#it helps me say these thoughts clearly
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The character we are analyzing and expressing sympathy for, the one that was truly a subject of detestable circumstances and Shinra’s cruelty and control, the character with tragedy written into his very conception, and that deserved a much better life…does not exist within the Sephiroth that left the library and burned Nibelheim.
He died during those seven days and while the writers may have included nods to the tragedy of that loss…
“FFVII Rebirth Director Hamaguchi says that, in FFVII Rebirth, when Sephiroth burns Nibelheim to the ground, there is a slightly lonely look on his face as he breaks into a grin. So, he's looking forward to how people will react to these more human aspects of Sephiroth.”
…while they may hint at his deeper grief, it is still truth that what drowns any of his sadness out is violent anger and hatred. The dark feelings that drive him to be cruel, sadistic, and merciless towards the innocent. Who Sephiroth once was is gone…and we can say how tragic that is and we do, but this never means we are standing behind him or supporting who he is now.
This reborn Sephiroth is a walking dead shell with nothing but his old soul’s rage and madness left. He is just the villain with evil motives now. Very few think he is in the right without being ironic.
I say all of this to make it clear that people ought not to be attacked for studying and sympathizing with his old self.
#there i said what i wanted to say#i have a friend editing my posts for english now and i am very thankful#it helps me say these thoughts clearly#i have only seen one “sephiroth apologist” that was being serious#everyone else was joking or else people mistook sane seph posters for “apologists”#this is all so silly#sephiroth#ff7#final fantasy 7#ffvii#ff7 rebirth#final fantasy vii#rebirth spoilers
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I'm playing through Dragon Age 2 again and I just can't get over how... idk how to say it exactly, but the way you feel, in every moment of this game, how much Varric loves Hawke. It feels entwined with everything, it breathes through every part of the narrative, it blooms diegetigally through the integration of story and gameplay, makes you a co-conspirator in that love in a way maybe only a video game could.
It's in the way I don't think this story is a defense of Hawke only -- or even primarily -- directed at Cassandra, but at Hawke themselves. Beneath everything else going on there's the quiet, utterly unshakable refutation of Hawke's worst fears: Did you think you mattered, Hawke? Did you think anything you ever did mattered? . . . You're a failure, and your family died knowing it. Rising through the story as Varric tells it there's a fiercely tender voice saying: Yes, you did matter. In tragedy or in triumph, for better or for worse, in love or in hate, you always mattered. The ultimate tragedy of Hawke is always right there in the open before the story even starts letting you in on telling it; they couldn't fix anything. They couldn't stop the downward spiral Kirkwall was set on -- the real truth is that no one person ever could. And yet the point of DA2 is that it matters that they tried, and it matters that there were people who loved and were loved along the way, however badly it all failed in the end. Hawke is the Bioware protagonist who succeeds the least, and they're the character who matters the most, to me. (This is also why the Absolution reveal did not shake me in the least haha, my love for Hawke has nothing at all to do with whether they succeeded or failed at anything.)
What Varric is saying, in the only way he seems to be able to say the really real things -- through stories -- is so simple and so fundamental. You were here, and I loved you. There's the emotional heart of it, at the end of it all, that love and grief and recognition. It's so dizzyingly intimate. There's so much distancing, layers upon layers of obfuscation, to be able to say it. It drives me insane!!!! It makes me feel the same way that 'Poem' by Langston Hughes does:
I loved my friend.
He went away from me.
There's nothing more to say.
The poem ends,
Soft as it began,—
I loved my friend.
