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system-of-a-feather · 10 months

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Also a lil more elaboration on this post from the OG guy in the system who talks this shit but it's also important to know when adopting radical self acceptance is that being a fucking idiot and a coward and crap literally has no inherent "oh Im a good or bad or cool or lame" person on it's own

Literally everyone is stupid in their own way and literally everyone has the things they are scared to deal with and face from time to time. I'm a part very dissociated from the concept of fear and my brain converts it fast to other shit, but I do fear letting myself down - both as a part and as a part ofba system - and doing harm by the few I deeply respect; momentarily I am prone to being scared of having my shit taken - trauma crap

That shits literally normal, being scared of shit is literally a completely normal and natural thing across almost all animal species (some argue all). There is no personal judgement attached to literally any feeling on its own.

The difference is whether you can look at that feeling and say "damn I'm scared and that a sucks ass feeling" and actually accept, address and deal with that feeling - or if you are going to deny-deny-deny.

And that isn't to say "Oh you are a stupid coward for wanting to deny it" because again, it is OK to admit you are scared and not ready to deal with something. That takes huge fucking balls to admit. If you aren't ready to deal with it, cool man that's fine, but do take a moment to actually affirm that with yourself - that CURRENTLY in the moment you are not ready to deal with it.

That is not "running away from it like a coward" that is acknowledging the truth of your current state and leaving space for it.

If you can get comfortable admitting that you are too scared to do something right now, you are inherently - in subtext - letting yourself know that 1) you accept that you are scared and it is a real thing about you that you are willing to embrace but also 2) that as much as that is a truth of your current state, that it is just that - a current state.

There literally is no shame or inherent judgement to be found in a feeling alone. Feelings alone don't mean shit. Feelings alone LITERALLY don't mean SHIT. It's how you handle and act in regards to them both internallyvwith yourself and externally with others that determines if you are being cringe (derogatory) or cringe (affectionate) and sorry not sorry, every action you do there will be someone who thinks you are cringe so theres no escaping being cringe WHILE being your authentic self.

Anyways, building radical self acceptance is a hard thing to do so I got mad respects for anyone building it. Most of the system doesn't get it yet either and so I get how hard it is and all.

I actively basically bully and harrass Riku about it 24/7 7 days a week 52 weeks a year for the past 3 years until they get it into their dumb skull. And while I call them a fuckin dumbass, I am pretty proud of how casually and readily they have learned to admit when they are being "a coward" which is easier verbage for them than outright saying "scared" which I'll take.

But honestly, get in touch with your vulnerable "not cool" parts of yourself that you are embarrassed about and just get used to stating it as it is. Those vulnerable and embarrassing aspects are only as embarrassing and insecure as you let them be. If you hide them and try to keep people from seeing it, of course you are going to feel scared to let others see it, of course you are going to feel insecure, and of course you aren't going to be confident when anything relating that comes up out of fear of your insecurity showing.

It's self assassination honestly. Judging your emotions and internal experiences like they mean anything other than a reflection of your current self and what you need us just not productive.

But I digress. Its a complicated and difficult thing to build and work on and itll always be more nuanced and specific to the individual than I can ever chart out in a casual ramble on some of my life philosophies and principles on shit.

So take home message? Try to stop judging your feelings and just, ya know, have them. They may suck but its just how it is in the moment and the moment can always change.

#alter: xiv #ramble #xiv rambles #emotional processing #ep rambles #yeah im an ep #recovery #healing #radical self love #radical self acceptance

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armin-supremacy · 2 years

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Hey so I saw your Bunny MC headcanon thing and really liked it! So I wanted to send a idea if it’s not too much trouble that is.

Here’s the idea, The MC in the game is a little kid and so when the demon brothers go to MC’s house for the first time they meet reader (a.k.a, Y/n) And they grow a humongous crush on Y/n. MC knowing them for year year notices their crush and decides to help the brothers (+ maybe the datables if you want that is) Thank you for reading this! Have a good day / night :) ❤️

sjydjajd I'm so sorry for the wait, thank you for being so patient 🥺❤️ pls note that i did age mc to an adult seeing as i dont feel itd make sense for a kid to be in the Devildom bestie, i hope you dont mind ~

pov : operation wingman

pairings: brothers (separate) x gn!reader

format: headcannon

genre: fluff, maybe a wee lil bit of crack

"I'll get it!"

You made your way to the door, yelling to the unexpected visitors that you were coming. You swung the door open with a smile, greeted by seven surprised faces.

"Can I help you?" Your tone was kind. You titlted your head to the side as you waited for an answer.

"We're friends of mc. This is the right home, correct?"

You nodded, turning your head back to call your sibling. Moving to the side, you gestured them into your home. "Come on in, make yourself comfortable."

He couldn't stop staring. He was absolutely smitten.

v subtle looks

plays it off as if hes admiring the décor of the home

little does he know

mc knows a crush blooming when they see one

"luci, you alright? you look a little thirsty there?" smirky smirk mc

"now that you mention, i would love a glass of water'

facepalm

plan b

mc leaves small hints and openings for lucifer to get close you

mc makes sure your feeling luci tho first

defiantly told asmo

cue cupid duo

its a slow burn love but EVENTUALLY

luci and reader sitting in a tree

k-i-s-s-i-n-g

def sneaks over any chance he can

gets in deep shit but

home boy dont care

mc immediately starts teasing him about his lil crush

"oh shit you serious?"

wingman mode activated

sometimes gets you a lil gift when he comes over

"oh i just thought these flowers would look nice in the living room"

mc made sure he got your favorite flowers

"they got my order wrong and gave me an extra, you want it?"

mc made sure he got your favorite

it doesn't take long for YOU to catch on tho

,,,,,especially since mc cant keep their mouth shut long

denies denies denies

at first

but mc to the rescue

mc told him to let them take care of everything

dear god

it started off easy

they would invite you to play games with them whenever he came to visit

but this one time was different

"oh! i forgot our snacks. i'll be right back!"

sneaky lil mc

levi is freaking out on the inside once mc leaves the room

the two of you were alone. ALONE

you were the one to initiate the talking

and once you managed to get levi talking, it was nice.

itll take time, but it was def on the right track

+1 point for wingman mc

mc will find a reason to give him an opening to spend time with you

satan is def a man who needs to get to know someone before considering moving forward past a friendship

for example

mc will come home late from something on 'accident' when he comes over to hang out

mc will find an excuse to run a quick errand or something

anything to get you two alone for a bit

satan caught on quick to mc's antics

but he's silently thankful

just don't mention it to his brothers.

