was weird. that was the end of it.

i asked mom to set up an appointment with the eye doctor for when i go home in december. i hope she actually did that. might have to do it myself when i get a few minutes...

apparently stress can make your eyes do weird stuff.

anyway it’s almost 11 now, i wrote past my alarm again... i was looking at stress effects on the body. and stuff about grinding teeth. my jaw’s been popping for like two years now, it’s obnoxious. sometimes i can’t close my mouth properly because it, like, snags.

i feel like i’m dying. my body’s falling apart. i’m gonna end up having every non-vital organ taken out or replaced. well, i already got a vital one poked at and repaired haha.

harrison told me the other day that i talk about aging like i’m already 60. i shrugged and said i’m already wearing out. i hurt all the time, i just don’t have the same range of motion on my right side as i do on the left because of scar tissue. my brain doesn’t work right, my digestive system stopped working properly. i dunno.

on my way out of the office i caught keegan coming out of the grad lounge. he said he was escaping his problems with smash. i nodded sympathetically. but i don’t know how they do it. how do they talk like they’re lazy and mention they don’t work for whole days and STILL get the homework done on time? what am i missing? i know we’re all wearing out from long term anxiety but like... they’re still keeping up. i’m the only one who’s three weeks behind. and i’m only doing work for two classes instead of three.

anyway... a positive thing that happened today is that i biked up the hill in fourth gear instead of third!! i was so exhausted at the top that i couldn’t get back up to speed in fourth gear on level ground, but i can make it up the hill in a higher gear than before.

cyclists still fly past me on the way to and from campus. i don’t know how they do it, it’s not like i’m in the first set of gears. i stick to the second set, and sometimes the third set if there’s no cars or pedestrians. they don’t pedal that much faster than me, they just... are faster. maybe i should see if the tires have enough air or something. i dunno. maybe it’s the fact that i’m riding a trash baby bike that looks like it’s older than i am.

but i moved up to fourth gear so now i am Even Faster going uphill. it helped that i had a snack right before i left. someday i will achieve my dream of gotta go fast. i just have to ride up the hill 40 more times. and then 40 more again.

i’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. so there’s that... it feels like everything happens so slowly but i still manage to lose all the time between obligations. i have an entire week to do this classical assignment. but suddenly it’s a week later and i haven’t even had time to start. and then do that for four weeks straight i guess, now, it’s been.

i’m gonna be a Responsible Adult today and get ready for bed at a REASONABLE time... after this song.

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restatebrk24219 · 5 years

Text

10 Tips for a Successful Post-Mortem

Update: I wrote this article in 2015, but I thought with the new year right behind me that I should update it with all the learning I’ve received on the subject of post-mortems. I realized, in retrospect, that I left one key tip out that I make sure to include in all my post-mortems. So, what’s better than 10 Tips For A Successful Post-Mortem? I present the much new and improved 11 Tips For A Successful Post-Mortem. (Spoiler: #5 is new.)

I love meetings. Actually, let me clarify. I like creative, strategy-focused meetings like a brainstorm or its emo cousin, the Post-Mortem.

What is a post-mortem? To some, it’s an examination of a corpse in order to determine the correct cause of death. To other more well-adjusted individuals (no offense Dana Scully), it’s a discussion (usually at the end of the project) to identify and analyze elements of a project that were successful or unsuccessful. It answers the question, “How’d we do?”

Many people find the name “post-mortem” too macabre. They’d rather call it a “retrospective,” which I find boring and lacking imagination. Even if a project was a ridiculously successful delight from start to finish, the post-mortem marks the end of a job (or phase) and your team is probably happy to have it behind them. If I had my way, I’d call it the “[insert project name] Super Post-Mortem Extravaganza!!” Now don’t tell me you wouldn’t rather go to that than the “[insert project name] Retrospective.”

Not Just For Single Projects

Many people assume that post-mortems are only for one-off projects. Although they’re extremely important for projects with a clearly defined start and end date – think apps, web sites, infographics, etc. – they’re just as useful for ongoing marketing efforts. Post-mortems can keep the big picture in perspective with monthly, quarterly, or annual reviews. Obviously, having one every month is time-consuming, but a few hours every quarter is time well spent.

Not Just For Agencies

Post-mortems aren’t just for agencies trying to retain clients or win new business. They are every bit as useful on the brand side. Marketing Directors can equally benefit by holding post-mortems after finishing any campaign or project. To note, in a perfect world, the post-mortem can involve the client team and the agency team together. Remember, it’s “How’d we do?”

So, now that you’ve been convinced of the awesomeness of the post-mortem and have probably already scheduled one, here are my 10 tips for getting the most out of your post-mortem:

(Note: For the purpose of these tips, I’ll refer to them in the context of a single campaign with a goal of completion rather than an ongoing project.)

1. Have a post-mortem for every project, no matter how small or how big, no matter what the outcome.

Even if a project is small, there are always things that pop up which will help you learn for larger projects. For example, let’s say that the project was delayed because of communication issues. This could lead to a delay of a few days for a small project. But in a massive project, this could delay you by months and more importantly, increase the cost by two-fold. Always a fun conversation with the CFO.

Importantly, post-mortems should be held no matter how well a project went. Some tend to think that a post-mortem is all about what went wrong. Again, I prefer to think of it as “how’d we do and why?” I’ve never worked on a project that went perfectly. Likewise, I’ve never worked on a project that was a complete disaster. There is always something of value to learn.

“The minute that you’re not learning I believe you’re dead.” Jack Nicholson

2. Schedule the post-mortem directly after the project concludes.

If you’re like me, project details evaporate from memory when the big push is finished. If a project goes well we lose sight of problems in light of a job well done. If a project goes poorly we lose sight of successes as we try to figure out what went wrong. Have your post-mortem while details are still fresh. Bonus points for scheduling them in advance.

“The palest ink is better than the best memory.” Chinese Proverb

3. Set a constructive mindset.

This is by far the most important tip on this list. A post-mortem is not about highlighting failures with the purpose of assigning blame. It’s not about reviewing employee performance. It’s about reviewing the work and the result for purposes of team and personal improvement. It needs to be constructive.

Therefore, it’s important that your team is in the right mindset: positive and learning-focused, not defensive or hypercritical. The best way to do this is to start off the conversation with something positive. Generally, the more powerful or proud they feel, the more effectively they can process constructive criticism.

As one of my team members always likes to say when things go wrong, “Well, nobody was killed, so…” Remind everyone that, no matter how embarrassing a gaffe, you can learn from it. Obviously, this doesn’t work if somebody did die, but no Portent project has killed anyone so far… so I’ve been told.

“I’m the kind of person who likes to create the environment and mindset – not because I do it deliberately, but because that’s how I like to live – where, from catering to makeup to hair to wardrobe, electricians, camera department lighting, sound, you know, it’s our movie; we’re together, and we have that camaraderie and that closeness.” Steve McQueen

4. Create an agenda.

Even a relaxed meeting needs an agenda. The last thing we want is a completely disorganized mess that leaves you an hour later with no idea of what you actually learned. Having an agenda will actually help with all of the tips I’ve spoken about so far.

Here’s a sample agenda for an effective post-mortem:

Set Tone / Explain Format (5 Min) – This is possibly the most critical, pivotal 5 minutes of the meeting. It’s where you remind the group that this post-mortem is all about constructive analysis. It’s your chance to guide the mindset of the group and hopefully get them to relax and feel safe enough for a truly productive session.

Recap The Project (2 Min) – That’s it. You’ll give a synopsis of what the project was about and what the initial expectations were. This will let you focus on the measurable goals so you can objectively evaluate whether the project was a success.

Recap The Outcome (3 Min) – Although there might be a difference of opinion on how everyone thought the process went, usually there’s a pretty straightforward idea on whether the goal was met. Was the client happy? (This could be a client in the literal sense, or it could be the CMO of your own company.) Did the cost exceed the budget? Was the product delivered on time?

Team Member Questions (40 Min) – This is the meat of the post-mortem. Where all this setup will pay dividends. It’s where the conversation really gets going and your team members get an opportunity to speak up. It helps to jump-start by asking one person a question and allow people to riff off each other. The important thing is that everyone gets a chance to contribute. Here are the questions that I like to ask:

Are you proud of our finished deliverables? If yes, what made them great? If no, what was wrong or missing?

Did we get the results we wanted and did it make impact?

Which of our methods or processes worked particularly well?

Which of our methods or processes were difficult or frustrating to use?

How would you do things differently next time to avoid this frustration?

What else could we do better next time?

What was the most gratifying or professionally satisfying part of the project?

Wrap-Up (10 Min) – This is where you thank everyone for participating and let them know that notes will be coming soon.

