oh btw p3 update, i think im a little over half ways through.

Friendly reminder these are feats Sarada was pulling at 11-12, this isnt something new or groundbreaking & definitely doesnt scale her to Otsutsuki. If that were the case then that'd make her stronger than B0ruto who had to flee from them 😑 which your crazy if you think she is

A Chidori is not hard to dodge if you have the sharingan and reflexes to match it which Sarada does, why I bring this up is because yall were the same ppl who attacked me and anyone else who said she was more than capable of fending for herself against Kawaki both here & here

Yall said he was too fast, that she would've died, and my favorite 'what did you expect her to do?'

I dunno, THIS?

Dont even try to argue that base Kawaki without karma, and V1 karma Kawaki was stronger and faster than a 10 tails Rinnegan amped Sasuke.

Also just wanna point out yet another glaring power scaling flaw, which is why the hell is her chidori weaker than it was when she was 12? she grabbed a whole chunk outta Boro but 3 years later she just gives bee stings? Hidari should be missing part of his abdomen.

For the record heres the damage Chidori typically does if you think Im just nitpicking no, this is a literal power scaling flaw.

Dont get me wrong Im glad shes doing something, but she was always capable of doing this all along so its not really impressive but more of why'd it take yall so long to show her actually use her arsenal & fend for herself like she always could? where was this in 58? 78? 81? 82?

It took 4 years, 4 YEARS for her to do what shes always been able to do again, shes done this since Gaiden, Sasuke has done the same at 12, yet for 4 years all she did after Boro was stand there or cry and yall response was 'what could she do?' stfu.

THIS is what she could do, if a 12 year old Sasuke could dodge a semi Kurama amped Naruto then Sarada can handle a base karmaless Kawaki and a V1 Karma Kawaki.

And before anyone mentions, the only reason Sasuke stopped being able to dodge is because Kurama had a mind of his own, he could predict Narutos movements and dodge accordingly but he couldn't predict Kuramas.

Now yall wanna gas when yall didnt even believe she could do THIS much, the bare damn minimum, DODGE, yall didnt even think she could do that but now all of a sudden when she does its this incredible feat? but I thought we were the haters for sayin she was always able to do this?

Isnt it ironic that the ones who were called haters are the ones who were saying Sarada was better than that, and the ones who were called 'real fans' were the ones saying she was too weak and slow to even dodge with her 3T sharingan? funny how that works.

See how fast ppl switch up and forget their own narratives they put out there. Be honest, you knew she was always capable of this, you just made excuses either because of a ship or because it made your goat look good.

I already know Im still gonna get branded a hater for literally saying she's always been this strong and capable of fending for herself, but Im not gonna pretend this is some impressive feat when it isn't, 3 years ago yea, but 3 years later? this SHOULD be light work for her now.

If next chapter we see some MS abilities then we can talk about impressive feats, but this? thats how I know yall didn't think much of her and still don't if you think this is a big moment just dodging an attack and doing a low damage chidori 🤦‍♀️

This is what yall clowned Naruto for when he came back in the timeskip still using his same arsenal he left with, so lets not pretend this is any different for Sarada, everything shes done in TBV so far she was doing in part 1, there's no difference YET but hopefully in 11 we'll finally see her growth, OR a dodge and chidori is all she gets and will immediately need saving now.

As long as Boruto stays outta the way then the odds are higher for her to actually hold her own, but if Boruto is coming back to the scene its game over for her so here's hoping his ass has to take a back seat the entire invasion so everyone else can actually do they thing without him draggin them down.

For context, what I mean by that is whenever Boruto is involved everybody else gets dragged down to make him look good by comparison, for example in 58, 78, 81, and 82 Sarada for some reason completely forgot how to move, dodge, react, or activate her own sharingan, but as soon as Boruto has to stay away hiding, suddenly she remembers she has the sharingan, reflexes to dodge, and defend herself. I used Sarada as the example but this is a problem with the entire cast not just her, but since this post is about her thats why I used her for reference, but everybody immediately got better as soon as Boruto was written out of the way.

I said it before and I'll say it again, HES the problem, not from any fault of his own, but because the writers cant seem to make him shine and stand out on his own without draggin everybody else down so he looks cool and badass by comparison, rather than him just standing out on his own merits.

Think about it, name one 'cool' or 'badass' moment he's had in the timeskip that hasn't been handed to him at someone else's expense

His win against Mitsuki came with Mitsuki was already wavering and feeling doubt and willing to die

His win against Code came after he just rescued Sarada who just stood there

His win against Kawaki came after he had spent the last 8 chapters being easily knocked out and knocked down

The entire invasion everybody was getting sneaked, caught off guard, barely holding their own, and needed saving, while Boruto was just casually beating Code and his grimes with zero effort.

Now? with Boruto removed? Inoshikacho holding their own against Jura and Hidari, the strongest two clones

Shikadai done restrained Jura and pulled his branches apart to free Himawari

Inojin saved Himawari and bought them time to get away from the village

Chocho pushed Jura out of the way to make his bijuu bomb miss and expanded herself when Inojins bird was hit to cushion everybodies fall.

Himawari awakens Kuramas power

Sarada remembers shes an Uchiha with the sharingan who can dodge and react accordingly

Kawaki got his brain back and prioritized Himawari's safety over hunting down Boruto.

The difference between when Boruto was involved and when he wasn't is night and day. Again its no fault of his own, but it seems like the writers cannot make Boruto shine without dragging everyone else down, and the only way everyone else will shine is if Boruto is FORCED outta the way.

Can we all just agree that reading Red White and Royal Blue for the first time is a ROLLERCOASTER no matter your feelings on it?

Because like when I first read it, i haaaaaaated it. With a passion. I felt it played into stereotypes and was very cringe and was not going to continue reading it, was HEAVILY leaning for DNFing it.

But then?? I don’t even know what made me change my mind but like i still remember the EXACT moment I’d slammed the book shut fully ready to stop?? WAS THE FUCKING RED ROOM??? (Which in and of itself is so surprising to me now because the New Years kiss and the Red Room scene are now two of my favorites??) But I kept going and for some reason I just snap— switching sides??

I DONT REMEMBER WHAT MADE ME CHANGE MY MIND BUT LIKE VERY QUICKLY AFTER THAT I COULDNT STOP READING AND I READ THE WHOLE BOOK IN ONE FUCKING NIGHT

And then proceeded to read it three more times in a year because it gave me happiness and comfort

Plus my two most recent rereads one for annotating my special edition and one right now because I’m on Firstprince withdrawal from the movie refusing to come out sooner lmao

Like— i wish I could remember what exactly changed my mind and it kills me that I can’t HOWEVER i have a lasting theory that I truly believe is right:

I think it was Henry. I didn’t like Henry the first time I read the book because the first time, i didn’t KNOW Henry. So I saw this cold, aloof prince much like Alex had and I couldn’t get past that first impression. Of course once you’ve read the entire book you know Henry inside and out just as well as you know Alex, so any reread you do will play into that. But the first time? You don’t know Henry!! So it’s so easy to dislike him!! But like after the Red Room scene, you really do get to know Henry just every bit as much as Alex, and I think that’s what ultimately changed my mind. Because I LOVE Henry. He’s such a sweetheart and he’s so brave and he’s such a wonderfully complex written character and I just love everything about him, including his relationship with Alex, ESCPECIALLY his relationship with Alex. Once those two get going, they never stop and I devour every single minute we get with them in that book, because they were written SO WELL. Like—people always call them THE enemies to lovers and I do agree they are that but people always seem to forget that they were friends too!! Before they became a couple or even started hooking up, they were friends!! And Alex got to show Henry all his weird sides and manic humor and Alex got to see all Henry’s nerdy knowledge and insecurities and they both just KNEW one another and THATS what makes their relationship so special to me. Alex even says something like that!! He says (can’t remember exact wording) but something about Henry kissing him like he wanted him, even knowing everything about him, not just that he wanted the IDEA of him. And that’s why I love them so much. That’s why everything I see about this movie has me screaming and squealing at awful timings like at 2am or while I’m at work WHICH IS WHEN THE TRAILER DECIDED TO DROP MIND YOU SO I WAS WATCHING THAT LIKE TEN TIMES AT WORK WHENEVER I HAD A SPARE MINUTE LMAO

All this just to say I’m feeling incredibly nostalgic rn with the movie coming out, and looking back I’m so happy I decided to pick up this book. These characters mean everything to me and I’m BEYOND excited to see them finally come to life on the big screen (or at least my computer screen lmao)

August 11 plz come faster I need to cry my eyes out plz and thank you it’s a need

I personally do think that the music portion of Project Voltage shouldve been typing themed because not just because thats what the art did, but itd ascertain each song being unique and creative in terms of sound and message.

As neat as its been, I get the sense that every song is just going to say "Pokemon is and was cool, huh?" which is, like, "Yeah...thats why this collab exists. Can we talk about anything else-" Like, that message is fine and dandy as a one off song (e.g. Gotcha by Bump of Chicken; I definitely thought there was another MV before it but I cant find it so I guess that was my imagination, haha)! But for 18 songs in a row...its gonna get old, lol.

[THIS ENDED UP LONGER THAN I ANTICIPATED, CLICK FOR MORE BUT IM SAVING YOU SCROLLING!!!!!!!!!]

I was gonna say Volt Tackle is the only one that says anything beyond "Pokemon is cool!" in a very classically Deco*27 fashion of making electricity/Volt Tackle/battling a love metaphor in general and Miku's pursuits in relationships, but that actually does Inubakumori a disservice since they also focus more on the experience of a being behind a screen trying to connect with the you beyond it (admittedly still need to ponder this a bit more, tbh) AND is genuinely the most unique in terms of OST choices.

MitchieM's music isnt really my thing in the first place, but it being composed of puns--while endearing--also feels like it doesnt say much else other than "Pokemon is cool, huh?" heavily depending on the Pokemon presence (tho Miku's design is real cute in it, hehe). With PinocchioP, as sentimental and heartfelt to the point it made me cry, it also conveyed pretty much the same thing (MV was most visually impressive to me tho; the little Miku's dressed as Pokemon, ahhh!!!).

Like, to an extent, I can accept the choice to not do a typing theme in favor of emphasizing each producer's style without restraint, but the kicker is using the same OST. Like, not only is the message going to be the same, Im kind of futilely hoping to see anything more than battle and Pokemon Center themes in the future songs! Its gonna be predictable and lose its luster, unfortunately!

I didnt even like Inabakumori's Electric Forecast that much at first because Im more into fast paced energetic music (Volt Tackle is probably my fave), but it ranks, stands out, and impresses me over the other two because it used SO MANY different themes, arguably probably the most out of all the released songs so far? Im being easily impressed because Electric Forecast used BURGH'S GYM THEME and the DIVING THEME and the Viridian Forest theme and the Kimono Girl's theme- Inabakumori is relatively new compared to the other 3 and they blew me away not because they somehow have more passion than the others but they...I guess, were experimental! Didnt play it safe! Actually took a deeper look into this 27 year old franchise's IMMENSE collection of music than just sticking to the basics! Not to say they DIDNT used the Pokemon Center theme or a battle theme, but they also did SO MUCH MORE than that in comparison to the others.

Theres was just so much opportunity in the typing theme, I dont think its too big of an ask considering, again, Pokemon's gigantic library of music. A town/route that had environments suitable for a specific type, a notable trainer who used a specific type, miscellaneous themes that give the vibe of a certain type, there was just so much they could do...!

I dunno, its incredibly too soon to be disappointed with this project, but Im just...airing out my feelings, I guess? Id love to be proven wrong, so looking forward to future releases! In the meantime, I point towards Polkadot Stingray's entry in the Pokemon Music Collective, "Ghost Dive," which I think is incredibly impressive and what I had in mind for Project Voltage if they committed to the typing theme. The way it incorporates the themes, the sound effects, the lyrics referring to Ghost-type/adjacent abilities, its also about someone who's a Ghost type fan, so it couldve been the best of all worlds...! And they didnt have to do that at all. Such a good job and banger, truly.

being lupin’s daughter and a hufflepuff, meeting the weasley twins in first year and becoming best friends with both of them (like inseparable!) and then starts to date george headcanons

* When you wrote to your dad saying you became friends with these two boys, he didn't think anything of it. Lupin was just happy that you finally came out of your shell and made friends.

* Often times you would leave out all of the pranks and jokes you and twins pull when writing to your dad.

* Your dad would still find out due to the letters Professor McGonagall and Sprout sent to him. He just didn't tell you he knew. Why should he tell you stop when he did the same thing when he was younger.

* You loved having Fred and George around. They made you more outgoing and confident. They were also incredibly protective of you. They were worried people would take advantage of your kindness, even though you could take care of yourself.

* When your dad started teaching at Hogwarts, you dialed back in participating in pranks. Rather than participating directly in the pranks, you became the brains instead. If there was a flaw in Fred and George's plan, than you would fix it.

* Once Lupin started teaching, thats when he would try to hold you accountable. It was hard to do because the lines between dad and professor were a little blurry.

* He would also notice how George would stare at you in middle of the class. And how George passes you notes during classes. How close he stands a little too close you in the hallway to be considered friendly.

* Needless to say Lupin knew the George liked you waaaay before George knew.

* George finally realized that he had feelings for you he saw you tutoring a young Hufflepuff in the library. You sat across from kid helping him with his Defense essay.

