#like im not gonna unalive myself or anything
Text
on a little break because brain is not braining properly but i am being so brave about it
#simply put i am currently fighting the never ending urge to unalive myself LMAO#im not gonna do anything sksksksksksk#unless 🫣 jk jk#absolutely not going to be normal this was just to let y'all know why i haven't been responding on chat recently sksksksksk#ill still put tagged post in queue bc i love them#for organizational purposes#>>#vi.txt#say hello to new pinned post#changing the time on this post because for some reason i feel like i should????? idk
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
i am so stressed and relieved at the same time
#i think i have a really good chance of getting this job#so yay but also ahhhhh#i feel so unqualified like what if its too hard and im too dumb lol#there's all this equipment and computer stuff#and my degree gives a misleading impression of how much i actually learned about that stuff#which was basically what it is and does not how to run it <3#but hopefully i wont have to do that#but idk what i will have to do bc i have no practical experience#but what if its too hard or im bad at it 😭#i still really want this job tho#its the only thing in my field that sounds good ner me and it's literally a four minute drive from my house#like a nice quiet drive that i do all the time anyway#so im not stressed abt that at all and literally any other job the idea of driving there is the insurmountable barrier for me#bc im so stressed abt driving#because of the tism and also the vision problems#anyway 🙏🙏🙏🙏#serenity to accept the things i cannot change or whatever but if i dont get this job im gonna unalive myself#and if i do get it im gonna opt into a coma#this has been a shitpost#i would do anything to calm down rn
1 note
·
View note
Text
Hello.
I have not posted or reblog or whatever these things are called nowadays. Anyways, I bet no one reads this cus i just wanna give a life update to myself lmao.
I stopped visiting tumblr probably more than 5 years ago?? So around 2018 probably. Oh wow. Okay imma make a timeline then.
2018: I was with my ex boyfriend. Lets just call him A. Things started great then went downhill and i ignored all the red flags yadda yadda yadda typical young girl thats so positive im gonna end up with this guy. Well no. If i could turn back time, i would slap myself in the face and tell her to run. I actually cant remember much back then as im trying to forget everything 2020 and below. But what i did remember is how manipulative he is and a liar. But, i was in "love". I started my diploma this year and graduated already in 2019. We'll get to that year in a second. Anyways, he practically talked me into being with him rather than this really great dude i was dating before him and mind you he had a gf. In my defense, i didnt know as i said earlier, hes manipulative and a liar. The dude before him is from singapore and i was young and thought LDR wont work on me(boy i was wrong.) I needed the physical attention cus well, i was young.. But im glad i did met him physically cus we planned to meet in Johor and it was sweet. okay that got sidetracked but 2018 is like the 2nd year i was with A. During this year, it really went downhill. I started to fall into deep depression and my mental health was bad bad. Thats when i felt i wanted to unalive myself and hurt myself. and i did. the latter i mean. anyways he started working somewhere and i actually was sus about this bitch working there as well. Lets call her S for slut.
2019: Fast forward to 2019. This is the year i got a cyst on my left ovary. Due to reasons i rather not say but i will answer if by any chance someone read this and are curious so go ahead inbox me i guess. But definitely A was contributing to it. Whether directly or indirectly. So yeah, during that time it was bad. I lost my left ovary and i only have 1 now. How i found out you ask? (no one asked but) I had really unbearable pain on my abdominal area. The uterus area like non stop. I thought its the period cramps but i wasnt on my period that time at all. I found out a bit late so the cyst grew until 12cm and i saw it after the removal. Its the size of a baby's head! im not even exaggerating. Its really big. Anyways after the surgery, my family has been there for me. They're really the main reason why im still alive and well mentally and physically. That was in July. and i cant remember anything before that. so lets move on. Towards the end of the year, i found out that A was cheating on me. Not 1, but with 2 different girls. 1 is S and 1 is F. These random ass letters will get me confused but nvm. F is the ex gf. and the funny thing is, F was friends, best friends with S. LMAO. When i found out, the first thing i did was exposing him on my instagram sksk. I cant do anything and im not gonna stay quiet about it. so i just did that. and a lot of people came forward exposing more about him and S. So hes really active with S. Hes been going out, fucking her and F behind my back. and they both dont know about each other's situation btw until F saw my insta story and contacted me to meet up. and we did and i told her everything. all this time A was badmouthing me to his side pieces saying how much of a psycho i am, how i always beg him to stay (fuck no ew i always ask for break ups but he always have a way for words and actions). Like i said, hes manipulative and a liar. the fact he had the audacity to ask me to not stay mad for long as if im still gonna be part of this shitty hole. fuck no. i did confront S at that time and bro i really felt like i wanted to slap her face and drag her across the road but hey hes not that fucking worth it for me to do that. I complete left the whole fiasco and stayed friends with F lmao. shes cool. but sometimes dumb bcs she still stayed with him after everything. although that time A already went public with S he can still manipulated F somehow. A ended up marrying S tho. and side note, i gave A a fossil watch and it was fucking expensive. and he told F he bought it himself lmao. fucker. oh and he often take advantage on me asking me to pay for shit. he did pay sometimes but restaurants that are expensive, i paid. he paid for mamak, hawker stalls and what not lmao. So that ended. And i ended up celebrating new years alone and i fucking glad i did.
