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snowpeawritings · 3 years

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As Long-Standing As The Earth

Every day, Zhongli stares down at a little cube. The cor lapis-colored thing humming with Geo energy as the little dial that shows on one side slowly ticks.

When the dial reaches its peak, Zhongli feels like the earth is alive again.

Reader is gender neutral

CW (CONTENT WARNING): Reincarnation AU, Modern AU, Zhongli character story spoilers, blood warning

❄ Snowpea’s words: LET’S GO ZHONGLI BANNER DROPPING TOMORROW I WROTE 2K WORDS LIKE I PROMISED--

The first time he held the little cube, you were dying in his arms.

It shouldn't shake him, he thinks. He is the god of war, death became a norm when mortals and archons alike are associated with him. He is the long-standing pillar that brought his army to victory. Just like the earth that continues to stand, just like his energy that reshaped the land, he will not bow to whatever danger his immortal lifetime will experience.

It shouldn't shake him. It shouldn't shake his hands when he holds your lifeless corpse, your blood running down his skin like water weathering down stone. It shouldn't.

Yet it does. Each stream of blood crumbled his visage, eyes pleading at your dead ones to see if you will laugh at how ridiculous he looks. He would take any sort of jest from you just to see you that you were even capable of making jokes while bleeding out.

You never did.

And just like sand, he crumpled down onto the earth, hoping that he would be swallowed in when the gods took you away from him.

The second time he held the cube, it was when he used it for the first time.

He remembers it fondly; you were pledged to him beyond Teyvat's mortal realms, as a god and a mortal who were sworn to each other. You joked about it, saying you two were practically married to each other and wondered if he hated the fact that he had been tied down to a mortal.

Before, he would've laughed at the thought and said that you were silly.

He wished he could've done more than just laugh at your insecurities.

The Guili Plains were slowly coming to life as he spent his energy on making his abode. You mentioned to him before that you would've loved to sit back and eat your favorite cuisine underneath a red tree, surrounded by water as the sound of nature encompasses your dining wonderfully. He had hoped that the tree in the center was big enough for you to see.

As if realizing his fondness, a little cube-no bigger than his palm-glowed from his pocket. It hummed with elemental energy as he gasped at the dial pointing at its peak.

Terraforming would have to wait.

Ever since the Archon War, he began to loathe being an archon.

He sees old friends come and go or worse, die during the war. It wouldn't be a surprise that he was used to death.

No… that's not how he would describe it.

He was used to loneliness…?

Close.

Ah, he grew tired of being lonely. He supposes that was an agreeable feeling to describe him. The price of him wanting to end his loneliness was a price his heart couldn't bear. He was a smart god, cleverly providing strategies in order to gain the upper hand in the war.

Clearly, he wasn't smart enough to know the long-term consequences of his need.

The gods had warned him and he stood his ground as resolute as the mountains of Liyue.

The bustling village greeted his sight. Newcomers of Liyue and old villagers walked around, giving space for him to walk. Whether it was fear or admiration towards the archon, he couldn't care less. He set sight on a rather large house, its windows and doors opened for the public as wounded laid down on cots. Victims of people attempting to colonize Liyue, Treasure Hunters, or the sad case of Hilichurls, he couldn't care less.

He spots the aura of yellow energy before he could properly see the person. They were wearing a nurse's outfit, caked with blood and unknown grime from treating patients. Yet he never saw a more beautiful sight.

He approaches you and he feels the cube in his hand vibrate in tune with your aura. Making a deal with the devils be damned, he can never throw this opportunity away because he was an immortal.

"Oh, hello sir!" You greeted him and he felt the earth tremble slightly from your voice. "What can I help you with?"

He smiled at you, placing his palm in front of his chest pocket where the cube hummed. "My name is Zhongli. I heard that you are an excellent doctor?"

The third time he held the cube, he nearly threw it away along with his past.

He was no longer Morax, or Rex Lapis. He was just Zhongli, the head of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.

It was ironic, to be connected to a place of death and moving on when he tries to do the same thing. Not once did the thought of moving on never crossed his mind. Not once did the thought of giving up his life never crossed his mind because he was so tired.

His past seemed just as resolute as the earth, he thinks bitterly.

The cube that he wanted so badly to discard still kept reappearing in his sight. Whether throwing it outside the window or burning it in the fireplace or even chucking it at the Chasm. It doesn't matter, it keeps reappearing like it was gloating at him. Like it was sneering at him as it reminds him about this perpetual curse that follows him until his dying breath.

But that doesn't matter at the moment. He has a job to do as the head for doing the rite of passing. He follows the Traveler to the floral boutique, wanting to buy the best Silk Flowers for Rex Lapis's passing.

How fitting.

Before he could try to get a word out for the history of Silk Flowers, his words got trapped in his throat. He sees the same yellow aura that he associated with the color of Geo. No matter how much time has passed, he knows those vibrant colors anywhere. The cube inside his coat hummed annoyingly like it was trying for him to do something. You were blissfully unaware of his longing stare, busy trying to barter against a merchant for the cheapest price of cor lapis.

Oh, how much he wanted to march right next to you and barter with the merchant himself, say that the cor lapis he sold couldn’t hold a candle to the aura that you emitted, that he was willing to put the price of the cor lapis on his tab because you were worth it--

"Mr. Zhongli?" The Traveler's travelling companion asks. "Are you okay?"

He ignores them, chest tightening at the thought of seeing his love for the third time. "I… lost my thought. I apologize."

Stand as resolute as the earth, Zhongli scolds himself. You can't stay like this forever.

... Forever is nothing compared to an archon, though.

After having dinner with the Traveler with a smooth rite of passing, he would've loved to take Barbatos's advice and drink until he can't think.

The fourth time he held the cube, it was when he felt his powers slipping away.

The times have changed, he fears, for the Statues of the Seven slowly dwindled out until they were almost ruined. The age of metal and alchemy conquered Teyvat instead of the elemental energy and Visions that people possessed. He couldn't heal using the broken down Statues but at least he could share one last drink with Barbatos before the inevitable.

"You should see them build the first plane!" He said excitedly as he downed his umpteenth drink. "Looks like they don't need the winds from their archon anymore!"

Somehow, he wishes he could share Barbatos's anguished laughter as he drank himself into forgetfulness.

The age of innovation grew higher and higher towards its peak while Zhongli's powers grew lower and lower. Unsurprisingly, he doesn't mind it.

Anything to get rid of the blasted cube.

He gave up trying to get rid of it. Gave up on trying to find his love when the dial hits its peak. If giving away his gnosis meant that the cube would no longer work, he would. Even more so with the depletion of everyone's belief at Archons.

He hopes.

Alas, it appears Celestia would laugh at Zhongli's hopes, for when the cube glowed for another time, he nearly tore his hair out.

How many lifetimes? How many more heartbreaks? How many more funeral rites?

And yet he seemed to be the biggest fool despite being the eldest Archon, for when he sees you, an inventor innovating the new gadgets for tomorrow, he felt the earth beneath his feet tremble.

He missed this feeling.

