#let me be 30kg
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Starving myself so when I get a boyfriend I can sit on his lap in hoes he says something like. "Wow, you weigh literally nothing !!"
My dream.
#thin$po#skinnni#tw disordered eating#girlblogger#tw ed diet#workout#eat less#edblog#ed#tw restrictive ed#skinnii#tw eating issues#tw ana diary#i wanna be skinny#boyfriend ?#glow up#let me be 30kg#skinny ?#why am i so ugly#ill probably be fine
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Happy New Year!
As the year draws itself to a close, I would offer my own semi-✨inebriated✨ reflections. I have drank, and when I drink, I drink.
What this year meant for me, your humble resident fanatic snail:
2023: 2020-me, a year of an adventure, reflection and reignition being the theme.
This year, I have:
Concluded a parenting milestone, my body once again becoming my own.
Lost a whopping 30kgs (67lbs for my American friends).
Involved myself in fandom (thank you, August for OPLA).
Found myself again, and enjoyed who I have become.
Fallen in love again.
Made friends that are exclusively my own: no connection via work, children or husband - purely my own for once in 7 years
@sordidmusings @feral-artistry @writingmysanity, you absolute darlings. I have enjoyed our chats immensely. I love you all so so much. You are amazing and I could not imagine my life without you.
10 years involved with my husband, 7 years married
Celebrating my final years of my youth (20s)
Writing again: creating again
Playing music again
Being hired to play music again
Learning linguistics again
Speaking Japanese again
Soft launch below the cut.
This is me, in all my snail glory. The dress was $10 from an op shop, and I love it.
Merry Christmas, happy new year. I have loved my time here on Tumblr and appreciate everyone.
Literally crying writing this. So much love in my heart for each and every one of you who have joined me on this creative journey.
@sexc-snail @vespidphoenix @i-am-vita @gingernut1314 @empressofmankind @tiredemomama @httpwintersoldier @hazzyking I love you all dearly and I would love to get to know you better coming into the new year.
Just know, my absolute favourite moot-ship is @empressofmankind and @tiredemomama - never stop loving on each other. I adore the two of you individually and collectively. You are both stunning, please keep doing what you're doing.
@since-im-already-here, my dear, my darling, my first baby. I love you. Thank you for being here and encouraging me - enabling me. My flesh and blood, my sister 10 years younger. My first baby. Never let them dampen your sparkle.
Let's see what 2024 brings us. Love, happiness, tranquility, and reflection be the only queues and prompts I have for all of you.
愛してる。je teime. Every single one of you.
And to think, this of all started with silly little thoughts about a silly little clown.
(Disclaimer: I am an "I love you guys" kind of drinker - and I, very much, love you guys)
#FanaticSnail#fic writing#inebriated thoughts#opla fic writer#opla fic writers#opla#buggy#fandom writer#i love you#fan fic writing#happy new year#new years eve
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Hello, it's me 😅 I hope you can forgive me for not being active. I should probably explain a little. It's that I had some health problems, for a realy long time actually. That's why I talked about taking a break so often...
I was supposed to start being healthier a long time ago, but I just couldn't. I was too excited about gaining weight and that you guys liked it. I kept telling myself that I'll just enjoy it for a little longer, but it was harder and harder to convince myself.
Don't get me wrong, I was realy happy the whole time, as I got used to new habbits and slowly forgotten about old ones. But my body wasn't quite able to catch up... I actually had some contitions even before, but it seems like I pushed my luck too far.
That's also partially why I gained so fast. I don't own a scale, so I was pretty shocked when my doctor said that I gained almost 30kg in 6 months (if it wasn't for my bad health, I'd find that pretty awesome tho). I was said that I'd normally need more than a year to gain that much.
Luckily, my health got a little better again, but the process is leaving me very insecure. But it's true that now, after a long time, I feel like I want to dive into my kink, sincerely, softly and without pressure this time.
But that'll have to wait for now. And althought I am somewhat proud of my weight gain, now I must seriously think about losing some, or I won't be able to fully recover...
