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tightjeansjavi · 7 months

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Slow Hands | Chapter 8

“If I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself”

A/N: This chapter has taken me weeks to write, but I am so happy with the final results. This is another doozy, so tread carefully. Thank you for your endless support and love. 🤍

~word count: 7.0k~

Pairing | Joel Miller x f! reader

Summary: Joel tells you what happened to him and Ellie before they returned to Jackson.

Warnings: angst, anxiety, trauma, mentions of death, child loss, grief, fluff, flirting, another almost kissing situation, lots of flashbacks, mentions of a miscarriage, mild alcohol consumption, Joel gets a little shy, hurt, comfort, protective! Joel, Joel whump, mentions of alcohol consumption, self deprecating thoughts/actions, anger, frustration, alluding to past traumas, no age gap, reader has no physical descriptions, reader's nickname is beanie (coffee beans) +18, minors dni! heed the warnings please this is a very very heavy chapter.

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Angie was a real sweetheart. A country classic that you’d want to play over and over again. Toffee butter sweet with pure southern charm. She was one of the kitchen staff ladies working in the mess hall. She loved to cook. She prepared food straight from her soul that warmed the hearts, and kept all the bellies full in Jackson. Her bubbly spirit was a decoy to mask her ceaseless grief that weighed heavy on her mangled heartstrings that were poorly sewn back together with a dull needle and thread. She recently went through a misscarriage. The brutal endless cycle of life in all its beauty and cruelty swinging like a pendulum. Angie was forever grateful when you and Joel appeared on her doorstep with Honey the fawn tucked protectively in your arms.

“She miscarried last fall. Right before the leaves started turnin.’” He whispered softly to you as he reached up and thrummed his knuckles against the chipped paint on the wooden doorframe.

Angie struggled to let go of her loss. She held onto the hand-me down infant clothes. The baby booties, swaddling cloths and the bottles. Grief causes even the strongest people to break as the world as they know it shatters around them. They try to claw and grasp what little remains of that person, whether they existed in the world yet did not matter. Angie took one look at that innocence bundled in your arms and she immediately darted off to the kitchen. She returned moments later with a swaddling cloth and baby bottle that showed the faint remnants of little hearts and flowers. The decals were peeling upwards like a bandaid, but it was a small token of kindness that this poor woman had to offer for the cost of nothing.

Joel thanked her with a gentle squeeze to her shoulder. Tender hands that could bruise, tender hands that could heal.

Angie only could nod as she quickly wiped away her dewy tears that rolled down her cheeks and dripped down the curve of her chin. Her eyes were glassy, her lower lip trembled under the soft blooming glow of the porchlight overhead. She reached one quivering hand out to gently stroke the soft fur on Honey’s head.

A moment of silence followed by the swishing sound of the front door slamming shut.

Oh, Angie. You deserved so much better than the cards you were dealt.

The walk back to Joel’s home was one in deafening silence. He kicked a stray rock along the ground with the toe of his boot as his arms hung at his slides. He appeared to be deep in thought as you tried to meet his gaze. He was as hard as a stone with furrowed brows. Grief was so prominent, even in a town that was built around ‘peace.’ Grief was there in every corner. Every crack and crevice down to a grain of rice. Even in a garden of Eden, grief sprouted from the stems.

“She likes you.” He murmured gently as he pushed open his front door with a soft huff through his chapped lips. “Honey.” He added.

“I hope she survives the night.” Was the first thought that popped up into your mind as you met his thoughtful gaze.

“She will. She’s n’good hands with you’n me.” He reassured you as his hand came to gently rest along your lower back as he nudged you tenderly inside as the front door softly swung shut behind you.

Honey had curiously peeked her head up from the safety of your flannel to observe her new surroundings as you slowly walked towards the well loved couch in the living area. Your knees cracked noticeably as you sank down onto the cushion.

“Y’want anythin’ to eat or drink while I warm some milk up for our little one?” Joel asked you as he padded towards the kitchen. Seconds later you heard the soft squeak of the refrigerator door opening as you sunk further into the plush cushions.

“Oh, that’s alright. Thank you for asking.”

“Not a problem, darlin.’” He hummed soothingly under his breath as he turned the burner on the stove. Once the milk was adequately warm, but not too hot, he poured it into the baby bottle. It was hard for a wave of nostalgia to not pass through him as he slowly blinked.

“S’matter baby girl? Y’want your baba? S’okay, daddy’s gonna get it for ya.” a considerably younger Joel spoke to baby Sarah in her crib. On the nights she couldn’t sleep, he’d fix her a warm bottle of milk and rock her to sleep on the old rocking chair that he and Tommy built with their bare hands. He’d sing lullabies in her ear and kiss her little head of soft curls.

Fuck.

He stared down at the baby bottle that was nearly engulfed by the sheer mass of his hand as his thumb slowly brushed across one of the peeling faded floral decals.

Fuck.

Keep it together, Joel.

Be still, my foolish heart. Be still.

Please.

God, please.

I’m good.

I’m fine.

Really, I’m okay.

God, she was so tiny.

Used to nearly fit in the palm of my hand.

Remember when she would cry and cry and cry?

Only person that could calm her down was you.

“Joel?” Your voice sounded so far from his reach as if he was across the ocean desperately trying to hone in the almost sweet music of your voice. Not here, not now. Please. He couldn’t shake the feeling of crisp trepidation as he slowly sunk down to his knees in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Breathe.

In and out.

Through your nose, out through your mouth.

Y’can do it.

She was so tiny. So pure. She was my babygirl.

He wanted to scream. He wanted to wail and throw his fists up towards the heavens but instead he sat in stoic silence as his ears rang like a mocking symphony that had him cowering from the harsh reality that he was presently facing.

“Joel?..” There you were again, but closer. Much closer as you went to investigate. The sight that laid before you took your breath away in a morbid fashion. Joel Miller on his knees looking like a man that had the weight of the world constantly pushing down on his aching shoulders. He was vulnerable in this state. He looked ten times smaller with his chin tightly tucked into his collarbone as if he was trying to appear as small as physically possible.

Your heart split in two to see him in this state as you slowly sank down to your knees in front of him. Grief was indescribable. It gnawed at a person with jagged teeth and sharp claws. A constant reminder that what you once held in your grasp, was no longer attainable. It was ripped from the roots, dry and brittle as precious life is stolen so swiftly.

His lips moved as he struggled to speak. To say anything, but nothing. No words could be formed as he stared down at the bottle in his hand. The slightest flinch from your unsuspecting touch upon his cheekbones as the palms of your hands gently caressed his face. “You okay?..” You asked in a hushed tone, keeping the octave of your voice level and gentle.

“No.” He murmured in defeat as his freehand slowly traveled up the length of your arm before resting along your cheek with the utmost delicate care.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You wanted to give him that choice. The open space to speak his feelings only if he chose to.

“Dunno. I jus’ needed to sit down.” He confirmed with a soft wheeze as he squeezed his eyes shut tightly.

“That’s okay, Joel. Sitting is good. It’s alright to rest. I’m right here.” You were, and you weren’t going anywhere.

“She was jus’ so tiny. Tiniest lil bean. With the cutest toes. A button nose. Used to have to give her a bottle at night when she couldn’t sleep. Would sit with her in the rockin’ chair for hours, singin’ her lullabies.” He croaked out as his chin slowly lifted as his dull faded eyes met yours.