* He spent a full year crushing on you before he did anything about it.

* During that summer you went and spent a few weeks with the Weasley family. It was filled with quidditch matches, chores, laughs and pranking Percy.

* When George asked if you wanted to go to the Quidditch World Cup with him and his family you didn't hesitate in saying yes.

* Once the tents were pitched the first night, George came into your room and asked to go on a walk with him. You threw on a light sweatshirt shirt over your tank top and the two of you walked around the camp grounds.

* George threw his arm around your shoulder and confessed that he fancied you.

* "Of course you do, I'm quiet a catch if I do say so myself." You looked up and George and stopped walking, "To be fair you are too."

* George laughed at you. "That's good to hear then," and kissed the top of your head. "Quidditch World cup is a pretty impressive first date though right?'

* You patted him on the chest, "You did good Weasley. You did good."

* Oh man when it was time for the Yule Ball, you can bet George went all out to ask you. You dragged you down to the black lake and set off some Weasley Wiz Bangs and asked if you would go to the ball with him.

* "We've been dating for months Georgie" you said laughing.

* "And? I wanted to ask you properly ya know, with a bang."

* At the ball George would not stop boasting about how he was there with the prettiest girl.

* "Let's be honest now boys, she is the best looking girl here. The girls from Beauxbatons are no where near her league."

* He literally showers you with compliments all night.

* Of course you send Your dad pictures of the two of you by owl the day after. When your owl dropped the pictures off to Lupin he was trying so hard not to cry. You just looked so beautiful and happy with George. Lupin is just happy that you were having a better time in school than he did.

* You can bet there were a bunch of rules though when you moved into the Order of Phoenix. You weren't allowed to be in George's room after dark or vise versa. So naturally, George broke that rule and just aperated into your room instead. For the first few nights, he gave you a heart attack. But you got used to it afterward a week or so.

* You can bet your ass George calls Lupin dad.

* Like he would just see him sitting there in the mornings reading the paper and he just say, "Morning dad" in passing

* Lupin ignored it at first but now he just sighs and says "Morning son"

* As the war started to unfold, your bond with George only grew stronger, and your dad knew that too.

* So after the Seven Harry's plan, where George got hurt Lupin and George had a little chat. You were lying with George all night on the floor next to him. After you were dead asleep Lupin walked by and noticed George was still awake.

* "How are you feeling George?"

* "My head, it's pounding, but sir, may I say something?"

* " Lupin leaned on the back of the couch and nodded his head. "I know we are young, but sir I do love Y/N. And with everything thing that's about to happen, bloody hell, after what happened tonight, with your permission, I'd like to marry Y/N"

* "Lilly and James got engaged when they were young too, they were in the same boat as you two. And quiet recently, I've learned that age is but a number. You promise me, you'll protective her."

* "I promise Lupin"

* He smiled down at the boy, "Guess you'll really be my son then. Merlin help me"

The Freedom of Expression Ep 53 - Trying the pot shaped Baumkuchen

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru with this week's episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe san, Tasai san, welcome.

T: This..*looks at large box on desk*

K: There's an impressive presence here. I feel a bit squshed.

J: Absolutely!

K: What do you think this is?

T: What is it?

J: This is...what is it? It has a red ribbon on it.

K: Yeh, just seeing this, its like....

T: Like a christmas present, with a wooden box.

J: Is the box made of wood?

K: Well, do you remember that story we did before... the antiques in the showcase, that you had to look twice to see what they really were?

J: Oh yes, that story! We did that a while ago.

T: The Baumkuchen?

J: The Baumkuchen! There's no Baumkuchen in Nishinari! That one.

K: Yep, its the pot type.

J: The pot. Its here!

T: The price is quite high, right?

K: I think so.

J: Ehh, where was this place again?

T: Was it Sakura Shinmachi?

J: Sakura Shinmachi? Oh yes, Sakura Shinmachi.

K: 'Baumkuchen Villon'

J: Villon san! We're doing this now?

K: Lets open it up and have a look, then we can eat it.

J: Yes please, I love sweet stuff!

K: You do, don't you?

J: Yes. 

K: Can I open this?

T: There are some wet tissues here.

K: Ah, I'll use one of those.

J: Yes, disinfect first. If this didn't have a red ribbon on it, I would have thought Kam was dead or something. Just at a glance, haha.

Kami: Kami is dead? Its cause I'm a Nishinari god. I don't recognize Baumkuchen.

J: Yeah

T: ???*1

J: Can Kami see us, he probably can't from up there?

Kami: I can see you.

K: Im gonna open it.

J: Yehy. Im so happy. I really am! This is the real deal!

K: Wow, amazing! I can't tilt it to show you, but there's something written on here.

J: Oh, there is...Baumkuchen. Ah, this is so exciting. I remember from the news story that there were various types, but this is massive.

*Kaoru lifts lid off box*

T, J: Oh!

Kami: You're good at opening it.

T: Good at opening it, haha. He's watching. Ah! I can smell it!

K: *Looking in box* Oh!...I can't see it yet.

J, T: Ahhh, haha.

J: Of course.

*K picks card out of box*

J: Ah, the shop's name is written on it. Western confectionary, Villon.

K: I can kind of see it a bit now.

J: Can you? How are you gonna get it out? Is pulling it out the only way?

K: Hm, like this? *pulls on inner plastic*

T: Hahaha

J: I'll support the box. I'll put my hand here.

K: I'll get rid of all this cushioning first.

T: Hand the rubbish over to me.

J: I'll support the box. If this goes wrong Im gonna scream....Are you gonna pull it out?

K: I guess so.

J: Right, cause theres no place to break the box apart. You'll have to pull it up. Get ready to see Kaoru pulling up this Baumkuchen, everyone.

K: Is this ok?

J: There's no other way to do it.

K: Isn't it written on the card how to open it?

T: You must have to pull it out.

J: Yeah.

Kami: Its like, however you look at it, its a Baumkuchen where you can only see the ribbon.

J: Yeah. Does it say how to get it out of the box?

K: No...

J: You sound like you might cry, haha.

K: It doesn't say.

J: You're just gonna have to pull it out.

T: Lets do it.

*K pulls cake out of box*

T, J: Woah!

Kami: Woah!

J: Incredible! This is totally amazing! What is this..?

Kami: Amazing!

J: Awesome! Its massive! How many portions is it??

Kami: Is this Baumkuchen?

J: Yes, it is. Well, the most important thing is the taste, right? How do you cut it?

T: I wanna look at it a bit longer.

K: I'll open the plastic.

J: Yes, lets do that first. Lets get everything off it.

K: Its pretty difficult to get this off.

J: Yeah, how do you get it off without breaking the cake?

K: Right...without breaking it..

J: Kaoru, use your dexterity.

K: Nah, its gonna break.

*K tears plastic*

J, T: Ohhh

T: Ah, but...

K: Ah, its working *continues tearing*

T: Oh, but I still can't tell....Oh, like that?

J: Yeah, that works.

K: Like, there is a platform at the bottom, but its kind of off centre.

J: Oh yes, its facing this way, its not centered.

T: This looks exactly like a pot, from the side.

J: If it was in a shop window, you'd think it was a pot. Even at home, you'd think it was a pot. It looks like one from any angle. This store makes regular sweets too, right?

K: Yeah, I think so, its not just this.

Kami: How do they make it?

J: Yeah, Im just having a look in the leaflet, but it doesn't say how they make it. I don't think it said in the article before either....Ah! Its open! It says they use special eggs to make it though.

Kami: Ah, it looks great.

J: Ah, it does look great. Can I take a photo?

T: Here it is!

K: Its really difficult to move it though. Can.I just leave it on here?

J: Yeah. Thats the safest way to do it.

K: It seems a waste to cut it.

J: Yeah, ???*2

K: It seems a waste.

J: How exactly are you gonna cut it though?

K: Hm, how should I?

T: This will show your personality.

K: Should we try to cut it in the most interesting way we can?

J: Ah, yeah, for the show.

K: It wouldn't be that interesting to just cut the top off, would it?

J: Right.

T: How about straight down from the top?

K: Ah, like this? Then we can see the layers on the inside.

T: Yeh yeh, I wanna see that.

J: Yeh, almost like disecting the cake.

K: Lets do that.

J: Ok, lets do it.

K: Can I get the knife?

T: You're gonna do it?

K: Here we go....There are people recording this on their phones *points to off camera*.

T: Yeah, I will too *gets phone out*

J: Just in case.

K: *cutting* Ah, its cutting easily. *To Tasai recording* Yeah, the viewers can't see this bit, so send over what you recorded later....Hang on a sec.

J: What is it? Did it get harder?

K: This part is more dense. Can you pass me a tissue?

J: Do you have to support the top?

T: Do we have any tissues that aren't wet tissues?

K: Ok, I'll use this fork.

J: I wonder why people order this type of thing? Do they use it for parties, or something?

*Kaoru making the second cut *

J: Ahh, how is this gonna turn out?!

K: Yeah, I wonder how this is gonna work.

J: Is it just gonna break apart after you finish cutting?....Oh, amazing!

K: Can you put a plate here? What should I do next?

J: Ah, the piece is already falling out!

T: I'll give you another plate.

K: Ah, this is really difficult! ...Should I like... *motions cutting it in half horizontally* ..I'm just gonna have to grab it with my hand.

J: Yeah, you'll have to. You did clean your hands before.

*K pulls out piece*

J: Ohh, amazing!

K: Ok, I'll put the knife here.

J: Wow, the top section is trembling. Look at the inside. Should we move the rest out of the way?

K: Hm, what should we do? I'll turn it round so everyone can see.

J: It looks so nice cut open.

T: Ahh, great.

Kami: You are good at cutting.

J: Kami said you're good at this.

K: Good at what?

J: He said you're good at cutting. He's complimenting you. Ok, should we try eating it.

K: I'll cut the bits that my hands havn't touched, and then we can eat those bits.

J: Ahh, Im looking forward to this. It looks delicious.

K: I'll just put this here.

J: How many portions is a regular Baumkuchen?

K: Yeh.

J: Which is the best bit? I get the feeling the end section might be good.

K: I don't know really.

J: Ah, is that bit crispy? Its like we're filming a regular ???*

T: ???*3

Kami: Where was the shop again?

J: Sakura Shinmachi.

T: Yeah, Villon in Sakura Shinmachi.

J: Ah, it looks delicious. Thats the thing, its made to look like a pot, but Baumkuchen is also usually really delicious. It says here they use really fresh eggs. As to why it has such a deep flavour, its because they use fresh eggs. Eggs from chickens fed a specific diet.

T: Ehh. By the way, how much did this cost again?

*K hands piece to J*

J: Oh, thank you! Ok, should we try it? This looks so good! Isn't it really yellow?

T: Oh, yeah.

J: Ah, it smells good.

T: Which part is this piece from?

K: I don't know.

T: I wanna make it into a puzzle, like fit the pieces back in, haha.

J:*takes fork* Ok lets eat! Sorry Kami, you can only watch.

Kami: Its nice for you.

J: Kami is this the first time you've seen people eating Baumkuchen?

Kami: Yeah. But I've got alcohol.

T: Im gonna try the outside 'pot' bit.

*everyone eating*

J: Mm

K: It tastes good.

J: Mmm.

T: The outside bit smells good.

J: You could just go on and on eating this.

T: Yeah.

J: The shape is unique, but the taste is like a really simple Baumkuchen, its delicious.

Kami: Is it sweet?

T: Its really good, Kami.

*K passes pieces from the neck of the pot out*

J: Ah, from the neck.

T: Its from up here, right?

J: Yeah. Ah, this bit from the top tastes really good. How to describe it..?

K: Its a bit like bread.

J: Yeah, its a lot like bread. Its Baumkuchen, but the top but is closer to bread.

T: Yeah, its well cooked.

J: Its so nice.

K: Its impossible to finish this.

J: Yeah, its impossible between four people.

T: It probably serves about ten people.

J: We are living in times where we can't have parties and stuff..but when we can again, then...

K: Well, you could have it at home, share it with your grandma and grandad.

J: Oh, yeah, that would be good. Ahh, this is great.

T: Its pretty interesting.

K: So this would originally be like a tall cylinder shape..they've probably just shaved some of it off here to make this shape, right?

J: I guess so.

T: I wonder...

J: How did they?

K: Or did they like brush it on?

T: Well, maybe they put a lot thin layers on this bit and put it on more thickly on the other bit.

K: But ???4 *points to horizontal surface of pot*

J: Oh yes, thats right.

T: Joe san!

J: Ha, I don't know.

K: Don't you think it was originally the same thickness all the way up, then shaped down?

T: Well, yeah, you can see that bit, its cooked like that.

J: Yeah, cause Baumkuchen is made on a long bar, and usually sliced up. But if they shaved it into shape while it was still on the bar..

K: Yeah, like when you make pottery, shave it down while turning the bar around. Thats what it seems like to me.

T: ???*5

J: Yeah, its baked.

K: Yeh, its like that at the top too.

T: Oh, ok.

K: Hahaha

J: You agree now, right. Well, if the store staff who made this are watching, please write in the comments how its made.

*On screen note with close up of cake: They emphasized this idea, but it appears to be totally wrong*

T: Its nice, isn't it?

J: Yes, I enjoyed it. Thank you.

