#just got past 10/4
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oh btw p3 update, i think im a little over half ways through.
#50 hours#just got past 10/4#so.#ive been kind of mulling over everything a bit#im not gonna lie it made me cry#even though i called it and was nearly confident it would happen#it still made me cry and i think thats incredibly impressive#bc ive been very rough on the expierence of playing so far#but i think i really do enjoy it(?)#akihiko、mitsuru、shinjiro、ken、aigis and minato all mean a lot to me#but heres my in game thoughts (w/o spoilers. look up the date if u wanna know what im talking abt and dont know already)#sees is so incredibly evil in the way they operate#i know this isnt the intention the game is presenting#but also this whole thing is fucked up#so fucked up#and we're marching towards our deaths because we have to#literal child soliders.#and dont get me started on ken#im gonna throw up im so scared for minato#pharos visited after 10/4 and we got a very large infodump which im thankful for. i like when he actually talks abt story stuff.#and i cant help but fear that this game is not actually 100 hours#my deepest fear is that i really am as close to the end as i think#and it ends in tradgedy.#well. thats all my thoughts for now、I'll update when ive got more significant stuff. o7#mikutimetalk
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#hm. thinking about death and all that#bc the other day my mom texted me and my sisters to say shes added another cancer to her repertoire#shes had smooth muscle cancer for the past maybe 10 years but in the last year shes gotten a lot sicker#idk how long shes been stage 4 but shes got tumors in her liver. bladder. and maybe a kidney. and now shes also got like pre leukemia#she like deff got it from chemo treatment so now shes gotta try to go get a different treatment#but the type of mds she has is more likely to be treatment resistant and advance to acute myloid leukemia#so idk maybe itll go well. right now she still feels okay. but it just feels like the beginning of the end#so death has been on my mind the past few days#i feel mostly fine bc i think my medication is actually working. i just feel like im waiting for the other shoe to drop ya kno#and selfishly if she dies in the next 4 years itll b a real clusterfuck for my life#but i dunno her life has been super unfair and it sucks that she has to go thru all this#also when i was home last her hair looked insane bc she lost most of it but didnt shave what was left so she had new hair growing short#underneath and all i could think when i looked at her was: we r at the end of vanity. bc im a goblin#unrelated
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- You can't take these kinds of things lightly. Believe me. I've seen it all before.
Day 10 - The Detective
"Thinks they know best, and the main cast hates them for this. They’re always poking around, checking things out. Typically they’re a blessing to The Final Girl, helping best the killer, or a curse, in which you’re happy to see them die."
from @windbrook's Slashed Challenge.
#okay so i had just finished watching a lot of murder mystery stuff and was feeling like a very literal take on the detective#the only problem with that is that now i have to explain how he got ~into~ the building after “the event” starts...#the working story is that day 4's outcast#the one who probably dies on their way to call the police#actually gets through to them to make a report before well you know#dying#it's a late night and it's a call from a college campus so there's a discussion over the radio or whatever that's called#about whether or not it's real or a college party gone out of control or even a prank#our detective#however#has a minute to spare#and is probably connected to whatever mysterious event the janitor mentions as having happened in the past#and goes over to check it out#this makes him the only one to get into the building after the incident begins which goes against what i said#but i'm taking this too seriously anyway#😅#detective rowe#day 10#the detective#windbrookslashed#sims 4#ts4#sims 4 screenshots#ts4 screenshots
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Pros of dating Margaret in RF4 - she's very cute and sweet and all around lovely. She's also the only girl to get a skill exclusive to romancing her, and it is BUSTED. Her healing rainbow wave is the best support move in the game, IMO.
Cons of dating Margaret in RF4 - Unless you get obscenely lucky or choose to save scum a lot, you will NEVER be able to marry her.
