#ive been working on this since july omg | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ratabethchase · 1 year

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I posted 19,126 times in 2022

That's 4,359 more posts than 2021!

51 posts created (0%)

19,075 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@existentialvoidofexistence

@jelly-pies

@ironghostie

@wouldthehill

@an-odd-idea

I tagged 461 of my posts in 2022

#ask - 10 posts

#asks - 9 posts

#slay - 3 posts

#<3 - 3 posts

#percy jackson - 3 posts

#!!! - 2 posts

#i dont want him to think its not in a bro way and i dont even know how much physical contact we have even had but. like. yearning dude. - 2 posts

#nice - 2 posts

#the 1 by taylor swift - 2 posts

#i have three windows open at all times - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#friendly reminder that space junk in orbit that is more than 10 cm in width (i think) can do incredible domino effect-like damage. and this

My Top Posts in 2022:

TAYLOR SWIFT WROTE MASTERMIND ABOUT ANNABETH CHASE

9 notes - Posted October 22, 2022

JUST READ UR BIO WHEN WAS UR BIRTHDAY???????

OMG SLAY!! MY BIRTHDAY IS 6TH OF SEPTEMBER AND SINCE IM AUSTRALIAN THAT MEANS ITS 6/9 😎😎😎😎😎😎

9 notes - Posted October 20, 2022

neurotypical friends do not understand

26 notes - Posted May 1, 2022

woah woah woah! i might delete this a bit later cause i think im gonna work on it some more tomorrow but. still reeling over that fact i made this.

[ID: two similar glass cups of tea next to each other. the one on the left is a reference photograph for a painting on the left. the reference has a big leaf in the cup and a simple background whereas the left does not have either. the painting has two hearts above it, one brownish-pink and the other green.]

26 notes - Posted June 10, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

ten songs i love by different artists

omg thank you @existentialvoidofexistence for tagging me!! i was very close to reblogging your post just to be an asshole but you're lucky <3

Stand Tall from Julie and the Phantoms

I could listen to this song a million times and i would literally never stop going absolutely bonkers at it. I love it so so much dude i need to rewatch jatp

2. Hate Myself by dodie

just. such a good song. i struggled to pick a dodie song because i love all of them so much but this was the first to come to mind

3. Bad Reputation by Joan Jett

This is such a headbanger and i have been listening to it recently bc my band might do a cover of it which will be fun. i dont know if i can sing like joan jett though

4. That's Not My Name by The Ting Tings

i have no idea how i even found out about this song but it goes so hard .

5. Madison by Orla Gartland

madison is my proof to my irls that i listened to orla gartland before heartstopper because when i was writing my english creative piece i had it stuck in my head so i named the two characters madison and orla.

6. Waiting in the Wings from Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure

legit have not even seen this show. i just watched this animatic on youtube and i have been hooked on it ever since. it just makes me Feel Things.

7. Real Gone by Sheryl Crow

the song from cars. my brother has watched cars so much out loud that i have grown to love this song. my teacher also saw me listening to it once and got excited that i also liked sheryl crow

8. My Tennessee Mountain Home by Dolly Parton

omg showing off that broad music taste. country music gets so much slander and for what. i love this song so much.

9. 1985 by Bo Burnham

slaps.

10. Bright Lights Bigger City/Magic from Pitch Perfect

i am obsessed with pitch perfect. it is so misogynistic and so feminist at the same time.

honestly though. these are just the most recent songs ive listened to lol!

no pressure tags for some mutuals and some people i see in my notes quite often:

@yaznomarbles @woweejoeyrichter @wands-n-lillies @ironghostie @guyhusbands @franken-pigeon @hillerska-official @fluencca @an-odd-idea @wouldthehill @whyare-youlooking

@insanitysmiles @comradebacterium @auaddict @bluedragonbaby @coffeeflavoredtears525600 @cowboy-lesbian @darkarfs @murkat @brorphine @repetitive-tautology

jeez that was a lot more tags than i thought i would do but. yeah. do it or dont do it

