spent my weekend going to a show from a portuguese band from a popular show when i was a teen and it’s so bad for me right now because i’m fully 13 again, listening to the old albums and crushing on the first fictional dude i’ve ever had a crush on

I Told You So - Chris Evans x Reader

Summary: You catch up with Chris a few days after the ‘laser focused on finding the one’ interview

Words Count: 767

Warnings: Fluff! Language!

Dividers by @firefly-graphics / Photo Credit: @rainbowkisses31​

Masterlist

Relaxing in bed, Dodger curled up beside you, you smiled when you heard the sound of Chris FaceTime’ing you. As soon as the call connected you were greeted with his warm but tired smile.

“Hey sweetheart how are you?” You smiled.

“Tired, jet lag is a bitch but I’m happy to see you” he smiles, stifling a yawn.

“Are you having fun though?” You ask him.

“Yeah lots, I’m doing interviews with Ana still and you know she’s fun, and you know it’s a movie I do want to promote, it could be worse, could be stuck with people I don’t like, promoting a movie that I didn’t enjoy making,” Chris says shrugging his shoulders before smiling gently “that being said I would rather be at home with you”

You smiled back at him “me too, that hotel bed does look comfy though”

“Oh it is” Chris chuckles wiggling himself back into the plush pillows “it was an outrage that I only got a few hours sleep last night”

“What time did you have to get up this morning?” You ask him.

“At like 4:30 am so we could pre-record the radio interview, I’m pretty sure I nearly fell asleep at least twice,” Chris says making you laugh.

“And all the questions are nice? Nothing coming back to bite you in the ass?” You ask trying not to smirk since you already knew the answer.

Chris groaned dropping his head back against his pillow “You know exactly what’s biting me in the ass right now” he groans.

“I think it's sweet that so many people are invested in your happiness,” you tell him.

He lets out a long sigh finally looking back at you “yeah I guess, I just didn’t expect it to blow up like it did” Chris shrugs “like we get so many boring questions and this question was a good one so I wanted to give them a good answer in the hopes that it would spur on more good questions” he sighs

“I get it, like training a puppy, you reward good behaviour,” you say nodding your head.

“Exactly! Except it backfired and now it’s the only thing I get asked about” Chris groans “and it wasn’t even an honest answer! Like I wanted to say how I was laser focused on building something with you but we’re not public yet and it was the next best thing to say and urgh! Just wish I kept my mouth shut”

You give him a sympathetic smile, which makes the worry lines on his face disappear “you can say I told you so now” he sighed.

You gasp laughing “I wasn’t going to!” You exclaim.

“Yes you were,” Chris says pointing at you “that night when I told you about it you said and I quote ‘aren’t you worried that it could blow up?’ And I said nah it probably won’t but it did so you were right”

“Doesn’t mean I wanted to be right” you point out.

“I guess so” Chris sighs his shoulders slumping slightly.

“It isn’t stressing you out, is it? Because if you’re worried about it bothering me it really doesn’t” you tell him.

He gives you a small lopsided smile “no not really, hopefully after the radio interview people will move on it's just frustrating that’s all” he says shaking his head gently.

“I know, but look just focus on the positives: the press tour is nearly done and you had a great time with Ana, and the internet is even more in love with you,” you tell him gently.

A lopsided grin grew on his face “you forgot one thing, I’m nearly back home to you” he smiles.

“I know, but I didn’t wanna seem big-headed” you smirk shrugging your shoulders.

Chris laughs before failing to hold back a loud yawn.

“You should probably get some rest sweetheart, you look exhausted,” you tell him softly.

“No I’m good, I wanna speak with you more, tell me about your day” Chris yawns shaking his head.

“Okay fine but I promise I won’t be offended if you fall asleep,” you tell him.

“Not gonna happen” Chris states.

You roll your eyes playfully before beginning to recount your day. You made sure to go into every boring little detail, dragging out the story wherever you could. You could see Chris fighting to stay awake meaning your plan was working. Soon enough Chris was fast asleep, his mouth hanging open as he lightly snored.

You smiled to yourself just watching him for a moment before whispering a goodnight and ending the call.

SHARING IS CARING SO REBLOG IF YOU ENJOYED IT!

Masterlist

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Ring out the old, bring in the new

Day 30

This is a follow up to 'I'm dreaming of a white christmas' and it's fluffy to the point of soppy but I hope you like it.

The title and lyrics are from 'The Perfect Year' by Dina Carroll which I've always loved and they seemed to fit. So, enjoy

BTW tomorrow's fic will be posted a little later on account of it not being finished yet, but I'm definitely posting at least part of it before the end of the month!!

(AO3 link)

“You’re not serious.” Aaron says when Robert tells him his idea. It’s boxing day and he’s about to take the kids up to the farm so Cain and Moira can babysit and give them a few hours of peace, and Seb had been crazing them all day wanting to see Isaac and all his new toys. “You want to renew our vows on new years eve? As in five days from now.”

“Yeah. It’s tons of time to get everything sorted.” Aaron raised an eyebrow, looking at the state of the flat, still a mess from the chaos of the day before.

“Everything? We said something small, just our friends and family.”

“Well I thought we could combine it with a new year party, makes sense doesn’t it?”

“You can’t organise something like that in that short a time!” He looks up from where he’s wrestling Ana into her coat at Robert’s scoff. “What?”

“I organised our first wedding in under twenty four hours. I can do this. A new year, a new start?” Aaron knew that voice, he’d learnt not to argue with it so he just nodded, even though he didn’t think they needed a new start, they’d done alright the past few years. “Right, when you’ve dropped them off, come back and we’ll sort a guest list and that. I’ll call Mum, she can help.”

“Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir.” Aaron mumbled as he herded the kids out of the door. Even after two weddings and nearly ten years he still forgot how Robert could be when he got an idea in his head.

Ring out the old Bring in the new A midnight wish to share with you

It’s two days before the vow renewal and he’s ready to tear his hair out. Robert’s promise of something small

“Robert, how many people have you invited.” He asks as his husband and his mother come in the door laden down with bags bulging with food.

“Just the essentials, your lot, Gran if she’s feeling up to it, Liam, Leyla, Priya and I think Mack and Charity…Billy and Ellis said they’d pop by. Um…”

“So basically everyone in the village except Mum and Paddy?”

“Er, yeah. Oh, Cain said he’d make sure Eve was here too, at least for part of it.” Aaron smiled at that, he’d wanted to ask his Mum about having her over but she barely spoke to him these days and he really couldn’t face another argument with her.

“Thank you.” He kisses him as he passes by. “The only thing left is to decide who is doing the ceremony then. Or do you just want to say the vows and stuff ourselves.”

“Um, I thought about asking Charles. If that’s alright with you.”

“Course it is. We can ask him tonight at the pub.”

“Daddy.” Seb pipes up. “If you’re getting married, you need a best man.”

“Oh we do, do we?” Robert crouches down to him. “And who told you that?”

“Ganma.” Robert looked over at his Mum who shrugs.

“Well Ganma should know that it’s a vow renewal not a wedding.” He wants to kick himself when his son’s face drops and Aaron swoops to the rescue as he tries to come up with the right words.

“Daddy’s right, but you know what? The best thing about a vow renewal is that unlike a wedding there’s no rules, so if we want to have a best man then we can.” He looks over at Robert, having one of their silent conversations before turning back to him. “In fact, I was going to ask you to be mine.”

“Really?” Aaron nods and Seb runs off cheering as he goes. “Ganma! Did you hear?”

“I heard peanut. You’ll be brilliant. What about you Robert?”

“Maybe Ana can be yours?” Aaron suggests, getting caught up in it all.

“But then Sara’s left out.” He looks at their youngest who is rolling about with her cuddly bunny, chattering away in her own little language.

“I thought she could walk in front of us with your Mum, with Eve, maybe with flowers or something, you know how she likes to make mess.”

“Getting well into this all of a sudden aren’t we?”

“Yeah well…they’ll enjoy it won’t they.” He shrugs. In truth it was the contented look on Robert’s face that he was enjoying.

“You’d better stay with me, Robert.” Sarah pipes up. “The night before.”

“Er, why?”

“Because it’s bad luck not to.”

“We didn’t bother with that before.” He tells her and she and Aaron share a look.

“Your Mum’s right…look what happened before…best not chance it a third time.” He’s smiling so Robert knows he’s kidding.

“But…No, this is wrong, you’re ganging up on me!”

“You’re the one who wanted this all done ‘proper’.” Aaron can’t hold in his laughter and then Robert starts tickling him, which ends up as a family affair with the kids join in until Aaron pleads with them to stop.

It's New Year's Eve, and hopes are high Dance one year in, kiss one goodbye

“You ready?” His Mum asks, straightening his tie.

“Of course he is lass.” His gran pipes up from her chair. He was so pleased she’d made it over again and he’d proudly shown her around the cafe the day before, showing off a little, enjoying the pleased smile on her face.

“You don’t think it’s a bit silly do you?” He asks, nerves hitting him all of a sudden. “Three weddings…it’s not a bit…”

“I think it’s wonderful love. You and Aaron have been through so much, I don’t see why you shouldn’t celebrate the fact that despite everything you’re still together.” She straightens his tie again, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I’m very proud of you.”

“Thanks Mum. We should get going.” He needs to or he’s going to cry and he doesn’t want that, not today.

They walk into the village, meeting Aaron and the kids on the path to the village hall. Cain’s with him and Robert can see Eve. Thank goodness Chas hadn’t put up a fight or he might have had to go round there and get the little girl herself.

“Hi.” Aaron’s eyes are soft as he looks at him, but Seb tugging on his arm stops his reply.

“Are we ready Daddy?”

“Yes mate.” He holds out a hand to Aaron as Cain helps Annie to her seat at the front, and Robert watches to make sure he wraps the blanket they’d bought around her. It wasn’t that cold for them, but he didn’t want her to get chilly, she wasn’t used to the English weather anymore. He bursts out laughing as she bats Cain’s hand away. “Oh I wish I had a camera.”

“You’re horrible.”

“That’s why you love me.”

Another chance, another start So many dreams to tease the heart

Unlike their wedding, there’s no readings, or sisters glaring at them, just Charles speaking about fresh starts and second chances, and how he’d come to know them well and had never seen any couple so in love. Aaron’s hand finds his then and he stares at him, wondering just how he got to be so lucky. Then it’s time for their vows.

“At our last wedding, I said that I was lucky to get a second chance. Never could I have believed that I’d need a third. You love me, even when I don’t deserve it. When I push you away, you’re always there. You’re a brilliant Dad to our three children, and I don’t know where I would be without you and I never want to find out. You’re still the bravest, kindest man I know, and I love you more every day.” Aaron’s got tears in his eyes and he smiles at him as he takes his turn.

