#ive wiped more than enough of your fucking tears for a lifetime. seriously go fuck yourself
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losing and feeling
(a/n: knsjdgskgja okay here’s my first public fic i guess, i wrote this at two in the morning because i was feeling sad so... this happened i guess. it’s originally self-indulgent so some of it might not fit your ideals and i’m sorry about that, lol! anyways hope you enjoy!)
KEY: (y/n): your name | (y/l/n): your last name
WORD COUNT: 3,269 words
PAIRINGS: bakugou katsuki x fem!reader
SUMMARY: bakugou katsuki wanted to have a lifetime of memories with you, so how is he supposed to deal with it being cut short?
WARNINGS: angst, swearing obviously it’s bakugou
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weak in the knees. i couldn’t see through the blur of tears, i couldn’t hear through the gut wrenching sobs of my friends. the screaming. the screaming wouldn’t stop.
“you have funny hair!” her eyes made me restrain myself from shouting at her. they were so beautiful, i got lost in them immediately.
“(y/n), sweetie, that’s not a nice thing to say! i’m sorry honey,” the girl’s mother sounds tired.
this couldn’t be happening. i think i was the one screaming, but i couldn’t tell. i couldn’t hear my own voice.
“you still have stupid hair.” (y/n)’s eyes are still so beautiful. i stared at her, feeling my glare soften without wanting it to. she just did that to me, softening me until i didn’t know what it felt like to be anything but happy when i was around her.
i felt someone’s hands on my shoulders but i felt so numb that it didn’t register. everything was so loud. everything was so dark.
“i need to tell you something.” (y/n) was standing in front of me, her hands stuffed in her pockets. she was nervous, i could tell, but i wasn’t really aware of it as i tried to distract myself from the butterflies in my stomach.
“oi, fucking say it then.” i grumbled in response.
“i really like you, bakugou. like, as more than a friend.”
“i - huh?”
“i really fucking like you!” she shouted. her voice cracked. “like i want to date you. i’m sorry if i’ve fucked up our friendship, i just thought -”
“i like you too,” i managed, saying it out loud for the first time. the words rang through my head as i realized how true they were. the feelings i had been trying to hide from all this time, defined by a few simple fucking words.
“oh! oh. wait, seriously?”
“yes, idiot. jesus.” i flushed really hard as she slipped her arms around me and pulled me in close, kissing me softly for the first time.
------
“katsuki?”
she was mostly asleep, wrapped in my arms. i had my face buried in her hair because i liked the smell of her shampoo. she was pressed against my chest and her voice came out muffled. i had one of my hands under her shirt to draw shapes on her bare back, because i liked to be touching her.
“yeah (y/n).”
“i lied. i really like your hair.”
i couldn’t control the smile that lit up across my face. i hated how incredibly soft this fucking girl had turned me. i probably looked like an idiot, grinning widely all because she said ‘i like your hair.’
“i love you.” i whispered, hugging her tighter. then i realized what i had just said. the first time i ever told my girlfriend i loved her, and it was this. all because of this domestic bliss that had overtaken my life.
“i love you more.” (y/n) sighed, and i felt her breathing even out as she fell asleep. fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck. i was so in love with her.
------
“tell me the truth!” her voice was cracked, strained from the screaming. her eyes were puffy from crying. it hurt me so much to look at her so upset, to know it was my fault. “tell me why you keep doing this shit, katsu!”
“we should break up.” i blurted, my voice loud. it cut through her panicked rambling. i watched all the emotion drop off her face. (y/n) just stared at me. hiding again. i could see all the pain in her eyes, and it cracked me open.
“fine.” she whispered. “fine. do whatever the fuck you want. goodbye, bakugou.”
watching her leave, hearing the door close behind her made my heart break. the emotions, the walls she had broken down, started to put themselves back. i stumbled to my bed, numb and emotional. i had done it because i wasn’t good enough. i couldn’t support her. i wasn’t affectionate enough. she needed a certain level of affirmation and love from someone, and i couldn’t give it to her.
i cried.