"Hello sir!" You greeted him with enthusiasm that he wished he could relate to. "Care to see the future of mankind?"

He is the biggest fool there was. "I would love to."

And he may as well die as a fool.

The fifth time he held the cube, he was only fidgeting it around.

Funeral parlors were becoming commonplace but not a lot of customers. With globalization and the new funeral trends being used, people have mixed feelings about having such an expensive and extravagant rite of passing.

And it also doesn't help that he gets confused when some people don't even bother asking for his services. They just stare at him with a wiggly smile on their lips.

Regardless, he won't look a gift horse in the mouth. He sees the dial on its peak but he doesn't pay heed to it. He gave up. With how many people there are and newer countries emerging, he lost hope.

No, more like he doesn't care anymore.

It was probably an insult to you-no-it was a clear insult and it was scary that he doesn't care anymore. He can't be the man that existed before, assisting the Traveler and Childe. He can't be the broken down Archon that shared drinks with Barbatos. He was so goddamn tired that he deserves this sanctuary.

If he could even call it that.

And yet, he persisted. Not for Guizhong, not for you, but for himself.

He takes his time with his tea, relishing in the flavors as he used this time to calm himself. The sounds of the clock ticking, the ceramic of his cup hitting the table, and the distant sound of birds chirping were all welcomed to his ears. It appears that his daily tea rituals haven't changed at all ever since he was born.

As he sips up the last bit of his tea, a knock broke him out of his concentration. He allowed entry.

An employee under him bowed before straightening his back. "Mr. Zhongli, you have a customer."

He sets down the cup. "Bring them in."

The employee nodded at him before walking back to fetch the customer. He fixes his tie and moves his finished tea away, wanting to look best for the customer.

Hearing an extra set of footsteps, he raised his head to greet the customer but he felt the earth tremble.

Maybe Celestia had enough of his sulking as he sees you smile at him like the first of you smiled at the archon all those millenia ago.

"Hello, Mr. Zhongli," you greeted and his name never sounded so poisonously sweet in his ears, "I hope you aren't too busy with what I have to ask…"

He may as well start his own funeral rites for himself.

He takes a while before composing himself, not meeting your eyes as he gestured to the vacant seat on his left side. He can’t meet your eyes even when you sat down and smiled politely at him. It felt like his heart stopped, then jump started like an engine.

“So, um…” You said, fiddling with the tips of your fingers and Zhongli had to resist the urge to take your hands in his. “Mr. Zhongli, I was hoping that I could ask you something.”

He steeled his spine in order to not show the shiver he felt when he heard you say his name. Gods, when has it been that your past reincarnation said his name? Even in a non-romantic way? “Well, as long as it is within the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor’s power, I’ll do what I can.”

This time, you averted your eyes from him, your hand moving to scratch the back of your neck. “About that… it’s not really something related to the funeral parlor perse…”

He raised his brow, your nervousness almost easing him. “Oh?”

Your face flushed and Zhongli can’t help but feel his heart race just like before. “It’s ah… It’s just that I have a research thesis that I’m doing and for some reason, the people I’ve asked recommended you.”

He slightly deflated, then wondered why he felt disappointment in the first place. “A research thesis? Pertaining about...?”

You immediately perked up and you reached out from behind you. Your bag was sitting behind you, smooshed against the chair as Zhongli watched you curiously. From your backpack, you fished out a laptop, a heavy history book, a slim book, two notebooks, and a pencil case that’s practically bursting at the seams with stationery. You set them down on the table, the force clattering the plates but nothing was spilled.

You booted up your laptop, getting one of your notebooks and grabbing a pen. When the laptop finally booted up, you logged in and presented Zhongli what was on the screen.

He felt the earth tremble from his knee knocking up against the table.

‘History of Rex Lapis And Their Influence On The Modern World’

“I’m a huge fan of history, you see!” You explained quickly, grabbing the large book that shows an old copy of Rex Lapis Incognito, a book that he hasn’t seen a while. “I really appreciate everything that the old archons did for the world, even if people don’t believe in them anymore. I especially have a fondness for the adepti but they’re even more forgettable-but I don’t mean it in a bad way! I want to write this with intentions of people remembering what both archons and adepti did for Teyvat…”

He zoned out soon after you said ‘history’. He wasn’t the type to pray for a blessing when, after all, you’re a literal god. But it comes to a time where, after heartbreak after heartbreak, he grows tired and soon goes numb. He thought he hardened his heart ever since he subjected himself to this but it appears even bedrock can be reduced to dust.

He let out a small, shaky breath before raising his head. That doesn’t matter now. He was Zhongli, used to be adeptus, used to be archon, but now: a man.

He couldn’t be any happier.

“I admire your fondness for researching ancient history.” He said, cutting off your rambling. “I may not be as knowledgeable as any other book, but I will try my best. We should speak about this somewhere else, though. It would be dreadful to speak in a funeral parlor.”

Just like terraforming, he can be rebuilt.

#genshin impact #genshin impact imagines #zhongli #zhongli x reader #zhongli imagines #snowpea writes #scenario #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH ZHONGLI BANNER DONT HURT ME KSDKFNSKF #I OFFER THIS AS TRIBUTE

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kookadoodle · 6 years

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The Post-It Messenger

PLOT: A stranger admires Y/N from afar and takes her breath away with his art and innovation.

PAIRING: Taehyung x reader GENRE: fluff, S2L!AU WARNINGS: swearing, a lot of fluffy stuff WORDCOUNT: 3k A/N: first drabble, hope u enjoy x

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I put on a record of my favorite music and turn the volume up just right, letting the euphoric sounds seek through the speakers and surround me as it continues out through my apartment. It is Sunday, and it has almost become a routine for me to put on a good album as I clean up the mess I have made during the week. The vibe of the track embraces me so gently yet so vibrant, making me start moving my shoulders and hips to the beats. It feels a little silly to dance on my own, knowing dance is not really my forte. I giggle and overdue it just enough for it to be more funny than serious, amusing myself.

I walk over to the balcony and open up the doors, letting in the fresh air of spring. The sun is bright and lights up the room, complementing my white and wooden furniture with a nice tone. It already looks cleaner and more manageable, which I thank the weather for. The place is not too bad and five songs later, when side A has finished, my apartment is as good as new and rather inviting to look at. I turn over the record to play side B and slightly turn down the volume for a softer mood to calm my clammy skin. I pour myself a fresh glass of water and plop in a slice of lemon along with a few ice cubes, bringing it with me out on the balcony, which is just big enough to fit a small table set with two chairs. I place my glass on the table and look down onto the street below me. The traffic is not too busy, and the people seem calm and content, enjoying the weather. Spring is my favorite time of year and therefore I feel extra chipper today. Across from my building is another building with what seems to be a hundred windows, and they all reflect the blue sky and white clouds in them, bringing me inspiration. I step inside and grab my notepad and pen, bringing them out with me. I sit back down and lean back, placing my paper in my lap with my feet resting on the opposite chair. I click the pen and start to write what comes to mind.

“Blue is the color of logic, I promise it is so.