“I’ve never been very good at this part and it always feels like what I say is not enough. I once said that I love you so much that I don’t know what to do with it, and that’s never changed. Not for a single second. You can be the most infuriating man, but I still love you because everything you do, you do for me, for our children and I promise that you’ll never have to be without be. You deserve every bit of love that we have for you, don’t ever forget that.” This time it’s him that’s crying and laughing and he feels a little light headed as he leans in to kiss Aaron, hearing the usual giggles from the kids, and from Eve.

“Well, I don’t think I need to add anything except to wish you both a long and happy life together.” Charles announces and then they’re walking down the steps to their family.

“Oh love, that was just wonderful.” His Mum is crying over him and he looks to Aaron for help. He just smiles and shakes his head as the kids are all over him. It’s perfect, just as he wanted it.

Your lips are warm, my head is light Were we in love before tonight?

“Alright?” Robert asks, stepping out of the back door, the noise fading away as he shuts the door. Aaron’s sitting on the steps, beer in hand but Robert can’t read the expression on his face. The party at the house has been going a few hours and everyone is more than a little merry. Thankfully the kids had happily gone up to his Mum’s flat with Sarah and Noah and were hopefully fast asleep.

“Yeah, course. Just needed a minute. Pretty loud in there.” He’d bailed when Sam had started dancing with a pint held to his head Robert automatically looked back inside, wincing when he thought about the state of the place. He’d worry about that tomorrow. “It’s been a brilliant day. I know I joked about it, but it really has.”

“I told you I could do it.”

“Yes you did. Not that I didn’t love both of our other ones, but I think this one might be my favourite…you know?” He nods, of course he did, there was no sadness anymore, no prison on the horizon, no grief to get through, just happiness and a life ahead.

“I know. I love you, you know.”

“Love you too.” He leans over to kiss him.

“Come with me.” He held out a hand to Aaron getting to his feet.

“Where, it’s nearly midnight.”

“I know. No one will miss us.” He shakes his head but follows him anyway, into the village.

No need to hear the music play Your eyes say all there is to say The stars can fade And they can shine Long as your face is next to mine

Robert doesn't say anything but a smile crosses Aaron's face when they reach the gazebo next to the village hall, still decorated from earlier in the day. He fumbles a little but eventually gets the lights switched back on and Aaron’s looking up in wonder. “That’s better.”

“What are we doing back here?”

“Wanted to see the new year in somewhere quiet, just us.”

“And the garden wouldn’t do?”

“No. This place…I’ve never been as happy as I was that day you know.”

“Me too. Today’s a pretty close second, sharing everything with our kids. Last time though, eh?” He smiled.

“Mmm, yeah, no more weddings.” He takes hold of Aaron’s hands, tugging him down the steps into the open. “Dance with me.”

“I don’t dance.”

“No one can see. It’s just us. For me…Call it a late Christmas present.”

“There’s no music.” He complained, feeling self conscious even though they were all alone.

“We don’t need it. Come on, as it’s our last wedding.”

“It better be!”

Neither of them noticed the time ticking over to midnight, or the fireworks going off in the distance as they swayed from side to side, just the two of them.

We don't need a crowded ballroom Everything I need is here, if you're with me Next year will be the perfect year

I'm not sure if that's a good thing

“Well you’re definitely the first.” This past week, we screened-in the eastern facing porch on the side of the cabin. The porch slopes to the South, with the brick-on-dirt floor crumbling in that direction as well until it reaches uneven slabs of stone acting as steps down to the “yard” below. A mixed material retaining wall wraps beneath the steps to the south facing garage, holding up one corner of the narrow deck on the front of the house. The deck, in the heat of a high altitude summer, droops off the house like it’s daydreaming about the winter snow’s embrace. It’s safe to sit on, though I would not recommend leaning on the railing.

The side porch takes the brunt of the wind. Our wooden rocking chairs have been rocked some 20 feet into the yard more than once in the two months we lived here. In the myriad of threats we heard about the weather, most people included the wind. We all know how I feel about this ongoing weather intimidation tactic. I asked, “what speed are the gusts?” “Oh, they get up to 70 miles per hour on some days.” This was the first quantifiable piece of weather information someone had offered — an actual number we could react to with data and our historical personal experiences of various weather events. And our reaction was: uhhhh…. OK???? Look, I get it. No one’s preaching the skin benefits of -20 degree wind gusts at 70 mph, building snow drifts against your house in the span of minutes that Cooper could die in. I am not going to pretend that’s pleasant. But 70 mph? Any wind I’ve driven faster than does not intimidate me. I used to rally the horses at 12 years old in winds over 70mph to get them in the barn before the latest tornado whipped through. I helped shutter the resort in the BVI as the Category 5 hurricane rolled in. Even in Topanga, 70 mile per hour gusts were not uncommon in Santa Ana events. We had our single pane windows shatter more than once from debris in the wind. We taped cardboard up and went to sleep. That “70 mph” was all I needed to hear to confirm our next project: we were going to build a catio for these cats, and we were going to do it on the pre-existing porch structure to save time and money. We spent a week framing out the structure. We had to carve into the logs of the house to embed the wood supports for the framing.

And from there, every piece of wood was custom carved and cut to fit around the existing timber supports. The existing porch was so wildly uneven that there are gaps between each piece of old wood and the new framing. Our plan is to mix all the wood chips from the project with mortar/chinking and stuff the gaps — a good solution for the log cabin look. We built a plywood pony wall up to 28 inches from the interior of the porch, which gives a height of ~4-5ft from the exterior ground below. It’s capped with a 2x6” railing for even the fluffiest of cats to find a perch. The exterior will be wrapped with corrugated metal that we’ll quick-age to match the metal that wraps the bottom of the cabin. On the interior of the porch, we’ll use shiplap to hide the framing.

The screens themselves can withstand winds up to 120 mph, but to-be-determined if they can hold the weight of a growing maniac cat who has already tried to climb them. In the event the screens succumb to cat (or wind or snow or neighbor judgment) we’ll reinforce with metal mesh. We’re going to maintain this screen porch regardless of what the screen is. We had the pleasure of running into one of our more industrious neighbors the other day, and Ben asked him, “hey we’re building a screen porch. Is this a terrible idea?” He laughed. “Well you’re definitely the first.” But he liked it. Great way to diminish wind into the house. Simple way to regulate the temperature with massive south-facing windows. And indeed a practical outdoor safe haven for cats in predator territory. Just because you’re the first doesn’t mean you’re foolish — just foolhardy. There’s plenty of that here. This town has the typical mountain town’s truncated version of a colonizers’ history: “established 1881.” But it was plenty established prior to that by the Uncompahgre Band of the Ute Nation, removed by the U.S. Army on September 7, 1881, nearly 140 years ago. The government relocated the Uncompahgre Ute People to Utah, and one year after the Ute were forcibly removed from their ancestral land, San Miguel County split off from Ouray County and was made its own political subdivision in the newly-formed State of Colorado. In 1879, the ore-laden valley already had 50 people living in it, with a new narrow gauge railway only 2 miles away. By 1885, it was a town of 200 people. There was a hotel, a couple saloons, a pool hall. Winters were treacherous; the valley was and is prone to avalanches. But where there’s gold, there’s gumption. The power needed to run the stamp mill to process ore drove innovation. Timber was scarce at such high elevations, so a wood powered steam mill wouldn’t cut it. But the San Miguel River just a few miles down from the mine looked promising. Thus began the development and construction of the Ames Hydroelectric Generating Plant. It was a hit. In fact, it was so successful that the Ames Plant led to the adoption of alternating currents at Niagara Falls and eventually to being adopted worldwide as a viable power solution. The plant remains, but the gold rush obviously didn’t. By 1940, the U.S. Census declared this little town I call home as tied for the lowest population in the country: 2 people. By 1960, it was one of four incorporated towns in the U.S. with no residents. But the joke was on the Census — the town’s single resident was just out of town the day the census came through. 1960 population: 1. By 1980 the population grew to 38, 69 in 1990, and about 180 now. (Plus 51 dogs according to the town’s website.) With modern amenities, it’s easier to be here. Studded snow tires, satellite internet, solar panels, instant coffee. No matter the hardships, there’s the reality of the present. In the 1880s, as the town boomed, the Ouray Times declared, “it will be at no distant day a far more pretentious town than it is now.” That day hasn’t exactly arrived, but I guess it depends on what you consider pretentious. I don’t think the town claims any airs of excellence beyond what’s true. In fact, the town hardly claims anything at all. There’s no sign indicating it’s even here. There’s just the old side and the new side. The new side, the Eastern half, was drawn out in the early 1990s, some 100 years later, and is separated from the Old Town by an avalanche zone—preserved open space for hiking in the summer, preserved open space for surviving in the winter. The town forbids short-term rentals, no one has a fence, dogs roam free, and all the houses have that cabin look to them. A boulder nests in a grove near a trailhead in the center of town with a plaque paying respect to the Utes who called this valley home. There’s no industry here. No businesses allowed. If you want a $7 latte, you can drive the 14 miles required to get it, assuming there’s not an avalanche blocking your path. You can, however, buy a pink lemonade in a

solo cup at the permanent lemonade stand run by the local feral child mafia. Crystals (rocks) can be purchased for an additional cost. We bought one, hoping to buy favor at the same time. The town plan has a few guiding principles, and it’s all in the name of preservation. We must preserve: 1 - the quiet atmosphere 2 - the rustic character 3 - the natural setting

And finally: 4 - protect the health and wellbeing of the people here No snowmobiles, no ATVs, no drones. In fact, the only sign of the outside world here are the passers-through. When you take the dirt road through town to the end, you enter National Forest, and you can hike over the pass saddle at nearly 12,000 feet before descending down the other side into Silverton. The pass road climbs rutted through an aspen forest before scaling across a scree field and then lurching over to the other side. Every day, it seems like 30 or so Texans and Arizonans in lifted and loud Jeeps with unused mods climb over this mountain in the comfort of their air conditioning, simply to drive down the other side. You could hike it, ride it, run it, and ski it, but they don’t. They rev their engines, kicking up dust in a town of feral children and roaming dogs, staring at us instead of waving. I’ve lived here for two months and look how salty I am. I’ll fit in yet. But today, there is a temperature that whispers of perfect trails and the dwindling of ogglers driving 35 in a 15. It’s already snowed in the mountains we see from our kitchen. Today, like a dedication to the Septembers of our youth, you can feel a chill in the air. A temperature akin to pencils and sweaters and reinventing yourself. A temperature that doesn’t exactly sing “screen porch” but could if you had the right slippers on. That’s what I did this morning: put my slippers on and sat there in the cool mountain morning air, thinking about the cemetery behind our house, about the Ute tribe, about the miners, about the mailman who died on Christmas in 1875 on the pass, about the 5 people who died in avalanches here just last year, about the people in their cars on their phones driving through, and all the people who’s very first question to us was, “so are you gonna live here part-time or full-time?” Maybe it will be a hard place to live. But at least we’ll have a screen porch.