K: This was a very 'youtube' type idea.

J: Yeah, but this was the biggest expense of the show so far.

T: Hahaha

J: So please give us some views everyone, haha.

T: Yeah.

K: Ok, lets finish here this week.

J: Thanks for the meal!

K: It was delicious.

J: It was.

K: Thank you very much.

Kami: I didn't eat annny!

*1,2,3,4,5 Couldn't catch/figure out.

To top page

i’m doin’ a submission cuz the formatting is easier lol

blank:

he’s actually really powerful

too scared to use his powers tho, so no one really knows everything that he can do

always cold, so he’s usually wearing socks and a blanket is usually draped over his shoulders

he’s really good at origami, and makes things for everyone else all the time

if he wakes up in the middle of the night, he usually does origami until he feels tired again

loves the rain 

heapass:

he likes to hike! it’s very relaxing to him, and he loves being out in nature 

occasionally takes mike, and has long/rambling conversations with him

best friends with yancy, and visits him almost every third sunday when he gets out of prison

he says that he doesn’t have a middle name, but in reality he forgot what it was

bites his nails when he’s nervous

mad mike:

favorite ice cream flavor is strawberry

he’s really good at impersonating celebrities

once in a while, he’ll gather everyone in the living room and ask them for celebrities to impersonate

he ends up doing entire improv scenes, and everyone loves it

he’s the cleanest and most organized out of all of them (surprisingly)

despises those pre-made cake mix boxes with a passion

mcgee:

he’s the best at mario cart, and wins almost every game

he does resin-pouring

sells some of the stuff he makes on etsy

on multiple occasions he’s asked to sit on top of the car while someone drives it

everyone refuses, but he still hopes/plans to do it one day

he can be pretty forgetful, so he writes down all of the crazy ideas/stunts that he has in a little notebook he carries everywhere

i hope you like these, and i hope u feel better soon :D

-crayon anon

(also i’m sorry this took so long, i had to go and eat dinner)

—————————————————

HELLO??? I LOVE THESE SO MUCH??? CRAYON ANON YOU ARE S O CREATIVE YOUR M I N D!!!!!

Blank doing origami is an absolute INCREDIBLE headcanon that is SO SO GOOD!!! Does he have some hanging from his ceiling with string? I think I saw someone do that one time with paper cranes- Also the idea of him being insanely powerful is SO good like this tired void man is actually completely kick-ass and that ROCKS!!!!  The image of Heap going hiking with Mike and just talking to him for HOURS is sO GOOD!!!!! I wonder what they talk about!! That’s just such a lovely idea!! Also I cackled at Heap straight up forgetting his middle name that’s sO good- That man doesn’t have a single braincell but I love him anyways!!!

Mike being good at impersonating celebrities is something I never would have thought of but hELL IF I DONT LOVE IT!!!! Please tell me he can do a John Mulaney impression that would be HILARIOUS- Also like everyone just cry-laughing as Mike goes OFF with his bits is such a serotonin booster like that’s SO GOOD!!! Also just the thought of Mike seeing those cake mixes and FUMING is SO BRILLIANT I ADORE THAT!!!!

HELL YEAH GEE IS GOOD AT MARIO KART!!!!!!! I bet he kicks ass he’s absolutely the type to just beat everyone by a MILE. Also just??? Resin pouring?? Is so cool???? Does he make like little plates and charms because that’s SO COOL!!!!!! Gee really would ask to just sit on top of the car wouldn’t he, he has no braincells and I love him so much but gEE P L E A S E THATS DANGEROUS- Also just!!! He has a notebook!!!! Honestly that’s a mood though- Me🤝Gee not being able to remember a n y t h i n g.

Seriously thank you SO much for sending these in!!!!! They were so so fun to read through and I love how creative and just all around wonderful these are!!! You really gave everyone such great personalities and quirks and each one of these is just so so fantastic!! These really really helped, thank you so much for taking the time to do this, I really really really appreciate it!!!!!!! 💙💙💙💙!!!!!

Dragon age fans!

Tell me your unique/wierdo Dragon Age head canons! Gush about your Warden's/Hakwe's/Inquisitors! If you want, tell me a little story/ficlet about your characters or OTP's!

I just want that jucy DA content. I don't care if its off the rails bullshit crazy, completely and utterly mundane or tropey and cliche, if its Dragon Age and you wanna talk about it I WANNA LISTEN. Can be your canon's or just an idea you like!

Feel free to tag people!

I'll go first! (This turned out longer than I meant, you can legit just write a short sentence summary i don't care)

"Treya Lavellan was First to her clan as a child. It was super stressful for her because she wasn't magically powerful enough to keep up with the needs of the Clan but at the time she was the only option so it was her duty. She felt extremely insecure and embarassed about her lack of talent and was frequently tired and iratable as she constantly pushed herself to the point of exhaustion.

When Treya was 17, the Clan was approached by a city born elf woman and her son. The son was a mage and the mother said that Templars had been known to kill mages from Alienages rather than go to the trouble of taking them all the way to the circle. She had hidden him for years but her husband discovered the magic recently and wanted the boy out. They had several other children and she couldn't leave them, but she had heard that the Dalish do not fear magic and she begged Deshanna to take on her son Maharial. He was only 15 and had a lot of magical potential, and Dashanna considered it to be a great blessing.

Treya was...conflicted.

It was soon apparant that this flat eared child was going to end up replacing her. After years of training, of struggeling to pick up even the basics, he came in like an eager little whirlwind and blew everybody away with how quick and capeable he was. Magic was so easy for him, but more than that he was charming, soft spoken and polite where Treya was thought to be something of a no-nonsense hardass, something her near constant exhaustion didn't help.

He dedicated himself to The creators, he ate up her Pape's stories abiut the glory of Elvhenan and The Dales, he deffered to the wisdom and advice of the Haren with dignity and grace.

And Treya HATED him for it.

She didn't want to. She knew she was being jelous and unfair and that he was an elf and had every right to claim his place amoung the people. She even knew that he was far, far better suited to the role of first than she would ever be.

But she still hated him for it.

One day she lost her patience. She, Deshana and Maharial were seeding the grounds with their magic to clear the hidden paths so the Aravels could move. It was a task she had been performing since her magic manifested at 6, and it was a long, sustained spell that they would have to hold for hours at a time.

Maharial noticed her flagging and innocently started giving suggestions on how to better apply the spell in order to better concerve her mana and she lost it.

"I don't need your fucking input you pushy, obnoxious flat ear! I have been first of this clan since before you even knew it was possible for an elf to have dignity!"

Everybody froze.

Treya knew she'd fucked up. She knew it. But she was proud and insecure and stupid and so she doubled down.

"What? I'm not going to sit here and hear advice falling from a mouth that has probably spent more time sucking human dick than -"

*SLAP*

It wasn't Mahanon. Or Deshanna.

It was her Pape.

Her soft, gentle Pape, who kept the hearth and sung their history to the Clan. He had never once raised his voice at her, and he did not do so now.

"Treya, First of Lavellan, Daughter of mine and apprentice to our Keeper, you will apologise to this boy this instant."

Treya was numb.

Her eyes filled with tears.

She fled.

In the end, it was Mahanon who found her. Her father had advised to give her some time and reassured him that he was one of them and that she was out of line. It was kind.

He knew The First didn't like him but she usually just kept it to a frosty silence.

He found her crying, her staff cast aside and her head hidden in her hands. She wouldnt meet his eyes.

"I don't know why I said that." She whispered softly.

"You hate me." He said with a shrug.

"I dont mean to. I dont even want to. You just....showed up one day, and you are better at things I've been trying to master my whole life. The clan loves you effortlessly."

"So you're what...jelous? Of me? Thats... ridiculous. Its not effortless." He sat down next to her. For once he looked as exhausted as she did. "You realise you're not the only one who hates me because I'm from a city right? Not three nights ago I heard Haren Loril trying to talk Deshanna into giving me the boot. Says my lineage is in question, whatever that means.... Mother told me to do everything in my power to be accepted. To be exactly as they want me to be. But im not like you. Im not serious and sensible, I don't know how anything here is susposed to work and you are unlike any elves I have ever known. I don't know how to belong here. So I say what I think they want to hear. That I love living here, that I don't miss the alienage...that I never believed in the Maker anyway and all your elven Gods give me courage and hope.

But its not true. I'm tired Treya. I miss my family and I want to go home. Void, I'd happily suck a human cock if I could just go home. But I can't.

You idiots already taught me to value freedom above all else. I'm not going to let some templar kill me or drag me to a circle just because I couldn't get you lot to like me."

She felt even more shame. It was easy for her to forget that he didnt materialize out of thin air with the express desire to ruin her day, that he'd come to the clan seeking their protection.

She was a poor First.

"I don't want you to die or to go to a circle." She said, tentatively.

"Thats an incredibly low bar, but I'll take it." He returned with a tired smile.

"I'm....sorry. About what I said. About what a shit I've been. It must have been difficult to leave your family and I certianly didn't make you feel welcome."

"Yeah you've been a bit of a total bitch." He said with a wide grin. "But you know, winning over the clans terrorfing First who hates me would make a great impression on the others. What do you say, do over?" He reached a hand towards her, his eyes met hers with a lot more uncertainty than she would have expected.

"Yeah. Ok. Do over."

Eventually, Mahanon did take Treya's place as First. By the time it happened she could admit that it was a relief. She made a far better apprentice to the War Leader anyway."

hello!! just thought I'd stop by and say thank u for making content for us!! your little creations help make my day go by a little better :) also I thought I should ask whats your favorite thing about each tbz members if you dont mind? I'm in the mood to adore these boys more! 💞🥰

that's so sweet thank you for appreciating my content ( ´∀｀)ノ～ ♡ i'm glad i could help make your day even the slightest bit!!

here are my favorite things about each member :D it's very long i'm sorryy but my tbz love switch activated

sangyeon: his fatherly aura! i may joke around and say that sangy is in his prime age/retirement but thats really only because he gives off such dad vibes. he's super caring for both his nephews and tbz it makes me really fond && i'm glad tbz could rely on him ;;

jacob: his kindness! it's rly no joke that jacob is an angel(even though he could be a lil bully sometimes) as he is actually extremely nice 24/7 :') i love hearing tbz rave ab how kindhearted it is all the time. though a very very close runner up for my second favorite thing i have to mention is his voice. it's so soft all the time i could listen to him speak forever rly

younghoon: the way he gets shy after doing any fan service! he'll often cover his face up with his hands or hide behind a member nd i think that's super cute of him ;; i do want him to be more bold with doing fan service for the sake of confidence but even after almost 3 years he's still a shy baby !!

hyunjae: WHEN HE LAUGHS! i'm saying this in caps bc his face goes (ᗒᗜᗕ) and i LOVE it. he laughs at everything and when he does he'll throw his body back LOL or hit another member. it's also so loud like gosh his laughing is so genuine it instantly turns me fond

juyeon: his compassion! thinking about how kind and sensitive jy is makes me want to sob lowkey bc it's so well known how nice he is via past classmates and the present rn. he has a lot of sweet moments but the most recent one in particular was when he made a TINY mistake during their shangri-is stage on rtk and was so heartbroken he cried. this alone shows how much he cares ab his performance a ton for the sake of himself and tbz. he's clearly hard on himself which makes me :( and i do hope he lowers his own standards

kevin: his dorkiness lol!! kev has amazing art and vocal skills that'll never fail to impress me, however, the way he speaks is so hilarious to me because he's a living meme. he's had countless awk moments that make me go, "oh, kevin you fool" that make me laugh all the time and make me want to protect him. all of his moments are incredibly memorable and i love how he vibes

chanhee: his interactions! so chanhee vlives are my favorite thing ever by himself or with another member bc he won't hold back from speaking (?) like an example would be when he argues with deobis for 15 minutes about why he hates tomatoes HAHA or another one is when changmin runs his mouth and he just goes "SEE, EVERYONE, this is ji changmin" smmfnss it's just something of his personality that entertains me he acts the same with everyone including the fans

changmin: his passion for dance/being an idol in general! now this is a lil controversial for me because changmin puts so much effort and detail into practicing BUT he's so hard on himself T____T i'm really glad that he puts perfecting himself at the top priority though i wish he would put his mental health before that. he's rarely satisfied with himself and just the thought DEVASTATES me because in many deobis eyes he's so incredibly skilled yet he doesn't see that about himself. ofc i don't know everything about him but this is just what he's revealed on camera ;; please love yourself baby you're amazing

haknyeon: his vocals! he has a lower tone like changmin when it comes to singing and it's truly the most beautiful thing ever. i think it's butterfly or lucid dream where his vocals are just CHEF'S KISS. also his part in bloom bloom right after kevin's is my favorite thing in the world i wish hak got more lines he deserves it :"( checkmate too!!! when he and changmin are singing at the same time then it's just him ahh i admire it. sry this is just a "my favorite hak vocals" because i don't see many ppl mention it often but it really does deserve attention nd his vocals are engrained in my memory

hyunjoon: I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM but truly my favorite thing from the literal beginning of seeing him to now is his resting scowl. he's the embodiment of a house cat bc he's intimidating looking and then he just hits you with the i'm babie! he was a popular favorite amongst his hyungs and just thinking about that it makes me soft bc he was tbz' resident baby boy HAHA but then alas he would go on stage and attack all deobis simultaneously with his power ;;

sunwoo: his dual personality! to me, sw is the funniest person in tbz snmfhss he's so hilarious out of nowhere and during variety shows/vlives he's the one that makes me laugh the most. he is tbz #1 bully YET he's also just . the most generous boy. it's really clear that he is appreciative of his members all the time and everyone/thing rly. whenever i read his fancafes my heart just melts into a puddle because he's honestly extremely selfless ;; i swear i can hear him vividly say "i love you deobis" in my head because he says it so often

eric: LOML!! him and sunwoo have a tie in my heart for being the sweetest boys on earth. what made me bias him is how grateful he is as a person like he'll cry at the mere THOUGHT of tbz as his family and i just Q___Q at the way he cares for his members. he also posts many letters and selcas to deobis which are super motivating and lovely. i will forever adore that his key phrase is "always remember, eric loves you!" because it's his thing nd everyone knows it is!! i just wanna tell it straight to his face i treasure all the heartfelt messages he posts on a daily as it genuinely makes my day a lil bit better each time i see it ;;