------
tension built up in my stomach, like stoking a fire, every time i saw her. she purposefully made me jealous, i knew it. when she would play with deku’s hair or flirt with todoroki or poke kirishima’s muscles i had to look away and try not to scream.
but this was it. this was the last straw. she hugged him, deku, the way she only hugged me, so i left, my hands shoved in my pockets, ignoring the tears running down my cheeks.
“can i talk to you?”
i stopped, not needing to turn to know it was (y/n). she sounded upset, but then again when was she not upset?
“fuck off,” i grumbled.
“you’re the piece of shit who broke up with me, bakugou. i think you can listen to me for a few minutes.”
i wiped desperately at my face, trying to get rid of the tear tracks. i turned to look at her, meeting her eyes, and the fury written on her face was immediately replaced by panic.
“hey, are you crying? you never cry. what’s wrong?” she cupped my cheeks, catching the tears that would not fucking stop falling. why the fuck would they not stop?
“yes, i’m fucking fine.” i tried to sound as threatening or harsh as usual, but it was hard to do when she was holding me again for the first time in months and i was fucking crying.
“tell me what’s wrong.” (y/n) begged, swiping at the hot spots where my tears congregated with her thumbs.
“this,” i breathed. “this is what’s fucking wrong. because i still fucking want you, more than i’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life.”
“so why did you break up with me?” (y/n) asked, searching my eyes.
“because i’m not good enough for you. i can’t give you the physical affection and emotional connection you need, because i’m just a self centred piece of shit who can barely deal with my own emotions! especially the fact that i’m terrifyingly in love with you. you are my only fucking weakness, (y/n). i can’t - i don’t fucking know.” i said it all very fast. the things i had bottled up for weeks when we were dating and after spilled out like a dam finally breaking.
“bakugou katsuki!” she cried. “why the shit would you not tell me these things? how long have you been keeping all of this in?”
“months.” i sighed.
“katsuki,” i heard the shake in her voice. she was about to start crying. “you can’t keep these things to yourself, it’s not healthy! i - i love you so much, no matter how much of an idiot you can be. and i - look, i know i need a lot of reassurance, and physical affection, but you just sitting next to me counts as both of those. little touches, your hand on my back, letting me lean on your shoulder, those are reassuring as well as touching. you gave me everything i wanted and needed. losing you was hard as fuck on me, so i was overly touchy with everyone i saw.”
“is that why you hugged deku like that?” i croaked.
“yeah. yes. i’m sorry. i just missed feeling your chin on top of my head - it was so protective. made me feel safe.” she mumbled.
i let my self-control tumble away. i had built it up all these months without her, because it felt like dangling off a cliff with my little finger everytime she was looking up at me, even with angry eyes.
i wrapped my arms around her, pulling her in for a tight hug, letting the smell of her perfume come back to me. she was shaking with tears as i held her.
“i love you,” i grumbled. “i love you, i’m so fucking sorry, princess.”
“i love you more.”
“i love you most.”
black is a depressing colour. (y/n) had once said it made me look even paler, making my eyes and hair stand out more. but she also liked me in a suit. i felt the sad smile drift back across my face as i stared at the tux she had made me buy.
the funeral was next week. (y/n) had passed away a full month ago.
the days had passed like molasses. when the words were spoken, when i heard her shout how much she loved me at the top of her lungs, i knew she wouldn’t be coming back. two hours later i found her, and sobbed over her body. she was gone then, and i felt all the tears i had held in for most of my life come spilling out. i cried for so long and so much that i passed out from dehydration and lost my voice. i ended up in the hospital with an iv hooked up to me. i remember kirishima whispering that they couldn’t deal with losing me too.
at first, i spent my days wrapped up in my bed, wearing the hoodie she stole from me, the one she always washed with her laundry detergent. it still smelled like her, and i sobbed my heart out.
eventually, i went completely numb. i sat on the couch, flipping through the television channels. i accidentally ended up on a memorial for her, showing an interview she had done once, after a huge rescue. i was standing next to her, and i was looking at her with an embarrassing amount of love. that was the night i proposed to her.
sometimes i wondered if her death was faked. it was a (y/n) thing to do, and she had been threatened by a high level villain. it would be a great way to get him off her back.
i had dreams about her coming home, telling me it had all been a ruse to save her life and would’ve put me at risk if i’d known. then i would gather her in my arms and sob against her shoulder while she assured me she wasn’t going anywhere.
those dreams never came true.