pls. thx

immediately tells mc about his lil crush

tho mc is a bit hesitant about asmo and their sibling, it doesn't take long for them to warm up to the idea

offers to be wingman after making asmo swear to treat you goody good

and now to the fun stuff

tho asmodeus wears his heart on his sleeve, he still need a bit of encouragement

always includes you in spa times he has with mc when he visits

uses a face mask to take advantage of being close to you

just to see how you react to his touch or gaze

gets your favorite scents mc was kind enough to fill him in on when searching for new products to try with you

mc caught on before Beel did tbh

not saying Beel is slow, more like he kinda shrugged the feeling off until it became a bigger crush

mc shows beel how to make your favorite snack/meal

but plays it off a coincidence

"it was beel's idea, said he's never made it before"

"oh right, it is your favorite! isnt that silly?"

though messes up slightly on one ingriednet

"why don't you show us how to make it right? so we know where we messed up."

mc slips away while you're in cooking mode

beel is such a perfect lil helper actually 10/10 makes you swoon

this man takes the easiest route

surprised mc would be the one to come up with it

mans forgot he can just whip up into dreams

so, after a few visits, it begins

while he makes short appearances in your dreams

out of respect and privacy and not wanting to fuck up his shot

he doesn't stay long and doesn't do anything drastic

for example

he'll just play through a day you've spent with him and mc

though mc isnt present

mc is conveniently there for you to tell these dreams to

and your growing feelings

when you confess in your dreams and he's sure the feeling are reciprocated

he'll come forward a few days later in person

~~~~~~

i wont lie, i had a bit of trouble with this one. but i love the challenge! thank you so much for your patience and requesting! i hope it was to your expations~

#obey me shall we date #obey me x mc #obey me x reader #obey me belphegor #obey me mammon #obey me satan #obey me leviathan #obey me asmodeus #obey me lucifer #obey me beelzebub #obey me #obey me headcanons

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dual-fantasy · 4 months

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FANON SVETLANA. FROTHS AT THE MOUTH. can people please be for real for a Second. like mike shes actually kind of a bad person but cause shes a strong woman the mind of a total drama fan can only comprehend her being motherly. I think she should also be allowed to try and kill scott. shes equally as cool and awful as mike. if not more. in my dream post total drama au shes just worst because she deserves to be. I think vito is easily one of the funniest total drama characters hands down. everything about him even just in canon is fucking hilarious. the italian superstrength of course isn't realistic but it's the funniest thing to me. especially since most of the total drama fandom doesn't even question it hes just like that. he has a bunch of random skills nobody knows about. he probably doesnt either. anne marias car gets fucking wrecked like crumpled into a compact silver ball its shocking she made it out. he fixes it in 10 minutes with his hands and a plastic fork that survived the crash. hes completely and utterly stupid but only at common things to know. he cant do algebra but he can name every invasive insect species in history documented and otherwise. him and anne maria date for like a year after total drama but he leaves her for cars and men. he tries to help cameron work out once and it goes horribly wrong cameron gets hurt in ways nobodies ever been hurt before. doctors scientists priests etc are all dumbfounded. same thing happens when he brings cameron to literally just sit and watch him work at the mechanics. nobody even knows how he got hurt he just did. camerons not allowed within 50 feet of something metal anymore cause itll get him violently injured in a way that defies all science and god. anne maria is also underrated and so fucking funny. she records it every single time mike and scott fight. she encourages it. she bets at least ten dollars on mike. i think jomaria is so real but in ways nobody else understands. they show up to the Scike Fights together those are dates to them. svetmaria as well but in an awful gritty girlfailure way. my person headcanon(??) is that the reset button was completely made up. mike wanted off the show and it was the only way to get chris to leave them alone. once he was off the show he became so much cooler. but stereotypical cool bully kid in a movie kind of cool(think like... leather jacket) and nobody has the heart(and healthcare) to tell him that it doesn't actually look cool. most of his shirts are stained with Scott Blood. he acts like the type of guy to smoke but he tried it once and almost died. coughed and choked for at least an hour. the same with drinking he acts like he does but he needs emotional support to take a shot. when he actually gets drunk(after crying and gagging 10 times) hes just stupid and pathetic. he learns how to speak up for himself and he gets into fights but hes a loser boyfailure at heart. he rants to brick about a stupid pirated movie hes been watching while he washes the Scott Blood out from under his nails. he is the crywank and mccafferty boy ever but not in a sad way. just in a way you have to understand. Grave Dog

I have a lot of thoughts about the treatment of women in total drama. I'll probably make a whole post about it but it's actually kinda sickening that so many fans still treat women the way they do. fanon Svetlana is my 13th reason I stg. she should be worse. she should be strangling people. she should be biting and clawing and kicking. I love her. she deserves it.

Vito is literally the funniest total drama character I think. his entire existence is so funny to me. the Italian superstrength is an extra funny concept because the fandom doesn't question it, but also the contestants don't either. they all just accept that sometimes Vito can do stuff. randomly. he knows how to make like every poison ever and also he cannot fucking count. the car crash concept is so funny to me too. she brings it to him and it's fucking destroyed and they all look away and he's already fixed it. he does leave her for cars and men. he gives me grease (1978) energy but if grease was a little bit more faggoty and rocky horror picture show (1975). the Cameron concept made me burst out laughing. literally fucking incredible. Cameron gets hit by a car family-guy Brian-fucking-dies style while Vito is driving his dumbass convertible that's made out of cardboard, mod podge, and a tin can.

I also think that Manitoba smith is hilarious to me. it might just be the Australian in me but he means everything to me. he's canonically married? noone talks about that? he mentions his wife? when what who where why? and also I think he knows a lot about genuine Australian culture that noone should know unless they've been to Australia. he has literally never left Canada but he knows everything. he says "I'mgunna run down to wollies to snag lamingtons n a Bundaberg, wunna want?" and everyone stares at him like he's fucking insane. he warns everyone of dropbears. he calls them Zooper doopers. literally noone knows where he got this from.

I agree that the reset button was the only way to get Chris to leave him alone. noone wanted to get brought back so they decided that they would just. lie. and get off of the show. Chris didn't know it was fake he did literally no research whatsoever. chef knew it was fake but he didn't say anything because he understood the want to get off the show.