When I see blue, I think of things that I have come to know.

I think of the sky and how it separates us from the dark.

I think of how the world is blue from oceans that keep us apart.

Many say that blue is sad, yet how can that be true?

It is only logic I see, when I see the color blue.”

I scribble on, leaving poetic words on the page, traced by blue ink, which seems almost unforgivingly cheesy. Time goes by as I write and sketch and doodle on the notepad, listening to the sweet sounds of soothing blues.

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I pour the last cup of coffee, smiling at the customer, before I head out back and finish my shift at work. I take off the apron and say goodbye to my colleagues as I am on my way home. I walk out onto the street and pull out my phone, seeing a text on the screen.

[Today 15:05]

Y/F/N: Hey Y/N

Y/F/N: I’ll be dropping by later with that shirt I borrowed, if that’s okay?

[Today 17:05]

Y/N: sure thing :))

Y/F/N has been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and even though she knows that she is welcome anytime, she is still polite enough to ask. I like that about her. Not that I would mind her showing up at random, yet it shows that she respects my privacy. I finally reach my apartment block and climb the three flights of stairs. That was fucking exhausting, I think to myself, slightly embarrassed by my own cardio work. As I step up to my front door, I notice something resting against it. It is a medium-sized canvas with a note. I grab the canvas and turn it around to face me. My heart drops. It’s me, I repeat to myself in my head, startled by the sight I am met with. It is a painting of me, sitting on my balcony with my notepad and pen. I quickly open up the folded piece of paper by the door, revealing the written words inside.

“I saw you yesterday and you inspired me. I promise, I am not a creepy stalker. I simply thought you were beautiful and I had to paint you. I hope you like it”

A smile forms itself on my lips against my wishes. I feel both very flattered, yet also quite astonished. Who is this person? I ask myself, unsure of what I should be feeling. I bring the canvas inside and study it more closely. Apart from it being me (which freaks me out a little… or maybe even a lot), the painting itself is actually really beautiful. The detail of it proves the talent of its maker. Realizing the angle, I walk over to the balcony doors and look out, trying to find the stranger’s place. It must be from an apartment in the building across from mine. It only takes a few seconds for my eyes to notice something odd, standing out from the ocean of apartments. One of the windows have blue colored Post-Its on it, making up two words and a question mark: “like painting?”

I smile again, wider this time and feel as if butterflies are flying around in my tummy. I step into my room and pull out a stack of plain white Post-Its from my desk, bringing them back with me. One by one, I stick them onto the glass until it spells the word: “yes” on the balcony door. As I finish creating the last letter, I take a step back, checking it over. It looks fine, yet I start to wonder for how long I should keep them up, not knowing if the stranger will respond or even see my answer to their question. I take a breath and try to shake it off, since there might be hours until anything happens. I make myself a bowl of cereal and after I have finished eating, I check again. To my surprise, the stranger has already responded with a new word and a smiley: “good :)”

I take down the green post-its and rearrange them into a question of my own; “How to thank u?”, I write. The whole thing feels conflicting, since I do not know who it is. It could be prince charming (which I hope, since it would be so damn romantic) or it could be an old lady or a serial killer. I notice how fast my theories evolve and start to scare me a little. Before I know it, the stranger has written something new in a neon orange color. “May I come?” the Post-Its say, kind of stealing my breath away. I want to say yes, yet it feels very forward to do so. But they did ask, which seems even more forward than saying yes. “Okay,” I write back, feeling the nervousness hitting me like a brick wall. It is almost terrifying, and the wait is killing me. What am I doing? I rush around, cleaning up my already cleaned apartment and fix my already fixed hair in the mirror in the hall. Suddenly, in what feels like two minutes after, I hear a knock on the door.

“Y/N! How are you?” my best friend says with a big smile, throwing her arms around me in a hug. I sigh with relief as the face I see is a familiar one. Good timing, I think to myself, feeling calmer from her presence. “Come in!” I say and step away, allowing her to enter into my home. She places her bag on the kitchen counter and gives me another hug, making me grin. “Just so you know, I have someone coming over in a minute,” I say nervously, feeling the realization hitting me once again like a brick wall. “Who?” she asks suggestively, wiggling her brows. “I don’t know, actually,” I say with a strained smile, causing her to frown instead. Suddenly, I hear another knock and I turn towards it, looking back and forth at my friend and the door. It is like I freeze for the first few seconds until my friend suggests at me to make a move. “Get the door,” she says a little worried. I force myself to walk over to the door and turn the knob as my heart beats slightly faster. Y/F/N cannot see me from the kitchen and therefore my reaction is mine and mine alone. I do not know if that is a good thing or not. I open it up, and to my surprise I am met with the sight of the most beautiful individual I have ever seen. His eyes are big and brown, and his hair matches their vibrant color. His hands are in the pockets of his khaki slacks and his dress shirt is a deep blue that brings out the melanin of his skin and the pinkish color in his cheeks. The moment feels to be in slow motion as I observe the change of his reaction from nervousness to absolute relief. A boxy smile widens on him, showing me his perfect teeth and charming features. I smile back as I am immediately smitten with him, and I pull a strand of hair behind my ear as I morph into soft mush right before him. “Hi, I am the Post-It messenger from across the street,” he says in a deep raspy voice that soothes me. His confidence is somewhat terrifying, yet also very calming as it rubs off on me a bit. “Hi, I’m Y/N,” I say gently, reaching out a hand. His hand embraces mine in a soft squeeze as he smiles politely. It is warm and caresses my skin comfortably. “I’m Taehyung,” he says politely, and the sound melts in my ears like butter.

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After inviting him in and Y/F/N has rushed out as soon as she saw my non-terrifying company, leaving us two alone, I make him a cup of tea. I cannot help but gaze at him as he is sitting at my table, and I try my best to stay composed. I need to remind myself that the -hot water pouring- should stop at some point, before it reaches over the rim of the cup. Luckily, I stop in time. “I hope I didn’t creep you out with my gift,” he says shyly, a soft smile tugging at his lips. I bring over the cup and place it before him as I sit down across from him. “No, not at all. It’s a beautiful painting. I was just surprised to see myself in it,” I chuckle. He smiles back and nods in understanding, imagining how it must feel to be approached by a complete stranger like that. He lifts the cup up to his lips and blows it to cool it down, before he takes a sip of its warmth. “I feel a little awkward about it, but I just thought you were so pretty and calm, sitting out there… and I felt it was necessary to capture that moment somehow,” he explains as he rest the mug on the surface before him. I see admiration in his eyes, which makes me believe I can trust him. I smile and tilt my head, listening to him compliment me in such a polite yet heartful way. I normally feel uncomfortable with people praising me but hearing them roll off of his tongue seems too good to be true. It captures me unapologetically. “Wanna go to the movies with me?” he suddenly asks out of the blue. He reaches up a hand to his collar and pulls the fabric of his dress shirt as he waits for a reply. He shakes his head, grinning at his own forwardness. He seems surprised at his own actions, but not as surprised as when I accept his request.

