#like I /do/ care about you but I fuxking /cant/ with this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-record · 9 months

Text

bad idea right?

synopsis: abby ruined your relationship, so when she happens to be going to the same party, you should stear clear right?

pairing: soccer!abby x reader

warnings: none???

a/n: i was gonna make this like a “sad” ending but i cant do it for the life of me. also not my best work but i needed to get smthn out

Haven't heard from you in a couple of months But I'm out right now and I'm all fucked up And you're callin' my phone and you're all alone And I'm sensing some undertone And I'm right here with all my friends But you're sending me your new address And I know we're done, I know we're through But, God, when I look at you

“uhm, angel? who’s ‘loser not worth mentioning’?” ellie asks as shes tosses your phone on the bed next to you.

dina laughs as you groan, silencing the call again. “that is angel’s ex my dear.” dina says as she pulls clothes from her closet. “very messy breakup.”

“and she’s borderline obsessed with me.” you watch as the call ends before getting up to finish getting ready. “you know that tall blonde girl on the soccer team?” ellie gasps, punching your shoulder.

“no way.”

“way.”

ellie laughed, falling back onto your bed. “oh tonight is gonna be interesting.”

you sat up, looking at her. “what do you mean?”

“abby’s going tonight.”

dina squealed, grabbing your hands. “oh, you’re getting dressed up. you have to show her what shes missing.”

you felt your phone buzz as dina turned back to find your something to wear.

abby: baby please just pick up

abby: youre going to the party tn right?? come find me we need to talk

abby: im not gonna give up.

My brain goes, "Ah" Can't hear my thoughts (I cannot hear my thoughts) Like blah-blah-blah (Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah) Should probably not I should probably, probably not I should probably, probably not

“so i shouldn’t meet up with abby tonight, right?” ellie peaked over your shoulder to read the texts, laughing quietly.

“angel do not meet up with abby tonight.” dina told you over her shoulder. “i do not need you disappearing to her bed.” she threw an outfit at you before heading to her bathroom to change.

you knew she was right.

abby was just trying to fuck and you should stay far away. she didn’t care about your feelings and she had made that obvious. you should just steer clear.

angel: we’ll see.

angel: just, wait till im away from my friends.

abby: no promises

angel: abby.

abby: see u there ;)

“you’re right.” you set your phone to the side, standing to try on the clothes dina gave you.

Seeing you tonight It's a bad idea, right? Seeing you tonight It's a bad idea, right? Seeing you tonight It's a bad idea, right? Seeing you tonight Fuck it, it's fine

angel: this is a bad idea.

abby: just go with it babe

abby: i wanna see you

abby: i want to talk.

angel: fuxk

abby: see u soon

“guys,” you yelled over the music. “i’m gonna go get a drink. text me if you need me!”

dina and ellie nodded, smiling before dancing again. you rolled your eyes, heading to find abby. she’d said to meet her in the backyard, there was a door by the kitchen.

“angel!” you tensed as you poured a drink, turning to see abby heading your way. she placed a hand on your hip, smiling. “hey, i was just about to come find you.”

you smiled back, grabbing your cup and heading out leaving abby to follow you. she took a seat beside you on the swing, putting her arm around you.

you cleared your throat, setting down your cup and turning to face her.

even if she had fucked you over, you couldnt deny how perfect she was.

freckles lining her cheekbones. pretty eyelashes that you could only dream for. lips you loved to kiss. the prettiest blue eye’s you’d ever seen.

“it’s rude to stare you know…” she whispered as she rubbed her thumb on your knee. “if you want to kiss me just say that.” she joked.

“i want to kiss you.”

Yes, I know that he's my ex But can't two people reconnect? I only see him as a friend The biggest lie I ever said Oh, yes, I know that he's my ex But can't two people reconnect? I only see him as a friend I just tripped and fell into his bed

dina: angel where r u

dina: angel??

ellie: whered u go?? we cant find u

dina: i dont want to leave u here alone

ellie: can u respond pls

you pulled away from abby as your phone buzzed repeatedly. she chased your lips, making you smile.

“fuck,” you whispered as you read the texts.

angel: hi sorry

dina: babe where are you???

angel: im okay, with a friend from class

ellie: we are heading out, u want a ride?

dina: ^^

angel: im good thank you though

angel: having fun :)

dina: okay… be safe my love

dina: call me if u need me and get home safe

ellie: dont be stupid

angel: i will promise

angel: choke ellie

dina: i will 😁😁😁

angel: GAG

you tucked your phone back into a pocket before facing abby again. “so, where were we?”

“you wanna come to mine?”

Now I'm gettin' in the car, wreckin' all my plans I know I should stop, but I can't And I told my friends I was asleep But I never said where or in whose sheets And I pull up to your place on the second floor And you're standing, smiling at the door And I'm sure I've seen much hotter men But I really can't remember when

angel: kms

angel: im so increbibku hungiver

angel: can i gey a ride pls!

dina: bye 😭

ellie: one night stand angel?!?!?!!

angel: whaaaaaaaaaaaaa

dina: send me ur location

angel: …

dina: what.

angel: …can ellie pick me up………….

ellie: whatd u do.

angel: just pelase?

angel: please im begging

ellie: fine

“not telling your friends about me angel?” abby rasped as she wrapped an arm around your waist. you set down your phone and faced her. “good morning.”

“hmm, i missed this.” you confessed as you kissed her. “but ive got work in a couple hours. ellie’s on her way.”

abby groaned and pulled you close to her. “i dont want this to be just a one night stand, angel. i really do like you.”

you leaned back to look her in the face. “we’ll see.” you pecked her lips with a smile. “for now, ellie wont be here for another half hour…”

“so,” ellie clears her throat as you get in the passenger seat. “abby anderson then.”

you ignored her as she pulled out of her parking spot. “what’d you and dina do last night?”

“i think i could ask you the same thing about abby?”

you sighed and turned to face her. “promise you wont tell dina?” she hummed but you still weren’t sure. “promise me.”

“fine, i promise.” she groaned, stopping at the red light. “now seriously, what happened to ignoring her?”

“okay, well shes very convincing. and i figured its be good to talk, clear the air?” you sat back in your seat. “but then we got alone and i just missed her. and so she kissed me, and we headed back to her place, and…”

“gross.” ellie shivered, she looked to you for a second as she drove. “look, we just don’t want you to get hurt. i know im still new and we dont know eachother like you and dina, but i care about you.” she smiled softly. “and dina will actually kill abby if she does something. i love her but shes crazy.”

you both laughed before sitting in silence. you turned to music up to drown the peace as ellie drove. as she turned into her parking space you spoke.

“i think its gonna be different this time.”

“yeah?” she unbuckled and looked at you as you nodded. “whatever you say angel.”

