#like the first five times people made les mis into a movie they were like wow it's so educational
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Adequately done in full for the first time --- It marks a distinctive epoch in the educational work of motion pictures.
In selecting material the authors have made some departures from the original. For example, they cause Valjean to steal a loaf for his sick mother instead of for the seven children of his sister. But for the most part the film drama adheres closely to the Hugo text. The episode of the bishop's candlesticks, the incidents of Valjean's career as M. Madeleine, his flight with Cosette, the intrigues of the Thenardiers, Marius' courtship of Cosette, and the scenes of the rebellion of 1832 are given with fidelity. Glimpses of old Paris and beautiful rural scenes will delight people who have seen France.
The Daily Illini, 28 September 1913
#lm 1912#like the first five times people made les mis into a movie they were like wow it's so educational#after that they were like hmm is this a movie about Javert?#les miserables#vintage advertisment
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Little Fall of Rain | Peter Parker
masterlist found here
pairing - Peter x reader
word count - 2,828
warnings - ANGST ANGST ANGST
A/N - I watched Les Mis yesterday and got way deep in my feels and decided to write this
summary - You love Peter so much, and when he falls for your best friend, you have a hard time handling it. Who knew so much could go wrong so fast?
“(Y/N)! Wait up!”
You closed your locker and looked down the hall to see Peter running over to you. You smiled as he accidentally bumped into someone, paused to help them pick up their things, and continued his jog in your direction. “Hey,” you said with a chuckle. “What’s up?”
“You’re pretty close to MJ, right?” he asked.
You furrowed your eyebrows. “Yeah? I guess.”
“Do you know if she’s seeing anyone?” he asked. Your heart dropped a bit, but you maintained your poker face.
“I’m not sure,” you said. “I don’t think so.”
“Has she ever-” He hesitated. “Well, we’ve been talking a little more lately, and I, I kind of have a crush on her?” The tips of his ears turned pink, but despite the embarrassment, he kept talking. “I just can’t tell if she feels the same way about me.” He looked at you expectantly, but you just stared at him blankly. “Could you maybe ask her? Not obviously,” he quickly added. “Just, see if you can casually drop it into a conversation.”
“Seriously?” you said.
“I’d owe you big time,” he said. “Please, (Y/N)?”
You hated his fucking puppy dog eyes.
“Fine,” you said, giving him a tight smile. “Sure.”
“Ah, you’re the best!” he said, giving you a tight, eager hug. You relished in the feeling of his arms around you for a second before he let go and gave you a bright smile.
You and Peter had been good friends for a long time. Since elementary school. You developed a crush on him around middle school, and now you were seniors in high school, and the feelings were just as strong as ever.
And now he liked MJ? Your other best friend? And you were just supposed to accept that? You certainly couldn’t tell him how you felt, and you couldn’t just lash out at him or ignore his wishes. It wouldn’t be a big deal. MJ definitely didn’t like Peter, so once you let him down easy, you could be his shoulder to cry on.
“Peter likes me?” MJ asked, her face lighting up when you told her.
Okay, so maybe you had some things wrong.
“Yeah,” you said. “I know, it’s weird, right? I’ll just tell him you don’t-”
“No, no!” MJ said quickly. “No, I do. Like him, I mean. I like him. I have for a while. I just had no idea he felt the same! He’s so shy and awkward, you know?”
“Well, I mean, you’re a little awkward too,” you mumbled.
“Maybe that’s why our relationship would work,” she joked. You gave a half-hearted laugh, which MJ didn’t notice. “Will you talk to him for me?” she asked. You held back a sigh and just raised your eyebrows.
“And say what?” you asked.
“Just, I don’t know,” she said, suddenly a little bashful. “Tell him I like him. Maybe he’ll ask me out if he hears from you that I like him too.”
You groaned dramatically, knowing MJ wouldn’t think anything of it. “Fine.”
“Yes, you’re the best!” she said.
“Mhm,” you hummed. “I know.”
High school relationships rarely lasted. Sure, maybe Peter and MJ would go on one date, but it wouldn’t go anywhere. All you’d have to do in the end would be provide them both with shoulders to cry on.
“She doesn’t feel the same way. Sorry Pete.”
The lie rolled off your tongue, and there was no way you could take it back. Peter’s shoulders dropped, and you swallowed back the guilt creeping up your throat.
“Oh,” he said. “I guess that’s fine. Thanks for doing that for me.” The two of you were standing at your lockers, waiting for the bell to ring. “I think I’m, uh-” He hesitated as the bell chimed through the speakers. “I’m gonna head home. I’ve had a headache all day.”
“But you still have sixth and seventh pe-”
“I’ll see you later, okay?” he said. You nodded and watched him walk through the front doors of the school, skipping class like it didn’t matter at all. And that was so not like Peter Parker. Okay, so maybe you had broken his heart a little bit, but he’d heal.
After school that day, you headed home to the Barton’s house. You were an Avenger, and Clint was the one who had discovered you. He saw you kicking some mugger’s ass in an alley, and at first, you just appeared like a tough teenager. Then, you bolted from the scene in a blur of speed, and a wave of emotion hit him as he was reminded of Pietro. Instantly, he knew you were a hero worth pursuing. When he found out you were a homeless teenager, he wouldn’t have it. He brought you into his home when you were 14, and now three years later, you basically were a member of the family.
“I’m home,” you called when you opened the front door. You found Clint and Laura in the kitchen, and the kids were all sitting at the kitchen table eating their after-school snacks.
“Hi!” Nate called. You smiled and waved at him, then approached all three of them to give them high fives in greetings.
You fished through the cupboards for a mug to make something to drink, mumbling an, “Excuse me,” to Clint who was standing in front of the cupboard.
“You okay?” Laura asked, chuckling slightly. You sighed and leaned up against the kitchen counter.
“I think I did something stupid,” you said, folding your arms across your chest.
“You think?” Clint teased. You rolled your eyes. “Whoa,” he said, a slight frown growing on his face. “I didn’t even get a playful smile. This is serious.”
“Ugh,” you whined. “Can I have some tea?”
Laura laughed. “Of course. You two go in the living room and chat. I’ll bring you your drink when it’s ready.”
You thanked her and walked through the house to plop on the couch. When the kids were finished in the kitchen, they headed to their rooms to work on homework, so you and the two adults were alone.
“You know Peter,” you said.
“Parker?” Clint clarified. You nodded.
“You’ve got a crush on him, right?” Laura asked, handing you your tea.
“Laura,” you whined.
Clint laughed. “You think we didn’t notice?”
“Ugh!” you said for the second time since you arrived at their house.
You spilled everything. You told them about how Peter liked MJ and MJ liked Peter but you convinced him she didn’t just because you were jealous and desperately in love with your best friend. “I don’t know what to do,” you said, hyper-aware of the fact that you were holding back tears. You felt pathetic. “I know I messed up, but if I lose him to MJ, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
Clint sighed. “You should’ve just told him how you felt, (Y/N).”
“What would that’ve done except humiliate me?” you asked.
“Why do you say that?” Laura asked.
“Because he doesn’t like me back,” you said. “And this isn’t one of those cliche stories where he actually does. Peter very clearly likes MJ, so what would telling him how I feel do except break my own heart and make things awkward between us?”
“At least he wouldn’t have made you play match-maker between him and MJ,” Clint said. Laura nodded in agreement.
“Well what do I do now?” you asked. Clint and Laura shared a look that you couldn’t decipher.
“You know you have to tell him the truth,” Laura said. “If you really care for him like you say you do, you should tell him how MJ really feels.”
“You owe him that much,” Clint added.
“Ugh,” you groaned again. “I hate when you guys are right.”
“Then why do you talk to us about this kind of stuff?” he teased. “Because we’re always right.”
“You know, one of these days I’m just going to ask you to lie.”
Clint laughed and gave you a quick side hug. “It’s movie night,” he said. “You wanna pick?”
“Come on,” you scoffed. “Do you even have to ask?”
That weekend, chaos ensued. Not in terms of your high school drama, but in the greater scheme of things. You know, like end-of-the-world chaos. Hydra had been working to program a new army of killer-super-soldiers, each designed to kill anyone they saw as a threat: government officials, millionaires and billionaires, CEOs of major companies, and, of course, the Avengers.
So there you were, suiting up at the compound on a cloudy Saturday afternoon. When you were ready, you joined the others in the boardroom. You sat beside Peter who gave you a small smile. Things between the two of you had been weird since you told him about MJ on Tuesday. Your routines didn’t change. You still ate lunch together, waited for each other by your lockers in the morning, and worked together on chemistry homework, but the vibes were different. You really had upset him by lying about MJ, and everyday you felt more and more guilty about it. “You okay?” you asked him, keeping your voice soft. His smile was just as small as it had been when you first sat down.
“Always,” he said.
“Okay,” Tony said, clapping his hands together to get everyone’s attention. “The soldiers’ programming is a lot like Bucky’s. So there’s no way to reason. Unless you can condense Shuri’s work into a millisecond action, these people are lost causes. All we can do is shoot first and capture them if we can.”
“The primary goal is to save the citizens,” Steve added. “Wanda and Clint are on evacuation. Nat and Bruce are working with local officers. We found Whitehall and Bakshi’s command center, so Bucky and I are going to head there and take them down. The rest of you are on the ground in the battle. Save as many civilians as you can, and watch each other’s backs.” You all nodded and chorused back various agreements, then stood up to head to your stations. As you and Peter started to leave the compound, you stopped him.
“What’s up?” Peter asked. “We gotta go.”
“You’re acting weird,” you said. “And it’s bumming me out. Just tell me what’s wrong.”
“We don’t have time for this,” he said. “Mr. Rogers said-”
“I don’t care what he said,” you huffed. “You’re my best friend, and I don’t like seeing you this way.”
He sighed. “I just can’t stop thinking about MJ. I really thought she liked me, (Y/N).” You licked your lips and let a puff of air out of your nose.
Sure, maybe you needed to tell him you lied, but now was not the time to do so.
“I know,” you said. “I’m sorry, Pete. Try not to let it get to you. At least not right now. After the battle, I’ll sit with you and eat ice cream while we watch a cheesy rom com.” This managed to make Peter laugh a little, so you gave him a side hug and made your way out of the compound.
The fight was crazy. Not only were there super soldiers on your ass, you were crazy outnumbered by members of Hydra. “How are we looking on the battlefield?” Steve asked through the coms.
“Sexy, but not like we’re trying too hard,” Shuri said.
“Like sure, we’re trying,” Peter added.
“But it’s almost effortless,” you finished.
“I hate you guys,” Sam said.
“Can anyone answer me seriously?” Steve asked.
“Did we get a specific count on how many soldiers there are?” Strange asked. “Because we seem to kill one and it’s like two more take their place.”
“Yeah, well, that’s kind of their thing,” Bucky said.
You were getting frustrated. This shouldn’t have been a difficult mission. Hell, you defeated Thanos! Maybe you were all a little off your game at this point, worn out from the big universe-saving event. Now, simple Hydra agents were kicking your ass. Shouldn’t Steve and Bucky have gotten to Whitehall and Bakshi by now?
You took a deep breath and wiped some sweat from your forehead as you got rid of all the agents around you. When you glanced in Peter’s direction, you saw he was struggling. He was fighting off one of the super soldiers, and while Peter was strong and had his Iron Spidey suit, the soldier had serum running through his veins. It was a pretty equal fight. And Peter was so busy with that soldier that he didn’t notice the Hydra agent approaching him from behind. Your eyes grew wide, and you called Peter’s name. He either didn’t hear you or was too busy to turn. So, you mustered up your super speed, rushed behind him, and took the bullet meant for him in your stomach.
Peter heard the shot ring out and felt your body slump against him. He turned and yanked the gun out of the agent’s hands with his web and shot a taser web at his heart. Tony approached to help with the super soldier, so Peter collapsed to your side. “(Y/N),” he said.
He felt like everything fell silent. He didn’t know what was happening. All he saw was your limp body and the blood gushing through your shirt. You put your hand on the wound and winced, then felt a drop of rain hit your nose. Just like that, it started to pour, making the blood soak into your suit faster. You could just make out the rest of the team speaking in the coms.
“We got Whitehall and Bakshi,” Steve said. “How’s it-”
“(Y/N)’s down!” Peter cried. “We, I don’t know, shit!”
“What happened?” Clint asked.
“Gunshot,” he said. “In, in the stomach. It’s-” He cut himself off with a shaky breath.
“All super soldiers are down,” Thor said. “We’re all coming to you now.”
Peter held you in his arms and pushed some hair from your face. “What were you thinking?” he whispered. Before you could say anything, a rumble of thunder sounded and he added, “We gotta get you out of this rain.”
“Pete,” you laughed breathlessly, “a little fall of rain isn’t going to hurt me now, and you know it.”
“Don't talk like that,” he said, his voice cracking. “You’re going to be okay.” You felt blood drip out of your mouth, and Peter wiped it away.
“MJ likes you,” you said.
“What?” Peter asked, keeping his hand on your cheek.
“I’m sorry,” you said. “I lied to you. MJ really likes you. I just didn’t want to tell you.” He opened his mouth like he was about to ask why, but he figured it out just as fast.
“(Y/N),” he whispered. “We can get you help. Just-”
“I’m okay,” you assured him. “Nothing hurts, and-” You paused and smiled weakly. “You’re here, and that’s all I need. Just don’t leave me.”
“I won’t,” he whispered, pushing some more hair away from your face. Tears mixed with the rain hitting his face, and his body was shaking now. “If I could make all of this go away just by reminding you how much I love you, I would.”
“Just hold me,” you said. “It’s okay.”
The others were starting to walk over to the pair of you, but Peter didn’t move from your side. He rocked you softly in his arms. “I’ll stay with you until you’re asleep,” he whispered. “Don’t worry.” You were quiet for a moment, and he feared he already lost you. Then, you spoke again, so softly it was barely audible.
“Peter?” you asked.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Will you do something for me?” you said.
“Anything.”
You swallowed thickly and let your eyes flutter closed. “Kiss me when I’m gone,” you whispered. “I’ll feel it.”
“(Y/N)-”
“You know what, Peter Parker?” you said, cutting him off. You forced your eyes open and gave him one last smile. “I think I’ve always been in love with you.”
Peter could see the life leave your eyes. Still, he sniffed and pressed his hand to your cheek. “(Y/N)?” he croaked out. “Please. Please, wake up.”
“Pete,” Tony said, resting his hand on the kid’s shoulder.
“No,” he cried. “No. She’s okay. She has to be okay.”
Peter looked at the man behind him, then over his shoulder at all the others watching. They all looked devastated. Clint was standing with his back to the scene, his shoulders visibly shaking. Nat stood beside him and rubbed his back. Peter blinked back some more tears and looked back down at you. He closed your eyes with the pads of his fingers and pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. “I’m so sorry, (Y/N),” he whispered.
Peter never loved you the way you loved him, but there was still love there. Now, holding your limp body in his arms, he wasn’t sure how he’d ever love again.
----- ----- ----- -----
add yourself to my TAGLIST
ALL: @bangtan-serendipity | @planetdemon | @the-singing-clown406 | @tomshufflepuff | @bluelalal | @grandloser | @jackiehollanderr | @mindset-jupiter | @bisexual-sk8r | @feel-like-gold | @runaway-apple | @miraclesoflove | @marvelismylifffe| @wonderbyers | @coraz0ndcristal| @lizmarvel | @delicately-important-trash | @superhoorny4daddy
PETER: @hannihannelora | @lbuck121 | @quaksonhehe
If you want to be taken off the list (or be put on for only certain people) just message me and let me know!
#peter parker#peter parker imagine#peter parker x reader#peter parker angst#spiderman#spiderman imagine#spider-man#spider-man imagine#marvel#avengers#so much angst#les mis#les miserables
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2020 in review!!
Rules: answer some questions about 2020 and tag some people!
tagged by the lovely @nakey-cats-take-bathsss thank you. i adore u🥺
Top Five Films you watched in 2020:
okay do they have to be made in 2020? bc these are not and most of them i rewatched recently but they are still amazing!!! plus im not a rlly big movie watcher sorry
stardust (2007) | the princess bride | hamilton (? movie) | les mis | tombstone
Top Five TV Shows you watched in 2020:
MERLIN (again that is) | THE WITCHER | JULIE AND THE PHANTOMS | UMBRELLA ACADEMY | LEGION
they are in all caps because i love them sm
Top Five Songs of 2020:
ahhhh i dont think any of my music came out this year ansjkskaka except one (?) and its a complete soundtracks bc all bops
hamilton soundtrack (lol) | jatp soundtrack (lol) | the messenger by linkin park | wasteland, baby by hozier | patience by chris cornell
Top Five Books of 2020:
empire of storms by sjm | kingdom of ash by sjm | red queen by victoria aveyard | king’s cage by victoria aveyard | heir of fire by sjm
OKAY im sorry it’s mostly the throne of glass series...they just affected me so much and i adore them with all i have (i binged them all for the first time in two months this year ajsjakak). i just bought like five/six or so books that ill be reading soon. i also read, in 2020, the shadows between us (which was a fun binge), the selection (unpopular opinion is that i actually rlly didn’t like it LOL) and born in fire (and most of raised in fire... i burned out, unintentional pun, so i didn’t finish them but they were highly entertaining. def chilling adventures of sabrina vibe)
Top Five Fanfictions of 2020:
god okay here i go..i have so many but these five left lasting imprints on me when i read them this year:
The Warrior and The Embers by cicada-bones!! pls read it if you’ve read the throne of glass series.. it’s fucking incredible
Sanctuary by @clarkcsbellamy it feels like forever ago i read this but man,,, bellarke in this is to live for
Why Sparrows Were Outlawed in Camelot by @livinginatimeof-myths (WIP) of my all time favorite reads and the author is simply lovely and amazing.
So Says The Sword by komodobits.... first destiel fic ive ever read and it fucked me up. big time
Darkest Before the Dawn by RocknVaughn.... man this one fucked me up too. merthur is beautiful in this ajsjsks
Eight positive things/things I’m grateful for:
1. my family 🥺🥺 | 2. @teaamfreewill bc she made my year bright and amazing | 3. honestly, getting back into reading has been such a pleasure. binge reading is so much fun and im so happy i decided to do it again (albeit later in the year. next year will be more reading, hopefully) | 4. merthur.. tbh this shit brings me so much joy (so does bellarke but honestly still sore) | 5. my puppies 🐶 i love my two poms w all my heart | 6. fanfic writers because you guys are the true fucking heroes of 2020 | 7. gif/content creators because you guys are so fucking talented and deserve more praise | 8. my therapist!!! that might sound weird but it’s taken me years to find one that works for me and it is so much better now for me since i like her!!🥺
saying hello and happy new year🥺/no pressure tags: @peggysousfan @simpendragons @yourebeautifuleverylilpiecelove @slutforfruit @teaamfreewill (sorry for the double tag queen) @its-hyperfixation @igotbellarkeforthat
#ashley rambles#tag games#positivity#new years tag#rowaelin#bellarke#merthur#destiel#fanfic writers#content creators#fanfiction#long post
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love was made for me and you (and you)
originally posted: february 15th, 2019
word count: 22,821 words
rated: teen
beatrice baudelaire/bertrand baudelaire/lemony snicket, beatrice baudelaire/lemony snicket, beatrice baudelaire/bertrand baudelaire
violet baudelaire, klaus baudelaire, beatrice baudelaire, lemony snicket, bertrand baudelaire, kit snicket, the duchess of winnipeg, dewey denouement, olivia caliban, beatrice snicket
alternate universe – modern setting, alternate universe – everybody lives/nobody dies, alternate universe – parent trap fusion, family, romantic comedy, humor, with occasional required sad undertones, screenplay/script format, less of a fic and more of an outline but one hell of an outline, with enthusiastic swearing by yours truly, referenced but very background kit/dewey and duchess/olivia
Summary:
[so beatrice is nicholas, lemony is elizabeth, violet is annie, klaus is hallie, bertrand is the absolute worst at being meredith because he is a Genuinely Nice Person so honestly he’s really not meredith at all, and those parallels are all a little loose anyway because i moved places and conversations and character roles and basically everything around, everyone is just a mess. where is vfd????? i sure don't know.]
Notes:
back in march 2018, the good the iconic the legendary the CLASSIC ace attorney parent trap au came back on my dash and I decided to rewatch the parent trap a few days later, and as I was watching it, I thought, ‘i wonder how that would work with asoue, and lemony and beatrice, and of course with them getting together with bertrand,’ because I will of course ship the three of them together in any fic I can, but I told myself ‘girl, you cannot write this fic. you have too many other fics to write, you canNOT write this fic.’
I then told myself, ‘well, yeah, okay, but that doesn’t mean I can’t outline it.’
and then the outline spun wildly out of control, to the point where i was never going to write it as a full actual fic because it wasn't going to work like that anymore, but also to the point where it had a life of its own and was in my opinion somehow still worth reading like an actual fic. this is over 20k of a lemonberry ice parent trap au half-fic/half-outline/half-weird-script/wonderful mess of conversations and headcanons, and I genuinely hope my weirdly detailed ramblings (and unapologetic swearing) bring people as much unbridled joy as they bring me. I wrote this with the intention to have fun, and I hope!! you have fun too!!!
I think you can get through this with a working knowledge of the parent trap movie (1998 version) but a thorough knowledge is also very good
title obviously corrupted from love by nat king cole
.
lemony and beatrice, young and definitely foolish and definitely in love but totally not thinking this through, marry (fairly soon after college) and beatrice has twins, violet and klaus (violet is two minutes older, their birthday in this splits the difference between (what I personally image to be) their canon birthdays, so that’s, what, january 8th or something???? first I had it as the 3rd but nick and liz marry in the movie on january 8th and I was like ‘well that’s not too big a change to make in the name of a good reference’).
not long after, their marriage dissolves (for, well, pretty much canon reasons???? I mean like with less accusations of arson and criminal activity. lemony has Radical Commitment Issues and beatrice is Impulsive and Angry and Not Taking Anyone’s Shit and honestly how they made it through marriage and having kids with all those problems completely in tact and never doing anything about them is anyone’s guess, love is Occasionally Not Cool), they divorce, and lemony takes violet and beatrice takes klaus.
they both leave The City which I have always imagined as new york even though i’ve never spent a second there in my life, but anyway, beatrice does go to california (she likes the weather, but she does not end up in sanfran (danhan’s hometown) – the part of me simultaneously obsessed with a different fandom is screaming santa barbara!!!! but no i’m going to stick with the movie and say although she’s not in a vineyard she is in napa), the idea of lemony just being in england as like, a concept, and especially with a broken heart, is hilarious to me
kit: do I have to confiscate your copy of keats?
kit: do I?
kit: do I, lemony??????
beatrice raises klaus with the help of the duchess of winnipeg (and ramona’s delightfully sentimental and frankly adorable wife, olivia caliban, I will sail this ship single-handedly I guess) (what is ramona doing in california????? OH MAN DO I FINALLY GET TO BUST OUT THIS LINE I TOOK OUT OF THE BAYBEA FIC
ramona: have you seen winnipeg lately???
ramona: there’s not much for me to duchess over.
actually it’s probably that ramona’s mother is still alive in this (otherwise what would be the POINT of everybody lives/nobody dies modern au???? fucking fight me) and she takes care of winnipeg and ramona was like ‘…...canada’s not doing it for me’ and her mother was like ‘canada doesn’t do it much for anyone, dear.’ and ramona skedaddled to california with olivia, which worked out because they have banging careers as artists out in california.) (ramona paints (she likes watercolors and pastels), olivia actually writes historical fiction lesbian romance novels (where everyone also lives!!! she writes an on point jazz age novel only everyone lives and it’s great) (why historical fiction??? olivia is a sucker for romance and loves big sweeping romance epics….and ramona) (are her books just. period piece self-inserts with her and ramona??? well why the FUCK not), they are both………..really too good for this world.) (anyway bea has zero (0) family with which to raise klaus so ramona and olivia offer to help her out. out of the goodness of their hearts and long-standing friendship, not because they have any experience raising a child. they do not. have any experience.)
and lemony raises violet with the help of his sister. kit and dewey get together earlier, and have their daughter earlier (violet’s….five or six when she’s born?), and name her (obvs not beatrice) bernadette (I have Specific Reasons for naming her bernadette, however that is in my giant list of bernadette headcanons, which is a whole other Thing). beatrice is an actress (klaus can’t act for shit, sorry), lemony is a writer (violet doesn’t have a poetic bone in her body, sorry). (but violet can act and klaus is pretty good at putting words together.)
ELEVEN YEARS AGO BY, or, well, eleven and a half, I guess, eleven and a half delightful years filled with the following –
-lemony and beatrice fervently denying they ever married each other and trying to forget the other even exists, what do you mean you have photographic evidence, we were definitely not married
-ramona’s mother briefly going to california to tell three grown women how to change a diaper
-klaus, age one and a half, crawling up the staircase in their house all by himself to get to the library, beatrice promptly dies out of sheer terror
(true event. I did that.)
-violet getting ahold of a wrench at the same age and fixing one of the loose bars in her crib
(not a true event. I did not do that.)
-dewey and jacques, trying to fix the curtains in violet’s room, immediately and silently agreeing to never tell lemony they were The Worst Uncles In Existence for five seconds for accidentally dropping the wrench in violet’s crib
-beatrice training herself not to do a double-take every time she sees klaus with a book because he looks fleetingly like lemony, just for that second
-lemony lulling violet to sleep with a variety of accordion songs, violet’s favorite is his rendition of what he says is ‘a song about spending a day on the beach’ but is actually why I cry by the magnetic fields (particularly danhan’s rendition of it with ben gibbard.)
-hey I never said they were successful at forgetting each other, especially when the kids were kids
-a truly harrowing number of children’s birthday parties
-kit snicket, who firmly kept her maiden name, going through what she called ‘The Chillest Pregnancy In Existence, Look At Me, I’m Completely Fucking Calm’ in the middle of labor
-klaus going through a period where he only read poetry, which caused bea and ramona and olivia to speak in rhyme for a week
-violet insisting she could fix the toaster and promptly not fixing the toaster because nothing was wrong with the toaster (it just wasn’t plugged in.)
-beatrice appearing in a number of plays, klaus being enchanted when she’s in les mis and reading the book but, in fact, only finding the outrageously long sewer chapter interesting
-violet trying to write a poem for lemony for father’s day and rhyming ‘orange’ with ‘mortgage’
that summer, they both wind up sending violet and klaus to the same summer camp excursion, because what sort of comedy would this be without the wildest coincidence ever, honestly
kit drops violet off at the camp a la martin – will lemony get on a plane?? that is a resounding No (also he would have just cried the whole time. the whole time. the. whole. time.)
however lemony is the one who does the ‘fruits, vegetables’ thing, only before violet leaves, and he gives her a million hugs and honestly doesn’t want her to go to camp oh my god, it’s only because violet tells him he’s sort of squishing her that he stops hugging her, lemony is???? like the most concerned parent of all time
kit, meanwhile….
kit: I was going to give you a new dart set but I was informed that they would not let you through customs.
violet: uncle dewey told you, didn’t he.
kit: I married a real killjoy, violet.
I honestly cannot think of a scene for klaus to parallel hallie meeting glasses and tie dye girl while getting her duffel bag. I thought of putting the quagmires in this but I think that’s…...pushing the identical envelope a little here (would’ve been worth it though for the brief note I used to have here that was just isadora shouting ‘HOW DID THEY TAKE SO LONG TO REALIZE THEY WERE RELATED THEY LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE’)
i’m sure they hang out with like-minded people before running into each other, it’s a good camp and they literally never talk to those other characters again anyway, which is, a real shame
we can all at least rest assured that klaus gets to camp in once piece regardless and doesn’t have a conversation about darts and airport customs, anyway beatrice, ramona, and olivia each smuggle a deck of cards into his suitcase as a surprise and he has three card decks and impresses all the other kids in his cabin with a giant architecturally sound house of cards made to resemble thoreau’s cabin at walden pond
hey annie and hallie are both allergic to strawberries and KLAUS AND VIOLET ARE ALLERGIC TO PEPPERMINTS
before they meet there’s probably a moment like with marva sr and the strawberries (I just had a horrifying thought that JEROME is the camp counselor (esme is nowhere in this. olaf is nowhere in this.) and that’s…………..awful, but, as I was writing the following scene, you know who I wrote him more like?????? arthur fucking poe, what did I just fucking do, honestly poe is a WORSE choice but…...well
mr. poe: we have peppermint brownies today!
[I just saw someone on the food network make peppermint cheesecake brownies and I want them so bad]
klaus: oh, i’m allergic
mr. poe: oh, well, please live
mr. poe: I cannot perform cpr
klaus: …………………………………………………………….shouldn’t you maybe –
mr. poe: for your own personal safety and especially my own i’m going to have to ask you to step away from the brownies
[violet shows up on mr poe’s other side]
violet: oh! peppermint, i’m allergic
mr. poe: another – didn’t I just see you? how did your hair get longer that fast? that’s not an allergic reaction, is it?
violet: ……………………………………………………………...i don’t think that’s –
mr. poe: i’m going to eat this entire brownie pan to save lives, but also because I want these brownies
he came out more like show!poe instead of book!poe but, I do not care, no one cares about mr. poe.
SO, violet and klaus eventually do meet and have practically zero immediate animosity, also through fencing!!! lemony and bea are both canonically badass fencers but I stand by what I said in fight me, that lemony is the better fencer, and violet wins. klaus concedes his loss to a talented fencer. they take off their masks and are like WHOA WE LOOK REASONABLY SIMILAR
violet: I don’t know, I think your eyes might be little farther apart than mine.
klaus: oh, don’t worry, i’ll probably grow into them. it can take some time before people really grow into their faces.
however this does get them talking and they find out they have so much in common! they’re like, ‘you like books and only have one super weird parent??? what a coincidence!’
then they find out they both play cards. (this stays, cause poker games are gold and I am reasonably sure watching the parent trap so much as a kid was what instilled this love of ‘hilarious poker games’ in me because I used to jam them into my fanfics all the time.) (also explains why I only know two poker hands….)
they hold an (amicable!) poker game that night with all the campers, and they do like a round robin tournament sort of thing and swap tips all night until it’s just the two of them facing each other, and klaus wins. (lemony is Pretty Good at cards and definitely taught violet BUT you’re damn right bea taught her kid how to count cards. not that klaus wins through cheating, he also has a natural talent and bea’s impeccable poker face. klaus also hangs out with ramona, who has repeatedly kicked lemony’s ass at cards as well.)
since they still have to wind up in the isolation cabin (because how else are they going to secretly plan swapping identities with NO GODDAMN COUNSELOR noticing???), CARMELITA is at camp and busts them for the poker game. she got eliminated pretty early in the game and camped out outside the cabin the rest of the kids were in waiting until someone won and then got mr. poe.
mr poe: gambling is not for children! unless of course you have a verified accountant or, perhaps, an established banker who wanted to embark on a personal journey and decided to run a camp for small children but has always wanted to go back and manage money again because, you know, even after the two scandals, I was good at – but we don’t have time for this, violet, klaus, it’s very irresponsible to try and get adults going on a tangent to avoid your responsibilities.
violet and klaus: but we didn’t –
mr poe: i’m afraid that I have no other choice but to send you to the isolation cabin.
carmelita: cakesniffers in the isolation cabin!!! CAKESNIFFERS IN THE ISOLATION CABIN!!!!
oh……..that was painful.
