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thatharringrovehoe · 3 years

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If you have any more Mob AU Jonathan and Nancy thoughts I would love to hear them.

Oh? My GOD?! I am sooooo glad you asked, you have no idea. I'm SO SORRY this took so long. I caught the covid and have been fucked up for the past little while. But I'm doing much better so I thought I would celebrate by answering this BEAUTIFUL ask and dropping some of my Mob AU Jancy thoughts. So here ya go!

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- Jonathan Byers very quickly grew acustomed to being glossed over by most. A dead beat dad at home and a mother who worked a nine to five plus overtime most days, Jonathan was left to fend for himself at an early age. Didn’t mind it so much seeing as his parents couldn’t be in the same room for more than five minutes without snarling at each other. Preferred it actually. Because Jonathan had always had a fascination with catching people totally unguarded. How they acted when they thought no one was watching. Gave him a sense of power he had never felt before, holding bits and pieces of a persons day to day in the palm of his hand, to keep or give out at his own discretion. It’s a collection that starts and stays in his head at first. Until shortly before Joyce kicks Lonny’s ass to the curb, Jonathan slips into his parents room and takes his dad’s old camera. He had been using it for some kind of con, another business adventure gone bust. But Jonathan had been in love since that first blinding flash when Lonny took a picture of Joyce scowling at him from the kitchen. Hid it under his bed behind blankets and toys in the hopes that even if his father went looking for it, it wouldn’t be found. The day Lonny peels out of the Byers driveway, shitty pickup kicking up dust while little Will cries into his mother’s arms, Jonathan felt something unclench in his chest for more than one reason.

- Bob was Jonathan's hero a long time before he ever died saving his whole family from a pack of demo dogs. It started when Joyce ushered him into the local radio shack, at her wits end with all the questions about film and photo development she could not answer. Bob smiles in that way he does when someone is truly trying to learn, when the passion they have is obvious but their knowledge is limited. Because Bob, until the day he bleeds out on the foyer of Hawkins Lab, loves to help. He gives Jonathan a crash course in everything he needs to know, assures Joyce that if her son has any questions he’s free to call the shop any time.

- The first picture Jonathan ever took of Nancy Wheeler was when they were nine. It was Easter Sunday, and while the Byers weren’t normal churchgoers, the whole town seemed to gather for this and the Christmas service. So they went. Joyce never asked Jonathan to keep his camera at home. Let him wear it everywhere, the strap worn and frayed. When the service ended and all of Hawkins could pretend that they were going home to pray instead of gorge themselves on ham and chocolate eggs, Jonathan missed a step on his way down the exit stairs, his foot landing hard on the concrete. The resulting jerk of motion was the final straw on the camels back. His camera strap broke, and so would have his heart if a small bony hand didn’t strike out like a viper, grabbing the camera out of thin air. Little Nancy wheeler, shoved and tied into a dress she absolutely loathed, handed a slack jawed Jonathan his favorite possession in the world. Jonathan wasn’t used to speaking with kids his age. They were always to bright, to loud. Most of the time it was to taunt, but even when it was friendly, Jonathan just didn’t like being anyone’s main focus. So he didn’t say anything. Not even a thank you. Nancy didn’t seem to mind, frizzy curls fighting against the restraints of the braid her mother had wrestled them into that morning. Her big brown eyes were focused on Jonathan now, taking everything in. And what was curious is Jonathan couldn’t bring himself to mind. She didn’t make small talk or ask for his name. Not even a quip about being more careful. She just smiled, teeth on full display. Jonathan unconsciously squeezed the camera in his hands, enraptured. Click- Flash! Temporarily blinding several people, Jonathan ran to his mother’s car in a panic, leaving behind a thoroughly charmed Nancy wheeler. The picture came out crooked and a little blurred, but the expression of amusement dancing in Nancy’s eyes is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. He keeps the photo in the bottom of his sock drawer while Joyce pretends not to notice.

- The other kids talk about tits and ass. About bodies grinding together clumsily under rough sheets, skin sticky with desire and heat. As he does with many other things, Jonathan thinks about sex in a very detached way. He’s never met anyone who set his blood on fire the way he thinks they’re supposed to. Never coaxed him into a double take no matter how beautiful. And Jonathan notices beautiful. He lives behind a lense, poised always for the perfect moment. The right lighting. A snippet of time stolen and captured, coaxed back to life in the red glow of the photo development room. He thinks of soft hands tracing over his skin and frowns. Thinks of lips dragging down his neck and cringes. He wants to be held but doesn’t want to be touched. He wants to be alone but the loneliness is aching. The other kids call him a freak. He clenches his teeth against any argument. He knows they're right.

- Steve Harrington and his inner circle hold court behind the bleachers, a king and his council. Jonathan slinks up beside him, always wary of Tommy’s junk yard dog teeth. The royal body guard doesn’t like him. No one really does. But he’ll never cross Steve, and Steve likes what Jonathan provides. Power. Secrets. Leverage. All valuable things to the right person, and the King pays handsomely. He slides the large brown envelope into Steve’s waiting hand, head bowed down like he taught himself to. Blend in. Be just this side of invisible. It makes it so much easier to collect secrets when people don’t even notice you’re there. Steve plucks out the photos, eyebrows rising into his hairline. Without looking away from the picture he raises his hand and makes a vague come hither motion with his arm towards the top of the bleachers. “Hey Nance! Come see what Byers brought!”

- The sound of a put upon sigh sounds from above them before the rattle and clang of high heels hitting the metal stairs of the bleachers reverberates around them. In a huff, Nancy Wheeler makes her way over, passing by Tommy Hagan’s bared teeth with a humorless smile, challenge in her eyes. The drag of Tommy’s cigaret a growl in it’s own right. Princess Wheeler may not be the queen, but she’s closer to being Steve’s right hand than Tommy could ever hope to be. Jonathan can see that it rankles him. Steve passes her the envelope with a knowing smile. Her eyes light up as she looks at Jonathan, assessing. Johathan can feel the heat of her gaze prickle his skin. It’s not at all unpleasant. “You took these?” Her voice is impressed. The quirk of her lips is amused. “They’re really impressive Byers.” The praise feels like warm honey dripping down his spine. He wants to feel her manicured nails carve lines into his skin. It’s new. And not entirely unwelcome.