I felt like I should let you know how things are with me, tho I admit I was a little scared I'd dissapoint you. I trully feel like I'm two different people now. I want two different things, I have two different opinions. I was always out and proud about my kink in front of my friends and everyone was always like "ok, you do you" and never shamed me. But as they noticed I started having some complications, they switched to "now look where that got you" and I still feel so ashamed of myself. Then I got to talk with someone who went through similar stuff and decided to write myself out. So thank you all for reading my chaotic post ❤
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Jackson's secret part I
Jackson had always been the embodiment of youthful energy and athleticism in the Thompson family. His defined jawline, chiseled physique, and infectious enthusiasm for life painted a portrait of a young man on top of his world. Yet, life, with its unpredictable twists, had added an unfamiliar layer to Jackson's canvas: an extra 30kg that draped his once-muscular frame.
Despite being a gifted conversationalist who could weave tales that left listeners enthralled, Jackson’s inherent shyness often lay masked beneath his bubbly exterior. Now, as the family reunion loomed, this trait was amplified, overshadowed by the anxiety of presenting his changed self to the world. To combat this, he devised a plan, one that involved a meticulous overhaul of his wardrobe. Oversized shirts, strategic layering, and dark colors became his chosen armor, each piece selected to deflect attention from his transformation. His most guarded secret, however, was a tightly-laced corset. While it gave him a semblance of his former silhouette, the corset’s constricting embrace became a constant reminder of the weight he bore, both literally and metaphorically.
The Thompson family gatherings were legendary. Filled with laughter, stories, music, and the inevitable drama, these reunions were a testament to the strong familial ties that bound the clan together. This year's event held an added layer of excitement. Whispers and hushed conversations filled the hallways. The focal point of all this speculation? Jackson's anticipated return after a prolonged absence.
Among the sea of familiar faces, three stood out prominently: Jackson's cousins. A trio of lanky young men, now 18, 19, and 20, they were the embodiment of youthful cockiness. To them, Jackson was more than a cousin; he was an icon, the indomitable leader of their shared childhood escapades. Their memories of him remained untarnished by time, and as they eagerly scanned the crowd, they looked forward to rekindling the bond and reliving the adventures of their younger days.
The old factory stood, just as they remembered, a short distance from the Thompson household. Bathed in the afternoon sunlight, it seemed to shimmer, inviting them into its vast chambers. For Jackson and his cousins, this place was a time capsule, holding onto the echoes of their shared past.
Energized by the familiar surroundings, they instinctively began a round of "catch me." Giggles and shouts echoed as they zigzagged, recreating scenes from their childhood. Richard, lean and athletic, made sharp turns with grace, his cocky grin unwavering. "Trying to fly, Jackson? You seem a bit... grounded today," he teased with a chuckle.
William, with a hint of extra weight himself, observed, “You know, Jackson, it’s not just the clothes that are slowing you down. There’s... more to you now.” His voice carried the blunt honesty he was known for, but also a note of empathy.
Harry, the extroverted soul of the group, laughed. “He’s right! But it’s all in good fun. We all evolve, after all.” His light-heartedness was a buffer, easing the tension.
But Jackson's shortness of breath was becoming more evident. He shot back, feigning nonchalance, "I’m just letting you guys have a head start."
Richard, sensing an opportunity, pressed on. "Jackson, are you wearing armor or something under there? Because it sure looks like it!" He said, nudging William and winking.
Feeling the playful mood shift, Jackson tried to deflect, “Guys, it's just some layers. Nothing more."
But William’s curiosity was piqued. “You know what? Let’s find out. No secrets among us.” And with that, he moved towards Jackson, his intentions clear.
Before Jackson could protest, Harry, always the one to act on impulse, said, “Hold still, Jack!” He approached Jackson from behind, and with Richard's help, they began to playfully peel off Jackson's layers. There was resistance, some playful struggling, but the trio's determination prevailed.
And then, the secret was out. Jackson's constricting corset was exposed, as was his noticeably fuller frame underneath. The room went silent, each cousin processing the revelation in his own way.
Richard, eyebrows raised, remarked, "Jackson, that's quite the transformation."
Harry, still in slight shock, tried to inject some humor, “I guess that’s one way to keep things... tight.”
William, not one to mince words, placed a hand on Jackson’s shoulder. “It’s different, yeah. But it’s still you. And hey,” he said, patting his own stomach, “nobody's perfect."
