On some Japanese social issues I had learned about at uni and abroad):

(Rb ok!)

Legit had an epiphany about the true hidden meaning of the last arc of Mob Psycho 100. It’s hella projection but for real there is nothing neurotypical about Mob or Mob Psycho. I do not wish to enforce my interpretation on others (ironic bc I do that all the time but this is a serious social theory). There are some interesting and very sad social issues in Japan that the west really doesn’t understand but would I think help people understand a lot of context behind not only Mob Psycho, but also a lot of other anime. I learned this at my shitty university (prestigious but horrific) and while studying abroad in Japan and talking with Japanese peers. Get ready here we go (and tw for bullying and darker things):

Unfortunately in East Asian education systems, bullying can be extremely intense. Growing up I assumed it was over exaggerated extremely in anime for drama but it really can be so horrific. From what I’ve heard, there is often a single kid or so who is just shit on by everyone else, even the teacher. Mogami land *is* the reality of some Japanese kids. I’ve read that in Korea, this social punching bag sometimes is just the darkest skinned person (yayyy colorism /angry) and or someone who does not fit in. I mean, we have that in America too, but maybe not as common for the bullying to be as focused on one misfit rather than several. These kids just can’t escape the stigma too, kids from other schools find out they were a major victim at their old school and it starts anew. Thus there is so much stigma and incentive to join in on bullying so you aren’t the one. Sadly, this also ofc leads to higher suicide rates. That’s where the “shoe on building roof” anime trope comes in, bc somehow taking off shoes is relayed to death (I forgot why sorry)

There is a difference in how intense in general high school vs college is too. In the West, commonly college is the more intense curriculum and is harder than high school, but in Japan it’s usually the opposite. Grind suuuupppeeerrrr hard for entrance exams (huge standardized tests that determines what college you can qualify to) bc unlike the ACT or SAT here, that test is by far the most important factor for college admission. Then chill and relax a bit in college. Can’t relate. Name and prestige is very critical for job application, more important than here. That’s why planning out your future is sooo much more intense for Japanese high schoolers than in America, and why there is sooo much more pressure to excel in high school than here. Japanese school years and holidays are done different than ours, I’d suggest looking it up.

Social prestige of going to an American high school or college is nuts. Like whyyy do you value our shitty education, Japan’s is much higher quality (it’s bc we neo colonized them). Being able to speak English is very, very highly valued and any association with Americans make you cooler. From my experience, some Japanese students got very excited to practice speaking English with us, and their biggest issues with learning it is pronunciation, lmao. Wasai english is unique slang that is indeed English words but it’s kinda different and it’s kinda jarring to remember lol. So, Teru having parents that are working overseas isn’t too uncommon, idk about leaving him absolutely alone, but I did have a ex-friend who just came from Japan in middle school who’s situation probably wasn’t too far off from that. Empty wealth with no love, it’s no wonder those kind of people can end up being huge bullies (minori?)

I did a presentation on 引きこもり(hikikomori) for which means “shut in”, (like Serizawa) and it’s fucked up. It’s a social phenomena where according to some Japanese researchers a mix of undisciplined parenting, guilt/not living up to expectations, and hopelessness makes an alarming amount of youth/ young adults literally never go out side their house/room. Often a parent is “enabling” the behavior by supporting them, but idk the articles seemed a bit victim-blaming to me when I read it, but I don’t think I should make a judgement too hard, not my place. I will say I do suspect and believe I read something to support that ASD might play a role in hikikomoris (there is pitiful resources for autistic people in Asia, much much less support than even here, to the point I don’t think most know it exists). Like come on, with the other points I laid out my personal opinion as an Asian American with autism is that it really seems it’s unknowing ableism against autistic classmates, but I didn’t grow up in Asia so I don’t want to say.

Mental health in general is tragically quite abysmal in Japan, and with it being so hyper competitive and brutal work culture, it’s no surprise birth rate in Japan is so low; some Japanese young adults say it seems unethical to bring a life to such hostile world. Suicide rate is of the highest in the world. It’s fucked, I’ve interacted with some of the locals in Tokyo and they were so nice, but the business men just looked dead inside, it’s so sad.

Relationships between child and parent is also strained bc of this intense work and school culture. Quality time is too scarce when you gotta work so much. And the pressure from parents to do well in education or else you might end up socially stigmatized is rough. Bc your job is who you are, it’s hyper capitalism (thanks us for making them do this)

With autism being so unknown, support for parents in raising autistic kids is almost nonexistent. What happens if the “darker” side of ASD shows up in kids? I used to be a menace when I had meltdowns, I felt so bad but really just became so indiscriminately violent. See where this is going? Legit, I think ESP is a sort of metaphor for neurodivergance to ONE. There is so much stigma around it, and even less way for kids to understand why they are different than the others. My Korean family can’t admit we all got ASD, too much fear and internalized shame.

I got finally diagnosed with ASD as an adult and I’ll tell ya, I relate too much to Mob hurting Ritsu. I felt so bad, but also not in control, I knew what I was doing but not how to stop. Luckily, is was blessed in that my hyperfixations involved science and logic, so I did well at school. Sadly, our boy Mob just don’t got the passion or ability to do well at school. His kanji is very bad, even to point of not being confident he wrote a kanji (世) they learn when they are 9, in elementary school (thanks @katyatalks). Him being a bit berated by his parents for having bad grades and bending spoons seems harsh to Westerners I think, but IMO it’s pretty tame from what I’ve seen of some Asian parents (I get to say that lmao). Ofc, however the shaming is very real and Mob just agreeing with them about how weird and stupid he thinks he is so sad. There is even more pressure for the eldest to be better than here, I feel from some interactions. Nonetheless, it’s implied Mob is quite emotionally detached from his parents, even though he loves them, which also adds to his emotional complex. Combined with originally fragile self esteem and feelings of worthlessness, we got one emotionally stunted boy. However, contrary to common belief people with ASD are sometimes hyper empathic and experience emotions very intensely. We are prone to having “meltdowns” which if not assisted with can be quite violent if very intense. For me, my worse meltdowns as a kid came from when I didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting what I wanted, it seemed selfish and cruel of me but I couldn’t control it. I wanted to be a good kid, so why did hit my moms leg at target when she refused to buy me Pokémon toys? I couldn’t come up with a good reason for why my mind just commanded my body to do bad things, just a single thought was controlling me, I want I want I want I want I want ____. Which I argue could be what ???% represents… bc well…. Yeah….. hmm….. not in control of self (mob unconscious), selfish (not actually, I’ve forgave myself but my “normal” kid self was so ashamed), destructive, hurt family, wanting to stop but can’t, that’s kind of…. Too relatable.