Seeing you tonight It's a bad idea, right? Seeing you tonight It's a bad idea, right? Seeing you tonight It's a bad idea, right? Seeing you tonight Fuck it, it's fine

abby: come over tn??

angel: i wish :/

angel: class at 7 and then going to els art show

abby: ugh

abby: what ab tmr what are you doing

angel: nothing i think

abby: angel, would you do me the great pleasure and go on a date with me tomorrow?

angel: a date?

abby: only if u want

abby: if this is just hooking up fine

abby: but i really like you angel.

angel: what time??

abby: mmm 130? ive got practice tmr morning

angel: sounds like a plan :))

abby: oh thank GOD

angel: real.

——————

dina: can we go see barbie tmr

ellie: no.

angel: sorry dina

ellie: nvm YES DINA LETS GOOOOO

dina: hello??

ellie: yep barbie tmr!

angel: i can’t tomorrow

dina: whaaaaaaaaaaat why

dina: what other friends r u hidjng from me.

angel: ive got a date…

dina: HELLLOOOOOOOO?!?!?!??!??????

ellie: 😧😧😧

ellie: since uh WHEN?

angel: since like 10 min ago

dina: OMG WHO?!??!

ellie: !!!!!!!!

angel: ur moms 🩷

dina: fuck u.

ellie: yea fuxk u. my moms DEAD

angel: this isnt THERAPY

ellie: ur gonna need some after this date

dina: damn okay.

angel: GASP.

angel: WHORE

ellie: BITCH

dina: wow.

dina: both of u calm down right now

dina: jesus

angel: sorry mom

ellie: sorry babe

dina: mhm. okay angel have fun on ur date tmr

dina: be safe and text me ab it

dina: ellie ur seeing barbie with me

ellie: CAN WE ATLWAST SEE OPPENHEIMER TOO?!?!!?????!

dina: no

ellie: LORD PUT ME OUTBLF MY MISERY

angel: ellie secretly wanted to take u out to barbie but was too scared to ask

ellie: DIE??????

ellie: can u maybe not

angel: ??

ellie: a date?? isnt that kinda a lot

angel: no why? i told u i really liked her

ellie: didnt she fuck u over like 4 months ago

angel: omg shut up

angel: it’s different okay

ellie: yea? how so.

angel: we were both in bad spots then, we just needed time

ellie: time to have a ton of sex with other girls??? OH WAIF u said WE mb

angel: bye whats ur issue

ellie: my issue is that ur blindly trusting her

ellie: i dont want u to get hurt

angel: dw els im fine okay

angel: ive gotta get ready

angel: ill let u and dina know jf smthn happens.

ellie: whatever

you heard a knock at your door and set down your phone, heading to open it.

when you did, abby stood in front of you with a smile and flowers. you pulled her inside, closing the door behind you and wrapped your arms around her neck.

“hi.” she whispered.

“hey.” one of your hands cupped abby’s cheek as you kissed her softly. “missed you.”

“i know, youre so obsessed with me.” she teased, grabbing your waist.

you smacked her chest and scoffed. “excuse me? didn’t you call and text me for weeks after we broke up?”

“couldnt help myself.”

you pushed away from her, going back to your room to grab your stuff. “you’re such a dork.” grabbing your wallet and shoving on your shoes, you headed back out to abby. “ready to go?”

Oh, yes, I know that he's my ex Can't two people reconnect? The biggest lie I ever said I just tripped and fell into his bed My brain goes, "Ah" Can't hear my thoughts The biggest lie I ever said My brain goes, "Ah" Can't hear my thoughts I just tripped and fell into his bed

angel: confession.

dina: welcome my child

ellie: this’ll be fun!!

dina: shhhh

angel: so remember that date???

dina: YES HOW WAS JT

angel: good good

angel: but uhm

ellie: here we go

dina: ???

angel: it was with …abby anderson…

dina: GOODBYE.

angel: BABY WAIIIIIIT

ellie: rip abby

angel: ELLIE SHHT UP

dina: ARE YOU STUPID??!?!

ellie: yes.

angel: yea

angel: HUT LIKE HEARG ME OHT PLWASE?$?/&?/:$2&!/@/!9/$:9

angel: she was really sweet and apologized for everything and i just like had to yk

dina: had to?? girl

ellie: girl… damn

angel: dina babyyyyyyyyy

ellie: making popcorn who wants some

dina: ellie istg

ellie: im sorry

angel: dina i promise its gonna be different this time

dina: yk j don’t believe that but whatever

dina: do what u want

ellie: dina cmon

dina: what

ellie: can u just support angel?? its not like this was a necessarily easy thing

dina: i support angel, i dont support abby

angel: i know but can you please just give her a chance

angel: i wanna make this work ans so does she

angel: bht i want ur support bc i love u and it mwans a lot to me

dina: …

ellie: dinaaaaaaaaa

ellie: ill get takeout tn

dina: fullly supporting u two!!!!!!!

angel: goodbye 😭

—————

abby: hey

angel: hi

abby: im bored

angel: wanna come to movie night??

abby: ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️

abby: IS THAT A QUESTION?

angel: yea?

abby: yes ofc

abby: doesn’t dina like

abby: wanna kick my ass tho

abby: im highkey scared of her.

angel: shss beinf supportive

angel: pls i dont wanna third wheel if i dont have to

abby: tn?

angel: 8pm. pls.

abby: who do i send my rsvp to

angel: YAYY

abby: i’ll bring snacks

angel: oh u wanna makeout.

abby: yea actually

—————

unknown: Break her heart and I will BREAK YOU WATCH YOURSELF ANDERSON

abby: dina?

dina: at ur service

abby: im terrified of u

dina: good :)

dina: see u tn

dina: she really wants this to work. please, im begging, dont mess this up.

abby: i promise i wont.

Thoughts Blah Thoughts Blah

#abby anderson x y/n #abby anderson x reader #abby anderson fluff #abby tlou #abby anderson x female reader #abby anderson tlou #abby anderson #abby x fem!reader #abby the last of us #abby anderson tlou2

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onetimetwotimesthreetimess · 1 year

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now magnus make alec believe he cant pursue long term romance alec just gonna turn to short term one night stand

// This is part II. Read part I here.

They decide 8 pm for dinner but it’s 9:30 already and Alec is nowhere to be seen.

Jace smirks knowingly while Izzy hides behind a sympathetic smile.

Magnus tries not to groan internally at how obvious the Lightwood siblings are. It’s not like anyone is actively trying to hide this from Magnus, not that anyone possibly could—considering how public Alec is with his new found obsession.

With one-night stands.

It’s so unlike Alec that the first time Magnus heard of it, he almost believed that Alec is possessed. Magnus even goes so far as to check Alec’s entire body to see if someone has cursed him.

But that’s not the case.

Alec is doing this completely out of his own choice.

And Magnus can’t blame him. It’s his stupid fuxking plan to ruin all of Alec’s date that has led Alec to this.

God, he’s a fucking idiot.

It’s 9:45 when Alec finally arrives at Taki’s for their dinner.

“Hi, sorry I got stuck with something,” he apologises the second he arrives.

