#love always finds it's way to us
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#stargazing#starry night#love always finds it's way to us#naturescapes#constellations#nature painting#galaxycore#purple and blue aesthetic#cosmos#space#treescape#landscape#dreamscape#naturecore#skyscape#dreamycore#purple aesthetic#beautiful scenery#nature
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probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.
we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."
at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.
the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.
the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.
what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.
here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.
#this is true#writeblr#warm up#relatedly for some reason one of our Favorite Jokes#amongst the Siblings#is like - ''this is so good u will love it''#while we are reacting to something we OBVIOUSLY find viscerally disgusting#like we will be actively retching and be like ''nooooo it's so good''#to the point that i sometimes get nervous if someone outside my family is like oh u should try it its good#(obvi we never force each other to eat anything. we are all just curious birds and#like. we're GONNA try the new thing.)#edit to answer why we had so much vanilla:#my mom is a very good cook and we LOVE to bake. so she just had a lot of staples in the house.#it's one of those things that's like. have u ever continuously thought ''ah i should get butter im probably out''#even tho u are not out of butter. so u end up with like 5 years of butter.#my mom would do that in a costco but like with vanilla extract#to be fair we WERE always using WAY TOO MUCH bc we were kids#so like she was right to stock up#ps. yes we were VERY sick after this lol i just didn't want to include it in the post in case ppl had an ick about that#u can tell it's real bc we knew "oh no we fucked up that's too much vanilla to waste'' but our reaction was to just. keep drinking it#> sibling understanding that vanilla extract isn't free > knowledge mother doesnt mind if we use it for milkshakes#> sibling choice to maybe get in a loophole of ''not wasting it'' if we drink it bc that's the same as using it (not throwing it out)#listen bud i was like 13 and my sister was like 9#when my mom discovered this we. got in. A LOT. of trouble. a lot of it. a LOT of it.#3rd edit bc i guess it isn't clear - i am 1 of my brother's 2 little sisters#i am the middle child#out of all the ways i have had to explain a post before being like ''did u forget a middle child can happen'' is my favorite
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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#kingdom hearts dream drop distance#khddd#sora#riku#nightmare's end#mirage split#my gif#i was going to write up a whole thing in the tags about my thoughts on this keyblade#but i just know it'll be an incoherent essay because i can't properly articulate my thoughts#the x-blade must be forged through a clash of light and darkness#but i find it so highly significant that sora and riku can create their own keyblade which is so unheard of#this keyblade isn't created with a clash but rather through harmony and balance#not with conflict but with understanding and connection and love#and i always felt as though that's how the x-blade SHOULD be forged. that master xehanort went about it all wrong#because balance and connections are such important themes in these games#it has two handles and looks so regal when combined. all of the shapes feel reminiscent of the x-blade too#it shines so brilliantly with both sora and riku's symbols. the heart and crown which is the iconic logo for the entire series#also the way stained glass is always used to represent hearts. it's so significant!#and yeah the paupu fruit keychain is its own thing to unpack#okay so i ended up writing something anyway but there's still so much more#i just really hope we get to see more of this in future games because it would be shocking if it was nothing more than a cool combo attack
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When discussing or analyzing Dazai, one thing I hope you will keep in mind when reading anything I write about him is that from my perspective, he is always, always both.
What do I mean by this? Well, I find there tends to be a general split among people who hold the opinion that "he's a manipulator and will always be manipulative" and "he's doing his best to be good and helpful and live up to Oda's last wishes for him", of which, neither is completely right - because he is both. But even among the people who hold to this dual-nature interpretation, I find that his individual actions and motivations still tend to be thought of in a dichotomous manner - is it manipulative, or genuine?
Again, I think it's always both.
Dazai has a very pragmatic view on a lot of things - he is always looking for the usefulness of things and people so that the situation turns out in his favour. He's incredibly adept at this, and his prediction and placement and careful reveals are all manipulation tactics to get his allies and enemies doing exactly what he needs them to. I don't think anyone can contest this since we see it over and over in the series.
But that's not all there is to it. He's not solely manipulative and he does, to some extent, sympathize with others - I think there are several instances of this in the series, but I want to stress that this has been apparent since Chapter 1!
For context, Dazai is recalling what Atsushi said to him a few minutes earlier, but it's very interesting that it should be this specific part of the conversation. He could've flashed back to the part where Atsushi said he had nowhere to go; no money, no food - he is about to trick him into joining, after all, and this is the key piece he uses to basically force Atsushi into the Agency. But instead it's Atsushi's self-deprecation that catches his attention, and it really does, because even during the conversation, he turns to look at him after he says this with an odd expression.
