#its not cancer lol
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im so fucking tired of going to the doctors. i cant keep up. every week its a new test or a new lab or a new specialist. i'm just exhausted. i have to go in for blood work AGAIN- this is the fourth time since april. its expensive, and time consuming, and honestly? im tired. im just tired. all the fucking time im tired of the lack of answers, and the phone calls in the middle of the day, and crying at work in front of my students, and opening my email to new lab results every other day. IM TIRED OF IT!!! im not even afraid of hospitals or needles i never have been, even as a kid, but i couldnt stop crying last time i got bloodwork. ive never been upset by bloodwork before what the fuck. last week i had an ultrasound of my liver and i got a call in the middle of the work day today that i need to get a BONE SCAN?? are you kidding me?? im scared. and im tired. and im angry. and i dont want to do any of this. i just want to cry and isolate myself and go to bed and not see anyone ever but i cant fucking do that because i have to go get injected with radioactive contrast material and wait four hours so they can see what is wrong with my bone enzymes.
#i think the worst of it is i can FEEL myself being a bad teacher#and i can FEEL myself being less patient with my students#and yelling more#and crying at work every day#its not fair to them and i should go back on medical leave but i need to get paid.#i dont qualify for FMLA as a teacher#i can also feel myself being a worse friend#and just being emotionally so heavy to be arround#or#isolating entirely#and not texting back or talking to people i love#because what do you even say to someone you love a lot who wants to comfort you#but who you dont want comfort from at the moment#like#im scared#and there arent any answers#and maybe something is wrong and maybe something isnt wrong and maybe its all in my head and maybe its bone cancer#its not cancer lol#like there is no evidence of that im just being dramatic and frealing out about the worst case scenario#its probably my thyroid or my vit d or malnutrition or a fracture we didnt know about or something else#but it doesnt make me feel any better to be rational#and im hurting my friends and my students and myself by being as anxious as i am all the time#but like what choice do i have i feel hysterical#but also they wouldnt be ordering blood tests and ultrasounds and bone scans and x rays and heart monitors and tilt table tests and neuro#if they thought it was all in my head... right? like my lab work SHOWS that there is a problem..but i still feel like im crazy
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Some healing otters for my mum
#bc she had chemo medicine injected directly into her liver monday#i never kno whats going on with her cancer stuff. like technically shes stage 4#bc it started in her uterus now its in her abdomen. liver. maybe her thyroid?#idk but its like not that aggressive of a cancer so fucking idk but ill be v sad when she dies#hopefully thats a long time from now but like shes done so much chemo thats gotta take time off ur life reguardless of the actual cancer#idk its just not fair. she's a good person and doesn't deserve this#original art#otter#lol sometimes when i draw otters blogs devoted to gay otters will reblog it and im like lmao hi 👋#ugh. i could have drawn this better but time time. who has the time?
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Nobody can party like we do at a dad party!
#luh's drawings#art#drawing#rain world#rain world downpour#rain world hunter#rain world artificer#artihunter#rain world spearmaster#rain world gourmand#idk what the gourm and spear ship name is but they are parent to the orange one#they are celebrating hunters 1 year cancer free or something idk#pretty fun using patterns#soooo rw dad au or something? lol maybe ill make more of this au#i think its pretty funny lol rw but they are all dads#updating the tags#rain world kebab#rw kebab#rw dad au
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🌷Astrology Observations🌷
-Of all the Water Suns, I find Cancer Suns to be the most direct about how you make them feel. They will almost always address anything they did or didn’t like in the moment
*Bonus: I find Cancer Suns are only passive aggressive if you DONT do something to resolve their negative feelings at the moment it was presented
-Having heavy Sagittarius placements makes you pretty bad at keeping promises. Mainly because you will rely on what you want to do in the moment rather than what someone else expects of you
-Fire Suns are the least likely to post on social media while Earth Suns are the most likely to post something on social media
#you would think fire suns post more but actually no lol#i still havent looked into what sun sign tends to gain more following on socials tho#a lot of sun sign stuff today#its so pretty rn its stormy#astrology#astrology observations#astrologer#sun signs#Sagittarius#cancer#cancer sun#fire sun#earth sun#earth signs#fire signs#water suns#water signs#i have heavy sag placements too i wish i wasnt like that#but i will keep very specific ones
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started rewatching the show and I think they should bring back when the gang would openly express their love for each other :(
#yeah yeah i get that they get worse as people as the series goes on#im watching Charlie has cancer and Dee straight up says she loves charlie#i miss when they were actual friends :(#although i do love when they fight lol#iasip#its always sunny in philadelphia
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Did you by chance cosplay feferi back in 2012
uhhh yeah, I think it was in 2012! Quite a long time ago though, and that costume's since been sold. But a couple pics went really big...