Clary and Simon grin like kids because they are.

“Stuck with something or someone?” Jace quips and Alec hides a blush.

Magnus winces at the words and stares at his glass of wine. He orders another bottle—for himself.

“Shut up and eat,” Alec hits Jace on the shoulder, lightly.

It’s not that Alec is hiding this from specifically but it makes sense—it’s weird if Alec is open about this to him.

Nephilim only love once. I’ve had my one Magnus. It doesn’t get better than that.

That was four months ago and Magnus can still feel the soft touch on his cheeks. It’s the last time Alec has been close to him and every part of Magnus aches and wants to rip itself apart.

He loves Alec so much.

And Magnus misses him more than he can ever love him.

It’s just cruel how this is happening to them—not that Magnus thinks there’s a them left.

It’s just Alec and his string of hook-ups and both of their broken hearts.

The dinner continues with laughter and stupid jokes from all of them.

“I could have easily taken that hoard of demons,” Clary states.

“Stop talking like Jace,” Simon reprimands her.

Alec gets lost somewhere in this conversation before Izzy nudges him.

“You okay?” She asks worriedly.

Alec nods.

“When are you going to stop doing this?”

The conversation isn’t meant for anyone but the two siblings but Magnus can’t do anything but eavesdrop.

“Do what?”

“These stupid hook-ups. This isn’t you, Alec.”

Alec lets out a dry laugh. “This is me, now.”

“Alec—“

“Would you rather I be alone for the rest of my life?”

Izzy’s face contorts in pain and she whispers, “Are you telling me that you’re not alone, right now?”

Something flashes in Alec’s eyes and he looks at Magnus.

They look into each other’s eyes for some time and all Magnus wants is to keep on doing that.

Alec looks exactly like he used to and completely different at the same time.

There’s something so unhinged about him—like he’s given up, stopped caring.

Not about other people. But about himself.

It breaks Magnus’s heart in two.

“I tried the dating thing. It did not work out, Iz. What more do you want from me?” Alec pleads.

Izzy turns and glares at him then.

Fuck.

She knows.

She knows that Magnus is behind the failed dates.

“Those guys sucked Alec. You dodged a bullet right there,” she says instead of telling him the truth and it leaves Magnus baffled.

She stops Magnus when they’re all leaving.

“Fix this.”

He takes three seconds to decide if he should pretend he has no idea what she’s talking about but he fails.

“Fix what?”

“Fix my brother’s heart.”

He wants to scoff because Alec’s heart is Magnus’s heart.

They are the same thing to him.

They are both hurting currently.

“I don’t know how-to.”

Izzy glares. “How about you start by telling him that you fucked up the dates and that he’s not unlovable.”

Magnus looks down, ashamed. “Why haven’t you told him, if you know?”

Her face softens at that, “because I know you. I know you got hurt by Alec. But I also know that you’re not doing this to hurt him back.”

He himself doesn’t know why he’s doing this.

“Why do you think I did it then?”

“Because you love him. And you’re an idiot,” Izzy says simply.

He opens his mouth to say something but stops mid-way.

He wants Alec back but for some reason he can’t

They both love each—there’s no doubt about it.

But he doesn’t know if he can trust Alec again. Or even himself.

He’s not sure if he will be able to be more honest and open with Alec this time around—centuries of habit is not easy to break.

And Alec deserves better.

They deserve better.

“I can’t.” He tells Isabelle, and gets so much disappointed in return.

Magnus gets it.

He is disappointed in himself too.

#i will continue this series based of whagever prompts you guys send me lmao #I’m the writer but y’all are the storyteller okau byeee #my writinf #malec #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec fics

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kurjakani · 10 months

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Alright quick question..we have similar taste in fictional men and I’ve never watched Bleach before should I start it so I can obsess over Mayuri as well?

HMMMMMMMAH rly hard to tell. Ok sorry bleach fans i love u but im gonna shit talk this show a bit. Pls dont read if u cant handle me rambling abt my personal experience w a show meant for 15 year old boys. I actually love it deeply !!!!!!! I enjoy ir a lot!!!!! However. I really struggle w watching the show sometimes. Its over 300 eps + the movies which i havent even gotten started with. It's difficult bc theres a lot of cool moments too but good lird esp at tge start the fights consist of characters deciding that they have more soul power bc of some memory they had and beatinh eachother. Everyone is confident there is character variety but everyone is like supposed 2 be a huge badass and idk thats just not my type of media (which is why orihime is actually one of my favourite characters bc she stands in such contrast w her confidence issues and damseliness. Also Ishida i love Ishida i love his arc in the umm when they had the bounts and his self reflection about his inabilitu to help the others + hes always rly analytical in fights. Mayuri too bcs all of his power comes from thinking & experimenrting & PREPARADNESS. I dont remember him ever mentioning soul power bc hes like only talking about technique. Zaraki is also incrhesting bc he is overpowered, but to a point of ridiculousness and where he has an one punch man styled conflict w being unable 2 find someone he has fun fightinh w) i like casts full of losers and freaks. Talking of freaks Tite Kubo is one and will NOT stop making fucked up jokes, esp about girls. His humour is shit theres been like. One scene where i laughed out loud and it was bc ichigos dad pelted him w no mercy bc hes used 2 him being able to fight but ichigo was just tired and he flew thru the room thats fr the only time ive laughed. Theres a lot of rly dark topics also treated very lightly, including when it comes to Mayuri??? Esp his treatment of Nemu. As far as ive seen!!! The storyline has an interesting end in the manga tho and like it seems more thoughtful but ive yet to see that. But the treatment of Nemu as a prop to show how awful Mayuri is and to also be fanservice rly. It frusturates me. Theres so much like, interesting stuff you could do w her character. Again tho im at ep like 180 so maybe there will be!!!! For the good tho Tite Kubo has just. Theeee most incredible eye for character design in my eyes hes so fuckinh good its ridiculous. Even a lot of the side characters are mega memorable and its no wonder a lot of thr characters are absolutely iconic. Also the show definetly gets better the beginninh is just so. Slow. As u can prolly pick up from my earlier notes there are a couple characters that i fuxking loooove aside from Mayuri. As for mayuri he is fuckinh viile and they make some gross jokes abt him too but he is so. Ill b real hes just sexy and also transformation coded so. Literally childhood fave chinhands emoji idc. There also are some great interactions between characters!!! Thr main characters rly care abt eachothef and are so devoted 2 taking care of eachother and i think thats lovely. They can be cranky and mean but theyre always worried for eachother and rwady to help and i think thats just so sweet i like that dynamic. Sorry i di have more to say abt the show as u can see i have some big big emotions abt it and i care abt iy sm but it also often frusturates me deeply a lot of tje time. Its a show you endure. Thank god it jas a dub bc i am watcjing it while knitting / drawing etc.

