#making right what once went wrong
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Someone fixed the graffiti on this gas pump.
#trump#lol#making right what once went wrong#graffiti#politics#gas#petrol#dallas texas#shell#time travel
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Sometimes i remember a comics moment i randomly came across somewhere, where Sam Wilson mentiones a musical and Steve Rodgers says he doesn't like musicals, to whitch Sam goes "Guess that means you really are straight" and even tho i don't care about Cap America or the Avengers, the moment stuck in me for that quote by Sam. And like....Sci, any ideas if straight men actually don't like musicals or is that bullshit?
actually i think i know more gay men who hate musicals than i know straight men who hate musicals. i've had a drag queen stop me point blank when i was about to sing a barbra streisand song, and i know so many gays who pointedly hate abba. so based on my experience i think the inverse is true. most of the straight men i know are kind of impartial about musicals, but gay men? hate.
my theory is that a lot of gay men don't want to fall into stereotypes, maybe. but thaaaaat's just a theory! a gay theory.
#sci speaks#i'm trying to understand the gays. they are a mystery to me.#i've seen a lot more toxic masculinity coming from gay men than i have from straight men.#i think it makes sense. they have less women in their lives. so they reckon with a lot more masculinity. more dick measuring.#also gay men have some of THE most unhealthy romantic relationships i've ever seen in my life.#this isn't a blanket statement on everyone but just from what i've seen. it's such a strange pattern i've observed.#lesbians? healthy. straights? usually healthy. gay men? universally a tire fire that makes me say “if you hate each other so much ??”#“why are you together??????????”#i have never met a cis gay mlm couple in real life that was healthy. every single one of them made my eyes widen in horror.#i want them to be healthy. please treat each other better.#the number of bitchy bitchy fights i've seen between mlm couples in public that make me so terrified#but i know mlm relationships in general are usually less... affectionate than wlw relationships. even and especially friendships.#just an observation.#i hate to say that there is a definite difference between amab vs afab experiences when it comes to relationship dynamics but.#of course there is. there is. as much as i want to say gender and sex do not matter. it really does.#it makes a difference. it does.#which is kind of why i'm glad i was born in the body i was. when people say “trans means you feel you were born in the wrong body”#im like.. i don't think that's true. i don't think that's true for me.#i wouldn't be me if i wasn't born the way i was. and i want to be me. but i'm a boy. i'm a boy but in the body that i have.#my body is still a boy's body. because i live in here.#sorry this went off on a tangent.#but yeah i know my brain would be different if i was amab. and i don't want all those other issues.#i think the only reason i'm so peaceful and serene is because i'm afab. and afabulous.#i see cis guys and im like.. yeah i don't want what you got.#once again! lucky to be me! i'm lucky. im lucky i have a vargooba. thank fuck for that!#couldve been so much worse off. could've been born with a dick and would be fighting for my life right now.
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#just saw that tweet abt pink days on the set of the barbie movie & i think it made me realize why it - the marketing etc - annoys me so#'margot robbie went around collecting fines and donated them to charity haha' okay. look.#that's just the perfect metaphor for how it worked for us - me - anyone who wants to align themselves with me - when we were girls#isn't it#because you grow up and you desperately want to fit in with the other girls but you don't & you don't know why#but you're surrounded by things and people telling you what a normal girl is like & little-to-none of it is things you find appealing or#interesting. makeup and fashion and skin care. gymnastics and romance. you're told that you are obligated to be pretty#but prettiness has never been part of your perception of yourself. femininity is an arcane concept#an exclusive club that will never grant you entrance#& the only comfort you can give yourself is deciding that it's dumb anyway. shallow. vain. who cares about looks and boys and all of that#idiots that's who#but this is Doing It Wrong too isn't it? because now everyone who has taught you that you will forever fail at femininity turns around#& tells you that's patriarchal oppression and YOU'RE the bad one by distancing yourself from something that always made you feel defective#'YOU may have never lived up to this impossible standard of perfection but some ppl do and actually it's fine to be like that!#hyperfeminine traditionally beautiful women are the most oppressed group of all & finally we will stand up for our rights!'#'girls can be pretty AND conpetent' but that's not what they're actually saying. isn't it.#because performing femininity correctly is the prerequisite. a threshold you can never cross and you know that. & that's fine#but somehow that's wrong too because you're not supposed to make peace w that are you. you're SUPPOSED to want to do it right#even if you don't and never have and never will#and once again everyone is yelling at you that this club isn't meant for you. if you criticize the barbie movie you're antifeminist#if you refuse to wear pink I'll make you pay a fine#hashtag girlpower#(well im not a girl. not a guy either. and not a secret third thing. just bad at femininity.#bad at being a person. and y'all don't need to tell me you don't want me in your club#I've always known that. i just wish you'd stop expecting me to beg for entrance.)
