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dawn-aethwyn · 3 years

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Crimson Sunshine

[Trigger Warning: Self Harm / Mental Instability]

Process. Nijah needed time alone to process. It made sense. She dumped a lot on her at once. Things she kept to herself all the time from everyone else. It was a lot of heavy stuff, things that would make people think twice before befriending her. So, a reaction like this, taking time to process feelings and thoughts-- this was understandable, right? But then why did it hurt so much? Was she being childish again? She brought her hand up to stare as she rested her head along the back of the porcelain tub.

It was fear that gripped her heart. That harrowing sensation that she might lose the one person who was her source of empathy and relief. Her solid rock to lean on and find balance. The person who helped her regardless of her pain, self-pity, and sadness. Nijah had always been there to offer a guiding hand. Not one that coddled, but one that was there to help her walk on her own two feet again, hovering just far enough away to catch her if she fell. She was always there to offer an objective standpoint or practical solutions to her own perceived problems.

Perhaps it was because of this absence of objectivity or practicality that Dawn felt lost and her mind wandered to more insensible thoughts. The water in the half-filled tub had grown tepid and her exposed flesh felt cold to the touch. She held the tip of the thin blade to her forearm and hesitated. Would this count as another secret? Would this make her lie more? Would this be something she’d have to keep from Nijah? If it never came up, would it ever be an issue? But, what if she found out? What if she needed more space to herself, more time to process things?

What if she processed and realized that she no longer wanted to be around her?

A light moan and a shaky breath escaped her delicate lips as she raked the razor along her flesh. In that precise moment she hadn’t mired herself in what-ifs. It was just the feeling. The physical searing that took away from the pain in her chest. If she was going to hurt herself with a myriad of thoughts that ranged from abandonment and heartbreak, wasn’t this the lesser of two evils? Small lacerations were clean and easy to heal with a bit of conjury, after all. At least she rationalized it that way in her head. But it was just that, wasn’t it? A simple excuse.

Justifications, reasons, excuses, none of those really mattered as she made her second cut; blood from the first trailed down her arm as drips sounded in the water. She didn’t need to worry about the why’s or torment herself mentally anymore. This feeling gave her a distraction. Was this foolish? Was it reckless? She didn’t need to worry herself over the details; what mattered was that the piercing feeling in her chest felt lessened as she cut into her flesh.

‘Weak.’

Harsh judgement came from the voice echoing in her skull. Weak? Of course she was. That’s why she was there in the tub in the first place. She felt the voice slowly creeping in some more and opted to drown it out with another slow and methodical incision.

The voice wouldn’t relent as the soul crystal around her neck began to burn red hot. Her veins nearest the stone darkened and red strands started spreading beneath the flesh-- her flesh felt on fire while the fine branching blood vessels underneath her pale, near translucent skin began to form crimson lines resembling the intricate webbing of a spider or perhaps the splintering of glass that had shattered but retained its form. She dropped the razor and her hands gripped white-knuckle tight on the edges of the tub as her form writhed.

‘If all you want is pain, I can give you that.’

How long had it been since she had been forcibly absorbing the dark aether from the soul crystal? Weeks? Months? The woman it had belonged to, the woman whose voice it was that spoke to her now, had led a sinister life and wielded a grim power reminiscent of those harnessed by Dark Knights; the crystal, of course, was from a long line of those avengers who embraced their emotions to call upon the abyss. They did this to exact vengeance, cold, harsh, and mercilessly upon those that they deemed deserving. These dark deeds and acts find their way to carve themselves upon a person’s soul no matter how well-intentioned. The scars from these acts were carved along with the memories and aether stored in the stone- pieces of their souls; and instead of learning from their whispers and memories, she had been absorbing them.

The most prominent of which was the soul of the woman who was slain in agony by Nijah herself: Adala Himaa. Now Dawn’s soul was entwined with hers and their fates tied together. Whatever remnants that remained of Adala were becoming a part of Dawn. She did her best to keep this change at bay but it would slip out-- in a physical altercation here, a life threatening situation there, a heated work conversation, an argument laden with emotion: anger that seethed from within.

Just when she had found some sense of normalcy in her life everything seemed to work against her.

Some sense of normalcy…

“Nijah!” her eyes shot open and she grabbed the stone, pulling it off her neck and away from her chest. The vessels along her chest began to return back to their natural state and she was able to catch her breath from the searing pain.

‘Oh? Found some inspiration did we? To escape from the pain? I thought you wanted to stop thinking about that?’

“I know! I know I’m weak. Okay?!” she shouted at no one. “Can’t you see that?! Why I’m doing this?! Don’t you know that I know?!” her reddened eyes swelled as tears escaped them. She brought her hands to cover her face and sobbed pathetically.

