#its crazy. and I can never say anything about it
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jailhouse rock au - again! (master-list) <3
i imagine that simon would get rather insecure when you two were in public. while he adored you, he'd move the sun across the sky for you! but shouldn't you be with someone better?
someone who wasn't working a blue collar job in small parts manufacturing, who wasn't a former criminal? like simon stole and was locked away in the can for several years because of it! what kind of man would look a woman like you in the eyes and you'd say, 'i want you.', it left a clench in his gut that he couldn't get over.
he wanted to be good enough, but failed. just like he failed at being good enough for his father. sometimes his old man's words made him shiver at inopportune times.
"simon." you said.
"yes, love." his attention was drawn to you.
you leaned over, closer to him and rubbed his forehead softly, "you're getting worry lines."
he leaned in to kiss you, his hands were on your legs that were draped over his lap. he said, "sorry, love."
but no matter how much the anxiety bit at him, you loved him with your whole heart. you never shielded your love away from him, you found that when you were with him, you simply lit up. you could do all the mushy couples stuff together.
"we should go on the ferris wheel!"
"look there's a photobooth over there."
"i'm grabbing another straw to try some of that milkshake of yours!"
and simon ate it up. and as you got further into your pregnancy, you became more "mushy" as you said. you'd cry more often, but you weren't a weak woman. if anything you still commanded your little household more than before. because now simon couldn't say no to his pregnant girlfriend.
"yes, love." he said to your request as he was nuzzled up with your belly. he basked in its warmth for a minute before he got up to do what you asked.
your life wasn't without arguments, simon could be closed off and have a dark storm cloud over his head. but he would never tell you why, it drove you crazy when it happened. you knew so much yet so little, you had his entire life mapped out but his childhood (the root of some of his issues) was entirely blank in your memory.
"speak to me, simon... i'll never judge."
"i don't wanna scare ya off."
you reached out for him and got as close as you could. you stood on your tiptoes to be more eye level. you held onto his face and said simply, "simon, if i was scared off. i would've never sent that letter."
and simon replied, "never leave." and pulled you into a tight hug. and for the first time in many years, he cried. he cried so hard that he had to go on his knees with you because he felt so weak.
he was your lover, your pen pal! he was everything. and as you kissed him on the cheek you said, "nothing will ever take us away from one another."
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later that evening, you thought you'd be sweet and feed him crisps from the bag while his head was in your lap. while he softly licked the seasoning off your fingers, you let out a small moan.
simon smiled a bit, his heart of ice was completely melted with you. and with a hand up the skirt of your maternity dress. his tongue was on your fingers while his fingers were skimming your pussy.
"tomorrow." you said, "i want to know everything i can about simon riley."
he looked up at you with those dark eyes of his. he nodded and said, "of course, love. now c'mere."
let's say that the most fun you ever had having sex with him up to that point was when he took you on the couch. however it did leave you with a pretty bruise on your knees from pressed into the base of the couch while you rode him. <3
#bunny writes#jailhouse rock au#call of duty#reader insert#call of duty modern warfare#call of duty smut#simon ghost riley#call of duty x reader#ghost call of duty#simon ghost riley fanfiction#simon ghost x reader#simon ghost riley smut
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i WILL have waist length hair by next year . no matter what
#im still angry she made me cut it in april#a trim would have been fine but she made the hairstylist cut so much#like I said 4 inches to her and then she was done but now she had to come and tell the poor lady to cut more#actually think the hairstylist was on my side bc it really did not look like she cut that much#it makes me so ANGRY like why does she feel entitled to control every part of my appearance#I literally don't even feel like a person anymore#saw this tiktok of a brown girl cutting her hair to her chin bc she was never allowed to cut it bc long hair is considered a sign of beauty#and like. that's kind of messed me up ngl. bc while I feel bad. at least her mother wanted her to be beautiful...