#ive literally seen all of this. im not making it up. im not talking about just in general im talking this has happened to me personally
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Angel - Paige bueckers
part 3
• summary {when an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star}
• warnings {drug use, angst}
• comment if you would like to be added to the taglist
bella’s pov
“ok you can go now” she says, emotionless
“oh”
“i mean, no offence but i have a girl coming soon, so you cant be here” she says laying on her back, breaking our eye contact
i don’t respond and put my clothes back on. this is fucked
“have a nice night”
i haven’t cried this much in months, walking through the halls, ugly crying.
‘paige’ has been blocked by ‘bella’
“bella whats wrong” avery says, empathetically
“i hate her, i hate her so much” i cry, barley being able to choke the words out
i look at avery after my response and i have never seen her that angry, there could fully be steam coming from her ears.
“please dont talk to her, please dont hurt her, please avery, please” i cry out, begging the infuriated girl
“why not bella, she deserves it” she yells
my tears dont stop and i feel like they will never stop pouring.
“tell me what she did”
i begin the tell her the events of tonight and her anger only grows.
“that fucking bitch” is all she can say in response
“but i blocked her, and im literally never gonna speak to her again” i say, trying to make a positive point, to counteract this negative situation
“you are never gonna speak to her again”
“im gonna go off to bed”
i feel broken, i got used. i wanted my first time with a girl to be meaningful, i know i like girls and i wanted to prove to myself that having sex with girls wasn’t wrong, but i feel wrong, i feel gross. i cant believe i would let myself be that vulnerable with someone i barley know. ive never been the one to have one night stands and ive only ever had sex with someone ive been in a relationship with.
i take my valium, something i swore to never use again after getting addicted, but its the only thing that works.
“hey, how are you feeling” avery ask’s, genuinely. i’ve never seen her be this gentle before
“wheres my weed”
“bella no”
“shut up avery”
i walk to the kitchen and unlock one of the drawers, and i see the stash. thank god
i know i shouldn’t smoke as a coping mechanism, but its the only thing that works, every time something bad happens to me, i turn to smoking
after going through 3 joints, im barley able to talk or stand up. perfect
knock
ugh
knock
fuck off
knock
“who is it” i say, it barley even sounded like words
“its azzi, is avery here”
who the fuck is azzi
“avery theres a bitch here for you” i say taking another drag
“oh my god! hey azzi” avery says, excitedly, why the fuck is she acting like that
“why are you so fucking happy” i ask, knowing full well how rude i sound
“this is azzi, shes in my psychology class and we have gotten pretty close” avery says, grabbing azzi and sitting next to me on the couch
“yo dont sit on my shit” i say, mad
“your bella right?” azzi says, happily. i hate happy people
“yeah”
“yeah avery’s told me alot about you” she says
“cool” i reply, dryly
“azzis on the basketball team” avery says, my eyes widen
“of course she is” i say, sarcastically. i hate basketball
“yeah, have you been to any games” she questioned, attempting to continue this boring conversation
“nah, i dont watch basketball”
“oh well you should sometime, avery keeps saying how she wants to go to a game” azzi says, looking at avery who begins giggling. sus
“bella your probably friends with some people on the team” avery says
“you wanna hit” i offer to azzi
“nah, i dont smoke”
“boring” i say, bluntly
“do you guys mind if some of my friends come over” azzi says
“no, no, thats perfectly fine” avery says, looking at azzi. basically eye fucking her
“who” i ask
“ice, kk, aubrey, nika and ashlee” she lists
fuck my life. im to high to care
“yeah whatever” i say, lazily
“ok perfect, ill tell them to come” azzi says, excitedly
“are you sure” avery whispers to me, being nice. for once
“i dont give a fuck, its fine” i say taking a drag
im so high. god damn
10 minutes later all of azzis friends turn up, why are they all so tall. what the fuck
avery introduces herself to them and points them to our couch
“hey im kk, your bella right” kk asks
“yeah im bella”
“hey im ice”
“hey im nika”
“hey im ashlee”
“hey im aubrey”
to many people to remember
until
“oh paige came to, i hope you dont mind” azzi says to us, mostly avery
avery says nothing, myself included
“hi paige” avery says, extremely cold
“come sit guys” azzi says, breaking the silence. i wish i wasn’t so high cause i wanna go to my room
everyone sits on the couch, paige sitting the furthest away from me. funny. not funny. not laughing
conversation begins and everyone is involved. everyone but me, ugh i’m so uncomfortable
paige keeps looking at me, and yes i’m noticing because i’m looking at her to.