‘Causing yourself pain, mutilating yourself, that accomplishes nothing. Are you going to sit in your bathtub and do this every time your feelings are hurt or when you want to numb the pain? Or when you’re finally so numb that you do it to feel something? Is that it? Grow up. Face the pain.'

“But it isn’t going away if I don’t do this!” she pleaded.

“And it won’t go away if you keep doing this. You have to face the difficult things. The things that hurt you, the things that you’re afraid to lose, the things you’ve lost. It won’t be over quickly, it never is.”

“It’s not just about how I feel! I-- I d-deserve to…”

‘Oh please spare me the wailing. You feel guilty so you deserve it, right? Penance, as it were? So is it that or that you want the pain to go away. Make up your mind. Weak. Pathetic. Foolish.’

“I told you. I already know that I am!”

‘Then stop. Being. That. Way.’

Dawn sneered and rasped out, “You make it sound like it’s so easy, like I can just flip a switch and things will be all rainbows and butterflies!”

‘Does it have to be one or the other? Suffering or contentment? Not everything is so black and white. Not everything is so absolute. Look at you, it’s either one extreme or the other, mn? There are plenty of shades of gray. And in those shades is where you find truth. Pain is a part of life, and you have to learn to live with it and grow with it.’

“I’ve lived with pain. I’ve known pain. I’ve known suffe-”

Her rebuttal was interrupted by a singular thought from the familiar voice.

‘What would she think of you right now?-- Oh? Cat got your tongue? Go on, tell me about how you’ve learned to live with pain. Look at yourself right now and then say that you’ve learned to live with the pain.’

Her voice was weak and she seemed as if all the strength had been sapped from her as she sank into the water tainted with her own lifeblood, “It’s not the same. When mother died, I learned to live again. When father sailed away, I learned to live again. When I lost my eyes, I learned to live again. I don’t want to learn to live again…”

‘Oh, boo-hoo, is it too hard? Or is it that you can’t anymore without her? Hah. The thought hurts you so. Appropriate. At least you can feel some anguish with me since your loving murderess was the one who killed me. Sounds less like love and more like an obsession to me.’

“And? So what? What if I’m obsessed with someone that I love?”

‘Obsession can kill you.’

“So can love.”

#{[ waking sunshine and desert sands ]}

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nebula-starlight · 6 years

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JSE Fanfiction - Fractured (pt 5: Restore)

First: [P] / Previous: [4]

Entry Log _

I swore this would never happen. The static... I lost myself at the worst possible moment.

The surge of power was too strong. It... It shattered his eye socket and severely burned the surrounding skin of his forehead. Should he survive I...

Who am I kidding? At this point it will take a miracle to bring him back. He’s alive, yes, but barely.

Still I have to do something... The tank hasn’t helped much but he is now stable enough to a point where I can try another method. If Subject 2 can use magic... or is able to manifest such a skill then I must try.

I cannot lose him. There’s not enough left of my soul to try and create another being. And it would crush the other...

——

His steps were weary as he made his way from the room that contained the once again risen containment tank, the weight of the situation he faced alone seeming to sap the strength right out of him as he headed towards the rather quiet cell.

Several times he had to pause and lean against the wall for support, his hands shaking so badly he had no choice but to cram them into the pockets of his gray tunic to prevent anyone from seeing the side effect of using too much magic. He hadn’t properly slept since the accident and kept replaying it over and over again in his head. How could he have been so stupid? Of course a stunned growth would affect other areas of the body as well!

Reaching the room where the other subject was, he looked in and observed the situation before he spoke. 2-J was curled up in a ball in one of the corners and... Was there tear tracks on his face? He wasn’t sure, the flickering light made it difficult to see properly.

“2-J... Your brother...”

How was he exactly going to explain this? Surely Jack had to think his sibling was never coming back at this point. And he had never been left alone for so long either. Inching closer, he waited for a reaction but received none. Not that he was surprised truthfully. The first time coming close to death or the loss of one so familiar always left a mark more impactful than anything he could do.

“He’s not coming back... He left me all alone to suffer...”

Those were definitely tears then. Perhaps a part of him felt bad but he had made his choice long ago and would see it through to the end. No matter the cost...

“Come with me, Subject 2.”

“Why should I? So you can end me too?” The only sign he seemed to move was the slight shift of his head, one eye now visible as it flared blue. So he’d have to do it the hard way then. He wasn’t all that surprised really.

“Stop being childish. It was an-“ Seán stopped himself, clearing his throat with a cough before he continued. “What happened wasn’t supposed to occur. The procedure was only to strengthen his magic, nothing more.”

Subject 2 only curled up tighter on the floor, hands clasped around his knees. It did not matter whether the story was believed or not. That did not bother him; he had come to collect him regardless.

“I have no time for this. Get up!”