Chart First Impressions: Jun

For more SVT astrology posts, follow my blog! Check out my masterlist to see all the readings I’ve done so far and what I’ve got coming up! 💫

These are just the first impressions I had to all of their charts – the parts that popped out to me as being notable, things I personally liked, things I thought were interesting or contrary to the image I have of them. Things like that. I’m not looking at anything in particular with each reading. Some of their readings may be more aspect focused, where some may just focus solely on their personal planets. If you have any questions on specific aspects or want to request a more specific reading, feel free to send me an ask!

lmao i look at Jun’s chart and it’s a rollercoaster. 

at first I’m like oh god, that’s a lot to handle with a gemini sun and an aries moon. 

then I see the taurus mercury and mars and I’m even more confused.

then I see his taurus mercury and mars is in the 3rd (capricorn) decan and I’m conflicted on all fronts.  

he has a very, very young chart. 

all of his personal planets are from the first cycling of the elements in air, fire & earth. 

these signs have a very young, relentless, and stubborn energy to them.  

the first few signs of astrology are like the toddlers of the signs. They’re just learning how to walk, can’t speak, are screaming/crying all the time (obviously this is a gross over-exaggeration, but thats the gist). 

they go where their fancy takes them. 

gemini leads by curiosity, aries leads by passion, taurus leads by comfort. 

i think this is why Jun has such a young and innocent aura about him. 

his energies are very childlike in their curiosity, vitality, and love for just doing things for the sake of doing them.

he’s MAD stubborn. My GOD. 

primarily for his taurus placements, but also no help due in part to a headstrong gemini and one-track-mind aries.

totally immovable, this guy. once he’s got his mind set on something it’s over. 

taurus influence gives him that dedication and strength of will to stick with what the says, and then you got those gemini/aquarian influences giving him the mental tools to argue his way through anything. 

tho taurus influences aren’t always stubborn out of principle, sometimes they just don’t like change and will stubbornly stick to what they know because that’s what they’re comfortable with.

but all of that persistent aries energy mixed with all that fixed taurus and aquarian energy (gemini venus in 3rd decan w/ uranus trine mercury & mars gives him that added aqua) -- his biggest pet peeve is more than likely people trying to control what he does based off a sense of “what would other people think.”

this may not be a good example of this particularly, but i think it’s a good example generally of his personality and i’ll explain this more once i get there. 

think of that time Jeonghan told him to stop stomping on the floors because it’d bother their neighbors.

he directly disobeyed him and continued doing it, and honestly probably because it wasn’t THAT big a deal and it frustrated him that it was being pointed out. 

this is that restless energy wrapped up in all of that individualistic aquarian that hates, symbolically, this whole concept of “don’t do that, what would they think?”

his playful and restless energies wanted to make a joke of it and he probably stopped EVENTUALLY after he made his point. 

not to mention he was probably even more frustrated BECAUSE he gets so restless. 

gemini sun and an aries moon means his mind works so fast and his aries moon is literally bursting with energy. 

he get’s incredibly antsy if he’s not allowed to put his energy out there which is probs why he got annoyed he was being told to stop and why he probably found something else to do immediately after.

you can spot a gemini when they walk in a room because they’re eyes are darting everywhere or they’re using some kind of tick like tapping their toes or playing with something in their hands. 

and then aries influences are easy to spot because they touch literally EVERYTHING. they just randomly start doing things without any kind of hesitation. 

aries is the sign where you see them start to do something and you think to yourself, “surely they wont actually do that” and before you know it they’ve done it. 

think to the mbti hidden camera vid. he walked into the room AND IMMEDIATELY TOUCHED THE FIRST MANNEQUIN and before he thinks too hard about whether or not it’s a a real human he moves to the NEXT ONE AND GRABS HIS FACE. 

and the pd literally just has to be like “sit down” and he’s sitting down and acting like nothing happened.

he’s just a hyper guy and i think he comes off “childish” because he has these wonderfully lively and enthusiastic energies.

not only that, but there really is nothing in his chart blocking them from being released because his personal planets are so young and have no hard aspects. 

he’s super playful and sees no reason to apologize for that.

he will bond with people based off of sense of humor, a love for the light things, and an ability to connect on an intellectual level through these things.

with these placements, i imagine he makes the kind of friendships where you don’t realize he’s as close to his friends as he makes it seem until something is wrong or they seriously need him. 

then he’ll show up ten fold. 

he connects with others in such a seamless and playful way thanks to those air energies, but his taurus placements are so deeply committed, reliable, and emotionally competent that he’s far more present and committed than you’d imagine. 

he contributes so much more than just being that fun, light company. 

he’s a true and sincere friend.

it’s very interesting because a gemini sun and aries moon would come across to me as very short tempered, super impatient. 

but a taurus mars and mercury are inherently incredibly patient, stubborn, and enduring people. they’ll be the last people to give up on a relationship.

so you may see a weird mix of the two. he may be super patient when necessary, and then totally hot-headed a moment later about the most ridiculous thing.

but lets talk about those capricorn decans. 

having his taurus mercury and mars in capricorn decan kind of wraps all of these very fixed, stubborn taurus energies into a very disciplined & logical package. 

where a taurus may fall victim to sloth or melancholy, his capricorn energies swoop in and tell him to get off his butt. 

it can also explain why, while having such flighty and impulsive placements, he is still an incredibly hard worker (obviously there can be other influences as well such as houses but we can’t get into that cuz we don’t have his birth time). 

he will never take life too seriously, but will readily and gladly invite new and intriguing interests and hobbies as they come and will pursue them with passion until he is satisfied. 

both due to his aquarian influence desiring new experiences, his gemini influence that loves having his attention grabbed and held onto, but also due to his Capricorn influence that has a strong desire for completion and accomplishment.

his uranus and neptune are very well aspected to mercury and mars. 

this makes him very open-minded and furthers his curiosity which can add to that youthful feel. 

the aquarius influence makes him a very individual thinker -- not overly concerned with conforming to norms and more concerned with being authentic and intellectually challenged.

the neptunian vibes also add to this desire for eccentricity and individuality with a great appreciation towards the more creative ways these may be expressed. 

giving neptune such a clear and easy path for expression in mars also means he is very emotionally intuitive and feeling, although he may not be very aware of this as it flies under the radar of his immediate consciousness. he may downplay it if ever brought up. 

his gemini venus being in the 3rd decan gives an even stronger aquarian influence -- making him very attracted to challenging, unconventional things and people. 

solely based off his chart, every single aspect of his will give off an incredibly strong first impression. 

he has the kind of energy you’d feel immediately. 

literally the moment he walks in you can feel his mind buzz.

for more water or earth dom people this can make you feel stressed or uneasy. 

air and fire signs are used to it and often times thrive with this energy. 

either way you’re bound to have an opinion of him, good or bad, but over time you’d eventually come to realize how deep thinking, inherently unique, and interesting he his.

if he’s your speed you’ll learn to appreciate his oddities. 

you’ll find his flighty interests & passions, out-there humor, and overall sincerity incredibly endearing. 

especially if you’re one to be drawn to those who aren’t overly inhibited by fear of ridicule. 

you’ll think he’s a breath of fresh air. 

rate each chelsea players seasons so far?

oh dear lord okay

- werner: 7.5/10. werner gets so much shit for no reason, he’s actually not had as bad of a start as rival fans love to preach on twitter/on here. even when he’s not scoring, 9 times out of 10 he’s THERE, he’s trying, hes pressing, he’s passing, he’s active. he’s so fucking fit as well, played the second most minutes for us so far and he’s bossing it. and i fully rate that, love him, we’re gonna see great things from him.

- havertz: 8/8.5/10. i cant give him a nine just yet i reckon. but bloody hell, he’s been so good. even when he makes errors, he’s tracking back to fix them, he’s intercepting, his fluidity on the ball is incredible to watch. at the same time, thats also the biggest probkem so far, he’s almost too graceful with it sometimes and he’s not the most bulky lad so he sometimes does struggle with the physical side of the prem, but that’ll come

- abraham: 8/10. he’s solidly impressed me. he’s come off the bench, now he’s starting, he’s seen his chance to show what he’s worth and he’s done it for me, he’s improved in every aspect we wanted him to. he looks so much more confident, hes still a bit clumsy with it sometimes but my god, he’s playing deeper, getting assists and goals, chefs kiss from me.

- ziyech: 9/10. and i refuse to say i’m jumping the gun. the mans passing is orgasmic to watch, his left foot makes me horny, like the man is such a fucking baller, i fully can’t believe we’ve bagged him. his corners as well, i could cry. the willian upgrade we needed, nothing more to be said, hes here and he’s perfect

- pulisic: 7/10. this is purely cos he’s now on injury again and he didn’t exactly hit the ground running right after he came back (which is to be expected) but he’s so so good. truly such a danger on that left side, i canr way for him to be back

- hudson odoi: 6.5/10. this is purely cos he’s barely played, but when he has he’s been a solid 7, he’s improved so much, he looks far more confident. he’s not perfect, he’s got a good way to go but he deserves so much better than to constantly be benched, he really should get more minutes for us and i hope it happens soon.

- giroud: 6/10. again, he’s barely played. i love him mate, i have so much love for oli and i think it’s unfair he’s being benched and coming on for a measly 10 minutes cos it’s not fair on him, whack him on with 30- 20 minutes to go. eden hazard said he’s the best target man in the world, he was one of the only reasons we made it to top four last season. deserves more

- kante: 6.5-7/10. irs hard to say, he’s not lived up to what we know he can do, he’s not been amazing and he’s had some matches where i’ve been begging for him to be subbed off, but lately it seems like we’ve found a way to go, i thought he looked so much better yesterday alongside kovacic, it’s too early to say but i don’t think he’s dusted just yet. i love him

- mount: 7.5/10. it’s hard with mason cos he’s had some absolute fucking nightmares but that’s down to poor management, no rest and being played on the wing. but look how much better he looks as a number 8, he’s a different player. i only want to see him as a number 8, i love to see it.

- jorginho: 6.5/10. i love jojo but he’s so wishy washy at times, but i truly love what he brings to the team. playing wise, sometimes i wonder what he’s thinking but generally i love him, every day i think about his “chin up” gesture to the younger lads and want to cry, he brings so much in so many ways. teaching silva english he needs to use on the pitch, telling lampard “i just want to win” when he was told werner was going to be out penalty taker. i could cry.

- barkely/rlc: didn’t play enough to rate but i hope rlc thrives on loan this season and i hope we recall barkely in january.

- chilwell: 9/10. insane. looks like he’s played for us for years mate, he doesn’t look like a signing we made this summer. absolutely insane. i hope he never leaves, he already seems to love this club and team so much, truly hope he’s our next ashley cole without rhe arsehole stuff <3

- james: 9/10. again, our fullbacks mate. reece has had at least one game i can think of where he wasn’t amazing but generally this man is everywhere, he’s attacking, he’s defending, he’s intercepting, he’s a stunner mate. his linkup with ziyech mate OOF. right back sorted forever

- silva: 9/10 and no i don’t care about that one mistake in his forst match, i don’t care. mans has changed our entire defensive look on the pitch. he’s made zouma a better player, he’s shouting directions at everyone, he’s just scored a goal for us, he already seems to love this club dearly. mate i hope he gets a contract extension, i fucjing love the man. so calm in the ball, for once i’m not pissing myself every time someone attacks. love him. love him.

- zouma: 8/10. underrated. but this man fucking works for us, every match. yeah, he’s had some nightmares and sometimes he very clearly panics whike in the ball, but he’s getting better every match imo and he’s learning from the best rught next to him. i love him, he’s always so happy as well, makes me smile. hope him and silva keep up this partnership

- christensen: 4/10 he’s just not good enough. i will die on the hill that there’s a good player inside of him, that there’s truly a good player there and sometimes we see it. but he’s not for the prem, watch him go somewhere else in europe and he’ll thrive. however, he’s my fourth choice cb, i trust him over rudiger any day.

- azpilicueta. 8/10 and ni i don’t care about your opinion. i miss him on the pitch, i cant even lie. i absolutely adore azpi. i truly love him so much and the work he does for this club, the heart and dedication he has for us. time and time again he’s saved us, i nearly sobbed at his celebration against ajax before they disallowed his goal. he’s so gracious and humble, made way for reece, and the man is still a good player. hope he stays forever and retires with us. and yes. he is a club legend.