paige’s pov
fuck. why do i keep looking at her.
she blocked me last night so obviously shes mad about my actions last night, its just a hookup, nothing more.
its not that deep
“i’m going to bed” bella says, slurring and barely able to stand up. i didn’t know she smoked that much, i guess i don’t know anything about her. but i don’t care.
“paige are you ready to go” kk and ice say to me
“yeah, aubrey, nika, azzi, u ready to go”
“yeah lets go”
“actually im gonna stay” azzi says. sus
“buy guys” is said in unison
azzis pov
“ugh finally” avery says, while smashing her lips onto mine
A/N: im being active rn lolll. how do we like avery and azzi
#paige bueckers x reader#paige bueckers headcannons#paige bueckers smut#paige bueckers fic#paige bueckers#uconn#uconn women’s basketball#uconn huskies#uconn wbb#azzi fudd#nika muhl#kk arnold
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todays award for 'man what the fuck' goes to reddit for making me see pr0/-ship discourse in goddamn 2023. thought we were past that but i guess not
#spitblaze says things#i am once again reminding ppl that media and fan content are not created or consumed in a vacuum#you do not need to whitewash all 'taboo topics' from any work but maybe like. warn people up front. listen to minorities and csa victims#consider if yelling at strangers on the internet is actually helping anybody at all. esp the people you purport to be helping#realize that most people think grown-adult and literal-child pairings are gross for a reason and they arent just pearl clutching prudes#(im talking like 'this character is 10 and this one is 35' not 'this one is 17 and this one is 18'. yes ive seen it. yes i hate it)#idk. have a set of personal values rather than trying to align urself with some movement or group or whatever#also maybe give a little less leeway to ppl making purposefully tittilating csa content? even if it IS fiction???#at that point its not 'exploring dark subject matter' anymore its just jerkoff material. maybe you can afford to be a bit more discerning#also. learn what a maladaptive coping mechanism is please#thats it i just. dont want to think about this shit ever agaaaaaain
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Thinking you shouldn't have to pay for Watcher content is you being entitled, actually.
did i ever say i shouldn’t have to pay for it? no, i said it’s disappointing that i would now have to after years of it being free. it would be easier to take if they were completely changing and upgrading their shows or established that the stream wouldn’t just have their current shows and maybe discontinued ones, that it would be different from their youtube channel and worth the sudden charge, but it’s hard not to feel like they’re throwing their audience under the bus
#from what weve seen the shows will still have the same number of episodes so we arent even getting more of the same content#just nebulous ‘better’ content which could mean anything and also nothing when the shows have gradually started to feel overproduced#it is my and anyone elses right to be disappointed by this#and its a personal choice#if you think its worth the money or if youre in a place where you can afford another service then thats wonderful and i hope you enjoy it#but that doesnt make it any less tone deaf to say we as a company need more money when people cant afford to eat#plenty of creators have successfully crowdfunded their own shows without putting all of it behind a paywall#critical role immediately comes to mind#they have literal thousands of hours of content for free and when it came time to ask for money people showed up for them#the answer didnt have to be put everything on a streaming service when there were plenty of other options#its also just a bad business decision but i dont have the expertise to talk about that#tldr people are allowed to feel however they want about this#also acting like its somehow more ‘authentic’ to get money from your audience#instead of advertisers and sponsors who can actually afford it is sus as hell im just saying#mailbox#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#watcher#shane madej#ryan bergara#steven lim
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hmmmmmm.................vent post under tags...... feel free to give advice or dont¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#i think this is an autism related thing#but i genuinely feel like i wasnt made right for the world we live in#like something is just missing from me that ive never seen ppl talk about#and i know this is going to sound entitled and privileged and i KNOW i know i promise and im so lucky i can even be thinking about this but#it feels weird to have the privilege to be scared#this is specifically in regards to working#like having a job. like going to work#i feel like im missing an extremely important part of my brain or my BEING that is capable ot going through the motions of participating#in society. i never felt that switch of wanting to get a job in high school to make money for myself and get that experience#i feel like there's something i MISSED where everyone took a class on how to apply and go to interviews and write resumes and not be scared#like i NEED to be walked through every SINGLE step because i dont know HOW#and i see my peers and the literal entire