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hopeswriting · 11 months

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part 1 part 3

The look in Tsuna’s eyes has changed, and it makes Nana want to cry.

It’s not a bad change. It’s not one that makes him unhappy or that makes it hard to look in his eyes. If anything Tsuna’s gained confidence, standing straighter, speaking louder and looking people in the eye longer. It seems he’s trying to keep it subtle and unnoticeable, but even if he wasn’t, she wouldn’t be surprised if Iemitsu and her were still the only ones to see the change in him plain as day.

Not when it’s only ever been him and her in the mansion against the rest of them ever since he was born.

It’s only ever been him, her and Iemitsu too against the rest of them when he finds the time to stand by their sides, when having been Vongola first and for much longer before becoming her husband and Tsuna’s father allow him to. Nana noticed the change in Tsuna first, and she doesn’t know if it’s right of her to wish it’d unsettle Iemitsu the same way it unsettles her.

The look in Tsuna’s eyes has changed, and it makes Nana ashamed and guilty.

When did it change?

She can’t tell. One day he was her little Tsu-kun the same as she’s always known him to be, and the next she was looking in his eyes and feeling like she was seeing them for the first time in her life.

Why did it change?

She can guess. It’s only ever been him and her in the mansion against the rest of them ever since he was born, but it seems Nana has been failing to meet him halfway, forcing him to look into himself to become his own strength and support.

Tsuna shouldn’t even feel like it’s only the two of them against the rest of them. Not when he’s been born in this world, not when it’s the only world he’s ever known, unlike her who married in it, who loved her way in it. They spend time in Namimori whenever they can, only being Nana, Iemitsu and Tsuna, only being the Sawada family, but surely it can’t have that much weight compared to the life he’s known the most all his life, can it?

But maybe it has, because Tsuna has always taken from her the most rather than from Iemitsu. Iemitsu has always happily and lovingly agreed to that, loves to remind her of that fact whenever he can, and she never considered the thought that fact might one day feel bittersweet to know.

Nana frustratingly wipes the slow tears dripping down her cheeks. She’s alone in her room, too big and luxurious. No doubt something most people would dream of, but it’s never been a dream of hers, has never been a part of what her ideal life looks like. She sits in the armchair, keeping her eyes away from the too large bed she doesn’t get to share at night as often as she’d want to.

She retreats in her room at times when she feels too painfully just how much ill-fitted she still is for the mafia world, even after all these years. She’s learned to put up a perfect front, to be the trustworthy and reliable wife of a high-ranked and powerful mafioso. She’s learned when to smile and when not to, when to demand respect and when to let it slide, when to be accommodating and when to exert her higher influence and status to make them accommodate her, but it’s still just that, a front. It’s still not who she is, nor the way she wants to be a trustworthy and reliable wife to her husband when it comes to his job.

Today it stings especially deep that Iemitsu wasn’t able to make it to dinner even though he said he should be able to, and she couldn’t even bear to finish dinner with Tsuna first before retreating in her room. Not when the look in his eyes has changed.

It’s not a bad change, and she’s even proud of him for it, she is. Tsuna’s growing up, of course he’s growing up. It’s not something any parents can stop their children from doing however much they wish they could, but he isn’t supposed to grow up that fast. Shouldn’t be forced to, shouldn’t feel the need to.

He shouldn’t be growing up so fast not even herself noticed when it happened, shouldn’t have had to do it alone, and it makes her want to cry, makes her heart clench.

She’s learned to be a mafioso’s wife, but she seems to have forgotten to also be a mother at the same time.

She believed she could be both when she decided to become part of Iemitsu’s world instead of going her separate way from him, resolved she would be both. Both Iemitsu’s wife and the wife of a mafioso, as well as Tsuna’s mother, and not just the mother of the son of a mafioso, but here she is anyway.

Here they both are now.

Tears keep trickling down her face, and she doesn’t care to wipe them away anymore. She doesn’t have anyone to wipe them away for her either, doesn’t have anyone to trust the secret of their existence with. Not anyone who’d understand them anyway.

Never mind that she was a civilian most of her life before becoming mafia, because it’s not as if all mafiosi want their children to follow in their footsteps or don’t wish they could get them out of it too. Mafiosi of lower status or of no status at all gaining a higher status through marriage is a common practice too, and similar enough to her situation to allow understanding.

But Nana chose to marry in this world, chose to love her way in it when she was completely free from it and could have remained so. Iemitsu and her both resolved to do everything they could to have the best of both worlds, and she can’t think of anyone who’d understand she truly believed they could achieve it if they just tried hard enough, because she’s the one who was a civilian most of her life.

She can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t laugh at her face or wouldn’t look at her with disdain and contempt should she confide her tears in them.

Of course Iemitsu’s split between his family and theirs, and has to choose his family so to keep theirs safe, if for no other reason. Of course he can’t make it back to them as often and for as long as she’d want him to, and one day might never come back to them at all, leaving her without a husband and Tsuna without a father.