He loved his friend. They went away from him. What more is there to say. (Many, many, many things, when you're a compulsive liar and storyteller, but hey sometimes you have to deploy a whole armada of lies to tell one simple truth, I understand, I'm a writer too lol)
#dragon age#varric tethras#dragon age 2#dragon age meta#hawke#on second thought let's not go to kirkwall; it is a silly place#when merrill says she just says 'I love Hawke' to herself because it's the only thing in the world that makes sense sometimes...#varric clearly Felt That lol#how can I have played this game so many times and still have such intense feelings about this. help. the unreliable narrator got to me ok#dragon age absolution spoilers#it's real vague but let's be safe. anyway meredith can come back idc. the dragon from the bone pit could come back.#Hawke could keep falling on his face forever and I'll still be out here like 'You're doing amazing sweetie don't worry ;____;' the whole wa
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jasico server was chatting about the cupid scene and jason getting nico's memories blasted straight into his brain and how jason being shot with one of cupid's arrows while with nico and this was just never brought up in canon again and now i'm thinking like...what if that's just how cupid's arrows work? not by magically manifesting love for someone out of nothing, but by giving someone the perspective that'd make them fall in love naturally? jason gets a front row seat to nico's memories and instantly understands him intimately and can trust him completely without any doubt or suspicion
so what if jason, after slowly realizing he's totally in love with nico, just thought back to the arrow incident and it made him second-guess everything? because maybe he's only feeling this way because cupid hit him with an arrow with only nico was around and it's no different than any other god messing with his love life
#i live for anything that drags out the pining/pre-relationship period as long as possible okay#give me the drama of jason frustrated about constantly being manipulated by gods#in love with nico but convinced it's just cupid fucking with him and not wanting nico to get dragged into it#maybe telling nico eventually because he's having trouble hiding his feelings and he doesn't wanna hurt nico by confusing him#which is of course an emotional rollercoaster for nico#hearing jason say he's in love with him only to then immediately hear that it's just godly fuckery#nico agreeing to help jason find cupid to get it reversed because he knows how much it sucks having feelings for someone unwillingly#and he doesn't want jason stuck mooning over someone like him just because he was unkucky enough to be with nico for the cupid incident#whole quest in which nico develops feelings in return and angsts because he's sure jason only feels that way because of the arrow#maybe a slip-up in the middle somewhere with nico accidentally revealing he likes jason back before backpedaling wildly#so now jason has hope despite himself because he'd never really thought it was possible anyway given nico's feelings for percy#and he doesn't like being manipulated by gods but he doesn't mind the idea of being in love with nico#and what if he just gave up on the hunt for cupid entirely and let it happen#while nico feels guilty since clearly it's just cupid arrow magic fucking with jason and he's enabling it#and then of course when they finally find cupid he explains how his arrows work and that he can't just FORCE someone to be in love#no more than hera could with jason and piper by fucking with their memories to push them together#cupid's methods are just way more effective#my tag babble ended up longer than the actual post oh my god#pjo#jasico#my dumb headcanons
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of fucking course the best, most harrowing, most gut-wrenching tugs character only appeared in one episode (a bit of ramble in the tags)
#this is tugs#tugs boomer#tugs sunshine#boomshine#<---- evil sinister laughter#fortezza bigg city#senjart#I think he's neat. I also think a bottle of antidepressants could help with whatever hes going through#okay I'm gonna talk for a bit about boomer (mostly about his canon counterpart rather than solely his fbc version)#boomer's character struck a deep chord within me that when rewatching jinxed while sleep deprived I got so scared#his depression? thoughts of sinking himself? claiming that he didn't want any help yet attempted to push just a bit longer when supported?#putting his worth on how useful he is as a machine first? an individual with selfism second? thus deeming himself as a lost cause?#and despite his jaded sardonic demeanor he genuinely cares about others and puts their safety before his own?#like mannnnnn come ON no wonder I couldnt stop thinking about him#his struggles as a clinically depressed person is.... so real?#he says ''I don't want any help'' but he clearly does want AND need help. he goes along with TC and sunshine's hijinks of helping him#gradually went from ''whats the point I'm gonna jinx it anyways'' to ''Ive tried so hard I really have but I cannot. I never had a chance''#he even went ''okay but don't toot'' to TC before his final job! he's entertaining TC and sunshine's theory! he really does want help!#boomer's whole character screams “I want to live but I don't know how”#and man oh man I feel like s01e10 reached out of the screen and drove a stake through my heart#because it's so visceral. it's rang true with my personal experiences#it's so sad. it's probably because I'm sleep deprived but I want to take care of that poor orange thing so badly#boomer most likely thought his final job to tow the schooner will end badly as usual but with how he sounds way more upset when he failed-#-and how he even went ''I can't be bothered to argue anymore''. I have a feeling there's a tiny speck of hope inside him-#-that quickly died out the moment lightning struck and he got towed by the fire chief#and of course he's upset. hes tried so many times to find a way to get rid of the jinx but now? it's as if he's given false hope-#-and the thought of the jinx leaving is something akin to a fairytale. as long as he bears the name ''boomer'' and not ''captain harry''-#-he is doomed to this constant cycle of messing things up when its not his own fault and having other point their fingers at him#that is until he got refurbished into a houseboat (essay material for another day)#theyre never going to write another anthro vehicle character like this anymore . sad
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I wanna thank my irl friends who follow me here and also my beloved mutuals as well as followers who still send me kind messages and try to interact with me and my stuff even if I'm bad at doing it myself.