2020 -2021 July: So uuh covid came. And i met this dude on May 2020. How? me and my discord friends that i met during covid were planning to meet up and hes one of them who tags along. He just broke up with his ex gf 2-3 days ago that time. How he approached me, he kissed me creepily and suddenly while me and him was alone in a house i rented before covid during my degree. Now that i think back, it was creepy. He said "what if i attacked you right now". LIKE WTF? WHO SAYS THAT. Then he suddenly kissed me. i did not know how to de-escalated the situation. so i just let it slide. we just met for 2 hours btw. and he keeps on asking for a kiss afterwards too. on the way back from the outing, i have to send him back and he did not have a license btw. All the way back, he keeps on asking wanting to kiss me again (of course i said no) and hold my hand (this one i was ok with it although i was so uncomfortable). It was so creepy dude. I dont know if those things counts as assault or not cus i kinda just went along with it but i was uncomfy. Anyways, hes unhygienic, kinda narcissistic also have anger issues. Everytime we played games together, i cant enjoy shit bcs he keeps on tilting and screaming at randoms. (sometimes he tilts on me) I also have to pick him up and send him back after all of our dates. it was a mess. I learned the hard way after agreeing to date him. but during my relationship with him, im the fucked up one. i owned up to my mistakes and im not gonna leave this part out from this timeline. i cheated on him with some random dude. and i wont justify my actions. cheating is still cheating. he did gave me a second chance and i swear to god i did try my best to be better. i don't blame him for acting more suspicious of me and blaming me for everything. but it gets worse and i got tired. i honestly thought i should've just left instead of asking for a second chance. i realized the reason why i asked for a second chance is just to make up for it. bcs i felt bad. and that's not something i should've done. i should've just left and let him healed. trust me that came up a lot of times but seems like he doesn't want us to end either. so the unhappy and most depressing phase of our relationship got dragged until august 2021.
2021 August: I finally had the courage to end things with him for good. Bcs we both tried to move on from the incident but hes not doing well on his end. He still accused me of things that i didn't do. Question everything i did and yes i got tired. again i don't blame him but Its getting unhealthy and toxic for both of us. He keeps on saying he trusts me and i have become better but still act like we're back to square one. I called quits and he doesn't want to in the beginning. But then i had to lie telling him i have another person in my life. and that was his last straw. He screamed and yelled at me and just ended there like that. I felt bad but i cant stay again bcs i felt bad. Its not right.
2021 September - Present: These timelines are getting me confused ngl cus i really cant remember the exact time. anyways before i broke up with my previous bf, i was in another different circle of friends. I spent most of my time there while trying to escape him. i thought maybe if i distant myself its a lot more easier for me to leave and him to forget me. but yea during that time we actually fought a lot bcs of that. so after the break up i spent all of my time there. and i met this random singaporean dude. we spent all night talking and exchanging songs that we like and watching sitcoms. i remember our first show was The Good Place. Our discord server name is The Good Place where we hang a lot. (ldr things) and yes he knows about my past from A to Z. Basically everything i have wrote so far. We played valorant a lot tgt. I know i know, very short amount of time meeting someone new. but bro he hits different. its definitely the rush, the chasing, the butterflies. i haven't felt like that for a while and well, its bcs of my own fault too. i admit everything happens so fast like very fast. so we start really getting to know each other after dating which is weird and can lead to an easy break up especially we're doing long distance. but im not losing this dude. so i said, fuck it. he did say that he scared long distance would be hard but hes willing to try. i did it before and i want to be better. especially for a guy like him. 2 years has passed and today, 13th April 2023, we're still together and getting engage hopefully end of this year. Life has been great since i met him. Everything is different. he accepts me for who i am, we finish each other's dark humors/jokes. We facetime everyday and never get tired of seeing each other. He met my family and i met his. Although we ldr, we make it work. There's ups and down of course and mostly bcs of me lmao cus i self sabotage a lot liddat. but im working on it. and also, i suck at communicating. mostly bcs i usually keep things to myself during my past relationships. but that's what im working on right now and i hope im doing well. besides that, i am finally content and happy. Not a day goes by i never thought of him. I truly love him and i cant wait for what the future holds for us.
Thanks for reading guys. (im probably talking alone rn)
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm having a crisis. And im going to talk about wanting to die.
Know first that no matter how scary this post may be, I've moved past seriously attempting to unalive. I promise I have a support group, and this is not anything like that.
It is 5 a.m. when I started writing this. I woke up crying, and now im worried I'm gonna be having an existential crisis for the next few days til I can get my head on straight.
I. Am.... turning 24 in less than 3 months. And I am freaking the fuck out about it. I woke up with my ears ringing in pain, my joints aching, and my stomach and head killing me. Yes, I did it to myself, but that's not the point.
I realized, now that I am going to be.... living past my 'expiration date', that I have to live inside this body. And to live inside this body is painful.
Now that my life plans don't stop at 24, I don't know what to do.
For the longest time, it was: who cares if - - - -, I'll be dead at 24.
And now, that's not the case.
Now, I have people in my life who love me, and that would not survive hearing I died. I've never had that before, and I've never had people to live for before. It's terrifying.
This is both the best and the worst feeling in the world... to know that I get to live for them and that I'm not allowed to die.
Now that my plans include growing old, which is such a WEIRD fucking thought for me. I mean fuck, I've tried to die and begged for death for so many years. I can still feel the pain of my kidneys shutting down, and now I take daily vitamins to stay 'healthy'????
FUCK
No one ever talks about how FUCKING ODD life is after ';'
They just tell you.... fuck, they don't tell you. People have always avoided talking about this. They just talk about how 'greateful they are to be alive' and all the bullshit about how great life is!