You could say that this makes Atsushi easier to manipulate, if that's your angle, but that can't be solely it, because in the later conversation with Hirotsu, we know Dazai was planning to bring Atsushi into the Agency and set him up as one half of the new Double Black the moment he met him. The panel shown there is the riverbank, set much earlier in the day than this scene. He was already planning to pair him with Akutagawa since he figured out he was the tiger, so what's with this reaction?
Well. Sometimes the simplest explanation is the best.
He manipulated Atsushi into joining with the intention of utilizing him in his future plans. He also helped him and gave him a place to belong, and importantly, he likes this kid! It's both.
I think much of it might be that his brain just kinda works way too fast - he's such a natural at crafting these elaborate plots and seeing how things connect and gathering useful people like resources that it's practically automatic - though this is not a great means when you're trying to be a kinder person. There's an omake, I believe, that has him saying "I like using my head for justice", i.e. using these underhanded means to act for the better. Not great, but those are the kind of gifts he has. He's way more suited to exploitation, but is choosing to use these tactics to save people now, which is quite reminiscent of what he tells Kyouka. Kyouka's talents lie in killing people - when what you're good at isn't who you want to be, what do you do? Well, I expect you use what you have, even if it's not ideal.
Now, about the current situation with Sigma - I think he definitely likes him, and is intrigued by him and his situation. We did get a little thought bubble where the guy amusedly compares him to Atsushi, and you can't tell me he doesn't care about Atsushi (listen to the onsen drama cd, or read 55 Minutes if you somehow don't believe me). But also, it's undeniable that Sigma is in a very vulnerable position of being homeless and having had no one be genuinely kind to him before. His trust is very easy to earn, and with the latest chapter, Dazai has now saved his life multiple times. There is, as always, a practical purpose he needs him for. And I have to be somewhat amused because Dazai is quite literally telling Sigma everything he ever wanted and needed to hear. It's a brilliant means of quickly endearing himself to Sigma - but I don't think that's all it is.
Look. The most honest moments we get in this series from Dazai are, interestingly for an expert manipulator, when people are at their most vulnerable. In spite of every pointlessly cruel act he inflicted on Akutagawa, his first meeting with him was open and transparent; much like the orphanage director, it seems he thought this treatment would make him strong and adaptable (he's wrong but that's not the point of this). He cuts Kyouka off in irritation and says "don't give me that" when she implies that she would fail the entrance exam. He tells Atsushi it's normal to cry after losing a father figure and to feel however you feel, even if that person caused you nothing but incredible pain and cannot be forgiven. He refuses to entertain Sigma's assumptions that Dazai sees himself as a superior being to him.
Selective honesty can also be utilized to great effect; Mori does this, and undoubtedly it serves this purpose for Dazai too. But I want to stress that I do sincerely believe this is all still honesty from him. Manipulation, or genuine?
Both. It's both.
#or to summarize: Dazai is a gemini (derogatory)#<- said as a fellow gemini (also derogatory)#the few exceptions to the always both rule are basically any of his interactions with odasaku#and the bit in sb where he tells chuuya about what activating corruption will entail#most everything else appears to have a dual reason.#to be clear: there's lots of ways to interpret dazai - but this is the approach i personally use in my analyses#so i'd love it if you guys would read my dazai analyses keeping this standpoint in mind :)#i think instead of debating 'is dazai bad' which is seriously kind of irrelevant to me#i'd love to talk a bit more about how dazai is actually quite helpful but also equally presumptuous about what will help people#we could also talk about the fine line between protectiveness and possessiveness with him too.#or about how drawn he is to kind people who value life likely because he's hoping to find answers or a vicarious experience#anything except the 'is he good or bad' debate. i don't like it. :/#bsd#bsd meta#bsd analysis#bsd dazai#storyrambles#oof i never know how things like this are going to go over.