#Ask #Anon #Im sorry this is so mean but i do genuinely love this show and thats why its fallpits rly suck extra much #If i didnt like it. Well id still wagch it for mayuri but yk. Id be way quieter about it.#And just say it sucks dont watch it #But i fucking love it its a strained love tho esp bc of the constant fucking freak ass jokes sTOP

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dtkqer · 1 month

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These past few days have made me increasingly more frustrated at other people rather than George. Like he fuxked up no doubt about it. But the shit I'm hearing for unrelated parties and former fuxking close friends of his has made me fuxking sick. Without even contacting george do they come to these conclusions, even after being friends with dream post allegations. It is hypocritical in the sickest way and I'm honestly fuming at the implication that people can't grow or change which has been recently thrown around by Hannah. I try to have empathy for why people act and move the way they do in situations like these, especially if they were blindsided. But honestly I don't fuxking care anymore. My limit has run out. Anyone who switches up on george or dream team without having spoken to them at least once or listened to George's perspective, is a fucking clout chasing moral posturing spineless chameleon who can't fuxking think for themselves and isn't worth dream teams time as a friend if theyre willing to drop them over this. If they really got some tea to spill that fuxking justifies their switching up they better fuxking pay up or hush up..... Ok I'm done... sorry I'm just sad and angry

i get you and i understand this is a vent but like lowkey you gotta step back your parasocialisms a little bit 😭 i am still annoyed by her implication that people cant change and i kinda still think its a touch too performative/hypocritical IN MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION but i really do not blame her for her actions and tbh its not really as big a deal in the grand scheme of things although it is sad... i do wish people would hear him out a bit, understand where hes coming from, and chill the fuck out with some of these insane ass claims but well. no one is obligated to do that and as much as we can sit here and critique peoples responses we cant act like theyre ALSO not doing the best they can out of a shitty situation as content creators and as people like we are as an audience. i was really harsh last night but ultimately we should give most of them grace. except punz.

#ok punz part was a joke but yeah i am also tired of the whole behind the scenes shit a little like mf SPILL THEN. we already had TWO #nuclear explosions whats 10 more like if any time is right its NOW

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butchbarbieagainstterfs · 2 years

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hi. this is the anon who had the stranely vicious reaction to gay men

the onlt thing i can thnk that might be causing it is 1) how gay men are just adored by all media for doint fuck all for actual representation (like how fucking bullshit heartstopper gets 2 more seasons of fuxking nothing while first kill gets cancelled despite being more popular)

and 2) mahbe some weird fuxked jealousy on my end. like... in every piece of art or movie or tv show or book they always are happy and in love and its fucking stupid. i sound oike a child but why do thye get to be happy and i dont? why do they get love and acceptance and i dont? why can they wear whatever feminine shit they want and be praised for breaking gender norms but when i do it im just being a conforming girly girl? why cant i be like them?!

so yes i hate them for having what i will never have, for being seen and accepted ans loved in a way i never will, for being wanted in a way i never will because im a stupid ugly female. i fuxking hate them for it. thats why.

but its fine. im a lesbian. i dont even like men so why should i fucking care?!

I mean, there is definitely a conversation to be had about how gay men / mlm rep is treated vs how lesbian / wlw rep is but

a) that is not gay men’s fault. It is the fault of the companies and the misogyny of too many cishet people.

b) with regards to Heartstopper, I will say it did already have a fair following because of the graphic novels it is based on. First Kill getting cancelled was still utter bullshit though, you cannot tell me they didn’t have more than enough viewers.

It deffo sounds like you need therapy, not just because of how you view them but because of how you view yourself.

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mypoormeowmeow · 1 year

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YOU KNOW HOW TERRIBLE I FEEL IM EXCLUDING MYSELF FROM THE MUTUAL FRIENDS I HAVE WITH MY BF BC THEYRE ALL INTO KPOP AND I CANT FUCKING STAND MY BF TALKING ABOUT THESE GORGEOUS SKINNY GIRLS EVERY DAY

I HAD TO LEAVE THE GROUP CHAT. I HAD TO MUTE HIM ON TWITTER, I CANT FUCKING ENJOY ANYTHING, I GET A PANIC ATTACK WHEN I SEE HES POSTED... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????

LIKE MY SELF WORTH IS ALL THE WAY ON THE GROUND. WHEN WE STARTED DATING (like 8kg ago) I DIDNT CARE I FELT ALRIGHT, BC I STILL FELT SOMEWHAT ATTRACTIVE

I HATE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH I CANT FUXKING DO THIS ANYMORE IF I DONT LOSE WEIGHT NOW IM GOING TO DIE I HATE EVERYTHING FUCK EVERYTHING IM SO FUCKING UPSET

#ed vent #ed diary #thinspo #tw restriction

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borderline-vents · 1 month

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Tw suicide and gibberish venting and unreality/dereality whatever the fuck it's called sorry

I feel so dizzy so exhausted so tired. Why does everyone hate me. I cant stop fuckimg crying. All I want is to be loved. I was not built to survive in a world like this. I'm so weak. I'm crying so hard. I can barely breathe. Love me please just love me. I feel like im abojt to faint. Nothing feels real anymore. I feel fake. I want new friends. I feel nauseous. Why do they all hate me. They're probably all talking about how much they hate me. I swear they all fuxking despise me. They always ignore me. They're doing this on purpose. They never listen to me. Why am I always ignored what the fuck did I do to deserve this. This feels fake. It feels like they're manipulating me. My life feels like a stage play. I think they're doing this all on purpose. I can't stop fucking crying.why am I so weak I dont fucking know. Everyone hates me or whatever I cant fucking do it anymore . Why is my life a psyop why are they all planning shit why are they all about to throw me out why do I care so much I just don't know I don't know I don't fucking know I dint know how to act I always do shit wrong I'm such a fucking failure of a person a weak fucking bitch.thered no way I'm ever gonna have a life. I'm gonna be another fucking bpd statistic. I'm gonna commit suicide. There's no way I'm gonna be able to live past a certain age. I just know that my life is gonna end in suicide. I'm gonna fucking kill myself one day. It's a premonition. If the world doesn't end and kill me first them ill take my fucking life. Poor me. If only you all just loved me a little harder. I hate you all. I'm gonna fucking kill myself one day. That's how my life is gonna end. I hate you I fucking hate you

#borderline vent #suicide #unreality

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ihateeverything101 · 11 months

