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chacusha · 2 years

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Dreamwidth pitch

Sometimes I wish more people would talk to me on Dreamwidth but then I don't really talk about Dreamwidth and why it's good or how it works, so maybe it would be good for me to do that??

So I guess some of the basic selling points about Dreamwidth:

Signing up is free and quick. (Also, I believe you can have any number of accounts associated with the same email address.) It has a similar vibe to Tumblr -- a geeky/fannish space.

It is a journaling website based on LiveJournal. By this I mean that it's almost like having a diary where you can choose to make some parts of that diary public or semi-public (at which point it becomes a blog). Counter to the direction of a lot of social media sites which increasingly focus on metrics, engagement (in a numeric form of views/likes/notes/retweets/etc.), and wide availability and easy (or automatic) sharing of content so as to maximize those metrics, Dreamwidth goes in the opposite direction with a focus on privacy. Each post you make has three possible privacy settings: public (viewable by anyone visiting the site), friends (viewable only to people who you have intentionally granted access to your friends-only posts -- you can also freely define custom friend groups to select subsets of friends, although I don't usually use this level of compartmentalization), and private (viewable only by you). It's very easy to check which privacy setting you've used for a post and to change them after the fact. Because posts on Dreamwidth cannot be shared or reblogged, when you revoke access to your post, it is immediate and total because you control the only copy of the post. Usual internet exceptions apply: People may screenshot your post; the internet archive may manually or automatically take a snapshot of older content; or a person might still have "friends" access and then leak the details of a post outside of "friendslock", which would make semi-private material accessible to the public again even though you've tried to lock it down. But for the most part, you much less run into the issue where something you wrote when you were 16 is still public knowledge and can't be scrubbed from the internet. And because privacy settings are such a big feature of the site, there are strong social norms against violating someone's privacy by sharing details they've posted semi-privately outside of that space. I really like this aspect of Dreamwidth because being able to write up my thoughts on very personal things I'm thinking about or going through and have some close internet friends who I trust share their thoughts in response has been so helpful to me throughout my life. There are a lot of mental health benefits to keeping a diary and even more so when you can get semi-anonymous advice from people you know and trust on the internet. I cannot tell you how invaluable it has been to panic or vent about some situation I'm encountering for the first time and have an older and wiser friend give me some advice on how to approach it. I've really grown as a person through first LiveJournal and now Dreamwidth as its replacement because of the semi-anonymous (pseudonymous) AND semi-private way you interact with the site and other users, and I don't know any other social media website that can do this, except I suppose through DMs, but that always feels like having a side conversation whereas doing it on a journaling site makes it the main conversation, where it's easier to organize/search/sort through.

Dreamwidth was forked from LiveJournal many years ago by a small group of people who are very thoughtful and intentional about site design and purpose. You can see in the way DW and LJ have diverged since what the value is in having site runners who have a philosophy about approaching websites that's more than just "make money/break even." Dreamwidth is very "shoestring budget" in its feel -- it has fewer features, development is slow and (I'm guessing) largely done by the site founders or volunteers, and bugs are slow to fix. But on the flipside, the site is simple and loads quickly, the default look of the site is very clean and easy to read, and in addition, the site allows you to fully customize the default style in which content is displayed to you, something that other social media sites will never do (aside from a "dark mode", I suppose) because being able to establish and fully control the site look is key for a company's/website's branding. However, Dreamwidth goes another direction, because accessibility and accessibility features have been a value of the site owners from the founding, and they take that seriously. Dreamwidth is also very intentional about its content policy and takes pains to maximize free expression while still maintaining a safe environment conducive for dialogue and debate for its users. Finally, there are no advertisements on the site anywhere at all. Zero. How does the site support itself, then, you ask? It's based on a paid subscription model where a core of passionate users are willing to pay some money each year so that the site is able to support the amount of users/traffic it gets. This funding model means that the site remains the product being sold rather than the users (and their data/eyeballs). This is a good alignment to have because you want the site to be incentivized to be useful and valuable to users rather than to harvest as much as it can from its users so as to be useful and valuable to advertisers. Dreamwidth takes security seriously and keeps its users informed about potential security breaches (e.g. one where LJ's passwords were compromised, which led to DW accounts using the same password being similarly compromised). A comparison of what Dreamwidth and LiveJournal are like now is illustrative -- I find LiveJournal almost unusable because of the ads, loading times, and just general janky interface; LJ has also been subject to multiple purges and controversial content policy changes over the years. Being on Dreamwidth is almost calming and relaxing by contrast, even though it is clearly missing some obvious and sometimes very useful features like post-/comment-liking, video uploading, post scheduling, etc.

How tagging works on Dreamwidth: This is probably the biggest difference in how Tumblr/AO3 and Dreamwidth work. On Tumblr and AO3, tags are universal across the whole site. When you tag a post with something, then it will appear in global searches for anyone browsing that tag. Heck, on Tumblr, it might pop up unsolicited on someone's dash if they follow that tag. Tags are the main way people find and are recommended content from people they're not already following. On Dreamwidth, though, tags only apply to your blog. There is no universal tag search. I mean, you can search Dreamwidth for content you're interested in; you can also search users based on what tags they've listed in their "Interests." In my experience, though, this tends to not really turn up much useful stuff; you'll likely get a lot of weird/niche content probably not meant to be viewed by a wider audience, as well as users and communities who haven't updated their journal in, like, five years. Not very useful. (In general, content production and content discovery are extremely anemic on DW, a downside I discuss more fully below.) However, what this means is that tags are 100% geared toward the function of helping you organize your own blog. You have full control over your tagging scheme. Much more than any social media website I can think of (Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and Instagram for sure), Dreamwidth facilitates having a complete record of every post you've written and helps you easily find specific content again even if you wrote it years in the past. This is why I say the site is very good for journaling. It's easy to double-check things like: "In order for people to understand this part, they need to read that post where I talked about that grocery store incident. Where is that post?" "How long have I been having this issue at work? Oh wow, my first post on this was eight months ago." "Where are all the posts I've made with my TV show reviews?" (Tip: The default setting on Dreamwidth is to display only a selection of the most frequently used tags in alphabetical order on your main journal page; I would recommend overriding this immediately to set it to show all tags because your tags are going to be a SUPER useful navigation tool for sorting through your own posts.)

Features that support having actual conversations with your friends rather than shouting one-sidedly into the void and maybe getting a supportive like in response IDK: Fully-threaded comments (and also, no "like" button). *old lady voice* Kids these days don't appreciate the value of a fully-functional comment threading system! Okay, so Dreamwidth allows you to start new comments in response to a post and reply freely to other comments, creating a kind of hierarchical tree structure. All the discussion associated with a post is viewable on a single page, and this means you can have a pretty detailed back-and-forth with the author of a post without coming off as hostile or without awkwardly spamming your followers with one half of the conversation, which is how conversations work on Tumblr. The comment character limit is 16k characters (~2500 words) so you can reply fully to a post rather than needing to condense the essence of your reply into a brief comment. You can talk not only to your friends but also to your friends' friends who are contributing to the discussion too. Separation of public and private spaces: I won't go into this too much but Dreamwidth has "personal blogs" (private spaces) and "communities" (public spaces moderated by the leader of the community) that work very differently (have completely different mechanics underlying them). Unlike Tumblr and Twitter, this means there is a clear separation between public and private spaces, behavior norms in each, and who you're accountable to when interacting in each space, which does a lot to ease social interactions and make them less fraught and contentious. And unlike sites like Reddit, you actually GET a private space without having to interact entirely in communities/special interest forums. These sets of features means that you can have a very deep, easy-to-follow conversation in a semi-public forum on a wide variety of topics while keeping the conversation all in one place and allowing interested people to follow the conversation. It's just a set of features that prioritizes responding to content with high-quality conversation rather than the mere sharing of content without comment.

If you're interested in joining Dreamwidth, here is a word of warning and then advice:

The warning is that, unlike Tumblr, it is very hard to make friends on DW. On Tumblr, you can make friends by browsing tags and journals of people who post things relevant to your interests or who interact on the posts YOU'RE making and sharing; you can follow someone whose content you enjoy and want to continue seeing and maybe they follow you back and start interacting with your posts! Cool. Easy. DW makes this process problematic in many ways: (1) as mentioned earlier, content discovery is difficult, (2) in some cases, most or all of people's content may be friendslocked which means you cannot preview it before you decide to approach someone suggesting to be friends, (3) assuming you do find a stranger whose (public) content is interesting, you can "subscribe" to them (the equivalent of following on Tumblr; their content now regularly shows up on your dash ("friends page")) and/or "friend" them (this will give them access to YOUR friendslocked posts); the person you subscribe to or friend will get a notification of this action, but this doesn't actually mean you are or will be "friends." You see, in order to be friends, someone needs to subscribe and friend you back. For the first thing, that means being interested in your content (usually not an issue; even if you don't have any content, people are willing to take a chance on you and subscribe back). But the second thing is more important -- by friending you back, that will grant access to all the friendslocked entries. Just because some stranger on the internet is interested in what you post and is like "Friends?" and give you access to their friendslocked entries doesn't mean you actually trust that person enough to give them full access to your years and years of friendslocked writing, you know what I mean? So making a random friend request might just result in being completely ignored. Instead, you often need to give someone the context for why you are interested in being friends, introduce yourself, and ask for their permission to friend before hitting that button.

Okay, so what this means is that it is very hard to find potential friends on DW and trying to friend people can be way more work than creating a new account and clicking some buttons on people's profiles. So how do people make friends on DW?! In order to get around this, people have come up with several things:

Friending memes: These are activities that happen every so often where someone gives people a form to fill out (where you talk about various interests and type of things you post about on your blog, potential dealbreakers in your content, etc.) and people browse through other people's comments and when they find someone who looks interesting, they can reply and be like "Hey! You seem like an interesting person. I also post about camping and photography. Want to be friends?" It's like, uh, speed dating but for online friends? This is much better than a cold approach as described above. In particular, every January on Dreamwidth, a group of people runs an activity called the Snowflake Challenge, where they have various fannish activities and challenges and you can choose to participate in whichever ones you like. A lot of them act as kind of icebreaker questions, and you can strike up conversations with other people by browsing things they've posted, and at some point in the activity, there's always a friending meme. Usually reccing active communities and helpful resources on DW is also part of the Snowflake Challenge (which is SUPER useful because being on DW can be like walking through a graveyard sometimes), so it's great for people who are new.

Stickied friending posts at the top of journals. These posts will often explain what kind of journal the person keeps, what content they post, how much of their journal is friendslocked, requirements for friending, etc. Comment there to introduce yourself, explain why you are interested in friending this person, ask to be friended back, etc.

Participate in public-space "communities" first and use that to find friends. Okay, okay, a bit difficult because there are a lot of communities on DW that are *tumbleweed blowing in the wind* -- dead. Abandoned. So quiet and unresponsive that it's almost worse than being fully dead because there are people there who will sometimes give you a bite but it's just not enough to feel worth the time and now you're all embarrassed for yourselves and each other. Here are some recs of active communities: dw_community_promo (for finding (newly) active communities, not necessarily fannish in nature); fandom_on_dw (any kind of fannish activities/communities); fandomcalendar (fannish events); thefridayfive (a currently active community that posts a collection of five questions each Friday; great for icebreakers and you can browse other people's answers); addme_fandom (if a friending meme were a community instead; this comm also has a lot of resources for new joiners of DW in its sticky post). Active but maybe a bit drama-llama-y (you may or may not enjoy these): fandomsecrets (an EXTREMELY long-running community run by maybe the most tireless/superhuman mod I know of; you can anonymously submit images containing a fandom-related secret you have, and they get posted in random order over the following week and people discuss in the comments -- it's a great multifandom space, especially if you want to vent about some fandom drama you're going through or an unpopular opinion you have, but can be intimidating to interact there non-anonymously due to the nature/contentiousness of the secrets/discussions sometimes; also, sometimes people are mean :(); fail_fandomanon (a fandom gossip comm, essentially, but also a good multifandom discussion place; very difficult to find friends, though, due to the anonymous posting requirement but it's very active and gives you plenty of reading material if you largely like to use social media to read interesting stuff you didn't know about before. Also, its "Ask meme" threads and its personal posts are great for getting anonymous help and advice -- like you know those newspaper advice columns or r/AITA or r/relationships? That kind of thing. You can be very detailed about an issue you're having in your personal life and people will give you advice. Even more so than fandomsecrets, "lightly bitchy and petty" is kind of the vibe of this place, and anonymous trolling is commonplace (one rule of the comm is "don't be THAT much of an asshole" which kind of gives you an idea of what baseline level of politeness we're talking about here). It's got a complicated set of norms that have developed over time (see, for example, the elaborate comment titles and the sheer number of acronyms flying around), which can make the learning curve for delurking pretty steep.

Weirdly, the type of communities in which I have made the longest-lasting LJ/DW friends have been "landcomms," a special kind of competitive fannish activity community. I think they were based on the House Cup of Harry Potter. At least, it's easiest to explain it that way: there are multiple "games"/"rounds" (each lasting 3 months, say) where all the participants are sorted into teams, and they earn points for their team by participating in various challenges and activities set up by the mods. I no longer have time to really be active in any of these but WOW they really help you make friends who you know pretty deeply because you're interacting and strategizing with your fellow teammates, and over time you get to know the regulars quite well. These communities often lock all their content and activities to members only, which means that it's a good sandbox to experiment with fannish creation because the audience is fairly small and a priori quite supportive. You can experiment and put your work out there in a way that isn't like "now everyone on the internet has access to this and can judge it." Anyway, I'm too old to participate in these, but apparently lands_of_magic is an active multifandom landcomm and might be worth checking out.

Some other random features of Dreamwidth that I like, and also the major weaknesses of Dreamwidth as a site:

Strength: You get multiple icons/userpics. It's kind of weird to me that social media sites have done away with the ability for users to have multiple userpics (I suppose it does make it easier to identify who is saying what!), but in any case, this is a weirdly unique feature that LJ/DW have -- you can upload multiple 100x100 little images and choose which one to accompany each post and comment you make (or just use your default icon). Icons on DW, to me, are like custom emoji on Discord. They are ways to be expressive through images without the need for words, they can be quite personal, you get some slots for free, but because a lot of people get REALLY into them, users are literally willing to pay money for more slots that they can use. Anyway, you get 15 icon slots by default, and there are a lot of users and communities dedicated to making icons that people can use. It's fun!

Strength: Dreamwidth has a very powerful and simple HTML editor. Weakness: I have never used Dreamwidth's rich text editor, and everything I hear from people who have used it suggests it is an unusuable eldritch horror. Cannot verify that experience, but even without using it, I am pretty confident that DW's "WYSIWYG" editing ("what you see is what you get" -- that is, however you format a post while drafting it, that's what it will look like to other people when posting) is extremely far behind other social media sites. If I were to post and format this post on Dreamwidth (and I will), I would be able to do a lot more with controlling how the bulletpoints look and are nested, and I could do things like create sections in the post that make it easy to navigate to specific sections, and I could do things like add tables and collapsible sections because I think Dreamwidth allows almost any HTML5 tag (more so than e.g. what AO3 allows). On the negative side, however, it is much harder to do things like arrange images in a photoset on Dreamwidth. In short, you WILL need some kind of HTML knowledge to do anything fancier than paragraphs of text (images, embeds, polls, bulleted lists, etc.). However, if text is all you're doing, it's a really nice editor. And for power users, HTML is a good skill to have and unlocks a lot of possibilities with your posts, and DW is one of the best interfaces for doing pared-down, simplified HTML editing I've ever used.

Strength: Some more on accessibility: So remember how I said that DW lets you control the way the site is displayed to you? This means you can heavily customize how your reading page and blog looks, what links and sidebar widgets are available and where they're placed on the page, etc. But you know, that kind of freedom can be dangerous. As you might know well from Tumblr, what about people with custom blog styles that are a horrendous viewing experience -- autoplay music, flashing gifs, low text-background contrast, color scheme that makes your eyes burn, etc.? Well, DW has thought about that. Whenever you get a link to a DW post or someone's DW blog and you don't like the style, you can just append ?style=site OR ?style=mine OR ?style=light to the URL and voila -- it's readable again. ?style=site will display the page in DW's standard style which is a light grey + red/pink highlights style that is designed to be easy on the eyes. ?style=mine will display the page in YOUR custom style, so if you've made tweaks to the site style to optimize your reading experience, you can now apply it everywhere you like. Finally, ?style=light displays the page with minimal styling so that it can be loaded quickly in situations where your connection is bad. All of these things allow you to have an optimal reading experience.

Strength: Polls. If you have a paid account, Dreamwidth lets you make polls. This is probably the number one reason why I have a paid DW account, to be honest, because polls are really useful for running communities and getting feedback. Like, when I mod communities and I want to get the opinion of members, I can post a poll, and my paid account lets me do this in any community as well as on my personal journal. I used to run a lot of fanwork contest type communities, and you can conduct voting pretty easily that gives each user one vote, which is hard to ensure through third-party voting mechanisms. The downside here is that the opposite is not possible -- you can't run a poll that is open to the general public. I believe all poll participants need to have a DW account in order to participate.

