#like god damn all im asking for is a little BASIC effort from the author and they all think thats me asking for her head on a platter | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stevethehairington · 6 months

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really fucking sick and tired of people who really fucking love the eddie book jumping on people who don't like or are even remotely critical of it's posts and like crusading their opinions around from the top of their high horses and shoving it down our throats.

if you like the book, great! that's awesome! love that for you! i am genuinely glad that you were able to find good in it and enjoy it!!

but not everyone did, and not everyone is going to agree with you. so, instead of going on some grand crusade where you find every single post that includes anything even remotely negative or negative adjacent or even neutrally critical and spending ALL this time and effort trying to provide unwanted rebuttals to every single thing, maybe you should just stay in your lane and find people who DO like the book and chat about it with them.

because i can PROMISE YOU, none of us appreciate it when you come onto our posts and start accusing us of "hating on" the author or "being rude" about her and her work and RIDICULOUS shit like that.

being critical of something and pointing out it's flaws is NOT inherently hating on it. i, frankly, do not know where people got that notion, but it's not fucking true so can we fucking quit assuming it is? and, critiquing something is also NOT the same as saying this is shit and it sucks and the author is a piece of garbage. again, where the fuck that came from is beyond me. you can be critical of something and still enjoy it. as soooo many of you love to point out, it's not perfect, why should it be perfect? so D U H. of course that means criticism can and should arise???

also. hot take (by which i mean ice fucking cold because it's NOT a fucking hot take), but going around toting FALSE facts as part of your "defense" does not make you or your argument look good. you, like the author, should maybe do a basic fact check first. 🙃

tldr, if you like the book, that's genuinely great, but stay in your fucking lane and stop seeking out posts from people who didn't like it to start shit in the notes.

#flight of icarus #stranger things #this has happened to me and to so many of my friends and im fucking SICK of it #i didn't even hate the book either!! i thought it was just okay #and yet i STILL get all these book lovers jumping down my throat about things i say about the book #things that - HONESTLY are not even like that scathing!!!!!#like god damn all im asking for is a little BASIC effort from the author and they all think thats me asking for her head on a platter #its NOT #i have no problem with the author #she's whatever to me honestly just a vessel through which the book was given to us #ALSO she is some nebulous blob way outside my orbit. AS IN any critiques i have of her and her work are NOT direct assaults on her???#like i dont fucking KNOW her #im not saying any of this to her face #she is a published writer she should KNOW the risks she is taking when she publishes her writing #not everyone is going to like it! there are going to be people who are critical of it! there are going to be people who hate it!#critiques and pointing out mistakes and wishing for things to have been different is not a fucking direct attack #those things are actually pretty fucking common responses to ANYTHING #and a lot of times theyre actually meant as useful helpful things geared towards improvement and not something to tear someone down with #some people on the internet need to go touch grass and learn how to CRITICALLY THINK again #the world is not as black and white as you think #n e ways. rant over. if you stuck around through all of that kudos to you. i am just. at the end of my rope with this bullshit.

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amymel86 · 4 years

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Inspired by this post

A while ago I made @vivilove-jonsa a promise - that I wouldn’t post anything new (bar my drabble event entries) until I’d finished Redamancy. I could work on new things - but not post.

So here’s my chance to sort of cheat (Ssshhh! No one tell Vivi!)

This is a kind of modern post-apocalyptic ish au (and is currently untitled) - basically a couple of decades after a global pandemic, the majority of the world’s female population is left infertile and the government are providing incentives and schemes to try and boost the efforts to repopulate.

Guess which girl is left fertile?? (I know, I know, predictable, right? I don’t even care - I’m having fun)

You’ll see this is very rough - there’s notes in there for myself where I’ve not made up my mind about stuff - even stuff that’s already there may well get changed.

But I’d like to share some of what I have already if you guys don’t mind (and Vivi doesn’t kill me)...

I’d also like to invite other authors to share some of their WIP!

“They’re offering money now,” Anya’s plummy whisper carried through from the kitchen. Sansa paused. She’d been getting ready for hers and Harry’s night out - one of many, but she loved them. She adored the heady buzz of her dirty margaritas and the belly-warming glow she felt when Harry would keep her close, proud to have her on his arm. Sansa found that she craved distractions and her well-to-do boyfriend certainly was that. “There’s a whole package of incentives, Harry, you really should consider it.”