- alonso: 3/10. man is abysmal. man is terrible. get him out of my club now. his attitude is horrid, he can’t do anything on the ball that chilwell can’t do better and truthfully, his time has come to leave. feel so uncertain anytime he plays, thank god he hasn’t in bare time

- tomori. 100/10. shut up. i love fikayo man. turning down a loan to west ham last minute to fight for his place, head down and attitude right. even now, franks said he’s part of the plans and i hope so cos i see a fucking class cb in him as long as he gets time, minutes and good coaching. i really see him as our third choice centre back, when we rest silva fikayo should be on the pitch. we’ve seen him and zouma link up before, we can see him again.

- emerson: 5/10. i don’t hate emerson, he’s just eh. he doesn’t do much for me, he doesn’t really stick out, he kind of blends in and is almost a bit invisible during most matches he’s played. he’s just eh. i don’t hate him but i certainly don’t want him starting every match ever and wouldn’t mind a new backup lb.

- rudiger: 3/10. i can respect this mans agent work to get havertz and werner to us but now it’s time to go rudi pal. i just don’t trust him on the ball ever, man terrifies me every time. he’s so shaky. i’m so glad we’ve not seen him pkay much recently, cos it baffles me that he’s being subbed on in the first place.

- kepa: 1/10. no. there’s nothing to say

- caba: 5/10. does the job, he’s not great and he’s deffo not my first choice but if mendy can’t start, he’s mt third choice.

- cech. pls play him frank. 1000000/10 <3

- mendy: 9/10. dont care about last night, he’s amazing. i wasn’t expecting him to come and perform the way he has but he’s been so so good. cant remember what it feels like to trust a goalie i just love himmmmmmm. such a good attitude and work rate as well

everything.