- Jonathan and Nancy see a lot of each other after that. She waves to him in the halls, calls him over to eat with her during lunch, seeks him out after school before he drives home. He doesn’t really know what she wants from someone like him, but the longer it goes on the more he wants to give it to her, whatever it is. Because Nancy Wheeler is fierce and fearless. A stiletto blade smile with warm brown eyes. She looks at Jonathan like she wants to eat him alive. He finds himself thinking more often then not, that he maybe wouldn’t mind.

- Cordial chats between classes turn to after school study sessions turn to Jonathan scanning crowds for chestnut brown curls and a tinkling laugh. He thinks about her more than he’s thought about anyone. Finds himself thinking ‘Nancy would think this is hilarious’ as he takes photos of Steve’s neighbor snooping through his garbage. Where he’s never thought of anyone in particular after the lights go out and his hand slips below the waist band of his sleep pants, he now thinks about a piercing sharp gaze and lips pink like rose petals. He digs his nails into the skin of his side as he cums and imagines them to be Nancy Wheeler’s teeth.

- Nancy is the one to ask Jonathan out. Corners him in the photo development room, the red light casting her eyes in sharp, dangerous shadow. “I want you to come over to my house tonight Johnny.”. Nancy’s the only one who calls him that. It sends a pleasant shiver down his spine. He nods, unable to articulate just how much he wants to please her. Wants to make her proud. Wants to worship the fucking ground she walks on. Nancy smiles, sharp enough to cut. And this is what it feels like, he thinks. Like his blood is gasoline and Nancy Wheeler is the only one to drop a match to it.

- After, when they’re cuddling in Nancy’s frilly pink bed, both sated and basking in the afterglow, Jonathan realizes that this is the longest he's every voluntarily let someone touch him. Wanted someone to touch him. It leaves him reeling. “I think-. I think I love you.” He whispers it almost accusatory. Nancy laughs quietly, the vibrations birdsong where Jonathan’s ear rests on her chest. Her voice is achingly fond. “I know. I love you too.”

#guys #demisexual Jonathan is life #Dom Nancy Wheeler owns my whole ass #i love them so much #Nancy Wheeler #Jonathan Byers #Princess Wheeler #Spymaster Jonathan #Mob AU #sorry if there's any spelling mistakes I'm high on cold medicine #that hoe writes

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wigwurq · 5 years

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WIG REVIEW: STRANGER THINGS 3

Stranger Things season 3 is here!!!!! Bust out your 80s nostalgia and demogorgon attitude because I fully don’t remember where we left off but Netflix kind of reminded me in a very extended recap that was definitely too long? Whatever, let’s just discuss the wigs! (AND MUCH MORE).

As with last season (and any season of TV I review) I will be adding each episode to this post and then changing my wig verdict as the season progresses.

CHAPTER ONE: SUZIE DO YOU COPY?

We begin with two tweens making out and YUCK I really don’t want to live through this! I share this opinion with Sheriff Hopper who has to live through these make out sessions that are scored by 80s soft rock music. Even more insulting: THESE HAIRCUTS. I don’t know at what point these kids are gonna outgrow their bowlcuts but the answer seems to be a resounding: NEVER. Also Elle’s hair has finally grown out! TO THIS?!?!?! What overprocessed curly nightmare is this?! I feel like they were going for a Jennifer Grey situation but if that’s the case, I’ll be needing like 110% more hairspray and like 200% more dancing ability, please.

Anyway, the real news in town is: THERE’S A MALL NOW! It’s called Starcourt which is the most 80s sounding name ever and it is home to SCOOPS AHOY ice cream shoppe where Steve and Uma Thurman/Ethan Hawke’s daughter works. This whole storyline is incredibly Fast Times at Ridgemont High themed but Steve’s hair is still very wonderful. Also he can get all the tweens into the movie theater which is showing Day of the Dead and I get it Stranger Things: YOU ARE MAKING ALL THE 80S MALL REFERENCES.

Also: Dustin is back from camp! It was a science camp called Camp KNOW where and I am definitely gonna see some assholes in this shirt this summer. Anyway, this storyline was all about Dustin forcing his friends into helping him with a radio tower to talk to his possibly fake girlfriend named Suzie and truly: meh.

Meanwhile: WINONA’S SEASON 3 WIG! I’ve gotta say, this season is the best season of wig for Winona. Sure, it is still very much a mess (as is she after the untimely death of her boyfriend Rudy Reuttiger!) but it’s the best wig she’s had so far so MAZEL!

Elsewhere, the most boring teen couple in America (aka Nancy and Will’s brother whose name I won’t learn) are working at the local newspaper and Nancy’s whole job seems to be fetching hamburgers for an entire room of #MeToo examples. Her hair is business chick 80s which is to say: on brand but I could use about 90% more Working Girl, please.

And now let’s get to the only storyline I truly cared about: Nancy’s mom Karen Wheeler (aka Carla Buono). Every season, her wig brings the drama and glamour I crave in an 80s-based TV show. The arc of her wig story is truly the story of America - from 70s disco queen to bored early 80s housewife to the wig we see today - 80s mall glamour queen. AND I AM HERE FOR IT. She and the other ladies of the Hawkins Town Pool are unfortunately here for the worst character on this show: BILLY.

UGH BILLY. I will give this show major props for having his entrance to the same music playing when Phoebe Cates gets out of the pool in Fast Times (second Fast Times reference in this episode tho) but it’s a gender reversal I can definitely get behind. HOWEVER BILLY IS THE WORST. Within 2 seconds of his entrance, he fat shames a tweenager and also HAS THE WORST WIG.

Nothing has changed much from last season on this wig front. It is still very much a curly dried out MESS which is very much trying to reference Rob Lowe in St. Elmo’s Fire yet this bish has yet to wail on a saxophone or talk about granny panties so truly: no redeeming qualities here.

This does not dissuade Carla Buono from falling under the spell of Billy’s terrible wig. To be fair, her husband is a constantly napping Reagan supporter of indeterminate middle age. Anyway, the episode ends with her getting 80s GLAMOUROUS for a latenight rendezvous with Billy at a fleabag hotel. Billy, however, is run off the road by falling/exploding rats (?) and then dragged into a dirty warehouse full of said exploding rats which truly is the fate I wanted for him and his bad rattail so: COSIGN.

CHAPTER TWO: MALL RATS

We begin with Billy in the rat-infested warehouse being very much alive, so already: I’M ANGRY WITH THIS EPISODE. However, Billy and his awful wig have definitely been through the ringer and he’s about to high-tail it out of there when he comes face to face with: HIMSELF?!?! I don’t know what sort of US crossover this is supposed to be...can we get Jordan Peele on the horn about this? Anyway, he drives out of there in his now somehow completely fine car that didn’t work about 5 minutes ago and then stops at the most bizarrely situated telephone booth literally in the middle of nowhere. I thought this might be a Bill & Ted crossover but nope: he just tries to call 911 before all the electricity bails on that plan.