With fingers rolling the cut jet beads of her long-looped necklace, Sansa hovers between seconds, waiting to hear Harry’s answer. She’d asked him before; about having a baby. The new normal is not having to worry about all that – or worrying far too much.

Just over a decade ago, the highly contagious disease, [[NAME DISEASE]] spread its vicious reach throughout the population of Westeros; a disease that the infected had a coin’s toss chance of surviving, but left a staggering amount of surviving women barren. Left in the virus’s wake, there were also women like Sansa – anomalies. With seemingly no medical explanation, the [[disease name]] allowed them to keep hold of both their lives, and their ability to reproduce.

Sansa had thought, what with her having the rare ability to give Harry children, he would have been enthused by the idea when she’d broached the subject. Instead, he’d brushed it aside, seemingly uninterested.

And now his mother is getting involved. Anya Waynwood; a greying woman whose age has left her no less formidable both on a personable level and on a business one. Sansa knows this since she works directly under her at Waynwood’s Estates and Lettings.

“Think of it,” Anya whispers, filling the silence, “a baby of your own, with beautiful sandy hair and chubby cheeks. Just like you. You were such a happy babe.”

“Mother,” Harry starts. Sansa can hear him place his beer bottle down on the polished marble kitchen island. She begins to worry her lip as she listens. “Just because Sansa’s a peach, it doesn’t mean we’re going to have a baby.” She winced at that. ‘A peach’ – it’s not quite a derogatory term for a woman like her – a fertile, but it’s not considered polite either. Still, it’s better than when creeps find out what she is and start to tell her she’s ‘ripe for the plucking’... she supposes. She’s a novelty to them – her and women like her. They’re the kind of guys that search that subsection of illegal porn dedicated to the genre of ‘peaches’ for filthy connoisseurs with a breeding kink.

Harry’s not like that. He’s always been careful when they were intimate... well... he’s always finished in a way that would be biologically impossible to result in a pregnancy anyway. And... he cares for her... doesn’t he?

The thing is, Sansa really would like to have a child. The gods allowed her that ability for some reason, surely? Having a child might bring a sorely missed smile to her mother’s face – a smile that hasn’t really appeared since the virus took father and Robb away. They could bundle up their precious babe and take a trip up north to Winterfell and-

“I don’t even like children,” Harry continued, making Sansa frown. “I can’t even remember the last time I saw anyone under the age of... I don’t know... sixteen? I wouldn’t know what to do with a baby.”

“Well, that’s what Sansa’s for.”

Sansa rolled her eyes so hard they hurt. She’s tempted to go out there and show her face so that this conversation can peter off into the silence that that particular comment deserves. She could picture Anya’s expression perfectly during her next words; brows raised in expectancy, a devious twinkle in her eye and her coral pink painted lips twitching upward in a smirk.

“The government are offering a 15k incentive for the first baby, and all medical bills taken care of. There’s even talk of a new housing development especially for breeders. Now doesn’t that sound like it’s worth considering?”

Urgh. ‘Breeders’. Sansa hates that one too. There’s been rumours of these ‘repopulation incentive packages’, but she hadn’t realised they’d be so... generous. If-... if Harry’s convinced then she could send some extra money up to her mother for Bran’s chair – might even be able to get some to Arya wherever she is, off backpacking, living from youth hostel to youth hostel.

“Mum,” Harry lowers his voice, the deep timbre of it only just making it to Sansa’s ears. She moves closer to the bedroom door, tilting her head as if that would help her hear better. “I... I can’t.”

“Nonsense, of course-“

“No, Mum. I can’t. I can’t have children. I’ve been tested.”

Sansa’s heart thumpity-thumped against her ribs. She’s not meant to be hearing this... and yet at the same time, she feels like she should be hearing this.

Anya sounded aghast. “What do you mean? Of course you can have children!”

“You remember Cissy and Saffron?”

Harry’s exes. But he’d said that Sansa was his first girlfriend who was also a fertile so why-

“Your other peaches? Yes.”

Oh.... Oh no.