Every week I'm writing about moving to log cabin in a small town at 10,000 feet. Subscribe here for free: tinyletter.com/keltonwrites

never want to go back (to the way things were)

The house is just as quiet and still as Buck expected, and he breathes in the scent he’s come to know as home more than the distinct smell of his own apartment. What he does not expect is Eddie, wild-haired and shirtless, rounding the corner from the kitchen wielding a baseball bat. Buck instinctively brings his arms up to defend himself as Eddie realizes it’s just Buck and drops the bat.

“Christ, Buck!” Eddie hisses.

“Sorry!” Buck shoots back in a whisper. “I didn’t think anyone would be awake. I was just gonna crash on your couch.”

In which Buck shows up at the Diaz house after a nightmare, Eddie is already awake, and the two finally get their shit together. All before 5:30 in the morning.

read on ao3 | word count: 1,699

tags: Post-Canon, Nightmares, Buck and Eddie have nightmares and Feelings, Getting Together, First Kiss, Idiots in Love, Ana and Taylor are briefly mentioned, Fluff, Minor Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, mostly comfort

Buck knows it’s a terrible idea. It’s 4:30 in the morning, his shift (and Eddie’s first one back after being shot) starts at 8, and he’s driving to Eddie’s house. It’s also a bad idea because Buck feels so off-kilter he definitely should not be behind the wheel right now, but there was really only one place he wanted to be, one place he knew would get him back to feeling remotely okay.

The Diaz residence.

When Buck pulls up, parking behind Eddie’s truck, he realizes the kitchen light is on. He figures Eddie forgot to turn it off before heading off to bed. Lord knows it wouldn’t be the first time, and it’ll make things easier for Buck. He’s not technically breaking in because he’s had a key for ages, but now he won’t have to worry about sneaking around in the dark. Buck turns his Jeep off and digs his keys out of his pocket as he walks up the path. Despite how shaky he feels, Buck easily slides his key into the lock, giving the doorknob that specific jiggle it needs to open on the first try and easily sliding the key back out as he opens the door. The house is just as quiet and still as Buck expected, and he breathes in the scent he’s come to know as home more than the distinct smell of his own apartment. What he does not expect is Eddie, wild-haired and shirtless, rounding the corner from the kitchen wielding a baseball bat. Buck instinctively brings his arms up to defend himself as Eddie realizes it’s just Buck and drops the bat.

“Christ, Buck!” Eddie hisses.

“Sorry!” Buck shoots back in a whisper. “I didn’t think anyone would be awake. I was just gonna crash on your couch.”

“At 4:30 in the morning?” Eddie demands. He looks like he’s about to say something else, but then he scans Buck up and down, taking in his ragged appearance. “Buck, you know you’re always welcome here, but what’s got you out of bed and miles from your apartment this early?”

“I don’t suppose we can pretend I was just sneaking in to make breakfast for you and Chris?” Buck tries. Eddie fixes him with a look and Buck deflates. “Didn’t think so. I had a nightmare,” After his reluctant admission, he fixes Eddie with a nearly identical look. “What about you? You’re up, too. And as you’ve mentioned, it’s 4:30 in the morning.”

“You’re not the only one who had a nightmare.” Eddie admits. “I guess with my first shift finally here, it’s stirring up some… stuff.” Eddie knows that elaborating on that would be the healthy thing to do, but with Buck, he knows he doesn’t have to.

“I’m not really sure what my excuse is,” Buck says.

“Buck, you watched me get shot,” Eddie tells him. “You had to physically wipe my blood off your face. That’s as good an excuse as any.” Buck doesn’t look convinced. “Come grab a cup of coffee and sit with me on the couch, Buck. I don’t think either of us is getting back to sleep. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s probably a good time to talk through everything.” Buck makes a noise of agreement and follows Eddie to the kitchen. He pulls out his favorite mug and the one he knows Eddie uses every time it’s clean, and Eddie starts the coffeemaker. The pair moves seamlessly together even sleep-deprived, and both Buck and Eddie are struck not for the first time by how natural it feels.

“So,” Buck says when they’re both seated on the couch, steaming mugs in hand, “what’s got you up?” Eddie shoots Buck an unimpressed look that says don’t try to get out of talking but he answers.

“A jumbled mess of a nightmare, really. I don’t remember a lot of that day very clearly, but my brain pieces it together. Sometimes Christopher’s there. Sometimes you’re down, too.” Eddie tells Buck. “It’s… a lot.”

“I remember more than I’d like,” Buck says quietly, and Eddie can feel his heart breaking. But he stays quiet, knowing that Buck has a hard time opening up about things like this, still feels like he’s being a burden by confiding. “But sometimes my brain adds things in anyway. I see Christopher there some nights, too. A lot of nights, you don’t make it off the street alive.” Buck looks absolutely broken at the thought, and Eddie can see that he’s about to send himself into a panic reliving the nightmares.

“Hey,” Eddie says, hoping he isn’t crossing a line as he sets his coffee mug down and reaches for Buck’s hand, placing it directly over his heart. “Feel that? I’m okay.” He swears Buck visibly relaxes at the steady thumping of Eddie’s heart under his hand.

“Thanks,” Buck mumbles sheepishly, pulling his hand back. There’s an unreadable expression on his face, and Eddie’s worried he’s screwed up, crossed a line he shouldn’t have. But the next moment the expression is gone, replaced by Buck groaning softly and scrubbing a hand across his face. He sets his coffee mug next to Eddie’s and lets himself fall back against the couch with a soft oof, hands coming to rest across his belly. “I just wish I could get a full night’s sleep.” Eddie knows how he feels, remembering many nightmares and movie nights since he’d been shot that ended with Christopher shaking both him and Buck awake with the end credits rolling.

“I really thought I’d be fine,” Eddie admits after a moment, settling back against the couch next to Buck. “I really thought I’d have it totally handled. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve been shot. And like I said in the hospital, this was by no means my closest call.”

“You don’t get to choose how things affect you, Eds. I know that better than most,” Buck says with a wry chuckle. “I just… I don’t know. I can’t help but feel selfish.”

“Buck, you have nothing to feel selfish about,” Eddie says earnestly. “It was a traumatic situation all around, whatever your involvement.” Buck wants to argue, but sees the look on Eddie’s face and decides he’d better not.

“Eddie, I- I don’t know what I would’ve done if you-“ Buck chokes out. He doesn’t even need to finish the sentence, because Eddie knows exactly what he means. Feels the same way every time their roles are reversed and it’s Buck’s life hanging in the balance.

“But I didn’t,” Eddie reminds him firmly. “Buck, I’m not letting anything take me away from you. I said I’d have your back our first shift together, and I meant it. Forever.” Buck’s eyes meet Eddie’s, and they are full of hope. Wishing so badly that the words that have just come out of Eddie’s mouth mean what he wants them to.

“I, uh, I broke up with Taylor,” Buck blurts out, and kicks himself immediately. What a way to ruin the moment. “Well, I guess we broke up with each other. We’re way better as friends. We can’t- we were never going to be able to be what the other needed.” Buck says the last part while looking directly into Eddie’s eyes. Eddie, in a turn of events that surprises Buck to no end, looks relieved. Buck wasn’t sure what he expected, but it wasn’t that, and it makes that hope return tenfold. He is suddenly kicking himself for not figuring things out with Taylor closer to Eddie breaking things off with Ana nearly a month earlier.

“Buck, if I’m reading this wrong, we can pretend this never happened, chalk it up to exhaustion and go back to normal,” Eddie says.

“And if you’re not reading it wrong?” Buck challenges, sitting up a little and scooting impossibly closer to Eddie.

“Then I never want things to go back to the way they were,” Eddie all but whispers.

“Eds, can I… can I kiss you?” Buck asks softly. Eddie nods, a smile spreading across his lips.

When their lips meet, it feels like magic to both of them. The kiss quickly turns into both of them grinning like little kids against each others’ lips, and Buck can’t help but think that he’s finally figured out exactly where he was meant to be. Eddie wishes it hadn’t taken him getting shot and giving them what almost feels like joint nightmares for them to finally get here, but he realizes he’d do it all again if it got them right to this moment. Both men are content to sit as close as they can on the couch until they have to get up to get Christopher ready in the morning, but when a yawn from Buck in the middle of a kiss makes them both laugh, they remember just how little sleep they’ve gotten.

“Come to bed with me?” Eddie asks Buck. Buck grins.

“This was so not the way I imagined you saying that to me for the first time,” he says, and Eddie laughs and shoves him lightly. “That sounds perfect.” Eddie stands first, taking his and Buck’s still mostly full coffee mugs and depositing them in the sink. Buck trails behind and takes the opportunity to look over the fridge, finding new pieces of Christopher’s artwork and recent good grades hanging there, most of them under magnets from a set that Buck had gotten Chris for his last birthday. Eddie knows that he’ll ask Chris about each drawing and assignment or test in the morning, and his heart swells.

“Come on, let’s go to sleep,” Eddie says, wrapping his arms around Buck’s waist and pushing himself up just a little so he can rest his chin on Buck’s shoulder. Buck twists to press a kiss to Eddie’s temple, and they are both struck by the ease of it all. Neither of them are willing to let go of each other, so they don’t, walking arm in arm to Eddie’s bedroom and falling into bed all tangled limbs and soft smiles.

It is the best night’s sleep either of them thinks they have ever gotten.

Questions and Answers From Your OC!

From the perspective of your OC (if you want). Do this as many times are you would like to and answer as many as you would like!

I was tagged by the ever so lovely @officalroyalsofpierreland​ and @trentonsimblr (So sorry that I’m just now getting to this) and I’m going to tag anyone who wants to do it! 

I’m very fond of Douxie right now, and he’s still of a box full of questions, so I’ll do him! 

1) What is your favorite sport?

I’m not very much into sports actually. If I have the time, I do enjoy going down to the pool and swimming laps.

2) What is your favorite color?

To be quite honest, I’m not sure. I’m very fond of green and light blue for reasons I’m not quite sure I understand, but I do tend to wear black more than anything.

3) What is your favorite movie?

Growing up my favorite movie was The Sleeping Princess (old, but one of my mothers’s favorites) but as of right now... I’m not quite sure to be honest. I think the last movie I watched was at a premiere for work. 

4) Taken? Single?

Taken. Very much taken by Ana. You could say that I’m... taken for life? 

5) What would be your perfect day?

No work. No filming. No press events. No press tours. A breakfast at the local cafe that I’ve been dying to go to. Take Annie out. Go for a walk together. See a movie. Take her to a fancy restaurant for dinner. Grab some ice cream. Very simple, I feel.

6) Are you a night owl or an early bird?

Oh, how I would love to be a night owl. Unfortunately, my schedule at the moment doesn’t allow for me to be a night owl, so I am an early bird. 

7) Do you think you're smart?

Heavens no. I barely managed to graduate high school on time. My mothers think I am, but they’re the ones who had to watch me struggle through nearly 13 years of math class. 

10) How do you like to be comforted when you are sad?