Weakness: Dreamwidth's image-posting capabilities are still quite weak. It is only relatively recently that Dreamwidth allowed you to upload images to the site at all. A free account gives you only 500 MB, which is enough if you want to post a graphic or a photo here and there but not a lot if you're posting e.g. your full set of vacation photos or gifsets or reams of screencaps or whatnot. The upload interface leaves much to be desired. It is very difficult to add images to posts -- you either need to use the rich text editor (which comes with its own set of challenges) or you need to be pretty comfortable with HTML and understanding what <img src=""> means. DW does provide some copy and pasteable HTML code to put your image into the HTML post editor, but yeah, putting an image in a post is not the click-and-drag experience that it is on most modern social media sites. When I want to add some images to a post, the process is like this: Open a new tab and go to the DW homepage. Click Create > Upload Images. Upload files. Make sure the privacy settings of the images match my post. Get each image embed code and go back to my other tab where I'm editing my post and paste it in. Repeat for all images. Yay. It is certainly not a simple experience.

Weakness: There is no reblog function. This can have some benefits: as mentioned, you own the only copy of your post -- if other people want to share it, they have to give people the URL to it. However, let me be very frank about the downsides: it means that Dreamwidth is not a low-effort content-sharing website like most social media sites are nowadays, which has two major ramifications: First, you cannot create an interesting blog simply by following interesting blogs and curating an interesting feed. I mean, I suppose you can kind of do this by collecting interesting links and posting them as a DW post every so often, but that's still very different from how modern social media works where you just directly share the interesting content and that IS your blog. What this means is that in order to have an interesting blog, YOU have to consciously craft/draft your own interesting content from time to time; you cannot just rely on encountering interesting content from other people. What THIS means is that your DW blog is inevitably going to be quite personal. This can be pretty intimidating for someone who is starting out. I remember my first LiveJournal post (which even 18 years later took me about 10 seconds to pull up on my laptop -- the archival functions of DW are AMAZING) was essentially me saying "Hm… well I got this LJ but I don't know what kind of things to use this thing for or how long I'm going to keep it…" Anyway, it's always very awkward starting up a DW blog because you can't just find some content you find really cool and just share it and people get to know you and your tastes and your interests that way. Nah, you're kind of thrown into the oversharing deep end here. You're going to have to personally write something if you want people to have something to read. Second, keeping a DW blog can be a non-trivial amount of effort. Like I mentioned, you can certainly use your blog to curate content, but it requires some amount of work and effort to do even that. You can't just scroll and click and bam, you've added some content to your blog.

Weakness: Dreamwidth is very lo-fi and text-based. I mentioned the difficulties of uploading images; I mentioned the lack of a share button. What Dreamwidth is geared toward is plain text posts. I recognize this is very not ideal -- where are the visual aids? The images to break up all the dry walls of text? The whole experience of being on Dreamwidth is doing a lot of reading. And a lot of writing. A LOT. Sometimes people just don't have time for that. I get it. I mean, you can choose how often and how much to write and how much of your reading page you want to read, but regardless of how frequently and for how long you choose to engage with the site, it is never going to be an easy scrolling, filling-a-three-minute-lull-in-the-middle-of-the-work-day sort of experience, IMO. The content can be very interesting but it's got a high barrier to entry.

Weakness: Content discovery is very difficult. I discussed this earlier. But Dreamwidth really doesn't do much to shove content in your face. It doesn't have recommendation algorithms. This can be good because it helps you curate your feed to content you enjoy and people you trust, so you rarely have to block people because they are irritating you. You can just not follow them or easily scroll by their posts (DW is very text-based and high barrier to entry, right, so it takes a lot of conscious effort to consume content; it's not the type of site where you can run across the worst opinion you've ever read in your life and by the time you realize what it is, you've consumed the whole post). Spammers also aren't really a thing. But it means that you really do need to build up an interesting set of people/communities to follow or there's nothing for you to read or DO on the site. It also means that people will not just stumble across YOUR posts unless you put forward effort to promote them somewhere (e.g. in an active relevant community, which, you know, may not exist). You're never going to get that dopamine hit of people liking and reblogging your stuff instantly after you post it. And even when you want to share something widely, it can be tricky trying to figure out whether that's possible at all. Strength: On the plus side, I suppose it really is like having a private little sandbox. Like you're over here going "vroom vroom" with your toy cars or whatever, and it's extremely unlikely you'll get some rando barging into your replies talking about how your car-playing is all WRONG and here's what you should do instead.

Weakness: Dreamwidth is "dead." I mean, you can still find plenty of people who are active on DW. I have a great, very active set of friends whose posts I enjoy reading (and they all post different sorts of things; I have enough friends that I can't actually read all the content I'm interested in, but I do try) and who regularly respond to my posts. I'm very happy there. Personal blogs are doing fine. But personal blogs are only one half of Dreamwidth -- the other half are communities (public spaces) and those are not doing so well in my experience. You have a couple of active islands I mentioned above, and if your fandoms are sufficiently big, you can probably find an active discussion comm for them. But if your fandoms are small or even if you're in a big fandom that just doesn't seem to have found a dedicated mod and a critical mass of active users interested in public discussions, then you're shit out of luck when it comes to public discussion venues on DW. Depending on your needs/interests, this might be fine, or it might be a dealbreaker. For me personally, as someone who was on LJ in its heyday, the lack of communities is a bit demoralizing. It's certainly quieter and it has this feel of there being a few towers of refuge in a barren landscape that people are flocking around. And like I said, communities help you make friends. And it's just a different way of interacting with people, which I value in a social media site, and I can't really meet that need on DW with the current size of its userbase.

Weakness: There is no ask system. There are DMs; sometimes people play askbox meme-style games in the comment of posts (someone posts a list of questions, people comment to select the ones they want the OP to answer, OP replies in the comment thread with their answers); and I suppose you could create a stickied post with anonymous comments enabled to act as your askbox, but there's really no equivalent to the big set of functionality that is the askbox system on Tumblr. There's no way to privately ask someone a question, and that question can then easily be published or replied to privately at the discretion of the blog owner. If you'd like to poke someone to check in with them, the only way to do that is with a DM or a comment posted on a random blog entry; there's not really an easy way to ask a question or propose some content to someone's blog with asks the way there is on Tumblr.

Anyway, I think I've covered the main things about using Dreamwidth. I always want more people to come talk to me on Dreamwidth because I feel like that site is the only place that facilitates people getting to know me both on a purely fannish level and on a very personal level (I know people can make the personal + fannish sharing combo work on Twitter and Tumblr, but having everything be out in public just really does not work for me). But I realize it's hard to just start using a site you're unfamiliar with, especially one like Dreamwidth that tends to have a bit of a learning curve and is generally out of step with the direction of modern social media. And especially when you don't have many friends there already, which is probably the case for most people. But it's a site I respect and trust a lot, and I think it facilitates deep, long-lasting friendships. More than anything, I think the main difference between DW and Tumblr is that Tumblr is mainly a site for sharing content with other people and reacting to it, while DW is more geared toward helping you organize your life and your thoughts. They have a lot of overlap in terms of the kind of personal and fannish musings and experiences that can be shared, though. Anyway, if you're interested in joining Dreamwidth but it's intimidating/confusing, please reach out! I have lots more recs for active communities depending on your interests, too!

(Probably the best way to do that is on the Dreamwidth version of this post.)

#anyway posts like this are why I'm not a good fit for Tumblr lol #social media #dreamwidth #complaining about tumblr on tumblr

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vicsdeangelis · 2 years

Text

i think i made a decision

this is probably gonna be long and boring to literally everyone, so if you only want to know if i'm gonna delete or not, i'm gonna save you some time: no, i won't

now, to the long post

first, i wanna talk about my mental health, which i have been very openly struggling with for some time now. the thing is, i was on a medication that was actually making my depression worse, and that medication was also causing me the allergies that were making me feel so bad about myself. i'm off of them now, have been for a week, maybe, and i already feel like i'm doing better. therapy is also helping. i really like my therapist, and the sessions don't feel suffocating, like someone only waiting for me to word vomit all of my issues. we actually have conversations, it's not a one sided thing, and she's been helping me make some progress with my home life, which is the biggest external problem i'm having at the moment

now, to måneskin. so, the other day i listened to a podcast (you're wrong about, the "yoko ono broke up the beatles" episode, if you're interested), and it made me reexamine my relationship to the band. truth is, they're changing, and i don't like it. i really don't like it. from the music itself, to acting like they're instagram influencers instead of an actual band with actual talent, i just don't like it. and honestly, that's fine. the thing i have to come to terms with, and i'm really trying to for my own sake more than anything else, is that those are not my decisions to make. and that's also fine. i have to be okay with it, because the alternative only hurts me. i think i've been spiralling since they stayed in LA for those few months because i was too emotionally invested in them. like, i was borderline emotionally dependent on them, and that's so fucking unhealthy and also so unfair to everyone involved. they didn't sign up to cater to me, and it's really unfair of me to, i don't know, expect them to, expect them to keep me afloat when i'm the one who should be responsible for myself and my mental health, not them. i fully realize that now, and i'm working on it. i'm not saying i'm never gonna criticize them or voice my opinions on new songs, but i do need to chill with the emotional side of it.

and finally, the blog. like i said at the very beginning, i'm not gonna delete. but i don't think i'm gonna be as active here as i used to be, at least for now. i decided to keep it mainly for archival purposes, so my gifs and the things i did write won't just disappear. i want to keep them, so i'm keeping the blog. i will keep my inbox closed for a little longer, because i want to avoid a repeat of what happened. i don't want asks to end up piling up even more because i don't know how to answer them, because i'm feeling too down to match the enthusiasm, or because i'm not in the headspace to write. i don't know if what i did to my dms and replies even worked, to be honest, because i don't know what tumblr counts as "people you follow" when you do it on a sideblog, but in case it did make a difference, i'm just letting you all know i'm reopening them.

and speaking of writing, i'm coming back around to it, since i'm all around feeling better. i even managed to write a little yesterday, which is actually huge for me. i'm trying, i really am. and i want to answer most, if not all, asks i already have with the attention they deserve. i'm really sorry for making anyone feel bad, feel uncertain, or anything similar. that was never my intention, but i know intent doesn't equal impact, and i apologize.

for now, that's it. i'll keep reblogging, keep posting, keep thirsting, try to write in the background, try to do better for myself regarding the band's new direction.

what you can learn from all this mess is: always ask your psychiatrist why they're prescribing you a certain medication and what it is for. i didn't, and i paid the price for it for months. be smarter than i was.

#content: talk of mental health (tho mostly positive i think)#self reflection regarding the band and what they meant to me #update on the blog i guess?#life lesson at the end like please don't be a dumb bitch like me

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mlpfashionarchive · 1 year

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My Little Pony: Fashion Archive

Hello, and welcome to my fun little side project!

I love to design mlp ocs and especially the process of designing clothes for them. Fashion is an interest of mine, and designing for characters with unusual shapes (such as ponies) poses an unique challenge!

When I'm drawing, I often look up examples of clothing from the show, but it can be really hard to find comprehensive resources outside of just blindly googling. If only there was a nice archive... oh hey I should just make that myself oh hey that's this blog

On this blog I'll be striving to obsessively archive as many examples as I can find of mlp fashion, from accessories to full outfits, as a design/drawing resource but also just for the fun of it and to appreciate a show that I love so dearly. Some of these outfits we only get to see for one episode, maybe even for only a few frames, so consider this a love letter to the work that the art team put in.

Most of my posts will be focused on G4 content from the show, toys, merch, and supplementary media - and most of it will be focused on ponies specifically. I will also include other mlp species from time to time though, and I want to share non-official stuff in the mix too since there's so much amazing fan content that I think deserves the spotlight and adds to the purpose of this blog - to reference, inspire, and appreciate mlp fashion.

What I won't be posting or sharing is works related to equestria girls, human gijinkas, human dolls, cosplay, or real world fashion branded or inspired by mlp. Those things are very cool and interesting to me, and I might make a separate blog for that at some point, but this blog is about fashion made for critters.

Also, I feel it's important to say that I am an adult fan, and there's a chance I may post or reblog works that include undergarments, lingerie, or otherwise suggestive outfits - because these things are also fashionable. I won't be posting anything outright NSFW or creepypasta though, so keep that in mind!

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nastyatticman · 3 years

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If Slashers had horny Tumblrs...

What it says on the tin! HC post for if Jason, Bubba, Brahms, & Billy (Lenz) had their own tumblrs for horny content. (18+ only)

If you like these, feel free to send a request for other characters if you want :D

Contains : adult content, discussions of kink & brief mention of sexual harassment

Jason Voorhees

Very barebones bio that gives some basic info - his age, his gender/pronouns, and a warning this blog contains adult content.

Doesn’t get updated often, and it’s usually all at night. Mostly consists of content he reblogs from different creators (artists/sex workers, etc)

Don’t expect a fancy theme or anything - he only uses his phone for horny content since he shares a computer with his sweet old boomer mom.

A good mix - largely pictures people post of themselves or art he likes. Sometimes he’s in a Mood and reblogs a bunch of very specific kinky posts - text posts with affirmations from doms, risqué art, gif sets of people in gear.

He doesn’t have a huge following or anything, just a handful of mutuals and spam bots he doesn’t clear out frequently. But when he posts anything he thinks could be too intense he makes sure to tag it with warnings, just in case.

Sometimes leaves little compliments for people - he’s usually too shy to message people directly but he’ll reblog their posts and say nice things in the tags. Nothing too forward, usually things like “you look so handsome here!”

Bubba Sawyer

Makes sure not to put any identifying info but he usually puts his age/vague age range (“in my 30s”) because people ask for that.

A collection of stuff he likes, mostly pictures or gifs or the odd video or audio post.

A lot of mostly vanilla content - again, what turns him on, what he can jerk it to easily. Stuff he can focus on when he’s really trying to get off. I feel like he’s more likely to reblog a gif set of people just going at it or pictures of a hot person in lingerie or cute undies than anything with too much of a kink/fetish focus. But not always.

I’m not sure if our Bubba can read/write very well so I can’t see him reblogging or writing long text posts, but there will be a few short ones here and there.

He’s a little too nervous to post intimate pics publicly but I can see him on a very very confident day posting pics of just his hands after seeing people talk abt how they like strong hands.

Again, doesn’t write a lot, so he doesn’t add comments to reblogs or anything

He may leave nice things in tags tho! Like Jason he sometimes leaves little compliments for people whose content he reblogs (ur dress is so pretty!). Sometimes he tags things with certain emojis that seem to have some kind of meaning… a mood he’s in… or maybe they remind him of someone he likes?

Brahms Heelshire

VERY detailed very organized pinned post with info about him including a list of his kinks, and what interactions he wants/doesn’t want. Also, places to send him tribute. Not that he needs the money, of course, but he wouldn’t mind if you got him something off his wishlist. (Wink wink nudge nudge.)

I see him as a switch who leans heavily towards submissive with a bratty streak. However people tend to assume he’s more dominant since he reblogs more dom centered text posts (he’s usually imagining he’s the sub in those scenarios).

Has a decent following since he will periodically produce a lot of original content - mostly text posts, or audio, and the occasional picture where his face is obscured and no naughty bits are showing directly. He errs on the side of caution since he doesn’t want to get struck down by the tumblr nipple police, and also because are you kidding me his family has a reputation to uphold, he can’t afford to get caught

Tumblr is his main horny platform of choice because he finds it easier to organize content he likes into an archive, and there’s more privacy. He tried making an nsfw account on other platforms before, but because of linked accounts and email fuckery he got recommended to follow a family friend and nearly shat himself. (He has a good handle on privacy and he knows that person couldn’t find him - he double checked his privacy settings after that - but it still scared him off that website, at least for that purpose.)

Because he has a decent following he also has a few mutuals he’s messaged periodically. He’s varying degrees of close - some only know him from his posts, some know his main tumblr, some may even be following him on other platforms as “long distance friends”

Every once in a while debates about having his own server for his simps followers, but he’s not sure about using his discord where he keeps in touch with friends/family for it or making a new one. You’re welcome to message him if you’re mutuals or you send him some cash first ❤️

Billy Lenz

What do you mean, “horny on main”? What, like you have an alt?

His blog is like, 98% porn but every once in a while he’ll reblog a non porn post to get into an argument.

“You sure have a lot of opinions on Canadian politics for a hentai blog 🤔”

Mostly an archive of stuff he finds hot at the time, without rhyme or reason - reblogs, links to other websites, etc. mostly chaos, but it seems like every once in a while he tries to have some kind of tagging system.

He sometimes posts original content - sometimes rambling text posts about the kind of sex he wants to have, very rarely pictures of himself. that he deletes immediately after in fear of getting flagged.

When it comes to audio posts… the Moaner lives up to his name. Although he’s not skilled with recording - clearly doing it on his phone - His audios aren’t half bad if you can find them. Usually captioned with something about how he made them or what he was thinking about when he made them.

Let’s be real, canon Billy had like no concept of consent. Or just didn’t care, because he wanted to scare and intimidate people. He’s definitely been blocked by people for sending creepy messages/asks or adding unwanted captions to their posts. When he wants to hit on someone in a way that means they may reciprocate, he’s nicer, but people are still (understandably) put off by him.