Anne Maria is soooo underrated it's insane. her elimination was actually iconic. even tho it's a fake diamond she could still sell it for a pretty decent price. it's a massive fucking jewel she could still scam someone with it. it's amazing actually. she means everything to me. jomaria so real they watch mike beat the shit out of Scott. Anne Maria is running bets and jo is charging admission to watch. they make so much money. also I believe in jo/Anne Maria/Svetlana. they beat up scott together. I love them.

mike is such a poser he's literally amazing. his shirts are all stained with blood (mainly Scott's) but if he ever tried to drink vodka he would shrivel up and die. he is the lightest weight ever. brick is holding his hair back while he's vomiting and threatening Scott (who hasn't been there for 10 minutes) after he took a singular shot. he is literally the worst and my personal favourite. Jo helps him wash blood out of his jeans while he's gossiping with Anne maria. I completely understand the McCafferty and crywank guy he's also the front bottoms and modern baseball. you're so real always

#total drama #td #total drama roti #td roti #td revenge of the island #revenge of the island #td mike #td svetlana #td vito #td manitoba smith #love him! hes cringe and can do anything he wants #🪦🐕#long post

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ijustloveharry · 2 years

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REGULAR REBOUNDS / 2.1k words / fluff

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're breaking up with me?" I asked, eyes wide.

Carlos and I had only been together for a couple months, so this was nothing too heartbreaking, but it was definitely unexpected.

"Yeah I just don't feel like we are really clicking, you know?"

No, I don't know.

"Sure. See you around" I rolled my eyes, exiting his car. Who takes a girl on a date and breaks up with her when dropping her off?

I pulled my phone out, scrolling to a contact that hasn't been clicked in awhile.

"Hey" he answered on the first ring

"Hey, you busy?"

"Nope. You and Carl broke up?"

"Carlos - yeah. Ugh, I'll explain more when I get there. You aren't seeing anyone?"

"Nah. Figured it was only time til this ended and I didn't want to leave you hanging." He mocked

"Whatever. I'll be there in 5".

I hung up and drove the couple blocks to Harry's apartment.

Harry was not boyfriend material. The first time we slept together was at a party in my first year, and he made it very clear that he did not date and that wouldn't change. Luckily, I told him I had no interest in dating him either.

Alas, a beautiful friendship was formed. A very hot, sexual friendship, but a friendship nonetheless.

I sent Harry a quick 'here' text before heading up the steps to his house.

"Hey." Harry winked as I sat down on the couch next to him.

"Hey Y/N, sorry to hear about you and Carlos." Niall smiled from the other sofa.

I shrugged, taking Harry's beer from his hand and finishing it off.

"Wasn't that serious anyway" I replied.

"At least you'll be around more" Niall smirked knowingly

"For now" I said, caving from Harry's pout and getting us each a beer from the fridge.

"Liz and Marty are gonna be over in a bit, and I think Ryder was also gonna stop by."

"Itll be nice to see them all." I smiled, handing Harry his beer.

"Yeah well, ya disappear every time you get a boyfriend"

"Conflict of interest to hang with my fuckbuddy and his friends when I start seeing someone. I'd love to stay friends, but I think Harry gets custody of you guys whenever we have to separate."

Niall laughed, feeling his pockets. "Ah, fuck. I'll be back."

He left the room, leaving Harry and I alone in the living room.

"Hi-" I was interrupted by Harry pressing his lips to mine, hand snaking onto my waist.

My eyes fluttered shut as he deepens the kiss, taking my beer bottle and placing it to the side. His hand found my bum and he pulled me into his lap, hands reaching into my hair.

"Whoa, get a room. I was gone for two bloody minutes!" Niall laughed, waving a joint.

I turned from straddling Harry's lap to sitting with my legs draped across, accepting the joint from Niall.

"Thought you didn't smoke?" Harry raised his eyebrows

"Carlos got me into it, surprisingly." I smiled, holding it out for him.

Harry leaned in, taking a hit from my fingers instead of grabbing it himself.

"I'll have to thank him for showing you how to have a little fun"

"Thank him for wasting my time" I mumbled, taking another hit before passing it back to Niall.

"Is that Y/N?"

Ryder's voice could be heard from the living room.

"Hey Ry" I smiled, standing to give him a hug "how have you been?"

"Not bad. I'm happy you're back with Harry! I've missed you."

"We're not together" Harry clarified, pulling me back down onto his lap. "Just fucking"

"Oh whatever. It's quite confusing from an outside view, yeah?"

"Marty and Liz are coming too, grab a beer and siddown bud" Niall said, pulling Ryder onto the couch next to him

"What about Carter?" I asked, noticing someone was missing

"He moved to LA" Harry mumbled "that's why Niall and I are roomies now"

"Whoa. Ive missed a lot." I laughed "Harry will have to fill me in later"

"We will be very busy later" Harry whispered, nipping at my ear

"Oi! I know you lot have been apart for however long but I don't need to keep seeing it" Niall said

"Sorry mate, but if you don't stay elsewhere tonight you're gonna have to hear it too"

"Harry!" I slapped his arm, chuckling at his warning

"You can stay with me" Ryder offered, feigning disgust

"We were gonna go to that karaoke pub off campus later if you wanna come with." Harry said, rubbing my leg

"Sure." I smiled, finishing the last of my beer. "What time were you guys thinking?"

"Whenever Marty gets here, I guess" Niall answered, passing the joint around again

"What's that?" Marty asked, poking his head in the room "I heard my name"

"Y/N!" Liz said, rushing over to give me a hug. "It's been forever"

"Yeah sorry I haven't been around much"

"Are you coming out with us?" Marty asked, hanging his coat

"She is, and we are leaving right now so you should probably put that back on" Harry said, standing to give Liz a hug.

"We have so much catching up to do" Liz said, taking my hand and leading me to walk with her.

"Ask away" I laughed, Liz and I leading the way to the bar.

"What happened with Carlos?"

"He took me on a super romantic date and then told me we 'didn't click' while dropping me off"

"Ouch"

"I mean yeah, getting dumped doesn't feel great" I shrugged "but we weren't together for that long."

"3 months is a decent amount of time" Liz reasoned "it's okay to be bummed"

I shrugged, not sure what to respond.

"Maybe now you and Harry can declare your love for one another" Liz wiggled her eyebrows and lit up a joint

I rolled my eyes, grabbing the joint from her hand "No"

"I didn't know you smoked"

"I'm a changed girl" I grinned

"Changed enough to commit to Harry?"

"Shut up" I laughed, nudging her off the sidewalk "We're just friends"

"Friends who have super passionate sex"

"What makes you qualified to define our sex as passionate?" I raised my eyebrows

Liz shrugs "lucky guess"

"What about you and Marty?"

"What about us?"

"I dunno. How are things?" I asked

"Complicated." Liz answered honestly

"Good complicated or bad complicated?"

"Complicated complicated"

I rolled my eyes and glanced back at the boys, seeing them yards behind us.

"I can't wait to do some shots and sing some karaoke" Liz cheered

"It's been so long since I've been" I smiled, seeing the bar up ahead

"Oh I guess hey? Well, if you're lucky I'll sing a duet with you"

"How romantic"

~~~~~~~~~~

"Two shots of tequila please" I ordered, grinning at Harry

"Ugh, tequila is disgusting"

"I drink to get wasted, not to enjoy the taste" I rolled my eyes, downing both shots

"Hey!"