And it is, but it's also, it is terrifying. I go to work and talk and smile to people in passing glances. I have a regular, schmegular life, and in the back of my mind when having a conversation about something so insignificant like "do you like pineapple on your pizza?" While I'm thinking about how I thought about walking into traffic that morning.
YES I DO LIKE PINEAPPLE ON MY PIZZA, AND I CAN EAT WHAT THE FUCK EVER I WANT NOW BECAUSE ME AND MY BODY DESERVE GOOD THINGS!
...I'm looking at all the scars on my body and... idk man, I don't hate them anymore, but I wish I had been kinder to myself. When I think about making new ones I just have some water and a granola bar instead.
Such a stupid fucking internal dialog too 'hey you wanna do something bad to your body?' "Nah, lets have a snack instead" lmao
And 90% of the time, it actually works!
I love my support group, and I know I stress them out. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to say they were loved. I mean, my friends are flying into town for my "congrats on beating your record for consecutive days alive" birthday party 😂 and ik its gonna make a lot of people uncomfortable, but its not for them. I like living for me.
Anyways... Now that my plans include growing old, I have to take care of my body. And I'm so fucking excited to grow old that I can't even express it in words. I get to live and watch my friends live. I can have a family and make it as big as I want, fill it with all the love and kindness the world never showed me. I want that. And I am so excited to experience the days as they come. I'm ready to be the kindness for others that no one was for me.
I still think about it all the time. And sometimes, it's really hard to push those thoughts away. Some days, it still feels like I'm drowning. Some days, I think how easy it'd have been if the thoughts had won.
And other days, I get to smile at strangers, or have a yummy drink, or feel the warm Sun on my skin in the cool autumn breeze, or eat sushi, or gossip with someone that loves me. Hell, even getting to write the damn stupid vampire fanfics is a good day for living, lol.
I am so excited to help other people live, too...
But also, fuck. Now I have to take care of myself??? It's not just "dang, i got tenitus?" *shrugs in suicide*
GAH
But also, yay. Lol.
Life is so fucking weird man. But it's good to be alive. 🩷
1 note
·
View note
Text
Personal Vent
.
.
.
.
.
I didnt think a long time friend would block me on tumblr or at all. I admit, i was a bit upset and just thought their cold response online was because they were busy playing video games atm.
i went to go share my new fic w/ them and found out they blocked me. So it was what i thought. They genuinely didnt care or was annoyed i guess. Im not gonna ask somebody to speak to them or wonder why they blocked me. Or think that this aquaintance was built on something nefarious.
But im just going to take it in stride and not worry too much about it. Im just glad they werent my only friend and that i didnt heavily depend on them. People acting funny nowadays anyway and life is too short. People are just willing to snuff the light out of people with good intentions, and some are jealous. Some fail to see the good in people that are different. Or theyre just fickle for any reason.
If i'm your friend, we may disagree on things or run in different circles, but im not going to be petty and block you. im petty with strangers i dont agree with or dont know. But no matter how much we disagree i'm not gonna be petty with you if i think youre a cool person. Though maybe this is a teaching moment.
Maybe this is telling me to be more kind and not block people??? But unless we were friends beforehand i wont block you. Im still not going to care too much because the world is too envious and fickle nowadays. If i only got like two online friends then ok. If they betray me then i know that i wasnt meant to befriend others in this life or world. And i guess thats ok.
I was told long ago that i had to accept that not everyone would like me. I was told in church that the world will reject me. So its a soul crushing admission to someone who always wanted friends and a best friend. But im ok if God and Jesus are my besties at this point. If thats how it is, then thats how it is.
But if anybody is nosy and read it up to now, cherish the people in your life online or irl. You never know how important that friendship is to them and how much theyre willing to put up with to be your friend. If theyre a ride or die like me that is forgiving as i am and looks past the negatives. Do not take that person for granted.
Stop taking friendships for granted in general. Because for years i thought i had to change for people. When it was never me who was the problem. A lot of people in my life didnt care and were too fickle. they were jealous. They refused to see me for who i was! And im tired of trying to prove myself to people who are selfish and only care about themselves.
crying! getting rsd because they refuse to text me back! putting up with what felt like abuse and neglect. Im freeing myself for forgiving those who have treated me less than. forgiving people who were jealous or didnt like how i shined my light. i never tried to commit unalive because of how people treated me and im still here watching this world go to crap because too many people pull the "woe is me" crap and only care about themselves.
too many people blame God but dont realize they perpetuate their own demise. they see anything with a semblance of good and assume its bad. Forgetting that i was even a proshipper at one point in my life. i was pro lgbtq+. i was all that s*** even a feminist! Yet when i switch teams and go my own path im bad for it!
If yall think im some horrible person for standing by what i believe even though ive always been first and foremost a lover! not a hater! Then some of you need to reevaluate yourselves and look in the mirror. I know im not perfect! I never was and neither were yall! At least im aware to admit that with my whole chest!
But like i said imma stop blaming people for my issues. Imma stop getting sad when i get rejected. Imma stop worrying why nobody will text me back. if yall fickle like that then maybe its a good thing you left. Maybe this was for both of us to move on. Ive lost alot over the years. i struggle. But im refusing to let anyone take my shine away from me. no more.
you never know loss or rejection until it happens to you. and too many of yall go around like your loner status is bulls*** and that you have more people in your life than you like to admit. or act as if you dont need people to talk to. Either youre very priveledged or miserable pretending to be ok. Especially (lemme just say it) if you dont have God or Jesus in your life.