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Off to make mischief and terrible decisions for everyone (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Gaster#Papyrus#Sans#Help they keep appearing#Where have I heard that one before lol#Genuinely! I wasn't expecting to keep drawing them but my pencil kept moving and they kept showing up on my paper!#Especially Gaster but the other two plenty as well#Got to employ a bit of my favourite coloured pencil ♪ I Will find a way to use my blue on nearly anything#Luckily for me they come prepackaged with blue magic so that was easy enough#Wiggly baby Papyrus does Not want to go >:( At least he's not being hurt :(#Some smoking Gaster ♪ I still quite enjoy drawing smoke honestly - fun to get to do so with a character who actually smokes haha#You can see I also added swoopy-swoops to his Lost Soul head - I like it much better for being such a small detail#I think it looks weird in black rather than white but against a white background-#Without them he feels....hmm something. Something old that I don't want#Not like the Classic Lost Soul head tho haha - similar but not quite the same!#I love his design ahh ♪ He's really so pretty but so much of that is in his details! Like the way he wears his clothes or holds his body#I'm always a sucker for that style of turtleneck as well haha ♫#Perhaps his turtleneck keeps the smoke in chest from escaping longer :0 Yet another reason to wear them!#Shot of the little family before things went Completely terrible - before the plates and all that#I'm rather pleased with his hand pose there actually :) Keep an eye on your kids Gaster you've only got the one eye to do so!#And then some silly ones lol - I am desperately curious if animated skeletons would have a hyoid bone#It's not as though hyoid bones are specific to humans! They're just A Type Of Bone! Surely skeletons would have All their bones right?#But in the human skeleton it's not resting against another bone it's just floating there tethered by muscle and sinew#Would it float? Would it rest inside the lower jaw? Would it attach to the neck vertebrae??#It'd probably get caught on his turtleneck a lot easier than like - getting it caught on his neck bones for example#They have a kind of fused canine-teeth-like structure as well they're like a weird set of tongue-teeth lol#It's just fun to imagine ♪ Similar to how the rest of the skeletal body like - magnetizes? to itself :)
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ok not to be insane but the whole tom putting the bidding sticker on greg situ is SO indicative of their entire relationship bc its all about Tom’s desire for control and ownership over something (due to him feeling powerless and out of control in his relationship with shiv). Him putting that sticker on Greg wasnt just a hehe ill look after you way it was much more ‘I own you. You are reliant on me now and I OWN you’. Which is a sentiment that is the very FABRIC of their relationship, calling back to the ‘I will not let go of what is mine’ water bottle scene. Obsessed actually
#tomgreg#succession#succession spoilers#like its a small detail BUT ITS SO!!!!#their dynamic is fun BECAUSE its so fucked up#it also shows toms biggest weakness (his inability to understand when someone is using him/doesnt see him as an equal/will always betray him#whilst the tomgreg and the tomshiv relationships are very DIFFERENT#theres so many ways in which they are the same#mainly around toms desperate loneliness and desire to simply BE desired#for him to feel important to someone#and i think throughout his marriage he has felt undesired and unimportant#so he seeks importance from controlling greg#OUGH im obsessed with him actually#he also cant take the risk that would be finding someone who authentically values and wants him without wanting something from him#hes so trapped in the Roy Web#i have many thoughts about tom wamsgans#i love you mr wamsgans
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Hiii everyone, say, how do your Hawkes go go about sharing their estate? If they do it at all? Is everyone free to come and go or are they more private? Or do they only invite their LI to stay? I'm curious!! :)
#lay rambles#my ocs#oc: liam hawke#oc: lilian hawke#both my hawkes are very social w their friends but i love comparing their boundaries around it#theres variation in rules for specific ppl with both of them ofc but theres still general differences#with liam its all very open and everyone can p much come and go whenever#they dont get extra keys (theyll get lost and he doesnt want randos finding them lol) but they know where to find the spare key#and bodhan and sandal and orana know to let them in whenever#hes very lenient in this this regard but he does have rules abt what he does and doesnt want them to do#mostly its about not making too much of a mess lol bc liam prefers to clean himself#(he doesnt trust the crew with his household and also he has particular ways of doing things and Hates when theyre done differently)#so things like keep your dirty garb at the entrance dont cook by yourselves (this was banned after they did it one (1) time lol) etc#also no fucking allowed. do that somewhere else for the love of the maker he does NOT want to walk into that in his own house#(and it also comes back to liam not trusting them with cleaning but also Not wanting to clean that up lol)#also he is not fond of them going into his room uninvited. most of the house is chill but that is *his* space#he accommodates these rules by e.g. having spare slippers and a little washing basin in the entrance hall for dirty shoes/feet#always makes sure to have snacks in stock that he knows they like#food will have notes abt what to leave for leandra/orana/etc but otherwise food is prepared with his friends in mind#and in general he'll make sure to adjust the space/routine in little ways to accommodate them#(air out when fen isnt there cus he doesnt like drafts; keep curtains open cus anders prefers open spaces; etc)#lilian on the other hand doesnt like when her friends come into the estate without a heads up (cept for emergencies)#but once they have her 'ok' its basically mi casa es su casa#dont yknow. overdo it and get too rowdy but otherwise do whatever#however. she also expects everyone to clean up after themselves. she aint here to play maid and youre all adults#also liam has a general 'please try to not be too wild when leandra is here' and lilian doesnt#not cos she doesnt care but cos leandra is bothered by sth she can speak up herself#oh and lilian uses the basement space as temporary refuge for anyone who needs it (mostly escaped mages)#also side note: both offered gamlen to stay but he refused (out of pride/remorse)#...this got long and i ran out of tag space lmfao so this is it for now xD
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Did somebody say more Hobie GIFs?