In other telephone news, Mike has been shook to his core by Sheriff Hopper and tells Elle that he can’t see her and makes up some lies about his grandma. Queen on the scene/his mom Karen and her GLAMOROUS PERFECTION WIG are somehow listening in (KAREN!!!!) and she’s concerned about grandma now too. Everyone back at the pool is concerned about Billy/”Billy” (not sure if he’s the real thing or a mole person version or a possessed alien version - probably the latter) and he is straight up RUDE to Karen so definitely: EFF YOU BILLY ALWAYS. There are also a bunch of shots of the back of his nightmare wig that gave me the shivers. Oh, and he fully kidnaps the other lifeguard as a human sacrifice to a demogorgon blob so definitely: EFF YOU BILLY x100000.

This episode also introduced MAYOR CARY ELWES! This is very good casting and this whole storyline seems like an homage to Jaws so: OK! Also Sheriff Hopper asked Winona’s season 3 wig (which is still good!) on a date/nondate which she definitely didn’t attend because she had far more important lessons to learn about magnets and that’s probably the best reason to stand up a dude ever.

Elsewhere, boring couple is investigating some weird rat/fertilizer situation at an old lady’s house and basically I didn’t pay attention to this part because it was boring and it involved exploding rats so: hard pass. Nancy’s hair looked fine. Jonathan’s hair is a mess. The end.

The rest of the episode was devoted to the only kind of rats I like: MALL RATS! Over at Scoops Ahoy, my favorite bromance between Steve and Dustin was rekindled and truly it is a beautiful thing.

However, Maya Hawke and her language skills (which are romance based, not Russian but whatever!) come into play to translate the Soviet message Dustin intercepted. They somehow translate it (SURE?) and also Maya’s hair is about as 80s as John Travolta’s 70s costumes were in 50s-set Grease. This hair is pure 2019 and you do you Stranger Things. THE DEMOGORGON’S IN THE DETAILS ALWAYS.

Meanwhile, Mike is BUMMED about having to lie to Elle so he brings Lucas and Will along with him to the mall to...buy something for Elle to erase the lie he told her? The whole time Will kept asking when they could leave and play D&D and the whole time I wanted these boys to not have bowl cuts anymore.

In the most important storyline, Elle teamed up with Max to have a LADIES DAY AT THE MALL AND I WAS HERE FOR IT! Max does not seem like the kind of chick who is into fashion or commercialism but her overriding guidance of finding yourself through consumerism and forsaking any sad feelings about boys is just good TV. Retail therapy is great!

And I’m sorry but there is absolutely no better cinema than an 80s makeover montage to effing MATERIAL GIRL. YES PLEASE.

Elle also used her powers to prank some asshole chicks at the Orange Julius and this whole part of the show felt very Girls Just Want To Have Fun (the movie but I guess also the song) so VERY YES PLEASE.

THEY EVEN TOOK EFFING GLAMOUR SHOTS. CAN YOU EVEN?! THIS IS EVERYTHING! I don’t know who funded this amazing afternoon at the mall since Max’s parents seem like pretty absentee wrong-side-of-the-tracks types and clearly this whole mall fiasco goes against everything Sheriff Hopper stands for but whatever logic: YAY MALL!

In the end, Elle calls out Mike on his lie and DUMPS HIS ASS! GIRL POWER! MALL POWER! ICE CREAM POWER 4EVER!

CHAPTER THREE: THE CASE OF THE MISSING LIFEGUARD

My favorite bromance, Dustin and Steve, are on the hunt for Russians in the mall! This whole plot is ridiculous and wonderful. They think they’re really onto something here (and maybe they are?) and just need to find some guy with blonde hair and a duffle bag (like all Russians!) When they find someone who fits that description, he turns out to be a FABULOUS aerobics instructor and I like what everyone has done here with the gay or European? trope.

Meanwhile, Hopper comes home from being stood up with bottle of Chianti and general sense of hopelessness when everything takes a turn for the GREAT because Elle isn’t making out with Mike - she’s found a great galpal and they’re having a sleepover. Halleluj all over the place! Elle deserves a great galpal and Max is pretty awesome and can ALMOST land an ollie so I say amen. Winona’s season 3 wig (still great!) shows up and explains about magnets and then they go back to the lab and find an actual Russian (not an aerobics instructor!) but then he hightails it out of there with no other explanation other than the fact that he might be the Terminator and/or just a motorcycle enthusiast.

Anyway, Elle and Max have the best sleepover EVER by using Elle’s sensory deprivation skills to spy on the boys and truly this is the What Men Want crossover no one wanted but sure! (PS the answer is Doritos belches and farts UGH BOYS).

Beyond that, what Will wants is to just play D&D IN THIS GODDAMNED ELEGANT CAPE, OK?! Mike and Lucas go along with it for a bit, but they are just too girl crazy to concentrate on being a nerd for long. Mike yells at Will, “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls” which is interesting phraseology since the internet really wants Will to be gay and only time will tell but honey: the cape eleganza story you’re serving is pretty fabulous, just sayin! (THE DEMOGORGON’S IN THE DETAILS ALWAYS).

Anyway, after some fun sensory deprivation visions of the guys doing stupid stuff, Elle and Max decide to invent a whole spin-the-bottle inspired game to see what other dudes in Hawkins are up to and dammit if the bottle didn’t land on my wig nemesis BILLY. Elle sees that he’s up to some pretty effed up nonsense involving kidnapping that other lifeguard so they decide to investigate IN THE RAIN.

The rest of the episode is mainly devoted to fabulous 80s raincoat fashion and I WAS HERE FOR IT. Beyond these great raincoat lewks, most of the rest of the cast also rocked some fab 80s raincoats (excepting Will who got soaked destroying his childhood fort and Steve who OF COURSE was wearing a members only jacket but jokes on him bc that rain totally dented his ‘do).

Anyway, Elle and Max go over to the missing lifeguard’s house and OF COURSE her dad is the #1 asshole that boring couple works with (oh also they did more boring investigating which resulted in an old lady eating fertilizer. Meh). But shocker: BILLY AND HIS AWFUL WIG WERE THERE TOO.