Of course Tsuna will grow up to become mafia too, and she wants to raise him to be a mafioso if she cares about him surviving the mafia and living in it for as long as possible. It’s the world she gave birth to him in, and the life she gave birth to him to.

But now she wants to blame them and their world for it when she chose to become one of them too? When she chose to make their world hers too?

They’d be right about everything, but Iemitsu swore.

Nana loves him, of course she does. He’s the love of her life, she knows it deep in her bones without a shadow of a doubt. When he told her the truth about just what his job was and she wondered just how many other things he might have lied to her about, she’s still never doubted his love for her, nor a second of him loving her.

Ultimately it’s what made her stay, but Nana has always wanted children more than anything else in the world. She’s always wanted to love them and see them grow up and live long, safe and happy lives. If not for Iemitsu swearing to her their children would be able to choose, wouldn’t be forced in anything, that he’d see to it they wouldn’t be no matter what, she swears she would have made another choice because she loves Tsuna more than anything else in the world, she does.

Iemitsu swore.

He lied.

He didn’t mean to, is still trying not to, but here they all are now.

Because Tsuna is an heir to Vongola too, even if he’s only the spare, their very last option should it ever come to that, which is the only reason why they live in the Vongola mansion despite how it politically poorly reflects on CEDEF when it comes to its independence from Vongola.

Anger burns alive in Nana’s chest at the sight of her too big and luxurious room.

It always burns alive too whenever everyone acts as if they’re entitled to see Tsuna as only the spare heir, one they don’t want and don’t think anything of at best, and so they feel all the more entitled to disregard him completely until they’ll have a need of him, if such a day should ever happen. As if they wouldn’t throw themselves at his feet and beg him to save Vongola from meeting its end should such a day happen.

Nana hates the sight of it, yet doesn’t allow herself to hold onto her anger, has no right to. Iemitsu swore, but it’s both their failures that he isn’t able to keep his promise. Because Nana hates even more the way they feel free to only see Tsuna as someone they might one day need but don’t care about in the meantime even in front of her, as if they weren’t talking about her son, but she knows who she has to blame for it.

After all a good mafioso’s wife hasn’t anything to say when people praise her son whenever he shows potential to become a great mafioso, and she shouldn’t want to take his defense when they look down at him for the many ways he’s ill-fitted to become a mafioso, shouldn’t feel happy, proud and relieved at that.

Nana hides her face in her hands, the sobs she’s been holding back stuck in her throat and choking her.

“Mama?”

Nana startles, hastily wiping her eyes dry as she stands. “Ts—Tsuna?” Tsuna’s half in her room, half still hidden behind the door. She smiles. “Did you already finish eating?”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No, of course not,” she says a little too fast, walking to him. “Come on in. You know I always have time for my little Tsu-kun, right?” Tsuna gives her a small smile, fully stepping inside but staying at the door. “Do you need something?”

“Why didn’t Papa eat with us?” Nana freezes. “He said he would too.”

“I’m sure he tried, but sometimes he still can’t because of his work. Because he works hard so he can take care of us.” Tsuna says nothing, his eyes intent on her, and she kneels in front of him, taking his hands in hers. “Because he loves us,” she feels compelled to say by the way he looks at her.

“You don’t like it here.”

Nana’s smile falters, and it feels stiff when she forcefully keeps it on her face anyway. “It’s… a little lonely sometimes. You know how much your mama loves your papa, right?” She laughs, but Tsuna’s lips don’t even twitch. “If I could, I’d spend all my time with the both of you, so sometimes I just miss him, that’s all.”

“You were crying.”

Nana smiles wider. “I just miss him a lot today. But I’m okay, so you don’t have to worry.”

Tsuna looks down, his shoulders dropping. “But I like Namimori better too.”

“Your dad loves us,” Nana says again, squeezing his hands, and she doesn’t know for whom she says it. “That’s why he wanted us to live together here, so he could still be with us and still keep working at the same time. You know that, right?”

“But I love you too. So I’d let you go so you can be happy too.”

Nana stops smiling, and she can’t make herself smile again even when Tsuna shyly catches her eye again from under his eyelashes. She wants to squeeze his hands even tighter, but she doesn’t want to hurt him. “Tsu-kun, you… there’s something you decided you want to do, isn’t it? Is it anything Mama can help you with?”

“I’m okay,” he says first, because of course, she’s been his mother just as long as he’s been her son, and the smile ghosting her lips is genuine. “I just want to make friends. I… feel lonely too. And…” he looks her straight in the eye, squeezing her hands back, and the new look in his eyes is the most obvious she’s seen it yet “… I want my people. I want a family too.”

Nana’s heart clenches, clenches, clenches.

Iemitsu and her failed him both, and so he had to look in himself to find the strength and resolve to be the one to give himself the choice. Maybe to even make it should it come to that.