You knew he was speaking of Sarah, and you also recognized his silent desperation for comfort. The baby bottle clutched in his trembling hand was the root cause for his current episode. Loss was so difficult to rationally explain sometimes. It was something that couldn’t be journalized as being the same for every person, because every single human being reacted in a different way. Loss was universal, and inevitable, but dealing with the grief that followed was structurally diverse in its nature.

“She was one lucky baby, getting to have you as her father. She loves you so much, Joel. She’s right here.” You slowly dropped one of your hands down from his face and gently rested it against the left side of his chest, right where his heart lay. “She’s always going to be right here.”

“Jus’ miss her so much. S’been creepin’ up on me lately. Feel like I’m seein’ her everywhere.” He felt discouraged as he slowly shook his head with a heavy sigh. “Thank you for being here with me. You don’t understand how much that means to me. To have..someone jus’ understand me.”

“I know how much you miss her, Joel. It’s better to let yourself feel everything instead of bottling it all up. I know how much it means to you. I’ll always be here to listen, for as long as you’ll have me.”

Hope to have you till the end of my days.

“Should–should probably give this to Honey before it gets too cold..” He trailed off as his thumb gently brushed across your cheekbone.

“Do you want to give it to her?..I bet she’d love it if you did. After all, you are the one who saved her.” You offered purely to encourage him only if he desired to.

“I’d love that. Help me up? Knees are feelin’ a little stiff.”

“Mine too.” You murmured as you slowly stood up and offered him your hand.

A ghost of a smile crossed over his features as he grasped your hand in his and pulled himself up from the floor.

He followed you into the living room where Honey was curled up in a fluffy little ball on the end of the couch. Her head perked up when she could smell the milk in the bottle as she struggled to stand on wobbly legs. Joel was right there to aid her as he gently scooped her up under his arm. Her fluffy little white tail wagged excitedly as she let out soft little bleating noises that sounded more like squeaks if anything.

“S’alright, baby. Got your bottle right here f’ya. Daddy’s got it for ya.” He softly cooed to the tiny creature.

You swore you saw a silent tear trail down his weathered cheek when Honey began to nurse from the baby bottle all the while he was gently petting down her tawny colored ears, and humming under his breath soothingly.

When Honey had consumed every last drop from the bottle she curled up right against Joel’s chest. She felt safe in the presence of you and Joel, which was quite obvious from the way she made herself right at home. Joel was careful to not disturb the sleeping creature as he reached his arm over and set the now empty bottle onto the nearby coffee table. The two of you fell into a comfortable relaxed silence, until the rumbling of Joel’s stomach interrupted it. The last meal he had was around breakfast time, and there wasn’t much substance to it. A cup of coffee, slightly rubbery scrambled eggs, and toast with butter. His appetite had been long forgotten since he and Tommy had stumbled upon the gruesome scene of the deceased doe while on patrol. Time seemingly had gone by in a whirlwind, and judging by the late evening light, it was far past dinnertime.

He shifted uncomfortably when his stomach rumbled again. This time it caught your attention from where you were sitting on the opposite end of the couch. You were currently reading one of Joel’s many coffee table books. Exploring Space, Dinosaur facts, The American Mustang, Woodworking for Dummies. You had chosen The American Mustang, and as soon as you heard his stomach grumble for the 5th time, you gently closed the book with your finger holding the page down before you looked over at him.

“Did you eat today, Joel?”

“Jus’ a bite of breakfast this mornin.’ Coffee, toast, and slightly rubbery eggs. Had the pan on a bit too high.” He softly responded as he lifted his chin slightly in your direction.

“I didn’t have much to eat today either. I could make us something?”

“Darlin,’ you ain’t gotta do that. You’re my guest after all. It wouldn’t be right if I just let ya cook f’me.” He was already attempting to gently lift Honey from her curled up position on his chest when you reached your hand out and gently grasped his forearm.

“Joel, it’s okay. I really don’t mind at all. We both should eat something.” You gave his forearm a reassuring squeeze before you pushed yourself up from the couch.

His eyes slowly followed your movements into the kitchen as he let out a deep sigh. “Y’know, it’s times like these where I wish that takeout still existed. What I wouldn’t do for a pizza right now.” He mumbled as he pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

“Dominos, or Papa Johns? You better answer wisely, Miller.” You peeked your head around the corner with a playful smile playing on your lips.

“S’that even a question? Papa Johns. I’d order extra of those goddamn garlic sauces because the amount they gave you was truly never enough. I wish they would have started selling it in tubs or somethin.’” He stifled a chuckle. “Dominos was a last minute resort that I regretted every goddamn time.”

“That garlic dipping sauce was to die for. There was also that really good family owned pizza place on Main Street. Napoli Per Tutti I think is what it was called? They had the best Neapolitan pizza that I ever had the pleasure of trying.” You chatted casually as you opened his fridge.

“Darlin,’ you’re killin’ me over here with all this pizza talk. I actually never tried that place before. Sarah mentioned it a few times, but we Millers like to stick to our roots.” He chimed in as he managed to very carefully, and very gently, move Honey off of his chest and onto the couch where he then proceeded to cocoon her in a blanket that was draped across the armrest of the couch.

“I don’t know the first thing about making a Neapolitan pizza, but I can certainly try? That’s assuming that you have all the basic ingredients of course.” You could hear the wooden floorboards creak under the weight of his feet as you slowly turned around with your arms across your chest. “Just couldn’t stay away, huh?”

He sheepishly grinned and rubbed the back of his neck with a slight shrug of his shoulders. “Can’t stay away when there’s pizza involved, darlin.’”

“Fair enough. All we’ll need for the dough is flour, yeast, water, salt, and I think olive oil?”

“Well, we definitely have flour..water and salt. Olive oil maybe, but does it expire? I haven’t done much cookin’ around here lately so I really don’t know what I've got in the cupboards.” He stepped around you with his arm just barely grazing yours as he opened up one of the many cupboards in the kitchen. “I’ll be damned. Guess we do have yeast and olive oil jus’ layin’ around here.” He reached for the packet of yeast and the bottle of olive oil before setting them down on the counter.

There was something oddly comforting for the two of you to be putzing around the kitchen like an old married couple. You fit right into Joel’s domestic budding life without even grasping the idea of it just yet. You worked together at making the dough, but once it came down to the kneading part, you let Joel take over. Maybe it was your cheeky plan all along to see his hands at work, or perhaps it was totally innocent. Regardless, it was hard to not let your wandering eyes drift across his exposed skin where he had rolled up the sleeves of his flannel revealing strong, veiny forearms. Some areas of his skin were littered in scars, and indentations from years of survival, but his hands were the main part of the show. Strong, weathered, yet gentle as he didn’t want to knead the dough too much. The tendons in his fingers flexed as his eyes drifted upwards towards you.

Gotcha.

“Like what ya see?” He rasped with a teasing grin.

Fuck, were you really staring that long?

You could feel the heat rise to your cheeks as a nervous laugh bubbled up your throat. You struggled to find your words. “Joel, i’m so sorry I shouldn’t–”

“Hey, Beanie? S’alright. You can stare for as long, and as much as you’d like.” He reassured you with a slight nod of his head.

So, this is where you flirt back.

OH!

Right.

“You just..have really attractive hands.” You murmured softly.

Joel cocked a brow at your answer as he looked over at you. “My..hands? What about ‘em are attractive?” He held the same genuine curiosity like the time you had complimented his eyes.