Admittedly, it can be really challenging to keep to this agenda on the fly, but the last thing you want to do is stop the conversation from flowing organically. Most times, the conversation will jump naturally from one question to the next. The important part is that you make sure each of the answers is a conversation and everyone is able to address them.

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” Benjamin Franklin

5. Send out a questionnaire to all the participants prior to the meeting.

An agenda is extremely important, but it’ll be hard to stick to your timetable if the participants aren’t prepared themselves having thought about all the questions you plan to cover. If they haven’t already though through the questions, I guarantee you if you ask them what methods or processes worked well, you’ll get at least 10-20 seconds of blank stares.

This is productive for two reasons. First, you’ll more likely get better answers. It’s hard to come up with something on the spot that has substance. Secondly, when somebody finally feels like they have a good answer, nobody else will listen to them because they’re busy trying to think of a good answer themselves.

So, along with a simple agenda, make sure that you send all the participants a list of questions that they should think about prior to the meeting. It’s best if you give them plenty of time to get this done so it’s not a last minute dash right before the post-mortem.

“We must open the doors of opportunity. But we must also equip our people to walk through those doors.” Lyndon B. Johnson

6. Identify the moderator.

Along with an agenda, there must be one person responsible for moderating the meeting. This is generally the same person that set the agenda and scheduled the post-mortem. Having a moderator not only creates bumper rails for the conversation, but allows all the other team members the freedom to speak their mind without worrying excessively about the structure or process.

A good moderator will give the right amount of leeway for the conversation to tackle a tangent before reigning it back in.

The moderator should also be the one to take notes. I recommend using a white board. That allows team members to stay engaged, rather than frantically scribbling notes.

“Can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the things?” Homer Simpson

7. Keep it relaxed.

As I mentioned earlier, I love creative strategy meetings. They tend to be more relaxed and therefore more fun. Dreaded, high-tension post-mortems kill creativity and seal your team into their personal shells. That kind of meeting is as productive as a team-wide nap time.

You’re uncovering uncomfortable stuff much of the time. Deliberately promote a relaxed environment. If it’s early in the morning, bring coffee and donuts. If it’s later in the day, bring beer and well… donuts. Always bring donuts.

“A cheerful frame of mind, reinforced by relaxation… is the medicine that puts all ghosts of fear on the run.” George Matthew Adams

8. Encourage participation.

The goal of a post-mortem is a deep dive into the project and learning as a team. By surfacing the perspectives of everyone in the group – many of whom are often more in the weeds – they let us uncover issues at a micro-level that add up to a seriously macro impact. If only a few team members are speaking up, be sure and ask the others what thoughts they have. Sometimes it only takes a small amount of prodding before people feel comfortable talking.

“In teamwork, silence isn’t golden, it’s deadly.” Mark Sanborn

9. Leave the laptops behind.

Just like creative brainstorms, I prefer that post-mortems are screen-less affairs. Folks are encouraged to bring notes, but computers often provide more distraction than they’re worth. For those already a bit hesitant to share their thoughts, there’s nothing worse than opening up only to find that people aren’t paying attention. A post-mortem should create dialogue and bounce thoughts and ideas back and forth. There’s no room for a computer in this process – even for note taking. (I’ll explain why later.)

“The successful warrior is the average man, with laser focus.” Bruce Lee

10. Develop actionable takeaways.

Even the most productive post-mortem is no good unless there are clear, actionable takeaways. “Do better” is a noble takeaway indeed, but how do you act on that next time? You need specific to-dos the team can remember in the heat of the next project.

In our previous example, if communication was the problem, perhaps the actionable takeaway is to set more regular, in-person check-ins.

Actionable takeaways set clear expectations. The team can hold each other accountable for implementing them on the next project.

“An organization’s ability to learn, and translate that learning into action rapidly, is the ultimate competitive advantage.” Jack Welch

11. Share post-mortem takeaways.

Nothing groundbreaking here. The last important tip is to share the post-mortem takeaways with anybody who might benefit from your newly-found pearls of wisdom. This definitely includes your post-mortem attendees. But spend the time to identify others in your company who deal with the same challenges.

“Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.” His Holiness the Dalai Lama

While some of these tips are bit more rigid than others, the most important thing to remember is to keep the nature of the post-mortem light, yet still productive and impactful. If you succeed, you’ll watch your team take away immensely valuable insights that’ll make the next project even better.

Or if this is all just too much, just be sure and call it a Super Post-Mortem Extravaganza. And bring donuts.

The post 10 Tips for a Successful Post-Mortem appeared first on Portent.

http://bit.ly/2AJittR

#10 Tips for a Successful Post-Mortem

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constructionsworkr3053 · 5 years

Text

10 Tips for a Successful Post-Mortem

I love meetings. Actually, let me clarify. I like creative, strategy-focused meetings like a brainstorm or its emo cousin, the Post-Mortem.

Not Just For Single Projects

Not Just For Agencies

So, now that you’ve been convinced of the awesomeness of the post-mortem and have probably already scheduled one, here are my 10 tips for getting the most out of your post-mortem:

(Note: For the purpose of these tips, I’ll refer to them in the context of a single campaign with a goal of completion rather than an ongoing project.)

1. Have a post-mortem for every project, no matter how small or how big, no matter what the outcome.

“The minute that you’re not learning I believe you’re dead.” Jack Nicholson

2. Schedule the post-mortem directly after the project concludes.

“The palest ink is better than the best memory.” Chinese Proverb

3. Set a constructive mindset.

4. Create an agenda.

Here’s a sample agenda for an effective post-mortem:

Are you proud of our finished deliverables? If yes, what made them great? If no, what was wrong or missing?

Did we get the results we wanted and did it make impact?

Which of our methods or processes worked particularly well?

Which of our methods or processes were difficult or frustrating to use?

How would you do things differently next time to avoid this frustration?

What else could we do better next time?

What was the most gratifying or professionally satisfying part of the project?

Wrap-Up (10 Min) – This is where you thank everyone for participating and let them know that notes will be coming soon.

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” Benjamin Franklin

5. Send out a questionnaire to all the participants prior to the meeting.

“We must open the doors of opportunity. But we must also equip our people to walk through those doors.” Lyndon B. Johnson

6. Identify the moderator.

A good moderator will give the right amount of leeway for the conversation to tackle a tangent before reigning it back in.

The moderator should also be the one to take notes. I recommend using a white board. That allows team members to stay engaged, rather than frantically scribbling notes.

“Can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the things?” Homer Simpson

7. Keep it relaxed.

“A cheerful frame of mind, reinforced by relaxation… is the medicine that puts all ghosts of fear on the run.” George Matthew Adams

8. Encourage participation.

“In teamwork, silence isn’t golden, it’s deadly.” Mark Sanborn

9. Leave the laptops behind.

“The successful warrior is the average man, with laser focus.” Bruce Lee

10. Develop actionable takeaways.

In our previous example, if communication was the problem, perhaps the actionable takeaway is to set more regular, in-person check-ins.

Actionable takeaways set clear expectations. The team can hold each other accountable for implementing them on the next project.

“An organization’s ability to learn, and translate that learning into action rapidly, is the ultimate competitive advantage.” Jack Welch

11. Share post-mortem takeaways.

“Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.” His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Or if this is all just too much, just be sure and call it a Super Post-Mortem Extravaganza. And bring donuts.

The post 10 Tips for a Successful Post-Mortem appeared first on Portent.

http://bit.ly/2AJittR

#10 Tips for a Successful Post-Mortem

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cosmosogler · 7 years

Text

hey nerds! it’s 10:48!!! time to die!!!!!

this week there aren’t labs because homecoming means we have a day off on friday (???). so i slept in until 8:20 and didn’t miss anything! i had a pokey morning and then i biked in and got to the office around 10:45-ish. then i wasted time dicking around with harrison and playing pokemon until other people arrived. i had some lunch and then at 1:00 i actually got started on my quantum assignment. i worked until 3 and then i went to see my e&m professor. he made me wait 35 minutes to see him.

then he basically told me i did badly on the test for 25 minutes straight and i had no opportunity to try to move the conversation forward because he gets so mad when i interrupt him. he kept finding new ways to tell me i did badly on this test and he wasn’t the person to talk to about how to do better even though he was the academic advising expert in the department for 7 years but i need to look into other resources and wow, man, i just did horrible on that test!

and he asked why i didn’t do such and such a thing over and over, and i couldn’t tell him that i DID do those things, because he kept charging forward with his suggestions. i felt like a useless lazy blob. he told me to be more proactive.

like my brain latches on to that and is like “yeah! you suck! you should do more!!” and the other part of me says “but i did...??? this is nonsense?????” but i still feel really bad. i looked like i was gonna cry by the time i got back to the office. i scrubbed my face with my palms to try to look less miserable.