At his most polite though, he’d be the type to send an ask to someone saying he hopes they come to Toronto so that he can eat their hot pink cunt and make them cum on his thick tongue and fat, juicy cock. (This is regardless of factors like their actual location, whether or not they have a cunt, or travel guidelines due to the pandemic.)

#slasher fandom #jason voorhees #bubba sawyer #brahms heelshire #billy lenz #slasher imagines #lemon #nsft #noises from the attic #first post like this im nervous #who would u follow tho? i can see myself following brahms tbh #nasty attic originals

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baekdaedream · 3 years

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Tagged by @kkoongiees, @myeonplane, and @xiupastry for the check-in tag, thank you all 💗

1. why did you choose your url? Lotto had just come out! baekdae = my biases, baekchen, dream = She’s Dreaming! My previous url had been jongdaeintheheights, but I wanted something that had both my biases in it 😊

2. any side blogs? Nope

3. how long have you been on tumblr? Since May 2014 wow seven years?

4. do you have a queue tag? Yes, it’s queue 😊 gosh back when I used to keep an active queue and I’d make it very specifically set... would especially do it while I was away on my EXO trips... now though I just don’t queue anymore I’m too tired to hahah

5. why did you start your blog in the first place? Book fandom I think

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp? I was so excited this day when we got the chenbaekxilay pic!! And I haven’t changed it since that day we got it 🥰 Our boys!! I love seeing them together and I miss them 😞

7. why did you choose your header? OT9 + EXO’rDIUM acoustic section aka the loveliest thing ever?? Yes 🥰

8. what’s your post with the most notes? I actually have no idea, it’s probably one of the moodboards I made a long time ago

9. how many mutuals do you have? 24 - though, a few of them are inactive, and there’s one who I don’t think really counts anymore hahah, but yeah 😊

10. how many followers do you have? 540, but most of them are probably inactive and some are possibly just like empty ghost accounts (I do always check new followers to make sure they’re not one of those blogs that make me uncomfortable though - those ones just get blocked)

11. how many people do you follow? 73 at the moment

12. have you ever made a shitpost? Nope

13. how often do you use tumblr each day? Quite a bit? But maybe it feels like that because it’s like, sporadically through the day I’ll go on it. I’ll scroll a bit into my dash (but sometimes it won’t take long until where I last saw, which I never actually scroll all the way to on purpose hahah), go through some tags (like exosnet, wayvnet, nctinc, and those I will usually scroll to where I last saw), and like check the update accounts and reblog the updates. Check out some of my mutuals archives to see how they’re doing, if I can remember the spelling of their url or my laptop has it remembered in the autosuggestions when you begin typing the url. But my dash doesn’t tend to be active when I’m on here at the end of my day hahah, those time zones

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? No

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts? I just ignore them

16. do you like tag games? Yes 😊

17. do you like ask games? Yes, but I never reblog them to get asks - I’ve never had anon on since I made this blog, and I’m not sure if I’d get any asks regardless of if anon was on or not anyway hahah. But I like sending the asks for the ask games!

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? Jelly probably, even when she started making content for a different fandom, she’s just so lovely and makes great content

19. do you have a crush on a mutual? I may have had a bit of a friend crush on a couple 👀

20. tagging: @whenxoxosmilesunshines, @elyxion, @hanguangjunmyeon, @soft-daes, @baekchens, @abunnycotton, @xiudangerous, @ohsenhun, @dayafterdae

#tag games #of course you don't have to do it if you wouldn't like to :)#also it was so sweet of you three all to tag me like #I'm surprised by how fast this tag game got around hahah thank you :)

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technicallysideacc · 3 years

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I was tagged by @foreverfanficaddict and @littleprincepleasdontgo a million years ago in this lovely meme💗 Thank you so much, I’ve enjoyed a lot doing this one!!🥰🌺

🍎 why did you choose your url?

At first this blog was gonna be a sort of ‘archive’ for all the 1D things I wanted to have tagged and find easily. During the beginning stages of my 1D fandom experience I investigated a lot about past events, so I realised that I needed a place to keep all the posts I found interesting, and to organise myself. So, like, no pretension of interaction with the fandom or anything, this blog was a ‘by me to me’ thing, so I chose the first url that came to mind. I already have a main account for all my other interests, so this was... technically a side account. In the end, that assumption was a bit far from reality, though, since I use it way more than my main blog😂

🍎any side-blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

Actually, this is the one that’s supposed to be a secondary account hahaha I have another main one that I’d rather keep separate, but nothing else💕

🍎how long have you been on tumblr?

I’ve been using tumblr with my other account since December 2010, in a very casual way. I set this one in August 2018 (as I was saying, as a sort of storage-site for posts I found interesting!) but I’m sure that by mid-2019 I was already properly on tumblr🥰

🍎do you have a queue tag?

I do! I always have a queue running but I don’t have a specific tag for it, so if you see me around, it’s probably just the queue :)

🍎why did you start your blog in the first place?

As I was saying earlier, the idea was to use it to keep some 1D stuff for reference. At some point, the whole purpose of the blog started shifting and I started interacting a bit with some very lovely people from the fandom... and now here we are!🥰💗

🍎why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Because it’s happy Louis! My absolute favourite thing💗

🍎 why did you choose your header?

I wanted something larry-related, and when I found this one I instantly fell in love with it. It doesn’t work that well on mobile, though, so that’s why I have a Louis one for that version (and I love the colours and the small Louis smile on that one!).

🍎 what’s your post with the most notes?

I don’t generally make a lot of posts, so I don’t keep track of that :)

🍎how many mutuals do you have?

Is there a way to easily check that?? I don’t know how to! But I have quite a few lovely ones🌺☀️✨

🍎how many followers do you have?

Not saying! Tumblr keeps this private for a reason, and I love it like that💗 But I’m a pretty small blog!

🍎how many people do you follow?

Around 350!

🍎have you ever made a shitpost?

Hahaha I don’t think so! I really don’t make a lot of posts :)

🍎 how often do you use tumblr each day?

I generally check it in the morning, and then maybe when I get back home from work if I have a little while. Now I’m on holidays, so I’m using it way more than in my normal routine!

🍎 did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

Oh no aksjfhaksfhkasa I hate confrontations so the chances of that happening are very low tbh I only come to tumblr to see lovely 1D posts and have fun!💗

🍎 how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

I find them very annoying, I really don’t have to do anything. My tumblr, my choice. I don’t use this website as anything else than a place to blog about 1D; anything out of that topic is still entirely my choice and ‘off topic’ for my blog. If I want to raise awareness of social issues, I use another forms of social media. But I’d sometimes reblog them if I feel like they spread important and urgent information!

🍎 do you like tag games?

Yes!! I find them pretty funny, and a lovely way to get to know more about mutuals :)

🍎 do you like ask games?

Yes, as well! I don’t often participate in them, but if I happen to be online when someone posts one, I’d normally try to send an ask✨

🍎 which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

I don’t really keep track of these things! But several of them may be well-known in the fandom, I imagine!

🍎 do you have a crush on a mutual?

Not really! I’ve been in a very serious relationship for years

🍎 tags?

Tagging @cloudslou @justmybeautifulthings @justmehernthemoon and @herefortommo if they feel like doing this! 💗🌺✨

#tag memes #my posts #about this blog

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notquiteaghost · 4 years

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shoulder to shoulder

the magnus archives, jonmartin, 1k, post-168, also they’re both autistic

AO3 link in reblogs

After Jon’s explained he is not, no matter how Martin asks, killing Oliver Banks unprovoked, and Martin’s gotten his sulk out his system, and they’re almost out the other side of the Corpse Routes, Jon asks, careful to keep the compulsion out his voice, “You do know why Oliver woke me up and you didn’t, right?”

Martin raises his eyebrows. “Uh, no? You’re the one who knows things.”

Which is what Jon thought, and for a moment he’s caught up in the idea of not knowing something, of having a gap in his knowledge, of— But he shakes it off. This is about Martin’s feelings, not his.

“Well,” He starts, “He… I don’t know how—” The Eye chimes in, ‘helpfully’. He wrinkles his nose, “—I didn’t, until just now, know how true it is that people in comas can hear you, that talking to them helps, but. I wasn’t in a coma. I was… You know the dreams?”

“The ones people have after giving you a statement?”

Jon nods. “I was there. The whole time, I was…” He’s not tried to describe this to anyone before. It’s difficult. There’s an echo, of a ‘statement’ Elias gave, that he pushes away. “They were all connected, all blurred into each other, and I walked through them, over and over.” There’s another echo, of the feeling, the timelessness and the wandering and the watching, seeing— He pushes that away, too. “I didn’t know if I was— asleep, and the dreams were just particularly bad, or if I was dead, and my connection to the Eye was too strong for death to free me entirely, or if it was something else. I couldn’t remember how I got there, I couldn’t remember the Unknowing — In that place, the statements were all I knew. It…”

The Eye, sensing he doesn’t want to relive being trapped in one of its domains, tries to draw his attention to Oliver Bank’s roots, instead. The closest one, if he were to follow it, would lead to—

He rubs at his eyes with the palms of his hands, until the Eye gets the hint.

“We don’t have to talk about this,” Martin says, gently.

Jon shakes his head, takes a deep breath. “No, we do, you need to know.” He takes another breath, then says, as sincere as he can, “I couldn’t hear you, Martin. I couldn’t even remember your name. I only knew you visited me at all when you told me. I, ah, kind of assumed you hadn’t, actually—”

“What,” Martin exclaims, incredulous. “Why wouldn’t I have visited you!”

“You went out your way to avoid me, once I got back.”

“…Okay, yes, I did do that. But, uh, the first week I sort of… slept in your hospital room. Only stopped after the attack, actually, because Peter— You know.”

A moment of silence to give their hatred of Peter its due.

“Yes,” Jon says. “I do appreciate it, anyway.”

“Even though I stopped months before you woke up?”

“I’m reasonably certain you no longer visiting was a rather key step in everyone’s various plans, so yes, even though you stopped.”

Martin blinks at him. “You think you were trapped that long on purpose?”

“Oliver Banks explicitly told me Annabelle asked him to talk to me. He didn’t know it would wake me, but I’m sure she did. And would you have gone along with Peter, if I’d been around?”

“N—” Martin cuts himself off, furrows his brow. “Maybe? But I would have talked to you about it.”

Jon nods. “Things might have still played out the same, but keeping me out the picture until the Lonely had a decent hold on you made Peter’s plan far more of a sure thing.”

Unsurprisingly, Martin doesn’t look pleased about that. “Mmmm…”

“Anyway, that isn’t my point,” Jon says, and reaches out to take Martin’s hand and lace their fingers together. “I heard Oliver because he made a statement — And a statement about his own moment of… rebirth, no less. He told me I had a choice — I could renounce the eye, and die, or I could embrace it, and… continue.”

Martin huffs, but fondly. “I knew it wasn’t true love’s kiss that woke you, Jon.”

“No,” Jon agrees, “because you didn’t kiss me.”

That makes Martin grin, even as he says, “That is— so cheesy, oh my God!”

“You wanted me to murder the man who robbed you of your chance to try,” Jon points out, trying to suppress his own grin. “You write me poems—”

“That you do not know about!”

“—The substance of which I am entirely clueless of, but still. Poems.”

Martin’s smile is one of the best things Jon has ever seen. “Aren’t you meant to be reassuring me?”

Right, yes.

“I will not leave you for Oliver Banks, Martin,” Jon says, his tone shifting back to serious, “Because he woke me up unintentionally on the whim of someone else, and you sat at my bedside and read me Terry Prachett’s Feet of Clay, because it’s your favourite Discworld book and you think it’s a crime I’ve never read them.”

Martin’s grip on Jon’s hand tightens, but his tone stays closer to teasing. “Thought you didn’t hear me.”

“The… The Eye is very forthcoming, about you,” Jon admits.

“I don’t know how I feel about that.”

“I try not to think about it. The time for musing on if the entities themselves can feel emotion in any way we would recognise has passed, I think.”

“Yeah.” They’re quiet for a beat, still walking between the dark, twisting things Jon is not thinking about the path of. “Still haven’t read any Discworld, then?”

“No, Martin, I didn’t make time during my final transformation to read fiction novels.”

“Well,” Martin says, as always far better at sidestepping tension before it has a chance to bloom, “I have read them a lot.”

“And now you’re going to explain the plot of the entire series, in great detail?”

“And you’re going to listen attentively, because that’s what love is.”

Jon could spend every moment until all moments cease telling Martin he loves him, and he still wouldn’t have said it enough. God, he loves him.

“I do love to hear you infodump, yes,” he says, and God, Martin’s smile.

“Good,” Martin says, and lifts Jon’s hand up to press a kiss to his knuckles, before his gaze drifts to the middle distance as he organizes his thoughts. “Okay, so, Feet of Clay is one of the Watch books, but it’s not the first Watch book, and also the Watch books aren’t the first books, though you shouldn’t really…”

#the magnus archives #jonmartin #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #tma spoilers #yelling at clouds #fic tag #infodumping is a love language thank you

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jamesandtheblog · 3 years

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[closed]

tl;dr -- no longer active

shouldn’t be surprising, but I’m planning to log off this account (and all associated social media accounts) by the end of Friday this week (11:59 PST 08/13) and won’t be logging back in after. This blog (and my side blog for the, like, 5 people who follow it) will keep on existing, but only for archival purposes. I’m not sure if anyone was trying to interact with me on twitter, but in case you did try to dm me... I forgot my twitter handle and the password a long time ago and never logged back in after I got auto-logged out... sorry :(

I was planning to keep updating occasionally, but after a lot of thought, I’ve decided to retire this account. I’ve had this blog for ~6 years so, even though I’m sure nobody is actively following anymore, I wanted to give my reasons for closing it for documentation purposes. If anything, it’s so that I can verbalize why I’m no longer interested in posting on here:

- This account has been found by people who know me IRL. My reason for being on the internet, especially in fandoms or non-mainstream sites, is so that I can express things/interests that I wouldn’t normally be able to express (for whatever reason) in real life. Basically, I like being online for the anonymity and I take my anonymity seriously. Unfortunately, I didn’t really appreciate how much I valued anonymity until recently, so in my ~*youth*~ (aka as recently as 2 years ago) I gave out my blog name to a few IRL friends like a dumbass. Not long after, I became pretty uncomfortable/very self-conscious about posting at all and it felt that this account had been compromised. It just didn’t feel good to post anymore. Please note, though: my friends didn’t do anything wrong (they were just very excited to see my digital art and wanted to support me). I just didn’t realize at that time that I liked posting mainly because I was anonymous.

- I’m working full time now. I’ve graduated from a 4-year program, found a job as a developer, and moved to a different state. Unfortunately, I don’t have as much time/energy to actually draw or be active online now.

- I’ve changed as an artist. This blog was created so I can post digital art, fanart, and anime-style drawings. I’ve gained most of my followers through my drawings for @danguy96, DrakenNier, or RWBY. I’m still into Drakengard/Nier, anime, etc., but I’ve moved onto traditional mediums and less fanart. My old fanart still gets the occasional follower/like/reblog and I think it would be really disappointing for someone to checkout my blog through my fanart only to realize that I’m not posting that stuff anymore. It would just be better to start fresh.

Moving forward: I’m still gonna be on tumblr. It’s not what it used to be and the staff hates money and non-negative profit margins, but they haven’t irreversibly fucked up the microblogging aspect of the site (......yet) and I’ve been here too long to move to a different site. I’ll be creating a new account (that’s actually anonymous this time).

On that note, the reason I’m not immediately shutting down this account is so that my followers have a chance to follow my new account, if they’re interested. Be warned that it’s not gonna be very active or fandom-y, and I’ll be mostly posting to build a catalog of my stuff rather than an actual internet presence. If you’re interested, please DM me before Friday, and I’ll give you the link to my new blog. It’s empty right now, but I’m planning to post my sketchbook doodles and anything else I want.

I remember how excited I was when I hit more than 100 likes for the first time, and I’m still amazed every time I see a like/reblog of my old art. Thanks for following my blog for this long despite the fact that there wasn’t much to follow or see. Maybe we’ll cross paths again in the future :’)

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shenanigans-and-imagines · 4 years

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We’re the Bad Guys: Part 6

Masterlist

Poe Dameron x Reader (eventually), First Order!Reader

Summary: From the day you were born, you were taught the rebels and their New Republic were the bad guys. But, after you crash land on a remote moon with only the Resistance’s poster boy for company, things begin the change.

Based off of this drabble and headcanon

A/N: Hey! Guess who finally got around to the next chapter. Sorry to say no Poe. He won’t be back until Part 8, but I promise he’s coming. And always remember; REBLOG AND COMMENT IF YOU LIKE THIS! I NEED VALIDATION TO SURVIVE!!!

Word Count: 3.0

The next three weeks were the longest of your life. You hadn’t realized just how integral your ship was to your daily routine until you couldn’t fly anymore. What you would have given just to look at the inside of a Tie-Fighter engine. What you would have given just to sit in the cockpit. But, orders were orders.