Magic flickered to life in his outstretched palm, lifting the uncooperative boy into the air before sputtering out. Luckily 2-J steadied himself on his own feet, head lowering away from the disapproving glare staring him down as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Your magic isn’t working...”

He huffed, shoving the hand back into the pocket of his tunic. “I’ve had to expend quite a bit of energy lately. Otherwise I’d drag you there myself.” Opening the door to the cell, he gestured for the captive to follow with a jerk of his head. “Although in your case if I said exactly where we were going you’d likely pester me with endless questions.”

“And where are we going?” There was a spark of enthusiasm back in 2-J’s voice, enough to bring out a brief but just as quickly fading smile.

“To see your brother. You may be more use to me than I originally thought...”

The footsteps that had slowly begun to echo behind him now stopped and he sighed under his breath. It better not signal a raging storm of chatter from the boy. As if he needed a headache on top of everything else going on. What he wouldn’t give for some coffee right about now.

“You said you’d fix him. Stop the noise, stop his pain... You promised!” The unexpected voice crack startled him nearly as badly as it did Jack who seemed to retreat into himself for a moment before he started to walk again. “Why do you say I can help when all you ever tell me is how much of a disappointment I am compared to my brother...? You know, the same one you must have hurt pretty badly to need me.”

He needed to get back to 1-A. They were wasting time but yet... Was this the first time he had ever seen Jack even show a sign of rebelling? Perhaps he was smarter than he’d given credit. Well there was only one way to find out...

“If you would observe before you spoke then perhaps my judgement of you would not be as severe. Nevertheless, we are wasting valuable time. Your job is to heal him.”

He had already stopped and was punching in the code to open the door when he heard the clear whine of protest start up from behind him. For 2-J to have picked up on what was expected so quickly... Well it was certainly an interesting development to say the least.

“But how? I can’t use magic! Not like you can...”

He said nothing, the cold steel sliding open to admit both of them. Luckily he had enough forethought to get Anti out of the stasis tube and onto his side on the floor. So far the only progress had been that he managed to reconstruct the bone missing - although that had left his hand spasming for hours from the tiny incision to scrape off the necessary replacement.

“Brother!” The cry darted past him as Jack sprinted over to Anti, lifting his head and pressing it against his chest. Nothing needed to be said for the familiar feeling of magic to weave through the air as a surge of faint blue light engulfed the two siblings.

There was no explanation needed... just as he thought.

——

It took several minutes before the glow sputtered and died. In its place, however, was an equally weak spark of green that burned with an intensity rather unexpected. And while it started in his chest - a rekindling of his soul no doubt - it soon ignited his one remaining eye.

The shorter of the duo became alert with a coughing fit, clutching to the arms that curled around him as the movement drew attention to the fact that he was awake. Jack immediately perked up, squeezing tighter in delight that his sibling was back from what almost had been his death.

“Hey... Hey, it’s okay. You did great.” Anti weakly murmured once the spasm had finished, patting his brother’s arm before chuckling breathlessly at the realization of what had just happened. “Well looks like you’ve got magic. One of us needs it so it’s probably better you ended up with it than me. Now stop holding so tight, bro.”

Jack reluctantly did so, still holding onto Anti’s arms as the smaller ego shuddered, straining to catch his breath. “But you died!”

“He did not, I assure you. To die means you no longer exist. If he had, his soul wouldn’t have ignited so strongly. Truly your brother brought you back from the edge of death, Subject 1.”

Neither had even realized the third individual still in the room, observing silently the interaction until Jack happened to suggest his brother had died. Once he spoke, however, all of the once playful banter between them stopped immediately.

“You didn’t get what you wanted, did you?” There was a fine edge of anger that flickered through Anti’s voice as he looked up at their cloaked creator, his remaining eye sparking green. “I’m still around so I take that as a no.”

“What?” Concerned blue eyes flickered up to the silent figure observing them. “But you said you were helping him... Why do you want him gone?”

Seán said nothing at first, only taking off his glasses and placing them inside an interior pocket on his cloak so the true extent of the facial scar would show. Once the full appearance of the septic eye was revealed, he barely repressed a smirk at how Jack tried to shield his weakened brother by lifting him closer to his chest. There wasn’t any of the resistance he had suspected would come from 1-A but that was none of his concern.

For now a lesson needed to be taught... One he hoped would only be needed once.

His hand lifted, sparks flickering into existence around the two as the septic eye glowed brighter in the mostly dark space. “If either of you refuse to obey... there will be consequences. I am in no mood to humor any resistance today. Now get up and come with me.”

“And if we don’t? What then?”

He should not of had to guess who spoke. The same one who had nearly been killed because of that persistent static he emitted subconsciously. Was he even aware of how problematic it had become? How that noise interfered with his plans on a level he had not originally adjusted to compensate for?