But legit, since realizing my new HC, I’ve started to think of the last chapter of mp100 when I “explode” and it helps me feel better and I do gain “control” a bit easier. I don’t feel so bad anymore either, Mob!

For the people who are out there “fighting the good fight” and “trying to make fandom a better place,” I have two important questions for you:

1. Is the author dead? x

2. Is your baby in the bathwater? x

What do I mean by those things? Let’s start with #1. The Death of the Author is a type of literary criticism, the extreme cliff notes version of which is that art exists outside of the creator’s life, personal background, and even intentions. I’m using it slightly differently than Barthes intended, but that’s okay, because the author is dead and I’m interpreting his work through my own lens.

In fandom, the author is dead. In fact, the author was never alive in the first place, not really. The author has only ever been the idea of a person, because unlike published fiction, the only thing we know about a fanfic author is that which they choose to tell us about themselves.

Why is that important?

Because it might not be true. Hell, that happens in real life with published authors, who have SSN’s on file with their publishers, who pay taxes on the works they create and have researchable pasts. If the author of A Million Little Pieces could fake everything, why can’t I? Why can’t you? Why can’t the writer of your favorite fic in the whole wide world?

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: “you can only write about [sensitive subject] if [sensitive subject] has happened to you personally, otherwise you’re a disgusting monster that deserves to die!!” Or maybe “you can only write [x racial or ethnic group] characters if you’re [x racial or ethnic group] otherwise you’re racist/fetishizing/colonizing!”

You can play this game with any sensitive subject you can come up with. I’ve seen them all before, on a sliding scale of slightly chastising to literal death threats.

Now, I could tell you that I’m a white-passing Latina whose grandmother was an anchor baby. I could tell you that I speak only English because my family never taught me to speak Spanish, something which I’ve been told is common in the Cuban community, though I only know my own lived experience. I could tell you that I’m mostly neurotypical. I could tell you that I’m covered in surgical scars. I could tell you lots of things.

Are any of these true? Maybe! I could tell you that my brother has severe mental development problems, so uncommon that they’ve never been properly diagnosed, and that he will live the rest of his life in a group home with 24-hour care. Is that true? Am I allowed to write about families struggling with America’s piss-poor services for the handicapped now?

Am I allowed to write about being Cuban? After all, I did just say that I’m Cuban. But is it true? Can I instead write a character that’s Panamanian? Maybe I really am Panamanian, not Cuban. Maybe I’m both. Maybe I’m neither. Maybe I’m really French Canadian. Should we require people to post regular selfies? I can’t count the number of times I’ve had someone come up to me speaking Arabic, and I’ve been told that I look Syrian. What’s stopping me from making a blog that claims that I am Syrian? Can you even really tell someone’s race and ethnicity from a photo?

Am I allowed to write about being a teenager? Am I allowed to write about being a college student? Am I allowed to write about being an “adulty” adult? Can I write a character who’s 40? 50? 60? How old am I?

All of this is to say: you can’t base what someone is or is not “allowed” to write about on a background that may or may not be real. No matter how good your intentions. And I get it - this usually comes from a place of well-meaning. You’re trying to protect marginalized groups by stopping privileged people from trampling all over experiences that they haven’t suffered. I get that. It’s a very noble thought. But you can’t require a background check for every fic that you don’t like.

If you say “you can only write about rape if you’re a rape victim,” then one of three things will happen:

Real survivors will have to supply intimate details of their own violations to prevent harassment

Real survivors will refuse to engage and will then have to deal with death threats and people telling them to kill themselves for daring to write about their own experiences

People who aren’t survivors will say “yeah sure this happened to me” just to get people to shut up

Has that helped anyone? I mean really - anyone??

So now let’s get to point #2: is your baby in the bathwater?

If your intention is to protect marginalized people from being trampled upon, stop and assess if your boot is the one that’s now stamping on their face. Find your baby! Is your baby in the bathwater? Which is to say: find the goal that you’re advocating for. Now assess. Are you making the problem worse for the people you’re trying to protect? Does that rape victim really feel better, now that you’ve harassed and stalked them in the name of making rape victims feel safe?

Let’s say you read a fic that contains explicit sex between a 16 year old and a 17 year old. Is this okay? Would it be okay if the writer was 15? 16? 17? Should teenagers be barred from writing about their own lives, and should teenagers be banned from exploring sexuality in a fictional bubble, instead of hookup culture? Is it okay for a 20 year old to write about their experiences as a teenager? Is it okay for a 20 year old to write about being raped at a party as a teenager? Is it okay for a 30 year old? How about a 40 year old? Is it okay so long as it isn’t titillating? Is it okay if taking control of the narrative allows the writer to re-conceptualize their trauma as something they have control over? Is it okay if their therapist told them that writing is a safe creative outlet?

Is your author dead?

Is your baby in the bathwater?