at 4:30 we all went upstairs to celebrate the nobel peace prize being awarded to the head of a project that our department gave a lot of help to. we hung out and ate cake for like an hour and a half. most of my classmates had at least one glass of wine.

a few things happened at the party that i would like to note but i am not sure what to think of them quite yet. i have thoughts but not complete ones.

jennica and the others were talking and she said i was “sweet.” i kind of frowned and asked if that was true. she said yeah and when i asked keegan and harrison about it later they both agreed. keegan described it as “you are the wholesome memes of the department.”

my first thought is “i’m not sweet! i’m edgy.” but thinking about it i guess there’s worse niches for me to fill in a social circle.

the other thing that happened was i got interrupted constantly for the entire hour after the lecture. i had to start one story over more than 6 times (i stopped keeping count) and i didn’t even ever get past the first sentence before everyone left. i joked to keegan later that i didn’t get to finish even one story that whole social event. he looked kinda guilty but also i got interrupted again after that.

i dunno. maybe i talk too much. maybe i talk about myself too much. i think the stories are great and not necessarily about myself (just things i was present for) but maybe i tell them bad. i know sitting through one of jennica’s stories is agonizing with all the asides and losing the plot and changing details halfway through a thought. but i thought i told stories pretty well. i don’t know any more.

after that i diddled around in the office while my classmates went to their extra e&m lecture. i had some dinner and studied study strategies. i never did find recommendations for “multi modal” learning preferences. just one of the four as a specialty. i guess i have to figure out how to mix them up myself.

tomorrow is my first group therapy session. i saw on my planner. kind of concerned about that... i think i talked about it a little yesterday. not sure how much it’ll help now that it’s literally midterms.

i finished the quantum assignment with a little problem... i was having a lot of trouble finishing the questions after i reached the end of the calculations i knew how to do. suzanne said i DID finish answering the question but i feel like i didn’t quite reach what i was looking for. i helped jennica with it a bit at least even though i was having trouble making words happen out of my mouth.

i biked home and then it was 9:15 and i made some dinner and then it was 9:45 and i did some work. i looked at the notes suzanne sent (the pdf didn’t export correctly though...? we’ll have to do some troubleshooting tomorrow) and i wrote a letter to my cousin for her wedding which i cannot attend and i took care of getting more food for snoopy and did a little more study stuff and i organized my planner for tomorrow. my to-do list is very long but it’s made up of stuff that’s not too hard to check off i think. like one is “send the letter” and another is “talk to one person in the department about their research.” i dunno.

now it’s 11:10. i am talking to keegan about whether or not i should talk less around them.

that came out wrong.

i asked if i should dial it back. he said no. so i guess i will charge forward and get interrupted again another day.

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paranoid-fighter · 7 years

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:0 all of them if you'd like!

So, I did answer all of them. However, there are some dark and heavy things in some of the questions, so I left those blank. Since it’s so long, the answers are under the cut.

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.I remember seeing snippits of it on the television in the hotel in Washington DC years and years ago. I wanted to know the name of the movie, but we didn't have time for me to find the TV Guide channel. Years passed by and then I saw the movie again. I watched more of it, but I missed the first half.

I think it took me a few years to finally see the whole thing. I should watch it again - haven't seen it in over four years. (The Birdcage is a wonderful movie.)

2: Talk about your first kiss.I was in 9th grade and I was out on some sort of hiking trip with some other people at my church. A guy I had been kinda flirting with a bit pulled me aside and kissed me. I had the brilliant idea to pretend to faint afterwards. I fell to the ground and didn't move. As he began to panic, I stood up, pointed and laughed at him.

Yeah, I don't know either.

3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.My former best friend, I think. She was the one that got me into writing all those years ago. I flew to Japan to meet her and then, a few years later, she came to the US while on military leave. I had a whole week planned for us and, I must say, it was incredibly romantic.

And then I saw her in person and realized how much she had changed in the two years after our first meeting. It quickly killed any and all feelings I had.

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.I try to live in a way that eliminates regrets - I do not do things that I think will cause me to feel regret. However, there are plenty of embarrassing incidents in my past that make me feel emotions akin to regret.

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.My 24th was probably the best. I spent the entire day alone in my old apartment, not talking to anyone for more than about ten minutes (tops) and it was all over the phone. I made myself some cupcakes and mulled wine and I spent the day lying on the couch, listening to music as I ate and drank in happy solitude.

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.I had just turned 22 and was at my parents' house with none of my friends around. That morning, I was told that I was showing lesions, potentially cancerous, in my liver. I was so violently ill that I dropped fifteen pounds in less than three weeks and had lacerations in most of my lower GI tract. I was in so much pain and was so fatigued that I could barely get out of bed. My at-the-time boyfriend was accusing me of faking my pain and sickness so that I didn't have to go see him. When I told my best friend of 12 years what was happening, she signed offline and didn't talk to me again for about three months. That night, I was looking up things I wanted to do, in case it was cancer, and that's when I found out that my life-long dream of being a pilot would never happen because you can't get your pilot's license when you have vertigo...

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.Either my physical appearance, my intelligence or my writing. They're all major insecurities, but they take turns jockeying for the number one spot.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.I'm still alive.

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.I have a little freckle in each of my eyes, near the brown ring around my iris. The overall colour of my eye can be described as hazel, but it's more of a grey/green colour than a brown - aside from the aforementioned ring.

I also like my tattoos. I have three at this point and each represents a milestone in my life. Tattoos: the first one was done in Japan, while meeting my (at the time) best friend of 10+ years. The second is a : ) on my left hand, near the thumb. It was how I celebrated a first year of post-college employment (I drew the smile on my hand all during college, as a reminder to smile.) The third is the grey muslin moth on my foot, to celebrate a milestone in my life.

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.All I will say is that I was 18 and it was between my father and older brother. It went on for hours and the relationships are forever altered.

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.I... don't really remember my dreams. I suppose the best one I had was a semi-lucid dream where a very dear friend knelt down beside my bed a few days after breaking up with the aforementioned boyfriend. He told me "I know it's hard now, but you're going to be okay. I promise." Either that, or the one night I finally beat the night terrors that I had been having for over 12 years. True, I tore the muscles in my shoulders because I literally fought off the dream and was in a sling for six weeks, but it was worth it.

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.Any of the night terrors that I had at least monthly for over 12 years. They would always include the same themes, but in different orders, and would always result in me dying.

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.I’m sorry, but no. I prefer not to think about that time.

14: Talk about a vacation.I spent a week alone in my old apartment, drinking mulled wine and mead, eating good food and watching the snow falling. I'd go out in the mornings for a long walk on the snowy trails by the river, sometimes with a cigar, and I'd watch the ducks swimming in the river. It was quiet.

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.I did a post about this a while ago, in more detail, but it was a night that I was sitting with one of my very best friends in the office of the brewery. It was raining and we could hear it on the metal roof. We sat together, he was rubbing my feet for a bit, and we were just talking for hours. We left after the brewery closed for the night, then we stood outside in the parking lot. We held each other for a long time before we drove our separate ways. His car followed mine for as long as he could.

16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to.I wouldn't really call it a party in the sense that invitations were sent out, but there was one night in college that my roommate/best friend was in my room with me. We were drinking together and we just talked honestly to one another. We talked about our pasts, our families, our fears, our hopes and dreams. We spent the night like that, talking until our voices were hoarse.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.Someone that likes to sit back and talk about life, the universe and everything. The late night conversations where you sit in the comfortable darkness and just ask the questions you're too afraid to say during the day. Someone I can trust, who understands my boundaries and my own needs, who I can turn to at any time.

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.Second grade, my teachers found out I was reading on a college level and I was the furthest ahead in multiplication knowledge - it was the only time I was ever good at math.

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.I found a book in my brother's room that took me to a fansite online, which then sparked my interest in writing.

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.I was given a medal by my English teacher. I can't remember what it was for, or why I was given it, but I remembered being proud of it. Especially because it was the one medal that wasn't given to the daughter of the school's guidance councilor/administrator.

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.Someone in college asked me out with a very sweet poem that he left on my door. I showed it to another friend, who then told me that the guy was a drug addict with a possible sexual assault charge. I wrote a note on his door, politely declining his offer.

I still like the phrase "let me be your afternoon delight," though.

22: Talk about your worst fear.Honestly? Being forced to stay alive on life support.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.He was a coworker at my former job. I had a crush on him. He didn't have one on me. He came over for a farewell drink before I moved away. He left soon after.