Chocolates help. And hugs. Great big hugs never hurt. 

11) Where do you want to be in 5 years time?

Standing at the end of the aisle at the very least. At the most? I personally wouldn’t be opposed to some tiny little ones running around.  

12) Do you have any regrets?

Not meeting Annie again sooner.

13) Who are/is your best friend(s)?

My dearest friend is Cody. We’ve known each other for ages and talk quite often. Our schedules are often very contradictory so we don’t see each other face to face very often, but we have a very good time when we do.

14) What was your dream last night?

A very good one. 

15) Who in your family are you closest to?

My mothers, without question. They’ve seen me through highs and lows and I honestly don’t know what I would do without them.

16) What is one thing people don't know about you?

There’s actually a third tattoo..., it’s just hidden out of sight. It has a very important meaning to me though, which is why I got it.

17) Best present ever given to you?

I’m not sure. Annie did get me a signed copy of my favorite book last Winterfest (Watcher knows how she managed to do that, the author’s been with the Reaper for at least 30 years now), so that’s one of them I’d have to say. 

18) What is your favorite food?

Any food made by my Maman. She’s an excellent chef and anytime I’m home for dinner, is completely and utterly worth it. 

19) Earliest childhood memory?

My cousin being a complete bully to me. 

20) Do you have a crush?

I always have a crush on Annie.

21) If you could live in a different period, which one would it be?

I’m rather content in this time period. The fashion of the 17th century is nice, but I’d rather stay here. Those coats look hot. 

22) Any nicknames?

Douxie. Doux’. One of my little cousins once called me Hisi while trying to get my attention and that’s certainly a nickname I am not fond of. 

23) Introvert or Extrovert?

A combination really. Some days I’m an introvert, some days I’m an extrovert. It depends on what’s happening. 

24) Favourite book?

The End of the Beginning by Sarah Laurite. It’s my favourite book series.

25) Hobby?

Playing guitar, mostly. I haven’t been able to find the time for it, but perhaps one of these days I’ll surprise Ana with a guitar song. Perhaps. 

26) Beach or pool?

I haven’t gone to the beach in ages! I’m not a fan of sand, but I do enjoy going down to the pool when I can.

27) First kiss? 

Yes. For privacy’s sake, I won’t share who it was, but I was 12? Maybe 11? 

28) Favourite subject

Art was always my favorite subject in school. That or theatre classes when I got to high school.

29) Age

26.

30) Full name

Hisirdoux Michael Caspersen.

31) Pets?

One black cat who’s fond of roasted salmon who goes by the name of Archie.

32) Age (if they have one)?

Arch is almost 9 years old!

33) Fave song?

I don’t believe that I have one.

34) Where do you live?

Carrington. For privacy’s sake, I won’t say anything more than that.

35) What/who do you miss?

I do desperately miss my late grandmother. She passed away when I was fairly young and I would have loved the opportunity to spend more time with her. 

36) Which school(s) do/did you go to?

On set-school mostly, in conjuction with the Nimben School of the Arts in downtown Bilchester. Growing up I went to Hartford Primary before I was cast.

37) Favorite food? 

Still anything made by my Maman, but also Ana’s baked sweets.

38) Tattoo?

Yes. 3. And more planned.

39) Done anything illegal?

Heavens no.

40) Fav TV show?

CABN’s Texelin Street. Haven’t missed an episode yet.

41) Do you know any celebrities?

Yes, my girlfriend. Other than her? Also yes.

42) Dreams/wishes?

To be able to retire from acting and Simwood and not have to worry about life on set or the tabloid magazines for 5 minutes.

43) Are you very competitive?

Only when I’m pushed to be competitive.

44) Greatest gift (could be a physical gift or a spiritual gift)?

Being adopted by my mothers and being able to have such a loving family and girlfriend.

45) Greatest accomplishment?

Getting cast in my first movie, I suppose.

46) If you were stuck on a desert island, who would you be stuck with?

Can I pick two? Annie and Cody. My girlfriend and best friend and my best friend.

47) Zodiac sign

Scorpio

48) Where were you born?

My birth certificate says that I was born at the Exeter General Hospital.

49) Sexuality?

Straight. 

50) What color are your eyes?

I’ve been informed by several sources that they are green. 

51) What color is your hair?

Black.

52) Do you want/ have kids?

Yes. I would love to have several children one day, hopefully in the near future.

53) when is your birthday?

November 18th.

54) Current mood?

Relaxed. Happy. Nervous. Excited.

55) Do you send goodnight or good morning texts to people?

Depends on who it is.

56) What do you want to be when you grow up/ what is your occupation?

I’m an actor right now. In the future I want to take a step towards the director and producers chairs though.

57) How long do you sleep for?

However long my schedule will allow. 

58) How long does it take you to get up in the morning?

Usually right away, but when I have the time... 20 minutes?

59) How long does it take you to get ready?

5 minutes.

60) Meyer Briggs personality type?

ISFP

The Mosley Review: Army of the Dead

What happened to the zombie film genre? Why are zombie films so far and inbetween? I remember a time when zombie films used to be plentiful. They had the same plot of survival, but they would also go into different pockets of film genres and it was so much fun. I guess Hollywood decided to move on as the genre became too plentiful and The Walking Dead tv series took over. The 2004 version of Dawn of the Dead is and will always be one of my favorite zombie films because of its introduction of running zombies. The tension was insane, the gore was brutal and I loved the innovation of showing a new rule of if you're bitten and you're pregnant, then expect a zombie baby. The film introduced the world to Zack Snyder and I've been waiting for him to return to the genre and this was a fantastically gory return. Right from the beginning of the film, the film takes you through an epic, bloody, tragic, explosive and unique story driven montage that sets up the tone and style. I love that the film didn’t shy away from making the story almost reflect our current world and it was almost scary how close the parallels were. This film also takes the zombie genre to next level by making not just monsters, but smarter and more human like. The great George A. Romero touched on it in Land of the Dead and I think he would approve of how Zack has evolved the concept.

Dave Bautista was excellent as Scott Ward. He gets another chance to blend his action prowess with his more dramatic acting abilities which have drastically improved. There are moments in the film where he broke my heart. Ella Purnell was great as his estranged daughter Kate and I loved the dynamic between them. You can feel the tension and the love they have and you hope for them to reconnect amongst the madness. Ana de la Reguera was good as Scott's friend Maria Cruz and I liked the chemistry between them. Theo Rossi is always great and he was good as the douche bag security guard Burt. Hiroyuki Sanada was fun as Bly Tanaka and he brought a bit of class to the film. Garret Dillahunt was perfectly slimy and untrustworthy as Tanaka's right hand man Martin. Nora Arnezeder was cool as Lily and she delivers the new lore and rules of the zombies that have taken over Las Vegas. Tig Notaro was fun as Marianne. She had a number of good quips in the film, but I didn't find her as hilarious as she could've been. Raúl Castillo and Samantha Win were great as Mikey Guzman and his friend Chambers. Mikey was all about the YouTube fame, but Chambers was secretly the most badass at killing zombies in one best action scenes I've seen all year. Richard Cetrone was awesome as the ruler of all the zombies Zeus. He exudes so much power in every movement he makes and he gives an emotional depth to an otherwise simple villain in the wrong hands. Athena Perample was equally fun and strong as his Queen. Now the ones that nearly stole the film for me were Omari Hardwick as Vanderohe and Matthias Schweighöfer as Ludwig Dieter. Once both of them arrive on screen and are paired together, it is comedy gold. They immediately play off the classic trope of the muscle and the brains working together. The weird, hilarious and nerdy bond the two of them have is just too much for this film to handle.

The score by Tom Holkenborg was excellent and most epic towards the last 30 minutes of the film. Like I said before, the opening montage was beyond fantastic and Richard Cheese's cover of Viva Las Vegas was a showstopper. The action in the film was excellent and features one of the best and most satisfyingly gory kills by a tiger I've ever seen. Writer and Director Zack Snyder has made a fantastic and fun zombie action heist film that will quench your thirst for blood and keep you entertained the whole time. This is definitely one of his best original films in years and I can’t recommend it enough. The Netflix original is now streaming. Let me know what you thought of the film or my review in the comments below. Thanks for reading!

Prompts: 4. “Why are you lying to me?” “Forget it, you’re a fucking asshole.”

Pairing: Angel Reyes x Ana ( @hennessyauntie​ ) 

Warnings: Angst, arguing, worry of cheating 

Word count: 947

***I hope you like it beautiful ❤️ ***

You sighed and rubbed your temples as Angel continued to try and defend himself.

“I’m telling you, it’s nothing Ana! She’s just a fuckin’ associate of the club. There’s nothing else going on!”

Angel was exasperated, trying desperately to convince you that there was nothing happening with him Adelita. Angel did not tell you much about what he and the club did, sheltering you from the bulk of it. You were not a stupid girl, despite the age difference. You were smart and loyal and always protective over Angel, and there was an unspoken knowledge that you knew it was more than that. Angel never clarified though, and you never inquired.

Except now.

He was on a run he had said. Off over the border with the club. He had told you that he would not be back for another three days, so you were shocked when you had found out through Chucky that they were back already. That confusion had transformed into shock with then turned into anger, Angel guiltily returning home to plead his case. Things had been tense to say the least, you still upset and confused at to why he would lie. The straw that broke the camel’s back had been tonight though. It was nearly three in the morning and you had been woken up by an unfamiliar ringing from a phone that wasn’t on the nightstand charging. Angel had slept through it and you had followed the sound until you found a brand-new burner you had never seen before inside his kutte, kept away from you unlike his usual cell. Having had enough, you had answered it, only to be told to tell Angel to call back. The female voice with an accent had stopped then as she hung up.

Now you were here.

“What do you mean there’s nothing going on? She called you at 2:30 in the morning on a burner that you were keeping hidden while you’re in bed with me after you just lied about where you were! Business associates don’t wake you up in the middle of the night, and if they did, they’d be calling Bishop, not you.”

Your voice was raised now, unable to believe that he was still trying to lie his way out of the situation rather than just be truthful. Your tight curls bounced and swayed as you moved your head, your irritation animating you. He had been happy to back with you and see your beautiful face, by his own hand that face now held anger and suspicion. Still, he continued, now trying to shift the blame.

“Why were you going in my kutte anyway?! Answering my phone and shit, invading my privacy. What makes you think you can interfere when it comes to the MC?”

You stared at him blankly, in shock that he would try and turn everything around on you. Your mouth was open as you tried to let your brain process the fact that he was trying to make you answer for your actions while not answering for his. With a shake of your head, you continued looking at him, shoulders dropping from their defensive position now sagging.

“Why are you lying to me?”

You glared as you tried to will him into simply being honest. He stayed quiet though, lips tight and nose flaring. Your voice was tired when you spoke again.

“Forget it, you’re a fucking asshole.”