#rune factory#rf4#rf4 margaret#to be clear this is a SLIGHT exaggeration. eventually you'll get her FOUR required events. but...#expect it to take so long that there is virtually NOTHING left to do in the game#you can EASILY beat rune prana AND do all the eliza requests before being able to marry margaret#and at that point what is left? trying to gold crown all shipment stuff? that's SO tedious and NOT fun#at that point i can't find the motivation to keep playing and just want to start over#fun fact on my FIRST playthrough of the game - before i knew how everything worked - i dated margaret#i fell in love with her almost instantly and get her 'thoughts lost in the lake' event very early on#we were like 3-4 FP level so it felt like the natural and organic point to switch to calling her Meg#and THEN i got her mini-event right before confessing (successfully! on the first try!) at 7#so not only was i REALLY digging her but the game had given me these lovely coincidences to make it feel RIGHT#it just felt so natural and real to date her and i was so excited to eventually marry her#but then. BUT THEN. literal YEARS passed in game. so many dates. affection WELL PAST 10 hearts.#but her other 3 events eluded me. i got ONE eventually. but my patience ran out.#i didn't necessarily want to be a cheater but i knew the game allowed me to date multiple people with no repercussions#so i started confessing to the other girls. at first just clorica since she was my second fave at the time...#but then xiao pai as well since clorica was NOT biting and i could only take so many platonic just friendsly 'i love you too's#i ended up dating xiao pai 2nd and she was the first person i married. and she's probably my favorite girl now#but i kept a save file where i rejected her because i still held out hope for margaret#in the meantime i decided to go for as much content as possible and aimed to date/marry ALL the girls#and let me tell you - i SUCCEEDED. in ONE file where i initially JUST wanted to marry margaret...#i ended up dating and marrying EVERY OTHER GIRL first. and i STILL never got all the events i needed before finally giving up#i like margaret a lot but marrying her is SUCH a pain. on my recent NEW file i got lucky and got 3 of her events in a single year#so my hopes are up and i chose to date her again. but in my mind and heart i know - i FEAR - her final event will just never proc#anyway take it from me - she's a trap. unless you have the patience of a SAINT you should pursue literally anyone else#thank god none of the dudes cause me similar issues
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*through gritted teeth* don’t trust how you feel about your life after 9 pm or during your monthly hell, don’t trust how you feel about your life after 9 pm or during your-
#//vent#I feel so alone#whenever I’m jittery and excited and I gotta talk to somebody there’s never anybody there#usually because of time zones#everybody posted about how quarantine affected them but that’s just literally how I’ve lived my entire life#I want to get a shit job at Joanne’s I’m not kidding deadass I want to experience the mundane life everyone else but me has lived#I only go to town once every 4 months or so and I RELISH it. There’s a whole world out there. Look at all these people with lives as rich#and complex as my own. What I wouldn’t give to small talk with every single person in Fred’s and learn their passions and how they live#all I do is wake up feed clean and water animals that’s all I’ve ever done#I remember being in HS and loving lunch bc I could watch everybody laugh and eat and live#I never got to stay after school for activities bc my mom hated picking me up#I never got to go to parties past 10 yrs old bc my family was more important and they fucking hated me orbiting them#my family is all I’ve ever known and they don’t even realize how starved I am for contact#ANYTHING#ANYTHING AT ALL#ILL TAKE SOME OLD WHITE MAN HURLING SLURS AT ME I NEED TO FEEL ALIVE#I need to feel the bitter sting of life and live#and I don’t even have online friends to play with like yeah I occasionally talk to my besties on here#but I can’t bring myself to ask for anything more
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:0
#currently resisting the urge to vote in my own poll to see the results#i wonder how many characters i can put in one tag#To mankind at Large the time is Com at Last the grat day of Regoising what is that why I will tell you thous three kings is Rased Rased you#What is a presedent answer A king bonne partey the grate has as much power as A king and ort to have & it is a massey he has for the good o#TIMOTHY DEXTER#Frinds hear me 2 granadears goss up in 20 days fourder frinds I will tell the A tipe of man kind what is that 35 or 36 years gone A town ca#[10]#The yong man that doth most all my Carving his work is much Liked by our grat men I felt founney one day I thort I would ask sade young man#TIMOTHY DEXTER.