Now let’s take a hardline approach: no fanfiction with characters who are under 18 years old. None. Is the 16 year old who really loves Harry Potter and wants to read/write about characters their own age better off? Should they be banned from writing? Should they be forced to exclusively read and write (adult) experiences that they haven’t lived? Will they write about teens anyway? Should they have to share it in secret? Should 16 year olds be ashamed of themselves? Should we just throw in with the evangelicals and say that the only answer is abstinence, both real and fictional?

Let’s say that no rape is allowed in fiction, at all. None. What happens to all the hurt/comfort fics where a character is raped and then receives the support and love that they deserve, slowly heal, and by the end have found themselves again? Are you helping rape victims by banning these stories? Are you helping rape victims by stripping their agency away, by telling them that their wants and their consent doesn’t matter?

Is your baby in the bathwater?

Fandom is currently being split in two: on one side, the people who want to make fandom a “safer” place by any means necessary, even if that means throwing out all of the marginalized groups they say they want to protect - and on the other, people who are saying “if you throw out that bathwater, you’re throwing the baby out too.”

The whole point of fandom is to be able to explore all kinds of ideas from the safety and comfort of a computer screen. You can read/write things that fascinate you, disgust you, titillate you, or make your heart feel warm. This is true of all fiction. People who want to read about rape and incest and extreme violence and torture can go pick up a copy of Game of Thrones from the bookstore whenever they want. Sanitizing fandom just means holding a community of people who are primarily not male, not straight, not cis, or some combination of those three, to higher and stricter standards than straight white cis male authors and creators all over the world.

There is nothing you can find on AO3 that you can’t find in a bookstore. Any teenager can go check out Lolita, or ASOIAF, or Flowers in the Attic, or Stephen King's It, or Speak, or hundreds of other books that have adult themes or gratuitous violence or graphic sex. The difference is that AO3 has warnings and tags and allows people to interact only with the types of work that they want to, and allows people to curate their experiences.

Are these themes eligible to be explored, but only in the setting of something produced/published? Books, movies, television, studio art, music - all of these fields have huge barriers to entry, and they’re largely controlled by wealthy cishet white men. Is it better to say that only those who have the right connections to “make it” in these industries should be allowed to explore violence or sexuality or any other so-called “adult” theme?

Does banning women from writing MLM erotica make fan culture a better place?

Does banning queer people from writing about queer experiences make fan culture a better place?

Is M/M fic okay, but only if the author is male? What if he’s a trans man? What if they’re NB? Who should get to draw those lines? Should TERFs get a vote? What if the author is a woman who feels more comfortable writing from a male character’s perspective because she’s grown up with male stories her whole life, or because she identifies more with male characters? What about all the trans men who discovered themselves, in part, by writing fanfiction, and realized that their desires to write male characters stemmed from something they hadn’t yet realized about themselves?

How can we ever be sure that the author is who they say they are?

Who is allowed to write these stories? How do we enforce it?

Is it better for none of these stories to ever exist at all?

Have you killed your author?

Have you thrown out your baby with the bathwater?

Hey! Feel free to ignore if this isn't something you feel like answering - or is something you've answered before - but I was wondering if you have any tips on writing smut. I've never written smut before, but the fic I'm writing now features it pretty heavily and I find myself totally at a loss. As someone who writes, imo, some of the best smut out there, I would love to hear your opinion.

so! I've been thinking on this ask a lot, and I think I've finally got some advice to give. of course, note that everything is subjective and I'm not an expert, but these are the things I consider when I go about writing my own smutty stories.

the most important thing I like to consider when I'm writing smut, and the thing that tends to make or break a story for me when I'm reading it, can be summed up as, "remember that you're still writing about characters first, and sex second." so what does that mean?

there's a trend I see a lot, both in fics and in published novels, where, once the sex scene starts up, it transitions from "a story about X and Z" to "a story about two people fucking." they could be any two people with any relationship, you could swap out the names and have a perfectly viable sex scene with an entirely different couple. the action is generic, perhaps under-explained, the dialogue is scarce to nonexistent, and this is where purple prose takes hold for a lot of people.

now, there's nothing wrong with a quiet, calm, generic sex scene, where you use flowery language, and things begin and end fairly quickly. but that's not my style, and, imo, tends to work better for stories where sex isn't meant to be the focus. if you want to write smut -- here defined as "a sex-focused story where the intent is to provide an arousing piece of media for someone to consume" -- then you'll need a little more than that.

alright, so how do you do that?

this is where that little soundbite of advice from above comes into play. don't think of your story as "background for the sex, then sex, then the ending." think of it all as one flowing thing, where your characters are interacting and influencing the narrative the entire time.

take their personalities into account. are they easygoing? uptight? prone to fits of laughter? adversarial? when they're together, do they work like a well-oiled machine, playing off of each other, or do they butt heads? do they respect each other? love each other? hate each other? is this their first time doing it, their sixth, their hundredth? how do they feel about sex outside of the bedroom? when’s the last time they masturbated, if they do that at all? do they watch porn? if so, what kind?

these are all the kinds of questions I like to ask myself when I'm thinking of writing a pornographic story. I'm not saying you have to know their whole backstory, sexual history, and kink roster, but it helps to keep those things in mind, the same way it helps to keep a character's past traumas in mind when writing new ones.

here's the tea: everyone has sex differently. there's no "normal" way to have sex. there's no standard for it (no matter how much the media would like you to believe that heterosexual sex in the missionary position while wordlessly staring into each other's eyes is the "default"). when you write smut, you shouldn't have to stick to the "standard" way that it's supposed to go.

you know the one: kissing, oral, one finger, two fingers, three fingers, penetration, orgasm. at worst, it's like reading an IKEA catalog. again, there's nothing inherently wrong with this order of events -- I've used it plenty of times myself! -- but it's not some formula that you have to use in order for your sex scene to be "correct."