With that you turned away from him, your anger and adrenaline far too high for you to sleep. You were walking to the back window then, opening the blinds to watch the lightning in the sky and listen to the rain in hopes that it would calm you. Angel’s footsteps following you told you that wasn’t going to happen though. He stood behind you for a minute, maybe expecting you to turn and face him. When you didn’t, he sighed and stepped closer until you could feel him right behind you. The subtle height difference allowed him to peer over the top of your head and watch the rainfall as well.

“I’m not cheating. I know that’s what you think, but you’re wrong.”

Your soft scoff was all he got in response and he sighed, knowing that if he was going to get out of this, he was going to need to come clean.

“She’s an associated. Not of the club really, not yet. I lied about that. The club can’t know that we’re dealing with her. It’s me, Coco, and Gilly. I got the burner so I could talk to her privately and not risk any of the club members finding out. I’m not hiding it from you, I’m hiding it from them.”

You turned around slowly to face him, your eyes cautious, wondering if you should believe him.

“She can help the club get on the right track. Make things so that they’re not so dangerous. “I’m just trying to do what’s best for the club. Best for us. I don’t want you getting tainted by it, that’s why I keep it from you.”

With a sigh, you shook your head.

“That’s all you needed to say, Angel. Just tell me the truth.”

The Mayan nodded, reaching to cradle your face in his hands, his thumbs running over the apples of your cheeks. It was dark, only the moonlight illuminating the two of you with random lightning, but he could see the frustration in your dark eyes. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to your cheek, your skin soft under his lips.

“I’m sorry, Ana.”

You nodded as he looked at you.

“Stop keeping things from me and lying to me.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

Fictober Day 4: “Fine, I Give Up” Original Characters

Trigger warning: blood, kidnapping

“Shit,” I hiss as I duck into an alleyway, nearly running my friend Callisto over in my haste. With an elegance only she possesses, she pulls us both away from the road and against the grey stone building. As we get settled, I see my other two friends, Arys and Thia, scrambling to do the same. Arys, the tall, dark eyed, blonde fighter and love of my life, cleanly picks up the petite elf and deposits them both in the alleyway on the other side of the street. 

I peek over the corner at the figure Thia has just pointed out- a hulking creature dressed all in black. Bless your cleric’s good eyes, I thank her goddess, Ioun.

Ana, what’s going on? Arys mouths at me. The figure- Nox- turns as if somehow hearing her. We both dart behind our walls again. I can scarcely breathe. I see Callisto giving me one of her trademark raised eyebrows out of the corner of my eye, but she doesn’t say anything. Nox however, does.

“Anastasia Rosehill,” he announces. “I know you’re here. You won’t be getting out of this again. Your parents are paying good money to see their beloved daughter home. Stop running.”

Stop running. The words rattle in my mind, and I look over at Arys, who’s readying her sword for combat, and Thia, in the midst of a prayer. It’s time.

“Don’t get involved,” I whisper to Callisto. “And don’t let them-” I jerk my thumb at the other two- “get involved either. This is between me and him.”

“What the hell are you doing, Snow?” the exiled druid growls, grabbing my arm. I grimace, extract my arm from her iron grip, and step out into the street. 

“Fine,” I shout at Nox. “I give up.”

He locks eyes with me and smiles. Thia has dimples. Callisto’s smile makes her squint. Arys looks like the sun has taken human form. Nox looks sick.

He takes a step towards me, but I hold my hand up to stop him.

“I never said I’d go with you. Just that I’m done running. Take a message back to my parents- my name is Ana Snow, and I’m never seeing them again.”

“I’m not a messenger boy, Miss Rosehill.”

“Well, then the options in front of us are: you turn around right now and deliver my message, or my friends pick you up off the ground, give you a health potion, and you turn around and deliver my message. The only way I’m going with you is if you’re dragging my unconscious body across the continent.”

“Sleeping quarry is easier. Let’s do that.”

I close the 30 foot distance between us instantly, drawing my rapier. The villagers between us retreat and scurry down alleyways and into shopfronts. I lunge for Nox, and my blade finds its way through his armor. He roars and slashes at me with his own blade. His attack carves into my right arm. It’s definitely laced with something- I feel like I’m on fire. He keeps coming. Nothing is in focus. My left ribs cry out as they kiss steel. My blue vest is purple, my white shirt red. I try a spell- reaching into the magic around me and conjuring an orchestra of bagpipes next to his ear. It works. He stumbles backwards, swearing. His sword drops from his hand as he tries to muffle a noise that doesn’t exist. I wish I let Thia teach me some healing magic.

“Give up?” I ask. I try to sound chipper. Coppery blood is dripping from my mouth. Nox grabs his crossbow and points it at me. An arrow shaft now protrudes from my left shoulder. I’m not holding my sword anymore. I’m on the ground. 

But I’m still conscious. 

I let him come to 15 feet from me before I scream. The air waves ripple as the sonic wave sweeps from me and slams into him. The thunderous spell can be heard all around the town. All I’m concerned with is that Nox is thrown ten feet back. When he regains his footing, he is limping and bloodied, a furious expression on his face. I keep mine light and mocking as he approaches.

The last thing I hear is my friends calling my name.

30 Day Thinspo Challenge?

* Your stats.

A: I don’t really weigh myself, but I might start to?

* How tall are you, do you like your height?

A: 5′9... Erm, I kind of like my height I guess? Everyone in my family is tall so it wasn’t unexpected.

* A picture of your thinspo. What features do you like about this person?

A: I can’t add photos to the post but I’ll post a picture later 🙂

* Your greatest fears about weight loss.

A: I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about weight loss with ED’s, but I think the worst is about how it effects your heart and your life span really.

* Why do you want to lose weight? Are you doing it for you?

A: I am doing it for me. I mean, being called fat for over 15 years has a bad effect on your mental health I guess especially your body image so...

* Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

A: YES! It’s my biggest problem. I think the hunger gets too much for me sometimes and I end up eating everything in sight... I also think that’s why I’ve put on weight recently, because I’ve had a good few weeks of binging.

* Do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care?

A: No. They don’t. I think they would care if I said I was trying to though? Last time I said I had an ED my Mum completely dismissed me so...

* Your workout routine.

A: I don’t really have one? I just go with whatever on the daily.

* Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

A: Yes. I answered this in a previous question, but I was called fat for over 15 years which ended up in me nearly having an attempt over it.

* What was the hardest thing you gave up during this weight loss?

A: Last time? probably eating sweets and stuff like that. Sounds like a generic answer, but y’know... It’s true.

* Your favourite thinspo blog and why.

A: I don’t have one? So the general ED section on here.

* What do you normally eat?

A: Not much, I’ve not really eaten properly in years.

* Are you losing weight in a healthy way or an unhealthy way?

A: It started out healthy I guess? Now my diet is a train wreck 😌

* What’s your UGW? When do you expect to reach it?

A: I don’t really know. I don’t know my weight now. And I’ll probably never reach it tbh.

* Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you to lose weight? If no, do you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?

A: I’m not, but I think I’d probably consider it 🙃

* When did you first decide to lose weight?

A: It really does sound bad, but 11. I was 11 years old.

* Do you have an ED?

A: Yes, Bulimia... It’s actual living hell sometimes.

* What food is your weakness?

A: If we’re talking a fear food, probably ice cream or anything really fatty? Otherwise, no idea.

* When was the last time you ate fast food?

A: Yesterday. I really need to eat less than I do 😒

* Favourite diet?

A: Again, I’m not sure?

* What are your clothing sizes?

A: Ah, A size 10 in jeans and a 12 in like tops and stuff 😐

* What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?

A: I think it was probably the picture I posted yesterday. I gained because my school were watching me like hawks...

* Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?

A: Not really, bullying did though...

* How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia?

A: My teenage years in a nutshell 👌🏻

* Have you ever purged? If you have, describe your first experience.

A: Have you ever had a glass of whiskey? That burning sensation in your throat? That was my experience with it 🔥

* What excites you most about reaching your UGW?

A: I don’t have one, but probably that I can be like normal girls and not get bullied about my weight.

* How do you deal with being around food?

A: I’m not yet at that point where it scares me, so it’s pretty easy at the moment .

* Do you want a thigh gap? Why?

A: I do, but I don’t think I have the bone structure for it so... 🍖

ana reads bnha ch99

previous chapter here first chapter here next chapter here

Two today to make up for skipping on Shouto’s b-day sorrynotsorry

Omg, Hori really just is messing with all us, isn’t he?

Freaking ICONIC. I’m sorry, I’m just dicking around in this chapter, but this is awesome. Shows that, somehow in his life. Shouto became really handy. I’m not sure what with Endeavor would have facilitated that or if it’s a hobby…actually, more likely is that Shouto just watched one youtube video and was like, yep, got it, and then did all this perfectly on the first try. I BET you that’s what happened.

God, Uraraka is such a good friend! Mediating all this and comforting everyone. But also, I love Tsu. This whole thing feels so teenage, haha, but there really is something about the group dynamic of school. I went to a conservatory-style college program, which meant that I had about 30 people in my class for all four years and we were intimate. Many of us still are, 3 years after graduating. And when something is off in that dynamic, when something major has happened, it reverberates through the whole class. Sure, some people won’t care, some won’t be affected, but it’s front of mind for most. So this whole scene makes a lot of sense to me and I’m happy it was included. We don’t get nearly enough content of these characters just being teens with their dumb teen drama.

Overall: Okay, say it with me: Sero was robbed! Yes, everyone will die on the hill that Sero should have won. I personally think either Sero or Todoroki, and that’s not my bias talking! His room looked really good—although honestly, where’s the bed???—and he had to go through a lot of physical labor to get it there. They both get a 10/10. But, at the same time, I’m glad that Satou won because—within these class dynamics that I was speaking about above—it can really suck to feel like you’re outside of the core group in the class. There are kind of rings to popularity and if you’re hovering in one of those middle to outer rings, it feels like a bummer. So I’m glad he got some appreciation.