No? Well have some anyways <3 (Theme: Hobie and all his hand gestures) Part 1
#will I ever stop making GIFs of Hobie?#no#also decided to split this post into more parts#cause this guys moves his hands a LOT lol#but as always let me know if you guys have any ideas/requests for GIFs from atsv#it doesn't HAVE to be with hobie (but I would probably find a way to sneak him in anyways lol)#also I finally deciphered the note I had written to myself while travelling that just said hand gestures#I had no idea what I had meant until I went through the movie again and saw how much Hobie uses his hands to emote lol#he's so energetic I love it#also I once again slowed some of these down a bit to get a better look at the movement#hobie brown#spider punk#across the spider verse#atsv#miles morales#pavitr prabhakar#gwen stacy#spiderman across the spiderverse#across the spiderverse#my post#my gif#my gifs
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Usopp's constant negativity and anxiety are something useful and "positive" at the end of the day (eg: fight against Perona) because he doesn't necessarily need to change his views, he just needs to trust himself and his abilities more and he just uses what he has at the moment which is, you know, negativity. It is not something positive but it does keep him safe from danger and he will end up being proud of himself and stronger than he could ever imagine, but that doesn't mean he'll stop being negative. It's just another personality trait a lot of people have, and Usopp using it for his advantage is something great, I feel. He takes pride in being like that. He's loud and shameless about it.
Unlike Sanji, who dwells on his negativity on his own. Quietly. And lets it consume him without having any power over it. His self-sabotaging and self-sacrificing behavior often comes from a place of giving up out of fear of others getting hurt to save him because that's pretty much his core fear. Being a burden/Not being able to save the people he cares about from himself and his past. It's not something the manga shows that much in comparison to Usopp's negativity, but Sanji's pessimistic views are pretty much one of the reasons why WCI happens and why he puts himself in the worst situation in Wano.
And I think (this is why I'm writing all of this) that they're perfect for each other because Usopp could show him that being afraid and negative isn't something so bad. After all, at least Usopp is aware that if he can't do something, the crew will help him out no matter what. Usopp's negative, yes, but it's alright because he doesn't go through it on his own. Even if he does look shameless and "selfish" when desperately asking for help (he isn't, by the way. It's actually pretty reasonable to act like that). Sanji needs to learn to ask for help shamelessly too and he needs to stop putting all the weight of the world's negativity on his shoulders. They need to carry it together.
Like- There's just something so personal in Usopp going "Yes! I am scared. Frightened even. Please, help!" because he might not like that part of him and he's trying to be stronger and more independent every day, but he acknowledges that things can go south and his reaction is very fight or flight but pretty mostly flight to be safe. While Sanji's response is always to fight because he refuses to let others know he needs help in case something happens to them (and also because he feels ashamed of feeling weak). Usopp shares the responsibility and accepts that he's kind of a loser sometimes but Sanji refuses to do so.
This is just a thought about Sanji learning that being a coward and asking for help isn't bad because they're meant to do stuff like that, and Usopp growing to be stronger and independent but not necessarily stop being pessimistic because sometimes you just... Are like that. Sometimes you're scared. Sometimes you have anxiety. And that's alright. You can be strong anyway.