#I can't even explain it but#I can't wear nice clothes (the last time I was allowed to buy clothes was 3 fucking years ago) I always have to wear my cousins old ones#even for sixth form I really thought id be allowed to buy some new shirts or trousers or anything but guess what. nothing#there is nothing in my school wardrobe that hasnt been worn by 3 people before#and like I can't style my hair differently than what I always do and im even judged for new outfit combinations#she never gets me hair stuff even though I have the least manageable hair in the fucking universe#and the only makeup im allowed to wear is what she gets me (tinted moisturiser that is actually awful)#and then I look at my cousin and I have honestly never felt worse#bc she literally goes out w a face full of makeup and she can get highlights in her hair and wear whatever she wants#its crazy. and I can never say anything about it#its so fucking embarrassing as well#I just have to act like I don't care abt these things#when we go to Azerbaijan for my cousins engagement im the only girl in the family who isn't wearing a dress#bc she just had to insist that 'oh Alisha doesn't REALLY want a dress' and I just looked at her like. what.#so now im wearing the ugliest trousers and weird smock type shirt imaginable god I feel sick thinking about it.#lmao I can't stop crying abt this literally the stupidest thing in the world to cry about#my ammi would never do this to me
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if you dont “believe” in aftercare you deserve to get run over by a bus btw
#tbd#saw a crazy tweet now im just thinkin abt how many people dont think aftercare is necessary#my ex didnt think it was needed ever#he would do crazy things specifically to avoid anything that could be taken as care or intimacy after sex#and it did awful things to my brain!!#i have such a weird relationship with sex now because i’ve never experienced aftercare#its crazy that people think its an absolute necessity#i remember one time he left immediately like he always did#so obviously i started crying cause its very confusing to have sex and then the person just walks out not even 5 mins after!!#especially for how young i was it was Confusing#and he came back cause he forgot his wallet or something so he saw me crying#got mad at me it become an argument etc etc cause i told him why i was crying#and he said to me and i Quote#‘expecting a guy to care about you after sex is idiotic and immature-#‘you should be glad you’re even getting laid in the first place so take what you can get and stop expecting guys to care abt anything else’#which is an insane thing to say and i Believed it for years#the fact i was sitting there crying and i told him it was bc he made me feel like he hated me and i was awful and a worthless girlfriend??#and that was his response ??? how crazy do you have to be#anyways. aftercare is always necessary and if you dont provide then one of you is gonna be suffering
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“I wouldn’t ask you to drop everything and return if I didn’t believe in it. The future of the Order, our history, our ways—everything may depend on it. Please come. —Cenric. P.S. I hope you are well.” | “The Spire has fallen. The survivors have dispersed into the wilderness for now. If your former master lives, I do not know where he has gone. Cenric was quite aggrieved when you did not return for the summit, but now I am sure he is relieved.”
thinking about the rhys + cenric dynamic and i am so unwell
#rhys aviv#rindan cenric#wayfarer if#wayfarer#my art#i am not immune to 'grumpy guy trips and falls into fatherhood' and ofc i have not gotten enough content abt cenric to say anything at all#but to me this is making me froth and the mouth!!!!! im sorry but if rhys were even a little less stunted#he would have changed his last name but he's just . he feels so weird and odd and he cant help but like#feel an attachment to the surname he already HAS even tho he doesnt rmb where its from#and he wonders if he should change it or not but also is too embarassed to ask cenric LOL#so he doesnt and he like AGONISES over it even tho cenric would have for sure said okay of course#and then the fall happens and rhys doesnt get to and he wants to like. god he wants to know if cenric knew how much he meant to him !!!#and the answer is yes. they know each other so well and cenric is his father and rhys is his son . rhys tells himself 'he must have known'#but also he regrets he never really said it out loud :( now excuse me i have to make up more parental dynamics and go crazy#when i get my hands on more info about cenric and his characterisation i will like start levitating#and hmm idk how to feel about this i was testing a new brush but...#well this brush makes it more obvious how terribly sketchy my lines can get#but i'm alright w how its turned out 🤔
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tell me why i can hear another tenants fucking music from my flat. HE DOESNT EVEN LIVE IN MY BUILDING. HE LIVES IN A COMPLETELY SEPARATE BUILDING ON THE SECOND FLOOR AND I CAN HEAR HIS MUSIC FROM MY FLAT. MY FLAT WHICH IS IN A DIFFERENT SEPARATE BUILDING.