LOOK AT THE SIDE OF THIS DAMN WIG. Truly, this wig IS the demogorgon of this season.

Anyway, double shocker: THE LIFEGUARD ALSO WAS THERE! Or I guess a possessed version of her since this plotline is getting less US and more Invasion of the Body Snatchers (no need to return my call anymore, Jordan Peele). Also possession or not, this chick’s side pony and wispy bangs are the true terrors (second only to Billy’s wig).

Also can we talk about Billy’s mustache for a second? IT IS SO DISGUSTING. That’s all I have to say. I don’t want to look at it any further. Also look at how dried out this wig is and this whole episode involves torrential rain. I DEMAND MORE WIG HUMIDITY DAMMIT.

Anyway, Max and Elle (smartly) hightail it out of there right before Billy and the lifeguard attack her parents for further demogorgon possessions and we get one last terrifying view of Billy’s wig. HORRIFYING.

CHAPTER FOUR: THE SAUNA TEST

So I’m really liking the whole Elle and Max vibe going along here. I also like that they weren’t dissuaded by the whole Billy being a possessed demogorgon thing to spoil their sleepover. IT CONTINUES! And not only that, Max is literally introducing WONDER WOMAN TO ELLE. I could watch an entire episode of this also because both of their hair isn’t too offensive and they’ve both discovered scrunchies. Mazel! But of course, the guys call in a code red and they have to hightail it over there to fix everything. Ain’t it always the way, ladies?

I would like to take a moment to talk about bowl cuts. So far, I have just lumped both Will and Mike’s bowl cuts into “awful” territory as all bowl cuts are awful. However, this episode gets a lot of shots of the back of Will’s head (because the back of his neck is always sensing those goddamned demogorgons). Anyway, it became very clear in this episode just how terrible this wig is as opposed to Mike’s terrible bowl cut actual hair. I consulted the internet, and apparently the kid who plays Will CUT HIS HAIR (which he was contractually obligated NOT to do) days before shooting began and the wigmaster had to scramble and make a wig literally out of the childhood cut hair of one of her assistants. READ IT ALL HERE. Despite her hustle, this wig sucks in the way that all man wigs suck: the back taper is just all off!! And with all those closeups of Will’s neck it is VERY DISTRACTING!! Billy officially is not the only one with a terrible man wig this season. But his is still the worst!

It did hide a bit under this sweet NIAGARA FALLS hat this episode. And his oily bohunk body was hidden under this sweatshirt which was a dead giveaway to all the kids that SOMETHING WAS AMISS HERE since Billy can barely keep a shirt on at school let alone the pool. Since Will knows that demogorgons (specifically the mind flayer?) like it CHILL, everyone was all: THIS DUDE IS STRAIGHT UP POSSESSED. Great work, kids! Also honestly, this whole lewk was giving me Weekend At Bernies realness and I was here for it (since it implies that Billy is dead which I would like very much please).

Meanwhile, Hopper’s anger management issues get PEAK BLOODY when he just beats the shit out of Cary Elwes (who is technically kind of his boss?) in demanding answers about that Terminator/motorcycle enthusiast who beat the shit out of HIM last episode. Oh, and just an FYI: Winona’s season 3 wig was along for the ride and was still looking great! I cannot say the same for Cary Elwes’s face!

Over at Scoops Ahoy, Steve and his superior wigless mane are doing some serious air duct work with the help of Lucas’s precocious sister. This whole plotline begs the question: do any of the parents of Hawkins ever know where their kids are?

Meanwhile, boring couple is on the rocks after having a really boring fight about whether it’s worse to be a woman or poor and they called it a draw I guess? Anyway, I haven’t spent much time talking about Nancy’s hair which is starting to look a little lumpy honestly and the article I read (link above) told me the bizarre fun fact that most of this hair is real and permed (duh) but that part of the undercarriage is remnants from Winona’s season 1 wig which is obviously why it looks so shitty. The more you know!

Anyway, after being fired by the #metoo boss (who is now also demogorgon possessed) for wanting to investigate why that old lady with the fertilizer eating rats is now also eating fertilizer, she turned to her mom - the one and only queen of Hawkins glamour - KAREN WHEELER. LOOK AT THIS GODDAMNED PERFECT LEWK. Mama Karen ended up giving her a very great motivational pep talk that legit made me cry (SERIOUSLY) about how she had to keep fighting and get the world out about this effed up fertilizer situation. She also delivered a sick burn about her constantly napping husband. I LOVE YOU KAREN.

Back at the town pool, all the kids concocted a Home Alone-style booby trap to get Billy into the sauna, crank up the heat, and prove that there is a heat-hating demogorgon inside him. It kind of worked except they also almost died during the battle royale between Billy’s inner demon (literal this time) and Elle.

Also I know that I demanded wig humidity last time but this is NOT WHAT I MEANT OMG THIS WIG IS A GHOSTMARE. Anyway, Elle saved the day (duh) for now by throwing Billy through a brick wall like he was the Kool-Aid man but seems like he’s forming a demogorgon army of possessed mole people so seems like it’s gonna be one crazy summer, you guys!

CHAPTER FIVE: THE FLAYER

Straight off the bat: this was a weird episode because it included neither my least favorite wigwearer, Billy, nor (SOB) my favorite wig wearer, KAREN WHEELER. So we were left with a bunch of other randos, mainly Soviets. We begin with Winona’s season 3 wig (looking a little rough around the edges in this episode, I am sad to report) and Hopper, fresh off the info he beat out of Mayor Cary Elwes, high tailing it to some farm owned by The Terminator dude. Under his bed, they find a bunker with these two dudes in it. Good morning!

Terminator dude, obvs shows up fairly immediately and lots of yelling, guns, and machismo ensue. In the end, the Terminator is briefly subdued by a fallen bookshelf and Winona’s season 3 wig, Hopper, and one of the rando Soviets escape but not without car troubles because: of course?

After Hopper’s truck explodes, they are all forced to walk through the woods while Winona’s season 3 wig hilariously tries to ask the non-English-speaking Soviet dude about magnets. It’s all pretty silly stuff but I’m here for Winona’s season 3 wig to get some comedic scenes instead of long suffering Christmas light crying scenes.

Anyway, they find a 7-11 where a lot of product placement and caffeine takes place, as well as Hooper yelling a lot for no reason which is essentially his entire character this season. Get some anger management classes, dude! Also the rando Soviet gets a slushie so between that and Billy’s icee last episode: WHAT A TIME FOR FLAVORED ICE WATER!

