#ive been doing a lot of what can be generally described as 'chores'
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Bedside Manner
Natasha x reader x Wanda x Pepper
Tony had renovated an entire floor of the Tower into a medical wing out of necessity. He'd employed an array of doctors to be on standby because he had to. Made sure there were enough medical treatments for enhanced and non-enhanced individuals alike.
Tony did all this because the Avengers were a bunch of clumsy fools.
Those were Tony's words whenever someone asked him to describe the team.
Natasha would usually cut in and add that he was apart of that statement, which would generally cause a small argument between the two.
You and Pepper would fondly roll your eyes at the two before Pepper would change the topic.
If you wanted to be honest, the four of you spent too much time in the medical wing for your liking.
For Natasha and Wanda, it was an occupational hazard. The two were Avengers. They defended the Earth against aliens, and assholes too injuries were a part of the job.
You had also been put into the medical wing a handful of times. Not because you were an Avenger, no, you were a civilian, but because you were just a klutz in general. Something your partners found very endearing to your embarrassment.
Pepper was the only one in your relationship that didn't find herself in a hospital bed every other weekend. The woman could be hopping a marathon in ten-inch heels and not so much as falter.
Waking up in the medical wing, in a bed or by someone's bedside, became a regular occurrence in your relationship, much to Pepper's horror.
"Knock, knock." You rapped on Pepper's door. "I had an appointment with my favorite CEO." You smirked, leaning in the doorway.
"Sweetheart, I didn't know you were coming." Pepper smiled, looking up from her work.
"I wanted to surprise you." You said, entering and closing the door behind you. "I also come bearing gifts." You added, holding up a greasy paper bag.
"Do I smell fries?" Pepper asked, taking it out of your hands. "Oh, have I ever told you how much I love you?" Pepper groaned before kissing your cheek.
"Once or twice." You smirked, taking a seat across from her. "I thought I should feed you before you waste away."
"Good call." Pepper nodded. "I might have to work through dinner, thought I was going to have to skip lunch too." She said, munching on the given fries.
You sat with Pepper talking about your days as she ate and continued filling out paperwork.
"Miss Potts, Miss L/N, Dr. Banner has asked me to alert you that Miss Maximoff has been admitted to the infirmary floor."
"Ow!" Wanda whined, pulling her wrist into her chest.
"Yep. That's a sprained wrist, alright." Bruce said, moving to pick up a roll of bandages. "A pretty nasty sprain too."
After FRIDAY alerted you to your needed presence, you and Pepper had raced up to the infirmary to see Natasha waiting by Wanda's bedside.
"How did you sprain your wrist?" Pepper sighed. "Nat left you alone for ten minutes.
"A lot of things can happen in ten minutes." Wanda protested.
"Not wrong," Natasha smirked, squeezing your thigh.
"Nat!" You gasped, pushing her hand off your thigh. "Jesus!" You exclaimed, cheeks turning red as Natasha cackled.
"Can the two of you behave for five minutes?" Pepper sighed. "We're in the infirmary, and Bruce is right there."
"I didn't even do anything." You protested.
"Wanda, how did you sprain your wrist?" Pepper asked again.
"I was practicing using my powers," Wanda mumbled as Bruce wrapped her wrist. "I lost concentration, and a bookend hit my wrist." She admitted. "Please don't laugh."
"No-one's laughing." You assured her. "Sometimes, things just happen, and you get hurt."
"Y/N would know that the best," Natasha commented, receiving Pepper's elbow to the ribs. "Ow."
"Everyone has clumsy moments." You said. "It doesn't mean we're going to think any less of you if you accidentally injure yourself."
"Like the time Y/N walked into a door," Natasha smirked.
"Okay, you know what, Romanoff?"
"Relax, we still love you despite how clumsy you are," Natasha said, throwing her arm around your shoulders. "Trust me, Wand, it doesn't matter how clumsy you are, you'll never be worse than Y/N."
"How badly is she hurt?" Pepper asked as she rushed into the waiting bay.
"We don't know yet. Cho is still checking her over." You said as you and Wanda stood.
"What happened? Are the two of you okay?" Pepper questioned, pulling the two of you into embraces.
"We're fine," Wanda assured her. "Nat pushed Steve out of the way and got hit. We had to force him to go to the debrief instead of waiting with us."
"God. I hate the three of you. You're going to make me go grey before I hit my prime." She sighed, sinking in a chair.
"You love us." You reminded her, taking a seat beside her.
"I do. I won't deny that." Pepper said, taking one of yours and Wanda's hands and squeezing them tightly.
A door snapped open, causing the three of you to turn quickly. Cho came out, standing in the doorway as you all jumped to your feet.
"How is she?" Wanda asked outright.
"Natasha's okay. She has some bruised ribs and, judging from the bump on her head, we're assuming a concussion as well, but we think she'll be just fine." Cho told you, holding the door open.
"Assume?" You asked. "What do you mean, you assume she has a concussion?"
"Natasha hasn't woken up yet." Cho sighed, leading the three of you to Natasha's bedside.
Natasha was plugged into several IV's and to a heart rate monitor. She looked so peaceful resting in the white bed, but it did nothing to quell your anxieties.
"But that doesn't mean anything bad." Cho quickly added as Pepper and Wanda sat beside the sleeping redhead. "All my scans indicate there to be no brain trauma or any similar issues. The worst injury is a possible concussion. I'll give the three of you some space." She said before leaving.
"I'm gonna kill her if she ever does anything like that again." You sighed, sitting beside Wanda.
"Get in line," Pepper said, pulling out her phone. "I'm ordering her favorite chocolates."
"The Russian or German ones?" Wanda asked.
"Would it be overdoing it if I got both?"
"Get both. You get hungry after a concussion, trust me." You said.
"Fair point." Pepper nodded.
"I'll order us some dinner," Wanda said, pulling out her own phone. "We could be waiting for a while."
Natasha woke up two hours later. Her concussion was apparent from the second she woke up, but she did appreciate the company and the chocolates.
You hated days like today. All three of your partners were out and busy while you were at home with nothing to do.
Natasha and Wanda had left at the crack of dawn, so you hadn't seen them since the night before, and Pepper had left at seven before breakfast.
It was only noon, and the day was dragging, so you decided to busy yourself with tedious household chores.
Laundry was next up on your list. The four of you usually sent all your clothing out for laundering, but you needed something to do.
You had just overloaded a tall basket and were making your way down the stairs when it happened. A shirt fell out from the basket at the wrong time, and you stepped on it.
The basket flew from your hands as you slipped down the long flight of stairs. You were out before you hit the bottom of the staircase.
Non-reader POV
"One of us needs to inform Steve the war ended. He doesn't need to be drill Sargent anymore." Wanda muttered, drying off her hair.
"I get where he's coming from, we do need to be a team, but I agree with you,"
Natasha said, packing up her duffle.
Steve had demanded everyone arrive at the compound at dawn for training exercises. He'd spent the next seven hours forcing everyone into team, partner, and solo training simulations until everyone was feeling the hurt.
"I can't wait to go back to bed." Wanda sighed. "Maybe we can coerce Y/N to join us."
"That does sound nice." Natasha smiled. Natasha was pulling her hair into a ponytail when her phone rang shrilly. "Go for Romanoff."
"Agent Romanoff." Cho greeted. "I'm required to inform you that Y/N is in an infirmary bed. Again."
"What happened?" Natasha asked, gaining Wanda's attention.
"Y/N had a fall and has broken her leg," Cho informed Natasha. "It's a minor fracture, the bone didn't pierce the skin, but she will be in a cast for at least six weeks. And I'd like to keep her here overnight."
"Have you called Pepper yet?"
"No, I haven't been able to reach Miss Potts. My call went to voicemail."
"Wanda and I will be right there," Natasha said before hanging up. "Y/N broke her leg. Call Pepper let her know it's a code pink."
Reader POV
"Hi there, got yourself into a bit of a mess have we, sweetheart?" Wanda asked as she entered with Natasha on her heels.
"Please save the mocking until my next dose of pain blockers." You begged, leaning against your pillow.
"No-one is going to mock you," Wanda said as she and Natasha took seats beside you.
"Yet. No-one is going to mock you yet." Natasha smirked. "Because if it were anyone else, this is kinda funny."
"I hate this." You groaned. "Cho said I can't even go home tonight. Last time I ever try to do the laundry."
"It was a sweet thought, dorogoy," Natasha said, taking your hand. "But from now on, let's just send laundry out."
"Jesus Christ, I'm going to kill one of you these days," Pepper said as she rushed in. "Are you okay?" She asked, pulling you into a hug.
"I'm fine, Pep. A little bruised, a little broken, but I'm fine." You assured her.
"We can all see your leg, Y/N," Wanda said, tapping on the cast. "Cho says you're gonna be in it for six-eight weeks."
"Which means bed rest," Natasha told you.
"Lots and lots of bed rest." Pepper agreed.
"When she wakes up, she'll need to be on bed rest for at least a week," Cho explained, leading you, Natasha and Wanda forward. "That means no strenuous activity in the slightest. I don't even want her reaching for her tablet."
"No work. Got it." Wanda nodded.
"She can try walking a few steps every day to avoid pneumonia. No baths for two weeks, showers are okay, but she has to pat the area dry. Now, full recovery after a surgery like this is about four weeks, but Pepper's a fighter, so it could be three."
"Is there anything else we should know?" You asked as you all entered Pepper's room.
"I think I've covered all the bases. When Pepper wakes up, make sure she drinks some water, and then FRIDAY will call me down to check her over." Cho told you before leaving you all alone with Pepper.
"God, she talks about us giving her grey hairs, I think I just lost a decade off my life span." Natasha sighed, collapsing heavily onto a chair.
"I'm waiting for my heart attack to kick in." You agreed, sitting on the arm of Natasha's chair.
Earlier that day, Pepper's appendix had burst. The four of you had been having breakfast when it exploded, and Pepper collapsed to the ground in pain.
Natasha had called Bruce and Cho while you and Wanda set about trying to help Pepper. Before you could actually process what was happening around you, Pepper had been whisked away to the med bay, and the three of you were in the waiting bay.
"She's going to feel like shit when she wakes up," Wanda commented, putting another pillow behind the woman's head.
"That is an understatement." Natasha snorted. "Thank God Cho's got her hooked up to the good stuff."
You, Wanda, and Natasha sat in Pepper's room, quietly talking, for three hours before Pepper began waking up.
"Hi, hon." You smiled, taking one of her hands. “How are you feeling?”
“Like shit.” She groaned, turning her head towards you. “Have I ever mentioned how much I hate being in the medical bay?”
“Don’t think you have, sweetheart.” Wanda smiled.
“Well I hate it.” Pepper said firmly. “No more, we’re all banned from being in here from now on.”
“You’re really out of it, aren’t you, kisa?” Natasha asked, pushing hair off her face.
“I love you though. I love all of you.” Pepper added, as though she hadn’t heard Natasha. “Even if you all give me grey hairs.”
“We love you too, Pep.” You told her, pressing a kiss to her hairline. “Despite you just giving us a heart attack.”
The four of you spent more time in the med bay than any of you wanted, it was almost a second home, but there was one good thing that came out of your time in the infirmary. The four of you all got to work on your bedside manner.
Taglist
@rvgrsbrns @smilexcaptainx @hopingforbarnes @starlingelliot @piper-koko-barnes-rogers @jelly-fishy-babie @skeletoresinthebasement @agent-barnes40 @reann-loves-sebstan @skadikh @summergeezburr @buckybarton03 @sunshinepower17 @bindythedemon @natasharomanoffismywife @keenmarvellover @alissaginger @storiesbystarlight @buckybarnesplumwhore
Natasha Romanoff Taglist
@natasha-danvers @5aftermidnight @ohfuckno
All women
@imnotasuperhero
#natasha romanoff#natasha x reader#natasha romanoff x reader#wanda maximoff#wanda maximoff x reader#wanda x reader#pepper potts#pepper x reader#pepper potts x reader#scarlet witch x reader#scarlet witch#black widow#black widow x reader#natasha x reader x wanda#natasha x reader x pepper#Natasha romanoff x reader x Wanda maximoff#wandanat#Natasha romanoff x reader x Pepper Potts x Wanda Maximoff#avengers x reader#avengers x fem!reader#avengers x you#natasha romanoff x you#Natasha romanoff x y/n#wanda maximoff x you#wanda maximoff x y/n#pepper potts x y/n#pepper potts x you
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50 questions game
thank you so much for the tag, linnea (@lajnias!)
what is the color of your hairbrush? purple!
name a food you never eat? broccoli bc belgh
are you typically too warm or too cold? hmm im usually cold! but recently i’ve been too hot 😥
what were you doing 45 minutes ago? starting to study for my power systems exam tmr )’:
what’s your favourite candy bar? kit kat!!
have you ever been to a professional sports game? ye ye! ive been to baseball, hockey, and basketball games.
what is the last thing you said out loud? i’ll be quiet.
what is your favourite ice cream? mmm chocolate chip cookie dough is always really nice!
what was the last thing you had to drink? coca cola
do you like your wallet? yesss it’s this cute little cardholder form nautica that i’ve had for yearsss
what is the last thing you ate? french fries!! best
did you buy any new clothes last weekend? lmao i haven’t bought new clothes in about two years
what’s the last sporting event you watched? i watched the beginning of game 6 of the stanley cup finals last night
what is your favourite flavour of popcorn? regular salted butter popcorn or bust
who is the last person you sent a text message to? my classmate!
ever go camping? no thank you at all
do you take vitamins? yes? ish? kind of
do you regularly attend a place of worship? i should be, but uh. no im lazy
do you have a tan? nah
do you prefer Chinese or pizza? chinese except can we make it asian food in general not just ‘american chinese’ food that i’m assuming this question is asking??
do you drink your soda through a straw? only if we’re at a restaurant
what colour socks do you usually wear? black, ive got two pairs of white socks and two pairs of not white/black socks only, the rest are just black socks!!
do you ever drive above the speed limit? who doesn’t?
what terrifies you? spiders
look to your left, what do you see? a bag of lays chips
what chore do you hate most? sweeping
what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? my friend nat!!
what’s your favourite soda? coca cola, then sprite, then mountain dew
do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru if i’m by myself, sometimes dine in when i’m with friends
what’s your favourite number? 14!!