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I walk up to the counter and Taehyung asks for two tickets. He takes out his wallet, and I pull out mine as well, yet he places a hand on mine, wanting me to put it away. “I’ll pay for my own ticket,” I say kindly. “A gentleman pays for his date’s ticket,” he says cheekily, suggesting that he really wants to. I giggle to myself at the fact that he called me his date, and I feel pleased about it. He pays the man and receives the tickets, handing one over to me, causing our skin to touch. The sensation lingers a few seconds after we part. I step away from the counter and walk closely, feeling his arm next to mine and his hand next to mine. One reach of a finger and we would touch again, which I oddly long for. I might not know him that well, yet I feel as if I do. Like I have known him for years and every look into his eyes and every boxy smile of his brings us closer. Some people just have a way about them, and Taehyung is one of those people. The date carries on as we are watching the movie, sitting next to each other in the dark dimmed room. I wish for him to take my hand or do the yawn-excuse-thing as they always do in movies, but he does not. I do not exactly blame him, since we literally just met, yet I cannot help the thoughts strolling through my mind. Is he not enjoying himself or is he just nervous? I really cannot tell. The movie turns out to be rather awful and we spend the time leaning over and whispering comments into the other’s ear, making each other laugh. People shush us, yet it is very hard not to be loud, when he surprises me with every humorous word and I him. The movie ends against our wishes and I rise up, following behind him as he leads me out. He reaches back a hand to me and I grab on to it, interlocking with him. A rush runs through me, and I try my hardest to hide it as I do not want to seem overly excited. I might manage to keep a straight face, but the smile on his suggests that he is having trouble fighting the obvious attraction. He pulls me through the building and out onto the street, where the sky has turned a deeper blue. It is almost as if it is matching him on purpose. We walk beside each other still with my hand in his, and we talk about how surprisingly funny the movie had turned out to be. I place my opposite hand on his arm and lean slightly against him. I feel him leaning back against me and tilting his head in comfort. We reach my apartment and I turn around towards him. “Thank you,” I say softly. “No, thank you, I had a nice time,” he says back, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He is standing close to me as if a magnet is pulling him in. He watches me intently. “Me too, yet I really meant for the painting. I love it,” I grin, looking up at him into his big brown eyes that seem almost black in this lighting. The mood makes both our expression soften as we study each other’s faces. “I’m glad you do,” he says sincerely. We turn quiet for a moment, sharing the silent space. I start smiling as I look down in shyness, feeling overwhelmed by his presence. Suddenly, I feel his hand as it gently caresses my cheek and pulls my lips up to his. Softly, he leans in and places a kiss on me, making me melt in his embrace. He pulls away far too early, forcing me to replay the moment in my head over and over for the rest of the night. “I’ll look forward to next time,” he says almost in a whisper against my cheek, making my heart flutter. He pulls away and winks at me before making his way down the hall. I step into my apartment in a flustered state, closing the door behind me. I lean against the door and sigh as I indulge in what lingers of him. Fuck, I think to myself, completely amazed by him. I grin at myself as I step further inside, finally sensing my heart return to normal.

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I sit on the balcony once again with my notepad and pen, looking at the sky and the windows of his building. I wonder if he is home and if he sees me sitting here, looking for him. I try not to be too obvious in my search, though it is hard not to look. It is hard not to long for him. I cannot find him in his windows, so I settle for my own company and imagination. I bring the end of the pen to my lips, contemplating on what to write and from where to draw inspiration. All I can think of is him - him and his soft lips and brown eyes and blue dress shirt. Blue like the sky that paints the distance between us and blue like the color of his Post-Its that brought us together. Blue. I look at my poem and decide that it needs a different view. Clicking the pen, I place the tip on the paper, adding more to my previous work.

“Blue is the color of logic, yet why is it only so?

When I see blue, I think of things that you will never know.

I think of the sky and how it carries wonders in the air.

I think of how unlucky the world would be, if blue were never there.

Oops, I told you my thoughts, so I guess it wasn’t true.

Now you know what I truly feel, when I see the color blue”

#bts #btsimagine #imagine #kimtaehyung #bts v #drabble #fluff #artist au #taehyung #taehyung x reader #tae imagine #taetae #kpop #bangtan #bts masterlist #taehyung scenario

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deansmixtape · 6 years

Text

The Twelve Days of Wincestmas

They had decided to forgo their typical gifts this year on Christmas Eve, instead, challenging each other to the 12 days of Christmas challenge. Each day one would gift the other, using the song’s lyrics as inspiration. They were each thoroughly amused to see what the other could come up with.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: A juicy fresh pear pie

Sam had used the last of his precious Harry & David pears, and real butter in the crust. It was flaky, tart and perfect – tender crisp and sweet like apple with a rich salted caramel glaze. Watching Dean take the first mouthful and make a moan of bliss was more than enough satisfaction. But being that he was still a little brother at heart, he waited for the reaction as he turned on the Partridge Family’s Christmas album.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Two chocolate turtles and Dove shampoo

Not exactly healthy chocolates, but the nuts in it earned him a genuine smile from his brother. Dean knew he’d hit a home run when Sam opened the Peach Blast shampoo and closed his eyes though. Sammy loved those fruity, floral, fancy shampoos and Dean figured adding in a week’s worth of scalp massages to their joint shower sessions would help.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Three French Coq au Vin dinners

Well, three Cornish hens anyway. Sam substituted bacon for pancetta because Dean, and used a Burgundy wine paired with fresh cremini mushrooms and an aged Brandy pulled from the library. It wasn’t Julia Child’s – more like Ina Garten and some liberties, but even he enjoyed the meal. Judging by the lack of leftovers and an adoring smile from his brother, they both had.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Four tweets (‘calling birds’)

Oh yeah, Dean felt like he’d totally cheated. Well, it was within the spirit of the challenge, so it fully counted. He set up an account for Sam, then sent out four distinct tweets in Sammy’s honor, @’ing the accounts of True Crime All the Time, National Public Radio, Planet Organic and We Rate Dogs. He had created it under the Men of Letters name, so Sam could continue to use it for research and networking, but those initial tweets had Sam grinning, dimples fully on display.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Five golden onion rings

The onions were supposed to be home-grown from Sam’s patch of garden, however, they hadn’t bloomed quite as Sam had hoped for. He settled for store bought instead, and set about making home-made onion rings for Dean. The standard buttermilk bath was spiced up with a bit of cayenne and a splash of Tabasco, but the real kick came with the dipping sauce where he used horseradish and nutmeg for a savory taste experience. While Dean grilled burgers outside, Sam made the rings, piling them hot and fresh on a platter. Dean’s thumbs up while stuffing his mouth had Sam chuckling as he set about to start another batch.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Six goosedown filled pillows (and comforters)

Dean had counted and double counted. Sammy had six – SIX – pillows on his bed alone. Which was damn peculiar since they tended to both use Dean’s bed with his four pillows. Occasionally Sam would sleep alone – when he was sick (and still Dean came to comfort him), when they were fighting (it happened on occasion) and when he just needed alone time (which Dean took to mean was secret code for no sex tonight.) He had planned on getting them each a complete new comforter and pillow set, of the finest goosedown he could find. They were going to be sleeping in soft, sumptuous heaven, no matter where Sammy’s precious, tousled head touched down.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Seven origami swans