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot."I have learned so much about people from you. You have had all these things happen to you, but you keep on going and you keep smiling. I want to be like you." - My therapist, during one of our sessions.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.I called him "Big Brother," because he was everything I wanted in a brother. He and I met and it was almost like meeting someone from a previous life. We clicked instantly and were inseparable. Even when he moved away, we kept in touch. He'd call me every day after he got off work. We'd play video games together almost every single night.

His fiance told him "it's him or me."

He got married two years ago.

It ended with "I love you, Big Brother." "I love you too, Little Brother."

It was the first and last time he ever called me that.

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.If I'm physically sick, then I will generally make eggdrop soup and sip on that. If it's mental sickness, then I clean. And clean. And clean.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body.Their hair - if it's clean and well-kept.

28: Talk about your fetishes.Yeah, no.

29: Talk about what turns you on.Kindness, showing general interest in something I enjoy, kindness, good hygiene...

30: Talk about what turns you off.Rudeness, telling me you don't care about something I do, rudeness, poor hygiene...

31: Talk about what you think death is like.An ending.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.The bathroom window, overlooking the woods just a few yards away. I'd spend a very long time staring out of the window, watching the birds and the trees. And then, on some nights, I'd watch the moon and the stars.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.I sit and stew for awhile, usually alone and completely offline. I try to distract myself and I usually end up cleaning. And cleaning. And cleaning. Until exhaustion claims me. After some time, guilt overrides my sadness and I come back online again.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.Having cysts rupture. I have a high pain tolerance which has been proven time and time again, but this left me gasping and literally screaming for God to kill me for over five hours, each and every time. It happened four times in three months. I do not think I will forget it.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.Being so damned focused on "doing." I must always be doing something, always, always. It's a problem. I make myself lists of things to do and I make them in a way that takes almost all day to do, leaving me no time at the end for myself.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.Cookie dough ice cream. Soft bedding. Fuzzy things. Some music I won't readily admit to. I don't know if these count as guilty pleasures, though, but I'm drawing a blank on what actually would be a guilty pleasure of mine.

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.She was my best friend in high school. I thought I loved her. She made me happy to be around. We grew apart when she started dating other men, but she'd always come back to be my friend when they left. I was always there for her. I liked being her support. But... we grew apart when she started dating her now-husband. We grew apart and we both never reached out to the other again.

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people."Outside" by Hollywood Undead reminds me of my "Big Brother." I listened to the song on repeat for hours after our farewell - it was his favourite band."Snow" by Red Hot Chili Peppers reminds me of my brother - it's one of his favourite songs. ...Truthfully, most songs I can think of remind me of OCs or other characters, not really people in the physical sense.

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.How to change a flat tire, how to jumpstart a dead car, how to properly talk to your boss, to how get the most out of a doctor's appointment, how to ask for a second opinion, how to know when people are flirting (still need to know this one, truthfully)...

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.About seventeen months ago, I gave up almost all of my possessions, packed what I could into my car, moved fifteen hours away from where I had been living, found a new place to live within three days and then started a new job within a week and a half of leaving my old one. It was a whirlwind and it took me over a year to finally feel settled in my new residence.

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kintailscape · 7 years

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CONfabulation 2017

This weekend, I had a wonderful time at CONfabulation, a multi-fandom convention by the people who brought us Wincon. As always, it’s hard to adjust to real life again after several days of being a fangirl at the height of excitement and being uncensored around/among my people. So I thought I’d write it up while the experience is still somewhat fresh.

I headed out on Thursday morning a little earlier than I’d planned. There was a Penguins game that night and the hotel I was heading to was next door to the hockey arena in Pittsburgh, so I was worried about parking. Google said it would take me 4 hours to get there.I left at 10:30am and made it there at 4:45pm; I’m not so sure, but that seems like a little more than 4 hours. But it wasn’t all the fault of traffic or the weather. I did make one wrong turn and had to pay a toll for a road I didn’t even go onto (Grr!) but I got there without too much difficulty, especially once I left Northern Virginia. I was traveling alone this time, as my con friend was unable to get off work, which meant I could stop for snarfs I saw on the side of the road along the way. I earread Magnus Chase and the Sword of Summer by Rick Riorden during the drive.

When I got to Pittsburgh, the traffic wasn’t all that bad, but it was FILLED with Penguins fans. As a Capitals fan, it was a bit stomach-churning to witness. Luckily, the hotel had self-parking spots available. So I checked in and then unloaded, realizing on my last trip that I’d left the giant bag of food I’d bought at home! Arg! I settled into my hotel room within two minutes (I never really unpack much). My room had a giant space in it (where another bed or a table once was, I assume, or else it was for playing Twister).

I headed down for the meet & greet and ended up sharing two fandoms (Carry On and Grantchester) during small fandom speed dating. I also wrote down several fandoms I now definitely need to put on the high priority list. Then I joined a few people who were heading out to a 7-11 in order to stock up on food. We learned a lot about Pittsburgh City Center during our exploration including: streets are layered, hilly, and confusing; alcohol cannot be purchased at 7-11, and all stores close ridiculously early. I stocked up on some protein bars, bananas, and cereal for the week, then we ventured out to find an open liquor store. Three stores later, we found one that was still open (it was 7:15pm). I also found a good handful of historical markers; my new friends helped me spot them.

We got back to the hotel and I knew from the sight of the downstairs and the streets packed with Penguins fans that I didn’t want to go back out (besides, everything seemed closed). So I spent the night in my room watching Doctor Who episodes, writing fanfiction, reading Outlander, and eating room service. Every so often I checked the hockey score and, when the Pens unfortunately won, the streets outside my hotel room exploded with noise. Ugh. Not where I wanted to be, that’s for sure.

I had a rough night sleep-wise, so I was glad to have my Always Keep Fighting hoodie to snuggle up in Friday morning.

Friday Morning Schedule:

10:00am–10:30am Dealer room I hit the dealer room and bought a few presents, items for future swaps, and something for myself. I also picked up the custom order I made from NightengaleNeedles for a pillow. It turned out so nicely! I had to run it back up to my room so that I wouldn’t fall asleep in panels with it. heehee

10:30am–11:00am Opening Ceremonies Yay! We made it here!

11:00am–12:00pm Buffy the Vampire Slayer: 20 years Later Panelists started by playing the theme song, which definitely got us in the Buffy mood. We had a good time talking about our favorite characters, moments, and episodes as well as discussing the uniqueness of the show itself. It was wonderful to find there were quite a few Spander shippers there, including among the panelists. We all pretty much agreed Spike is the fandom bicycle, but we meant it with love of course. I also liked the discussion about how the show highlighted the concept of inventing yourself and that change is possible without losing your friends.

12:00pm–1:00pm Plushie Workshop I We had to start from scratch as bodies weren’t pre-made, and deciding what to make took me a while, but this was a much needed fun crafting break up in the Quiet Craft room that happened to also be on my floor of the hotel.

I headed out with a new friend to find Jimmy Johns for lunch. After walking in the wrong direction and stressing about time, we ended up at a pizza place on the other side of the block from our hotel where several con attendees were also eating. I had a veggie hoagie, which I ate while walking back to the con and finished during the next session.

Friday Afternoon Schedule:

2:00pm–3:00pm Ohana Means Family This was the found family panel, and we started off by trying to define found families (does joining an existing family like Harry joining the Weasleys count? do they have to have a parental figure?). I adored the discussion of non-human species (like werewolves) who have a sense of otherness already who need to seek out others for a shared experience (I love a good wolf pack). We also discussed the many different ways they come about—choice, workplace, survivalism, world-saving, etc. Other discussion topics included how fandom is our found family, subsets within families, the greater diversity in a found family compared to biological family, how people with different skill sets help each other, and if there are any found families lately without tragic backstories. You get a tragic backstory! You get a tragic backstory! Look under your chairs, everyone get s a tragic backstory! I was THRILLED to get to talk Sense8 for a while! Squee!

3:00pm–4:00pm A Galaxy Far, Far Away We started off by sharing our own Star Wars origin stories, and it was neat seeing the diversity in the group (and also finding others who like the Ewoks). We talked about ships and ships as well. I’m clearly going to have to properly make my way through the Darths and Droids Webcomic. And we ended with discussion of The Last Jedi (SPOILERS!!!!!!) including how even though Finn is wearing Poe’s entire outfit it doesn’t necessarily indicate that Poe is naked, though there is a strong case for such.

4:00pm–5:00pm Vid Show The vid show was wonderful; I’d seen only two of the vids before (and as one was Leverage with my OT3 and to an Ingrid Michealson song, I certainly didn’t mind seeing it again). I was utterly destroyed by Darcy’s SG-1 Jack/Daniel vid entitled “Living Alone” and had to break out the tissue pack almost at once. So good!