"You complained, so you didn't get one" I shrugged, walking away from the bar and leaving him to pay

"Y/N! You should sing" Niall called from a little further ahead

"Im definitely not drunk enough yet" I laughed, pointing at the stage "You should go up there"

"Tell ya what, let's go do some shots and sing something together"

"Done deal" I grinned, heading back in the direction I came

"I'll never be able to convince Harry to sing, so at least someone wants to do it with me"

"Actually, he went up a couple weeks ago" Niall said, ordering a round of shots

I raised my eyebrows, glancing around for his curly hair

"Here you go" Niall handed me 3 shot glasses

"Cheers" I squinted, examining the clear liquid

"It's revolting. Get it over with as fast as possible"

I shot back all three, gagging on the last one.

"There you are" Harry said, finding his way to us "You owe me $14"

"You owe me an explanation" I replied, crossing my arms

"I'm gonna go pick a song" I gave Niall a thumbs up as he walked back to the stage

"What's up?" Harry asked, hand finding my waist

"I hear you sung some karaoke when I wasn't even here" I fake pouted "I think this hurts even more than my breakup 3 hours ago"

"Sorry about the breakup" Harry winced "and the karaoke was a huge mistake and never going to happen again"

"Nuh-uh. I can't believe you'd finally do it when I wasn't here!"

"I was trying to impress a girl" Harry mumbled "and it didn't even work. Please drop it"

I raised my eyebrows "So you're not trying to impress me?"

"I don't need to impress you, I can be myself around you. Plus, you'll sleep with me regardless"

"Why do you have to be an asshole when you're being endearing?"

"Just being myself" He grinned, slapping my ass as I left to go sing karaoke

*****

"You were really hot up on stage" Harry mumbled holding my hand as we walked back to his and Niall's house.

"Thanks" I laughed, lighting the joint Niall handed me on our way out of the bar

"I cant believe your BOYFRIEND convinced you to get stoned and I couldn't" Harry pouted, puffing the joint

"Ex-boyfriend, and I couldn't get you to do karaoke so I think we're even." I giggled.

The shots we took post-karaoke were still very much affecting Harry and I both, easily noticed by the way we were zigzagging around the sidewalk.

"Can you believe I let the girl PICK the song and she still didn't leave with me" Harry grumbled "fuckin tease"

"I'd never do that to you" I pouted, stopping to steady myself on his arm. "I feel a little silly"

"You are silly" Harry chuckled, "come on."

Harry squatted down so I could hop on his back

"Weeeee!"

"Oi! Stop kicking your legs or you're gonna knock us both over"

"Sorry" I giggled, holding the joint to his mouth

"So you wanna talk about Carlos?"

"What about him?"

"Are you actually okay? I know that rebounding is kind of our thing, but it happened today so it's okay if you just wanna talk about it"

I hiccuped, trying really hard to focus on his words. Harry must be much less drunk than me to coherently say all those words.

"We were together for like one second and we didn't even sleep together" I confessed, likely due to the liquor

"What?" Harry stopped, turning his head to look at me. "No wonder he broke up with you. How come?"

I shrugged, taking a puff of the joint "might be the liquor talking, but it's never as good as it is with you"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I was honestly pretty relieved when he broke up with me. I wasn't expecting it, and I didn't plan to break up with him, but I dunno. I was excited when I realized that meant I got to call you and finally get laid"

"Can I tell you a secret? And this might also be the liquor talking."

"Wha?"

"I called the last girl I hooked up with Y/N. While I was cumming. Yikes"

"Whoa, what?" I said, blaming the butterflies on the alcohol

"Yeah, I was even hanging out with her for awhile and thought it might go somewhere. Then when we finally slept together, I couldn't stop thinking about you the whole time"

Harry stopped, letting go of my legs so they hit the ground. I moaned in protest, leaning on his arm

"I think I'm too drunk to have sex" Harry mumbled

"That's too bad, I was really banking on you doing most of the work"

Harry laughed, finishing off the joint and tossing it in a nearby garbage

"I hate to be like, needy, but can we just go lay in bed and cuddle?" Harry asked sheepishly

"Yes please. This weed is making me extra relaxed"

The rest of the walk to Harry's was short and uneventful. He offered me his jacket and then hung it up when we got inside.

"Hey Y/N?"

"Hm?" I asked, cuddling into him further. The feeling of his body heat and the duvet were consuming in my current state.

"Don't go away this time, yeah?"

"I'm not going anywhere, H. This bed is so comfortable"

"No" he chuckled, pressing a kiss to my forehead "let's just see where this can go"

I sat up, eyeing him curiously

"Harry Edward Styles, are you asking me to be your girlfriend?*

"I hate labels, and I definitely wouldn't want to ask you when I'm this drunk. But you're one of my favourite people, yeah? So... Just stick around for a bit"

"Plus - the killer sex" I mumbled, nuzzling back into his chest

"Plus the killer sex" Harry agreed

#harry styles #harry styles fic #harry styles one shot #fanfiction

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a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire · 1 month

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auggggggh ive been wanting to make this post for an eternity but i havent been able to because I keep trying to explain myself WELL guess what. Im giving up, heres the song Wenn ich tanzen will from Elisabeth: das Musical with english translations, does it not make you think of what if Feysand was interesting

youtube

If you dont wanna watch the whole thing for some reason, I'd like to highlight this part

Fly!

I'll fly alone!

I alone want to accompany you through night and storm

I don't want to be accompanied anymore

Not even by you — I won't let myself be led

You're free only through me

Only through me

Only for me

For me!

For you shall make the way for me

I'm going my own way now

I've seperated myself from you — Leave me alone!

You've fallen in love with me

Because there's no freedom without me

And no one can understand you except for me!

Oh and also this part (theyre kinda singing over each other at this point)

I'm strong enough on my own!

You were only strong as long as you still thought that you were weak

I'm not calling for you!

You will call for me!