You were all but confined to quarters, spending your days approving shipments, scheduling repairs and staring at the ceiling. Hux hadn’t ordered any new attacks or changes in patrol. You almost wished the Resistance would attack. At least it would be a change of pace.

Even the Stormtrooper assigned to assist you had become a near constant reminder of your utter boredom. You knew it was standard for an officer of your rank to have an aid, but you had gone so many years without one, you didn’t know what to do with him. All he really could do was stand there and occasionally help you to and from the hanger bay. You would have thought Hux would take advantage of the situation and give you a new up and coming officer to train, but he had insisted one of his Stormtroopers was enough for your needs.

“There is nothing in your assignment which would warrant wasting integral personal”, as he had eloquently put it.

You couldn’t completely dismiss the general’s reasoning. But at least with an officer you might have been able to talk flight tactics or even just the daily grind. The trooper gave you nothing to work with. All you had managed to get out of him was “yes”, “no”, and “sorry”, usually in that order.

The one relief you could find was in the computer archives. You poured what hours you could into researching and understanding the Resistance pilots attached to Black Squadron led by Commander Poe Dameron.

For obvious reasons his history after graduating and joining the Resistance were sparse and relied on reports from First Order officers and informants. His life before then, however, was all but public knowledge.

He hadn’t lied to you when he said his parents were soldiers for the Rebellion. In fact, it may have been considered an understatement. Both were awarded for their bravery, his mother receiving special commendation from General Organa herself. It explained his devotion and the burden the ring placed around his neck carried.

You had to wonder why. Why did he so willingly carry it with him? And the only conclusion you could come to was he chose to carry it. He chose to join the Republic academy. He chose legacy over glory and joined the Resistance where the only reward would be the ensuring the victory his parents fought to achieve. It was his decision; plain and simple.

And where did that leave you?

You didn’t choose to fight. Your parents were the ones to place you in the academy. They placed their legacy on you, not as a token you could take on or off, but an invisible force pressing you into submission. And what was your reward? The hope of victory in the face of your parents' defeat? There had to be more. You had to have dedicated your life to something more.

But like so many of your questions, you only had yourself to answer to. It was a slow moving circle, spiraling down to a conclusion you weren’t sure you were ready to face.

A knock on the door came as a relief as your trooper stepped into the room.

“General Hux wishes to see you in his office, Commander,” he said. His tone was nervous as if he weren’t sure he was allowed to give you any kind of order, regardless of where it came from.

Your lip pressed into a line of annoyance. You couldn’t imagine what General Hux would want with you, but it couldn’t be anything good. Regardless, you reached for your cane and started making the arduous trek to his office with your trooper in tow.

You finally reached the door, a little uncomfortable, but not in serious pain. Your trooper had offered his arm more than once. You had been tempted to take it, but you weren’t on a remote moon anymore. Any such assistance would be seen as a weakness. Maybe that was why Hux had assigned him to you. A test of your resolve.

“You best wait outside,” you said. “I wouldn’t want you caught in the middle of whatever firestorm is coming.”

The trooper’s shoulders relaxed in instant relief. “Yes, Commander.”

You nodded in approval and walked inside.

The General’s office was impressive, but not in the way one would expect. There were no elaborate paintings, statues or anything of note decorating the walls save for the occasional star map. The room was large with a high ceiling allowing one’s footsteps to echo in the empty space. The furniture was sparse, but strategically placed to focus one’s eyeline to the desk at the very center of the room and the man behind it.

General Hux sat up straight with his hand folded carefully on the desk. The back of his chair rose high above him, given the illusion to the throne he so clearly wanted. The edges were elaborately decorated with silver and gold flaked carvings, glistening what light they could in the dimly lit room. If there was ever a doubt in one’s mind to his ambition, the chair was all they needed to silence them.

But for all his strategy, his face was not what captured your attention. Standing just to his left was the towering figure of Commander Kylo Ren.

Your back involuntarily stiffened, but you did not faluter your steps as you approached the desk.

You had only been in the same room as Kylo Ren a handful of times, and talked to him even less, but it was all you needed. You knew his reputation as leader of the Knights of Ren. You understood his standing with Supreme Leader Snoke. And more importantly, you knew exactly what he was capable of.

Your eyes trailed down, landing on the hilt of his lightsaber.

Taking a small breath, you let it out slowly, willing your mind to calm. You just needed to remain calm.

“General Hux,” you greeted, formally. “Commander Ren. I was told you wished to speak with me.”

“Yes,” Hux said. “Please, have a seat.”

You glanced down at the seat in front of his desk. It was sturdy, simple and more importantly sat at least three inches below the General’s own chair.

“I’d rather stand, sir,” you said, placing just enough apology in your voice to prevent him from formally reprimanding you. “I’ve been sitting so long; I need what opportunities I can get to stretch my legs.”

Hux’s lips pressed into a fine line. “As you will, Commander.”

He looked away from you then, making a show of going through the notes on his data pad as he did so.

“You seem to be recovering rather well. I understand you will be fit for command within a week.”

“That is what the droids have told me, sir.”

“And you have taken no leave since your injury?”

“No, sir. From what I understand, an injury does not relieve me of my duties.”

“But, you have had time to look into a certain Resistance pilot,” Hux said, turning his head upward to look into your eyes as he said it. “Is that correct?”

You felt your jaw tighten. So, there it was. “Yes, sir.”

He opened his hands upward, giving you an almost innocent expression. “May I ask why?”

Your eyes flickered to Kylo Ren. He made no move one way or the other, but you could feel his eyes on you. Once again, you allowed yourself a moment to clear your mind.

You had been trained for this exact moment. After the fall of the Emperor at the hands of Luke Skywalker, many formal Imperials grew fearful at the potential onslaught of Jedi. Training against force users became part of your daily study. Teräs Käsi was integrated into your combat training as well as other techniques developed by Sith and Mandalorian alike. But more importantly, exercises to strengthen your mind from attack and influence were prioritized above all else.

Kylo Ren was not about to get inside your mind unless he was willing to kick down the door.

“I don’t get shot down that often,” you answered, simply. “I was curious as to the identity of the pilot who managed it.”

“And your findings?” Hux asked.

“I understand him to be Commander Poe Dameron, former Captain of the New Republic Fleet. A brilliant pilot according to his academy records, and a regular thorn in my squadron’s side for some time.”

“Indeed,” Hux said. “Which begs the question, why now?”

He was staring at you intently and you could feel just the slightest throb of pressure inside your skull. Now was the moment.

“I made the mistake of underestimating my enemy once,” you said, smoothly. “I will not do so again.”

Hux’s eyes never left you, but the pressure dissipated. You didn’t take look in Kylo Ren’s direction, but the fact he hadn’t reached for his lightsaber spoke volumes.

“Is there a point to this interrogation, sir,” you asked, bluntly.

The General raised an eyebrow. “Who said it was an interrogation?”

“Pardon me, sir, but I wasn’t addressing you.” You then straightened, and purposefully drew your eye directly to Kylo Ren. “Is there a purpose to this?”

If the Commander was surprised, he didn’t show it. But then again, he couldn't show much with his mask on.

“General Hux was discontent with your report,” he said, simply but with just enough annoyance to make his disdain clear.

“Were there inconsistencies I need to account for?” you asked.

“None,” Ren answered.

You felt some relief at that. You hadn’t been dishonest. Rather, you had left out certain things, such as Dameron pulling you from the ship, sharing his food, and basically anything else regarding his involvement. According to your report, you were unconscious for the first day and only came to after Poe had been taken off world. The rest was entirely accurate.

“Then it’s the truth the General takes issues with,” you said, dryly.

“Watch your tone Commander,” Hux spat. “You forget who your superiors are.”

“Show me a superior and I’ll remember,” you countered.

Hux rose from his chair then, red faced and fuming.

Your lip twitched upward in satisfaction. Finally, something honest.

“I do not appreciate games, sir,” you continued. “Unlike you, I face my enemies in the open. Did you hope to catch me in a lie? To pin me as a spy or incompetent to justify you leaving me behind to rot? You will have satisfaction in neither. You made a mistake and now you must deal with the consequences.”

“And that’s where you’re wrong,” he said, stepping toward you until you stood practically foot to foot. “You are a Tie-Fighter Commander. I could replace you with any officer of your rank within a week. Officers with much more important names than your own. The only reason I haven’t is that there are those who deem your skills as a pilot above average, but do not think for a moment you are secure.”

“Well, if I’m so easily replaceable, then what was the point of all this?” you said, barely able to control the growl between your teeth.

“Call it a test of loyalty,” Hux said, smoothly. “One which you have failed. If you were truly loyal to the First Order you would not have questioned why you were not rescued. Instead you gave a report questioning my actions and possess a bitterness I personally find distasteful. I hope for your sake you strive to correct such actions in the future.”

And there it was; pettiness. You had made him look bad by living and now he was going to give you hell. All you had done; all the blood, sweat and tears you had given to the First Order, swept away because one man couldn’t admit a mistake.

You wanted to scream, but held it in. Hux was just looking for an excuse to demote you. You would not give him the satisfaction. So, you took a breath and let it out slowly.

“Yes, sir.”

Hux twitched upward in a smug smile. “You are dismissed, Commander.”

You straightened then, giving him a quick salute and turned to leave.

“One more thing, Commander,” he called. “I thought you ought to know, your squadron has been sent to reconditioning.”

You spun back around, unable to hide your surprise. “Sir?”

“They had reported you dead,” he clarified. “I would not wish pilots like that under my command. Would you?”

Your hand tightened around the top of your cane. It wouldn’t take much effort. Just a few steps and a quick wave of the arm and his head could turn into a mess of red slop. But once again, you kept still.

“No,” you managed. “Thank you, sir.”

You did not wait for a dismissal, before turning once again and walking out the door.

Your trooper didn’t say anything as the pair of you made your way back to your quarters, to which you were thankful.

Hux had to have been bluffing. There was no way you were as replaceable as he implied, but it nagged at you even worse than the first night you returned to the Finalizer. Again the question you had been avoiding came back begging to be answered; what were you fighting for?

It occurred to you then you weren’t even that affected by your squadron being sent away. Yes, you were angry, but more at Hux’s clear manipulation of the system to place blame away from himself. The men and women you had fought alongside weren’t people. They were numbers. A line of identical helmets with nothing behind the eyes. They were like you; replaceable.

The door to your quarters opened. It was only when you stepped inside did you realize just how badly your leg was aching.

“Trooper,” you said. “Could you assist me to the chair, please.”

The Stormtrooper stiffened in surprise, but was quick to help you; placing a hand on your waist and supporting you to the chair. For a brief moment you thought of a different hand on your waist and the smell of clear forest air. But, it didn’t last as he placed you in your seat.

“What’s your name, trooper?” you asked, suddenly.

The Stormtrooper once again stiffened. “Sir?”

“You’ve been by my side for three weeks,” you clarified. “It just occurred to me, I don’t remember your name.”

“Oh,” he said, awkwardly. “I’m FN-2187.”

You nodded. “Alright, FN-2187, may I ask you a question?”

“Of course, Commander.”

“Are you afraid of me?”

There was a long awkward pause. You couldn’t get much with his helmet on, but his body language was enough to scream just how much he did not want to answer the question.

“I won’t be offended by your answer,” you said, giving what you hoped was an assuring smile.

He looked at you carefully, his weight shifting from side to side in deliberation.

“Yes,” he said. “Well, you did, but no. Not so much now.”

“And what do you think of me now?”

Again he paused.

“I don’t know, sir.”

Again, you nodded. “And your other commanding officers. Are you afraid of them?”

His head tilted from side to side. “Yes and no.”

“Meaning some you’re afraid of some and others you respect?”

“No,” he said, carefully. “I’m not sure if respect is the right word.”

“Meaning you’re afraid of some more than others.”

There was a silence. It was answer enough.

“And of your fellow troopers,” you continued. “Are there any you respect or would call a friend?”

“None that come to mind, Commander.” His toned was rather matter-of-fact, and that somehow made it worse.

“Not even the ones you trained with?”

He shook his head. “No sir, I don’t know where they are. We were separated after our initial conditioning was complete. It’s protocol.”

“Protocol?” you repeated. Yes, you suppose that makes sense. Less chance to rebel against the programming and isolate those that do. Incredibly efficient and utterly inhuman.

“So, if you have no commanding officer you admire or comrades in arms, what is it that you fight for?”

“The First Order, sir.” It was said quickly, automatically, and well practiced.

“Of course,” you said, unable to say anything else. What else were you fighting for, but the First Order. Whatever that was. “Thank you for your honesty, FN-2187. You’re dismissed.”

He gave the standard salute, but made no move to leave, once again shifting his weight uneasily from side to side.

“Uh, Commander?” he asked, tentatively. “Is there...is there something I can do for you?”

You stared at him. A sudden feeling came over you, something warm and comforting right in your chest. It was pleasant, if not a little alien and left a small smile on your lips. And in that moment, you made your choice.

“No. Thank you,” you said, gently. “You’ve given me a good deal to think about. Although, you might need to find a new assignment. I will be taking the next few days off.”

“You’re taking leave, Commander?” he questioned.

You shrugged. “Might as well. There isn’t much else going on, and I doubt I’ll be given another opportunity short of death after this. Not to mention you’ll finally be allowed a more interesting assignment.”

“It’s not so bad, sir,” FN-2187 said, sheepishly. “Better than sanitation duty, anyway.”

You gave a small chuckle at that. “Fair enough. You’re dismissed Trooper. And thank you.”

He nodded in acknowledgement and left.

The moment the door closed, you opened your computer and pulled an empty data stick from the drawer. You had a lot of work to do.

#poe dameron x reader #poe dameron #poe x reader #poe #star wars imagine #star wars #general hux #kylo ren #the force awakens #the last jedi #the rise of skywalker

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gabriel-agreste-has-no-rights · 4 years

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Rating: G

Summary: Kagami and Nino plan a surprise party for Adrien's seventeenth birthday. With help from their friends, nothing can go wrong this time. Nino's even invited an extra special guest who's sure to make Adrien's night. (Nino & Kagami & Adrien friendship, with a side of Ladrien)

Word Count: 3101 | Chapter 1/3

Notes: written for @marinetteplztakeabreak through the @mlbforblm charity drive! The donations go directly to Color of Change, an online organization for racial justice centered on the Black Lives Matter movement. I highly recommend checking them out and reblogging/donating the mlbforblm posts if you’re able! I have one fic slot left as of 7/23/2020, and many other talented writers and artists are offering incentives as well! There’s even a giveaway going on; see the mlbforblm blog for more info!

XXX

“Hmm.” Kagami’s brow furrowed as she stared at Nino’s Operation: Totally Swank Party binder. The two of them sat on a bench in the park, where she had agreed to meet him after slipping away from her fencing lesson. “Bribing the bodyguard is a proven technique. Get me a list of action figures his collection is missing, and I’ll have them by tomorrow.”

“Way ahead of you, dude.” Nino tore a piece of notebook paper out. He’d done his research last night after a long phone call with Adrien. “Glad I can count on you.”

“Of course.” She neatly folded the paper and slipped it into her jacket pocket. “I’ll have them shipped to your apartment. Do you have a plan to dispose of his babysitter?”

Nino sighed and flipped to the page with a doodle of Nathalie with horns at the top. It was a much more tentative outline than what he’d prepared to deal with the Gorilla. Hopefully Kagami would be able to help him with that.

“Nathalie’s whole job is to suck out all the fun in my bro’s life. We’ll never be able to throw this party with her in the picture.”

He’d tried the past three years. From Hawkmoth transforming him into the Bubbler, to Nathalie locking him in a closet, to Gabe himself nearly arresting him for trespassing, each had been a total bust. At this point Adrien probably wasn’t expecting Nino to try.

But Adrien was his best bro. Nino would never give up on throwing him the most poppin’ party ever.

Plus, this year, he had a secret weapon. One that even Kagami didn’t know about.

“You seem quite prepared.” Kagami squinted at the page. “You’re sure Max can play his part? The Agrestes use my mother’s security technology.”

“Positive. He and Markov can hack anything.”

Max had already wired into the speaker system last time they threw a party for Adrien. Of course, on Adrien’s birthday, the mansion would be too obvious a target. That’s why the plan just required getting his bro out of the house altogether.

“I’ll trust you, then. What exactly is my role?”

Nino grinned, placing a hand on her shoulder. “You, my good bro, will be sneaking Adrien away from his fake fencing lessons. Adrien says you’ve done it a thousand times, and his pops still barely knows who you are. You’ve got like, some kind of invisibility superpower.”

“I simply have practice. That’s all.” She took his pen and began making notes in his binder. “Nathalie will realize we’re gone approximately forty-five minutes after we leave. The Gorilla has set patrol routes for finding Adrien when he goes missing, which I can map out for you.”

“If he takes the bribes, that shouldn’t be a problem.”

Kagami was already sketching out a map of the city on a clean sheet of paper. Geez, how did she remember all that? He doubted he could even draw the path from his apartment to Alya’s.

“I don’t want to take any chances. We cannot fail Adrien. Do you have a venue reserved already?”

