oh snap i should probably post this today huh

2022 art chart

claire from the start of the year vs end btw. :)

i think ive improved a lot but on small things... i think im better at drawing bodies + have a better understanding of where things go when i draw a person(/whatever)... i think the way i draw faces is better but i really need to improve on how to draw mouths + different expressions its something i dont have a good understanding on. i dont think ive improved much with colours which is another weak point of mine that i struggle with a lot. i think my lines look more confident and purposeful and i think im better at at least trying to draw things im not confident in rather than avoiding it or drawing around it as a copout. umm what else... i feel like ive gotten better at drawing hair. realising i much more enjoy making it look more realistic + that i enjoy my art looking more realistic (comparatively) in general so i want to work on that but also work on exaggerating shapes and poses and lines etc. etc.

some things i want to try and focus on next year... that stuff i already mentioned ofcourse but also really need to buckle down and focus on learning to use colour better. i want to figure out a colouring style i enjoy more as well bc i dont really enjoy the way i do it Or how it looks rn. i also want to try drawing different perspectives and more interesting looking + dynamic poses and art pieces in general. id also like to start focusing on drawing things that arent just characters as i would enjoy being able to do things like backgrounds props scenes etc. sometimes. i also really need to figure out how to draw multiple characters interacting + touching etc. and how to make it look natural/good bc it always looks stiff and awkward

i would also love to try drawing with different styles and methods (ie painting/rendering things sometimes stuff like that) bc the times i do try out different styles i enjoy it :) i need to do style studies. i also need to look at some tutorials or whatever for different digital art methods like painting which i dont really enjoy bc i can never seem to find any that i like

and i need to remember to have fun with it... i always end up trying to draw so people will think its good rather than because im enjoying it and i really need to focus on that again. and i want to draw More which i say all the time but i really do as ive said i dont draw much more than gets posted but even if i do sketches or practice more often would mean a lot to me. i really have in the last little while been much more motivated to actually start creating some of my stories that i have and while i think im still a long way away from being in a position where i would feel confident starting i want to start doing things that are pushing me in the right direction and alot of this here is doing that (along with practice writing and stuff but thats a big different thing). well i dont know what else to say. goodbye

20 questions for fic writers

1. How many works do you have on Ao3

23

2. What’s your total word count?

109,996

3. What fandoms do you write for?

bob's burgers, inanimate insanity and there's like one steven universe fic in there. i have written for other fandoms in the past but not on that account lol (and mostly unpublished)

4. Top 5 fics by kudos

zeke running away fic, genderfluid gene fic, louise hat fic, bob mom fic, tinimmy week fic (the problem with naming all my fanfics after really long complicated song lyrics is that i simply will not actually call the fanfictions by their Actual Name. also not linking them bcuz im lazy)

5. Do you respond to comments?

i always try to respond to comments but tbh people dont comment on my work very often?? i also dont reply to comments on my old account bcuz i dont have access to it anymore

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i dont know if ive ever written anything angsty tbh?? thats not really my favorite thing because it makes me too sad. out of my published fanfics probably the fic about bob's mom wins by default and out of my unpublished wips uhh maybe my louise and tina focused fanfic. it has a happy ending (maybe) but its a real downer at times. or maybe my tinimmy fic is bittersweet depending on how you read it

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

maybe my fanfic where bob gets a garden LMAO or my genderfluid gene fic

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no!!! actually a secret about me in that my almost 10 years posting art fanfics etc online i have never gotten a single negative comment on anything ive made. i feel very lucky :)

9. Do you write smut?

never have and never will (nothing wrong with it in most contexts but im asexual and smut is extremely Not My Thing. i actually tried writing a smut fic once to challenge myself a few years ago and spent like 1000 words describing the way the candles were lit in their bedroom before i realized its simply not for me and thats fine)

10. Do you write crossovers?

no but if my hyperfixations ever gave me an opportunity to crossover maybe?? any bob's burgers character on the infinity train would be hilarious. any hfjone character would be heartbreaking

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i dont remember but im gonna go with probably not

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

NO I THINK IT WOULD BE REALLY FUN but im too much of a perfectionist w/ my writing and i would be worried about dragging the other person down with me. maybe if my ocd ever gets medicated idk

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

it depends on my mood but right now i have been thinking abt tina and jimmy jr a lot. not even romantically their relationship is just so interesting. jimmy jr/zeke/tina is also great. marshall lee and gary.... bryce and liam??

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

i have like over 30+ wips so thats probably a lot of them FJDMDMSJSKS something i would love to finish at some point but probably never will is a fanfic about how bob and linda overcame the cycle of abuse with their own childhood memories vs how they are with their kids. maybe i could write that with somebody else and we each do like a chapter at a time (they write linda's memories and i write bob's etc)

16. What are your writing strengths?

people always tell me that im really good at capturing character's voices and personalities and making them feel in character?? i always want my stories to feel like something that could actually happen in-universe and make it make sense with the characters etc. i think part of this comes from working w/ my own ocs and thinking so hard about how different people express and communicate things and then applying that to other characters is easy. and bcuz of how my autism works i can memorize how a person or character constructs sentences and create new sentences inside my head in their voice :D i really pay attention to peoples speaking patterns & how they phrase things

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

probably how perfectionist i am about grammar and using certain words phrases punctuation etc that it takes FOREVER to get anything done. i also think im too wordy. i can turn a fifteen word sentence into a fifty word sentence easily which is great for essays but kinda annoying when you're reading a silly bobs burgers fanfic

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

i dont mind doing it for my ocs but to my knowledge none of the bob's burgers characters speak another language as their native language?? so i cant see it coming up in anything i write

19. First fandom you wrote for?

i dont really wanna say bcuz its embarrassing and i was pretty young LMAO but it was like youtuber fanfic on wattpad (wayy before whatever youtubers you're thinking of they were never famous)

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

hmm either my tinimmy week fic or my genderfluid gene fic it changes depending on the day. right now its my tinimmy week fanfic <3

jessie :) hi! I hope youre well omg I didnt realize you were in "divine detention" and doing Labors to the gods this whole time. I hope youre making progress, im wondering how its like? also, much love to ur kitty !!! ive been watching cat videos a ton lately lol

Hello, love!!

Yup, I’ve been stuck in Divine Detention since around the end of April. Well they’ve been unhappy with me since before then but they went silent on my near the end of April. The only ones I’ve really interacted with is Aphrodite and Ares showed up thanks to @theoi-crow. (i’ve been hanging out with him the most. So chatty that one! lol!) I’ve felt the others pop in and out every so often but it’s nothing like how it used to be. Hermes especially who was always around has been completely MIA. Honestly it sucks and I’m still mad at myself for letting it get to this but can’t really do anything about the past. Instead I’m focusing on my labors and doing the work I need to do. It’s going good so far. I can tell Apollo is pleased especially with the progress I’ve made in regards to my creativity. Realizing that expressing myself through my art specifically for myself is an act of self-love. I’ve also realized it’s a beautiful and intimate activity I can share with just Apollo.

I also realized that self-love HAS to be at the center of the work I do. That was a discovery Aphrodite especially was thrilled I finally made.

Also giving myself the space finally to think instead of distracting myself with digital screens has helped me form new ideas about my worship and how I might go about it going forward.

According to my monthly Tarot reading with the gods, May is all about shadow work and gratitude work. Which makes sense since I’ll be living downstairs with my dad and brother in my childhood bedroom. Shadow work is inevitable! It’s gonna be rough but it’s also necessary. I think this is a big reason why the gods have pretty much forced me to drop everything else because they knew I needed to focus on myself right now. I don’t think I really understood the gravity of what I’m going through in terms of my trauma work and how sharing space with my family again was going to impact me. Also it’s about taking advantage of this opportunity for healing. You know when am I ever going to be in my childhood bedroom again? Kind of seems like the perfect moment and environment to focus completely on inner child work and healing.