#and staff just say ‘oh we can’t do anything bc its not 11pm yet.’#ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.#i am autistic person who has just spent a full 12hrs in extremely overstimulating public spaces#i am exhausted and i have had to wake up at ass o’clock in the fucking morning#every day for the past like week and a half and will be expected to do so for the forseeable future#i am extremely sensitive to noise and have no ability to zone things out#like everything is always at the same volume for me#all the fucking time no matter what#and they say like oh well in the community there wouldnt be anything to be done so we cant do anything here#BUT WE ARENT IN THE COMMUNITY. ARE WE. WE ARE AT A SUPPORTED LIVING ACCOMMODATION WHERE I HAVE BEEN PLACED#BY MY LOCAL AUTHORITY WHO ARE PAYING TWENTY THREE GRAND A YEAR#AND I AM PAYING FIVE HUNDRED A MONTH#IN ORDER TO RECIEVE SUPPORT FOR MY DISABILITIES. A BIG ONE BEING MY FUCKING AUTISM.#YOU KNOW. THE ONE WHICH IS BEING DIRECTLY IMPACTED BY THE BEHAVIOUR OF ANOTHER TENANT.#WHEN I AM BEING PUSHED TO MY LIMIT ALREADY. LIKE IDK FEELS KINDA CRAZY THAT THIS ISNT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE SORTED.#i fucking hate men there is just literally no fucking respect or consideration like its genuinely disgusting and so fucking infuriating#and like he says that staff (women. btw) are being too naggy about it. but never fucking stops to consider that maybe.#maybe people wouldnt have to ‘nag’ you about it IF YOU JUST. DIDNT DO THE THING THAT IS ACTIVELY CAUSING OTHER PEOPLE STRESS.#IDK FUCKING WILD IDEA JUST THOUGHT OF IT.#literally die i want everyone involved to die like I CANNOT DO THISSSSSSSSSSSS
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i hate people who think theyre so cool for not liking or refusing to engage in insanely popular things like has it occurred to you that it might be insanely popular……… because its good?
#you can still have your niche interests youre not gonna die if you love something that millions of people also love#this is about wednesday like if its not your vibe ok then watch something else but stop being like I WILL NEVER!!! WATCH THIS!!!#i see this with literally every show and every artist and ever book#like call me fucking crazy but if a show becomes super popular and its of a genre i like im gonna watch it??#and if i dont like it then ill stop watching it how CRAZY!!!#also i saw someone say ‘im not falling for that queerbait’ YALL JUST BE SAYING ANYTHING THESE DAYS HUH#TWO GIRLS OR GUYS THAT WOULS BE CUTE TOGETHER BUT ARENT CANNONICALLY QUEER DOESNT MEAN ITS QUEERBAIT#IT JUST MEANS YOURE GAY#so glad i wasnt dumb as hell in 2016 when the entire world was talking about a new show called stranger things#and decided to watch it instead of thinking im so cool for refusing to watch it#i saw one gifset and was like ‘that looks good’ and i watched it that night#and do not even get me started on people doing this with taylor oh my god#wednesday#byler#taylor swift
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ok waitt now that i’m thinking abt red queen why did it literally take place over the course of a year. wdym mare spent more time in kings cage with maven than the amount of time she’d known cal…
#this isn’t me pulling this out of my ass btw!!#real actual line that made 12 yo me go crazy#guys it’s NEVER too late to go back to your YA roots#no but genuinely. i read this series while my brain was in an important stage of development and it wormed its way in there#i think i can confidently say i know more about the red queen lore than i would like to ever know about anything!!#anyway confessional over lol#red queen
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i don't know, people can be trans in whatever way they wish and feel comfortable with, i just wish the people on the lower end of Actually Putting Work and Visible Effort Into It and Actually Experiencing Transphobia/Transmisogyny didn't feel like they automatically get a free pass to claim the same things we go through. if you do not share the experience of the vast majority of trans people, maybe you do not get to talk about it, or reclaim any part of it 😐
#and i am not just talking about any kind of transition or hormones. just you know#for most trans people it just doesn't end on making a tiktok about being a fem afab nb and putting she/they in yr bio. you're free to do all#that but don't insert yourself into places you just really don't belong in?#i will never invalidate other trans people and i never have simply based on dysphoria or their stance on transition and i get that for nb#ppl it can be a little trickier on what steps they wanna take#however i don't think it's a crazy take that trans people who largely don't Plan to transition in any meaningful noticeable way or/and#experience any sort of dysphoria or discomfort or incongruence with their assigned gender and body are... the LAST demographic that should#represent the trans community as a whole or have a say in things that people whom all those things actually concern#cuz they're not passing bills to ban your pronouns. they're not outlawing fem afab nb bodies. they're illegalising transition on every step#of its way and they're calling US mutilated monsters and gr**mers#i genuinely don't want to come off wrong in here. i have never been transmed/truscum or anything of the sort in fact i was there in their#prime and i hated it! i just think this is a no-brainer. your experience is uh. fine. it just doesn't align with uh... most trans people to#whom these things are a matter of life or death actually so please sit down...