world around me participating in this atmosphere and i dont know where to start#im fucking twenty three years old and ive only ever been an intern and an assistant#not even a full year of working#i cant drive and i probably wont ever because thats a whole other can of worms#and that means i have to rely on other people to even get to wherever it was i needed to go#i feel like a fucking child because im missing this knowledge that everyone else seems to have#ive tried i really have but none of it seems simple and its all so much and there arent steps to follow#i mean there ARE but its like 1) look up job 2) apply 3) interview 4) yay you're employed#and im talking about each micro step inbetween#what am i missing#and then theres the fucking demand avoidance that slaps me across the face whenever my mom brings it up to me like i KNOW youre being#supportive and encouraging and its not your fault my brain turns off and decides im full of shame bc i cant CONFRONT ANYTHING#jesus christ#manf i know u can see this maybe dont bring it up to mom i can do that on my own maybe#i WANT to help i just want to help at my own pace but unfortunately the world isnt built around individual paces and nothing revolves#around me. i know this#i want to help my mom i want her to never be stressed about money and to retire and never work or help me pay my student loans but i#genuinely feel like theres a switch that never turned on in my head and im being left behind and i genuinely dont know how to. like be alive
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I find it weird how ppl will say for reasons that systems are fake is that multiple alters talk similar or have similar interests. Have u ever met siblings. They talk similar and have similar interests because they've spent years together ya dork, as systems start to get along more they're gonna start sharing more interests and speech patterns just like you with people you spend a lot of time with lol. Also they all share a life, they have to be able to act like each other to get by and seem "normal."
#this isnt directed ive just noticed that me and willow steal each others interests a lot and its making me think abt all the ppl ive seen#using that reasoning in fake claiming. me and her dont really talk similar but i can imagine that happening with systems who#talk to each other or mask as each other more.#idk. its to our best interest to share skills and interests. if only one person likes/knows writing then we have a problem when we need to#write and they're not present. if only one person likes/knows guitar we're in big trouble in guitar class if they're not present.#and we NEED to get along to operate so its good for us to have things to bond over! we used to argue a lot and it was fucking annoying and#made life hard. i couldnt take care of the body and willow was depressed and it made the brain miserable and it sucked#so the more we can get along the better and i think having things in common is good for that!#like i said we dont really talk the same and for us that works just fine but for some systems that could create communication barriers.#idk. i just think ppl should think a little more about why alters might become similar over time. me and my cohost r literally like family#system#osdd#did#multiple#plural#edit: actually maybe i do pick up speech from her. she says 'my friend' a lot and sometimes im tempted to say it cus its nice#but i feel like it sounds weirder coming from me 😅#OH AND LOVELY. she uses the word lovely so much ive just picked it up. its such a good adjective#idk why usually you expect the host to be the one whos language people copy but i feel like i pick up things from willow more than she does#from me.
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I started reading Billy Bat manga by Urasawa Naoki (u may know him as the guy who did Monster) and jesus christ its wild. Absolute experience. Judas and Jesus are in it, so are ninjas, so is lee harvey oswald (technically at least 3), theres a bat thats satire about how evil mickey mouse and disney are, there's lying cartoons galore, there's the civil rights movement, the oppressivr terror of the ku klux klan and the structural damage of segregation and fucked up laws, and the pervasiveness of advertising and the coca cola company ("golden cola") there's real events sprinkled with gratuitious fictional shit about manipulative God Billy Bat (or perhaps "administrator/guide to the human race"), a scroll that could control the world, Fake walt disney has hired killers, the looming brutality of imperialism and corporations buying out poorer areas, killing in other countries and breaking laws and whatever else is needed to acquire what they want, there's a cartoon dog kennedy assasination, a baby kevin inherits the powers of an older kevin, there's ninjas and priests, there's a small town out west full of cowboy larpers who are this comic artists biggest fan club, a secret agent Smith with a heart of gold (one hopes), a teenager named jackie whos seeing visions, there's a good and evil fake "mickey mouse" bat but frankly theyre probqbly both evil cause either way they lie and manipulate to get people to do what they want, judas cameos not only in his jesus arc but as a little kiddo, and like. Im not even halfway done. Einstein JUST showed up.