This one was the most well-known, I think!
#cancerously asks#answers#cancerously cosplay#its been a while since i posted cosplay on here lol#i dont do it as much these days
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So, it's a few hours after the event, and I have a lot to say. Not about the event itself, but about Techno.
I don't know where to start with Techno. He was amazing. Obviously, I never knew him personally, but I watched him for a few years before his passing, and he, along with the rest of Sleepy Bois, was a huge part of me becoming who I am today.
I remember hearing when Techno got cancer, it was just this numbing moment because I know someone that's had it. Then he died, and it wasn't just about him, it was the thought that the same could've happened to her.
I haven't been the same since I was introduced to Technoblade, and I haven't been the same since he died.
Wherever you may be, rest easy, man.
#technoblade#god i miss him#he was just#this really cool person#that#i dont even know#its hard to describe#fuck cancer man#fuck cancer#technoblade never dies#ranting while crying lol#subscribe to technoblade#lunas talks
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my mom is officially out of the ICU and in a regular room on the cancer floor. maybe i’ll bust open a google doc so i can get some serotonin from posting a fic lol
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my doctor was sooooo fucking worthless and unhelpful im going to masturbate and i hope it fucking kills me
#“no need for follow up”#“yeah you did have several cysts we scrapped off your remaining ovary but. dw about it. idk why they were there. dw about it. oh also your#ovary on that side was freakishly huge but. dw about it. it might go away. dw about it#*doctor shrug emoji* “#“go see a gyno next year maybe. but not me im too important for that. go find and onboard a gyno to your situation. next year maybe idk lol”#he barely even looked at my incision like#this fucking appointment could have been an email. or a phone call. or they just could have let me start driving again. also i forgot to ask#if i can stop drinking ensure now or after the 6 weeks? cause that shit cost $$$$. but he probably would have been super unhelpful if i had#fr fr this guy only wanted to give me the time of day when he thought i might have fun cancer inside and now he's like gtfo!!!! get your#fugly cancerless ass out of here!!!! recover from a major surgery on your own you swagless cancerless loser 🤣 we arent helping your#swagless ass!!!#anyway it seems weird and fucked up that im was never offered to see a physical therapist and i guess am going to have to blindly trust my#abs they sliced thru are healing or whatever and to rawdog my own physical recovery of my muscles? even just dumb shit like. my center of#gravity has drastically changed since the mass removal and my back hurts like shit all the time because all my posture muscles were built up#for when i had an extra 30 pounds of cyst hanging in the front and my posture and walking reflected that. and i lowkey don't know how#hard i am able to be with my healing incision because its really tight and makes me hunch forwards still. like i would really like to know#how much i can safely or maybe should be forcing my skin and incision to stretch. without damage? is that crazy#am i crazy???#this shit is why i didnt see a doctor for 2 years until my problems had snowballed into a 30 pounds ovarian cyst that was crushing my other#organs and had one of my kidneys all backed up with piss. and even getting emergency treatment for it everyone was like. how did you like it#get this bad?? how could you not know you needed to seek medical treatment???? like. bro. seeking medical treatment isnt even a guarantee to#get medical treatment.#anyway he said my “remaining ovary seemed low key polycystic but dw about it. don't quote me on that im not dealing with it.”#bro i dont want to doctor google it i wanted an actual doctor to deal with it. fuck you.#like. maybe even a doctor who knows my situation so i dont have to struggle with getting someone to believe me and take me seriously.#but whatever. back to trying to figure out the daily protein and extra calories my body needs for recovery via doctor google i guess.#its fine 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