I was working one day, and a boy came in for an interview, already wearing his white polo which i thought was silly. He didn't have the job yet but he came in wearing his uniform. He was so handsome. His hair cut perfectly, his beard groomed so well, he smelled incredible, all the time. (Blue Nautica, i still wear it to this day.), His smile was everything. His eyes were the type you could just stare into and get lost. And the little wrinkles underneath his eyes would pop out when he smiled real big.The moment i saw him, i hoped he would be hired for our store. He was. I was excited. Although i was married, he was nice to look at, he was funny, and he seemed so perfect with his flirtacious ways. I looked forward to my shifts with him. We all got to know him and bits and pieces of his story. He was living at pathway, the sober home for boys. He told us about his drinking problem, and how proud of himself he was for being sober now. That is admirable in my  eyes. The efforts to better your life and overcome an addiction is a great thing. Even more of a turn on, for some reason. There came a point where the flirting got more serious. We made a group chat called "squad" with me, him, and another employee/my best friend. It was an innocent thing at first, just pick up lines, flirting, sending pictures in our underwear, never too revealing. He would compliment me and her, and it made us feel good. I wasn't complimented by my husband, i wasnt given attention anymore. I craved it, and this boy gave me exactly what i was looking for. Eventually we started seeing him out of work. He came to a birthday party for my best friends child. He was so good with all of the kids. Mine as well. He was so good with her. I took videos of him playing with her, teaching her how to blow a flute and bubbles. The joy i captured in these videos was amazing, and i still have those videos to this day. That is one thing i can't bring myself to ever get rid of. I remember standing with him outside my car after the party, and our innocent flirting made me so happy and feel so good. This man was perfect. Over the summer we did so much together. From going to Litz almost daily, to hanging out in my friend's apartment, we would stay out all night sometimes. The flirting got really overwhelming between us three at one point. I didn't want to cheat on my husband, even though i knew i wasn't happy in my marriage and didn't want to be with him. I told this boy flat out he would be better off getting with my friend. So he did, that same night. I remember knowing that he was going over there, and i was a mixture of jealous and upset for sure. But what right did i have? I was married..and i told him to go for it with her. They did. The next day i picked her up to go to the mall, and at first she told me nothing happened. It wasn't until we got to the mall that she spilled all the details to me. She and him did hook up. But, he made her promise not to tell me, because he didn't want me to know. She was a good friend to be truthful with me. As for him, i was salty towards him. "Friends dont lie" was our saying for a while. We went to Litz that day and i couldn't help but be rude as hell to him until he admitted it to me. He did, and i let it go because again, i told him to do it. We went for ice cream together that night, and he bought my daughter her first ice cream cone and boy, was it messy. They shared a shake, i took pictures of that too. I loved watching him with my Daughter. It gave me hope that maybe i could still be happy, without her father. He and I hungout alone next. We brought my daughter to gilman. We had so much fun, and trust me, i took pictures then too. So did he. See, thats one thing i really loved about him. He would always capture beautiful moments between me and my daughter. Something nobody else has ever done, and still doesn't to be honest.  When i dropped him off to his sober house, he kissed me. It was amazing. It felt RIGHT. and when we finished kissing, the guy that runs the house was right at my passenger window, watching and waiting for us to be done. How embarassing, right? Yet i drove away with such a big smile. Since then, our relationship kept growing. I loved it. He would always send me cute songs, and i would send him songs back. That was an all the time thing for us. Anytime we thought of eachother, wed make sure the other knew. Out of all the songs, we really stuck to "The way" by Mac Miller and Ariana grande. I loved it, especially because those are my two favorite artists. He had a ton of love for Mac Miller and Ariana Grande. Did i mention he bought me a ticket to see Ariana Grande for my birthday? It was an incredible experience. We started spending every day and night together. I would hangout hangout with him, then id drop my daughter off to her father and go back out for the night. We would always have a good time. I remember we were in my friends parking lot for HOURS, listening to music, playing Uno, shooting these cool things in the sky that would glow. I wanted to show off and do some gymnastics..so i stupidly, took off my shoes for some reason, and did a round off barefoot in the parking lot. I broke my foot that night, but that  didn't stop us from going to price chopper while im hopping sround on one leg because it was probably midnight when i broke my foot and didn't want to go to the hospital. Price chopper was our spot. We even had our own spot we would park. It was 24 hrs, so we would just go play hide and seek in there. We would sit in the parking lot for hours, and just talk and kiss. It felt so right. He was perfect. He was everything i ever wanted. Eventually, he moved onto a new apartment for sober boys. He had his own room and more freedom then. So, i helped him move in. I organized all his things, all his clothes, i got him comfortable there. It was now our spot. We would go there, lay in bed and tell each other stories about ourselves. He told me about his alcoholism, and how he was arrested once because he gave his mother a ride and she had heroin in the vehicle. He told me how she was an addict, and how much he hated heroin and thought it was disgusting. I agreed. Heroin is a drug i can never understand. Why would anyone ever want to shove a needle in themselves and risk dying every single time? It makes no sense. And he agreed with me. He told me that his sister basically took care of him. He loved her. He would always tell me about her. To this day, i would have loved to meet her. We tried once, but i will get to that part. I left my husband september 2nd. I knew what i had with this boy was real, and i was so happy. Happiest ive been in so long. It was a hard, and lifechanging decision i made. I now had to move out of the house we bought, i had to leave all my stuff behind, including my dogs. That killed me. But i knew it was the right decision. I was unhappy for so long, and this boy showed me that there is more to life, and that i didn't have to settle. It was hard for a while, i was scared for a long time. I'll admit, i did go back and forth between my husband and him for a little while. But i knew what i WANTED, and it was him. It was always him, from the second he came into my life. There was so much about this boy that i loved. He was the best, and i truly mean that. He was always there for me. He worked three jobs, and still made time for me. He seemed to have his life together, and i could see myself building a future with him. Things started to change, but they weren't even really big changes. So i thought nothing of it. He stopped working his third job first. But who cared? He still had two jobs. He was still great. He used to spend a lot of money on scratch tickets, that was a big addiction of his. But he would ALWAYS WIN! I swear he had the best luck, he would win $500 so often it was crazy! Another addction he had, was shoes. Ive never seen a man have so many fricken shoes. He was a pretty boy, and ALWAYS looked and smelled so good. I loved that. Sometimes i feel like we were together forever, but looking back, it was such a short time before things started going wrong. He had these pains in his stomach, so i sat with him at the hospital while he was monitored. They gave him morphine to ease his pain. And he ended up getting a few prescriptions. Nothing crazy, they didn't give him any opiods or anything. But the night after, he called me. He sounded fucked up. He wouldn't like, speak to me. The things he was saying made no sense at all, and he sounded very out of it. I asked if he smoked weed, he said no. I asked if he drank, he said no. He said "the lady on the bike gave him some pills" and i was crying, begging him to tell me what he took. Eventually after screaming and crying his name, he snapped back into reality. He swears he never did any drugs that night, but i know how he was acting. I didn't think much into it, probably because i didn't want to believe he would do something like that. I held a grudge for a couple days, and id always randomly ask about that night, hoping one day he would tell me the truth. He never did admit anything about that night. But i know. He didn't really have any more of those episodes. But he started telling little lies. To me, i feel that everyone lies about something at some point. There are so many things i should have noticed, but i didn't. I'm always going to be mad at myself over it. There were signs. So many signs. And i didn't notice them, until it was too late. He started letting his hair grow out more than normal. He stopped shaving as much. He stopped buying scratch tickets. He lost his second job, and was down to one. It started at the end of september. September 28th, 2019. I went to hyper glow with my friends, and he hungout with a mutual friend, who was a heroin addict. At this point, i still was under the impression this boy was just an alcoholic, so i didn't think much into him hanging out with a junkie. I was wrong. I shouldn't have encouraged him to hangout with the guy. I did. I did that. And i'll HATE myself forever for that. I didn't know yet, but what i'm about to explain next, is the beginning of the truth being exposed. I was at work. So was he. And another coworker on shift with us pulled me aside and asked me what was on his neck, and mentioned that lately he has been acting as if he's on drugs. I didn't even notice his neck. I grabbed him and looked, and i asked what it was. He went from "Its an ingrown hair" to "It must be a zit"..He was very defensive about it. Now, i was worried. How was everyone else noticing these things, but i wasn't? I finally made the decision to reach out to his sister. What she had to say, was something i never expected, and i can still feel the pain, shock, and heartbreak i felt that afternoon. She explained he has been a heroin/crack addict since he was a teenager. He has struggled with addiction his whole life. He was never an alcoholic. How did i not know? How could he lie to me SO much, so in depth? I was shocked. I don't think ive ever cried so hard. My perfect boy was not perfect at all. It was all a lie. EVERYTHING. I confronted him. He tried denying, but he knew i knew the truth now. To be honest, i dont think he's ever told me the truth first time around. I have to keep asking the same question over and over again until he finally tells the truth. Some things even now i don't know if it was true or not. I made the decision to help him. I tried to keep him sober. I did everything. I was with him all the time, really. I kept a close eye on him. So i thought. I seemed to not realize the weight he lost. He had nice love handles when we first started hanging out, he had meat on his bones.  He stopped eating actual food. He was only snacking. I didn't notice. I didn't notice he lost weight, because i was with him 24/7. Thinking back, boy was he so skinny. There were times that he wouldn't answer his phone, and i would panic. Was he okay? Did he relapse? Is he dead in his room right now? I have no way to get up there to save him. I was always terrified. I went to the heroin addicts house and got him to come check on my boy with me. He brought narcan. So, he KNEW that he was using. He knew what we might be walking into. He ended up being "Fine"..He just "knodded off"..which also happens when you do drugs. I was in denial. I wouldn't let mysel believe what was right in front of my eyes. Not yet, anyways. We continued our relationship. We would stay out all night, in the price chopper parking lot. Hell, we made it to planet fitness one night. That was the first night we had sex. We would go swimming at queen lake late at night, we would just drive while he sang to me. Boy i loved the way hed look at me and sing certain verses to me. He made me feel special. I think that overpowered all the bad, and that's why i chose to not believe what was happening. I understood why he didn't tell anyone he was a recovering heroin addict. None of us would have given him a chance. We wouldn't have looked at him the same. I don't blame him for lying about that. But, i blame him from keeping it from me once we became as close as we did. We had a different bond, a different relationship, and i thought we would be 100% honest with each other. October 25th, 2019. I got a message from his roommate. He told me he found him in his room, overdosed, and luckily his roommate found him in time to narcan him. He then stole this mans property and took off and sold it. Thats when i knew exactly what i was dealing with. He relapsed. He overdosed. He stole to get money, to do it again. How does one literally DIE from this drug, and still want to do it again and again? That part i'm never going to understand.  Why was ruining his life with these drugs a better option than me? We could have had a life together. We could have had everything. But heroin was more important. I kept trying. I tried for so long. There are so many things that he did to me that i can't even name them all. Like the iphone i gave him? He "lost" it. No. He sold it. I bought him another iphone for his birthday. Guess what he did with that one? Sold it. He got fuvked up and left his car in leominster at a gas station for days, that it got towed. $600 to get it back. Who paid for that? Me. I put it on my credit card. He said he would pay me back. Why was i stupid enough to believe that? I did everything i could for him. I really did. It was never enough. I sent him to detox 4 times..before he actually stayed in the program. I never knew what addiction was like. I never dealt with it. Ive never seen it as up close and personal as i did with him. It changed me. That's the whole reason im writing this. I am not the person i used to be. I am damaged. heartbroken. devastated. hurt. hopeless. mad. sad. frusterated. The list goes on. I feel like a failure. I wanted to save this boy. It was my goal. I tried so hard, i did so much, and he is still sick. It kills me. It haunts me every day. Should i have tried harder? Should i have stayed by his side? It's my fault he relapsed. I know it. He wouldn't let me think that way, but we both knew. If i never went back and forth between him and my husband, things might be different. I know that i'm not at fault for his relapse, but i know i had something to do with it. I will never shake that feeling. There are so many memories i have with him that are now triggers for me. It's like, everywhere i go, i think of last summer when it was us. Going to Litz is hard, because we would always have so much fun playing in the water or relaxing on the beach. We would go to the 140 car wash eally late at night, just to clean my car, to go get his car directly after and clean that one. My favorite video i ever took of him was there. It was such a simple video that wouldn't mean anything to anyone else. But the way he looked at me, and shut the car door, was just a feeling i'll never be able to shake off. He always looked at me like i was special. Like i was the most beautiful and important person, ever. That boy had me wrapped around his finger. He knew it. But to be fair, i think he was wrapped around mine too. He would do anything for me. I trusted him. I trusted him more than anything. That is where i fucked up. Times started to get tough, but i stuck by his side. I wanted to be the one to save him i guess. I needed to. It became my biggest priority. I knew where he was 24/7, because he was always with me. I knew what i was dealing with, to a point. He started needing to borrow money, and of course, i let him. Anything he needed, i made sure he got it, and he took advantage of that.  He ended up jobless. I remember the last day we worked at Dunkins, i was MAD. Mad that i knew what he was doing behind my back. I remember calling him a liar and fighting with him in the parking lot, we made a scene and people were watching. We were screaming at each other, and i punched him right in the face. He then went inside, and i drove off. You'd think that would have been the end of us, but it wasn't even close. We ended up talking again and things got "fine" again, i guess. I started to distance myself a little, but not much. Sometimes i think something was wired wrong in my brain. All these red flags, and i ignored them all. I continued to fall deeper and deeper in love, while being taken advantage of. But i felt NEEDED. I felt as if i was his ONLY chance at redeeming himself and getting sober again. I sent him to his first detox in the end of October, 2019. Detox is a 7 day program. I was at work on the 5th day, and i got a call from him. He needed me to come get him, he got "kicked out for fighting with someone"..i believed that. I picked him up. After that i realized he wasn't kicked out, he WANTED out. And he did exactly that. You can only assume he went right back to using, right? Exactly. Behind my back once again. But i knew. I ALWAYS knew after a while. I noticed the patterns. Yet i still stayed and did everything i could. We found him a place in Leominster to move into. It was a beautiful home. He had his own room, and bathroom, he was the only one living on the first floor. It was great, and it was a place i could bring my daughter as well because there was room to play. Stupid me, i know i shouldn't have brought my daughter around him. But he was NEVER fucked up around us. Yet, anyways. I would sleepover his new place every time i didn't have my baby. I would have to leave at 4am, so i could get to work on time because i opened, but i never minded waking up that early, because sleeping with him all night was worth it. Laying on his chest was my favorite. I couldn't tell you why, but i felt so safe. So loved. So cherished. I felt special, always. I can't leave out the part where i have to admit, our sex was incredible. It really was. There was one time, we had the most intense sex ever. Like five stars, INSANE, sweaty, every position you could think of. He was CRAZY that one night. Come to find out, he died and was narcaned that same morning. So i'm assuming it was mostly the adrenaline from cheating death, again. In me & his entire relationship, i know for sure of him being narcaned 5 times total. There could have been more times, definitely, and probably. But i only know of 5, and they were all fairly close together. Why? Why can someone die from this drug, AND DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN? Why was i never enough for him? Why couldn't be stay sober? He could have REALLY died, and what about me? He never thought of how it would effect me. Heroin is probably the most SELFISH addiction. It makes me sick. After everything i've done for him, he still chose that over me. I started working at a bar. He would always come and sit there with me. I loved his company, truly.  He would sit there and drink soda like a good boy, and i knew he was safe because he was with me. It was when i wasn't with him, that i worried all the time. There was one night at the bar, i made really good money. I made over $100, so i cashed in my small bills for a $100 bill, then the rest $20s. I remember putting my money in my wallet. I had $40 in my car door to give to him for gas, cigarettes, etc. Money his uncle gave me for him, but i was in charge of his money, because his uncle knew what he would do if he had it in his possession. I gave himm the $40 from my car door, i am positive. We were sitting in my car and i let my guard down. What's crazy is he reached into my backseat, and sneakily took money from my wallet. He didn't know i had the $100 bill. He only meant to take small bills so i wouldn't notice as easily. I dropped him off, and he called me telling me i accidently gave him $100 and he was "doing the right thing" by calling me to return it. Then he claimed i never gave him the $40 from my car door, and it mustve fallen out of my car. He went with me all the way back to the bar to look for it in the parking lot. I knew i didn't lose or drop it. I knew he took it and he was trying to cover it up. I hoped when we got there that he would take the money from his pocket, drop it in he parking lot and "find it" and give it back. It was never found though. But, it was never REALLY lost. I let him play innocent and i just played along. I wasn't going to argue and keep calling him out when he refused to tell the truth. There were plenty of times he took money from me. You know, i had $200 worth of change in my car at work. Unlocked. Stupid, i know. I've worked there 5 years though, i knew my car wouldn't get broken into..until it did. He denies it to this day, but i truly believe he stole that money as well. When he needed his fix, he did anything to get it. I guess it's time to bring up the big one now. When he stole my card out of my wallet. I left my purse in my bathroom. I had him over, we were hanging out, trying to find a new program to go to since the one he was at didn't work out. This boy went to detox 4 times before he actually stuck it out, and completed what he needed to do. As i'm trying to help him get better, he's going behind my back, still. Screwing me over. It's November now when this happened. He took my debit card right from my own wallet. I never used that card. It was linked to my husbands account. He knew that, and that's why he took it. He didn't think i would notice. Until my ex went to go take money out to realize his account had been drained. I looked into it, and it was MY card that was being used in the ATMs withdrawing money. I knew it was him. I couldn't believe it. With christmas and my daughters birthday just around the corner, how could he  take so much from me? From him? From HER? An innocent child who he claimed he loved so much. I do believe he loved her. And me. I just think that he had to do whatever he had to do to get his drugs, and didn't care who it hurt or effected. I tried calling him and finding him, but i couldn't. He knew he was caught. I had no choice but to call the bank and shut the card down, and go to the police to file a report against him. End game for us you think? No. Our story didn't end there, I had him for multiple charges, and it i actually did a proper follow up, i could have had him locked up, and i could have gotten all my money back. Which in total, he took about $2000 from me. A smart person would have done that, right? Not me. I decided to give him ANOTHER chance to redeem himself. Go get help. Go into a program and STAY in the program. That's when he went to Washburn house. He did good for a while. I didn't get to talk to him much, he could only call at night, but i would always wait for his call. He finished his detox there and was in the second step of the program. I was proud of him. I was happy that he was finally doing the right thing. After a while, he decided that he didn't need the program anymore, wanted to leave and start his life over, again. He swore he would stay sober, because he wanted to be in our lives so badly. I trusted him. It was a day or two before my birthday that he got released. Yay! I finally got to see him again. I was so happy and so hopeful this time would be different. I have to admit, i have a big mouth. And everyone knew what he had done to me, along with everything he's been doing. The lying, the using, the stealing, everything. So at this point, none of my friends supported my relationship with him. He was bad. I knew that. He did bad things, yes. But, i knew him differenty than everybody else. So to me, their opinions didn't matter. He was everything to me. He still made me feel loved, needed, and happy. I hid my relationship with him. Only a couple friends knew what i was up to. For them, i am forever grateful. The support, the shoulder to cry on when things got bad, the advice yet no judgement. I needed it. To this day, i have a couple friends that still understand me and how hard this last year has been for me. There was a point i didn't think i would recover from this. I couldn't even hold myself together at work, because while i was there, especially saturdays, i would be miserable and cry. Why? Because saturdays used to be my favorte day to work. Because of him. The flirting, the sneaking in the walk in/freezer/back door to kiss. It was sweet, and sneaky, and i LOVED it. Without him there, it was all i could think about. Why couldn't things have stayed that way? Why did it all have to change and get SO complicated? Why did i have to end up so HURT and LOST in the end? Back to my birthday, anyways. He spent the day with me. It was good. I was happy. I had plans with my friends that night. We were partying, i had a whole party at the bar. He couldn't come because again, we were a secret at this point. Everyone hated him and he understood. At this point in my life, i will admit i may have had a drinking problem. Through everything he did to me and put me through, i needed to numb the pain. I spent a lot of time at the bars. I was getting drunk almost every night. It was a routine. He saw what he did to me. He realized that the girl who never drank, seemed to always need a drink now. I got trashed on my birthday of course. It was a great night and i loved every second of it. I kept texting him through the night, and i called him drunk when i got home. Not the first, nor the last drunk call i've made to him. I would always drunk call him a billion times until he would wake up and talk to me because at the end of the night, i only wanted to hear his voice. He would always talk to me about eerything and kept talking to me until i was ready to go to sleep. The day after my birthday was the day shit really hit the fan. I was hungover, obviously. I didn't feel good at all, and i was supposed to hangout with him. I bailed, and he was so mad at me. He was staying at a homeless shelter in fitchburg at that point and found a way to gardner so i didn't have to drive all the way out there. He sat at mcdonalds all day waiting for me, but i was not only hungover. I was coming to realize that i didn't want to be in a relationship i had to hide from everybody else i loved. If i was to be in a relationship, i wanted it to be with someone who could come around my friends and family. That was the day i decided to become distant. He freaked out, like really freaked out. I wish i still had the messages and voicemails. I felt bad, but i knew it was time to do the right thing for myself. That night, he checked back into washburn. He said he drank two nips to get them to let him back in, but i know he had money and could have gotten his heroin. I believe he did, even though he never admitted it. He's back at washburn now, getting help again. This time, he really stuck it out. He completed his programs. I Stayed in contact with him, because i wanted to know how he was doing and how his recovery was going. I would message him almost every day, some nights i would get phone calls. He was always there for me. Through all the bullshit my exhusband would put me through, he was always the one i would call and vent to. He always had the best advice and always made me feel better about whatever situation i was in. Now that we weren't together, i did meet someone else. At the bar, actually. He came in, and i was desperate to get over this boy. He was my rebound. But it didn't go as well as id hoped. He was a coke head/alcoholic. Why did i attract these men that need help? But don't want the help. I ended it with him, because if i was going to fix anyone, it would and will always be the boy that meant everything to me from the day he walked into my life. I never really stopped talking to him. He would sometimes try to ghost me because i would be "better off" which is not a lie. I would be. But i had an attachment to him that nobody could ever break. We stayed in contact. Always checking in on each other. Sometimes we would speak about being together again, though we both knew it would never be possible after all the things he's done. He got a job through washburn. He was doing GREAT. He was  starting to look at cars and apartments back in Gardner. He wanted to come back. I wanted him to come back, i won't deny that. I knew it would be hard for both of us, but i forever want to know what he's doing and i want to watch him become everything he has ever dreamt of. He had real goals this time. And he had every opportunity to get it all done. It kind of made me angry that he was finally going to get an apartment and do better in life, because i needed him to do that for me months ago. We could have been together, we could have had a good life. But at least he's doing the right thing now, right? So i thought. He was sending me all the apartments he was going to look at, and they were all really nice, and in Gardner. Which is what i wanted. I wanted him close. I wanted to know what he was up to and how good he was doing. I was excited for him. He got a car! I'm not sure how, because his red VW was repoed only like, 6 months ago? I know that because i remember the night it happened. We were at the Turtle, and driving home, he got pulled over and didn't have insurance. They towed the car, and i snuck him into my bedroom and he spent the night with me. I think that may have been the last night we spent together. He ended up giving up on the car because he had no money to get it out of the towing garage, no money to insure it, or pay for it. At that point, he hadn't paid on it in a long time. When he went into Washburn, i cleaned out his car. I took what i wanted and what i thought would be important to him. I saw all the narcan in his glove box. Along with SO MUCH CHOCOLATE. He told me once that heroin addicts live off sweets. Boy, they sure did. When i cleaned out his car, i kept his cologne. It was the scent that he always wore. I loved  it. I still wear it now. And i always think of him. The clean, well taken care of, good smelling, perfect boy i loved with my whole heart. At this point, i didn't know where that boy went. Now, i was just frusterated. Frusterated that i fell so har for him, changed my entire life for him, and this is how it ended up. Though, i will admit i am and will forever be grateful. This year, i have learned so many things. I have seen and gone through things that i never thought i would. I overcame things that i thought would tear me down and i would never be the same. Although it's true, i will NEVER be the same, i will always have a spot in my heart for him, but he's made it clear what's more important to him. I met up with him when he first got his new car. He was in the area, and asked me to show him where the waterfall was, where we used to go last summer. I met him, and had him follow me there. He and I talked for like 20 minutes, but it felt..different. But at the same time, i felt comfortable. Like nothing ever happened. He was clean now. At this time, 5 months sober. With a new car. A new job. Apartment searching. He was FINALLY doing it. I couldn't have been happier. But, he never got out of his car. I never got to even hug him, and to be honest, i don't remember the last time i was in his arms. I've tried to kind of blur out everything so i could try and forget. To heal. But realistically, there is no true healing from this. I'll never recover from any of this. But, i am smarter. I have learned. I have grown. And i wouldn't be where i am or who i am today if it wasn't for him. A week or two after i met up with him, i saw his car again. Where i saw it though, i PRAYED it wasn't him. I called him. No answer. I'm crying and panicking now. It was at the crack house that he used to spend all his time at when he was using.  He called back, after i drove by the car a few times. I knew it was his car. It had to be. When he called back, he claimed it was not him and he was on his way home from his sisters. I thought that was strange, considering it was a week day and his sister works a lot. When i drove by again, the car was gone. I reached out to his sister to confirm his story..He lied. No surprise. He's always lied. He was ALMOST 6 months sober. And there he was, back to his shit. Why would he put in all that effort and be SO CLOSE to having everything he's wanted? He threw it all away. I will never understand. He knew i was onto him, he knew his family was onto him, because i always reach out and tell his sister if i suspect anything or see anything. He ended up selling his cellphone, and going "missing"..I was a mess. Really. Knowing he is missing, and using again, he could be dead anywhere and nobody would know. The entire week he was missing, i looked for him for hours every day. I drove around Gardner so much, just hoping i'd find him or at least find someone who has seen him and knew he was okay. He finally posted on facebook that he was fine and checking himself in somewhere to get help again. I had a feeling that wasn't true. I hoped it was, but i think after everything, i know better. That is when i got emails saying someone was hacking into my accounts. Paypal, Venmo, my actual Email, etc. He started stealing money from me again. I tracked it back to him, because he was using his friends phone number, who is a known addict because i caught him lying to me saying he was with him a couple times, saying he was safe, when really he was just getting high with this guy right before i brought him to detox. I tracked the number to his friend, then tracked the number to the address. You'll never guess what the address was? The crack house he loved being at so much. Then i started noticing his car. He would park in different places, but close enough to walk back and forth to the crack house. He knew what he was doing to me again. I'll never understand why he would take from me..when all i've ever done is try to help him. Check up on him. I really thought we had a special relationship, a bond, i thought that him and i would always look out for eachother. But he was still out to fuck me over. I drive by his car every single day now. It's on the main road i take to go everywhere. It's literally 5 minutes from my house, if that. And what KILLS me every day, is that i know he's in there. I know what he's doing. I can't do anything to stop him. At this point, it's a waiting game. I believe you can only cheat death so many times. He has done it a lot, and i worry every day that i'm going to get that call or message that he's gone. I don't think he's coming back this time. I think this is it. I believe that when i get the honor to meet his wonderful sister who has been there for me through all of this, it will be at his funeral. I know i can't save him. I know he has ghosted his family, because he is ashamed of himself and doesn't want them up his ass. This is the life he has chosen. And it is such a shame, because he really has the most beautiful soul, he's a wonderful person, when he is sober. I will never be okay with any of this. I am not coming to terms with anything. I hurt, every single day. The whole point of writing this was to get it all out of my head, so try and heal a little bit. As this comes to an end, i have to admit that i don't feel any less heartbroken. I'll forever think of him every time i drive by that building. Everytime i hear certain songs (there are a LOT of songs that remind me of him, some seem as if i wrote them myself.) Everytime i go anywhere we made a memory, he will forever be in the back of my mind. This will stick with me for my whole life. I know that. So, to the boy that stole my heart the second he walked into dunkins... I hope you always know how much i have cared and loved you from day one. I hope all my efforts to help you, fix you, support you, meant something. I hope my drunk phone calls made you giggle and feel special because it was you i wanted to talk to all the time. I hope you meant everything you said on your list of things you loved about me, because i meant EVERYTHING on mine. I hope you regret chosing heroin over me. I hope you regret stealing from me time and time again. I hope you are ashamed of yourself and how you let the demons take over you. I hope you turn your life back around again, but i won't hold my breath this time. I am preparing for your death, but when it comes, please know i will not be okay. At all. But, you chose this. Nobody wanted to see you end up this way. Your family, your friends, me, we all were routing for you and so proud of you. I wish you were stronger. I wish you fought harder. I wish you didn't give in to the temptations. You could have had a beautiful, happy life. You would have made an amazing husband/father one day. I will never understand you or your choices. I will never regret you. I may never forgive you, but i pray for you. I pray you read this one day, and feel what i feel. And i hope that maybe it's enough to save yourself before it's too late. Nobody can save you but yourself. xo * (so cool) *