You try to go for inclusion then ostracize people you have your own bias or prejudices against. Liars and hypocrites! Then i cant speak my mind because its wrong to believe something "my oppressors" believed. Its not the religion its the people! Its not the race its the people! When you take away politics, race, sexual orientation, disability, gender, etc. Its the person. Its the people who hate. The individual person. And hate isnt exclusive to people who oppress you. You and your community can hate too. You just dress it up as ✨️prejudice✨️ you cant fight fire w fire. You can put evil against evil!
Yet here i am. I'm willing to put all that aside. Im willing to get slapped, neglected, spat on, and abused to learn the true meaning of forgiveness and what it means to forgive. what it means to turn the other cheek and rise above hate and evil. Like after all after we die none of this trivial mess will matter at all. And if yall are sick of injustices, sick of how people treat each other, sick of the evil bulls***. Then why not rise above it and do better?
Also self reflection is a good thing. When you start wanting to live life with better principles and a better heart its always a good thing! and the best thing to learn from all this is that you'll never know if your friends are on opposing sides until you bring up stuff like politics and religion. Stop making that your identity and talk about your favorite shows and anime. gravitate to likeminded people. And learn to agree to disagree or walk away.
But with me im just built different. I'll befriend anyone until they talk about hate for something or blaspheming God. Even then im patient because im aware not everyone thinks like me. And im constantly misunderstood. Even though i could go for others who think like me, im willing to befriend people that dont agree with me and show them the most love. Some i wouldnt like to interact with but i'll still love from a distance.
Love is suppose to conquer all right? thats what its all about? So i'll do that. i'll love. i'll forgive even people who wrong me. I'll never stop trying to be the best version of me. this planet can suck an egg if it thinks im going to crumble and become bitter. im going to be that annoying positive person from now on. Because insurance companies dont care about getting me therapy and i still know a bit about cognitive behavioral therapy to know that with christianity it can work. By God it will.
Yall are not going to make me bitter and sad like yall. im sorry. I actually wanna live and go somewhere where im not suffering. And im not a masochist. I got too much to live for. Your feelings about me dont dictate me or my life.
i love you, i hope things work out for you, i wish the best for you. And take care of yourself! I hope someday you'll come to the realization i came to and treat people even the ones you hate. With love, compassion, and understanding. And i hope you'll find happiness and freedom from being the way you are now.
0 notes
Text
Things to know about me Tumblr #1 :
💜I only read ship fanfiction under "fem!reader" only because I'm afab. It depends on my mood to read "male!reader" content.
💜Im neither left nor right and I don't take stances on alot of things. I choose to be indifferent because at the end of the day it'll give me a headache and nothing will be accomplished. Plus I hate politics. Too much b*tchin' and not enough action.
💜"If you support xyz, block me" ok? Why would it matter if I did? Also I saw this alot on Twitter so don't expect me to follow along with any bs like that on here.
💜I like cane toads. Australia and Florida shut your mouth. dni if you don't like them. They are adorable!
💜I'm late to team cat but cat videos have been the best therapeutic thing I could ever watch during any sickness. Little meow meow kinda alright!
💜If I don't like something I'm just gonna block. No reasons. Just block. If you bringing bad vibes I'm blocking. Period.
💜Until I'm able to im not going to spend any money on commissions from other artist or writers. And no I will not turn my hobby into a profit. I'm good.
💜If I say something that ooc do not read too much into it. If I choose not to share, do not press me. All you will get is silence. Ty 🙏🏽
💜Green is a beautiful color. Especially emerald. I love it. If you don't, why is your life so sad? /lh
💜After spending years on Twitter I do not tolerate negativity of any kind. Sorry but I'll have to block that. Also lmk if I already posted something like this in the post.
💜✌🏽🙏🏽👍🏽 I am a poc. But that shouldn't matter. Im just like every other autistic person with mental issues out there. Sometimes I'll use the default yellow emojis cuz I'm lazy 😛
💜I like to write and draw mostly. Poems have been my thing now.
💜Also if you like anything that's a negative setback for me I'm going to assume you did it out of spite and I'll block you. Who likes post like "I spent a day in the hospital because people on the internet made me want to unalive myself" and thinks thats acceptable???? So if I post something like "the internet ruined my love for my one passion in life" there better be no likes. Especially if that's all you're going to like!
End of rant
💜I write fanfiction. It was mostly nsfw stuff but kinda took a break after an accident I had where I stayed in the hospital for two months. I also draw but since the internet DID ruin that hobby for me I probably won't post anything for a while :/
💜my music taste vary. Rn I'm into Eminem. He's just a vibe rn.
💜I've been having sleeping problems since I got back from the hospital. So if you see me up past 5 am... Hello :3
💜when you actually get to know me I'm pretty chill.
💜while looking into things like daoism and Buddhism it made me appreciate atla/tlok even more. Eastern culture is very beautiful!🙏🏽
💜I love people unconditionally like I love myself. Always.
💜I like cane toads and any frog or amphibian as pets. I don't like seeing them hung up as trophies or made for taxidermy. I will shut that down asap.
💜sometimes I message random people. But if I message you it's for a reason. Especially if it's a commission. Like I said I don't need any commission rn but just in case.
💜I'm also prone to make hella typos! Check my hashtags.
💜I go from ghetto speak, to proper, to old english, to vague all in one. Or manic. Manic is definitely one of those typing types I have but can I tell you how it looks or describe it idk. But I guess manic pixie naive positive speak is one way to describe it?
Ngl that's all I can think of now. I'll post more if I can think of anymore. Same with hashtags. I'll keep you posted.