“Well they’re just..strong looking? Maybe that’s not the right verbiage that I'm going for here.” You trailed off.

“S’you don’t mind that they’re a lil rough lookin'?’ Take this hand for example, I’m pretty sure it never really properly healed after I beat the livin’ daylights outta a FEDRA soldier shortly after Tess and I agreed to take Ellie to the fireflies. Sometimes I’ll get like these ghost pains n’my knuckles is what I like to call ‘em.” He shrugged as he grabbed a towel to wipe the flour off from his hands.

“No, I don’t mind at all. I’d honestly be surprised if your hands weren’t at least a little bit damaged. Y’know? I get what you mean with the ghost pains. I get them too, but usually in my wrists and ankles. It’s almost like a tingling sensation.”

Joel felt his heart slowly sink to the pit of his stomach like the sun gradually dipping behind the horizon. It was easy for him to draw the conclusion as to why you’d feel these sensations in your wrists and ankles. There were visible scar indentations along the inside of your wrists. Based on the scarred tissue, it was probably due to them being bound together by zip ties, rope, or possibly even chains. He felt a shiver roll down his spine when he remembered the charred women in the forest having their wrists and ankles bound together by chains.

“Well, I think your hands are beautiful too, Beanie.” He murmured.

I think you're more beautiful than the stars, sun, and moon combined.

You smiled at him. That same soft smile that sent his heart beat skipping every time he was graced by the simple beauty of it. It was as if there was a magnetic force between the two of you that was working on overdrive to bring the two of you closer in proximity.

“Thank you, Joel. I’ve got a real nasty nail biting habit that spurs up every so often. I guess..after you brought me home from the bar, I absolutely tore my nails to shreds, but I had no recollection of it happening..”

“If it makes ya feel any better, I also have a nasty habit of picking at the skin around my nails till it bleeds. Ellie’s yelled at me for it numerous times, but no matter what I do, I can’t stop.”

“Maybe we can help each other break these habits? Or, at least show encouragement when we’re struggling?” You suggested.

“Yeah, I'd like that a lot actually. It’ll be a good way to hold ourselves accountable. Lord knows I need to sometimes.” He agreed. “Well, this dough is gonna have to sit for a bit before we can roll it out..whad’ya wanna do in the meantime?” He had his hands resting along the edge of the countertop that was lightly dusted in flour as he awaited your response.

“That’s a good question. Do you happen to have any records? Maybe we could listen to one? I have a good feeling in my bones that you have impeccable music taste.” You mused with a small grin spreading across your lips.

“Y’know, I actually do have a box of records in the living room. They ain’t mine, unfortunately. They were here when I moved in. There’s a lot of classics in the collection though. I’m sure we can find somethin’ that we both enjoy.” He tilted his head towards the direction of the living room.

You let Joel lead the way as he showed you the box containing the records. There was everything from the Beatles, Prince, Queen, Zeppelin, Frank Sinatra, and so on. “Well,” You started, “whoever lived here, clearly loved their music.”

“Ain’t that right.” his tone was slightly rasped as you made yourself comfortable on the floor with your legs crossed.

“You want a pillow?” He asked softly. “Might be a lil’ more comfy.”

You gave him a small nod in response as you began to carefully flip through the record albums.

He grabbed two pillows from the nearby couch without disturbing Honey before he joined you on the floor.

“Who’s your favorite? I know it’s a tough choice t’make. I don’t even think I could narrow mine down to five.” He chuckled warmly as he rested his weight back on his hands.

“Oh, gosh. I also don’t know if I could narrow it down..Stevie is definitely at the top of my list.”

“Ah, yeah. She was incredible. I was a big fan of Linda Ronstadt back in the day. Although, growin’ up, there wasn’t a song or artist that I didn’t enjoy.”

You slowly looked over at him as your fingers gently played with a torn edge on one of the records. “Was music a big part of your life?..Before, y’know.” You chose your words carefully as you watched him take a deep inhale.

“Yeah, it was. Used to be a big dreamer, believe it or not. Always wanted t’be a singer. Taught myself how to play the guitar, wrote a few songs here and there. None of them were very good, but I got a lotta joy out of it. Then when Sarah was born, I knew I had’to hold down a real job, and push that dream to the backburner. Spent a lot of time playin’ the guitar for her though. She loved it. Used to tease me n’tell me that I had a god awful singin’ voice.” He snickered.

Your giggle was soft, sweet, floating like a warm breeze. “Hey, I’m sure your singing isn’t that bad! It's wonderful that you found a lot of joy in that hobby. What about now? Do you still play the guitar here and there? Perhaps..sing in the shower like the rest of us?”

“Wouldn’t ya like t’know?” He wiggled his eyebrows playfully in your direction. “Yeah, I’ve picked it up here n’there. Started writin’ some lyrics as well. Maybe..one day I can play for ya? Give ya your own lil’ private concert, front row.”

“Yeah, you dork. That’s why I'm asking!” You giggled. “Wow, a private concert, just for me? Well, I'd be honored.”

“Mmm.” He hummed, “don’t go gettin’ your hopes up jus’ yet, but I think I can manage.” He shot you a subtle, yet playful wink. “Now, whad’ya got there? Frank Sinatra, You Make Me Feel So Young?”

“An oldie, for the oldies.”

“I ain’t that old, darlin.’” He scoffed playfully.

“Mhm. Let’s face it, we’re a little old, but silver looks good on you.”

“Not nearly as good as it looks on you.” He countered smoothly.

“Charming.”

“Jus’ tellin’ the truth, darlin.’”

“And they say chivalry is dead.” You were looking directly into his eyes which naturally sent a blush rising to his cheeks. Yeah, he had it pretty bad.

“Y’wanna give it a listen?” He offered with a sheepish grin.

“Absolutely.”

He reached for the vinyl, fingers gently brushing yours as he gently removed it from your grasp before he stood up. He shuffled over to the nearby record player that had been neglected for years. He blew off a bit of dust buildup that had naturally settled along the surface before he placed the vinyl down carefully.

The needle slowly fell into place as the old turntable crackled to life, flooding the small expanse of the room in sweet music.

You make me feel so young

You make me feel so Spring has sprung

And every time I see you grin

I'm such a happy individual

Joel watched the way your eyes suddenly lit up, bright, glassy, beautiful. Your energy was infectious as his knuckles lightly thrummed along the hardwood. He wanted to ask you to dance, to make up for what happened at the Tipsy Bison. Why was he so apprehensive? What did he have to fear?

Connection. Intimacy. Devotion.

You seemed to recognize the inner turmoil he was presently facing almost immediately. The nervous thrumming of his knuckles, the way his brows furrowed inward as if he was deep in thought. The light unmistakable pursing of his lips.

“Hey, Joel?”

He blinked once before his eyes hesitantly met yours, “Yeah, darlin?’”

“You wanna dance with me?..It can be like a redo for our first date?” Your thoughtful suggestion was as comforting as a warm summer breeze as his fingers absentmindedly inched closer towards yours.

“Y’wanna make up for that night?..Beanie, we don’t gotta–I mean..only if you want to?” He was nearly stumbling over his words by the time you had gently grabbed his hand and interlaced your fingers through his.

“C’mon,” You replied with a small smile tugging on the corner of your lips. “Dance with me, Joel.”

His hesitation was evident, at first, but your gentle smile, and kind eyes eased his nerves as you both slowly stood to your feet. You could feel how clammy his palm felt around your own as his other hand slowly dropped to his side. He wanted to hold your waist, but after everything that happened, he was apprehensive.