#rant#billy bat#its. an experience ill say that. its wild and im kind of floored it got published#it makes a lot of good points but its also ultimately a long winding Batshit Wild Bat Cartoon-as-God MYSTERY thriller#so its like. oh you learn about the pains of cowardice. the cruelties of corporations.#the way society doesnt value a whores life as you cry for her because she was wondetful. the way being just is hard#its hard to be brave and dangerous but it uas to be done. the vile dangers of advertizing and capitalism and profit over human life.#but then also. theres a fucking bat talking to a girl in her college class lol#its an interesting perspective in a way also cause like...#1 a lot of comic artists just full on would not touch these elements in their plots at all. and while ive seen these topics in stories#before. tjis is the most Pointed Disney/governments/corporations critique ive seen in comics. since like. its literally fake disney#ajd real ass historical figures and govts getting critiqued.#then 2 in japanese manga i havent seen foreign events covered much. and its interesting to see the perspective of#world events and america from this author. and his choice to make the protagonists who he did: a japanese american whos born american#and was in the allies as a translator. part of the US occupation when he initially visits japan.#the japanese mangaka whos older than ww2. the white upper class (truly upper class) coca cola#dynasty equivalent inheritor. a lower class black woman factory worker from florida whos outspoken and a leader and#braver than her husband. their kiddo kevin whos the most important person in the world worth saving. jackie the japanese american teen girl#eho grew up Loving fake disney and is in college. her dad the taxi driver who through other people#eventhally got the courage to go reunite with his wife and daughter jackie who left him.#(oh also a european priest and JUDAS and a ninja)#its just like. the author worked hard to put what feels like a japanese and american perspective and the Many ways those overlap and Dont#into this. as well as a variety of upper class and lower class characters. the rich fake walt disney and the poor bat town mayor and elder#who get killed for standing in the way of a corporations dreams.#jackie kennedy and the sweet girl who saved cartoonist Kevin and worked the street.#the rich dynasty inheritor of golden cola and his working class wife. how it all falls away in the deep soutj with pther lines#society draws. the poor student jackie versus the other protagonists witj a job#how kevin yamagata has not much connection to japan except a fondness for his parents. while jackie is even more#culturally removed (having never even visited japan) but her family still has their heritage of stories and places they miss and#want to visit and traditions her dad still regulalry discusses.
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I feel so depressed for no reason. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything.
#i think talking with my psychiatrist put me in a worse mood#i was like on the verge of tears while talking to her#she said that she would have hoped that the new med im on would have started to make a difference by now#she also said that i always present myself the same way when i come into her office. apparently im distant and withdrawn#i try so hard to open up but im just so bad at putting how i feel into words#she said i never report feeling any better. which isnt even true but i also just havent been feeling much improvement lately#i feel like i do acknowledge the improvement i've made#like she has seen me at my lowest. she literally sent me to the hospital in june. then she was my doctor while i was in the hospital too#idk#i think im just like getting burnt out from all this therapy. ive been in higher levels of care (inpatient/residential/php/iop) since may#i just don't want to do anything. even things i have enjoyed in the past or have always wanted to do#im going to spain with my family on tuesday but i so just dont want to go even though ive wanted to go to spain for a long time#this kind of reminds me of when i wasnt looking forward to the taylor swift concert or my 21st bday#and that was because i was so suicidal. i worry that's how im going to feel again#i felt like i couldnt keep getting through each day which i feel now too#but i guess my suicidal thoughts are less constant and intense now even though they are still chronic#i remember that i literally could not focus on anything because my mind would just wander to thoughts about hurting myself#i remember the constant thoughts and urges...