I'm not seeking you out!

You will seek me out!

I'm beginning to love my life!

Soon you will hate it!

Okay, I actually lied at the start of this post, I am gonna try to explain myself. My ideal not-boring version of Feysand that I think of when I listen to this song is like. Okay so, the structure of the story is fundamentally the same (except it takes place over a wayyyy longer timespan) with Feyre initially just kinda going about her new life as a traumatized fae and Rhysand coming to pick her up once a month, which ends up helping her because the SC manorhouse is kind of just covered in a bunch of depressing ooze rn (figuratively) and she cant really leave and Rhysand is basically giving her an excuse to hang out in a place without ooze, so its easier for her to have a good time. Rhysand is kinda awkward around her initially because hes basically like "ohhhhhh shit oh fuck, the woman that I tortured UTM as a fucked up way of coping with what Amarantha was doing to is my soulmate!!" because i really hate the fact that Rhysand apparently already knew about her and dreamt about her before she was even fae, it shouldve snapped in place for both of them during that little scene at the end of ACOTAR but Feyre has no concept of how a mating bond is supposed to feel like so shes just kinda like "huh, that felt kinda weird. anyway"

(this inexplicably got very long. like, 6 more paragraphs long. so much for me not explaining myself)

So yeah, Rhysand is hardcore struggling trying to figure out how to win her over despite all of the torture, but fortunately for him all she wants is to be left alone, so he does that, no putting her in unecessary danger and no asking insane favors of her even though theyve only been hanging out for like two weeks. Idrk how, but at some point they would start to get closer, this all happens very slowly, its a true slow-burn. And then one day Tamlin is like "I cant stand it, I need to find a way to break this bargain" so he collects a bunch of guys and he tells Feyre that theyre gonna go out and travel through all of Prythian and maybe even beyond in order to find a way to do it and itll probably take them atleast a few months. And then when Feyre says she wants to come along because this is about her after all, hes like "no, its dangerous and also, if Im gone then the Spring Court is gonna needs its Lady" and then he puts the shield around the manor because yeah, Im keeping Tamlin shitty in this one, sorry. This is about me trying to make Feysand good but trying to figure that out with Tamlin being in-character is too complicated for me rn so Im just gonna stick to the character assassination (thats something SJM probably also said while writing ACOMAF)

So yeah, like in canon, Mor gets her outta there and then Feyre starts permanently staying the night court except shes not going out on political errands because of the war with Hybern because honestly, this whole war plot is so stupid and it feels so unecessary like cmon Sarah girlie, I can tell youre not actually interested in writing politics, just stick to the romance and the healing journey. Anyway, during her stay she inadvertantly starts spending more time with Rhysand and realizing that he suffered too and that hes only human or fae or something like that, which helps her deal with her UTM trauma because she kinda thought of him as the embodiment of all her new trauma, so seeing that hes really not that and that hes just a person that she can make peace with helps her

Rhys is falling head over heels for Feyre because she just reminds him SO much of Cassian while Feyre is kinda conflicted but starting to develop some affection for him, and again, this happens over the course of many many months instead of just two. And after all that time, Feyre is starting feel pretty good and she doesnt really wanna go back to the spring court if shes totally honest with herself and then oops, Tamlin's back! He finds her and hes super worried like "oh my cauldron, feyre, my servants told me he just kidnapped you and they couldnt find a way to free you!! but Im here now and Im taking you back home dont worry" and Feyre feels guilty and shes basically like "yeahhhhh this was totally necessary, I definitely wanna go back... home, its just that he exploited this loophole in the bargain so had to stay here. Totally against my will, oh no it was so bad" and Tamlin tells her not to worry, theyve found a way to break they just need to get back to the spring court so they do that

At the Spring Court, Feyre gets to thinking. She thinks shes basically completely defeated her trauma by hanging out with Rhysand and shes like "well, my trauma was pretty much the main thing that made mine and Tamlins relationship not work, so now that my trauma is gone its gonna be all smooth sailing from here" and she just willfully ignores the fact that his way of coping with his UTM trauma was suffocating her and making it impossible to deal with her own issues and when she pointed it out to him he had a panic attack about it. Also, at this point it kinda hits her that shes been spending all this time with Tamlins enemy and feeling this affection for him that she hasnt really felt for Tamlin ever since theyve been back from UTM and their relationship started getting really bad, so now she feels very guilty and wants to rush into a marriage with him after all. Also, maybe by this point shes revovered enough to take a step back and start focusing on her surroundings again instead of just herself, and she realises that the people of the Spring Court would really need this kind of big celebration after this long time of turmoil and suffering, so maybe that plays into her decision to marry Tamlin as well idk

Meanwhile, Rhysand is back at the night court absolutely CONVINCED that Feyre is gonna come back to him even without the bargain or atleast send him a message or something, because of the mating bond and because by this point he thinks that Feyre loves him back, she just hasnt said it because Tamlin interrupted them or whatever. Yknow, because Feyre stopped throwing shoes at him and started to tolerate his presence somewhat, which are obviously the surefire signs that someone is in love with you. But anyway, Feyre never does get back to him because shes busy with her wedding and also trying very hard not think about either Rhysand or Tamlin too much so she doesnt simply run out into the forest to avoid dealing with all this bullshit

So yeah, Rhysand finds out about Feyre marrying Tamlin and he gets very upset and so he winnows to the Spring Court on the day of the wedding. Feyre has just been dressed up in this gorgeous pastel pink and green pantssuit (thats very important for the story) and now Ianthe is leaving her alone for a bit before the grand wedding ceremony. At this point Rhysand comes in and they have a confrontation thats basically just the song except in dialogue-form, remember when this post was about a song I really like, yeah me neither. During this confrontation I really want Rhysand to bring up the mating bond and kinda throw it in her face and I want Feyre to basically respond "oh, so now the guy who always preached about giving me choices and not letting others decide for me is gonna get on my case for not doing what some god wants from me, gtfo" and thats basically how it ends. Then the next book is the book where Feyre hay to make the choice between Tamlin and Rhysand because its a romance series at the end of the day, so even though I would like the last book to just be Feyre ending up single and going on her own adventures, I recognize that thats not a great ending for a romance series so

I wanna end this off by saying that I was trying to only focus on the romance for this because its easier, if I were to write my ideal acotar sequel it would look different than this even if I used the original acomaf as a base. So yeah, thats it hope you enjoyed my 7am ramblings, I have been awake for three hours already writing this

#miscellaneous acotar thoughts #acotar rewrite #anti acomaf #Youtube

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bunnyb34r · 2 months

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I think the universe WANTS me to have a breakdown at work honestly