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#guess who's goin nutso crazy over the same guy again. ya its me JDJJDDJJDJDNDNDNX#things have been Progressing. n like this is slow burn territory so its like a . ... he messaged me first outta the blue. ABOUT SCHOOL.#BABY STEPS. ...#god i cant believe i may have met a guy who's as slow as me JDJDJDDJDJDDJDJDJD#im frustrated but im also like enjoying it.#and like maybe him messaging me doesnt seem like a big deal but OH IT IS. IT ISSS.#like woth him.... this is an Accomplishment#he also like... waits for me after class so we can walk together#he used to JET out the room like a rocket#but god... GOD. he waited all last week for me. oh i like him sooooo muchhhhh#n i hope its mutual#n e way HDJDJJDJDJDJDJDJD#this isnt even far but to me its like.... the farthest ive ever got with a guy ive liked this much#which isnt really saying anything JDJDJDJDJJDJD but only bc ive never liked someone so much b4. hes just so cute. like just everything about#him !!!!@@@ like even when hes grumpy n complaining im like oh ur so cute... (in my head of course JDJDJDJDJDJ)#personal
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Thoughts on the P3 casts personas? i.e which do you prefer between the initial and secondary personas and which are your favourites?
Oh god thank Rui ily for this
Ok so I'll keep this one fairly opinion based (because someone else asked me a very similar question and I thought fuck it I'll rant about them twice because Personas and their designs are my fav thing to talk about) so without further ado:
So in general I absolutely adore the Persona 3 cast's Personas. Design wise they're not as flashy as P5's but I feel like they don't need to be because their more muted color palette and simpler designs fit the tone of P3 well. There are some I love to pieces (Penthesilea, Artemisia, Caesar, Castor and Cerberus come to mind) and then there are some that I don't like that much (Polydeuces and Nemesis). I'll put a more detailed breakdown undercut because I know I'll get carried away lmao but those are my general thoughts!
I'll break them down by character so it's easier!
MC/FeMC: OK so I do have a preference for male Orpheus but I honestly like both! Female Orpheus has a more cheery color palette (well brighter is prob the better word) which I like a lil more but I think the original one is just iconic. I love his harp and how he uses it to bash enemies idk why that's so funny to me it just is. Thanatos is probably one of my favorite designs ever I love that guy so much. I love his mask and I love how beast like he is. And the coffins? Absolute banger design. Messiah is overall a good design but I'm not as fond of it? It's very well executed but I think because it's so late in the game and it's just not as iconic as the other two I'm kinda meh about it you know. Thanatos is my fav for the MCs (and if he doesn't count for whatever reason then Orpheus).
Junpei: I don't have too much to say about Hermes design wise other than I like him! I like his bird look and tbh my fav thing about him is actually his attack animations! The way he slides into enemies is really satisfying to me idk why. Trismegistus though. God I love him so much. Mostly because of his awakening scene that is honestly one of the highlights of the game (like a lot of the second tier awakenings) and the fact his design is a fusion of Hermes and Medea is just so so good. I def prefer him.