My absolute favorite part of the episode came next when Hooper commandeered a sweet convertible from this yuppie asshole. I’m not sure how often police commandeer vehicles in real life but I love it when they do it in movies because it’s always taking a car from some pompous idiot who clearly doesn’t deserve to drive (see: Speed, So I Married An Axe Murderer, etc). You can’t get more pompous or idiotic than this yuppie (named Todd, of course?!) with both a popped Polo shirt AND a blazer with zhuzhed sleeves AND white pants. THE NERVE OF THIS GUY FOR EVEN EXISTING! PLEASE TAKE HIS CAR! OMG HIS LICENSE PLATE IS TDFTHR! EVERYTHING IS JUSTIFIED!

Then Hopper, Winona’s season 3 wig, and the rando Soviet drive directly to Murray’s compound in Illinois. I’m bummed we have to suffer through Murray and his existence again since I’ll never forgive him for the gross pull-out couch jokes he made about #boringcouple’s sex romp at his house but here we are. He DOES speak Russian so let’s just get through this translation. Oh and obviously the Terminator dude questioned the 7-11 clerk so he’s probably on his way to Murray’s house now, hopefully to kill him so I don’t have to suffer through any more of his gross sex jokes.

Meanwhile, the Scoops Ahoy spy crew are still locked in that elevator they took way into the bedrock of earth/logic but somehow manage to escape when some (more!) rando Soviets come to unlock some deliveries. Then they discover the whole Soviet plan to reopen the Upside Down while also not being noticed by one single Soviet (great security, dudes!) except for this one Soviet who Steve beats up (GO STEVE!) I’d also like to say that Steve’s superior wigless mane is truly wonderful in this episode. The lights from the underground labs really bring out his summer highlights and it’s truly a thing of beauty. Uma Thurman’s daughter continues to have a 2019 beach wave blunt instagram cut not welcome in this 80s narrative please but otherwise she’s fine.

Over with #boringcouple, they got back together I guess? Remember at the end of season 1 when we were all deeply offended that Nancy was still with Steve and NOT Will’s brother (I refuse to believe he has an actual name). How things have changed! If Steve ever took back Nancy, I would be personally DEEPLY OFFENDED so I guess it’s fine she’s just still a #boringcouple but it’s still boring you guys. Even more boring: the actors are a couple in real life and have been for years! I just found this out this week and found it DEEPLY BORING.

Anyway, #boringcouple teams up with the tween gang to solve this whole fertilizer eating mystery and Nancy totally mommed it up when she put her shitty perm back in a banana clip and told all the kids to buckle up so she could drive her parents’ wood-paneled station wagon and honestly this section felt very Adventures in Babysitting so I’ll allow it. Also Will’s bro’s hair always looks like it was cut by a weed wacker and I’m not sure if this is a comment on his socioeconomic plight but truly Winona’s season 3 wig should get her kids better haircuts please. If her wig can improve so can theirs. In any case, at the missing lifeguard’s house, they vaguely put together some blood-related clues and then decide to visit the fertilizer eating grandma in the hospital.

Only fertilizer eating grandma ain’t there, hunties! Also please return all those flowers to their vase, please. Instead, #boringcouple apologized to each other for their boring fight in an elevator and then had to fight two possessed #metoo bros from the newspaper (which was very satisfying) while Elle and Mike basically starred in an M&Ms commercial in the waiting room. I honestly was hoping that #boringcouple would get possessed too but they ended up being ok (SIGH) and the back of Will’s bowl cut wig sensed danger so I guess Elle is just gonna have to fix everything in the next episode or 3.

CHAPTER SIX: E PLURIBUS UNUM

We begin, UGH, with #boringcouple who are still battling with (part of?) the mind flayer in the hospital and Nancy gets very Sigourney Weaver in Alien and I thought she was about to get flayed but sadly Elle saved her ass. Back at Hooper’s bunker, the whole gang is still basically relying Elle for both protection and sensory deprivation recon. Nancy gels her hair up for some reason (I hope she used DEP!) and Will keeps getting the tingles on the back of his terrible bowl cut wig. Max and Mike have a battle royale about who cares about Elle more and whether women can make their own decisions about their own telepathic powers which Nancy rightfully weighs in on (you go gurl?) But honestly, no one was protecting Elle from the real catastrophe here: WEARING CRISS CROSS SUSPENDERS THE WHOLE GODDAMNED EPISODE. Suspenders are fine and I’m glad Elle has found fashion, but maybe the kids can elect one of them as Elle’s suspenders advocate to avoid this in the future?

Meanwhile, Terminator dude still hasn’t caught up with Murray (sadly) and everyone in his bunker is still very much alive, at least until they die of lung cancer (ZING!) Anyway, Murray does a lot of Russian translation, rando Soviet dude throws a diva fit about slurpee flavors, Hopper continues his reign of anger management/alcoholism problems, and Winona’s season 3 wig is honestly not looking great. They do somehow figure out what the Russians are doing under Starcourt (they even make diagrams and use a lot of Burger King product placement to reenact nuclear scanarios!) And Hopper calls a secure line to demand backup back in Hawkins. Okay?

Back in Hawkins, Bloody Bloody Cary Elwes seems to have recovered from Hopper’s beating pretty nicely (as long as he keeps those shades on) and is very much invested in the 4th of July county fair he is PRODUCING (he even made signs crediting himself!) The Terminator dude demands answers about Hooper but no matter: JUST ENJOY THIS FAIR RIDE!

Speaking of people getting face beatings, Steve is getting absolutely SAVAGED by the Soviets. It was honestly very heartbreaking because he has somehow become the male MVP of this show, partially to do with his hair god status (EVEN WITH A BLOODY FACE HIS HAIR LOOKS SO GREAT!) but also because he’s become a really sweet guy and I just want him to catch a damn break! (Tho please continue to be broken up with Nancy - dear god!)

We shouldn’t be too worried about him getting back together with Nancy, though, because if it wasn’t clear from the moment Uma Thurman’s daughter was introduced: THESE TWO ARE OBVS GETTING TOGETHER. Her hair is still a very 2019 distraction but she’s def an upgrade from Nancy. However, after taking some weird Soviet truth serum (probably just LSD, right?) she admits that she harbored a crush on him way back in the 10th grade and also totally undermines her cool outsider status by admitting that all losers want to be popular (I DON’T KNOW IF ALL LOSERS STAND BY THIS GURL I HOPE THIS IS JUST THE LSD TALKING!) This whole section gives a lot of Some Kind of Wonderful realness and honestly that is a lesser John Hughes work so I’m not sure I can give any of this a passing grade. However, Dustin and my new favorite sass machine, Erica save the day with a nuclear cow prod! GREAT WORK KIDS! ALSO YOUR PARENTS DEFINITELY DON’T CARE WHERE YOU ARE! Speaking of parents, yet again the glamour of KAREN WHEELER did not grace itself in this episode and we were all worse for it.