#mister printter I must goue sum fourder I have got one good pen my fortin has bin hard very hard that is I have hard Noks on my head 4 difr#The preasts fixes there goods six days then thay open shop on sundays to sell there goods sum sets them of better than others bolerhed when#[12]#one thing fourder I have bin convarted upwards 30 years quite Resined for the day the grat day I wish the preast Node as much as I think I#Noue mister printer sir I was at Noue haven 7 years and seven monts past at commencent Degrees going on 40 boys was tuck degrees to doue go#T DEXTER#fourder mister for A minester to git the tone is a grat pint when I lived in hamsher one Noue Lit babstis babler sobed A way just fineshing#T D'r#fourder what difrent wous wee have of this world & the other world two good women Lived in A town whare I once lived one was sick of a cons#and fourdermore I am for sum foue Decephons but very foue fouer then Deathe preast craft is very good for what to make old women gront and#[14]#FROM THE MUSEUM OF#ESQ.#Ime the first Lord in the younited States of A mercary Now of Newburyport it is the voise of the peopel and I cant Help it and so Let it go#that maks 2 in that state the king of grat britton mister pitt Roufus King Cros over to france Loues the 16 and then the grate bonnepartey#Unto you all mankind Com to my hous to mock and sneare whi ye Dont you Lafe be fore god or I meane your betters think the heir power Dont k#I waus to make my Enemys grin in time Lik A Cat over a hot puding and goue Away and hang there heads Doun Like a Dogg bin After sheep gilty#[16]#THIS COMETH GREETING#mister printers the Igrent or the Nowing wons says I ort to Doue as thay doue to keep up Cheats or the same thing Desephons to Deseave the#Chester
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okay but I am genuinely so unwell about numbers and dates and ages and time and years etc. so I'm blaming all my bad luck on the number 23
#got so paranoid about it that i didn't talk to anyone for the last few weeks and i haven't applied for a job and i'm honestly not doing#anything until i'm safely 24#idk what 24's gonna be like but it's got a 4 in it so that's a good sign#but then again 14 had a 4 in it and that was a terrible age#but tbf it was a 4 + a 10 which is like. my fav number and my least fav number. so the year just malfunctioned#first 6 months good second 6 months bad#so 24 can fit two 10s but they're not as obvious. but it's a multiple of 4 so i trust it a bit more#4 x 6. idk my feelings on 6 but it's never really done anything too bad to me so yeah. 24 is the safe zone#i blame everything on the number 23 and also my friend's awful ex girlfriend#OKAY SO LIKE i was reading coronation street youtube comments the other day#and people were talking about how characters like terry duckworth and mike baldwin were kind of prats before but then they#had some significantly bad experience and after that they became Absolute prats#like basically what caused their villain origin stories#and i was like oh my god am i gonna turn out like them?? is my friend's ex girlfriend responsible for my villain arc??#and i have felt myself becoming more negative and unhappy and cynical and bitter over the past few months#and i was like fuckkkkkk no i can't enter my mike baldwin terry duckworth era#bc before whenever a remotely bad thing happened i would just disappear and go back to telling myself there is nothing good with the world#so like for every job i never got and for every time i put something in the group chat and no one replied and every time i made something#and no one cared about it i would just sink deeper into some hole of hatred at the world#i mean. the rsd. like I'd still react to stuff in that way when i was younger and happier but at least back then I'd also#wave at cool clouds and smile at people in public and be like ''fuck i woke up too early and now i Have to take a photo of the sunrise''#but now i don't do any of that I'm just some bitter cynical bitch who hates everything#so yeah. my 2024 resolution was to reclaim the whimsy i lost at the end of 2022. and so far it's not really going well but at least I'm not#23 anymore#ramble
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HE TOLD US HE'D BE BACK!! YOU CAN'T BURY THE LEFT WING IN THIS COUNTRY
#you guys brazil's history in the last 10 or so years have been so fucking insane#what started as a general discontentment over a rise in the public transport fare prices somehow turned into#an unprecedented reactionary extremist right-wing wave that only got worse and worse through the years#our first and only woman president suffered a literal coup and in the 2 years we were governed by the mild right#a politician who did nothing - and i do not say this lightly - literally NOTHING in like 20 years as a deputy gained so much popularity and#social media attention using nothing but hate speech fake news and the instrumentalization of the Christian faith and masses#somehow won over the public opinion - thru dishonesty n prejudice that's how - and was elected president. that's bols*naro#his mandate was marked by lies prejudice incompetence and negligence. thousands of ppl were literally dying in brazil everyday bc of covid#and u know what he did? mocked them. said he wasn't an undertaker so it wasn't his problem. mocked ppl's difficulty to breathe. caused a#animosity in the population against SCIENCE and health organizations. schemed to overprice when buying vaccines when companies were willing#to give them to us literally for free so the government could cash in. not to mention he dismantled federal operations against crime just#bc they were the left-wing govt's legacy he messed with the legitimacy of the federal police when it went after his sons he created a#scheme to divert public money into politician's pockets instead of employing the resources in u know. the public collective well-being#his govt created a law to protect said politicians and hide the money for 100 FUCKING YEARS from public records#the lost money already amounts to over 65 billion reais. that's roughly 12 billion dollars in taxpayers money. all lost#and he and his supporters have the NERVE to say he's an honest man. that he's a Christian. that he represents goodness.