As I had no one to do dinner with, I worked on my plushie a little and then went back to the only food place I knew was open and ordered a salad (healthy) and onion rings (my weakness). I sewed through dinner and got the body done (even though I had to reinforce the crotch better after stuffing him).

Then I got ready for the masquerade. I wore my Marauder’s Map dress with Marauder’s Map pin on my badge, Marauder’s Map bow in my hair, and the actual Maurader’s Map as a necklace. (I maybe like the marauders a bit, you know) I also had a black mask I bought with the cape I wore to the Walk to End HIV a few years back when the theme was superheros. I discovered upon arrival that I had taken the masquerade title too literally and I was only one of a few who had masks. Still, it went with the outfit and made me feel a little bolder to be hiding behind a mask, so I kept it on. There was a mashed potatoes bar and a dessert bar as well, and the decorations were wonderful. I had a lot of nice conversations with people, including getting to geek out on Classic Who (and ask some questions about it… and get some lovely audiobook recs) and catch up with one of my favorite fellow hurt/comfort writers. I don’t like dances much and attempted to retire to the fandom lounge for button-making with friends like last Wincon, but it was locked up. Drat! So we headed back to the dance. I did dance to the Time Warp, because that one has scripted dance moves. And I danced to the last song with everyone, which was Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin'” (so perfect, though were were a little iffy on which verse was which LOL).

Oh, the movie never ends It goes on and on, and on, and on … Don’t stop believin’ Hold on to that feelin’

I went back to my room after the masquerade and worked for 2 hours on my plushie while watching Doctor Who. I finished up watching the Fifth Doctor’s episodes! I also discovered I cut the underwear too small for my plushie. Then I went to bed at 2am.

I got up at 9 in order to eat breakfast and get down to the dealer room as soon as possible.

Saturday Morning Schedule:

10:00am–10:30am Dealer’s Room My friend put in a request for merch and I was hoping to squeeze it in before the morning panels. However, the dealers didn’t all get there early, so I ended up missing half of the first panel. I also dropped a few BookCrossing books on tables in the fandom lounge to give away. Worth it, though. The dealer had the thing my friend wanted AND I ended up buying things from pretty much all the other dealers. Good start to a morning indeed!

10:30am–11:00am Disability in Media A LOT less angry and complainy than most of the disability panels I’ve attended at other cons. There was a lot of talk of positive examples and analysis of things. That was refreshing to hear. I’m sorry I missed the part where they discussed Bashir because, I mean, Bashir, right?

11:00am–12:00pm Invisible Unicorns I had the HARDEST time figuring out this time slot. It was up against Book Recs for the People (I adore books) and Totally 80s Toons (possibly my only chance to talk about my first fandom with people: Pound Puppies). I asked the panelist heading from Disability in Media to Totally 80s Toons to please NOT discuss Pound Puppies because missing such a discussion would break my heart. Then I stayed in the roundtable room for Invisible Unicorns, where we talked about bi, ace, pan, etc. representations in fandoms. The session was so well attended we had to keep grabbing more chairs. LOL It was wonderful. I came out with a LOT to think about. We talked about the whole “prove it!” thing and the problematic usage of “born this way.” One thing I had never heard put into words before was how there is a shorthand for sex onscreen but no shorthand for things like asexual romance (YET!). There were also some hilarious moments i.e. “Once you cross the het barrier at knotting…” “That is NOT where the het barrier is.”

12:00pm–1:00pm Plushie Workshop II I was considering going to MCU, but I’m behind on S.H.I.E.L.D. and haven’t seen the second Guardians yet, so I decided to craft. I had big plans: Finish the head, make new underwear, make the suit jacket, sew the head on to finish it. I managed the first 2 of 4. I made the suit jacket then discovered it’s just a little too small. Drat! I’ll have to redo part of it. But it was definitely another nice break. Except now I have what looks like a headless Morman and not a Ianto Jones yet. One lovely attendee brought a ton of little figures, and we had fun going through them, sorting them by property, and selecting a few. I got a couple for myself and one for a friend. At the end of the day, after everyone else had a chance to look through them (and they were no longer sorted) I took a few more.

I worked on my plushie through lunch (thanks to snacks from 7-11) then headed to afternoon sessions.

Saturday Afternoon Schedule:

2:00pm–3:00pm OT3: A Love Story We listed our favorite OT3s in fandom (Leverage, Force Awakens, White Collar, Haven, Marvel, Sense8, etc.) I ship some very rare OT3s so I didn’t bring them up (Wolverine/Iron Man/Captain America; Sherlock/Watson/Lestrade) but it was fun hearing about other people’s ships. We discussed why OT3s are the best (solves love triangle problems, avoids ship wars, solves problem of killing off awesome female characters). We also talked about dynamics of OT3s (relationship negotiations–swoon!, soulmate AUs, imperfect moments, overlap with found families, inviting someone to join, etc.). And, of course, this lovely quote “My fandoms have orgies all the time” which pretty much sums up my writing style. LOL

3:00pm–4:00pm Fandom as Genre This one was interesting, and I’m very glad I went. What’s unique to fandom that makes it its own thing and makes it special? Some topics of discussion included: ability to have different versions of the same character, ability to have different settings/situations with the same characters, ability to explore minor characters, having less exposition (already know the shared universe, history, appearances, etc.), POV differences, how much of the community aspect is needed to make it fanfiction, the difference between authorized tie-in novels and fanfiction, why we write fanfiction (for ourselves or for a certain population that knows certain things already about the source material), what we’re allowed to write in a fandom vs. what is taboo, how A/B/O originated in fandom, and the concept of headers/tag wranglers. Some quotes I liked included “Fanfic is the only place characters go into the bedroom and come out as the same people,” “We need to make supernatural disgusting again!” and “We’ve come a long way from ‘we’re not gay, we just love each other.'” There was also a question raised regarding what is at the core of a character that makes him recognizable and feel like the same character when everything around is different?

4:00pm–4:30pm Charity Raffle The charity was Planned Parenthood, and people were generous both in the donating of items and in the buying of raffle tickets. I bought $40 in raffle tickets, so I was expecting to win a few things (especially as a few things I put tickets in for only had one or two tickets in the cup). I didn’t get the Ace scarf I really wanted and put a lot of tickets in for, but I did get a bunch of things, including a Martha plushie (who can hang out with Ianto, once he’s done–the Joneses!), tons of comics (including some Archies, Buffys, Marvel, and more), a Donatello figure (he’s my turtle), a Spider-man hat, and some gorgeous fannish jewelry. I was also super happy to see the items I donated to the raffle go to people who will love them. One super nice new friend gave me something she won in the raffle and had two of. Squee!

After the raffle, I bought a few things from the other vendor I hadn’t purchased from yet (I’d frankly been avoiding her booth because I wanted every single thing she had for sale and didn’t trust myself). I ended up with a few buttons I’d never seen before and a super soft Kaylee Bear. I thought about also buying the Jayne Bear, but I just couldn’t do it without a Simon Bear to ship with him. #noregrets.

A few of us stayed in the fandom lounge to finally take advantage of the button machine. Making buttons was one of my favorite parts of Wincon, and it was fun to have one of my button-making friends back as well as some new button-making friends joining the crew. We had a great time going through stickers and magazines, looking for things we wanted. I made a kickass perfect RuPaul button that is sort of now my favorite. I also made an Alexander Hamilton button and a kitty King George button to go with him. And some others, of course. We were at it for a little over 2 hours. It was such fun seeing the creative things people made!

I had just enough time to pop over to Jimmy Johns (found it this time!) before it closed (it was only 7:20, mind you!) and get back to the con in time for the trivia contest. I’d planned on just watching, but I got roped into playing. Glad I did; I even knew a few of the answers, like what century Outlander was in. However, I feel SHAME forever for saying “Flashverse” instead of “Flashpoint.” I will never shake off that shame. I was proud to be able to answer the question about all the Weasley siblings (including next generation) and probably could have done the hockey siblings one, but two people on my team JUMPED at that, so I let them have at it. I’m also sad I couldn’t remember the names of the Hansons! Terrible fangirling on my part; I’m just not good at remembering things when there are time constraints! In all, we had a great team and we came in second… though later I heard we misgraded another team’s paper and actually came in third. Just like the Puffs play says “Third or nothing!!!”

After trivia was Badfic Idol. My fic “Five Times Something Happened and One Time Something Else Happened” was read at the beginning. It was my first attempt and it didn’t win first place or even second. But it did get some laughs. And my friend appreciated the Picard on a Horse inside joke from Wincon I threw in there. Actually, 80% of the fic was thought up during Wincon a few years back, so it was fun to share it. Instead of the judges giving their thoughts after each fic like last time, they gave them all at once at the end, which was a little more confusing, but we got there in the end. The winning fic had no words and was written only in emojis starting with policeman knife fireman and ending with sailboat. I mean… sailboat, you know? That’s a damn powerful ending. Definitely deserved to win! It was a great event; all the stories were hilarious; I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. And the judges’ comments were amazing!