“i don’t really want a big wedding,” she mumbled, pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes.
“you okay, my love?” i asked, leaning over her shoulders.
“hmm? sorry, yeah. i just - it’s not about you or anything, i just still don’t know if i want to get married. i’ve seen so many examples of bad marriage. it’s just a piece of paper.” she sighed, tilting her head back so she was looking up at me. i snuck a kiss before she shoved me off her, laughing.
“well, fuck them.” i crossed my arms. “they clearly never loved anyone as much as i’m in love with you, idiot. you couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”
“but no kids.” (y/n) held up a pointed finger at me.
“no kids,” i held my hands up in surrender.
“yes dog.”
“yes dog.”
“i love you,” she smiled, her big wide smile that always made my heart race.
“you know i love you, stupid.” i reminded her, pulling her to her feet, and hugging her tightly.
someone gave me back the ring i’d given (y/n). it hadn’t been a big engagement ring or anything, just a pretty carved band that she always wore on a chain or on her finger. when they gave it back to me, i cried again.
we never got married.
“we just can’t agree on the fucking date!” she groaned.
“i’m sorry. i just don’t know why you want to get married in august. it’s hot as shit and i don’t want to deal with that!”
“but december, katsuki? fucking december? that’s like, my least favourite month! plus, we’d have to compete with christmas and new years.”
“well what are we supposed to do?”
“may?”
“may?” i blinked.
“yeah. spring is pretty too. and it’s not super hot either.”
i sighed, pausing to think about it. “may it is.” i whispered, and a smile glowed on her face.
“i love you!” she tackled me in a hug, covering my face in kisses.
“stop! personal space, shitty woman!” i shouted, laughing as she did it. i slipped my hands to her waist and pulled her against me, which stopped her.
“i love you more.” i whispered.
“i love you most,” she grinned.
i spoke at the funeral, of course. i kept it as short as i could so i wouldn’t cry in front of them. i listened to ashido and midoriya talk about (y/n), and to her mom speak about her best memories through tears. i felt numb.
about two months after her funeral, kirishima asked me why i never went to see her tombstone. i said it was because i didn’t fucking want to, but in reality it was because i was scared. i was scared to see her name on that stone and know she was gone. there was no coming back from that.
my therapist, who i was forced to see but i also went to because i needed someone to talk to, told me i should probably go, because i was living in this stupid place of hope, believing she might come back.
i sat in my car in the parking lot of the cemetery. i knew where (y/n)’s headstone was, but i was scared to go look at it. i was listening to the music filter through the radio.
“i like this song, katsu.” (y/n) was leaning over me, her hair falling in front of my face like a waterfall.
“so? what’s it to me?” i scoffed.
“get up! we’re gonna dance.”
“we’re gonna what?” i asked, standing up and following her. she turned the volume up on the speakers, and reached for me.
“we’re gonna dance!” she exclaimed. i sighed, giving in easily. i could’ve held my ground, but she was so beautiful i couldn’t think straight.
i circled my arms around her waist, and she intertwined her fingers behind my neck. we swayed slowly, side to side. i admired every inch of her face.
“what?” she grinned. “see something you like?”
“obviously. that’s why i proposed, stupid.” i grumbled.
she blushed, and i smiled. i liked knowing i could still make her flustered sometimes. i pulled her closer, resting my chin on top of her head, and she leaned her head on my chest.
we swayed some more, and i listened to the music and felt her breathe.