This is why I always say it’s important to listen to the gods. They know so much more than we do. They had been trying to prepare me for this for awhile yet I continuously shrugged them off. Like what is the point of having divine help if you aren’t even gonna use it, Jessica!?!?

ANYWAY, to summarize...it’s been difficult but ultimately this has all been good for me and it’ll be 100% worth it in the long run. I’ll likely look back at this moment and be like “Yup thats when I finally got my shit together and look at me now!’ and Apollo will be like “Yeah you’re welcome! Damn pain in my gorgeous ass!” xDDDD

And thank you for the love to Moo! She’s been quite happy with all the love and admiration she’s been getting! She says it feels correct xDDDD

Pssst.... gush about some thing you’ve wanted to for so long but haven’t found the ask to do so! I really like reading your metas or off-the-wall posts.

aw ty!

mmmh usually i just crank out a random meta when i feel like it, which i havent had the energy to do in a while. so have a lot of hcs about gem language, gem society and how it resembles a totalitarian system cause why not, this is already a dystopia. 

goes from cute to shady real quick, have fun

Gem Vocabulary

gems have no gender, they dont age, they dont reproduce. the whole vocabulary about relationships, aging and sex must be completely different in gem language. they probably lack a lot of words we commonly use, and have unique words for things we dont have (like winter duty, patrol duty... i wouldnt be surprised if gem language had unique grammatical features for those)

this is one of the reasons why its so unfair of aechmea to call cairn ‘wife’ and ‘princess.’ the gems have no concept of wife-ness, we dont know if a gem equivalent of marriage exists, but its definitely much, much different from what the lunarians (and us) perceive as one.

do gems have anything akin coming of age? this could be weird bc gems can potentially live forever, but they can also be abducted by the lunarians at any time, so who’s to say how long a lustrous will live? how do you calculate being ‘of age’? is it by calculating the average life-span of a gem? 

how do they measure time and seasons? we know they have winter and summer and phos mentions ‘spring’ in chapter 20, but what about months and lunar phases? do they have words for that or are months just too small a timeframe for the immortal lustrous to utilize? how do they measure time? in hours and seconds? weeks? different units altogether?

Gem Relationships

similarly, gem relationships are codified in a completely different way. we know they have a concept of romance bc dia ships phos and shinsha and makes comments here and there about other gems being in love. 

at the same time, the relationships btw alexandrite and chrysoberyl, padpa and rutile, ghost/cairn and lapis etc are little different from ‘pure’ sibling/sibling relationships or senpai/kohai relationships.

this is not to say that they’re all romantic in nature, but the way they’re codified in canon (especially in the way the characters grief for their partner) makes me think that even if the gems have no blood/physical kinship with one another they have a very articulated system of establishing family bonds.

dia and bort are clearly siblings, but the same can’t be said, for example, for rutile and padpa, even if they were partners and even if they display a similar junior/senior relationship. this means that relationships are predicated on something else in hnk, and kinship, family and romance are all codified in a different way.

think of vulcans in star trek: physical contact such as two fingers touching, holding hands and kissing is unknown of (save for very specific circumstances). and vulcan people have a completely different way of expressing intimacy and romance than humans. 

this makes me think: just how many canonically romantic relationships are there in hnk (if any) that we’re simply unaware of bc the way gems codify and express romance is so different from ours? is romance even common? rare? perceived as weird? useless? 

what about other relationships? the gems use ‘little brother/ older brother’ but what if this is just japanese approximations? what kind of relationships can lustrous language really express and how different are they from ours?

Imagination

as @ruddy-rutile​ pointed out some time ago, the gems lack a concept of fantasy. thats why i posted that panel about alex’s original lunarian designs. sure, it’s funny, but it also makes you think: these gems are not raised to think outside the box and they can do it without being told so only under exceptional circumstances.

of the vast library of texts that ghost (and lapis) used to take care of, just how many are novels and fiction? none of them? a small amount? a decent amount? in a society thats as focused on practicality, efficiency and conservatism as the lustrous’, how is fiction perceived if perceived at all? 

is there art? red beryl’s craft comes very close to art when they express their feelings about ‘fashion for fashion’s sake,’ but it’s an exception that the other gems find hard to grasp.

phos is often told to stop fantasizing about the world and get things done, the only tale we know the gems are told is the actual story of how their world came to be. the gems always talk about real things, stuff that happened, and make and do things that have a practical use. 

even bort’s jellyfish diary is just made up of a recollection of what happened when they tried to feed them. still, the fact that bort names the jellyfish makes you think that these rocks do have potential for fantasy, theyre just not used to it

Totalitarianism and Privacy

to make this even more shady, here’s your gentle reminder that:

- gems’ rooms have no doors. the only door ive been able to find is the one in shinsha’s room (ch 2) and that is because shinsha’s room is closed off to other people and full of mercury. its like putting a patch on smth you dont want to deal with (much like shinsha’s whole character arc tbh)

- the gems have little to no free time. or their free time can be revoked any time in case an emergency occurs, sensei is napping etc. the gems’ time is rigorously managed by jade, euc and sensei. each gem has a place to be and a time to be.

this means that a missing gem can be found at all times and slackers can be identified very easily. they all have a job and they have to follow it. this is not to say that they have no fun ever, but leisure time is rare and (at least as far as we know) its not contemplated when tasks are assigned each day.

the mere fact that there is a morning assembly and tasks are assigned each day makes you think. is this communism? is this totalitarianism? but most importantly, is this a scary dystopia that hits you in the face like a brick the third time you reread ch 2?   

- sameness > equality. i already went over this in the past. gems society underlines sameness and conformity over anything else. the gems think theyre equal but theyre actually ‘similar.’

a system based on equality emphasizes differences so that every individual can do the best with what they have got and get back what they need, according to their personal needs. 

these gems emphasize sameness: everyone is upheld to the same standards, even when those standards dont match with a gem’s unique characteristics (ie phos cannot be a fighter, no reason to keep saying stuff like ‘if only you were stronger/you’re useless’ etc. they’re a rock with an imagination in a world where dull reality is the rule. just make them write theater plays and play with slugs with shinsha, wth)

It’s real 1984 hours:

all of the above means that:

- your sense of self is subordinated to the group. if you dont belong you’re simply a nothing. at times, the gems almost display a collective consciousness (a pretty hostile one too): everything must be decided together and done together

- you are what you do. gems identify completely with their job. thats why a job is so important, thats why this system is so fucked up. self worth is not inherent, it depends on what you can do. talk about a breeding ground for mental health issues 

- you dont have a saying in picking your career or deciding for you future. thats up to sensei (and maybe euc and jade). unless you have a very strong affinity with a certain task (like red beryl and alex)

- youre expected to follow orders all the damn time. no matter how much sensei wants his gems to exert free will, they still prefer to do what theyre told. ill admit, its much easier than taking your life in your hands and decide what youre gonna do with it, but damn if it isnt depressing. and childish

- euclase and sensei are the authority. sensei and euc are the powers that be. in the sense that they assign tasks, they decide on times and battle plans, on purpose etc. lets not forget that euc was the one to take on sensei’s role after he ‘resigned.’ 

i wonder what would happen if euc were abducted and the gems had no one to follow anymore, no orders. who’d be the new leader? would there be one? lets not forget that no matter how gentle euc is, phos is shit scared of them.