34 notes - Posted June 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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mint-murder-parties · 6 months

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omg murder mystery 3 is out now !!!!1! this is my passion project and ive been working on this specific mystery since july omg im free now i get to do it all over again yippee

#MMP #MintMurderParties #MurderMystery #HistoricalFiction #MMPIII #MintMurderParties3 #im free from my own sisyphean task

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eedenuwu · 7 months

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omg more ocs

originally drawled on ibis back in july and it's all ive been working on w csp since. art block is crazy

#art #digital art #clip studio paint #original character

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austinwehaveaproblem · 10 months

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day 4!!

today I thought id talk about by hyperfixations in general like how I feel they work. btw I think I should clarify that I have adhd! anyway typing and telling you this makes me want to read up more on research about how people with adhd hyperfixations work. so this is basically a timeline of that ig? id say ive always been a taylor swift fan for a longgg time like since I was 4. but id say that the hardcore swiftie thing started in April 2021. and ive been this way since then. other than that in june 2022 the måneskin thing started intensely which is of course why I'm here now!! from then on it was and intense thing of MÅNESKIN MÅNESKIN AHHHH -> SABRINA CARPENTER OMFG in July 2022 (shoutout to eics turning one year omg) -> JOSHUA BASSETT OMFG NEW MUSIC OCTOBER WEDNESDAYS THE FANDOM WAS FLOURISHING!! -> and then someday in november, I dont remember the reason why but i was like "I should try checking out that band waterparks that austin mentioned again" so I DID and ohhh boy. I sat down and listened to fandom and entertainment I think? do you ever feel it coming on? like I'll get chills and goosebumps and it takes over my thoughts. so anyway that was one of those moments. like remember that post with awstens name censored? that was the start of this. and ive been this way for months. also theres my hobbie hyperfixations like making jewelery, doing my hair is the latest one (what im doing rn) also if I get into a book enough I can finish it in no time. anyway thats that!! just wanted to write this down!! sorry for typos

ooh! i have a kinda... i mean, decaydance is my spint obviously but i sorta cycle through bands i guess? like... cobra began in late 2020/early 2021, tai during that summer, cobra again, i don't keep that much track of what brainrot i have when but i've gone through gch, p! (be glad you didn't know me in 2018), trs, ths, millionaires, aaand yeah >o> i did realize i also had bandom (like,,,, not just the whole thing but specifically the fandom bits) as a spint during late spring last year and was both reading and writing a lot of fic and um yeah. my spint(s?) is like... it's all tied together but also they're three different interests to me (fob, dcd, bandom) and i can't always lump them together despite regular (and inherent) crossovers

#sophiescates #austin's asks #daily you do whatever you want

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hybeboyenthusisast · 1 year

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get to know me game!!!

Tagged by @ashxxkook

Birthday: February 15th

Favorite Color: pastel pink

Do you have any pets?: 2 dogs and 1 cat <3

How tall are you?: 5'1!

How many pairs of shoes do you own?: idk, a lot

Favorite song: if i had to choose ONE song, probably July by Noah Cyrus.

Favorite movie: toss up between The Nun and The Shallows. i absolutely LOVE shark movies

Who would be your ideal partner?: well, my current partner. i love my boyfriend so much <3

Do you want children?: yes!! boys or girls, many or just one, I want to be a mother SO BAD.

Have you gotten in trouble with the law?: no im a good girl

What color socks are you wearing?: im not wearing socks right now but yesterday i wore pink socks for work

Favorite type of music: idk, kpop i guess?