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It's pretty fun for me to play Zelda games in a manner mostly isolated from fandom opinions. Like don't get me wrong I've absorbed a lot of LOZ spoilers, headcanons, interpretations etc. via osmosis, I am not playing these games blind. But regardless of how many spoilers and fanart/fanfic I've seen going through the AO3 tag after playing BOTW was still an Experience because it made me realize that the way I interpret both Link as a character and the game as a whole is apparently completely counter to the majority fandom opinion. Something I was blissfully oblivious to while playing the game.
#Once again I want to become a more genuine person who approaches media analysis on a basis of joy in its own right#And not lead every one of my posts with 'so I've seen ppl do this and here's why I think they're wrong'#I am failing bc I'm full of spite but worse than that I also genuinely enjoy being a hater#But I'm not even mad this time. I dont even think ppl are necessarily wrong to interpret#Post-calamity link as their traumatized little meow meow#I think it's less interesting than my interpretation bc I think it loses the contrast between pre- and post-calamity link#But its not WRONG. Link doesnt exactly get a whole lot of characterization even in botw#He's still mostly a blank slate so ppl get to do what they want with him. The game doest contradict it#I'm just. So confused ppl looked at botw and went 'link's trauma would be worse post-calamity or at least carry over in its full force'#Like u don't think the hard reset that was the shrine of resurrection and experiencing the wonders as a free spirit like#Had. Y'know. An effect?#I honestly just don't think post-calamity Link is all that traumatized anymore. I think that shit was more effective than therapy#It's not an uncommon interpretation im aware but im still shocked at the amount of ppl that didnt have it#Does that make sense or am I insane?#My posts#Loz#Botw
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It always gets me how Justice did not change at all, like, he is not corrupted at all. It makes everything more tragic than it already is. The only thing that changed was his perception, which of course, naturally came due to the change of hosts. I'm mostly taking Awakening Justice into account and how he acts because that is where we can carefully observe him by himself, without Anders' influence on the matter. And his influence is everything on the point I am trying to make.
When we first meet Justice, he is fulfilling his nature of bringing justice to the people he thinks that need it. He is very outspoken about it, and is already ready to take action with or without Warden's help. For a supposedly peaceful spirit that Anders claims to have ruined with his anger, Justice is acting pretty angry here himself (This is not the only time either). This is one of the first things I want to point out that did not change much about the spirit. Justice was always fierce about his cause. However, what stands out to me in these scenes is when the witch calls him out on his idea of justice.
Justice, is that what you are calling it? What of their punishment, burning my house to the ground and with me in it?
Well, in this case, the witch is a demon and mocking Justice for funsies. But what she says actually gives a bit more insight about what kind of a spirit Justice is. The actions do not speak louder than intent to him, as long as it is within the lines he set for himself. In a way, he was always okay with a few… casualties in the name of justice. Even though it is as simple as burning down a house this time. Isn't violence for violence vengeance after all?
While we are on the topic of vengeance, let's not forget the way he is eager on avenging Kristoff, vowing to kill every darkspawn for his cause (I mean the way he literally calls it avenging is enough debate for some people but I want to continue). So how come wanting to take revenge on the offenders that wronged not only his host but many other people, is any different? How did this route did not take him to the road of vengeance but attacking the templars, who are also offenders that wronged his host and other people, is corrupting him?
The answer is of course, that it is not, it did not. There is no difference between those two for Justice, there is no difference between vengeance and justice. Punishing the ones who deserve it is all there is. There is no gray area for spirits the way there is in the mortal world, and we see this clearly in the way he judges Velanna and Nathaniel for their crimes. Despite what I said about him seeing intent before action, now he cannot see beyond their wrongs. This simply shows that if the intent is as clear as violence for violence, he understands. But he does not understand the gray area of Velanna mistaking the innocents as guilty, or Nathaniel taking back what used to be already his.