- thought police is a thing. to end this meta on what is probably the shadiest note: surveillance is a thing. the gems report on each other, it’s thought police, no sugarcoating this. 

there’s no privacy, no secrets. even antarc reads rutile’s diary. this goes from cute and childish (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’) to absolutely fucked up (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’)

Hello! I have an art question, if you don't mind talking about art stuff! I'm trying to get better at drawing, but having a really hard time with figuring out how to draw people. I feel like I've made progress with things like animals, objects, etc but I just can't get my drawings of people to improve! You draw people (and everything else tbh!!) so beautifully, do you mind if I ask how you learned to draw them? Or if you have any advice? Thank you for posting your art here, you're such a big inspiration and I love seeing your posts when they come across my feed! 💗

I love talking about art stuff!!! ♡ firstly, thank you aww ;×;) !! I'm so flattered, its really so sweet of you to say that!!

(( oh my god once again I've written so much I am so sorry! I put a tldr at the end, I couldn't quite go into much detail about specifics because im not quite sure what specifically you would like to improve, but I did try to cover some bases but please don't be afraid to message me with any more info or questions!!! ))

I'm a bit of the opposite where I can only draw people and struggle making progress with everything else lol, I admire you a little bit!! 🤭

People can be hard to capture, because we naturally (subconsciously?) examine them trying to determine things like emotion and im not quite sure how to put it but... health? For most people, its easy to see if someone is tired or sick at a glance. This comes into play when drawing people because we are wired to immediately analyze everything about them and pick up things that are wrong (think of uncanny valley type stuff!)

I often think about something bob Ross said, I dont have the time to hunt it down but what he said was basically along the lines of; he prefers painting scenery, because when we see a scenic painting its easier to think "this looks like somewhere ive been!" And its more believable. Meanwhile, its hard to capture the exact likeness of someone. If its a little off, we feel it looks "bad". I may have changed or added some points in there, but I think that was the general idea? 🤔 thats not to say scenic paint is easy in any way, its just about how we view it.

My point in this is, the key to drawing people is to create a believable figure. And how to achieve this depends on the style you draw them in ! I can only offer advice for stylized drawings (i struggle to draw hyper realistic people, and I also just don't enjoy it? Lol) but im assuming that since you like my art you're okay with that? ^^

In regards to how I learned to draw, well.. ive been doing it since I can remember ^^; I grew up watching anime which definitely altered my style and interests, and when i was in high-school I transitioned from an "anime adjacent " style, to a generalized "stylized" look, and now I strictly use photo reference which has helped make my style less cartoony but it still shares cartoon elements I feel? For a long time I drew without using references at all which im sure also contributed to how I draw things now. I havent had a chance to take art classes, so I've learned mostly by self study. Practicing drawing from reference, looking up tips and tricks youtube videos, watching other artists work and looking closely at their pieces to try and see how they achieve certain looks. Eventually it all adds up! How i draw people is a reflection of like 20 years of this!!

My biggest regret is not taking art "seriously" and going nearly all of those 20 not properly studying. This is my biggest piece of advice :^( unfortunately, im still learning how to do this myself, I think "studying" is a learned skill and hard to do without instruction. But if you can draw animals and objects I think you probably know a little bit on how to. So then looking a bit deeper into "improving", what about your drawings do you feel are lacking?

Circling back to my earlier paragraphs, how you want to improve depends on what sort of style you are going for and the way you want to portray or capture people. Portraits rely on technical skill i think. I'm not sure i could offer valuable advice here..

Comics, manga, and graphic novels sole intention is to tell a story through drawings. They don't give metaphors (usually!! Sometimes they do but not in the context im trying to explain) and/or tell us how characters are feeling, they show us! This is why the art styles of them often have exaggerated features, and simplified features. The eyes tend to have more detail because we read eyes for emotion, mouths are exaggerated because they are key to reading emotion (most importantly so I think! Watch: 🙂☹ the only difference is the mouth, but we can tell they feel totally different emotions.) Noses in comparison are usually more simplified as they, out of all features of the human face, are the least expressive.

If you want to improve your drawings of people so that they are more expressive and relatable, I would try to analyze how your face changes with emotion and perhaps practice with one of those emotion chart meme templates!

Illustration work is similar, but I feel the face doesn't actually matter as much. If you look at full bodied illustrations of people and zoom in on the face, you'll find that they are sometimes quite simplified! When viewing a full bodied person we generally take in the body's language first. It would take me a long time for me to explain in detail on this post (though I would love to talk about body language in illustration please let me know of you would like me to... also the body language of two figures.. but ill spare you for now ♡) I would recommend gesture drawing and timed studies. I improved drawing so much when I started doing this (I use the site quickposes a lot, set a high timer and draw!!) If drawing the face is hard for you and you can't seem to get anywhere, try focusing on the body for a little bit! Especially how bodies look when bending and twisting.. which might sound random, but I think it helps get a better understanding on how proportions can change with pose.

I wrote so much and I really didn't mean to. Its always hard to answer questions like this without much information like what your goal is and what look you want to achieve. I hope I didnt scare you away with my horrible novel of an answer but if you'd like to give more detail or ask any more questions please I welcome you to!! I love talking about art and I love love love hearing about other peoples art ;^; ♡

Tldr; when trying to improve drawing people it may not be as simple as working on technical skill, its important to keep in mind purpose, emotion, body language, and art style

kat! love your all your fics you're an amazing writer! can you share some writing tips for amateur writers out here?

hi anon writing advice tag if youre looking for like...more specific answers? when it comes to writing, its a very subjective experience when it comes to finding inspiration, outline style, word choice, etc but theres a few things i think across the board are important to remember. 

going under a cut to not clog dashes

- consume as much media as you can. ex: books, music, film etc. i know for me personally im most inspired when im consuming art. i literally cannot write without music, like its genuinely so difficult because i pace my writing against the soundtrack of each scene. and the filtering, editing, and direction style of films/tv series i like will influence, in some manner, how the fic looks in my mind. yes, your plot and characters are found/uncovered in your brain and heart, but these other mediums assist in your interpretation of how youd like to express it and will help inspire the way you describe certain things. so dont be afraid to step back from a doc to consume other forms of art. for me, at least, its really important.

- keep writing and dont let yourself stop. once you decide you want to write a fic or drabble or whatever comes to mind, write it. and once that is done, write more. this is how you develop a style. you will notice the more you practice, the easier it gets. OR you will notice the more you write, the more evolved your writing becomes. this is how you form a style. here is an example: 

an excerpt from a series i was writing in 2011 in a different fandom:

No one tells you what it’s like to go insane. No one talks about it because, we, as a society, understand the chemistry and the biology of it, but we don’t understand the feeling of it. Time had started to compress, slipping around me in a computerized metronome of blood flow and heart beats that had started to tell me nothing except that I was still living. They hadn’t strapped me to the bed, but I still couldn’t leave and everything about the room started to feel like a cage. Sleep had eluded me since I was pulled out, and through the exhaustion and the haze of sameness I never knew exactly when I was beyond a date of 2266.

I was craving daylight - not the vitamin D, as I was being given a healthy dose of daily vitamins through an IV drip - the natural light and the natural warmth of it, all over my face and skin. The ceiling lights of the room provided an element of ultraviolet light, but after so many hours the falsehood of an invention began to wear a person down. It’s something you never really think about, the sun, not until you don’t have it, not until you haven’t seen it for one hundred years.

But when one hundred years feels like three days or two weeks, time really stops mattering and then the sun itself doesn’t feel so important.

from Empty Vessels, posted july 2019:

For a while, they do not speak. Minseok looks longingly out over the water, hollowed, as the herbalist regards the dirt on her shoes with an empty stare. In the silence, Junmyeon minutely nods, the bare threads of his patience allowing them space to find their words. Images spring to his mind, all imagined and none wholly formed, each as bleak and battered as the crow in Chanyeol’s arms. He wonders what Minseok has seen, unable to avoid with a clarity bordering on entrapment; he wonders what she has heard, whispers on the wind of a life he thought he’d left behind.