AT LEAST THE CABIN IS LIKE A NICE GOOD CABIN AND NOT the orphan shack, also like how far into the woods is the isolation cabin???? do the marvas really just leave kids out there?????? come on, marvas…..
and so our heroes get stuck in a windy lil cabin out in the woods.
what do they do when they hang out there, since they have Zero Animosity???? talk about books. read books. klaus does sketches of various local leaves. violet rewires the lamps so they don’t flicker and rigs up the windows so they don’t bang open in the middle of the night. the only thing they argue about is how to make toast, which isn’t even IN the cabin (unless violet makes something into a toaster), whatever
does klaus have a stuffed animal like cuppy???? damn straight he does. because why the hell not. (some boys play with dolls? SOME BOYS HAVE STUFFED ANIMALS)
i’m being really basic here but it’s a teddy bear BUT bea made lil wire glasses for it because klaus got glasses when he was real little so she thought he’d feel better if his favorite stuffed animal also had glasses (bea wears glasses but she HATES wearing them although I think after klaus gets glasses she tries to wear them more because bea is supportive as hell) (she needs new glasses though like they’re still these big thick black frames from her goth phase and she hates them but she hates the idea of an eye doctor appointment more) (bold of me to assume bea has ever honestly stopped having a goth phase, though…)
oh gosh what is the bear’s name
what’s something like super nerdy but cute for a small book-loving child to have named a bear
oh no, he names it kenneth. bea reads baby klaus the wind in the willows and he names his bear kenneth and this is so cute. I can’t fucking handle this, oh my god
honestly I am one of those people who thinks oreos w/ peanut butter would be pretty disgusting. (I mean, without the cream in the middle, sure, that probably tastes good, but like, with the cream and the peanut butter???? no) their snack of choice is………….hey isn’t there a snack in penultimate peril at the picnic it’s mentioned they like
or is just because I have that particular book within three feet of me, i’m gonna check
okay, it does mention that klaus likes custard eclairs, violet makes a smoked fish sandwich and wants to try the chocolate spread. maybe they just like oreos, sans peanut butter. I like oreos. (also, you can’t stash eclairs in a suitcase.
olivia, staring at a series of freshly-baked custard eclairs and a collection of tupperware containers: ….do you think I made too much??
ramona: olivia, he’s – he’s just going to summer camp.)
ANYWAY, how do they realize they’re siblings???? like???? how do
do they have half pictures in this??????? I think that’s honestly going to be the easiest way
like, of course lemony and beatrice would have a wedding picture, and they are both absolutely extra and dramatic enough to have each other’s half
it probably is still a ‘sitting at a table, staring lovingly at each other’ sort of thing, lemony in a white suit and beatrice in a suitably extravagant but actually still somehow very low-key for her wedding dress (there’s a lot of tulle though, like………..layers of tulle………………………..), their color scheme flower-wise was red and white roses because like, what fucking else would they pick at that time (they are only JUST convinced by like, jacques, probably, to do red/white instead of red/black, beatrice personally wanted purple/black)
kit gave violet the picture of beatrice, because while she hasn’t spoken to beatrice since her brother’s divorce, she does think lemony and bea could stand to talk to each other
(although I headcanon kit as the kind of person to firmly forget about past romances and put them behind her THROUGH ANY MEANS NECESSARY this is not strict asoue canon, and she always liked beatrice, anyway. lemony and bea breaking up isn’t like kit and olaf breaking up, which, i’m not even gonna try and touch in this)
klaus found the picture of lemony when he was reading through anna karenina (beatrice forgot she put it in there when she let klaus read it) and figured immediately that it had to be his father, and he kept it (maybe he showed it to ramona, who was like, ‘yep, that was your father. goodness, I forgot how awful his hair looked back then.’)
they’re probably reading some book about geography (klaus is into geography at the time)
klaus: my mother says that for my birthday next year, she’ll take me on a trip to see the famous hinterlands sunset.
violet: my father’s shown me pictures, but he agrees that it’s a lot prettier in person, but he’s also not one for planes.
klaus: well, I don’t believe hinterlands are technically confined to one geographical area, i’m sure there’s more than just in california – here, i’m sure there must be more information in the index.
violet: when’s your birthday, klaus?
klaus: january 8th.
violet: !!!! that’s my birthday!
klaus: !!! that is an extraordinary coincidence.
I never said these kids were smart.
klaus: violet, what’s your father like?
violet: he’s kind of quiet, but he’s very kind. oh, I have a picture of him – well, sort of –
she pulls out from one of her own books a picture of lemony, from behind, sitting at his desk at his typewriter, absolutely no recognizable features present whatsoever
violet: he didn’t know aunt kit was taking the picture, otherwise he would’ve turned around.
violet: actually, even then he probably wouldn’t have? he insists he’s not very photogenic.
violet: what about your father?
klaus: i’ve never met him. he’s – my mother doesn’t talk about him much, but I got the impression that they divorced shortly after I was born.
violet: oh, gosh. i’m sorry, klaus.
violet: ….sometimes I think I get that impression too, about my parents.
klaus: i’m sorry too, violet.
and if this were a snicket novel, insert soft, gentle explanation about divorce and commiseration and finding kindred spirits in your friends and how sometimes love does not work out and the affects we don’t realize it has on the children who watch it happen or see the aftermath and are left with the gnawing wonder of what went wrong and how violet and klaus each wonder, a little, what the cause was, and it can be very lonely, at the end of the day, to know that even if you have one parent who loves you very much, there is someone out there who may not love you at all, and never got the chance to know you to love you, and an even deeper part of you that wonders – no matter how young you were – were you the cause of it?
violet: oh, but I – I have a picture of my mother, my aunt kit gave it to me – I have it in my suitcase
violet: /gets up to get the picture
klaus: I, I have a picture of my father, too, in fact I think it’s stuck in this book somewhere in the back, I didn’t want to forget it
and
as violet goes to sit back down with the picture of her mother, the half-picture of beatrice from her wedding day, klaus pulls out from the index the half-picture of lemony from his wedding day
and they are
STUNNED
to realize
this is, of course, the exact same picture.
there’s a lot of hugging and crying.
so they realize they’re siblings!!! and then decide try to figure out what the hell even happened with their parents, because now that they know they’re fucking related and still somehow wound up meeting each other they realize that there has to be some incredibly detailed story behind the reasoning for their parents splitting up and now they have not just proof but an actual opportunity to find out and maybe, just maybe, get their parents back together in the process!!! it worked once!!! it could work again, why not!!!!!
AND SO THEY DECIDE TO SWAP PLACES. (contrary to hallie having the idea, it occurs to them at the same time.)
meanwhile
for the past, say, YEAR, or so, bea has been seeing bertrand, a friend from her childhood (just narrowly managing to keep it from klaus BECAUSE it will involve A Conversation About Lemony and Commitment and Marriage and Things Not Working Out and Falling In Love With Someone Else and look bea is good at a lot of things but it’s a really heavy subject for her that even after eleven years she hasn’t quite figured out how to parse, so she’s really been putting off trying to explain all of that to klaus, in a case of her vastly underestimating her son [bea you see all the books he reads…….talk to your son]), and things are going well between them and they love each other a lot and!!! they decide to get married.
how do they meet up again??? bertrand winds up going to one of her plays completely on accident. he’s been on the other side of the country for years and years and he happens to go to napa and hears about this play happening and he’s like ‘well that sounds really neat!’ because bertrand had a short-lived theater career in high school and doesn’t act all that much anymore but appreciates a good play! who doesn’t appreciate a good play??
(bertrand played lieutenant frank cioffi in his senior year production of curtains to rave local newspaper reviews. bea, meanwhile, gave a stunning performance as carmen bernstein [esme wanted to be carmen so fucking bad and she’s never forgotten that bea got the role instead, and that would not even factor into this au even if esme WAS in this au] [esme was, instead, jessica cranshaw (if it was a small school she maybe doubled as bambi), ramona was niki harris, olivia played johnny harmon, olaf was…...daryl grady……..which pains me to write cause the guy I had a crush on in high school played daryl, josephine and ike played georgia hendricks and aaron fox, jacquelyn and gustav were head of stage crew, lemony supported them all from the audience – unless lemony was sasha????!!!!!!!! okay lemony was totally sasha.]) (wow I got unnecessarily invested in their high school drama club.) (IS THEODORA THE DRAMA ADVISOR?????? oh my god. oh my god she’d be so bad at it but so good. i’m dying.
theodora: snicket you need to FLOURISH your baton with MUCH MORE GUSTO
lemony: I am going to flourish this baton right up your –
bertrand: HE’S DECIDED AGAINST IT THANK YOU MISS MARKSON)
(hey you ever write a parallel that’s so good you hate it????? olivia is johnny. olaf is daryl.)
(I usually headcanon bertrand as two years older than bea and lemony but for the purposes of this au they’re all the same age – however bertrand joined drama club first, and I picture lemony as more of a band kid than a drama kid, they probably just pull him in for curtains.
was lemony drum major???? I want to say ‘hell no’ but I also want to say ‘most cryptic drum major ever, lead the most bizarre championship performance in the school’s history, somehow still won’) (I wonder what song it was to???? that right there is where my secondhand band knowledge conks out.) (but if I HAD to supply ‘bizarre, cryptic song for championships’ I would probably pick like, david lynch’s dark night of the soul or something, idk.) (but like, listen to it and just imagine it with marching band instruments……….i kind of like it. i’m kind of digging it.)
ANYWAY BERTRAND LOVES SEEING PLAYS and he goes to see it and he has NO IDEA bea is even in it and he’s like SUPER THROWN to see her but also???? really excited! it’s been eleven years!!! he can talk to her!!!! he finds her after the play and bea immediately drops whatever she was holding and is just like???? absolutely breathless to see him again (it’s been ELEVEN YEARS, cats. oh god no it’s been more like FIFTEEN YEARS since bertrand has seen bea cause they haven’t spoken since high school oh no that hurts even MORE). a giantass hug is involved. bea spins bertrand around. they make plans to see each other later. then they start hanging out, and they like, reconcile from their weird high school fallout and have a really neat relationship)
(so
the high school fallout
lemony and bea and bertrand were all delightful friends since they were kids (well, lemony and bea were, bertrand moved to town and joined their class when they were freshman in high school). they all had stupid crushes on each other, uggg. there was. an incident. at the end of their school escapades that resulted in a falling out with bertrand (maybe they had an idea of how they all felt and just couldn’t or weren’t ready to figure it out and it sort of. drove a wedge between them. not on purpose, it was just the way it happened to work out, with teenage emotions and refusing to talk about things and uncertainty. lemony+bea and bertrand went their separate ways after graduation, lemony and bea married right out of college, bertrand does his own thing, life goes on.) (maybe there was like some prom drama about who was gonna take who and who asked who first or something (at my junior prom, I was ready to kill the guy I asked who turned me down for that very reason). I mean that’s legit???? prom drama is incredibly legit. why is there so much drama at prom??????)
(honestly after going back and writing the production of curtains and remembering the (specifically romance-related) drama I witnessed happening among the drama club at my high school (I wasn’t in drama but I had a startling number of friends who were) i’m surprised they had the drama at prom and not in the middle of drama club, but i’m still going to stand by ‘prom drama.’)
(and I feel like it was prom drama of the type that’s like, low-key there and A Thing people think about but no one talks about or addresses so the whole night is real awkward and you worry something is gonna break out at any second but nothing does but you’re still obsessively on your toes about it. like, that simultaneously high-strung just-there high school romance drama angst that’s just this ever-present layer coloring everything that people say and do, hyped up specifically because it’s PROM. they probably all danced with each other and the dances were all cut short because of Feelings and Awkwardness and no one knew what to do, the whole damn night.)
and like, bertrand, going off to college and a little heartbroken but unwilling to try and do anything about it, is upset, but bertrand is also bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire, and honestly he wants them to be happy (bertrand is……..very non-confrontational……….and it is honestly his downfall, he likes to have fun and be nice and kind, and to acknowledge scary things is to actually deal with them and that scares bertrand so much, he buries a lot of things – so do bea and lemony, and in fact all of vfd, but in very different ways. bertrand has achieved a sort of Chill™ that bea and lemony just do not have) so he just goes on with his life, he does date other people but nothing ends in marriage, he becomes a librarian in maine and is actually only in california originally for a few months to help manage some of the collections at local libraries. then he runs into bea and he doesn’t like INTEND for a romance to happen (and neither does bea, which I also firmly stand behind for their canon romance too), he still planned to leave at the end of the few months, but it happens and bertrand feels a lot more secure in himself and his feelings about people than he did in high school and they really do love each other, a lot
oh he went to college for library science!!!! obviously lemony majored in lit and bea majored in theater and music)
(OH NO WAS BERTRAND AT THE WEDDING?????? oh no bertrand was not at the wedding. I mean he’s certainly invited but bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire is also bertrand ‘vaguely heartbroken, does not want to interfere, can actually honestly only take so much’ baudelaire and he says that he’ll be unable to make it. sigh. I want to say he sends a sweet wedding gift or even just flowers but man that makes me so sad to think about lemony and bea getting that on/around their wedding day and THEM being sad and i’m too sad now, bertrand does not send a gift. (he’s torn up about not sending a gift for some time. years later, walking through an antique shop, he is struck with the ‘Years Later But Still Feels Like It Just Happened And Oh Shit Why Did I Do That’ brand of Lingering Awful Anxiety™ about all that.)
HE DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT THE DIVORCE until he meets up with bea and she tells him.
bertrand: so how’s lemony????
beatrice: ahahhahahhahahhahhahahhahhahhahhahhahahaaaa!!!!!!
beatrice: ahahaha
beatrice: ahaha.
beatrice: …….oh you genuinely do not know oh shit i’m sorry
(I wanted so badly to put in my ‘bertrand and olivia were good cute friends and actually are penpals and like lemony and ramona’s ongoing card game they have an ongoing checkers game’ headcanon but it just. won’t. fit. in. here. cause why wouldn’t olivia have told him about the divorce???? I mean it’s bea’s thing to tell, NOT olivia’s, but to occasionally write to bertrand for YEARS and never mention she and ramona live with bea?????? I think that’s a little much.)
(does bertrand ever try and convince bea to reconcile with lemony???? I feel like at this point in his life he WOULD but bea would have very early on and very firmly vetoed that. and bertrand wouldn’t necessarily be happy about it but respects her wishes. not because he wants bea all to himself. but because bertrand is also quite frankly still. a little nervous re: navigating relationships. like he’s for sure A LOT BETTER at it now but like!!!! especially with lemony like bertrand is TERRIFIED of seeing lemony again. he really is. I think he thinks lemony blames him for stuff even though lemony does not. and I don’t want it to seem like bertrand’s……….just sort of swooping in and taking bea and not letting her talk to lemony????? cause it’s not that, it’s not that at all
they do really love each other
and just because bertrand’s grown as a person doesn’t mean he’s PERFECT
and bea certainly Does Not want to talk to lemony
it’s just, nick never mentions to meredith that hallie’s a twin and meredith HATES hallie and annie anyway, but bertrand does not hate kids and I just wonder, has bea told him about violet???????? like why wouldn’t she????????
so I mean yeah they probably have talked about it, and probably still came to the same conclusion, bea Does Not want to talk to lemony either, just, not right now, and yeah bertrand isn’t delighted about it but he’s like ‘alright, okay.’ because he still understands her reasoning and for all his talk he really doesn’t want to talk to lemony either
but it’s, I think it’s a thing, in the back of their minds, a worry that hits them sometimes, have they done something wrong, trying to forget)
(and this is why planning takes so much time because I always have so many stupid questions about characters)
(when bea and lemony were young and in college and extraordinarily drunk they would come up with new titles for bertrand, because they forgot they were trying not to talk about him
beatrice: bertrand ‘best hair this side of the mississippi’ baudelaire
lemony: bertrand ‘smooth hands’ baudelaire
beatrice: bertrand –
beatrice: wait do you mean like, his legit hands or like what he DOES with his hands
lemony, trying very hard not to think about Doing Things with Hands: ……..both
lemony: I definitely mean both
beatrice: good, I agree
beatrice: bertrand ‘i WILL dance the charleston and no one will stop me and I do not care’ baudelaire
lemony: bertrand ‘softest reading voice’ baudelaire
lemony: no no, wait, bertrand ‘BEST reading voice’ baudelaire, remember when he read ee cummings
beatrice: bertrand ‘i read lord of the flies and cried at the end’ baudelaire
lemony: oh bea are you complimenting him or being mean
beatrice: lemony I read lord of the flies and threw it out the fucking window when that kid killed piggy
beatrice: that was a compliment)
(ee cummings is because I have a scene in another fic where bertrand reads ‘maggie and milly and molly and may’ to beatrice and lemony and gosh…..i hope I get to use it at some point, it was a beautiful scene)
(they probably stop talking about bertrand like, sophomore year of college, idk, it just gets too hard and they become really miserable drunk nineteen-year-olds about it, and that’s not cool) (AT LEAST THEY HAVE THE WHEREWITHAL TO DO THAT)
ANYWAY, back to violet and klaus, who are still at camp and have decided to switch places!
ultimately, violet (like hallie) is supposed to find out how bea and lemony got together, and klaus (like annie) is supposed to find out why they broke up
violet cuts her hair (she’s a little bummed because she likes her hair but at least it won’t get in her way when inventing) and pierces klaus’s ears (klaus is so UP FOR THIS he’s very excited, also he keeps himself calm during it by telling violet the history of ear piercing) (these kids are either canonically very good at rationalizing or it’s just me radically projecting again…..or both), klaus practices wandering around without glasses (he bumps into EVERYTHING), violet practices how to fucking wear glasses and not die (she falls over EVERYTHING), of course violet already has an appreciation for books but she has to get the definition thing down (and growing up with lemony ‘a phrase which here means’ snicket left her with a pretty unorthodox idea of word meanings sometimes
klaus: so an optimist is someone who sees a positive side in any situation, like –
violet: say, if their arm was bit off by an alligator, a pessimist would say, “ahh! my arm!” and an optimist would say, “well, this isn’t too bad, no one will wonder if i’m right or left handed now.”
klaus: ……….what sort of person is our father
violet: he’s very specific about words.)
klaus has to figure out?????? how to invent on the fly????? (he’s seen beatrice macgyver a million things together but he’s still not sure how she does it) and the two of them teach each other about their lives, beatrice and lemony, ramona and olivia and kit and dewey and bernadette
violet: bernadette is really delightful, but you need to watch out for her
klaus: well, she is six years old –
violet: no, I mean, she can appear at a moment’s notice, and I don’t know who taught her how to pick locks, because I certainly didn’t and father can’t pick locks, but she can do it in under seven seconds.
(jacques taught her how to pick locks (he also taught violet). I don’t know where vfd fits into all this or if it even does in this fanfic but like, just try and tell me these guys don’t still act like absurd spies in any universe anyway.) (also I think lockpicking is, in general, a handy life skill, even if you aren’t living the absurd spy life.)
klaus: mother is, um
klaus: a little embarrassing
violet: how so?
klaus: she once scaled a ten foot wall because I forgot my lunch.
(ramona: hey so why did becoming a parent rob you of your top-notch secrecy skills?
[not necessarily, though, I mean, she does a great job scaling the ten-foot wall in complete secrecy. bea just, has a lot of love for her son, and is VERY OBVIOUS ABOUT IT, is the thing]
beatrice: ramona have you SEEN my son
beatrice: I will take a BULLET for him
beatrice: preferably in a non-critical area so we can hang out afterwards.
beatrice: but if I have to embarrass the shit out of him to make sure he eats, I WILL)
violet: father is the same way, a little. he keeps crying on the first day of school and I don’t have the heart to break it to him that I might be too old for that.
klaus: mother calls encouraging phrases from the car, which I think she does to prevent me from walking into school too fast.
violet: you know, they really sound like they were made for each other.
(lemony and bea, like, separately, are such legit disaster parents and I love them, they love their kids so damn much.)
the last day of camp comes, and it is time for them to officially swap places – violet goes to beatrice, klaus goes to lemony!
klaus recites book themes to himself the whole plane ride to england to keep himself calm because he’s trying not to think about how worried and excited he is!!! he’s going to meet his father for the first time!! truth be told, he knows pretty much nothing about lemony, even after talking to violet!!! IT’S A LOT FOR ANY KID TO TAKE IN, to suddenly think ‘yeah this was a good plan – oh fuck’
anyway, he meets kit at the airport, because kit is there to pick up violet. (kit and violet do not have a secret handshake. they have, of course, dart-throwing contests. of course that doesn’t make sense in an airport, but whatever. that’s their thing.)
why does kit pick klaus up at the airport instead of lemony??? I mean kit is in martin’s role but she’s NOT martin, you know, she’s lemony’s sister and definitely does not wait on him, but she does drop violet off at camp anyway, although in the movie that’s to prevent elizabeth (and nick) from showing up until the kids switch for Maximum Emotional Impact, but like lemony is obviously not THAT fucking busy he can’t pick up his own daughter
I had the thought that like kit is maybe his manager (on the side, otherwise she has….god some other job)??? does that work for a writer???? i’m a writer and I don’t even know. whatever. and kit maybe scheduled a reading that day by accident months in advance and couldn’t change it, or it runs long, so she has to get violet (klaus) from the airport
(moxie is still his editor, only she lives way out of town and they send angry emails to each other all the time about his work)
also ties in with hallie’s scene where she looks at elizabeth’s vanity and says she’s super cool about the wedding dresses cause I love that scene a LOT and I want klaus to think his stupid dad’s cool!!!
kit: violet, I am all for the beginning of your teenage rebellion with this new hairstyle but I should inform you that your father may just die.
klaus: you think he won’t like it??
[read: YOU THINK HE WON’T LIKE ME]
kit: he’ll probably come around to it. he’s still at his reading, do you want to surprise him?
klaus: !!!!!!
klaus: yes!
the reading is huge. I have no damn idea what lemony writes in this au, definitely not danhan’s stuff cause it’s not his vibe, but he still writes the picture books (although there are YEARS between them irl he wrote the composer is dead and the dark for bernadette before she became, in her words, Too Old For That Sort of Thing although she still secretly really likes them and reads the dark every night before she goes to bed. bernadette, in contrast to babybea, is fucking terrified of the dark but tries to like rationalize it out by thinking through the science of light or something, and then by just rereading the dark), oh he probably like, okay so he can’t just write asoue but he probably writes some other great children’s book series with the same sort of writing style and moral discussion, and the picture books
and violet told klaus he wrote stuff and bea like…..knows he does and refuses to talk about it but reads ramona’s copies in the middle of the night (and then has to stop doing that cause it bums her out too much), but klaus has no idea about it or how good it is and he’s so impressed, sitting at the back of this giant giant theater, and klaus loves books, he loves them with all his heart, and to sit there and see his father, for the first time in his whole life, doing something that klaus thinks is so incredibly cool
klaus: wow.
okay, so, the damn relief and happiness on lemony’s face when he sees kit and klaus
has he been imagining terrible airplane accidents for the past week? weeks? MONTHS??? yes he has.
he sees them once he gets offstage and immediately runs at this child (or, at least, definitely fastwalks.) and sweeps klaus up into this giant giant hug
klaus is!!! overwhelmed by the amount of sheer unadulterated love in this hug oh no i’m crying
putting aside that he’s pretending to be violet, this is the first time he gets a hug from his father and even if lemony thinks he’s violet klaus is still the one getting the hug and it’s just, a lot, man, it’s a lot, that scene in the movie where elizabeth hugs hallie is exactly the vibe right here god it’s so fucking sweet
lemony: oh, goodness – what happened to your hair?
klaus: I – I cut it. do you –
lemony is in the process of remembering that scissors and haircuts exist, he’s a little blindsided here
lemony: no, no – haircuts are things that happen, at one time or another, to all of us.
lemony: i’m just so happy that you’re back.
he just. hugs klaus again. god I can’t handle how much lemony loves his kids. klaus is really emotional and I’M really emotional I have to move on
on the ride home (kit is still driving)
lemony: so how was it at camp?
klaus: /frantically thinking of how he’s going to pull off something violet would say now that he’s HERE and has to act like her and decides to just be honest and hope it comes out okay
klaus: I had a lot of fun; the outdoors are incredibly pulchritudinous.
lemony: /thoroughly convinced that the outdoors has finally instilled violet with a greater poetic sense
I NEVER SAID THEIR PARENTS WERE SMART EITHER
do you know how wild the plot of this movie really is, when you get down to it, parents not recognizing their kids wtf have I done
violet can act pretty passably as klaus, but klaus, even employing beatrice’s acting techniques, just can’t act. but the one who finds him out is bernadette, like half an hour after he gets home.
[you can tell what scenes originally started this outline because they’re actually written like scenes, this was one of them]
[bernadette stares at klaus with wide, curious eyes over the top of her book. “you’re not violet,” she says.
the bottom of klaus’s stomach drops clear out. “what?”
“violet doesn’t squint when she’s confused,” bernadette says. “she frowns and puts her hair up. and it’s something she’s used to doing, so even if her hair was cut, she’d still reach for a ribbon, out of habit. you’re klaus. shouldn’t you have glasses? mother says aunt beatrice wore glasses.”
“how – how did you know about me?”
bernadette rolls her eyes. “i know everything,” she says loftily, for a six year old. “i can read, after all.”]
bernadette is the best kid. so I love babybea so much but babybea in canon is like…..still very on point but very quiet about it, because she’s grown up with really so little interaction with people????? she’s like a really subdued kid because she’s had to be so independent and do so many things herself. and she’s got her firm, almost unshakable optimism. so bernadette is still very quick and clever but a LOT more precocious about it and pretty boisterous for six years old and just. even more like kit than babybea is. her optimism is a little more…..sharp in this. I don’t think she understands embarrassment, as a thing that people experience, because she sure doesn’t. she’s just like, ‘well why don’t you just try again??????’ and it’s so great to see that inherent commitment to existence in a six year old
(an important sidenote from my bernadette headcanon list, though, is that she really does just read everything. she reads cereal boxes and magazines and reports and all the papers on lemony’s desk and really just absolutely anything she can get her hands on, and she’s easily bored so she goes looking for stuff sometimes and she’s good at putting things together, so that’s how she knows about klaus.)
[“i’m not gonna tell anybody,” she says. “i wanna see what happens. uncle lemony’s kind of lonely, you know? and aunt beatrice – when they talk about her – always sounded really nice.”]
bernadette makes it her MISSION to help klaus act more like violet and cover for him as much as she can
bernadette: you need to walk different
bernadette: and hold yourself a little taller
bernadette: here, keep this wrench in your pocket, violet likes wrenches
bernadette: and this ribbon!!! she didn’t give you any????
bernadette: oh, make sure you stare off into the distance while eating and think about machines or something
klaus: how do you notice all these things???
bernadette: ?????? doesn’t everybody?????? she’s your sister, you two didn’t follow each other around to try and pin down how you act????
klaus: …..do you do that, bernadette
bernadette: regularly. I can impersonate anyone’s footsteps. except my mother’s, because I think she keeps wearing different shoes on purpose. i’ll show you sometime.
so, armed with This Random Wrench and a lot of acting details that he can’t process very well, klaus HANGS OUT WITH LEMONY
so klaus spends a lot of time in the library in lemony’s house (which also doubles as lemony’s office, it’s big enough that he and violet can take separate corners and know each other’s there but not run into each other if they don’t want to (especially good for klaus pretending to be violet because no one has to see him TOTALLY FAIL AT INVENTING)), and it has so many books and klaus is so thrilled
klaus has to try and bring up bea and find out how they met, only, DISCREETLY
[gosh this one is a lot harder without “so doesn’t designing all those wedding dresses make you think about getting married again?”, especially because the truly spectacular “f word” line doesn’t make sense with lemony but what can you do]
he probably goes up to lemony while lemony’s at his desk because klaus figures, the easiest way could be to relate to something on the desk
AS purposeful narrative coincidence LUCK WOULD HAVE IT lemony is looking for something in his desk and you know lemony keeps the most inconsequential things and has accidentally dug out his plaque for ‘one semester of cheerleader participation’
klaus, immediately thrown by this news: you were a cheerleader?
lemony: mm? oh, my, I forgot about that.
he smiles at the plaque and dusts it off and my heart is m e l t i n g
lemony: yes, in high school. I wasn’t the only boy on the team, as a matter of fact. a – a friend of mine did it with me.
klaus: why were you on the cheerleading squad?
lemony, trapped in this conversation now: well – your mother was on the soccer team. I was not what you would call athletically inclined at the time, so I joined to support her.
klaus: !!!!!!!
klaus: my – my mother?
this was a fact he did not know about beatrice, as a matter of fact
lemony, realizing that children are going to be curious about their parents and, well, okay, it’s been eleven years, I probably won’t see beatrice again (ahahahahaha.), and my child deserves to know: yes. she was very good at soccer, among other talents, although she didn’t last very long in her soccer career.
klaus: why not?