“It’s okay, Joel.” You reassured him as your free hand dipped down to his side and delicately wrapped your hand around his wrist before coaxing his hand to rest around your waist.

“I’m a shit dancer, honey.” He murmured low and soft as his fingers slightly flexed against your waist.

“Joel, don’t overthink it. Just dance.” You encouraged him with a reassuring smile.

When his nerves slowly began to dissipate, he fell into a rhythm as he spun you around playfully. He was less worried about accidentally stepping on your toes, and more focused on the way the soft glow of the kitchen lighting bounced off your skin. How pretty you looked. How your eyes never seemed to leave his. The increased thrum of his heart drowned out the soothing crackle from the tabletop. All he could see was you.

It was as if a magnet was slowly pulling you in closer. The gravitational pull, foreheads touching, noses brushing, exchange of breaths. So close. So close. You could nearly taste him on your tongue–

“Beanie..” He breathed out. Pausing. Thinking. Just ask her. The worst she can say is no.

“Can I–”

“Please. Please kiss me, Joel.” Your thoughts were swirling, tumbling like a shaken up jar of marbles. You wanted him so bad. Terribly. You wanted and yearned to know what it possibly felt like to be kissed by Joel Miller. The moment was there in your grasps, and gone in a flash from the distinct creaking sound of the front door opening.

Ellie’s footsteps were soft along the floorboard as she pulled the door shut behind her. She was hoping that Joel wasn’t home. She wasn’t ready to confront him after what took place at the Tipsy Bison just a few nights prior. She was still hurting. Her curiosity got the best of her in the end when she saw that the kitchen light was on.

“Joel?..” She rounded the corner, eyes going wide, cheeks turning a deep bright red as she caught the moment you and Joel nearly kissed. She squeaked a fast apology, “Shit, I’m so sorry!” before darting out of the room like a bat out of hell.

You and Joel were startled by her presence to say the least. His eyes went wide before he was dropping his hand from your waist. He murmured an apology of his own before he slipped out of the kitchen to follow his kid.

“Ellie, wait! Kiddo, can we please–” He was hot on her heels as she scurried up the stairs and b-lined to her bedroom. If he was there a second sooner, he would have stopped her from slamming the door in his face.

“Kiddo, please. I jus’ wanna talk.” He sounded gravely defeated as his forehead came to rest upon the chipping paint on her bedroom door. He could hear her muttering to herself as she stuffed her backpack with overnight clothes.

Moments later the door flung open as she brushed past him with her bag slung over her shoulder.

“Ellie.” He tried one more time.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Joel. Sorry for interrupting your date.” She muttered before jogging down the staircase.

“Kiddo, please. I’m sorry.”

“I’m going to Dina’s.” Was her short response. He could detect the hurt in her voice as he pathetically watched her disappear through the front door once more. The entire house was silent as he scrubbed a weathered hand across his patchy beard. Healing took time, he reminded himself. It didn’t happen overnight, but fuck. He missed his baby girl so much.

The old floorboards of the staircase groaned under his heavy footsteps as he trudged back down the stairs. His brain was telling him that it was time to call it a night. Send you home so you didn’t have to witness his pain at the forefront. His heart told him differently. His heart urged him to seek out your comfort, so he did.

He found you right in the kitchen where he left you. You had just taken the freshly made pizza dough out of the fridge and set it out on the counter. Your eyes slowly flitted upwards at the sound of his footsteps.

“Hey, I think the dough is ready to be rolled out. Want to give me a hand?”

Bless you.

“Yeah, of course. I’m sorry for runnin’ off like that. She’s been avoidin’ me since that night at the Tipsy Bison.” He admitted in a hushed tone.

“It’s okay, Joel. You don’t have to apologize for that. Did you..want to talk about it?”

“No, not right now. Let's just..make these pizzas. I’m starving.” He sighed, feeling his own mental and emotional exhaustion begin to way down on him like a bag of cement.

He met you on the other side of the counter, shoulders brushing as he pulled out a rolling pin from one of the drawers. You rolled out half the dough in silence together. It was almost as if you were sharing the weight of his present grief, soaking it in and absorbing it like a sponge.

Once the pizzas were dressed and popped in the oven, he wiped down the counter before grabbing a glass from one of the overhead cabinets. “I uh–really could use a drink. Would you like one? I’ve got wine and some spirits.”

“I’ll have whatever you’re having, Joel.”

“Whiskey it is then.” He murmured as he grabbed another glass. “I really don’t usually drink. I jus–’ need somethin’ right now.” He didn’t know why he felt like he needed to explain himself to you, but it was too late to take his words back when they were already spoken.

“Joel, you don’t have to give me a reason as to why you need a drink right now. We all have our vices, and I hold no judgment towards yours.”

“I know I don’t have to explain myself to you, Beanie. I’m jus–’ I'm not okay right now. I don’t know whether I should laugh, cry, punch a fucking wall in.” He muttered bitterly as closed the cabinet door a bit too harshly. He shuffled past you to the wet bar area where he snatched up the bottle of whiskey with trembling fingers. He popped the cap off with his teeth as he poured a hefty splash of amber-colored liquor into his glass. He was considerate enough to give you half of what he was having.

“Joel, I know you’re not okay right now. Do you want me to?..”

“No.” He croaked softly, “No. I don’t want you to leave, please.” He took a sizable sip from his glass before he returned to your side, sliding your glass over.

“Okay, I won’t go, but is there anything you..need from me?” Your hand slowly grasped the crystal glass before raising it to your lips. The warmth of the liquor coated your insides like sticky molasses. It had a twinge of smoke, finished off with a hint of cinnamon. In short, it was fucking delicious.

“I don’t know.” He admitted somberly before he slowly sank down to the kitchen floor with his back resting against the oak cabinets, and the glass resting in his hand between his knees as his head fell back with a soft thud.

You descended alongside him with your legs outstretched, and ankles crossed. Sometimes all a person needed was a gentle soul. A wordless extended notion of comfort. Sometimes that was enough, but sometimes a person needed more. Whatever Joel needed in those crucial moments, you’d be there.

“Can I be honest with you?” He broke through the growing silence with a heavy huff through his lips.

“Of course.”

“I am fucking terrified of losing every goddamn person that I love, Beanie. I’m terrified of losing my brother. I’m terrified of losing my daughter, and I'm terrified..of losing you. I feel like a broken record that can’t quite find its rhythm because the vinyl is scratched, and the needle keeps catching. Do..you get what i’m sayin?’” His head slowly turned to meet your eyes.

Your heart skipped a monumental beat when he said that he was terrified of losing every person that he loved, and that you had made the cut. (not that there was one to make). You ignored the butterflies fluttering in your stomach, and focused on him, and his willingness to rawly communicate with you.

“Joel, I understand why you are terrified, but you haven’t lost Tommy, Ellie, or me. We’re all right here. I don’t think you sound like a broken record at all. Try and show yourself a bit of compassion, okay?”

He stifled a bitter chuckle as he brought the rim of the glass back to his lips. He took another sip before he closed his eyes.

“Beanie, I don’t think you’d be tellin’ me to have some compassion for myself if you knew what I've done, the people I've killed, the choices I've made. I ain’t a good person. No matter how many times I have tried to justify my actions, I ain’t a saint.”