during every step of the way, try to think about who you're writing about, and how they interact. imagine their banter, if they're the type. or maybe one of them shuts down during sex, goes into a wordless state of arousal, clams up and doesn't speak as much as they usually would, etc. maybe their partner notices and works harder to please them, or pauses to make sure they're alright, or they're so caught up in the moment that they don't even realize what's going on around them.

there are so many ways people can react during sex. and, it's important to note, someone's personality outside of the bedroom doesn't always necessarily translate to what they're like inside. the "geek in the streets, freak in the sheets" trope exists for a reason! sex is something that brings out a lot of emotions, floods your brain and your body with chemicals, makes you vulnerable in a way that you usually aren't. all of those things are going to have an effect on someone.

so, think about your characters: does that buff warrior-type stay dominant and aggressive in bed, taking charge, bossing their partner around, being physically domineering? or do they soften up for someone they like? maybe they put on an aggressive front, but when they're in the privacy of someone's bed, or when they're exposed and getting touched intimately by someone, they let the other person take control. likewise, is that shy, stuttering character going to go beet red at the sight of a pair of underwear, or do they come out of their shell when they're comfortable with someone, and show a side of themselves that would surprise the people who know them?

now, don't take all this to mean that you have to stick to a certain set of sexual preferences that "makes sense" for the character. I'm of the opinion that you can make almost anything make sense, particularly if the character in question isn't shown having sex in canon. real people are so varied in their sexualities, and their kinks, and their fetishes, and it's much more complex than just "big, strong man likes to top," or "girl who likes anime also watches tentacle hentai." we really don’t know what causes fetishes or kinks, so there’s no justification you have to put forth for why someone likes something. they could just like it.

take, for example, the debate a while back about whether Jason Todd tops or bottoms. I put forth an “argument” (I use that word loosely) that he's one of those people who plays up his aggression, but is actually a softie when it comes down to it. people on the other side say that he's a control freak who likes to stay that way in the bedroom, or that his aggressive vigilante personality would translate to his sexual encounters.

both of these interpretations are completely valid! the people who say he likes vanilla sex and maybe a little bondage are valid. the ones who (like me) write about him being a masochist getting whipped and pissed on are valid. the ones who say he's asexual are valid. everyone has their own view on what he'd be like sexually, and that's absolutely fine!

whatever your point of view may be, just try to keep it in mind when you write. get in that character's head. let them speak and move and stop and start and change up the script. let them get into an argument mid-fuck and stop to finish yelling, or go faster and rougher while they're banging. let one person say something that the other one takes the wrong way. let them have sex without enough lube, or with too much that grosses one partner out to the point where they can't stop thinking about the mess on the sheets. let them start off strong, then zone out, enter subspace or even domspace (which, while more rarely talked about, is still a thing).

and when in doubt, read! read fics you like. examine their structure, their length, the way they describe body parts and the way they move together. note which sentences made you the most excited, and try to figure out why. was it the vulgarity? the release of something the narrative had been building up to? did the author paint a vivid picture in your head, and what words did they use to do it?

another helpful idea: watch some porn (homemade porn is especially good for getting a more realistic idea of how people have sex). think about how you'd describe the people onscreen if you were writing about their encounter. do his nails dig into her skin, making soft indents in her thick hips? does he have to work his cock in slowly, and when he does, does his partner's breath stutter, does his voice get higher? when someone's licking their partner's pussy, do they focus on the clit, or lap at the labia, or tongue-fuck them? do they need to be told to do something differently, or does the couple already know their partner's body well enough to get them off with little communication?

the long and short of it: nobody has sex in a vacuum. porn doesn't need to follow a formula. everyone's going to have sex differently, be it from person to person or even from encounter to encounter. keep in mind who they are, where they are, what they were doing to get to this point, what they're thinking and feeling besides just the physical. when you inject that personality into your smut, it gives it a liveliness that makes it stand out amidst a sea of "fingers in hole, penis in hole, moaning, orgasm, end."

I hope this helped someone! and if anyone would like more info on anything, please do let me know. I may make a part 2 of this if there's enough interest/if I think of something else! :) thanks for reading!

Education and Science in the DID/OSDD-1 Community - A Titanic Rant

Why the fuck do people obsess over false dichotomy and often devastate themselves because of it? It seems like in the DID/OSDD-1 community (like in much of well..... civilization right now), people [on average] have totally lost the ability to be discriminating. No, not as in being prejudiced; as in being able to tell the difference between things. And on the other hand it’s also (somehow simultaneously) as though they cannot comprehend the concept of moderation/mediation-of-principles/equilibrium. Nothing [as presented or addressed by those holding the status quo of this community] can ever be dynamic, everything must be static, nothing can ever be complex or in motion or relevant only by its appropriate relationship with something else. And the second someone tries to embrace the ability to comprehend complexity-of-interrelated-information, to acknowledge that facts (be they scientific or about the emotional reality of your own trauma and experiences) are not ever something that can be correctly interpreted in small numbers -let alone in isolation from every other fact in creation.....

They are then told (by a terrifyingly staggeringly large number of people, most of them completely unsolicited, and some quite violently) that no one can have a monopoly on the truth, that everyone must define (but create, they mean CREATE, as though it is optional or they can get one from Build-a-Fact) the Truth for themselves. That the cost of possessing the ability as a human being of being the one to define, describe, and develop the qualities of your psyche is the Faustian deal to accept [and then proceed to act upon that acceptance] that every single other thing in existence can only be said to be real by mutual CONSENT. And they refuse to consent, so you better shut up and fuck off, or bow down and get in life-ending-LINE. This is insanity. This is what your abusers wanted to turn you into. Don’t fucking LET them.