Sam spent the better part of the morning learning how to make the swans, cursing under his breath at his long fingers folding tiny bits of paper this way and that until he had perfected seven delicate swans. He then spray painted them all with a clear coat of acrylic spray paint to make them waterproof. After a hearty lunch of tomato rice soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, Sam suggested a relaxing bath for them both before they spent an afternoon of watching Game of Thrones. He ran an extra hot tub, added some silly bubble bath, and set the swans to float. When Dean joined him, Sam was already naked, welcoming him with open arms for a steamy, sexy bath.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Eight bottles of chocolate milk

Dean had thought long and hard about including some of their previous holiday traditions into the challenge to preserve them, so he looked to the local gas station for day eight. He’d purchased eight bottles of the official drink of their childhood on the road, chocolate Yoo-hoo. They’d learned to love the stuff as it wouldn’t spoil with lack of refrigeration, and it was easy to grab and go without much fuss for two kids who loved chocolate milk. Dean set the bottles to chill in the fridge, and during their movie marathon of Lord of the Rings, broke them out between DVDs to enjoy with some licorice and popcorn.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Nine porn DVDs with dancing ladies

Sam’s cheeks were flushed the brightest pink he thought he could ever imagine. He’d walked into the adult toy store, intent on purchasing the first nine porn DVDs that included dancing of some form, then walking out. Easy peasy. However he found himself being propositioned by the cashier during the slowest checkout imaginable, caught off-guard and completely tongue tied. When he mentioned the movies were for his brother (ok in retrospect maybe not the best answer at the time), the guy had just looked him up and down, smiled the filthiest depraved smile and winked, telling him a threesome with brothers was even hotter. Not that Sam wouldn’t be into it if Dean were, but without Dean by his side, he just stuttered and clumsily made his way out the door.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Ten copies of Lord of the Flies (in various media)

It was a stretch – and a bit excessive, but Dean thought Sam would appreciate the effort and ingenuity given it was one of his top five favorite books. He’d managed to track down Lord of the Flies in several different languages for Sam to read and brush up on his more rusty language skills; Georgian, Basque and Catalan. He found three versions of the film on DVD, and a copy of the stage adaptation. There was a CD of music from the innovative ballet created based on the book as well as a BBC airing of a dramatization broadcast, plus one audiobook. Sam’s stunned (and impressed) face was exactly what Dean had been angling for. Truth be told, the lyrics for day ten were a stumper, but a flash of brilliance had saved the day.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Eleven piping hot cups of coffee

Sam had no qualms about purchasing the very pricey Breville Oracle Touch Espresso Machine. The touch screen allowed for choosing from espresso, americano, latte, cappuccino or flat white, and adjusted the coffee strength, milk temperature, and texture automatically based on the drink choice. Of course, it also made plain ordinary coffee as it ground, dosed and tamped the beans fresh. It was an indulgence to be sure, but they had so little in the way of worldly goods that they treasured and he knew Dean would soon worship at the altar of delicious home brewed goodness in short order. Sam had also signed them up for a year’s worth of deliveries from Bean Box, and he was sure they’d find new favorite roasts in no time.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Twelve ice cream drumsticks

There was no way he was buying Sam a set of drums. So therefore no need for personalized drumsticks. And while the idea of a Caribbean vacation to listen to steel drums play sounded terrific, he knew they’d never leave for such a trip. Plus, flying was a no go, if he had his druthers. Dean was close to picking up a bucket of KFC all drumsticks and calling it good when he laughed and thought better of it. After dinner that night, he pulled out the box of Nestle Drumsticks and surprised Sam with a cone. Sweet licks of ice cream turned naughty quickly, as drips left Sammy sticky and Dean decided to clean him up in the best possible way.

After the twelve days challenge, neither brother would concede defeat – or claim victory. Instead they celebrated each other’s creativity and thoughtfulness with a twelve hour kink marathon in bed. They most definitely did not watch anything on TV and the new pillows and comforter got shoved to the floor during one of their more athletic sessions.

(I’ve enjoyed being your anon - I hope you’ve enjoyed your gifts! <3 sammichgirl )

****

Claps excitedly, oh it was you, sammichgirl! Thank you so much for being my wincestmas anon, I enjoyed everything very very much. This 12 days of Winchester Creativity was impressive, I love all the ideas they came up with for each other.

#wincestmas #12 days of wincest #thanks wincestmasanon!#This Was Awesome!#submission

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riverheadbooks · 7 years

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READER HOROSCOPES FOR AUGUST 2017

Placing bookmarks within the pages of destiny

LEO

Give us a birthday roar, Leo! Don’t be afraid of attracting a little attention -- this is YOUR month, and you’re already turning heads! Your vibe, aura, energy, whatever you want to call it -- it’s off the charts and you’re finding that people are increasingly attracted to your outgoing, vibrant spirit. Put that energy to good use to dive headfirst into those passion projects you’ve been toying with for the past few months! If birthdays are good for anything, they’re for reminding us of how far we’ve come, and how far we have yet to go. Reflect on what you’ve accomplished, and celebrate it! But don’t stop there. You’ve been granted another year, so isn’t it time to make the most of it? That said, the time has come to give yourself a little bit more care and attention. I know this doesn’t come easily to you; you tend to prefer to give rather than take, and feel more comfortable putting others before yourself. Admirable, to be sure, but there are times you need to listen to your intuition, make yourself a priority. You may find yourself in situations where a choice must be made: your happiness, or someone else’s? Draw your inspiration from your lucky book this month, an incredible tale of family ties, and the complications that arise when love is pitted against loyalty. When are our sacrifices worth it? Are some things more important than family, than love? When your allegiances are tested, what holds true? Ultimately, Leo, the choice is always up to you -- and you have another year of wisdom and experience under your belt. Draw from that, and then do your best not to look back.

LUCKY BOOK: Home Fire by Kamila Shamsie

VIRGO

It’s August, Virgo! Your birthday looms ever closer in the horizon, and you know what that means: time for some deep cleaning. What have you attracted in the past year that you know (perhaps only very deep down) it’s time to let go of? What has been dragging you down and stopping you from living your best life? Whatever those things are, this is your time to attack them with a bottle of your most high-powered cleaning spray and the coarsest washrag you own. You know better than anyone, Virgo, the freedom and joy in scrubbing at some hard-packed grit, and clearing it away to reveal the gleaming surface underneath. Half-hearted commitments, projects that have long soured, fake friendships -- these are all areas you can tackle! It can be very difficult, sometimes almost unbearably so, to let go of the old way of seeing or doing things, especially if you’ve become accustomed to certain negative ideas or people to the point that they feel like home, like normal. But that’s no reason to continue clinging to them once you’ve seen the light. The 14-year-old heroine of your lucky book this month learns this lesson in some of most harrowing ways, but her journey to freedom is one you won’t soon forget. Take heart, Virgo, and remember that you are ultimately the master of your own fate. You hold the power -- and the Windex!