How many pillows do you sleep with?: 2, sometimes 3. I sleep with my head on one pillow, another pillow between my knees or under my knees (depending on my position), and sometimes a pillow between my arms. i like cuddling something while i sleep, having something in my arms

What position do you sleep in?: most natural position is sleeping on my right side, but my cat sleeps on the left side of the bed, so its become my norm to sleep on my left side with my left arm out so my boy can come and cuddle

What don’t you like when you’re sleeping?: my cat waking me up because he wants food.. he only eats if he is being petted, and its so annoying at 3 am lol

What do you have for breakfast?: honey nut cheerios

Have you tried archery?: no

Favorite fruit?: KIWI I FUCKING LOVE KIWI

Are you a good liar?: i wanna say no, but that itself is a lie. i was a chronic liar as a kid and even now, my mom will occasionally ask me if im lying about something ive told her LOL

What’s your personality type?: INFP, i think im cool : have a link

Innie or Outtie?: deep innie lol

Left handed or Right handed?: right handed

Favorite food: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i really like taco bell

Favorite foreign food?: as an immigrant, i'm choosing a dish from my home county and my parents' culture. it's a desert, kinda like donuts. Koeksisters. they're so delicious

Am i clean or messy?: a clean messy, my room is a mess but i know where things are

Most used phrase: no goddamn idea LMAO i asked three of my best friends, two of them had no idea, one answered with 'omg'

How long does it take for you to get ready?: depends on what im getting ready for. for work? 10 minutes maybe. for a date night where im getting all cute n shit? maybe 30 to 45 minutes

Do you talk to yourself?: yeah, in my head a lot, but to my cat who obviously can't really understand or answer. i also will go through make believe conversations under my breath or try accents under my breath

Do you sing to yourself?: i just sing in general, whether there's anyone listening or not

Are you a good singer?: id like to say so. i was in choir in school for like, 8 years?

Biggest fear: ......................butterflies. i dont know, ive just been terrified since i was a LITERAL baby, and even though ive tried to get over it, i fucking cannot. a butterfly comes near me, im yeeting my leg up in the air and bringing my foot down to smash that bitch.

Do you like long hair or short hair?: on me? only ever really had long hair or medium hair but ive been thinking about a pixie cut lately.

Favorite school subject: i was always really good at english and math, but geometry can suck my dick

Extrovert or Introvert?: introvert but im a natural flirt

What makes you nervous?: everything, i have generalized anxiety disorder

Who was your first real crush?: i had a crush on this boy named Lucas and I think also this guy named Christian?? when i was in like, 1st grade. i moved before i started 2nd grade so i dont really remember them and i didnt know them as i grew up. next real crush was also a guy named christian, after i moved to the city i still live in. i was like, OBSESSED with this dude. we had that little childhood romance where we were 'dating' and would hang out on the playground, and when he suddenly broke up with me i was devastated.

there's more drama with this same dude as we grew up but aaaaaaaaaa we dont gotta go into that

How many piercings?: uhhh 3. both ears pierced once, and i pierced my nose myself. i want more but, yeah, dont have them yet

How many tattoos?: 2. a heart on the back of my right shoulder, got it with my mom. then i have a feather on my right ribcage and MF IT WAS THE WORST PAIN I HAVE EVER FELT. you'd have to get me drunk or numb me up before i get that tattoo colored in or get another tattoo on my ribs.

How fast can you run?: idfk???

What color is your hair?: dark brown, lots of people think its black but, its not

What color are your eyes?: brown

What makes you angry?: easiest and fastest way to make me angry is to bring up or WORSE, FUCKING PRAISE, the movie Ready Player One. the FUCKING NOVEL IS AMAZING AND THE AUTHOR SOLD HIS FUCKING SOUL FOR A MOVIE DEAL.

Do you like your name?: eh. im used to it. there really isn't any other name that i've ever been like "i want this to be my name", at least not since i was in middle school.

Do you want a boy or a girl as a child?: either <3 id love my kiddo wholeheartedly.

What are your strengths?: is this an interview wtf man i wasnt prepared--- um, i guess that i care so much about other people, and im generally not afraid to do something that isnt the norm or popular.