Yukari: I really enjoy both Io and Isis a lot. I really like their designs and their lore and how it ties into Yukari's own story! However compared to some of the others, these designs kinda fall in the middle of the pack for me. Solid looks but nothing crazy you know? I think I slightly prefer Isis because of her wings I think that's such a cool design feature.
Akihiko: Ah my boy. He has one of the best and the worst persona designs of the cast for me. Polydeuces is such a dope choice for him as a Persona. Picking the immortal half of the Gemini twins for him and giving Shinji the other one is so so so so good and I could rant all day about why I love the concept. The design? Ugly af I'm sorry 😭 I cannot stand it it looks so weird the big bulky body with the skinny little legs looks so off-putting and his hair is just so weird? I don't like it at all 💀 Caesar however???!! Absolutely ADORE him. Such a powerful looking design and I love the lil person who sits in his chest (I'm one of the "it represents Shinji" people because I just love that idea so much). Caesar def is my preference here.
Fuuka: I really love Fuuka's Personas because of how she interacts with them. I really like how she's encased inside the persona and I think both Lucia and Juno look really really good. Unfortunately they're kinda similar to Yukari's for me in that they're like both very good but just don't stand out as much as some of the others. I prefer Lucia for her lore and I prefer Juno's design so 🤷♂️
Mitsuru: Oh baby. I absolutely adore Penthesilea and Artemisia to DEATH. I have written essays on here about the details of their designs and how they fit Mitsuru as a character so so well. Probably two of my favorites in the entire series. If I had to pick I think I'd give the slight edge to Artemisia because the fact that she has that red mask symbolizing the fact Mitsuru is finally coming out of her shell and letting down her walls a little makes me so so emotional.
Koromaru: Cerberus is a very very good boy. I think it's a really on the nose design but there's nothing wrong with that he's perfect. 10/10 would pet and give treats.
Ken: I think Ken's personas have the same deal as Akihiko's for me but to a lesser degree. I don't like Nemisis that much. I don't hate it as much as I hate Polydeuces, I just think it looks really awkward. I could see what they were going for and the blade saw thing is cool it just looks... Kinda weird. Idk. Kala-nemi on the other hand I much prefer! I think it does the over exaggerated proportions much better than Polydeuces (it's big bulky shoulders look and move really well) and I like the lore behind it. It's not a massive favorite but I enjoy it.
Aigis: Honestly I like both Palladion and Athena a lot. They're both really solid designs and they fit Aigis super well! I'd have to give the edge to Athena though because I love the big shields that circle her. Really cool touch.
Shinjiro: Oh god Castor. I adore Castor so so much. Such a fantastic design. The horse the blade in the chest just everything about him. He looks like Polydeuces but just so so much better. Brilliant design def one of my favs in the series.
#asks#wildcard-rumi#persona 3#fuck it main tag#good lord i went crazy#and im about to go crazy with the next ask too LMAOOOO#literally never ask me about persona designs i will not shut up#but yeah i love sees persona so much#they might not be as cool overall as the thieves personas but god damn do they hit hard#i dont mean to shit on polydeuces so much LMAOO i just really think its ugly 😭#can y'all tell which ones are my favs LMAOOO#im also attached to mitsuru's personas just because ive spent a lot of time studying them for reasons ehehe#but yeah thank you for the ask rui!! bet you weren't expecting this long an answer LMAOOO#i really hope i didnt forget anyone that would be embarrassing af#also before anyone says anything i left out metis deliberately I'll get to her in a minute
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i am the poisoned blood running through my tired veins
#my posts#personal#ITS SO MOT FUCKINH FAIR.#since he hates me now i dont care if he sees this and im pretty sure i fucking blocked the reat of them so idontfucking care#i hate all kf them so much and i dont fucking care how bad they hurt. i hurt too#for some INSANE REASON i was the only oke that had to apologize. why did they never apologize .#they know they hurt me. He knkws he hurt me.#when j say this they think im selfish. they can think what they want.#byt jts fucking crazy to act like im the only one tjat did anything wronh#i fucking admitted i was wrong. but it wasnt enough. notjing is ever enough for them!#if He ever tries to text me again im not responding. it was stupid of me to respons.#i wonder what he would say if he knew that i chose ro respond by chance of a coin flip#if it had landed on tails i wouldnt be making this post.#he cares more than i do. i dont have the luxury of caring.#he says “i led him on” but if he wanted skme speicodx kind of love fucking say skmething#i didnt knkw i was supposed to be differenr. if he had said that from the dtart i never would have agreed.#i didnt want to change for him.#he shouldve been different and he shouldve been better#i shouldve been too. but atleast i can admit ghat#what the fuck do you mean when you say you understand why j do what you do and uou get it so deeply#but then you still leave. does rhat mean you understand how much you hurt me that first time#it barely hurts anymore. but i cried four times last nigjt#now i dont feel it and now i dont care. youll never knkw little i can let myself care#ill distract myself until i forget all about you because i csnt let myself feel any of this#i dont care if im not changjng the way you begged me to. thats not an option rigjtnmow#im still fighting to stay alive. i dont know that you understand what thats like#you say you get it. i tjink you just say that#you loved me and i dont like that. i warned you and you dwatted my warning away#how is that all my fault.#how is all of this my fault.