We do NOT have the right to deliniate reality. Human beings have no right whatsoever to change the fabric of space-time [even just —maybe ESPECIALLY just— within the confines of what they will and will not acknowledge about it] whenever something is uncomfortable to them. It is NOT our “freedom of interpretation” that makes us unique. It is our perspective. Do you know what freedom of interpretation means [rather than inclination toward specializing in specific emphases]? It means “when we are wrong, because the tool [our minds] that goes about evaluating facts and rendering best hypotheses for the implications those facts have when taken as a bigger picture is unique, so are our mistakes.” Never EVER tell someone to be quiet because they speak a fact you do not like or have not heard yet or wish they hadn’t told you. Tell someone to be quiet only when they speak a postulation (as though it were a fact) that you have already tested and obtained results that strongly indicate its falsehood. Then explain to them what you learned. They will then be able to investigate it for themselves if they like, which if you are correct will yield similar results.

The mass-indoctrination of idea that the mental sciences are not just as concrete as any other is ridiculous and an attempt to do what people have ALWAYS done to the mentally ill— shut them up and write them off. Your emotions are chemically and electrically measurable as events and physical states in your brain. It is possible for a scientist to measure and diagram for you PRECISELY which parts of the activity of your brain indicate something about your humanity and which indicate something about your individuality as a specific human being. When science says “theory” it means “this may not be finished yet”, not “this might be totally wrong and we can’t know for sure, ever, no matter what, so feel free to ignore it when you want!”

•The theory of evolution is a theory and not a fact not because scientists have not obtained sufficient data to confirm or deny that evolution is occuring, or that its basic fundamental relationships are not readily testable and reliably consistent. It is still a theory because nobody has finished mapping it yet.

•The theory of gravity is a theory and not a fact not because scientists cannot confirm gravity exists and affects absolutely all matter according to a set of consistent [math] functions...... It’s a theory because despite having a quantity of data about the phenomenon sufficiently large to fall into the category of “larger than the human brain can calculate” [due to being able to, unlike for the process of evolution] make direct physical observation of it and its rules for affecting matter unassisted and in fact continue doing so nearly constantly throughout our physical existence]... nobody has yet figured out why the fuck it works, given what the rest of Physics is doing. But it does. Anytime you’re uncertain about that, just close your eyes and ask your body “are you sure gravity is real, and also non-subjective/unaffected in its definition by my perception or consideration of it?” It will give you a reliable answer.

•And finally structural dissociation is a theory and not a fact NOT because there might be some totally unrelated and undiscovered alternative explanation [“or even MANY! varying from person to person!” As some people love to suggest], NOT because nobody can know for sure how things work in the brain (no the mind is not separate from the brain, anymore than your life [the biological qualities-process-fact] can be said to exist independently of your body as a whole) and thus can only ever make guesses about shadows on a wall............... But just literally because the scientists that put it forth as their contribution to the body of knowledge known as the Definition of Humanity knew damn well that it’s not even remotely DONE YET. That there is so much more complexity it can grow to include the explanations for all of the nuances of.

If it is the key to the beginnings to a mathematics for the phenomenon of identity development [of identity itself, one day] in humanity then think of it this way: How dare you try to obstruct anybody else from believing they have a right to utilize it when it is offered— and what does it make you in the epic saga of the human quest for self-understanding, if you’re the one getting in the face the person who first offered humanity fire and threatening them with torment and exile if they complete their attempt to bestow it. Ask yourself too, what would have happened to the very notion of sanity itself if when the ancestors of Homo sapiens first began communicating their shared experiences, no one had been cooperative enough to create a standardized set of sounds-for-thoughts [which came to be called language]? Where would this planet be? Where would we be? .....Would we still be here? Would we ever have been here at all?

What if when the first people to ever describe who they were and what experiences of their life shaped them into that explained that there is this thing called emotion that despite our differences is a shared experience across our species...... people had told them that it was ridiculous, rude, or unfair or even evil to try to force people to admit that we all can experience the same emotions and that a given emotion can be said to exist and have definite qualities and consistently describable observable impacts. That you were persecuting and oppressing them by telling them it was unfair, deceptive, and harmful for them to use the word heartbreak when they meant resentment, or the word disappointment when they meant jealousy, or the words ‘deal with’ when they meant ‘agree never to deal with’, or the word love when they meant fear........

And then realize that that’s EXACTLY what gaslighting is. And stop. Fucking. Doing it. To anyone. EVER again. Even to yourselves.

-River (15)

Spring won’t be rushed, it will come when it comes, and winter still holds on with it’s icy fingers, keeping the air crisp and breezy, and with spring will bring the time when D3 leaves town.

I do look forward to bicycle rides on a hot summer day and meeting new people, once he leaves for good, which will happen I guess now in mid-May. I will be ok, I’ve folded that too into the narrative, and see the possibilities my loneliness will bring me. It won’t be easy at first, but it will force me out of my shell, has to, out of the in-between, and help me to find that metaphoric elixir once and for all.

I told him last night he was “The Fool”, the 0 card of the Tarot, the beginning. With nothing but a stick and the clothes on his back, sure of himself as he sets off on a new journey, this time back home to Sudbury, back home.

He agreed, and got my meaning right away, and so folded that nugget into his own story, of how this eviction will reset the narrative, take him home, after 40 years away.

Soon, very soon now, no more D3 right around the corner. No after work drinks, no evenings of history and beer, as John Prine spins out another tale on the turntable for us, with Sof curled up in a ball on the chair between us.

CONTENTS OF THE CLASSIC HEROES JOURNEY (Joseph Campbell)

* Ordinary World. where the Hero’s exists before his present story, oblivious … * Call To Adventure. … * Refusal Of The Call. … * Meeting The Mentor. … * Crossing The Threshold. … * Tests, Allies, Enemies. … * Approach To The Inmost Cave. … * Ordeal. … * Reward. … * The road back home. … * Resurrection. … * Return with the elixir. …

What I used to want, the partner, the love, the hazy dreams I’d dragged along with me since my divorce, was hogwash, and actually not my dream at all, as it turns out. Too ordinary. Perhaps a bonus, but not a necessity for happiness, actually more a hindrance.