What are your weaknesses?: i care too much, sometimes. i'll think with my heart instead of my brain.

What’s the color of your bedspread?: right now its like cream with red flowers

Color of your room: one wall is black, the other four are a pretty sky blue (yes i have 5 walls)

whoever sees this and wants to do it, GO FOR IT baby.

i'll tag @boba-beom @igotkpoops and i hope neither of u are annoyed by my tagging u <3

#tag game #cait's chat

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perfectlyillogic · 2 years

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THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN…B.L.O.O.M

OMG y’all, this is my first attempt at gardening. I’ve been growing some tomatoes and basil since Easter 2022. Side note, I also started with Spinach but i think i drowned them with too much water as seedlings; therefore they didn’t grow.

Anywho, tonight upon arriving home from work, I checked on my plant babies as I usually do daily. Except this week I have been extremely swamped at work and lazy at home care. Don’t judge me, judge your mama. Isn’t that what they say now days?! Anyway, I fell behind for 2 days. I know because Ive been an anxious gardener, transplanting, watering, watching Youtube to ensure Im doing it right; watering, pruning, watching YouTube to ensure I’m doing it right. Safe to say Ive been too ready to see some fruit of my labor even though germination is not projected to happen until the end of July 2022.

However, tonight I came home and checked on my plants immediately….and guess what?! Houston WE HAVE BLOOMING!! All of a sudden, I have two flowers blooming and I couldn’t be more in awe! I’m amazed at how all this time I’ve been watching, hoping, and grumbling at times because I was ready for some action. And after just going with the flow of life these last 2 days…BLOOM THERE IT IS! TWO…not one but two flowers blooming!! Ahhh, I’m so happy and in awe.

I’m laying here thinking, “Isn’t that just like life tho?!” We can be working hard towards that one thing. Thinking, “If I can just get this ______ straight, then I’ll be happy.” Or we say, “if these things line up, then I’ll be good.” And we zone in. We focus. We DO THE WORK. We invest hours in learning and unlearning; then unlearning and learning….anxiously awaiting the fruit of our labor. Sound like anyone you know? Sounds like ME!

We do all of this, but the truth of the matter is that we do not begin our blooming season until we learn to flow with life. Flow with the ups, the downs, and all the in between stuff….knowing there is a projected time of germination. Meaning there is a timing God has already set for the fruits of our labor. Fruit is already a done deal, especially when you know you’ve done the work.

My plant babies taught me a beautiful lesson tonight. And that is, be anxious for nothing, but in all thing go with God’s flow; fruit will will come in it’s time, but in the meantime BLOOM BABY BLOOM‼️

#blooming #godsplan #transplant #fruit of the spirit #fruit #gardening

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in-the-dollpalace · 3 years

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Rating Kirsten’s entire collection

That’s right folks, its time for another rating post! As you all know by now, I’m going in order of the year they take place, so it is Kirsten’s time to shine!

I admit that I’ve been putting this one off because of how absolutely massive her collection is (for the bigger collections it takes me an hour or two to do the whole thing) But i finally decided to do it.

Once again, these are my own opinions. If you don’t agree, thats okay! Please dont leave hate for it.

alright lets get started!

Doll and meet stuff

1: Kirsten and her meet outfit

Doll: 9/10 a bit average looking and blends in to the background when with the rest of the many blonde dolls, BUT she was was the OG blonde and blue eyed doll before any of the others were even a thought, so I stan her anyway

Outfit: 10/10 I love the apron, I love the boots, and I love the braids!

2: Meet accessories

10/10 I am aboslutely in love with the little necklace and the real wooden spoon!

School Collection

1: school dress

10/10 I LOVE the shawl! The dress is so simple but it works so well!!!

2: School lunch

10/10 I had the exact same food for lunch the other day funny enough. I wondered where my brain came up with the idea to put summer sausage, apple, bread, and cheese together, but now I remember. i can confirm it is delicious.