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Travelling back home tomorrow hoping for a smooth groove
#i did have a really nice week last week but now im back to everything feeling busy#(its not really that busy)#and oh i miss being slow like idk ever since i was a literal child doing ONE excursion weekly#for an hour#always felt like such s draining burden#and tbh i would like to know why thst is because while it's easy to see as poor habit as an adult reinforcing itself#as a kid i was always made to do things. see people.#i did a summer camp every year at least during the day#i did sports i went hiking in forests#but i remember so distinctly like an age where i stopped asking my parents to try new things#because i would get so excited!!!! but then every week it would become this overwhelming presence#despite being something that i actively enjoyed#and it eventually felt so awful i was like okay no more wanting things you dont use them wisely#like ouch yeah actually that's a big one. wanting things usually wraps back#around to shame or guilt just about always#anyway how is this relevant to travelling?#it's just that i have to travel tomorrow and i have a doctors appointment Friday i have to go to in person#ive changed beds ive slept in 3 times in 5 days#and all i can say at the end of it is that even these little things are JUST enough to be on edge#to feel like im putting my hands over my ears and closing my eyes and pretend nothing bad is gonna happen#even thougu DEFINITELY something bad is going to happen#but of course it doesnt because this is all benign stuff ive done a trillion times before of no note#crazy how complicated it can be to be a person#it is why i dream of living in a small village where i am an apprentice tradesperson and i live simple house#and the house you can walk to anywhere you need to anywhere you need in an your#but no one is that urgent about anything anyway.#beautiful little place that has never actually ever existed for anyone in anytime#but i am still wanting to scream and pull my hair out just asking why why cant everything slow down and be smaller
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#i hate that i'm like this but the girl we're hosting used my mug and it makes me irrationally angry#like#i didn't ever tell her ''hey don't use this mug because i have my own stuff and i don't like cross contaminating''#so i KNOW i have no right to be angry#and it coooouuld have been one of my family members who used it but i doubt it because they know i don't like sharing mugs and glasses etc#but either way this is just a symptom of how chaotic i feel in my own house and i hate myself for being like this#i never say anything because i KNOW its crazy people talk to be like ''hey that's my seat. why? because i always sit there and like it?''#and i know it doesn't affect anyone how the spoons are organized and how the plates are stacked and where the pots are stored#but its just infuriating to see things in places where (in my mind system) they don't go#i know it's the autism but that has never found me any sort of sympathy in my family (diagnosis or no diagnosis) so i can't say that#and if i skirt around it and say ''i like things a certain way and not having them like that causes me severe emotional distress''#it makes me seem controlling and abusive (which are things my mom has implied i am when i explain these things to her)#i know the real reason for these issues isn't our guest but also at this point she isn't our fucking guest because SHE'S BEEN HERE A MONTH#and she is clearly overstaying her welcome imo#i don't say anything because i'm not a mean person but i'm sure everyone around me can tell i'm stressed about something#i just need my space back but i don't even feel like i have a claim over that cuz mexican families are full of the ''my house my rules'' bs#which is untrue because a) the house isn't even owned by my parents anymore#(they made some stupid financial choices years ago and my uncle had to buy the house from them or risk foreclosure)#and b) we're all adults (except my brother obviously) and we all contribute however we can#so i should have some say in how i feel if i'm living here imo#and i am trying to make money however i can so i can move out soon#but just going out twice a week has me like this i can't imagine working a traditional job atm#(i did apply for a grant for autistic people of color so hopefully something will come of that)#anyways that was my rant i'm just really stressed and constantly on the brink of a meltdown#it's not this random girls fault#she just happens to be the final drop in my very very small bucket very often these days#(y'know because she's a fucking stranger in my house and i hate having to mask in my own home idk i'm awful i probably won't post this)
