#is eating me alive sometimes
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A love song on for the radio
Judith Herzberg, “sentimental” / A 70’s teenagers bedroom / Ben Doller, “Radio, Radio” / Queen, “Radio Ga Ga” / Ruslan Sabiroff, Radio / Tom Clark, “Radio” / John Denver, “Take Me Home, Country Roads” / Judith Herzberg, “sentimental”
Bonus: @argumate
#web weaving#words#poetry#art#compilations#web weave#parallels#parallelism#intertextuality#radio#queen#john denver#tom clark#mine#nostalgia#is eating me alive sometimes
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girljamie to go with girlroy ... i'm of two minds when it comes to s3 girljamie , i am both in favor of big chop AND she leaves it long but lightens it still... idk. bangs be upon her either way ig
(more of richmond's women's team can be found here <3)
#my art#jamie tartt#ted lasso#soccer yuri been on my MIND lately. eating me alive.#NEED ted lasso to come out with a spin off for the women's team already.#need soccer yuri or i'll waste away.#also. for da record. i am of the transgender persuasion.#i have a gender studies degree.#i understand the nuance.#i think its fun to cisswaps AND trans aus. everyone take a breath.#that being said. do want to take a crack at butch!roy/transfem!jamie#also i do believe in season 2 jamie undercut also#which is a point in favor of the big chop so she doesn't have to deal with growing it out#but ALSO. i love bottle blonde long ass barbie hair jamie#idk. maybe i'll settle on a design sometime#i think dani or sam is next to receive the yurification beam#zava might be good#if the team was full of lesbians and zava was like. ive literally never looked at another woman besides my wife the whole vibe would be dif#soccer yuri
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All I need right now is to be mounted by a big, hairy man. Feel his rough hands yank me closer by the hips, thrusting messily towards my wet hole but too desperate for my heat to fuck me properly. I have to reach down and help him, try not to sob as he finally pushes all the way inside me and breeds me, fucks me until I can't hold myself up and he's just using my body like the pretty little fucktoy I am.
#nblm ns/fw#mlm ns/fw#nblnb nsft#queer nsft#t4t ns/fw#t4t kink#t4t mlm#my partner is so fucking hairy#and sometimes theyll push me to my knees#and stand over me#with their belt undone letting me mouth at their dick#and i look up and they look like they wanna eat me alive#i love being queer
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hrt is so awesome. like i've enjoyed my face and sometimes my body before but testosterone makes me feel like the sexiest boy alive
#BODY HAIR IS SO COOL. MUSCLE DEFINITION IS SO COOL. LOWER VOICE IS SO COOL.#and i don't know if it's a fat redistribution thing so i can't accredit it Entirely to testosterone. however#finally got boxer briefs that fit me recently and my GOD.#first off awesome underwear design so nice sensorily. everything should fit my body perfectly with a teeny bit of compression.#second off my thighs look so fucking good in them#if you guys see me posting pictures in my underwear sometime. no you don't but also yeah you do y'know haha#i have always known in my heart that i am a boy who would do thirst traps but GOD. the appeal of thighs and hair on my stomach#head in my hands. incredible.#sorry to merc and miffy who will definitely be receiving images of me when the dam finally breaks in my head#however. they are the no. 1 enjoyers of bracken testosterone changes and i love when merc says he wants to eat me alive#valentine notes#t#testosterone
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being a little lover girl is awful because why do i remember every single thing about people. you can say something so small teeny tiny offhand and i’ll remember it. but i dont think anybody does the same for me?? i dont think people are ever as devoted to me as i am to them
#sometimes i wish i could stop loving people so hard#im not even talking romantically#i just mean in any sense#theres nothing nothing worse than knowing everything about someone and wanting to be such close friends with them#but they just think of you as like. an acquaintance i guess?#nothing happened its just like period emotions or something#well actually thats a lie talking to someone lately has been killing me cause i know they dont care as much as i do#so its a little internal battle lately of do i cut them off so it doesnt eat me alive or do i keep being their friend cause really#theres no good reason to cut them off its just that i feel too much and dont know how to be normal about it !!#whatever#tbd#yeah whatever its just hormones ill get over it#but for now i have to cry my lil eyes out <3#im just tired of having More feelings all the time#im such a giver why do i only attract takers!!