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Hey, I'm Owen :)
He/Him
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
Bout me :
Not pro ed
Not fatphobic
Pro recovery
I just have issues because of dysphoria and body image that it lol
Let's be mutes! I'm a nice guy, I promise! :)
Stats [TW]
Sw: 57kg
Cw: 55kg
Lw:41kg
Gw1:43kg
GW2:38kg
UGW: 30kg
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
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In Landos sky interview, him saying hes not just there to let everyone past.... I felt that.
With Carlos saying Lando was agressive in defending against him in the sprint, Like Carlos mate, Lando qualified ahead of you on merit of course he's going to defend his place, he's not going to let you just go past. Also Charles I love you but my love for lando is more, Again Lando is racing you his job isnt to help you, " Obvioulsy I know hes not this type of guy, but for some reason today he was very aggressive, and also yesterday with Carlos"
Like, sweetie I dont think he was aggressive, I do know that the man lost 30kg over the weekend from his food poisoning and has been feeling awful- which you know full well, but also he was DEFENDING his position he was racing you, this is like the first time Lando has recieved a pentalty for a move during racing unless you count austria last year which lots of people dont.
Lando has defended against the top 3 teams one of the few who have actually defended against M*x. He's not going to make it easy for you all....
Im very denfensive of my poorly boy today. The hate he has recived from Charles fans has angryed me so much....
some people act that just because you’re not top 3 teams that you shouldn’t fight them but then why are they on the same track? lando has championships that he wants to do well in too he’s not here to just sacrifice his race for those around him. i understand charles fans being annoyed about yesterday but they need to grow up if they think sending hate to lando is a good way to go about it.
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Yesterday @flograppling posted up a video of the training we have been doing with @victorhugojj and the six blades crew. I got several questions - one asked why we lift heavy weights with our fighters & another asked about the use of submaxmial efforts for training jujitsu players (I am paraphrasing here). - For some background, I have worked with 10s of thousands of athletes and was very fortunate to put out free programming on CrossFitFootball dot com then travel the world meeting the athletes doing the programming through the CFFB seminars I taught - for almost 10 years we traveled the globe. I learned a lot in those times and had conversations and mentorship from some of the best in the field of human performance. During that time the information supported what old man Zangas told me many years in his garage in Palos Verdes when asked a similar question, “If light weights made us strong, why would we lift heavy weights? Lifting heavy weights is work - it takes time, effort and focus. You can’t just phuck around and lift heavy weight. Everyone should lift weights, but lifting heavy weights isn’t for everybody.” Let me give you an example from Zatsiorsky - A person curls 30kg dumbbell causing the following to occur: (a) maximal number of Muscle are recruited; (b) the fast MU, which are also strongest, are activated; (c) the discharge frequency of motorneurons is optimal; (d) motoneuron activity is synchronous. When a 15g dumbbell is lifted, (a) only a portion of MUs are recruited, (b) the fastest MUs are not recruited, (c) the frequency of neural stimulation is not optimal and MU activity is asynchronous. The intramuscular coordination is different between the two - 15kg load cannot improve the intramuscular coordination required to overcome a 30kg resistance. Are sub maximal loads useless? No…not if you use compensatory acceleration and reference Dr. Fred Hatfield’s work. We can leave that for another day. Here are few videos I had on my roll. Me floor pressing 500+ a while back. PA coach & HAMR Bill Williams squatting a heavy 2.5. Vic’s ME unilateral work on the wheck boards. @arash_soofiani hitting triples. #powerathlete #sixblades #bjj (at Hill Country) https://www.instagram.com/p/CrOHkkdLWkY/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
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f1guf0to is literally scalping. "Reselling isn't scalping." Not, it's not, but flipping a head and charging 395EUR for something you literally paid approx. 187EUR for ON THE DAY YOU RECEIVED IT is scalping. They're not even including everything that came in the auction. Per the seller's Yahoo listing (the actual artist HAS an instagram and I suspect f1guf0to deliberately didn't tag them because they know this is super sleazy):