[if this man was PAYING ATTENTION he would have noticed for sure that klaus is much more straightforward than violet.]
lemony, remembering that time beatrice launched herself across the soccer field and accidentally tackled the assistant coach and dragged him through the mud: she and the coach disagreed on some of the physical aspects of the game.
klaus, dying to hear what lemony’s going to say: what was she like?
lemony, immediately remembering the details of their divorce but also a series of Shenanigans from their school days that he should never repeat to anyone, then resolving to be kind about it: very charming and resourceful.
lemony: she had a great deal of verve.
lemony: I see a lot of it in you.
klaus is touched, I’M touched, god fucking dammit
klaus resolves to leave it there and decides to dig around lemony’s desk later for other things about bea and lemony when lemony isn’t looking
which he promptly does, that night.
klaus sees his typewriter and pictures of kit and jacques and there’s probably one of ramona (in a drawer) (sorry, ramona.) and in a secret compartment in the desk is a pic of bea (maybe one of bertrand too?) (definitely one of bertrand too) and some letters from bea (klaus recognizes her handwriting)
(watch it be something like, some stupid candygram she sent him for valentine’s day that says dear lemony, [the content of this candygram has been censored by the school administration] love bea!!!!!) (bea gets detention for a week for the content of the candygram.) (the second candygram gets through but it’s only because bea writes it so thoroughly in code that the school administration, at a passing glance, cannot see how raunchy it is. but also very heartfelt. it is genuinely heartfelt.) (so of course he has some from bertrand too. because bertrand sent everyone a candygram. they’re all so friendly but so sweet and so cute and bertrand’s just breaking my heart in this whole fic I love him so much) (they’re stuff like, i’m so happy we’re friends! happy valentine’s day! i made sure this candygram doesn’t have anything that will conflict with your peanut allergy! like some fucking NERD and i’m SOBBING) (because you know bertrand was on student council and helped with the candygrams, bea and lemony were definitely not on student council)
(bea: what gets me is that they still sent it!! they censored my loving sonnet about your ass but they still sent it!!!!!!
bertrand: I guess nothing stops true love?
lemony: or, nothing stops beatrice mariner. [you’d have to kill me before I conceded to ‘beatrice kornbluth.’ anyway one of kornbluth’s pen names was mariner so that’s my compromise.])
klaus thinks the candygrams are so fucking embarrassing and also had no idea his mother was capable of such language but then again, no, she is, but he also thinks they’re charming and evidence that lemony still has feelings for beatrice, if he kept them!!
he’s, intrigued, a little concerned, but not very worried about this mysterious picture of a strange man and his own candygrams, although klaus concedes they too are very sweet.
MEANWHILE, back in california
bea is so so so so so excited to pick up klaus (not knowing it’s violet) from the airport, like she manages to sit still for most of the wait but in the last half hour she just sort of bounces around the airport and buys a series of irritating, tasteless teas (“fuck this tea is so bland yes i’m ordering another one, ramona, don’t judge me”) and reads the same newspaper over and over again and when the flight comes in she’s ECSTATIC, MY GIRL IS BOUNCING ALL OVER THE PLACE
she’s the kind of like……...vaguely silly but a little (a lot) overprotective (?) parent
like beatrice is the one SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS WHEN SHE SEES HER KID CAUSE SHE’S SO THRILLED, she’s just very vocal about how much she loves….
[I actually rewrote some of bea in this (or, changed the amount of capitals I had her using) because, like, bea is delightful and charming and very smooth but she’s also got such passion for life, she loves to be delighted and she loves to laugh, and she’s so smooth and sarcastic but like!!!! I love beatrice when she’s having a good time, but I got worried that she was leaning too silly in this which. irritated me.
like, in canon I feel like she is incredibly mischievous but once she gets married and has kids, she’s still very on point and loves her kids very openly but she becomes a lot more straight-laced because she’s so intent to protect them, so much so that I think she loses a little of that mischievousness. but considering the fluctuating capacity of vfd vibes in this au, I think she is a little more…….loose in this. the other thing about bea is that her veneer of perfection is her best acting job of all time, and divorcing lemony and being a single mother and raising klaus puts a big dent in that and makes her even more determined to try and wring as much joy out of life as she can without letting people know how much she has to deal with]
violet, upon getting off the plane and seeing beatrice: oh.
beatrice: look at youuuuuuuuuu LOOK AT YOU!!! you’ve got everything??? all your limbs???? nothing broken????
she says all this while like running straight at violet and patting her down and then giving her the biggest hug of all time. violet is engulfed in this hug and!!! she thought her father gave tight hugs but this is something else
I think lemony puts a lot of warmth in his hugs but beatrice puts this endless amount of joy, along with love, into her hugs, and violet’s life up until this point has been very low-key and surrounded by adults who excel at deadpanning their dialogue so this is!!! very strange but very exciting!!! because violet herself also has this very bright enthusiasm that other people in her family don’t have the same way she does so as much as it’s so different to meet beatrice it’s really cool!!!!!
[for the record, bertrand’s hugs exude safety]
re: pierced ears
beatrice: oh, ramona and olivia are gonna be real upset.
beatrice: they definitely wanted to be involved in your first rebellious teenager act.
beatrice: then again, so did I??
violet: doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a rebellious act?
beatrice, going in for a side-hug: …...i missed that snark so much
does beatrice have a dog???? she’s really not a dog person. neither are ramona and olivia (dogs scare olivia. in fact, most things scare olivia. the toaster scares olivia. she’s so nervous and I love her.) (it’s less of a josephine fear and more of a ‘please leave me alone!!!’ sort of startled fear, is how I see it)
if there is a pet, ramona and olivia have a cat that olivia named annabelle, and she’s a sweet, all-white cat who loves cuddles. she does not even care that violet isn’t klaus. she’s just like, ‘this person has arms!! this person can cuddle.’ annabelle is the best, most chill cat. (although I headcanon that bea is allergic to cats – but that was just cause I was allergic to cats, and now that i’m not allergic to cats????? GUESS IT’S FREE REIN NOW) (anyway the cat is still ramona and olivia’s.)
so bea has to introduce klaus (violet!) to bertrand, and, oh, bea
she really has been putting this conversation off for quite some time, and she decides to just, go for it, as she’s driving violet home
beatrice: klaus, there’s, there’s someone i’d like you to meet
violet: who?
beatrice: an old friend of mine. we’ve been talking recently, and he means a great deal to me, and if you don’t like him, then that’ll be it, but – I really want him to be a part of our lives, klaus. I know it’s a big change, but I’d like you to give him a chance.
violet is REALLY, REALLY THROWN HERE because she and klaus are supposed to get their parents back together!!! this isn’t supposed to happen!!! this is supposed to be a happy ending without this NEW CHALLENGER (UNACCEPTED!!!!), how is she supposed to ask about lemony now???????
violet: oh, um
violet: well, I would like to meet him
she resolves to be HARD AND UNCOMPROMISING when she meets bertrand, but, well, then she meets bertrand fucking baudelaire. bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire. bertrand ‘just desperately wants to make a good impression on his fiance’s son’ baudelaire. god I love him. what a guy.
especially because bertrand really does just want to make a good impression, and he knows klaus is into geography right now so he brings this absolutely impressive atlas as a gift
not as an attempt to bribe klaus into liking him, but to show that he’s supportive of his interests!!!!
bertrand, sweetest man alive, shaking violet’s hand: i’m so excited to finally meet you!!
violet, blindsided by the sweetest man alive: oh, thank – thank you. it’s very nice to meet you too.
bertrand: I heard you were into geography, so I brought this atlas for you! I hope it’s alright.
violet, holding the biggest, heaviest atlas she’s ever seen in her life: oh. that’s very kind of you.
they spend some time looking through it because it has so many cool details
he stays for a while and then bows out gracefully because he cares so much, hello i’m dying, and then beatrice asks violet what she thought
violet: I –
violet: I liked him a lot.
beatrice: are you sure? because I swear, it’s fine, klaus, if you’re uncomfortable, it’s absolutely okay, it’s –
violet: no no! it’s fine!
[read: IT’S NOT FINE]
violet: I have this….atlas, now.
beatrice: you could kill a man with that.
violet: probably! I probably could.
beatrice: ….so it’s okay?
violet: ….it’s okay, mother.
[read: IT’S NOT OKAY BUT WHAT ELSE CAN SHE SAY HERE] [hey you know when you take out how much of an awful person meredith is you are left with a lot less humor in this situation.]
beatrice: I don’t know what I did to deserve a child like you, klaus.
cue good, squishy hug.
[personally I cannot fathom marrying someone else and having twins and raising one of them and not trying to have a relationship with your other child because you didn’t want to work things out with first spouse, but I never said I myself was smart either, in what I chose to write (I NEVER SAID I TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT)
anyway, I do think when bea says that, she thinks about it for a second
that (as far as she knows) this is klaus, she’s known him his whole life, and she had so little time with violet and maybe she would be sweet and clever too and she doesn’t know
she doesn’t know!!!!!!!
and it tears her apart for a split second that she doesn’t have everything and before she can let it eat her alive she shoves it down and forgets about it like she does with everything else and just, moves on] [time is a scary thing – if this much time has passed, what can you do? do they care? is it easier to do nothing or does that hurt more? does it even matter when both parents know their kids don’t know about their sibling or their other parent (or as far as they know at this moment)??? does that possibly make it even a little easier????] [anyway.]
because of bertrand – or, not necessarily bertrand, but more, ‘wedding shenanigans,’ but also, yeah, bertrand – violet also spends comparatively little time with beatrice
she wants to dislike him on principle, but can’t because he’s just???? so nice!!!! he talks seriously to her about her parents and about her (well, klaus) and really wants to get to know her (well, klaus) violet is begrudgingly impressed. violet thinks klaus would be really impressed too. but she’s real worried about what means for lemony and beatrice
especially since they did this not only to get their parents back together but to spend time with the opposite parent, like!!! violet has spent practically zero (0) time with bea to get to know her!!!!
so she holds off for a little bit and just genuinely hopes bertrand will somehow be less nice
this is hard, when bertrand helps bea make dinner ever night (klaus was VERY EXPLICIT that beatrice allows NO ONE in the kitchen when she’s cooking so there’s that) and he talks so damn OPENLY to violet about being a presence in her life
bertrand: klaus, I hope you don’t think i’m intruding in your life.
violet: I understand where you’re coming from when you say that but remarriage is in fact a part of life that occurs with some frequency.
[not only death and taxes, but haircuts and remarriage….]
violet: mother said you were an old friend, though?
bertrand: yes, we went to school together.
violet: if you don’t think it’s too rude of a question
violet: you strike me as the type of person who would have had a high school sweetheart and I am perhaps a little concerned that you didn’t marry my mother earlier.
inside, violet is cringing but it’s a very klaus line.
bertrand: !
bertrand: oh, well, we didn’t date each other in high school.
violet: ! you didn’t?
bertrand: no, there was –
bertrand has been. avoiding these feelings for some time. but he’s so struck by them that he has NO poker face in this situation
bertrand: – it just didn’t work out at the time, that’s all.
but fuck violet is absolutely stunned by that look on his face
she’s never seen someone look so heartbroken before and she is, concerned, but that’s mostly ignored in favor of the sheer stress of the situation
and violet does actually get kind of angry!! about bertrand being such a good person!! she starts to get really frustrated!!! like I picture this happening over, maybe a week
she hates that she can’t tie her hair back and her thoughts are all jumbled and that she has to wear glasses and she misses her dad and she loves beatrice a lot but NOTHING IS WORKING OUT LIKE SHE WANTED IT TO
and she has to wear klaus’s glasses and keeps taking them off when she’s sure no one’s looking to rub her eyes man I want to give this kid a hug
but she also wants to make her mom happy!!! fuck this is a mess
violet: he’s been – a lot kinder than I thought he would be.
beatrice: yeah, he has that effect on people.
beatrice: when we were in high school, we called him “bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire.”
beatrice is viscerally reminded of Being Drunk In College and tries to shrug it off
however, violet, growing up with two detail-oriented snickets, does not miss a single thing
violet: we?
beatrice: oh, you know – nicknames, nicknames stick, klaus, everybody calls everybody things!!
violet: it just sounded as if you were….
violet: /casts around for the correct grammatical term, she’s committed, but comes up with nothing because hell even I don’t know, apologies to my grammar professor from college
violet: ….using ‘we’ to mean just you and someone else and not necessarily lots of people.
beatrice is actually vaguely suspicious to hear Less Technical Grammar but chalks it up to the situation
beatrice: well, I mean, we had friends, of course – ramona and olivia!! that’s!! that’s who i’m talking about!! that’s all!!
violet remembers that ramona gave klaus his half of the wedding picture, and klaus told her what ramona said, that ramona didn’t like lemony’s hair at the time, and violet’s done the math, she knows how old lemony and bea are and that she and klaus were born not long after they left college, and with this sudden but persistent reluctance to talk about An Additional Person from high school from both bea and bertrand, violet is terribly suspicious that there could, in fact, be much more to this than she initially thought
beatrice: don’t forget, we start looking at hotels for wedding reception venues this week, okay?
violet: okay.
so, that night, violet, now alerted to the possibility that there could be a connection between bertrand and her father, and also DESPERATELY HOPING THERE IS ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT WOULD CAUSE HER SO MUCH LESS STRESS, goes digging
she grew up with bernadette for the past six years (and has also seen lemony create giant information webs to map out books), VIOLET KNOWS HOW TO GET INFORMATION AND PUT IT TOGETHER
she starts looking for yearbooks – they all went to the same school, for years, they have to be somewhere, but violet can’t find anything in the library, or ramona’s studio, or olivia’s office, or beatrice’s hiding place (the kitchen), and then looks through their desks for papers or plaques or photographs or anything that could give her a hint (nope)
if there is one thing she’s learned from bernadette, but also her father, it’s that the best place to hide something is usually in plain sight, which leads violet back to the library, pulling out boring-looking books to see if anything is stored behind them or in them (still nope)
this leads to violet CLIMBING THE BOOKCASES to reach the top shelf because adults are taller than her and put things on high shelves
and lo and behold, there it is, the senior year yearbook.
violet has a HEART-STOPPING MOMENT in the downward climb (which she’s doing one-handed anyway) where she almost steps on annabelle who she hadn’t realized was sleeping on a shelf and violet is TERRIFIED but annabelle, chillest cat in the world™, just yawns at her and picks a different shelf
annabelle is no sammy.
so, curled up in a library chair, violet finds not only pictures of beatrice and bertrand and lemony in the yearbook, but also a giant section of papers that fold out from the back cover where apparently lemony had more than the average length of a yearbook comment to say to her
violet, vaguely skimming this hardcore romantic comment, incredibly used to her father’s verbosity: yes that sounds about right.
and she finds a (significantly smaller but still lengthy and painfully heartfelt) signature from bertrand nearby, that definitely reads as a guy in love
but she’s still not sure how they feel about each other now, like a few yearbook signatures are no indication of how a person feels over eleven years later, so she’s still nervous about this and decides to sleep on it
this takes the whole night, violet is exhausted in the morning
now re: chessy unpacking hallie’s (annie’s) suitcase in the movie, it’s not that ramona did the same, but when doing the laundry earlier she did notice this weird amount of ribbons stuck in the lint filter/in pockets/pant legs/sleeves
and she barely even thinks anything of it at first and asks olivia and olivia has no clue and she’s not asking beatrice because beatrice has so much on her mind and ramona’s like ‘….hmmm,’ and goes to talk to klaus (violet)
ramona: hey klaus, I keep finding ribbons everywhere and I just wondered –
violet, in the process of running her hand through her hair cause she’s tired and processing a lot and misses being able to tie it: /JUMPS
violet: oh
violet: bookmarks, i’ve been using them as bookmarks
[actually violet has a million ribbons because lemony never wanted her to be without one, and it was so natural for violet to bring them with her she just legit forgot she wasn’t supposed to have them, like hallie with cuppy]
ramona, vaguely concerned: ….yeah, your mother used to do that
ramona: anything wrong with your hair?
violet: oh, no, not at all!
ramona: everything….going okay?
violet: yes, absolutely!
[the thing about violet acting as klaus though is that she can get like his speech patterns down but her own natural cheeriness still shows through in the places where klaus is in general quieter]
this is gonna get discussed right after this but ramona knows violet ties her hair up to focus because lemony told her in a letter, years ago
so ramona frowns and walks over to her and ties her bangs back with one of the ribbons, and violet just so visibly relaxes
ramona, incredibly emotional: oh
ramona: violet?
violet: ….yes.
ramona: so I can’t necessarily abide by breaking up a marriage but HECK YEAH i’m down for helping you reunite them. beatrice got me in the divorce and it’s very irritating just writing to lemony, which he actually hasn’t done for a while, now that I think about it.
violet: why don’t you just visit him? i’m sure he’d love to see you.
ramona: he makes me send the letters to a post office box. I do not know that man’s address.
violet: ……...that sounds about right.
(bea still does not find out until the hotel shenanigans, though.)
(I love ‘beatrice got me in the divorce’ like that’s fucking hilarious, cause I picture ramona as lemony and bea’s best friend so when they aren’t together it’s like…...well, what happens to ramona???? WHO DOES RAMONA HANG OUT WITH?? WHO GETS CUSTODY OF RAMONA)
(but also like, wtf lemony and ramona write to each other and bea never finds out???? I mean ramona was their best friend so like yes I think they do keep in contact but then does ramona never tell lemony about klaus????? and for them to write to each other and ramona to get these letters and BEA IS IN THE SAME HOUSE??????? I can’t tell if this is just angsty or poor thinking through on my part
but like ramona has to know for the reveal scene here to work out right, otherwise she’d never guess specifically violet
unless I rewrite the scene, but? nope. i’m committed to this ribbon reveal. I like it a lot. fuck it.
THIS WAS WHY I TOOK OUT BERTRAND AND OLIVIA AS CUTE PEN PALS auuuuuggggggg
I don’t know I mean. it is weird and stretching this (already shenanigans-filled) fic a little but. I don’t think it’s the WORST illogical thing I can stick in here. and they are friends, they can write to each other, just, yeah, probably not a lot and they actually probably don’t talk about the kids a lot, cause then lemony would know about both kids and since r wouldn’t tell bea she was writing to lemony bea wouldn’t know anything at all about violet and THAT’S what’s not good (although r telling lemony about klaus is cute i’m gonna have to nix it here. no can do.), so yeah r probs never brings up klaus and lemony rarely brings up violet, he probably only mentions the ribbon thing back when she was really really young because of how much it reminded him of bea and lemony was One Sad Man in his twenties trying to cope with the emotional reality of raising a child that reminded him of his wife and needed to tell someone
that is a lot of weight on ramona though and she doesn’t say anything but lemony apologizes for bringing it up in the next letter anyway and actually after that they probably talk a lot less cause it’s hard on both of them)
(writing is hard! writing is hard.)
ramona: so what’s your plan now?
violet: first, I have to make a phone call.
VIOLET CALLS KLAUS, keeping in mind the concept of time zones a little bit better than hallie and annie
violet: so, it turns out that mother is engaged????
klaus: engaged????? to who?????
violet: this man named bertrand, and, honestly, klaus, he’s such a nice person, he brought me, well he brought you, an atlas –
klaus: oh. that is very nice.
violet: it’s the sort of atlas you could probably use to incapacitate a reasonably-sized adult.
klaus: wow.
violet: and mother said that apparently she knew him when she was younger, and they get along so well, but –
klaus, remembering the picture he found with the extra candygrams: wait
klaus: is he sort of tall, and thin, and blonde
klaus: and sort of, idly optimistic
violet: yes! although I would say more….calmly steadfast
klaus: hmmm
klaus, trying to describe bertrand’s facial expression in this picture: disarmingly kind?
violet: humorously honest?
klaus: I think father has a picture of him in his desk!
violet: !!!!
[myth: confirmed!]
klaus: and some notes from high school from mother and him!
violet: !!! klaus, based on some other things i’ve found, I think all of them might have had feelings for each other.
klaus: !! that makes a considerable amount of sense here. if they all still do, that could make this much easier.
violet: but we won’t know for sure unless –
bernadette: who are you two talking about???
klaus: BERNADETTE
violet: bernadette, are you on the extension again
bernadette: well why wouldn’t I be?
bernadette: it sounds like you guys are talking about bertrand.
violet: how do you know who bertrand is?
bernadette: dad talks about him all the time???
bernadette: well, not when uncle lemony’s around
bernadette: he sent dad that book of poetry that mom immediately burned
bernadette: the elephant guy?
violet: …….oh, now that you mention it! that’s right!
klaus: wait why did your mother burn the book
violet: aunt kit has very little patience for certain poetry.
klaus: she doesn’t like john godfrey saxe??
violet: it’s a big deal, it’s best not to get into it.
violet: look, I think what we need to do is get everyone together and sort this all out.
violet: we’re scouting hotels this week for the reception, you can come here and meet up with us at one of them!
MEANWHILE, kit finds bernadette on the extension, for an honestly longer than usual length of time (bernadette does eavesdrop regularly), and also klaus on the phone in general (and violet rarely uses the phone, like, as a phone. usually she’s taking the phone apart), and really, nothing gets past kit fucking snicket. (you know kit denouement does have a great fucking ring to it, but as I said before, just try and tell me she didn’t insist on keeping her maiden name when she got married.)
so she goes and finds klaus and hears the end of the above conversation and is like ‘oh shit, they totally switched on lemony and bea, what badass kids’
[what if she tries to corner bernadette first
kit: bernadette, I didn’t know you knew anyone to call on the phone.
bernadette, without missing a fucking beat: I called the international operator to ask about time zones, but she caught me up in a conversation about soap operas and whether or not their use of sudden death is considered theatrically cathartic or not.
bernadette: I told her it happens way too often for it to be cathartic.
kit is too impressed to counter her. kit loves her daughter so fucking much.]
so then she sort of shows up in klaus’s doorway when he goes to leave the room after the phone call, arms crossed over her chest
kit: is there something you’d like to talk about?
kit can be outrageously intimidating but kit is also, actually, a pretty good parent
kit, significantly more gently: just between you and me, klaus.
klaus: …..maybe.
kit: come on, let’s go for a walk. you can tell me all about it.
klaus: it’s a long story.
kit: well, good, I like long stories.
klaus: are you going to tell father?
kit: don’t you think you should tell him?
klaus: do you think he’ll be upset?
kit: oh, not at all. more with himself than you, anyway. once, violet was responsible for wiping out the electricity of the whole city, and he gave her two slices of cake for dessert and said he should’ve bought more books on electrical wiring.
lemony is appropriately concerned and horrified and thrilled to see his son, like, oh my god, but the moment is taken over by the urgency of the situation because klaus says he has something to tell all of them that cannot wait
[forgive me for not writing that one out.]
klaus: so it seems like mother is getting married
lemony: oh
lemony: well
lemony: like haircuts, marriage – marriage comes to all of us, at some point –
klaus: to bertrand?
kit, lemony, and dewey: /STUNNED, DEAD SILENCE
kit: oh my.
dewey: what are the odds?
lemony: I think I can die now. I believe i’m ready.
bernadette: why don’t you just go see them and work this all out???
lemony: bernadette, I don’t know if life works like that.
bernadette: uncle lemony, you’re going to ruin all my bright-eyed optimism.
dewey: sometimes I think I didn’t have anything to do with you at all, bernadette. I think you just sprang, fully-formed, from your mother’s head.
kit: don’t be vulgar, dewey. ….thank you, though.
kit: but really I don’t see any other way to sort this out than by going to see beatrice and bertrand.
[this was one of the very first conversations I wrote for this and I am still very attached to it, even though I find dewey so hard to write, I haven’t yet figured out how I think he functions with these guys, especially kit, which I should maybe have done sooner but, what can you do.]
[also I feel like it just makes more sense in this for them to KNOW bea is engaged]
[I’m putting this in here because honestly……….in the movie once elizabeth realizes the switch she does not spend nearly enough time hugging hallie constantly or getting to know her, I get that seeing your ex-husband for the first time in eleven years is A Lot but YOUR DAUGHTER WHO YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IN ELEVEN YEARS AS WELL IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE] [also makes up for not writing klaus revealing himself as klaus, i’m so sorry.]
lemony: klaus?
klaus: ?
lemony: I – please don’t think that I didn’t love you. because I do, and I have thought about you every second of every day, I promise you. and there are many things that I should have done as your father, and many things that I cannot make up to you, but I want you to know that whatever happens with this, I have always loved you. and I am sorry.
so i’ve always pictured that klaus (besides looking reasonably like bea anyway, in any universe) gets angry like she does, and bea gets that sort of like, quiet cool hatred that turns into full-blown shouting really quickly and she will pull no punches and just fucking give it to you!!!!! and klaus has some sort of version of that and like look I put a lot of thought into ‘adult problems fucking over small children as those adults fervently avoid those problems’ when I wrote babybea so like
man, of course klaus can be angry at his parents for like???? never trying to work things out???? this is the first time in almost ten years he’s seen his father and his sister and he has an aunt and an uncle (and another uncle he hasn’t even seen!) and a cousin he never knew about because of lemony and bea being stubborn and stupid and recklessly young!!!!! I think violet is honestly less mad about it (well, she gets a little mad about it later on, but like, being raised by lemony, she has this weird way of trying to rationalize things while feeling really guilty about it, but that’s scenes away from right here – or she just? maybe internalizes it more.) but klaus is like, he’s not totally angry but like, as himself, face to face with lemony, lemony talking to him like a parent and about klaus and not about bea or violet or shenanigans or anything, like, yeah, he’s a little angry that it’s just….taken this long and that lemony and bea are so stupid
klaus is an angry crier. and an angry hugger. so that’s what he does.
like it’s hard to suddenly have a relationship with a family member whose never….been that to you before or made themselves available like that or just generally been there at all, and as much as I want them all having a good time, bea and lemony have some shit to work out with their kids
THEY HAVE A GOOD HUG, IS THE POINT
and I want to say that like they spend some time together after this and…….yeah they probs do it’s just gonna be weird re: the previous paragraph so…….maybe they just sit around and read and occasionally point things out to each other, that sounds chill and legit, doesn’t ask a lot of either of them
SO, that brings us to, later that night, when lemony can Officially Panic
kit: so
kit: you seem a little tense, brother mine.
lemony: I am NOT going to break up a marriage between two loving people who care about each other and happen to have incredibly pleasant facial features and are two people I myself still care about a great deal despite not having seen either of them for a lengthy amount of time
lemony: we’re only going to switch the children back, and I will talk to beatrice, about something, and I don’t have to say anything at all to bertrand, and that’s going to be it. that’s all. nothing beyond that.
kit: that would be a more powerful statement if you weren’t packing every single fancy tie you own.
lemony: really.
lemony: we’re not going to think any more into this.
lemony: that’s all we’re going to do.
lemony: which tie should I wear?
kit: well, definitely don’t pick one of the ones you’re strangling in a death grip.
(hey, where is jacques in this??????????? wish I knew)
(he’s probably regularly out of town, maybe he happens to call home and bernadette is the one to pick up the phone and she’s like “we’re going to see aunt beatrice, I think we’ll be back in a week or something?” and then immediately hangs up because dewey calls her for something, and jacques is left, miles and miles away, standing in a phone booth and wondering if, perhaps, he should maybe visit his siblings more often so they don’t go tearing off to california
jacques: kit what the hell is going on
kit: what, didn’t bernadette tell you?
lemony: ask him what tie I should wear
kit: we’re embarking on the adventure of a lifetime, jacques, it’s your own fault that you decided to go out of town this weekend, I really don’t know what to tell you
lemony: ask him what tie I should wear
kit: /sighs
kit: what tie should your brother wear
jacques: the one with the single blue stripe, it brings out his eyes, what are you two doing
kit: really, jacques, you need to pay more attention
kit: lemony, he says the one with the blue stripe
lemony: oh, good. tell him he’s a lifesaver.
kit: lemony says you’re a lifesaver, although I have yet to see real proof of this, however I will consider changing my mind if you happen to bring me a souvenir. please remember that I could use a new set of nice, engraved fountain pens. also our plane is leaving soon and we need to pack, so bye, loser
jacques: ………………….
jacques: what did I do to deserve this)
(jacques, in any universe, is eternally pained by his siblings)
this being a rehearsal dinner brings it very close to, you know, an actual wedding date, and the thing is, I have planned a completely different wedding-related fic, weddings are EXPENSIVE AND, YOU KNOW, TIME-CONSUMING, PLANNED IN ADVANCE, ALL THAT SHIT
but the whole reason there’s a wedding in the parent trap in general is because, if meredith and nick are just dating, there’s no commitment, marriage means COMMITMENT and A TIME CONSTRAINT and meredith wants his fucking money
so yeah bea and bertrand ARE engaged and planning to get married and plans have happened but the idea of this being so close to the rehearsal dinner makes me sad about all those ‘yeah i’m gonna have to cancel’ phone calls someone is gonna have to make, which is, well, pretty silly, but still, I Hate feeling uncomfortable esp when reading things like that (or even just, thinking of them in advance)
and that is why they are scouting hotels for the reception. (don’t ask me where the denouement is. I do not know.)
so bea + co get to the hotel first, and the only people who know lemony + co will be there are violet and ramona
ramona, hanging back to talk to violet while bea and bertrand and olivia (she has a good eye for decorating.) go ahead: do you know what you’re going to do?
violet: well, I thought maybe we would just
violet: all bump into each other?
violet: and go from there??
ramona thinks that’s an exceptionally courageous take on this and that, yep that girl sure is bea’s daughter
[yeah bea still has NO IDEA ANY OF THIS IS HAPPENING ramona is A+ at keeping secrets
meanwhile, sometime later-
olivia: you didn’t tell me?????
ramona: olivia, I love you dearly but you can’t keep a secret to save your life
[oh, yikes, re: legit asoue canon]
olivia: ……..okay, you have a point.]
it is at this moment that lemony + co arrive, and bertrand, who had backtracked for a moment because he realized he dropped a pen, immediately runs into dewey, who had stopped near the door to examine the hotel brochures and ambiance in more detail (you can take the boy out of the hotel but you can’t take the hotel out of the boy)
[based on penultimate peril, I always thought bertrand and dewey were very good friends and had bonded over absurd poetry, and, of course, based on kit burning the poetry book, are still in contact – there’s much less of a sense of forced distance between bertrand and dewey, because dewey’s just lemony’s brother-in-law and bertrand was friends with dewey first so they’re still good friends but like most adults they have a hard time committing to keeping in contact regularly especially with the distance and haven’t physically seen each other for some time]
so they bump into each other –
bertrand: dewey!!
bertrand: it’s been ages, what are you doing here, how are you!!!
[dewey denouement, much in the way that olivia caliban can’t keep a fucking secret, cannot fucking lie.]
dewey: oh, um
dewey: you know
dewey: hotel conference!!
dewey: kit wanted to travel!!!!
dewey: we’re traveling FOR a hotel conference!!!
dewey: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE CURTAINS, BERTRAND
bertrand: ……..dewey, you’ve never been very good at lying.
dewey: no, no I really haven’t.
dewey: forgive me for everything, bertrand.
bertrand: you might have to be a little more specific.
beatrice: bertrand, have you – dewey??
dewey: oh no
beatrice, remembering dewey and kit are married, suddenly battling sheer terror the likes of which she has never experienced: how….how are you
dewey: I could be better. I could definitely be better.
beatrice: is kit here?
bertrand: I believe they’re here to look at the curtains.
dewey: we’re definitely here to look at curtains.
beatrice: ….they don’t have curtains in england
dewey, grasping at straws: not….like these….?