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dietitian warned me the other day i may need to go inpatient if this keeps getting worse and it hasn't left my mind ever since. partly because i don't see the reason. i am literally gaining weight. and also because a non-zero part of me wants to go back inpatient and i don't know why
#and also because self destructive impulse go brrrrrr#steadily lying more and more about being full again so that's fun#unfortuantely eating disorders are chronic and will only go into remission not go away entirely!!! so if i just die that will solve that#problem right :)#personal#tw suicide#tw ed#puddleglum hours#i don't want ot have to keep myself alive anymore!! i am so tired#i don't even have a diagnosed eating disorder lol#hilariously funny to me in a terrible way#diagnosed with Big Sad disorder (mdd) but not Can't Eat disorder which is what i originally went to get help with when i first reach out to#a doctor#you know how often i regret that? so so often#im just here like LET ME DIE when the two times in teh last two days i have been Left Alone With Knives i have Talked Myself Out of using#them#in part because im scared of trying and failing again#in part also because i don't want to scar my siblings yknow?? like a friend once said that sometimes you refrain from doing things for othe#people and not yourself and i think she was so right
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their face cards might decline sometimes i fear
#this ship is eating me alive every single day. i HAVE TO clown them sometimes#😭😭😭#x: wherever you stray i follow#yue’s codex entry: selene#appendix entry: astarion#bg3#tw jumpscare (???) 😭😭😭💀
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I wanna wanna die I wanna wanna die I wanna wanna die I wanna wanna die but I don't
#zombearzilla#me#my face#selfie#itsa me#curls#Not eating#not sleeping#But I cut my hair#Tattoos#Being alive is so tiring sometimes all the time#Spotify
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if i think abt the tragedy of 3zun for too long i go insane, because by all means all 3 of them should have died in that coffin. it'd be TOO fitting. sworn brothers, promising their lives and deaths to each other, stuck together in their cycle for 100 years until there's nothing left of them, until they've merged into one
just for, at the last second, one of them says no, and pushes the final piece away. his life spared, one of us will live to pick up the shards, forever separated from the others
#sometimes i wonder if the only reason lxc wasn't killed in that coffin#is bc there was no way for mxtx to write a happy ending for wangxian if lwj's brother is dead#it was already tricky having him leave while he's grieving#but understandable since lans grive in seclusion#but GOD. I JUST THINK ABOUT IT#im glad it didn't happen. the breaking of expectations is a lot more satisfying#BUT IT COULD HAVE. AND IT EATS ME ALIVE#the ending we have is so much more heartwrenching#modao#lace speaks
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i fucking despise being stuck on epic oc/art/worldbuilding ideas for 3939373 years as much as the next guy, but. man. the satisfaction that comes out of mashing multiple ideas together perfectly, even more so if it ties in perfectly with already-established crap that doesn't have to fucking change for it.
aka syrinq is going to yell about her oc worldbuilding for a sec and tell starfield and star wars and whatever other mainstream humanity-in-space sci-fi bullshit to suck her ass forever
anyway. imagine a sci-fi futuristic bozo fuckworld filled with swag robots only. now imagine one previously-existent idea, that scientists at one point, experimented with bacteria to see what they could do. like i don't know, grow a new whole ass beast.
now i want you to imagine a whole ass planet that i had initially written off as "the ginormous mining rig". more ideas, spots and cultures pending.
now, i want you to imagine the desire to make some kind of working subway system/underground city somewhere. and i think, wow, this could possibly go in the funny mining rig planet, because some areas are too extreme to terraform or need to keep the environmental hazards for minerals and meth or whatever.
and now i want you to imagine me turning into gru & his stupid whiteboard. i am laughing like a villain when i look at three separate ideas above coming together, thanks to the fourth swag idea i wanted to pull inspiration from for ages: The Smartest Slime Planning Trainways
now you see. my little science robots can use the already-existent bacteria experiments and expand on those- and through that, after years and years of funny and trivial and gross data. they let them fucking plan a subterranean hub, so they don't go blindly digging for tubers on the mining rig planet. of course this funny city-planning technology would need a stupendous name, but regardless.