“Huh?” Nino scratched under his hat. Kagami was pretty rad, but it was hard to follow her train of thought sometimes. “Oh, right! I was thinking the hotel. Now that Chloé’s not a total jerk—”

“No. Too obvious. Nathalie will find us within the hour.” Kagami frowned and tapped the pen against the back of her hand. “The ice rink will be our best option. It’s out of his bodyguard’s patrol zone, and it can accommodate all of Adrien’s friends. We hid there all the time when we were dating, and no one ever found us.”

“Sure, sure, there’s just one problem.” He grinned nervously and tapped his fingers together. “I, uh, don’t know how to skate.”

Kagami tilted her head and. “Really? No matter. His birthday is twenty-one days away. You have plenty of time to learn.”

Over her shoulder, he watched her write “Teach Nino to ice skate” in her crisp print.

“Uhh… well, I guess that works.” Hopefully everyone else knew how to skate already, or they could just enjoy the food and cake from the seats surrounding the rink. Nino could technically do that too, but he didn’t want to miss hanging out on the ice with his best bro.

“I’ve seen you parkour with Alya. You seem like you’ll learn quickly.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Nino chuckled. “Just get ready to watch me starfish out there.”

Her lips pursed thoughtfully. “If it proves too difficult for you, I can try to find a backup location. I doubt one exists that will fit everyone you’ve listed, though.” She flipped back to the guest list, which included all of their classmates from the last few years, Adrien’s whole fencing team, and a few other friends like Luka and XY. Pretty much everyone Adrien had ever interacted with was on the list.

Except for one special guest, but Nino had left her out on purpose.

“No, no, it’ll be fine! I’m just joking, dude.”

“Oh.” Her face pinked a bit. “How are we going to deliver the invitations without alerting Nathalie or Adrien’s father?

“I’ve started planning that too.” Nino flipped forward a few pages. “The most important guests—ones who aren’t gonna snitch on us—will get their invites a week in advance. The rest will get theirs by text on the day of. If they can’t come, they can’t come.” It was the best solution he’d been able to come up with. He was sure that even if people did have plans, most would drop them for a chance to party with Adrien Agreste.

“Hmm. It still feels too obvious. The fencing team in particular may give us up.” She frowned before scratching a few names off the list. Well, she was on the team herself; she would know better than anyone who could be trusted. “You’re right though. This does seem like the best plan.”

Nino grinned. One nice thing about Kagami was that when she gave a compliment, he knew it was sincere. If she agreed with his birthday plan, then it was as close to foolproof as it could be.

“Sweet. I think that covers everything for now.”

“A very productive planning session.” Kagami nodded before holding out her fist.

Nino laughed and bumped knuckles with her. After a year of hanging out with him and his bro, Kagami was finally getting the hang of fist bumps.

“Meet me at the ice rink at eighteen hundred on Saturday. We’ll begin your lessons then.”

She closed the binder and handed it back to him, then stood and walked away.

“Skating lessons with Kagami, huh…”

This was either going to be a legit time, or he was going to make a total idiot of himself.

XXX

“Come on, Nino, you’ve got this!” Alya called encouragement as she and Marinette lapped him again. He frowned at their backs. How was it that even Marinette, certified clumsiest girl in Paris, could be a better skater than him?

“Focus, Nino.” Kagami snapped her fingers. She stayed near him, slowing her pace even though she could’ve skated rings around him. “Your girlfriend’s praise will only become reality if you practice proper technique. Keep your weight centered.”

“Right, right.” He pushed off from the handrail and tried not to flap his arms. This time, he made it a solid twenty seconds before he slipped and went skidding across the ice. His hat slid off in the opposite direction, but Kagami quickly retrieved it.

“Don’t try to go so fast. Catching up to Marinette and Alya isn’t your goal.” Kagami’s advice was blunt, but helpful. Nino didn’t mind her getting to the point. He knew his skating needed work, and no matter how many times he fell, she didn’t lose patience with him.

It was nice that Alya was so far ahead, honestly. It meant she didn’t see him look like a total dorkasaurus every time he fell.

I’m doing this for Adrien, he reminded himself each time. He didn’t need to be a pro skater. He just needed to be able to stay upright.

“You make it look so easy.” He frowned as Kagami glided backwards.

“I’ve been skating since I was six. It makes a relaxing hobby.”

He snorted. “How is anything about this relaxing?”

“Hmm. Perhaps you’re thinking too hard. It makes you hesitate, place your weight incorrectly. You’re a musician, aren’t you?”

“Huh? Yeah, you know I’m DJ-ing for the party.” He had no clue why Kagami was asking, though.

“Skating has a rhythm. Maybe you’ll feel more comfortable timing your strides with music.”

He tapped his chin. “Y’know… that’s not a half bad idea.”

“Not half bad? Does that mean only half is good?”

“No, no, the whole idea’s good! It’s just an expression.”

He slipped his headphones over his ears and picked one of the slowest songs on his playlist. It was a waltz in ¾ time; hopefully that wouldn’t trip him up.

“Alright, here goes.”

He took a deep breath and pushed off from the wall.

One-two-three, one-two-three. The music was smooth as the ice under his skates. Kagami kept pace with him, smiling as he counted the beats under his breath.

Something about it did feel different. Maybe it was that he stopped overthinking; maybe it was just the magic of music. Either way, he went the whole six-minute song without falling on his butt.

“Not half bad.” Kagami smiled. “...Did I use that right?”

“Heck yeah, dude.” They fistbumped.

“Way to go Nino!” Marinette gave him a high five as she and Alya caught up.

“Thanks for teaching my boyfriend, Kagami. I owe you one.”

“You owe me nothing, Alya.” Kagami’s cheeks turned red. “We’re all working together to ensure Adrien’s birthday is perfect. Teaching Nino is just one step in that plan.”

“Well, I still think it’s really cool of you. Oh! And speaking of the party, my mom says she can cater. I’ve already sworn her to secrecy.”

“Awesome! What about you, Marinette?” Nino took his headphones off to better hear the conversation, but his legs still knew what to do. “Are you gonna get Adrien a totally rad birthday cake or what?”

“Yeah, absolutely!” She nodded. “I’ll just have to drop it off before the party.”

“You’re still sure you can't come, girl?” Alya asked her.

“No, sorry. I promise I would if I could, but I—I’ve already made a commitment. But I’ll have the cake here on time, I swear!”

“And one of his fifty birthday presents, right?” She nudged Marinette with her elbow. Marinette nearly fell, but Nino wasn’t sure if that was from Alya’s bump or her words.

“I—I don’t have those anymore!” Her shoulders slumped. “It turns out, planning presents fifty years in advance works a lot better if you can see the future. They’re all out of style by now.”

Alya laughed at that. Nino couldn’t help noticing that Kagami had gone silent, though, her gaze locked on the ice in front of them.

“Something wrong, bro?” He asked her.

She shook her head. “Adrien’s party won’t be perfect if Marinette isn’t present. I thought she of all people would understand how much she means to him.”

Marinette gasped. “I… I’m sorry, Kagami. Adrien does mean the world to me, and… I promise, I’ll make it up to him.”

Nino was forced to stop as Kagami grabbed the handrail and locked eyes with Marinette. Some kind of silent conversation seemed to pass between them. He looked to Alya for help, but she just shrugged. By now he thought he’d understand the girls, but maybe some things would always be a mystery.

“See that you do. He deserves that much.”

This wasn’t some kind of love triangle over Adrien again, was it? Kagami had stayed good friends with all of them after she and Adrien broke up. Marinette was probably still crazy in love with him, but that was nothing new.

“It’s okay, dudes. The party’s still going to be perfect. I’ve got a special surprise planned for our favorite bro.”

He winked at Alya, who grinned back. She’d been the one to help him pull it off.

“A surprise?” Marinette clapped her hands together at the same time Kagami raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t factor any surprises into our plans. Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“It’s not much of a surprise if everyone knows, is it?” Nino said. “But you’re right, I should have told you, Kagami. I just wasn’t sure if it would be awkward for you, knowing who Adrien’s crushing on now and all…”

“It’s not an issue. Adrien is a wonderful friend. That is more than enough for me,” Kagami replied.

“Adrien’s... crushing on someone?” Marinette asked, her eyes wide.

Oops. Kagami might have taken it well, but Nino should’ve waited until Marinette was gone.

“What’s the scoop, babe?” Alya raised her eyebrow, and Nino threw his hands in the air.

“I thought you already knew! Why do you think we worked so hard to get Ladybug to show up for his party?”

Marinette caught hold of the hand rail before her legs slipped out from under her.

“Adrien has a crush on Ladybug?”

“Oh. That’s all?” Kagami asked. “I’ve known that for months.”

“You have?”

“Was it supposed to be a secret? He keeps posters of her in his fencing locker.”

Marinette still looked like she was blue screening. Alya glared at Nino, and he gave a nervous smile. What was he supposed to do? Kagami had a point; the dude wasn’t exactly subtle.

“Anyway.” He coughed. “Our bro likes Ladybug, and she’s coming to his party, so he’s going to have a totally cash money time.”

“Cash money? You’ve been hanging out with Luka and XY too much, babe.”

Marinette giggled at that. She got her feet back under her, and they started skating in unison again. So… she wasn’t that upset? Whew.

“Oh, speaking of XY, I gotta get him here to help set up the special effects,” Nino said. “I already got permission from Phillipe. We’re going all out, courtesy of the actual cash money Kitty Section and XY’s last collab made.”

“How did we end up friends with so many rich people?” Alya mused under her breath.

“It sounds like the plan is in motion, then,” Kagami said.

“Yeah, it’s going to be perfect! Adrien will love it.” Marinette grinned. “Thank you two for putting all this together.”

“Anything for my best bro.” Nino shot her finger guns.

“He deserves a party worthy of his friendship,” Kagami added.

And he was going to get one. This year, of all years, Nino refused to let anything go wrong.

XXX

Three weeks later, on the night of September twenty-first, Nino paced the blue chairs surrounding the perimeter of the ice rink. His friends wove between the chairs, setting up tables of food and games. His turntables were already in place at the head of the rink, and XY was hooking them up to the speaker system.

“Nathalie’s schedule?” Nino asked as he passed Max.

“Hacked and adjusted.” Max flashed a thumbs up.

“Great job, dude.” He clapped him on the shoulder before moving on to Rose and Juleka’s station.

“Presents?”

“Stacked and organized!” Rose saluted.

“Sweet. Make sure to leave some extra space, there’ll be more where those came from.” He continued his path to where Chloé was lounging in a chair and scrolling through her phone.

“Chloé, status report.”

“No trace of Adrikins on Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, or YouTube.” She flipped her ponytail. “You should check your tone, though. I’m not some peon you can just order around.”

“Right.” He rolled his eyes. Classic Chloé. At least she was taking her job seriously, though. “Thanks for all your hard work.”

“You’re welcome.” She smirked.

Her job was one of the most important. If the media caught wind of Adrien’s location, the party would have to split before he even got here. To prevent that, Max had jammed the wifi and cell service so that only his computer, Chloé’s phone, and Nino’s phone had wifi. If anyone wanted to post about the party on social media, they’d have to wait until after it was over.

Everything was looking perfect. There wasn’t much else to do but wait for updates from Kagami.

19:00. Arrived at the court. No sign of Adrien.

19:04. Adrien has arrived. Bodyguard bribed and driving away.

19:05. En route to ice rink. Adrien was suspicious, but believed my excuse of buying him birthday orange juice.

Nino shook his head with a smile. How did Kagami type all that without Adrien noticing? At least everything seemed to going smoothly on her end, too.

He started pacing again. According to Kagami, a casual stroll from the school to the ice rink took twenty minutes. It was longer than Nino wanted to wait, but the location had to be far enough away to avoid notice.

His phone beeped again. He unlocked it to see a selfie of Kagami and Adrien smiling wide, though Adrien was practically unrecognizable in the oversized hoodie and bright blue wig Kagami had borrowed from Juleka.

Alya’s chin rested on Nino’s shoulder. “Aww, look at them. All grown up and ready to rebel.”

“Psh, Kagami’s been rebelling for ages. Adrien could still learn a thing or two from her.”

“Oh look, she sent another one!” Alya clicked his phone.

In this photo, the two of them were pulling funny faces. Adrien stuck out his tongue, while Kagami puffed out her cheeks and gave him bunny ears.

Nino laughed and put an arm around his girlfriend. “We did a great job with them, didn’t we?”

“Absolutely.” She smiled before zooming in on the background. “Looks like they’re in front of the parking lot. They’ll be here any time now.”

Sure enough, Kagami texted, 19:25. Two minutes away.

“Right!” Nino gave her cheek a quick kiss before running to his turntables. He snatched up the microphone, and his voice blasted through the speakers. “Alright, dudes! Adrien’s about to walk through those doors, so everyone hide!”

Their friends dove behind tables and chairs. All of them except XY, anyway.

“What’s the point, dude? He’s gonna see all our sick lights.” XY pointed to the laser lights next to the turntable.

“That’s why we switch them off,” Luka said, pressing the button. The rink fell into darkness.

“Ohhhh.”

Nino pulled the two of them under the table with him just before the double doors opened.

#what an ice surprise #fic tag #miraculous ladybug #kagami #nino lahiffe #nino #tali writes #mlbforblm

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tyk-tyk-tyk · 4 years

Text

🍁 Achievements + Analysis

I thought about making separate posts, but then I realized I could multitask and mash all of these into one. Lists all of the achievements in English and translated from Russian + some commentary. Behold, the Knock Knock Achievement Master Post. As always, long post under the cut.

“How’s Annie” was a fun tidbit that had a shallow rabbit hole to follow. Some of these are interesting, some of these are not. I used Yandex to help translate these, so take it with a grain of salt.

This was taken from a website that archives Steam achievements. I’ll be going through them all, just to tie up any loose ends.

🍁Fear of a blank page

English: Fear of a blank page - Found a diary page Russian: Unclean leaf - Found the diary page

The Russian translation is interesting because it references something that you don’t really figure out until you find the whole diary in one piece.

🍁Busy with paperwork

English: Busy with paperwork - Found five diary pages Russian: Paperwork - I found five pages of my diary

Not much to commentate on. Though it should be noted that in the Russian translations, typically it either refers to Lodger as a “he” or uses first person. Could be a translation issue, or it could have been used on purpose.

🍁Weaving the story

English: Weaving the story - Remembered the story of the Lost Child Russian: The fabric of the story - I learned the story of the invisible child

I also like this one for referencing the diary more specifically. I wish we had gotten more black and white info on when this happened, where they were and what happened to the other children.

🍁Something in the way

English: Something in the way - Entered a haunter Russian: I do not believe - Entered the pop-up window

Pretty sure the Russian description is a mistranslation. But I’m glad that The Lodger retained his key character trait through translation.

🍁They are legion

English: They are legion - Entered ten haunters Russian: Their name is Legion - Entered at ten o’clock

I’m ALMOST CERTAIN this is another wrong translation on Yandex’s part. I’m assuming the Russian description is the same as the English description. If it also isn’t a wrong translation, I like the title for the achievement in Russian. It sounds spookier.

🍁Open your mind

English: Open your mind - Saw a fragment of reality Russian: Window to the courtyard - I saw a fragment of reality

This could tie in to some theories that The Lodger was one of the children lost to The Program. ‘Courtyard’ is vague, but it could mean a school (like it’s referenced in the dream written in the diary) or some kind of asylum. Those are my best guesses. Cool nonetheless, could just be imagery of ‘looking outside’ that they were going for.

🍁Good things come in threes

English: Good things come in threes - Saw three fragments of reality Russian: In three pines - I saw three fragments of reality

Now I don’t know any symbolism with three pines, so I had to look it up. And according to this website post, this was based on a novel. Maybe. Some people claim that it may have been based off of real life events, someone planted pine trees to signify that refugees fleeing The Revolutionary War were safe in Quebec. Who knows though, another legend to throw on to the pile of growing mysteries.

🍁Knowing the flip side

English: Knowing the flip side - Saw all fragments of reality Russian: The flipside of being - I saw all the fragments of reality

Again, the translations are similar. Flipside could mean something like an alternate dimension, or if we’re being literal and are taking the textbook definition, could be a complicated roundabout way of saying “tomorrow.” So this is either a poke at seeing ghosts or seeing the future.

🍁I was ready

English: I was ready - Managed to hide successfully Russian: It’s not my fault - Hid and didn’t get caught

Woah, can we talk about this one for a second? “It’s not my fault.” This is definitely a reference to the diary, whether it’s The Lodger or his father or etc.

🍁I’m not there

English: I’m not there - Managed to hide successfully five times Russian: I’m not here - I hid five times and didn’t get caught

Unlike the previous achievement, uneventful here.

🍁Nobody home

English: Nobody home - Managed to hide successfully ten times Russian: No one’s home - Ten times I hid and didn’t get caught

Also uneventful. I will mention the perspective changes between languages again though. (I will also mention that this could be translated wrong... again)

🍁The enlightened

English: The enlightened - Turned the light on in every room Russian: Education - Lit up the whole house

I like the English title better, but I like the Russian description better. Feels more ominous and spooky.