“Then you will be treated as little more than failed subjects and swiftly eliminated. Now choose... or say your final words!”

The sparks of light glowed eerily like orbs, encircling the pair as Seán stood silent with his one hand outstretched and watched to see how they’d respond. Would they attempt to outright rebel? The countless possibilities fascinated him. Even he would be panicking had the situation been turned but they were... doing nothing. Or was that the feeling of magic in the air? Not his but close... A derivative of-

“You will not touch him!”

The blue shield came up surprisingly quick, surrounding them as the eyes of the producer of the energy glowed with the spark of a desire to protect. He was actually speechless for a moment, noticing how complex a pattern it was despite being the first true attempt of Jack’s apparently chosen magic. A defender... It was an odd choice but not one he was overly surprised at if he was honest.

“My, my, you do have potential. Aren’t you just full of so many surprises today?” He started to approach, hand shaking with an all too visible tremor as the orbs faded. “Why don’t you lower that so we can talk? I’m sure your brother is thrilled to be relieving that time he spent in stasis thanks to you. Of course he was out for most of it but that feeling of pressure never truly fades, does it?” A brief spark of green flickered inside the protective shell as the only sign his taunting was heard but it was enough to urge him on further. “Just the same as that noise he claims he can’t hear... I’m certain you know the one. That ever so soft buzzing right in the back of your skull. It’s enough to drive you to... do things.”

His lips split apart, teeth stained from lack of proper dental care but still breaking into that recognizable smile. Anti squirmed against his brother’s grip, struggling to slip free as the glow powering the shield began to falter slightly. Taking advantage of the weakening defense, he continued to advance toward them.

“He’s braver than you will ever be.”

The low rasp that graced his ears ignited further that primal desire in him for obedience. It had only seemed to manifest once he begun creating the seven but he wasn’t worried about any sort of magical backlash from trying to push his energy farther than it already was going. They all were his and would belong to him forever. It was why he put the tracking tattoos on every single one after all.

“And what makes you think that? His shield wouldn’t hold up against an attack I assure you.”

There was a definite flicker to the aforementioned protective barrier as though something rippled across its surface briefly. “Then why won’t you be the one to break it? Too scared?”

“Bro, no... don’t...”

The warning came too late. With a growl, Seán finished crossing the distance in two long strides and brought his hand up. All it took was a simple poke with his finger to shatter the shield, sending shards raining down around them as Jack shrank back in fright. There was no mistaking the fire that blazed in the depths of their Creator’s eyes.

“You think you can play the hero,” he spat, grabbing the now shaking subject by the fabric of his tunic and lifting him up so Anti would drop onto the floor as a result. “Every single fucking time! Even when I had the channel - as brief as it was - they still preferred you over me. And you were just a character then, not even real. Just an air of fake positivity. A mask if you want to call it that.”

The glow from his septic eye dimmed quickly, Seán finally jerking back after a moment as he dropped Jack on the way to pull his hand against his chest. He stepped back, shaking his head as he muttered something under his breath too low to be heard. Watching how the two brothers sought each other out and clung to the other like a lifeline, he huffed and dug his other hand into his hair.

“Just go back to confinement. We... will deal with this later.”

Next: [6]

#jacksepticeye #antisepticeye #jse fanfiction #fractured

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not-close-to-straight · 6 years

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Post surgery update? How are you? Still in pain?

(Warning, this will get the tiniest bit graphic- mind the cut))

Alright, surgery update---

I will be three weeks post op this coming monday and it has been the worst three weeks ever.

I still cant stand up straight, really I cant even get CLOSE to standing up straight yet unless I am laced into a corset/compression garment that forces me almost upright, and then it fucking HURTS.

I am still sleeping on a recliner because not only can i not stand up straight, i also cant lie flat! very fun! My neck and back hurt CONSTANTLY from sleeping in the recliner, and I can only make it to and from the bathroom and maybe to the kitchen to make some tea before it starts hurting too badly and i have to sit down.

All of my steri strips have come off, which means i can finally see my incisions. I am cut from hipbone to hipbone, but for the most part the incision is below my bikini line so once I am healed, I will be able to wear bathing suits/undies still without anyone seeing the scar as long as they arent like ultra low rise panties or anything. Ive already developed hard scar tissue where my drains were inserted on both sides of my hip, so thats fun. Nice and bruised and hard right there.

I ended up twisting wrong and my incision opened up about an inch which isnt as bad as it sounds, it didnt spit any stitches or anything, but it hurts like a really deep scratch and other than putting a band aid on it, there isnt much I can do about it until it heals.