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i turn 21 on monday and i just know im not going to enjoy this weekend at all...
#BIG vent in tags#the last two months have been honestly some of the worst of my life i am always always thinking about this rly shitty thing happened#and now i have to go home for my birthday weekend which i know i should be happy about and it is a good thing#but i just really dont want to go and i feel like a bad person for feeling that way#im doing better than someone i know and i need to go home and be there for them#i wanted to be in my apartment and relax with my friends#ive had 4 midterms this week and i am just exhausted with everything#and its not like it being my brithday will make my weekend bc thats literally impossible#and i feel so shitty about feeling this way bc im not the one who needs help right now and my bday shouldnt even be a priority in my family#bc we have bigger problems rn#but i still wish it was better. plus today sucked#i just am always awkward with people and i wish i was better at social stuff and ive felt rly lonely bc i only hve a few good friends#and trying to make friends is so impossible bc it seems like i keep doing the wrong thing and not being able to vibe with people#rn im just thankful for labs bc having constant lab partners are the only social interactions i get in almost all my classes#this girls would sit next to me in genetics and we would talk but i hvent seen them in a few weeks and i dont know their names#and im not great with faces so i cant even go up to them if i see them and i wouldnt even know what to say if i did#i see the same people in my classes but im sure they think im weird bc ive never talked with them but i always accidentally make eye contac#and one girl in 4/5 of my classes i sometimes talk with but i dont even know if she likes me and i acciendetnally made eye contact with her#while waiting for a lecture to start but then made no attemot to talk to her bc i thought itd be awkward and she probably thought i was#ignoring her#its just this week. its been so so shitty i dont know how to change thus
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Does anyone know if there was simonjess crumbs in the justice league book at the time or is it like just in their solo (meaning I need to reread that book again which I was already planning on doing but like still)
#bc from what ive heard its literally all like contained in that book#and then theres green lantern 2021 where they make her yellow and there was the panel where he didn't recognize her#abd like ive seen that. but id heard literally nothing else about that series and then i looked at solicits recently (for like the first#time ever tbh) and there was a totally diff GL book? on like issue no 4 or smth??? and ut looked like it was all about hal which like#LAME. and there was a john thing but im NOT up to date with modern lantern comics at all im still in the exploratory stage#like i feel like ive hit most of the standalone lantern stuff and now am diving into their biggest hits which is why im reading gl 1990 rn#and everything but like. did they really cancel that book only to immediately start a new one......#jfc i know number 1s sell better but just TRANSITION IN THE BOOK?????#i know dc has like forgotten or whatever but you can legit get a new authorial team and just like... swap things up.... its called having#more than 1 run in a book like jesus#look at me complaining when i dont know what im talking about haha 😐#i need to reread their book anyways thats been on my to do ever since i got out of my recent comics slump but still. i miss them#blah#simonjess#simon baz#jessica cruz#green lantern#dc comics
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I FUCKING KNEW IT
#I KNOW ITS ABOUT POPULARITY OVER THE PRIZE OF THE MANGA BUT. man#so im glad to see team 7 on there (LETS GO WORLDWIDR GIRLIES SAKURA IN THE TOP TEN but no yamato sai :()#BUT ALSO WE DONT NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING MORE ABOUT THRM WE DO *NOT* NEED MORE CONTENT LMFAOO#But then JIRAIYA most of tbe voters ive seen just want mote of his backstory which... you do you ig#and minato too WHICH IS ALSO FAIR we know literally nothing about him#im not mad about shisui either bros got next to nothing#obito and madara also make sense love both of those and although we know a LOT about yhem ig there could be more#but ITACHI fuckng ITACHI I HAVE FUCKINH SAID THIS THERE IS NOTHING ELSE ABKUT HIM WE NEED TO KNOW#OHHHH MY GOD. STOP.#ill only acvept it if its during the akatsuki time and EVEERYONE else in the group shows up#BUT NO.MOTE FUCKKNG CONTENT PLEASE WE HAVE ENOUGH THANK YOU#all in all VERY predictable results ive seen peoppe talking ab voting for the top few
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immensely enjoying rewatching this show i loved when i was in HS but i remember nothing about it. its so corny and predictable and the CGI is terrible but its so fun and i love the characters a lot!!! its basically What If Fairy Tales Were Real and Fucked Up and also there's people who are Creatures in disguise
#its Grimm#ive literally never seen anyone else talk about it but it went on for several seasons#its v good. gritty crime drama + dark fantasy that still manages to have wholesome stuff in it#it's held up mostly well i think irt like. not being Offensive most of the time.#they did make the w/nd/go a creature in it though which i didn't like at all.#im only on s3 tho so idk if it goes downhill fast or smth
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realizing my brain is possibly wayyyyy more broken than i thought it was haha.//.