“thank you. for being my hero.” she breathed.
i closed my eyes, this time relishing in the grin that spread across my lips.
i locked the car doors as i walked towards the hill where the willow tree she always pointed out when we drove past was planted. i pushed my hands deeper in my pockets as i felt the nerves bubble in my stomach.
i was looking at a piece of stone, and it shouldn’t have made me cry.
but it was my last name. not (y/l/n). bakugou was written on her tombstone. i felt my knees weaken and i dropped to the ground, heaving with sobs as i wrapped my arms around myself.
“you’re so against tradition. are you going to take my name?” i asked.
“do you want me to?” (y/n) tilted her head to the side, searching my eyes.
“yes.” i said honestly.
“then of course i will. i’ll take your last name.” she smiled. “i’d love to be a bakugou, katsuki. because i love you.”
i reached out to touch her hand across the table. she intertwined our fingers, glancing back down at her mission briefing.
it took a long time for me to clear my vision. when i did, i took a while to sit in silence, reading her tombstone over and over.
“i miss you.” i said out loud. i almost flinched at the sound of my own voice, but once the words were out of my mouth, it all came out.
“these - months without you have felt empty. i miss falling asleep next to you, or having you beg me to make dinner because i’m the only one who can cook. i miss you forcing me to do shitty things that i was scared to do on my own.” i wiped aggressively at my eyes.
“this is so fucking stupid. fucking - i wish it had been me, sometimes. but then i think that it would be you, sitting here alone. crying. it would’ve been worse. but i can’t fucking do this, princess. i can’t do this without you.” i glanced up at the sky. i had never felt more weak in my whole life. so empty. there was a physical piece of myself missing without her, and there was nothing that could replace it.
“i never got to see your dress.” i clenched my hands into tight fists. “your beautiful wedding dress… i remember the look on your face when you came home with it. ‘if we’re gonna do this, we’re doing it right’ you said. so that meant i didn’t get to see your dress until i watched you walk towards me.”
“i feel like this is my fault. if i had taken the patrol route that night, instead of you, you might still be here. i might be married to you by now.” i had to squeeze my eyes shut to try and suppress the tears again. “i fucking hate this. i fucking hate that i can’t fucking do anything! i promised i’d always protect you. i promised i would be your hero. i fucking love you! i’m so sorry i couldn’t save you, (y/n)… i’m so fucking sorry!” i choked on my sobs, covering my face with my hands.
“why do you always hide your face when you cry?” (y/n) asked softly. “you don’t need to pretend you don’t feel things, baby. you’re the love of my life. let yourself feel your emotions.”
“i have to be strong.” i told her, keeping my voice as angry as possible. “i have to.”
“why?” she asked bluntly. “what valid reason do you have to force yourself to be emotionless and strong all the time?”
i didn’t have a response for her. i stared into her eyes and just waited. for her to tell me why that was wrong, why i should be letting myself feel.
instead she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me against her the way i did to her when she cried. i let myself be comforted by her, just this once. her hands ran down my back in a calming motion.
“i can’t really get mad at you for it.” (y/n) sighed. “i do it too.”
i glanced at her, holding her gaze as she wiped my tears away. “but you don’t have to hide from me, katsuki. i promise.”
the nightmares varied after that. she was really gone, i guess, and once that settled in i managed to force myself back up in the morning to train. things fell back into place, as i trained harder, fought harder. i was determined to not let anyone die the same way (y/n) had.
and she never came back. i never fell in love again, because i was so scared that i wouldn’t be able to protect them again. i let myself hide behind my emotional barriers again, the ones she had broken down, and i stayed there.