MEANWHILE back at the ranch, lemony backtracks outside because he dropped a pen, narrowly missing three adults awkwardly talking about curtains
olivia: beatrice, we’ll be late for the wine tasting if we don’t go soon.
beatrice: oh – well, dewey, it was….nice to see you
dewey: please, go enjoy your wine.
bertrand: /waves good-bye!!!!
klaus and bernadette, hiding behind a nearby ficus, because bernadette thinks fast and has her own specific idea about how this should go and it doesn’t involve her relatives meeting again because of her father talking about curtains: wow.
violet: /narrowly avoids getting swept up into the wine tasting, darts for the elevator to try and locate klaus + co
MEANWHILE back at the ranch, upstairs, in their hotel room
lemony: why did I think I could do this
lemony: how do I approach a couple here to scout locations for a wedding reception?
kit: ….you approach them
dewey: don’t talk about curtains, maybe.
lemony: i’m not – dewey, what do curtains have to do with this?
dewey: trust me, just don’t talk about them.
there is a knock at the door. lemony has seen death. this is it, for him.
anyway, it’s violet.
klaus: violet!
violet: klaus!
awkward sibling hug sincere sibling hug!!
violet: klaus, please take your glasses back.
klaus: oh, thank you. my spare pair just doesn’t feel the same as these.
lemony: violet!
now, seeing the two of them together, he can absolutely tell the difference between them. ain’t that just the way.
lemony hugs his daughter like she’s going to disappear right out of his arms and then hugs klaus for good measure and he has to try and ignore the true roller coaster of emotions that puts him through and then tries to look very stern.
lemony: i’m not disappointed in the two of you but I cannot believe you switched on your mother and me. that was very….
lemony is not good at being angry at his children, he has no real concept of it.
lemony: ….clever. it was very clever.
violet and klaus are very proud but find it in themselves to try and look a little chagrined. they don’t do it very well.
violet: father, you really need to talk to mother.
klaus: and bertrand.
lemony: both of you know about bertrand??
klaus: you and mother are very transparent about him.
MEANWHILE back at the ranch, at the wine tasting
ramona: what do you think?
beatrice and bertrand, equally lost in thought about the presence of dewey, the implied presence of kit, and the possibility of the presence of lemony: hm??
bertrand: oh, yes
beatrice: wine
beatrice: /downs entire glass
beatrice: /sets down glass
beatrice: not that one.
bertrand, who has been holding the same glass for the past twenty minutes and has no idea which wine that even was: definitely not.
MEANWHILE back. at. the. ranch.
lemony’s children have such boundless courage (I have hurt myself so many times while writing this fanfic with the occasional too-on-point line and this in particular wounds me these kids are so strong and so important and won’t take no for an answer compared to their parents and get the chance to get their parents to FIX THINGS and oh no i’m gonna cry) and have dragged him downstairs to the lobby, with the INTENTION of having him run into bea and bertrand
lemony: this is not going to work out –
violet: nonsense!
klaus: it’s going to work perfectly.
meanwhile, bea and bertrand leave the wine tasting
bertrand: ….did we come to a conclusion, about the wine?
beatrice: no, I don’t think so.
bertrand stops by the bathroom to wash his hands for something to do as he’s consumed with thoughts (not about wine), beatrice is in a daze as she goes through the lobby, violet notices her but sees she’s not with bertrand and decides she has to stall
violet, rushing over, purposely trying to block beatrice’s view with varying success: mother, how was the wine tasting?
beatrice: oh, it was –
did you remember violet gave klaus his glasses back?
beatrice: klaus, what happened to your –
and, well.
beatrice looks at her so hard and processes kit and dewey being here and then it fucking hits her like (forgive me. forgive me so hard.) a harpoon to the chest
beatrice: ….violet?
violet: yes.
beatrice: but – how –
klaus, appearing next to her: it’s a truly fascinating chain of events we’d like to tell you, but –
hey! beatrice is stunned and horrified! and grabs her daughter into a hug, knowing now that it’s her daughter and has been this whole time and!!!! she feels so awful with herself for not noticing but is also trying to not make a big deal out of it and startle violet by sobbing uncontrollably on her shoulder but beatrice is simultaneously devastated and filled with so much love and she’s for sure going to break apart now
beatrice: and klaus –
she’s hugging them both now, it’s very good.
beatrice, in tears: you two are lucky you’re so cute
violet: mother, there’s someone we’d very much like you to talk to.
beatrice knows somewhere in the back of her mind that it’s lemony but is also not even thinking of lemony because, her children
klaus: /tries to wave lemony over
lemony: /trying and failing to hide behind a ficus, have you seen a ficus, have you seen lemony
violet: /ALSO WAVING
beatrice can’t miss that for the world.
beatrice, while turning around: what are you two –
imagine, if you will, lemony snicket trying to hide behind a potted ficus that hits about mid-chest.
also imagine, if you will, two people who divorced over eleven years ago, still have too many feelings about each other, split up their children for their stupidity, have been trying to avoid the knowledge that both of them are there for the past hour, and are now confronted with the reality of their lives right in front of them
…….besides the ficus.
lemony, stepping out from behind the ficus: hello, bea.
this is a headcanon i’ve long held, since I first started writing asoue fanfic, but, bertrand and lemony say ‘bea’ differently, especially in canon, like particularly in canon, so it’s like less so here but lemony still says her name with so much love, and bertrand says it with love too but lemony has known beatrice for so so long and here they are after years apart and here he is saying her name again, and he never ever ever expected to say it like that again, he never even DREAMED of saying it to her again, but it’s real
beatrice: lemony snicket.
violet: as nice as this is for us –
klaus: – we’re going to allow you three the time you need to discuss assorted events.
at this moment (of course), bertrand reemerges.
bertrand: bea, I –
he sees violet and klaus rushing off, looking delighted, and bea and lemony standing there still trying to process words, and then there’s bertrand, frantically thinking ‘abort mission, ABORT MISSION’
because. the way they turn and look at him, in tandem, like they did all the time in high school, immediately makes bertrand feel like they’re there, back in high school, back at prom, here’s the two absolute loves of his life standing in front of him and bertrand is filled with delight but also fear because, here it is, they all have to deal with it now
(all of them are thinking that, the three of them, standing there, there is not a single trace of jealously but instead there is so much love and regret and it’s, heart-wrenching)
and here is where he loses all his Chill™.
bertrand: you know what, i’m gonna – go –
bertrand: /trips over a chair
lemony: oh –
beatrice: bertrand!
bertrand: totally fine, still alive, i’m – they have such a nice gift shop, you know, i’m – i’ll be there
bertrand: /high-tails it practically out of existence
beatrice and lemony: ….
lemony: he – he still has a very nice running form.
beatrice: yeah, I think so.
lemony: well, bea
lemony: or does everyone call you beatrice now?
beatrice: no, no, bea – bea is fine. bertrand still calls me bea.
[beatrice starts to laugh. “it’s – man, it’s funny, isn’t it?”
lemony smiles at her. “what is?”
“i’m going to marry your high school crush,” beatrice giggles, “who’s still – still in love with you.” she stops. “you know, that’s actually really not as funny as it sounded in my head,” she says, frowning.]
they have dinner!!! and talk. about. stuff. do violet and klaus recreate the night lemony and bea met or the wedding or something????? idk honestly. like at least they didn’t get married UPON MEETING I MEAN LIKE COME ON (although somehow that is very them, but, come on, this backstory is good and solid and I love characters that grow)
maybe they just pool their allowances and give their parents a banging night out (which is pretty much just. dinner.)
beatrice: I see that cut on your forehead healed up nice
lemony: yes, anna karenina left very little lasting damage –
both: – except to anna karenina.
they pause, and then just, fucking burst out laughing, this is a horrible old joke for them that they made up when they were in school because anna karenina was the biggest book either of them owned (neither of them were particularly interested in war and peace) but was somehow sort of light and if you dropped it it really didn’t do much damage, which they thought was funny re: the size of the book and the subject matter
beatrice throws it at lemony during the fight that ends with their divorce and it’s the first time it actually hurts something
lemony: so, how is bertrand
lemony: I don’t think i’ve seen him since – well, since before the twins were born.
beatrice: oh, he’s – he’s doing really, really well. he’s a librarian, and – we keep joking about how many more books klaus and I will be able to read. lemony, he’s got the magazine editions of hammett –
lemony: w h a t
lemony: does he even have the –
beatrice: yep. he has the unfinished story. i’ve seen it.
lemony: I knew I liked that man for a reason
THERE IS SUCH A WEIGHTY PAUSE.
lemony: that is, hammett, obviously. I mean, the continental op is one of the quintessential fictional detectives, and hammett’s novels –
beatrice: you did like him, didn’t you
beatrice: when we were in school, you looked at him the same way you looked at me.
lemony: oh, no
lemony: I looked at you with a rapt adoration and I looked at bertrand like he was a puzzle I couldn’t solve. I have that on good authority from my sister.
beatrice: oh, right, right.
lemony: ….but I did, didn’t I. I did like him very much.
lemony: I don’t think anyone disliked him.
beatrice: that wasn’t quite what I asked, lemony.
lemony: ….what do you want me to say, bea? that I saw him there, with you, and couldn’t even find it in me to be jealous because the sight of you two together made me so unbelievably happy that I forgot how to breathe? that I – that I wondered, for a moment, if, twelve years later, we could – if I –
lemony: ….i don’t believe this conversation is supposed to be about bertrand.
beatrice: …….no, I – I suppose not.
lemony: that day, when you asked me to leave –
beatrice: you mean when I shouted at you to leave.
lemony: I was trying to be kind.
beatrice: lemony, I for sure shouted at you.
lemony: no, bea, I – I thought things would be better if I left. if you didn’t have to put up with me, because you clearly didn’t want to. and I didn’t make it easy for you, back then. there were many things I overlooked about both of us, things I hid from both of us, things I should have talked about with you. and I didn’t.
beatrice: ….oh.
lemony: I thought that loving the person that I wanted you to be was enough for the person that I wanted to be. obviously, it wasn’t, because you asked me to leave and I left. I never even looked back.
beatrice: ….lemony, I don’t think anything would’ve been enough for either of us. I asked a lot of you, too. I didn’t want you to see anything bad about me, and you didn’t, but the longer we were like that, the more I just – the more I really hated you for it. you just saw what you wanted to. and, well, what I wanted you to. I think I kind of hated me, too.
beatrice: sometimes, I think, what would’ve happened if we’d stayed together and I don’t know if I like that either. not that it was – okay, what we did. because it wasn’t. and we might’ve changed or we might’ve fucked up even worse, I don’t know, and i’ll never know.
beatrice: but lemony, seeing her now, I regret every single second I haven’t spent with her because of it.
lemony: I know.
beatrice, who’s a little angry cause she hates when lemony says that to her and her temper gets away from her: do you?
lemony, who’s just regretting all his life choices and knows he fully deserves beatrice’s ire: ….i’ve missed so much of his life.
beatrice, voice breaking: ….yeah.
man, these are some really miserable parents.
beatrice: we should – I don’t know, you know, what we’re gonna do, with – us – but we should – they, they should see each other. we can’t do that to them again.
lemony: I agree.
beatrice: you know, we have some pretty clever kids. I would never – okay, maybe, but I don’t know – have had the balls to switch places with someone on the other side of the world.
lemony: we do, don’t we?
lemony: I know we didn’t do a great deal right, but, maybe we did, with them.
beatrice: ….yeah, maybe we did.
beatrice: not every day two people have kids like ours.
lemony: …….can I be honest with you, bea?
beatrice: …okay.
lemony: i’m glad they switched places. i’m – i’m glad I got to see you. and bertrand. and you.
beatrice: i’m glad you came, lemony.
[all these conversations starring two people steadfastly trying to avoid that they are still in love with each other but also trying to really acknowledging they have Real Problems, brought to you by one (1) woman struggling to get two characters to talk about their problems but also the idea of introducing a third person into their already rocky relationship, don’t mind me just casually dying over here, this was harder than I thought]
beatrice, feeling the weight of this conversation and knowing they done fucked up in the past but also desperately wishing she and lemony could go back to where they were before only better and just trying to figure out where they’re gonna go from here, girl’s doing her best here, and you know what, so am i: so, um
beatrice: fuck, marry, kill
beatrice: continental op, nick charles, sam spade.
lemony, going through incredibly similar emotions: ….
lemony: do you want me to give my virtue to one man and then marry another
beatrice: why do you always take this game so literally
beatrie: I am banging nick charles, but I am marrying the continental op for job stability, and I am killing sam spade where he stands
lemony: bea, no, you can’t just kill sam spade like that
lemony: how about, I take the continental op to dinner, I have a pleasant night with nick charles –
beatrice: I like that we’d both fuck william powell.
lemony: we’ve both seen william powell. no one wouldn’t.
lemony: but sam spade, though, I don’t think it’s so clear cut as all that –
they’ve really!! grown a lot!! they’re really trying to talk this out!!! a little, at least!!! be adults!!!! talk like they didn’t eleven years ago!!!!!! they’re so stupid and they’re trying so hard!!!! my kids………….
this is definitely not the only conversation they’re gonna have about this, like it’s Good that they’ve said this but there’s. a lot more they need to talk about and will probably talk about, just not right now
anyway, LATER –
the continuing saga of two people Not Talking and then Talking About Certain Things and then Inadvertently Talking About The Things They Didn’t Want To And Not Quite Realizing It
lemony: at the hotel
lemony: you, ah, said something about bertrand
beatrice: !!!!
beatrice: ooo, we are talking about him, hmm?
lemony: bea.
beatrice: fine, fine. yes, that he’s still in love with you.
lemony: is he really?
beatrice: I think he is.
beatrice: you still didn’t really answer me before, when I asked if you still felt the same about him.
lemony: ….does it matter, if you’re going to marry him?
beatrice: of course it matters! i’m not – i’m not marrying bertrand to, prove a point or anything, or – say I like him better than you, I – i’m marrying him because I, I love him, but I don’t – that’s not all there is to this.
beatrice: I mean, we didn’t get divorced because of bertrand, that was all on us, but – seeing both of you, sometimes I feel like – maybe – we – maybe we could’ve made it work. not if we had bertrand, but with him. now.
beatrice: and, and that’s a lot, to ask you – I know – it’s a lot to ask both of us, especially after everything, but – do you?
lemony: ….bea.
beatrice: lemony.
lemony: ….i feel that, in the interest of the past eleven years, we should perhaps talk to him before I make a concrete decision about that personal feeling.
beatrice: well, that’s – that’s a wise choice.
they are, quiet, for a while
it’s a lot to think about, you know?? there’s a lot to this
lemony: …….but I think I do.
beatrice: you think you do?
lemony: I think I do.
beatrice: I think I do, too.
there is a little more silence because they’re like ‘!!!!! well that’s SOMETHING REALLY BIG TO THINK ABOUT’ especially because they haven’t like totally committed back to a relationship with each other and there is!! still!!! so!! much!!!! but, they’re thinking about it now, and they’re, sort of floaty-happy because it’s like, wow, wow, this is a possibility, they can
maybe
push it, a little, and see what happens, maybe maybe
lemony: well, you should, you are marrying him.
beatrice: shhh, you are ruining the rhythm.
lemony: I think –
beatrice: you think?
lemony: it’s been known to happen.
beatrice: mmm, I don’t think so
[it’s hard to tell because there’s generally very little concept of outside action/feelings when getting down scenes this way but these few lines are supposed to be v cute and soft and just the tiniest bit flirty]
lemony: trust me, I have had many a thought.
beatrice: well, I think –
lemony: you think, now, do you
beatrice: I do indeed, lemony snicket.
[god. lemony wants to kiss her so fucking bad. beatrice wants to keep teasing him until he does kiss her. they’re very close. he just. smooths her hair behind her ear and takes a step back.]
lemony: I think we should talk to bertrand.
beatrice: yeah. we should. we should probably do that.
MEANWHILE.
I want bertrand to bond with these kids with all my heart so that’s what fucking happens while bea and lemony are dealing with their problems
they play a rousing game of scrabble. it’s usually a game I give the snicket siblings because of their vicious playing styles (which is just based on me and my brother playing scrabble) BUT I love scrabble a lot and I think it’s super cute if bertrand hangs out with violet and klaus and they play board games, it’s distressingly endearing to me, violet trying to sneak in names of inventors on the board and klaus being insistent on following the rules of the game and bertrand trying to come up with a sufficient compromise
bertrand: okay, so, last names are allowed, but only if you can also include the first initial, initialisms by themselves are not allowed, and foreign words and phrases are on a case-by-case basis, providing I can translate it and you’re not trying to put down something inappropriate.
klaus: what about scientific names?? can I put down binomial nomenclature
violet: hey how do you spell binomial
klaus: b-i-n-o-m-i-a-l
violet: oh, how neat.
violet: /puts it down on the scrabble board
klaus: ….
violet: :)
bertrand: it looks like you can put down binomial nomenclature.
bertrand: but yes, I will allow actual nomenclature, klaus.
klaus is deathly quiet for the next few turns until he manages to put down nomenclature. (which I think is achievable, with enough luck.)
klaus: actual. nomenclature.
violet: so that’s how it’s gonna be, huh
bertrand: okay, references to previous conversations are no longer allowed, let’s try this again
eventually they stop playing the damn game and come up with their own wildly specific set of rules for playing scrabble, and bea and lemony come back to a lot of paper and a lot of scrabble tiles and violet and klaus sitting on either side of bertrand on the couch, helping him write this rule list
and bea and lemony want to comment about how they’re not even playing scrabble, but watching bertrand interact with their kids and be so soft and patient with them is the most distressingly heartwarming thing they’ve seen in a long time
they both have the immediate thought of ‘holy fuck I wanna kiss that man,’ which is followed by ‘holy f u c k maybe a relationship between all of us could work’
lemony: bertrand.
bertrand: ?
lemony: could we talk?
there is no camping trip! instead we got NEARBY HOTEL SHENANIGANS and THREE PEOPLE ON A DATE AT A LOCAL FAIR, TRYING TO FEEL THINGS OUT
imagine your average carnival-fair sort of thing with Rides and Games and Absurd Amounts of Cotton Candy and That Super Salty But Still Real Good Popcorn
bertrand and lemony arrive first and bea specifically gets there late so bertrand and lemony can actually talk, because honestly this is the only time I can see in all this that these two would be able to talk to each other uninterrupted
and they all know they’re there for the weirdest date ever but bertrand still feels the need to clear the air
bertrand: lemony, I don’t want you to think that I was waiting your marriage out or anything, I didn’t even know you two weren’t together until last year, and I didn’t even intend to see bea, it just happened on accident –
lemony: bertrand, it’s fine.
lemony: beatrice and I aren’t married anymore, you don’t have to explain anything.
bertrand: ….sometimes I feel like i’ve wanted to explain everything to you, for the past fifteen years.
[bertrand ‘breaking my fucking heart again’ baudelaire…….]
bertrand: that’s – silly, isn’t it.
lemony: no. I don’t think so.
bertrand: I never got the chance to say it. well, actually I don’t think I ever let myself say it, because I had plenty of chances! especially at prom, I could’ve changed everything! but you and bea were so – I wanted you two more than anything else in the whole entire world, but I didn’t want to hurt you two or what we had. I think I did, though.
bertrand: and, and I really shouldn’t blame myself or anyone for these stupid mistakes that happened when we were just kids, because we were just kids!
bertrand: I mean, we’re right here, right now, and i’m – i’m really looking forward to this, lemony.
[lemony, much like me, is momentarily dazzled by how fucking genuine bertrand is]
lemony: so am I.
lemony: ….i kept those candygrams you sent me when we were all in high school because they were remarkably sweet and I treasure them dearly
bertrand: !!
lemony is so nervous and I love him and you know when you get nervous and you just sort of spill weird secrets to people, especially when it’s the person you like???? that’s that
they look at each other for a moment and then start laughing and it’s the kind that starts kind of soft and then they’re just rampantly giggling and being dorks and I love them both so damn much okay
and because they haven’t regularly seen each other in you know fifteen years they spend some time. talking about their lives. there’s a lot of things they don’t know about each other!
lemony and bertrand like make a vague show of trying to win bea some prize and they suck and they stand to the side and talk while bea wins herself a prize and she runs back over to them and just looks so proud of herself, winning this…….thing (it’s very much “i don’t know if it’s a duck or a panda, but I want one.”)
lemony: is it a…….hmmm
bertrand: ….those are cat ears, right
beatrice: what, no, they’re wolf ears
lemony: it has webbed feet, though
bertrand: it’s a platypus! oh, no, not with all those feathers.
lemony: it could easily be a duck, I suppose
beatrice: BUT THE EARS
bertrand: a penguin!
lemony: a grackle
bertrand: a goose!
beatrice: THE E A R S
lemony and bertrand share an obnoxious amount of cotton candy, and honestly it’s the date they all should’ve had in high school, a date that would’ve changed everything, and man, they’re having so much fun and maybe they could do this, lemony has never been so happy and bertrand is just this ball of delight and, it’s really beautiful, and beatrice is for sure thinking that and she’s having such a good time and she’s so happy
but then
she thinks, what if it DIDN’T change everything, what if they all got together in high school and tried to make it work and really fucked each other over, would they have been able to do it?? what really would’ve happened??? and they’re adults now, they’re better people but they have so much more to think about, there is so much more at stake now and beatrice is fucking terrified about what could happen, all of a sudden
and she’s been terrified for years about all the terrible things that could happen to klaus or her or ramona and olivia and even their stupid cat and she’s still trying to hide it so well and she does, she’s happy and creates such a good life for her son but she is so scared and she can’t keep running from it anymore by being impulsive or silly or shouting all the time, she has to face the reality of the situation that she really has to think this one through, what all three of them are going to do about this
she and lemony still have so many problems, and they both know that, they all know that!!! they aren’t going to solve them right away!!! and with bertrand there, maybe it’ll be harder!! maybe it won’t be easier!!! not that bertrand immediately makes things easier, in any universe!!! but especially here!!! you know!!! what if they don’t talk about anything because he’s there??? what if they avoid talking about everything so much in trying to be happy that they irreparably fuck them all over??? it’s been so long since all three of them were together, what if they can’t do this!! what if their kids don’t like them together, what if none of them can get along??? suddenly there are a lot more variables to this, and seeing it happen, bea is struck by everything they’re going to have to fix and all the ways it could go wrong and it’s not good
beatrice: …..what are we doing?
beatrice: and – and what if it doesn’t work out, this time?? what if we all try this and we can’t do it??
bertrand: do you think that little of yourself?
beatrice: no.
beatrice: i’m thinking about, what if I break my kid’s hearts, even worse than I already have? I can’t do that, not to them.
and, they get it. they love each other so much but this story isn’t about just the three of them anymore.
bertrand and bea decide not to get married. and even though they all know they still love each other, lemony and bea have violet and klaus to think of, so they all decide it would be for the best to go their separate ways.
violet and klaus are not happy, by any means. they are not happy to pack up all their stuff and know that nothing is going to work out, and it hurts, a lot, man
klaus, picking up his books: I really respect our parents and their chosen additional life partner but don’t you think they can be a little…..
violet, jamming her toolkit into a suitcase: stupid?
klaus: I was going to say stubborn
klaus: but stupid works too.
so they all say good-bye :( lemony, violet, kit and dewey and bernadette go home. (bernadette’s real upset no one got back together. she hides it well but she just sort of crams herself into her seat on the plane on the trip home and is just super bummed. I love this lil kid.) (I fondly remember when this outline was nowhere near over 20k and was just a short little thing and bernadette’s scenes just monopolized it….)
the thing I love about bea raising klaus is that, and I also feel this for canon too, klaus gets so so much of bea’s anger and short temper
like violet is a lot more calmer in the take no shit category but klaus will, like his mother, flip a table
klaus: mother, that was the most foolish thing you’ve ever done and you know it
beatrice: !
beatrice: don’t you – don’t you use that tone with me, klaus
beatrice: I am your mother
klaus: and you’re just going to let my father and my sister walk away from us???
beatrice: I – it’s more complicated than that!
klaus: how??
beatrice: klaus, would you want me to risk this, everything we have, on the off chance that your father and I could maybe sort out our differences?
klaus: you didn’t seem to have that many differences!
beatrice: there’s a lot of things you don’t know, klaus!
klaus: then tell me! you’re the one who’s always telling me I can do anything, and I just think it seems pretty rich of you to decide that that doesn’t apply to you, or that I don’t get to know everything about the people who are supposed to be my family!
klaus has a point, here, and beatrice realizes that, so she decides IN THAT INSTANT that, okay. fine. it’s time to do something about this and she can do something about this.
SO SHE GOES TO BERTRAND
bertrand: bea, what –
beatrice: I can’t – look, I can’t do this to my kids either, okay, I can’t keep them apart anymore, what – why did I think that was such a good idea in the first place??? so I wouldn’t see lemony?? so I wouldn’t work things out between us, because we were fucking kids when we were together and, and I sacrificed my relationship with my daughter because I was so petty and selfish, and i’m doing it again, bertrand!! i’m letting myself do it again after everything we all talked about because i’m so fucking scared but I – I can’t do this to myself, you know? I want – I want things to work out this time. with all of us. I want to make it work and i’m going to make it work and i’m going to go get my daughter and lemony, and I want you to come with us, if you want to come with us.
klaus, leaning out of the car window and shouting at beatrice and bertrand, who are standing on the steps of bertrand’s place: if I may interject, the plane we intend to catch does leave in half an hour, so you two should maybe hurry up a little
klaus: not to ruin your moment or anything!
bertrand, desperately: I want things to work out, bea, I do. but what if you were right and we can’t –
beatrice: i’m right about a lot of things, bertrand baudelaire, and i’m right about this.
bertrand, nodding and trying not to smile too much: ….okay. okay.
MEANWHILE
violet: ….are you mad at me?
lemony: what – violet, I could never be mad at you.
violet: but I – I went behind your back, and I tricked both of you, and I wasn’t even thinking about what you wanted, it – it was just what I wanted, and that wasn’t okay, I shouldn’t have interfered with you and mother at all, I feel so awful –
lemony: none of what happened was your fault, violet. not at all. it was mine. i’m sorry that I kept so much from you. it was incredibly unfair to you, and to klaus. I should have told you a long time ago.
violet: I never got to ask before, but why did you and mother get divorced?
lemony: ….we were very young, and very impulsive. and, also, incredibly scared. that’s not a good combination when you’re trying to make a life with someone.
violet: you two seemed to get along a little better, now.
lemony: well, eleven years is a lot of time. you get older, and you realize the mistakes you made in your youth could’ve been dealt with a lot more easily than you previously thought. you realize you were….
violet: stubborn?
lemony: stupid.
violet: what made it not work out, this time?
lemony: you also realize there are more important things to think about than yourself and what you want.
violet: !
violet: father, I didn’t want you to –
lemony: it wasn’t your call to make, violet.
violet: but it was yours about whether or not I get to see my brother? you were only thinking about what you wanted, too!
lemony: ….
violet: ….that was rude of me, i’m sorry.
lemony: no – don’t apologize, violet. please.
violet, still very angry but also just sad and concerned about how lemony has, in the intervening time between these two conversations, said very little: I thought bertrand was nice.
lemony: bertrand – bertrand is very nice.
so they get back home.
lemony: what would you like for dinner?
violet: I don’t think i’m all that hungry, father.
lemony: no, neither am I.
and lemony just sort of, wanders into the library with his hands in his pockets, because he’s somehow more miserable than he’s been in quite some time, and he’s expecting to just sit around and stare at his typewriter and not get anything done for the rest of the night or really for the foreseeable future, and the library is filled with so many books and so much stuff but it feels so empty to him now, and lemony himself feels empty and horrible about everything and he just stares at the floor without really seeing anything at all
AND THEN
klaus, sitting in one of the library chairs: father, did you know that the concorde gets you here in half the time?
[I just kept the line. I thought long and hard and could not for the life of me think of any other jazzy lil line.] [although yes sadly the concorde no longer exists]
[hey, if lemony and violet are here, and kit and dewey and bernadette were with them on the plane, who’s driving the bus who let bea and bertrand in the house???? cause in the movie it’s gotta be the grandfather
jacques, who had stopped at lemony’s house hoping that he could catch them before the flight but obviously not catching them, who stayed to water the plants: /exiting the house
beatrice, careening out of a taxi: JACQUES HOLD THE DOOR
jacques: !!!! beatrice?? what are you –
bertrand: we’ll have to tell you later, there’s no time!
jacques: bertrand????
klaus really only has time to wave.
all three of them: /BOLT PAST JACQUES INTO THE HOUSE AND SLAM THE DOOR SHUT, leaving jacques out there in the street
jacques: ……….]
anyway
lemony, STUNNED: klaus?
violet, dashing into the room because she heard her brother: klaus!
klaus: ideally we would’ve figured this out before you left, but when you did, we were not completely happy about it.
lemony, still trying to collect himself: you –
and there’s bea and bertrand, standing there, real as anything! really there!! in his library!!
and lemony walks towards them, because this isn’t a matter of, chasing anyone, it’s all of them coming together like this
beatrice: this is gonna work. the three of us, this is gonna work.
beatrice: what do you think?
and the thing. about lemony. is that what he wants more than anything else in this whole fucking world. is a family. particularly in canon, being separated from (reasonably dead) parents and growing apart from his siblings and losing those connections to people, he so desperately wants something that’s his and his own and that he can keep stable by himself
and I think he still feels that way even in whatever fucking world of an au this is, and of course he wants to be with bea and bertrand and to have klaus and violet because he loves them but he is also massively craving that stability of having his own family and like really having it this time, not fucking it up because he’s young and stupid and just as impulsive as bea
THE POINT IS THIS IS A LOT FOR HIM, OKAY, THIS MEANS SO MUCH, to get this!! second chance at all the things he totally fucked up before, PLUS the loves of his life!!!!
and like!!! there’s bertrand. there’s bertrand!!! standing there and reaching out to take lemony’s hand and lemony takes bea’s and bea takes bertrand’s other one and. the road they had to take to get here wasn’t. the best. all the time. they all made mistakes. some. worse than others. and this isn’t the end, right here, there’s still gonna be things they have to work out. and it’s gonna be okay because there’s beatrice and bertrand and lemony. they’re in the same room and no one’s scared.
lemony: yes.
beatrice: yes???
bertrand: yes?
lemony: yes.
there’s a lot of good hugging, people are kissed, comments are made about chapstick flavors, lots of laughter, violet and klaus are tearing up and thrilled beyond belief, everything is beautiful!!!!!
klaus: I can’t believe –
violet: – we actually did it!
and, of course, beatrice was right. about everything.
the following amount of time is filled with –
-lots of arguments.