#imjustsittinghere#was in the shower just like thinking#about like why im bad at making friends and how i wish i could get closer to people when they think im cool and we could be like bros#cause for some reason [the brain disease probably] i think all the people ive tried to make friends with over my 20s like HATE me#specific example is this group of friends i met pre quarantine that i saw alot and were really cool#and they liked me and my friends and we all got along and chilled and vibed together#but in my head im CONVINCED all these people hate me cause ive been kinda awkward around them a few times lol#even tho everytime ive seen them they come up like hey hows it going!! n try to talk with me#last time i saw one of them at a party right before covid i was about to leave because i thought i was being too weird and anxious and peopl#didnt want me there anymore#and as i was putting my shoes on one of these people was like omg angel give me a kiss as they were walking by#and i did! kissed on the lips just for funsies! but still in my head im like oh u DESPISE me!!!!!! uve never wanted to speak to me ever and#wish i was dead!#and then i be like...evidence of this? i was weird that one time and kinda awkward lol#im just so stupid lol#there are so many people im like FUCK i fucked up my whole chance of being friends with them cause im a weird littel gross guy!#n then they r literally people who love me im just scared of them#worst part is im literally writing this like i know this but i still would be too scared to go to one of their shows again lol
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.
#idk if this is angsty or not so im just gonna throw it in the tags#but like. i fully know what my problem is. and how i could fix it. and literally the only thing making me sad and upset is myself#why? because my choice of medium is writing. because that makes it incredibly difficult to get anything out there and get people interested#in my creations. cause visual media is preferred so much over written anything cause its so much easier to consume#it doesnt help that i dont work with popular characters or ships (literally my current work im most excited about is for a ship only *i*#have contributed to so far. like.. we are talking that level of unpopular choices here)#and like. i dont say this to shame or blame anyone. this is obviously my choice. ive decided to do both of these things when i could have i#so much easier. i wouldnt be better at it if i did visual shit still. im way worse at that than writing. ive always been a writer first#but.. honestly seeing the difference with interaction and even in general interest due to these factors...#idk man. again i know this is entirely self inflicted like i chose this. i chose all of these things. and continue to do so#ive literally seen all of this. im not making it up. im not talking about just in general im talking this has happened to me personally#that rare time in june i made and posted art? do you understand the amount of ppl that said 'ive missed your stuff'?#the same people that dont consume my current works due to their form and have never went on the lengths to say the same thing about#my writing? when i took a two year hiatus from all of that basically? but a few months of visual arts?#idk fam im just. i understand all of this but im hurt. you know?#cause i know it doesnt matter. and its so much more difficult. i know there are people out there who love and appreciate what i do#and who understand how important this is to me compared to other stuff and before and whatnot#but at the same time the negatives (that are mostly in my head but they are still real things and they still hurt) are so much louder#i dont know where im going with this. im just thinking. excuse the brain barf#or dont. whatever. im just.. acknowledging my recent feelings. there is a reason i had a breakdown few days ago and yesterday was so rough#i should probably go to bed. sorry about this#its not gonna change anything in how stuff is viewed or how im gonna act about it but just.. you know. putting this out there#the inequality of how art is treated just has me thinking. that maybe im not made for this#maybe i should just be the below mediocre visual artist that does things that give them no happiness just cause it gets more attention#idk. just. yeah#good night#night is an absolute mess on main
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