My boobs were cut under the crease and then straight up the middle and around my nipple to give me my reduction/ lift. It sucks. My left boob looks freaking BEAUTIFUL the incision is all the way inside the crease so you literally cant see it at all, and even the cuts up and around my nipple are healing wonderfully. My right side is worse, incision extends out past my crease a little which makes it very uncomfortable and the incisions up and around my nipple are still raised and sore.

EVERYTHING ITCHES and i ended up scratching myself so badly one night as I slept that i ended up drawing blood which has been just... awful to deal with. Everything is super sensitive, and because i am still wearing post surgery compression garments to keep any swelling down, i am basically strapped into the most uncomfortable things ever.

I had an issue with the blood thinner shot they gave me, ended up with SIRVA in my left arm which rendered it basically paralyzed for the first two weeks, its only been the last few days that i can even move it without it hurting and freezing up. Fun times.

My gag reflex is very sensitive right now, so almost any time i try to swallow a tylenol or muscle relaxer or stool softener (try pooping after stomach surgery. literally will put you in tears), my gag reflex kicks in and more often than not i end up throwing up. which of course makes me cry.

Overall, its been a really rough recovery and im only on week three. It will be at least three more weeks before i am able to stand straight and walk comfortably for more than a minute or so at a time, and another four to six weeks after that before I can do anything more than walk for exercise. I cant even pick up #Misha the Cat right now because her fat ass weighs too much and my stomach cant handle the strain.

The PLUS SIDE is that my boobs which used to be huge and saggy are like, perky and gorgeous. I am still bigger than I thought I would be-- I was honestly hoping to be like a c cup, and Im still at least a d if not bigger (my post surgery sports bras are for dds and i am filling them out) but its a very perky d or dd so right now I sort of look like I have implants which ill admit is a little fun. They will settle more and look more natural over the next few weeks which is good.

Since the pain pills never really worked, all they do is take the edge off, so I still hurt every day but its bearable. Honestly after those first few days before they got me a stronger pain prescription and i was feeling EVERYTHING---- what i feel now is barely anything. The worst pain is when i have to throw up or god forbid i fucking sneeze because that literally makes me scream.

im exhausted all the time now-- the first two weeks i hardly ate anything because i was either crying from the pain or trying to sleep it off, and the post surgery compression garments are so tight even too much water at once made my stomach hurt. My appetite has just barely come back this week, and im still barely managing a full meal a day.

Also, Im allowed to shower, but the water makes me itch (of fucking course) and after the shower i have to apply layers of scar cream and cocoa butter because the drier my skin is the worse the healing it and the worse the scar will be. I basically just sponge bath with wet wipes or a damp rag because getting in and out of all of my compression garments and in and out of the shower requires so much energy it honestly doesnt seem worth it. Like little things like brushing my teeth seem difficult because i cant stand up to do it-- have to be sitting on the toilet lol. And brushing my hair? Yeah right. I have super thick, fairly long curly hair that is a pain in the ass to handle anyway, and now that i cant really lift my arms above my head, just combing my hair is crazy difficult.

Its been super rough on me, harder than I thought it would be, but my plastic surgeon is very pleased with the results so far.

A big piece of me wishes I wasnt so vain to want the stomach surgery. the boob surgery was sort of necessary, i was way too big for being a size 4/6, but I got my stomach done because I worked so hard to lose all that weight and wanted all the loose skin gone, but DAMN this recovery has been such a bitch i think if i could go back, i wouldnt do it again. Not only did it cost me more than 10k, but im three weeks out and still cant even stand up straight which is more demoralizing than you would ever think it would be.

Mentally its been very difficult on me, emotionally its been worse, and even though I know it will be worth it here in a few months when I pull out that leopard print bikini i worked so hard to fit into and look FUCKINGFABULOUS---

Right now, I just want to cry all the time.

(also, its been more than a month since ive had anything that came close to sex, which is probably majorly contributing to how badly i want to write smut and also why i want to cry all the time lol)

All this to say--- recovery is rough. All the good vibes are appreciated.

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northshorehealthandfitness · 7 years

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healing timeline + tips for recovery (breast explant, lift, and abdominoplasty surgery)

[Warning: the reals + wrinkly stomach pics ahead. Proceed with caution]

Hi friends! Thank you again for all of your kind wishes and comments on the post about my surgery. I was overwhelmed with all of your support and genuinely appreciate those who took time to leave a comment here, on Instagram, and Facebook. It can always been a little daunting to put yourself out there on social media, especially when you feel vulnerable, and you always wrap me up in kindness and love. Thank you for being so wonderful.

You can read more about why I got my breast implants removed and diastasis recti repaired here. (<— classified as a full abdominoplasty because my ab separation was all the way up, and I had loose skin above and below my belly button.)

While I was recovering, I chipped away at this post with some things that came to mind. There are some tips mixed in with my personal experience, and as always, please remember that only we can make the best decisions for ourselves and our health, with our doctor’s guidance.