He’s not saying Iemitsu and her aren’t his family. To him there’s always been family and family ever since he was born, and if he doesn’t want to become Vongola’s family but Vongola still won’t let go of him in case they end up having a need for him, then he’ll just have to carve a place of his own within it so he can call it home and family too.

“I love you too,” Tsuna says again. “Can it be enough?”

Can he be enough?

Can she stand by him even if it might mean she’ll have to stand against Iemitsu at times? Even if it might mean she’ll have to help him go against family at times?

Nana slaps her hand against her mouth, tears spilling out of her eyes before she has any chance to stop them, Tsuna’s hopeful and uncertain voice breaking her heart.

In the next second she holds him tight against her, burying her face in his hair. “Of course it’s enough. Oh, Tsu-kun, I’m so sorry. You’re everything I’ll ever need. Of course, of course, always.”

Tsuna says nothing, but holds her tight too, and when his body shakes and she feels her shirt growing wet, she cries harder.

Her baby boy, her little Tsu-kun, and that she made him lose faith in the fact she loves him for exactly who he is, she thinks him good enough and perfect just the way he is, and that she’d never change anything to him and will always love him no matter what is crushing.

When has he started thinking even her might wish he was better at being who he is? When has he started losing faith in her love for him?

She can’t tell.

How can she not be able to tell?

But Tsuna still wants her to be his mother, is willing to give her the chance to make up for her failures as his mother up until now, and she won’t let him down, not ever again.

And Nana loves Iemitsu too, she does. He’s the love of her life. It hurts to know Tsuna won’t ask the same of Iemitsu, especially when it’s love that’d make Iemitsu not want to let go of him either, and she can only hope he’ll do so somewhere down the line sooner than later, but it’s still an easy choice to do. It’s not even a choice at all, and when—when, hopefully—Tsuna will ask the same of him, she can only hope his answer will come to him as naturally as breathing too.

She’ll stand by Tsuna and will always choose him over anything and everyone else in the world, of course she will.

Nana can’t tell how much time has passed when they finally pull back from each other. She helps Tsuna dries his tears, and he laughs as she does, making her laugh too, both of them smiling bright and wide.

She cradles his face between his hands, leaning his forehead against his. “You’re perfect just the way you are, Tsuna. There’s nothing about you you need to change, and Mama promise to always love you no matter what, all right?”

He marks a pause, looking into her eyes, but then smiles, tears gleaming in his eyes again. “Okay. I love you too.”

“Did you finish eating?”

He shakes his head. “I wasn’t hungry anymore after you left.”

“Then will you go tell Madi we’re sorry, but we’d be grateful if she could prepare us something warm again? I’ll be right behind you.”

Tsuna beams, and she smiles wider at him. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

He cheers, throwing himself in her arms for a quick hug before running out of her room. She laughs, standing up, and finds a mirror to make sure she’s presentable again before leaving her room too.

She doesn’t look like much with her wet cheeks, red eyes and disheveled hair. Then again, she’s never looked like much in any of their eyes, has she? Even after she met their standards of what they expected the wife of Vongola’s CEDEF’s boss to be. Of how they expected her to be.

She supposes she was a civilian too long for them to not keep seeing her as a civilian before anything else, and one too clueless to ever realize just the full extent of the influence and power her status holds. The authority her status holds too, as long as she makes use of her influence and power right. Especially when she’s only been doing the strict minimum in being mafia, and her personality being what it is likely works against her too.

Good. Let them keep thinking that way, as it’s all things she’ll make work for her now. Things she’ll make work for Tsuna.

Nana learned how to be a good mafioso’s wife. She can start from scratch again and learn how to be Tsuna’s mother too.

And if it’ll help her be a better mother to him, if it’ll help her help him be happy in the world she gave birth to him in and in the life she gave birth to him to, she can also learn to be the wife of Vongola’s CEDEF’s boss and the mother of one of Vongola’s heirs.

She will.

#katekyo hitman reborn #khr #khr fanfic #sawada nana #sawada tsunayoshi #wip khr #brt (aswoi) wip #hope's writing #mine #cannot believe a part 2 saw the light of day THIS ISNT WHAT IM MEANT TO BE WRITING RIGHT NOW 😭😭😭😭#anyway. we like nana in this house just to be clear #we acknowledge she could have been a better mother to tsuna and the way and times she /wasn't/ hurt tsuna deeply in a way he'll carry all #his life #but we also acknowledge she never meant to and has alwas loved him and taken care of him to the best of her abilities #and that she was a good mother to him most of the time and that most of what makes tsuna tsuna comes from her too #so jot that down <3 #also i'm aware in this verse tsuna & iemitsu relationship would be... better and closer than it is in canon #while at the same time not necessarily because this tsuna is still canon tsuna at his core #and i'm trying to not be biased and strike the right balance between the two but i'm not sure how much it's working lol #and actually it's funny how hard it is for me to not be biased against iemitsu?#like i'm TRYING to unlearn that bias but #why is it tsuna's daddy issues hit so close to home? does it mean something?#i'm sure it doesn't <3

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