“Well it wasn’t like I was careful with them. It never happened because it can’t. I can’t... It just... never happened and so I got tested and I’m... I’m okay with never having kids.”

Sansa’s gut started to roll.

Where was that damned dirty margarita?

***

“And what’s your marital status, dear?” the older woman asked over her wire-rimmed glasses.

Sansa swallowed. “Single.” It hadn’t taken long for her to come to the conclusion that Harry was no different than all the others. She, as ‘his peach’ was purely a status symbol to hang on his arm. Oh, she could kick herself now for all the times she enjoyed his attentions and how he loved to show her off. Why hadn’t she seen it sooner? Harry didn’t care about her. He didn’t see a future with her. All he cared about was his own significance and status. But, of course, as soon as she’d broken things off with her darling son, Anya had made her working life a living hell. Sansa needed more options but she knows Anya is loathed to give her a good job reference and she’s hardly qualified for anything above partying her life away to distract herself and minimum wage. She can’t afford to stop sending her mum money for her medication, and Bran needed his physiotherapy sessions and a new chair. All the equations point towards sticking it out at Waynwood Estates but -

“A pretty thing like you? That is surprising!” the woman – a Mrs S Mordane as per the name plate on her desk – says with a small smile.

Sansa shrugs, not wanting to get into the nitty-gritty of the failings of her love-life – and especially not with a stranger in a little cubicle at The Vale Council Offices. She clears her throat. “I-I heard there was some sort of matching service?”

The woman’s eyes light up behind her spectacles. “Oh, yes. Is that something you’re interested in?”

Well, she needed to do something.

“I... I don’t know. Can you tell me more?”

A bundle of leaflets were handed over to Sansa before Mrs Mordane tap-tapped on her computer to print out even more information for her. “We have a whole host of potentially lucky fellas for you to choose from. They’ve all been extensively quizzed and along with the answers from your questionnaire –“ she paused, nodding her head towards the handful of papers now in Sansa’s grasp, “ – we’ll be able to narrow down who might be best suited for you.”

Sansa’s eyes fell to the leaflet on top. There was a photograph of a smiling, gummy baby. “A-and then what?”

***

“That fucking dipshit crook! I’m gonna fucking kill him the next time he’s at Hobb’s I’ll-“

Jon opened his trailer door with a creak and a slam to see what all the racket was about. It was Mance, of course. No one else ‘round here for miles anyhow. He squints his one good eye at the sun reflecting off the sandy dirt that led up to Mance’s farmhouse.

“I’ll kill ‘im, Jon! I will!” the man exclaimed when he’d caught sight of him, right before he kicked up some of the dust beneath his tattered leather boots.

Leaning his shoulder against the door frame, Jon smirked as his sight adjusted to the blinding sun. “Who you killin’ this time old man?”

“That damn bastard Slynt, that’s who!”

Jon straightened. Slynt owned a chain of used car lots in the area. His branches in the two nearest towns always sent cars for fixing straight to him and Mance. It was a slow but steady influx of work and meant that Mance could afford to keep his property and his land from falling into the hands of the tax man – which also meant Jon could continue to live there too; in his trailer parked up beside the farmhouse.

They really needed those cars to fix.

“Shit.”

“Yeah. ‘Shit’ is ‘bout right, boy.”

***

It didn’t take too long for Mance to come and find him later that day. Normally, unless they’re working on a vehicle together, Mance leaves him well enough alone until dinner time which suits Jon just fine. But here he is peering into the old barn, finding Jon working on the project he has going for himself. The old man had told him not to purchase it – the broken down compact utility tractor – but they’d been visiting a farm closure auction for possible parts and Jon fancied himself to be able to fix up the piece of machinery and sell it on. Turns out, it needs more parts replacing to get it going than he’d originally anticipated, but Jon was nothing but determined to make this baby purr into life again. Jon straightened, wiping his oily hands in an old rag while his one good eye followed Mance as he approached.

“I been thinkin’.”

Jon snorted quietly.

Mance ignored him. “With what we got in the bank, those council folk will be sniffin’ ‘round here, comin’ to take my land from me in little more than 4 months – 6 tops.”