Honestly, things haven't been that great with me lately, so... it means a lot to me. Honestly. <3
#personal#i had to make the tough decision to drop out of school last week#i didn't exactly want it if i'm being completely honest here#but certain stuff was preventing me from getting further so i knew the teachers are gonna ask me to quit over at our teams meeting#i instantly contacted my nurse about my situation. and she got me a doctor's appointment which was yesterday#where i kind of broke down a little. not because she didn't grant me the sick leave i thought i was going to get#after feeling down and sleeping terribly for weeks#but because she actually *got me*. like. she actually listened to me and figured out some stuff and told me that#what i'm going through and what i've been going through for years would make anyone depressed#so i couldn't help but cry a little because yeah. i'm so tired of never being enough no matter how hard i try#because my brain's wired a certain way and it makes me slow and kinda clumsy and inattentive at times#which. you might guess is not ideal at today's work environment. or studying-wise even#so instead of granting me sick leave (she did say we can change that at anytime though) she told me to wait for that phone call#from the unemployment office. which i should be getting tomorrow. or well. later today#and talk to them about this. to see if they can offer some solutions. or if we can figure something out#'cause i'm getting closer to my 40s and not getting anywhere and it's wearing me out and tiring me out#because i clearly can't help myself or change my ways on my own#i managed to get some work last week though. at the local youth house. one shift though but money still#but i haven't been getting those offers a lot during the past few months so it's not enough to support me obviously#so i definitely need something else. and i hope i can get help. that someone could help me#i should finally get tested for adhd next month too. i don't know if i even have it or if it's gonna change anything but#at least i'd know#anyway i needed to get this off my chest. cause i'm kinda crying a little bit even now just thinking about this whole thing#sorry
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Not naming names and definitely not putting this in the main tags but I saw someone say Alaska was their least favorite queen bc "she's not as into it as the others" and I had a violent urge to maim in that moment
#just bc shes not super animated doesn't mean shes not having fun or not participating fully!!#she always helped come up with plans and she was always laughing along and participating in bits#she got emotional several times! you could see her eyes get glassy!#she was clearly putting a lot of thought and effort into princess's physicality and voice work#she wouldnt do that if she wasnt invested!!!!#maybe im being parasocial and making a big deal out of nothing#but ive also had ppl say things like that about me just bc irl im pretty quiet and reserved and idk man#it just sucks!!!#it sucks when ppl think you dont care just bc you emote in a different way#ANYWAY#🐺#dungeons and drag queens
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I have no idea what I’m doing, I downloaded video editing software with no knowledge of how anything works and spat this out in under an hour. Sorry the subtitles don’t look great, sorry it’s not 100% accurate to the Japanese, sorry for the stupid watermark that I only found out would be there AFTER I WENT THROUGH ALL THIS TROUBLE…but whatever, here, I don’t wanna look at this anymore, take it.