As the story changed, the way I saw myself, the choices, and the places, all part and parcel, and all if not maybe fated, certainly though reality, I chose it, and how I respond to the results is up to me.

That’s the lesson. Free will.

A psychotherapist’s job is to work with patients to rewrite their stories in a more positive way. Through editing and reinterpreting his story with his therapist, the patient may come to realize that he is in control of his life and that some meaning can be gleaned from his hardships. A review of the scientific literature finds that this form of therapy is as effective as antidepressants or cognitive behavioral therapy. [ Ideas.Ted.com :: the two kinds of stories ]

We are free to choose, free to stay, to go, to respond angrily, with regret, with sorrow, alone, wallowing in our mistakes and missed opportunities. We can smile on a gray day, and laugh at bad jokes, and be grumpy all day, or cheery and annoying, so much so that people want to avoid you and your cheerful, smiley self. Even be all that even before noon… em…if you are going through menopause that is, otherwise I think they give you medication and shut you in a room with a stranger who asks you lots of questions.

Now, some time back I learned that you can get a first-class ticket, ride coach, or maybe choose to hitch a ride in an empty train car, just really depends on what price your willing to pay for the things you want, beyond what you need.

I’ve looked back and have seen the various narratives left dangling behind as I have rambled through the grand mess of life. Pieces kept, left aside, others forgot, all working towards this one story I’ve sculpted together from the pieces I’ve kept close to me. Crafting I guess my redemptive mythology.

And I’m not completely “arrived” yet. In fact, I imagine I won’t till I die, until such time the story is not complete, and no more “in the meantime“.

I have a friend who when she tells the story of her daughters birth it goes like this…” oh, my first apartment in the village, right there at the heart of it, on my own and fancy-free. And then I got pregnant and well then began those years with ‘Bob’, and all his drinking, and all the co-dependant claptrap he brought along, and am still working out from underneath“…or something along those lines.

So I asked her once, what was going on with you when she was born? Who were your friends? How did you end up pregnant?

Well, then she says that all her friends at the time were snorting and partying and that she would have probably nosed dived right into all that more deeply.

See, it is how she first relates her story that is wrong, not what she is, or who she has become.

In fact, as she said afterwards, her daughter probably saved her from a life as some junkie alcoholic, or dead, at the very least worn hard and put away wet.

And so I suggested she change the story, change where she puts her energies, change how she arranges her words.

Examine what you are, and how you got here, and what things shaped your path?

What forced you to stop, what forced you to start again? Whatever it is, or whatever thing, person, idea, passion, or otherwise that has created the person you are today, spin it.

Be blessed with it, see the gift of now, who you are, the things you have, and not all on the things you do not, the things you didn’t do, the horrible things you did do, and those bitter regrets, fold them differently, look at them differently.

I have very few regrets, and not because I’ve lived an exemplary life, but despite the shite I am thankful for all the stories those experiences gave me, the places I’ve been, the moments I captured with my camera, and the people I met, even those who robbed me blind and lied like a rug, such as Tim.

The article says of these stories…

Redemption and contamination stories are just two kinds of tales we spin. McAdams has found that beyond stories of redemption, people who believe their lives are meaningful tend to tell stories defined by growth, communion and agency. These stories allow individuals to craft a positive identity: they are in control of their lives, they are loved, they are progressing through life and whatever obstacles they have encountered have been redeemed by good outcomes. [ IBID ]

The story that friend tells contaminates her narrative. Oh, and the other thing is that she trots this story out always in response to my story when I say how thankful I am of living here, in the village, with the dog, at the heart of it. Sure, maybe poorer then I would have liked, but close enough to see it for what it is, as a success.

Thing is, I know that I wouldn’t even be here if not for all the shite, and the fact it reset my direction, pushed me off the direct course to bog-standard life I was on.

Now though, I was hurtling off somewhere new and strange, and a little dangerous. Wading through the lies, the addictions, and Tim’s final death. Afterwards, with the strange grief, the confusion, and the loneliness that came from a confused despair, and then to solitude, and contentment.

Somehow getting more from less, which still to me seems a strange truth.

And all the stories, and creating this blog, and all that and a bag of chips. Well, for good or ill, and here I am, home again these last 5 years, after 14 away.

That friend, she contaminates her story. I don’t. I sprinkle mine with fairy dust and a healthy dose of blessings found in the shrubbery, because of mistakes, heading off into the brambles, into the predator’s den, and back again.

I could just concentrate now on all the stuff I lost, the place I would be if I had never met him, the security, the good job, the road well-travelled, the friends I had, and I could see that other way, a piece of me desired it.

The opposite of a redemptive story is what McAdams calls a “contamination story,” in which people interpret their lives as going from good to bad. [ IBID ]

At the heart of me though is not one of the well-trodden ways, and that way would have killed me, sitting in some office chair in the Heartland that has no heart Mississauga, listening to some buyer, seller, retailer or another sort, thinking only of profits and useful loses. Wearing a suit of armour and a pretty smile, with vultures circling overhead hunting the rats that hid in the empty grasslands that surrounded that concrete and glass edifice of capitalism, reflecting back at me an unrelenting sun, as I gazed out the window awaiting my final release at the end of the day. And back to the place I had in the sky that overlooked the sprawling anthill of people scrunched up along the lakeshore, just the same as me, seeking out their own life within bigger or larger accommodations, living their own story, wondering if there could be more.

Living instead in a world that would eventually drown out every piece of my soul left that came to the clarion call of the wild, that got lost in the burbs, but never in the woods, camera in hand, eyes open for metaphor and simile to help me to define the world around me. All that part would have eventually grown weak, maybe even died, typing out one order after another, email after email, and rarely getting my fingernails dirty, and every day another piece would die and fall away, decayed.