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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its so odd thinking back to my life a few years ago compared to now
#like. my life really sucked. its so weird to think about that. every second before i thought 'its not so bad' even when it was bad#and now i see shit it really was that bad. i really did have a reason to want to kill myself all the time#maybe i dont have to blame myself for the person i was before while i had was dealing with all that stuff. who could act normally in that#kind of situation. of course i did bad shit and feel bad about it but i was a kid. and now im treating her the way that i was always treate#back then. i was in survival mode the entire time and just never realized it#and its so strange to think about how my life sucked and i was scared and alone all the time from the perspective of myself now#im not without support anymore. im not walking on eggshells anymore. im not afraid of violence all the time anymore#i dont believe my family hates me anymore. im not ready to pack up and leave because i think theyd be better off without me anymore#before i got good at anything my hobby was thinking of all the ways i could die and who would care. i spent all my time doing this#my daydreams were only about how people would react if i died. i dont do this that often anymore. close to never. and its so odd to remembe#since i was 6 i used to think this way. and up until a year or two ago i hated every version of myself and blamed them for me#but how was that fair. my life doesnt suck anymore. people i was without came back to me and love me#i see my cousins all the time. when i text them they text back. they ask me if im okay. they know when im not eating even when theyre not#around. i dont walk on eggshells around my mom as much as i used to. her attention isnt as divided as it used to be.#my brother is more of a brother than a stranger or an enemy. the image of him now and our relationship compared to what it used to be is#crazy. i had so much reason to be sad back then. i dont know why im still sad now when i got out of that life.#even now the reasons i have to be sad have dissolved. i used to feel like i was going insane without anyone to say the things i want to to#but i can say them to my cousin now. i have places i belong. its so strange to think about. idk#aricouldyounot
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mfs cant even dress. fuckin. wearing basketball shorts and a nondescript t shirt and short ass hair and have the gall to make fun of other people for dressing different. okay background character
#ok least memorable guy in the room#oh? oh what josh? do you play sports? you real good at your sports ball?#you smoke weed after school n shit? listen to rap music?#and thats your entiiiiiiiiiiiiiire personality. lol. lmao.#oh and its mainstream rap too. like wiz khalifa or somethin. and you never listen deeply to the lyrics or what they say#you only listen to it to feel cool while you smoke your weed.#oh and i bet you make having a care a personality too since theres literally absolutely nothing else remarkable about your character#car*#do ya go fishing? maybe like guns? maybe you just got a dog recently. wow. a real step forward for you and your empty ass soulless life#do you ever volunteer for things? do you ever actually. give a fuck about things?#do you have a hobby outside of sports? do you spend literally any time alone introspecting?#do you cope with life by drinking and vaping with your pals to avoid having to ever have a thought or feel an ounce of regret for being a#piece of shit?#crazy how i can read you like the back of my hand tyler josh stevenson#and by golly do you never question the ethicality of owning a lawn either. thats never crossed your mind. because giving af about anything#has never crossed your mind besides yourself#wonder how dissapointed your mom is in you but never tells you outright#she prolly hoped you would become more. stay a nice sweet little boy. but naur#ya didn't. and now you're pinning after celebrities who wear designer brands. because your life is empty and soulless.#too mean? eh. he needs to hear it.
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