#when he did nothing but spew lies and prejudice and kill us and fuck us over the past 4 years.#his government is the definition of fear politics and necropolitics. it's a stain in the fabric of our country's history. it's never been#anything but a threat to our democracy. our senate n house of deputies r filled with bigoted extremist right-wingers now. but we have hope#now we can have hope! lula has been dishonest and corrupt in the past. he should pay for what he's done like almost every single high#ranking politician in this country should. but not like it was done! after they staged a coup against his ally they unjustly arrested and#convicted him SPECIFICALLY so he couldn't run for president. they KNEW our country would choose him. if he was free bols*naro would've#NEVER won. he's wrong and corrupt and now a convicted criminal turned free man but he represents our country and our democracy!#he's always been our only hope! he's not the right choice but the only choice. and that's how now we have - for the 1st time in history#- not only a president serving a historical THIRD mandate but a president who was arrested and freed between mandates#which is. fucking insane if u ask me#also blsnr is the first president ever in the history of brazil to not be able to be reelected lmfao fucking loser#what's also historical is our divide. lula won by 1.8% can u IMAGINE how split the public opinion is rn#but we won! and we're free of this vermin and on our way to rebuild our country. and i couldn't be happier or feel lighter#and not to mention they tried to stage another covert coup literally during the voting process today 😶🌫️ but anyways
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omg hey hotties 😭😭 im back !
#sooooooooooooo anyways not me dropping off the face of the earth for like the entire summer vwkqmqjdhsowjwjwjenkwhwk#just had to die for a little bit u know....disappear into the abyss and all that#pls look away from all the shit im abt to throw into these tags 😁 unless u want 2 read my cringe oversharing essay for the day 👍#my summer was so silly 😍 ummmmm lets see i lost my fulltime job at the daycare bc the owner very rightfully decided to retire and close#so i was unemployed for the whole summer except for my occasional side jobs and also had to move bc of family shit#so im living w my grandma for the time being and its utterly amazing tbh my grandma and i have a really strong bond and relationship#and i really love getting to come home and see her every day. i decorated her house for halloween a week ago 🎃🎃🎃#and she couldnt stop talking abt how nice everything looked and how glad she was to have me there and i just abt broke down 😭😭😭#i did a complete fucking 180 jobwise im actually training to be a certified fire alarm inspector now LMFAO#i really really like it so far and have like a million stories already abt all the shit ive done/seen so far#im the only girl looking son of a bitch thats working and training in the field out of my entire region of the company so 🤪#literally shoved my dykey nb ass in there and now im fucking it up with the boys heyoooooo#ummm me and one of my best friends started dating bc of a miscommunication (BC OFC WE DID I KNOW I KNOW ITS SO MF GAY)#and our 4 mo anniversary will be on halloween which i think is the swaggiest fag shit in the whole WORLLLDDDDDDDD 😫🎃🖤🧡#my very beloved pet rabbit of over 8 years died quite unexpectedly in august and i was. doing pretty bad for awhile which sucked so so hard#he had multiple health issues and was over 10 yrs old so its hard to say what exactly happened. my gf and gma both pulled me thru that shit#and my besties gave me so much support and love idek what i would have done w/o them. i miss my baby so bad.#ive also had some health issues which sucks absolute BALLS#and recently figured out that the migraine/anti depressant meds ive been on for the last THREE MF YEARS have been fucking up my body lmao#but on the flipside going back 2 the positives i got to have some really incredible experiences/interactions in the past few months#and those were really huge in helping me get my shit together again#i got to take my girlboygirlfriend on little daytrips throughout the summer. i got a second tat🕷🕸❣️ (which my gf designed 😫)#i met girl queen pussy slay miss felicia day AND met the sexiest creature alive harvey guillen and he told me he liked my hair#which im still super duper normal over i can assure u 😁👍 definitely didnt alter my brain chemistry or anything#i saw gods greatest and most valuable gift to this planet on monday (mcr concert)#and had my entire mind body heart and soul so thouroughly fucked up that im still peeing my goddamn pants over it#and of course now its october :) my rotting flesh and sickened brain knows peace once more#bouta go eat up some drawtober posts right the fuck now so prepare yourselves 👁👁 also gonna be making a post on the coc blog soon as well#its already that time of year again mwhahahahahahahahahaha#so yeah 😋 my summer was goofy and silly as hell. i hope u all have been doing okay and im so happy 2 be back pls hmu if u wanna chat !!!