Speaking of class, though. Uraraka is clearly in a very different financial situation from any of her classmates. And these kinds of things where that’s put on display can be very eye opening for people on both sides. But it can also be embarrassing for people on Uraraka’s side and, if they’re in the minority, it can really make them feel like they don’t belong. So I hope that she knows how amazing she is regardless (I saw the tea and cookies she set out for company, omg, what a sweetheart) an that everyone else learns a little something about privilege <3

Star, November 30

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Kelly Clarkson getting married again 

Page 1: As Britons marked Remembrance Day Prince Harry and Meghan Markle arrived at Los Angeles National Cemetery to pay their respects and lay flowers from the garden at their new $14.6 million spread in Montecito but the controversial couple almost immediately came under fire for yet another misstep -- their biggest gaffe was hiring celebrity fashion photographer Lee Morgan to snap their supposedly private visit -- the visit comes on the heels of a report that Harry requested and was refused that a wreath in his name be laid at London’s Cenotaph during a royal ceremony that day so while the visit to the cemetery in L.A. was meant to show respect it was also Harry’s way of telling his family that if they’re going to be petty and exclude him then he’ll do it his way 

Page 2: Contents, Miranda Lambert 

Page 4: Larsa Pippen spills the tea -- Larsa says Kanye West kept her from BFF Kim Kardashian 

Page 5: Julianne Hough came out as sexually fluid while married to Brooks Laich and now that the two have split Julianne is exploring lady love

* Speculation has been ongoing about who will take over hosting Jeopardy! after Alex Trebek passed away and one frontrunner is former champ Ken Jennings and other names in the mix include hockey announcer Alex Faust and Laura Coates of CNN

Page 6: The Bachelorette OG Trista Sutter recently revealed that producers of her televised 2003 wedding to Ryan Sutter planned to up the drama for better ratings -- admitting that a pal discovered a crew member’s notebook during the three-day festivities and showrunners had compiled dossiers on her guests in hopes of pitting them against each other

* Bodyguard Mark “Billy” Billingham has opened up about his 18 months protecting one of the most famous broods in Hollywood much to Angelina Jolie’s dismay -- he was hired by Angie and then-husband Brad Pitt to keep an eye on their six kids Maddox and Pax and Zahara and Shiloh and Knox and Vivienne and their biggest concern was the kidnapping of the kids and for Angie that fear bordered on obsession so her home is like a fortress -- she wants her kids to have a normal life but she’s also aware of the dangers out there 

* Star Spots the Stars -- Martha Stewart, Clare Crawley, Alec Baldwin, Jessica Alba, Bella Hadid, Viola Davis, Debbie Matenopoulos

Page 7: Jason Momoa shocked fans with his recent revelation that his breakout role in Game of Thrones gave him plenty of fame but no fortune -- after his character Khal Drogo was killed of in 2011 before the first season even aired he said he couldn’t get work and it’s very challenging when you have babies and you’re completely in debt; we were starving -- now of course Jason who shares two kids with wife Lisa Bonet has more than made up for those lean times but he’s not one to throw cash around

* After a single day of work Johnny Depp was axed from the third installment of the Fantastic Beasts films and he got to keep his eight-figure salary -- he was let go following a nasty defamation trial against a U.K. tabloid that called him a wife-beater -- now Mads Mikkelsen is going to be Johnny’s replacement as Grindelwald -- for his part Johnny will take the money and run and he’s panicked that this will lead to a permanent blacklist and his name is now mud in movie circles 

Page 8: Star Shots -- overjoyed by Joe Biden’s victory Chrissy Teigen and John Legend took to the streets of West Hollywood to celebrate, Duchess Camilla paid her respects to veterans during the 92nd Field of Remembrance event at Westminster Abbey which is a duty formerly fulfilled by her stepson Prince Harry

Page 9: Steve Martin cruising through Central Park on a CitiBike wearing gloves and a protective face mask, Miya Cech and Ben Daon and Keith L. Williams and Kayden Grace Swan flanked creator Daniel Knauf at the premiere of The Astronauts 

Page 10: Renee Elise Goldsberry and Sara Bareilles and Paula Pell and Busy Philipps shared a laugh shooting Girls5Eva, Offset caught up with some young fans while handing out free food from the Slutty Vegan Food Truck on Election Day in Atlanta, Caitlyn Jenner fueling up for a car-camping expedition with daughter Kendall

Page 11: Queen Latifah showed off a fresh new ‘do on the set of The Equalizer reboot in NYC, weeks after undergoing heart surgery Arnold Schwarzenegger was already behind the wheel again in L.A. 

Page 12: Bachelor alum Hannah Ann Sluss running errands in L.A., Joey Fatone nearly stole the spotlight from actress Kate Katzman on the red carpet at the screening of her new film The Comeback Trail, Francesca Farago carried a pup while posing for photos for her swimsuit line 

Page 14: MTV EMAs -- Alicia Keys, David Guetta, DJ Khaled, Zara Larsson 

Page 16: Zooey Deutch having lunch with a friend in L.A., Tracy Morgan returned to his old stomping grounds to cut the ribbon at the $30 million Marcy Houses Community Center in Brooklyn, Olivia Culpo rushed to a meeting after a coffee run in L.A. 

Page 18: Normal or Not? Ariel Winter carrying an enormous roll of bubble wrap -- not normal, Joel Michaely jumped for joy at the screening of his new film The Comeback Trail in Ft. Lauderdale -- not normal, Wanda De Jesus and Jimmy Smits enjoyed a stroll around Brentwood -- normal 

Page 19: Gretta Monahan before filming a segment on The View -- normal, Bridget Moynahan and Steve Schirippa made a grisly discovery on the set of Blue Bloods -- not normal 

Page 20: Fashion -- stars stun in silver -- Angelina Jolie, Thandie Newton

Page 21: Becky G, Elsa Hosk 

Page 24: Phil Collins and Orianne Bates are slinging mud as their split gets even nastier

Page 25: Dallas alum Patrick Duffy and Happy Days actress Linda Purl are dating

* Ben Affleck plans to spend Christmas away from his three kids in Cuba with girlfriend Ana de Armas who hasn’t seen her family in months and is desperately homesick and Ben will do anything to make her happy -- the couple then plan to celebrate the new year touring South America -- Ben’s ex-wife Jennifer Garner is not happy about his plans because she’s at full capacity after tending their kids solo while Ben was filming The Last Duel in Ireland but Ben has made up his mind 

Page 26: Cover Story -- Kelly Clarkson’s rush to the altar -- the star is healing from heartache with a hot new romance but as she tells pals she’s ready to wed again some are worried she’s moving way too fast -- pals are wondering if her mystery man could be country singer Brett Eldredge but Kelly is keeping her new guy’s identity under wraps for now

Page 29: Inside Kelly Clarkson’s ugly lawsuit -- the star is fighting in court with her former father-in-law Narvel Blackstock 

Page 38: Entertainment 

Page 48: Parting Shot -- pregnant Hilary Duff on the set of Younger in New York City 

30: Exasperated Girlfriend

November 29, 2018

   My stomach drops when the front door opens. Ana's footsteps carry her closer. She drops her bag absentmindedly, staring wide eyed at the mess that is me. "Is that blood?"

I hide my hands behind my back. "Maybe?" I breath, entwining my fingers to keep the tremor down.

     Her eyes were bright with alarm. Ana dashes over time where I was sitting. "Are you hurt?!"

I smile almost embarrassed. My hands hover over the wound trying to hide the ugliness of it all. "Maybe."

"Aspen!" She exclaims.

She's an exasperated girlfriend.

Her hands moved mine, lifting them away from the poorly managed bandage. "What did this?"

I shucked a breath when she peeled the bandage away.

It was a unique wound from a knife that burned and cut at the same time. The skin was a monstrosity.

"Fairy steel," I hissed, recoiling when her fingers, charged with her magic, grazed it. "And a no magic healing wound."

She drew away. Those darling eyes taking me in.

God I wanted to kiss her.

I blinked. The fever really was getting to my head.

Ana read my mind, gingerly bringing her lips to my sweaty forehead.

The thought was out before I knew it. "I'm all dirty. The fae are not fun to tango with. I’ve got a knot the size of a goose egg somewhere on my head." My mind had to catch up with my mouth.

"Why the hell are you fighting fairies?!"

Aaah there it is again. Exasperated girlfriend.

"Am I a problem to love?"

I hate when I get caught up in feverish moods like this. Everything's hot and tilted. I try to blink through the haze, wanting to scrape away the vulnerability wiggling to the surface, hoping she didn't answer the damned question in the first place.

Ana hands were so soft. They caressed my cheek, causing my eyes to close. I was tense, my wound nearly forgotten.

     "Look at me." Her voice was soft too. My eyes obeyed. "You are not and will never be a problem. You are so many things Aspen, but you are not a problem."

I released the air I kept hostage.

"Now. Let's get you cleaned up." Ana raised me up, letting me lean against her as she led me to the bathroom.

The lights flipped on and I leaned against the counter. Ana got alcohol, bandages, and a few of the other healing remedies I keep.

"Close your eyes," she said.

I obeyed instantly.

My body jolted. "Fuck!" My eyes were wild when they popped open from the pain.

"Sorry," she whispered, grabbing my hand. Ana had coated the wound in a black power. It sizzled, seeping into my skin and slowly fading from black to grey. She wiped it off when it turned a pure white.

"It's fine," I grit out.

Two salves and hellacious amount of rubbing alcohol later, Ana had me wrapped up tight.

I doubled over, nausea, and vertigo threatening to tip me over.

Ana guides me over to sit on the toilet. "You're still burning up." She mutters, talking more to herself than me.

She hums, leaving me to go fetch something.

Dark spots started to pop up. Everything swayed and closed around me. I grabbed the edge of the counter, taking even breaths to ward it off.

My grip loosened.

My head hit the bath's edge, darkness taking over.

*

Ana was over me, her eyes very pink and watery. She looked frantic.

"Ana," My mouth was incredibly dry. "I'm sorry. Please don't cry."

She cried even harder, wiping her wrists with her tears. "You were so faint! I thought you were dead."

"Drink this!" She showed me a small bottle, uncapping it, and bringing the rim to my lips.

I could taste the magic in the bottle, it's effects spreading pretty quickly.

I felt the familiar pull of unconsciousness and look up to Ana, almost asking for permission to give in.

She smiled, a mix of sadness, relieve, and maybe love in there. "It's okay. You labeled this bottle “last resort [healing]” so it should counteract whatever's got you."

"Thank you," I mutter.

I was out in the next breath.

March 8, 2018, Portland, OR

They opened with "Ana Ng," followed by "Damn Good Times." During the intro of the latter, when the band was already playing but Flans was talking before the vocal kicked in (which he is quite fond of doing, particularly when the song is one of the first few of the night), he said Portland is "the only town that counts." (I knew he was joking but I was still mildly bothered by this as a Seattleite dealing with the Seattle vs. Portland rivalry).

Afterwards, Flans was referring to the people who were around the edge of the room, which was blocked off by a barrier--he said they were in East Berlin. John: "We hope you'll think about what you did." Then he said that Flans hadn't said the thing about this being "the only town that matters" at any of the other shows they've done on this tour, and Flans said it's because a big percentage of the population of Portland is rock critics. Then he said that thing that keeps making me so sad, about how they have a new album and when they say they're going to play a song from it we should pretend to be enthusiastic about it.

After "I Left My Body" (great as always), "Your Racist Friend" (still meh on this song but I do love the trumpet-party-break section with Curt), and "Hey, Mr. DJ, I Thought You Said We Had a Deal" (causing me to rock way out), John got out his contra-alto clarinet. He said it's "lower than the bass clarinet and at war with the alto clarinet."

They played "All Time What," then Flans asked John what he'd done all day. He said he'd "wandered around and dodged the raindrops--apparently it rains in this town." Flans said he did not go to the record store (there's an Everyday Music very close to the venue that he's been known to frequent when they're in town), which meant he had more money than he otherwise would've.