sci-fi that isn't "out there" in terms of obscurity besides the usual scawy geometrical triangle of doom or green human aliens or transparent hologram interfaces. eat my fucking ass. forever
#sy.txt#i wrote 75k words on my ocverse and it still isnt 100% finished so i just gotta. i gotta sometimes#fuck with me bitch i'll eat your UNITED HUMAN NATIONS FUCKING ALIVE#THEYRE ALL NONEXISTENT AND DEAD IN MY OCVERSE. WOO!#sy's ocverse
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when i think about it. i am so scared for the future
#i need to get into this uni so fucking bad like there is no viable acceptable second option for me like it's my DREAM and i am#just so so so terrified of the idea of not getting in and having to stay in my parents' house and everyone knowing i didn't make it#like it eats me alive sometimes and i know i shouldn't make this one uni / goal my whole personality & life but it has to be rn
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fuck waiting until friday to get my cardio appointment actually
#that's fucking it tomorrow is exactly a month since I've had this I'm going to the fucking hospital#I didn't know heart attacks aren't all sudden and sometimes have weeks of ongoing signs beforehand fuck that#I can't eat I'm too busy crying not entirely out of physical pain but also I never felt so lightheaded while crying this little#I hate my parents I hate how they believe family is the most important thing in the world but if I'm scared I'm just supposed to deal with#it on my own because they'll never bother to understand me I hate that I'm alone if my roomie was already back#she'd have helped me go the first night I felt something wrong#why do I always have to do everything I'm so tired#i love alexythymia i love so much neglect growing up that I can't understand my needs physical or emocional and just have to endure it#I love you dead is the new alive that started playing on the other room rn really comforting#delete later
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when someone calls ur art good but ur at work so u cant outwardly show emotion
#i have a cold lil heart but sometimes............sometimes i cry#good cry#akga;fkjg#compliments make me feel things /pos#if u compliment me ill eat u alive#ok byeeeeeeeeee
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tw: sickness, negative
My stepmom vented to my brother how her life is over, that no one is gonna want her once my dad is “gone” and that she’s gonna stay single forever, like he’s already dead and cold.
She’s emotionally detached and bitter about having to care for him despite being the one who manipulated him into not seeing a doctor or taking medication to at least slow down the symptoms, when there was still a chance to treat it. She had him drink chlorine and do meditation sessions instead, because she doesn’t believe in allopathy.
I worry about him a lot, he told me that everyone at home (her brother lives with them and her sister + husband visit a lot) pretty much ignores him. Isolating a person with Alzheimer’s and leaving them alone all day is the worst thing you can do to a person that’s supposed to train their mind, memory and conversational skills.
He’s in an assisted living facility 3 times per week during the day so at least he’s getting some stimulation but I feel so bad for him. Being unwanted and despised by everyone in your household, especially your wife, after years of loving her, cooking for her, writing her poetry - bending your entire being for her - is so cruel and sad.
When she was diagnosed with breast cancer he was there for her, during the good and bad times, the least she could do is give him a few dignified last years, because despite him being a lot younger than the usual person with dementia, Alzheimer’s does have an expiration date, when their bodies simply give up due to weakened immune system. 10 years of which he already passed 6.
He’s not the person we all knew, I’m his daughter, I’m painfully aware of that - but he’s alive and healthy and still there but now she hates him because he’s clingy and dependent and confused and it’s just not fair.
#plumtext#personal#he also got so thin and I don’t know if he gets enough to eat#I don’t have it in me to take him in and care for him myself#she would not let me#besides I need to work full time#he does need a lot of attention and has no sense of time anymore#I could never forgive myself if he stayed here#wandered off somewhere and something happened to him#because I didn’t pay attention#this is so hard#I miss him#how do you mourn the loss of a person that’s still alive?#distracting myself with silly little computer games and hikes whenever I can#but he has always been such a powerful presence in my life#that it’s so hard not to be reminded of him constantly#I need to visit him more#but sometimes these visits hurt so much#gonna go to bed and read my silly little dinosaur ghost horror novel#until I’m so exhausted that I fall asleep#no overthinking tonight
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Looking up while brushing my teeth
It's me in the mirror
Hadn't seen him in a while
Welcome back, me
#I've been so giddy lately#actually no clue what giddy means but it feels like a nice word#im literally trembling with stress sometimes and school is killing me#but i wake up in the morning. take a shower. brush my teeth and get nice NICE comfy clothes#and i make breakfast and make my bed#and feed gato and help mom and start the day on time#and enjoy speaking in class and proposing stuff#and every day i have to have lunch in a hurry so i can come home and feed gato and brush my teeth and go back to class#and its awful but i still do it cause i love gato#and i spend some time with friends and maybe i eat a little dessert cause i deserve it#and i do my homework and have dinner and organize the house a bit#and brush my teeth. play with gato. put on pajamas#maybe text some friends and read some fanfics#and i go to sleep and i sleep well even if gato wakes me up at 2am#and im just#living#and i wake up the next day and realize. i couldn't have done this a year ago#and every day i wake up is amazing cause i got so close to giving up#im very glad im still alive#love mom and gato and this small corner of the internet and my friends#and i love myself#couldn't have done this without me#god im crying aksjdjdjdjsk#lukkas rambling nonsense#They said 'TrAnsiTiOniNg DoEsnT CuRE dePreSsIon'#AND IT DOESN'T but GOD DOES IT HELP
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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