Did the other side of the table's clearance, which was somehow worse?? I think this side had more items honestly. So I moved aaaaall the old Sharter's (even the pjs that the girls say are $8 and boys $6 but I leave the $8 sign up bc I dont want to hear front end whining ab customers asking which one was on sale/why isnt the girls one on sale. The boys will still ring up as $6, itll just be a suprise :) ). Essentially swapped them and the licensed shit but it wasnt a one to one swap bc ofc no one recovered for me overnight so it was pure hell. Someday I'll have to swap the carters onesies and the licensed pjs that are now on the "wrong" side of the table (ideally the baby stuff would be one side and big kids the other but fuck you that's why) put out 4 new items, thankfully they FINALLY got smart and got rid of the stupid way they used to do these boys shirts (cardboard hanger pinned to a cardboard bar) and they're packaged like NORMAL multi pack shirts 😩🙏

Then I was like phew everything is out of the steel except the endcap which I'll do tomorrow... what the fuck is that

Homicidal ForkliftDriver asked me if I wanted these new multi pack leggings. At 7:55am. (: no.

Like son of a BITCH. That means I have ANOTHER fucking item to find room for (on top of the old tshirts I forgot ab when I was moving shit and didnt leave room for so I threw them in a box sgdgdgdgdggdgd) and with my luck like 6 new items bc we were so fucking behind and now everything is coming in at once! AUGH

And ofc the girl who usually recovers my area is either on vacation, quit, or just got equally overwhelmed with my area and bailed like everyone else, bc it was a goddamn mess. I haven't been able to stock the NikeShitë area in daaays let alone recover it and no one else will even try 😭 and it's getting worse by the day and I'm so overwhelmed like I want to cry

I know I'm the one putting this pressure on myself but I take pride in my job and it looks like I cant do my job and not that I need help bc I only work 20hrs a week and I'm the only one doing this area and that I'm getting overwhelmed with pallets and clearance but god I feel like pingu :( *sad noot noots*

#marquilla #it's like i know i can just leave the new shit in the steel until im caught up but i know that i cant bc if i do that then for sure the next #day ill get more in and then ill feel like i wasted my time by not taking care of it first and AUGH #when i do my new endcap ill need to find space for two shitty stacking items and i know the Chamagedon shit is coming down the pike soon bc #thats the alternate endcap and im like ohhh im gonna die die...#it's giving me suicidal ideation #and theres inventory in April and im on vacation the last week of march and idk WHEN we're going to do inventory and im like well i cant #cancel my time off bc i need it for more reasons than one but like i cant trust anyone to actually do my job for me and it's like just so #overwhelming to think ab and taking it day by day isnt helping when im fighting to get to the end of the day every day yknow????#work talk

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justasimplesinner · 1 year

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Hi! Im sorry to ask this since it says your requests are closed. But i was wondering (for later or whenever they open) if u would be comfterable with writing a bruce wayne (battinson) x reader who has pots? I know its specific, so idk if it qualifys as an x reader. But i always see batman x superhero!reader and it makes me feel kinda left out xD

Basically pots is a heart condition that evelates heart rate at really menial tasks. Like if i go up stairs or clean the house itll be at 160, so im worn out a lot, and i get tired super easily. So superhero life aint for me xD

If ur not comfterable tho, could i just request bruce wayne x civillian!reader?

Srry, that was long XD

okay hun, so, i don't really write for bruce wayne, but i'll make this one exception for you since i'm pretty sure there aren't many works out there for such a specific audience. i can't promise you that it's gonna be good, since i'm not really into our boy bruce but i'll try and hope you'll enjoy it!

Battinson!Bruce Wayne with a s/o who has pots hcs:

okay so this fucking guy is not the best out there when it comes to feelings, let's start with that. you must've become very dear to him if he even let you close enough to himself to love you. but once he loves, he loves unconditionally

he's very understanding when it comes to your struggle with such a disease. becomes protective to the point of sometimes being overbearing. if he could, he wouldn't let you do anything so that your heart could rest, and it'll take a while for him to fully understand that you're not unable to live on your own and that he can't treat you like you are. this may result in a fight but you just have to explain to him that making you feel like you're indisposed is not going to make you feel better

will insist on providing you with the best healthcare avaliable and always has your personal doctor on speed dial

you're probably the only one that can make him go out in the sun. he will cave in and walk with you around the manor gardens if you only ask. and if there are any activities that help with your condition, he's down to do them with you. he doesn't ever want you to feel like you're alone in this

you're on great terms with Alfred and you two diss the living shit out of Bruce together. that butler's been keeping you company ever since you've moved into the manor and has helped you out more than once whenver things got too overbearing

Alfred is also big help whenever Bruce goes out on his nightly escapades, that shit would be stressful to everyone, and with your heart condition? sometimes it becomes too much

Bruce will try to convince you to leave in the very beginning because he doesn't want to be the cause for your pain or your state getting worse, but you're not so easily swayed. he hasn't told you this, but he admires your pure determination. you make him believe in love, that he can be loved, that he deserves to

in the end, you're the thing that reminds him what he's really fighting for. you showed him it's not about fighting for the pain that's been caused, it's about fighting for the people

#my writing #this might just suck #some fluff #some angst #hope its at least okay #i have no clue about heart diseases #and i dont write for bruce wayne #so yeah i just did my best #headcannons #bruce wayne #the batman 2022 #the batman (2022)#PSA: THIS IS THE FIRST AND LAST TIME I WRITE FOR BRUCE WAYNE #just want everyone to know this was a one-time thing #because this anonymous is special and deserved it

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catboyklug · 2 years

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Let's fight an epic battle!

Summary: Remy meets an otherworldly catboy...

Characters: Remy Ratatong (they/he), Ar Tate (made by @autisticartate)

notes: yay

"...Eh?"

"YOU HEARD ME RIGHT! Let's Tetris, right here, right now!"

"...Sir, I'm trying to w-work..."

For most of the denizens of the small village known as Primp, this would be a regular occurrence - for one Remy Ratatong, however, this was completely out of the ordinary.

A fairly tall man with what appeared to be cat ears stood over Remy, trying and mostly failing to appear intimidating.

Key word "mostly".

"If you could just get out of the way, I need to get back to the supply closet...?" He suggested quietly.

"And why should I?!" The strange man demanded, "I've been utterly dying to compete with someone, and you're the most eligible person I've found yet, so... battle me!"

...This guy talks like Schezo, but even more dramatic.