Day 1 (Day of surgery): I’m shaking as my alarm goes off. Quickly, I shower, get dressed (in a plaid shirt and comfy shorts I’ll end up wearing for 2 days), and head with Tom to the surgery center. The Dr marks me up with Sharpie, we take pictures, and before I know it, I’m on the operating table, getting my happy juice before I doze off to Dreamland. My body tends to want to fight off anesthesia, so the second they start “lightening” the amount, I WAKE UP. On the OR table. Every around me assures me that it’s over, but I’m still trying to talk (I have no voice from the tube that was down my throat) and also trying to Hulk myself off the table. (My wrists are strapped down.) I’m pretty sure people wake up in recovery? I was wide awake as they lifted me onto the other roll table thing -I did watch Grey’s Anatomy but my brain isn’t helping me remember what it’s called- and wheeled into the recovery room. Tom comes in to keep me company, and my entire body is shaking from the anesthesia. I tell the nurse that I’m in a lot of pain, and she gives me Demerol. It relaxes me a little TOO much, my blood pressure starts to plummet, and they have to quickly give me fluids. In a few minutes, I’m feeling ok again, and talking to the Dr.

Good thing Tom is there because I can’t remember a single thing we discussed. I just remember my blood pressure crashing, getting the fluids, the shaking/doom feeling going away, and drinking ginger ale. I hadn’t had ginger ale in SO LONG and it’s pretty much the best post-surgery drink ever. So bubbly, sweet, and refreshing.

We head back to the hotel where a wheelchair is waiting, and straight into bed for a long nap. When I wake up, I’m actually feeling pretty great. I eat some nice and salty gluten-free crackers, drink more ginger ale, and we order room service and watch movies.

My recovery timeline:

Day 2-4: The very hardest days. In the middle of the night after my first day post-op, I wake up in SEARING pain. I’d stayed on top of all of my pain pills and muscle relaxers, and wake up having to count down until my next dose. It was pretty terrible. These couple of days are a blur of naps, reading a bit, and watching movies, in addition to getting up every hour or so (hunched over) to walk around the room for 5 minutes so I can move my legs. (<— Doc suggested this to prevent blood clots, and Tom also has to give me daily Lovenox injections to prevent clots for 7 days.) We order a lot of room service and Postmates, since I don’t end up leaving the hotel room the entire time we’re there.

(I’ve never watched so much TV in my entire life)

We have my post-op appointment on day three, and drive home. We stop every hour and walk around -it’s quite a sight hunched over with my compression socks on- and make it home to madre and the girls. The girls know I have an owie and can’t pick them up yet, and they’re super gentle and sweet. I’m SO thankful my mom can stay with us for two weeks. She and Tom end up doing everything around the house and for Liv and P, while also taking care of me. Every time I think about everything they’re doing, it makes me start to tear up because I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude and how fortunate I am to have them in my life. There’s literally no way I can do anything functional at this point; I need help getting out of bed and shuffle around, either to the kitchen, the bathroom, or back to bed.

Day 5-10: Each day, I start to feel a little bit more *normal* and can stand a little more straight. I spend a lot of time on the couch (the girls can snuggle with me and I’ll read them books or watch movies with them), or in bed taking naps. By this point, I’m starting to get bored, and also missing be able to spend all day going on adventures and playing with the girls. I take a break from my binder and super tight sports bra each night to let everything air out, and massage my belly with arnica gel and coconut oil. We watch a lot of movies, and I sleep a lot.

Tom also takes the drains out from my breasts, which is intense. It’s almost like minor surgery haha. The doctor showed him how to do it since he wanted to spare us another drive to Atlanta and back, and as soon as the drains are gone, I feel RELIEF. It makes it much easier to move around and take a shower. I still have my belly drain, but 1 drain compared to 3 is pure bliss.

Day 10, I make the switch to Tylenol because I only have 2 pain pills left -I feel like I need to save them in case the pain gets worse- and it’s kind of a rough day. I’m extra sore and tired. I spend a little more time lying on the couch, snoozing, and taking breaks to walk around and shake my legs out. I’m glad I switch to Tylenol because the pain meds were seriously messing up my stomach. (I won’t go into details but I took probiotics twice a day, Colace 3x a day, ate prunes and drank Smooth Move tea.. and things were still not ok.)

By Day 13: I feel SO much better. I feel more mobile, I’m able to contribute more to our family (I can make quick snacks and meals for the girls.. and for myself) and we took my belly drain out, so I’m drain-free! Taking a shower minus the drains is AMAZING. We head to my post-op appointment and get so much good news. Everything is healing as it should be, and I can start to transition carefully towards move normal activities. I can also ditch the binder and wear Spanx instead (I order a couple of these from Amazon), drink alcohol (YEAH), start to add in gentle walking around the block, and massage everything with Vitamin E. This appointment makes me feel so relieved that everything is doing what it should be.