🍁My name is Nobody

English: My name is Nobody - Turned the light on in a room before a breach opened Russian: My name is Nobody - Turned on the light in the room before opening the gap

Standard, similar translations, not really a theory to go off of. The breaches are weird on their own and could have many meanings, attachments or symbolism behind them, but who knows.

🍁Babysitter

English: Babysitter - Touched the weeping one Russian: Now don’t look - Touched the lost one

Not a lot to comment on this one. The translations are pretty similar, and the Russian version is a reference to gameplay (and maybe an in game line? My memory is hazy. Just like The Lodger’s har har)

🍁How’s Annie?

English: How’s Annie? - Turned into a doppelganger Russian: How’s Annie? - Changed into a double

If you’re new and/or haven’t checked out one of my earliest theories, you can check it out here. It goes over this particular achievement in whole.

🍁Through the looking glass

English: Through the looking glass - Entered a breach Russian: Sight unseen - Entered the breach

The English version of this achievement is actually extremely interesting. A “looking glass” can either mean a mirror, or according to Lewis Carroll, something opposite of what we expect. Kind of gives me doppelganger vibes. Please imagine The Lodger in an Alice in Wonderland dress

🍁Breaking the circle

English: Breaking the circle - Chose to go into the woods Russian: Don’t go in circles - Preferred to go into the woods

I liked the wording of this better in Russian. Otherwise, no comment.

🍁Pagurian

English: Pagurian - Chose to lock The Lodger inside the cabin and remain hidden Russian: Hermit - He chose to lock himself in the house

A final commentary and then farewell. In English, the game makes it sound like we chose to torture The Lodger. In Russian, it makes it sound like he chose to torture himself. Ominous, I like it.

If you made it to the bottom of this post, you deserve two brownie points. I feel bad for taking so long to put this out, but I figure it’s done and out of the way. I do this because I enjoy it, and I hope you guys are enjoying it too. Next up I’m going to be reblogging some things from @eyesofflora, offering my own commentary, and doing more research on fae and folklore.

#knock knock #knockknock #knock knock game #knockknockgame #achievement theories #archive #long post #man it felt good finally putting this together #Yandex keeps being a pain but I'm pretty much at a standstill with my Russian lessons because I'm lazy #I didn't wanna tag eyesofflora and fill their mentions wheeze #тук-тук-тук

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robobiitch-archive · 4 years

Text

Mobile Rules;;

Mun Info

name: Moe Loogham

age: 21

birthday: September 25th

pronouns: She/Her

faceclaim: Deadpool, Death from AMOLAD, Rose Quartz from Steven Universe, Loki from MCU

rp experience: 8+ Years

discord: Available to Mutuals on Request!

HELLO!

I'm Moe! It's great to meet you. After taking a very long break from the tumblr rpc, I've decided to dive back in, because why the hell not. I'm a freshly graduated college kid who's trying to find her place in this world lmao.

I'm from New York, I have two beautiful guinea pigs named Sage and Rosemary and I'm a witch, that's just about everything you gotta know. In terms of RPing, I've had several muses over the years, from a few different fandoms, and Connor's brand new but I've had a lot of fun experimenting with him among friends and I wanna let him run free out here in the dumpster fire that is tumblr dot com. College has been a big part of why I drifted away from tumblr RPC, just because of time constraint, but I'm excited to be back!

My Rules have been broken up into sections. I will try to keep each section as brief as possible while still informing you of everything you need to know about how I like to run things.

Blog Etiquette + Following

This blog is PRIVATE, SELECTIVE, and MUTUAL'S ONLY and 18+.

I do not follow for a follow, and I do not follow back unless I am interested in threadding with you. If I follow your blog, it means I have read your rules and bio at the very least! I do not send in passwords, but if you have a post that you would like to direct followers to when they've read your rules, I will like it.

If we are not mutuals, you are still free to interact through asks and ask memes. i reserve the right to delete/ignore asks from mutuals and non-mutuals alike! this is mostly out of precaution, and would only be done in cases that violate privacy or cause discomfort.

I will only thread with other Roleplay/Ask blogs. Sideblogs are fine, but if your main blog is a personal, please let me know and tell me your sideblog url! If you RP off of your personal, I will not follow/thread with you. This is mainly to keep my dash organized. That being said, I will not unfollow someone just because they post OOC a lot. I know I have a tendency to do the same sometimes.

But I am not okay with personals reblogging my threads. Feel free to like them, but reblogging anything that isn't a drabble or anything with my "do not reblog" tag, it will result in a soft block. Repeated offenses will result in your blog being blocked. Reblogs make it difficult to keep track of post history.

Once again, in case it wasn't clear: I do not rp with muses via personal blogs. Things can get hectic very quickly with keeping track of threads. If you have a muse, please create a side-blog for them at the very least.

Just as a general note, I am a relatively busy person and so sometimes I will have periods of low activity. I try to be active at the VERY LEAST once a week, and sometimes I'll be able to crank out like 10 replies in one day. But real life always comes first, for me AND any of my rp partners. RPing is a hobby for me, and I don't let it stress me out. Of course, if it's been a week or two since I've replied, there's a very good chance that I've just forgotten to respond. If that happens, do not be afraid to poke me about it.

If I ever want to drop a thread, I'll let you know, and I'll very much appreciate if you do the same, but it's absolutely not required. I don't mind at all, if anything I'll usually ASK if you want to drop it and if you do, that's completely fine. The other option I have for threading is ARCHIVING, for when we have a thread that we want to put down for now, but maybe pick up again later. If you'd rather Archive a thread instead of drop it, just tell me. :)

Also!

All Icons on this blog are made/screenshotted by me or RK800ISALIVE, and my post banners were made by DENICDLIFE Please do not take them or use them!!

Shipping + Exclusivity

this entire section is very important. please read it carefully, and feel free to ask me if you don't understand something.

This isn't my first rodeo. I love shipping. I am perfectly open to shipping. HOWEVER, that is not the sole purpose of this blog. Regardless of canon, fanon, personal preference or otherwise, unless we have spoken previously about it, Connor will not be automatically shipped with your muse. This blog is OCxCanon friendly, and canon ships are fine too. But for ANY case, I ship chemistry If your muse doesn't click with mine, that's totally fine. But please don't try to force a ship on me, and do not follow me if shipping is the only thing you're looking for out of our threads.

On that note: Original Characters. They're great, I love hearing about them and seeing their depth and complexity. But if your OC has little to no history, or if their sole purpose is to flirt with Connor, please do not ask to interact. I've had too many experiences in the past with OCs whose existence is based around wanting to bang my muse and it really grates on me. It's nothing personal, I know writing only gets better with practice, but if you come to me asking to be a detective who works with Connor and that's all the information you have, I really ask that you go find another Connor to interact with.

I will only ship with your muse after discussing it out of character. IC flirting is the only exception to this, but do not get angry if Connor does not respond the way you want him to.

I don't want to have to put that there, but it's happened to me too many times before and it's an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved. Please don't do it.

This blog is NOT Exclusive, but I do practice Maining with other muses. What that means is if we have previously discussed it, and have had enough interaction, my muse will refer to yours in conversation or in terms of relationship depending on circumstance. Once I have created mains, they will be posted in the Navigation tab. Occasionally I may post a mains call, which invites anyone interested to discuss becoming a main with Connor.

TRIGGERS + NSFW

I am 20+ years old, and NSFW can and will happen on this blog, however I will always keep anything that contains NSFW under a "read more" cut for the sake of any followers who are not comfortable with seeing NSFW content.

I am comfortable with most NSFW topics. I absolutely WILL NOT write about pedophilia or incest, and definitely WILL NOT rp sexual situations with minors or people who I have not shared consent with. This is for my safety as well as those who I interact with. I'm trying to get into grad school, not jail.

I will try to tag triggers accordingly as they appear. Triggering content that MAY appear on this blog include:

Abuse

Child/Character Death

Disease

Drugs/Drug Use

Alcohol

Execution/Murder

Gore

Nudity

Self-Harm

Suicide/Mental Health Issues

Verbal/Physical Violence

Torture

Important: mun and muse are mutually exclusive. I am not Connor. Connor is not me. Actions performed in threads do not reflect me or my personal beliefs, unless otherwise explicitly stated by me.

If you've made it this far, I would really appreciate if you could like this post to let me know you've read and understand all my rules. If you are not comfortable doing so, that's fine! It's really just to help me know people cared enough to go through the whole list. :) It's not at all an obligation, but it would be really awesome.

Despite the fact I am comfortable with NSFW, I prefer to be comfortable with the other mun as a person before agreeing to write these topics with you. I am not obligated to write NSFW with anyone.

#;; mobile rules

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pacificwanderer · 5 years

Note

So what if Ben actually initiated a clone army but then a certain someone used them to turn against Ben. Like Ben’s plan backfired because a certain someone made them into a Sith Army under Ben’s nose just like how a certain someone planned Order 66...

I’m honestly more inclined to believe that if there’s a Clone army, it’s something that’s been a part of Palpatine’s overarching contingency plan that’s been in place since after his death. Doesn’t mean that Ben might not have something to do with that, but insofar as he’s initiated it? I doubt it?

There has been a year gap or so between TLJ and TRoS, so there’s lots that’s possible, but clones take about 10 years to mature, so it’s something that would have been in the works previous to Ben joining the FO. Additionally, clones were used specifically because they could be controlled (via their control chip implant) and their ultimate purpose was to execute Order 66 and help the Sith (Palps) take control of the galaxy by eliminating the Jedi.

So, if there’s someone out there who’s looking to take control of the galaxy with an army of soldiers that can’t question anything (and don’t need to be brainwashed like the FO orders do/reconditioned if they step out of line), then the clones would be a dark option.

And, honestly, if that’s the case, I really hope Ben has nothing to do with it. Additionally, Ben seems to know that the clones are unquestioning in their loyalty (hence his dig at Hux “They’re obviously skilled at committing high treason. Perhaps Leader Snoke should consider using a clone army.” (as an aside, I hope we get more snark from Ben because LOL at the “high treason” line). So, he’d be aware that they could be manipulated by whoever is controlling them.

Someone also mentioned in a reblog that perhaps they’re Palps clones, which maybe lol. Though that’s an old EU concept whereby he was planning on transferring to a new clone body via resurrection. They definitely could take some concepts from that. It’ll be interesting to see how weird they get with this.

I wonder how much Ben knows about Palpatine. Dude does like spending time in the archives of the Empire (self-brag there), so would he know about Palp’s faults? I wonder how revisionist those archives are. Would he have gotten both sides, growing up with the Rebellion knowledge before coming to possess the Empire side of things? Additionally, how would he be letting the “past die” by basically doing the same thing? We’ll see, but these are the questions I ask myself and what keeps me up at night lol. At any rate, I think I’m going to go back and muck around in the SWBF2 Story a bit and see if there’s anything I’ve missed.

This got long, so under the cut we go:

This quote from the TLJ novelization from Snoke’s POV also sticks out:“Palpatine had engineered the Contingency to simultaneously destroy his Empire and ensure its rebirth, ruthlessly winnowing its ranks and rebuilding them with who and what survived. The rebuilding was to take place in the Unknown Regions, secretly explored by Imperial scouts and seeded with shipyards, laboritories, and storehouses–an enormously expensive effort that had taken decades, and been kept hidden from all but the elect.

But the Imperial refugees’ military preparations had been insufficient bulwarks against the terrors of the Unknown Regions. Grasping in the dark among the strange stars, they had come perilously close to destruction, and it had not been military might that saved them.

It had been knowledge–Snoke’s knowledge.

Which, ironically, led back to Palpatine and his secrets.

Palpatine’s true identity as Darth Sidious, heir to the Sith, had been an even greater secret than the Contingency. And the Empire’s explorations into the Unknown Regions had served both aspects of its ruler. For Sidious knew that the galaxy’s knowledge of the Force had come from those long-abandoned, half-legendary star systems, and that great truths awaited rediscovery among them.” (TLJ novelization p.217).

He goes on to talk about how he’d been watching Skywalker for a long time and that, once he started to endanger his plans, Snoke sprung into action. He also implies that he’d been watching the entire family and had been manipulating Luke while ensnaring his family and ultimately corrupting Ben and targetting him when he was still a child.

“He had seen his apprentice’s enormous potential when he was still a child–the latent power of the Skywalker bloodline was impossible to miss. And he had also seen how to exploit the boy’s feelings of inadequacy and abandonment, and his mother’s guilt and desperation to contain the darkness within her child.” (TLJ novelization p.222)

How much of what Snoke thinks he was doing was actually working according to Palps plan? Was he being manipulated as well? Sheev is a MASTER manipulator, basically a puppetmaster, so it’ll be interesting to see how it all plays out. I hope we get more details in the third Thrawn book because it also talks about the threat from the Unknown Regions, specifically the Grysk Empire that’s been attacking the Chiss (and would also be a threat to the Emperor’s plans, esp if they got his empire/knowledge). Also, these quotes make me think of the cyclical nature of this story and really bolster that whole resurrection theory–the Anakin one (in my mind, anyway).

NEWSFLASH! IT WAS PALPATINE THE ENTIRE TIME. Or something lol.

Cheers!

#palps #sheev #emperor palpatine #kylo ren #ben solo #long post #tros speculation #sith troopers #the clone army #Anonymous #asks and answers #anonymous asks #ask pacificwanderer

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zeciex · 5 years

Text

Obsidian & Angelite Ch. 14

Oya has spend centuries bound to one single plot of land when one day a stranger with a voice of velvet and presence that can only be described as dark and outmost interesting. He comes with an offer she can’t refuse and suddenly her entire world changes, both for better and worse.

But what does Langdon need of her? And how can she use him to get what she want? Maybe they’re bound by something bigger than fate.

Warning: Dark themes, death, stabbing, blood, murder

A/N: Since tumblr kills everything with links, I’ll reblog this post with the links to previous chapters and archive link I’ll need some extra love for these next chapters since its getting increasingly harder to find inspiration to write. We’re so close you guys!

Reap what you sow

Dusk painted the sky a brilliant pink, the clouds turning a violet hue while the sun sank below the horizon of dark trees and colorful lake. Soft whispers filled the air around her, her stomach turning in strange knots, her skin feeling cold and electric. The whispers spoke in a language she didn’t know, they seemed to tie silver strings around her being, guiding her towards where they were spoken aloud. It happened one moment, they started to speak at her out of nowhere, pulling at her heart and soul. It felt like power, like being put on a pedestal, it made her heart drum within her chest, rapid as a hummingbird. It made her feel anxious.

“Michael,” she spoke gently to the man leaning against the kitchen island taking a bite of an apple while reading something on the tablet. He didn’t hear her, didn’t notice the shift in the air around her.

“Michael,” Oya repeated louder, looking over her shoulder while she wrapped her arms around her form. Blue eyes looked up, dumping the tablet on the counter, apple placed beside it. His brow raised at her voice, eyes reading over her form, looking through the veil of anxiety that had wrapped around her. Did he feel it to? The pull, the need to go somewhere unknown? Did he hear the whispers?

Though worry worked its way upon his face, there were no sign of him hearing what she did nor feeling the pull. He walked to her, the warmth radiating off of him but not enough to engulf the cold touch that had fallen on her skin. When he placed his hand on her arm his touch was scorching and to him she was freezing.

“Something is happening,” she said looking towards the trees. It almost hurt remaining there, not letting the voices guide her, let the strings decide her movements and beckon her forward. It itched in her and put her on edge.

“What?” Michael asked, his voice soft as velvet and warm in a way that was hard to describe.

“I don’t… I’m not sure,” she managed to speak, stepping away from his touch to place her palm against the cold window. “Something is pulling at me and I feel like I have to follow it.”

Michael came up behind her again, placing a soft kiss on her shoulder, the touch burning through the fabric of her long sleeved dress. “Then follow it, I’ll be right behind you.”

With Michael severing the last strings that kept her in place Oya was guided forth on a wave of relief, the air electric around her form. One moment she was inside, the next there was grass beneath her bare feet, wind taking hold of the fabric of her dress, dancing with her hair, while she moved over the lawn. In this time between night and day dew had formed on the grass, wet and cold under her feet. Grass turned to fallen leaves and twigs as she entered the forest.

Though there were no path to be seen it was somehow still clear to her, where to step, where to turn, letting her body move through the space appearing further and further into the forest. With each move closer to the clearing the voices grew but the words were still indistinctive.

Oya appeared half way through the clearing and stopped. In front of her were a figure kneeling down in front of what looked like an alter with a statue of a woman with snakes climbing up her legs and a crow on her shoulder. Candle lights flickered in the wind that carried a sent of burned herbs, an offering. The form moved, standing in one swift motion letting a shawl fall from their head to pool in the grass. For a moment ice ran through her veins when the blond hair got tousled up in the wind, recognizing her sister instantly.

And that is when it happened, in an instant she heard Michael let out a guttural groan that split open the clearing. She felt ties wrap around her form in an effort of constrain her. The rest of the coven had appeared in hooded figures holding flickering candles in a circle around them. Oya looked around, her head spinning and heart violently beating.