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well i have my kids stomach flu, made a fool of myself at work today, and want to die
#i just came back from a long weekend and didnt feel well but there was a ton of shit i HAD to do this morning#and then i had a 1:1 with my boss and she spent the first 10 minutes just fucking. rattling off every single thing i had done wrong#and like there WAS some stuff that needed to be dine differently#but then she started talking about a metric that i genuinely CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT because my team is SEVERELT understaffed and i just.#i started fucking crying.#because its too much pressure#and this past weekend was supposed to be really restful and good for me.#and my kid got sick.#and my husband had to work 3 doubles in a row.#so what was supposed to be a mental health vacation turned into solo parenting a sick kid#all while worrying about the work that was building up for me#and she told me that the numbers we'e putting out were unacceptable and i just. it broke me man#ive been throwing up all morning then i get chewed out for my 4 person staff not being able to do the work of 8.....#it just fucking broke me man#then she told me to just log off and that i shouldnt have been working if i were sick and fuck man#i feel so small and shitty#and bad at my job#im fucjing spiraling yall sorry
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Trains, in person announcements and websites all so utterly fucked that we've just gone home
#gamer txt.#funny thing is i think the strikes have stopped#listen right 1st train. says it delayed by like 7 minutes thats fine ill wait#then says its delayed 4 minutes i go oh good! although its been about 4 minutes and its not here yet. still it must be close#its well past the time the board says the train is coming at and theres no train still#i check the board again and the train is gone. the 2nd train is listed as the first and mine is nowhere to be seen#2nd train comes in half an hour and id miss my connecting train if i got that not to mention be really late to school#mums too far away to pick me up and take me to the next station and stepdad wouldnt make it in time to catch my connecting train either#look up at the board again and now the 2nd train is cancelled next train is in an hour an 10#my connecting train wouldve already arrived and left at the next station by now#then theres the real bullshit bc everwhere so far is unfortunately pretty standard#my first train arrives 20 minutes late no one can tell if its the first train or the 2nd one miraculously not cancelled?#ticket person comes out says its the first train says the 2nd train is cancelled bc it was stuck behind them right cool#says they dont know if this train is still gonna run or if its cancelled now. less cool#driver rushes out says they dont know either and heads right into the ticket office#we just wanna go sonewhere#announcement chimes saying that the train currently present is now cancelled#stepdad rocks up almost at the same exact time#he looked into my connecting train options says itd take me about 2 hours to get to school if i got them#so now we're home and im already done for the day#oh yeah and none of the websites show any delays or cancellations on them but who can be surprised anymore when they keep doing that
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SHADOWBRINGERS.... listening to the song again n oh god i love the lyrics so so much we r ignoring the fact that i have to wake up in like less than 4 hours