Week 3: I continue to feel better, but feel tired and swollen by the end of the day. I’m wearing these Spanx during the day, and my binder during the night. I’m surprised by how awesome it feels to have my abs back together. Everything feels like it’s back in place. Before it felt like my stomach was always pushing out. I thought I’d be sad that I can’t work out by this point, but I can’t even imagine going to the gym. (Not that I would go early, but I thought I’d feel good enough that I’d be sad I’d have to wait. Nope. Not even close to feeling ready.)

Week 4: I’m back into my daily activity levels, and it feels awesome. I’m still walking pretty slowly, and tend to do almost everything in slow motion, but I can take Liv to school and pick her up, make all of the girls’ meals, fold and put away laundry, and get some computer work done without feeling like I need a nap halfway through. I’m still wearing my Spanx (starting to transition to that at night instead of the binder), and my sports bra, and using arnica and coconut oil on my torso. I’m waiting for my surgical glue to come off until I start using the Vitamin E on my incisions.

I take a walk around the block.. in slow motion… and am super tired afterwards.

Week 5: I’m cleared to lift P again, and life changes. I feel like I can do everything I need to do -it was SO HARD to have to bring P to the couch every time she wanted me to pick her up and hold her. She’d have to crawl onto my lap instead- and while I’m still being careful, I’m pumped about it. I start to walk around the block more often, because I’ll be cleared to exercise the next week, and will need to start teaching again the week after that. I feel like I can definitely teach at this point, and will just need to spend way more time coaching than doing the actual exercises.

Week 6: I’m cleared to work out again! The doc said to take it easy to start, and avoid super heavy weight lifting, dedicated core work and insane things for another 6 weeks. For now, I’m just excited to do some jogging and barre. He also says I can stop wearing Spanx 24/7 and just wear it during workouts and if I feel more swollen/puffy that day. This is my first week teaching, and while I only do maybe 10% of the class, it’s really hard. I’ve lost a lot of my strength and flexibility.

Week 7-8: Since we evacuate to Atlanta to escape Hurricane Irma, I book an appointment just to get everything checked out and have a couple of questions answered. There is a small part on the center of my scar he might revise next year -apparently revision is no big deal and done with local anesthesia and very little downtime, but I’m REALLY hoping it flattens out on its own- as well as two small dog ears. These are hard to avoid, and it’s like a puffy/fatty area at the ends of the incision. I’d prefer to stay far away from a scalpel from now on, so I’m crossing my fingers that I heal well and all of the residual scar puffiness goes the heck away.

The good news is that I’m cleared to lift weights again (wahoo!) and everything is healing as it should be. He gives me some silicone strips to try out for scar healing, so we’ll see how they go.

From now on, I just hope everything continues to heal well and that I continue to feel better and more normal. <3

Let’s talk about a few things:

-Pain pills. Whenever I have a medical procedure, I take the pain pills for a couple of days and then wean onto Tylenol instead. I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I ended up needing almost every single pain pill they gave me. I took them for 9 days, and took all of my muscle relaxers, and can’t imagine taking anything less. This recovery stuff is not for the birds.

-Recovery smoothie. I didn’t have much of an appetite for the first few days, but even after I was eating like normal-ish again, I continued to have this smoothie almost every day:

-1 1/2 cups almond milk

-1 scoop vanilla protein

-1 scoop collagen

-spinach

-1-2 tablespoons almond butter (or 1 tablespoon almond butter + 1 tablespoon MCT oil)

-1/2 cup frozen cauliflower

-lots of cinnamon

-ice

It was so refreshing and was an easy way to pack in a lot of nutrients at once.

-Drains. I’m in a couple of Facebook groups so I can lurk/learn about these procedures, and so many people would complain about their drains. The first day, I was like, “Why are they complaining? The drains are kind of annoying but not so bad.” By like Day 2, I got it. They were terrible. They ached at night and it was so hard to get comfortable. The sites where the drains came out ached whenever they were bumped or moved, and draining them was just nasty. Thankfully Tom did it for me for at least the first 5 days since he’s not grossed out by that stuff. Something that helped me shower was to get a lanyard, clip the drains to it, and they would just hang around my neck. Showering is terrible for the first couple of weeks. Since I couldn’t lift my arms -I got a lift with my explant- my mom and Tom had to help with washing my hair or scrubbing myself. The things we do.