an andi mack reminisce + a thank you to you all

i wanted to write something just remembering all the experiences and joy ive had with this show and fandom as well as give thanks to every single one of you in the fandom. this is probably going to get Really Long so i’ll be putting this under a keep reading border so it doesnt clog up peoples dashboards :3

anyways, to start this long ramble off, i’ve been in this fandom for almost 2 years. i found andi mack through a “top ten gay disney characters” youtube video a day after season 1 episode 1 had aired while i was sick actually which is the absolutely weirdest way to find the show but im so happy i found it. i actually wasnt going to watch it originally but i saw a character i had never seen before in the thumbnail, and that peaked my curiosity. of course, this character was cyrus, and upon finding him and this show, i immediatly bingewatched every episode to get caught up to the storyline for cyrus, and i got hooked on the first episode. this show is so important to me for so many reasons, and im so incredibly greatful for how well everyone working on the show has done in bringing these characters to life to show so many important aspects of life. seeing topics such as being lgbt, anxiety, teen pregnancy, and learning disabilities being brought up as well as seeing such a diverse and amazing cast makes me so incredibly happy and i am so glad the kids watching this can get introduced to these things in such a good way. i was also very depressed when i had found andi mack, and it and its fandom helped me through all of that and i will always be greatful it was there in that point of my life.  this show also has such relatable and great characters, and the actors to these characters are just as amazing. i was able to easily relate to andis love of crafts and arts, the loyalty of buffy, the awkwardness and kindness of cyrus, and also the complete dumbassary of season 1 jonah beck when i started watching. the characters have always been written in such an entertaining and great way too, so its always been easy to get immediately wrapped up in whatever a character may be doing or dealing with. seeing all of these characters develop and grow throughout these past few seasons has just been amazing to watch, especially since ive grown so attached to these characters. i also can relate a lot to the lgbt and anxiety storylines, as i am lgbt (bi and trans, yeehaw!!) and also deal with an anxiety disorder. watching cyrus deal with coming out multiple times and living his life as a newly discovered gay kid is just what i needed to see and relate to back when i was fresh into 8th grade and starting to get used to life after realizing i was bi, and i can relate to it even more now that ive realized im trans. with jonah, seeing him have such a realistically portrayed reaction to panic attacks as well as a very realistically portrayed panic attack in general was just the representation i needed, and helped to keep reminding me that all of what i deal with doesnt make me any less of a person. all of this representation being shown so well has made the experience of watching this show even better. and now, onto all of you guys!! :D when i first started watching this show all the way back at season 1 episode 1, i scrambled to find any other fans out there, and i started my search at tumblr. i was instantly welcomed with an excited and passionate fanbase that welcomed every new member with open arms and kindness. the fandom has always had a sense of us all being a tight-knit group, even with the fandom getting quite large now. also, with our fandom being so large now, you would expect a crazier fandom with more drama, but weve stayed so peaceful throughout the shows entire run, and i think thats really impressive!! honestly i feel like sticking through the hiatuses together has just made us an even tighter-knit andi mack fandom family and has also given us a  l o t  of patience DGKLJSDGLKG you all make such great content and ive never seen a fandom this passionate or dedicated before. the quality of fics, edits, art, animatics, animations, covers, theories, discussion and also baking in this fandom is incredible. being in this fandom has been so much fun and ive always been happy to come see whats in the tag everyday. its been a wild ride since the beginning of season 2 and you guys have made this fandom the best experience possible :D also some random memories: - y’all remember when tyrus was a crackship?? i remember shipping tyrus at the swingset scene and being so low on content in the tyrus tag omg, i still cant believe theyre finally becoming canon in just a few hours :,) - when we first started trending when cyrus came out to buffy.. that was WILD - DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER WHEN BEING AROUND YOU HAPPENED GLSJGDLKGD it feels like its been forever since that episode aired omg - m u f f i n   t h e o r i e s - literally every time a promo released we all gained exactly one braincell hellbent on making as many theories as possible and we all shared it until the episode or episodes released - i remember when josh confirmed that cyrus would get an endgame and also crying a lot that day because of said confirmation - i remember being on vacation when the episode with cyrus talking to tj about his dyscalculia and i remember my brother wondering why i was freaking out DGKSHDSGK the fandom was wildin when that episode released its been a fun ride guys, and i hope we can keep the fandom alive for a long time after the finale :3

(1/2 sorry!) ok so i read the darkest part of the forest maybe like two months ago and at the time i remember thinking wow this world is so fantastic but its missing something. the only place where tdpotf fell short for me was character attraction. i was never invested enough in the characters for all the delicious angst and drama to hit me quite like it was supposed to. i fell in love with the world almost immediately, but not the characters. -🐍💜

(2/3 im so sorry!) then like two weeks ago i was scrolling through the lamp tag when i came across yet another part of the laoft series and mentally i was like ok this will be a commitment but it keeps cropping up and im curious. so i clicked of the first fic and i was immediately drawn in because as plenty of people have stated before, your writing is FANTASTIC, but secondly because you wrote exactly what i needed to love the story wholeheartedly. i was already attached enough -🐍💜

(3/3 fuck sorry) anyway i was already attached enough to all the sides that your fic hit me like a fucking truck. i already knew the basic plot, so i was able to follow the basic twists, but you kept me guessing the whole time. i cannot tell you how many times this fic made me cry or squeal and kick my feet in the air, but you managed to make a nearly perfect book perfect for me and im so fantastically grateful. you brought the world alive so well and im so impressed by all of it. -🐍💜

ALAKSJDHASDKLJH FIRST OFF you NEVER have to apologize for sending me wall-of-text compliments i am at heart a peacock longing to be paid attention to

second you have NO CLUE how stoked i am that you were still kept a little guessing even being already familiar with the source material thats just like!!! SO incredibly flattering!!!

i love writing it and im so so glad that other people also love it because its my baby and i literally!!! never get tired of hearing people reactions!!! im so happy you like it that much!!!!!

some detailed thoughts on an LABB movie w a ‘read more’ bc i have A Lot To Say

i want it to be a movie bc i love movies

im also open to the concept of a mini series but a full tv show might be a challenging stretch

animated or live action would both be incredible and both have their unique pros and cons

the whole thing is DISTINCTLY LA

busy streets and palm trees and the Hollywood sign and the shiny, overly false glamour of everything

would really contrast well with Rue Ryuzaki’s disturbing fake-ness

like he’s just as fake as the whole city, that both he and Hollywood have on this costume to hide tragedy and hideous deeds

i want it to have the glitz and glam and extravagance of the recent gatsby movie (which i adore, dont come for me)

if bahz luhrmann doesn’t direct i will RIOT id die for bahz luhrmann he’s Good and he has the same energy and chaotic attitude of beyond birthday himself

i want beyond to have a scene like the one where Nick realizes who Gatsby is and Gatsby turns around with the champagne flute and the fireworks go off in slow motion as he smiles that’s my favorite shot in all of cinematic history no joke

it’s HIGHLY STYLIZED. i want bright colors and weird aesthetic choices

I also want some shockingly beautiful frames of LA and surprisingly sophisicated shots of Beyonds face lit up in different neon colors or something

Indie enough to be weird and fun but pop enough to be easily digestible

it opens with mello writing his book (like moulin rouge!! a;lsdjfk)

his burn scars are just healing and he knows he’ll die soon so he has to write down all his important memories, leave something behind

he wants to write down something important to him, something that he can leave for Near, something that might put his own life and actions into context

something that might help other people understand who he was more

so of course, he thinks of beyond

who he respects and admires and pities

who has such a similar and yet different story from Mello’s own

so maybe in understanding beyond and understanding how mello feels about beyond

people will understand mello

near will understand mello

so mello gets to work detailing this story his incredible mentor L once told him, describing this beautiful memory he has of meeting with and talking to L and how L told him about Beyond

(in this scene, you don’t SEE L. you just get an idea of what he looks like, flashes and shots, so that the audience can know L well enough to still wonder about the identity Rue Ryuzaki throughout the movie)

and then of course, we dive into the story

Beyond is OVER THE TOP. he’s more than unsettling, he’s downright terrifying. but he’s still somehow intriguing and even charming at times, like he can turn the smoulder on and off at will. 