There might be none for Justice, but there is a difference between darkspawn and templars for mortals. For one, darkspawn are generally mindless, and has no moral compass for us to judge. Whereas templars are just people with different ideals about life, to put it kindly at least. (Which is worse, being a mindless cruel monster, or having the mind and morals to choose to be something else but going for being one anyway? Lol another discussion for another time). Templars are the gray area that Justice lacks the understanding of. When he vows to kill every templar like he did with the darkspawn, he does not suddenly turn into a demon, he is simply punishing the ones that were doing wrong, as he does.
From here we can say that spirits' judgments and mortal's don't exactly match up. Though, there is one idea that seems to match better than others, and that is corruption. As far as we learn from Justice, spirits do not know about corruption any better than we do. Spirit do bad, spirit go bad, right? So, when Justice starts to feel things that are associated with demons, such as envy, he starts to fear corruption. He says he does not want to learn how a demon feels, but he also states that he does see the wishful thinking of a demon wanting to cross the Veil for this world. He is conflicted at best about the whole thing. Still, he does not consider himself corrupted regardless. I think that the reason behind that is simply the fact that generally, the Warden can ease his worries when Justice confides in them. And that is another thing that says a bit about him. He seems to accept the lack of understanding he has in the world, and chooses to listen to someone who does. Though, not just a random anybody, someone he deemed just.
So, let's see. A fade spirit with identity issues and an anxious spirit healer walks into a bar…
When they merged and Justice accepted Anders' cause for himself, and when they went all crazy on the Templars, Anders was scared. He feared the worst immediately because he is taught the worst about possession. He knew that Justice was angry because of him and his ideals about mages. So he blamed himself, called it a corruption he caused. And as I mentioned, Justice is accepting of the fact that he has a lack of understanding of some things. Plus, he was already scared of corruption. So, when Anders, who is an educated mage about possessions and corruption claims that he is slowly corrupting the spirit, they held onto it.
Everyone in their life from this point on, do nothing but egg them on about it, on top of it all. They might not corrupt each other, but everyone else does by pushing them the idea that they are now an abomination. Anders starts to fear the nonexistent corruption more, and Justice is confusing the inability to just wipe all the bad out with sloth. We are talking about a being who comes from the Fade, which can be bent at will and a place of immediate action. This works well in Awakening because we are already fighting darkspawn nonstop, and we are in the middle of a war. But in Kirkwall? Everything requires planning and suspended ideals. Templars bring injustice everywhere they go, yet there is not much they can do. After many years of being held back, it is no wonder Justice is surfacing more and more, itching to fulfill his purpose. Because he was always outspoken, angry at the injustice in the world and eager to bring justice. He did not change, but Anders' morals and his' just did not align the way they thought it would. They forgot that in Justice, there was always a part that was vengeance.
At the end, Justice was one of the most stable parts of Anders' story. He couldn't count his vow in Awakening complete without reaching the root of the problem, which was the broodmother. And he could not do so in Kirkwall without getting rid of the Chantry. Because chantry is the root of the Templars, and being a bystander while you can help solve everything easily is unjust all the same.
Anders and Justice had the same cause, different morality and they were just confused because they didn't know any better.
#going through awakening again made me so annoyinnnng i cant stop thinking about justice#listen i have so much more to say#justice didnt become a corrupted spirit when he went on a vengeance run on the darkspawn#and he didnt become a demon when he went on another vengeance run on templars#but once people were included they became confused#and this kinda goes to show that spirits' morality is all about their awareness of a wrong-doing imo#spirits' idea of doing something “bad” could mean something totally different like they need to be held a different judgment on the matter#demons could be just confused beings with too much feelings they couldn't understand so they became them#if they embody their name as much as spirits do there is nothing they can do about it#they cannot simply be bad because the emotion is not the bad part about such things they are the natural part#the bad part of negative emotions are the fact that they cause actions that we mortals would count as bad#at one point what of the nightmare demon eating away the fears we would be glad to be rid of is so bad?#and justice going as far as a boom for his virtue isnt something we could judge him bad for its just his nature#y'know? does that make sense?#they were right to blow shit up tho lol#im sleep deprived#i wrote this for myself but u can also have it lol#justice#anders#justice positive#anders positive#dragon age#dragon age awakening#me own
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New uni term started and the best thing is still the one guy I met on like the first day who only calls me dude and bro
#i am misgendered like 10 times a day but at least the one guys got it#it still fills me with so much joy#i met him during a first term party and complimented him on his (then pink) hair and told him how i wanted to dye mine again#when he suggested pink as well i went like 'eh when you look like me people will make wrong assumptions ablut your gender in that case'#before i had realised what i had said#got very embarassed about that bc at that point i hadnt really though about being out at uni#anyways from that night onward he referred to me as a woman once#and immediately went 'wait thats not right. are you a guy? are you a girl? we never really talked about this'#to which i replied 'yes'#anyways i was really worried bc i had no contact to all the people ive met last term for the entire break#completely unwarranted#theyre still all extremely cool#if anything i feel more integrated this term bc i have more classes with people i know#fabi's foolishness
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hey tumblr, thanks for recommending me a TERF post "based on my likes." I hope the hour I spent blocking as many people as I could bear in the notes is enough of a hint for you.