-Must-haves. Extra sports bra (I had to keep them compressed for 2 weeks after my explant and lift), an extra belly binder to wear while you’re washing the other one, and soft camisoles. The binders are SO itchy, and you can wear a camisole underneath. I also rubbed arnica gel on my stomach (not by the wounds) and top of my chest to help with swelling. I also highly recommend Arnica gel for bruising and swelling. Pineapple contains bromelain, which is also supposed to help with swelling. I didn’t take the bromelain supplements, but made an effort to drink pineapple juice and eat fresh pineapple in the first few days.

I also had this wedge pillow for sleeping in bed and it was clutch. (For tummy tucks, they generally recommend sleeping in a recliner or reclined chair position with knees bent and head/shoulders elevated. We don’t have a recliner, but the wedge pillow was perfect. I just used that with a regular pillow on top, and two pillows under my knees.)

All of my must-haves for each type of recovery are listed at the bottom of this post.

-Recovery and time sleeping/resting. This is so crucial, and as mamas, it can be SO hard to do. This is why it’s important to enlist help during this time. You don’t want to try to be a hero, do too much, and set yourself up for complications (like fluid build-up or tearing muscle repairs). It’s boring and hard to sit still. Also, I found that even though I was sitting and resting a lot, I didn’t have a ton of mojo to get work done or write. It’s different to be resting when you need to rest compared to resting because it feels good to just chill.

I had a lot of help with the girls since I couldn’t lift P for 5 weeks. Madre was here for the first 2, then we had a babysitter while Tom was at work. The good news is that our babysitters are amazing, so it never felt awkward with them here while I was here. When P was napping and Liv was at school, we’d chat and watch Netflix together. It was SO HARD to not pick up my babies, and childcare backup was expensive, but worth it to avoid complications. The good news is that even though I couldn’t lift the girls, we could still snuggle together. We spent a lot of time on the couch, curled up in a blanket, or I’d sit on the floor and read books or play dolls with them.

-The roller coaster of emotions. My doctor told me that my muscle repair would hurt so much that I wouldn’t even notice my breast pain, and he was exactly right. My breasts felt awesome immediately after getting the implants out. I knew I made the right decision, despite the large scars and the drains. They had ached and burned for so long that the pain from surgery was nothing compared to how I felt before! It was sweet, sweet relief. I felt light, pain-free, and SO happy.

With my abdominal repair, I doubted myself around day three. I still couldn’t easily get out of bed by myself, could hardly walk, had sneezed (THE WORST), had an enormous scar, and was wondering if I’d made the right choice. It got into my head a little -I just wanted to feel good and be able to take care of the girls- but within a few days, as the scar began to heal and I realized how awesome my abs feel together again, I knew it was worth it. The smooth skin is a welcomed improvement, and I’m glad I decided to go for it.

Before and After pics

I wasn’t originally planning on posting before/after pics, but in my last post, I received quite a few requests to share them. While I was researching these procedures, it helped me tremendously to see pictures of the healing process, so I’m going to share them for those who have asked. It was also helpful for me to see pics of people who had this procedure who had loose skin from childbirth, and ab bulging from the DR. When I saw these types of pictures, and read their stories about how great they felt afterwards, it was reassuring to me.

Please keep in mind that I’m a human, with real feelings. While dissenting opinions and thoughtful conversation is always encouraged on the blog, comments that are posted for the sake of personal attack (against myself or others who weigh in) will be removed.

My stomach before (facing forward):

Close up… I like to think it looked like the bottom of a burrito (which really is the best part of a burrito)

Side view:

Relaxed side view at the end of the day (the pressure on the connective tissue all day made me super bloated):

After:

5 weeks post op (belly button is still healing/swollen):

Side view, relaxed: (5 weeks post up):

[Sorry for the bad lighting in these pics, but I didn’t want to edit any of them. Sorry, no boob pics. lol.]

So there ya go!

Thank you so much for reading. Cheers to everyone working on a happier and healthier version of themselves; whatever that looks like for each of us.

xoxo

Gina

My must-haves:

Breast explant and lift:

–Zipper sports bra

–Arnica

-Coconut oil (I get mine from Thrive Market)

–Pure Vitamin E

-Button-up shirts. I especially loved these button up pajamas.

–Wedge pillow (while drains are still in, or until Dr says you can lie flat)

–Soft camisole to wear under the compression bra

–Bralettes and wireless bras (after healing and Dr gave the ok to ditch the sports bra. This is my very fave.)

Abdominoplasty:

–Wedge pillow

–Spanx camisole

–Spanx leotard (I got two of these and LOVE them)

-Faja (this one can be strapless which is nice if you want to wear an off-shoulder top or dress. It’s also very tight and supportive. Not as soft and comfy as the Spanx but does the trick.)

–Vitamin E

-Coconut oil

-Foods on hand that don’t need to be prepared (or were prepped in advance and frozen!), and snacks, like dried fruit, ginger ale, coconut water, and bars

–Arnica

-Soft leggings and comfy pajamas

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