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i love him but i hate him. i cant even type properly i am so mad. he doesn't see me. he doesn't listen to me. it feels like he can't care about me. everything is about him. everything is about how he feels. doesn't matter how i'm affected. doesn't matter how i feel. he wants to take and take a take it doesn't matter how much i have to give. he hates me because i can't manage my emotions. he gets mad that i say that i am trying to fix things. it's so frustrating. i cant say anything. fuck you. fuck you. you don't treat me right but say it's because of me. i am not perfect but you need to be accountable for things on your end. fuxk you. fuck you. i am trying to understand. i am trying my best. oh wait. it doesn't matter that i'm trying. i should just say. ok i will do that. yes i will do that. i will do that. i will do that. i will do that. i am trying to understand. i'm trying to speak up for myself. i am trying to find what matters to me. when you say that something doesn't warrant the reaction that i gave it. you're right!! but also give me some morherfucking space to feel things. to figure out how i feel about things. and he's going to want to punish me for this. i cant do that. i cant let him punish me. but i will. i'm going to go home and there will be more. arguing until i leave tomorrow. i am so angry. he doesn't care about anything. he doesn't care about anything that has to do with me. it's all about him. i've given him a headache. not like i've literally been in tears the h whole

time i've been at work. not like i was late to work today trying to resolve and talk to him. i've given him a headache. so i need to repent for that. doesn't matter than he has affected my work day, my vacation, it doesn't matter. all that matters is him and how he feels

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femalehysteria420 · 1 year

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No actually fuxk all the people who traumatized me i dont give a fuck ill say their names im not fucking scared because nothing that they can do now is what they put me through fuck you julian and james (girls will get groomed by one man and abused by another within the same time frame lmfao but also james started dating an 14 year old when he was 19 so take that as you fucking will) and the biggest fuck younof all to grey thanks for ruining ny fucking lifeni cant sleep i cant eat anymore ive been relapsing weekly at this point soemtimes even more thannonce a week yeah its my fault but its your fucking fault to go to hell fuck you seriously and you know what im not a liar or a faker no one even follows this blog im fucking venting because i deserve it and i am so tired of hearing allt hese fears im crazy im auust a delusional hysterical woman im a liar for attention i made it all up wlel so what it im downright clinically insane i dont guve a fuck i dont give a fuck if im fucking schizoaffective and bpd whatever fuck it fuck you i hope allof these people die i hope youre miserable i hope someone tortures and kills you but it makes me so mar becuaee youll never understand youll never get the pain and suffering youve put me through and when i inevidably find the appropriate time to kill myself my blood will be on your hands and before i go you better expect me to go fucking hannah baker fucking dark betty cooper whatever i will be your worst nightmare i deserve a good for her suicide and i hope grey will never be able to find a job when i tell everuone, and i mean everyone, i dont care befause at this point if i can come upnwith a plan that isnt too impulsive who gives a shit if i post my final exposee on facebook god isiund like hannah baker but you know what she was right and im right fuck you forever i hope every this whole world burns i hope everything burns i dont care is what i keep saying buti do care i do care a lot ajd i hopeaplnof i hese epople live horrible miserablenlifes then spend anotehr eternity of hell suffering I could kin lime from the witchs heart couldnt i but anyway theyll never get it theyll never understand the weight of what they did to me they ruined my fucking life you ruined everything for me i hate you i hate you more than i could even put into words i sound insane i KNOW is oumd imsane but who cares about me sounding insane anymore

Actually scratchall that my friwnd texted me and i remember my friends make me happynand inlove theknok fuck i cant fucking type fuck all the bad people but i love my friends holy shit do i have borderlinenpersonality disorder

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selznick · 1 year

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idk fucking know.rant ig??? not big idk

but like i ibly rlly have 1 friend that im close to and thats ive opened up to about my austism and ocd like even a bit,,,,, and like my autism is fine or whatever and sure sometimes idk how to deal with people but its fine and we joke so its cool but my ocd is like,, a legit problem for me that I dont joke about but they will,,,, like sometimes i will casually mention it around them but they will joke abt it and like kool whatever,, ocd isnt happenong rn so idc ig

but like she was telling me how she went to a hincent van gogh exhibit abt his life and depression and how she cried at the 'ear'aser in the giftshop after, , and like its a hood point,,, people like to portray him cutting off his ear as like some cutesy joke or romantic gesrure and not like a seriours mental break down and self harm,,, which like cool she cares abt mental health and uknow the seriousness of it all

except when its roght in front of her??? like i messaged her when i wanted to pour boiling water on my foot to 'clean' it and half my brain was fully on board with it and the other half was like no that will make ot worse stop,,, so i messaged her as like idk a reaching out for some sort of help or distraction from my stupif fukcing brain,,, and she was just like,, no why would you do that? and was just argueing with me,, like thats not logical,,,, and I FUCKIING KNOW THAT WHY DO U THINK THERE ISNT BOILING WATER ON MY FOOT WHILE IM TEXTING U,,, and shes just like but why would u eevn think that,, like rememeber ur precious vincent van gogh and his fucking ear and my fuxking ocd,, and shes just like,, ohhh

and i talk to her when i was worried about getting sepsis from a small cut on my toe,, and shes just like no ur fine, uve not got sepsis obvi,, and like i brought it up again cuz its the only thing my brain would think of,, and she got annoyed that i kept bringing it up and now she fuxking jokes about me being obsessed with sepsis and that i just always think i have sepsis

like sorry my brain literally cant stop worrying abt this shit,, sorry i have phantom pains from my ocd that make me worry more and continue the fucking cycle

anyway today i was like ugh im gonna have a headache after yards,, could just feel one starting before it uknow,, and shes like just drink from the water fountain,, and i tell her i cant bcuz there was like a weird bottle on it and other debris around it and my ocd cant handle that,,, and she just tells me to drink from it and that its not an issue,, and when i was like ya no my ocd rmemeber she says shed drink some from it and then i could becuz were liek made from the same stuff so same body,,, and like how can i explain in a concise way that ya u can drink it fine but u r not me with stupid brain disease that doesnt care for logical conclusions and that no we dont have the same body were not even related and the fact i was vomiting for like an entire day not too long ago so my brain has been pretty weird abt it since,, and i cant so i instead say smth like,, no were not the same body and i was sick at christmas and i would still feel ill or throw up because my brain placebo would still fuck it up

she still pushes me to just drink from the fountain cuz its not a big issue but like to me it is,, another friend had a water bottle and offered me some amd that end the conversation so thank god they were there otherwise id have to argue my own thoughts to someone,,, do you srsly think i want my actions to b this illogical,, no i want to just live and be able to carry on without brain worms controlling what i can and cant do

but like its so frustrating to have to argue logic and reason with my own brain,, i dont want to have to have the same arguement with a friend that cant seem to understand how much it affects me because im not currently screaming crying and cutting my limbs off

and it sucks becuz shes like the only person i an talk to but she just doesnt understand and doesnt seem to care

my finger has a cut on it at the moment,, similar to my toe,, and its fucking with my brain,, only thing i can rlly think of,, but i cant talk to the one person i can talk to becuz its just an annoyance to her and i should just get iver it,,, not like i can feel other pain in parts of my body that my brain is relating to it and not like i had to convince myself that my gums were a normal colour (they were) and not blue black,,,, but i cant even just b like o ya my brain thinks im dying can u distracct me cuz shes just be weird about my mental health and bring it up later as a joke

but i dont rlly joke abt my ocd,, i make some nokes abt having it but not my actual symptoms and i feel weird eevn fully talking abt it in case someone find out, doesnt take it serious and doesn something on purpose to spite/upset me,, so for her to make jokes abt my symptoms without even showsing any sympathy while im going through them just fukcing sucks,,, and like ive not daid anything bcuz idk how to breatch that topic,,,,, ummm i think u dont care abt my mental health and it makes me not want to ever talk to u abt it but at the same time ur the only person i can talk to abt it and the jokes make me super uncomfy please inhenrently knpw what my brain needs thanks,, i just,, ik shell be like sorry im not good at reading ppl so i didnt realise cuz thats what she said abt the van gogh and me boiling water foot thing ,,,, like babes u know abt my asd and ocd and im currently telling u abt my distressing thoughts,,, thats not people skills im fucking telling u im going through it like RIGHT NOW and u just do not care

ok this rant was bigger than i thought,, oop

my arm aches now and i need to frind smth to ditract me from the urge to chop ny finger off 🙃🙃🙃