#i've seen some shit this morning y'all#like it was one of those posts that i initially agreed with but then alarm bells went off in my head at some of the phrasing#the post was about how 2-year-olds and 3-year-olds don't have a concept of gender yet because they're too little#followed by 'amazing it's almost like telling kids what boys and girls are will help them understand'#so i checked the notes and it was rampant with terfs#the main post was never tagged as anything though someone just posted a twitter screenshot#i need to find the terf tags post thing cuz i didnt have time to block before but i guess i do now#now i'm paranoid about how much of my stuff has been this shit and i never realized#anyway be careful guys it's fucking BAD out here#dimond speaks#tw transphobia#tw transphobes#and like i agree- 2 and 3 are too young for this stuff since the gender binary is so fucking strong#of course girls can play with dinosaurs if they want that doesn't make them boys#but kinds will understand that the more experience and knowledge they gain of the world around them#they barely know they're sentient yet of course they're gonna get confused#but once they DO get a better handle on what gender is then some of them are gonna realize that being a boy was the right answer all along#you cannot make that judgement for them#and also like no harm no fowl if they DO think they're trans for a while? like what's wrong with that??#this shit is complex as fuck and i do not expect a 3-year-old to get it okay?#took me til i was about 15 to even know trans people existed at all and a couple more months to realize i was one too#and i'm fucking dumb like i'm not a good metric to go off of#but even if 3-year-olds aren't going to understand that's where you as the parent have to help them understand it#but little by little#like as teenagers and adults we can just look something up and tada! there's the answer!#kids can't do that yet they DO need parents to help them#those parents just also have to be aware of how they're teaching their kids#there's a difference between 'girls like pink and boys like blue' and 'and your age it literally doesn't matter but girls like she/her'#and that was a terrible example but i'm not a parent so#you figure it out
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#warning: rant about parent ahead#I’m so so so so so empathetic to mental health struggles#like exceedingly so#but it’s just so exhausting being on the receiving end of someone’s self-loathing#and to be clear I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE HERE#you are all my phone besties and I have so much empathy for your struggles and know that i love you all#and wish i could say the right thing to support you all always and you are always welcome to share whatever is going on#and to quote the bard herself i wish i could take the bombs in your head and disarm them#but when my mother gets into these moods she just seems to use it as a way to get a rise out of us#she’s pulling the ‘well maybe you don’t want to do x with me because it’s not fun because I’m a terrible person and you’re scared of me#and i ruin everything so maybe you would just rather i do everything alone’#and i don’t doubt she feels horrible and i know she has intrusive thoughts etc#but that is so manipulative!!!! she then puts the onus on us to reassure her that she is not!!!! But that is not what she wants!!!!#which we then do profusely and remind her that we do love her and we do do things together and whatever the fuck is the problem of the day#but of course she won’t hear it#so yes it makes us scared of her because we are always worried we’re going to say the wrong thing in a given moment!!!!#i just shut the fuck up at all times now#but my dad tries to use reason with her and of course it just ends in her lashing out and projecting all this shit on him#’oh you maybe you actually hate me maybe you want to leave me’ etc#THEY’VE BEEN MARRIED DECADES HE’S THE MOST LOYAL AND KINDEST PERSON IN THE WORLD HE NEVER ONCE HAS#i honestly don’t know how he lets this roll off his back because i am so fed up with it#It’s just so so so so hard because one minute she’s ‘herself’ and the other she’s this inferno#and we just have to ride whatever wave she’s on and it sucks all the air out of the room#it’s like the one and only time i tried to very gently bring up that something she said was hurtful *after she’d brought it up herself*#she went on a ‘oh I’m a terrible person/terrible parent’ rant and it then turned into me reassuring her that she isn’t#i was just trying to show her how the language/behaviour she uses was hurtful to me#so anyway that was lesson learned that even if she invites it i will never speak of it and luckily she hasn’t since and that was years ago#But it’s just… i know bad thoughts can’t be helped and again i feel so much pain on her behalf for what she struggles with#and i wish i could help but there’s absolutely nothing i can do#AND SHE’S GONE OFF ALL HER MEDS SO THE ONE SOURCE SHE DID HAVE ISN’T THERE ANYMORE EITHER
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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feeling like a total asshole today 👍
#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night#i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know#so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD#but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying#and i felt absolutely nothing#idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel#like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just?????#that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car)#and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow#and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago#i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back#not right now#not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week#but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go#and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now#and all i can think about is that i'm anxious#i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know#i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it#bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has#but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality#why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain#like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings#i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it#i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it#i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly#so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language)#is easier than talking in spanish#and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind#but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/#i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit
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I ordered an ergonomic pillow for my mom from amazon and today the app said "ok we delivered your pillow!!" and the picture shows a 6 inch by 4 inch envelope propped up against the door (in the rain) and I get home hoping it was some kind of error but nope they gave me a phone case instead of a pillow. a phone case. and I am disproportionately mad about it!!