After Badfic Idol, I stuck around for a game of Cards Against Humanity. I actually won a round, which was great. I played some fantastic cards but just the one win. Everyone was bringing their best to the game, and it was definitely a hoot.

I headed back to my room and packed up so everything would be ready the next morning.

On Sunday, I woke at 8:45 sleepy but fine (one nice thing about never drinking is not worrying about con morning hangovers). I finished packing and, once again, headed to the dealer’s room for a morning purchase. I had forgotten a button I HAD to buy a friend and, luckily, there were still a few left (in various styles). Score! I’m not posting the photos of things I bought for people, BTW, because that would spoil the surprises.

Sunday Morning Schedule:

10:00am–11:00am The State of Fandom I had to ask but, yes, everyone agreed that LJ is DEAD. Someone suggested Pillowfort, which is like Tumblr only fixes all the problems Tumblr has and lets you have actual conversations. Someone else suggested Pinboard for bookmarking. We talked a lot about building our “brands” and the differences between us oldtimers and the new internet generation in terms of privacy concerns. We also talked about things like how releasing whole seasons at once erases that anticipation we once had for week-to-week shows, how there used to be a fannish code and norms that get passed down but are being challenged now culturally, and how freakin awesome Fanlore is.

11:00am–12:00pm Hamilton: Who Tells Your Story? We started off talking about race and how it puts so many marginalized groups back into the narrative of our country. Then we went into discussions about gender (how women are in the war scenes and how it’s kind of Eliza’s story, or would be if she were in it more). I loved the point one person made about how in Revolutionary War times, a person’s writing style was uniquely identifiable just the way the musical styles for each character are uniquely identifiable for us today in the musical. I was shocked that more people hadn’t read the Ron Chernow book, and I was going to recommend it for people who write Hamilton fanfic, but then the discussion moved on (it’s filled with amazing details like the fact that Hamilton & Eliza had a dog named “Old Peggy” and how Washington’s aides usually shared beds at camp). But we did talk about how the American narrative actually wasn’t as rose-colored as we thought and how the musical humanizes history. Some recommendations included the book Colony in a Nation by Chris Hayes, the Stuff You Missed in History Class podcast, and a Sleepy Hollow crossover where Alexander Hamilton comes forth into modern day and is stuck here. Also, I was given a rec that has Asexual!Dom!Washington and subby!Hamilton that is currently my favorite Hamilton fic EVER!

12:00pm–1:00pm Family Affairs: Incest in Fandom Was great to end the con with a good ol’ incest panel! We talked about our first and favorite pairings. I asked about Bates Motel because I LOVE me some Bates Motel and was told the fanfic is not good, which wasn’t too surprising. We also talked about what makes incest fic good and the different kinds (I’m in love with the term Gencest now!).

1:00pm–1:35pm Closing Ceremonies I had to leave during the closing event, because of my hotel checkout time and because I wanted to get home before it got too dark, but it was nice being there for part of it. And people waved to me as I left, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy. The con com did an amazing job putting this together and making it special and unique. I really hope the next Confab Con is somewhere close to me so I can attend it!

On my way home, I attempted to find some postcards of Pittsburgh to send to people and struck out everywhere I looked. I picked up a grilled cheese with onions and some more onion rings (did I mention I was driving home alone?) as well as a frozen slushie drink at Sheetz. My GPS wanted me to go one way that was blocked off with a detour, so I took the scenic route out of Pittsburgh and quite enjoyed the drive. Then I ended up on 40 heading to a big snarf stop I’d seen when I was driving up but couldn’t stop for because I’d been worried about Penguins game parking. I finished earreading Magnus Chase and the Sword of Summer and put on In the Year of the Boar and Jackie Robinson by Bette Bao Lord, which I also ended up finishing on the drive. So then I started Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson.

I found the historical markers (snarfs) I’d been looking for and discovered it was General Braddock’s grave. Just down the street from that was Fort Necessity. I thought about just doing a drive-by with it and coming back some other time. I even went into the park, drove around the lot, and then went back to the highway again. Then I decided to just do it and went to the fort. I was still on a Hamilton high, and what better way to end my con weekend but with a George Washington fuckup? The park ranger was sad to inform me that the reenactments were all done for the day and that there was only one showing of the film left; I didn’t really care about either. I went through the museum and headed out to the fort. Apparently the Braddock Road by my home is, actually, the very same one I’d been driving on for an hour up in Pennsylvania. I snarfed all the signs and took some nice shots of the fort, the tavern, and the monuments. Hopefully no one thought less of me in my wearing my Hamilton/Harry Potter mash-up t-shirt.

I found a few more historical markers on the drive home, stopped for gas in the little town that literally has an interstate running right through its middle just above it, and got home around 8:30. My cats were happy to see me, and Ozma kitten has already claimed my CONfabulation bag as her own.

CONfabulation 2017 was originally published on The Fangirl Project

#thefangirlproject

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iblogwithgrace · 5 years

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Quote of the day: A goal should scare you a little and excite you A LOT. - Joe Vitale

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I hope you enjoy today's post.

The Day that Changed Everything It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Externship had come to an end and we were ready to get on with it. By the dates on the calendar, we were to start our bar final exams on the 28th of August and end on the 1st of September, 2017. My study calendar had factored in those days. I was prepared to be done with everything a week before the bar exams started. Then I heard what seemed to be the worst news I had heard all year round. Our bar exams had been moved forward. Yes my dear, forward. The MCQs had been moved from the 24th of July to the 29th of July and the main exams had been moved to the 15th to the 19th of August. My chest was tight, my body was weak and my head was splitting. A few days before, when I was preparing my last study timetable, I kept having this nudge to plan as though the time was shorter since we knew that Sallah was on the 1st of September but I said no, that my head already felt like it was splitting with the amount of work that I had to do. We heard this on the 14th of July. I remember because it was Xtrim’s birthday. That evening, to calm my nerves, I went out to buy a few things to take my mind off things. I am one of those who suffer from ‘’see and buy’’ sometimes. I had been contemplating moving to an executive room. If you had between four hundred and twenty five thousand naira (N425000) to eight hundred and fifty thousand naira (N850000), you could get yourself a fairly decent room with privacy to stay in. With this news, I was sure. I didn’t want a clash of nerves. I didn’t want to look for where to study. Lagos campus is very small and as much as possible, I wanted to avoid people.

Portfolio assessment timetable also came out that day. Portfolio assessment is when you face a panel and give an account of your externship experience. The panel would open the confidential letters given to you by law firm, your attendance, your ethical dilemma and your slideshow. Don’t play with this process. People of God, it is possible not be called to the Nigerian Bar even if you pass the exam if you do not pass this assessment. It was starting on Monday. That first week, it was just portfolio assessment. But cruelty is first nature to Lagos campus so they made sure we came to thumbprint twice a day that whole week in our regulation wear. They weren’t going to leave us with all that time to study. Everyone was preparing as much as they could. Some human beings are so sold out to the work of God and to His word and true to it, they put others before themselves. One of these people is my dear friend and brother, Ikenna Okoli. People like him were busy encouraging others and helping them revise as much as they could. The week after was revision week and the Saturday after that was the day of MCQs. Incase you think we were getting ready only physically, you’re wrong. During externship, we had started praying on the roof top from 10pm till 11pm every Saturday night. The closer the date to the exam got, the larger the crowd. People were afraid. That’s what law school does. The environment was tense and people found solace in praying with other people. We had fasted and prayed from the 17th of July. We met in the chapel behind class and prayed and on the day of MCQ, I can testify that God came through for us. A whole essay for about four questions was missing in criminal litigation. Because of this, we were given extra time. Extra time for them to read out the question and ten minutes extra to enable us finish our work. I heard that in some places, they had more than ten minutes. Ten minutes in that exam is as good as sharing bars of gold. I’m sure you can imagine the way we thanked and celebrated God after the exam. Some people are bold and guess what? I am not one of them. These people actually went back to calculate their scores in the different courses. I left that life behind in university. One was down, the main hurdle remained.