0 notes
Text
People* have been asking me, “Giovanni, why do you post such unremarkable outfits?” “Why do you always erase your head?” “Why are you such a loser?”
And I will answer these much asked questions here today!
Im bored
Im afraid of the gov rounding up undesirables and killing us to purify the country
I don’t know how to be cool, no one’s showed me
I need an outlet and I can only do so much in therapy and I was an artist that had a decent following and since I stopped that I’m still wanting to share what I want to share and have some sort of creative outlet but without being ashamed of being too out there for people like my art has become
My mental health is declining and the world is going more to shit every day and I’m addicted to drugs which just amplifies the issues I’m facing and I know the moon isn’t talking to me but I hear it and it feels so real and there’s no an gear demon/angel that lives in an alternate dimension that I can hear in my thoughts sometimes but I know it’s not me so who and what is it? And I’d like be healthy and normal and happy but I’m fuckt because my parents beat me and I did too much acid and research chemicals. And I’m probably gonna unalive myself when my cat dies and I feel bad for my fiancé but I think she’s coming around to the reality she might be a widow one day and I think she understands my pain
And I want to be seen and heard and considered
And I wear the same clothes every day but i just wanted that to be accepted by someone because i haven’t done laundry in months
But I keep buying new shoes and new clothes because I’m afraid as soon as i do laundry I’m gonna lose all my favorite clothes
And it feels good to spend money even though I don’t have any or have any space for anything and there’s more important things to spend money on that I need and want
And I haven’t worked out in months and im shaped so awkwardly and I don’t fucking shower enough so my dandruff is bad and my skin is bad
I just want to feel like I’m doing okay and liked by someone because I’m very unlikable due to being blunt with people and always talking too fast and not knowing how to audibly communicate with people
And I’m fucking unemployable. I’d be jobless again if my mom didn’t own her own business because every job I get I get fired from eventually
And I can’t look people in the eyes because I’m paranoid they’ll see too much of my inner thoughts and I’m weak and stupid
And I’m just bullshitting my way through life
The only release I have is through stupid fucking posts on an website no one is on for barely anyone to see and pretend that I’m liked by someone for being me instead of this character i have to play in the offline world
So that’s the answer to your questions. A little FAQ post
[[*no one is asking me]]
1 note
·
View note
Text
I for the first time ever I deleted a post. I'm gonna make that a habit from here on. I'm trying to work on how I communicate when I'm upset annnnd I very clearly was not in the right space at that moment.
Though now that I'm out that daze I don't know how to pick up the pieces. I don't know why I quit but I did atp knowing full well I do not have the money for my uni debt installment.. I nonchalantly took 700 right after rhe fact planning on easing up to much much more in the hopes of escaping that whole situation
I got scared, didn't do the rest, discovered that our landlord was doing an inspection soon, and finally, used that as an excuse and pushed it off til then
And now?
Today is the day of. Well actually ig its the day after now. It's 1:50 am and Saturday atp lol. Dooms day was technically supposed to be on Fri
I've been feeling so trapped. I genuinely don't know what to do from here. Its so fucking stupid. If I could have pushed through for just a week or two longer half of this issue wouldn't even matter. But no. I got so frustrated I just quit on the spot and I was already being stupid before too. I just can't get over this fucking hurdle. I can't. It's like anything I don't want to do just turns into the bigger than it ever needs to be and it takes my all to just get through it. That shit is so draining
But my god like it's not draining enough to where I need to like whole ass unalive myself.. shit. Everytime I come out that daze I cringe at how overdramatic I sound. It's because of my giant problem with asking for help. It is HORRIBLE. The thought of telling anyone what I've been struggling with just sounds like an emotional mess
But everytime I think on it, it feels more and more like my only option is to hurt myself. I so desperately need psychiatric help but who has the money for that? If I don't hurt myself, it won't be considered urgent enough for them to get me help right away. Plus they'd get annoyed with my constant excuses. Not to say they wouldn't still be mad if I were to do something like that.. tho least they'd know it's different this time.
But on the other is it right for me to purposely weaponize my self inflicted suffering to get help right when I want it? Is it manipulative? Is it a necessary sacrifice? I've been wanting this for so long. If i could just keep my head on straight for long enough maybe I could fucking afford it myself.
That's what I hate about it. It's a two in one fuck up. I have $300 I'm somehow supposed to poof up by the end of the month. Tbh I have like $170 more I need to sort out too but it's not as urgent lol. But thennnn that whole sink hole issue plus me quitting.. AGAIN
I literally don't know what to do. I don't want to do it again. I fucking hate the taste, the feel, the everything. I relapsed out of pure desperation and i still was miserable. Worst two days of my life. I felt so pathetic
So now it makes it sting so much worse for that being all that I can think of. Ik I'd get help. But god.. do I have to feel that shit to get it? Do I really have to? What are my other options tho
Jesus. I am so ready to shut down and hopefully just stop breathing. I'm terrified of how bad I'm gonna hurt after I take them all. But I really don't see any other options. The thought of asking for help makes me sick. They're not gonna take it seriously. Ik they'd cheese along originally but they'll get annoyed and hate me. Plus what am I gonna do in December? I still have debt to pay then. That shit is still gon be due.. that's another $200 I need to 100% have or else im gonna fuck up everything. My mom's cosigned on my student loan I literally can't fuck it up.
I've been depersonalizing, dry heaving, and ofc boohooing about it all for so many days. I just want to shut down and not do anything anymore. I don't want to do anything atp. I just don't want to be stuck throwing up and dehydrated again. It feels so gross.