#i come home from a LONG day of work looking forward to open this surprise for my mom#a pillow which might allow the pressure sores on her ears to heal#and i get a phone case#which was just extra confusing bc i also got a phone case in the mail today from etsy so i was like??#did i accidentally order 2 of them? from different etsy shops?#did i order one for dads phone too and i just forgot??#but no its in the delivery pic from amazon and it has my moms address on it. it says its 3.3 pounds. ok#i went through the steps on amazon to report i got the wrong item#and i picked the option to 'return it for the exact same item you ordered' and hopefully?#that will get me my pillow??#they said theyll process it once they get the returned item so like#i would hope theyre not gonna be like 'ummm this is not a pillow lol. return denied!'#and i wanted to contact them to EXPLAIN this to them and make sure i was going about it the right way#but they dont have any fucking way to contact them!!#their customer service page is a fucking joke!#which shouldnt be surprising except that the last time i ordered the wrong item (MY fault that time)#(an hdmi cable with the wrong plugs for what i needed)#i WAS able to open a chat w a customer service rep and they were basically like#ohh ok np! we'll send you the product you meant to order. and no need to return the other one!#ugh#and now i need to take a trip to the nearest kohls to return it#idk call me old fashioned but i think when the company fucks up and sends you the wrong item they should offer like#literally ANYTHING to make up for the inconvenience. anything#or even like#have an agent available to chat with you to straighten things out??
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once again on my frankenstein bullshit because i’m sure it’s a very nice bookend but it is baffling that so many fix it attempts for this story are built on frankenstein asking the creature’s forgiveness in the arctic because like??? no??? the only time victor was ever in the position of “hey you should really say sorry to this guy” is after he first ran away. everything else after that should be the creature fucking groveling and saying “hey sorry i murdered your brother and then framed your friend so she’d be executed and then murdered your boyfriend and the murdered your wife which made your dad weaken and die” because in the scales of who’s been wronged more, guy whose father was mean to him is very much trumped by guy who had everyone he loves wiped the fuck out because his son threw a temper tantrum.
sorry.
#personal#frankenstein#i myself love an attempted frankenstein fix it where these two can attempt to heal#or even something where they at least have a good moment before victor dies#but this idea that the creature is the only one owed an apology for the shit that goes down in the story is ludicrous#i feel bad for him i do my heart bleeds for our lil adam but like#what he went through 'at victor's hands' (and i say that with a big ole grain of salt)#is nothing compared to what victor went through at his hands. what victor suffered because of what the creature did.#like they both wronged each other enormously but there is a certain point where one kinda overpowers the other#for me i think that point came when the creature not only murdered a little kid but pinned it on an innocent lady for no reason#like am i crazy? am i dumb or something? why is 'abandoning the creature' worthy of constant self flagellation#but literally decimating victor's entire family and support system of people who loved him just something that can be brushed over??#like no if you wanna make it truly meaningful (and i'm not talking like fanfic here i'm talking literal reimaginings of the story)#then they both need to have a moment where they realize they fucked up and hurt someone who shouldn't have been hurt that way#i mean hell it's not even about the creature feeling sympathy for victor how about just ANY emotion#for the literal half dozen people whose deaths are on his hands!!! shouldn't that be a huge part of any arc or growth!!!#realizing that what he did wasn't right not just to victor but to the actual victims themselves who never did him any harm#god i'm once again mad at the people who have such a shallow understanding of this story
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y’know when you guilt and anxiety spiral and like there are a couple of things that you do need to do that you feel guilty over but also full on spiraling makes things worse and now you can’t do things without feeling terrible