(mysterious question that ash deleted and is now lost forever but i found it on sray’s version of this!) who’s the last person you talked to? my roommate i love her a lot !!!
favourite cut of beef? ummm man idk most beef is good anyways
last song you listened to? empire state of mind by alicia keyssss
last book you read? the russian five! i’m assuming this excludes my textbooks bc if it includes my textbook then uh digital and analog communications (8th edition)
favourite day of the week? saturdayssss
can you say the alphabet backwards? ye
how do you like your coffee? i dont do coffee
favourite pair of shoes? dont have one, i guess sneakers bc i wear them all the time??
time you normally get up? mondays, thursdays, fridays, and alternating wednesdays i wake up at 7, the rest of the time probably noon asdfdks
what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunset!
how many blankets on your bed? one
describe your kitchen plates? aint got any
describe your kitchen at the moment? kinda small? idk its just the residence hall apartment kitchen on campus
do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? still underage for half a month
do you play cards? im terrible at cards, but i like uno
what colour is your car? dark brown/green
can you change a tire? no HAHAH i should be able to but i’ve got noodle arms
your favourite state? solid
favourite job you’ve had? ya girl just accepted her first full time job so that one!
tagging: @esaslindell, @nickcaamanos, and anyone else who’d like to do it.
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50 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked
Thank you so much for tagging me @howitrulyam
What is the colour of your hairbrush? purple
Name a food you never eat? asparagus and mayonnaise
Are you typically too warm or too cold? i hate being hot but i live for hoodies and blankets so I usually keep the house cold and snuggle up
What were you doing 45 minutes ago? facetiming my boyfriend
What is your favourite candy bar? listen i will love you forever if you give me any chocolate but I really like kitkats
Have you ever been to a professional sports event? we have an nba basketball team in my city so i really enjoy going to games when i can get my hands on some tickets
What is the last thing you said out loud? “bye alex! i love you!” to my boyfriend
What is your favourite ice cream? generally mint chocolate chip but theres this one gelato place in town that has this biscotti gelato and its the best
What was the last thing you had to drink? black cold brew coffee
Do you like your wallet? its? fine? idk it holds what little money i have
What was the last thing you ate? a couple flour tortillas
Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? no but im getting fitted for some fancy new running shoes tomorrow bc my dad got me a gift card
The last sporting event you watched? its been so long but prob a basketball game
What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? good ol movie theater butter
Who is the last person you sent a text message to? my best friend kalli
Ever go camping? yes and i was trying to get a group together to go again but then coronavirus happened
Do you take vitamins? nah but i prob should
Do you go to church every Sunday? HAHAHA no im a heathen
Do you have a tan? no im pale af
Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? chinese food is my faaave
Do you drink your soda with a straw? sometimes i use one of the little metal straws that my friend got for me
What colour socks do you usually wear? i hate having things on my feet when im around the house so i usually just wear socks when i go out but if my feet are freezing ill throw on a pair of red fuzzy socks
Do you ever drive above the speed limit? yeah i usually drive too fast i have a lead foot
What terrifies you? idk a lot of things but i guess im scared that im not doing enough in life
Look to your left, what do you see? my cats who are taking afternoon naps
What chore do you hate? washing the dishes
What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? steve irwin
What’s your favourite soda? i dont drink a lot of soda but i like sparkling water and every once in a while ill drink a coke
Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? drive thru
Who’s the last person you talked to? my best friend kalli (text) and my bf alex (actually talked)
Favourite cut of beef? i dont eat a lot of beef but i guess i like sunday roast
Last song you listened to? one more by elliphant ft mø
Last book you read? no by naomi klein bc sometimes you gotta rage against capitalism and everything else thats shitty rn
Favourite day of the week? friday nights and saturday afternoons
Can you say the alphabet backwards? nope
How do you like your coffee? i drink coffee in all forms so i guess it depends on the day but generally nothing too sweet
Favourite pair of shoes? this old pair of combat boots that ive had since high school theyre beat up to hell and back but i love them
The time you normally go to bed? whenever i fall asleep usually some odd hour in the morning
The time you normally get up? usually abt 9am
What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunrises bc i dont see them often but when i do i know ive either had a really good night or im traveling somewhere and had to leave before sunrise
How many blankets on your bed? like 4 i love blankets
Describe your kitchen plates: mismatched but i do have a set of blue and white ones that i use the most
Do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? ill drink anything but i like beer and my absolute favorite is a margarita made with mezcal
Do you play cards? sometime my friends and i will have a poker night with our collection of foreign coins
What colour is your car? black like everything else i own
Can you change a tire? no but i should prob learn how
Your favourite province? idk i live in the us but my favorite state is colorado bc weed and skiing, internationally i have a really soft spot for central mexico bc i studied abroad and met alex there plus its just beautiful and i love the culture
Favourite job you’ve ever had? idk ive had a lot of shitty jobs but i guess my favorite was when i was a photographers assistant for newborn baby shoots which is ironic bc i dont like kids
How did you get your biggest scar? i got a bunch of little scars i have a bunch all over my arms bc of a skin thing my knees are scarred over from skinning them bc i was a rambunctious kid i have surgery scars from appendicitis but i think the biggest one is on my thigh whenever it got caught while i was climbing over a fence (no questions ;) )
What did you do today that made someone else happy? i comforted alex (hes been struggling with depression during quarantine) and i made plans to go on a socially distant safe walk in the park with my best friend and her dog so i hope that made them happy
I tag: @ifindmyselfoncorners @licoricesnap @saffronstonehendge @sleepover2004 @vvirgolesbian and whoever else wants to do it
#sorry i dont use proper punctuation#also wow i really overshare but whatev#also if im tagging you then you pop up in my notifications the most#so hello lets be friends!!#shhh julie
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oh man that was the more important part. Ok I'll try to summarize again. So as a teenager I sadly made out and even had sex with a lot of strangers. I dont exactly know why I did it but it always left me feeling horrible afterwards. I felt dirty and like I had let myself get used. I stayed away from dating a long time but now I fell in love with this boy (i am girl btw) and even sex with him feels this way. I talked to him and he understand but I'm not sure what to do now
(2/2) how yo move past this. My parents are divorced and my family is messed up so I never really got to see a loving relationship growing up. I have been thinking about going to therapy but I dont know if that is possible. I guess I was just wondering of any of you have any ideas how to stop connecting sex to feeling like I let myself get used by someone else. Or idk maybe some of you can relate in any way
hey anon!
first, rest assured - its absolutely possible to move past sexual trauma like the kind youre describing. im guessing youre still young, & i can guarantee it doesnt stop there. theres a lot you can do from here.
first, a bit of context - i can actually relate to your story a lot. when i was a teen i had a few sexual encounters with older men i didnt know at all and it left me feeling.. well, best way i can describe it is like a slab of meat. i really didnt feel like a person. ill probably talk about these experiences another time but it could be really upsetting so ill avoid it rn.
ive had relationships since then, and dealing w my relationship to sex has been a whole trip. i think now, though, i can say im okay. heres why:
1. i only get into sexual encounters when i want to be having them. i engage, and i dont go along with anything i dont want. if i dont want something done to me, then i wont let it be done. that wasnt something i had control over as a teenager. when i said “stop”, there was no guarantee itd stop. when i said “i dont want you to do this”, the guy i was with would still try to do it. as a result ive found it really important… first not to sleep with random guys again, which isnt your problem here. but also, with partners i know, to establish clear boundaries before anything happens, to have communication, and to make sure the person understands what they can or cant do. basically: you need to have a talk about what youre okay with or not. and that means…
2. you need to figure out what youre okay with or not! getting back into a sex life with men, i realized one thing: i wont bottom. i dont want to, the thought of doing it makes me feel bad. right now i wont do it. maybe in the future i will - maybe i never will again. that means i dont want someone to finger me, i dont want someone to eat me out, and i dont want someone to fuck me. those are clear boundaries i have and that must be established with partners. those boundaries will depend on the person. ive known trauma survivors who, at the inverse of me, are incapable of taking charge during sex and need to be lead and guided by a partner. for me, i need to take a role of being in control.
if youre a woman who wants to have sex with a man, you (and him too) may have a lot of preconceptions about what that means. the truth is: if your partner has a penis, it doesnt need to penetrate you. if you have a vagina, he doesnt have to touch it with his hands, or with any other part of his body. you dont have to remove any item of clothing you dont want to. you dont have to perform anything you dont feel like performing. and you can still enjoy sex and intimacy if you figure out what youre comfortable with and what you want to be doing and remove anything that isnt okay.
it doesnt have to be forever; maybe you need to start out with specific boundaries and then you can move past them with time, when youre comfortable and able to trust your partner fully. maybe you wont, and those are the things you want to be doing and nothing else. no matter what, you have every right to your boundaries.
3. all of this means: i realized i had full agency over the kind of sex i have and what happens.
making decisions about what happens during sex, taking charge, and even putting myself in a position of control where im leading the sex and im the one pleasuring my partner, also means i never feel like sex is something thats just being done to me. i dont feel like a tool being used for someone elses pleasure. or a slab of meat. my view of sex is no longer something men perform upon me, but its an intimate moment where i take care of my partner. knowing that internally has absolutely helped. but sometimes its hard to know that internally.
4. you may not have processed the trauma. sex may be triggering a trauma response in you. in that case: yes, therapy can help. if you can have therapy, id absolutely recommend you try it. however if you cant go to therapy, its not the end of the world. truth be told? ive never been able to discuss my sexual trauma in depth with a therapist. theres just never been enough trust in a relationship between me & a therapist to where i felt comfortable describing what happened. but a lot of dealing with trauma in therapy isnt really the fact that youre talking about it to a therapist - its that youre talking about it. so if youre able, id say talking about what happened, how you felt, your fears now, etc to a trusted loved one can help. it can be a friend, a partner - if theres someone you feel comfortable talking to & you trust to listen, that could be them. talking to anyone can already be a huge help.
a therapist can help you figure out coping mechanisms & generally will be trained to handle trauma more than a loved one will be but it doesnt mean the help of your community isnt relevant.
5. finally, if you just cant get sex to feel better - if sex is a chore, if sex always feels awful, if sex reinforces trauma - its okay to not have sex. you dont owe sex to anyone. if you dont want to have sex, or the harm that having it will bring you outweighs any desire, then you dont have to have it. it doesnt make you broken or unworthy or anything else. youre allowed to not want sex.
hope it helps
-rezki
hi anon!
i don’t have similar experiences to yours, but as someone who used to (and sometimes still has) have a very hard time voicing boundaries, something that can really help is to agree to a safeword and to what it means exactly. obviously if you say ‘no’, ‘stop’, ‘give me a minute’ etc they should still be respected, but sometimes it’s easier to blurt out, idk, “coconut”, than to say “i need to take a break but i would like your emotional support”. make sure to give yourself some time to feel better and then try to talk through what happened.
best of luck xx
-lilacs
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Guys, I was HELLA behind on FMLS90- but I'm still in it! Just caught up :) while I was waiting for the grocery store to open. Now I am off with my reusable bags to get my food for the week before coming home and continuing chores. I want to get as much done as possible before FOOTBALL starts!!! We're playing Kansas City at 4:25 today (@fatmaninalittlesuit I'm sure you'll be watching this game as well!) and I am SO NERVOUS. We have been... trash, lately. Last week's game was atrocious. I wish I had planned better and tried to go to the game, even though it would probably be crazy expensive and super cold, because my football buddies are in California on a mini vacation (their 3rd this season compared to my 0) and I only have local cable at home.
Anyway, here it is:
• 11/18 - How does holiday food play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any positive or negative traditions that impact your journey? Share one of both.
Well, this was probably supposed to be about Thanksgiving feasts but here we are on December 8th! Honestly, we don’t really have any “traditions” beyond getting together and sharing a meal. In hindsight this Thanksgiving was probably my best, calorie-wise, because my brother-in-law’s sister did most of the cooking and did a lot of sides with bacon incorporated into them and, since I’m vegetarian, I did not partake. I had some DELICIOUS food, don’t get me wrong, and she made a to-die-for caprese salad… but most of the apps had bacon and several of the sides. I ended up having cheese and crackers, french onion tartlets (SOOO GOOD), chips & dip, mashed potatoes, and a plethora of vegetable sides. It also helped that I had to work overnight Thursday into Friday so I couldn’t have any wine
• 11/19 - How does holiday stress play a role in your fitness journey? Do you have any especially stressful situations that make your physical or mental journey tough? How do / will you handle them?
Holidays don’t really stress me out, if we’re being honest. As of Dec. 6 I just need to pick up some alcohol and then some giftcards for my cousin’s kids, and I’m done Christmas shopping. I start my shopping November 1 every year. I don’t mind seeing my family -they’re dramatic, just like everyone else, but compared to my job? A few hours of family drama time is nothing. I do tend to hoard a bottle of wine to myself for the holidays but I’m not sober during non-holiday times, either, so that doesn’t really come into play.
• 11/20 - What role do family and friends play in your holidays? Are these mostly positive or negative? What do you want to change about this?
Mostly positives! I hosted my second annual Friendsgiving this year and it was fantastic. The one downside was I had been up for 44 hours but I think it went well. Honestly the only “downside” to friends/family during holidays is having to be in such close quarters with people because as much as I love them, someone inevitably has germs.
• 11/21 - Do you notice and physical / mental changes around this time of year? Do you have any strategies to deal with them?