Back at Hopper’s cabin, Elle decides to go nuclear with her sensory deprivation recon and we all have to welcome BILLY (UGH BILLY) and his terrible wig back. Anyway, he pushes her further into the recesses of his memory/all logic on an astral plane that can only be described as the place where Michelle Pfeiffer was in the Ant-Man sequel (IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT HOW VERY DARE YOU). So we get a lot of terrible childhood flashbacks which try to show Billy’s abusive tendencies to be learned from his horrible upbringing and truly: DO NOT MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT BILLY.

JUST LOOK AT THIS IDIOT. NO THANK YOU PLEASE. Despite the humidity of his entire body, his wig remains a dried out hellscape that I would love to never see again for the rest of my days. Also he almost traps Elle in the astral plane they’re on JUST LIKE MICHELLE PFEIFFER IN THAT ANT-MAN MOVIE) but she escapes into the arms of Mike (fine sure) and then Billy explains that he and and his army of mole people have been waiting for Elle this whole time and: REALLY? That seems very specific but you do you, mole people. Oh also all those mole people (grandma fertilizer included!) all file into the rat warehouse and shapeshift into a disgusting mind flayer/demogorgon/blob nightmare. YAY!

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE BITE

Welcome to the Fun Fair (a Mayor Cary Elwes production!) Somehow he recovered from his terrible face beating to show some FACE at this thing. The whole town is there and ready for some 4th of July FUN that will definitely not be ruined by Russians or demogorgons.

Most importantly, this episode gave us the triumphant return of KAREN WHEELER! HER HAIR LOOKS AMAZING! She is bringing full out bouffant glamour to the Fun Fair and damn if she didn’t have this lewk done at Dolly Parton’s salon in Steel Magnolias. IT IS THAT GOOD. Clearly employing the “higher the hair the closer to god” theory - and not just hair-wise actually because this bish bribed some carnie to stop the ferris wheel at its highest point so that she and her family (at least the part of her family whose whereabouts she knows about) can enjoy some FIREWORKS. KAREN YOU MINX I LOVE YOU! HOW ARE YOU STILL MARRIED TO THIS DUDE IN GOLF PANTS?!

The top of the ferris wheel is also a perfect place to see the incoming demogorgon!! The back of Will’s bowl cut is getting the tingles too. And before Elle can fully explain her trip into Billy’s beach memories, the mind flayer is THERE, y’all, busting through the roof of Hopper’s cabin like it’s straight out of a 50s b-movie. I would like to note that for ONCE Winona’s house isn’t about to get trashed so mazel! #Boringcouple armed themselves with guns and axes but obvs they prove completely useless and the flayer is about to steal Elle away when they make a human chain and are victorious...FOR NOW.

Meanwhile, Dustin and Erica are dealing with a very drugged up Steve and Uma Thurman’s daughter and decide to lay low in a showing of (WHAT ELSE?): Back to the Future! They actually show so much of this movie that I’m assuming the entire wig budget went straight to Robert Zemeckis.

Over in the TDFTHER convertible, Winona’s season 3 wig is looking a damn MESS as is all the side projection of them getting back to Indiana. There’s a lot of bickering between Winona’s season 3 wig and Hopper and finally my beloathed Murray has to meet his gross sex talk quota for the season and tells both of them to just have sex already and then he and the Soviet dude laugh a lot and OMG GET ME OUT OF THIS CONVERTIBLE.

#Boringcouple and the kids smash into a supermarket to get Elle some medical help for the leg that the flayer effed up. I’m not sure why a hospital wasn’t an option but it’s probably so there could be more 80s product placement like Mr. T cereal and a whole actual conversation about New Coke. Nancy’s hair is still VERY depped up. Max seems to have the most medical training from skateboard injuries and fixes Elle up pretty well while the dudes prove completely useless other than finding a treasure trove of fireworks. I guess most importantly, Elle was reunited with her ain’ true love: EGGOS. They hightail it out of there with a ton of fireworks that they definitely won’t (lol jk) use later. Oh and Elle’s blood kind of comes alive and Billy and his shitty wig come back to sniff her out. Gross.

Speaking of gross, Steve and Uma’s daughter left the very confusing (for them) screening of Back to the Future to go stare at the Starcourt ceiling to the point of barfing (which I honestly did not need to see TWICE or at all!) The barf did get the LSD out of their systems so now it’s time for truth talk and LURVE TALK! I really have to hand it to Steve for being completely face beaten and bloody and covered in barf and still having enough swagger to admit to Uma’s daughter that he has feelings for her (despite her 2019 hair) and just when I thought this show was so predictable, Uma’s daughter comes out as a LESBIAN!! What? Okay! To his credit, Steve pivots pretty easily to ally/friend and truly: HE IS THE BEST AND WE DO NOT DESERVE HIM. ALSO PLEASE GET HELP ON YOUR FACE WOUNDS AND YOUR HAIR STILL LOOKS GREAT.

NOR DO WE DESERVE THIS MUCH GLAMOUR TWICE IN ONE EPISODE. Karen Wheeler may look great but damn if she knows where her (or Winona’s season 3 wig’s) kids are. But let’s just enjoy this space ship ride! Also a rando carnie calls Hopper “Magnum” and: sick burn. Also there is a woman dressed up as Uncle Sam at the fun fair and between this drag king realness, Uma’s daughter, that one Jazzercise instructor, and (maybe/probably) Will, I’m so ready to throw a Hawkins Pride Parade. Karen is already wearing rainbow stripes!

Elsewhere at the fun fair, Alexei is having the time of his damn life winning a Woody Woodpecker with the support of 10000 children. Sadly, his joy is cut short when the Terminator dude kills him in cold blood. HARSH. Also Murray chooses to blame himself for not guarding him like he was supposed to and instead buying a corn dog. I AGREE, MURRAY: THIS IS YOUR FAULT PLEASE LEAVE. Then Hopper has a whole sequence with the Terminator dude (and some other rando Soviet baddies) in the funhouse which is the second time this season which felt like a weird homage to US and I guess I need to get Jordan Peele on the horn again about this. Anyway, Hopper gets ANOTHER face beating and so does Cary Elwes from Winona’s (also beat) season 3 wig.