#disco speaks!#like I really gotta send some emails and finish a piece and look at a job#but also I feel guilty for not doing it right away and so I collapse in on myself for not doing that instead of actually doing the things#also I have been skyrocketing in anxiety since yesterday and into today and so I think I need to go on a walk or something to alleviate#that horse skittishness that is trampling my brain and body#it doesn’t help that I have nothing to do cause the school year is over and I am outside less and away from my friends#and then with my friends I feel like I am being incredibly self centered because I feel like I am not being a good friend#and yeah I do need to do better but I can’t use that as an excuse to beat myself up about everything#it’s not like I am doing anything super wrong but also I am not doing things right and it’s making me super anxious#plus I feel selfish for wanting to actually celebrate my birthday with my family#i know that it was over two weeks ago but they called me late at night. sent stuff that was akin to giving someone a candle when they#dont even care about candles. like I liked the popcorn but also when I have I ever wanted a birthday girl sash and headband#they sent me a gift basket thingy and I feel ungrateful but like none of it really felt like gifts that showed that they gave a single shit#about me as a person and then on the call they tell me that we would be celebrating my birthday once I came back but the my sibling went on#a staff trip and we didn’t do anything. and so now it’s been at least a week since I’ve been home and nothing#and so I asked my mom and she said well what do you want to do or when do you want to actually celebrate#i DONT KNOW i don’t know why does it feel like I have to ask to celebrate my birthday instead of you all thinking about it#like c’mon. when is your responsibility to care or think about stuff and why do I have to remind you what you said. it doesn’t seem fair.#whenever she tells me to do something important she tells me that I need to put my art on the side and stuff and which is fair until it#feels like a dig and making what I want to do with my life feel like a hobby or small and insignificant#there are ways to say hey please get a job without it feeling like I shouldn’t spend any time on art because when I do art I feel guilt#and even if I do what she tells me I still feel guilty for doing things that I want to do cause I feel like I owe her or something
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it was too much i had to make my own post
line cook here. ACCURATE
if you don't get the hate, here's what you don't understand.
it takes up to 2 hours to close down the kitchen.
The last 60-90 minutes before closing time you do almost no cooking because the restaurant doesn't have many people in it and you've already cooked most of their diners.
So if someone walks in during, like, the last hour, the cook is in the middle of an industrial deep clean of the kitchen.
(these numbers can vary quite a bit from place to place but i have worked several restaurants with these actual times and the concept remains the same)
Say the place closes at 10. If you wait til the restaurant is already closed to start all your cleaning duties, you'll be there until at least midnight.
More than that your boss knows that on an average night you can start your clean up as soon as the last rush ends and get out of there around 10:45, even 10:15 on a slow night if you get lucky. That means there are plenty of restaurants where if you do take until midnight the manager is going to come up to you at some point that week and ask you what went wrong that night, and you'd better have an answer.
So this example restaurant closes at 10 pm. The dinner rush ends around 8:30, and shortly after that the cook is going to start getting every single dish possible over to the dishwasher because the dishwasher always gets hit hard and late, and the machine runs for 2 full minutes and only holds so many dishes, so the way that works out is if you wait an extra 30 minutes to give the dishwasher all your stuff it can mean adding like 60 minutes to the end of his shift. And you're gonna KEEP finding shit to send to the dishpit right up until you leave probably.
all these little square and rectangle containers in this cold table have to be pulled out and changed over into new containers, replaced by new full ones, or in some cases filled from larger containers in the back, which can result in even more empty containers to send to the dishwasher.
while it's all pulled apart to do this, you have to clean up all the spilled food and sauce and juices and stuff from the joints and ledges and shelves and drip trays
Once you get your line changed over in this way, and fully stocked, anytime someone orders something that makes use of a bunch of that stuff, you have to restock and re-clean it some. It might already be covered in plastic. Some of it might already be stuck in the back to make room to take apart your cutting board counter to clean. To cook a dish isn't TOO much of a problem at this point, but you're really hoping for zero orders because you still have so much other cleaning to do.
Meanwhile the salad bar and appetizer section and server station and everybody are all doing the same thing. Even the bartenders are stocking olives and lemons and sending back whisks and stir spoons and shakers and empty 4quart storage containers that used to hold the back-up lemons and olives and things. Every section is dumping their must-be-cleaneds to the dishpit as fast as possible because early and fast is the only thing they can do to to help that dishpit not absolutely drown into overtime.