“Joel, do you think that anyone is truly a saint? Do you believe that we’re all innately good? That we’ve never hurt a friend, or said words we didn’t mean? Joel, even if the outbreak never happened, and we didn’t lose the people we loved, we still would be making mistakes. We still would be hurting people whether it was intentional or not. I mean this with full honesty, your past isn’t going to scar me. It isn’t going to make me think of you in a darker light, because goddamnit, we all had to fucking make some hard choices in the name of survival. I’ve killed people too, you know that, right? I lost count years ago. I lost my fucking faith in the shreds left in the remants of humanity until–” you felt yourself choking up with tears welling along your waterline, and your words lodged in your throat, clawing to be set free.

“Beanie–”

“No, please. Please just let me finish, okay? Joel, you’re so incredibly hard on yourself, and hell, we all are. I just want you to realize that you are not a bad person. You’re not a bad man. You’re not some evil monster lurking in the shadows. You’re a fucking human being that has spent over 20 years trying to survive. You have endured and survived up until this point. You and Ellie will be okay. She’s hurting, and so are you, but one day she will forgive you, for whatever it is that you have done. She needs time to heal, and so do you.” You felt mildly exasperated from the energy you were exerting.

Joel was speechless. He was floored as his pupils were blown out wide. His jaw physically dropped. He scrambled to gather his thoughts so that he could come up with a well-rounded response. He struggled with his words, as you knew. All he knew is that he had to be just as vulnerable as you were being.

“I killed an entire hospital of fireflies. I killed every single one of them to save her. To save my Ellie. My light. They were going to kill her, Beanie. Ellie is immune. She’s the only one. Marlene told me that the doctor that was going to perform the surgery on her thinks that the Cordyceps has grown with her since birth. Because it’s adapted to her, it tricks the normal Cordyceps into thinking that Ellie is one of them. That’s the reason why she is immune. Tess and I were taking Ellie to the fireflies because I made a promise to Marlene. It turned into something else along the way. I grew to care for Ellie as if she was my own. I even–I even told her that we didn’t have to keep going. We could come back to Tommy’s and forget all about the fireflies. My baby girl didn’t want that. She wanted to save the fuckin’ world, but she didn’t want to die. I know she didn’t want to die, Beanie. She thought that after it was all said and done, that we would be going home together.

“And when we’re done, we’ll go wherever you want, Joel.” Ellie reassured him.

“Tommy’s, sheep ranch, the moon.”

“I’ll follow you anywhere you go.”

“But there’s no halfway with this.”

“We finish what we started.”

Ellie was determined to use her immunity to save the world, and Joel couldn’t stop her.

“Ellie..is immune?” You whispered softly as the weight of Joel’s words sunk deep into your soul.

“Yes, she is. You have to promise me that you won’t tell anyone, Beanie. Not even Maria knows. Only Tommy and I. The rest of the community would turn to chaos if they knew.”

“The fireflies were looking for a cure, and Ellie was the answer? But, Cordyceps–”

“Grow inside the brain.” He deadpanned as he finished off what was left in the contents of his glass. “I did what I had to do to save her, and if I had to go back and do it all over again, I would. She didn’t want to die. She never consented to the surgery. Marlene never gave her the option, and neither did I. The worst bit? Beanie, I lied to her. I told her that there were more people like her. People who were immune. I told her there were dozens like her, and that the doctors couldn’t actually make any of it work. That they’ve stopped looking for a cure entirely.”

“They’ve stopped lookin’ for a cure.”

“Where are my clothes?” Ellie mumbled.

“Raiders attacked the hospital. I barely got ya outta there, kiddo.” he squeezed the steering wheel tightly as he lied through his teeth.

“Were people hurt?..”

“Yes.” He didn’t lie.

“Is Marlene okay?”

Joel paused as he glanced back at his daughter through the rearview mirror.

“I’m takin’ us home.”

“You never told her the truth, did you?” You knew the answer, but you wanted him to confirm it.

“No, I did tell her, and she hates me for lying and taking that choice away from her. She feels like..she holds no purpose in life now, and it’s all my fault.”

“Joel, you did what every parent would have done for their child. Biological or not, she is your daughter. She was in danger, and you saved her. I can’t blame her for the way she currently feels towards you. Her emotions are valid, and you should have never lied to her. You should have told her the truth from the start, but I understand why you didn’t tell her. You felt ashamed of your actions.”

“I just wanted to protect her.” He murmured as his eyes casted downwards.

You reached your hand out and gently grasped his shoulder and gave it a firm, grounding squeeze.

“Joel, you did just that. You protected her. You saved her. You saved the world.”

His own eyes began to water. His lower lip trembled, wobbled with uncertainty as his glassy irises met yours.

“You’re right. I did save the world.”

And then, you were hugging.

His tears and your own fell freely as you cradled his head protectively against your chest with your chin resting gently against the top of his head. Your fingers threaded through his soft salt and pepper tendrils as he enveloped your frame in his strong arms. The oven dinged signaling that the pizza was ready, but neither of you moved an inch.

“Spend the night with me, Beanie. Please.” His words fell heavy on his tongue. His heart begging you with a steady thrum to stay.

banners made by the lovely @saradika 🩷

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purplevortexx · 2 years

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hii! could i get a hangman and reader fic if its not too much trouble?? maybe something where shes a kidgarten teacher and gets a call during her class that hes in the hospital and the students are all innocent and asking what happened?? or maybe he comes everyday to pickup his neice/nephew and all the other teachers tease her abt "the hot navy dad", and he finds out this nickname and is all cocky and they confess?? Thanks!

hi my darling, fic is below the cut!! Hope you like it :)

Tuesdays

Summary: You have a new fave day of the week when one of your students' godfather does pick up.

Pairing: Jake 'Hangman' Seresin x gn!reader

Warnings: none!

Words: 1.6k

A/N: cute fic born from a request from @acupnoodle enjoy!! Feel free to send me any requests! - bean :)

✨add yourself to my taglist(s) here✨

Tuesday afternoons were quickly becoming your favourite time of the week. Well yours along with any other person in the vicinity of the school who had eyes and was attracted to men. Tuesday was the day when Catarina Machado, who was quite possibly the sweetest little 5-year-old you had ever met, was picked up by her ‘favourite uncle’ as she had told you on multiple occasions.

The first Tuesday in the school year when he’d picked her up, he introduced himself to you as Catarina’s godfather Jake. The emerald green eyes and boyish grin had nearly made you forget your own name as you shook his hand. It had only been a short introduction as little Catarina had tugged on her uncle’s pant leg, practically begging him to take her for ice cream before he had to take her home. He just shrugged his shoulders and said “fun uncle duties,” before shooting you a wink and taking off, picking a squealing Catarina off the ground and setting her on his shoulders.

Your co-worker, Angie came up to you as you could see Jake’s tall muscled form disappearing amongst the sea of parents. “Hot single dad?” She guessed.

“Hot uncle,” you corrected, “not sure on the single part though.”

Angie just folded her arms and looked at you knowingly. “I didn’t see a ring on his finger,”

Yours and Jake’s encounters stayed short and sweet like that for a few months. You looked forward to a Tuesday when he’d ask how your week had been and you’d ask the same. A lot of the time he’d tell you a cute story about Catarina or her dad which always made you smile and laugh. Little by little, your conversations on a Tuesday afternoon got longer and more in depth about your lives. It got to the point where right before the end of the day, you would look out of your window and see if you could spot his truck.