‘The trees are screaming,’ she announces, eyes still downcast though her voice is sharp; blunt as the edge of a sword and equally as unforgiving. ‘They’re in pain.’

It settles over him, slow and uncompromising, the notion that trees could make sound - that they would choose to. The oldest wisdom lingers in their branches, and for one brief moment, he sees her as someone as old as their roots.

i, at least, can see an enormous difference in quality and style and thats because ive been writing and writing and writing for a very long time lmao. in 2011 i was 3 years into writing fanfic consistently; at that time, too, i was still working towards my degrees and writing daily for film analysis projects. the more you write, the more you evolve so please please please dont stop just because you feel you arent experienced enough. confidence and style will come over time, just keep yourself in practice. 

- NOTES MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. notes on tumblr are a hot take - and while, yes, there is a need for more reblogs and more sharing of content, focusing on statistics will drive you to the brink. joseph gordon levitt released a ted talk last week on how seeking attention is detrimental to your creativity and LORD this is such a good talk because its true. one of the things he discusses is how powerful the feeling of receiving attention - in this case, notes on a fic - drives someone toward output, but is that genuine? now, of course theres always going to be different scenarios or opinions but if you are just starting out with writing please dont post a fic under the assumption or expectation of achieving a note goal. there are so many variables as to what gets notes and what does not - from algorithm to how many people are online to see it to timing to content like you cannot predict what will or will not correspond to x number of notes and x number of followers. 

instead of setting note or follower goals, set word count goals. when i first started writing for kpop i was actually a pretty concise writer. if you look at the early chapters of hero and wyrm tamer, they all would peak around 4 or 5k words. achieving 10-15K on something seemed absolutely ridiculous and impossible to me - hell, 15K was 10K words under my masters thesis count! why would i want to write that much? but now? im shook if i finish a chapter or fic and the word count is just 4K. those word count goals are exciting for me. 

nervous about word count goals? thats fine! set a goal to write a genre. always wanted to try high fantasy? dope! do it! want to write some sexy vampires? fuck yeah, everyone loves those! want to write a fic that helps you release some tension or trauma youve experienced? please do that, writing is therapy and has been scientifically proven to help. 

set goals for making characters, world building, soundtracks, to learn photoshop to make a moodboard. set goals for all kinds of things but pls dont set goals for statistics because these are so variable and very often outside of your control they will very often suck any joy out of your creativity before its had the chance to start.

i hope these help!

saw @emotoonal ‘s TT meme thingie and wanted to fill it out...

1: What’s your name? Do you have a few other names you go by, whether its your name IRL or an alias?

myyyy name is V! but ive also been known as Brownster/Brownie and Milkshake in the TT fandom. V stands for many things but its the initial of my legal middle name ~

2: What is your gender and/or the pronouns you use?

im nonbinary! i consider myself to have no gender and be null/void in that sense. i use they/them exclusively

3: What is your main toon you play as (or whatever your most developed is)? Is it an OC? A sona? Your toon from Toontown Online all those years ago? Where are you in the game? (playground,gag,suit-wise). What game do you play (Rewritten, Fellowship, Offline?) Feel free to tell as much about them as you want and even include pictures if you can/want!

my main toon i play on is Brownie Fudge Sundae on TTR! she was a combination of my two TTO toons (Brownie from the US server and Milkshake from the UK server). she’s become her own OC in my little toonworld. she’s currently 112 laff, dropless, and im working on maxing cash+sell. i hope to max her sometime as it was always my dream to max on TTO!

4: What type of blogger are you/do you consider yourself? Someone who makes fanworks of your ocs or others’? Someone who just reblogs what they think is interesting? Someone who posts fun/dumb screencaps? A person who develops entire stories/headcanons/lore with their own toontown characters/fan ideas? Or something else entirely?

i just draw haha. i love to create stories/lore w my characters too so i try to illustrate this! i also love drawing for other people. this blog is a bit of a break from my job which is freelance illustration, i draw a lot of complicated things so drawing TT helps me destress and keep my art loose and expressive.

5: What is your favorite toon species?

cats, im biased... but i also love crocs, rabbits, deer and mice.

6: Your favorite cog?

regular cog: LOAN SHARK and boss: it’s a tie between VP and CFO for me. i was obsessed with VP growing up but ive come to appreciate CFO in my older age. he’s hardcore, man.

7: Your favorite HQ and/or playground?

favourite HQ by design alone is LBHQ for sure... those marbled floors still amaze me. favourite playground by design.... probably TTC or DDL.

8: What about cog boss fight? Which one is the most fun to you?

CFO is my favourite boss fight! its really fun and not as grindy as the others. i enjoy the concept of CJ and CEO a lot but feel they drag on too much. VP is VP, i like taking little toons in VP so thats fun.

9: How long have you been playing? Have you been here all the way back from Toontown Online’s original release up until its closure? Did you just start playing recently?

i started playing in 2005, 2 years after TTO’s release! i couldnt play all the time due to money constraints but i played both the US and UK server.

10: What is your favorite gag?

probably birthday cake or TNT lmao...

11: What stuff do you like besides Toontown? Other fandoms you’re in? Hobbies? Bands/music artists? Whatever you can think of.

my main fandom is Transformers! i also have a great interest in other cartoon-based stuff like Disney, Cuphead and BATIM. 

12: Do/Did you play any other MMO’s/MMORPG’s/Other Multiplayer games?

a LOT.... maplestory, latale, WoW, trickster online, and many others i cannot remember the names of

13: Do you consider yourself social?

im pretty social! im not the best with hardcore one-on-one communication and tend to reserve that for my fiance, but i like meeting new people and try to be as friendly as i can.

14: Do you play Toontown frequently?

at the moment as my health has improved tremendously (new meds boiz), i’m playing it daily!

15: What’s your favorite thing to do in Toontown? (try to max your toons, play trolley games, talk to people, do fashion shows/parties, help new users, ect. ect.)

im focusing on maxing right now but i love talking to people and helping new users... i also love making new outfits and trying new strategies!

16: What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you in the game?

unfortunately my memory is too bad for this </3

17: Is there anything that really annoys you that happens/people do in the game?

greening always angers me, but that’s a given. i also can’t stand people who leave halfway through factories because they missed ONE battle. not many other things bother me though. im a very live and let live sort of toon.

18: Not Toontown related, but usually this tells a lot about a person- what’s your favorite fictional character(s), if any?

...............Starscream from... Transformers....

i have narcissistic personality disorder dont look at me

19: What’s your favorite thing about Toonblr?

honestly i love how friendly and communicative everyone is!!! almost everyone adds tags to my art and comments on my stuff and its super friendly, i adore it!

20: Anything else you’d like to share? Your main blog/other blogs you run? Fun facts about you? What you ate for breakfast? Go wild

i ate.........bagels for breakfast. also i want to make a million loan sharks someone stop me

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

January 18,2017 (IV)

“I love her.”