Fuck. OK, he knew they’d needed Slynt’s cars but he hadn’t known it was this dyer. He felt his tongue roll around his mouth as though he could find a solution between his teeth. “We need more cars to fix.” Mance pierced him with a ‘no shit, dumbass’ kind of look making Jon sigh. “We can go into town, post flyers, fix folk’s cars up ready for their M.O.Ts, fuckin’ clean and polish ‘em too if it comes to that.”

“[[INSERT NAME OF TOWN]] has a population of about 200, 202 if yer countin’ us. And half of ‘em are either poor as dirt or just as handy with a wrench as you an’ me. Ain’t nobody keepin’ us afloat from that town, boy.”

Jon’s gaze drifted around the dusty old barn. “We could go further afield, to [[INSERT TOWN]] or [[INSERT TOWN]], even go as far as [[INSERT TO----]]

“It’s not gonna work, Snow.”

“Well we gotta try somethin’!” Jon hollered, slamming the rusted hood of his tractor down with a loud clang. He paced away, dirty hand running through dirty hair. “What about the land?” he asked, staring at the ancient farming equipment abandoned in the corner of the barn, left unused for a few decades a least. “Your family used to farm the land. We could too.” He turned to look at Mance. Sure, they’d have to clear at least one field of decaying vehicle carcasses and other miscellaneous rusted objects, and the rest is currently being strangled by a carpet of brambles. But they could do it, couldn’t they? The Rayder’s used to be grain farmers before the land was handed down to Mance and he, already a mechanic by trade had had no love nor want to carry on the tradition.

Mance blinked at him, his lips twisting in consideration. “That would take a long time to get going, Snow. Longer than we can afford.”

Jon felt a prickle up his spine. The words ‘well have you got any smart ideas, then wise-ass?!’ right on the tip of his tongue when Mance interrupts.

“I’ve been on the phone with a woman. A woman at the council.”

Jon flung his arms into the air, giving his back to Mance while he shook his head in dismay. Great. Now they know we’re in trouble. They’ll be sniffin’ ‘round here sooner.

“She was talkin’ ‘bout a scheme,” the old man continued

“Financial aid?”

“Not exactly. You sign up for the scheme an’ if yer selected they... well, they go easy on yer for taxes an’ they give yer some money too.”

Jon turned to face him again, a furrow to his brow. “That don’t sound right. Why would they go easy on taxes and give us money? They ain’t gonna do that, old man.”

“They will if there’s gonna be a wee baby on the property.”

What?!

#Jonsa #jon x sansa #jonsa fic #wip wednesday

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pocmuzings · 5 years

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so throughout your time in the rpc, are there any characters written by other people that you adore? people never compliment each other on their writing and effort for their characters enough and i think bringing life to it would be such a nice change of topic on the rpc tags!

GOD WHERE DO I EVEN START?!?!!? there’s so many to choose from.

firstly, we have @zeldadyke who wrote my favourite shy quiet lesbian of all time and basically tore my heart away. i thought my own character was going to be bi or pan, but as soon as she met autumn she just was 1000% gay. i fell in love with the kindness of autumn, the softness, the CHARACTER of her as a whole was written utterly spectacular, even if it was only for a little while we rp’ed together, that character forever sticks with me.

secondly we have @retribvtions and their constant strive for diverse characters, but more than that... nicole fucking woods, ladies and non-gender-conforming individuals. nicole was one of those characters that as soon as i read her and her interactions, i fell in LOVE. she was so absolutely unique and well developed, she had a gamer/geeky personality, but was so confident and just.. i literally was in awe and wish i could have written a character nearly as fantastic.

i don’t even know where to start with @pauljasons , somebody who will make a character in .2 seconds and have me in love with them in half that time. consistently, sunny makes characters that are strong, independent, original, and so vastly different. it’s incredible, the range she has. athena was the first character i fell in love with- she was sad, but poignant. jensen had me FALLING HARD with how original and unique he was, and every other character along the way has been nothing short of another treat.

i don’t know where i’d be without @zivadaviid. the amount of work she puts in to every. single. character, is astounding. writing with her is like being on a whole different page. writing with her is like... writing with a genuine AUTHOR. she has all these little mannerisms, and character quirks for EVERY character. rylie was the first female character i think i EVER rp’ed with that was strong in a way that wasn’t just physical. vina has taught me MULTITUDES on how to write strong female characters.