#🌙.vent#i just have 1 assignment due tmrrw n i don't want to do it :') like yeah i'm definitely still going to but. it's a letter to ourselves....#i write a lot to myself that is very much evident but it's so hard to actually organize it. & fuck too bcs it's due 10 pm later today#i hate doing things for the sake of academics. says me w my grades lmfao but despite how well i manage i really do hate the school system#i wanted to ramble abt ffxiv oh no i get so distracted when i start writing. but. god my mind rn i don't understand#🥹 this stupid mental block ???? w the break nearly ending there's sm more i have to do but i need to sleep . but not having this started is#messing me up sm rn. i want to put a lot of effort into it but i'm at a loss for words. i wrote some ideas days back but i've changed a bit#this moment ideally right now where i'm in a better mood than i have been for the past few days but not as brain empty#a balance of fiction and reality. enough to keep me not sad but enough to keep me stressed?#i would like to get it started now. i know i want to. but i can't. i just can't seem to. it's not lack of motivation right now. it's.#....maybe a fear? a fear that gives me some sort of mental block. because i really really want to at least start writing something but#i can't start. & goddamn this is not what i meant to write about i wanted to write of shadowbringers & maybe a little of today#but i guess this just has been. bothering me for a while. buried somewhere in my mind#i've been this age for like. more than a week now huh. it's daunting it's scary but i've always loved & sought the thrill of challenges. bu#alright i wasn't able to read anything i wanted to. nor did i watch as much as i would've liked. & i didn't really bond with my friends#save for texts here n then. talking in ffxiv w that one too. & that very one call on bday yh. & tumblr too ofc c: but i didn't do the schoo#stuff i wanted to do this break. but my rank in pjsekai's lowering. nor playing arknights/nier again yet. & fixing my sleep. but....#i didn't wake up any later than 4 pm. i went out for a walk earlier with apollo. i wrote asks to a friend here on tumblr. new books.#new game. plans to make an fc in ffxiv. i ate what i could. i got up even when it hurt. i'm playing gbf again. i'm rlly happy abt that#perhaps it's not enough for me. i can't get rid of my heavy regrets so easily. but acknowledging what i have done that was good enough#trying my best to be kind to myself in this moment even though i feel like crying. acknowledging my pain. maybe. maybe that's#i'm listening to ashes of dreams rn fuck i'm actually going to cry i think bulbel is next in my queue i#it hurts yes n i feel like crying right now but there's. this ache in my chest that replaced the cold emptiness earlier#maybe that's not a good thing uhh but the warmth. that warmth. i'm alive i'm real n there's a tomorrow n that's enough hope#it has to be. it fucking has to be. just. little steps. guide my own self slowly n softly like i do for others. i deserve that too.#i'll give it to myself. surely i must owe myself at least that much. being human comes with its many burdens but i don't need to be#so harsh to myself right? ironic saying that right now while i know there's something so dear to me i'm denying right now#it's like i'm a wilting flower fighting against time to stay alive. but the petals slowly decay n it gets colder the longer the dark night#would an outside light help the blossom find its own light? or would it make it disappear. i wonder#did the flower grow to be meant to be undeserving of such kindness? or are there thorns on its petals that serve as an unbeknownst barrier?