I am always a sleepy bitch, but more so during the winter months due to the lack of sun. This M-F, not getting home till 5-6 every night, office has no window life is bullshit. We always jokes that nightshift never sees the sun but dude, until you’ve gone 5 days without sunlight, don’t even @ me. I am extra careful about taking my vitamins during this time of the year because I really do notice a difference in energy and mood without them (I have some vitamin deficiencies NOT related to my diet thank you).
• 11/22 - How do work / school commitments / events this time of year differ for you? Can this be used to your advantage in your fitness journey or are there steps you can take to minimize the challenges?
In the fall we have annual mandatory education at work which can be stressful but other than that, work does not change. This year was a little different because I picked up a second job and had orientation and have been working a lot to save up money for my many endeavors over the next 2 years (sister’s bridal shower / bachelorette /wedding, best friend’s bridal shower / bachelorette / wedding, everyone is turning 30 and wants to go all out -me included- wanting to go on more vacations, wanting to do a 29th birthday somethingl… the list is endless…. Lol)
• 11/23 - Do you have any plans to travel this year? If so, describe the challenges that creates and how you will handle them. If not, what can you do at home to set yourself up for success?
One semi-definite plan is my sister’s bachelorette in 2020! I don’t know when or where we’re going, but we’re going- which reminds me, I need to get my passport in case it ends up being Canada! I also would like to do a small trip for my 29th birthday. Originally I wanted to take a week off (I am close to vacation time caps at work) but we are OF COURSE having a new system go-live 6 days after my birthday and I’m like, top 5 most important people for the go-live. So we shall see. Perhaps a 3-day weekend for president’s day somewhere close?
• 11/24 - Share one tip with the community on how to stay healthy during the holidays.
I feel like any time I have to share a tip with the community I share the same one, but there it is: PREPARATION. For instance I have not meal prepped in 3 weeks and IT SHOWS. I’ve been feeling sluggish and gross, not working out like I should be, and not sleeping as well…. PREPARATION IS KEY!!!
• 11/25 - What are your general thoughts on gratitude and the role it plays in your mental health and happiness?
Being in healthcare puts a new perspective on gratitude. I’m answering this hella late so it’s not actually 11/25 and is several weeks post-Thanksgiving, but… yesterday I watched a daughter unexpectedly lose her mother in the worst possible way. She walked into the room and almost immediately told us to stop doing CPR. I am grateful for my family being here and healthy, I am grateful for my fellow healthcare providers, and I am grateful that this strong woman who was having the worst day of her life wanted one thing for her mother in the last moments of her life: peace.
• 11/26 - What are some past experiences I am grateful for? How did they shape my life for the better?
I am grateful for growing up the way I did. I can’t say I wouldn’t change things but being raised by who I was shaped me into who I am. I’m grateful I wasn’t just handed things and was forced to work for them. I was probably not super appreciative at age 16 when I had to pay for my own car, but as an adult I am SO happy that I learned the lesson of working hard.
• 11/27 - Who do I appreciate? Tell us about them and why you are grateful they are in your life.
Right now I am appreciating the nurse who took report from me last night! We’ll probably never meet again but thank you for listening to my rants, not judging my last-minute leaky IV (don’t worry, the patient had another one that worked fine), and for getting me out of there so quickly!
• 11/28 - It’s Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. Tell us what specifically you are Thankful for today.
On Thanksgiving I was grateful for friends, family, and awesome coworkers.
• 11/29 - What are some people / things I may be taking for granted? How can I better express my gratitude for these people / things in the future?
I sometimes take my dad especially for granted. I depend on him for things around the house that I don’t have the skills or knowledge to do, such as fix the deck or the running toilet or even hang things without punching a hole in the wall. In the future I want to express that I’d rather him teach me these things instead of just coming to do them.
• 11/30 - What are some future opportunities I have that I am grateful for?
Everyone’s wedding, and the Year of Turning 30 Extravaganza.
• 12/1 - Share one tip with the community on how to live life with at attitude of gratitude.
No one is grateful 100% of the time. I try to make it a point every day to think of what I have… friends, family, pets, house, car, food in my fridge, etc…. and remember that not everyone has those.
• 12/2 - Where are you on your personal mental health journey? What strengths and opportunities do you have?
The changing of the seasons, setting the clocks back, and the SNOW on December 1st took its toll. I am usually not a Christmas-decorations-the-day-after-Thanksgiving type of person, but this year that’s the day that worked for my family getting our trees (me, my dad, and my sister/brother in law all go together and my Dad drops the trees off with his pickup) so I decorated that weekend and began listening to Christmas music (Pentatonix, ayyyyy). It really HAS been a pick-me-up!!!
• 12/3 - What are some past experiences with mental heath work? What has worked well for you and what has not worked as well.
Personally? None. Professionally? Just what I give as a nurse.
• 12/4 - How is your mental health compared to a year ago? Are you remaining steady, improving or regressions? What do you need to do about it?
Well, this time last year I had been at my job for one day and had no idea what I was doing. Now I’ve been here for a year and know what I’m doing… 50% of the time? So my mental health has gotten better since I no longer feel like a fish out of water. It helps that I got a per diem at the bedside and have those opportunities to do direct patient care.
• 12/5 - How aware are you of your mental health? Are your your moods steady or do they ebb and flow? Are you aware when things are changing and do you have any experience / tips for heading off tough times?
Very aware of my mental health; you have to be, to survive in healthcare without getting serious burnout. I would say my moods ebb and flow, which isn’t abnormal. Tough times can be headed off by doing self care, and I don’t mean in the bath-bomb-face-mask type of way: do your laundry (and fold it straight out the dryer), wash the dishes, clean the house, meal prep… and maybe get a manicure.
• 12/6 - Have you noticed any patterns / cycles to your own mental health? Do the seasons, or specific holidays or other variables impact you in specific ways?
Not especially. Late fall / early winter tends to be hard due to the lack of sun, but I also have a vitamin D deficiency that for obvious reasons gets worse in the winter, and low vit D causes depressive symptoms.
• 12/7 - How are mental health and physical health connected? What are some of your experiences that show this in your life?
Well. In my personal and somewhat-work-related experience, being in poor physical health often has a negative impact on mental health. HOWEVER BEING IN POOR PHYSICAL HEALTH DOES NOT MEAN BEING OVERWEIGHT. Plenty of patients have normal BMIs and are in poor health, and plenty have BMIs that label them obese and are in good health. And being in good physical health does not mean you have good mental health. I guess what I want to say is that while they can influence one another, they are not directly correlated?
• 12/8 - Share one tip with the community about developing or maintaining your mental health.
Don’t let things pile up. And I mean that literally and figuratively. Clean your house and prep your food and for the love of God empty the trash from your car (no? just me?). But also… don’t dwell on things you cannot change, and don’t stew on things you can. Just do it. It will be worth the time, energy, and anxiety.
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50 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked
I was tagged by @mbejus thanks!! :3c havent done one of these in a million years
1. What is the color of your hairbrush?: i do not have one! my comb is black tho
2. Name a food you never eat?: applesauce, can’t stand the texture lol
3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?: i tend to be both but more often run too warm. i run warm but i get cold real easy
4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?: playing breath of the wild!!
5. What is your favorite candy bar?: crunch bars i think :3
6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event?: i think so? maybe?
7. What is the last thing you said out loud?: “love you too” to my grandma on the phone
8. What is your favorite ice cream?: chocolate peanut butter!!
9. What was the last thing you had to drink?: good ol’ water
10. Do you like your wallet?: not really LOL it’s really feminine looking and falling apart but at least it holds all my random receipts that i forget to throw away
11. What was the last thing you ate?: some pumpkin bread i baked the other day!
12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?: nope
13. The last sporting event you watched?: probably a baseball game w andy?? cant remember who specifically was playing tho
14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?: caramel!
15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?: also my grandma LOL
16. Ever go camping?: yeah a lot! haven’t in a lil bit tho
17. Do you take vitamins?: nope
18. Do you go to church every Sunday?: absolutely not lmao never stepped inside a church i dont think
19. Do you have a tan?: no i am Very White
20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?: chinese food!!
21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?: not usually
22. What color socks do you usually wear?: always patterned always different colors
23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?: i mean yeah a little! just the usual like 7 mph above or whatever and sometimes have gone a little above 10 mph over if im going downhill and dont notice it right away
24. What terrifies you?: the future lol. but also spiders inside my bedroom
25. Look to your left, what do you see?: my school stuff i brought home w me sitting on the floor bc i dont have room for it anywhere else lol
26. What chore do you hate?: vacuuming (too noisyyy)
27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?: i think probs steve irwin?? or just animal people in general
28. What’s your favorite soda?: i dont really drink soda, but i do like the san pellegrino grapefruit flavored soda!
29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus?: usually just the drive thru, but it depends on the situation!
30. Who’s the last person you talked to?: my mom
31. Favorite cut of beef?: i have no idea LOL been making a good mongolian beef recipe w flank steak lately and i like that texture sooo maybe flank?
32. Last song you listened to?: The Greatest Show from the greatest showman hdjshdf
33. Last book you read?: currently in the middle of lotr the two towers but havent picked it up in a while
34. Favorite day of the week?: rn it’s mondays bc that means my mom is working and won’t bug me very much
35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?: i dont think so
36. How do you like your coffee?: replace it with hot chocolate and ur good
37. Favorite pair of shoes?: my full black hightop converse
38. The time you normally go to sleep?: lately it’s been anywhere from 11:30 PM-12:30 AM
39. The time you normally get up?: anywhere from 8:30-9:30 AM
40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets?: depends, but i think visually i like sunsets more
41. How many blankets on your bed?: 2 (my duvet and my weighted blanket)
42. Describe your kitchen plates: all white and very flat
43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?: i dont drink alcohol lol
44. Do you play cards?: sometimes!
45. What color is your car?: silver
46. Can you change a tire?: i never have before but i feel like i could figure it out!
47. Your favorite province?: we dont have provinces in the us and ive never been anywhere that has a province LOL but i will say i learned i like arizona state landscapes more than anything else so that’s my answer
48. Favorite job you’ve ever had?: the wood and metal shop at school!!! sad i didnt get to say a proper goodbye to them all :(
49. How did you get your biggest scar?: i have a very faded scar on my outer right thigh (can really only see it after i’ve taken a hot shower and stretch the skin a certain way). i got it in high school when we were running the mile, and i jumped around a group of people who were blocking the thin walkway and scraped my leg along what was probably an old piece of chain link fence. it was maybe 8-10 inches long up my thigh, and it bled pretty good. had to wear bandaids and a leg wrap under my pants for about a week until it healed enough
50. What did you do today that made someone else happy?: uuuuuh wished my mom a happy mother’s day
I tag: whoever wants to do it !!!
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Hey guys, so I thought give an update on my personal life since I haven’t done so in a while and since Ive been pretty busy lately.
So I thought I’d start by saying listening to Lover (the song) lately has made me feel very happy I really think that with each album Taylor releases there’s always some sort of relatability to my life. Her debut and Fearless had some songs that related to me getting through junior high and high school, Speak Now (probably the most relatable to me) helped me when it came to graduating, going to university and moving on to that next stage in my life & of course experiencing my first relationship, Red helped me get through my first heartbreak and helped me move on with my life, 1989 helped me find myself and helped me realized that I didn’t need a relationship to make me happy that I am my own person and that I should love myself more (and it helped me when it came to finding my first job and going back to university) & Reputation while probably the least relatable there were a couple of songs like Call it What You Want and New Year’s Day that sort of related to me finding my girlfriend Kim and how I’m happy I am for what’s to come and the singles on Lover so far have been pretty great and The Archer and Lover really moved me especially with the latter because Lover described everything that’s been happening in my life so far and how happy I am that I’ve truly found the one person I wanna be with in my life.
Ever since I’ve met my girlfriend Kim things have been going pretty well for me lately. I left my job at Sobeys last summer, had a job at East Side Mario’s/Holiday Inn which was a pretty great job I was a room service person for the inn and also did takeout and Host for the restaurant and it made good money but it didn’t pan out well so I ended up finding a job at Walmart around Christmas last year which was great because it was full time and there’s benefits and stuff so that’s pretty great and it’s nice that I’m back in my element as a cashier I swear I didn’t miss a beat when I went on cash but anyways those jobs really helped when it came to my relationship.
I’m so happy when I’m with Kim we make each other smile and laugh, she’s always there for me when I need anything and same with me too, we love each other so much and we can never get enough of one another honestly I don’t where I’d be or what I’d do without her she makes my life so much better and she’s made me a better man. She’s met my family and I met hers and our families like that we are together and are happy for us, I got her a promise ring around thanksgiving last year and I got to experience a lot of things that I never got experience before like our first thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, our first Valentine’s Day and celebrating one year together back in March ❤️❤️. We spent so much time together and things were moving so fast that I moved out of my parents house for the first time and I started living with her we felt like the time was right and at first I stayed at her place with her roommate but eventually with the money I saved from East Side we ended up finding a place of our own around Christmas time and moved in together as a couple and honestly you know even now things just get better and better and I couldn’t be more happier ❤️❤️❤️
And moving in with my girlfriend it truly is the first time that I ever lived on my own yes i lived in Rez in university for a bit so I had a taste of it when it came to looking after myself and chores and stuff like that but I never paid rent or bills that’s not my phone or credit card or you know ACTUALLY living on your own like an adult it was a little rough at first but Kim was there by my side helping me get through and I’m learning a lot from this experience and we always help each other out and we help make this house truly our home. I feel like I’ve finally grown up ya know and I honestly have Kim to thank for that.