-mostly between bea and lemony.
-although bertrand has his fair share of arguments with both of them.
-violet and klaus don’t speak to each other for two weeks under the pretense of disagreeing about a book’s theme but really because they’re not sure how to act around each other now that they’re both there, they’ve lived their whole lives as only children and this is what they wanted but it’s also something they didn’t think about having to adjust to
-there’s also this immediate reluctance to listen to anything bea and lemony tell them because they have to get used to parents now, too
-parents who aren’t currently super functioning as parents
-there’s a lot of second-guessing people’s intentions
-why did you say that?? the hell does that eyebrow mean???? you picked that song for a REASON and fuck you for that!!!! you don’t trust me to drive, do you???? I KNOW HOW TO MAKE A SANDWICH FOR MY CHILD THANK YOU VERY MUCH
-that sort of thing.
-in varying shades of seriousness.
-i know it sounds mostly like just bea screaming there but trust me the sentiment is shared by all of them in various ways and actions
-they don’t do it in front of violet and klaus though
-NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO LIVE NOW, do they stay in england or all go to california??? do they go somewhere else???????? what even (I don’t even know)
-(they probably do stay in england though. that’s what I was picturing while writing this.)
-violet and klaus do adjust to no longer being only children and realizing they have someone their age to rely on now who understands them
-they make blanket forts where violet designs these stands that will hold books up and periodically turn the page so they can lay on their backs and read and not worry about moving
-klaus reads up on inventors so he and violet can talk about them
-they argue with bea and lemony a little about weird things because violet and klaus are trying to figure out where they are with their parents now and how they’re supposed to act and bea and lemony are trying to figure out how to coordinate parenting while wanting to kill each other
-they institute family game night and try to best each other in cards or scrabble because they can handle that
-bertrand, of course, is in a very awkward position at this time
-like he’s around but he can’t take sides because that’s Weird and he’s not that kind of person anyway, and he wants to be there but he doesn’t quite know as what
-like, he was gonna marry bea!! and now he’s not. and he loves lemony!!! but he can’t do anything about it because bea and lemony have problems to work out!!! and bertrand loves both of them!! and they love him!!! they know they do!! he knows they do!!!!! but everything is very uncomfortable!!!
-like, bertrand needs to be on equal footing in this relationship too!
-he hangs out with dewey a lot and they become Poetry Buds again
-he participates in family game night
-bea and lemony are worried that bertrand is only going to see himself as like a peacemaker between them when he isn’t because he never has been and realizing that bertrand is a huge official permanent part of their lives now is a big thing for them
-hi, my name’s lulu and writing the navigation of relationships is hard!!!! it’s so fucking hard
-the three of them watch movies wednesday nights – bertrand picks the movies and he picks these really sweet romantic ones (cause that’s just the kind of movies he likes!!!) and it’s unbearably great
-they mean to watch the thin man movies (the ones with nick charles aka william powell aka the guy lemony and bea would both fuck if they had had the opportunity) over a series of weeks but wind up marathoning all six of them one night (and it takes all night)
-none of them can function the next day
-bertrand: I get it. i’d do it with nick charles, too.
-beatrice sings herself hoarse during a play rehearsal and can’t talk for a week
-she can’t sleep one night and lemony finds her in the kitchen and makes them both tea and they salute each other with the mugs
-bertrand takes up writing limericks and leaves them around the house and lemony finds one in the shower and slips from laughing so hard
-bertrand, in the hospital: I could’ve killed you with poetry
lemony: I mean, all things considered, it’s not the worst way to go. it’s better than next to a pile of books I was meaning to read, which I always thought to be much more likely. slipping in the shower because of a charming limerick about shoes? it’s not all that bad.
bertrand: I don’t know whether to take the compliment or be worried about how you’ve considered how you’re likely to die. please don’t die.
-beatrice shows up at the hospital and throws the stuffed animal from carnival night at lemony
lemony: oh, you didn’t have to give me your….ah….
bertrand: ….moose? have we guessed moose?
beatrice: the ears……….
-things get, better
-they take turns picking up the kids from school
-some kid: gee violet how come your mom lets you have two dads
violet: just lucky, I guess
-lemony helps beatrice rehearse her lines and they straight-up make out for an hour instead
-lemony and bertrand make dessert once a week and routinely end up covered in flour
-there is a household debate on ‘what species is the stuffed animal’ and ‘what are we going to name it,’ moderated by kit
-violet puts on a one-woman play that she and klaus wrote about hedy lamarr for her school’s talent show and receives a standing ovation
-lemony and bea and bertrand are in the front row and beatrice is full-on sobbing during the standing ovation
-they get bertrand a new record player for his birthday and all three of them dance to his records the whole night
-yes they ARE all falling in love with each other all over again it is very important to me that they’re all on the same page when they do that
-violet and klaus make bertrand a ‘best additional parent’ mug because they don’t quite know what to call him (they haven’t figured it out yet), like violet makes him a fucking mug in her glassblowing class (you ever seen someone glassblow a mug??? it’s great.) and klaus does this beautiful calligraphy label for it
-bertrand cries immediately, for the next hour of his life, and just carries it around because he doesn’t know where to put it
-beatrice: aww, that was so sweet of you two, to make – does that say ‘additional parent’
lemony: I believe it says ‘additional parent.’
violet: we did also consider ‘greatest poet’ but that had less of the feeling we wanted.
klaus: we do realize that ‘best’ is truly an unquantifiable concept, because there’s no one out there ranking parents, but we thought it was the most fitting.
it’s after that that they all decide to get married.
later on, sunny is born!! and she’s very upset she missed out on all these shenanigans.
[jacques comes back to find so many people in his brother’s house.
kit: well jacques, you really should be home more
lemony: yes, find a nice person
lemony: …...or two
kit: settle down, stop looking so surprised.
lemony: kit your daughter just leapt off the bookshelf and tackled my husband
kit: and am I surprised? no.]
[also jacques does not buy his sister a nice new set of engraved fountain pens.
kit: so did you get me a souvenir or not, jacques
jacques: souvenir? I thought you said
kit: JACQUES WE ARE ADULTS DON’T YOU DARE BEETHOVEN ME
jacques: edward lear
jacques: here’s this book of delightful nonsense poetry.
kit: how could you]
[while bea is pregnant with sunny –
bertrand: what about sunny?
lemony: bertrand baudelaire.
lemony: you come into my house.
lemony: you marry my wife.
beatrice, across the room: I married both of you???
lemony: and you have the audacity.
lemony: to suggest we name our daughter after our high school drama teacher.
bertrand: okay but your reaction isn’t necessarily a no]
#i actually did NOT fix the double spacing on this -- i thought it actually looked very nice double spaced on the blog page????#especially with how long it is#asoue#a series of unfortunate events
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@starlene tagged me to share five of my favourite male characters. Thank you for the tag ♥ Like her, I’m going to tell you in detail why these are my favourite boys. Bear with me! These are not in any strict order, except for the first one, he will always be the number one in my heart.
1. Javert, Les Misérables
When I first read Les Misérables I was so fascinated by Javert’s character. Javert is the complete opposite of "a bad cop antagonist”, he follows the law to a fault and in a book like Les Mis, in which the society is the real villain, that is his personal failing.
His integrity is also kind of touching to me. The way he will believe a nun that’s known not to lie, even when he should be doubting her words, and the way Javert himself never tells a lie, even when he’s supposed to act as a spy. He really has “nothing ignoble about him”, as Hugo says. Also how when he sees the error in his ways, his last act is to criticize the system he has upheld.
Javert is such a sad character. His parents were possibly as downtrodden as Valjean, so he grew up to be someone who believes he’s doing the right thing, even when he’s trampling the ones society has already abandoned. That is a true tragedy and it never stops being interesting to me.
2. Lehto, Tuntematon sotilas
Oh boy. Possibly my worst son. He is a character from this one Finnish war novel, who doesn’t like anything or anyone and has a giant chip on his shoulder from god-knows-where. He is considered grim and nasty by his peers, he hates the authority and gets anxious when anyone talks about spirituality or patriotism. In other words, I love him.
Don’t get me wrong, once again we have a bad person here. He torments this one guy simply for being scared (and like, they are in war so what the fuck my dude), once he kills someone just because, and he in general never does anything nice for anyone. But then again, he’s only twenty-one in the book and he does not live long enough to learn and I would like to see him growing. I’m also interested in his past of which we only know that he has been “alone” since he was a child. And there is something very appealing about his defiant personality. As my psychologist mother said after seeing 2 minutes of Lehto in one movie adaptation, “boys like that are not good at expressing themselves that well, he needs understanding and support”. So yeah... I have a soft spot for this guy.
3. Hercule Poirot, Agatha Christie’s Poirot
I really don’t know what this sweet little man is doing on this list. I’ve liked Poirot since I was a child but I feel like I for a long time didn’t quite understand how well written his character is. I’m mostly talking about the books and David Suchet’s iconic portrayal, but I also really really liked the new ABC Murders with John Malkovich. Poirot’s backstory really did it for me, it made so much sense and put a whole new spin in this character.
In general I just love Poirot’s manner of speaking and his little quirks - how persnickety he is, his pickiness with food, how polite he is and his dramatics, especially when he gathers all the suspects together and lets them hear it. I love how in Christie’s novels he uses people’s prejudices against foreigners to his advantage, kind of like Marple uses the fact people usually are not too cautious around little old ladies. My favourite thing about Poirot, especially in Suchet’s portrayal, is his empathy and how that makes him a better detective. He can feel for victims and culprits alike, and he is great at figuring motives because he talks to people and sees what makes them tick. I love this man and his little gray cells.
4. Thomas Barrow, Downton Abbey
Bad boys are back, alright! Or you know... Misunderstood boys. Silly boys. Boys who get hurt every time they let someone in and that feeds their rage so they say “I’ll do it on my own”... Julian Fellowes really thought he could make an evil gay servant and people would just be like “okay so that one’s a jerk, can we see more of Lady Mary’s love life now?”. But he went and cast RJC and accidentally wrote the most interesting character in the whole Classist Propaganda: The TV Show.
Thomas Barrow is a complicated character and that makes him so appealing to me. He seems to be tough and cold, but he’s also very sensitive and many of the bad things he does are motivated by jealousy or hurt. He is clever and driven, but he can and most certainly will make bad decisions. Characters in the show think he’s heartless, but he likes being around children and when he falls in love with someone, he falls hard and fast. He’s also hopelessly devoted to those near him. I guess one of the big reasons I like Thomas so much is that he’s so severely mistreated by the show. He gets repeatedly punished for even small things he does, whereas other characters can do worse things and other characters and the mainstream audience still like them. I guess that makes me kind of protective of him, and willing to read a thousand fics about how he gets everything he has ever wanted in life.
5. Gregory House, House M.D.
I’m on my House binge once again and let me tell you - Season One Dr House is actually a good guy? Like sure he’s sarcastic and irresponsible and wants to do things his own way and throws a hissy fit when he doesn’t get his way, but in so many ways he is actually nice. That, of course, changes when the show marches on, but who said all character development has to be positive?
I like hospital dramas and I like detective shows, therefore I love House M.D. And this is a rare case in which the main character in a series is the most interesting one. I also love Wilson, but I relate to him a bit too much in certain ways (the internet says it’s because we’re both INFJ) for him to be that enjoyable for me. But House is interesting and once again, complicated. Making this list is making me once again face the fact I like characters who have a strict set of rules for themselves. House is a textbook example of Chaotic Neutral, but like it’s said in the series, his work is motivated by doing what he thinks is right. And it’s really important to him to be right himself. What I also like about him is that even though he is a typical “genius jerk”, he actually consistently gets called out on his behaviour. We get to see how his behaviour is the reason he has only a handful of meaningful relationships and why being like him is nothing to be proud of. A cool drinking game, take a shot every time he’s described as “miserable”. Have fun.
*
Huh, that was a lot. Let’s tag some people! @obiskus , @juniper-pompadour , @trevardes and @violasmirabiles , share your favourite boys, if you feel like it! Feel free to either just say the names or ramble like I did :’)
#now i want to make a girl list as well#me writing this: ''you know i love you boyyyy in every single way ~''#why is ''an angry aries'' my type in characters#//#///#/////#tag memes#veetee selittää#javert#lehto#poirot#thomas barrow#house md#message me for top 10 milves
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QUESTION OF THE DAY #6: Send me your most unpopular theatre opinion. Something that might make someone want to fight you. Please don’t be offensive (racist, misogynistic, etc.), but other than that…go as hard as you want. Spill all the tea.
MY ANSWERS: 1) The Pretty Woman score fucking slaps idek, 2) Come From Away (or even Bandstand...) should’ve won the 2017 Best Musical Tony, 3) I prefer the West End Heathers cast album to Off Broadway, 4) Shows shouldn’t sweep the Tonys just because they’re Best Musical worthy...shows that aren’t too critically acclaimed but have really impressive elements should get recognition too.
SUMMARY: Out of 37 responses: 5 were about Dear Evan Hansen, 3 were about Hamilton specifically, 2 were about: Rent, ALW, Wicked, In The Heights, Be More Chill, etc. etc....if your favorite musical is one of these and you get easily offended i wouldn’t read these.
NOTE: I agree with some of these, I highly disagree with others. I do not endorse any of the things that were said, I am simply sharing them with you all. These were what was sent to me. I’m going to number them so if you want to complain about or agree with one you can send me an ask with the number you’re referring to.
1. howmuchchildrens said: unpopular opinion: i really liked the 2012 version of les mis. i liked russel crowe as javert.
2. Anonymous said: Unpopular opinion: Bootlegs harm to local theatre communities, though I do not believe anyone intends for that to be the case. While it's possible to bootleg responsibly (and I might even say it's beneficial to do so), those who may not know the intricacies of theatrical copyright law or who haven't heard the horror stories from a theatre that's been hit with legal action DUE to a bootleg may record or watch a show irresponsibly, which can greatly harm other routes of theatre accessibility.
3. Anonymous said: Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals are mostly terrible. He only got and stayed popular because a lot of other musical creators and taste makers died in the AIDS epidemic
4. Anonymous said: Almost all musicals using the songs of one artist are cash grabs with no plot or point.
5. Anonymous said: If your musical only has 1 woman OR the women only get sad/romantic songs you need to do something else with your life.
6. nerdshrimp said: Unpopular opinion: Next To Normal does a better job of portraying the effects of mental illness than Dear Evan Hansen does. N2N also doesn't romanticise mental illness & excuse shitty behavior like DEH tries to
7. Anonymous said: Hadestown is a lesser show on Broadway. I fell in love with the live album, and I was so excited for it to come to Broadway. I was so disappointed to see the changes they made. Orpheus and Eurydice's relationship is less interesting and more generic. The changed lyrics are often sloppy and not as good as the original. They fucking wrecked Epic III. Also, no hate to R/ee/ve, but he's just not a good enough singer to convince me that he could soften the heart of Hades. His high notes are awful.
8. Anonymous said: opinion: we are the tigers deserves a broadway run or at least a proshot
9. bimystique said: e/c is NOT A GOOD FUCKING SHIP. the ENTIRE PLOT OF PHANTOM OF THE OPERA is christine trying to escape erik's abuse. WHAT FUCKING PART OF THAT IS ROMANTIC TO YOU PEOPLE.
10. Anonymous said: unpopular theatre opinion(s): Dear Evan Hansen is Very Bad for its handling of mental illness, Hamilton is overrated and praised too much, and high school/college musical theatre programs can be just as good as Broadway. (also, musical movies would be better if they hired broadway actors, but that's not an unpopular opinion)
11. Anonymous said: I don’t like Lin Manuel Miranda and Hamilton is overrated
12. Anonymous said: I don’t like dear Evan Hansen..... at all. I think it’s kind of boring and really overhyped.
13. Anonymous said: unpopular opinion: in the heights is far better than Hamilton. both are good but ith hits different yknow
14. Anonymous said: The bring it on and legally blonde musicals are BAD! The movies are 100 times better
15. Anonymous said: unpopular opinion? wicked is the epitome of white feminism. it's preached as super great for representation but we literally got the first black glinda in 2019?!?!?!? and before that woc could only play elphaba who's villainized and deemed evil by the whole city
16. Anonymous said: Not so much an opinion as a reaction, but of all Lin's works (ITH, Bring it On, 21 Chump Street, Hamilton), 21 Chump Street gets the biggest emotional reaction of all the cast recordings. The second Justin is like "I don't want your money" (And then later on with the "...what the heck did you.... dooooo", I am a complete goner. Worse than Abuela Claudia and Philip Hamilton's deaths combined
17. Anonymous said: Whenever Je.ssie Mu.eller hits certain notes, she sounds like Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.
18. Anonymous said: aotd6: not everyone knows what im talking about, but the cats 2016 broadway revival choreography was WAYYYY better than the original. the original had a lot of creepy uncomfortable moments and the new one looks way cleaner and up to date
19. Anonymous said: raoul is better than the phantom in every conceivable way
20. Anonymous said: I hate Anastasia so much. it's such a boring show and the music is uninteresting. I wanted to like it so bad but GOD is it boring.
21. Anonymous said: In the Heights.... Overrated.
22. Anonymous said: I do not know if this is an unpopular opinion or not, but here is my opinion: Musicals that are entirely or nearly entirely songs (Hamilton, Hadestown, In The Heights, etc) are the most valid bc I can understand the plot without using wikipedia (I'm looking at you, Jagged Little Pill, I love you but what is your plot????)
23. Anonymous said: I'd rather have a bad film adaptation than no film adaptation
24. Anonymous said: Rent sucks and while it was a stepping stone for more ""controversial"" topics to appear on Broadway it's actually biphobic and features several generally terrible people doing generally terrible things and doesn't actually address the real crisis at all; it's all performative wokeness. The only real good it did was cast a bunch of "nobodies" for the time and make theater somewhat more accessible.
25. stardust-and-seas said: Dear Evan Hansen doesn't properly address mental health despite being about mental health and resolves nobodies character arcs satisfactorily. It's another show that reaches its hands around the throats of marginalized teenagers saying "look I'm relatable!!" The songs taken out of context are significantly more powerful than when placed in the context of the show, which gives us exactly zero evidence of Evan's work to improve and also never resolves Evan's u healthy goals in the first place.
26. stardust-and-seas said: Be More Chill is a raging dumpster fire and the only decent song from it, Michael in the Bathroom, reads as a whiny rich white boy whose potential social anxiety and depression is left ambiguous, which is exactly what it is. When taken out of context it better exemplifies the othering that happens to marginalized groups but lets be real here: bullying/cliques don't happen to "just anyone"; it's the marginalized groups that are othered and abandoned for not being "normal"
27. stardust-and-seas said: There's a difference between shows that don't take themselves seriously because they're meant to be fun and light and shows that pretend not to take themselves too seriously but want to be taken seriously by the audience and the latter always ends up mediocre at best
28. redueka said: i think that dear evan hansen handles every issue it presents badly. i also think that beetlejuice was badly directed
29. Anonymous said: Well I don’t EVER condone cheating, I’m team Jamie in the last five years. He tried so hard to make their relationship and life good, and Cathy gave him nothing in return
30. youcanlolyoucansayohwell said: The answer of the day- I don't get the BMC hype. I'm out of the age bracket it's meant for that might it be. I enjoy it but I don't think it's the greatest thing in the world like some theatre fans do.
31. Anonymous said: i like the rent 2005 recording better than the obcr
32. Anonymous said: unpopular opinion ? : the music of wicked just like isn’t that good. like it’s good but it’s not like, Good, yknow. it’s pretty standard it doesn’t stand out to me. kinda boring
33. Anonymous said: mari.ah r.ose fa.ith is not a good regina george. everything she says sounds monotonous and while i understand she's trying to play off the ""whatever"" teenager (she does this a lot with her teenage characters), 90% of the time she sounds and looks like she doesn't want to be there; her voice is great but most songs feel unnatural and forced and she changes them too much. she's just not selling regina to me as a believable character (this is all from a technical point of view)
34. Anonymous said: Unpopular Opinion: as much as i like musicals based on movies (like waitress), i think not every movie needs to be a musical.
35. Anonymous said: Unpopular opinion (?) the emojiland musical Kinda Slaps
36. Anonymous said: as one of my high school tech theatre teachers once said: "Andrew Lloyd Webber is overrated"
37. Anonymous said: sorry to whoever likes it but Seussical is an absolutely nonsense crackpot plot disguised with okay-to-good music, like I don't even know where to start. I was in the show and didn't even know there was an entire secondary plot line featuring sending children to war until we were halfway through rehearsals
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The last couple of days I have been reflecting on a beloved piece of media that has been lost to me, now that I know how bigoted the author is.
I'm referring not to Harry Potter, but to Ender's Game.
I mentioned to someone in the comments of a post I made that Harry Potter never had the special place in my heart that it has for so many of my friends. I was in high school, I think, before I knew it existed; at the time, I was neck-deep in Wheel of Time, had long since read not only Lord of the Rings but also the Silmarillion (in fact, I think I was gifted my beautiful illustrated LotR the same year I got the first few Harry Potter books, for Christmas)... in my life, Harry Potter was nothing special. What Ajah I was mattered more than what House I was.
I didn't have the experience of growing up alongside Harry, as so many did, but there *was* a character I met at the perfect age, who mattered more to me than I could describe. Ender Wiggin. I was in sixth grade when we read Ender's Game in English class. I was eleven years old-- the same age Ender is at the climax of the book.
That was an unusual experience for me; starting at about age eight I didn't read many books that were written for kids. (I say 'age eight' because that was when the movie of Jurassic Park came out, and while I had been reading 'adult' books for some time, that kicked off my Crichton phase, and I don't recall reading any kids books after that for a very long time.) I felt more connected to older protagonists, usually; adults writing kids tended to make them too childish for me to find them relatable. I'm sure there's a lot to unpack there, but it's true-- I didn't *want* silly, lighthearted stories. I was obsessed with Les Mis starting at about age five or six, if that tells you anything.
Ender was different. It's hard to describe why. It could be that he was written to be as serious as an adult protagonist, something I remember Orson Scott Card commenting on-- that adults would tell him "kids aren't like that" and kids would tell him "thank you for writing a kid I can relate to." Ender was a brilliant child with loving parents who did not understand (sometimes I wonder why such characters are relatable to so many-- does every child feel 'different'?), he was lonely because he was so far removed from those around him-- early on because he was gifted, later it was deliberate. He made friends with outcasts, the weird and the ostracized.
But the thing I loved most about him, the thing that made the book (and its sequel-- I didn't love the whole series, but Speaker for the Dead was great) so powerful to me, was his deep compassion. Ender was a weapon, to the adults to who shaped his life; they manipulated him and lied to him and deliberately made him miserable because they wanted him to win their war. But the thing that made him an effective weapon was not his mind, it was his heart. Ender would come to understand his enemy, know them through and through, and it was what enabled him to defeat them... but it also meant that he loved them. It made him miserable, to know and love only to destroy.
Ender's compassion, his empathy, his ability to put himself in another's place and *know* them, understand them, and love them even when they are an enemy... that has stuck with me, and has, I think, shaped who I am as a person. Compassion and empathy are not unique to Ender, of course-- but that book came to me at the right time for him to be a huge influence on me and my perspectives on the world.
But Orson Scott Card is a bigot. Not even a "oh, JK Rowling is repeating TERF rhetoric, maybe she just doesn't understand how dangerous it is" bigot-- Orson Scott Card is openly, knowingly, and dangerously bigoted. He's homophobic in the extreme-- supported anti-sodomy laws, once advocated for people to rise up against the government if gay marriage was legalized, believes it's childhood abuse that 'turns' people gay. And then there's this, from a 2013 rant:
“Having been anointed from the start of his career because he was that magical combination—a black man who talks like a white man (that's what they mean by calling him "articulate" and a "great speaker")—he has never had to work for a living, and he has never had to struggle to accomplish goals. He despises ordinary people, is hostile to any religion that doesn't have Obama as its deity, and his contempt for the military is complete.”
... yeah.
I discovered all of this when I was in college-- well, the Obama stuff came later, but he's been trash for a long time-- and... I didn't know how to deal with it. The question of whether it's possible to love a work and hate its author became very real real to me, then, and it's one I still don't have an answer to. Are the lessons as real, knowing the author is blind to them? Is the meaning I found in the work negated by the author's hatred?
For myself... I can't read it anymore. I am afraid that I would find his bigotry behind every word, now... and equally afraid that I would still find it as moving and powerful. I don't know what to do with that.
That is, however, my own choice, based on my own feelings-- if you feel differently, and are able to divorce the work from the author and still find meaning in it, that's wonderful. I hope all of my friends who are currently struggling with Rowling and Harry Potter figure out where they stand, and find peace with it. Give yourself time; this is hard.
#cross-posting from facebook#because lately i've been basically blogging over there lol#writing essays is how i process things
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[[Repelis]] Ver Mi Primer Beso 2 completa en español latino 2020
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Fecha de estreno desconocida / 2h 10min / Romántico, Comedia
Dirigida por Vince Marcello
Reparto Joey King, Jacob Elordi, Joel Courtney
Nacionalidades Gran Bretaña, EE.UU.
SINOPSIS:
Continúan las aventuras amorosas de Elle (Joey King), Noah (Jacob Elordi) y Lee (Joel Courtney).
Secuela de Mi primer beso (2018) que vuelve a dirigir Vince Marcello, quien se encarga de nuevo del guión del filme junto a Jay S Arnold. Protagonizan la película los actores del reparto original: Joey King (Slender Man), Jacob Elordi (Euphoria), Joel Courtney (Dear Eleanor), y Morné Visser (Mandela: Del mito al hombre), además de incorporaciones a la saga como la de Maisie Richardson-Sellers (Star Wars: Episodio VII - El despertar de la Fuerza).
❍❍❍ TV MOVIE ❍❍❍
The first television shows were experimental, sporadic broadcasts viewable only within a very short range from the broadcast tower starting in the 1930s. Televised events such as the 1936 Summer Olympics in Germany, the 19340 coronation of King George VI in the UK, and David Sarnoff’s famo(Alice et le maire (2020) introduction at the 1939 New York World’s Fair in the (Alice et le maire (2020) spurred a growth in the medium, but World War II put a halt to development until after the war. The 19440 World MOVIE inspired many Americans to buy their first television set and then in 1948, the popular radio show Texaco Star Theater made the move and became the first weekly televised variety show, earning host Milton Berle the name “Mr Television” and demonstrating that the medium was a stable, modern form of entertainment which could attract advertisers. The first national live television broadcast in the (Alice et le maire (2020) took place on September 4, 1951 when President Harry Truman’s speech at the Japanese Peace Treaty Conference in San Francisco was transmitted over AT&T’s transcontinental cable and microwave radio relay system to broadcast stations in local markets.
The first national color broadcast (the 1954 Tournament of Roses Parade) in the (Alice et le maire (2020) occurred on January 1, 1954. During the following ten years most network broadcasts, and nearly all local programming, continued to be in black-and-white. A color transition was announced for the fall of 1965, during which over half of all network prime-time programming would be broadcast in color. The first all-color prime-time season came j(Alice et le maire (2020)t one year later. In 19402, the last holdout among daytime network shows converted to color, resulting in the first completely all-color network season.
❍❍❍ Formats and Genres ❍❍❍
See also: List of genres § Film and television formats and genres
Television shows are more varied than most other forms of media due to the wide variety of formats and genres that can be presented. A show may be fictional (as in comedies and dramas), or non-fictional (as in documentary, news, and reality television). It may be topical (as in the case of a local newscast and some made-for-television films), or historical (as in the case of many documentaries and fictional MOVIE). They could be primarily instructional or educational, or entertaining as is the case in situation comedy and game shows.[citation needed]
A drama program (Alice et le maire (2020)ually features a set of actors playing characters in a historical or contemporary setting. The program follows their lives and adventures. Before the 1980s, shows (except for soap opera-type serials) typically remained static without story arcs, and the main characters and premise changed little.[citation needed] If some change happened to the characters’ lives during the episode, it was (Alice et le maire (2020)ually undone by the end. Beca(Alice et le maire (2020)e of this, the episodes could be broadcast in any order.[citation needed] Since the 1980s, many MOVIE feature progressive change in the plot, the characters, or both. For instance, Hill Street Blues and St. Elsewhere were two of the first American prime time drama television MOVIE to have this kind of dramatic structure,[4][better source needed] while the later MOVIE Babylon 5 further exemplifies such structure in that it had a predetermined story running over its intended five-season run.[citation needed]
In 2020, it was reported that television was growing into a larger component of major media companies’ Becomingenues than film.[5] Some also noted the increase in quality of some television programs. In 2020, Academy-Award-winning film director Steven Soderbergh, commenting on ambiguity and complexity of character and narrative, stated: “I think those qualities are now being seen on television and that people who want to see stories that have those kinds of qualities are watching television.
❍❍❍ Thank’s For All And Happy Watching❍❍❍
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ooc: First anyone can comment on this post or like it. If you want to ask me questions my ask box is open. I am more than willing to answer questions you may have.
A more cohesive list of my comments and thoughts on cats 2019, let it be known it is still hot garbage and still does not belong in the jellicle junkyard. Before I go on, I want to say, Cat’s is my favorite musical. I RP Munkustrap. To critique any version (and their are lots) you have to love The Musical. Any other critique is objectively a person who will rate it badly. Cats was never going to do well, it never has despite its run length through tours and different countries. Cats has never been viewed well by critiques, and is hugely hated in the theater community which is why when you see and read those reviews you have to know they have a preconceived notion of what cats is, and that is that its weird and therefore they cannot like it.
The three biggest critiques I see of the movie (and the show for the first one) is their is no plot, which I will discuss in this review how their in fact is one, how its horny and if you thought the movie was horny well John Partridge is knocking at your door asking if you’ve had your sexual awakening yet, and that the CGI is bad, which yes it is. My goal is to show why some of these are a bit unfounded but also let you see why a person who likes the musical is so disappointed that this movie only perpetuates that this musical is a joke.
Now onto the review. It is around 10k words, so negatives are under the cut.
Positives:
Robbie tried really hard, but sadly he wasn’t enough. He had a few off beats such as his initial intro, and his smile at the end that was weird. But he was good, and he made the shit show of gumbie cat and tugger’s song slightly better by joking with jenny any dots which was one of the best jokes in the whole movie.
Jennifer was a good Grizabella. Anyone making fun of her snot has forgotten Anne Hathaway singing I Dreamed a Dream, and should rightfully shut up.