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Im rlly sorry i havent been active here but i actually just went through a medically traumatic shit show and moving at the same time and starting a new job in a new city and im only about 30% of my usual capacity so if you are in my DMs i love you just gimme a bit longer ❤️
#i dropped about 10-20 lbs in the past 3 weeks#my underwear doesnt even fit the same#i ate 3 meals for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday#before that the most i had was apple sauce and a granola bar#followed by 4-6 hours of intense puking a day#AND i moved#AND i had to drive myself to the ER 3 seperate times#its such a blurr i have no idea how i got through that#now im just recovering and dealing with the side effects of literal weeks of starvation#this is why i dont like living alone#but my friends helped me move and checked in which is such a nice feeling compared to being isolated in my last city#personal#i probably should have been hospitalized lol
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i just want to rant a little EW feel free to ignore this i just needed a void to yell at <3
#for the past week especially ive been so anxiety-riddled because of a some deadlines and exams#but its like the universe hates me sm </3 (am i being dramatic? yes probably)#like my skin has been breaking out#my atopic dermatitis was flaring up#ive been losing so much sleep#like i just cannot fall asleep bcs i keep worrying if i can make the deadline or pass my exams until im absolutely exhausted at like 4-5am#and everytime im on my phone on tumblr or a game or other social media to distract myself from the anxiety i just feel guilty#for not being productive#but anyway i got some things done today and i think im a little calmer now#so i dont feel like im simultaneously numb and but also had 10 shots of caffeine at anymore#and i want to catch up on here too sobs#but it IS 3am rn bcs i accidentally took a nap at like 8pm oopsie#i think#i just need to get through the next two weeks or so preferably with all my tasks completed#idk if im less anxious or if ive just reached the acceptance stage LMAO#but anywayss hello if ure reading this!! sorry for the negativity and i hope ur day is going well!!!#u can click away and pretend u never saw this post now <33
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i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa
#the bin#i work at 7am and its 1:23 am i have GOT to go to bad but ugh. if i go to bed then that means ill have to go to work as sokn as im conscious#so the longer i stay up the more time i have. but km gonna be so tired at work. hhhhh.#i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad#im trying to just deal with it. soon enough things are gonna change. its only 34 days till my planned moving date. i will only bave like 20#more shifts at this job. maybe less depending on what i get given. including tomorrows shift. and tomorrows shift is only 5 hours long#and the day after its only 4 hours and then i have 2 more days off. itll be ok. but i still feel so anxious and depressed and awful#i just wanna stay home and be high all the time. i feel so lonely always. literally the only thing that helps me not feel completely crushed#and paralyzed by how lonely i am is getting high. i know its not healthy to rely on getting high to feel better about stuff but idk what#else to do so who cares. when i dont do anything about it i i stead end up relapsing or worse so i think its an ok option#i hope i can meet nice people this year. year after year it doesnt happen but so much has changed!#it makes sense i havent met people since i moved out. and everything is so different from wwhen i last lived with them#all my siblings are in school. they have people over at the hair a fair bit afaik. my dad wont be there to me make feel awful. my sister#also wont be there to me me feel awful. i can figure something out. itll be ok. it has to be.#i just want to squeeze someone. i just want like. a hug. a good cuddle. and i need to talk to someone. its been so long since u had an actul#fun time hanging out with another person. i need to watch a movie with someone and joke around and. ugh.#how did my life reach this point? what happened that resulted in me spending ages 10-19 all alone. im not even 19 yet but i will be soon#and theres not a chance ill meet someone before then esp bc im moving. when i was little i didnt have mych friends but i had some#i had such high hopes for the future. i also thought the future would be terrible but i imagined id still have friends and peopwl to talk to#all ive wanted sincei was 10 is just to have people to talk to and hangout with. but i dont have a single friend. i can hardky name anyone#besides my family and coworkers. and like aa couple of my sisters friends. there isnt even like people i know who i dont really consider#friends but we talk sometimes. if i dont go to work. call my mom. or tex a sibling. i dont see or talk to anyone period#i guess unless i go to the store. that doenst really count tho.#i want to have a friends group. i want to have A friends. just like. a person. to interact with. what happened that made mw spend the past#8 years just not interacting with anyone? whats wrong with me.#its fine tho. becausebit will change. i acan heal from this and i can meet people. even if half my conscious life has been spent all alone#it will get better. it has to.
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#I have another page done but it’s another 3 page long scene#not sure if I wanna just post it or hold onto it until I finish the scene cause based on the previous one that first page was several months#old before it got posted with the two pages after that#and even then the second page was also a few months old (albeit newer than the first page)#so uh yeah not sure if I want to keep doing it that way or not#ideally I finish scenes more often#it already feels like a far more digestible goal than the 10 page story parts and I’ve actually done almost 3 pages in the past week!#between finishing the previous scene and starting this next one that is#my goal is to be done with part one before st pats which I think is doable there’s only 4 pages left for it!#even with me being on vacation for a good chunk of early March I think it’s doable#if I finish in time I may open to the idea of lining and coloring the first ten pages…#I keep thinking about it and like- the amount of time it takes to finish a page is already so much longer than it used to be#so taking the extra time to line and color (flat colors) doesn’t seem as bad to me honestly#idk I’m debating it
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