Honestly there’s so much more that I could talk about when it comes to my girlfriend and I we’ve had such amazing times together and so many special moments and I can’t wait for many more to come overall I’m just so happy that I’m finally an adult and I’ve found the one person I want to be with for the rest of my life I can’t imagine being with anyone else but her and I really see a future down the road so much so that I’m thinking about Marriage and having a family with her. We’ve been with each other for almost a year and a half and I really truly feel that’s she’s the one for me and she feels that I’m the one for her she has the exact same feelings I do and the song Lover describes every single thing about her and our relationship in my mind. The most hit hard lyrics are definitely “This is our place, we make the rules and there’s a dazzling haze and mysterious way about you dear, have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years”, the chorus and this lyric “All’s well that ends well to end up with you” just the warm feeling of love and nostalgia in this song in general just makes me feel happy and all warm and fuzzy inside and I can’t help but think of my girlfriend when I hear this song and I showed this to my girlfriend yesterday and she feels the same she loves the song and think of me when she hears it ❤️❤️ I can’t wait to hear the rest of the album this Friday I’m so excited 😊😊
but yeah this is how I feel about Taylor’s new song and just an update about how things are going with me and Kim personally I’m so happy and so blessed to have Kim in my life and I just can’t wait for what’s next ❤️❤️
#personal#relationships#my love life#girlfriend#things have been going well for me lately#me#taylor swift#taylorswift#lover#lover era#lover the song#so relatable#describes my relationship perfectly right now#cant wait for the album to come out#and i cant wait for whats to come for me and kim
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heyy answer all of them. all the sweet and pure asks. a l L-
OKAY BET
Do you believe in soulmates? Yes!! Both romantically and platonically!!
Diary or journal? Journal!
Which fictional character do you relate to the most? Hmmm it depends,, i have at least one person from each piece of media, so if you give me a specific one i can answer it!!
Are you crushing on someone? If you count my girlfriend, then yes
Kissing in the dark or kissing in the rain? Both!!!!!!!!
Describe your aesthetic in emojis: 🐺💙🍉🍓🌱🍒🌷💞💖
What is your favorite memory? Hmmm i can choose just one!!! But my first con is always a nice one
What is your favorite flower? Roses!!!!
Have you ever been in love? Yup!
Strawberry or vanilla? Both are very good, but i like vanilla more
Describe your favorite smell. The smell of bakeries and cafes!! The sweetness of the desserts and the scent of coffee and other drinks are so nice!!!
If you had 3 wishes, what would they be?? I. honestly dont know! Some fangs would be pretty sick so id want those
Cookie dough or cookies? Cookie dough!!
Coffee or tea? Neither, im a hot chocolate person
Would you rather live in the sea with mermaids or a forest with faeries? In a forest with faeries, are you kidding me??? Thats the dream!!!!!!
Whats your middle name? Grace! Pretty ironic considering out clumsy i am akjdshfgaj
What is your sun, moon, and rising sign? Taurus, Libra, Virgo
Favorite thing to do on rainy days? Binge watch shows while i draw!!
How tall are you? 5′2!!
Which show would you want to live in? I,,,also dont know kshdflasf
What is your favorite holiday? Either Halloween or Christmas!!!
What scented candle is your favorite? Pine candles!!
Favorite song right now? Wedding Song from Hadestown!!
3 ways to win your heart? 1. respect me and my interests 2. communicate with me about things, big or small, good or bad 3. You GOTTA be able to make stupid jokes with me
Current mood? Amazing!!! Ive been watching bnha which has been fun :D
Whats your favorite season? Fall!!
Your current relationship status? in love with my gf
A photo of yourself? Look at my “my face” tag cowards
Do you like being spoiled? to an extent, yes! Its always nice to be spoiled a little once in a while, as well as spoil others!
3 habits you have? I eat the cake part before the frosting, cracking my joints, and making soft noises when im idle!
How do you perceive yourself? Well its rather complicated khadgksjah i dont think im the worst person, but i can definitely do better. i forget a lot of things and tend to worry a lot- which isnt very cash money of me
How do you think others perceive you? I have NO clue, man. please tell me how yall perceive me
Things i find attractive in girls/guys? Freckles/moles/etc, being passionate about your interests!!!, general nice-ness, curly or soft hair is always nice :3
One secret about yourself: Im really terrified of rejection. I love making friends and everything, but im scared ill mess it up and then theyll hate me
How do you act when you have a crush? Im not huge flirt, so i just get a little awkward
The reason behind your last breakup? Nope.
Whats your last text message say? “100 sounds good, that way i can get food too”
What show are you currently binging on? Bnha!!! Im almost finished with the second season >:3c
What is your morning routine? Lay in bed for like 10 minutes, breakfast, chores, then get dressed!
Who do you miss? My girlfriend :(
Last time you cried? This morning skdhlfas
When is your birthday? May 20th!
Scariest/creepiest experience? Almost falling off an escalator
Date someone younger, older, or same age as you? I have no preference, as long as the age gape isnt too severe!!
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The Flowergirl IV
Soulmate AU
Kylo Ren x Reader
Words: +2.700
Warnings: Almost swearing ;D
MY MASTERLIST
[Kylos Thoughts]
/Y/Ns Thoughts/
Kylo was sitting against the big willow tree and was peacefully watching Y/N who was resting in front of him. He could feel her excitement and joy, now that she was right in front of him, it was much more intense and he realised that when they were apart he didn´t even feel half of it.
Picking flowers from her little basket, she seemed to braid them together, before she suddenly placed it on his head with a smile and he couldn´t even describe what that made him feel.
Everything about her fascinated him, how the last rays of sunshine reflected in her enticing eyes, how the wind was playing with her shining hair and just how beautiful she was, even more then the stars he was always admiring.
He was just overwhelmed with everything right now, not noticing how she slowly came closer and closer until Kylo felt her fingertips brush over his long scar.
“Who did this to you?” she asked, quiet worried but he shook his head lightly, wrapping his fingers around her wrist he leaned into the touch of her palm and closed his eyes.
“That doesn´t matter any more. All that matters right now ...” he opened his eyes again and stared into hers, which made Y/Ns heart flutter.
Starting to smile again she lowered her gaze and looked up to the sun that was slowly vanishing behind the hill.
“Ah your cloak! Do you want to see it?” she asked when she saw the last golden lights.
“Of course.” he nodded.
Quickly standing up she rounded the tree to her swing, were the dark red fabric was still lying.
Coming back she unfolded it and held it as high as she could so that he could get an overall look at it.
“What do you think?” Y/N bit her lip, because she was nervous that he might not like it at all, seeing that he normally wore only black.
Letting his fingers run over the golden embroidery he couldn´t believe that she invested so much time in this and that just for him.
“Thank you, I don´t even know what to say at this point...” he chuckled almost nervous.
“It´s okay. I´m still a little overwhelmed myself.” sitting down in front of him again, she pushed a few strands of hair back behind her ear.
“That you really are right here in front of me... the most feared man in the galaxy with a pretty flowercrown on his head.” she chuckled and he only rolled his eyes with a smile while her hair fell back into her face.
“It would suit you much more.” stretching out his hand he wanted to brush them back, but remembered how uncomfortable she got when Nil tried to do such things.
Noticing his hand, she lightly nodded to give him permission and he gently placed her hair back behind her ear.
Carefully grabbing the ring of flowers on his head he placed it on hers.
“See, much better, then on me.” he grinned slightly.
Kylo tried to hold himself back, careful not to pressure her, but if he would´ve been honest, Kylo would have it the other way around. He wanted to hold her close, to stay with her until the end of time if it was possible and he hoped she felt the same.
Was this just their bond talking in him, or did he really felt like that. At the moment he would say it was a mix from both.
The only thing he knew for sure was that there wasn´t a conflict inside of him any more, now that he found her. No pull from the Light or the Dark. It was balanced.
“Y/N, Dinner is ready!” they suddenly heard her father call and she slightly flinched.
“I´m coming!” she called back and grabbed Kylos hand. “That´s right, I still need to introduce you. I was so excited that I totally forgot.”
Y/N wanted to pull him on his feet but he refused.
“We can´t, not just yet. I want to make sure it is safe.” Kylo explained and got slowly stood up.
“Does that mean, you are leaving already?” he immediately noticed the breaking in her voice and risked to step closer.
“Of course not.” letting his hand rest against her cheek she carefully leaned into it.
“We just need to be cautious. Understood?”
“Yes, I ...”
“Y/N! The dinner will be cold soon!” she heard her fathers voice again and sighed.
Taking the red cloak quickly, Y/N threw it over his shoulders.
“This will hide you better then your weird black clothing. I will try to get you some normal clothes tomorrow. We will see each other tomorrow, right?”
“I promise.” he nodded, slowly leaning closer before letting his lips rest onto her forehead for a moment.
“You were right.” Y/Ns Father huffed while pointing out of the window, his wife quickly walking to look what he was talking about.
Watching their daughter and the cloaked figure in red saying such intimate goodbyes, her Mother only smiled.
“It seems like we have our answer then. There will be no marriage, at least not with Nil.” she said before quickly returning to serving the meal.
“Doesn´t that rather raise more questions? Like who is that? We never seen someone like him before. And how does she even know him?” Her Father, of course worried, starting to show his concern to his wife.
“She will tell us, just give her time, my Love.” his wife gave him a small kiss against his cheek and he sat down on the diner table.
“Sorry I took so long.” trying to hide her smile, she sat down onto her chair.
“Don´t worry sweetheart, we saw you were quiet occupied.” her Mother waved dismissive, but Y/N froze in place.
/They saw!/
[I heard.] taking a deep breath, he started to think. They would probably try to keep them apart if they were to find out who he was.
/They wouldn´t./ Y/N suddenly obliged and he rolled his eyes a little.
[Of course they would. They will think the same things from me like any body else.]
Sitting down in his shuttle, she leaned his face into his hands.
/I don´t think so ./
Kylo couldn´t stop the smile that was forming on his lips.
[No, you don´t. But you are not like anybody else anyway.] he said calm and she could almost feel his worrys fade away.
“Y/N? My Flower, is everything alright? You spaced out a little.” feeling a big hand against her forehead she looked at her father, who was checking if she had fever.
Laying down her cutlery, she calmly placed her hands in her lap.
“I´, fine, sorry. Just caught up in my thoughts.” Y/N wanted to respect Kylos wish to wait and so she didn´t tell them, at least not yet.
After a hot nice bath, she was swinging in her hammock, looking at the many stars outside the window.
/I feel bad not telling them.../
[I know. What do they know about the war?] stretching on his bed he looked up at the metal ceiling, feeling Y/Ns small touches while she played with the bracelet.
/Not much. One party against the other. My Father says it´s the same old thing, it never affect us here, because we are such a small planet with nothing to give./
He nodded to himself, her Father wasn´t wrong, this part of the galaxy was mostly untouched by the First Order because there was nothing of interest here.
But his worry wasn´t if the First Order found out, he worried that her parents would take her away from him.
Hearing his Holo Pad suddenly ring, he grunted annoyed.
“What is it General?” he asked after accepting the call.
/The Weasel!/ she suddenly thought excited and he almost started to laugh.
[I thought we are not using rude nicknames?]
/It´s the only name I know for him./ she defended herself, quietly.
Clearing his throat, he switched his attention back to Hux.
“It seems like the Tracker of your shuttle is not working correctly.” The General informed him and Kylo leaned back in his bed.
“Oh no, that is terrible, General.” he said sarcastic and Hux only snarled.
“And here I thought your man were capable to do such a simple task as to maintenance my shuttle.” of course he removed the tracker before he started his journey.
“So what is it that you want, General. I don´t have time for your bickering.” closing his eyes for a moment, he sighed.
“The girl and her traitor friend were spotted.”
“And?”
“And?? Didn´t you want to find them?” Hux was visibly confused.
“Do I really have to tell you everything what you need to do?” Kylo hissed.
“Of course not!” Hux snapped.
“Then do your fuc...” hearing Y/n clear his throat he sighed. “Then do your job, if you don´t need my orders.”
Ending the call he let the Holo-Pad sink on the floor.
[At least let me swear.]
/Alright, sometimes, for special occasions./
Shaking his head with a smile he stared back at his ceiling again.
/Kylo?/ she heard her suddenly asked shyly.
[Mhmm?] he responded soft, the hairs in his neck standing up when he heard her call his nime for the first time.
/I can´t sleep.../
[Me neither.]
/Can you tell me more about the galaxy? I know so little about it.../
Hugging her pillow tightly, she listened to his relaxing voice while he told her about different planets.
When he heard her small snores, he rolled onto his side
and for the first time in forever he was too excited to even try to sleep.
The next morning she was quietly walking down the stairs. Kylo was loudly snoring in her head, which was something new for her since he normally was a quiet sleeper, but this time he seemed to be in a much more relaxed state.
“Father?” Y/N walked through the grass, to reach him at the stable.
“What is it Flower?” checking the horses hoofs, he was focused on his work.
“Can I borrow some clothes from you?” trying to sound as normal as possible, she stroke over Barnabas back to calm him.
“For your friend?” he heart the typical unhappy grunt from him.
“Would that be alright?” she knew she was asking a lot, especially since they didn´t knew Kylo and only saw him for a brief moment yesterday.
“Yes. But it would be nice if you would introduce us at some point.” he huffed and loosened Barnabas Rein so he could get onto the field.
“Thank you!” hugging him tightly she already wanted to run inside when he called after her.
“But don´t forget your chores, just because this man is around!”
“Of course not!”
Looking through the old clothes, she quickly picked a few that would probably fit Kylo, before they could buy different ones in town.
First she helped brush Barnabas before saddling barrels at his saddle, so she could water the flowers easily.
Letting the water evenly fall onto the flowers, she noticed the red cloak between the trees.
When her mother noticed that Y/N had stopped in her tracks she looked up, the watering can hanging loosely in her hand.
“Well go on then. We are almost done here anyway.” she smiled at her daughter who immediately pressed a quick kiss on her cheek before running towards the stranger.