#now this is one of the 1289123719834718937981 reasons why sanuso works so well together#they're literally perfect for each other idc#i just find the way oda portrays usopp's negativity really cool bc he takes that one 'negative' trait and turns it into a defense mechanism#against perona i mean#water 7 literally happens because usopp actually lets himself drown in negativity for once instead of trusting his crew like he always does#he won't stop seeing himself as less important than them and instead of communicating that or asking for help he decides to leave#it's a reasonable response when you're on the verge of a mental breakdown tbh but sanji teaches him it's okay for others to help you#which is funny because sanji refuses to use that for himself but that's because he's stupid and hates himself#they both hate themselves a lot but love each other a ton so. great relationship. teaching the other how to love#me when i say 'loser baby' from hazbin hotel could easily be sanuso but nobody shares that specific braincell with me#one piece#black leg sanji#usopp#sanuso
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y'all re-listening to s1 of Penumbra Podcast (Junoverse flavored) is DESTROYING me.
WHAT DO U MEAN NUREYEV USES THE SAME LAST NAME ON THE CARTE BLANCHE THAT HE DID WITH MAG???
WHAT DO YOU MEAN VALLES VICKY FORESHADOWED NUREYEV'S INSECURITIES AND HIDDEN PAST AND HOW "PPL LIKE THEM SHOULD BE TREASURED"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN NUREYEV SACRIFICED "MORE THAN [JUNO] COULD KNOW" TO HELP HIM STAY SAFE ON MARS BC GOING SO FAR OUT OF HIS WAY AND MAKING ATTACHMENTS COULD JEPORDIZE SLIP'S CONDITION
WHAT DO YOU MEAN NUREYEV TOLD JUNO "YOUR LIFE IS WORTH MORE THAN THIS" AND JUNO TOLD NUREYEV "ONCE THIS IS DONE, WE'RE THROUGH" AND NUREYEV SAID HE WANTED TO GO THROUGHOUT THE GALAXY WITH JUNO BUT IF HE REJECTED HIM THEN NUREYEV WOULD DISAPPEAR FROM HIS LIFE FOREVER
#I am so normal about this#also Nureyev choosing Ransom as his last name bc that's what he went by when he thought he found a family#and then he uses it on Carte Blanche where he ACTUALLY finds a family#but he leaves both of them anyway bc no matter how good Aurinko Crime Family is he can never let himself settle again#or how now he feels he's supposed to leave Juno and never return to him bc Juno left him in that hotel in Hyperion City#Nureyev loves Juno so much that he can't understand why such a person would love him in the same way#because he is and always has been so stuck in the past that he cannot imagine a future anymore#not unless it's for someone else#the penumbra podcast#junoverse#peter nureyev#juno steel#tpp#tpp s1#tpp s5
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at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"
like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.
"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."
... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.
and i'd still keep writing.
i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.
i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley
"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"
and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.
it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.
you create because you're greedy.
#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME#there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing#and the writing is what i need to be doing#writeblr#this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to#edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol#i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!!#my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means#i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her)#hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong#i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet.#i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse#i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!!#i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO#i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness#and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it#im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us#i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer#and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art.#i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work#even if it means being miserable#but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.
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Jitterbug
#whenever my meds kick in it feels like im gonna piss myself. not literally but its really really feels like it#and now whenever that happens my mind goes back to pancho (grandmas dog) at a xmas party years ago#bc he peed when we arrived bc he was so excited to see ppl and my cousin had to clean it up :o)#well for better or for worse i know that feeling now when im pumped on 20mg of adderall#im still getting used to this whole diagnosis thing cause ive gone untreated and undiagnosed for the longest time. so theres probably a lot#i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing????#i even set up reminders on my phone for work periods meals and stuff. but the problem is actually getting myself to stick to that to a T#because the minute i slack off or something gets in the way it throws it all off until i can be bothered to get back on track. it sucks#at least ive built up other habits like writing notes and setting alarms ahead of time.. but i feel like i could do better#its always hard to change something if youve been doing it wrong for the longest time. especially behaviour and thinking patterns. sigh#in other news my glasses bailed on me so i have to get a new pair sometime. i just realized i never draw my sona with glasses but thats#mostly bc i forget. id love to get some browline glasses like my old pair but im picky and its hard to find one id like for the next 5 year#i also finally managed to collect all the fish in my animal crossing file!!! pulled out a char last week and boom now i have a poster :o)#THAT was a moment where i almost peed myself for real. id love to get all the bugs but i cant stay up late on the switch :o(#yapping#my art#myart#doodles#personal#diary