#long post #rant about my asd and ocd and my friend

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echosofmyself · 1 year

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how sad i must look, how pathetic i must be, for all to look at me and decide to step on me.

it is pathetic, isnt it? how i feel my stomach move whenever i think of standing up for myself, how i hold my tears deep inside and try not to show it, as you step on me, use me for your benefit, for your salvation.

how fun it must be, to not care about making me feel so bad all the time. how hilarious, to get away with everything by pinninh it on me.

i cant even say it's just a bad day. i was looking tru my old tweets, on that burner account i made when i thought you loved me. how every single one of those, are just me in my darkest moments when the light was so far away and all i could feel was the cold pf the air around me. even if i couldnt truly express the entirity of my feelings, how they tend to overwhelm me so quickly and keep a grip on me for months on end. With only 240 characters theres only so much you can say but "i fuxking hate living" seems to translate it all pretty easily.

It fun to see, now looking back, how every milestone of mine, every moment of my life, is determined by a period of sadness. since i was a kid who didnt know how to do friends to an adult to worries herself sick of any and all interactions. i wonder who made me like this? myself, by willingly deatching myself from reality early on, making it impossivbe to even care about what was happening aroudn me? or you, my forthbringer, who ignored me all my life except for the times where i disappointed you. Only in those times did you truly set your eyes on me, and now everytime someone looks at me all i see is your disappointed eyes wishing you had a better child.

every moment of my life seems to go back to the same place. no matter how sad now, how sad before, how bad, whenever i go down, all i can see is myself in the backyard, putting up the clthes to dry at 7am after you woke me up with the broom, because i forgot the say before.

i can forget everythinh in life, but i'll never forget that. For what is good momentns and art pieces gazed upon in wonder, compared to feeling like you have and are nothing, and that no one will love you as you wished to be loved.

Every bad moment goes back to that, since rock bottom can alwyas be reached again. No matter how much i run, how far i go, i alwayd end up back here, in that yard, putting up clothes in the cold air of february, thinkinking how i have to go get ready for school becuase im 14 and how i need to see the damage you did to my body with that broom you almsot broke on me and how i wish i was dead because everyday i wake up wondering ho bad youll make me feel and how little i should be for you to be pleased. Bakc then i cried and screamed and dreamed about going awya, of disappearing at 18, to never return and yet here i am at 22 back at the same house with you. You, who laughs when i tell you this because to you it was just another tuesday while to me it was the day i truly wish i could finally die.

and you'll call me dramatic and how i blame everything on you to exonorate myself of any blame, because perhaps i did deserve it and i just cant see it because i didnt dp what you wanted when u asked and i never was organzed or had the best grades or even pretended to try and care and ill listen to you tear me down so easily, because maybe some it is my fault but how you so eassily blame me for beig me cannot be normal.

i hope you can find the child you always wante din this new one, the child your son who ruined my life will give you. And you'll treat the child as best as you can because why blame a child for its fathers sins, sins you dont even know because i protect you from the truth. But it'll still hurt to see yu give this child all i ever asked from you, with an ease as if it was alwaus inside of you to be like this, and you simpky werent with me because i wasnt enought to deserve such treatmenrt. I wasnt what you wanted and therefore you werent what i wanted either. In a way, we're both to blame, arent we?

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floralbfs · 3 years

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ok it's officially monday can i text my head of major now

#im just kidding i have a little bit of self respect and dignity still #dunno if those r the things that i was thinking abt that come into play here but whatever snfbsndbns #i havent been able to stop thinking abt this kshdjsbdjd i even drafted the messgae already lmaoooooo #might change it a bit tho i feel kinda weird?👁️👄👁️#kind of feel like a stalker even tho the other professors' phone numbers were in the webpage like rly clearly #hhhhjshdjsbsnd and like ill be devastated if im told i cant join but if im told i can join and im an absolute idiot and don't know what to #do next???? what then?????? ill just be there like. haha hey everyone i am a moron from mechatronics....... im practically barely passing #some important classes and i know absolutely nothing about anything. really nice to meet you!#and if they ask me to introduce myself???? what should i do???? i will be forced to give them my deadname and hhhhhhhh #god i haveny been getting nearly enough sleep #im goign to try ti sleep now bc im goign to get five hours at most <3 and i have an exam at 9:30 <3 pain <3 #also the cute guy from class replied to my whatsapp story lmao #i feel nice bc my popular (w guys) friend said he wasnt replying to her but he talked to me😳😳 yes i know im petty and weird im just #attention starved sndbsbdb and i know he prob talked to her first and he doesn't care abt me beyond “that weird person from my algebra class #that has been maybe funny a few times” but i want to feel nice ok?????#also there's a fuxking grasshopper somewhere near here and i fuxking SWEAR it's so loud im going NUTS #ok ill go to sleep now <3 five hours and all #honey talk

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hollandsmushroom · 3 years

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DON'T YOU SEE

JJ x Plus size reader

No fuxking clue how many words this is but here you go, my first fic in ages! I hope y'all enjoy.

Fluffy soft JJ is the whole plot really.

You laid on the HMS Pogue, an oversized shirt covering your body as everyone else swam around the boat. Your hands were pressed into the soft flesh of your abdomen, you felt the bit where your stomach stuck out where your bikini pressed too much into your chub. Your friends looked to be having an amazing time, and you wishes so much to join them, but there was a deepest fear of rejection and mockery for your body. The rest of the pogues had already seen you in a swim suit before but today felt different, when you woke up and looked in the mirror, it felt wrong, you felt bigger, misshapen, unattractive, simply, you felt wrong. JJ watched you from the water, his eyes scanning your still figure, admiring how your shirt feel across your breasts, tucking into your back roll, slipping down off your belly and ending at your thick thighs. God, your thighs, part of him wanted to bite the soft flesh of your inner thighs as you wrapped your legs around this head. He shook his head, trying to get the thought out of his head because he could feel himself growing hard.

"Y/n, you joining us?" JJ called, trying to distract from his smutty thoughts.