There was some funny banter after that. Flans said they'd gotten to stay at an actual nice hotel the night before, which was unusual for them. Then John said they were wearing crooked top hats and saying "We're gonna make it some day!" Flans said the hotel looked like "a movie set from the '30s," and they took something off a tray of food that probably cost $40. John said they were going to escape on a luggage cart disguised as luggage, and Flans compared them to Harpo Marx. Then John said that next they'd be running and their feet would make bongo sounds. So silly!

They played "Turn Around," which was SO GOOD, much better than the night before when John hadn't used his accordion due to technical difficulties.

After "Spy" and "The Mesopotamians," Flans explained that they're playing two sets, and the second set was "all hits," but they were hits by other bands. John said they're not even good bands, and Flans said they're "under the thumbs of our management," who are really mean to them.

They played "This Microphone," and then Flans said it's on their new album. He said it just came out on vinyl, and that it's a gatefold sleeve, which you can "clean your Oregon pot on."

Flans introduced "Bills, Bills, Bills" by again explaining how they'd been to the AV Club to cover a song for them. He said they first did "Tubthumping," but they weren't going to be playing that tonight because "if you sing it once you'll be singing it all week." He said he was going to be Kelly, John was going to be Beyonce ("a role he originated on Broadway"), and "the members of the band not with us will be playing the part of Michelle." So then they played it, and as always I was completely enraptured by Flans's full-on diva-ness.

They closed out the first set with "Birdhouse in Your Soul," which is a perfect set closer cos there's so much energy in the room when they play it.

Second set started the usual way, with the "Last Wave" video (which I was really tired of at this point, I never really liked it much in the first place and this was like the millionth time I'd seen it) and then "Older" to kick off Quiet Storm. I've been enjoying it on the contra-alto clarinet so much that it'll be a bit sad to (presumably) go back to it on keyboard when all this is over.

Flans pointed out the balcony was really far back and said it was "a mistake." John said it was the section for nursing mothers, and Flans said they'd combined that with the section for cigar smokers.

Flans introduced "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too" by saying it was "one of the first songs we wrote," and then confessed that they're actually vampires (explains a lot!). John said not to post that on social media, but then said that it actually wouldn't matter because they wouldn't show up.

After they played it, Flans said not enough people were taking pictures with their phones, and he was "distracted by not being distracted."

Next was MY THEME SONG, still intense and special and emotional and wonderful every single time. It makes me sad to realize that this tour may be the only time I'll get to see it, but I'm just grateful to have been able to as many times as I have.

Flans said that the electronic drums have "all the power of EDM and all the musicality of not-EDM." Then he said the last song was from John Henry, and why don't they play more songs from that album? "Because it's not very good." (As someone for whom John Henry holds the elevated status of not only the album containing my all-time favorite song but also is tied for my #1 album overall, you can imagine what my reaction to this comment was.)

They played "How Can I Sing Like a Girl?," and then the rest of the band came back on stage for "Istanbul," including the crazy jam session at the end. Afterwards, John said he needed to catch his breath and he wanted them to talk for a minute before they played the next song, which made him sound like such an old man. Flans asked us how we were enjoying the sprung dance floor, then said maybe they should talk about some prostitution scandal (I'm not sure what he was referring to) or the "useless" tariffs Trump is proposing. John said he's divesting his money from steel and investing it in "Waynecoin. It's a psychedelic cryptocurrency. You feel like you're tripping, and then all your money is gone."

Then they played "Mrs. Bluebeard." At this point I took it as a foregone conclusion that John would screw up the lyrics since he had every other time I'd seen it, and sure enough he did. For the second time at the shows I've been to, he actually acknowledged the fact that he did afterwards. His excuse was that he'd been distracted cos he'd been trying to move the microphone with his lips so he could reach the higher part of his keyboard, but the crew had tightened it too much and it hadn't moved. Flans said that what he likes is when the crew sets up his mic stand so it's too tall for him, cos he's flattered that they think he's "of higher stature" than he really is.

Next came "Particle Man," "Wicked Little Critta," and "New York City." Then Flans said the next song features Dan on acoustic guitar. Dan played a little something, and Flans said it was from Dan's collection of "unreleased b-sides" and was entitled "Ah Fuck It." John said something about it reminding him of the Motel 6 commercials, and Flans went off on a classic hilarious Flans thing with him pretending to be Tom Bodett and saying "we'll leave the bugs out for you." Then he said if you're a rock band who wants to be sued you should just say that Motel 6 has bugs.

They played "Number Three," and then Flans went back to riffing on the Motel 6 thing (in character). He said if you're coming there and you have a dog with bugs/mange you should bring them and let them pee all over the carpet.

They played "When the Lights Come On," Flans introduced the band, and then they closed out the main set with the reliably superfun "Doctor Worm."

The first encore was the same spectacular duo as almost all the other shows on this West Coast trip: "Dead" followed by "Don't Let's Start." The second encore was "Man, It's So Loud in Here" and then "Fingertips."

It was a great set and a great show! A teensy bit disappointing because the setlist was nearly exactly the same as the previous night in Seattle, and the only reason it wasn't exactly the same was that they'd removed a couple of the particularly great songs they'd played, but otherwise no complaints.

After the show, I was hanging around the stage trying to get a setlist. I didn't get one, but I did snag something else really cool: a signed drumhead from Marty! That was a first for me. I think he might've given it to me because I told him I recognized his shirt as being from Out of Print Clothing, one of my absolute favorite shops (the one with the cover of The Metamorphosis that he's been wearing a lot lately), and we chatted about that a bit. Between that and him giving me a setlist a couple of days before, I finally felt like I could accept him as a full real member of the band--I've still been thinking of him as "the new guy" all this time. I feel silly saying that as he's been in the band for going on a decade and a half now, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with Marty's skills as a drummer or kindness as a person, both of which are clearly quite high--I just don't deal with change particularly well.

JL wardrobe report: a black pullover jacket, not too exciting, except for when he pushed up the sleeves for the second half of the show (I always love seeing his arms that way, it's much more exciting than when he's just wearing a t-shirt for reasons I can't really articulate).

Gonna do this all in one go today, starting a 36 hour fast so distractions are v important 😅

Day 1

Height: 167 cm, or a tall 5’5

Current weight: around 66 kgs?

Highest weight: around 83 kgs

Goal weight: 51 kgs

I would put measurements like waist and hips and stuff, I do have a tape measure in my room, but that gets me down more than my weight. I have lost quite a bit but my waist has stayed around the same, and I would love to have a waist that’s anywhere between 27-24 inches.

Day 2

Height stated above. I never really had any issues with my height. I’m fairly average height, if slightly above, but I always feel gigantic if anyone is shorter than me, even if they’re maybe the same body shape or weight. I would like to be a little shorter I guess, it would make me feel smaller and more delicate, but I guess being taller would mean I would look thinner

Day 3

Flat stomach thinspo is everything for me, all my weight is on my tummy

Day 4

I don’t fear weightloss. I have done a fair bit already and it makes me feel so much better and more confident about myself, but I guess I’m more worried about it not being enough. I get to my goal weight, and I’m still too ugly and fat.

Day 5

I’m doing for me. I want to be more confident, I want to be skinnier (or at least on the same level) as the girls who used to make fun of my weight. I want to feel good enough for my partner. I want to feel sexy. But I guess I also want other people to find my attractive. At my highest weight (and honestly up until 6 months ago), no one showed me any romantic attention EVER and it killed my self esteem. I have a partner rn (being with them has helped a lot, they tell me I’m pretty and not fat and everything) but I still want to be seen as an attractive person by people. I won’t believe the compliments until I’m at my goal weight.

Day 6

I’m more of a picker throughout the day person I suppose

Day 7

They know I’m losing weight and are proud of what I’ve lost so far. I am too. But they keep telling me I shouldn’t lose anymore. Little do they know I’ve got 30 pounds to lose before I consider stopping. They care about me, but they don’t realise that I’ve got disordered eating patterns. I reckon they have an idea I don’t have the best relationship with food, but don’t know the extent of it.

Day 8

I don’t really work out, but wanna join my uni gym soon!

Day 9

People don’t explicitly call me fat anymore, but it’s little things. My partner saying I’m bigger than average. My friends boyfriend calling me chunky. I once asked my friend if she thought I was fat and she said “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say”. Saying I have mochi cheeks (fat cheeks). Saying my coat was massive. It’s not as bad as fat, but it still hurts, because it reminds me of how long I have to go. I’ve lost quite a bit and sometimes feel skinny, but those things being said is a harsh reminder that I’m no where near where I want to be.

Day 10

A happy relationship with food, potentially for years to come.

Day 11

I don’t have one, I just look under the tags. Then again, Emily Ratajkowski’s Instagram makes me want to starve for all eternity, how can someone have such a perfect body?

Day 12

I’m at university rn and my accommodation is bullshit because it doesn’t have a kitchen? so I tend to eat a lot of either boxed or can soup, miso soup, small packs of popcorn, Cheerios, and sometimes I get a big bag carrot sticks (healthy I know). At home however, I eat all of the veggies. I adore fresh veg, and basically will eat for every meal, whether they’re stir fried, steamed, sautéed with can tomatoes, but my downfall is snacks. Fucking snacks.

Day 13

More recently it’s become unhealthy, but i haven’t been able to eat as little as I’ve wanted to as I was back home, and rn my partner is staying with me I can’t eat 500 calories a day when they’re here 😅

Day 14

51 kgs or 110 lbs. probably in year or 18 months or so (it takes me AGES to lose weight).

Day 15

I’m in between vegetarian and vegan I guess. It limits the food I can eat, so it has helped me I guess, but I know eat so much healthier so it’s all good for me.

Day 16

I always thought of doing it, but only properly about 2 years ago?

Day 17

I have disordered eating habits but not full on anorexia. I’m a psychology student, so I know the criteria and I don’t fit it all yet. However, if I became more serious and did develop an actual eating disorder, I wouldn’t be 100% surprised.

Day 18

Anything sweet. I am a whore for it, but I will only succumb to my weakness if the food is already open/ other people are eating/ I am by myself and the pack is open. I never really buy binge food just for me.

Day 19

Yesterday, partner is still here so we tend to do that a lot 😅

Day 20

Vegetarian/ vegan

Day 21

In jeans, trousers and skirts, I’m a uk 10, and on my top and dresses I’m usually a 12 or so (I have D cup boobs and kinda broad back). It annoys me that I’m not a 10 all over, it would make me appear more balanced and just make me feel better.

Day 22

64 kgs I think before Christmas 😭

Day 23

Tumblr did. I did a school project on how social media influenced eating disorders when my eating first started going bad, which basically me an excuse to read thinspo in class. Even before then I was on tumblr looking under the tags though. Social media in general was huge for me.