It was a Monday morning in winter, towards the end of January, when Catarina came into class looking really upset. The little girl was usually really upbeat and happy all the time, always skipping into the classroom, ready to tell everybody about her weekend. That morning she just looked utterly dejected and glum. You set the class on a task and went over to Catarina’s table, crouching down next to her chair. “Hey Catarina, is everything alright?” The little girl turned to you, orange crayon in hand and just shook her head. You could see tears swimming in her eyes, threatening to fall and moved quickly, ushering her out of her chair and into the hallway, calling out reassurances that you’d be right back to the rest of the class.

“Hey honey, what’s the matter?” You ask gently. The dark haired little girl sniffs quietly and looked up at you. “Uncle Jake is in the hospital.” She tells you and you’re pretty sure your heart stops for a second. You knew Jake was in the navy and accidents happen all the time but nothing had prepared you for hearing something had happened to him.

You quickly pulled yourself together for the sake of your student in front of you. “Do you mind telling me what happened?” You ask shakily and she nods.

“He had to jump out of the plane.” The five-year-olds explanation doesn’t make much sense but it does alarm you. You know enough about the navy to know she probably means he had to eject from his F-18.

“Okay honey, I’m sure uncle Jake will be just fine. You know the doctors in the hospital are really good at their jobs. I’m sure they’ll fix him right up!” You tell her with a forced smile. This seems to calm the five year old a little and she wipes the tears from her eyes. “Tell you what, why don’t you make uncle Jake a get well soon card?” Catarina nods, her gorgeous brown eyes sparkling a bit more like normal.

“Can I draw a plane on it? Or a dinosaur?” She asks and you want to melt at how cute she is.

“Catarina, you can draw whatever you want on it.” You tell her. She smiles at that and skips happily back into the classroom, muttering something about putting ‘healing magic’ in the card.

Later on at pick-up, you collar her dad whilst Catarina is playing with a couple of other kids. “Hey, um… Catarina got a bit upset in class today.” You tell him and he nods,

“Yeah we were all a bit worried when Jake went down in training but Cat’s taken it pretty hard. Luckily it wasn’t too bad, just a hard landing.” You nod in understanding.

“She seems to understand what’s happened pretty well. I think she just needed a bit of reassurance Jake was gonna be okay.” You tell him. “We had a bit of a talk this morning and she made him a get well soon card so I think she feels a bit better about it all now.”

“Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.” Javy tells you and you smile.

“I really don’t mind at all, Catarina’s a great kid.” He gleams with pride at that comment and you turn to go back inside but before you do you quickly say “Tell him I hope he gets better soon.”

Javy looks stunned for a second but collects himself quickly. “Uh yeah of course. Thanks again.”

Jake didn’t pick Catarina up the day after. You know it’s unlikely he would due to him being in the hospital but you’re still disappointed all the same. Instead it was a woman, Natasha, who gives Catarina a loving kiss on the forehead and walks her to the car whilst the little girl waves in your direction.

Friday afternoon brings you a surprise. You walk out with the class as the children run towards their respective parents and there, in all his glory, is Jake. You’re taken aback, partially because it’s the wrong day and partially because of the small cuts scattered across his face. He grins as you come into his eyeline, Catarina squealing happily at the sight of her godfather.

She runs to him, her dark curls bouncing as she does so. He puts his arms around the little girls back, almost covering her completely and lifts her off the ground with ease. “There’s my favourite girl.” He says, settling her on the ground. Catarina smiles brightly, already rambling on about everything uncle Jake has missed whilst he was in the hospital. She pauses to take a little breath and you smile fondly at her.

The five year old turns and runs towards the playground where some other children are calling out for her to play. She hastily shouts “don’t leave!” At her uncle who just chuckles as the little ball of energy scurries off to play.

He turns to you then, his smile turning almost sheepish as he addresses you. “So, uh… Javy relayed your message.”

You can feel the heat rising up your face so you turn slightly to the side. “I’m glad you’re better Jake, you had Catarina really worried for a minute there.”

“Just Cat?”

“Okay maybe I was a little bit worried.” You admit and his shy smile turns into his usual cocky smirk. “I mean who else am I supposed to talk to at pick up? All the other parents are boring.” You say that last part quietly and he chuckles.

“Well I’m honoured that the pretty teacher chooses to talk to me.” You giggle nervously at the compliment.

You both stand there for a couple of minutes, just watching the children play, Jake shouting a “good job” at Catarina as she shows him a cartwheel.

He turns to you again. “Hey,” you hum in reply, tearing your eyes away from the students to look at Jake. “Please tell me if I’m reading this wrong but would you maybe want to get dinner tomorrow? I mean the offer is open for any day but I just thought it’s a Saturday tomorroe and there’s no school and …”

“Jake.” You cut him off and he mumbles a ‘sorry’, “I’d love to.” You tell him and he sighs in relief. It’s quite cute really, a navy pilot as tall as he being flustered over asking a girl out but he’s so happy when you say yes that you can’t bring yourself to tease him about it.

You write down your number on his hand, feeling the hot stare of Angie boring into the back of your head. “Text me the time and place and I’ll be there.” He nods in confirmation.

“Uncle Jake!!! Can we go get ice cream?” Your moment is interrupted by an oblivious dark haired girl who comes bounding up to her godfather, attempting to drag him away by the hand towards the car.

He laughs and reassures her he’s coming before looking to you. “Duty calls. I’ll see you tomorrow.” You smile and nod, waving at both him and the five-year-old clinging to his arm.

Around 20 minutes later, when you’re alone in your classroom having sent all the kids on their way, you check your phone and see a text from an unsaved number on your Lock Screen.

‘8pm tomorrow? There’s an Italian close to the school that’s supposed to be good. Gio’s??. Let me know what you think - J’

You smile at the text and type out one of your own. ‘Sounds good, see you there.’

You’ve not been excited like this for a date in a while and it feels really good.

#jake seresin x reader #jake seresin #jake hangman seresin #hangman x reader #hangman #hangman imagine #hangman seresin x reader

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merakiui · 7 months

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mera i know you and azul are going through something right now but while you wait for him to come home, have u rated his groovy expressions like u did with jade before????

｡°(°.◜ᯅ◝°)°｡ we are indeed going through it... it's enemies to lovers slow burn 250k words right now. But I will happily rate his groovy expressions!!!! :D I have every Zuzu card,,, except for GloMas. :) :) :) :) hehe hahahaaahaha. :) I wonder why that is..... :) :) so I will rate all of them (except GloMas T_T) below!!!! Like with Jade's ratings, every expression is a 10/10.

✧ lab wear - HIMEROS HIMEROS HIMEROS. HE IS SO HIMEROS HERE. orz the satisfied, focused look in his eyes... his Adam's apple... truly so pretty, and the lighting from all of the Ignihyde devices makes him even prettier. >0< he is a work of art!!!!!! Put him in a museum!!!!!!!!! <3 or make a statue of him so I can worship it like the Greeks and Romans did in ancient times!!!!

✧ ceremonial robes - a very good expression. It's the classic tako smirk. The air of confidence and the wink... he is in sleazy salesman mode!!! I also like that he has the hood up on his robe because he's said it's more comfortable for him that way (as dark, confined spaces are comforting to him). (≧◡≦) ♡ if he stopped me in a dimly lit hall and offered me something in an unlabeled vial, I would buy it without hesitation. No sales pitch needed.