The rewritten plot was bad, but the song that fit the best with the adaptions made for this horrid movie, besides Skimble’s song which I will talk about in a second, was Bustopher Jones. In the original his number is all about how well respected he is, but people remember his song is a story to make him seem better, we should not be surprised he is dumpster diving for food at all, sorry of a reality hit for old busty but its the truth.
Ian was a good choice for Gus, it was very similar to John Mills’ portrayal with only a bit more backstory. What was missing was a back and forth between someone, such as Jellylorum. Monologues are great but having a scene partner is better because that energy helps momentum and you feel things. Gus is arguably the slowest song, and it needs some livelness and no Misto’s little magic trick was not enough.
Mungo and Rumple were good. I hate the debut version of the song and they made me like it. For those wondering why we didn’t get the fun jazz number and got this slow moving one its because it came from the Debut on West End. The issue with the slow moving one is it falls in the middle where the pacing is already slow packed with more slow songs so it can seem a bit boring. I also wish Rumple kept her accent up.
The idea of the rundown theater/ballroom was really good. It allowed for a very similar feel that the junkyard presents with props and such for the cats to use. The issue is it was not our set the entire time and we are constantly taken out of it.
Skimble’s number was probably the best in the entire movie. It had the feel of the original with freshness from the tap which was genius. The tap dancing added the sounds of the railway in the same way the cats original make the train whistle noise. And the guy tapping was one of the originators of the Mad hatter in The Royal Opera House’s Alice in Wonderland so he was good. The issue with Skimble is the cut to the train and rail station which I will get to.
Negatives:
Three categories
Plot ( songs, characters, dance ), Technical ( movie stuff, CGI, proportions ), Anything I forgot.
Plot
Lets start generally. People say their is no plot even though Hooper attempted to “give” it a plot he failed. Their was no reason because all Hooper did was not only drop his plot halfway through, but he didn’t adhere to his own rules, nor did he need to add a plot at all. The dialogue was clunky at best, and not funny.
So the plot that Cats has always had is said almost immediately after the opening numbers. It is said by a grey cat that unless you know the musical you don’t know the name of but considering his prominence in the musical you know he’s important. He has solos in most songs, and even more in the movie. In the stage show this plot is seen through with a few interuptions. But here is he plot of the stage show for you. The jellicles come together for a ball where a cat will be chosen to be reborn. At times you get this threat, a cat by the name of macavity who you never seen he’s just scary. The cats ask who will it be, and the reason the songs are sung is because the cats are suggesting names of who it could be hence “i have a gumbie cat in mind...” This goes on for a bit their are two songs that don’t seem to fit in this formula, technically three, Grizabella’s songs (not memory), Peeks and Pollicles, and Growltiger’s Last Stand. Grizabella’s songs are to point out who she is and how she is distinctively not a jellicle, or no longer one. Peeks and Pollicles is entertainment they got a whole night to waste before dawn. The same can be said of Growltiger, but it is also paired with being Gus reprising a role more or less. The last two are for entertainment, just like the Jellicle Ball song where jellicles literally describe what kinds of cats they are, its also a bit of a mating dance but hey they are supposed to be cats. So we get to Macavaty he has threatened to appear quite a few times, he is scary, that is all we know. His song is sung as a cautionary tale to the audience and the kittens, he then finally appears and fights and hurts the protector among a few others and takes The Leader Old Deuteronomy. The cats are a bit distraught, then elvis cat struts in and is like what about Misto the magic guy. He then proceeds to say what Misto can do before Misto officially appears as Misto, he has been their all along though using his powers subtly to help the show progress he’s confident if their is something he is unsure about its where his powers come from. Misto brings Old Deuts back, and then Grizabella makes one last plea to the cats IN FRONT OF THEM explaining what happened and such. She gets the touch she craves and Deuts chooses her no words needed. Her plea isn’t part of a competition, it is one to be accepted being chosen is a secondary thing to that. Then we the audience get addressed formally like we did at the beginning a la “are you blind when your born” but this time its like “so you’re not a cat, so now you get us a bit more.” Then it ends.
The movie takes this fairly simple plot of party, guessing who could be chosen, we have to wait a bit before the choice can be made, threat appears, leader who makes the choice disappears then comes back, makes the choice, and turns it into a farce. Something that TS Eliot would hate. TS Eliot didn’t want his cats to be pussy cats, he wanted Hot Gossip. He didn’t want something cartoonish, which is why Andrew was given the rights in the first place. The thing is poetry should not ever be spelled out for you, is up to you to interpret, and these songs and plot is pieced together straight from Poetry. Hooper fucked with that vision, I mean Macavity falling at the end shows this perfectly, that was something you see in a damn cartoon.
The plot Hooper added didn’t work because he dropped it like halfway through. It was no consistent and because their were so many breakaways to the barge letting you see the barge instead of just thinking these cats are in perilous danger it ruins the steaks of not having them there. The plot was bad.
Additionally, and I’ll speak more on this a little later, when the cats are taken away you lose chorus cats. The only cats that are not in the entirety of the show are Bustopher Jones and Growltiger who are generally played by the same actor as the true range for them is that of an opera singer which you would never know looking at this movie.
Songs
Overture: It was weird. I thought the throwing a cat out of a car was a bit harsh and unnecessary. Also the choreography didn’t work. The camera did not know what to do. Additionally, their was some very bad CGI with opening said back. The individual cats did not get their little moments like they do in the stage show which only made them all blend together.
Prologue: Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats: It was drastically cut. Not all the cats get their correct solos, or solos. Some were duets which takes away from the individuality of certain cats. It again like the overture was messy with choreography with the camera not knowing where to go or who to look at. The beauty of the cinematography of the 98 production is you got to see the full stage when dancing happened so your eye could find a focus, you could focus on what you want. We are robbed of that with the choppy cutting and the camera telling us who to focus on. Its poor film choice. Cats a musical that is more music based than les mis you can’t just cut back and forth in a duet or in a song to who is singing like you can with les mis ( which hooper also fucked up ). Also what was with only like five cats singing the solos. I’m sorry this is when we are supposed to meat the chorus, this was like a bad choir rehearsal.
The Naming of Cats: Blink and you’ll fucking miss it. They make such a big deal about a second name but then ITS CUT! They don’t name any second names, only boring first names. Like why even include the fucking song if you aren’t going to tell us character’s names or second names. This would have been a perfect moment with the sloppy cutting to at least let us put names to faces. Everyone walked out of that theater not having a clue that the silver dad cat was Munkustrap cause as important as he is his name is said once in a song, that isn’t about him. This song was pointless in the movie because they cut so much of it.
Invitation to the Jellicle Ball: So much is cut. So much. We don’t get solos from more than Munk. Its such a sad song with how much is cut and how important it is. It gives us Victoria’s solo which is also cut in favor of a Pas De Deux, which I get you got two great ballet dancers as your leads, but like let her have her damn moment since your so focused on making sure she is the focus of the movie.
Also my second fault to Munk, aside from him having no confidence or the write key in his first line “Are you blind when you’re born.” His solo here is weirdly paced and he doesn’t speak with confidence like he is telling a story, it sounds like he is speaking fast, and just not caring what he is delivering. If your audience conduit is confused the whole time, like this chick is, then don’t rush the deliverance of what the plot is.
This song also tells us the point of the musical and invokes the question “who will it be” which traditionally leads to the cats singing songs about different cats who may or may not appear suggesting who they think could be chosen. The competition which is completetely stupid, having each cat sing their song does not work. Most of the songs are songs sung by other cats about cats. Hence the opening line of the next number.
Gumbie Cat: Rebel Wilson cannot sing well. She has decent pitch. But she cannot sing well, nor does she understand the character. She calls Jenny lazy and fat. The stage version she’s essentially the opposite. Jenny is not a fat joke. She is busy cat who doesn’t get out much, but she does alot of good.
The cockroaches and mice. Besides bad CGI aside, this concept was poorly executed. It was a good concept, a good theory but the execution made it bad. In the stage production the cats in the junkyard portray the mice and cockroaches because its an act its like a play within a play. Here we get badly CGIed kids in mice costumes that ever version of the damn Nutcracker has done better. We get tap dancing cockroaches. However unlike with Skimbleshanks’ number, we do not get to focus on the tap or the clarity of the tap because of the poor filmography which I’ll talk about later.
This number was pretty much ruined by Rebel making a joke out of the whole. Additionally, she zips off her fur. Like its not a coat, or a bigger bit of fur its her literal fur. Its just wrong and it looks cartoonish which again TS Eliot did not want for his cats poems.
Rum Tum Tugger: Jason was a smart choice, but he also did not care about the number. He wasn’t giving it all he had. He has the vocals for it, but he wasn’t giving it. The dancing in this number suffered, none of the kittens or cats in general seem to be loosing their shits over him. They seem more happy about the damn milk.
Many critics say the movie is horny, let me tell you this number has nothing on John Partridge or any person who has ever played Tugger. I mention John because he is the only one who really went their with the hip thrusts and the kittens were the only ones willing to get up in there. Their was no fear the in 98 version, here they all seemed scared to show anything more than emotion. In a song that helps define some of the chorus cats we don’t get any definition from them.
Alot of people hate some of Rebel’s jokes, but the one that Robbie teased her about was well timed and much better than the rest of the jokes in the movie. It seemed natural and not forced. It also kind of goes with the traditional relationship of Jenny and Munk, and how they view Tugger.
This is the only time we see Tugger til the very end with Munk’s song. Because he sings a song, and its not for the competition it already fucks with the plot that Hooper set forth and thus doesn’t really fit into the narrative that Hooper is trying to weave. He should have left it. Originally the song is a mix of the adult cats and the kittens talking about Tugger and having Tugger more or less clarify for them. Its a waste of his character to be honest, and a waste of Jason’s actual talents.
Grizabella the Glamor Cat: Why do we need to know her specific backstory. Her costuming and song should be enough to tell the audience what we need to know. This is classic example of telling not showing, which is a big no no in writing.
Also because of how the beginning of this movie has gone we have no connection to the damn cats singing this song. Two of them typically have had parts in two other songs by now, and one of the cats is a “psychopath” as t-swiftizzle has said and doesn’t appear til much later in the movie. Like why do these cats care. The apprehension from the stage show is not there.
Kudos to Robbie for keeping the strange relationship up where he is hairs standing on end, but still admonishing the rudeness. However it didn’t seem to have an effect. These actors are so scared to touch each other, why would they make fun of and scratch at a cat they aren’t supposed to like. The song had very little agency because of how it was performed and who performed it because we had no connection to those cats prior. Jennifer tried but damn its hard to carry a whole shit show on your back even if Robbie is trying to help.
Bustopher Jones: I said it above and I’ll say it again, this was probably the best integrated song into the plot, while the shit plot still existed. However James Cordon’s jokes did not land. He didn’t carry himself as a distinguished cat in those deliveries which would have helped the character. I didn’t mind the junk and garbage surfing because it gives you a bit of a realistic look on what he probably does at the clubs and such. Think of him like a bit of a dirtier version of lady and the Tramp.
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: Again I said it above, this number objectively wasn’t bad. They took a song that I found grating and made it fun to watch and sung pretty well. However again it doesn’t fit into the contrived plot that Hooper was trying to form. Having Victoria there seemed very stupid, I will say more about how she is a poor choice for an Audience insert later. But she did not need to be there. The glory of Mungo and Rumple’s song is that no one is there, and they are taking a mick out of everyone who thinks they are Macavity. Whether it is the West End debut version, or the faster brassier verseion of the 98 show, they are alone making fun of the fact that they fooled everyone, and explain why they can do it through their song.
Old Deuteronomy: It was fine, decent. Until Judi Dench opened her mouth. I am bitter that Tugger didn’t sing the song with Munk but considering how much of the song was fucking cut what would he have sung? That is another issue this musical had, they cut so many songs, and left in songs that weren’t needed or added songs not written by TS Eliot originally at all. You miss the softer side to Tugger by not having him sing or even be here.
Judi Dench, she’s a great actress, she was not a great Old Deuteronomy. This has nothing to do with the fact that she was a woman. I would have been happy if it was Julie Andrews or Maggie Smith ANYONE, but Judi Dench. Judi can’t sing, the talk singing she did was pitchy at best. And the issue is Old Deuteronomy is one of the more powerful singers in the show. Not only that, Judi just did not command any presence. It wasn’t that she was small, it was just that she didn’t draw you to her, the camera had to do that. She molded into the background and none of the cats aside from Munk interacted with her, which made her seem like a stranger and not a cat that these other cats love and trust.
Jellicle Ball: I am crying for Gillian Lynne. This in the stage show is what many call the orgy number. It is more or less a mating dance and where we get the lovely victoria having her second big solo, followed by a lovely pas de deux with Plato who later becomes Macavity which I find intriguing.
In the movie we get Jason asking if its okay to party then they try to bring up the tempo by cutting the music awkwardly. This song just does not work with the choreography given to it. I am sure the Les Twins are great dancers, but first why couldn’t their cat names have been Coricopat and Tantomile they seemed to serve a similar purpose. Second why were they in this. The shoes ugh, but the hip hop does not match the song at all. The stick out and are just awkward.
Instead of this being a beautiful dance, with amazing choreography we get a very strange dance circle after the choreographer attempted to have the dancers dance on the softer notes and down beats, which does not work in a song with very hard up beats, and that isn’t a ballet number. The choreography over all just didn’t fit and seemed ill timed at best.
Also all of the damn lyrics were cut. The Jellicle Ball essentially explains what a jellicle is, which is what Victoria wants to be yet its not fucking explained to her, its poorly explained through dialogue and even then she doesn’t know. Like why take out the lyrics of this number. It made no sense.
Grizabella’s Reprise: Unlike the first song being in front of people, this song isn’t. But if I recall cats are watching. This is where we get the first inklings of memory. This is her plight. Its ruined by Victoria.
Beautiful Ghosts: I will say straight up I am not a fan of T-Swiftie her songs are petty at best, and this one is no different. This song was not needed. We did not need this blatant reason for Victoria to connect with Grizabella, we didn’t need it forced. The beautiful thing about the stage show is the touch and connection between Victoria and Griz is that it happens at the end of the show, and ITS NATURAL and is in combination with Jemima/Silabaub.
The song’s words are written by Taylor, and everyone is saying it fits so well with the musical and it doesn’t. We have no reason to feel bad for Victoria, yes she was dumped out of a car, but we know nothing about her past, and the song doesn’t do anything but allude to what happened. It is the epitome of “I had bad shit happen to me my whole life, but at least your life was good.” It is a song that completely lacks empathy. Sympathy is when you say “well it could be worse” and the last thing Grizabella wants is fucking sympathy. She needs someone to feel with her, not say it could be worse. This song is horrible with a horrible message and sung by a person who can sing well. BUT, its sung by the wrong character, and with the contrived plot that is being forced down our throats, it does not fit into the plot because we don’t know anything about Victoria at all.
Also it greatly irks me that everyone was okay with adding a song that wasn’t based of Eliot’s poems. Every single song in the stage production is a variation of one of Eliot’s poems whether published or not. It is a butchering of his work in a whole new way saying “here we’ll make it better” which is a huge insult to a poet.
The Moments of Happiness: Is it even in the movie? IDK, if it is its probably pitchy and sing talked all the way through, and does nothing for the story or anything. I think it might be when Deuts is looking out the window. But like the song is an addressing to the cats, kind of like an introduction or a toast for the Ball.
Magical Gus/Gus the Theater Cat: Ian was a smart choice, like John Mills he was a smart choice. BUT, the number felt long. John Mills’ number ran long and we didn’t get all of Mungo and Rumple’s song and Growltiger’s last stand was cut. Gus’ song is the slowest in the show. What helps the song have life in the stage version is Jellylorum singing with him. Actors in my opinion do better with a scene partner, and boy did this song need. It was slow and boring.
Growltiger’s Last Stand: We were robbed a good song. And what we did get, the one line we got was contrived and Growltiger’s song was reduced to a shitty villain song, on a shitty barge, to help this shitty plot. The worst thing is that this whole barge plot WASN’T NEEDED. We do not need to see people in danger to know they are in danger. It is better to not know than to know. This is the whole issue with upping Macavity’s role in the whole musical. A villain is better when they are unknown that’s why scary movies work.
I understand the original Growltiger song is racist, but they already cut songs, and they have shown no issues in changing lyrics, so they could have done. Growltiger originally is supposed to be a reenactment of a play that Gus did. The cats all help. This is another example of ruining the relationships the chorus cats have with each other, and robs them of characterization for us to see. Because remember in the stage show every cat is on stage 90 percent of the time, minus Bustopher, who I believe doubles as Growltiger because of the ranges and such needed. When we lose the cats we are introduced to the chorus becomes nameless faces and it makes me wonder why they are even there because they have nothing that makes them stand out.
Also because so much of Growltiger was cut we loose Griddlebone which is a fucking shame. We loose that tragedy of a tail. We loose a glorious opratic number. All for the sake of a shitty villain plot that had no real steaks at all because it all seemed so contrived and fake.
Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat: Possibly the best number in the show as it stayed the truest to its original form. It didn’t have much cut song wise. My issue with the song lies in the cinematography of it. This song I say rings the truest to the stage show because at the beginning we clearly see a formed railway track of beams. We get the lovely tapping to simulate the train which adds onto the other train sounds that are made in the number.
The issue is the fact that they take us out of the ballroom. There was no need for that. I will talk more about it later. But this number shows us the real issue with scale in this movie and how they have no clue how to address it at all. The cats at one point look like they are two inches tall, and at another point look like the scaling is correct. Their are many many bad bad jump cuts when they are on the actual railroad tracks. One was so bad you couldn’t even see the cast anymore. The scale is very off because it makes you question are they the correct portions when standing, or are they they correct portions when on their hands and feet.
The stage show manages to show everything this song showed within the confines of the junkyard, and it was completely feasible to do in the fucking ballroom but Hooper didn’t do that. When you have a big budget do not add unnecessary shots. That is what made the 98 version so great. They had a huge budget but didn’t over complicate the base show. The emphasized the dancing and singing and let those shine, and let the actors tell the story instead of letting the camera work and new shots tell the story.
Also the actor that played Skimble was Scottish I wish he let that come through. It would have made certain words and inflections just that much better.
Macavity: The Mystery Cat: In this stage show this song is a duet. In the movie is sung by T-Swizzle in order to get money from all her little fans. Taylor is an okay singer, i have heard better, and I have heard better for Bombalurina, both in seeing the musical live, and in the 98 version. They framed the song to be the one Macavity sings to show why he should be chosen but their are not cats to be chosen, remember that was the plot. Yeah its easy to forget.
Here’s the issue with how this song and its subsequent fight is worked out. The song’s lyrics are not changed so they talk about how bad Macavity is which in the frame of a competition to show your best qualities and why you should be chosen it does not fit. We know he was not going to get chosen, we knew from the beginning because it was shoved in our faces. Cats 2019 is a great example of a poorly written villain.
The song in the stage production is a cautionary tale told by two people who have likely had relations with Macavity. They are not only warning us the audience about him, but also the kittens who wonder who he is, who have never seen him. When you keep the context of the lyrics in with this new plot frame it doesn’t fit and only explains why he wouldn’t be chosen.
Additionally because its not a duet, and its sung by a cat we have never seen before, nor have any frame of reference for it doesn’t mesh well. Like why should we care?
Also the catnip. That is so pointless. Macavity is a magical cat, his powers to deceive and hypnotize are seen through his choreography in the fight seen with Munkustrap and Alonzo. But no we have to have magical cat nip spread by Bomby, Mungo, Rumple, and Griddlebone. Why even mention Griddlebone like this with the inclusion of Rumple if we do not get the song where we actually see just why she is an agent other than some lacky. Like this diminishes her character so much. ( And yes her inclsuion in the stage shows that don’t do growltiger like the 98 movie does also bug me this is not just a movie gripe, but the movie takes the stance to show us to her, but she is not the glorious white cat that is also so very evil, she is a wimpy little black cat who is scared that she is called out ).
Macavity’s fight seen mainly with Munk is taken away from us and given to the dumb barge cats fighting Growltiger. Again we have no real steaks in this fight. However we don’t see the barge cats again so why did it matter that we saw them off Growltiger? In the stage show, we actually see Munk, our silver tabby dad fight Macavity. It is a show of raw power that both he and Macavity have. It shows how dangerous Macavity is. It shows what cats do. They fight. We do not get this. We do not get see why all these other cats defer to Munk because his role as the protector is diminished to “I am dad cat hear me roar.” Losing this fight we loose alot of the connections we see between the main cats and the chorus cats. They all help each other, and want to fight. We see them care for a hurt Munk in the stage show. All that is gone and diminished to poor jokes, and twirling chains on a barge that looks about as real as a toy bathtub boat.
In the stage show, Macavity is scared away in this number. Which means he is still a threat but not for now. Not for the rest of the fight. Additionally this number we get the fake out of Deuteronomy coming back because that is how the fight happens. Macavity stole Deuteronomy just moments ago and to see Deut’s come back, we get a false sense of hope and a true feeling of Macavity’s madness. We don’t get that in the movie.
The movie boils him down to a bad villain in a cartoon. Which is the exact opposite of Eliot’s wishes. It is exactly the opposite of what Eliot wanted and why he was so scared to actually give away the rights to his poems.
Mr Mistoffelees: A song traditionally sung by the most confident cat in the musical Tugger, is sung by a character assassination in progress. This version of Mr. Mistoffelees tries to fit into the contrived plot of competing for a Jellicle Life and it fails miserably. A number that is traditionally loved by so many is utterly ruined by the lack of confidence in the entire delivery of the song. I will talk more about Mistoffelees’ character later.
But this song is riddled with so many starts and stops that we don’t actually get a climax to the song. And look Jason is back as Tugger, but his part is taken by Victoria, and the number just doesn’t work. I do not care what you ship. The number does not work the way it was sung or staged. Also Tugger shows back up in this number and when you think he is going to sing the a part its sung by Victoria, it cuts to her, and I was disappointed.
When Tugger sings the song, he tells you of a cat with powers. Powers that we see used throughout the show in subtle ways. Its not shoved in our damn faces. its used in helpful ways. In stage productions he opens the car for Jenny, He lights the stage lights for Peeks and Pollicles. Its all these subtle things, but he knows he is good at magic. Tugger knows this. Tugger sings it.
Victoria and Mistoffelees singing the song rips that all away. Mistoffelees has no confidence in himself though he used magic through the show, it was shoved in our faces. Victoria suggesting he can bring Old Deut’s back is completely pointless because the only magic she has ever seen Misto do is bad magic that only half worked. Now granted she has this insane ability to see the best in everyone and see them ALONE so like who knows.
But the number is ruined because their is no continuation or build up. And no conjuring turn come on. Also Robbie tried, but he is no Tugger. It feels weird coming from him. Like yes he encourages the cats, but like we also never see the other side of being parent, because they cut Peeks and Pollicles which I will discuss at the very end of the song section.
Beautiful Ghosts Reprise: I have no clue if this is before or after Memory. But Victoria’s agency in this number is so stupid. All her interactions with Grizabella were in private where no one saw. Her touching Grizabella means absolutely nothing to us as an audience for many reasons which I will go into later. But here it means nothing because Victoria means nothing to the Jellicles as she isn’t one.
Memory: If you have an issue with the snot go watch Anne Hathaway sing I dreamed a dream and come back to me okay. Tom Hooper has a fetish about that kind of stuff or something.
But snot aside IT FITS THE SONG! Grizabella is supposed to be sad. This is her moment, her chance to cry out for someone to touch her her. Her chance to be accepted again.
We get back to the contrived plot cause she sings a song for a chance to win. But the song does not fit into the contrived plot because even if we are following the shit plot, because of Beautiful Ghosts it seems more like she wants to belong again rather than a chance to go to the Heavy Side Layer hence why Beautiful Ghosts is a pointless song even more than it already was.
In the stage show, Jemima sings with Grizabella. She is a chorus cat mostly but this is her moment to shine. Victoria gets it which fine, but also takes away from the Jellicles accepting Griz because Victoria is not a Jellicle herself. Why on earth should these cats listen to her? They have no reason to. Also because not only was the initial touch done in private, because all these characters don’t interact with each other the touch is rendered meaningless which almost renders the song meaningless. Which is a shame cause Jennifer killed it.
Journey to the Heavyside Layer: It was fine. I could have done without the Macavity bit at the end that was literally pulled from a Tom and Jerry Cartoon, which again Eliot would have hated. Yes its acted by a real person, but its cartoon like in nature ( just like jenny zipper her fur off ) which is the antithesis of what Eliot wanted to become of his poems.
The Ad-dressing of Cats: Why was this song kept in? Out of all the songs this one more or less directly addresses the audience. They had Judi Dench break the fourth wall and stare directly into the camera which was uncomfortable, and not done well. I have seen staring straight into the camera done well in exactly one piece of film and that is Mr. Robot. Here it was weird and uncomfortable. No one seemed to know what to do. The chorus was stronger than Judi so her words were overpowered. She was pitchy at best, and just downright awful in this song.
Then she tells Victoria she is a Jellicle which... like yeah finish out your contrived plot Hooper, but all if it was pointless. And it ruins the “Victoria is the Audience stand in” because the song actually addressed directly to the audience was not addressed to our stand in. It does not match the opening at all which is also addressed to the audience in the stage show. The book ends don’t match and its weird.
When I say book ends, at the beginning the number asks questions about cats can you do this can you do that. At the end it asks you “so you get what a cat is now right?” Its a pretty clever way to begin and end a show. But the movie got lost and forget what it was doing so here it seems weird and out of place.
Peeks and Pollicles: A number that was cut. This number is one of my favorites in the musical because it helps waste time til the end. It allows the cats to interact with each other and Old Deuteronomy. It is one of the best numbers to see the interpersonal relationships between our chorus of cats and our main cats.
This number not being in takes all that away and does not let us see personality in any of the chorus cats. Even Mungo and Rumple fall flat because we do not get to see them not be evil or talk about being mischievous.
This number also provides context for what a Peek is. In Macavity the word Peek is said but if you have only ever seen the movie you have no idea what that word is. In the stage show we learn that it is a term for a type of dog. Additionally, when we take this song out, we also lose some plot context of the cats and the junkyard putting plays to help act out the songs of who they think it will be. And in this case what looks like to be a rehearsed play that the cats are determined to mess up and make our silver tabby go from silver to grey.
Dance
There was so much sacrificed for the sake of cinematography. A musical based in dance had barely any dancing shown because of quick cuts. And what was shown was often clunky and didn’t actually look feline. Nor did it match the music because the choreographer tried to hard to be like the greats who choreographed the nut cracker and other ballets. He also ruined Gillian Lynne’s choreography.
They looked like trained dancers when they danced. Which yeah is good, but they didn’t look like cats. Their hands were often turned up, when to make them slightly more catlike they should be turned down. None of them got comfortable with being on the ground. They all seemed so very very stiff which is the exact opposite of how a cat should be.
None of them understood how to dance like a cat.
The tap dancing in Gumbie Cat as opposed to Skimbleshanks is astonishing. The tap dancing in Gumbie Cat is messy and hardly focused on, when its the star of the stage show. It looks contrived and like they were trying to hard to recreate a scene from a famous black and white film. Also this is a CGI comment but if you look hard enough you can tell that the cockroaches are like the same three dancers copied and pasted over and over.
Contrast that to Skimble with his clear taps. Now the actor who played Skimble is known for tapping. He is a member of the Royal Opera House, which is a ballet company in England. His tapping was made famous when he originated the role of the Mad Hatter, with some brilliant choreography that he was given. His tapping hear shines. It is just a really good example of tap. And its a shame it had to share the stage with the cockroach crap.
The opening numbers was not given what it deserved by the cats jumping everywhere. The opening is a highly for the choreography of the show. Its supposed to show you what you can expect. In the movie it was just alot of jump cuts, and Misto fucking it all up, sorry not sorry. I did not fall for the cute factor. Additionally the choral portion was not choral. They did not line up thus when they line up at the end at Trafalgar Square, we have no reference to them doing this before. Its a shame.
Tugger did not dance sexually enough. I know I know I shouldn’t say this. But most actors who play Tugger try to do some variation of John Partridge’s version, with less hip thrusts. Jason didn’t even try, and thus none of the kittens were enthralled with him. It made the point of his song pointless. Additionally Tugger is one of the strongest dancers in the show in my opinion. He dances in every number and adds his flare. Because Jason is in the movie all of 5 minutes we don’t see this.
I am sure the Les Twins are great dancers. But none of that was showcased. They were pigeon holed into this and tried to fit and failed.
So much choreography was cut because so much of the songs were cut. Jellicle Ball has so many lyrics that are danced and they are cut. So much dancing was cut in favor of showing us Grizabella running away. In the musical that is subtle and you know WHY? its supposed to be it is not supposed to completely take our attention of of the magic that is happening with the dance. That is why Griz is chased away because she draws your attention to her. We didn’t need the camera doing that, and thus ruining the flow of the number.
Characters:
Munkustrap: Not much bad about him. He had a few off beats. He tried. Thought their are times where he looked bored, and his face was not good at hiding it.
Victoria: One face wonder, she is like the Maddie from dance mom’s of this movie. She’s got a Maddie face, and it made it hard to think she had any emotion at all because she didn’t emote. Also white cats are more often than not deaf which the musical often shows as mute because Victoria has no solos. For her to speak was jarring. The speaking was jarring in general but most of the lines coming from her was off putting.
Her not being a jellicle outright ruined any agency she had in the movie. She had more say in things like Misto and Griz than she should have had. The solo she was given was petty and very very condescending to Griz.
She was a bad audience stand in because in trying to keep her original stage role they tried to mix it with this new plot role and it just did not work. And made you forget what they were doing with the plot because the plot was so contrived.
I don’t get why she had to have stripes and spots. She’s a solid white house cat, not some fucking snow leopard.
Misto: He was ruined. He has forced us to see his magic, then doubts himself when asked to use it. He is not confident in himself and a bumbling fool. In the stage production he is confident. The only thing he doesn’t understand is where his powers come from. This is seen wonderfully in the 1998 version where he looks at his hands as he is shooting sparks from them. His character was ruined.
Skimble: Like Munk nothing wrong. But we don’t see him interact with the regular chorus cats so it begs to wonder why is he even trying to show them anything. They don’t seem to know him. Their is no connection between the cats with songs named after them and the chorus aside from maybe Misto.
Tugger: He was not John Partridge. Just watch 98 cats and you will see what you are missing when it comes to who Tugger is.
Jenny-any-Dots: She was mischaracterized by Rebel as being fat, lazy, and old. Her character of being a respectable busy cat who seems lazy to her owners is assassinated. Like their is a reason Munk likes her but that reason is gone in the movie.