Day 24

I don’t really have any feelings towards it? I refuse to give tips on this account/ pictures of myself because I don’t want this to be a PROPER pro account. I’m using this to vent as I have no one in my real life to talk to about it. However, this account would technically count as pro so I can’t really chastise people for being “pro ana” on their blogs when I’m no better. But basically if you have an account, you’re pro ana, definitely for yourself and potentially for other people (this account is purely for me)

Day 25

I’ve stuck a toothbrush down my throat several times and I’ve always chickened out. I don’t want to develop bulimia.

Day 26

Feeling pretty, even with my pretty friends, looking better in my clothes, and feeling proud of myself

Day 27

I try to remind myself that I AM in control. If I’m publically eating food, I tend to make some excuses, or just eat it normally. Hence why I don’t have a proper eating disorder, sometimes I will just eat and not feel that nervous and stuff, but I nearly always feel guilty after I’ve eaten.

Day 28

Heck yeah! I always get compliments on my legs because they are quite long and toned, and none of my body fat is really stored on my legs so they are good legs, but I have fat on my upper thighs which piss me off beyond belief. Gimme that thigh gap so I can good about myself!!

Day 29

Not me

Day 30

1. I got into my dream university studying psychology!

2. I have diabetes (the genetic one, type 1).

3. No one really knows I have disordered eating patterns.

4. I love this band called AJR!

5. My first kiss was when I was 18 (my current age, around 6 months ago, with my current partner). The lack of romance in my life before this was major thinspo for me and still is tbh. I assumed I got no attention because I was so unattractive

6. I live in England

7. I wear eyeliner nearly everyday and can do very good cat eye (like, James Charles WISHES he could do a cat eye like me good)

8. I have 3 dogs and I love them so much

9. I want to be a therapist when I’m older (I recognise the irony of this)

10. I’m not bothered that much about how fast I lose weight, I just want to lose it and keep it off.

Damn this took over an hour to do 😅

Please feel free to message me! Although I will say I completely and utterly REFUSE to give tips, thinspo and mean soo comments to people. Just because I am suffering with a lot of insecurities and hurt myself does not mean I would even consider inflicting that onto another person. If anyone would like to talk about anything else in general, or want to talk about recovery and why it is a good thing, please message me!! I have been told I am very good at talking to people, and making them feel better, hence why I want to be a therapist. I will only send messages of kindness and pro recovery and body positivity (I know it’s ironic but we just gonna ignore that 😅)

Hollywood: Daytime Goes to the Beach Aaron Spelling will bring sunshine and sand to set-bound soap operas with his new ‘Sunset Beach’

Nov 4, 1996 By Betsy Sharke Except for a nasty cold, Aaron Spelling couldn’t be in much better spirits. He’s spent most of the day with his office crammed full of wardrobe racks and cast members from Sunset Beach, the first daytime drama that Spelling Entertainment has ever done and the first daytime drama to be introduced on network TV in eight years (1989’s Generations was the last — and it didn’t).

‘We brought in 12 racks of clothes,’ says Spelling. ‘I think fashion is as important to a serial as anything else.’ Fashion sets the tone. It defines the palette. The length of a skirt, the style of jeans, can tell the viewer volumes about a character before the first word of dialogue is spoken. Spelling already loves the Sunset Beach cast — their names have been added to his annual Christmas party list — and on this day he is doling out advice to them on everything from buying a new car to renting apartments to how to handle fame, should it be lucky enough to come. He has issued his no-hair-changes dictum — Sunset cast members had better be happy with the style and color they start the show with, because Spelling isn’t about to let them confuse a new audience with a makeover any time soon. It is a long-standing rule for a Spelling show, and his staff knows that he’s deadly serious about it even if some of the awestruck actors don’t — yet. On Jan. 6, Sunset Beach will hit the air. ‘The series is a critical component of NBC West Coast president Don Ohlmeyer’s plan to make the network’s daytime schedule as potent as its prime time. NBC is in third place in daytime, though the net is up 20 percent this season and is closing in on second-place ABC. Ohlmeyer has his sights set on first, which CBS now owns. ‘With Sunset, we have something new and hot and exciting,’ Ohlmeyer says. ‘(In) the ‘80s, NBC daytime basically disintegrated. We are in the process of rebuilding, but we have to deliver the goods. That’s how we’ve built prime time, with distinctive programming. ‘There hasn’t been a successful soap launched in 10 years. It’s very difficult to do, but with Aaron’s touch and looking at the cast we have, we think it’s worth the effort. Some of our affiliates are very receptive (to the show) some, we’re in the process of kidnapping their children.’ On Stage 11 at NBC Studios in Burbank, carpenters and set designers are working late into the night to complete the sets that will form the primary backdrop for the show. The small community of Seal Beach, roughly a 90-minute drive south of Los Angeles, has been scouted nearly grain by grain of sand. It will be the exterior home for Sunset, and unlike most daytime soaps, the location will be a frequent player. Last week, readings and the first of three weeks of shooting exteriors began. The Santa Anas — California’s devil winds — stirred up the sand, making it sting on the skin. The water, which is never warm at Seal Beach, was even colder than usual. But no one was complaining. The 22 actors who will give shape and form to Sunset Beach are a beautiful bunch indeed, a canvas of racial diversity plucked from the talent pool in New York, Los Angeles and other cities including Philadelphia, the hometown of Spelling Entertainment president Jonathan Levin, who went back for that casting session. They are also young faces, part of the strategy to make Sunset a daytime soap for younger viewers, to do for daytime drama what Ricki Lake did for talk, at least in terms of attracting a new audience. Spelling is considered a master at casting, instinctively knowing which faces will work together as a couple, which actors will have that all-important element of chemistry. Now the virtually unknown Sunsetters are all in front of him, many meeting for the first time, and the air is electric. ‘One of my favorite sports is finding new people and combining them with other people, and I had used so many people from daytime on our soaps,’ says Spelling, whose legacy includes such prime-time legends as Loveboat and Dynasty. The company is currently on prime time with an unprecedented four dramas: Melrose Place; Beverly Hills, 90210; Savannah; and Seventh Heaven. Sunset has been 18 months in the making, and Spelling is like a proud papa, surrounded by actors whose future he has just secured. The series, which is co-owned by Spelling and NBC, has a one-year commitment from the network. That’s 51 weeks of shows, 255 hour-long episodes guaranteed. ‘I wouldn’t tell Candy, my wife, for a week after the show was sold, but my daughter Tori is a daytime addict, and she kept saying, ‘Do it,” says Spelling. With four shows already on the air, he has little time. Launching a daytime soap would siphon off even more of it. ‘I don’t think it hit me for a while. OnMelrose, we wrap on the 22nd of November and don’t come back until January 5th. The actors and writers get a chance to rest. This is never-ending. But it’s been a strange, great experience.’ Worldvision, which sells Spelling’s shows internationally, already has 10 countries signed on for Sunsetwithout one scene shot, based on a four-minute video that outlined the premise of the show and included Spelling talking about it. The foreign sales are important, as is NBC’s share in the financing. Mounting a daytime drama from scratch is a massive undertaking. ‘It requires the logistics of mounting a military campaign,’ says Levin. ‘There’s huge construction, there’s an enormous amount of lighting, tremendous casting, wardrobe problems. It’s not like prime time, when you see life in a kind of episodic way. Daytime is an endless stream of programming that, once it’s begun, can’t be stopped.’ Ohlmeyer puts the production investment alone at about $50 million. ‘Then there’s the cost of launch, advertising and promotion — it’s a major commitment on our part,’ he says. ‘With daytime, you’re not really going to know anything concretely for 18 months. I feel we’re very much on track. We’ve done this in a really organized way in terms of laying out target dates, scripts in by here, cast in place by here, task force working on clearances to this point we’re right on schedule. That still doesn’t change the pucker factor.’ NBC was initially looking at four ideas, Spelling’s idea among them, for a daytime soap. Spelling’s concept originally was loosely defined as ‘Melrose Place at the beach.’ When they began to look seriously for a title for the new show, Spelling ran a title contest in-house. The winner would get $200. There were dozens of suggestions, but the most serious contender, Never Say Goodbye, came from an unlikely source: Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone, who suggested it during a dinner with Spelling. ‘I loved the name — it says romance, which this show is all about,’ says Spelling, whose company is part of Viacom. But in testing, viewers were drawn to the ‘beach’ motif more than anything else, Spelling says. Executive producer Gary Tomlin (Santa Barbara) and Robert Guza Jr. are the people on the front line of the creative side of Sunset Beach. The initial groundwork on the series was done by Chuck Pratt, who was an executive producer on Melrose Place, and Guza, whose work everyone knew from Spelling’sModels Inc. Together they wrote a nearly 400-page bible outlining Sunset’s premise, characters and storyline. Spelling remembers the bible for Melrose Place being closer to 40 pages. Unlike most daytime dramas, which tend to build their storylines around families and family rivalries,Sunset Beach is about young singles and couples who have been drawn to the town, and the relationships that emerge as the action unfolds. The producers also created an underlying mythology about the town as a place where one can find true love. ‘We loved the idea of creating a town and making the town a character,’ says Guza, who is cocreator and head writer. ‘(With) Sunset Beach, you get to create this world and these characters, and then you get to screw up their lives.’ Sunset Beach is being written at a faster pace than traditional daytime dramas. It’s a delicate balancing act to move action through each episode without losing the audience. ‘We would love it if people watched five days a week, but they don’t,’ says Tomlin. Three days is more typical. ‘We have to make certain they’re able to pick up where the story left off and that it hasn’t moved so rapidly that they can’t figure it out.’ The show is also being designed to allow room for cameos by big-name prime-time stars. Spelling wants to give viewers as compelling a reason as possible to tune in to Sunset. ‘On top of needing to have a terrific show, you are fighting against viewer habits that are long, long ingrained,’ says Levin. ‘It is very difficult to change the loyalty of the daytime viewer, and we’re talking about shows that have been on for 30 years. That’s one of the reasons we’re targeting young viewers — they’re the most available and the most flexible in their viewing habits.’ Then there is the station lineup. Affiliates exert their independence far more in daytime than prime time. NBC says that Sunset is cleared on 85 percent of its affiliates; the network expects to reach 90 percent by the premiere. With the cast now in place and the first rolls of tapes being produced, the network knows that stations that are wavering at least will have something concrete to see. ‘Will we get sufficient coverage — that’s a constant battle,’ says Levin. ‘Will the local affiliates elect to air the show in desirable time slots that will afford us the best opportunity to be sampled? These are things we are lobbying for but ultimately we don’t control.’ Spelling and NBC executives hope that Sunset Beach will be scheduled to follow Days of Our Lives, which has made a dramatic turnaround. ‘Over the last 18 months with that show, it’s been unbelievable, going from being in the middle to the top,’ Ohlmeyer says. ‘If we can get that kind of performance from Another World — and we think we’re finally on the right track there — with Sunset Beach we could have a solid three-hour block.’ Copyright ASM Communications, Inc. (1996) ALL RIGHTS RESERVED http://www.mediaweek.com/mw/esearch/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=510703