✧ dorm uniform - another classic!!!!!! I think this groovy works so well because it shows just how intimidating Azul can look when he's flanked by the twins. It's a powerful visual!!! You cannot cross him, or else you'll find yourself in deep, scary waters. ;;;; that aside, I like the way his lip curls up into yet another trademark smirk-grin!!!! >w< he's so cool... orz

✧ beans day - THIS IS THE AZUL CARD EVER. WOWOWOOOOOWOWOOOOOOO HE'S SO PERFECT HERE!!!!! He really does have one default expression and that's the Roblox smirk face LOL. Joking aside, I love the antenna on his goggles... it makes him look very cute. And the movement in his hair!!!!! He looks so fluffy here!!! orz orz orz

✧ halloween - UNHINGED. >:D I love when Azul makes these expressions because he does them so well. Also,,,,, his teeth!!!!! The pointed tako teeth AAAAAAAAAA!!!! His fangs are too cute. T_T <3 he should make this face more often because it's such a blessing to behold.

✧ birthday boy - no talk him,, he angy!!!!! >:( I like this grumpy expression a lot hehe. It's unexpectedly cute!!! He looks so miffed to see more fried chicken on the plate. Add some tears to the corners of his eyes and he will look so crybaby. <3 uuwuwuaaaa my favorite crybaby tako. I adore him. (´ ε ` )♡

✧ union birthday - twst knew what they were doing when they cooked this Azul card. (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧ a man covered in cream is all you need. It is essential to one's life. His expression is so silly and he looks a little pathetic but in a cute way. He's really going >:O !!! Thank you, Ace, for your hard work of throwing the pie at him. You are doing the lord's work here. I will thank you forever.

#twisted chit chat #azul this is my final offering to you orz #i rated your groovy expressions so nicely and honestly. isn't this the kind of sweet gesture that makes you want to come home now? :D #i will never lick anyone's boots but for you azul...#for you they will be so shiny!! the shiniest!!!!!!!#you will see your handsome reflection in the shine!!!

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team-avia · 7 months

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If it's possible for all the members of the team to respond, i want an answer from each one. What route do you recommend? Im so torn between Daniela, Bela, Donna and Angie i just need a route recomandation

(If you see a similar ask from me, it's most likely because i didnt see the first one going through)

I definitely recommend Angie as an underdog route that will blindside you

arlanorr

I recommend Bela for the emotional damage

bee

Donna for the adorableness + angst

cinders

All up to your tastes of course! Personally, I'd go for my beloved Donna because I am a Donna fan and she is a precious bean who needs love. Now if you're also like me and can go the opposite spectrum from "precious bean" Donna to, "will look at you in disgust and crush you with red bottom heels" Miranda, then we're best buds. Bet you thought I was going to say Lady D but I am a Donna and Miranda lover. With a talented team of writers, it's hard to recommend a route so go wherever your heart takes you! I hope you enjoy all of them. 🖤

vizzi

if you like getting bullied or prefer grounded, darker romances, go for bela and miranda! if you want something sweeter, go for cass, angie and dani!

finch

#mail 💌#arlamod💙#beemod🐝#cindermod🔪#vizzimod 🔲#finchmod🌻#SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY IT TOOK A WHILE TO GET EVERYONES ANSWERS

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trainingdummyrabbit · 21 days

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TEDDY BEAR ANGIE my favorite realization Angie..

(including sprite because i might aswell at this point ✌)

IIII LOVE HER..... SO MUCH. ithink when i first changed my icon to angela it was one i drew of her, so iam deeply, Deeply biased. she makes me deeply nostalgic and i honestly didnt even realize till now.

Design- i love her so much. its very simple comparatively, but she. points. its the dirtied face and ruffled hair, miscolored eye like a missing button sewn back on... she seems more disoriented than angry, which i dont know how to thread together but it means something. To Me. always a big fan of Big Fuckig Paws and even more of Big Fuckig Claws. also the way she moves them during her attacks and movement is... so fucking funny. her pawbs too big for her got damn she :(... i do adore how her outfit is just... shes a bean bag your honor. a hackey sack. she looks like shes wearing pajamas. its so funny. iwould kill for her.

Theme- bmursts into tears and Wails. the abandonment throughline already hurt enough but they really doubled down on it by emphasizing the Artificiality of her in the background as well-- being made to love, in the image of one that loves, its quite literally what makes her up. followed up with that line of "Childishness" linked with the image of a teddy bear. head in hands. I Need To Punt Ayin Into The Sun. thankyou <33 the line that really makes me double back though is the "I’ll only pursue the happiness I can have immediately." its pretty different from the rest of her combat dialogue, all of which are some form of wistful longing or mourning for what could have been-- in this one single line is an admittance to searching for superficial ways to fill that void, perhaps selfishly, perhaps foolishly-- but its all she really has. the desire to hold tight and not let go, regardless of the consequences. its interesting.

in conclusion: if not supposed to hug the angela why hug shaped. this is cruel. cruelty of the highest degree. mods. mods pl

#ihave been wanting t change my icon again; might cycle back to that one again... i do really adore it.#also her name. points. >:( ................. looks away again.#projmoon #ask game

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shinmiyovvi · 6 months

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Once I drop Licia's new icon for her info, everyone's gonna point out like "That is not our Licia"

#shin's rambles #I am sorry for this #It's just her hair looks so similar to Noemi and I can't brush it off like it's nothing #So... Brace yourself once I reblog her info later on #Don't worry #She is still the angy bean everyone knows and love

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shadzytarts · 10 months

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[ID: Moonfall enters the fray, holding Koi moon in one hand who looks disgruntled. Mer moon's smiling at them. End ID]

One more! Mer moon belongs to @just-a-drawing-bean and Moonfall belongs to @crabas-lordes ! vdghsak Had to get silly fish outta my system <3

Angy lil guy

#ocean au #mermoon #koi bois #bitey #moonfall #digitalart #my art

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probablyhuntersmom · 1 year

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My sons have a number of similarities but their responses to rejection and hurt are the opposite.

With Keith he's normally an angy bean, he will look you in the eye and raise his voice

But you know it's pretty darn bad if he's downcast and the angy spark disappears, plus he averts his gaze

With Hunter he will shrivel up, soften his voice in fear (I'm not counting the grumpy faces he makes esp with Luz, since those are the results of annoyances, not outright hurt), avoid direct eye contact

But it's very darn serious if he lashes out, raises his voice and stares straight ahead

#I really can't predict whether Hunter's gonna yell at Belos in the final ep. coz he actually might not #it's gonna be interesting either way #keith kogane #voltron #toh hunter #the owl house #my angsty kids

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bitterkarmaa · 9 months

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cracks knuckles

Eclipse headcanons: Really likes soft things - blankets, pillows, bean bags (thanks Lunar) and perhaps extra secretly even plushies! This is a mix of the fact they help keep him warm on his bad days, and ease the pain and anxieties and the fact he had a beloved plush (mr howls) once.

ALSO because ND headcanons goes brrr i like to think he finds certain soft textures nice to stim with by running his fingers/claws through them!