Camila’s POV

I suddenly wasn’t feeling so well anymore, her words hit me like  ton of bricks. Everything she was saying was all leading up to my demise. ~i sigh~ How could I have been so stupid, so stupid to actually think she would want to be with me. After everything I’ve put her through, after everything I’ve put US through. It all makes sense ya know, her pulling away, me pushing her away. Saying I wanted to spend more time in the studio when in reality I was just trying to get away from her. Unintentionally I was pushing her more and more towards Lucy, this is all my fault. I-

“Camz, please talk to me. We’ve been giving each other the silent treatment for so long now. I know you, and I know you are probably blaming yourself because you were basically avoiding me for the better part of last year-.”  How does she know me so well? I ask myself. She’s still talking but I can’t hear what she is saying, all I see is her lips moving and wishing so much to place mine on hers. “Camz!”….“Listen, I….think we should go get this interview started, they are waiting for us.” I quickly try to move past her but again she knows me through and through and grabs my wrist to stop me- part of me wants to do the cliche thing and crash my lips against hers just like any romantic movie scene would go, but this isn’t a movie…this is my life - she looks me in the eyes as if she’s trying to read me I hope I’m not giving anything away. “Camz, don’t you want to talk about this?” I smile, “No, we’ve had them waiting long enough, really. I’m happy for you and I don’t want to argue, or try to decipher anything Lauren really. It’s clear that you’ve moved on and I’m happy that you are happy. Let’s go!”

“Hey guys it’s Dinah, hi I’m Camila, I’m Ally, hey it’s Normani, hi I’m Lauren. And we’re Fifth Harmony”

Interviewer: “Wow, it’s so great to hear that introduction again, I know I as a Harmonizer from the start I was really excited for this intro and you guys just made my dreams come true! So thank you for that.”

Ally: “Awe you are adorable no thank you for having us, we’ve loved Billboard from the start so definitely thank you guys for all the love and support you’ve given us throughout the years.”

Interviewer: “Of course, always a pleasure to have you ladies in our studio, together or separate which has been the case the last few times, with that being said Lauren congratulations on the success with "Back To Me” it’s been on repeat in our studio and on my phone, car and home constantly! It’s killing it on the chart as well so congratulations!“

Dinah,Camila,Ally,Normani: "Sameee, it’s a bop!” “So Good!!” “raindrop, drop top, it’s a bop!” -They all laugh hysterically, just like old times.

Lauren: “ gosh! Thank you so much! Much appreciated!”

Interviewer: “ok, now while we are the topic of you guys being separated, there have been a ton of speculations as to the reason for you Camila leaving the group”

-I nodded-

Interviewer: “Would you like to elaborate on that?

Camila: "Well, yes there were a ton of speculations of my leaving. Most if not all were false. The statements made by our management at the time were false, I didn’t have my representatives tell the girls I was leaving. I did that on my own, we had a quote unquote meeting where we all put all our cards on the table with personal and professional relationships we’ve had at that time. I was very hurt with the way they had put out such a harsh statement like that and with the icing me out of things such as accounts,and appearances so quick. This very day one month ago was the official day all of our contracts were "unattached” so to speak. I’m sure the other girls can elaborate that from their own perspective too - I looked to the other girls who all nodded- I as well as the rest of the girls were very much wanting to do solo projects, I guess in retrospect I was just more vocal about it than you guys were. There are definitely things I wish I could have done differently in the journey we’ve had together -at this point I was speaking to the girls more so than the interviewer- but I don’t regret anything. - I giggled- It’s been the most disastrous blessing in disguise. - Lauren smiles at me, and I smile back - The real reason for my leaving though is not what everyone thinks it is.“

Interviewer: "It’s not? Well please clarify it’s why we are all here. Some of the few speculations we’ve gotten were mainly of feuds between you and other members of the group. i.e feuds with Normani and Ally for you wanting to go solo. Feuds between you and management for the same reasons of wanting to go solo. Also feuds between Lauren and yourself for speculations of a personal relationship gone wrong.”

Normani: “ The "feud” between Camila and I is non existent, I love this girl. She is my sister. Like she said we’ve been through a journey together and though I won’t lie there were arguments but those are normal, nobody is 100% happy all the time. Everyone has their disagreements and fights but those can all be solved. Yes her wanting to go solo was a surprise, her debuting her single was an even bigger surprise mostly because we were blindsided by it. We had no idea she had actually laid out a track and was premiering it. When the world found out about the single we did too. It would have been nice to hear directly from her, not a fan who tagged me in the cover art. But it’s not like she avoided us about it, after the fact she got us all together and told us apologized for not having us hear it from her first but she told us and we supported her. Sure I was pissed at first but not to the point that the band would break up over it.“

Ally: "Same here, we would have liked her to have taken a different approach on it but thats really what it came down to. She messed up but she stepped up and took whatever backlash she had to because at the end of the day she’s an artist. We all are and we at times have to fight for the art that we want to express to the world. We as a group have done it for songs on our albums, and she was doing it for her own art. We love Harmonizers we really do, they are the true ride or die fans. But I think that sometimes they forget that we were FORMED into a group. It’s not something any of us initially aspired to be. We all auditioned for X Factor as solo artists, and at the time we fit best as a group and it’s brought us success that has given us the opportunity to be on a platform that we otherwise wouldn’t be in. I personally owe everything to this group." 

Ally smiled and reached over for my hand which I gladly took and squeezed hers as well.

Interviewer: "and what about with management?”

Dinah: “Well as we confirmed with you guys, we were given a different and more equal contract within our same label. With this new contract that the four of us are really excited about it gives us more creative freedom in terms of writing our own songs, more voice in performances and visual ideas for videos. Also with this new contract we are focused and committed to Fifth Harmony as a group but we also are legally able to pursue solo endeavors. Which was verbally told to us in our previous contract but legally we actually couldn’t. That was one of the downfalls our old management had with Camila." 

 Dinah also reached for my hand and I gladly took it. I knew that the girls and I had some unresolved issues we had to speak on and I knew that this would help but wow did I need to hear this from them. I not only reiterated to me their feelings towards me but it showed me how much I missed them. I spent so much time trying to separate myself from the whole "group” thing that I lost my way and lost my friends a little bit. I’m so glad I have them back and that they actually want me back. I couldn’t be happier with them than I am right now, well at least for now. Then the interview took a turn towards relationships. 

Interviewer: “So Lauren how did you feel when your bandmate was getting essentially hate on social media for doing a solo project and then you yourself comes out with a solo project?”

Lauren: “First off, I and we all support Camila 100% and to reiterate what Ally said earlier we all came into this wanting to be solo artists so it’s not crazy to think that eventually we all want to pursue a solo career in whatever field we decide to pursue it in. As for the hate she got on social media I think and she can speak for herself but I think it was the beginning of not feeling like she was a part of this group - she pauses- among other things…. - she composes herself- the fans are a big part of who we are. We wouldn’t be anywhere without our fans, having said that we want the fans to support ALL of us in no matter what we do. We are no strangers to social media, our fans are very hip on keeping us up to date on things even before we are sometimes. - she chuckles looking over to the rest of us -  I didn’t think it was fair to her, she had worked really hard to bring out something that she was proud of and people shitted on it because it didn’t have Fifth Harmony attached to it. I felt hurt for her and I didn’t like it, she knows how we all felt and she and I had a heart of heart about it. At the end of the day we all support each other in whatever we do, Mani with the dances, Camila with her songs, and whatever else we each decide to do.”

Interviewer: “ I love all this, like I said I’m a Harmonizer from day one and this is making me so giddy right now! I love you guys and seeing you all here together and hearing how you guys are stronger than ever even though you are not together as a group anymore but this chemistry is giving me so much life! Speaking of chemistry, can we address ‘Camren’?”

…..