it’s been so so long since i’ve rped with @greektrcgdy, but when i say they have my heart from now until forever, i mean it. the original maker of a character that was an asshole with a heart, an asshole who is MULTI DIMENSIONAL and creative. i don’t know anybody who can write characters that are so COMPLEX and genuinely have people FIGHT to want to plot with them. being able to plot and SHIP with holly is literally one of the luckiest thing i’ve ever been able to experience, and something i’ll never forget.

my rp soul mate.. @tigresswrites. i literally messaged them on about FOUR different character blogs the first time i met them, because i had no idea they played ALL FOUR CHARACTERS bc each character was so VASTLY different and COMPLETELY seperate. it was incredible. i’ve never known someone who can hop on and play a ruthless maniac like walden macnair, and then switch so easily to someone soft and kind like miroslav orlov, THEN SWITCH AGAIN to a strong, fierce female like odella blackburn. i will never ever meet anyone with such a range of characters like that ever again.

@lovcsomebody.. i don’t even know where to begin. i’ll never forget playing vodka pong with you and learning headcanons about your characters. i’ve never had such a fun time learning about characters, and being with a friend. it literally was one of the best nights of my life, even when i threw up KJGGNF. but listening to the way candy talked with such enthusiasm and LOVE for her own characters... it literally was such a delight. it really reminded me what i love about rping.

i’ve only been rping for a short while with them but the character arc of lane by @fitzalans is absolutely insane. seeing the roll, and turn, and demise of a character is something i don’t get to see much, especially not done WELL, but everything cc has lane do is so well thought out and coordinated and planned. it’s impossible to not just WATCH in awe to see what will happen next.

@satan1x1 is literally someone i haven’t written with in so long, but that doesn’t mean i’ll ever forget what they’ve written or how they’ve written it. the character of carmen lodge was such an insanely creative character, i honestly can’t think of anybody else who will ever come close to pulling off such a manipulative, dark character like gaby did. the way she made a dark, EVIL character still so likeable is outstanding.

of course i have to mention @jcnghyunnie who literally i don’t know where i’d be without them. it’s been so so many years of friendship together, met over tumblr, RANDOMLY in the rpc of all places. getting to rp with sam is something i will never not be thankful for. she can literally make you fall in love with every damn word she writes. her creativity knows no boundaries. her characters are all the kinds of characters i literally YEARN to see and learn more of, but every little taste i get is honestly amazing and just leaves me wanting more.

@perstephone who has written so many different characters but always had time to message me and ask me to plot. steph will offer you a shoulder no matter what kind of day you’re having because she’s so selfless. every time i rp with her i’m literally just .. kissing the ground she walks in. she knows how to make characters loveable, no matter what their traits are, and that must be bc SHE’S so loveable, and utterly creative with everything she writes and every character she moulds.

god damn @emmanuelnathalie for being an actual asset to every rp she graces. she brings diversity, she brings an independent voice and individual characters . she never falls into stereotypes or tropey characters, but always finds a way to put a spin on a fc and character, it’s honestly incredible how she does it.

sara over at apogeehq for writing characters so vastly different from each other, but so equally flawed yet incredible. writing flawed characters is so, so hard but she hits the nail on the head everytime and makes writing with her so utterly enjoyable.

ingrid from soundscapehq, for bringing in possibly the coolest defined character. literally, i can’t think of a character as simply beautifully written and amazing as gala levitz was. as soon as she came into my life, i can’t think of a zoe kravitz character written any other way.

moose over at soundscapehq, because she just knows how to write and write and create and her artistic abilities are honestly just something i can’t even compete with. she’s someone i only rped with for a short time, but she was so utterly talented, and her characters SO personable, that they’ll honestly always stick with me.

honestly i can’t even think, i know im missing more people but these are the people i can talk to ooc and ic literally anytime and they’ve become so much more than just ‘rp partners’. anybody i’ve ever written with has genuinely given me so so much, and helped further my own writing and i’ll never not be thankful. the entire rpc in general, has helped me further my writing, and my character development skills. it may not be a perfect place, but it’s always helping me and encouraging me to write characters i’d never think to write about anywhere else. so thank you to everyone, and i mean EVERYONE. your work doesn’t go un-appreciated, especially not by me. even if we haven’t ever rped together, i’d honestly love to change that anytime, just shoot me a message. your writing is good. i promise.