"Nah, not today, sorry JJ," you replied, rolling your head to the side to look at him as you spoke.

"Aw, come on, the waters great and it's so hot out you have to swim," Kie shouted as she splashed at John B and Pope who wrote annoying her.

"Y/n, if you dont come in I'm pulling you in," JJ spoke, swimming closer to the boat, "I'm serious"

You looked down at him, seeing the threat behind his eyes, you stood up, it was slightly painfull seeing as your sweaty thighs had stuck to the fiberglass of the boat. You sucked in a deep breath, tugging the shirt over your head, leaving you in just your high waisted bikini. JJs eyes widened, he let out a low whistle, mumbling 'damn'. Had it been most other days you wouldnt have caught the adoration in his voice but you would have taken his explitive as a compliment, but you weren't like you were most other days. Taking his words as mockery, tears pricked your eyes, you dove over him, entering the water just behind him and diving deeper and swimming underneath his legs and under the boat, gasping for breath when you came up on the other side. You laid in your back, ears under water as you caught your breath, what you couldn't hear was the group freaking out, especially JJ.

"Y/n should have come up by now" he spoke, spinning himself around in the water.

"Yeah, they should have," John B agreed looking down into the murky depths past his feet but seeing nothing.

"Y/N!" JJ called before diving down, looking to see if you had hit a rock or something but unable to find any sign of you.

You lifted your head out of the water, hearing your friends call out for you, and it clicked, something you hadn't realized in your fog of self loathing that you had dove into the water and then disappeared. They must be freaking out, you thought as you gripped the edge of the boat, kicking you legs as you hoisted yourself in, grabbing your shirt immediately to cover your body.

"Hey guys," you hollered, catching there attention as they all searched for you.

"Y/N, what the actual fuck, we thought you drowned" Pope yelled

"You scared the shit out of me," John B chimed in

"If you ever do some shit like that again you're dead to me, I was so worried" Kie added finally

JJ, as opposed to everyone else didnt say anything, just climbed into the boat and enveloped you in a hug. You flinched at the contact, not wanting anyone to feel how big you were.

"I thought you died," he whispered in your ear, and something in his voice broke when he spoke.

"Well I'm alive," you spoke, coldly, remembering what he said. He pulled back from the embrace, trying to look you in the eye, sensing that something was off.

"Yo, you good" he asked gently, still trying to catch your eye.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just remembered that my mom needed me home for something" it was a total lie, the only thing that your mom needed you to do was to stay the fuck out of her way.

"Oh, okay, guys we got to get Y/n home, they have something to do," JJ shouted to the rest of the group, even though he didnt really believe it.

The group was quick to return to shore, all piling into the twinkie to get you home. John B., Pope, and Kie all spent the way to your house chatting, but you stayed quiet, your hands fiddling in your lap, JJ was quiet too, watching you with concern and curiosity in his eyes, what was up with you? You never would have done the disappearing act earlier on any other day, you knew it would cause too much concern, he was also worried about your silence, you were often such a talkative and fun person.

"Sorry for cutting the fun short guys," you broke your silence as you stepped out of the van.

"Nah, it's fine, you didnt, cause ya know, the fun never ends," John B. smiled at you

"Plus, there is always time tonight, we could meet back up at the Chateau," Pope chimed in.

"Yeah, maybe," you smiled softly, thinking about how you didnt want to see anyone else today, just lay in bed. As you climbed the steps to your house someone caught your wrist making you turn around, your eyes meeting JJs. As soon as you saw him, you felt your heart melt a little, how gently his hand was on yours, but then you remembered what he said earlier. You pulled your wrist from his grasp, looking him dead in the eye.

"Yes, JJ?" You asked, a slight bitterness in your tone, causing him to step back.

"I-I just wanted to say goodbye," he said, scratching the back of his neck anxiously.

"Oh, bye" you said, opening the door and closing it quickly behind you, your back hitting the wood.

JJ stood there for a second, staring at the paint peeling off the door, feeling wounded at your coldness.

"Hey JJ, you comin?" Kie yelled at him from the Twinkie, snapping him out of it.

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled, jogging back down the steps.

You stayed in your room for hours, your phone buzzing on the night stand as you hid under the covers. The sun had set on the water, the sky still shining a faded orange and purple. You hadn't moved since you got home, just laid in bed and let your mind stop, the existence of your body disappearing beneath the covers.

Your cheeks were damp with tears, wiping them away as they feel was too much work. There was a light knock on your window, making you shoot up straight in bed, looking at the window pain, behind sat a very concerned looking JJ.

You got out of bed, lifting up the window and stepping aside so JJ could climb in, this was something he had done before, crash at your house if he was tired of John B. but didnt want to go home.

"Hey Y/n," he spoke softly, a rarity for JJ

"JJ, what are you doing here?" you hissed, still not wanting to be around anyone

"Well, you weren't answering your phone and you were acting really weird earlier so I, I got worried"

"Yeah, like you care" you snapped, still over reacting at his words earlier

"What the fuck is your deal," he bit back "I'm trying to be nice, to be a good friend, and maybe make you realize that I fucking like you but you keep shooting me down,"

"What?" you muttered

"Nevermind, I shouldn't be here," he said, making a move for the window.

"No, you cant like me," that caught his attention, he turned around, your face was confused, your brain clearly trying to put things together, "how could you like me when I look like this, I mean, you even mocked me this morning,"

"Wait, what? Mocking you? When, what? And why the fuck cant I like you, is there some rule somewhere written in fucking stone,"

"Yeah, you made a mocking cat call when I took off my shirt to swim,"

"You thought I was mocking you?" His brow furrowed "I wasnt mocking you, that was genuine, I was trying to get you to realize that I have a thing for you!"

"JJ why?"

"Why? Why what? Why do I like you? Are you serious? Have you seen yourself!"

"Yes, yes I fucking have and that's exactly why you cant like me," you yelled, a tear escaping your eye.

"What are you even saying, Y/n?"

"This" you gestured to your body "This is why you cant like me, I'm fat JJ, I jiggle and my thighs rub, I have back rolls, I-" JJ cut you off, grabbing your face in his hands, thumbing your cheeks softly as he pressed his lips to yours hastily. You melted into him, giving yourself to the kiss, as if something in you surrendered to his affection.

You both pulled away, gasping for breath, forehead leaning on each other.

"Y/n, I like you, and that's always been something I've had a hard time saying, but I do, I like how you stomach sticks out, and how thick your thighs are, sometimes I imagine myself between them," you pulled back, looking him dead in the eye and biting your lip. "Moving on, I like how your boobs aren't a handful, they are like 5 handfuls, and how soft your back rolls are, I like you, I like your body, so get that through your dumb head," he joked, tapping your skull causing you to giggle. He pushed you down onto the bed, him landing softly on top of you. "Now that's out of the way, will you please just be mine, Y/n?"