"Sir, please, itll only take a sec," Remy said, "A-after, I'll battle with you.."

"My name is Ar, not SIR!" The now identified "Ar" yelled angrily, "How about you battle me first, then you get to search your so-called 'supply closet'?"

"My 'so-called'..." Remy said in pure disbelief, "...Okay. If it'll make you leave me al-alone."

"Glad you've finally seen sense! Now, to battle!" Ar exclaimed, "Tetris..."

"Puyo-puyoo~" Remy responded lazily, beginning the battle.

And thus, the epic battle of two pro players began!

...Well, not quite epic.

Similarly to Remy's very first Puyo battle, he hardly tried to do much at all, just keeping the puyos from stacking too close to the top as he got several five- and six-chains.

Ar, on the other hand...

"Ack! Owch!"

"This must be the end for me..."

"You're hopeless! You're pathe-"

"ACK-"

After several minutes of this "Ar" desperately attempting to survive Remy's attacks, the overly kind Ratatong decided to tone it down a notch.

But even with Remy not completing any chains except for the odd one-chain to keep him in the game, his opponent wasn't faring well at all.

About twelve minutes into the battle, Remy checked Ar's board, deciding to simply watch him play.

Ar wasn't doing any hard drops. He wasn't even pushing his pieces to go down faster.

Most impressively of all, it appeared that Ar wasn't holding a single piece.

"Are you going easy on me?" Remy asked, curious. This guy didn't seem like the type to do such a thing, but...

"Going easy- I'm putting all I have into this battle!" Ar retorted.

"Ah, well, you aren't harddropping, or doing any t-spins, or anything special at all, so I just thought-"

"WELL you thought wrong! I simply use...alternative tactics in my battles!"

"Alternative... B-but, do you even know how to harddrop at all? It's a really important, uhm, technique." Remy said, now feeling incredibly awkward.

Ar scoffed. "'Hard drops' mean nothing to me! My techniques are clearly far beyond your level if you think that simply being 'fast' and 'efficient' is what it takes to be good at Tetris!"

"But..."

Suddenly, the two heard a noise neither of them were expecting - the noise of too many Puyos causing Remy's board to break.

"O-oh, well..." Remy said, falling to the ground in his signature 'loser pose'.

"I won?" Ar said, clearly in shock before shaking his head and recomposing himself, "OF COURSE I won! I'm the greatest Tetris player in the multiverse! Nobody can stand in my way!"

"R-right, okay, now that that's over with... I really need to get back to work," Remy sighed, "My boss won't fire me, but I don't want to leave everyone to do my work..."

Remy began the short walk to the supply closet... and Ar followed him.

"You're the first person I've battled in quite some time. Clearly, this means we were meant to be together!" He announced.

"...'Scuse me?" Remy said blankly.

"You heard me! Your sudden presence must be a good omen... Obviously you shall be the one to bring me to my goal!"

"If your goal's also the supply closet, then sure, otherwise I can't help you." Remy said, then began completely ignoring Ar.

"My goal is far beyond that - it's to the stars! The SS Tetra... I must find it, battle Tee, and reclaim my rightful place as Tetris King!" Ar began ranting, "Of course, you shall be assisting me, as you're clearly almost as powerful as I am! Now, my plan is this..."

And so he continued, all throughout Remy's time at work, until Remy went home and locked Ar out in the rain like the sopping wet flea-covered stray cat he was.

the end

#puyo puyo #remy ratatong [oc]#ar tate #remy has clearly been spending too much time around sig /j #fanfiction #klug's writings

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paleanchorlove · 1 year

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It's a crowded room. They are blasting music you don't like. You borrowed red earphones from a girl who didn't seem that happy to lend you hers- because you broke yours. You didn't have a choice.

Shouldn't I be proud? A new city with noone you've ever known before. I cried hours for a toothache and when they asked you to point to where it hurts , it was not just my tooth. A failing relationship. I send applications for a biology degree but what I really sent out applications for was a time machine to go 2 years back. you refuse to admit that you can't ever go back. That place doesn't exist anymore. And then suddenly you are in a crowded room full of men who doesn't speak the same language as you do. Why do they all laugh at the same time? Am I wrong for doing this? The girls are nothing like girls from back home. I get anxious that there's two hours left and I'm not studying. It takes everything in me to get up in the morning. I leave a room full of laughter because I wanted to study. It's not the first time I wanted to leave a room having fun to study. It's not the first time I'm sad in a room full of people who have exam results. I want to leave. I want to leave. I want to leave. Take me to my fairy lights so I can rest. Please.

Of course they are okay. How do some people stay okay even when they fail? I feel my grades like snake poison in my veins. 'Atleast you didn't fail'. Nooo don't you see? I have failed. I remember not so sweet times from ALs where I put my head down and pretended to sleep and cried. Its happened before and itll happen before. I wish I got grades to match how much I like to work. It's a relationship where you give but you don't get. Why do I feel like that's all there is to my life? To give but never get. I text her like a last test tossed at her like a dice. Please text me back please take care of me this time please I'm not okay please tell me at least this gives me something back please tell it's not just empty effort please please please . The dice falls beneath my feet . It's not a dice. It's a cube with the same answer written on all sides. You don't matter as much as I do. Why do I always think it's a dice? How many times have I thrown this at her crying? swearing that it's the last time. I don't. I really don't matter. I really am alone in the world.

I really am alone.

'It's not a bad thing to be alone in the world darling , I'll always take care of you , you know that. The world isn't going to end because you have one bad grade' The voice . Behind screaming and hits. Behind locked bathroom doors. Behind every single time I've cried. Ofc she hates the voice. 'What do you mean you are sad that she didn't reply? do you think she would comfort you even if she had? All this time , you know her like the back of your hand and she knows you like a distant star. ' I hadn't texted to feel comforted , I had just wanted to know if she'd consider the possibility that I might need her. How do I feel so unloved when somebody says there's no life to them outside of me. How do I feel so alone even when they spend so many time with me. Why does my body immediately stiffen up and my heart starts racing and my breath gets shallow when I think of them . I held on to the bathroom wall to steady myself because I thought of them being in the same room. How do I tell her she's no different to my mother. How do I not mask? I can't be not okay . I can't ever be not okay.

I was alone and it was okay. I was there for myself. I had being sitting on my bed when I realized that I hadn't mattered to anyone. It was calm. As it was a technical issue. The solution was to push them all away. So I held my mom's hand while she drove and told her that I was hyper because I wanted to talk to her. I love you so much . I don't want to tell you things anymore.