Old Deuteronomy: Judy Dench was bad. She couldn’t sing, and commanded no real authority or presence. Robbie could only do so much to give that to her. But she did nothing to earn it.
Admetus/Rumpus Cat: Sadly gone from this movie, though probably because Rumpus would have been more cartoonish than Macavity was and they were already hurting Eliot’s legacy enough. Also I’m not sure we could have handled the camp superhero of Rumpus Cat in this shit CGI.
Alonzo: Was he there? I don’t know. The chorus cats were all a singular blob that did not stand out and had not individuality and personality. He interacts with Munk alot but we didn’t see that.
Asparagus: Not present, granted he wouldn’t have been present anyways because Gus was only present for his number (and that awful barge seen) but in the 98 version and most stage versions he is the chorus version of Gus the Theater Cat. In 98 he is argued to be a son of Gus, or just a younger version of Gus. Because remember what I said in the stage production every cat is on stage for about 90% of the time.
Bombalurina: She’s apparently psychotic in this version. Which she’s not, but also in the stage version she’s not either. Instead of being someone who survived the influence of a less than pleasing purpose she is henchman number one. The Smee ( but more coordinated ) to Macavity’s Hook.
Bustopher Jones: Was decent. James was good, but he also missed the mark with his jokes and they didn’t land well. We saw a more realistic version of him instead of the show’s idealized version which I was fine with. But his lines were wooden and not good. Hence why this show should not have spoken lines.
Cassandra: Was apparently there? She looked purplish I think or maybe that was Demeter. I don’t know but she was rude, and more catty than show Cassandra. But we don’t really know who she is because beyond the Glamor Cat song she along with Demeter disappear into the background with cats that don’t matter.
Coricopat and Tantomile: Replaced with Plato and whatever the other philosopher was played by the Les Twins. They didn’t fit in. Shoving hip hop into cats has been proven to not work, hip hop tugger anyone? So why they tried again here, I don’t know. But they failed. We loose these lovely mystical twins, and get stuck with twins in converse? Like why? What brought on that costume choice, why did that slip through?
Demeter: Could be Cassandra. We don’t know. She’s just a mean girl and not a traumatized cat who is the first to think a sign of danger is Macavity. She was robbed of her duet cause t-swizzle needs all the fame. Munk doesn’t get his moments with her cause VICTORIA! Ugh.
Electra, Etcetera, Exotica: Were any of them there? The world may never know. The movie didn’t show us faces to put with names like the 98 version did. So if they were there who knows. You probably would have no seen or heard them since most solos they had were covered by like four other cats only. And the rest of the chorus cats was a brown grey blob because those are the only cat colors apparently.
Grizabella: We did not need to be told her back story. The song alludes to enough. Jennifer did great though. I just wish her moments were not in so much seclusion. It ruins her final song. We are robbed of young Griz in the opening number.
Gus: Ian did great. He was the right choice, the went a John Mills route. But his number dragged. Ian also didn’t have any connection to anyone in the cast. Like when Misto talks to him his reactions make it seem like he does not care who these cats are now. It makes him seem stuck up rather than reminiscent.
Jellylorum: Apparently was a kitten? Sigh. She is supposed to give Gus as a suggest and sing his song with him as a duet to kind of play off of each other. It gives the number some action and liveliness. Even with all the cuts, the number still dragged.
Jemima/Silabaub: First her name varies depending on where you are watching the stage show. Whatever she had was given to Victoria. Apparently this is because that cat was based of ALW’s wife. Which like fine, but like Hooper can you at least be more cohesive with your plot if you are going to cut a character out?
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: We see no real personality from them. Sorry but we don’t. We just see them scheming with each other because they are “evil.” We don’t get the story that the show or the 98 musical gives us. A moment i love from the 98 version is when Macavity does come Mungo ducks and covers his head with hands. It just shows that even Macavity’s own guys, cause Mungo is mentioned in the song not Rumple ( which leads me to think she came later or pulled him out of that ), but it shows just how scary Macavity is. And we don’t get that in the movie. In the movie we get them not knowing Macavity’s plan, which like what use are you then?
Plato: Commandeered by the Les Twins he is ruined. In the show he has a pas de deux with victoria and its a bit sexy and still gorgeous with the gorgeous famous overhead lift that the show is known for. He also doubles as Macavity cause again all the cats are on stage for about 90% of the musical save for a few.
Pouncival: Not there as far as I can tell. Which is a shame Pouncival is a cutie pie in the 98 version.
Tumblebrutus/Carbuckety: His name varies depending on what stage show you are watching. He is the one who tumbles alot. He may have been there, but because of the crappy cinematography whatever tumbling there was, we didn’t see.
Growltiger: Ruined to a poor attempt at a pirate on a toy boat barge.
Griddlebone: Ruined, and demeaned to a low lackey instead of a lavish cat who does with movie Macavity wishes he could.
Macavity: He became a cartoon villain as opposed to an actual threat. He wasn’t ginger, and his eyes were weird he was the only one with weird eyes. He wasn’t scary, any agency he had as a threat was ruined by shoving his badness in our face. They could have just had the cats disappear. Its like Tom Hooper saw a scary movie saw what made it scary, the unknown, and decided I’m not going to do that. Also any thing that would have shown his strenght is gone because hsi fight was taken away.
Any cat in the chorus is just a blob, or not CGIed. LOL. Part of this is because the cast does not interact with each other. In the stage production touch is important. Interpersonal relationships are important. We don’t get any of that. We are not used to touching and nuzzling thus when we see it is awkward. Not to mention the awkard rubbing noise we get when it does happen, it doesn’t help. The cast aside from the named cats, and munk have no personality, they fade into the back and its such a shame because each cat is so unique and different. Granted we wouldn’t know that since when they explain that in the stage show, they cut it out in the movie.
Technical Stuff
The first four songs are pretty much ruined because it takes just about that long to get accustomed to the strange CGI. The CGI is bad, I have seen better CGI cats in video games. Honestly I know makeup is time consuming, but it is cheaper than CGI. Better cats make up that isn’t just the theater makeup can be seen in Doctor Who. What made this CGI so jarring is the lack of noses and lips that looked like cats. We know via BTS pics that the actors wore make up. So why they couldn’t put noses on, or the line straught down to the mouth then curled up the ends of the mouth to give us a muzzle is beyond me. It looks like bad photoshop. I will never understand that decision.
I don’t care that dicks were CGIed out. That is not what made cats “sexy” in the first place. The dancing made it sexy. The CGI was equal to that of movies in the 90s and poorly made video games from the early 2000s.
From a film standpoint it was poorly shot. Tom Hooper does not know how to shoot dance. And it shows. He does so many swift cuts and pans that we don’t get a good view of what the choreography is.
We are too often forced to see things that are already obvious because of other tactics like shadows and voices. We do not need to see a cat disappearing via Macavity. We do not need to see so much yet our focus is taken from the group ruining whatever connection the group had to eachother and us the audience in order to show us bad dialogue and special effects to show capturing. I said it earlier its like Tom Hooper saw scary movies and said I wont do that I’m gonna do it like Tom and Jerry do, but that’s an insult to Tom and Jerry. Or he has never seen a horror movie in his life.
Their are far to many unnecessary scenes paired with jump cuts. We never get a sense of the group of cats as a whole because not only are they seperated from the only cats we know the names of, but we have to see where those cats are since we have to know they are in danger. No one knows of the thread, except like once, which is when Griz arrives. Its like the chorus doesn’t care, even though Hooper does his damndest to make sure we the audience care, but we don’t even our audience stand in doesn’t. These scenes are mainly Growltiger’s barge, and taking us out of the ballroom for Skimble’s number.
Now onto proportions. They are all over the place. A watch would strangle a cat, a ring would not fit around their wrist. They at some points can just reach a door knob, while at other parts barely reach a foot off the ground. The cockroaches and mice did not size down well. Skimble’s number had so many issues with size and cinematography which is a shame cause it was one of the best of the movie. The cats can walk on the tracks like with 3 feet on either side of their own. Yet we all know that is not correct. They look two inchest tall in comparison to the tracks. Yet we see them inside the train and they are like child sized. Then we have weird cuts to wide shots of the bridge which doesn’t help with proportion as one wide shot is so wide the cats nearly disappear. Another proportion issue was the stage in the ballroom it was a normal stage and they measured to it like a normal stage. The moon looked like something out of 1920s black and white film so was proportioned for a normal human, but the chandelier was big and felt oddly proportioned in the ballroom. Like it should not have been able to fit through the whole in the roof.
Tom Hooper did not know what he was doing with this movie. It is very clear he had no vision and did no know what the show was about hence why he had to push his new plot in while keeping everything the same so it seemed like hot garbage which is exactly what it was.
Tom does not know how to film dancing, and he has been notorious for cutting songs and such with Les Mis and he did it again. He cut songs, and then added a song which he did with Les Mis too. He messed up guys.
Back to the CGI for a minute besides the overall choice being bad because all the did could be done with practical makeup and would have looked better. It was poorly done. Their ar emoments when their is just color on the actor’s hands, when their is no color, when their is fur. Judi’s main is curled under her chin so it looks like a really bad fake beird. If you are in the background you may not be CGIed at all. There wer emoments where the connections did work such as feet on the ground, and Munkustrap helping Victoria off the car looked weird cause Victoria’s fur slid around but not with her body. And that is just a few things I noticed. The tails were good but like, it took away from the dancing.
Their was real awkward sound design. First of all the butchering of Andrews music to fit certain aspects like Tugger asking for the party to be turnt up. It was weird and didn’t fit. Additionally any moment where nuzzles or touches happened were awkwardly silent with a sound that sounds like the rubbing of a plasticky material together. None of which is helped by they never actually touch eachother because their is somoene blocking the camera. A show that has a character essentially scream “touch me” lacks touch one of the most basic cat interactions.
Breaking the fourth wall was jarring because it didn’t happen throughout. The 98 version gets away with it because they do it from the beginning. But this was weird. It was a poor choice, and an example of wanting to keep the original but it not coming across because of choices made prior.
Other Stuff and Random Thoughts
The movie was really confused at what it wanted to be. It wanted to have the original plot, but also this new plot which was forotten half way through and remembered again. Continuity was a huge issue with this movie. Victoria as audience stand in doesn’t work because the audience is addressed at the end. The jokes didn’t land. And the subtle jokes in the stage version are all but erased.
Cats would have never done well, even with an extended timeline and good CGI. If it was a perfect movie it would not have done well because it is Cats. Cats has never done well with critics. Its biggest fans are often children because they get the story because it is such a simple story. This movie forgot that, but also tried to make it easier to follow, but they failed cause it was confused.
This movie is a huge disservice to TS Eliot. Eliot did not want pussy cats, that is why he didn’t give the rights to Disney. It wasn’t that he didn’t want animated cats like in Aristocats. He didn’t want his cats to be like Tom from Tom and Jerry, which Macavity became more or less. Their were cartoon moments in the movie, and its a disservice to the Poet. Adding to his works with a new song is a disservice. Making the choreography so contrived because the new choreographer wants to show he has subtlties like Balanchine of Nutcracker fame was a disservice to Gillian Lynne.
The movie lost the vision of what cats is and was. It lost the vision of what a cat is because the cats did not act like cats. We never saw a true cat fight, or the cats interact with each other in ways that weren’t awkward. We never saw them being cats yet we are told that they are cause Judi told us so. They never acted like cats or moved like cats. Simple hand turning downwards instead of upwards, or bending of the legs, holding yourself a little differently that makes all the difference.
The move wasn’t aboslutely terrible, but it was pretty bad. I still think its garbage, and I don’t think its worthy of the title Cats because it was hardly that. A bigger budget does not mean cool CGI, and more shots, it means improve the basics to the very best. The Corridor Crew on Youtube say it best, if you can do it practically do it because it will always look better. This movie missed so many marks.
I say all this out of love because Cats is my favorite musical. But this movie failed. I wish it could be chosen to be reborn, but I’m afraid what we’d get. So I’ll stick with the stage production, if you can see a tour or any of the productions around the world do it. If not watch the 98 version, get the DVD because the one on youtube cuts out some good parts like Tugger playing bagpipes.
I wanted this movie to be good. I wanted to be proud to say I like Cats and I can’t unless I specify the stage version, because this version is not deserving of a like from me.
So I’ll repeat what I said at the beginning of this review, Cats 2019 is garbage that does not belong in the jellicle junkyard. Granted, no one from the 2019 movie or who has seen it would get that reference, but that’s okay. Us real fans know. We’re the true fans we get it. We will love this musical, but I say we cannot love this movie for so many reasons, and I hope I have laid out a few of my own.
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Don’t Make Me Spell It Out For You, Part 1/6
briefest of brief summaries: clarke kind of hates her neighbor because lexa hates fun or something. aka & they were neighbors
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okay, so finally writing this as a fic. i could’ve definitely made this a one-shot, but i divided it into 6 parts (of varying lengths) to have fun with it, and i’m cleaning it up and adding more. also managed to hit several of the classic au prompts: fratboy!clarke, neighbors/girl next door, (kinda) enemies to friends to lovers, city au, useless lesbian/bisexual, & one bed. hope you enjoy.
titles courtesy of Janelle Monae.
EDIT: apparently this entire thing just up and disappeared when i made a small edit on mobile. fixed it. thanks tumblr for being generally awful.
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1. all the feelings that i’ve got for you
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You love and hate living in New York—love the diversity, art scene, local parks, trips to the Bronx Zoo, concerts in Prospect Park, and (finally) earning a living wage after graduating two years ago. You hate the MTA’s ceaseless delays, the owners of the dog barking outside your window every morning, rude restaurant guests who tip poorly, and the puddles that seem to always be on the sidewalks even when it hasn’t rained for days. You love your neighborhood but hate how old your building is—tiny living space, worn out hardwood flooring that slopes, the distinct off-off-white color of it all, and the incredibly thin walls.
You also recently determined that you’re really starting to hate your neighbor.
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The first time you receive a knock at the door, it’s understandable.
Raven is, in her own words, “Queens, born and raised, and therefore a die-hard Mets fan.” It’s not always clear because most of the time she spends watching games, she’s swearing at the players and coaches, and groaning, “I fucking hate this goddamn team.”
So you’re sitting between Raven and Octavia late one night, watching the Mets play the Padres, drinking beer, and shoveling pizza into your mouths, when an unexpected home run has Raven jumping to her feet and shouting, “I fucking love this goddamn team!” She does a dance and claps as the Mets celebrate their two run lead.
A soft knock at the door interrupts Raven high-fiving you and O repeatedly less than a minute later. You all exchange looks and you roll your eyes when Raven and O look at you expectantly. You stand up, take a swig of beer, and open the front door.
A stunning but half-asleep girl, about your age, is standing on your old, beat up Welcome mat. You figure she’s your neighbor, but you hardly see anyone else who lives in the apartment building, not to mention the number of people who move in and out throughout the year. Your assumed neighbor is in her pajamas—a Columbia grad school t-shirt, striped shorts, and some moccasin slippers—and her hair is a mix of brown waves and curls, tousled no doubt from struggling to sleep. Her grey-green eyes remind you to finish your painting of a storm at sea.
“Sorry,” you say quickly, then explain, “West Coast Mets game.”
The other girl just nods.
“We’ll keep it down. Sorry again,” you say, offering a small smile.
Your neighbor doesn’t reciprocate and just turns around to go back to her apartment. You feel guilty as you gently shut the door.
“Well, that’s one way to meet your new-ish neighbor,” Octavia says before drinking from her beer.
“It is two in the morning,” you say with a shrug.
“She’s been here for over a month. This shit-hole I call home is nicknamed the City that Never Sleeps for a reason,” Raven says, taking an aggressive bite from her slice of pizza. “Also the Mets are winning!” she adds as she chews, “That, like, never happens, so she should respect my devotion to this piece of shit team.”
You and O just roll your eyes, and you hope the pizza and beer will keep Raven busy enough and her mouth full to prevent further yelling.
//
The second time Lexa—you read her mailbox label—knocks at your door, you expect it.
You get home from a killer shift and Raven is scrolling through Hulu and the like for something to watch, so when you say you never saw John Wick 2, she immediately tells you to “sit your ass down and watch this shit.”
You can’t hear the dialogue over the crunching of the chips you’re sharing with Raven, so you keep turning up the volume. Raven gets up to use the bathroom as you watch the scene unfold.
Then his house explodes.
For a brief moment you think the apartment is too because the surround sound speakers Raven has set up shakes the floor and walls. You scramble to turn down the volume and manage to pause the movie.
Raven’s head immediately pops out from the bathroom to look at you with her mouth hanging open in slight horror. “Oh no…”
You look at the time. It’s 12:30AM. “Shit.”
You realize you’re holding your breath when you hear the light knocking ten seconds later.
“Hi,” you say, feeling stupid as you look at another form of tired Lexa. She’s got her glasses on this time and a Les Mis tee to accompany a different set of striped sleep shorts, but her hair is in the same state of lovely disarray as it was a week ago. Eyes still quiet storms.
“Could you just turn it down a bit?”
“Already did. Sorry. It was hard to hear the movie and then something blew up… on screen, I mean.” You question if you ever actually learned the English language or had a normal social interaction with an attractive person before. Whether bars, clubs, or even work, you can typically charm people’s pants off. Apparently in your own apartment, all it takes is a pretty girl with messy hair and full lips to throw you off whatever game you can manage.
“Thanks,” is all Lexa says in response.
After you close the door, you turn to a still shocked Raven with her mouth agape. “Okay, so that one was fair,” she admits.
“Is there a thin-apartment-walls setting for your sound system?”
//
The third time Lexa knocks at your door is the last straw.
You have the night off after a 45 hour work week, carrying 20-pound boxes of wine up and down the stairs, memorizing five new menu items and an entirely new cocktail menu. Do you love the restaurant industry? No. But you’re decent at it and it pays double what the YMCA paid you for children’s after-school art lessons.
You manage to crawl out of bed around two in the afternoon, and proceed to drink an entire Britta’s worth of water before refilling it and sticking it back in the fridge. You probably shouldn’t have had the last two (or five) shots you took last night after work with your coworkers.
You hear the familiar sound of Raven coming up the steps and her keys in the door as you plop yourself into the chair at the small table that separates the kitchen from the living room.
“You’re home early,” you say, Raven is helping her mechanical engineering company collaborate on a big project with MoMA, so she’s been working ten hour shifts, six days a week.
Raven, despite looking exhausted, lifts her fist above her head in victory. “And I have tomorrow off! I’m going out!”
You groan, and Raven just laughs. “I heard you stumble in last night, so it’s cool. I’m going out with O and Lincoln later. I have pot, and you look like you need a cannabis miracle.”
You smoke some of Raven’s weed, and while it does make you feel better, it doesn’t do much for the lethargy part of your hangover. You order delivery for the both of you and wait, sprawled out on the couch in the living room while Raven showers. You snap out of your daze when Janelle Monae’s voice starts to pour out the bluetooth speakers, and you let out a full belly laugh as Raven dramatically exits the bathroom into your line of sight, dressed in only a towel with another wrapped around her head, using her phone as a microphone.
“Live my life on birth control. I lost my mind on rock and roll,” Raven sings, spinning through the kitchen to the living room. She points at you as she continues to sing along and dance. You join her and turn up the volume at the chorus.
You’re both belting along, dancing all sexy despite the fact that Raven’s in a towel and you’re still in a baggy shirt and sweatpants. Raven takes a small hit from her bowl and passes it back to you.
You’re not sure how long she was knocking, but it took a set of louder-than-usual knocks for you to hear it. You look at Raven and briefly feel like you’re back in your college dorm together and resist the urge to chuck the bowl in your hand out the window.
“Really?” Raven mouths, gesturing at the clock reading 3PM.
“What do I do?” you ask. Yeah, you’re moderately stoned.
Raven turns the volume down a bit. “I don’t know, but I’m naked,” Raven says, trying to appear serious before snorting and running to her room to put on clothes.
“Fine, I can just go fuck myself, yeah?” you stage whisper after her.
“Heeeeeey,” you say, opening the door and leaning against the doorframe.
Lexa still looks tired but is wearing a nicer version of your own outfit—jogger sweats, a UMD tee, and some red TOMS she evidently shoved onto her feet without pulling the backs over her heels.
“Your music… It’s distracting me, and just… Could you just turn it down a little, please?” Lexa asks with a light sigh.
“Sure thing,” you reply, and, christ, give her a thumbs up.
You’re sure Lexa can smell the pot, but she doesn’t say anything. She just shuffles back to her apartment, and you close the door not-as-gently-as-usual before turning off the stereo.
Raven walks back into the living room, now fully clothed, and sits on the couch with a dramatic sigh. She grabs her bowl and takes a hit.
“Who, like, gets fucking mad about Janelle Monae? On a Friday? At 3PM?” you ask, taking the bowl Raven offers.
“Someone who hates fun,” Raven says, blowing smoke out her nose and mouth.
//
In the week following the last knocking incident, you decide you don’t like Lexa Woods, maybe even hate her and her stupid university sleep shirts and stormy eyes. Sure, she’s got her beautiful hair and maybe you’ve thought about how soft her lips probably are once or twice; none of that stops you from declaring her the Enemy of Fun.
You’re not sure what mood you’re in, but you are sure that you drank a lot of gin at O and Lincoln’s engagement party. Raven jokes that gin makes you aggressive, a really dumb “fight me” kind of aggressive.
“She can fucking knock all she wants,” you huff, sitting down on the couch to stop the room from spinning. “Like, what? Are we not allowed to have fun anymore?”
“I know, but let’s try not to have tonight be another night where she comes knocking.”
“I’ll tell her what’s what. Come on, fucking Janelle Monae?” you say, waving your arms in exasperation. “And why not? I fucking dare her to come over. I thought you hated her too?”
“I mean, I think she kind of sucks, but hate is a little dramatic. You’re also pretty confrontational right now, so I don’t want a knock tonight,” Raven says with a chuckle, and you realize she’s far more sober than you as she pours you a glass of water.
“I’d win in a fight.”
“Right.”
“I would.”
“Of course, Clarke.”
“I hate her.”
“Sure.”
//
next
#clexa au#clexa#fic: don't make me spell it out for you#that's long so#fic: dmm#or just#nn au#ccf fic#ccf#clexafic#clexa fanfic#ccf fanfiction#ny neighbors au
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QUESTION OF THE DAY #13: a) What was the first musical you ever loved, and b) What was the musical that got you invested in internet theatre culture? It’s okay if they’re the same.
MY ANSWER: a) Dreamgirls followed closely by Hairspray thanks to their movie adaptations, but as far as stage productions go How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying was the first one to really inspire me, b) probably Wicked
SUMMARY OF ANSWERS: so i realized that question a inspired a wide variety of answers, the most popular being Wicked, Hamilton, Les Mis, and Sound of Music. for question b, we had a lot of similar answers, the most popular being Hamilton (around 16/37). other popular ones for question b were Heathers, Les Mis and Wicked. that said, there was a wide variety of other shows too. read them all below the cut!
Anonymous said: Qotd: For the first question either wicked or be more chill (I was 13 and in a stem school with no theater program) and maybe heathers for internet culture.
Anonymous said: i think what got me into musicals would be matilda! my family went to west end while i was then completely clueless about what musicals were so watching matilda like. opened my eyes to musicals! though the first musical i really got into would probably be Hamilton? generic, i know but it was all people were talking about then and the fandom was considerably better back then so i got into it!
Anonymous said: Les mis. I saw the National tour and I fell in love with both the show and musical theatre in general. And Hamilton was what got me into the online community. I was bored and stumbled on it and got sucked in.
zoueriemandzijnopmars said: First musical I ever loved was the studio 100 Doornroosje (Sleeping Beauty in Dutch) musical, it was proshot and I had the dvd (the soundtrack is on Spotify btw). The musical that got me started to get me into internet musical culture was Hamilton.
Anonymous said: a) the first musical i loved was mama mia, and b) the musical that got me invested in internet theatre culture was les mis.
Anonymous said: I would say Wicked for both, but I think Hamilton also contributed significantly to getting me into internet theater culture!!
Anonymous said: first musical i loved was into the woods, but (surprise surprise) hamilton got me into internet theatre culture
vordemtodgefeit said: a) wicked was my gateway musical b) also wicked but I really only engage with a fraction of the fandom so, naturally, it’s les mis
thatbookshelf said: The first musical I was seriously obsessed with was a musical of a Dutch children's book series called 'Kleine Ezel' (Little Donkey) when I was about five years old. Exactly two years ago my friend got me into Hamilton which brought me into the musical theatre fandom.
swoopingsilver said: First Musical I loved: Jekyll and Hyde First musical that got me on the Internet: Dear Even Hansen
gaysnekchild said: The first musical I ever loved was Be More Chill, the musical that got me into musicals was Heather's
Anonymous said: If we're sticking to live theatre, the first musical I loved was Hamilton. If we're counting movie musicals, it was The Sound of Music by far. Hamilton was my gateway into internet theatre culture but Starkid, ITH and Hadestown are what got me stuck here.
galactic-greens said: Probably Mary Poppins, we had this dvd player that I'd take on road trips and just watch it over and over. But what really introduced me to broadway was Hamilton
a-terrible-pun said: question of the day: the sound of music was the first musical i loved, and les mis got me into the musical internet culture.
Anonymous said: Hamilton
Anonymous said: im not ashamed to say that hamilton was the first musical that i actually got into and got me interested in musical theatre, but there are some other ones like musical movies or something that i watched as a kid that i liked too
a-walking-meme said: I don't remember if the first musical I loved was Grease or Mamma Mia bc I used to watch those with my mom but the one that got me involved was Book Of Mormon ✨
Anonymous said: a) Grease b) Hamilton
Anonymous said: Hairspray was the first musical i’ve loved and wicked got me into internet Stan culture
elicardashyanpetermaximoff said: A) Heathers B) Rent
Anonymous said: I grew up watching Jacob and the Technicolor Dreamcoat and other movie musicals. However, I wasn't really aware of musical theatre until I was fourteen, and that was because of Les Mis. Les Mis made me fall in love with musical theatre, and I really began to understand and appreciate the art form. The musical that got me invested in fandom was Anastasia. I've loved this show since 2017, and I've met some of my dearest friends because of it.
Anonymous said: 1. Wizard of Oz 2. Be More Chill
sixthstringserenade said: The first musical I ever loved was Les Miserables. And the show that got me invested in theatre culture was either Avenue Q or POTO. Let’s just say Ramin Karimloo was my gateway-drug to theatre.
Anonymous said: a) Hamilton, b) Newsies
Anonymous said: The first musical I loved was les mis (it was my high school's musical my freshman year) but the first musical that really got me into musical theater culture was next to normal, which is still one of my favorites
sheepskinjacketclan said: i guess technically the first musical i loved was singin in the rain, since it was probably one of the first films i ever saw and its a classic in my family, but the first stage musical i ever loved and the thing that got me into musical theatre was Wicked when i was like 10. It sort of got me into internet theatre culture, if you count finding friends by commenting your obnoxious pre pubescent opinions on every wicked related youtube video in 2010 as internet culture.
Anonymous said: Wicked for both!
bwaycpunk said: To answer the Q: I ADORED 1776 when I was 10, but the prom musical is literally the reason I'm on Tumblr.
Anonymous said: The Wizard of Oz and the Sound of Music have always been my favorite movies/musicals since I was a little kid, but I think Hamilton or Heathers first got me involved in the online fandom...
pinkwelshdragon said: a) The Lion King in London was my first Broadway show, I saw it when I was very young so I don't remember much. b) I'd heard about Hamilton when it first came about, though I didn't listen to it since it wasn't interesting to me at the time. My friends convinced me to listen to it in 2018 and I fell in love with theatre. It was around the same time as when I was performing in my school's production of Beauty and the Beast, so that helped too.
broadwaybabe1000 said: Ok this is embarrassing but first show I loved is Elf because it was the first 1 I performed in and my first show that got me invested in internet theatre culture is Hamilton.
queenlmno said: So this first show was probably the Sound of Music movie, but first theater show was Newsies. Internet culture was either Newsies or Matilda.
squeak-and-pip said: Hamilton It’s a really basic answer I know
impastomuse said: A) Sunset Boulevard in 1996, and B) Hamilton
nightofheart said: Does the Sound of Music movie count as first musical loved? If not, Hamilton, and Hadestown for the second question :)
#qotd#not a quote#side note: never feel embarassed about what show got you into theatre! everyone is valid
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679
[Elementary School]
Do you still remember any dreams you had a a child?
Like, sleep-dreams? I still remember some of the nightmares. I forget the weird ones as soon as I wake up.
What was your favorite game to play back then?
10-20 served as my favorite for the longest time, but I did enjoy other games like PANTS (place, animal, name, thing, and the S stood for score lmao) and Twister.
How many best friends did you make through the years?
I only had one constant best friend who stuck with me through thick and thin. I wasn’t exactly the most sociable kid and I found it hard to make friends.
How many enemies?
A couple, but in my defense I only ever made enemies with kids who had a bit of an attitude and caused trouble for my nicer classmates. There was this one problematic kid that everyone had an issue with because of her rotten fucking attitude, but I think I was the only one brave enough to have beef with her (shoutout to the violence and fighting I saw in my own home). Our fights got big enough we ultimately got sent to the guidance office, hahaha. I also fought this kid who was a known bully, andddd I enjoyed making fun of one kid who was a notorious spoiled brat and would throw a tantrum when things weren’t going her way.
Did anything tragic happen to you when you were little?
Home stuff that are still burned into my brain, yeah. School was a little nice to me though, so it was always nice to be not in the house.
Did anything absolutely amazing happen?
I wouldn’t say my childhood was amazing. It was just... barely decent. I was provided the essentials by my family - I was fed, given vitamins, sent to school, but I missed out on all the other stuff that I needed for my development. No one ever spent time with me at home, my attention competed with five other kids’, both parents were absent, cigarettes were the first thing I smelled in the morning and brandy was the last thing I smelled at night. I was kept safe and alive lmao, but I wouldn’t call the whole thing a blast.
How was your relationship with your parents back then?
Weak. They barely had time for us so they made up for it by always buying us the toys, books, and DVDs we wanted. I appreciate the alternative effort but it also meant never getting to build a healthy, trusted relationship with them.
Did you believe in cooties?
No, that’s definitely not a thing here. I only learned about cooties from watching Fairly OddParents lmao.
Did you ever get a cootie shot?
What was your favorite snack to eat?
The cafeteria’s corndogs were SO so good, I was so bummed when they took it out. I was also introduced to kikiam by Sam, a close friend in Grade 1.