・碁石アイ3種類 (碁石にデカールを貼り付け後、レジンでコーティングしたものです。あくまで試作品ですので僅かな汚れ等見られる物も御座います。 猫目の水色と桃色、卵形の桃色の3組セットです。 卵型の虹彩デザインokadaerk様。) Translation:
3 types of goishi eyes (Decals are applied to the Go stones and then coated with resin. (Some of them are prototypes, so they may have slight stains, etc.) The set includes 3 sets: cat eyes in light blue, peach, and oval peach. Oval iris design by 0kadaerk)
So not only are they charging 208EUR more than they paid for it, they're removing items from what was included in the original sale price! Proof: Here is a link to the original auction, including photos of the head with each of the 3 pairs of eyes: https://page.auctions.yahoo.co.jp/jp/auction/e1045157151
Someone asked why they're charging double on their post! "If you are pro artist then why are you listing a head for double the price?" figuf0to: Double shipping fee, proxy fee and taxes. Many EU sellers add it to their sales prices. "Hi, with all due respect, I'm a little uncomfortable with this sale. It's twice the auction price, so not very respectful of the artist? I would understand if you just didn't bond with the head but buying on YJ for profit makes the artists wary of foreigners, which is understandable. This hurts all collectors long term." foguf0to: Hi! I understand your concern. With twice shipping, proxy fee and import taxes in mind I am still making a loss with this sale. I know there are people who don't like it if EU sellers add this to the price but I just want back at least most of what I paid 😊
"As a fellow European collector there’s no way you paid that much in customs for this. Please don’t give us European collectors a bad name :/" figuf0to: it isn't only the tax itself, as I mentioned.. For example the head was shipped in a huge box for some unknown reason and the shipping from the proxy to me was almost 100€ alone. I am really not aiming to gain from this sale. Yes I ordered it through buyee. I wouldn't call it a scam, I think the fee is reasonable but it was just the culmination of all extra costs (and mostly the super high shipping from buyee to me which then also added 100€ to the total to be taxed from) which just really made the sum go up. You really gotta take the extra costs into consideration, and that buyee will put the total costs on the parcel so that is what you'll have to pay import taxes off 😢
So, they are claiming that they are passing on shipping from artist to Buyee, then Buyee to German, plus their customs fee, totaled over 208EUR (since they claim they're still selling at a loss)
Let's see what we can work out with that info. They say they bought it on Buyee, and the artist posted the auction link approximately 2 weeks ago. This means that the shipping restrictions by Japan Post were already in place, and as far as I've heard/read, they haven't changed since that latest update on March 8, 2022.With that said, here is an estimated shipping cost using Buyee's own calculator.
Now, in their defense, Buyee DOES say this is just a quote, so it's possible that their estimate of 3,050JPY was missing a 0. It is also possible that figufoto bought more than 30kg in items.
Either way, let's change the item cost to the estimated total of 29,050JPY, which converts to around 212EUR (rounding up, and using xe.com)
so, 395-212=183EUR
Unless the combined length, width, and height of the package exceeded 3 meters, then the shipping estimate changes to 17,569JPY (~129EUR), I will admit. So, ASSUMING that figufoto bought ONLY the doll head (with 3 pairs of eyes included), and ASSUMING they're telling the truth that Buyee decided that a single doll head warranted a box with dimensions that exceeded 3 meters, then that brings us to import taxes.
Maybe figuf0to really IS telling the truth! If they're being truthful, then we can subsequently conclude that they are okay with passing on all incurred costs to the next buyer and that Buyee was desperate to offload a 1.1m x 1m x 1m box off onto some poor European victim who purchased a single item which would safely fit in a 6x6x6cm box! Because no one would pass on over 100EUR in shipping costs to the next buyer unless the item being sold was the full contents of the package that cost 100EUR to ship, right? Riiight? :)
I bet f1guf0to would charge only the sale cost for items they purchased within Europe!
...oh. Guess not. :(
~Anonymous
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Sherpa by Woochan
Must go up go get that bag
Burden on my shoulders can’t be unburdened
Flick of a finger calls a butterfly effect
Clinging onto a single rope I hope it run fast
Must go up go get that bag
Burden on my shoulders can’t be unburdened
Flick of a finger calls a butterfly effect
Clinging onto a single rope I hope it run fast
Run it up that’s me (x3)
Run it up (x2)
“Who got roasted? Who ruined it all?”