This time Kylo was prepared and easily lifted her up with one arm around her waist. Resting her hands on his broad shoulders, Kylo pulled the hood that was hiding his face back and let his forehead rest against hers.
Surprised she looked into his honey brown eyes.
“Didn´t you want to be careful?”
“Making your parents suspicious of me wouldn´t help us, would it?” carefully letting her down.
“Besides it means a lot for you that I meet them.”
Having the widest grin on her sweet lips she tucked him along to the wide flower field.
“Mother! I want to introduce you to someone!” she called and her Mother stopped Barnabas who calmly let Kylo pat his head.
“This is Kylo.” Y/N explained and Kylo nodded his head shortly.
“Oh my, what a handsome fellow. No wonder you spend every second on this coat if it was meant for him.”
“Mother, please ...”embarrassed Y/N rolled her eyes at her Mother , while still holding on to Kylos hand.
“We wanted to go into town later, do you need anything?” she asked while they slowly made their way back to the house.
“Not in particular, but stay for lunch you two. Your Father probably would like to get to know your friend too.”
Y/Ns Mother suggested and Y/N looked up to Kylo.
“I would be delighted.” he accepted and now she really couldn´t contain her smile any more.
/She likes you.../
[Until we tell her who I really am.]
/You want to tell them?/ shocked she stopped in her tracks and Kylo turned around after feeling the tuck at his hand.
Sighing he came back to her and gently stroked over her cheek.
[I don´t want them to have any doubts that i´m the right person for you. Thats why I want to be open with them.]
Quietly nodding she pressed herself against his chest, while he stroked through her hair.
“Honey, would you come inside please? Y/N wants to introduce you to someone.”
They could immediately hear the heavy steps of her Father approaching.
When he entered the house, his eyes immediately fell on Kylo who he looked up and down before staring at the long scar.
“An accident?”
“A fight.” Kylo calmly answered his question and her father grunted. Exchanging a look with her mother she quietly nodded.
“Father, this… this is Kylo.” Y/N nervously introduced the black haired men and they eyes of her father landed on their connected hands.
“You don´t seem like someone who avoids hard work, how about you help me chop the wood for the fireplace?”
nodding to the backyard her Father already left the house again, before Kylo squeezed Y/Ns hand lightly, handed her the red cloak, so he wouldn´t dirty it and followed him.
“We will be preparing the dinner then. Come sweetheart.” pulling Y/N into the kitchen she helped her mother with the cooking.
“Do you think he likes him?”
Her Mother could tell that her daughter was nervous but reassuringly brushed over her hair.
“I would even say he prefers him to your other admirer.” she truthfully spoke before starting to cut the vegetables.
Sitting at the dinner table, Kylo was just explaining to her parents what his position was, his previous life and his training.
“So you are telling me, that you are the most powerful man in the galaxy?” her Father asked, still not really believing everything he had hear.
“Yes.”
“The Leader of this … Order? Who is trying to rule over everything?”
“Yes.”
With a deep sighed, Y/Ns Father slouched back in his chair.
“How did you even get to know him?” he redirected his attention to his daughter, who was quietly sitting next to this man he just got to know.
“We got bonded a few months back.” she shyly answered.
Her Mother gasped loudly. “You mean...?”
“Yes, suddenly we could hear each others voices. Kylo could even feel my emotions since he is force sensitive.”
Exchanging a look, her parents seemed to come to unsaid terms.
“Then who are we, to stand in the way of fate?” her Father suddenly mumbled and Y/N almost jumped from her chair.
“Really?!” when both of them nodded, she quickly rounded the table to close both of them in her arms.
Kylo however sat in his chair frozen in place, he had never expected that they would accept this situation so quickly or welcome him so warmly into their home.
“I would like for you to help a little bit on the farm then, if you like.” her Father asked Kylo who slowly nodded.
“Of course.” feeling Y/N take his hand under the table, he looked over to her, her beautiful smile calming him down quickly before he returned it.
Tags: @joebob24 @ayatimascd @el-eldritch @weirdothepuppet @suzumebailey @secretlygrantaire @germansarechill @bitchy-ginger-1 @dangerous-but-fun @renpublic @m4shtyx @wintersire @kayyyllluh @green-nightlight @attorneyl
#kylo ren#kylo ren au#kylo ren imagine#kylo ren x reader#kylo ren x you#kylo#kylo au#kylo imagine#kylo x reader#kylo x you#star wars au#soulmate au#kylo ren soulmate#kylo soulmate#kylo soulmate au
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Podcast Recs cause I'm listening to too many of them. I listened to most of these in a month.
WOLF 359:
I literally couldn't recommend this podcast enough it's a ride of excitement and stress; twists and turns that is a rollercoaster of an experience. Basically it's about this crew of three plus a friendly AI orbiting the dwarf star Wolf 359, it seems like a fun comedy until shit gets real.
This podcast has frequent stressful situations, a lot of violence, and a lot of near death experiences. It's hard to tag everything.
WE FIX SPACE JUNK:
This podcast so far is really interesting in world building and characters. It's about these two mechanics held in debt by this intergalactic corporation that go around and fix space junk.
This podcast has violence, body horror in one episode, and alien plagues.
KING FALLS AM:
This is kinda like a mix of Gravity Falls and Welcome to Night Vale. The show is told completely through radio broadcasts of the Sammy and Ben show. Though mysterious things (more mysterious than all of the other paranormal shenanigans) start happening and it's just... Great. All of the characters are wonderful and honestly hilarious, I really recommend this one it's sooooo good.
There are depictions of Gaslighting, violence, alien abductions, intense racism from one character though it's very clear that that character is a bad person and it is comedic, homophobia in later episodes, violence against sugar gliders specifically (no I'm not kidding), and one murderous elf on the shelf.
THE INFINITE NOW:
I honestly don't know what the hell goes on in this podcast but like it's pretty cool time stuff so like yeah. Its two hours tops to get through it.
This story is a bit trippy and I honestly barely remember it so I don't have much in the way of trigger warnings
JANUS DESCENDING:
This podcast is good technically I'd say but it's kinda thick if that makes sense. It feels like a chore to watch cause I don't care that much for the characters and they don't talk like normal people which is annoying. But it's still something I think is good. It's about these two scientists going to an alien planet and getting their shit fucked up thoroughly. It's genuinely terrifying at times.
There are trigger warnings in the show notes but this podcast has a lot body horror, violence, and is kinda fucked up sometimes.
TIDES:
Honestly this podcast is the next big thing in my opinion. I really liked the first season it's so interesting and it's like Janus Descending but a lot cooler and more interesting and funny. I'm really looking forward to it's next season! Basically this Xenobiologist (space animal scientist) is stranded on alien planet with intense tidal activity and the podcast is a mix of her complaining about her co-workers, surviving, and talking about the ecosystem. It's super interesting.
This podcast is kinda icky but I love it. There are depictions of small spaces and people who don't like water might not like this podcast.
EOS 10:
This is one of the big ones. It's about doctors, a cook, and an alleged space terrorist on this space station. It's really funny and I love the characters to death. The third season got a bit tricky though cause they kinda had to retcon a character out of the story cause they apparently fired his voice actor. And it gets like.... Super confusing. But still please watch it it's so good.
This story deals with alcoholism and drug addiction, along with violence, terrorism, grief, sexual interactions (though these are brief.) And medical stuff in general.
STAR TRIPPER!!!:
It's like We Fix Space Junk but 100x more positive (not saying that WFSJ is inferior, that's not true at all) and honestly it's like so sweet to watch. Things can get a bit unclear but that's okay. Also apparently the main character is nonbinary so that's great. It's about this fellow Feston who decides "fuck it" and fucks off away from their office job and goes to explore the universe with their ship (who I love btw, she's really nice)
There are occasional moments of violence and implications of sexual situations but overall it's pretty safe I think.
THE PENUMBRA PODCAST:
I haven't listened to the other storyline yet but basically it's about this private detective on mars. It's really gay like... REALLY GAY. This is the epitome of the "podcasts are really gay" posts. This podcast is what they're talking about. Aside from that is has a really interesting plot, stellar voice acting and great characters!
This podcast has depictions of violence, body horror at some point, guns (laser guns though) and abuse (there is a warning before those episodes however.
WELCOME TO NIGHTVALE
This is a genre defining podcast. All of the podcasts I just listed proably wouldn't exist without this and it's actually so good. It's fucking trippy, and it's so much fun. You can tell the creators put so much love and thought into the podcast and it's just amazing. Basically it's a radio show about this incredibly weird town. And if I have to explain it to you, that means you need to listen to it.
This podcast is very existential, and since it's just so weird and all over the place in what's weird it's hard to really tag anything, I apologise, plus it's been a while since I've listened to it.
THE ADVENTURE ZONE:
This podcast is so fucking good, you've probably already heard of it, and definitely of the producers, the McElroy family. It's these three brothers and their dad playing DnD (initially) together and I can't even describe it. But it literally made me cry so hard that I got a sinus infection.
There are depictions of violence, torture during the suffering game arc, there's an instance of bury your gays which I'm not gonna elaborate on cause of spoilers but don't worry about it. And sometimes some innuendos and sexual stuff ("hey thug what's your name I'm about to tentacle your dick" is an iconic line and a good example of that)
UNDER PRESSURE:
This podcast is about a philosophy student going to live in a underwater station and it's a lot of fun and the atmosphere of wet and uncomfortable is really excellently communicated. It's another really diverse podcast (which seems to be a trend with Procyon podcasts)
This podcast is not for people who like small spaces and deep ocean.
THE STRANGE CASE OF STARSHIP IRIS:
Maybe I'm just stupid or this one's hard to keep up on. Nevertheless I really liked the characters and it's just really fun. It's about this crew of ragtag smugglers trying to find out what's up with the former ship of their new crewmate. Featuring a lot of diversity (This is a Procyon podcast) and good voice acting.
BEAR BROOK
This is actually a true crime / nonfiction podcast about the Bear Brook murders. It's rather gory and disgusting at times but really interesting.
This podcast is not for the faint of heart though, it is a true crime podcast, and it does talk about the horrible things that a serial killer can do.
THE BRIGHT SESSIONS:
Basically therapy sessions for those with abnormal abilities. It's really good and the characters are actually so amazing. This podcast does a lot of interesting stuff that really interests me. I haven't finished it but I'm currently pretty far in. I think this podcast has the potential to actually help people with their problems.
This podcast has depictions of gaslighting, manipulation, panic attacks, mentions of torture and isolation, attempted kidnapping, actual kidnappings, depictions of war (this has trigger warnings though), and violence
TIME:BOMBS:
I'm actually sad that this is just a three part series. It's so much fun, and so good. It's by the same people who made Wolf 359 and it follows a bomb squad on New Year's Eve. Highly recommend it cause it's a really quick listen.
This podcast has bombs.
LORE:
This podcast deals with true crime and supernatural stuff and is presented in the classic podcast way. It's also really triggering cause of the true crime aspect but I seriously recommend this. It's genuinely really informative.
This podcast like Bear Brook is not for the faint of heart.
MYTHS AND LEGENDS:
This is a really interesting take on various legends it's a mix of storytelling in a very nonfictional sense that slips into dialogue that's rather interesting. I haven't listened to a lot of the episodes but it's good.
This podcast does discuss myths that were a product of their times so there are depictions and mentions of misogyny, rape and violence, even if I haven't listened to all of it.
MYTHUNDERSTOOD:
Has that same kinda switches in storytelling as Myths and Legends but a lot less coordinated and a lot funnier. Its a lot of fun to listen to the podcast and the hosts are really funny.
These also have the same tw as the podcast before this.
ALICE ISNT DEAD:
This is by one of the co-creators of WTNV it's about a trucker trying to find her lost wife. Ive only listened to the first part but it's really good and I highly recommend it. It's actually like amazing and really captivating. Also terrifying.
This podcast has depictions of intense violence, existentialism, and body horror. And probably more I haven't even finished it.
I'm sorry if I didn't include something in the trigger warnings about these podcasts, but I hope it helps. I've been listening to a lot of them and it's so much fun!