“The city of London has the most concentration of these yellow brick homes. Like the Painted Ladies of San Francisco, these two-story, charming, pale yellow brick, Victorian-style homes trimmed in elaborate, yet sultry cream, wooden detail and characterized by the dramatic front arched stained glass windows dazzle admirers from far and wide.” see: http://www.ontariotable.com/follow-the-yellow-brick-road/

Today, instead, I have my pirate smile as I bicycle to work, feeling the breeze push me along home after a long day, and I do not rush, what is for me will not pass me by, and I have faith it that.

On The Way Back To The Yellow Bricks Spring won't be rushed, it will come when it comes, and winter still holds on with it's icy fingers, keeping the air crisp and breezy, and with spring will bring the time when D3 leaves town.

Startup Stories: Revolutionizing Driving AI with Netradyne

David Julian has quite the resume. Once an engineer at NASA—more specifically, a communication systems engineer—and signal specialist in the mobile phone division at Qualcomm, he now serves as the enthusiastic CTO of San Diego startup Netradyne. We were curious how Julian has navigated the tech startup world, so spent an hour parsing his inspiration, his strategy, and his vision for new technologies—most notably artificial intelligence (AI). He also offers budding tech entrepreneurs some sage advice as they launch in the sea of 2018 tech innovation.

Your personal experience in technology is deep, and for most people, too technical to understand fully. Can you boil down your resume into a digestible summary? 

In short, I create algorithms to solve hard problems—mostly by capturing raw signals and processing them into sophisticated output.

As a graduate student, I worked in the jet propulsion labs at NASA, an area primarily responsible for deep-space, unmanned missions. I also worked on the Galileo and Cassini missions to Jupiter and Saturn—mostly the communications of data sent from NASA stations back to earth.

From there, I got my PhD in information theory from Stanford. That discipline tentacled out into a lot of different fields, underscored by how you can collect information and use it for best possible outcomes. As a result, I’ve worked in video compression, communication, deep learning, and AI.

After getting my PhD, I went to work at Qualcomm, where I was involved in the mobile phone revolution. We were working on building sophisticated functions “under the hood” that made things simpler for the end user. It was all about creating a powerful, seamless experience.

It was at Qualcomm that you started considering new applications of AI and signal processing, right?

Yes. During my last years at Qualcomm, I spent a lot of time on deep-learning, looking at ways to automate the cell phone experience. But my colleagues and I also noticed that cameras were becoming ubiquitous and cheap—while also very powerful. So we asked ourselves how we could combine deep learning with powerful, accessible cameras.

That really spells out the genesis of Netradyne. What was the leap from that early ideation to actual problem-solving and company-building?

When we first started out, we were looking at a number of ways to combine AI and camera technology. We looked at drones for roof inspections, for example, and the possibilities of the same technologies at use in autonomous driving. But we felt that real use cases for cameras and AI in autonomous driving were probably 10-20 years out and would progress slowly. What we saw instead was that commercial driver safety was an area that really needed some immediate attention. The existing approaches were very manual—people in a command or call center watching videos recorded using rudimentary hard-stop and hard-start triggers. It was tedious and time-consuming, and productivity gains were clearly needed.

David Julian, CTO of Netradyne

The platform you created to solve that problem is called Driveri. How does it differ from the recording processes that was relatively standard in commercial driving fleets?

When we first started talking to fleet managers, it was clear that they were only capturing a few minutes here and there. We wanted to capture continuous video—both as a way to document safety issues more effectively, and to recognize drivers for good performance.

What did your competition look like at launch? 

Our competition consisted of two main companies—the ones who had created the technology around hard-start and hard-stop recording. But we didn’t see them as competition as much as we did a boon for Netradyne. They educated the industry about what cameras could do for commercial driving, which primed the market for our entry in 2015.

By the time we entered the market, many fleets realized they needed a better recording solution. While most managers were primarily interested in safety, we saw Driveri as a way to improve their retention as well. Not many people know this, but commercial fleets suffer from an 87% turnover rate so retention of good drivers is critical. With continuous recording, Driveri gave fleet managers the opportunity to reward high-performing safe drivers and keep them in the fleet.

All of this awareness was possible because of the two companies that came before us.

Let’s talk more about the AI component of Driveri. What exactly does this technology do, utilizing camera hardware?

First of all, let me say that AI is very broad. It encompasses both what we’re seeing in technology today and a lot of functionality that’s aspirational. We’re using it primarily for signal processing—taking raw signals, in our case video, and outputting processes that follow from an interpretation of those raw signals.

The AI—or algorithm—we’ve created is able to capture and recognize things like lanes, painted lines, car movement, environmental obstacles, and other impactful elements in a driver’s surroundings. But it can also tell when a driver is distracted or drowsy. That information can then be passed on to a command center where managers can take action.

What’s even more incredible is that the continuous recording allows the AI to recognize entire contexts for traffic decisions. For instance, a quick video that captures a commercial truck tailgating is likely to get a driver dinged for poor driving. But what a few minutes of video doesn’t capture is the car that cutoff that truck right before recording began—an indication that the driver was not at fault, but had to compensate in the moment for someone’s else’s bad driving decision.

You’ve used the term “deep learning” before as well. What does that mean?

Deep learning is akin to a brain’s neural network. It allows a platform, like Driveri, to improve its understanding of signals to a point that surpasses even human analysis. For example, standard programming could “teach” a platform to recognize one kind of car in one specific setting. But what about the effects of changing light or weather? Deep learning allows a platform to recognize a defined object even with hundreds of variables.

That’s impressive, but how do you “teach” a platform to do that?

You put a lot of images or video into the platform, after programming in a definition for the object you want it to identify. Then, you ask it to tell you which of the images or video scenes include that object. Initially, it will be correct maybe 15% or 20% of the time. But as you correct it, it learns to recognize the object in a variety of contexts.