What’s the point of pointing fingers
One wrong move of one tarnishes us all anyways
Rock bottom you hit I hit anyways
You all know that guy
You made it this far, we’re this close to the top
Am I wrong? Honestly we’re all a nutcase
Walked and walked without a purpose
The days we messed up not on purpose
Well Imma forget all about it now
Tip of an iceberg we’re on a slope
Nothing compared to what I’ve been through
Struggles worser than a snow storm
Survive we’re some persistent badass
Everest goal is to be the best
Up to the top test my mind
Some fall behind alive
Can’t do it
Either all or one of us die
I’ve got the spirit of Um Hong-gil, and the sherpas
Drama’s the reality, the harsh reality
My life means desperation, I’m numb to pain
I’ve got the spirit of Um Hong-gil, and the Sherpas
Run it up that’s me (x3)
Run it up (x2)
Guy trained for six years will be permanent snow, a legend
Things are changing but not here
Trapped under ground opening mini concerts
We lost one of our own last month, throw away our memories together
Emotions all frozen up
I don’t open mine anymore
Who am I to beg him not to go, he wants to stop
What’s the use in holding on
Let the rope go and let go
Down he falls to the crevasse, there he goes
Want to end this then I say “let’s live”
Honestly I dunno let’s just go
Moved in and out our second dorm is our basecamp
30kg backpack weighing me down
Pack up, gotta move down as much as we came up
Legs and torso all stiff out of nerves
Must go up go get that bag
Burden on my shoulders can’t be unburdened
Flick of a finger calls a butterfly effect
Clinging onto a single rope I hope it run fast
Must go up go get that bag
Burden on my shoulders can’t be unburdened
Flick of a finger calls a butterfly effect
Clinging onto a single rope I hope it run fast
Someday we’ll reach the top
Someday we’ll reach the summit
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ed warning
I literally lost 3kg in 1 week. 46kg~43kg
If you also want this.
Listen up !!
~I have a smoothie or juice at 1pm. (homemade) (200 cals?)
~5:30pm I have my dinner. It can be up to 400cals, it doesn't matter.
~Warm water morning and night
~Workout as soon you wake up
~Weigh myself every morning
~5k steps everyday, atleast
~I hour dance (I do ballet)
Thats all I do.
I hope you all can lose weight, too !!
Love you all, stay happy, healthy and skinny !! xo
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Poor Geddy TToTT she’s such an anxious girl I’ve been working really hard with her that she should come sit between my legs when something or someone else approaches, that way if it’s something scary she’s already somewhere safe (under mom) and she can handle it better. For low-level scary situations when she’s been startled (e.g., a bike suddenly zooming past out of nowhere), I can usually have her sit, stand over her, and pet her until she calms down. Something on this evening’s walk spooked her, then there were two delivery vans which didn’t help (big, loud), then there was a samoyed and she looked at it like Mother What Is That Thing, then a kid walked too close to her while she was scared and she’s already afraid of new people and has to meet them under very specific circumstances (usually doesn’t let people pet her until the second or third time she’s met them). All of it was too much and she tucked tail and ran (all the while the old fart with the samoyed was glaring at me -- ma’am my dog is scared go fuck yourself). I tried to keep her from running but she is a 30kg chonk so I was only moderately successful, and she was in such a panic I was scared she would hurt herself pulling at her harness. She walked away from the place we usually sit for her to have stick time and when I stood up she made a beeline for the side yard to hide behind the hedges there, peeked out from under them a few times, then ran around the hedges to the stairs up to the front door :( She didn’t stop running until I had shut the apartment door behind us. I wish I knew how to help her when she gets so scared like that; being a human with anxiety is hard, and I have the ability to reason and understand what things are. She’s just a baby basset
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Hello,
TW: ed
. Welcome to my bloggg here are some things you might want to know
. My name is Chris, and I'm from England...I'm pro recovery and have been struggling with ana for about 2 years on and off
. I'm 14, and have been in hospital never for ana but for other mental health reasons.