#third time's the charm#natsume yuujinchou#natsume's book of friends#text post#thoughts:#had to look up '待望の' was not familiar with that word#(it TLs to 'long-awaited')#also nyanko's va did NOT say his name like that but i have no idea what he said#he was clearly saying what i wrote; that i'm x actor playing x role but he definitely did not say his name lol if anyone is jozu and#wants to let me know that'd be a benkyou ni naru#i've never done this before#here is my service to the fandom#also i made this LAST NIGHT like an hour after the announcement dropped#but it didn't show up in the tags#so at this point this is completely useless#but i was so excited to be the first one to get this out lol#rip in pieces#anyway if at least one natsuyuu fan sees this and it is helpful id be happy#jp stuff
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Went to a support group specifically for FTMs last night and had a good time. Surprised myself by tearing up. That's not a very cis sign, is it
#denial is an oppressive power#i know what i am lol. and still.#i've got a lot of internalized transphobia that i wasn't completely aware i had. not brave enough to air it out in the group#for fear of saying something 'bad'. everyone else seems to have it figured out already. most are on T.#i just don't want the group to sort of influence me in one direction.#< a ha. internalized transphobia. also i don't think i need their help in that department. i'm already mentally there. just blocking myself#a research project i'm doing atm is really bringing these feelings to the front.#how am i 26 and living far away from my parents and i'm STILL like 'i can't disappoint my mommy'#i know the answer. family baggage and high expectations etc. snore.#someone in the group kept telling me 'you don't have to go on T just because everyone else is doing it' and like...........................#idk if i found most of their thoughts to be very helpful. they just kind of liked to talk and were clearly struggling with insecurities.#but i had to fight that urge to be defensive. that is not how i feel and that is not what's even happening.#this person had a problem with putting words into people's mouths. don't do that in a support group lol#but other than that they were fine and everyone was super nice. it helped to talk to an older trans guy.#i'll say it again. if i wasn't fucking 5 foot 2 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!
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"Junho" - an exercise in willow charcoal done 4/22/2024 in about 20 minutes of Lee Junho from 2PM
#this month it will be a FULL decade since i started this blog. but we were just a few short days#of making it 10 years without my kpop obsession leaking onto this sideblog. i thought we'd make it#i thought we'd make it but we didn't#my drawing#junho#2024#2pm#lee junho#charcoal#willow charcoal#drawing exercise#i drew something else today but i'm saving it to post later#and i only wrote one poem today and it was crap. so here's an exercise#i like how most of the drawings i post to this blog are just beautiful men#it's overrepresented in my portfolio admittedly#im not exactly 'proud' of this but i do like posting my exercises now and then bc they are fun to look at#i find examining my rushed/practiced drawings to be a lot more helpful in spotting my own strengths and weaknesses#than finished drawings i put a lot of dedication in#with this one i can say that the nose is off-center and the skull doesn't go all the way around on the left#as much as it should. but since it's clearly not meant to be a fully 'good' drawing it's more forgivable#if i had slaved at this for four hours it would kill me to stare at that inaccuracy#also: this is yet another example of the 'diana likes to draw faces far more than clothes' style of portrait#it's not that i dislike drawing clothes but they are so much less fascinating to me#i could stare at faces forever. whereas fabric doesn't inspire me to craft every detail just so.#and it shouldn't. because fabric is far more forgiving than human anatomy anyway
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iv,
My grandmother Janet is 96 years old. The last time I visited, while drinking the traditional after-dinner gin and tonics, we got to talking about the treasures lying around her house. Somehow we settled on a particular needlepoint hanging on the wall.
She asked: Who made that one, does it say?
And I said: It says "Deedee".
And she laughed: I didn't remember making that one!
My brain wasn't working as fast as my tongue that night— perhaps on account of the gin— and I said: Wait, who is Deedee?
She laughed again, and explained. It was what her parents called her, and the name that she used until she went to high school. All her best friends, everyone who knew her from back in the day, they still call her Deedee.
And then she said to me: You know, Janet is not my real name either. Nobody calls me by my real name, because nobody alive remembers it. And I'm not telling anyone now. It is just for me.
iii,
I was studying abroad in Budapest when I received a facebook message from Rob. A friend, not quite 21, from college back home, saying: I have a secret to tell you, but I do not want anyone else to know. I don't even want to write it here.