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Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep - A Fragmentary Passage - Castle Town
#kingdom hearts 0.2 birth by sleep a fragmentary passage#kh0.2#castle town#castle of dreams#realm of darkness#scenery#my gif#this game is so beautiful and i love how dark and gloomy it is#it's unsettling to see how the water from the fountain and everything else is suspended in time#these lost worlds are all so lifeless and splintered#i should be used to it by now but the sudden upgrade in graphics always catches me off guard and i find myself-#spending a lot of time looking closely at all of the details#it's just so interesting to me to see the locations in these games portrayed in such a new visually distinct way#also this is my first time being able to play this game for myself. i used to have to watch the cutscenes online
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I love getting validated on small things that I didn't even consider like it's always a treat and this time it's Gender
The Fundie Baby Voice™️ has been popping up a lot in ex-christian spaces lately and I actually had one in middle school and part of high school! I learned when and where to use it and how to turn up my southern accent just enough. I can still do it but it sounds weird after 3 years on T. The main place I used it was at church cause it made me sound sweet and polite. I used it for old ladies when I worked at a grocery store too. My family didn't like it when we were just all together cause they said it sounded like baby talk, but loved it when I used it at church cause everyone would tell them how sweet and soft-spoken I was
My therapist said it actively made him feel uncomfortable when I used that voice. He couldn't quite put his finger on why it made him uncomfortable (other than him only knowing me on T) but he very much did not like it and he's so so right for that
#he's a cishet white jewish man so it's always a treat when I talk about something like this#cause it started off about how I felt like my gender is a performance and I will use it to my advantage#I usually talk fairly neutrally and monotone so people find it uncanny when I change it up#especially if it's the way I talk to my family and the church folks that ask about me#Now that I'm on T and had top surgery I love fucking with ppl via my gender presentation#I like the chaos of not correcting ppl and watching them fight amongst themselves over what my gender is#My previous gender was Weird Little Girl#and now i'm Just Some Guy#I don't feel like I was always a guy I feel like my gender at the time was Weird Little Girl#and it changed over time but I loved the performance of being a weird little girl#I was not a girl I was specifically a WLG#And well I still know how to use my old performances even if I'm no longer a weird little girl#I consider myself a guy but not a man and a girlie but not a woman#my gender is whatever is funniest at the moment#My gender is whatever you project onto me. My gender is a mirror to your childhood trauma#anyways I kinda lost the plot but yea I can kinda still use the fundie baby voice but it sounds a lil off#cause I've been on T for over 3 years now#ex christian#religious trauma
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In lieu of Stuff Your Kindle day, can we talk about the issue of how the m/m genre of books, romance or not, is almost entirely dominated by women? Can we talk about how the most recognisable gay couples in media are written by women? Can we talk about how queer men can't even write about ourselves, how we are only allowed to exist when it's from the point of view of a straight woman sexualising us?
Can we talk about that? Or am I going to get called misogynistic for pointing out the disparity between who gets the writing deals, & who gets their books turned into movies, & whose shit gets popular versus whose doesn't? Can we talk about how m/m fiction is only allowed when it appeals to a cishet gaze, or is that too much for tumblr to take?
Can we also talk about how trans queer men are even more hated by publishing? Can we talk about how we get shit from both sides? Can we talk about how books about the experiences of being a queer man, written by queer men, never get the same recognition as books written by women on this subject (barring academia which has its own problems)?
Can we talk about that? Can we?
#booker speaks#no bloody clue how to tag this#this is for the tags only but#people would get up in arms if the f/f book scene was dominated by cismen only#why are we not extending this same energy to ciswomen writers of m/m?#why did we forget about the original meaning of own voices?#why are queer men pushed out of publishing in the way that we are?#& im not just talking about romance here#like there are fantasy & scifi & contemporary novels about men loving men that are written by ciswomen who have a very narrow view of what#m/m relationships are like. & this extends towards stuff like manga too but im not gonna get into that cause i dont read mangs/comics#can we talk about how hard it is to find queer masc authors nowadays?#saying this both as a reader & as a writer#can we also talk about how lists of queer & especially trans novels almost always forget to include anything by transmascs & gay transmascs#or if they do include us its 1 transmasc book to 1 enby book to 8 transfem books or books about the 'trans experience' in nebulous terms#can we stop reccing detransition baby & start reccing the spirit bares its teeth?#can we look at works written by queer masc people that arent just red white royal blue & stone butch blues?#go read cemetary boys#read alexis hall & max turner#read bloom if you like comics. or nimona#read my shit too!#im gonna be focusing on my writing blog way more this year#& im working on some projects that may or may not end up being published in physical form#read more queer masc stories by queer masc authors!
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