"Yeah, JJ, I'll be yours, happily," his face broke into a smile as he ran his hands up and down your sides, leaning down and mashing his lips with yours.

#jj maybank #jj x reader #obx #obx netflix #obx fic #jj fluff #jj x plussizereader #plus size reader insert #john b #outer banks #jjxreader #jj maybank fluff

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its-an-inxp-again · 3 years

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Dismantling 9s stereotypes

Not dumb. We actually have access to the inner void more than others. "Holy crap do I exist?? Am I here??" bullshit

We smart by associating things together and viewing general trends (eg philosphical trends of thought). Can focus on specifics but thats boring man. Would rather study an entire philosophical trend than just a certain part of the theory of one philosopher. Big picture. The whole. How does this fit in the bigger context. Etc. (This is not mbti sensing. You can focus on the specifics of a certain theory and still be intuitive)

Weird capability to be instantly attuned to your own physiological and psychosomatic states but also easily able to just tune them out and ignore them (I notice my emotional reactions through this most of the time. Otherwise I dont think Id even notice them)

I actually like conflict it energizes me. But then like. Not too dramatic though. Not "we actually falling apart" conflict but more like "eh we have highs and lows" conflict. It makes the rp more real and united so I weirldy feel more UnityTM bs after/during a conflict

Maybe I just havent experienced actual heavy conflict? (Doubting your own experiences is also a nine thing. and a pain in the butt)

Going "same" all the time. Feeling kinda comforted that other people are going through the same shit as you do. Oh who doesnt you said? Well. 4s

Again, "I need to find myself again after social interactions" is just a nine thing. Why werent you yourself around others girl? You felt like the universe was pushing you into its orbit and wanted to make you part of the flux of reality? Yeah. Yeah thats the point

Idk how to tell you this but emotional masochism and self harm can be nine bullshit. I need to write an essay on how I spent so much time diving into my own inner pain on purpose and it wasnt fuxking related to 4 in any way. (Spoiler: it gave me a sense of self I didnt feel I had otherwise)

Taking showers, snuzzling in blankets, exercising, eating a bit too much/too little, not actually minding physical pain etc, all just to feel your body again bc it otherwise feels like its just evaporating all the time. Its like idk porous. Im air.

Thinking youre a 5 or a 4 bc your "actual self" its whats "inside" and felt when you "close off", while what you show to people its just "not you" or "for convenience"

I have opinions, likes and dislikes, and can assert myself. Except when its actually crucially important and I may lose a relationship w someone and feel strong emotions

Being like "Oh I care so much about you" a second before and then "I dont feel anything" as soon as the person is actually gone forever

Basically its all or nothing. Either youre part of me and my universe or youre not. Cant actually stand the separation and chaotic bit - your emotions naturally bring you to a static and still place, whether it is w x person or not

Wondering if what youre feeling is real or not. Whatever that means

Disliking strong emotions and reactions

Feeling said emotions and reactions but then they just slip away and you feel empty like nothing ever happened. Did x actually impacted me in a meaningful way? I have no way of knowing

I am sea. My reactions are just a wave after another. They may be strong now, but they wont afterwards.

Edit: adopting the bad guy aesthetics to regain a sense of power you dont feel you have most of the time. Basically being petty/bratty in dumb ways that wont actually affect your relationships

#ennea9 #enneagram 9 #enneagram #ennea5 #enneagram 5 #ennea4 #enneagram 4

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diobrando · 2 years

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Idk how to do a read more on mobile anymore lol but uhhh idk keep scrolling since this is about my dogs

So I've got 2 senior German Shepards and their lifespan is between 10-14 years and ofc less if theyre boys (which they are) and one of my dogs is already 14 (if im remembering correctly and we got him for my uncle back in 2008) and the other dog we have no real way of knowing his age bc he was a stray that my brother forced me to take care of... it was a whole thing bc the dog wouldn't leave bc my brother kept giving him food and water and there's this ledge at the back of our property that had tons of vines and other plants ANYWAYS the point is that he would sleep there during the day and animal control never saw him when they spent 2 weeks in our neighborhood collecting the strays which my brother took as a sign to just transition the dog from there into our actually property and it was very annoying because we already had the dog my uncle no longer wanted (he originally said he'd take the dog bc his daughters agreed to help but they never did so the dog was very underweight by the time we moved into our house and my uncle saw how healthy he looked when they went to el Salvador for a month and we took him in so thats how ownership was transferred lol) but anyways I spent the first year pissed bc this dog was bigger than our first dog and he would steal his food, attack him, and ofc the cleanup was so hard bc we still hadn't covered up the dirt patches and they'd both make crazy messes... they get along fine now like they def love each other and I love them both since we've had them for so long now but they're so old... champion has his off days where he won't eat and he'll sometimes have accidents in my room (he doesn't get in trouble I know its not on purpose) and he has trouble with the steps out front and even falls into the gap between the fence :/ he's my 14 year old and he also has advanced arthritis so I try to be extra gentle and accommodating with him by buying him comfy beds and taking things extra slow and helping him get up (when possible bc I never know if he's going to bite me for it and I dont mind if he bites my hand but in some positions I just dont want to risk him feeling uncomfortable and lashing out and getting my neck or face bc god knows that would hurt a lot since both my dogs have strong bites) geez ok and ny other dog I estimate is btwn 11-13 hes so aggressive and territorial which is a major problem. He is not really allowed off the property bc I cant control him or hold him back if he lashes out (and I have been on the receiving one of his soft bites and let me tell you those things hurt so fuxking bad and it wasn't even that serious like yeah it tore the skin and I bled but it was just the surface and it was so funny bc he immediately knew he fucked up and went slack) but yeah he also has arthritis and its not as bad as my older dog but it will most likely get worse and he also has a weird growth on his chest between his 2 front paws and its like.... im already spending my money on their dog food (I wanna say roughly $60 a bag and $30 for a few packs of chicken or champion won't eat at all and this is every month) and I told my brother to consider what he wants to do with shaggy bc he is old and its most likely a tumor and idk if its gonna be worth it to spend thousands esp for him when he's the only one in his household that works and he has to support his wife, 2 kids, and the animals they have (yes my brother moved out and left me with that beast of a dog and he NEVER comes to visit them anyways so why put up a front like youre concerned... this is just like the new years eve incident when my dog ate a huge block of rat poison and I saw him finishing it and i had to immediately induce vomiting and then when he said he'd go to the vet with me he wanted me to wait 2 hours like ????? HELLO? HE ATE POISON!!! and then I had to spend the night at the ER bc my brother and mom had a stupid fight and she tried to kill herself)

so idk if it would be the right move to put them down soon or to let them die at home (probably in my room bc that is where champion spends most of his time when someone is at home) and it doesn't even matter which dog dies first (naturally it'll probably be champion) the other dog is going to be so depressed

#long post #sorry idk im not counting on anyone to read this or offer any advice either im just talk to myself bc i dont really have anyone to talk to

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