#save #shutup g.#this got SO LONG IM SORRYYYYY #long post cw #long post tw #rp positivity #i mclove my mcfriends #so so thankful to yall #Anonymous

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norcumii · 5 years

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Reblogged from the prior tumbl, originally posted 02/04/2016. Question submitted by @makiruz. Slightly reformatted to avoid a readmore cut and whatnot.

In Full of Sith, they always ask new guests how they got into Star Wars. And you know? That's a good question, how did you got into Star Wars?

HEH. Oooh, that’s a bit of a loaded question. So I’ll give you the short answer, which I suspect would fit the thing you mentioned what I haven’t heard of; and then because I’m a wordy bastard what overshares, the long answer which is more accurate and has content warnings for self harm and suicide.

SHORT ANSWER

It was the 80’s. I was young, in single digits, though I couldn’t tell you exactly what age. I was already dealing with an irregular sleep cycle, though all I knew was I had a flashlight, a pile of books near/on my bed, and a thick pound puppies duvet to read under.

I don’t know if I was in my room or on my way to/from the bathroom, but I could hear my parents watching something downstairs. Swooshy noises, a shrill screee, and some thwoom bzzts.

Of course I went downstairs.

I don’t know if it was episode 5 or 6. I’ve a fondness for 6, but carbonite left a HUGE fucking impression on me, and my parents have always approved of muppets, so Yoda.

I knew I loved it. I didn’t have any toys, though I think somewhere there was a print edition of A New Hope running around. I do recall multiple sleepovers at my grandmother’s place – a tiny house on acres and acres of woods – and she’d sometimes pull out Return of the Jedi and we’d watch it together on her tiny TV. Later on I’d be in bed, staring out at woods and trees that I knew, but seemed huge to a little kid, and I’d dream of Ewoks.

RotJ was Gram’s favorite, and for many years mine, too.

I like Ewoks.

VERY LONG ANSWER

TW: mental illness, depression, self harm, suicide, abuse

In late elementary, early middle school, my brother and I were basically reading ANYTHING we could get our hands on. He sometimes dove into books that didn’t interest me, so I’d read the first of something and then be bored and he’d keep going.

Star Wars EU was one of those. It was too grim for me. I think I didn’t run into any of the really good writers. It was all Han and Luke and Leia on the covers, so take that for what you will. There also was no Wookiepeia, so I was depending heavily on the writers’ abilities to convey things to someone very visual, yet pretty impatient with descriptions, so it never took.

I was in high school when The Phantom Menace came out. Mine honorable brother was off at college, so it was with great excitement on my part, and bemused tolerance on my parents’, that they and I went off to the theater.

On the one hand, I was dazzled.

On the other, there was Jar Jar. There was the fact that I hadn’t been impressed with the re-release of the OT – Han shot first. FITE ME. There was the fact that TPM didn’t feel like Star Wars, which was darker and grittier and…simpler to me.

So I wrote it off. Packed Star Wars away as “one of those things” that I’d been into, but felt like I was moving past. I was obsessed with Gargoyles, I was looking at going to college, and I would keep m’damn ewoks without needing to try to extend that vision with gungans.

College sucked. I went in, not sure if I wanted to go into English, for writing, or Psych, because I had always been what I’d now call The Mom Friend. I met a nice guy who tried, but things never really clicked between us, and there was an interesting bit that he was mad about Star Wars and insisted that I read the Rogue Squadron books.

That was a Good Decision. Dating him, not so much.

I had a huge assortment of Life Issues. Got into an abusive relationship that would end up lasting 14 years. Transferred schools. Got the fucking Psych degree, though literally only by the grace of a professor who didn’t want to see the kid not graduate just ‘cause she couldn’t numbers and I did go in and try. Talked to him and still couldn’t with the maths but the effort was there to bump me a few points above failing.