The poor dishwasher is always the last to clock out, soaking wet and exhausted.
Around this time you probably scrub the flat top, which has turned black from cooked on grease and is still about 500 degrees. Line cooks are divided in opinion on water-based or oil based cleaning methods for this, but they all involve scrubbing with (usually) a brick of pumice stone using every ounce of your strength while you try not to burn yourself
you scrub it from fully blackened to gleaming silver and now if somebody orders something that needs the flat top to cook, you can either fuck up your cleaning job or fake it in a couple frying pans and pass that tiny fuck you down to your dishwasher (who usually understands, especially if you help them take the garbage out or clean your own floor drain later)
If there's deep fried stuff on the menu then the fryers have to be cleaned out, which includes straining the oil out into enormous and super-heavy pots full of oil so hot that if you spill on yourself then it's probably a hospital visit and if you slip and fall face first into it it'll be the last thing you ever do.
Then you gotta scrub out the fryer. Like you gotta take the (hot) screen out and reach your arm down into the weird rounded pipes and curved areas (so hot, burn you if you brush against them hot) and scrub off whatever is down there
Depending on your kitchen you might have to do up to four of these. Then you'll have to pour the (dangerously hot) oil back in
oh, and if you didn't dry the pipes and get ALL the water out of the trap and tank?
water reacts with hot oil in a sort of mentos and coke way that can send a tidal wave of oil past the open flame of the pilot light ...HUGE dangerous mess and/or burn down the kitchen if the oil lights up.
Unless! If the oil has been used too hard and needs to be changed, it's time to carry those open topped super heavy pots full of will-kill-you-hot oil and dump them in the barrel outside by the dumpsters so you can put room temp fresh oil in the fryers. whew!
The clean up is not just some light wiping down that can be easily interrupted, is what i'm saying.
You might have to do some kind of walk-in duty (moving around 50lb cases of lettuce and 50lb bags of onions to get to the stacks of five gallon buckets full of salad dressings and sauces to move so you can reach the giant metal pots and bus tubs full of prep and get it all organized and make sure it's all labeled and i have to stop now i'm having flashbacks)
THE POINT IS
by 15 or however many minutes to close, the line cook is doing an intense deep clean and probably has the whole stove taken apart to detail.
For some industrial stoves this means lifting off large cast iron plates that weigh like 20 lbs each and are still quite hot. Whatever metal burners are on there, you gotta take off and clean, you can see here the lines that indicate the large thick cast iron rectangles that sit on top of the burners to allow heavy pots to rest on. Those five (each has one front burner hole and one back burner hole, see?) have to be lifted off and cleaned with soap and a wire brush usually, and then the underneath area also has to be cleaned because a lot of shit falls through the burner holes on a busy night.
if you didn't do it when you did the flat top you have to do the grease trap (which can be like a full five minutes and is always disgusting).. You gotta clean out all the little gas jets in each burner with a wire or something so the burners all flame evenly, and sometimes you have to remove some of the natural gas piping that connects the burners to access where you have to clean.
you gotta clean out the bottom of the oven and the wire racks, and, oh gods, you gotta take down the filter vents from the hood fans above the stove.
See all the lined parts along the top of the wall?
those are hood vents, and as they pull air up they also pull a lot of grease and they have to be taken down and cleaned, then you gotta climb up there and scrub where they go before you put them back...
And then there's the mopping and floor drains and...
Anyway, that's what the line cook is doing when you walk in fifteen minutes before closing and order something that needs to be cooked on that stove. They are doing an entire industrial cleaning of a professional kitchen.
In some restaurants maybe one or two of these jobs will be every other night or even only twice a week, but in many, possibly most kitchens, ALL of these things happen EVERY night. You don't want to leave any food mess that might attract insects or rodents for one thing, so a really good kitchen is as close to brand new as you can get it every night.
IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO ORDER SOMETHING ANYWAY, HERE IS WHAT TO DO
open with an apology and ask the server to go ask what the cook would prefer you to order.
Any good server will already know what the cook is hoping for and what will make their line cook go into the walk in and scream. If it's significantly less than an hour to close and they say some variant of "oh anything is fine" they are either telling the lie their boss wants them to say, or they actually do not know what their line cook wants, and you can either use human connection and a conspiratorial just-between-us tone to get them to drop the customer-is-always-right act, or get them to actually go ask the cook.