LUCKY BOOK: My Absolute Darling by Gabriel Tallent

LIBRA

It’s August, Libra, and rather than succumb to the Sunday blues (it is the Sunday of the calendar year, after all), you’re continuing the summer fun at full throttle. Your current happy place is within a large crowd lately, and lucky for you, we’re still in the heart of music festival season. But there may be more to it than just posing for the street fashion photographers at Lollapalooza and AfroPunk: you genuinely enjoy the sheer excitement and co-mingling of ideas that bubbles from being among a group of creative individuals. Not only are your friends your lifeline this month, offering you constant emotional support and accompanying you on hilarious adventures you can only share on your private blog, but even the strangers you meet may spark some new avenues of creativity you’ve never explored. Follow this impulse to profit from the collective; keep seeking new activities and areas where you can expand. You’re drawing from the most ancient instinct of living things: the compulsion to not only grow, but to change. Each new experience and memory is helping you develop into the person you’re supposed to become, a person markedly different from who you were ten years ago, twenty minutes ago, six months ago. So is it any wonder that your lucky book this month is a fascinating study of the way we think about evolutionary biology? The most minute quirks of DNA mutation can influence an entire species for generations -- pathways that emerge from seemingly nowhere that take life to the completely unexpected places. Every action, every decision you make has an undeniable reverb effect that you may or may not ever discover, so come on, Libra. Let’s see what you’ve got up your sleeve next -- and don’t skimp on the silly group photos, either.

LUCKY BOOK: Improbable Destinies by Jonathan B. Losos

SCORPIO

“I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.” Wise words from the late great Notorious B.I.G., and your mantra for this month, Scorpio! You’re all about that paper in August: you’ve been working hard, building your network, taking professional risks, and now, getting ready to reap the rewards. What form it will take remains to be seen, so don’t count any unhatched chickens. But one thing is clear: your ambition is going to take you far. Perhaps even history books far. Who knows? But while your career continues to soar to meteoric heights, don’t forget about the people who helped you get there: your friends. Female friendships in particular are going to be crucial this month. After all, you can only work but so much, and an unfortunate side effect of putting in major hours at the office is missing out on some quality time with your chosen family. So whenever you can, be sure to make time for some much-needed gossip fests or movie marathons. You need a counterbalance to the stress of the job, and reveling in the love and appreciation of your besties is a surefire way to not lose your mind during this exciting, but admittedly draining time. And who better to draw comfort from, than your fiercest supporters? Of course, if you’re looking for another source of encouragement, maybe the more literary kind, your lucky book this month is a testament to what the human mind can achieve. Not only that, but the myriad effects that innovation that have on society as a whole. From artificial intelligence, to the barcode, to IKEA’s Billy bookcase, there is a backstory to every object you take for granted, and many of them will surprise you. So, Scorpio, now we have to know...what will your backstory be? How will you make your mark on history?

LUCKY BOOK: Fifty Inventions That Shaped the Modern Economy by Tim Harford

SAGITTARIUS

The road goes ever on and on, Sagittarius, and this is your month to experience it firsthand! That stirring you’ve been feeling to get out and explore? Now is when you give in. And let’s be clear: this doesn’t mean you should max out your credit card and fly to the opposite end of the globe, swathing yourself in scratchy fabrics and embarking on a life-threatening quest. It is completely up to you (and your budget) where to go, how to get there, what do to there, and how long to stay. Want to spend a weekend in Nantucket? Wonderful! Want to spend a month in your childhood home? Fantastic! Wherever you go, there you are, so use this time of separation from your usual to become even more in tune with yourself and any spiritual, mental, psychological scores you need to settle. Don’t underestimate the benefits of retreating from the typical trappings of your usual life; even if you don’t venture as far as you’d like to this time, take the time to sit still. Look around. Breathe. Say hello to a stranger. If your journey has taken you abroad, try to learn a few sentences in the local language. And most importantly, find a quiet place and comfy chair to disappear into your lucky book this month: the story of a young boy who has also left his home, but (hopefully) for very different reasons. Chased by dark forces, he is forced to travel across a hot, empty desert plain -- completely alone, until he encounters an old goatherd. Their paths thus intertwined, they must learn the rules of this harsh new country together. A thrilling vacation read, cautionary tale, humbling parable -- let this searing story be whatever you need it to be, while you bask in the unknown of your own brand new corner of the world.

LUCKY BOOK: Out in the Open by Jesús Carrasco

CAPRICORN

Is it warm in here, or is it just me? Oh, wait -- no, it’s just YOU. Cap, there’s really no other way to put it: you’re hot this month, and if no one has begun shooting you some furtive glances, they’re coming. This is your month for smooth seduction, and there’s absolutely no shame in that! Whether it’s an old flame or a new spark, the romantic interludes will be robust and who knows, may lead to something more. Keep your options open, and do yourself a favor? Save the spicy details for your journal. Active as your group text might be, you don’t need to share every encounter with four of your closest friends, not unless you enjoy the nonstop interrogation that is sure to follow! Sometimes keeping some secrets to yourself can make the most benign affair even more exciting, and after all, don’t you deserve some excitement? That said, Cap, don’t completely lose your head in the whirlwind of these new flings -- keep one eye on your finances, too! Finding a much lower bank balance than expected is a surefire way to bring an ecstatic high to a crashing low, so be proactive and maybe decline some of the more extravagant date invitations...unless the other party is treating, of course! Your lucky book this month is a mesmerizing account of a young girl’s mission to learn her mother and grandmother’s history -- a winding journey through truths and half-truths, memories of love, abandonment, betrayal, and new beginnings -- to, in turn, better understand herself. It’s a beautiful, moving testament to the fleeting nature of life, and the lessons we learn in youth that become invaluable to the generations to come. So go ahead, have some fun this month. Hit it while it’s hot.

LUCKY BOOK: I’m Supposed to Protect You from All This by Nadja Spiegelman

AQUARIUS

Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquarius. You’ve been living large and in charge all summer, and it looks incredibly good on you. It seems like you’ve got it all figured out: job, home, friendships, fitness -- you name it, you’ve conquered it. Well, okay, there’s one area that can use some development. You’ve been so focused on getting yourself in order over the past few weeks (or perhaps months!) that you’ve allowed your independence to push away a potential special someone. Maybe someone came to mind just now, maybe not. But this is the month to open up that part of your heart once more: even if you don’t feel ready to enter into anything serious, consider putting some time and effort towards building or re-building something a person who gets you. Sometimes you just need a person to keep you in check, to support your more wacky ideas, to hold your hands before you take major risk. Knowing that someone you care about always has your back can be incredibly freeing -- not necessarily limiting or confining, as you may have been led to believe. As long as the lines of communication are open, the cards are on the table, and you’re both open to each others’ needs, there is no reason that a healthy, successful life cannot include someone you can call a partner -- with as many or as few stipulations or boundaries as you both desire. Your lucky book this month is a spellbinding and unforgettable collection of short stories that will shed a brand new and sometimes discomfiting light on the nature of our relationships, whether romantic, familial, or otherwise. Sometimes entering a world gone slightly topsy-turvy can help us better appreciate our own -- and avoid the mistakes of the characters we come to know and love, even in the space of a few pages.