A/N: ahhhh hopefully this is good. let me know!?! - if you want to follow i’m also on wattpad the story on there is called “I needed you guys” follow me on there I’m  @LernJergi_H4rmony

1. do as much good for other people as you can and the same will be returned to you in some way by the universe. or at least just stay neutral. dont be a dick and try to have as much fun as you can

2. extremely important aspect of society, humans need a way to express emotion and the arts is a perfect way. make something beautiful out of what you feel

3. that its okay to feel

4. good fucking question i think maybe just try to put as much of yourself into your work as you can and dont be afraid to be raw and honest about yourself. reveal your flaws. it makes you more human and makes your work more personal

5. work that shows that the artist is not afraid to show everything that goes on in their head is always great work to me

6. i don’t know

7. i try to capture how i feel about what im observing through line and shadow. i like to keep my sketches lose and shaky because it gives me a feeling of imperfection. i like the imperfections of art, you can tell someone really put time into it 

8. its everything i need to make my drawings, my inspirations

9. i cant. its hard to really communicate to people that thought process 

10. simple one. do your work and then do whatever makes you happy for the rest of your time 

11. the people i care about and my animation practice 

12. people help me find inspiration, people give me their love, people show me that its okay to not take everything so seriously, that its okay to just be. most people are focused on their own lives so much, its interesting to see what its like on the outside looking in at just someone walking past me on the street

13. yes

14. someone to give you unconditional support when you need it, and someone to celebrate with you when you deserve to celebrate. love is refusing to let someone go through life alone

15. distance is something that couldve been but was lost on the way

16. quiet, in my own head

17. yes

18. they make everyones experience unique

19. what dis mean

20. i am actively trying to get what i think and feel out on paper in whatever means necessary

21. what

22. almost nothing except we were put here to do what makes us happy 

23. sometimes its overwhelming all of the things around me to feel and process 

24. i tell myself this is not how you want it to end 

25. its a little hypocritical me saying this but be involved with other people, even if its just walking around outside, you dont have to interact with anyone but i think people watching is really great 

26. yes

27. dont base your work on whats happening around you because everything around you always changes, base your work on what happens within you and youlll always be timeless. feelings are always going to be feelings, good or bad

28. focus on others instead of yourself

29. i dont! emptiness is cold

30. human

31. find likeminded people to spend your time with and you wont feel like you have to be someone else. its extremely important to be yourself

32. sometimes you do need to make active decisions yes

33. yes

34. im not one to limit what to think about, thats up to each person 

35. no

36. everyone has desires, doesnt make them right or wrong its just the truth

37. honestly when it comes to other people i feel they have more of an idea of their intent than i do. when it comes to me i am always criticizing and comparing

38. not sure if people want to answer them

39. remember that we are all the same and feel the same things. we all get happy and giggly and full of life, and we all feel deep sadness from time to time

40. remember that everyone has an equally as complex life as you do

41. because everyone sees shallow since its on the surface, depth is something you have to work for

42. i just want to be happy

43. i want to be a gentle soul that tries to help whenever they can

44. with my ears because i cant pay attention

45. what

46. i believe thats called an introduction 

47. because what they have is important to them and they dont want to live like they did before they had it 

48. because it hasnt effected them yet, the past already has

49. care about things that actually matter 

50. because thats how our beings are restrained. we grow old with time

51. love

52. besides food and shelter love and acceptance 

53. let go of the past and look forward to the future

54. i get overwhelmed by too many people in a small space

55. its fun to be a little weird sometimes

56. there are a lot of people who think in similar ways, which isnt good or bad necessarily but sometimes its good to see something new as long as its positive

57. for the most part no

58. through my work

59. i think its good! as long as you arent recreating what someone else has already done. ive been influenced by many people

60. anger, self esteem issues

61. primal, focused only on survival

62. i cant see it i dont think it exists

63. honesty

64. honestly therapy dfkgjh

65. self centered people, people that refuse to truly connect with anyone out of the fear of someone knowing who they are no frills are people who lead poor lives

66. what

67. i dont necessarily detest it, i just think you need to find a balance between material things and spiritual things. not everything is about material things but its okay to like those things. just be reasonable

68. i think you can be happy in almost any situation if you think this way

69. i dont face it because i fear it, it reflects the pain ive had to feel up to this point. once something happens i dont want to bring it back into my head but sometimes it seems i dont have a choice in the matter

70. absolutely. its always good to ask questions

71. i feel somewhat satisfied but far from full 

72. it is but i dont think that person would grow much at all 

73. i think nature itself transcends beauty 

74. to an extent yes

75. i want to move people 

76. expose yourself to as many different experiences as possible to broaden your inspiration

77. because it makes them safe 

78. depends on the thing

79. accept that sometimes things just happen without a reason

80. its not necessary but being remembered is always positive if youve done good in life 

81. stop caring about everything, turn completely inward

82.  what

83. you know yourself by living with yourself. spending time alone you get to know yourself quite well

84. because not everyone should think the same as other people. you experience life completely differently to someone else so opinions should usually reflect that 

85. by spending time together, not necessarily doing something, just being in each others company i find i get attached to people if i can just be with them without needing to do something with them too

86. see 36

87. i think its scary, i cling to the known as do most people i think

88. someone taught them to think that way 

89. if someone goes out of their way to tell you their negative opinion of you or what youre doing then their opinion shouldnt matter to you in the first place because they come from a place of negativity 

90. open and honest, moving, unique and creative

91. what

92. thinking about it inspires you and makes you want to do great

93. keep asking yourself what can you do to be better

94. i believe its a real thing

95. trust and communication

96. you talk to them 

97. people and the environment are both living things, you must treat them with respect and care 

98. free

99. its important to know your tastes

100. people need to constantly be questioning their lives to improve them

So about the 5 of CUPS.  I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things.  I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone.  It is SO great to have a computer again.  I am blessed, I am thankful.  I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy.  Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night.  Not like the others.  A good thing.  She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself.  Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen.  So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush.  I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong.  I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people.  I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year.  I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved.  In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here.  Ayla is the only reason I love.  It is true.  I never loved before her.  I never loved until I became a mother.  And I loved everyone with that love, too.  Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN.  Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it.  It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace.  She is everything.  She is my teacher.  She is SO beautiful.  And I cant stand to see her cry without crying.  That image is burned in my brain.  I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well.  I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home.  I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection.  BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY.  I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me.  I have been unable to attain a living situation.  And it is SO frustrating.  I believe things can get better.  I believe in me.  I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition.  I have been working very hard to be strong.  I have worked very hard to be sober.  Worked to be creative.  Worked to be spiritually sound.  Worked to have greater understanding.  And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc.  It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay.  I am happy.  I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect.  I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure.  I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently.  Im used to it!!!!!!  I accept it.  My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway.  The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard.  Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake.  I feel awful after I eat.  I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again.  I hate eating.  Yet, Im always hungry now it seems.  My weight is 115.  Im on track, perfect weight.  Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan.  Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something.  Ill have to check.  The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”.  It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive.  So happy inside.  I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla.  So forgiveness is there.  I needed THEIR love.  Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey.  No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad.  But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani.  I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her.  She is truly ahead of her time.  I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter.  Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani.  It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money.  What I can do, is be there for them in other ways.  In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are.  It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too.  And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically.  I have to reiterate that.  She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her.  I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me.  I have struggled with the selfishness of that.  I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him.  IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing.  The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke.  I am still struggling.  Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down.  Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey.  Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally.  I know this.  Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge.  Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen.  Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect.  That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote.  I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away.  It must make it off the page and into something shareable.  I write too much to keep throwing it away.  It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it.  Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing.  it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled.  I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up.  but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else.  I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad.  Its really simple when you realize.  You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really.  I still do it.  I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for.  I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader...  i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt. 