I replied, Here is my address. Write it down and mail it to me. I will read it, and then I will burn it; and he agreed.
I left the house, went all the way to the end of the metro, found a convenience store, bought a pack of matches, and sat down in the nearby park.
The three sentences at the start of the letter were: I am transgender. I am a man. My name is not [what we once called him], it is Rob.
This much is no longer a secret, but the three pages that followed are not my stories to tell.
(Have you ever tried to burn a letter? With a match. It is harder than you’d think.)
It is common now for a trans person to refer to their "old" name, the one assigned to them that they no longer use, as their deadname. Rob did not use this language in the letter, probably only because he did not know it yet.
Some of the debris from the letter made it into a trash can. But most blew away into the Hungarian landscape, white flecks scattered in the wind.
ii,
I set my father into the ground in October. He would have been 71.
It was a whirlwind of a weekend, of a week, really. Gatherings every night, friends and family buzzing in the house all day, as if the collective strength of so many silent prayers might summon him, Christ-like, into our midst.
Flying was my dad's first love. I was born near the end of his distinguished career as a fighter pilot in the Air Force. He continued flying, commercially, for as long as I lived under his roof.
A fighter's call sign is what the other fighters call them over the radio when flying together. Pragmatically it is a mask for when enemies intercept communication. But to the squadron, there is nothing secret about this identity; it is more a name than their name is. My dad's call sign is— was— Bear. At the memorial gathering, that was the name that rang long after sundown, that echoed in the still desert air.
Bear was rowdy, gregarious, and virile. Stories about his after-work antics sprang readily to the lips of the guests. Boozy, shirtless memories of he and his fighter friends, boys who aged but never grew up. And then, after the laughs and a moment's pause, they would add sincere praise about Bear the professional. Thoughtful. Whip-smart. Straightforward. Generous. Passionate.
This man they described was familiar enough, but deeply unrecognizable. He bore little resemblance to the temperamental and stern authority of my childhood memories. Even less to the man I knew on equal footing, after several medical emergencies brought an early and unceremonious end to a lifetime in the cockpit.
I would have liked Bear, I think, but I never met him— I knew him too late.
i,
There are many stories to tell of my father, the man-who-was-not-Bear. I never know which one to start with.
I once asked my mom if I could paint my nails red. I don't remember my mother wearing colored nail polish, it must have been a neighbor who I saw, and the idea enchanted me. And yet somehow, there was the bottle, right underneath the phone. It would have been so easy. But mom said no, dad would be furious. And we both knew that was the end of that.
I liked my hair long. My parents did not. They tolerated it, in the way that one tolerates such inconsequential teenage lashings-out. But the frequency of snide remarks would increase in proportion with its length, and roughly every 6 months I would give in.
(When I was older, I discovered that my hair actually would not get much longer than that. After about 9 months, I shed.)
And if I could see you, I would see these stories fall lighter on your brow than on they lay on my psyche. And I would be suddenly tempted to strike cheap, to scowl forty-five and let sympathy roll in. But it’s too… it’s dehumanizing, and it’s not even narratively right— it doesn’t describe the heft of the uncertainty he left me with, any more than a dumbbell thrown at your face conveys the weight of a blanket.
The household I grew up in was reductivist when not mechanistic, and my childhood gave but scant framework to understand the impact of a thousand unremarkable moments. Still, human, I could not divert myself from the creation of my personal mythology, grasping at any explanation for those forces of parental nature. Nor from this private, shameful conclusion: that this love is, perhaps, conditional. Not necessarily. But the threat was there, and I, conflict-shy, colored inside the lines.
Dharys was 29 when my father died. Or maybe he was 2. (...let's not think too hard about that one.) In any case, my father never met Dharys, and for this alone I still grieve. In the dark I wonder if he ever had these feelings about Bear— this bridgeless chasm between us, etched in time. The quiet, tugging sadness that I would never know him as he was.
Perhaps he never could have, I reason, hopefully. Tieflings learn young, after all, how to hide. Perhaps Dharys can only live because not-Bear has died.
Or perhaps he knew me too early.