I want to talk to R about it. Disregarding all the extra shit we've been doing lately. Im putting all that bs aside for now. I know that she went through similar. That is it. I hope she's not too busy
#vent#dph addiction#as always i wrote ts over the span of a few hours so the time aint accurate atp. its now 1:43pm on the same day. just wanted to clarify#excessively long
0 notes
Text
Googling “derealization” hating what you find.
#pretty sure im losing it#literally looking into psychiatric care#like im not gonna unalive myself or anything#just sorta doing bad
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I was going to do a little doodle of my fictional child at 11 pm, yknow right before bed, so tell me why I made a mini comic, a two and a half? p decent sketch drawings AND I SEE THE SUN
#THIS WASNT SUPPOST TO HAPPEN CHIEF#my plans went from#im gonna go to sleep early!#to#i only met my child 7 hours ago but if anything were to happen to them i would unalive everybody in this room and then myself#LIKE IM NOT THE CHILD TYPE FAR FROM IT BUT AS I DOODLED I JUST FELL MORE AND MORE IN LOVE WITH THAT STUPID LITTLE MENACE AND NOW IM FUCKED#THAT CHILD IS THE EXCEPTION#hahas#self ship#yelling and screaming#THE WPRST PART WAS I DIDNT HAVE ON PRIOR#AS I WAS DRAWING I WAS MAKIN UP MY KIDS STORY AND DESIGN AND EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM#IDK WHY EVERYTHING WAS HAPPENING SO FLUIDLY AND EASILY#I JUST KEPT GOING#AND NOW I HAVE A KID#IM A FATHER#OH GOD OH MAN
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
why do i feel like shit constantly
#i mean i know its cause ive been failing all my classes for months and have been straight up nonstop lying to my parents faces about it#and i only have another week before the semester ends and grades come in and my lies blow up in my face and i m so scared for what theyre#gonna do and say#and i havent lied like this since like eighth grade when i was deeply suicidal and completely isolating myself#and my mental health has never been this bad before but im so scared to ask for help and i just dont know what to do#i dont actively wanna unalive but i really just cant fucking do this anymore#idek what happened i just am so fucking low and im constantly panicking bc of my lies and not being able to talk about whats going on#it feels like im watching someone destroy my life for me!!! like im watching through my eye holes as someone violently breaks shit#and im so scared and so anxious all the time and i thought i was getting better but every second is painful and no distraction works anymore#idk idk idk#pls dont reblog#sonny speaks#i know all i ever do is ask for advice but if anyone got this far some advice would be so lovely. ill take anything i just need guidance
1 note
·
View note
Text
.
#does anyone even read these anymore hakdkf#it’s just standard at this point#so i guess ill give you all a trigger warning if you continue to read#we all know im a sad bitch and it’s just annoying innit#i know that too#trust me no one tells me it as much as i do myself#but yeah the topic today?#uhhhh idk everything and anything at the same time?#i wanna die?#✨unalive✨#im not going to but the thoughts don’t fucking leave me do they#and it’s every fucking day#not one day can i go without it#maybe the rest of the day was good but BAM it’s evening and everything’s shit#i can count on one hand the amount of days this month ive gone without crying#but sureeeeee let’s give agnes a couple of weeks between her assessment sessions she’s not gonna kill herself no no no ofc not#just maybe realise that it’s kind of serious???? it’s not like it’s fun to live with and yall know that you stupid professionals#i will be fine in an hour but a good cry session is never wrong#and yes i do want attention im fucking sorry okay#it’s just hard being left alone with it sometimes idk#whatever i know you’re all tired of me so ill just go make a cup of tea and cry that’s a plannnnnn
1 note
·
View note
Text
really, really hate that i even have to make another post like this, i’ve been putting it off as long as i possibly can, but things are getting pretty dire again and i don’t really have a choice anymore so here we go again
basically, my mom and i are extremely broke and we’re barely staying afloat right now—i STILL haven’t been able to find a job despite looking literally every day and applying for everything that seems even remotely tolerable and won’t make me want to ✨unalive myself✨, so i’m still only getting what i get from unemployment. my mother nearly died in november from sepsis, she spent three weeks in the hospital, and after that was receiving multiple visits a week from extramural nurses since she was sent home with a picc line in her arm for meds. she’s well enough now that the picc line has been removed, but she can still barely walk (the infection that caused her sepsis originated in her foot—she’s severely diabetic, she’s already had a toe amputated because of this and nearly lost her whole foot this time) so working is out of the question, and she’s also relying on unemployment for income. neither of us are making anywhere near enough to completely cover our bills, though, we’ve both been forced to pay things late/put the absolute smallest amount of money possible on bills just so we can like, y’know, eat 🥴 because it’s winter, our power bill has been absolutely insane, like. as of the bill we got last month, it was nearly $1400, and i expect we’ll get a new bill sometime this week that will probably put it around $1600 at the very least (our power bills have been like $400 a month, and i’m pretty sure we only managed to put like $200 on it last time 💀). we are not the only people living in this house, which is why it’s so high, but we’re also the only people paying because the other people who live here are deadbeats, wastes of space, etc., not gonna get into that rn. our internet bill is also extremely high, high enough that i’m genuinely scared to check the exact amount, and i’m seriously shocked we haven’t been disconnected yet. on top of this, my mom and i both carry a lot of debt from loans/credit cards, so that eats up a shit ton of money every month that we just end up having to use again on groceries and other necessities literally because we can’t afford not to, so it’s a cycle that never ends 🥲
additionally, my unemployment runs out next month, so basically, if i haven’t found a job by then and have all the debt that i have right now, im ✨screwed✨ lmao. mom still has plenty of time left on her claim, thankfully, but if i don’t have any income we literally will not have any money to eat. i wish i was joking but i’m not. so i’m once again swallowing my pride to ask for help, because i don’t have any other choice—if anyone is able to help us out at all, we will be so beyond grateful. anything i receive will go toward our bills and to paying down some of the balances on my credit cards so that, if i’m unable to find a job before my unemployment runs out or soon after, i’ll at least be able to keep us fed.