im in a hotel with amanda in canmore writing this in bed with my eyes closed

im thikning about how i need to get better in various ways like

i need a job

i think i should.want tovolunteer at cjsw, which means first i hae to contact them and then go to an orientation

i want to feel good with amanda and i want her to feel good ith me

maybe i need to smoke less weed

why am i like stck 

it feels like i’m frozen or something

or not frozen but 

im stalled

or on the fence or something

about what? maybe on the ence is the wrong way o say it

what am i even saying

it’s like i want to say “it feels like there is osomthing wrong wiht me” but like im afraid to say something like that

i want to be able to say “i feel like im good at art” but 

art

music

am i good at that stuff?  my dedication and self-dicipline have , perhaps its fair to say , maye they’ve been lacking or in short suply over the years

i hae put a lot of time and effort   ,,,, and money! ,,, into )ugh i have that  i wrote moneytlike that but im still in the dark with mey eyes closed so i can’t backspace it _ gghhgh

gh

gh

im like

i feel pretty proud of the progress ive made with msic

i’ve always had the passion but my skills and inderstanding and all that , it wasn’t there

i was pretty bad at it i think probably actually ugh 

i dont like thinking  like that it doesnt feel good to like feel bad ugh lol

i think ive come a long way anyway

i think maybe ? i had more of an innate tallent for for art maybe?

maybE?

it came easier i think

but i didin’t stick with it

like seriously its like my life is a series of almost starting things

i left my kids

and was unable

was unable?

to push through all of the anxiety and fear and terror )terror?_) 

yeah i was fucking so afraid i felt like i could hardly move or breathe

i ocouldn’t push trhough it 

or like, get over myself?

to be there for them

yet i’ve hung on to it

i want to have been there

i want to be there

and yet i don’t

i’m n lsjkf

saglaskgj

i’m not

i’m not there

and i can’t let it go

and like

the art thing

i got into it and took to it naturally and got into art school

although i must admit

because i was 

wasa ?

i anyway i wonder now

did i have the tallent myself to get in?

because there were those figure drawings of nad’s that she let me put in the portfolio

to ensure my acceptance

because i didn’t have figure drawings

and i was with her daughter, i ghesS?

fuck

anyway i didn’t go to art school

i’ve just been like smoking pot and trying to get laid and having reckless relationships and making bad decisions and doing a lot of drugs and drinking and just aimlessly going

and here i am

ncertain and felling ill-positioned and ill-equipped to deal with it

i often question my existance and my experience and reality 

and i dont know what the fuck like

am i crazy

because i feel confused and scared and threatened

i isolate myself

like i cna’t get enough time alone

even though i spen basically all of my time alone

and i have this like longing to connect with people

but the actual experience of being with people is so like draining and exhausting and hard to deal with and mmaybe like sometimes or even often like not even like a good time?

like, a drag, man

and what am i

and where am i

like i mean i know im in bed in canmore in this weird hotel where the lightswitches are like down at mid thigh level for some reason? and the peep-hole in the door is also extremely low? like i had to stoop considerably to peep

but what is life

like, life, man

ugh pfff

guh

its just like

how can i make sense of all the information i take in about the world aroudn me, and how can i find my berrings in th

in wa;haracteristic of my behavior, or like would it be fair to describe it like, when the going tets tough, i bail?  i feel like there may be some truth in that

god am i like super evasive?

and like so ... hesitant?  the first wordi thought was squeemish

to like

commit

just keep on moving

running away

and i want to say like “and always trying to save the day” but idk if that’s tru tho, like, i just watched a dr who episode and that’s basically his character

not like all that stuff aforementioned,

just the part , the running, and the trying to save the day

have i just been going wherever the going is easy?

is all of this shit a cop out?

i’m on medication

and like

ok ok

two meds, welbutrin and concerta

and i have bene taking dexedrine also because i feel like the concerta is not enough

and i have all this dex i sourced illicitly

the other two are persrribed

rn i can’t even twll if i’m like just caught up in some fucking web of lies and self delusion and i’m just a fucking drug addict who is tring to escape reality

running away from the hard tstdifficult stuff, the gugly stuff, the unfortunate, the unpleasant, 

i’m only very recently

now i’m thirty three just recently mind you 

who am i talking to this is a locked tumblr

so im talking to me i guess

if i ever read this

i’m probly cringing

if i’m anything like i have been, lately?

my heart sinks when i wrote that

and im like torn, about being completely honest with my counselor and my pschiatrist about the dex

because im afraid that they will think im a drug addict or like a user or abuser or something

because like

it feels like it makes it better

but thats what it feels like when u get a fix for your thing right

a fix of

or whatever

but then like

what am i missing?

i’m not sure if that’s the case or what’s the cause but like, here i am

ddid i write cause up there if i did i meant case

k

like

here i am

idk if any of this makes sense

because i’mnot looking at it

just like streaming it out

is it fair to say that, i’ve stuck with music?

like there’s been this dogged persistance

like a stubborn refusal to accept that i had no tallent for it 

that i was bad at it

like did i want to be arock star or something?

i cant even handle the extreme minimal ammount of attention it seems

but like

do i want, admiration?

recogntion?  aproval, respect, esteem

my friends were all better at it than me

having been in band, i just picked up the bass to be in a punk band and i played the our notes and like didn’t understand anything but all this....something

passion?  energy?  

is it more focused now, or is there less of it

dik if its like that

kids are like that, full of spunk

right?

spunk gross

energy

zest wtf

vigour

vigor

spirit

but like

every time a path is laid out before me

like i got into art school, i just had to do it

but its like

i dont do it

and yet with music

it’s not a path

it’s like this fucking awful terrain

or even like, a wall or something

and yet that’s where  for some reason it seems for whatever reason i’m pursuing making music

just keep on going htat way

inching along

i probably know less about music theory now than my friends did coming out of highshool

but i’m becoming a pretty ,,good?  

music producer

im getting better anyway

for the first time im like finishing

songs

and feeling good about them

proud of them

listening to them over time and not feeling ashamed of them

and feeling like

i’m achieving someting

even though

no

one

hears my music

cares about it

and like i guess thats on me right

i dont share it

i hide it

as if like what

am i waiting for the people closest to me to express an interest in it?

maybe that would be nice but

thats not it

its like

its like

i dont wan t to show it, if its not good

show

share

present

 put out there

slkhg;aslkgj

like where am i reletive to everyhting or something?

who am i and what am i supposed to be doing

because like

is it fair to say that when the going gets tough 

what was i saying

has it been c

ok so i have been writing for so long with the screen off but it hasn’t been being typed

fuck this stupid shit anyway

Dr. Keith Ablow: Seventeen ways to improve your life in 2017

FILE —  (AP)

Last year, as 2016 debuted, I published, 16 ways to improve your life. The year before that, I published 15 ways to improve your life. You get the idea. The tradition continues this year, with the addition of number 17. Ive also added bits and pieces to some of the 16 items from last year, just to keep you on your toes.

New Years resolutions often lose their power so quickly and completely that they have become cliché. But there are real, easily achieved ways to positively impact your life beginning January 1.

Heres your cheat sheet of 17 for 2017. They arent in any particular order, so you can pick any one to start with. 

If you complete just five, youll notice a demonstrable improvement in your existence. But if you get through nine of them, you could remake your life.

1. Try to recall one dream you had as a kid whether it was being a poet or a rock drummer or a multimillionaire stock trader and take just a single step in that direction. So often, the ideas we had as children were good ones, and we abandoned them out of fear. The step in the direction of your childhood dream can be very modest signing up for a symposium on poetry, scheduling a single drum lesson, buying a DVD on stock trading. Even just telling two people about your quiet dream can move it forward.  Frozen dreams have a way of thawing out rapidly when you warm them just a tiny bit.