If given the chance and if he learned that they exist, i feel like he would absolutely secretly sneak off to underground fighting rings to duke it out with others and indulge his love for fighting but in an enviroment where its allowed (granted he doesnt outright kill anyone) but whether this would actually be healthy for his mindset or not is debatable gjfkgh

Lunar headcanons: A LOT smarter than he lets on! A sly litle sh*t when he wants to be, the childish nature is a mix of genuine 'he's just like that' but also possibly exaggerated depending on the situation (like if he wants to twist something to go his way)

He's good at lying, very good and has high pain tolerance (those last two i picked out from the show back when Lunar was at his peak there and he lied to Eclipse's face without flinching when Eclipse turned Moon's pain onto him)

Likes heavy metal music (just cos i think it would be really funny)

KC headcanons: Very much bite and little bark by default, BUT in regards to Eclipse i feel like that would be mostly switched - mostly bark but little bite - but the bark is enough to keep Eclipse in line because oh sh*t dads angy-

He died at some point and thats a catalyst to why he started acting so cold toward Eclipse, or at least part of it - he lost some part of himself, his ability to express emotion was damaged in some way or him dying and coming back made him more hardened to the world and since he goes so strongly by logic he adopted a new mindset that in order to survive he'd have to be harsh and so projected that onto Eclipse also.

Also when he adopts Solar Flare, i feel like a big part of the jealousy on Eclipse's end will be possibly due to KC expressing some of his original softness towards Solar Flare because the emotionally distant cold approach he took with Eclipse before would not/will not work here (especially since Solar has emotional issues of his own, just the opposite to Eclipse and more like KC)

Rays headcanons: VERY observant and VERY sensitive to even the smallest changes in others moods/behaviours. This being due to the abuse he suffered under the evil lord Eclipse, and so he would have learned to be very hyper aware of his former masters moods and even the smallest of hints/warnings that he was in or approaching a foul mood.

Has a habit of putting himself inbetween others to explain on their behalf or even taking a hit (looking at that last one shot) because he's experienced enough to know how to handle a tense or violent situation. A quick thinker in high stress situations also for similar reasons.

On a lighter note, i think he'd also be very fond of fashion and wearing different types of clothes! Since he always wore the same thing for 200 odd years, i think having access to variety would be a huge thing for him (maybe he learns how to sew too so he can make his own!)

Veil headcanons: I think should he get past his anxieties, he'd really enjoy working with kids! He passes off as the type to be a performer, an entertainer to make kids laugh - can absolutely see him putting on puppet shows or clowning around more akin to a jester like Sun and Moon (and even Bloodmoon though they would very much not agree im sure fjkgh)

Absolutely can also see him having a great fondness for plushies, and i love to think he'd collect them too (like beanies or dolls or something) and decorate his room/bed with them (also as a bonus cute idea maybe Rays could make little clothes for them too!)

Bloodmoon headcanons: Despite their violent nature, like Veil i also see them as potentially greatly enjoying the idea of performing and being silly jesters! Imagine they watch Monsters INC and see how the monsters change from scaring kids to making them laugh and that sticks with them and maybe they try to work towards being more like that theirselves later down the line (with the bloodstone also helping to manage their condition it could make it a little easier)

But i feel if they did go that route they would perform on stage or in a space that separates people from them just to be safe, to prevent any accidents from occuring if someone gets a little too close. Also i like the idea if they are bored and by theirselves they might playfight or chase each other in the headspace of their shared body! (or play Uno /hj)

Stares at this wall of text with big eyes

I’ll confirm and deny some of these, but feel free to keep the ones I deny, even so. The fact that you have so many for my blorbo collection honestly just 😭😭 dude thank you

—ECLIPSE—

Confirm:

Eclipse LOVES blankets, pillows, and specifically the beanbag that Lunar allowed him to rest on during his recovery :) the warmth consoles him that he’s still alive

Eclipse ADORES plushies, and that’s nurtured by the fact that KC liked to get him one every now and then to lift his spirits. Mr. Howls was his first! He also occasionally got them from the kids :,)

HE LOVES SOFT BLANKETS ESPECIALLY he sleeps with one that he often stims with when he needs time to decompress

Other notes:

The fighting ring idea is honestly so cool, I never even considered that…I would deny that, since it hadn’t come to mind and thusly wouldn’t have been canon, but I like the idea so much that it gets the canon stamp. Maybe for a darker, more brutal drabble (Halloween perhaps?) I could allow Eclipse to…indulge himself…

—LUNAR—

Confirm:

He’s actually quite brilliant! He just uses his intelligence in different ways :)

The innocence is a bit of a facade, but, you’re right, not completely.

“‘Clipsy said that you’d help me find the PS4 controller. Can you? I really wanna play.”

He is an incredible liar and has decent pain tolerance compared to say…Sun or Moon, for example. He’s pretty good at taking hits- a lot like Rays, which is one of the reasons they get along.

Other notes:

Heavy metal? Possibly. I could see that. I personally think that he likes classical! He actually HATES children’s music (nursery rhymes, lullabies, exc.) but heavy metal would be good for times that he needs to scream LMAO

—KILLCODE—

Confirm:

Attack first, think later! You’d be right, it tends to lean more towards bite no bark in tense situations! However, you’re also correct when it comes to it being switched for Eclipse…he’s still KC’s son, no matter what.

It’s been practically confirmed (I’m awful at keeping secrets) that KC has died. A lot of the “brain” functionalities within KC never came back online after he was brought back, and thusly it’s emotions remained very subdued as a result. Consider it a robot stroke. It feels random surges of emotion and then complete and total numbness, and eventually it just settled on hardening itself to the world because it was easier than trying to fix everything. It became bitter towards Eclipse for a few reasons, but those reasons eventually meant nothing to Eclipse because all he felt was the backlash.

Blood Moon’s jealousy arc is NOTHING compared to what Eclipse’s will be.

Other notes:

You got like everything right lol

—RAYS—

Confirm:

His AI was designed to learn and evolve, which means he actually has sensors that give him a readout on dangerous situations and/or shifts in mood. This can sometimes be swayed by his own anxiety, however.

Yes, those evolutions in his code were a result of the abuse he sustain from Lord Shithead.

He is the resident target practice! He does put himself in between disputes quite often, as he sees himself as more of a buffer than an actual sentient being.

Thinks and makes so many possible predictions of situations at a very quick rate. Thusly how he was already up the ladder urging Eclipse to come over with Veil in the most recent drabble ;)

Lunar and Sun are teaching him how to sew :) he loves to wear dresses and skirts since his former asshole lord would always berate him for it before. So homophobic smh

Other notes:

Nail in the coffin again no further comments moving on

—VEIL—

Confirm:

Children? Children! He’s already quite curious about them, so it’s more than likely that he’ll end up helping out down there once he’s calmed down a bit. Who knows, maybe he’ll drag Eclipse with him ;)?

Main difference between present Eclipse and Veil: Veil jests in a not-malicious way. He loves acting out scenes in his head, or voicing characters in a book he’s reading. Puppet-shows would be a BLAST with him involved!!

He collects beanie babies (specifically the bears)

He has a small army on top of his bookshelf

They watch him sleep

Other notes:

He likes goldfish

—BLOOD MOON—

Confirm:

They love performing for the kids! On their less-violent days they beg Sun to let them use the theater for a show, and sometimes Sun begrudgedly allows this on the condition that they don’t step off the stage.

They agree because they don’t want to hurt the kids anyways, if the urge would arise.

They do play with one another quite a lot :D their favorite game is tag, but instead of just touching the other they tackle each other and roll around. Whoever emerges on bottom is it!

Eclipse installed Battleship into their system. They’ve never been the same since.

It’s the main reason they went insane really /j

Other notes:

They have an obsession with water, despite it being deadly for them 😭

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