Closer to the Day The days went by really fast. We continued to revise. We had the compulsory mooting session for two days. We had to dine as well. All these things activities, the week before the bar finals. I can only attribute it to God that I finished almost every topic more than once. I crammed a few cases but I still wasn’t done learning my drafts. I even solved some past questions based on the emphasis made during revision. I couldn’t read every single day, we were doing so much at the same time and my brain was reaching its full capacity sooner than I expected daily. Sometimes, I couldn’t sleep. It was probably because I was tensed so I watched cartoons to help me calm down. Sometimes, it worked, other times, I just had a headache. I could tell that my body was trying to go down but I settled it by praying and taking communion and I was rejuvenated. I had summaries of everything that I had read. That’s what I read the morning before every paper and some of the laws too.

The first paper was property law. I wasn’t afraid at all. Just the usual exam jitters but I was fine. The exam was generally good. I had said that I would win an award in property law and criminal litigation. During the exam, one question didn’t make any sense at all. It seemed like it should have been the question for a different scenario. Towards the end of the exam, my suspicions were confirmed and the question was corrected. They didn’t give us any extra time but I had a few extra minutes and I had premeditated that this was an error so thankfully, I was able to cancel and re-answer in good time. We gathered in the chapel to thank God for the success of the paper and went on to prepare for the next.

I loved criminal litigation. Sincerely, I did. Maybe it had to do with the lecturers who taught it or the fact that it was straightforward. The exam on the other hand was tricky. Question one was the length of my whole body. I spent a total of one hour two minutes on question one alone. There was 1a which was on charges. They had told us the court to draft in. The confusion was in how many counts to draft and whether to or not to add the people together. I ended up with twelve counts. Each count is repetitive so you’ll find yourself repeating the same words over and over again. I kept praying to the Holy Spirit to give me speed and help me finish all the other questions and finish them well and God came through for me. I finished and I was grateful. I was very unsure of a lot of my answers so after the exam and we were well out of the hall, I asked my friend and seat partner, Tobi Babalola what he wrote just to check if I was correct or not. I don’t think Tobi likes revising after the exam because he always said very little. Thursday morning, I had corporate law exam, that morning while I prayed and read my bible, God have me a word. With God, nothing shall be impossible- Luke 1:37. The day before, I had sown a seed in someone’s life and she prayed so much for me. Also, a friend of mine had called me to tell me that God told him to tell me to be anxious for nothing. For me, these were all good signs. My new roommate Folake and our adjoining roommate Lisa had prayed that afternoon as we stepped out. I was ready to go and then I opened my Companies and Allied Matters Act (CAMA) just to confirm the section for auditors. This I think, was the greatest mistake I made in law school. When I entered the hall and saw some questions, all I have to say was don’t mess with your revision classes. As in, at all. Then the confusion started. It was number three, an optional question. It was about auditors. As soon as I saw it, I jumped for joy since it was the last thing I had just looked at right. Number two was obviously easier but because I saw auditors I went straight into it. As soon as I started writing the answers, I became confused and started cancelling. I don’t know why I didn’t just stop in my tracks and go through all the questions in that number to be sure that they were what I could tackle. Maybe I would have realized on time and stopped and started answering number two but I didn’t. By the time I was done with the question, I was demoralized because I knew my best bet was to answer the other optional question but it was too late. Time was already gone and there was nothing I could do about it.

I prayed hard after this. I tried to exercise my faith. I wasn’t aware that a greater confusion was waiting for me in Civil litigation. To a great extent, civil litigation exam was easy. There was just this confusion about whether question four was representative action or class action. A lot of questions followed later under that number that were truly dicey. This was a compulsory question so my only option was to attempt it. I was close to the end but I was weak. The combination of corporate and civil litigation in my head made me kiss the First class goodbye even though I struggled to believe that it was still a possibility.

Professional ethics was long. We were asked literally everything. But it was the end and we were done. We prayed and prayed over our exams. There is absolutely nothing that God cannot do. I am still a strong believer of that. Then we rejoiced. Our time with each other was cut short because the NBA conference was starting that weekend and some lawyers had paid to use our hostels and not hotels. Does this make sense now? That exams were moved two weeks forward and suddenly, there was money to renovate old facilities. The hostels were even fumigated while we were in class writing one of our papers. Suddenly, everything made sense to us. It was the worst type of realization to have. The insensitivity of it all.

Results were scheduled to come out on the 7th of October. It was later moved to the 21st of October. It came out in the early hours of the 22nd. I couldn’t check so my friend Chukwuemeka checked for me. It was a 2.2 people. I was hoping that if I didn’t make the first, at least, a 2.1. I had called my friend Bond, he made a 2.2. I didn’t know what to say. I called Nosa, same thing. Nonso? The same thing. When I heard mine, I was weak. The first thing I did was to get down from my bed, kneel down and thank God. I told my parents and sent them a screen shot of the result. I couldn’t believe it oh. God? Na me be this? Chai! Law school has finished me. These were my thoughts. A few of my friends were disappointed too. Marcus for one. I was sure he would make a first but he didn’t. Ikenna was my biggest fear. He was the one helping everyone. Praying for others and leading the prayers. I was afraid that he would be mocked. That God will be mocked. People called me and I laughed about it all. I had so much to say. Everyone simply thought I had taken it well but I hadn’t. I was bleeding badly inside and putting up an appearance for everyone to see. I was glad that some of my friends had made it. Viola Echebima, Cyril-Okafor Jennifer and the baby girl herself Faith Onimiya made the first. This gave me comfort and joy. Especially Faith. Faith and I had become good friends just before the exams through Tolu Ajiboye who I met during my law firm placement and absolutely loved.

Searching for a Job

I didn’t realize the intensity of the grade I had made until I started attending job interviews and it was a question to be asked. A particular law firm that I had done so well with actually told me that it was the reason they couldn’t take me. For months I bled and laughed. My sisters Chisom and Ijeoma tried to encourage me. Ugo said it didn’t stop anything. I had heard their words but kai! Do you understand that I made a first class in my University. I am smart. It was like my worst fear (the stories they told in class) had just happened to me.

I didn’t pray anymore. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, I just didn’t have the strength to. I lived through the days. I started going through a healing process with my friend Soma. She had been dealt an even heavier blow. Finally, a day to my call to bar, I got into an argument with my mum about my attitude towards my call to bar. I told her I didn’t want any serious celebration. I kept emphasizing it. When she confronted me about my attitude, I decided to explain why to her and that’s when I burst into uncontrollable tears. Chiderah wept. Actually wept. It was nothing small at all. I knew what I had worked for and the disappointment was huge. I wept and I wept hard from the debt of my heart. My mum held me and encouraged me. Then she prayed for me in that way that only a mother can. I knew she understood. After that, I started feeling better. I went out and bought two dresses. One of which was going to be my reception dress. I started inviting people to my reception and all. I had had a flicker of hope. I still didn’t have a job but life was looking brighter and livable.

Where I am Now The truth is, getting a job was very difficult. One, because I actually wasn’t applying anywhere initially. I wasn’t interested in getting a job in a law firm. I had no particular plans. I was simply exhausted by the educational system, by life as a whole or what my life seemed to be like. When all my friends started going to job interviews and getting offers, I realized that I should actually be looking for something. I had several disappointments. I failed an LSAT test. I was told that I did well during my interview but that they couldn’t take me because of my law school result. From some firms, it was just silence. Deafening silence.

Thank God for a good family and a great support system, after what seemed like the longest time, I got a job in the best firm in the country to start my NYSC. By God’s grace, I was retained. This is my story. But I know people who never got good places or the expected results for their efforts. I’ll tell you something, you have to take life one day at a time where you are. If you don’t have a job, keep applying to different places. If you can, pursue your other interests while applying. One thing you need to understand is that your time is your greatest asset. So if you still have control of it because you don’t have a job yet, try your hands on interesting things. You may find that your other interests may become very profitable and help you discover a new path. Whatever the case is, use your time well. It is the one thing I currently desire most, to have control over my time.

I’ll leave you dear reader with this advice- you could be a law student, a lawyer, or simply a human being reading this. While my analogies will be in relation to the bar exams, I believe you can apply it to whatever area of your life. LIVE: Live your life. Let your imaginations of your life while you’re in law school outlive law school. Plan your future so much and don’t hinge it on your law school result. Invest in yourself.

Plan to pass the bar exam. While living, know that the strength of your law school result does open crucial doors for you. My friend Viola didn’t attend one job interview. The law firms were requesting for her and not her for them.

Shut out the doors and windows of fear. No matter the stories they tell, that it happened to someone does not mean that it would happen to you. Remind yourself daily about the grade you want and confess it till everything in you agrees with it.

Study: no knowledge gained is wasted. Look at it as building your knowledge base and not just reading to pass. It may become fun to you amidst the stress.

Find your strength. If discussions are your strong areas then discuss. Whatever is your strength, find it and build it.