Back at the mall, Steve and company are trying to just slip out with the rest of the movie crowd from Back to the Future but the Soviets are totally onto them and it looks like they’re about to be killed when (AGAIN) Elle saves the day by throwing a Chrysler LeBaron on them. GREAT WORK! Unfortunately, Elle is also receiving a threatening phonecall from a mini demogorgon and the call is coming from: INSIDE HER LEG.

CHAPTER EIGHT: THE BATTLE OF STARCOURT

So this demogorgon situation with Elle’s leg is pretty severe so Will’s brother (again name NOT NECESSARY) prepares for mall surgery based on stuff found at the Panda Express and literally gave her a wooden spoon to bite on as if this was happening during the Revolutionary War. The demogorgon leg removal is not working so as always, Elle just DID IT HERSELF because she may be the only capable person in this mall/town.

Hopper and Winona’s season 3 wig (not looking great) and (UGH) Murray show up and everyone compares notes on how to fix this whole mindflayer situation. Most importantly, Erica outsasses Murray and wins. Steve (rightly) gets the keys to the TDFTHER convertible to take him, Uma’s daughter, Dustin and Erica (now known as Scoops Troop) to Dustin’s radio tower. The rest of the tweens plus #boringcouple (now known as The Griswold Family because sure) are getting sent to Murray’s bunker and can’t they maybe stop and get Elle some medical attention on the way? No matter: they’re not going anywhere because Billy, possessed or not, still knows way too much about cars and stole their damn ignition cable. DAMMIT BILLY.

Steve is driving the Scoops Troop up a damn hill to the radio tower while listening to Jackie Wilson’s Higher and Higher which I’m sure is a Ghostbusters 2 reference and also Uma’s daughter looks exactly like her in the convertible driving part of Kill Bill and honestly all of these pop cultural references are getting tiring. Anyway, from the top of the radio tower, they can see the demogorgon closing in on the mall and Steve and Uma’s daughter hightail it back there.

At the mall, Elle is having some trouble moving that LeBaron to get the ignition cable - she can’t even move a damn coke can. WHAT GIVES? This does beg the question: since she has literally done all the heavy lifting this season, could she maybe call in a favor from her telepathic sister in Chicago? Why did this show even introduce that character - just to check off “punks” on their 80s pop culture list (note: DEFINITELY) But seriously, it’s like when Marvel makes a stand-alone superhero movie after an Avengers movie. SOMEONE GET THAT PUNK CHICK ON THE HORN!!! Anyway, Will gets some back of bowl cut tingles and the damn demogorgon smashes through the roof. Elle, Mike, and Max make a run for it through the gap, where the demogorgon confuses a mannequin wearing Elle’s same clothing and truly: the gap would NEVER sell this graphic eleganza! Did Esprit just not want to be involved in this whole mess because that is where she would have bought that. The rest of the tense gap scene plays out basically exactly like the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park. Meanwhile, #boringcouple is doing boring auto work while Billy just endlessly stalls in his evilmobile but is about to hit them when MVP hair god Steve saves the day and everyone piles into the station wagon. YAY!

Elsewhere, the Terminator dude has made it to the Soviet subbasement where Hooper, Winona’s season 3 wig and (UGH) Murray are now in Soviet apparel. Winona’s season 3 wig (looking great hidden under that hat) and Hopper have a nice talk and make plans for a legit date which definitely won’t be derailed by a demogorgon (lol jk jk). Murray manages to infiltrate the room where all the wires control the nuclear weapon the Soviets are using to open up the Upside Down and why wasn’t this room better guarded? Oh well. Much like sucking at guarding Soviets and not buying corndogs, Murray sucks at remembering important numbers which are the combination for the nuclear keys.

Of course the code is some nerdy equation that requires Dustin to ask fellow nerd (and girlfriend Suzie who exists!) for help. But not before Suzie demands that Dustin sing....The Neverending Story theme song. This is peak 80s cultural reference and we can all go home now. Also it is mainly an excuse for Galen Matarazzo to sing and sure: he and this chick sound great! Now please get those damn keys!

Elle, Max and Mike are confronted with (unfortunately still alive) Billy who beats the shit out of all of them and takes Elle. She’s about to get flayed when Lucas and Will throw all those damn fireworks on the demogorgon. Sure! Elle uses Billy’s memories to reason with him. This show definitely wants us to root for Billy all of a sudden because he turns on the demogorgon but I REFUSE TO LIKE BILLY WITH THAT DRIED OUT WIG IN THIS SWEATY MALL.

Back in the subbasement, Winona’s season 3 wig and Hopper are ready to end this but the Terminator dude shows up. They duke it out very close to a nuclear warhead while Winona’s season 3 wig turns into MacGuyver and uses a belt to try to disarm both keys and bless her. Hopper throws the Terminator into nuclear generator thingie. Byeeeeee. Then Hopper looks back at Winona’s season 3 wig for long enough to definitely make it back into the safe glass room where she is but instead just gives a really long nod, signalling her to disarm the nuclear whatever thing and he definitely (absolutely does not) die.

However, all my hopes and dreams for Billy’s death finally came true! YAY FOR ME AND MY HATRED OF HIS TERRIBLE WIG AND HIS CHARACTER WHICH HAD NO REDEEMING QUALITIES NO MATTER HOW MANY BEACH FLASHBACKS TRIED TO PROVE OTHERWISE. I will say that his exit is VERY METAL so in some ways, this was the only appropriate death for his Metallica and Tank loving character. FINE. Two seconds after he and the demogorgon die, the feds show up with Paul Reiser! I am honestly very mad at this show for not blasting Pat Benatar’s Little Too Late during this entire sequence. OH WELL. Outside the mall Winona’s season 3 wig and Will’s terrible bowl cut wig are reunited in a bad wig hug. Then Winona’s season 3 wig catches sight of Elle and gives her a look that says: I am definitely adopting you.

Three months later, a fake Inside Edition show gets us up to date on the burning of the mall, government coverups, and comeuppance of terrible mayor Cary Elwes. Also Uma’s daughter (now with 80s appropriate updo!) and Steve are trying to get jobs at the video store! Uma’s daughter and her love of Billy Wilder movies make her a shoe-in for the job but Steve's taste in the Ewok Star Wars movie and the 5 minutes he saw of Back To the Future whilst on LSD don’t make him the best candidate. Also he trips over a Phoebe Cates cut-out and truly Phoebe Cates: thank you for your service in being name-checked constantly this season. In the end, Steve’s awesome hair gets him the job. Maybe?