.I am looking for moots so if anyone is interested let me know? •-•
Here are my stats:
Height: 166cm 5ft 3
Sw: 55.4kg
Cw: 53.6kg
Gw: 40kg
Ugw: 35-30kg
My safe foods are:
. Ice berg lettuce
. pepsi max
. Cherry tomatoes
. Berries
. Rice cakes
. Gum
Let me know if you want me to post any specific things
Thanks for reading xxx
#i wanna lose weight#tw ed sheeran#ana y mia#tw 3d vent#3d diary#4norexla#ed relapse#tw restrictive ed#ed blogg#tw ana diary#tw disordered eating
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right...
so now the sports
to explain what I'm doing there? HA!
so...the thing about it is that I've been arguing with my feeds about certain things including how I don't have a lot of freedom to do what I normally do (so the bust/spirit weighs around Idk maybe 20-30kg? but imagine on your head and shoulders and back instead, right?)
and so, I was just keeping this old routine for years (of sports) it's routine! I can't help it
there's a reason why Lara Croft (the game character) looks like me from top to bottom, you know what I mean?
so anyway...
routine is routine
so somewhere around 2018 - 2023, I was doing my usual routine anyway (swimming and basketball included)
and in this period, I kinda dropped swimming for maybe 3 months cause...
you know...
I'm not that in touch with the body - I only remember the physical pain of the spirit passing through it
but I was like: let's spare some of that swimming anyway, cause my face won't stop morphing anyway
so, given that I didn't do sports (as much as before) so I only used the glucose in the body to think, the body usually drops the muscle mass pretty quickly
I'm a very ideal mixture of mesomorphic, ectomorphic and endomorphic (for a woman)
But I will admit, I drop the muscle quite easily without activity
so anyway, I got more in touch with the weight on my shoulders, through the muscles dropping, and a distance that usually takes me 30 minutes to walk, (without swimming) now took me around 1h
knowing that I dropped a lot of muscle mass, I'm aware I'm probably more ectomorphic - so incapable of taking long distances by foot/running anymore as before
so then I wondered about that (cause I can't see the body, I can only feel its hard nature in general (the locomotor system usually: muscles/bones) - though inside the metaphysical clothes, it looks more like clothes, so more malleable/elastic)
and my feeds were like...well, you did travel the distance that footballer players usually do for whole months in a row and that's why we removed the swimming times for you at least several times, cause you're not in touch with how much you pushed the body to the usual extreme...
see these football players running? they're all YOU!
so chill, why don't you? 🙄
---
yeah, but you know what's funny about me?
I never lose the essential fat, I really do look like Lara Croft
cause I'm wearing this T-shirt now that's for sports specifically and it's like...OMG I'm Lara CROFT!
but you know what else?
FOOTBALL PLAYERS!
and the lion nose
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Wholesome Retail Stories (1)
You know what, I am sick of hearing about terrible retail stories because they are all true, too common and make me think less of people.
But I am gonna try to post some stories of things that I have seen that show that there are good people (might make this a few times a week if I remember)
So there is this elderly woman (probably 70) and her grandson (probably 7). She wanted two of these bonkers heavy bookcases and obviously we aren’t gonna let her carry them and she asks about options and I tell her about putting it to our dock and loading it in for her.
Anyway myself and a team member get cages ready and start loading them and this small boy super wants to help lift. And like these are 30kg (66lb) so no way but he super wants to help is grandma. So my genius coworker is like, “could you take the docket with you, it is really important” and the kid was super stoked about that. Also bonus points that the lady was really nice about the whole thing.