LUCKY BOOK: What It Means When a Man Falls from the Sky by Lesley Nneka Arimah

PISCES

Rise and shine, Pisces! This month, you’re feeling and looking fantastic -- muscles tightening, blood flowing, skin glowing! No more late nights squinting at your phone; you’re tucking in early to avoid being sluggish the next morning. Midday bag of chips? Not for you -- a brisk walk to get a fresh smoothie has become your new habit. Between your improved diet and consistent gym attendance, you’re right on track to achieve the sort of health goals you once found nearly impossible. And it’s a good thing too, considering how things have picked up at work! You need all your wits about you as you go through these hectic days and late nights, so keep up the good work. We do only get one body, after all, and it’s always in your best interests to keep it healthy and happy. And while we know work is pretty intense right now, you know what they saw about all work and no play, right? Even though it may seem wrong to inject some fun into such a go-go-go month, you need to let your hair down once in awhile and give yourself some time to relax and let loose. So that date you’ve been putting off? Just say yes! Enjoy the attention, show off all that exercise you’ve been doing! If you’re looking for some romantic ideas, might we suggest a homemade dinner date for two? You may be committed to new fit lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean all of your meals should be bland and oat-filled all the time. Your lucky book this month is sure to give you some delicious inspiration for some flavorful meals, as well as general tips and tricks for adding a special touch to your cooking, whether the recipe comes out of a book or not. Bon appetit!

LUCKY BOOK: The Art of Flavor by Daniel Patterson and Mandy Aftel

ARIES

Beautiful Aries! This month is YOUR TIME. Your confidence is through the roof right now -- or if it isn’t it should be! You’re turning heads left and right, friends and acquaintances alike are clamoring for your attention, and the dating prospects aren’t looking too shabby either! Basically, you’re totally owning it this month, and we couldn’t be more happy for you. As summer winds to a close, take full advantage of these final few weeks: enjoy a vacation day or two, bask in the sunshine, sip some frozé with a group of friends at noon. In other words, live!!! Enjoy it; life is fleeting anyway! Of course, a word of caution: no matter how amazing you look and feel, using the world as your red carpet can have its drawbacks. Keep a tight grip on your wallet, and be careful of what you post on social media. Money is not everlasting, but that regrettable photo from 4 AM absolutely is! Leave the tabloid-worthy blunders to the celebrities, and recognize when it’s time to leave the party. Speaking of, your lucky book this month will be right up your alley: a whip-smart, hilarious deep dive into the world of celebrity culture, what feeds our obsession, and what effect internet fame has on our culture at large. Walk like the street is your red carpet -- and then enjoy cozying up in bed with this book, comforted by the fact that there isn’t paparazzi just outside your door.

LUCKY BOOK: The Stars in Our Eyes by Julie Klam

TAURUS

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being a homebody, Taurus. This month, you’re really into the warmth and comfort (or should we say air conditioning and comfort?) that comes from being safely ensconced at home, surrounded by your books, blankets, and favorite snacks. Maybe you’re finally get around to that deep cleaning you’ve been saying you’d undertake since the beginning of May, or there’s a room that’s just dying for a fresh coat of bright new paint. Or maybe the time has come to say farewell to your current place entirely, and try to find some digs. However you slice it, your priority this month is taking care of your sacred space, and reevaluating what the significance of that space means for you. It is a place of solitude and meditation, where you can escape the endless grind of the outside world? Is it a fortress for you and your closest loved one, where you can all be your unapologetic selves? Is it simply a place of refuge, where you can rest assured that in this tiny corner of the universe, you are safe, independent, and in control? You may find that you have much in common with the protagonist of your lucky book this month, a fiercely opinionated young woman who is on a quest to find a place she can rely on as home. Trapped in that infuriating liminal space between cultures, between countries, and does her best to carve for herself, everywhere she goes, a place that rests entirely under her control, a place where she can feel, even in miniature, that she is in a safe, familiar place. It’s a stunning tale that will put into sharp perspective one of the most pressing human rights issues of our time -- pick it up whenever you feel yourself getting a little bit too serious about paint swatches.

LUCKY BOOK: Refuge by Dina Nayeri

GEMINI

Gemini, what’s good? You haven’t had the best few weeks, but it’s a month, a new day, and life is going to have to come a little harder than that to keep you down. Luckily, this month you’re all about that extra support: partnerships and close friendships are where you’ll thrive, and it won’t feel too crowded, or like a betrayal of your own independence -- we promise. The key is to make sure the people you choose to surround yourself with add a special something that you wouldn’t be able to find elsewhere. Who makes you feel like your best self? Your most capable self? Your most ambitious self? Who lights that creative fire? Understand that while self-sufficiency is important, and your reliance on your own wisdom and wits is one of your best attributes, it can never hurt to solicit input and guidance from someone who can push you to aim even higher, and vice versa! So put yourself out there, be proactive. You can’t expect everything to come to you. Your lucky book this month is a short, trippy examination of race and class that follows a most unusual character in her quest for authenticity. Like you, she wonders who she really is, who she wants to be, and how -- or who -- can help her become that person? While you will undoubtedly avoid some of the more absurd situation she finds herself in, there is much to learn from her internal dialogue as she fumbles for ‘realness.’ Find your person (or people!), Gemini, but don’t lose sight of yourself in the process. You’re smarter and more resourceful than you know. Remember that!

LUCKY BOOK: New People by Danzy Senna

CANCER

Up and at'em, Cancer! You’ve had a leisurely summer, laying back and enjoying the ocean breeze, marathoning your summer shows and sampling mimosas at every brunch spot in town. We don’t begrudge you living the unbothered life to the fullest, but alas, it truly isn’t a party if it happens every night. And unfortunately, it’s time for the party to end -- for the time being. But you were sort of ready to kick it back into high gear anyway, weren’t you? You have a bit too much active energy to spend the rest of the summer whiling away the hours fruitlessly. This doesn’t mean you should throw all of your effort into the first opportunity that presents itself: be forward-thinking, but strategic. Know what you want, and then go after it. Get your feet wet at a few mixers and networking events so you can get some inside scoop on what’s for grabs, who to know, where to show up and show out. So go on, have at it! Dust off that resume, iron that button down. It’s time to start getting yourself back into the game. We understand that the transition back to the real world may be jarring, but you’re not a delicate flower; you can take a bit of unease and horror in your downtime literature. Your lucky book this month is a haunting short story collection that will raise the hair on your arms in the very best way. Both love story and cautionary way, it’s the absolute best selection for this month, when you need to be kept on your toes -- although we highly recommend not saving this one to read right before bed.