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At which point did you realise that the plot of IW is ass? I've seen people complain only about the ending or the halfway point where the teams separate, while I was already actively rolling my eyes like four-five chapters in
i think the moment i fully accepted that IW's story was. Definitely A Story was the moment ebina announced 'bleach japan'. like i think leading up to that point i was thinking to myself 'oh i hope i see X happen' or being like 'i wonder where this is going' and that sort but the proverbial bucket of ice was definitely that moment
#infinite wealth spoilers#snap chats#what reaaaaally hammered it in too if it wasnt obvious already was the execution of the jimas/daigo like that still irks me LMAO#i cant even remember what chapter that happened in i just know when it did i was utterly pissed#i think i started to take things less seriously once bryce entered the picture but thats only because of how distracting his VA was#like much love the JP voice actors who try to speak english and japanese but i just cant act like it's not incredibly distracting#esp when the character is supposed to be white yk what i mean- or at the very least their first language is supposed to be english#typically i can look over that thing if its a one or two time kind of deal but he had to speak in english much longer than others#im just rambling about bryce tho this aint bout him. i mean he could be a part of it the cult was executed really sloppily#it might have been the introduction of bryce actually ... i remember thinking to myself 'oh brother' with the whole messiah thing LMAO#maybe it was when kiryu told us his cancer cam from radiation instead of. smoking 💀 ESPECIALLY not even five chapters in#like straight out the gate you just wanna drop that on us mr I Can Do Everything Myself I Cant Worry Others ok#thats a post for another day tho im EVERYWHERE#POINT IS this is not about Retrospect this is about First Impressions and memory warps over time#but i know for a fact i found the bleach japan thing utterly ridiculous and was squinting at the plot the entire time thereafter#like ive said this a million times at this point but although i love IW for it's gameplay (pardon some nitpicks like lack of shortcuts)#its story really feels so messy and had much to be desired. which is so sad after the wonderful stories rgg has been making since 0..#BUT OH WELL im still excited to replay it in english. god willing i ever get the time#i still wanna finish lost judgment <- isnt even halfway through the game#and i wanna do a fun stream Maybe with YK2 but ill get into that when i get into that#if youve read this far. thanks LOL id say sorry for the novel but thats what we expect of me at this point
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every time top surgery is getting discussed in the news a trans guy will be like wow it sucks that everyone is being so publicly disgusted by my body with no repercussions it's as though they don't think we're people with feelings. and then a million people will jump in like ALSO SOME CIS WOMEN (the only people who can get breast cancer) ALSO LOOK LIKE THIS. this picture of a trans man that everyone is calling a mutilated freak instantly made me think of cis women, and look at her living her best life! misgendering? i'm a trans ally but come on, it's a drawing, don't you think that's being a bit silly? art is about interpretation anyway - we should celebrate ALL afabs who get mastectomies, for whatever reason ^.^
#um.txt#its true trans people are mutilated freaks who have no right to want to not be called mutilated freaks by every major news outlet#but wont someone think of the cis people?#i understand the point when its made sparingly. but when its the first thing people jump on without even acknowledging#that trans people's bodies are currently a public spectacle for the public to gag over. well yeah it does feel like#they dont think we have feelings lol.#ntm people of any gender can have medical complications that lead to having breast tissue removed. so the constant comparisons to#cis women feel. well. this is word for word an exchange i saw on twitter and they were talking about afabs so lol#only 'afabs' are capable of getting breast cancer apparently. and breast cancer is the only reason for breast tissue removal. im so smart.#sorry this costa shit is pissing me off. my grandparents are telegraph/mail readers so u can imagine how its been going#watching half my family including my little brother be slowly radicalised against me bc of the right wing pull of this country 🥰#and im powerless to stop it bc im just a wokey tra and they wont take me seriously 😁