i know this is tumblr and most of us are broke as hell, so please, please do not feel bad if you’re unable to donate anything—all i ask is that you reblog this to hopefully get some more eyes on it, because that’s super helpful in its own way.
i’m going to make a separate post with links to ways y’all can donate, since tumblr loves to hide posts that have links in them from search results 🙄 i’ll pin it so that no one has to go searching for it
thank you in advance, we’ll literally appreciate any help more than any of you know 🥺
#mutual aid#donation post#financial aid#financial hardship#financial assistance#signal boost#literally so fucking embarrassing that i have to keep doing this 🥲#but mentally this has been so fucking hard on my mom and i#im still waiting on my starbucks t4 but once that comes i’m going to get my taxes done and hopefully i’ll get a decent return#but i can’t bank on that happening. i need to have a contingency plan#shush sar
110 notes
·
View notes
Text
FUCKI I CANT POST ANYMORE SHIT ANYWAYS I LOVE YOU TIMBLR AND THE PEOPLE ON TUMBLR HAVE A GOOD REST OF UR DAY
SHIT IM ACTUALLY NOT GOING TO SURVIVE WITHOUT WRITING WEIRD THOUGHTS
Ahahahahaha im gonna have to rant on insta i hate life good bye
Better idea: type on this post and this post alone lets see how chaotic this gets
I am queercoding rn
IVE BEEN FEELING HUNGRY THE WHOLE DAY TODAY AND THE MOMENT I CAN EAT I DONT WANT TO WHAT KINDA FUCKERY IS THIS
actually sobs ive seen so much i want to reblog
I hate this godamn limit whatthefuck
Now people will go back to this random post and can’t see my posts popping up every two minutes
FUCK YEAH CASAVA CHIPS :D
My thoughts need to be documented even when i cant post on here
This used to be a post abt me talking abt killjng peoples dogs but who knows anymore
SOMEONE HMSSAVE ME AH
I HAVE A LOT OF ACCOUNTS THAT I NEED TO POST ON WHATTHEFUCK
SHIT THESE CASAVE CHIPS ARE SO GOOD
Bussing bussin frfr
I hate the people who made me not be able to type anything here today shie, apollo, ghoul im talking to you guys /j okay dw
Tempted to go bald and really embrace the mental illness
My mandarin caused havoc on like seven people today lmao
It got everywhere holy shit
Actually about to fucjing cry i hate nkt being able to post shit whathefuck its only been a day but WHY
Found out one of shed eerans songs is like the most famous song in the world and i actually want to end my life oml
Im going to play bsd mayoi to distract myself from this sad fate
AXTUALLY SOBBING TUMBLR CAN YOU STOP PLAYING AND JUST LET ME POST SHIT
FUCK YOU TUMBLE
just kidding haha only joking ily bbgorl
Phobic? You think im scared
Parents will be like don’t do drugs and then make you want to do them
Boutta die im talking abt liking hot evil dilfs what has my life gone to without tumblr
Physically pained
Mentally drained
JESUS CHRIST I NEED TO SNEEZE BUT I CANT I ACTUALLY HATE THIS
Gender? Isn’t that a spice?
ACTUALLY FML MY COMPUTER IS 12% IM GOING TO CRY AL MY CLASEES REQUIRE A COMPUTER TODSAY FUYCKM
yet another day with a substitute who hates my guts for no reason (she has a reason)
im probably going to go home i feel actually so sick rn
WHATTHEFUCK I JUST SAW A MEME MY TEACHER SHOWED US IN IT WAS SHAKESPEAR GOING “i put the lit in literature” THATS IT IM JUMOING OUT THE WINDOW
art = are
dost = do
doth = does
'ere = before
hast = have
'tis = it is
'twas = it was
wast = were
whence = from where
wherefore = why
nay = no
twas over yonder
LMAO FUCK TOU SCHOOL I’M LEAVING
OUT OF THAT HELL HOLE :D
Actually so happy i don’t need to do science now fuck yeah
GAH I FEEL LIKE SHIT LMAO
Im pretty sure everyone thinks im skipping fuck you guys im not
THE CICADAS ARE STILL HERE FUCK
I hate the invention of long hair we should all just cut off our hair my ling hair sucks
Stopped to say hi to the ants :D
What a great lifw we would have if we were all just… orbs floating through space
Now is not a good time to be walking on a bridge over a highway
We made it off the bridge without commiting ded :D
I hate walking slow holy shit
Time to go die in my bed because i can’t really post on here anymore and that makes me sad and want to die
IHATEYOUIHATEYOU GO DIE IN A HOLE
AHIT AHIT SHIT AHIT SHIR MMY PARENTS WANT TO WATCH BUNGOU STRAY DOGS HOLU SHIT THEY WILL ACTUALLY HATE IT AND ME AND EVERYTHING AND MAKE ME SELL ALL MY MERCH HOMY SHIT IM ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE WHATTHEFUCK SOMEONE HELP
I need another post for that but tumblr is a bitch
ACTUALLY FUCK I SLEPT FOR LIKE FOUR HOURS I WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING STUDY FOR TEO TESTS HOLY SHIT AHHHHHH WHATTHEFUCK SOMEENE AHHH NI U HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO POST HERE WHATTEHECUKDS
I WOKE UP AND I ACTUALLY FEEL SO SHIT LIKE I FEEL LIKE NOTHING MATTERS AND THERES NO POINT IN LIVING SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS HEADSPACE
BRO THE ONLY THING THATS BEEN KEEPING ME GOING TODAY IS WAITING TILL 12 AM SO I CAN FUCKING POST SHIT I JAT THIS APP
I ALSO CANT EVEN FUCKING MAKE DRAFTS AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO UNALIVE
dont mind those last posts, anyways three more hours until you guys get mass chaos :D goodbye for now and i’ll see you when i can actually fuckin post
44 notes
·
View notes
Note
That's right I'm saurr slayful🤪🤪🤪 and yeah!! It started on the 17th(?) of Feb. But everything is online and I haven't even been on campus ONCE YET💀I'm tok scared to go and since it's not compulsory for me I'll just keep chilling at home until the time comes✌️
Technically I am in the humanities faculty because I do English and linguistics (I did philosophy last year and it was ass,, -516161711/10 do not recommend😒) Psychology is in the community health sciences faculty but they allow people from humanities to take it too!! It's really interesting!!