Hes a disaster nb, a fabulous hodgepodge of discarded gender roles and impressive makeup skills

Him practicing his evil laugh and trying so desperately to be this comic villain didjdjdje hes such a loser i love him that scene NEEDS to make an appearance

he and naomi’s chemistry is incredible to watch on screen because beyond dominates any scene he’s in unless naomi is there to challenge him because her acting is also so powerful that when they’re on screen together, it’s like you can’t tear your eyes away from this insane car wreck that is their relationship

and NAOMI

a;lksdfj;dlkfj naomi misora <3 <3 <3 <3 ok im ready

so naomi is also a powerful presence on screen, even though she’s not crawling on the ground or eating with her hands or you know whatever ridiculous garbage beyond is doing

more time is spent on her

her disastrous relationship with raye

her feelings over her suspension from the FBI

and really play up the whole jessica jones thing she’s got going on

i want black leather for DAYS

I want “gritty LA detective who’s on suspension from the FBI because she doesn’t play by the rules” or whatever except it’s a twist because not only is she not a man, like this trope usually calls for, but it turns out she was suspended because of her tenderness and humanity instead of her brutality

she still needs to have MULTIPLE fight scenes, a few with beyond and maybe even a few with other attackers, who she absolutely mops the floor with

but then she and beyond have a scene where they fight against someone together

he’s not a good fighter. she mostly has to save his butt every time but he’s just happy to be there and probably keeps saying stuff like ‘wow misora you’re amazing!’ and she’s like ‘?!?! ryuzaki you loser?1?! run?!?’

and of course, there’s enough twists and changes from the book to keep everyone on their toes, but GOOD changes

like maybe we go back to mello a few times and he has more of his own subplot where his relationship to near is revealed more fully, that he wants near to understand him and he wants to reach out to near emotionally in this way

contrast mello’s story with beyond’s so when we learn beyond’s full story at the end, he and mello are revealed to be foils of each other

we get shots of wammy’s house and we see a and beyond interact and we see beyond’s life-destroying grief over a’s death

we get contrasting shots of wammy’s with mello and near and we’re allowed to hope that maybe they can be happier

A and beyond become something of a subplot leading up to as death but you dont entirely realize who beyond is until the big reveal at the end

maybe beyond does some more unsettling things that are just as creepy and in-character but are a terrible surprise for those who’ve already read the book!! i can’t imagine what other horrific thing he could do to scare naomi, but there’s got to be something

i’m rly into bday massacre bc i love naomi and beyond’s rly twisted relationship so i’d love to see more of him being in awe of her, more of them connecting, more of beyond opening up to her even. maybe she tells him a little bit about her suspension. just a little.

also if we could like clean up some of the plot holes in this joint pls and thank you

id even be ok if it’s insinuated that he self-sabotaged a little, on a conscious level or not, bc i feel like that wouldn’t be tooooooo ooc i mean, he’s a hot mess. most of this is just a really twisted cry for help anyway, at least in my interpretation. he wants people to realize he’s suffering. he just… can’t do it in a normal or healthy way :/

beyond pls a;lkdfj

Anyway. Theres also a boppin soundtrack

Fire is a big motif. Maybe make a connection between wildfires in CA and beyond using this case to self-destruct

A little more closure at the end. Thats part of the drive behind my bday massacre fanfic rn is that i feel like he and naomi never got any real closure on the traumatizing, like, week or two they spent together

I also want more closure on naomi as a character arc. I want her to dump rayes sorry butt and i want her to have had some sort of real internal change. None of this “she picks up her life where she left off and never thinks abt beyond again”

Of course, L is revealed and has his glorious little spill down the concrete subway stairs. Its What He Deserves :)

And of course we have to make the obvious contrast between both beyond and mello having survived serious burn injuries its just another thing that makes them such interestingly comparable characters

If Naomi visits Beyond in prison to say goodbye, i wouldnt be opposed. If they made my fanfiction into a movie i wouldnt be opposed

Mello prints out his book in the mafia hideout, his arms folded and waiting as paper after paper comes out, just begging any of these mafia dudes to mock him for liking to write. None of them do. Its a funny moment tho

He debates sending it to near, feeling so awkward and prideful, but he finally does it, leaving instructions for it to reach near after his death.

In the end, naomi and beyond are revealed to be dead at the same time as near receives the package from his dear mello

Naomi and beyond were doomed, and so were beyond and a, but now… near has mellos last love letter to him, cryptically begging him to try to understand. And so theres hope that although the rest of these relationships were doomed, maybe near can still have one piece of mello and be happy

Your name is Jake English and you’re about to fulfill your destiny.

Ever since you were thirteen, you knew it had to be done. Your grandma had been killed for it, you were on your island became of it, and you had your last name as a result of it. Everything was set in stone. When John’s retcon blue faded and the eight of you now stood on a stage before Caliborn, a box, a strange bunny, and Lil’ Cal, it suddenly set in. This was when it was going to happen. You were going to give Lord English his first defeat.

==> Jake: Prepare

The first thing you notice is the cherub’s sickening laugh, which came about after initial confusion. This is almost like the trigger of a pistol because everyone jumps up and beings rummaging about, including yourself. Truth be told, you have no idea what in the fuck you’re doing. You haven’t even tried using your powers yet, nor do you believe you can. Your eyes leap from the bunny to the box to the puppet to the cherub, then back, looping around. Occasionally, you catch glimpses of your teammates. None of you know what to do. At this moment, you wonder if maybe, perhaps, you all bit off just a bit more than you lot could ever dream to chew.

None of you settle down until the green bastard before you leaps off his makeshift podium. Out comes a very strange, white house-looking thing. You’d ponder what it was, perhaps even noting the similarities between it and that symbol on the game’s papers, but you don’t have time. Suddenly, your grandmother ( but younger ) and her friends get sucked into it, and the box closes. Half your team is down. Is there really any hope of winning this? That’s all you can think as you half-hide behind Dirk, though keep your ground in front of the girls. 

The sound of Caliborn hitting the box eats away at your brain. Are they safe? Are they hurt? Will he do that to the rest of you? A wave of questions crashes down on your mind, causing you to not think straight in the slightest. You barely even register Dirk demanding his puppet be returned. You blink, and suddenly, a fight breaks out.

==> Jake: Fight

Dirk, being in the front, is kicked down first, and Jane is thrown back. You’ll have none of that! No one hurts your friends, especially not with you in earshot! You’re a big, strong adventurer… Right? 

No. No, you’re not. You’re not a fighter. That point has hit you like a speeding bullet multiple times since you awoke from the trickster spell. But you’ll be damned if you aren’t going to help your friends. Which is your first move, as you rush to Jane to help her up. If you can’t fight, at least you can see if she’s alright. Minorly hurt, but nothing to write home about. Still, you’re furious. Anger is boiling over in you at the mere idea that he’d go after your dear friend. An attempt is made at the so-called defeat you’re ready to gift the cherub, a fist coming up as you turn around, when, suddenly -- he pushes you over and kicks you with such force, you’re sent back into the side of the stage. As pathetic as it is to say, this is enough to cause you to wobble as you get back up. One of your resulting stumbles lands in a bad place as no stage is there to catch your foot and you tumble to the floor below. 

The force was a lot stronger than you’d ever care to admit. Now, like the weakling you are, you’re immobile on the ground, forced to listen to the grunts and moans of your three friends getting their asses handed back to them. Was that it? Your one shot at a defeat? Did you just doom your entire timeline because you fell off of a stupid stage?

All four of you are getting kicked and punched in a cycle, and none of you are getting up. The whines from your friends hurt more than any of the hits. You’ve failed at keeping your friends safe. In a matter of minutes, you’ve fucked up so badly, you can’t even reclaim your own last name. 

Pathetic.

Pathetic.

PATHE--

That last hit does you in. The edges of your sight get fuzzy before darkening. It hits you what’s happening, but not before you fall unconscious on the floor below you. 

==> Jake: Black Out

Below you is your bed. On your head, your skulltop. Dirk just finished telling you some sort of story. A real kicker of a story, if you do say so yourself. So many twists and turns. How prodigious it was!

GT: Anyhoo thats a heck of a tragic and thrilling tale dirk.  GT: I am still totally cockeyed and catawampus about it all i dont even know what to think.  TT: But you believe me, right? 

What… were you two talking about?

GT: Oh yeah every word of it!  TT: Wow.  GT: Why shouldnt i? You are my friend and i trust you. 

This feels strange.

TT: I still just think it's impressive, is all. Even after all this time. You are pretty much a one of a kind dude.  GT: Heh not really i just like believing stuff and believing in people.  GT: Wait what do you mean?  TT: About what?  GT: When you said after all this time?  GT: You just told me now!  TT: Yes.  GT: Hang on.  GT: Blarg! The deja vuey shit is happening again!!!  GT: Okay i am SURE weve had this conversation before so many things are familiar.  GT: I remember you saying the one of a kind dude thing and i remember saying the word catawampus and...  GT: All of it!  GT: Whats going on? 

You’re right. You have said this all before. Every word of it.

TT: Took you long enough to figure it out.  TT: Pages really are a slow burning class. Damn.  GT: Figure what out!  TT: You're asleep.  GT: Oh. 

Of course. You’re asleep. And this isn’t Dirk. It’s Brain Ghost Dirk. You don’t remember falling asleep though… Or do you? Wasn’t something important happening? 

GT: What… were we on about? GT: My goodness my mind is foggy… TT: Damn, you’re fucking forgetful. TT: This whole thing started with your grandma and Lord English. We then wrapped around about my timeline and here we are. GT: Wait what was that first thing? TT: Your grandma. GT: No after that. TT: My timeline. GT: Work with me strider for crying out loud!!! TT: Lord English. GT: Yeah! That!

Why is that so important? Those two words. They stick out like sore thumbs, causing you to bite your tongue.

GT: Oh! I was serving the guy up some slap stew! TT: More like he was serving you, bro.  GT: Oh. Right. TT: You can still turn it around, though.  GT: I can? TT: I dunno. You’re the hope guy, remember? GT: Haha. I thought i was. TT: What’s changed? GT: Oh you know nothing much just about EVERYTHING. TT: Well, do you think it’s worth a shot? GT: I mean id like to hope so. TT: There you go. GT: What? GT: Oh. GT: Hardy har har. TT: Dust yourself off and give it another go. Your words, not mine.

Hearing that alone brought a smile to your face. Dirk, whether in Brain Ghost form or not, always believed in you. Maybe even enough to make you believe in yourself on rare occasions. That alone gave you some hope. 

GT: Then ive got some english ass to kick! GT: Wait i mean his ass not mine!!! TT: I gathered that much. 

==> Jake: Wake Up

At some point, you feel your eyes blink a few times. The sounds, which begin muffled and hide behind a ringing in your ears, become louder and louder, until they’re making your head swim. You’re not done. The fight isn’t over. 

Grabbing the side of the stage, you get up, regardless of how dizzy you feel. Roxy and Jane aren’t doing anything, so that only leaves one person to be leading the resistance. Climbing on stage, you see Dirk, incredibly hurt, but fighting nonetheless. He was always a fighter, something you wish you were more like. But he’s in bad shape. 

What you did to him was wrong. Ghosting him was the worst thing you could have done, and you know that now. Do you still love him? Does it matter? He’s always been there for you, either as a lover or a best friend. You can’t stand to see him take a beating like this. Tears well in your eyes. Blinking them away just makes them run down your cheeks. When Dirk falls and Caliborn kicks him, that’s the last straw. You’re angry. So angry, in fact, you want to kick his ass. So much so, you’re going to do it. You’re going to kick his fucking ass.

==> Jake: Defeat This Poor Son Of A Bitch

Flying into the air, you force yourself between the two and yell. You yell so hard, you barely even notice the glow around your body, the ball forming around you, or how the stage is being brightened up. The hope is so big and out of control, it swallows the three of you, though your intent is not to hurt Dirk. Caliborn is not so lucky. He’s yelling, which you can’t hear over your own screams and sobs. Eventually, the shield gets so big, Roxy and Jane are subject to it, along with everything around you guys. But you don’t want to destroy anything but Caliborn. 

==> Jake: Calm Down

You’re so lost in your anger, you barely even know what’s happening. Then, a soft voice in your head tells you to calm down. As quick as it came, the ball is gone, though you’re still glowing. Once the anger clouding your eyes has blown away, you look down at whom you just defeated, who is currently staring up at the ceiling. He’s not hurt. At least, not physically, from what you can see, but he does look very broken. Exhaustion barrels into you and you fall to the floor, lying on your stomach, hands trying to push yourself back up. You can’t, but Dirk and Caliborn both do.

You’re unsure if you’ve fallen unconscious again or not, but three metallic horses land on the stage. The pure, unadulterated absurdity of this makes you wonder if this is some sort of fever dream, but you feel awake, so what the fuck. Though with a bit of added strength from them, you get to your hands and knees, then stand. 

Caliborn is walking towards you four and, for a brief moment, you’re worried. Then, the famed red sprite Arquius comes out from the shadows ( was he always there? ) and grabs Caliborn by the neck from behind. The green asshole is choking, gasping for air, and you don’t know how to react. Luckily, the other three seem to be equally as shitting-their-pants scared as you are. This is only heightened when Dirk seems to attempt destroying them, their souls stretching and deforming, but it’s futile. As a last resort, everyone but you and your posse gets sucked into the puppet. Then, with a nod of Roxy’s head, the puppet is gone. 

You stand there in awe, wondering what just happened. Did you do it? Did you just defeat and, as a result, create Lord English? Does this mean the timeline isn’t doomed? As the other four lost kids return, you want to smile. You honestly, truly want to grin. This day has been built-up since your birth, yet, you feel empty. A fight was still going to go down. All you did was make one of the main targets all the more terrifying. But you had to. This was your purpose. 

With a pat on the back from Dirk, almost to signal you had done something right, whether you believe that or not, you all get prepared for the final battle and the subsequent winning of the game. A part of you feels your job is done, though. 

Your name is Jake English and you just fulfilled your destiny. 

==> Jake: Get Ready To Kick Some Felt Ass