* * *
A/N: The picture in this post was drawn by @parziivale; I'll be posting about it separately.
#anniversary#reflection#death#names#parents#trans#fiction#pen pals#parziivale#guttertongue#all my love#2022#3y#i struggled mightily coming up with a name for this piece#which is so weird to me considering it is clearly Four Thoughts On Names#An Etude On Names?#(aeon; emphasizing the generational theme?)#i don't know i think the stories say something somewhat complex about names but i don't really want the title to give this away#like i think that in the context of this being a tumblr post it's easy to misread iv and overinterpret iii#and although ii is supposed to dissuade you from this reading i think this misdirection is helpful for i?#and making the title so clearly say 'these are Different Thoughts About Names' kills this opportunity#anyway if you want to talk about it tell me what you would have named it i guess XD XD
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turns out the ocd has been Symptoming for a hot minute and fucking up everything and I Didn't Realize 👍
#🔪.text#and i feel Extremely Stupid about it!!!#literally there was like a giant fucking neon sign saying ''THIS IS BEING CAUSED BY OCD'' and i. was completely oblivious to it#not a fucking clue.#like buddy. dude. yes there is a reason why you are obsessing and ruminating and obsessing and fucking everything up#MAYBE BECAUSE OF YOUR OBSESSING DISORDER.#DUMBASS.#HEAD IN HANDS.#sorry i am feeling very stupid about this LMAO#literally been fucking up relationships and obsessing and thinking i'm an awful fucking person.#no. i just have ocd.#LITERALLY KEY SYMPTOM.#THE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON DISORDER#GOD.#i always say my ocd is extremely mild and i feel like i shouldn't even say i have it but.#that is. clearly Not True!!!!!#anyway. at least i've finally realized#will at least help me to not feel as awful now#nor fuck everything up as much hopefully#because at least now i know it's my ocd being a little asshole#anyway will probably delete this later lmao#i'm just feeling stupid about this ahgnjkmld
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it makes sense that refa had a family with kids and a wife given his status, but making senna a character and having her role be what it is really makes their story tragic as fuck. his family so easily could have never been heard from again after his death, but londo taking senna in out of guilt is so fucking. sad. lol
#and im not gonna be out here woobifying refa of all fucking characters#but i do think he was a good family man. good centauri with a happy home life#and i do think he loved senna#and he died when she was like 15 or something like that so he spent quite some time watching her grow up#she didnt know what he was up to#lords had to do what they had to do#and it makes sense for refa to come home and be good to his family after being shitty to everyone else#hes self serving and the people he decides are worth caring about are going to get His Special Attention#and that includes his little girl#a whole ass teenage girl orphaned is so heart wrenching. a family that loved her.#a nurturing family life is already so rare on centauri prime#like please babylon 5 there was abolutely zero reason to make refa ??? sad ?????????? like dont make me feel upset over him#he doesnt deserve it#but im such a sucker for a weird fucking horrible asshole who has a soft spot for his daughter..#proud of her despite the centauri clearly favoring male children#takes her out in public and raised her to be the strong woman she actually did turn out to be#all for him to die brutally which im not saying he didnt deserve bc he did#but londo rly did do all that bc he thought he killed adira lmfao. no wonder why he took senna in#literally nobody is puttjng this much thought into refa but me. i need to get help
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Events of last night:
Me: *crying*
My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(
Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful
My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.
#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious#thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt#and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd#it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense#but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like#where as me and her obsess much more over morality#like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information#we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people#or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate#like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*)#they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers#theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person.#but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out#but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either#like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are#and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare#sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep.#sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done#sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me?#i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real#i guess what it kinda comes to do is#would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions#all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm#you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of#OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them.#trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world#your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen#theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed#your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for#instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed
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screaming in the club
time for another vent in tags
#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO#i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe#n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th#ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a#utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai#ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell#like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc#then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no#food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it#harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now.#the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats#fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS.#all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY#SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf#the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther#es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much.#i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the#bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and#no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh#it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression#i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat.#im so close to snapping on them at this point#i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT#everything has gone to shit#vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.
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