3: slate and school supplies

11/10 very simple, yet cute. extra point because i heard the slate actually works

4: school bench

10/10 idk if this is supposed to be her desk ( i havnt read her books yet) but it is so cute omg

Holiday collection

1: Saint lucia gown

8/10 great way to show the fact she is swedish, and swedish traditions! But there is the fact that it was only the gown, nothing else pictured. The wreath and doll were sold seperatly, making the whole outfit very pricey. You guys already know that i hate when they pull that.

2: st lucia wreath

8/10 like I said above, it should have been sold with the gown. On a related note, idk how the hell people have the guts to walk around with lit candels on thier heads in real life.

3: St lucia tray

10/10 I’ve always wanted to try those types of buns

4: Kirsten’s doll

11/10 Yep, you all have heard this before, but I. love. dolls. for. dolls.

Birthday collection

1: Birthday dress

100/10 .... I am speechless, I am going to have an asthma attack because its beauty is taking my breath away.

2: Friendship quilt

10/10 It reminds me of the quilts my grandma used to make

3: Birthday treats

10/10 omg so pretty

4: pottery

8/10 its cute

5: Trestle table and chairs

8/10 it is a very cute little set, but I like the second version with the flowers painted on it better (original version pictured here)

6: mama cat and kittens

7/10 awww lil baby kitty!! I only put seven out of ten for this one because the first version was very... weird looking and i can see why they changed them (third version pictured here)

Summer collection

1: Summer dress and hat

8/10 Aw I love the hat so much! But, as you all have probaby deduced by my other rating posts, I don’t really like dresses with vertical stripes.

2: Red boots

9/10 they are so, so, cute! But I think they kinda clash with the rest of the outfit

3: Fishing set

10/10 this is the first time ive seen AG make fish so far. I really like the poles too.

4: fouth of july fun

10/10 Love this historical flag, and the honeypots are so adorable!

Winter collection

1: winter skirt and blouse

10/10 I love the floral belt and the matching ribbons, and I think the boots go much better with this outfit.

2: knit wollens

10/10 looks so warm and cozy!

3: winter pastimes

10/10 I like the paper dolls, but I would give this 10/10 just for the snow shoes alone tbh. (EDIT: apparently AG though the same because they eventually retired this set and replaced it with just the snow shoes lmfao)

4: Carpet bag

10/10 I forgot how popular carpet bags were during kirsten’s time, since they have come back in style more than a few times after that. Mary Poppins anyone?

Nighttime collection

1: Nightgown

10/10 I always love a good opportunity to see Kirsten’s hair down

2: Housecoat and sockor

7/10 I’m not really a big fan of this idk why.

3: Bed

7/10 where is her bedding? (EDIT: I just relized you are supposed to use her birthday quilt. They still should have sold them together)

4: Wash stand

10/10 I like the rosemaling

5: Nighttime necessities

10/10 I love the little book!

6: Trunk

6/10 I usually really like trunks but this one is not doing it for me, I just dont like it.

Extra outfits

1: Ice skating outfit

10/10 super cute, but I’ve been skating before and I know homegirl is gonna get hot AF in that.

2: Checked dress and apron

10/10 This outfit is everything to me

3: plaid dress and shawl

10/10 I love the type of ruffly neckline they used (idk what its called) they should have used shawls in her collection alot more.

4: Swedish dirmdl and kerchief

10/10 Great to see them show more traditional swedish dress, and what she would have worn back home before she came to america.

5: work dress

10/10 I adore that peter pan collar! That is an... interesting way to style her hair, but i also kinda like it.

6: Midsommar dress

10/10 another great showing of swedish traditions. I love, love, love the ruffles on the bottom!