I was burnt out. I was depressed. I tried killing myself a few times – not very good at it, as you can see. Took up self-harm as a coping mechanism. Failed in the still never successful search for a decent therapist in Pittsburgh. Got a job slinging food, because needed some kind of income, and people without pressure was nice. The keeping on a schedule thing failed, leading to an average of 4 hours sleep a night. Losing contact with family and friends because I couldn’t stand the pressure of “how are you?” and “what’s going on in your life?” Clinging to Warcraft because repetitively farming was better than clawing open my back or neck again, and the people there were ok with some rando dropping out of sight on a dime, and only a persistent few had the grace and spirit to make it past some serious defensive issues of mine.

I stopped writing. Stopped caring about Gargoyles, stopped being able to see into that AU I’d made for myself of a crazy clan and the weird human who survived cancer with them.

Stopped going on IM, for the same reasons I stopped talking to people.

I still kept track of some folks via LiveJournal. A handful of the Gargoyles folks who were determined, gods know why and thank you, since I know several are here on the tumbles and I genuinely love you to bits.

I quit my job after five years, because enough was enough between the fact that it had all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship and I was fucking tired of being a manager without any actual authority, and the endless hamster wheel of hiring and people quitting because it was a nice, but highly dysfunctional place.

I missed the customers, though. Several of them are here too, and it’s kinda funny ‘cause I know in at least one case I talked to them about Star Wars. I still hope they’re not too shellshocked that I kinda went down the rabbit hole pretty deep.

Started getting more sleep. Not less anxiety, not less depressed. Tried out a few depression medications, with very mixed results.

Then one day @dogmatix came into the LJ area I still hung out in. Enthusiastically recommending to all and sundry that if there is even a shred of interest in Star Wars, THERE IS THIS THING YOU SHOULD READ.

She drew a Wookiee. That was a character?

I’d always liked Wookiees.

And I needed something to read.

Star Wars was one of those things, from back in the day before things went to shit. Low investment, since if I didn’t like it or didn’t care, then eh. Whatevs. Dogmatix was one of the Gargs holdouts still in my circle (or whatever it is that I was hovering at the edges of), and in the past I’d liked her recommendations more often than I disliked them.

I’m also endlessly weak to her art.

Wookiee.

So I did that thing. That so many of us here have done. It took me about 2 weeks to get through Re-Entry. It had trouble taking root in the depression, but Obi-Wan going crackers was something I could empathize with and appreciate.

There was the hope that had been missing from the EU novels I’d tried reading back in the day.

There was Wookieepedia, which meant I could stop and see what a Nautolan was. I had tabs open for DAYS so when someone named Adi or Gallia who were apparently the same person? I could see who that was. I got stupidly distressed that Abella didn’t have an entry, until I twigged and checked for a Chitanook, and holy shit I could never tell what character was going to crop up as canon, obscure EU character, or home brewed.

I honestly expected to set it aside, get updates as they happened, and gradually step away because that’s how things were going at the time.

But I still needed something to read, to stave off empty hours when my brain was too full of screaming.

On Ebon Wings. I’d loved The Crow when I’d seen it back in high school, and that story tapped into the powerful visuals and the lovely message I’d adored and in ways I still don’t quite understand it somehow validated that I could be mad and still be ok. Maybe. Maybe not now, but someday.

Maybe.

So I gave in and got a Tumbl. I’d been a stubborn holdout, regularly checking the same half dozen feeds daily because dammit, I don’t wanna go through the trouble and I was close to giving up on LJ and another journaly thing? That was stupid. But I wanted to follow Flamethrower and Dogmatix, and it made it infinitely easier to follow several blogs (and oh GODS one of those is a mutual and holy fuck I swear I screamed the day that happened and it’s still a high to realize).

Dogmatix wrote Möbius and Accidental Timeshare, wherein Venge goes universe hopping. That’s also a weakness of mine.

I’d been kvetching IRL about the treadmill and wanting something to watch, and someone mentioned in Dogmatix’s feed The Clone Wars – which conveniently was on Netflix. So I figured what the hell. I was disinclined to like clones – ‘cause yeesh, they’re the reason the Jedi all died, and yeah, ok, the Order was SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP, but.

I still had never seen Episodes 2 or 3.

I turned on the Clone Wars movie, and within ten minutes I nearly fell off the back of the treadmill due to crying.