Shoutouts to that family they are a good one
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You know what’s really funny… I lost a lot of weight due to 4n4 and mi@, then when I met my new bf he helped me recover but now I’m f4t again and back then I didn’t have all the things I had now to help me lose weight and develop 4na/mi@.. side note: I’ve always struggled with food since the age of 7. As I was saying I have more tools now to really fall deep into it especially the main factors being having a home gym, parents don’t care or watch what I eat (which is what helped the first time), having money, a job to distract me and still having an ed head yet I still cannot succeed in relapsing ( I say relapsing as if I still don’t struggle with food currently) but I mean like really falling deep and losing a lot a lot of weight like I did last time where people were worried about me because I lost 30kg in 3 1/2 months. I have all the tools necessary and all the time where I’m distracted yet I’m so fucking fat I cant stop myself from eating. I buy all my own food, no sugar coke, sparkling water, gum .. I have literally every piece of gym equipment, treadmill and all and I’m still failing I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I just want to be small again and feel small. I’ve started not allowing my bf to touch me anymore due to hating myself and my body… my seggs drive when deep in my ed was way more active then right now… I thought when u have an Ed ur supposed to lose it but howcome now I’m chubby I’ve lost it so much more. I have no one to rant about this too because no one understands how this feels. I’ve been so lost in limbo saying “I’ll relapse when I want because I’ve been deep in it before it’s my choice” but if I’m being honest I actually cant and I don’t know why. I always hear about people with Ed’s going through this where when they recover it turns to binge eating like a cycle and at some point your ed returns and then it continues the whole cycle but it’s been a year and I need @n@ back because mentally I’m dying and I miss the person I was when I was sick. I hate feeling this way. Sorry for this rant:/
P.s. just to add I used to be so skinny and blonde during this time which is the same time my bf met me so to add to it I feel even worse he has to see this version of me when it’s not the one he met and “fell in love with” he’s never made me feel this way though this comes from the fact I feel bad I have to make him see me like this when it’s not what he saw from the start. I feel like such a bad person please anybody tell me I’m a horrible person for getting into a relationship with him and then ending up becoming ugly and letting him endure this relationship when I look like this.
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Okay so some people have asked about Z. So below the cut is the story of Zeusimus Maximus.
May be triggering? But happy ending, right?
He's a failed foster. I am a failure.
One of my good friends who I sing with is an animal welfare inspector (RSPCA). I have many, many animals. I think 9 pets at the last count. A lot of them are due to her.
Anyway she posted a plea in group chat in February and asked if anyone can foster this poor boy as she didn't want him in kennels.
He was found in an abandoned house surrounded by his waste. He has been eating... Stuff... that he could find in the house.
The owner claimed that he wasn't starved, he was going back to the house every day to feed him (uh huh) and he's thin because he is ~old. I mean there is more to the story but I'm not privy to say. They claim he has been there for about 2 weeks.
Anyway. I saw the photos and cried. I sent the photos to my boss and she cried. She loves dogs more than life and she knows I adore them, too.
She said I could bring him into work every day to care for him and if anyone complained she would overrule them. It was just until he got better and rehomed. He was really poorly. He didn't even have the strength to keep his wee wee in it's sleeve and had to always wear a coat in case people thought I was mistreating him. Also... The cold.
Now. I'm allergic to dogs and cats. But for some reason, I'm fine with Z. Is it a sign? I don't know. Not complaining.
So he was getting his weight back on, coming out of his shell, acting like a puppy. Every time someone brought up interest of taking on ownership I sobbed like a bitch. Like, snotty, face swelling, disgusting sobs.
A private work chat happened behind my back and they all agreed he could be the office support dog and that he was good for my bad mental health. If he got too old the boys would carry him upstairs to my office. My boss has set up a 'trust fund' for any vet bills. They knew that work was the only reason I couldn't keep him. He is just adored by all who meets him so of course they wanted me to keep him.
He sleeps under my desk on a orthopaedic bed and snores like a bull. Constantly hungry, I don't know how to change his eating habits. To be fair though, he can eat as much as he wants. I'll not deny him.
Z was 16kg in the first pictures. Boxer dogs are supposed to be around 25 to 30kgs. He was 23kg at last weigh.
He is more or less deaf and can only hear my whistles. When he moves for the first time after sleeps, he shakes his whole body from front to back. Know he has his.. Ahem.. Balls. So they make clacking sound when he shakes and his back legs look like he is Irish dancing. I wish I could capture it on a video. If I ever do, I'll post it.
He is so nosy and any open car door is an invite for him to take a seat. Busses and vans? He gets excited and look in all the windows. When it comes to walk time, he gets so excited he freaks out and tries to find a toy to take with us. Most of the time I can't get it out of his mouth so it comes with.
The identity chip tells me that he is 13 in September. The oldest these dogs live to is time 16 so he will have the best last few years with me.
He is like my shadow. I've lost my free time to this dog. I can't go anywhere or do anything because I have to look after him or can't leave him too long. He won't let me sleep in... He wakes up so early..! And as an insomniac, any sleep I get is precious. He is always eating and I am always on a diet or hungry.
I tell you what though, I wouldn't have it any other way.
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