7: Baking outfit

8/10 I like it, but listen yall. I KNOW that clogs are traditional in nordic countries, but the pointy shoes with the striped socks make her look like santa’s elf 😭

One more thing i wrap things up, I am super ticked that they didn’t make her dog. I didn’t even know he existed until someone asked about them when I made my pet post. #justice for whatever her dogs name is

All that saltieness aside, I hope you enjoyed this post! If you did, make sure to stick around until next time!

#kirsten larson #historical dolls #american girl #american girl doll #rating american girl dolls

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changminurheart · 2 years

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what the bell i was off tumblr since my exams were going on and i come here and see you on my tl and ydk how it urged to scream at 3:33 in the morning IM CONVINCED IM A LOSWE. i missed youuu

<333333 :))))) hi anvi !!!!!! :))))) <33333

hi pretty !! hi omg :) its been a while since ive spoken to my favourite person on this little app i hope youre doing wonderful gorgeous and these exams havent tired you out !! that youre still taking care of yourself and remembering that a set of exams does not prove your worth and keep your chin up chickie !! hope it all went awesomely well and im proud of you !! YOURE NOT A LOSER I MISSED YOU MORE i cant even remember being on here. life’s been a little tricky im still working on myself and school and if all goes well im off to uni in september which i really hope it all goes well so i just pop in occassionally like last month and today and idk when next but ill be back in the summer around july hopefully? how have you been precious ! ?

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h0neyjaehyun · 3 years

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☁︎ 𝐒𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞 ☁︎

Summary // When Doyoung meets Talia for the first time.

Characters // Talia Flores + Kim Doyoung ( ft.Jeno Lee, Mark Lee, Taeyong Lee, Johnny Suh, Ten Lee.)

Era / Year // July 2014

Word Count //

Note // For their birthdays Im gonna post how they first met❤ on that note HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOYOUNG ❤❤❤

Doyoung's first Impression of Tali, was she was really talented. She thought to be around Jungwoo's age or born in 1997-1998 since she was quite mature in a way. As in her body, as many people judge from physical appearance what Doyoung got from Tali was she was teen who is very talented. He didn't think she was 14 years old.

He had heard about her around when she first month she came, how talented she was with her voice, and her visuals aswell. He didn't pay much mind to it at first, but after 3rd month when some of the boys got a chance to see her talent and they were just talking about her non stop. So thats when he got curious but never really found the right moment to talk to her.

Thats when she had some class change ups, and now she attended his vocal class. It was more just a study on how vocals work than actually using them. After awhile Doyoung heard her voice and he was surprised at her vocal range. But what he didn't know that Tali really admired him for his voice and really wanted his tips so one thing came to another and she had the courage to finally talk to him and ask him for some tips.

"What?"

Doyoung asked really astonished.

"Can you help me with my vocals?" Tali said again but now less confident that he will say yes. Doyoung noticed her getting discouraged, he got himself together.

"Yes of course what do you need help with?" He said with a reassuring smile. Tali lit up with relief.

"Ive been having trouble with pronouncing some words, I've been in Korea for a long time...it's just, I don't always speak Korean." She said sheepishly, hinting that she has been speaking more english and other lanuages and getting tongue twisted with some words.

"Ah okay, I understand, here." He sat next to her. Helping her though all the words.

"May I ask why it seems like you can pronounce them just fine?" He questioned as she seems to pronounce the words quite well.

"Ah, you see my last score on my evaluation were lowered because of my pronunciation of some words. I thought it was because I've been speak more English but I think its just my accent."

"Your accent?" He questioned.

"Yeah, uh when I was younger, I lived in Busan which I got a satori accent but I moved to Seoul but I visit Busan very month so I picked up that accent, but I think they want me to change that." She said a little sad since she actually liked having an accent. Doyoung saw her sadness.

"Shh, its fine, they are talking nonsense." He waved it off.

"But I wanna get a higher score not a lower." She slightly pouted. He sighed.

"How about this I help you with your pronunciation with your vocals and we can somehow keep your accent?" He offered.