Did you own any pets during this time?
We had a few goldfish here and there, but my pet rabbit hung out for a while.
What was your personality like?
I was mostly shy. Wouldn’t budge, even if you approached me.
What was your favorite song[s]?
Idk, I didn’t have much of a music taste back then and just really vibed hard to the High School Musical and Camp Rock soundtracks hahahahaha.
What kind of toys did you like to play with?
I loved homemaker toys lmao. I was really into cash registers, and I’d also ask my mom to buy me makeup sets, kitchen sets, restaurant sets, cooking sets, and dollhouses whenever I see one I liked. But at the same time I grew up with boys, so I also enjoyed toy soldiers and Star Wars figurines.
[Middle School/Junior High]
How did your personality change from Elementary to Middle School?
It took a turn for the worse, really. The fact that I was pretty aloof and already struggled to make friends was paired by two factors: puberty (and the self-hatred and identity crisis that come with it) and the adjustment of moving to a new house. Needless to say I failed to adapt and I was lost and empty for a bit.
What was your favorite thing to do during this time?
I mostly watched wrestling as a means to cope with the loneliness. And it helped, a lot. That time is a blur to me now and I mostly forgot what else I had done to like, sustain myself lmao.
Who were some of your closest friends?
I had no friends and I sat alone for recess and lunch and walked by myself during dismissal.
How often did you get involved with Middle School drama?
Like, not at all. There was one rumor about me that managed to get out but literally no one cared about me to care about the rumor, so it fizzled out in like 5 seconds lmao.
What kind of "clique" were you in? Or did you not beleive in cliques?
We didn’t really have cliques, we just had friend groups everyone knew about. I was in none of them.
How did people treat you?
They mostly didn’t mind me. Like I didn’t cause trouble for anyone and never did anything bad – I just didn’t do anything. I was always quiet, a wallflower. I think nobody knew how to approach me, which I don’t blame them for. It was impossible to pry me open in those days.
Do you look back on these years fondly?
Did you hear how I just talked about that time? Lmao.
What was your typical kind of lunch during school?
This was around the time we just moved into our new house and my mom was adjusting as much as we were. Money was short as well so we had to contend with canned food, most of which I didn’t touch both because I didn’t like it and I was too depressed to eat. I practically starved my way through middle school, now that I think about it.
What school[s] did you go to?
I went to the same school for preschool, grade school, and high school.
Was it really as bad as some people say Junior High is?
I didn’t get junior high.
Did you like to read?
Yes. My favorites during this time were the Septimus Heap and Percy Jackson series. I also started reading Gone with the Wind thanks to Gab, and Les Mis because of the movie that had come out.
What was one good memory you have of this time?
Meeting Gabie. It made all the loneliness go away, and it was nice to finally have a friend who just talked to me and acknowledged and minded me.
Were you still enemies with someone from elementary school?
Yeah, this was around the time I cut ties for Marielle because she was a dick.
If you could go back and change one thing, what would you change?
I’d remove the depression, obviously.
[High School]
Are you still in High School?
Nope. I graduated exactly four years ago. Welp, it’s 1:59 AM so it’s technically four years and one day now.
Who were some of your close friends?
I was (FINALLY) in a friend group in high school – Angela, Sofie, Athenna, Fern, Kaira, and Chelsea were there. We also merged with a certain friend group from one of the all-boys schools – Dave, Aaron, Raf, Jez, Jedric, Hans, Luis, Rap, and sometimes MJ were in that group.
Who were some of your enemies?
Nah, no more enemies. I let myself FLOURISH during this time lmfaoooo.
How did your personality change from the previous years?
I was definitely happier. I had best friends, close friends, and was in a friend group; this was also the time I realized high school grades aren’t worth shit in the real world, so I stopped putting much pressure on myself to perform well, and to just let loose and enjoy my time in high school, because I wasn’t ever going to get those years back.
Going in, did you really think they were going to be the best four years ever?
I HAD to have hope in it, because grade school made me miserable enough. I kept thinking there was no way my rock bottom could get even rockier, so I was just weirdly, forcibly optimistic about it. If that makes sense.
Were they? [or are they if you're still in High School]
The latter half of high school was definitely some of the best times. I was still adjusting in freshman and sophomore year.
What's one memory of High School can you look back on and grin?
The day Zayn Malik left One Direction, all the Directioners in my batch met up at the corridor and started crying and hugging one another. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Did you ever cry while you were in school?
Yeah, mostly when I got failing marks.
How was your love life?
It did okay by the time I was in junior year, which is around the time it usually gets good for people in my school anyway.
How was your social life?
So much better. Gabie’s friendliness with everyone highkey helped me find my own rhythm in making friends, and soon enough I was talking to people.
Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely loved?
Sure.
Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely despised?
Yup.
How were/are your GPA?
We don’t have that here but my general average when I graduated high school was like a 93.
Did you know anyone who got pregnant?
No, no one got pregnant while in high school. I have batchmates who are moms now, though.
[There's no time like the present]
Do you currently have a job?
No, not yet. And honestly this coronavirus might stall me from getting a job just yet haha. I was so ready to apply by June or July but since the term might be extended to make up for the lost classes, I might not be able to follow that schedule anymore.
What kind of job do you *want* to have?
I’d like to be in PR. I did an internship in it and it was so fun and so much better than journ.
What do you like to do on your free time?
There’s a variety of stuff. I like eating out, spending time with my dog, going to the mall, going to museums, doing surveys, watching TV shows, watching on YouTube, reading articles.
What's your relationship with your parents now?
A little better, partly because I’ve found my own voice through the years and I’ve learned to take no shit from them – I was very submissive when I was a teenager, just to compare.
Do you own any pets?
Yes, my dog who has been with me for 12 years now.
How many places have you traveled to?
A buuuuuuuuuunch.
Do you own a cell phone? If so, what kind?
Yes, as do most of us these days haha. An iPhone.
What are your goals for the future?
Achieve a goal or two. Survive.
What's your favorite kind of drink?
Non-alcoholic: water. Alcoholic; Long island iced tea.
Did you ever get into the Twilight saga craze?
Yesssss. The craze started when I was in Grade 4 but I got into it in Grade 5.
What about the Harry Potter craze?
I was around when it happened but I never got into it.
Where is your mind at: The Past, the Present, the Future, or all around?
Mostly present, but I’d mull over the future too sometimes.
What's a really good movie you've seen recently?
I can’t tell you about movies, but I just finished BoJack Horseman which was a brilliant fucking piece of television.
Are you happy where you are right now?
I’m satisfied, but I can’t call myself happy yet.
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Smooth
Pairings: Chris Evans x Latina!Reader
Word Count: 1580
Warnings: Mentions of Death, Angst, Unrequited love, Fluff (Teeny Bit)
A/N: This is part of @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan Marvel Play list. I got Smooth by Santana featuring Rob Thomas. I don’t have a beta reader to look into this so sorry if it sucks. More announcements at the end (might be a part 2).
December 2018, Bronx, NY
“I don’t think I can do this.” you muttered to yourself, looking up at the ceiling.
It had been five days since your grandmother passed away and you were still in complete shock. You had only spoken to three days before. She had been in the hospital for about a week due to her heart condition, but she had been released and was doing a lot better according to her doctor. So when news of her passing reached you while you in the middle of production of the movie you were working on, you thought it was a joke.
You felt the foot of the bed dip, “Come on Y/N,” Your co-star and best friend Chris said softly, patting your thigh, “You have to go. At least be there for your dad.”
You took one of the extra pillows beside you and pulled it over your head, a small part of you hoping that all of this was a terrible nightmare. You heard him sigh and get up from the bed, “I’ll meet you in the lobby.” You heard his footsteps fade away before hearing the door to your hotel room close.
You laid in bed for a few more minutes before finally forcing yourself off the bed and walked into the bathroom.
Chris Evans was a sweetheart. He had been your best friend for almost eight years. You had just moved to Los Angeles when you had been casted as an extra in Captain America: The First Avenger. You were a nervous wreck but he helped you through it and you both had been each other’s person to lean on. However you had both been cast in a movie where you play each other’s love interest and it’s making you face certain feelings that you had been trying to repress for a long time.
After taking a quick shower, you quickly got dressed in all black and headed down to the lobby and met up with Chris. Leaving the hotel, you both drove 25 minutes into the South Bronx in silence. As you were nearing the funeral home, reality finally hit you. It wasn’t a nightmare. You felt yourself start to get agitated when suddenly, you felt a large hand cover your free hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, “It’s okay doll.” He gave you a small smile, “I got you.”
Walking inside the funeral home, you were met with family member that you haven’t seen in years. After greeting everyone, Chris and you made your way over to your mom who was sitting on one of the couches.
“Hola ma.” You called out to her.
She snapped her gaze from the ground and onto you, “Y/N!” she rushed over to you in a flash and pulled you into a tight embrace, her hot tears soaking your leather jacket.
“How’s dad?” you asked her in English, wiping some of the tears from your eyes.
“Esta mal.” She answered back to you in spanish, “El estuvo en el hospital con ella y se le murió en sus brazos.”
You closed your eyes in agony, “Oh no.”
Steve looked at you with a quizzical expression on his face, “What did she say?” He asked.
“My dad….was in the hospital that night.” your voice trembled in response, “She died in his arms.”
“Oh my god doll, I’m so sorry.” he pulled you into a hug, and surprisingly, it felt nice.
You pulled away from Chris, then turned to look at your mom, “Voy a buscar a mi papa. Tu te acuerdas de Chris verdad?” you asked as she nodded.
“Hola papi.” She gave Chris a warm smile, “How are you?” She asked in her thick spanish accent.
You excused yourself from them and made your way through the throng of people that surrounded you before finally finding your dad, standing by the doorway greeting the other guests.
“Hey dad.” you gave the man with graying hair a big hug.
“Took ya long enough kiddo.” He gave you a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
It broke your heart to see him in this position. “I’m so sorry I didn’t get here sooner.”
He shook his head, “You got here as fast as you could kiddo.”
The rest of the day was a blur. It was as if your mind and body were on autopilot. By the time you had gotten back to the hotel, it was almost 11:30.
“Can’t wait to get back to my hotel room and pass out.” Chris said as you both stepped out of the elevator.
You stretched out your legs “Same here. Being cooped up in a SUV all day sucks.”
He let out a chuckle, “Yeah, Tell me about it.”
You both stopped outside your hotel room. “Well this is me.” You announced nervously.
“Okay.” Chris answered simply, “I’ll see you tomorrow morning then.
“Okay.” You said as he turned on his heel and walked down the hall.
You pulled your key card from your pocket and scanned it against the lock but before you can turn the knob to let yourself in, Chris called out to you, “Y/N?”
“Yeah?”
“If you need anything doll, you know I’m next door.”
“Roger that, Cap.” You winked at him playfully and for a split second you thought you saw his cheeks flush pink.
Stepping out of the shower, Chris grabbed a fluffy white towel and wrapped it around his waist. He quickly dressed in a pair of sweatpants and a gray t-shirt and fell back on his bed, turning on the tv and flip through the channels until something came up and sparked his interest.
He looked over at the clock on the bedside table and saw it was almost midnight. He shut off the television and before hearing a tune that he hadn’t heard in a very long time.
“Man, it's a hot one Like seven inches from the midday sun I hear you whisper and the words melt everyone But you stay so cool”
He hummed along to the music until he heard your voice singing along to the song.
“My muñequita, my Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa You're my reason for reason, the step in my groove
And if you say this life ain't good enough I would give my world to lift you up I could change my life to better suit your mood Because you're so smooth And it's just like the ocean under the moon It's the same as the emotion that I get from you You got the kind of loving that can be so smooth Gimme your heart, make it real, or else forget about it”
He was surprised at how well your singing voice was. Chuckling to himself, he propped himself up against the wall and closed his eyes, humming along to the soothing sounds of Carlos Santana.
“Fuck.” you muttered to yourself as you stood outside Chris’ hotel room, running your fingers through your hair, “What am I doing here?”
You paced up and down the hall for a moment before finally building up the courage to knock on his door.
“I should go.” You muttered to yourself, when suddenly the door swung open and Chris walked out looking down at you.
“Y/N?” He asked groggily, making you weak in the knees, “What’s wrong?”
“I uh…” you looked down at your feet, “I can’t sleep.” You looked up at him and gave him a nervous smile, “Can I spend the night with you?”
“Of course doll.” He replied, stepping aside and letting you in.
“You still thinking about your grandma?” He asked as he walked passed you to the other side of the room where the mini fridge was and pulled out two small brown liquor bottles.
“Yeah.” you let out a sigh, thanking him as he handed you one of the bottles.
Unscrewing the caps, you both made a quick toast and downed the shot.
“Man that’s strong.” You grimaced at the taste of the whiskey.
You stayed up for hours, talking to Chris about the memories of the sweet little old lady that helped you pursue your dreams.
Before you knew it, it was 4:30 in the morning, “I should get going.” You slurred as you got up from the couch but fell back down immediately, “God, I’m so drunk.” you let out a laugh.
“Maybe you should lie down Y/N.” Chris suggested as he grabbed of the extra pillows and handed it to you.
You took it and tossed it aside, feeling brave as you got up from the couch and walked towards him.
“Maybe…” you trailed off, looking up at him with your best attempt at a sultry look, “You should kiss me.”
Before he could open his mouth, you wrapped your arms around his neck and crashed your lips against his.
At first he was shocked, but then he kissed you back, before immediately he pushed you away.
“No!” Chris said in shock.
“Oh my god.” You sobered up fast, all the color draining from your face, “Chris I am so sor-”
He cut you off, “You gotta go Y/N.”
You nodded and quickly made your way out of his hotel room and made it back into your hotel room, slamming the door behind you and slid down to the floor, “Smooth Y/N…” you chastising yourself for being capable of doing so stupid, “Real fuckin’ smooth.”
A/N: I am so sorry that I haven’t been on tumblr lately. I’ve been going through a massive writer’s block and depression. I want to dedicate this story to my grandmother who passed away last month. She was the sweetest little old lady and I miss her so much.
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Can the BBC’s Les Misérables do justice to Victor Hugo’s epic novel?
Few who love Les Mis the musical have read its source: a 1,500-page Victor Hugo novel. As the BBC tackles the book, David Bellos explains why it’s such a popular text to adapt.
The Sunday Times, December 16 2018, 12:01am
At dawn on June 19, 1815, in a muddy Belgian field where Napoleon has just lost his last battle, a scavenger filches the watch and purse of a dying soldier; a few weeks later, a long-term inmate of Toulon jail is released with a yellow passport and 109 francs. That’s where interlocking stories of Les Misérables begin, with Thénardier robbing the father of Marius, and Valjean setting off towards Digne.
If you think the magic of Les Mis comes mainly from the operatic version by Boublil and Schönberg, wait until you see the new adaptation by Andrew Davies, drawn from the book and not, like Tom Hooper’s 2012 film, from the musical, which leaves out most of Hugo’s novel’s story and doesn’t even mention the Battle of Waterloo. Davies’s script begins at the beginning, and the director, Tom Shankland, makes a truly memorable opener out of it.
Any adaptation of Les Misérables stands in a global tradition of spin-offs in every medium. In the cinema alone, there are about 70 full-length Misérables, in languages as varied as Russian, Farsi and Arabic. In Japan, there has been an independent strain of Mis-mania, expressed in manga and animé, for 100 years.
It’s not hard to see why Les Misérables is so much more attractive to dramatists than any other novel of the 19th century. Despite long passages of historical and philosophical discussion, Hugo’s saga of the poor has a simple narrative arc. It tells the redemptive life story of the former convict Valjean, from his release at Toulon to his death in Paris 20 years later. And, despite the sufferings that fill its pages, it is an optimistic story of how a man from the bottom of the pile may aspire to goodness and achieve it through persistence and sacrifice (plus the kind of luck that novels can invent). That’s dramatic enough.
Hugo was also a dramatist of genius. He created grand scenes ready for staging. The candlestick episode at Digne; the courtroom in Arras, where Valjean gives himself up to save an innocent man; the hold-up in Boulevard de l’Hôpital and Valjean’s escape from it; and the opening vision of a vulture-like thief robbing a dead man the morning after the greatest battle ever fought. Nearly all these great scenes feature a hero, part Hercules, part Christ, who defines himself through actions, not through thoughts and words. In fact, Valjean hardly says a word to himself, and not many to other people, either.
This leaves adapters and directors free to create their own image of this mythical figure. We’ve had a Valjean who looks like a tramp (the rough-hewn Harry Baur in Raymond Bernard’s 1934 film) and one who looks like a banker (in the Japanese TV serial), alongside handsome young men (Fredric March, Liam Neeson) and an action-movie star (Jean-Paul Belmondo) who had trouble pretending to be the right age. What we’ve not had is a Valjean who looks like Hugo: a short, broad-shouldered man in late middle age, in remarkably good physical shape. Despite being too tall, Dominic West, in this new TV version, comes closer than most. Les Misérables is not autobiographical (Hugo never went to prison, got buried alive or went down the sewers), but the writer’s moral self-identification with the suffering hero is one of the fundamental strengths of his book.
It was destined for the stage from the start. Even before the last volumes went on sale in July 1862, Charles Hugo, the writer’s son, began drafting a stage spectacular. A script doctor was hired to get it into shape for its premiere in Brussels in January 1863. It still flopped. But, published as a book, it influenced adaptations as to what to cut and keep.
The addition of music also has roots older than the West End musical version. Almost as soon as the first American translation of the novel appeared, a dramatist called Albert Cassedy dashed off Fantine, or The Fate of a Grisette, a popular opera with a score by Charles Koppitz. Music also plays an overlooked role in the novel: the tune Cosette practises on her piano- organ and the songs sung by schoolgirls in the Champs-Elysées, by convicts on tumbrils, by students in restaurants, hummed by a hunter in the woods and shouted out by an urchin on his way to the barricade, make up a concert programme of popular music in 19th-century France. It’s time to dust these off and perform them as the music Hugo had in his head.
Britain has had an unhappy relationship with Hugo’s epic tale because its authorised translation, by a retired military gentleman with his own views about what happened at Waterloo, was a complete disaster. For legal reasons, no new version could be brought out for decades thereafter. It didn’t help that the translation was available only in a costly hardback format.
Les Misérables reached its real audience in Britain through stage plays, and it’s amazing to see just how many there were: Charity, by CH Hazlewood, “founded on Victor Hugo’s story of Les Misérables”, was performed in London in November 1862; then came Jean Valjean, by Harry Seymour, Clarance Holt’s Out of Evil Cometh Good, in 1867, and many more. They concentrated heavily on Part I of Hugo’s five-part novel. The battle scene at Waterloo in Part II and the “revolutionary” stories of Parts IV and V seem to have been ignored most of the time.
In Russia, too, Tolstoy’s retelling of Les Misérables in simple language focused on Bishop Myriel’s charitable gift of silver to a rough customer. It was this fable-like episode, transposed into English by Norman McKinnel as The Bishop’s Candlesticks in 1908, that was turned into a silent short film by Herbert Brenon in 1913, which was then remade with a soundtrack in 1929. It never stopped, leaving Andrew Davies with a rich inheritance to renew — and to overturn. But he keeps one of the glitches that early translators made and that all Hollywood movie versions retain: he has Valjean steal the bishop’s silver cutlery, whereas in the novel he steals his silver plates (the French word “couvert” having changed its meaning).
One reason why Les Misérables has been remade in so many languages and periods is sex, or, more precisely, its total absence. It wasn’t prudery that kept Hugo off the topic. (He had plenty of experience, to put it politely.) But Les Misérables is about justice, social morality, crime, punishment, the meaning of history and the full potential of human life.
It’s true that old Gillenormand boasts of his past as a rake, but at 90 years of age, he’s long past acting out. It’s also true that Fantine becomes a prostitute — but Hugo deals with the episode in just seven words. Adaptations that put sex into the story express not what Hugo wrote about, but what some audiences are expected to find alluring.
On the other hand, a belief in the existence of a god is integral to the book’s meaning. Deeply sceptical of the Catholic church, Hugo omits Christian artefacts and rituals (including midnight Mass at Montfermeil and the church wedding of Cosette and Marius) to a degree that is almost comical in a panorama of 19th-century life, but he insisted that Les Misérables was a religious work. The prismatic glint of sunlight through foliage that Shankland deploys in the new BBC version, to show the start of Valjean’s conversion after robbing Petit-Gervais, seems to me an intelligent and respectful way of hinting at what Hugo meant.
One of the more puzzling aspects of Les Misérables and its flourishing international afterlife is its exclusive focus on France. There’s not a single foreigner among the 120 named characters in the novel; barring occasional remarks about London, Poland and the United States, Les Misérables talks exclusively about the history, politics, social structure and social ills of the country that Hugo considered to be top nation for all time, namely his own.
Though largely written in Guernsey and initially published in Belgium, the book was written for the French by a man whose long exile had no foreseeable end. Its first translator into Italian requested permission to cut historical passages because “there are some Italians, rather a lot in fact, who say: ‘This book, Les Misérables, is a French book. It is not about us. Let the French read it as history, let us read it as a novel.’”
Permission was refused. The intensity and completeness of this exposition of the social ills in 19th-century France effectively turned that now mythical place into a stand-in for the whole world. You can’t blame Hugo for not being in tune with 21st-century ideas of the politically correct, but you have to admire him for standing outside the conventions of his day.
His response to the translator has a prophetic sense, and answers in advance the question of why his French-focused masterpiece continues to attract readers, fans and adapters all over the world: “I do not know whether [my book] will be read by all, but I wrote it for everyone... Social problems go beyond borders. The sores of the human race, these running sores that cover the globe, don’t stop at red or blue lines drawn on the map. Wherever men are ignorant and desperate, wherever women sell themselves for bread, wherever children suffer for want of instruction or a warm hearth, Les Misérables knocks on the door and says, ‘Open up, I have come for you.’”
David Bellos is the author of The Novel of the Century: The Extraordinary Adventure of Les Misérables (Penguin £10.99). Les Misérables starts on BBC1 on Dec 30 at 9pm; Dominic West is interviewed in the Magazine next Sunday
‘The Glums’: a potted history
● The full text of Les Misérables in the right order of reading was not available to British readers until 2008, in a version by the Australian writer Julie Rose.
● In 1897, the Lumière brothers shot a one-minute reel of a quick-change artist masquerading as Hugo, Valjean, Thénardier, Marius and Javert. This was the first time fiction had ever appeared on celluloid film.
● Victor Hugo’s wife, Adèle, operated as publicity manager for the novel’s launch. She created a poster campaign featuring illustrations of the main characters, making the novel’s imminent appearance known long before its publication. Nothing like that had been done before. She also had announcements prepared for newspapers and requested that they were held back from publication until she gave the signal, making Les Misérables probably the first work launched under embargo.
● When Hugo was ready to publish Les Misérables in 1862, he secured the publishing deal of all time: in today’s terms, he was paid about £3m as an advance on a contract allowing the publisher Albert Lacroix to print the book for just eight years. Lacroix had to get a huge bank loan to finance the book.
● Charles Dickens met Hugo in Paris in 1847, visiting his splendid apartment on Place Royale. There is not a trace of the event in Hugo’s records, which suggests the British author didn’t make a strong impression on the literary star of his day. In Dickens’s eyes, though, Hugo looked “like the Genius he was”.
● Hugo’s contemporaries weren’t all taken with his novel: “This book is written for catholico-socialist shitheads and for the philosophico-evangelical ratpack,” Gustave Flaubert wrote to a friend.
● When Hugo fled France in 1851, both his sons were in prison and Louis-Napoléon — Napoléon III — was his sworn enemy. “Because we had Napoléon le Grand, do we have to have Napoléon le Petit?” he quipped.
● Les Misérables has been adapted for radio and cinema more times than any other novel.
● Classical literary French had a restricted vocabulary. Racine got by with about 2,000 words. Hugo uses about 20,000 different words in the 630,000 words of the text of Les Misérables — maybe as many as in all of Shakespeare working in English, which has a much larger vocabulary in the first place.
https://www.thetimes.co.uk/magazine/culture/can-the-bbcs-les-miserables-do-justice-to-victor-hugos-epic-novel-50wtqgvdj?t=ie
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Cannes 2019.
Doug Dillaman reports from the first few days at Cannes, where a polarizing Brazilian mystery draws inspiration from Directors’ Fortnight honoree John Carpenter.
Films receiving riotous mid-film applause. People walking out. Wildly unpredictable audience behavior is par for the course at the Cannes Film Festival, but at the premiere of Bacurau, Kleber Mendonça Filho and Juliano Dornelles’ rousingly assured and constantly surprising film, both happened at the same moment. That sums up the polarizing nature of the work. Fans of Aquarius will recognize aspects of Mendonça Filho’s extraordinary technique, to be sure, but may also be taken aback by the directions in which he goes.
A quick scan of our members at the fest confirms the confusion: “Doesn’t always work but is excitingly ambitious in what it packs into its runtime,” writes Andy Hazel. “A gloriously demented (and lightly psychedelic) Western,” enthuses David Ehrlich. “The experience was just unpleasant for me,” writes Victor Cannell, who left early.
Directors Juliano Dornelles and Kleber Mendonça Filho in Cannes. / Macri Roland/Shutterstock.com
It won’t be a surprise to those who have followed Mendonça Filho’s career, including his red-carpet protest of Brazil’s government at the 2016 Aquarius premiere in Cannes, that Bacurau—named after the small northern Brazilian town where the film unfolds—is a heavily political film. It arrived on the world stage amid controversy, as the government has demanded the return of money used to fund Mendonça Filho’s debut, O Som ao Redor (Neighboring Sounds). “It’s unprecedented in the history of filmmaking in Brazil, to return this money with interest. It makes no sense at all. We are fighting it with lawyers,” he says.
At the Cannes premiere, the cast and crew found themselves overwhelmed with emotion and caught crying by the cameras. At the following day’s press conference, Mendonça Filho elaborated: “There is this whole idea of destroying the arts in Brazil. It’s fucking amazing to have these Brazilian films here while they’re trying to hide the Brazilian cultural output. That’s one of the 57 reasons we were crying.”
Also shedding a tear was prolific German star Udo Kier, who spoke lovingly of the three weeks he spent filming in “paradise”, and the honor of sharing a scene with Sônia Braga, who he’d adored watching in Kiss of the Spider Woman. “Someone said to me last night ‘you made over 200 films’. But! 100 are bad. 50 you can enjoy with alcohol. And 50 are good.” (It’s safe to say Bacurau is in the latter category.)
Producer Emilie Lesclaux and actors Udo Kier and Bárbara Colen do press for ‘Bacurau’ in Cannes. / Macri Roland/Shutterstock.com
The Brazilian cast members were equally proud of the film, if not more so, given the voice it gave to their struggle. It would be a spoiler to tell you which character said it was an honor to die on screen, but Thomas Aquino, who plays a native of Bacurau, spoke plainly about the value of the film as a cultural object. “We use this movie as our weapon. This is our protest. This is how we fight. Doing culture, doing education.”
While the press conference focused on Bacurau’s cultural content, its cinematic roots are equally front and center. And no influence is more primary than horror directing legend John Carpenter, which Mendonça Filho and Dornelles make clear in the film, from a local school that bears the name of ‘Joao Carpenteiro’ to the bold use of one of the maestro’s recent tracks during a key night scene.
“I have no choice. I must make movies. It's a lifelong affair.”
John Carpenter stops for the cameras ahead of receiving the Carrosse d’Or at the 72nd Cannes Film Festival. / Regis Duvignau/Reuters
The respectability of John Carpenter—hurrah!—is official, a move that comes as a long overdue but pleasing development for the maestro. During the first days of Quinzaine des Realisteurs (Directors’ Fortnight), Carpenter received Le Carosse D’Or, an honorary award for his lifetime of work. He chose a screening of The Thing to mark the occasion, noting that at the time of its release, it bombed. “Even the fans hated it. So I thought it would be incredible revenge on them to screen it at Cannes.”
In an hour-long Q&A hosted by French directors Katell Quillévéré and Yann Gonzales, Carpenter delivered pearls of wisdom in humble, self-deprecating style. From making the titular Thing work on screen (“it’s just a pile of rubber in a room, you’ve got to make it scary”) to finding a crew (“you want to find people who are better than you”—the best advice of the fest so far) to underplaying his use of the Steadicam (“It’s a poor man’s dolly, you don’t have to set up tracks … I’m not an innovator. But if it makes me sound smarter, I will accept innovation.”), he happily gave the impression of someone who doesn’t overthink things.
This came through especially clearly in his description of his directing style: “I get the actors out of makeup, have them roughly walk through the scene, see where they’re going to stand through my viewfinder, and set up the shot. It takes about five minutes. All this has become instinctual over the years.”
Carpenter’s favorite part of making a film, though, is just before cameras roll: “The anticipation of making a movie is exciting, when you have the script and the funding … but then the hard work and pain comes. The most exciting thing is when it opens in theaters, and means I never have to think about it again.” While he doesn’t have a script ready to go, he did note that he “needs to do another alien invasion movie” and “would love to make a thriller in Europe”.
Fingers crossed. In the meantime, he eschews going to the cinema himself: “In America it can be an unpleasant experience. People use their phones … I’m afraid of what I would do to people if I experience that,” but keeps up with recent horror via screeners, noting that it’s inspiring to see how other directors approach a scene and what they choose to emphasize.
Roddy Piper as John Nada in ‘They Live’ (1988).
Inevitably in 2019, politics raised its head. Carpenter noted that he’d gotten into a blow-up online regarding 1988’s They Live, which had been mis-interpreted by Nazi apologists as being about Jews. “I made it clear that it wasn’t. It was about yuppies! And then they’re arguing with me about what my film means!” He lamented that America is in a bad state, but also noted that what really makes him despair are international tragedies like the gassing of children in Syria. When asked what gives him hope, his answer was simple. “Talking to people gives me hope. You’re here, you care about cinema, you care about something other than yourself.”
That said, there’s a limit to what he’d reveal: when a fan asked if he could say which of the two characters at the end of The Thing was the monster, he replied simply, “I know which of those two men it is, but I’m not going to tell you.”
Carpenter hasn’t directed a film since 2010’s The Ward, enjoying a “rock star” life of watching basketball and playing video games (most recently, Fallout ’76), but he still sees himself as a filmmaker. “I have no choice. I must make movies. It’s a lifelong affair.”
While we wait for Carpenter to make his return to screen, it’s worth catching up with the films he shared as his biggest influences.
Reporting by Doug Dillaman.
#john carpenter#the thing#horror#horror films#they live#halloween#bucarau#brazil cinema#brasil#mendonça filho#letterboxd
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