Pray. This story does not sound like the story of God coming through for someone, so why should you pray. I may not have gotten the grade that I wanted but I’m definitely getting a life that is greater than what I desired. It hurts to wait for it all to pan out but patience is actually a virtue. Through it all, some diehard fans have stuck through with arsenal, why won’t you wait it out with God?

I hope you enjoyed reading this story. I hope you learned a lesson or two reading it. I did.

Thank you for coming back. If you would love to contribute to this series, send an email to [email protected]

Please subscribe to my YouTube channel. I'll do a giveaway when I hit 130 subscribers.

Video of the week: https://youtu.be/vABYvE83y3w

See you soon. Lily of Nigeria.

#IFTTT #Blogger

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sleepymarmot · 6 years

Text

Twilight Mirage liveblog 3/5 (episodes 28-54)

28-35

I'm very excited for a series of solo episodes!

Don't know how I feel about the new Grand Magnificent tbh… This concept feels more conventional than the original one, and I'm worried the aspects of his character I found interesting won't be in focus anymore.

I had my problems with the previous system and how it flattened down emotions into inaccurate categories, but so far I'm not excited about the switch… Blades in the Dark's mechanics were kinda hard for me to follow by ear, and being unable to keep track of the gameplay by myself is unpleasant; and the new classes sound really dull compared to the ones in The Veil.

Iota's speech is strange… It sounds more like a simple copy-paste of real-life colonialism than the invasion described previously in the story. “They will ask you to give them a name like ours, they will ask to touch your bone” etc sounds nothing like Independence and its followers' modus operandi was, and, judging by the future tense, hasn't actually happened with the present time settlers yet – so where did that come from, in-universe? In fact, shouldn't her people have a relatively positive outlook on non-hostile outsiders, since they brought on the planet's golden age? Hopefully the following episodes will elaborate on this, because I've made peace with needing lore or plot points explained to me several times, but I need more clarity on big ideological question like this.

Gig is such a Chaotic Good!!

Buying sex is legal, normal & common in the utopia and Signet is a regular customer?! Fucking seriously?! I couldn't even focus on the episode for the next half hour and eventually turned it off because my thoughts kept returning to this and I kept seething with anger. Way to ruin the episode after I was so moved and intrigued by the intro…

They've been pretty careful with past spoilers this season, here's I think the first example: talking at length about the Hitchcocks, plural. Sure, it was only an episode three spoiler, but it was such a good reveal!

So, who actually printed out the ancient Quire people? Was it a political move from one of the sides?

No Austin you definitely have not mentioned Earth building a giant Dyson spehere around themselves!!! What the fuck :D

Everyone got a nice inconsequential vignette and Fourteen's scene had actual high stakes…

I really, really don't get what Seneschal looks like

After half a season of two separate parties and seven solo episodes it's so nice to hear everyone together!

Signet's look is absolutely not the kind of thing I imagined her wearing…

Please tell me someone has made an animatic about Even's hair tendril high-fiving Gig's eye

36-45

It's always cute when the first words after the intro are in that specific tone of voice that makes it obvious that at least 5-10 minutes before were spent in a lively conversation about some nonsense that finally was put to an end no more than two seconds ago (and then they talk about nonsense for ten more minutes lol)

I love this show's dedication to describing everyone's outfits in extreme detail at every opportunity

50k+ years later it's Art and Jack's turn to be the half of the party who walks right through the door and charm their way in lol. I hope they don't get shot or buy a bunch of torch units or something

I really like “finding a way to help a teenage community fit in the world” and “reconnecting a family and acquiring infrastructure for travel between planets” as the first projects; it really does convince you that these people have set out to make the world a better place (even if a lot of the time is actually spent pulling heists or fighting mechanical tigers).

Okay, the scavenger faction leader is literally a vulture, I get it.

What I don't get is why we are supposed to dislike that faction. There was some general “eh, they suck” said OOC during setup but we haven't actually seen them do anything bad! Show, don't tell! They need to, like, raid Big Garage and try to steal Gumption's arm if you want me to see them as an enemy.

Remember that nonsense I wrote about T. Rex in my C/w notes post? I can't believe they're doing basically the same joke on the actual show!

But how about… not capture or kill… but befriend the Axiom and/or release it into the wild… I know, I know, they can't travel far enough to move it to a safe distance from humans. But it just offends me on principle that after all that talk of diversity etc, when the characters actually meet a truly alien, unique species, they only consider the options of killing or capturing and exploiting them, and nobody even tries to ask “hey, shouldn't these creatures have rights, even if we are forced to disregard them in self-defence for the moment?” You know who I need to appear on screen ASAP? Bounty. Ask it everything! Does it remember being an Axiom? What did it feel like? What does it think about its transformation and new role?

I thought Grand's special gun was just Even's gun?

Did Janine just call Belgard Signet's “robot wife”? Hell yeah

Me for an hour straight, not having read the description: Blease Do Not Kill My Alien Child I guess that's at least postponed now though… The situation did immediately get mildly creepy again, which makes me concerned. Is this just a different reason to kill a different Axiom – to Free Innocents from a Lotus Eater Machine? I'm getting serious September flashbacks. Honestly, between this, the other team's arc which felt like a crossover about the Chime in Marielda, and everyone getting a personal mech, this half of the season is starting to feel like Counter/weight 2, which is sad because at the beginning the atmosphere was much more original. Also I miss Primary and Satellite's correspondence, it was such a good framing device and a touching relationship at the same time!

Polyphony's powers and way of thinking are more similar to Quire than anything else

I feel very relieved and vindicated by the direction this story took!

Hell yeah finally more about the Waking Cadent!! I've been waiting for that for how many episodes now? Now that we've seen her in person I hate her actually Amend that, I hate both Cadents. A plague on both their houses!

46-54

Good on you Even, what's even the point of a military background if you don't pull rank on some jerks

Am I glad to hear from the Rapid Evening again! Bold of Austin to assume we could forget who Primary and Satellite were Okay, I first had this question a ton of episodes ago, but now it is relevant again: does Grey know the contents of the previous Satellite's final message? She knows about its existence because the numbers match up (yeah I went back and checked), but does she know that Crystal Palace either made a colossal miscalculation about Independence's route or lied on purpose for some reason?

Wait, characters still have beliefs? I don't remember this coming up since the game change

I completely forgot about Tender's cyborg legs and also misheard “I have a fake leg” as “thick leg” and was like “Uh good for you but how's that gonna help?!”

Once again, Team Exploration goes ahead and leaves Team Heist without resources lol. What do you mean they're using our ship for an orbital drop? What do you mean they've taken all axiom scanners? :D Seriously though, it's a shame that the sessions were played in this order because in-universe I see no reason why they wouldn't say “Hey before you go after Acre Seven, let's fly over Terncage and do a scan real quick” (the range on the scanners is far enough for that, right?)

I don't get how Ache works. For Quire, it made what it wishes it could be, but for everyone else it just made evil clones vaguely themed after their regrets?

TENDER IS A GAY DISASTER I haven't heard such a spectacular meltdown since Calhoun probably, holy shit

TENDER IS A DISASTER SQUARED she starts talking to a woman and just doesn't stop! This is a great episode

I like how Gig immediately says no to the devil's bargain

Oh Signet disregarding the digital Blooming, you clearly haven't seen/read (the future version of) Solaris :D

Oh no, it's the Smiling God! Came to visit another podcast that used to have a personification of capitalism as a big boss evil god

A crit at the last possible moment, after a long string of 1s… Ali's dice see through the fourth wall!

I… didn't fully understand the reveal of how it was all connected

Okay, so the Dark Day could have been prevented by keeping the gun dealer priest alive and allowing him to arm the NEH so that it could take over Twilight Mirage and wouldn't need to activate plan B i.e. come here and block signal from the Crystal Palace? Correct? It makes sense now, but Our Profit seems to be from such a far future that I just can't imagine how this plan was created and put in place

O….k… I actually expected Grand to leave the team and go off on his own (or become an NPC) as a consequence of the holiday special if he was the sacrificed character instead of the Chthonic. But now that's kind of strange to hear after all that talk of redemption and second chances?

You get a status! And you get a status! Everyone gets a status!

Wow having a near death experience out of the blue is so relaxing for Fourteen! :D NEVER MIND HOLY CRAP I'm glad that at least Fourteen kept their signature move from The Veil. I was wondering what it would be like, and honestly expected it to be just thrown out

Excuse me, “Omega in Mass Effect 2” and “cool place run by trustworthy people” are literally opposite concepts, have we even played the same game

Grand: Who likes Fourteen Fifteen? Tender, not even letting him finish: ME!!!

Welp, my first guess about the Waking Cadent's identity was correct

Holy crap! I never realized Independence was in that one flashback episode of Counter/weight

#friends at the table #blah blah blah

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