One of the reasons we’re able to do this is because of the availability of data. There’s a lot of video from commercial fleets already available, and it’s growing every day. The more data we get, the smarter our algorithm becomes. Plus, it’s connected constantly to the cloud via cellular networks, so it’s continuously learning.

How do you determine a baseline for recognition before rolling a feature out to a fleet?

It depends. In many cases, we get to about 90-95% precision before we make new functionality live for our customers. Then, we ask for their feedback as they use it in their fleets. Eventually, we get that precision up to 99% or more—far better than any human being could do.

What about concerns around cybersecurity and data sharing?

We take that very seriously. All of our devices securely communicate with the cloud to ensure data is safe.

We have had to address privacy issues with our inward-facing cameras, however. In addition to cameras that record traffic and road conditions, Driveri also leverages internal cameras to watch drivers. But we make the collected video data as anonymous as possible, and we do have auto shut-off features for long-haul drivers who sleep in their cabs.

I spoke with leadership guru Kevin Kruse a while ago, and asked what challenges we would be facing in American business over the next 10 years. He called out AI as a particularly troubling development—primarily because it threatened to make human workers superfluous. Can you speak to that?

There will be implications along those lines. But in my mind, what we’re creating is AI functionality that automates mundane, tedious tasks that people don’t want to do—or can’t do as effectively as a platform that doesn’t get tired or distracted.

It’s important to note that Netradyne is absolutely pro-driver. Our technology is designed to give them the capabilities to improve their safety and make the commercial driver environment more comfortable and effective.

You’ve used the term “Industrial Internet of Things (IIoT)” in your description of Driveri. People are generally familiar with IoT in the form of home-linked speakers and thermostats and such, but how is IIoT playing out right now? Where can we see evidence of this?

There are a ton of industrial applications—temperature sensors and manufacturing sensors; robots on assembly lines; and parking meters are all examples of this kind of technology at play.

I have noticed that IoT suffers from competition. Companies like Google and Apple want to control your house entirely, so their technologies are intentionally incompatible; the hope is that you buy all Apple or all Google products to complete your IoT environment. Does IIoT suffer from the same pitfalls?

With industrial scale, there’s more planned deployment, so there’s more collaboration. We want to create a completely curated, seamless experience. Companies involved in IIoT know that, and are therefore more willing to collaborate on a solution for a customer.

Alright, you promised us some tips for tech and AI startups, so let’s dig into those. What wisdom would you offer 2018 tech entrepreneurs?

1. ​Get A-team players. All of our team members came to the table with a lot of experience and they fit together well—in all of the areas that are central to Netradyne’s mission. Without them, our work would not be possible. 2. Know the problem before you create a solution. Rather than jumping into creating right away, we talked to commercial fleets about the problems they were facing. There was no sense building a solution when we didn’t know what it should do. Many eager tech startups fall into the innovation trap—building a product first and forcing it into a solution. That never works. 3. As you experiment and test, be sure to be pragmatic in materials use. We initially got off-the-shelf components for solution-testing early on. It made it cost-effective and easy to experiment while we were still learning what worked and what didn’t. 4. Use your investment dollars wisely, especially when hiring your team. Netradyne hired a team that was split between the U.S. and India, which was less expensive than hiring a completely U.S.-based team. We also do a lot of multitasking; everyone here wears multiple hats. There’s an added benefit to this, too; everyone has a much wider view of company strategy and direction, instead of being tunnel-focused on a single problem. 5. Distribute information carefully, consistently, and clearly to the entire company. Not only do we have frequent meetings to discuss projects, but we are very clear about who should be involved in which phases of development. That ensures that the right people—and ONLY the right people—are involved in key decisions. 6. Automate wherever possible. For example, instead of paying five people to handle our billing, we invested in an enterprise level of SalesForce, which handles all of our order management, invoicing, and so on. This is shared across several dashboards (again, distributing information clearly) so that everyone who needs to know the status of our sales and finances does. 7. Invest in (good) PR. Especially in the tech world, it’s very easy for those on the front line to confuse the public—and potential customers—with too much jargon. Hire trusted PR teams to build lasting relationships in the right industries, especially where relationships and trust are key to closing sales. 8. Get the customer involved. There’s no better way to create an advocate for your brand, product, or platform than to give a customer the opportunity to weigh in on development and execution. Get their fingerprints on your work and they will not only be educated about how you develop, but will be more excited about your brand. Without a doubt, they will become willing advocates and spread the word about what you’re doing. 9. Intellectual property is important, so make sure it’s protected. File patents quickly, and make sure contracts with outside sources (i.e. tech collaborators) are set so you can iterate quickly. 10. Be patient. You’re going to trip and stumble. Celebrate the wins and learn from the losses. As quickly as tech is moving these days, it’s important to take your time and do things right. Keep your focus on what you want to improve and see value from the customer’s perspective. That’s the only way to build a product or a platform that will have lasting impact. 11. Be intentional about building company culture. This goes for any company, but tech startups are not all about the product. The people are what make your company successful. At Netradyne, we tried to keep this mind from the very first day. We intentionally created an open office environment to encourage collaboration; we implement fun days for relaxation and team interaction; and we promote continuing education by encouraging team members to attend conferences and share research in weekly roundtables.

Last, but certainly not least: What are you most proud of so far in your work at Netradyne?

I think there several things. Our mission to focus on the positive aspects of commercial driving has been rewarding. I’m happy to be serving that underserved population, especially since the retention issue is so big.

Also, I’m proud of the speed at which we’ve actually put together a world-class solution that spans different technologies, from AI to our cameras and cloud structure. It’s amazing how much our team has done in such a short time to create visible change.

For more information about the impactful work of Netradyne, visit netradyne.com. 

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