2. Think of your life story, going all the way back to infancy, as an autobiographical book that you can hold in your hands. Now, imagine which page or paragraph you are tempted to tear out and remove from the story. That page or paragraph might be the one that makes you feel profoundly sad or powerless or guilty or ashamed. Next, share it with someone who knows you well but has never heard about that event or phase in your life. Being willing to disclose the events in life we want to turn a blind eye to takes away the power those events have over us.

3. Give a meaningful gift to a friend of yours on a random day not his birthday or her anniversary or Christmas. Giving gifts on those days is fine, but that isnt the same as an unexpected, unscheduled gift. Those are the ones that feel riskier to give and have more power to bond you to others who receive them. And thats because theyre real and independent expressions of friendship, affection, admiration or love.

4. Send handwritten notes to three people you admire most in the world, no matter how powerful or famous, tell them sincerely exactly why you admire them and ask to meet for 10 minutes. Theres a real chance one of them will take you up on the offer. And that one meeting could change you, because great energy is contagious and being in the company of it can stay with you.

5. Give some amount (no matter how small) to the charity you care most about. Giving is a miracle, because it helps others while also telling your unconscious mind that yours is a life of abundance, not scarcity. And that invites more treasures into your existence.  Heres one I just gave to, which I happen to know is completely legit and does great work:  kulturecity.org.

6. Stop telling yourself you love people just because you grew up with them. This is a big one, but a really important one. Did your parents and siblings earn your love by unconditionally loving you as a child? If so, great. But if youve been wishing that had been the case and have felt unwilling to let the dream of having had unconditionally loving parents or siblings slip away, then loosen your grip. If the people you grew up with werent focused on helping you stay true to yourself, then admit it to yourself. You might stop unconsciously recruiting people just like them into your life.

7. Schedule an initial psychotherapy session. Psychotherapy is the gold standard way to begin to get to know yourself more deeply. In a world of distractions and depersonalization, it remains the technique most reliably focused on restoring your connection to your true self. Hopefully, that first session will convince you of the power of psychotherapy to change your life, and youll schedule more. No one with the financial ability to be in psychotherapy should deny himself or herself that transformational opportunity.

8. Get angry about something unfair, say so out loud and dont stand for it. Anger gets a really bad rap in our culture; its accused of everything from destroying people spiritually to causing heart attacks. But suppressed anger can be more toxic. When youre offended by something you hear about in the news or you see unfolding in your personal life, try saying so, in no uncertain terms, when youre asked about it or maybe even if you arent. For those of you who have been living lives of quiet frustration, letting yourselves be very direct and very mad about something that sincerely outrages you can start to crack the shell that has your most powerful self inside it.

9. Take two minutes to think about life as a labyrinth. Mazes are built to frustrate people and get them lost. Theyre full of dead ends designed to make people give up and call for helicopters to pluck them out. Not so with labyrinths. Labyrinths may wind this way and that way. They may take you far from where you thought you were heading. But they always, always lead to the center. And thats what life is like. Keep walking, keep your faith and life will take you where you are supposed to go. The turn toward the center could be just a few steps away, when you least expect it.

10. Try praying, at least once. If you havent prayed ever or havent prayed lately, youll discover that the act of praying for what you care deeply about has the effect of reminding you what that thing or those things really are. It also has the effect of reminding you that there is a great power in the universe that you are a part of. Theres something interesting about praying; even people who say they dont believe in God are loathe to pray for the opposite of what they really want. How come? Is it because that, underneath all that cynicism, they actually do believe?

11. Read “Franny and Zooey” by J.D. Salinger, “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield, Self Creation by the great psychologist George Weinberg (used copies available online), “Blue Dog” by George Rodrigue, or “Fear God and Take Your Own Part,” by Theodore Roosevelt (or, even better, all five). These five volumes have the power to transform people, and I keep handing them out to patients and friends (along with please forgive the narcissism my book, “Living the Truth”).  If youre really short on time or intention, just read the Afterword to a later edition of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert Pirsig.

12. Buy one piece of original art. It doesnt need to be expensive. It just needs to appeal to you. Why? Because art is the antidote to our sometimes sterile, technologically driven culture. It makes humanity go viral in a way that YouTube cant. It also confirms your connection to things that cant be measured like your personal vision of beauty.  A good alternative is to create a piece of art.  Just be sure to buy yourself the proper brushes or paints or glue or wood to create it.  That will be a signal to yourself that you value what you are manifesting.

13. Watch the movie “Miracle,” with Kurt Russell. This film about the 1980 U.S. Olympic mens hockey team defeating Russias team is so good, it can convince you to take on the next great challenge in your life. I dont know anyone who has watched it and been unaffected by it.  Also watch the closing argument by Paul Newman at the end of the film “The Verdict,” the scene of Sylvester Stallone and Talia Shire on the beach in “Rocky III,” the monologue by Al Pacino toward the end of the film “The Scent of a Woman” and any performance of God Bless the USA by Lee Greenwood.  They can help make you a better person.  No kidding.

14. Tell your romantic partner one thing you would find exciting that you have not yet told that person. In my experience as a therapist, Ive found that people can remain strangers to one another, in terms of passion, even after 10 or 20 years of marriage. We keep sexual secrets. Let one out. You can write it down and pass it to your partner as a note, like we did back in grade school, before cell phones.  You can text it using a confidential messaging app like Wickr.  See what happens. Take the risk.

15. Stand up for someone else. Youll have the opportunity in 2017. I promise. Maybe in your home. Maybe in your neighborhood. Maybe at work. Maybe online. Defending someone will reassure that person and empower you.

16. Take 17 minutes to pretend that you are speaking to yourself, from the heart, as though you are your own ideal parent.  You can do this out loud, if you have the stage presence, or silently.  An ideal parent is empathetic, but honest in assessing his child and giving that child advice.  Sit yourself down, get very quiet and, then, tell yourselfwith the same care you would summon for a son or daughtertwo things you really admire about yourself and one very limiting, very disappointing thing about yourself you really wish you would try to change, because it could limit the whole rest of your life.  That one thing should be so searingly on-target and so necessary that it has the power to make you angry, make you anxious, bring you to tears or bring you to your knees.  Focusing about twice as long (say, 10 minutes) on the admirable qualities is something youd do for your kid, to take the sting out of the next 7 minutes, so do that for yourself.  And keep in mind that 17 minutes is a long time. Youll be tempted to avoid it or shorten it. But, you shouldnt.

17.  If you are a parent, resolve to mimic a habit I stumbled upon, when my kids were younger.  It really helps me stay balanced during times that might, otherwise, cause me lots of stress.  Here it is:  Whenever I get a phone call or an email or a text from someone telling me a project of mine or a goal or a relationship has hit a rough patch, I tell myself, silently, Yeah, well this isnt like a pediatrician calling me. What I mean is that, short of bad news about a child of mine, coming from a pediatrician (or, if your kids are older, like mine, an internal medicine doctor), nothing can really rock me. Because all of us parents know exactly how much time we would have for what seem like the big problems of our day or our week, if the phone rang, and a doctor on the other end said something like, Can I ask where you are? Because Ive seen your son, and I have something serious to talk with you about.  Id like you to come in.  Id have no time for all my other so-called problems, and neither would you.  So, things are actually better than we actually realize, most all of the time.

So, there are your 17 keys to making 2017 a transformational year.  I give them to you with the certain knowledge that you still have, inside you, all the wonderful potential you did the very first day you were born.  You havent lost one bit of it.  Its all there, just waiting for you to discover it.

Dont delay. Start on the list January 1, and by this time next year, God willing, youll be ready for the 18 steps for 2018. Life is like that: a never-ending process of self-improvement.

Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatrist and member of the Fox News Medical A-Team. 

Read more: http://fxn.ws/2iBzmPc

from Dr. Keith Ablow: Seventeen ways to improve your life in 2017