Michael had fallen to his knees, looking down at the tip of the knife grimly sticking out of his chest coated in blood. One of the hooded figures stood behind him keeping a hold on the shaft that was buried to the hilt in Michaels back. Every time Michael moved or drew his breath the knife was twisted. It kept him in place while they wrapped ties around his tendrils to keep him from lashing out, if only just while their Supreme took care of her sister.

“Do you have any idea how many you’re killing?” Oya hissed, trying to twist herself loose from the covens hold on her powers.

“Acceptable losses for how many we’ll save on a greater scale,” Ina spoke calmly. Cold fingers wrapped around her skin, drawing shivers down her spine and making the hair stand throughout her body. She felt breathless, finding that the oxygen surrounding her were not enough.

Ina walked slowly towards her sister, the wind pick up strands of her hair and her dusty blue dress ruffled. There were purpose in her walk, her head held high and back straight, the air of elegance around her, elegance and anger. “First I lost my sister, then I lost my father and now you killed the only one I had left. Did you think we’d just let you go? That we’d just roll over?”

Michael groaned from behind Oya, his hands clenched in fists at this side, blood running down his white shirt ruined by the stain. His breaths were strained, hollow and raspy, it made Oya twist her head to look at him. The blade must have pierced his lunge, made it fill with blood that would make its way up the windpipes in a painful manner. She wanted to rip herself lose from the spot she had been nailed to, not caring if she’d be wounded herself as long as she could make it to him, ease the pain.

Instead she turned towards her sisters voice, the fear clutching at her heart and hollowing out her bones to make itself home there. “I believed the fear of killing thousands would be punishment enough, that you’d spend this time with your loved ones as the world runs towards its end with open arms. Call it generosity.”

“Generosity was when we left you on a nice little plot of land, with a house and a well and an agreement with the village to bring supplies. Generosity was when we left you with traces of your power. Generosity, sister, was when we gave you more than what you deserved because we loved you.” The anger made itself known in her voice, drawing out a storm that formed itself on her lips. Crystal blue eyes remained cold as ice, they pierced through Oya painfully in a way that reminded her of needles picking over her skin. Ina’s power was vast, like a Supremes should be, but it was also limited.

Ina’s eyes left Oya for the first time, falling upon Michael’s hunched over form with slight enjoyment at his pain. “He’ll bring forth the end times, we cannot have that, we will not allow that.”

“There’s nothing you can do to stop it,” Oya hissed at her sister, face in a sneer, with teeth bared and ready to sink into her enemies soft flesh. It was never a good decision to corner a predator, let alone one with sharp poisonous teeth and razor claws. The ties seared around her powers, burned like melted metal on skin. It was dreadful and agonizing.

“We’re going to make it as painful as it could possibly be,” Ina voiced and smiled, maybe her goal wasn’t saving the world, maybe it was the simplest and purest of things, revenge. The thought crossed her mind but quickly evaporated when Ina continued to speak. “You’ve made it so easy for us, binding yourself to him, the antichrist.”

There was a viciousness to her sister she had never seen before. One that was created by her own hand just like hers was by theirs. To Ina their mother had been the world, she had been her guardian, her guide, a mother whose love was not limited and restricted but rather overflowing. As long as Oya had spend imprisoned Ina had spend with their mother. Losing her was what broke the fine porcelain that was her and from the broken shards a need for vengeance formed.

That was where she was different from her sister, instead of remaining in broken shards laced with vengeance, Oya had turned to stone, to metal, to something else, stronger.

“I’ll correct the mistake of showing you mercy and atone for our sins,” Ina spoke, brushing a piece of hair out of Oya’s face with a strange softness, to cup her cheek. Ina’s hand burned against Oya’s cold skin. “You were my sister and I loved you, truly. It was my biggest mistake. I should have led her do this but I couldn’t.”

“Do what?” Oya breathed, feeling her fingertips tingle strangely as if the blood in her veins didn't quite reach them.

Ina smiled cynically. “We can’t kill him, not really. He will just return again and again.” Her eyes went to Michael, two angelite eyes connecting, both looking at the other with a piercing coldness, with hatred and something deeper than just annoyance. Blood was not ebbing down his chin from his mouth, staining his soft and pale skin crimson. Michael looked angry rather than fearful, opposite of what showed on Oya’s face.

“But we can kill this body of his,” she mused with a soft smile on her lips. “And you,” Ina took hold of her sisters shoulders, thin fingers wrapping around flesh with burning force, rilling up her heart to beat out of rhythm. “we’ll send somewhere far away, to a cave, to a hole in the ground, to a fucking underground pocket of air. He will lose you and you will lose him and because of your bound souls it’s gonna hurt like nothing ever has before.”

Oya’s bottom lip quivered, her shoulders shook under her sisters touch, body aching from the hold on her powers. The more her sister spoke the bigger the fire within her chest grew.

“He’ll never find you,” she whispered gently and let go, stepping back until there was a considerable distance between them. The air was crisp and biting, filled with anticipation. Above the sky turned dark grey, the sun's last rays shining over the top of the darkened trees before disappearing completely. In the newfound darkness Ina looked more like a ghost than a woman, with a haunting beauty and pained expressive eyes.

“You’d live forever alone, in a place with no comfort and with the constant agony of losing your counterpart,” her voice came out smooth and icy. “And he will do the same.” Ina nodded towards Michael who let out a harrowing scream, the knife twisting into his flesh. She felt him, how his powers were tied down just as hers, how they tugged at their restraints in an attempt to free himself. She could see the fury in him, almost feel it radiating off of him, how he wanted nothing more than to tear them from limb to limb one at the time.

He screamed once more as the knife was pulled out and planted deep within his chest again, the blade fearing through fabric and flesh all the same.

“You will not fucking touch him!” Oya screamed, the searing hot anger she was feeling grow within her chest erupting out of her. It was like a dormant volcano that finally awoke from its slumber. She felt the invisible tethers wrapped around her snap once by one and with each her power grew, vibrating over her skin and warming her up from the cold state she was in.

With each tether that snapped a candle went out, their long flame no longer casting shadows through the clearing. Panic filled the air seeping out of the pores of the coven members while they alarmingly began chanting once more trying to put new tethers on her form. The panic didn’t quite reach her sister and Oya wasn’t sure if she was brave or stupid.

“You can fight all you want, sweet sister, but he will be your destruction.”

“You keep saying that but has it ever occurred to you that maybe,” she stepped forward, feeling the constraints that was still wrapped around her strain. “I will be his destruction?”

Ina’s power grew in the wake of her sisters, two titans readying for battle. “So you shall.”

Though it was not to be seen their tendrils collided, wrestling for the victory. It made the wind bend to their desire whirling in a circle around all of them, tossing up dirt and fallen leaves. It was the start of a tornado, one fueled by the two fighting, one made to destroy the other. The air was filled with electricity, knitting between the molecules and almost causing the atmosphere to light up with lightening.

Thought power like this was neutral, it was the intent behind them that coloured them good or evil, in Ina’s eyes, in her place, her sisters power was dark, it was cruel and evil and it had to be stopped at any cost. It was a price she’d soon find out she’d have to pay.

For while Ina was powerful she didn’t have the blood of a goddess running through her veins, with each step Oya took a tether broke and her power grew. It forced Ina to step backwards, to put distance between them, while her face fell victim to shadows that only enhanced the growing worry.

Trees surrounding the clearing began to break, the wood exploding into millions of pieces flying through the air only to stop a hoover as if time had been stopped.

Oya felt her powers surge through her, it felt absolutely fantastic, like she could breath for the first time. More trees fell victim to her, the sound of them exploding and falling to the ground with a haunting whoosh. She concentrated her powers, turning them towards the coven members.

“I gave you a chance at mercy and this is what you do with it?” The first coven member exploded like the trees had done. “Now it’s my turn to fucking talk.” Another member exploded causing wide panic that showed itself through screaming and scrambling away. They couldn’t come far though trapped by the wind whirl circling them in. “The end is already set, there is nothing you can do to change it, you of all of them must have realised this.”

The shift in Ina’s eyes told her everything, that this wasn’t done to simply save the world but in vengeance. She wanted to make her pay by stripping Oya of her powers and send her far away to a place she’d never see the light of day and know that Michael, the only one she had, would have to fight his way back from death and then to live a painful existence in search for her.

“Do you know what happens to the ones who die by my magic?” She asked. Another coven member exploded into guts and pieces. The air smelled of cobber. “They end in the underworld, in my underworld. All of those who die because of this, because of you and your coven, they will not go to heaven even if they were destined to go there.” Something broke behind Ina’s mask, her eyes watering up at the realisation that she had doomed good people, people who would have had more time with those they loved. The next coven member exploded into a mist of crimson that landed as droplets upon her skin. “I will make sure you face each and every one of them, you have to explain to them why they died and why they’re where they are. You, sweet sister, have to tell them that you doomed them to misery because of vengeance, not because you expected to save the world. This was a suicide mission from the start.”

Screaming they went to their deaths, becoming nothing more than bone and flesh and blood upon the grass, a mist of red spraying over Oya’s skin and painting her red. Death lingered in the air thick enough to be cut through. With each step she took she came closer to her sister. By the time she was in front of her, dark and crimson against light and blue, Oya was all but dripping with blood. The coven member that had wielded the knife exploded behind Michael, his bits and pieces spilling over Michael’s hunched form.

“Do you know of the story of Inanna’s descent into hell?” Oya brushed a blond piece of hair out of her sisters face, her touch leaving a bloody stain on her pale skin. “ When Ereshkigal ascended the throne of the underworld her baby sister sees how powerful she had become and decides that she’d want to extend her powers there too, so she travels to the gates of the underworld.” Water spilled over the edge of her sisters eyes, traveling down her skin and dripping from her chin. “Ereshkigal knew of this and sought to bold each gate so that Inanna couldn’t get through unless she shed a piece of clothing. After passing through the seven gates Inanna was naked and powerless standing before the throne of the goddess Ereshkigal, there she was judged and found guilty. Do you know what happened to her?”

“She was struck dead and hung on a hook for the underworld to see,” Ina finished. A defiance flared up in her, the spite something Oya knew of very well. “But she was also brought back to life and freed.”

“A thing that will not happen to you,” Oya responded coldly. Tears climbed up Ina’s arms and legs, skin breaking apart and clearing the way for blood to spill out. Pain bloomed on her face like the flowers of spring, though it was all the more sinister and cruel.

Oya’s eyes turned red, shadows forming on her face that made her look like a haunting goddess of death, like something entirely ancient.

“You fool yourself, sister, if you think he loves you,” Ina commented, blood pouring out of her mouth while the cracks of her skin climbed up her body, up her neck, over her face. “He cannot love. You will come to know this.”

“And you will come to know you’re wrong, like you’ve always been,” Oya said and let her powers tear the soul out of her sister. Blond hair stained with blood turned black as ink, her pupils exploding into blue and white before the blue also fell victim to the black. One last breath left her, light as a feather and barely noticeable.

With a thud her sisters body fell to the ground, porcelain skin broken apart with blood spilling from the cracks. The grass was painted a dark crimson, human remains scattered across the clearing. The wood that was frozen in time was released from its hold, joining the remains on the grass while thick trunks came crashing down taking everything with it in its path to the ground.

Oya remained there, out of breath and clutching her dress with sticky fingers. Her powers had been exserted, leaving only the tiniest whisper of its greatness behind. The fear that had hollowed out her bones and made home there was replaced with an exhaustion that words could not tell of. Her whole body ached, pulsated like an open wound.

And then she heard him, the gugal sound of his breath drawing her attention from what was before her, what was brewing up a storm in her mind and turning it towards him.

Without a second though she turned and ran to Michael, falling to her knees beside him and took his face in her hands forcing his blue eyes to hers. “Michael! Michael!”

With her mind racing so fast that no proper thought would stick and no logical sense was left, she grabbed Michaels ruined clothes tightly, holding him to her as she focused the whispers of the power that coursed through her blood to move them from the clearing and into her bathroom.

Nothing, she couldn’t grasp the little power that was left. Panicked she held Michael’s face between her hands, thumb brushing lovingly over the red painted skin. “M-Michael, can you move us to my bathroom?”

Michael nodded, extending his powers with a feverish touch that set the bodies spread across the clearing aflame just before wrapping them both in his tendrils and moving them out of the cold and into the warm familiar setting of Oya’s bathroom. In an attempt to get the knife out of his back Michael twisted and found that it was too far from his grasp, instead he tried to calm Oya, shushing her and brushing her hair out of her face.

“Oya-Oya look at me,” Michael spoke with soft but raspy voice. “The knife in my back.”

She understood immediately, cursing at herself for not thinking of it sooner. On her knees she scooted closer to his back, wrapping her shaking fingers around the hilt and pulled. To her surprise she had to use more force than she thought she would, inching the knife through Michaels body as he let out pained groans, rolling his neck in agony or was it annoyance?

Blood poured from the wound, the blade completely soaked with the crimson liquid. The blade skittered across the floor as she threw it from her hands, blood splattering onto the surrounding tiles. Oya stood quickly, running past Michael and into her room. “I have something that- that will help you with the pain!” She yelled over her shoulder, ripping open the old doctors chest Michael had given her for her many potions. The glass clincked against one another as her hands frantically ran over them trying to find that one potion. Bottles with different kinds of liquids were pulled up recklessly and tossed to the side when they didn’t carry the right name written on the side.

When she finally found the bottles she was looking for she ran back to the bathroom and found Michael standing, head crooked to the side while he observed himself in the mirror, hands carelessly pushing at the ripped hole in his shirt.

“I won't be needing that,” he smirked at her gabing face through the mirror. “It will take a lot more than that to hurt me.”

Michael turned to Oya taking her face in his hands and placing a soft kiss on top of her head. She looked tired, exhausted really. And maybe that was why she had panicked as if he was a normal human. But Michael was anything but normal, this was a testimony to that. Most witches wouldn’t be able to get up after that, let alone heal themselves the way he had.

“You scared me,” she whispered barely loud enough for herself to hear. They could have destroyed this body of his, made it harder for him to return. They could have banished his soul to wander limbo, the inbetween. If that had happened all would have been lost, he would have a hard time getting back and she… She would have been somewhere cursed, beyond his reach.

Michael didn't respond, maybe he didn't hear, all he did was place another soft kiss on her head before turning from her to button down his shirt. Oya placed the bottles on the counter top, using it to lean against while she looked at herself in the mirror.

Between the two of them Michael was the most crimson, his hair had turned red, both his back and chest messy with his own blood, while his shoulders was stained with the blood that had seeped through his shirt from the coven member that had exploded into bits and pieces while towering above his kneeling from.

Oya however looked like a painting. Her sun touched skin now pale with exhaustion, splattered with red dots and lines to remind her of what was done. The fingers on her hands were soaked with blood that was a mix of Michaels and the covens.

“Have you noticed the pattern of ruined articles of clothing wherever you go?” Michael spoke with a mischievous gleam in his eyes.The faucet began to pour water into the tub, slowly filling it up. “After you’ve come here you’ve managed to ruin more clothe that I ever have. It’s becoming quite expensive.”

“You don’t mind though,” she stated with an amused tug on her lips, pushing the pink straps of the dress from her shoulders to let it pool at her feet. Out of the corner of her eye she watched him, the curve of his collarbones, the painted skin of his toned body, all the way down and up again, while she pinned her hair up in a messy bun, small strands and curls escaping her lazy fingers. She watched Michael turn and get in the hot water before she herself came to stand by the side of the tub.

“We also always manage to become bloody messes and end up in my bathroom,” Oya mused, picking up a bowl by the tub and filling it with water. Michael moved forward in the tub, allowing Oya to use the back of it as a seat while she poured water through his hair. The water was stained with blood quick enough, with each pour over Michael's head the water at her feet became a deeper and deeper red. It seemed like blood clinged to his golden locks, refusing to be washed out. Would her own hands ever become clean of blood? Her sisters blood.

Oya clinged to Michael, focusing on cleaning him up rather than get lost in the many thoughts and doubts that was beginning to claw at her mind. Warmth radiated off of the boy who sat ever so calmly, relishing in the touch of his lover, embraced by the warm and cleaning water.

“I think I’ve poured water over your head fify times but the blood just wont come out,” Oya complained loudly, pouring water over his head once more and then using her fingers to shift his golden locks.

Though she couldn’t see him, she could hear the smile in his voice when he spoke. “You did explode a man right beside me. I’ve never seen such raw power unleashed, it was quite something.”

“If I hadn’t exploded him this body of yours would be gone forever,” Oya playfully bit back, deciding that the water that ran through his hair was clean enough, meaning there were not much if any blood left. The bowl was placed beside the rub and replaced with a sponge. She cleaned off his back with light touches.

“My father wouldn’t have let them,” Michael hummed.

“It didn’t seem like that.”

“I wanted to see how things played out,” Michael confessed. Oya stilled behind him, withdrawing her hands from his body and stepped quietly out of the tub to kneel at its side. Michael leaned back, revealing the lines the water had carved across his face in the blood and those blue eyes that was ever so observant, reading into her every move. He watched her to figure out how she’d react.

And maybe if it had been any other time she’d have cursed him out, thrown some stuff aimed at his head or shove his head under water until there was no air left in him lungs. Instead she continued to wash the blood off him, first his face and then his chest, until there was nothing left but soft skin.