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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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#tw: death#tw: irl death#tw: parent death#ok those tags will make sense in a moment but! cause I've been going back through my s/is lore it made think a lil deeper into her#relationship with o'b (true heat) n well the thought of them talking about kids came up#both o'b n myself irl have a genetic that can lead to terminal illness n cause my s/i is me she has it too#o'b carries a disease in his blood that killed his sister n mine can lead to terminal cancer not 100% but I'm more likely to possibly get it#over someone who doesn't have the same gene it's what killed my own dad irl#so i like the idea of both of them like bonding on that level knowing they both have like this *monster* inside them inside their genetics#n well its comforting to me to know he knows exactly how i feel irl#idk cause of the whole his ashes finally being ready for pick up thing it sorta opened old *wounds* n my fear of dying like he did#i know I'm gonna die someday everyone is but i don't wanna die the way he did#i think I'm venting uogihviyv not what i meant to do! I'm not looking for comfort! just brain werms went screwy lol#but i really like the idea of the two of them having a bonding moment over their fears n grief in a way that only people in that position#can#n it's comforting so ojghvihfiv#shut up rattie no one gives a shit lol
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Oh I'm def choosing this therapist
#literally have not seen Anime Loving displayed on any other therapist's profile here so far#my workplace is too rigid to allow me to add something like that to my own profile lol#I could tell her about my Fox Beast which parallels Eda's Owl Beast. and show her drawings of it#the beast whose power I have to respect. who I..at the end of the day..have to just surrender to#one day it may kill me - I just have to respect its power and choices. I'll befriend it. it may still ultimately choose to make me its prey#anyway I think she'd get it#is she ND-affirming? I hope so. they don't state that on sites here. you only see the term ''LGBTQ-affirming'' at the most#loz says stuff#whelp. cancer anxiety
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I HAVE A FUCKING ADAMS APPLE GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS !!!!!!
#I LITERALLY JUSTTT MOTICED bc i was looking in a mirror and i was like Wow i look so dour rn i look like#im doing a mugshot so then i turned to the side for fun 2 see what thatd look like and i was like hrmm whys my neck kind of funny looking#and i felt my neck and i was like How odd theres a noticeable bump here and i was like Oh my god what if i have neck cancer or something#abd then i was like oh im on t i should probably check if t can cause yiu to grow an adams apple b4 i freak out abt my alleged cabcer#and LO AND BEHOLD !! it can cause you to grow an adams apple*#*not actually growing it everybody has one apparently its just that high amts of testosterone are what causes the cartilage to like#be bigger since rhe larynx and etc but basically QUITE AWESOME#it doesnt rly look like an adams apple at least 2 me idk further research needed LOL#but im ^_^
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woof, never updated my KH3 so I have 10 updates currently downloading which is gonna take an entire day xD (12 GB!!!!)
the re:mind dlc was on sale tho so I nabbed it even tho I rlly shouldn't have bc I'm gonna need that money for more important stuff 😅 but I'll cross that bridge of regret when I get to it.
I never beat KH3 or got that far, so I'm excited to fully play it.
I'm still working on platinuming kh2 and 1! I just rlly want to play the KH games I haven't yet (bbs) and the ones I didn't get far in (kh3).
#kh#kingdom hearts#wahwahwah#i wanna platinum all the kh games#even bbs which i watched a video on explaining why its miserable to plat lmao#i have chemo tm i wish i could take my tv and ps4 with me lol#the power of friendship will heal my cancer
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