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2,7,19,21,34
Thanks for the ask :D2: Talk about your first kiss.I think I talked about my first kiss with Act before, so I’m obviously going to repeat it after I’m done with my first kiss in general 😝So it’s high school, I have this mutual friend with one of the only other Known Gays in school whose name is Lance. So obviously after like just walking with me and our mutual friend once he’s interested and gets my number (with permission from me of course) and we start texting.Eventually it “””””blossoms””””” into a dating relationship thing right. So we become A Thing after cuddling together for warmth at a soccer game where his friend was playing. Fast forward a week and there’s some school band concert or something for winter, and he invites me. It’s hot in there, holding hands is sweaty, and I have an overactive metabolism. Cue me melting. I then proceed to tell him the most shamefully embarrassing line ever: “if I had to die of overheating I’m glad it’s with you~~~~~~ uwuwuwuu”*cue gagging*We then kiss. Awkwardly. I mean like it’s nice because Dudes but it’s not so nice because he was DAMN ugly (he’s gotten better over the years but still, not at all my type even now).Act’s first kiss (ever, and my first with him) was actually super cute. We met online right, and had been consistently chatting and talking on phone and Skype for months. He’s terrified about us finally meeting in person tho, but when we meet it’s just this... awkward yet electric tension between us. We hit it off right away, but the whole day in Savannah we just hang out, no hand holding no touching no kissing. We weren’t sure what the etiquette would be for that kinda thing after all. But after dinner, we decide to go back to my hotel room. We make a fuss pretending we are there to hang out and not have private kissy time but. It breaks pretty fast lol. We start holding hands... which was, to this day, one of the best things I’ve ever felt emotionally. Eventually after lots of cuddling, he asks if we can kiss, even saying he’s been wanting to do that all day.😍 is all I can describe. It was awkward as I hadn’t kissed anyone in years and it was his first time altogether but... man.That was 2 years ago, and I love him. (Also Act jf you’re reading this have a 👬)7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.My mental illness. I’m petrified that I’ll ever actually get better enough to do anything. I already have a hard time doing simple chores, and it cycles into anxiety and depression spirals :(I worry that I won’t ever finish my MA, get a job, or live an even semi functional life I guess.19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.I was talking to some (female) friends on the bus home and made a show about how I didn’t care if they put makeup on me (I forget the context).I did it for the lolz and because I wasn’t at the time self conscious the way I became in high school, so they started applying some. Cue me getting tapped on the back, and being told right to my face by some dude I’d never talked to before “You’re a faggot.”I had no idea how to respond. So I didn’t. Kinda ruined my day tho.21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.I... don’t think I ever have actually?I mean there’s been guys who messaged me on OkCupid who I flat out ignored because they were triple my age, 10% matches, or ugly af and only wanted to fuck. I HAVE however been ghosted by a guy who was a great match. So this poor dude with social anxiety and agoraphobia was a huge match for me and cute to boot. So I message him because he’s a video game fan too, right? No reply at all.Cue a year later, I make my account again, and I get curious and look him up again. Hooolllyyy fuck I dodged a bullet.Dude was a furry 😂😂😂(I met Act the next day)34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.Omg so I was deep frying these like homemade cheese balls when the oil fucking POPS ALL OVER MY FACE AND HANDS.Cue my skin sloughing off as I try to run it under cold water and scream bloody murder. Nicole has to call 911 and before she could tell them no they send an ambulance. They drive me to a hospital way out of the way, drop me off into the emergency room, and then proceed to LEAVE ME THERE GROANING IN PAIN FROM A SECOND DEGREE BURN ON HALF MY HAND FOR AN HOUR.When they administered the pain med IV it was such a damn relief.Like wow, that was awful.Also I accidentally flayed my finger last week with a veggie peeler which at first hurt like hell and then just bled everywhere lol. Wasn’t too bad after the initial bit tho. Just freaked me out because THAT WAS A LOT OF BLOOD.
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dhaval is a character i desperately want to focus more on but i unfortunately put on the back burner way too much.... :(
Basic Information
Full Name: Abner Ignatius MacKay
Nicknames/Aliases: Dhaval Bodaway (please refer to him with this name)
Age: appears to be in his thirties
Gender: dude
Orientation: tbh ive been rly back and forth on his orientation for a long time and im still not 100% sure what it is
Species: human but also divine being
Birthday:
Occupation: amateur comedian and magician, and also sort of jesus sort of
Powers: miracles
Living Family:
Hometown:
Current Residence:
Physical Characteristics
Height: 4′5
Hair: traffic cone orange
Eyes: bright clear blue
Body Type: short rotund little man. most of his weight is focused in his stomach and lower body
Distinguishing Marks: gold tooth. while still completely human, he knocked out his real tooth intentionally so he could get the gold one for aesthetic purposes
Left or Right-Handed: right
Quirks/Habits: absent-mindedly wiping things off on himself, picking at his scalp/ears/other places and eating it without realizing, 95% of the time talking louder or over someone than what is appropriate
Mental/Personality Attributes
Known Languages: technically all of them after he becomes divine, but during his human life he just knew english
Positive Traits: charming, funny (usually only when he’s not trying to be tho), a surprisingly excellent singer, has a heart of gold, generous, tenacious
Neutral Traits: tacky, loud, campy
Negative Traits: unwilling to look at reality in a lot of ways, obnoxious, doesnt know how to take care of himself, unhygienic, wishy-washy, a try-hard
Optimist, Pessimist, or Realist: cusp between optimist and pessimist
Introvert or Extrovert: extrovert
Fears: intimacy
Secrets: he would like to have secrets but maude spoils all of them (if he could be more secretive about himself and build a new life and put some things behind himself, he’d do it)
Likes/Dislikes
General Likes: being the center of attention, making people laugh, impressing others, sparkly stuff, gold, the heat, free stuff
General Dislikes: being cold, being ignored, being the butt of the joke, doing chores, feeling inadequate
Favorite…
Animal:
Color: gold
Food: takeout
Music Genre:
Season: summer
Relationships
Best Friend(s): i guess its maude tbh but honestly he doesnt really have one (once he meets duff tho they become very genuine friends)
Other Friends: ingrid, basira, a lot of other divine beings and spirits, but tbh its mostly one sided on his part
Acquaintances:
Significant Other(s):
Rivals:
Enemies:
Pets:
dhaval is loosely based on headcanons i had for a short while for the pokemon character will.
while dhaval was alive, he was a cut rate comedian who never got as popular or appreciated as he would have liked before he died. once dead, there was a mix-up wherein his spirit accidentally signed a contract meant for someone else far more qualified, putting him in the position of who would essentially be jesus, or at least maudes spiritual opposite. (sure it would be easy enough for ingrid to tell him to fuck off still since she’s running the entire show and who’s gonna tell her she can’t, but honestly to some degree i think she finds the situation funny and just wants to see what he does so she’s gonna stick to the whole Even The Spirit World Has Rules spiel and not bother with getting rid of him any time soon)
the best way i can describe him in terms of mannerisms and etc is that he is very jack black
obviously, he is not the best person for his job, and falls severely short of most people’s expectations, but gosh darn does he try. for about five minutes in front of a crowd he can only get so far with being flashy and impressive but up close and person its painfully obvious he has no idea what he’s doing and its really difficult for him to form interpersonal relationships bc him being himself is a major letdown to a lot of people and also he is extremely obnoxious
its kind of a major blow to his ego and he becomes self conscious about himself around other people which usually leads to him acting out and trying to compensate and making most one-on-one situations either extremely annoying or really awkward
all his life he was an attention-seeker and in death he still is to an extent but when faced with millions of people who think he is their lord and savior it becomes quite a bit daunting and he becomes a person who doesn’t really know what he wants in terms of attention. if he can keep people at arms length and ham it up from there he’s fine, but anything closer becomes too much too fast
on fridays he assumes a more physical form and still tries to do standup but even becoming a divine entity won’t help him come up with funnier jokes
wow this is the first time ive ever written this all out and im realizing he is far more of a sad little man than i thought and i feel bad for him
i want good things for him
here is his charahub page, there are a few extra things there
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131 Questions
1. On Saturdays, I like to…
Depends what mood I’m in or how I’m feeling. If I’m in a tired, ’cba with anything’ mood I can easily lounge in my jammies at home watching telly and playing sims. If I’m in a more energetic ‘need to get out the house’ mood ill persuade my mom to go shopping, or take the dogs out or something
2. Where would you like to be a missionary to?
Idk what that means
3. What’s better — toilet paper rolled over top or underneath?
Over
4. Which Scooby-Doo character are you most like (Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Fred, Velma, the monster, Scrappy?)
Probably shaggy and scooby cause I’m scared of everything
5. If you had to endure one natural disaster (i.e. hurricane, tornado, etc), what would you pick and why?
Idk, hurricane maybe? Id rather not be in any disaster tbh
6. What movie or TV show do you take guilty pleasure in watching?
Not gonna lie, there are some shows on kids tv I actually enjoy watching
7. If you had to describe your day as a traffic sign, what would it be?
Ive had a mental block and I can’t think of any traffic signs
8. What traditional stereotype would you classify yourself as?
I don’t think I really fit into one stereotype. im kind of a nerd but not 100% nerd
9. What “group” did you belong to in high school?
My group was a mishmash of people. we were branded as the weird, geeky, unpopular group by most people
10. If you wrote a book about yourself…what would it be about?
Probably about my experience with mental health and how it affected my school/college years
11. If your house were burning down, what would you take and why?
obviously first thing id do would be check my family and pets were safe. Then id grab my laptop, the teddy I’ve had since I was born and try to get the two boxes from under my bed that I keep my memories in.
12. Describe your favorite pair of PJ’s.
My favourites at the moment are my Christmas ones I bought myself this year. They’re red and white, with a kind of Christmas jumper pattern on them. Its hard to describe them but they’re super cosy
13. How many handbags do you own?
Like two, I’m not big on handbags. I buy one and keep it until its dies then get a new one
14. If this were your last day alive, what would you say to your friends?
Thank them for sticking with me and giving me some great memories
15. What is your very favorite part of your day?
getting into bed at the end of the day
16. What is your best scar? Tell the story of how you got it.
I don’t consider any of my scars ‘best’.. the one that has the most meaning is the one on my stomach. Its from when my appendix burst when I was two years old and my parents said It was 50/50 wether I survived or not
17. You win a million dollars, but you have to give half to a charity. Which charity do you pick, and what do you do with the rest of the money?
probably Birmingham dogs home, or dogs trust
18. Describe your dream wedding where money is no option.
IF I every do get married, I would like a winter/christmas wedding cause Christmas is my favourite time of year and winter weather is a bit more predictable. Id want to get married in a church, then go to a big castle hall for the reception. Honeymoon in lapland!
19. What kind of deodorant do you use?
I think its either dove or sure..? I can’t remember. its a spray deodrant though, can’t deal with those horrid wet stick ones
20. If you were a spy what would your alias be?
is alias like, spy name? I don’t know, I can’t think of anything cool haha
21. Do you have a birth mark? Where? Does it look like anything?
Nope, don’t think so
22. You are planning the most awesome dinner party of your life. Which 3 celebrities/historical figures (past or present) would you add to your guest list to keep the dinner talk interesting?
Edie Redmayne because.. its eddie redmayne and he’s just adorable. kate mckinnon would be a freakin’ amazing dinner party guests I chose her and I can’t think who id chose for the third person.. maybe Walt Disney. NO WAIT, JOHNNY DEPP!! I choose Johnny Depp, I feel like he’d have a lot of great stories
23. What is your favorite sport, and which team of that sport do you cheer for?
None
24. Which would you rather have a kiss or a hug? Why?
Hug
25. If you could be a pair of jeans what style would you be? Why?
Skinny jeans, so I could be skinny :’)
26. You have multiple personalities, describe some of them.
too many to go into
27. What is the best thing you have done in your life?
Probably passing my driving test. OR, when I was 17 I got certified as a Zumba instructor. even though I ended up having to give up Zumba, thats probably the thing I’m the most proud of in my life so far. As someone who suffers anxiety/panic attacks it was a massive achievement to travel to blackpool, go dance at Winter Gardens ballroom ON MY OWN in a room full of strangers for 6 hours, and come out with a certificate.
28. If you were blind for the rest of your life… what would you miss seeing the most?
Everything. It would be awful. Id probably miss seeing my dogs faces the most
29. What household chore do you hate the most?
Washing the dishes, or hanging my clothes up in the closet
30. What is your most disappointing moment in life?
the whole college experience. dropping two of my a levels, failing the other two. Then dropping out of college course. And again, dropping out of another college course. Not a great 3 years for me.
31. When have you laughed the hardest? Cried?
today. I realised my dog’s haircut made him look like Edna Mode from the incredibles.. easily amused. Last time I cried, Im not sure. The last time I remember crying was Christmas Eve
32. If you had a “theme song” that played whenever you walk into a room full of people, what would it be?
My cellophane from Chicago? Haha idk
33. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
General appearance. Probably what they’re wearing, their hair, their face. If I’m up close face to face with someone the first thing I notice are eyes and mouth
34. What time period from the past would you most have liked to live in and why?
80s, I like the music
35. What is the best reward anyone can give you?
support
36. If you had a band what would you name it?
Idk, I used to have a name I said I would use but I can’t remember now
37. Do you like fruit? Vegetables?
Not really. The only fruit I like is apples and bananas. The only veg I like are peas
38. What can someone do to encourage you?
tell me they believe in me and be genuine about it
39. If you could be one for just 24 hours, what cereal box cartoon character would you be? Why?
What a bazaar question haha! Erm, the one from coco pops? The monkey
40. What was the best thing that happened to you this weekend?
New Years day. i spent the day surrounded by family at my sisters house and we stayed they’re till almost 2am playing heads up and singing too loud
41. What is your favorite animal? List three adjectives to explain your choice.
Ffs, I don’t know what an adjective is :’) favourite animal: dogs. Loyal, cuddly, goofballs
42. What is your favorite color? List three adjectives to explain your choice.
Again with the adjectives, gah! Fave colour, purple. I don’t know why, I just like it leave me alone
43. It’s a very hot and muggy day. You desperately want something very cool and refreshing to quench your thirst and revitalize your body. What would you drink — either make your own or store-bought.
Cold water obvs
44. You discover that the person you’re head-over-heels interested in loves a good homemade & handmade dessert. What will you concoct when you have this person over?
Cookies, either salted caramel or Nutella filled
45. What would you leave in your will for the person you care about the most?
Idk, I don’t really have anything to leave :’)
46. What do you consider to the most valuable thing you own: when you were a child/teenager/now?
Child: probably something stupid like dolls. Teenager: idk, laptop? Now: again probably laptop since I bought a new one yesterday. I would say dog but I don’t own the dog
47. What’s the kindest act you have ever seen done?
Idk
48. If you could have any job in the world, which one would you want?
Actress, or dancer. Or animal trainer for movies/tv
49. What are your best/worst subjects in school and what subjects would you want to learn now?
Best subjects: none. Worst subjects: all of them, but especially science.
50. What are you most talented at?
Nothing :’)
51. What is your worst nightmare today?
Still being the way I am now this time next year
52. How often do you clean between your toes?
Idk, like almost every day I think
53. What is your favorite way to waste time at work without getting caught?
I don’t have a job so idk
54. If you could have had the starring role in one film already made, which movie would you pick?
Tina in Fantastic Beasts.. being part of that amazing film AND getting to spend all that time with Eddie Redmayne <3
55. If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do?
I don’t want to be apart of a circus
56. If you could eliminate one thing you do each day in the bathroom so that you never had to do it again, what would it be?