“You could have prevented it all?” Michael took the hand that held the sponge and held it, motioning with his head for her to join him in the tub.

Without a second though she did. The water embraced her with warmth, cleaning off her skin. She stopped the faucet from running any more, plucking the hole in the bottom to ensure the water remained where it should. Michael calmly drew the sponge over her skin, ridding her of bloodspeckles and dirt.

“No,” He admitted. “Not all.”

Her bones felt like glass, joints grading against each other every time she moved, every cell in her body screaming out for sleep, for rest. Everything hurt, even his touch. The pain kept her conscious, it was as dull as it was piercing. With the streams of water she could have slipped away, sink below the surface and towards sleep.

Then she felt him, wrapping his arm around her waist to pull her to his chest, placing a soft kiss on her shoulder. She leaned against him, rested her head on his chest and closing her eyes to revel in the feeling of his skin against hers. He was warmer than the water.

“You were like the moon on a starless sky,” he told her with that velvet voice she had grown so accustomed to. “Beautiful.”

“It wasn’t beautiful, I thought you were going to die, that-that,” she began trying to figure out where her thought was really going. Tears began to press at her eyes, threatening to spill over and join the water the two of them were sitting in. “That I was going to be stripped of everything I am and send away to some wretched place.” She licked her lips and closed her eyes. Michaels fingers gently brushed along the skin of her thigh, whirling up the warmth in the surrounding water.

“They were wrong,” she spoke. “They thought that separating us would stop the world from ending but you’d drop the bombs anyway, weather it’d kill me or not.”

Michael didn’t speak, he neither confirmed nor denied it because it wasn’t needed. They both knew that he would. The bombs would be dropped, maybe at a later date, after he had scoured the earth, searched it high and low and still stand alone. Then he’d drop them and the fire would not only wipe out mankind but also claim her life.

The end was invenedable. No matter what happened between now and then was mere instanced and decisions, the end was set.

“How do you feel?” Michael asked. How was she supposed to answer that? What she felt was a hurricane of emotions all the while also feeling numb. The only thing that was definitative was the aching pain in her body.

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

“You’ve spent centuries having only one future, you’ve only thought about your revenge and how you’d take it if you were ever to be released. And when you were it was your only goal, weather you knew if they were alive or not,” he mused with the same drawl she found so intriguing. “In Venice you showed your mercy, you gave them time while it was also revenge. You knew it wasn’t over, it wouldn’t be over before the bombs dropped but now… Now everything you’ve wished for is done.”

Oya moved away from Michael, turning in the tub so that she could look upon his face. A tear made its way down her cheek, he watched it drop and wished to pick it up and taste the salt, the raw emotion she was feeling, but he didn't.

“You’re not only mourning the death of your sister but also the end to your vengeance.”

“What am I to do now? The one thing I’ve wanted to achieve in centuries, my one goal, has been done. I never imagined that freedom would feel so… hollow.” Admitting to it was far harder than it would seem. Being victor was as rewarding as it was lonesome, as if she had reached the mountain top and was now looking at the horizon knowing that she was now without reason.

“I don’t know what to do now, Michael.”

Michael brushed a stray piece of hair out of her face, swiping it behind her ear in one swift move, his finger brushing against her cheek in a loving way. “I can give you a new purpose, if that’s what you want.”

“It is,” she breathed, feeling electricity shoot out from his fingertips into her. Her heart fluttered at the feeling. It was warm and familiar and welcome.

“I need someone by my side who I can trust, someone who’d build this new world with me. You’re already that someone, you were the moment we met, the moment we bound our souls,” as he spoke his blue eyes seemed aflame, flickering in the moonlight that shined in through the window. She saw herself reflected in them, so small and without meaning, then blooming into something more, better. They had spoken about it many times before. To stand by each other's side in this new world, to build it and rule it together. “Let this new world be your purpose.”

“I will give you all that I can. I will grow this new world of ours,” she promised. Now it was her turn to reach for him, caressing his cheek and placing a soft and gentle kiss on his lips before turning around and leaning back against him. Though she couldn’t see him, she knew he was smiling. Somewhere within his chest, where most thought would be an empty hole or rotting black heart, was a very human heart, that fluttered at her promised and quickened its pace when she leaned against him.

Born of life and death Michael had always been caught in between. He had brought on more death than life and would bring on much more, and from death life would spring, a new cycle would begin and just maybe, there would begin to be more life than death in his existence.

Many times he had been called a monster, to have been seen as something less that human. He considered it his punishment for the life he was given. But just maybe it was the opposite, that Michael was more human than anyone ever realised. Even behind the facade he had created for himself. Humanity was afterall the greatest thing to exist and quite possibly god's biggest mistake. Humanity and the human condition was a puzzle never to be solved, it intrigued him as much as it infuriated him.

Like him Oya was born with a link to the grave. She had killed more than he had but less that he will. But she had also brought more life into this world, nature spoke to her in a way it never had to him. She would from that in which life could grow and just maybe in that he could find merciful peace.

#michael langdon #michael langdon fic #michael langdon imagine #ahs apocalypse #ahs fic #obsidian & angelite

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bettsfic · 6 years

Text

a third stance on the moral dichotomy of fandom

i have one more thing to say, or i guess reiterate, on the topic of moral purity policing in fanfiction as perpetuated by minors, in a more rebloggable format than my previous asks. what i have to say is an incredibly unpopular opinion because it takes neither side of this dichotomized issue, and addresses, not the minors perpetuating the purity rhetoric, but the adults fighting against it.

first i’ll offer a run-down of the overall issue at hand:

side 1, or what i call “think of the CHILDREN”: there is a large sect of people in fandom right now, mostly teens and young adults as far as i can tell, who believe that taboo works (noncon and underage) should not be allowed to exist. if they are written, they should be flagged and subsequently taken down. these people seem to hold these beliefs for several reasons, the prevailing ones being “fiction affects reality” and “children might read it!!” this stance is the active one, the (literal) minority, the side trying to enact change upon an established and (legally) supported status quo. these people do not separate the art from the artist.

in practice, these beliefs are aggressive and toxic. we see them in rude or cruel anonymous asks urging writers to kill themselves. we see them in “only follow if” and “do not interact if” pages with lengthy bullet point lists of traits and behaviors that are Not Okay. we see them in yfip. we see them in anti tags. we see them in long, poorly researched and contextualized responses to well-meaning pro-”ship and let ship” posts. we see them in accusations of pedophilia for fics and ships that are not in fact pedophilic. we see them in phrases like “abuse apologists” and “problematic” and “romanticize” and “fetishize.”

despite the seeming growth of what i’ve been calling the Gen Z Puritanical Movement, what we see on tumblr is only a narrow view of a much wider issue spanning outside fandom and into the world of art itself. it stems from problems of decades past, McCarthyism, the Hays Code, the nuclear family, for example, and the subsequent counterculture movements against them. right now Gen X has all the power and prestige in the enormous world art, and being the children of Baby Boomers, they simultaneously believe you must always separate the art from the artist, while also widely disbelieving (or having had to learn) that inequality and disenfranchisement have any bearing in the success of art.

“the discourse” as we call it has its roots in every creative field and we are in midst of a revolution in the way we understand and interact with art. i believe, with any revolution, the answer is not in stalling it but negotiating with it, learning from it, interrogating it, and adapting.

side 2, which i’ll unpack below, is comprised mostly of what i would venture are Millennials, and fall somewhere between Gen Z purity and Gen X freedom. and as much as i want to discuss this gaping chasm of beliefs further, i’m specifically talking about the way transformative art is presently policed by side 1.

which brings us to the other side.

side 2, or what i call “i do what i WANT”: these people believe that a fan writer/artist should be able to write, post, and share with the public any creative work the mind can devise as long as it is warned/tagged properly, and all people who do not want to view their art should walk away and not interact. key phrases include “ship and let ship” and “don’t like, don’t read.” the prevailing root of this belief is that all art is valid and important, all art belongs, even when that art is devised entirely by the id. additionally, they believe they do not have to justify, defend, or explain their art in order for it to exist, and most importantly, it is every reader/viewer’s responsibility to understand the difference between fiction and reality. these people separate art from the artist.

in practice, these beliefs are poised to defend of the attacks from side 1. this is a reaction to a movement, an assertion of maintaining the status quo. we see posts speaking to an audience of side 1, pleading or at times demanding for them to learn not only the fraught history of fanworks but also the greater context of art and censorship. these posts are then reblogged by people with similar beliefs, attacked by side 1, and no one seems to really learn anything at all. the dichotomy is maintained. battles end as posts fall into obscurity, but the war rages on.

side 2 holds the status quo, the most common sense. it is the most educated perspective, upheld by the wiser and older parties of fandom, the transformative artists who have lived through strikethrough and boldthrough and have experienced the damaging consequences of the censorship and ideology of side 1. moreover, it is upheld by the actual people who built and run the archive on which our art rests. in this dichotomy, side 2 has all the power. side 2 is the majority.

here’s where i get to my incredibly unpopular opinion:

people in positions of power have no reason to meet aggression with more aggression except to re-establish and assert that power over the minority opinion. aggression does not sway the minority opinion; it only fuels it.

in other, more practical words, we are ADULTS sharing a public community space with CHILDREN, and some of those children have made it clear that they are angry.

why do we meet that anger with anger when we are older and wiser and have all the authority? if a child is having a violent tantrum, do you punch them in the face? no, you hold their wrists. you calm them down. you ask them what’s wrong. you try to parse out what happened and work together to make sure it doesn’t happen again. you can’t expect them to articulate that anger; you have to ask questions. you have to listen to them.

side 1 says that taboo works are wrong and bad and shameful. i personally disagree with that belief, but my curiosity lies in the extreme emotional reaction and value judgments behind it. and when enough people are angry about something, if a movement becomes wide enough, it means there is something else going on, some seed of truth happening somewhere -- a needle in a haystack, an invisible shard of glass on the kitchen floor -- that needs to be found. i’m not saying side 1 is right, but i am saying that there is something in that anger which might ring true, even if the toxic rhetoric they are spouting is not. i don’t know what that truth is, and the point of this post is not to find it, but to encourage us to seek bigger answers about this very big problem.

side 2, you might be saying, they’re not children, they’re teenagers and young adults. you might be saying, when i was their age, i knew to obey the etiquette of fandom. you might be saying, we are not equals, they should be learning from us. you might be saying, it’s their responsibility to know fiction from reality. you might be saying, none of this is my responsibility. you might be saying, this movement is getting bigger and scarier and it may become an actual threat to our art.

and you might be feeling: i have no interest in logically or morally defending the taboo nature my aesthetic interests. i know that they appeal to me, and i know i should not be tasked with or required to publicly explain myself. i should not have to assert that art is separate from the artist. i should not have to endure aggressive mobs of anons in my inbox. i should not be chased away by pitchforks held by my own community. i should not be accused of being a predator, rapist, abuse apologist, or pedophile.

and maybe you know that you are not any of those things, and to be accused of them is ridiculous and appalling, but maybe it still hurts to be called all of that which makes life so dangerous and cruel. maybe it always hurts to have your art misunderstood.

this brings me back to anger. all anger is devised of pain and fear. we get angry when we’re hurt and scared. when i see two angry sides of a wide divide, all i see is that fear and pain, and all i want is to lessen it.

on side 1, we have a group of young people whose only context is the present and whose only fear is the future. i put myself in the shoes of what it must be like to be a teenager in america in 2018, how different it is from when i was a teenager. teen stars on red carpet events in 2005 dressed in ugly cargo pants and sweatshirts. millie bobby brown at 13 was dressed like a supermodel at last year’s emmy’s. young people today have more and easier access to information pertaining to violence and sex, consume media steeped in those things, than they ever have. and it’s becoming increasingly difficult for parents to keep them from that interaction. side 2′s rhetoric around this is to wipe their hands free of it -- “your parents should monitor what you’re doing on the internet.” and they should, they absolutely should, but while technology has changed, teenage curiosity hasn’t. i clicked past every 18+ warning i’ve ever seen in my life, and that was my choice, and i handled the consequences.

but just for a second imagine being 14 again, and curiosity getting the best of you, and clicking on something in which your physical equivalent is being hurt and abused and eroticized. can you imagine not having any understanding of the greater context of what you’ve just read, in art or in life? wouldn’t you be scared too, to know those things exist? wouldn’t you be reluctant to listen to the explanation of them when you are young and afraid and suddenly aware that you can be hurt?

i am not encouraging writers to stop creating taboo fanworks. i think they have an important artistic purpose and function and place, and i value any mind that can conceive and face such darkness. but as someone who aims to understand as much as i possibly can about what it is to be human, to be alive today, i am inclined to consider the various interpretations of taboo art and its potential repercussions.

teenagers today are more aware and attuned to -- and have constant access to -- current events than any other generation before, but that does not mean they have learned or educated themselves on the historical context of these events in order to understand them fully. they don’t have a wide perspective, but they do have their moral compasses guided by the abhorrence of the constant human rights violations that occur on macro and micro scales every single day, and it’s those compasses that place value judgments on the content they consume in fandom, the place where they feel, i speculate, the most valued. the place they have the most power and sway. the only place, maybe, that their voice and fear and anger is ever heard, witnessed, responded to, taken seriously.

being a teenager today is a completely new and terrifying machine made of old parts. we, the adults in fandom, understand the parts but not the machine. how can all the same parts make something so different from us? who built this monster, and how to we destroy it? why is it attacking us when there are bigger and more important battles to fight? why doesn’t it go read a fucking book for once?

that brings us to side 2. if side 1 has the future, side 2 has the past. we see the toxic rhetoric of side 1 and we know what consequences can come of it because we’ve lived the worst of it. we have both the pain of the past and the fear of the future to handle, and neither are easy to cope with.

so what do we do? we either get angry and fight back, or disengage. sometimes i think the latter is the most toxic of all, because i believe it’s every artist’s responsibility to understand the work they’re doing and the greater context of that work, how it fits in their given lexicon of art. they should not be required to defend it or speak for it, but they should know it. inside and out, they should know their art and why they make it.

i also believe, if you know your art and why you make it, if you can separate yourself the artist from the art, why disengage from those who are repulsed but reaching out? it’s definitely my gut instinct to meet cruelty with anger and upsetness, but cruelty also piques my curiosity -- i want to know where the repulsion comes from. i want to ask questions. why are you offended by this art? how have you interpreted it? why are you afraid of it? how has its existence hurt you? if nothing else, it always gives me a broader understanding of my work and how it can be seen, which is invaluable feedback for any artist.

if there is any bridge at all to be built between this divide, i think it is in our ability to ask questions, listen to the answers, and use those answers, not to argue with or defend ourselves or to become upset by, but to ask more questions.

here are two ways this mentality has helped me --

in my old job (commercial finance real estate), i worked with upperclass middle-aged white men who got paid six figures a year to golf and cheat on their wives while i did all their paperwork. eventually i made a hobby of sitting in their offices and asking them questions, knowing they had authority over me, knowing our opinions differed. knowing i had no place to argue with them or leverage in telling them all the ways i felt they were wrong about politics and society at large. i pretended they were teaching me things, showing me the way of the world. i let them believe that, and i continued asking questions, forcing them to articulate aloud why they believed what they believed, hours and hours, slowly boxing them into corners from which they would eventually change their own minds.

in my current job (i’m a college instructor) i do something similar. i sit down with every single student one on one and i ask them questions about their political and social beliefs. often my students are 19, white, straight, affluent, conservative young adults who hold many of the same puritanical ideas as that of side 1 with less of the toxic rhetoric. at first, i was terrified to do this. it was different than my old job because suddenly i was the one with authority. i thought, what if i encounter racism? prejudice? sexism? what if they are fundamentally wrong on every level, and won’t listen to me, someone who knows the greater context of their opinions? what if i end up arguing with them? what if they don’t respect me? what if i can’t change their minds? and most importantly -- is it my responsibility to change their minds at all?

after the first semester, i realized how young they were, how much they still had left to grow, and learn, and live, and that my class would not be able to teach them everything they needed to know in order to strip away the prejudices and narrow-mindedness of their upbringings. i learned that all i could do was be a person in a position of authority listening to their beliefs and asking them tough questions no one has ever asked them. forcing them on the spot to articulate the beliefs they have not before had the opportunity to interrogate. i find i rarely agree with what they say, but i validate their right and ability to say it. to have a voice and space and responsibility in and to society. to think, itself. and most importantly to think through their ideals, which they cannot do if they are never given a chance to be heard, if they are never asked the questions whose answers will lead them to deeper and more meaningful insights.

i have never changed the mind of a single person by arguing, but i have changed several minds by asking.

we have an entire generation of terrified young people who are lashing out, and i do not want to hate them. i do not want to meet their rage and toxicity with fear, defensiveness, and dismissal. i want to sympathize and listen. i want to know more about why they feel how they feel, what the real root of it is, the seeds of truth behind the rhetoric. i want to understand. and mostly, i want to help fix all the broken and awful things in the greater sociopolitical sphere that have built this terrifying machine and dug our moral divide.

#tsatp #discourse #moral purity #ao3 #fanfiction

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