It might be as specific as "the lasagna is easiest on the kitchen" or it might be a simple guideline like "nothing that requires the flat top" or "any of the sautés are easy" but a good line cook will probably have a system for if they have to make a couple of the most popular items after they start their close, so the answer is likely to include something most people like and you should be good to order that.
but for the love of all that's holy, please only do so at great need. Leave that last 30-60 minutes to the truly desperate and the crew's duties.
#long post#sorry#i just have a lot of DO PEOPLE UNDERSTAND feelings left over from all my years in restaurants#restaurants#line cook#service industry
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Listening to a podcast discussing conspiracy theories and deconstructing the ideas behind them and it's reminded me of the coolest practical lessons in critical thinking I ever got, both in high school, both from the same teacher. One was a month long project on who killed jfk in which we could basically present any theory as long as we cited all our reasons and it got us really excited about research and interpretation, but it was the follow up that I liked best.
Our next project she brought us into class and showed us a documentary claiming the moon landing was faked. Gave us worksheets to do that sided with that stance. And at the end of class a bunch of us were like miss wait this doesn't seem right?? and she said okay, we'll discuss that next week. The next lesson, she showed us a mythbusters episode countering all the claims of the original documentary and gave us worksheets for that, and another bunch of people went wait miss you can't teach us two opposing things, which one is right? What do we put on the exam??
So she split the class in two and told us each to present a case based on each side, and to explain why our source was or wasn't the more reliable of the two. Got us to debate each other directly and use additional sources to back us up and explain why those sources were reliable and should be believed. And because they were randomly assigned there was no guarantee you'd agree with the stance you were presenting, but you had to present it like you did. At the end of the project she asked us all which stance we found more convincing and why, and the majority of us basically said "we think that the moon landing is real because most of the arguments against it seem like someone reacted to a confusing thing without testing it, but when you test it and ask the person running the test to explain the science it makes sense once you have more information. Also, one documentary was made with the help of scientists with qualifications and experience and the other was made by people who don't have that but like to write mystery books, which looks like a less reliable way to get an answer. But we still dont understand why you showed us both if one is wrong."
And she was like excellent. You've done exactly what you should do. At high school level, we as teachers are expected to filter for the reliable sources for you, so you know to repeat that to pass an exam, but if you want to be historians on your own, I won't be your teacher any more once you graduate. Lots of people have opinions and theories and research about times in history, and it's your job to learn how to look at them and decide who you want to trust. This won't be on the exam, but I need you all to know it. You all did a great job following the school's instructions to repeat information you were given, but for some of you, that information wasn't on a reliable foundation. I know you all know how to pass an exam. You're smart and you've been trained to follow these instructions. What you deserve to be taught is how to use all this once you don't have to do exams any more.
And then as a reward for us doing a good job at figuring out the value of checking your sources' sources she let us watch Bush get hit in the face with a shoe before we had to go to maths. Shoutout to you Ms Hannah you were a good'un I hope you're doing well ten years on from that class
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Why must it be 3 am I found a rly good rabbit au Jackie song and I desperately wanna draw smth based on it but if I did that then Id be going to bed at 5 am tonight and Id rather not. You guys should go listen to ofelia by kiltro tho it's pretty good 👍
#rat rambles#oni posting#Me when the toxic codependency that leads to an increasingly downward spiral of two women bending their morals and themselves beyond#recognition for each other only to grow more and more distant because of said efforts anyways#To be clear jackie still has shit morals in this au that is in fact why olivia also has shit morals#But jackie actually is on good terms with olivia for most of the story and loves her deeply#So she does notice olivia's downward spiral even with olivia actively hiding things from her and she notices them both becoming more distan#She gets freaked the hell out by olivia hiding shit from her but she's become so emotionaly dependent on her that she ends up loosening her#boundaries and as things get worse and worse she ends up taking it out on the staff that have been desperately trying to stop olivia#basically taking it upon herself to double down on olivia's downward spiral and jumping right in alongside her#Which in turn feeds into the whole reason olivia started down this path in the first place in a way that kind of makes her actually feel#Crushing guilt again as she's forced to watch the woman who she sacrificed her sense of self for end up sacrificing her own self back#Rly calls into question the justification for olivia doing basically everything she'd been doing for the whole plot#She hasn't been walking alongside jackie this whole time and now shes so far deep that jackie is left clawing after her#And once olivia 'dies' jackie is left behind to stew in her own grief and regrets#As much as she doesn't tend to question her morals it's hard to not think abt what must have went wrong
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