Having to go to the bathroom <- yup, that
57. You were just given a yacht. What would you name it?
the mad hatter
58. If you could have been told one thing that you weren’t told when you were a teenager, what would you like to have heard?
‘Dont expect everything to get better in college. It only gets worse’
59. You’ve just been hired to a promotions position at Kellog Co. What would you put in a new breakfast cereal box as a gimmick?
These questions are hard man
60. Just like “Everybody Wang Chung tonight!”, what action would your name be if it were a verb?
wtf
61. Name your favorite song.
At the moment, I’m loving Todrick Hall ‘no place like home’
62. If you were to get a tattoo, what would it say or what would the graphic be?
I have a tattoo. I have 3 musical notes behind my ear. I want another tattoo, i want a lighthouse on the side of my foot under my ankle
63. If you could play any musical instrument, what would it be and why? If you already play an instrument(s), what do you play and why?
ive just started playing the ukulele, my dad bought me one for Christmas
64. When trick-or-treating as a kid, was there any kind of candy that you didn’t like to get?
I never went trick or treating
65. Why do you live in the Washington DC area?
I dont :’)
66. What is your favorite memory of Christmases past?
Just Christmas in general
67. What is the most outrageous thing you’ve done for God?
I haven’t done anything outrageous.. the most ‘unlike me’ thing I did was stand up in front of my church and give a testimony. It was terrifying and I cried with relief when it was over haha
68. If a movie was being made of your life and you could choose the actor/actress to play you, who would you choose and why?
Jennifer Lawrence
69. Paper or plastic?
Paper I guess idk
70. What was the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?
I don’t eat anything weird, I’m a very boring eater
71. What do you keep in the trunk of your car?
I have a basket which I keep de-icer, ice scraper, washer liquid, a torch, gloves, hat, tennis balls and dog poop bags
72. When you were in grade school, what did you want to be when you grew up? Why?
I wanted to be someone who looked after peoples cats when they went on holiday.. don’t ask why
73. If you owned a CB radio what would your “handle” be?
I dont know what that means
74. If you were given 24 hrs to live, what would you do?
I can’t even, questions like this stress me out
75. If you were in the “Miss America” talent competition, what would your talent be? (Note: both guys & gals have to answer this question)
i dont know, probably bring the dog on stage and dance with him or something haha
76. What do you think the most ultimate gift of the world is?
Uh.. idk. I feel like this survey is gonna be really boring cause most my answers are ‘idk’
77. What is your earliest childhood memory?
Earliest memory is mom dropping me off at preschool and my crying my eyes out being carried off by the teacher
78. What was your favorite TV show when you were growing up?
I had many. I had a lot of veggitales videos
79. If you had one extra hour of free time a day, how would you use it?
Either sleep, or just more time sitting on the sofa wasting my life
79. What CD is in your CD player right now?
Rend Collective, Campfire II
80. The great theologian Andy Warhol stated that everyone gets 15 minutes of fame. What happened during your 15 minutes?
Still waiting for mine
81. Name the most famous person you’ve had a face to face encounter with.
I met the wanted, Andy Jordan and literally bumped into laurence llewelyn-bowen in hobby craft last year
82. Name your favorite children’s story.
Anything by road Dahl, the whole chronicles of Narnia or the grufflo
83. If you could spend 15 minutes with any living person, who would it be and why?
hmm.. I haven’t mentioned eddie redmayne enough in this survey so ill say him :’) or Kate McKinnon.. love her
84. What person in the Bible do you most closely identify with?
Esther was my favourite growing up, and now I’m older I identify with her a lot
85. What article of clothing most closely describes your personality?
A hoodie because you can pull the hood over your head and hide away just like I’ve been doing for a long time <-this
86. If you were to write a book what would it be about?
Im sure I answered this question earlier..?
87. How many rings before you answer the phone?
I don’t really do that. I see who’s ringing and I either answer it or I don’t
88. What is the first thing you think of when you wake in the morning?
Lie there contemplating wether to wake up or go back to sleep
89. If you won a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Pay off they money I owe. Pay off parents debts, and sisters debts. Give them money. Buy a house in Bournemouth. Set up a doggy day care business.
90. If you had to, what part of your body would you get pierced?
No thanks
91. Who was your favorite teacher and why?
My English/drama teacher in the first year of senior school. She found out I was having difficulties and became like a mentor to be. She helped me out a lot.
92. What makes you feel the most secure?
My family
93. Who do you admire the most?
Mom
94. Have you ever had a reoccurring dream? What was it?
I’ve had dreams about my teeth falling out a few times. Recently I keep having dreams about being in bed with spiders and snakes crawling on me and wake up hitting my duvet and generally freakin the f out
95. What was your nickname growing up?
Bong
96. Who was your hero when you were a child, and what did you do to be like them?
My dad. I would try to play his guitars and would tag along with him when he went to his evening jobs
97. Peanut or plain?
Peanut or plain what..?
98. What is your favorite cartoon character & why?
I don’t actually know
99. How did you learn to ride a bicycle?
all I remember is my dad took me to the park and held on to the bike while I cycled, then let me go and I rode into a tree
100. Based on something you’ve already done, how might you make it into the Guinness Book of World Records?
The ability to jump to the worst conclusion in the quickest time
101. What’s the closest you’ve come to becoming a pop star/winning an Oscar?
No where near
102. When was the last time you did something for the first time? What was it?
I honestly can’t think of anything
103. What is your concept of a fruitful day?
I dont know what that means..
104. What was your favorite thing to play with as a child? Why?
I was quite an active child, I spent a lot of time climbing trees and running around outdoors. When I wasn’t doing that, my favourite toys were bratz dolls
105. If you could be any animal in the world for 24 hours, which animal would you be? Why?
a bird, I would love to experience flying
106. Have you ever jumped out of a plane?
Nope, im not adventurous enough for that
107. If you could rid the world of one thing, what would it be?
Hate/war/terror
108. What is your best personal characteristic?
Ughhhh I hate questions like this, I’m not good at saying nice stuff about myself
109. What is your favorite quote?
“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those you don’t believe in magic will never find it.” - Roald Dahl
110. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do?
Sneak onto a film set and see what its like
111. What is your favorite weird food combination?
Im not into any weird food combinations. Like I said earlier, I’m not adventurous enough
112. If you had to be a flower, which one would you like to be and why?
Maybe a rose, cause they’re pretty but they have thorns so they fight back again people who try to pick them :’)
113. If you were stranded on a desert island, what three books and three people would you take with you?
3 books: Fantastic beasts and where to find them, Harry Potter and the cursed child (cause its the one I’m reading atm) and a bible.
3 people: my mom, my dad and my sis
114. My biggest pet peeve is…
People in general
115. What is your favorite commercial? What commercial annoys you the most?
I don’t really have a favourite. they all tend to annoy me after a while. OH WAIT! One advert I will never get fed up of is the Coca Cola Christmas one, ‘Holidays are Coming’
116. What’s the most interesting “Ice Breaker” Question you have ever been asked?
I avoid situations that require ice breaker questions.
117. If you could be an ice cream flavor, what would it be? Why?
Salted caramel, cause its my fave idk
118. Name a turning point in your life that makes you smile/cry.
Makes me cry: probably the year I dropped out of college for the third time, got dianosed with depression then got ill with thyroid shit
Makes me smile: maybe, going back to church this year because its changed my life for the better and set our family on an exciting journey thats just beginning :)
119. If there were a holiday in your honor what would it celebrate?
everyone who isn’t perfect, who is awkward, and fails at stuff a lot
120. What clubs were you a member of in High School? Are you still interested in any of the same things?
I joined a drama club for like a week before it got shut down because there wasn’t enough members
121. If you were to be on a reality TV show which one would you be on and why?
Probably big brother, I have no talents so I couldn’t go on anything else :’)
122. If you could be anything in the world, what would you be and why?
Someone with talent. preferably someone who could sing, dance and act and was in musicals
123. If someone rented a billboard for you, what would you put on it?
‘Make the effort to make someone smile today’
124. If you had to enter a competition for the “Most Uselessly Unique Talent,” what would your talent be?
The ability to get animals to like me
125. If you were a Smurf, what would your name be?
Awkward smurf, talentless smurf, failure smurf
126. What is your worst personality characteristic?
Please refer to previous answer
127. If you had to be a teacher of something, what would you teach?
well I completed a night course in canine behaviour so I guess I could teach how to care for and train dogs
128. How would you like to be remembered?
Someone who made people smile
129. What is one thing that you constantly think about (other than material things)?
Whether I’m doing the right thing or not. what I should be doing with my life.
130. What do you like best about your hometown?
I don’t know, I guess the fact that its got a nice reputation
131. Something interesting you might not know about me is…
Im not very interesting..
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What Is NSLDS and How Can You Use It for Your Student Loans?
New Post has been published on https://loansguideto.com/%20/awesome/what-is-nslds-and-how-can-you-use-it-for-your-student-loans/
What Is NSLDS and How Can You Use It for Your Student Loans?
When you have multiple student loans scattered across different loan servicers that have been distributed at different times, how do you keep track of them all? Is there an easy way to get the latest info on all of your loans?
Yes — there is. It’s called the NSLDS. In this article, we’ll explain what it is and how you can use it to get info on all of your student loans.
Quick Navigation What Is NSLDS ?How to Find Your Loans in NSLDSHow To Read Your NSLDS Loan CodesKeeping Your Contact Information up to Date
What Is NSLDS?
NSLDS stands for the National Student Loan Data System. It is the Department of Education’s central location for federal student loans. You can find the NSLDS at www.nslds.ed.gov. Note that this is a. gov URL.
NSLDS lists all Title IV loans and grants that were issued in association with the Department of Education. If you are curious what is entailed by Title IV, it’s simply federal student aid funds.
Title IV monies include :P TAGENDDirect Subsidized/ Unsubsidized LoanDirect Graduate PLUS LoanDirect PLUS LoanPell GrantSEO GrantPerkins Loan
Title IV funds are restricted to certain allowable charges :P TAGENDTuitionMandatory feesRoom& committee, if contracted with the university
Student loan refinancing, private student loans, personal loansNo origination fees or application feesFast and easy online application processUp to $1,000 bonus when your loan shuts
Get Started
Now that you know what NSLDS is all about, the next segment will describe how to access your student loan information.
How to Find Your Loans in NSLDS
Without the NSLDS, finding all of your outstanding federal student loans would be quite a chore. You’d have to pull your credit report and identify each loan. Then contact the specific servicer of that loan to get a balance. With the NSLDS, such tedious investigation isn’t necessary.
You may have enrolled in the NSLDS when you first signed up for federal student loans. Even if you aren’t sure, you can log in by click “Financial Aid Review” from the homepage. Try the login credential you may have created a few years back. If that doesn’t work, there are options if you forgot your username or password to assist you in gain access.
If you’ve never generated a login credential for NSLDS, merely opt the “Create An FSA ID” option after clicking any of the links from the home page. Since all connections require you to log in, you are able to see the option to create one. You won’t need any special documents to create a login credential — only a valid email address and your Social Security number. After creating a login credential, you’ll be brought back to the login page.
Once your login credential is validated, agree to the NSLDS words. After concurring, you’ll be presented with a page demonstrating all of your federal student loans. Those with a zero balance in the “Outstanding Principal” column have been paid in full. Note that outstanding balances are not in real-time, so you won’t be viewing the most up-to-date information.
Depending on the loans you’ve taken out, the number of listed loans can go well up into the double digits. Below all of your listed loans, the website consolidates totals by loan type and also provides a total loan amount. To the left of each loan will be a number in a blue box. Clicking this number will provide details for that loan. These details include the following :P TAGENDType of loanUniversity attended when loan was obtainedDisbursement dateLoan statusLoan interest rateContact information for the servicer
Below your listed loans are any awards that you may have been awarded. Awards, of course, do not need to be paid back. But since they were issued by the federal government, they are listed.
On the NSLDS website home page, you may have noticed a large button called “MyStudentData Download.” You’ll have to log in to download anything but this button offer an alternative view of your loans. It’s actually a plain text file. It isn’t the friendliest format, but if for some reason you need that format, it is available. This same button is available in the details page of each loan as well.
How To Read Your NSLDS Loan Codes
Reading your NSLDS file can be challenging. However, we put together the below listing of loan codes to at least make it a little easier to decipher.
DLSTFD- Direct Subsidized Stafford LoanDLUNST- Direct Unsubsidized Stafford LoanDLPLGB- Direct Student PLUS LoanDLPLUS- Direct Parent PLUS LoanDLSCNS- Direct Subsidized Consolidation LoanDLUCNS- Direct Unsubsidized Consolidation LoanDLCNSL- Direct Consolidation LoanDLPCNS- Direct Parent PLUS Consolidation LoanDLSSPL- Direct Subsidized Spousal Consolidation LoanDLUSPL- Direct Unsubsidized Spousal Consolidation LoanDLSPCN- Direct Spousal Consolidation LoanTEACH- Direct TEACH Loan( this is a TEACH grant that became a loan) STFFRD- Federal Stafford LoanUNSTFD- Federal Unsubsidized Stafford LoanPLUS- Federal Parent PLUSSUBCNS- Subsidized Consolidation LoanUNCNS- Unsubsidized Consolidation LoanCNSLDN- Consolidation LoanKeeping Your Contact Information up to Date
If it’s been a few years since you’ve taken out your loans, you’ve probably finished school and started your career. This also means you’ve probably moved at least once. The contact information in the NSLDS should be checked and updated if necessary.
You can easily update your datum by clicking “Your Contact Info” in the menu bar.
If you need to speak with someone about NSLDS, you can reach them at 1-800-4-FED-AID( 1-800-433-3243) or by email at studentaid @ed. gov.