And omg same!! But for me it's kind of like,, "oooh I have this super great amazing idea in my head but I can't for the life of me write it the way I want to" and then I just don't write it lol💀
And yes yes yes I'd be so honoured to tag you even though I think you're amazing and I'm lowkey scared you're gonna hate my writinv BUT I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU🤩🤩🤩 it's also my first time doing a written series so I'm really nervous. I'll probably only start posting it next month tho,, cause I've got an smau going on and even though I have an update schedule I don't stick to it and now I'm behind🙂
OOFT THATS SO ROUGHHHHH BUT NO THATS EXACTLY RIGHT COS WHY WOULD U DO ANYTHING THAT ISN'T COMPULSORY 🥴 JUST UHH WATCH THE RECORDING KSJDJDSJ
OHHHHHH oh my gosh yes yes yes pls the humanities are so so cool??? pls ive always thought philosophy was cool but like SURELY only from a distance.... cos if i ever have to take a philosophy course im convinced i would literally hate it so much BAHAHAHHAHA AND OOOHHH yes psychology is so cool ;-;
RIGHTTTT YES SYES EXACTLY??? OH MY GODDD i always come up w sm plot ideas but the thought of having to execute them makes me wanna unalive myself bc i really cannot be fucked ;-; writing is so so so draining i swear T_T
NAURRRR WHATTTT ID BE SO HONOURED TO BE UR TL 🥺 omg idrk what im doing w writing these days tbh im in my flop era istg SKJDFJSD BUT I FIND THAT reading other peoples work always gets me so inspired??? hehehe aND YASSS A WRITTEN SERIESSSS OH GODDDD i notice a lot of ppl on tumblr don't really read/write written series as much anymore so ;-; super excited for u hehe YOU GOT THIS?! IM SO EXCITEDDDDD i hope u can spare the time to write in between uni and stuff tho 😔 ik ur schedule be packing so make sure to take care of urself omg 😭
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
tw implied/referenced suicidal thoughts
im not gonna like, actively do anything, but im sitting right on the edge of wanting to unalive and have been for a few days or weeks or months and on the one hand i think it might be a good idea to log off for a bit bc it is a struggle to respond to things (asks, comments, tag games etc) and that makes me feel guilty bc i want to respond i just don't have the energy sometimes, and also any form of negativity is hitting me harder than it usually does
but on the other hand i'm concerned that it's just going to be isolating myself even more, and i find a lot of comfort in this little community and seeing everyone interact and create and it's a small reprieve i get from my own head and i don't really wanna lose that and just - life is hard, and i don't quite know what to do?
i appreciate all of you though, for sharing my art and being so lovely all the time.
it's just getting very hard to stay positive and try and keep most of my gloominess inside my head instead of all over my blog yknow? i'm running out of jokes to make about it.
#i dont quite know where this was going#it took me an hour to wash the dishes this afternoon bc i spent half of the time sitting on the floor with my forehead on the cupboard#wanting to cry lmao and then i went and laid in bed and mum had to bring me dinner bc i couldn't get out of bed#i don't really know how to approach this with anyone either lmao#bc my best friends can only do so much from so far away yknow? like i just want a hug that none of them can provide#which isn't their fault it's just the downside to internet friendships#and i could go up to mum and say 'hey i kinda want to kill myself but im not going to' bc the last time i did she just sighed#but**#i wouldn't actually Log Off bc i use tumblr to talk to one of my Important Friends and my phone doesnt work#but i'd probably cut back a lot of my time#i just dont know what to do bc ive tried counselling and it was just frustrating bc talking doesnt help me#explaining /why/ im sad or anxious doesnt stop me from being sad or anxious#as proved by the anxiety attack that made me stop going to counselling#i just.#dont know what to do.#im tired#again: not actually going to do anything#it's just exhausting#tw suicide#tw suicidal thoughts#not atla#captain speaks#might delete in the morning when im no longer feeling like my chest has been cracked open
14 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
ant111fragile
yoona
disenodeinteracion
María Sánchez
mindboogling
Boogle.com : The Search Engine For Ghosts
psychoterapiacotam
Psychoterapiacotam