#bakugou x reader#katsuki x reader#bnha x reader#bakugou angst#bakugou fluff#bakugou katsuki x reader#bnha imagines#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#fanfic#bnha fluff#one shot#mha fanfiction#mha#mha imagines#angst#x reader#reader#reader insert#writing#fanfiction#female reader#this made me emotional#and heather emotional#drabble#short story#you#katsuki bakugo x reader#katsuki fluff#katsuki angst
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.1
I look at my phone, a text from Grace reads “I’ll be there in 15.” That was an hour ago. I toss it onto the ottoman, and exhale. She’s always late. In Grace time, fifteen minutes could mean, “Sorry there was traffic and by the time it cleared up it was late so I went home.” Which I know is bull because Grace hardly ever goes home anymore. We’ve been best friends since pre-k. I’m one of those lucky ones who has had a friend all throughout elementary school, and middle school and now high school, and we’ve been through absolutely everything you could possibly think of together. We really have done so much together, which is why I’m terrified to lose Grace to those people she calls friends, because we still have so much to experience. The relationship she has with them is toxic. They have done nothing but turn her into a shell of the Grace she was before she got into the drinking and the drugs. How after school special is my life? When people look at our relationship they think I’m the strong one, the rock, the backbone of our crazy pairing but nobody knows how much I need Grace in my life. Sometimes I think Grace knows and then other times, I don’t even know if she’s conscious. The lights of Grace’s Camry flood my living room. She knocks on the door and I open it mid knock. She snickers and stumbles into the dining room, my heart sinks. Her face was covered in a whitish powder. I prayed at that moment that maybe, just maybe, she had previously been baking and forgot to check in the mirror.
“COCAINE, WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET COCAINE?”
She just put her finger to my mouth and said, “Shh”, and continued to laugh. She plopped down onto the couch and grabbed the remote.
“So girly, whatcha watchin’?” “OH MY GOD AND YOU DROVE HERE, DEAR GOD, OH THIS IS JUST”- and then she was up, rummaging through the pantry, “Where do ya’ll keep those little dip’n sticks with the nutella ?”
I take a deep breath and try to “We’re out, Grace.” “Dang, my sweet tooth is aching right now.”
“Here have some Oreos,” handing her the pack I was just devouring.
She gleefully accepts them, “Can I have some milk ?”
I reluctantly comply with her wish, shuffling to the kitchen to retrieve the milk. When i come back into the living, Grace’s eyes are just beginning to roll into the back of her head and her breathing pace is rapidly increasing.
I immediately grab my keys and then wrestle Grace onto my shoulders. She’s been doing drugs for a while now, usually molly and acid, so I’ve sometimes seen her experience a bad trip. More than fear or anxiety I feel angry. I feel the most profound anger as I push a slurring and drooling Grace into my backseat and prepare to take her to the hospital, again.
I start the engine and pull out out of the driveway, pausing to rest my head on the wheel. I turn around to look at Grace slumped over .
“What in the hell is wrong with you?”
I pass the dark empty playground and the high school where we’d both been hours before. I turned onto Cashua dr. and the world lights up, the street is illuminated by the neon signs in the local pizza joint’s window, the Krispy Kreme sign and every other shop or restaurant on the strip.
I pushed down hard on the gas and the world was dark again. The roads were surprisingly empty for a Friday night, everybody’s probably at a house party or on a date, or doing absolutely nothing, but I seriously doubt any single person is carting their druggie best friend to the ER. The emergency room sign glows red in my peripheral. I park and check to see if she is still unconscious. I sprint to the desk attendant and I am greeted by a waiting area that is so white it’s almost blinding. “Um, my friend here has apparently been doing cocaine, so can you guys do your thing and not let her OD tonight?” She dials some number and two nurses soon come around the corner with a stretcher. I take them to my car and after Grace is wheeled away I’m handed a clipboard. I really don’t know what do do with the paper work, “Can I wait until her mother gets here so she can do this?”
“Sure honey.”
My head hurts, my stomach hurts, why is this happening? I know Grace has been having problems for a while, I thought it was just a small thing, I should have known better than to believe that. Ugh. My stomach is in knots, I walk to the vending machines scanning the buttons for a ginger ale. I drop in the coins and the tinks and ker-plunks echo down the corridor. As I wait for my drink to dispense itself, I lay my head against the front of the machine and the vibration hums throughout my body. I take a sip and it tingles all the way down. I feel it calming my gurgling insides. I pull out my phone and call Caleb.