The NSLDS website can save you a lot of time in get an overall picture of your loan balances and status. Since NSLDS provides contact info for each servicer, it would be a good idea to establish login credentials with each servicer’s website. By going to each servicer, you’ll have the most up-to-date information about your loans and can attain or adjust any payments.
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Madam president: are female leaders better for women?
Hillary Clinton would have done more for women than Trump, but less than Bernie Sanders. What is womens politics, anyway and who does it best?
This piece started with the assumption that in 2017 we would have a feminised global stage: thered be Hillary Clinton in the White House, Theresa May in Downing Street, Angela Merkel in the Bundeskanzleramt, and Marine Le Pen in a hollowed-out volcano. I wanted to know: what would such a spectrum of women in power, with their various viewpoints, tell us about womens politics? Is there such a thing? Is it a good thing? And how do you square a feminist desire for female leaders with the ascension of non-feminist ones? But it didnt quite turn out like that. Now, those questions seem peripheral.
When Donald Trump won, the notion of a broad, instinctive female solidarity was brutally exposed as myth: open misogyny in word, demeanour and the shape of a dozen sexual assault allegations deterred only a minority of women voters.
But now that we are in the grip of strongman politics, it is impossible to give up on the notion of womens politics. We face a gender equality crisis. The sharp end of this is that any authoritarian politician, from President Trump to Ukips Paul Nuttall, tends to be anti-abortion, having correctly identified that the best way to dominate a woman is to take away her choice of when to be a mother. But thats just the beginning: big daddy politics seeks no consensus, brooks no resistance, acknowledges no pluralism. We no longer have the luxury of time, which means ditching nuanced debate in favour of action. But action how?
Already Trumps inauguration has generated one response, the thing people do when they must do something but dont know what: they take to the streets. Todays Womens March on Washington, planned by a woman named Bob Bland, references both the March on Washington of 1963 and the Million Woman March on Philadelphia in 1997; a UK version is also taking place in London.
When I spoke to the organiser, Emma McNally, a 47-year-old artist, I thought she was being evasive on the womens politics question. It wasnt evasion, she said, it was a resistance to oversimplification, which, she says infantilises us and makes us very malleable. If we know who we are, we know who we belong with, then we feel strong, we can act with certainty. In other words, you cant just meet the simplicity of the tough guy with the simplicity of the elemental woman.
Youll waste a lot of time if you get mired in a discussion of what womens values are cooperation, empathy, humanity, solidarity and whether or not one gender has a right to annex them. This is what Sophie Walker, leader of the new-ish Womens Equality Party (WEP), remembers of the unfeminist 90s. We were always being diverted into a conversation about what feminism was. We couldnt ever get to the point of what a feminist does, because we had to spend all that time talking about what one looks like. The challenge now, she says, is to look at all politics through the lens of gender, because thats the only way were going to build a country that functions properly, in which everybody is seen and everybody is heard.
When Donald Trump won, the notion of a broad, instinctive female solidarity was brutally exposed as myth. Photograph: John Gurzinski/AFP/Getty Images
Twenty-one years ago, a series of postcards appeared in the Body Shop, which in those days wasnt a way to kill time in a station, but rather the embodiment of progressive consumerism. Its founder, Anita Roddick, was a feminist and an environmentalist who, with activists Bernadette Vallely, Sue Tibballs and others, asked an open-ended question: what do women want?
Their methodology was not dissimilar to Shere Hites 1976 report on female sexuality: you could be anonymous or not, and the sample was whoever replies. The flaws in this approach basically, that it preselected women who could afford to arse about in the Body Shop, and could also afford a stamp have been exhaustively pointed out. The fact is, with 6,000 replies, containing 46,000 suggestions, it remains the biggest independent survey of women ever undertaken in the UK. At the end of 2015, Tibballs and others launched it again, and their What Women Want 2.0 is still in train; the Womens Equality party has been collecting some of the responses while canvassing.
I worked on the original report, in a very peripheral capacity, and not for the right reasons (I was chasing a guy; it was quite circuitous, but it worked). I didnt believe in the report, not at all: the language felt soft and victimy; it was all about childcare and maternity leave, which is not at all interesting when you havent got children; and violence against women, which is of course! vitally important, but couldnt harness or accommodate the politics of optimism that prevailed at the time. I was waiting for a world in which children werent a womens issue, given that half the bloody things are male (and half of the making is done by men). A recurring demand for a healthy planet and respect for our planetary resources seemed to imply that women, by our very natures, cared more about the future. Elsewhere in the report, a National Health Service with proper funding got rolled into support for positive and alternative health, as if socialising medicine and believing in homeopathy were one and the same.
I wasnt the only sceptic: famously, the 1990s saw a dip in the popularity of feminism. At the Evening Standard newspaper, where I then worked, it was not unusual to get letters from readers saying, Yes, I agree with equal pay and abortion rights. But would I call myself a feminist? No thanks!
Theresa May is she better or worse than Margaret Thatcher? Photograph: Kirsty Wigglesworth/AP
Last October, at the south London office of the Womens Equality party, members of the What Women Want team sat down with party staff to compare the original 1996 responses with todays, and ask whats changed in 20 years. I expected to hear about newfangled concerns. Cybercrime, perhaps, or polyamory.
In fact, most things havent changed, and those that have have changed for the worse. Women still want decent childcare and equal wages, but now they also want to be able to afford the rent; they still want to feel safe in public spaces, but now they would also like, if you please, not to get death threats every time they go online and give a view; they still want environmental sustainability to come before profit, but global solidarity has largely slipped out of the language (though there are positive signs that its back again: the recent threat to limit abortion rights in Poland sparked the Black Umbrellas protests across Europe).
In the 90s, women talked a lot about what they wanted from their boyfriends and partners: sometimes help with the chores, sometimes sex, sometimes recognition. Now, theres plenty about men en masse, how they should be educated about rape and consent; but in terms of the relationships that build their identity, women talk only about their children. This seems completely obvious to the women I speak to in their 20s. It would be so out of fashion now to hinge my identity as a feminist on my relationship with my partner, says Priscilla Mensah, members officer for the WEP. Hannah Peaker, the WEPs chief of staff, recalls one poignant response that struck her: One woman talking about the disappointment that moment, either when children come along, or youre trying to buy a house, when you realise that equality wasnt real, when you see how sexist things are underneath.
Peaker is savage on the way the rise of freelance work has impacted women. Theres been this really clever branding around women entrepreneurs. But if you look at the data, these are women who have been driven to working for themselves because they couldnt get the flexibility they needed. Theyre just doing the same jobs with no rights, no benefits, no maternity leave.
Pensions have about equal prominence in the original report and today, except that then the problem was that the system was based on the male-breadwinner model, and divorced pensioners lost out; now, the 2011 Pensions Act (which brought womens pensionable age into line with mens) means that all women born in the 1950s lose out. The responses were more or less exactly the same, almost word for word: Ive worked 44 years, and its completely unfair, says Mensah. There was a real sense of injustice. One cannot help wondering whether, if women pushing 60 were as large a part of the body politic as men, this change would have been sprung on them so blithely.
One striking similarity between the 90s and now is the complaints about media representation: the invisibility of older women; objectification; women described according to their looks rather than their achievements. There is no perceptible difference in the importance women place on safety from harassment, from violence although two decades ago there was more discussion around international security, the threat of war, the nuclear threat. Im struck, Tibballs says, by how safety is still such a big thing. Peaker tells us she has spoken to women, while campaigning, who say they probably spend about an hour extra a day planning around safety, without even thinking about it. One woman talked about it as a tax, the way she would have to get a taxi after 11pm, to avoid the walk home, or join a gym, because she couldnt run through a park in the winter.
Its such a foreign issue to men, says publicist Will Hill, who has been involved in the new survey. I did a focus group with young teenage girls in Brighton, asking what they wanted. I was expecting better access to music, tech, all that. And they all said, Street lighting.
Angela Merkel a way point as a leader.
Photograph: Ullstein Bild via Getty Images
Alison Shergold was one of the original respondents, and at the time a fundraiser for Rape Crisis London: in 1996, she wanted statutory funding bodies for rape crisis centres throughout the UK. Now, she works in an upmarket commercial estate agent and says ruefully, Ive sold my soul to the corporate beast. She resists the urge to generalise about anything. I was in a lesbian relationship when I did the first survey, and my girlfriend was a separatist, very anti-men. I wasnt: I know some lovely men and some bitch women. Some things have got better, she thinks; others not. I dont think any of the goals were achieved. [Rape] conviction rates havent changed, or preventing it. I dont even want to change the world any more; I just want violence against women to stop, violence against everybody.
The projects cofounder Tibballs, meanwhile, takes a Kipling-esque approach to triumph and disaster, describing success and abject failure with the same cheerful straightforwardness. There is something intellectually wholesome, tireless and timeless about her, like a lady poet of the 30s or a Victorian explorer. The job that the project did, 20 years ago, was that it made it absolutely clear that you cannot, as a political party, not have a position on women and equality. Childcare wasnt in a single manifesto it wasnt part of the conversation. We put it on the agenda. And yet, she counters herself, Where the hell are we?
***
Perhaps we shouldnt be defining womens issues or perspectives, but rather highlighting those that are distinctively male. For instance, since the financial crash of 2008, there has been a political fetish for hard work. Families are legitimised by the prefix hard-working; immigrants divided into net contributors to the taxing state, or beneficiaries of it. Citizens are weighed by their economic activity, with moral disapprobation attached to those who are inactive.
This is nonsensical, since we all know that everyone is economically inactive for some part of their lives, and often youre working a lot harder when youre not being paid (childcare in your prime; volunteering in retirement; caring when there is nobody else to care). Often that work brings more to society than its cash equivalent. Practically speaking, these are political or economic conditions that hit women in a particular way; to respond to them as individuals rather than as a group is foolish like a thousand atomised complaints about pollution from people who all live on the same A-road.
It would be remiss to ignore conventional politics in this. I asked the Labour MP Margaret Hodge how she thinks womens politics have changed during her near 25 years in Westminster. She related an argument shed had recently with Harriet Harman about whether Theresa May is better or worse than Margaret Thatcher. May has done some good stuff, stuff that doesnt really impinge on her, like [tackling] FGM, Hodge says. It doesnt cost her very much, politically, but I dont think Mrs T would have done it. Is a female prime minister who takes FGM seriously, but waves through an austerity programme that devastates more women than men better than one who actively avoids any solidarity with her sex?
If, as Hodge maintains, the Trump-Clinton contest showed that politicians always tend to have gender-specific approaches to their politics, this becomes like a puzzle: is it always better to have one woman than no women, regardless of whether she fights for women? Or is politics like a BBC panel show: one woman, described as a minimum, is functionally a maximum? A non-feminist woman is currently occupying a space that would be better filled, for women generally, by someone who went in to bat for us.
How does Hodge feel about the use of the word feminism? Im delighted that feminism is back. Ive called myself a feminist throughout my career when it was fashionable, when it was deeply unfashionable. Women over 35 identify themselves to one another this way, a shibboleth of authenticity, like loving the Pixies before they were cool: its all very well being a feminist today, but where were you in the 90s?
My own idiosyncratic political position in the 90s was nothing of the sort, but the meeting of two frontiers, which squeezed the feminist space until its pips squeaked. On the one hand, there was the overhang of Thatcherism; it was an ethos in which, as Hodge says, you proved your brilliance as a woman by beating men on their own terms. To raise womens issues was akin to pleading weakness. On the other, there was the 80s residue of career women who had toughed it out, either forgoing having children or returning to work after 10 days maternity leave; they were genuinely scornful of that side of the equality agenda. Hodge remembers terrible resentment against any concessions on childcare or maternity leave. They didnt want to see these changes: they felt theyd made these sacrifices, and why should we have it all? It was an era when solidarity itself had fallen out of fashion: and without it, what bonded women? Hoovering and childbirth? No, thanks!
Nicola Sturgeon takes a keen interest in low wages and the systems that create them. Photograph: Bloomberg via Getty Images
Thinking about it now, I am beset by a sense of failure. I ceded the language of solidarity in favour of individual rights. I took no pride in the womens movement and its history, and lost that organisational muscle memory. I was happy to argue the toss about whether environmentalism and childcare were female in essence, rather than saying, Who are you people who think profit is more important than the planet? Who thinks childcare isnt a group effort?
Meanwhile, this is the politics that was developing in tandem: the hyper-masculinist language of self-interest, tough talk, militarism, competitiveness and control, all now considered normal. The essential cooperative qualities that any society needs to be halfway functioning are currently considered not only unrealistic but wishy-washy, pass and rather niche. But I do not feel downhearted: this situation cant last because it is just too stupid.
I was looking in the wrong place for the value of the idea. It was never meant to be a coherent programme of female-friendly actions, to which all right-thinking women would subscribe. It may be that there is no such thing as a womens issue but still, on any given subject, there is always a distinct womens perspective, without which you will never meaningfully understand it. Feminism is always in the detail, in each granular answer, in every individual woman.
Having female leaders is clearly useful. But a woman at the top can never, even with feminist bona fides up the wazoo, bring the complete perspective of her gender. So much of this is about power: how a shrinking state throws its burdens back on to individuals; how those individuals are usually women; how this is ignored by the language of competition and self-interest.
Clinton would have been better for women than Trump, merely by maintaining Obamacare and not redistributing wealth upwards; but not as good as Bernie Sanders, with his more coherent vision for empowering the dispossessed. May is probably no better or worse for women than Cameron was, although her predecessor might have worked harder to keep an on-the-record misogynist (Philip Davies MP) off the committee for women and equalities. Angela Merkel is less good for her gender than Nicola Sturgeon, who takes a keener interest in low wages and the systems that create them.
In the end, all these leaders are way points, not end points. To wish they were better, gutsier, more harmonious feminists is a needless distraction: far better to wish them part of a bigger choir.
Read more: http://ift.tt/2kcHF5k
from Madam president: are female leaders better for women?
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