LUCKY BOOK: Fever Dream by Samanta Schweblin

#riverhead #riverhead books #horoscope #reader horoscope #readerscope #astrology #zodiac #leo #leo season #august horoscope #books #book recs #summer reads #fiction #nonfiction #memoir

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payment-providers · 7 years

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New Post has been published on Payment-Providers.com

New Post has been published on https://payment-providers.com/the-week-in-very-weird-commerce/

The Week In Very Weird Commerce

Among many other subjects, the late, great Hunter S. Thompson was one of the world’s foremost experts on weirdness of all kinds. One of our favorite — and more often quoted — observations from Dr. Gonzo on the subject is a good catch-all for when it seems the world is not making sense:

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn professional.”

But this week we actually have another favorite in mind — from later in Thompson’s career:

“It never got weird enough for me.”

Given the amount of mayhem and chaos Thompson personally took credit for causing, that admission alone is fairly shocking. It may be the case that there was no amount of weirdness that would have been enough for Hunter S. Thompson.

However, the last few weeks of action in payments and commerce has convenience of a plausible other explanation: He didn’t live long enough to see retail reinvention in the digital age.

In the face of infinitely informed consumers, Amazon being everywhere and consumers wanting to be able to buy everything everywhere whenever they feel like it — well, things have gotten more than tough for retailers: they’ve just gotten plain weird. Everyone wants to build the best consumer experience. Ideas for how to concretely do that, other than getting a job at Amazon, are few and far between.

So the weird have gone pro and out-of-the-box thinking abounds. Some of it works; disruptive innovation depends on thinking a little bit differently. Some of it, however, does not — because there is such a thing as too different.

For example…

Dirty Clothes Are the New Black?

Okay, before we dig into what might be Nordstrom’s worst fashion faux pas ever, we want to note that bad ideas about blue jeans have abounded this year.

Expensive bad ideas.

Barney’s is selling “inside-out jeans” for nearly $1,000, and Levi’s is selling what it calls “bare-butt” jeans for $1,260. We’d include a picture, but this is a family publication. Suffice to say, bare-butt jeans are exactly what they sound like.

We also want to note that distressed jeans are not a new idea. Ripped jeans were the height of style in the 1990s, and there is a good reason for that. They are totally awesome.

But ripped and filthy are not the same things — a distinction someone failed to explain to Nordstrom before they started selling actual mud-encrusted jeans on their website for the consumer who wants to look like they fought a hobo for their pants.

And who wants to spend a lot of money doing it, because the jeans cost $425.

According to Nordstrom’s description, the jeans are:

“Heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit, embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.”

That description has the dual benefits of being silly-sounding — and also totally false. If one were not afraid to get down and dirty, they would not buy a pair of pre-soiled $425 jeans. They would buy $25 jeans at Walmart and then go and actually get down and dirty.

And this story gets funnier in at last two regards. Nordstrom may have failed to boost buzz for their edgy merchandise with the run of dirty jeans, but they did manage to give Reebok a bit of a boost. A day or so after the various stories about the soiled designer jeans made the rounds, Reebok began advertising their own parodic version of the jeans: a pre-sweated t-shirt.

The better punchline? Amazon still undercut them on price. The same jeans can be had for $99-$202 and arrive at your door in two days.

So that one didn’t work — but not all kinds of gross products are a bad idea, per say…

The Unicorn Frappuccino — Because Tasting Good Isn’t Everything

By now you’ve seen the picture: pink, blue, iridescent and sparkly — the Unicorn Frappuccino looked something like a Lava Lamp you can drink.

Well, you can drink it if you have a taste for a beverage that was described at times as “disgustingly sweet,” “unnatural in all ways,” and reminiscent of “the taste of sour birthday cake and shame.”

How does one achieve the look of a lava lamp and the taste of shame? According to Starbucks, the drink is “made with a sweet dusting of pink powder blended into a crème Frappuccino with mango syrup, and layered with a pleasantly sour blue powder topping,” according to a news release. It changes colors from purple to pink when you stir in “swirls of blue.”

Pink is not a flavor. Blue is not a flavor.

They are colors.

And, according to most people who drank it, they are not tasty colors. It is notable that the Unicorn Frappuccino was released on 4/20 — an unofficial holiday for stoned people with the munchies, and even they didn’t think it tasted good.

But then, taste was not the primary concern at The Washington Post.

“This drink exists only to be Instagrammed, hashtag unicorn emoji, hashtag magical.”

And magical it was — particularly for Starbucks’ bottom line. The drink was so popular it often sold out, and baristas took to social media tearfully begging people to stop ordering it.

There will likely be more.

“Just stay tuned, because we have a lot more coming,” former CEO Howard Shultz said during an earnings conference call Thursday.

Schultz said that the pink-and-blue drink drove significant traffic to chains during its limited run, and noted that said sales will be more apparent in the company’s Q3 results. These sales will likely be seen in the company’s fiscal third-quarter earnings.

And where there is success, there is repetition.

“We will bring at least one … entirely new drink into Happy Hour this year that is going to be as good as Unicorn or better,” Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson said, referring to the chain’s coming-soon promotion of half-priced fraps to customers from 3:00 pm to 5:00 pm.

Pray for the baristas.

And finally…

Robot Dog Deliveries (From Your Childhood Nightmares)

Dogs have a long history delivering things, as fetch is one of their favorite things to do. So in some sense, it is not surprising that the team at Boston Dynamics chose a dog to be their robotic delivery beast.

And “Spot,” is out there, programmed to deliver packages to consumers’ front doors.

Spot is Boston Dynamics’ attempt to branch out some — since before being bought by Google, its robots were largely funded by military contracts. But these days, Marc Raibert says the company has been testing how it can put its robots to work in more marketable ways.

During a recent talk at TED 2017, Raibert showed a video of Spot delivering a package strapped to its back to someone’s front door.

“We’ve been taking our robot to our employees’ homes to see whether we could get in the various access ways,” said Raibert onstage at TED. “We’re doing very well — about 70 percent of the way.”

So will it work?

Well, we think they may have a small problem.

This is what a dog looks like:

This is what Spot looks like:

We suspect if you show an average consumer a picture of Spot and ask if it is

A. A Dog

B. A Delivery Robot

C. A prototype of the xenomorph being used in the Alien prequel due out in theaters later this year

D. Something they’d never want to see at their front door

No one would say A, and no one who didn’t work for Boston Dynamics would say B.

We’re not experts — we’re just saying that in the early days of robotic delivery, when people are already a little nervous, it’s probably best not to send anything to customers’ doors that could be mistaken for a movie monster come to life. No matter what it is delivering, even odds someone is going to try to kill it with fire.

The lesson this week? Weird can work — tie-dye beverages can bring a people together, even if they don’t actually taste good. Or weird can fail — by being too gross to be edgy, or too scary to expose the public too.

And, of course, weird is transitory — for all we know, a year from now Spot will be delivering all our Day-Glo Frappuccinos, though we prefer to believe the mud-caked jeans thing isn’t going to catch on.

But we could be wrong. After all, area expert on weirdness Hunter S. Thompson also famously noted:

“Yesterday’s weirdness is tomorrow’s reason why.”

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