“Hey Win, whatsup?”
“Its Grace, she came to my house high on cocaine.”
The line is silent. Caleb sighs, “Where do you even”-
“I know that’s what I said.”
He sighs heavier this time, “I think that its,”-
“Yea, me too,”
“Okay I’ll call my mom, you call yours.”
“Yea okay see you soon.”
“Bye.”
I slump down in the chair, sliding on the pleather, and hold the cold can to my forehead, closing my eyes. I open them again and look at the map of the hospital on the wall. The pediatric wing is in yellow, so bright actually it kind of burns. I smile because it reminds me of the time in fourth grade when I had appendicitis and I got to miss school to stay in the hospital and how Grace wouldn’t have it. She cried when visiting hours were over, so her parents let her stay and spend the night in the room with me. I’m not sure if it was because she would genuinely miss me for those 7 hours or if she was just a little bit jealous, not that she ever showed an inkling of the latter. We’d had slumber parties before but never in a hospital, she braided my kinky, unmanageable hair and I painted her nails, we literally did the same thing at our regular sleepovers but the fact that we were in a hospital had made it a whole new ordeal.
“Winifred, Winnie honey, wake up.”
I jolted upright in my seat. My mother’s worried eyes gazed down at me, I looked to my left and Caleb was consoling Mrs. Devin. My eyes pricked, and I could feel the tears beginning to brim over. What kind of friend was I, letting Grace poison herself and not telling a soul?
“I’m really sorry,” I walked over to my “other” mom picking at my nails “I just didn’t know what to do.”
Nobody knows what to do when their smart, and kind and beautiful best friend starts abusing every drug in the dictionary, especially when you’re a 17 year old honors student, you hear of stories like this on Lifetime movies, you don’t live it. She opened her arms and hugged me tightly, “It’ll be okay.” she whispered. Just then the doctor walked in. Clearing his throat, “Shortly after Grace was omitted we were about to administer a sedative, when she went into sudden cardiac arrest. Thankfully she was already in the care of trained medical professionals, we have moved her but you can come on in and see her now.”
I walked into Grace’s room. She had a couple of IVs in her arm and she looked like she was sleeping. I pulled a chair beside her bed and sat down.
“Grace, can you hear me?”
“Mhm.”
“Look at me.”
The stiff white pillowcase rustled under her messy hair.
“What,” she said hoarsely, but not hoarse enough for me not to catch the bite at the end.
“Don’t do that, don’t even.”
“No Winnie, I think I will, because you just ruined my life.”
“I’m gonna chalk that up to the drugs so I don’t knock you the hell out. Grace you ruined your own life and almost lost it today. I don’t think you-”
“NO,” she choked out, you don’t understand. Now that my mom knows about everything I’ll be grounded forever. What happened to having my back?”
I looked at the EKG. Her heartbeat was steady.
I lunged out of my chair and slapped her hard across the face. I grabbed her arm and held my face inches from hers so she could see my bloodshot eyes and the tears starting to spill.
I swallowed my sobs, “Grace, you’re so fucking screwed up. You almost died, you almost left your mom and Caleb and me. What about having MY back.”
Her petrified stare was the hint that I was starting to get through to her.
“You’re a goddamn fool Grace. All the crap you have done. Levels to this.”
She stammered, searching for words. I cut her off. I had long gone stopped trying to hold back my tears
“I was so scared Grace. I had to tell your mom I knew you had been doing this stuff for years. I can only imagine the anger...”
Tears were streaming down Grace’s face. I wiped her sullen cheeks, one with a faint red glow.
“It’s okay Grace, you’re okay now. When our family comes in here you are going to tell them you want to go to rehab, okay? That you want to get better and that you never want to do drugs again, okay?
“Okay.”
“Okay,” I sighed and called them in from the hallway.
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