Tali looked up at him in surprise he would go that far, yes it may not be much, but it take a lot of patience.

"Really?"

"Really." He answered back, she smiled and it was so bright. In that moment he could really see why the male trainees were falling for her. She has visuals, but also this charm to her that would make your heart beat just from her smile.

They continued for a couple hours until Tali was satisfied with her results. She could thank him enough.

"Your welcome, anytime okay? If you need help or anything come to me I don't mind okay?"

"Of course."

"HEY TALI!"

Tali turned around to see Haechan running after her, trying to catch up.

"Hey Haechan, whats up?" She asked wondering why the boy was calling for her.

"Hows practice for evaluations going?" He asked since he saw she was disappointed with her results.

"Its going pretty good actually, Im confident I will get a higher score than last time." She smiled brightly at him. He smiled back happily knowing that she is confident. He wrapped arm around her shoulder.

"Thats good Tali, we are gonna with some other trainees wanna join?" He asked.

"Sure I have time." He smiled at her answer and took her to the practice room where, Mark, Jeno, Taeyong, Johnny, Doyoung, and Ten were.

"Look who I got." Haechan announced as he sat Tali down on the floor now between him and Mark.

"Hi Tali."

"Hi Mark."

"How evaluation practice going, I saw you weren't so happy with your score last time." Johnny asked.

"Ah was it that obvious?" She smiled sheepishly.

"No but you can tell you weren't." Johnny clarified.

"No, yeah practice has been really good, Doyoung-shi helps me a lot thankfully." She smiled at Doyoung who was caught off guard.

"You two know each other?" Ten asked.

"Yeah, she is in the same vocal classes as I am now." Doyoung clarified.

"Thats surprising."

"Why?" Doyoung asked, how is it surprising for her to ask for help.

"Its usually, us walking up to her first." Haechan said eyeing her playfully. That honestly made Doyoung feel special.

"Um, not true." Taeyong cut in quickly.

"What do you mean not true." Doyoung said now glaring at Taeyong for ruining his moment.

"She came up to me first, not Doyoung, I have that spot." He said pointing at himself childishly.

"Well, no one asked you Taeyong." Doyoung said.

"NO ONE ASKED YOU EITHER!" Taeyong now teasing Doyoung.

"WHY YOU-"

Then the bickering commenced between the two.

"Uh anyway Tali I've been meaning to ask you this." Ten said ignoring the other two.

"How old are you?"

Everything stopped Tali looked around surprised on why everyone stopped.

"Thats true how old are you Tali?" Mark asked, he always called her by her name but honestly wondered if she was older than him.

"Aren't you like born in 1998?" Johnny said thinking out loud. Tali smiled and shook her head.

"Actually Im born in 2000." She smiled at them amused on how they thought she was older.

"Wait REALLY?" Jeno said in disbelief. Tali nodded. Haechan grabbed her shoulders and turned her completely around to face him and he put on a serious face.

"Tali."

"Yes?"

"When is your birthday?"

Tali smiled amused again.

"Feburary 7th, sorry Haechanie I'm older." She smiled at his pout, really hoping he could make her call him oppa which was never gonna happen even if she was younger than him.

"Wait so you are tell me you are born in 2000?" Doyoung said in disbelief honestly thinking she was older.

"Yes." She smiled

"OMG YOU ARE OFFICIALLY MY DAUGHTER!" He said now hugging her head but still made sure she was able to breathe.

"NO SHE IS MY DAUGHTER WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR DAUGHTER." Taeyong said back grabbing Tali, Doyoung now having a better grip on Tali's body instead of just her head fought back.

Tali looked up at Doyoung and stared him for a bit, she observed him and realized one of her most favorite feature on Kim Doyoung.

His smile

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suekre · 3 years

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So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense. It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this - I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

#ocd #rocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #relationship obsessive compulsive disorder #mental disorder #sanne rambles

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