I need to rant so bad. My “bestfriend” who I barley see anymore cuz of everything she’s done is now going into ED rehab and everyone’s worried ab her including my mum cuz our families are close yet nobody cared when I was at my fudging lowest which I was legit a skeleton. I recovered but she’s only had it for like what a few months and everybody’s worried about her even when she legit did everything she could to make me feel like shit during mine and bullied tf outta me and even called me fat like WTAF. I’m so sick of her attention seeking its all she does. There was one point where she legit wanted to be me she dyed her hair and everything and stole all my clothes. I’m so pissed RN this has been sizzling thru my body and I don’t know wether to cry or scream and shout. And I cant tell anyone I’m angry because it feels wrong to say I had it first and she started hers for attention and Ofc I feel bad for her but it’s like you spent years bullying me and now you get an eating disorder and skinny everyone is worried about you. My bf helped me recover which I’m so greatful for except he doesn’t know ab this relapse and it’s all based on the anger that everyone cares when she had one but when I have one and get way lower than her no one cares about me at all. Ugh. Now my anger is coming from the fact I have to restart all over again and i feel like I’m never going to catch up . All of this sounds so bad but does anyone understand me. All she’s ever wanted was to be better than me and has always been the pick me friend but I feel like she’s absolutley shat all over me and I just want to smash everything around me. I’m trying not to self harm but it just feel like everything I did when I was struggling wasn’t worth it in the end for me to end up like this but also everything I did before no one cared idk. I didn’t want people to care but seeing how my own mother forced me to starve and shes acting all sad ab hearing the news ab my friend. I feel selfish but I’m so upset about this. There’s probably so much spelling mistakes and bad grammar in this but I just needed to let all of this out

You know what’s really funny… I lost a lot of weight due to 4n4 and mi@, then when I met my new bf he helped me recover but now I’m f4t again and back then I didn’t have all the things I had now to help me lose weight and develop 4na/mi@.. side note: I’ve always struggled with food since the age of 7. As I was saying I have more tools now to really fall deep into it especially the main factors being having a home gym, parents don’t care or watch what I eat (which is what helped the first time), having money, a job to distract me and still having an ed head yet I still cannot succeed in relapsing ( I say relapsing as if I still don’t struggle with food currently) but I mean like really falling deep and losing a lot a lot of weight like I did last time where people were worried about me because I lost 30kg in 3 1/2 months. I have all the tools necessary and all the time where I’m distracted yet I’m so fucking fat I cant stop myself from eating. I buy all my own food, no sugar coke, sparkling water, gum .. I have literally every piece of gym equipment, treadmill and all and I’m still failing I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I just want to be small again and feel small. I’ve started not allowing my bf to touch me anymore due to hating myself and my body… my seggs drive when deep in my ed was way more active then right now… I thought when u have an Ed ur supposed to lose it but howcome now I’m chubby I’ve lost it so much more. I have no one to rant about this too because no one understands how this feels. I’ve been so lost in limbo saying “I’ll relapse when I want because I’ve been deep in it before it’s my choice” but if I’m being honest I actually cant and I don’t know why. I always hear about people with Ed’s going through this where when they recover it turns to binge eating like a cycle and at some point your ed returns and then it continues the whole cycle but it’s been a year and I need @n@ back because mentally I’m dying and I miss the person I was when I was sick. I hate feeling this way. Sorry for this rant:/

P.s. just to add I used to be so skinny and blonde during this time which is the same time my bf met me so to add to it I feel even worse he has to see this version of me when it’s not the one he met and “fell in love with” he’s never made me feel this way though this comes from the fact I feel bad I have to make him see me like this when it’s not what he saw from the start. I feel like such a bad person please anybody tell me I’m a horrible person for getting into a relationship with him and then ending up becoming ugly and letting him endure this relationship when I look like this.

Butterflyana.

Oh to be as light as a butterfly. Delicate and intricate, maybe when people see me they will be just as infactuated by the sight of me as they are of a butterfly.