THIS was the Star Wars of my youth. THIS was what I remembered. A little grim. Lots of quips.

That sound. Lightsabers igniting. A-wings rumbling overhead. Blasterfire, and that music.

I had to stop and calm down and for the first time in ages WRITE [, because I just had to ramble about how it all hit me in the feels]. I had no idea I’d missed this.

By the end of the movie I’d decided ok, I wanted more. Wasn’t sold on these clone fellas, and damned if I could tell one set of armor from another (this is ALSO due to the treadmill screen being calibrated to be a compromise of a very short person – me – and a very tall person, which means neither person gets a decent view but that’s not what the treadmill tv is for).

I’d been told there was an order to the episodes, but I didn’t care. Continuity is for those who think about the future, and I was still regularly suicidal.

So the first episode I watched was Yoda romping around a planet, playing with droids while three clone troopers tried to babysit his mad little ass.

They had me, all in one episode. I loved these guys. They had individuality, I could tell them apart by the voices (which is sometimes just as important to me as visuals) even if I couldn’t name them, and the personalities –

They were loyal. Their primary concern was old batty Yoda which I had adored as a child because MUPPETS. They were willing to die to keep him safe and there was this lovely reciprocity in taking care of each other and all of them, clones and Jedi alike were doomed to extinction and I don’t think I knew yet HOW the clones were except they weren’t in the OT so there was shit going down.

Tragic figures, loyal found family, incredible voice acting, Batty Old Yoda who OH YEAH FUCKING KICKED SO MUCH ASS I COULD NEVER GET ENOUGH.

I wanted to keep those three clones. I was willing to keep them all.

Final blow, that knocked me into the fandom so hard I’ll be surprised if I ever leave?

THIS.

The origins of Balance. This is the post that started a simple notion, to try to write something when I’d gone….anywhere from 7 to 10 years of not writing A SINGLE. DAMNED. THING of substance – and that was after thinking I might try to get a degree related to it.

Darth Wraith was a tentative idea. I was scared @deadcatwithaflamethrower would be irked I wanted to play in her sandbox (oh my gods I was inserting myself into a conversation with her this amazing person who wrote blindingly well and so damn much and how the FUCK was I daring to speak up about a silly half DREAM I’d had because once again I couldn’t sleep).

Then, because I was trying to break out of the depression, the cycles of mental ill health, and if I was on this tumbls thing, fuck it, I’d try the IM thing again.

I’d been gone long enough that pretty much no one on my contact list was still there. That…was ok. There wasn’t the pressure.

And Dogmatix popped on, asking if I wanted to share details about this Sith Qui-Gon thing.

I had A SCENE. ONE. SCENE. And she was spinning it off into this EPIC, which at first I was gleeful because she had neat ideas and I couldn’t wait to see what she would do with it and then wait, she’s not talking about writing it herself, this is more about something WE could work on.

Thank gods it was IM, because I had a little panic about commitment to a project when I regularly was sure I wasn’t going to see tomorrow and if I didn’t wake up one morning that’d be MORE than ok.

Still. There was that itch. The visuals in my brain. The characters I’d started to like in Flamethrower’s universe, which had formed my mental voices for them.

The only sound in my head for so long was just screaming.

Writing down that scene in Knock On Effect, where Venge meets Wraith – that felt good. It never changed much from the first draft to what was posted. The rest grew, and quickly. It was clear if we were doing this, then there were multiple stories, spanning in universe years.

And then there were spinoffs. Wonderful ideas and plots spiraling away from this one notion, and gods I wanted to write about those glorious clones.

How’d I get into Star Wars?

Chance. One strange little step at a time, and a bunch of miracles and horrors that kept me bleeding but not dying. Damn good fic. The kindness of friends. The generosity of strangers.

The tragedy of a once great order of space monks, and their allies-forced-to-be-betrayers clones.

One little picture, of Qui-Gon Jinn with Sith eyes.

#tumblageddon #reviving from the purge #star wars #tw #self harm #suicide #depression #mental illness #abuse #emotional #Norcumi has Opinions again #deadcatwithaflamethrower #dogmatix #i did not expect to cry when writing this #star wars saved my life #literally

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