I don't want to fight so much just to tell you the same thing over and over again. I lose against the same thing every single time. I can't matter more than your life . It's not that important. Just to throw a broken dice over and over again. It's emancipating. It's a bird out of the cage. It's a farewell party in disguise before the host disappeares . It's not a lie that I repeat to feel okay. I am on my own and it was okay.

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elegantcode · 2 months

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everything in my life genuinely fucking sucks to the point where it feels like its not even worth trying anymore. i am constantly living in a state of spiral and stress and depression and anxiety. the world is falling apart. i am not well. i can't escape anywhere because my brain won't allow me to make it work anymore.

the safe spaces i've curated over the years are deteriorating before my very eyes. fandom sucks now and is all people accusing each other of this ism or that ism or getting angry that someone ships something different than you. i can barely write anymore, i can't rp like i used to. all my friends are probably going through the same thing because they don't write either while constantly telling me that they want to

i try to explain myself all the time to everyone and it feels like im just yelling inside of a soundproof see-through case. they can see im upset and that i'm distraught and not doing well, but they're not actually listening to the words i'm saying because i've repeated them over and over again and they never acknowledge it

i can't eat the food i want to eat because itll make me sick. i'm afraid of eating new things, and eating the fruits and vegetables that will help me be healthy. i take a breath wrong and i'm falling into a miserable anxiety attack that lasts for weeks on end and sometimes builds up to massive panic attacks. my entire body hurts and aches in ways it never did before and i'm constantly afraid i'm actually dying or that i'll die before i truly am able to leave this hellhole and heal from all the mental damage that's been caused to me through years and years of emotional and physical abuse

i can't take medication, i can't self medicate. i don't have money

i'm overstimulated constantly and trying to find the joy in anything lately is just has no fucking point. whats the point of trying to play a video game if it just overheats my room and my grandpa turns on the heat and screams at me

whats the point of trying to write, if i can't actually write with people or if people won't care about what i write? whats the point of reading or watching tv or movies if everytime i try to talk about it and be excited about something no one listens to me or dismisses me or just straight up ignores what im talking about

i feel fucking invisible and alone and im so tired of being depressed and anxious because its like theres no end in sight and its only going to get worse from here

i've spent every single night of the last week sobbing myself to sleep and just waiting for the next day and hoping itll be better but it never is

its always fucking worse

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crazylil-lion · 1 year

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My concerts are coming up and I'm not really excited.

Yeah itll be great seeing so many bands but i dont really care. After may I'll have nothing else to keep pushing for I kept myself alive because I already ordered the tickets and spent the 3k.

I try to find events I could go to so I can survive but really it isn't working anymore.

I see so many people younger than me in relationships. Family thats had relationships since highschool still together 13 years later.

While I can't have someone interested enough to go out on a date. I'm not pretty like them. Im not this masc guy.

I'm just tired of never being enough to get anything. I have 1 person that talks to me once or twice a day. A hello. And a how are you. Thats it.

I'm tired of trying and I'm just collapsing in on myself. Its coming to the point of no return.

I realize no one cares and I'm alone but my dreams of being loved fucking kill me. I'm too soft and romantic.

Posting doesn't lift it off my chest bc really it doesn't matter. I'm so fucking close to slitting my throat everyday just to escape the pain. I'm really tired and I can't do this. I've moved up my plans. I hope everyone can forgive me I never wanted things to end like this. I've always dreamed and fought as hard as I could.

But at the end of the day. I'm just an ugly unlovable person. The same I've always been. So whats the point in living a life with nothing.

I think I'll just leave one note to my siblings. I pray they will survive and find their own happiness and not end up like me. They deserve better than I do.

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pleaseletmybrainshutdown · 1 year

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Well I am only here and will only probably be here when I cant shut my brain down. Man, this thing just wont shut up! Sputtering useless and random shits and never ending replays of anxiety filled moments in my life 🫠.

I'll try to write down what this shit pulls out its back and eventually tire it so I can sleep. I tried journaling but that thing takes a toll on my emotions. In here, I can be as random as my thoughts and be as sloppy as my embarrassing moments 😬. Anyway, Im going on a beach trip tomorrow, Im excited but at the same time I dont want to go because Indont want to leave my cat alone here in the house. Though he wont be totally alone, there are people who will take care of him but Im afraid he will be lonely being stuck inside our room for several days and he'll have no one to play with in the wee hours of the night.

Yow, I can feel my brain wanting to shut down right now but Im afraid when I stop writing and put my phone down itll reset and regain energy and I'll be back to square one. But I'll have to try, I really need to sleep

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searchingformylostpan · 2 years

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I don't miss any of them, i dont even miss being high, i just miss not being constantly alone. I miss having someone to talk to, i miss having someone to share my loneliness with, i miss you. This is so fucking difficult i need to stop hating myself for not being successful all the times i tried with you, but thats a lot to ask of me when i feel this low currently. What do i have to do to prove to you its over? I'll never be cured, I'll forever be only arms length from the bottom of the pit I'm crawling out of and that terrifies me. Is there even a chance that you would want me back? Im nothing now. Im a mess trying to reassemble myself to look something like a functional human but on the inside i couldn't be and less functional than i am now while still breathing. If this is what its going to be like from now on, i don't want to be a part of that world. If my world will never have you in it again, then it's not one i want to keep living in. Multiple times a day i catch myself daydreaming about a relapse, not for the high, but for the fact that i could "accidentally" use too much and i could peacefully slip away and never have to see another day without you. The last text you sent me sounded angry, like you were upset that i couldn't stick it out in treatment since that would be my only way back to you. I hope you can see that i think this is the right way for me. I really do feel like i will have more success this route over being locked away somewhere i don't want to be for a month, counting down the days until i can leave and not have anything to be back to only to let it all slip away right after getting out. This way i am reshaping my life as i progress with my sobriety, I'm figuring myself out while I'm figuring my life out. I just wish i had you by my side to help me celebrate the wins and to help soothe the struggles. Not having you with me is destroying me and I'm afraid that itll be my downfall, over and over again. If i could figure out how to let you go how to move on, how to want to live in a world without you, i probably wouldn't want to give up all day every day. But i think i need to accept thats never going to happen. I gave you my heart, it's yours forever. Without you I'm missing a piece of me and until the day that i hope comes where o get to hold you tight as mine again, ill live with this empty pit inside me reminding me of how whole i felt around you, and now of how incomplete i feel without you. What's the point where you decide I'm better? Is that a possibility? Or will i be living with this emptiness until i can't hang on any longer?

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