Meanwhile, Winona’s season 3 wig is moving just like she said she was going to this whole season and no one believed her. Also she put her wig back in a ponytail and: good move it looks ok! Elle still doesn’t have her powers back but eh? She does get a heart-tugging letter from beyond the grave (he’s totally still alive) and all the kids/tweens/#boringcouple sob that they are being separated. It isn’t clear where Winona’s season 3 wig is going or how she could have sold her shitty house in the town that fake Inside Edition show called haunted. And yes, separating her now 3 PTSD kids from their only support group is also shitty but what has this goddamned town ever done for Winona and any of her seasons’ wigs other than stealing her children and killing her love interests and trashing that shitty house at least twice?! I SAY GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE (they will fully be back next season).

After collectively sobbing all their faces off, the tweens of Hawkins are left only with the ELEGANZA OF KAREN WHEELER and whatever healthy dinner she’s preparing with the help of some white wine. YOU KIDS ARE STILL LUCKY WHO NEEDS FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE KAREN WHEELER! Oh and back in Russia, Hopper is like 110% definitely still alive. See y’all next season!

FINAL VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ (YOU KNOW IT WAS BILLY’S FAULT)

#wigwurq #doesntwurq #strangerthings #hawkins #UGHBILLY #80sMALLWIGS #KARENWHEELER #EXPLODINGRATS #EXPLODINGRATTAILS #retailtherapy #glamourshots #girlsjustwanttohavefun #mallpower #raincoatfashions #wighumidity

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hello-justawriterofthings · 5 years

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New guy in Town - Billy Hargrove

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Requested by @kaitlinlexiexx I really hope you enjoy, Thank you so much for requesting! Hopefully this will make you happy, I'm always nervous when doing requests <3 <3

In which you attend Hawkins High When Billy rolls up and since you're a rebel, you'll do anything to make him yours. { Warning - a few swear words, lots of fluff and flirting, this also just takes place in one day } I'm the most awkward person, so flirting isn't easy for me to write ( Or even do ), but I tried. Sorry it's so short. The timeline also is off the breakup between Nancy and Steve has already happened when Billy shows up.

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I lent up against my car, waiting on my friends, glancing around at the very dull Hawkins high. The same people, wearing the same outfits, acting the same way, it never ended, nor did it change. Jonathan and Nancy pulled up right next to mine, in Jonathan's vehicle. I sighed deeply still focusing on other things, what we needed was something new to spice up this town, something fresh. I lit up a cigarette as I let out a deep sigh, " Morning Y/N " Jonathan stated with a smile as he stepped out of the car. " Hey " I waved, " I really wish you would stop smoking Y/n, it's horrible for your health " Nancy sighed pulling the strap of her bag over her head. I shrugged slightly as I put out the cigarette, I only ever started smoking to piss my parents off. I had to do something to get noticed, I was the middle child. My oldest brother was a scholar in collage and my younger sister was only 4 and just learned to count to 10, so my parents seemed to focus on them over me. I shook the thought from my head as Steve pulled up moments later, " Did you guys finish the history homework last night, it sucked ass!! " he exclaimed while slamming his car door. I chuckled while nodding, things were getting better in out group. After the drama between Nancy and Steve took place, it was awkward. Steve ended spending most of his summer days with Dustin, he accepted Nancy and Jonathan's relationship now, even though everyone knew he still loved Nancy. " I can't believe summer went by so quickly, I feel like I haven't seen you guys in ages! " Steve then stated squeezing me with a hug, " Steve, you saw us last night, get a grip! " I chuckled hugging him back. After talking with the three of them for a few minutes, the roar of an incoming car started most of the students in the parking lot. A shiny blue camaro came barreling in, nearly hitting a few students. I furrowed my brows at the mysterious car, I'd definitely not seen in before. The door swung open, a boot hit the ground and a guy wearing all Jean got out. Along with a small red headed girl, who ended up skating over to the middle school. Everyone had their eyes on him, especially me. The mystery man turned towards us, cigarette hanging loosely from his lips. Nancy groaned deeply, already sensing the trouble coming from this guy. I couldn't take my eyes off of him though, as he made his way into the building, something about him intrigued me. " Y/N " Nancy called, but I ignored it. " y/N! " she then shouted louder, making me finally look at her with a smirk on my face. " Don't, I can tell he's trouble " she stated with a sigh, I continued to smirk though " But Nance, you know how much I love trouble ". She rolled her eyes, I grabbed my bag and made my way towards the building " I'll see you at lunch ".

Most of the day, I spent keeping an eye out for that blonde hunk. Bu the time gym came around, I was over being in school. I was in the unflattering gym clothes, today we were running the track, which I wasn't looking forward to, but once I saw who was in the class, I was excited for it. He had a group of girls following him everywhere and now I had to find a way to get his attention somehow. Steve chuckled as he walked up beside of me " Having troubles with Loverboy? ", " I sighed deeply " Why would you think that? ". " Because of the glare on your face, just forget him, he's just a flirt " Steve then stated, " Don't count me out just yet Harrington " I smirked. Once we got out onto the track and started running, that's when the plan came to mind. I waited until he was close by and pretended to trip, unfortunately scraping my knee on the fall. " Are you okay? " the blonde questioned as he lent down in front of me, " Um, yeah... I just lost my balance " I stated with a small smile. Tina scoffed from beside him " Come on Bill, let's keep going ", " You go ahead " the blonde stated. Causing Tina to groan slightly and continue to jog, he smiled at me " Looks like you fucked up your knee pretty bad, let me help you up ", I nodded offering him another smile. " I'm Billy by the way " he stated, " Y/N " I sighed in response. Billy helped me to the nurses office, but not before I glanced back at Steve while wearing a large smirk. He only rolled his eyes and shook his head, but continued running. Billy got me to the nurses office and sat there while she bandaged me up, making me laugh the entire time, apparently I did more damage than I thought. Once she was done it was time to get back to class, which I wasn't going to do. Billy and I headed back to the gym, since the class was over, we had to get changed back into our clothes. Afterwords I glanced around to make sure no one was around, then I snuck out the back door and limped over the the bleachers. The site where most people ditched class to make out or smoke. I let out a deep sigh, seeing that it was empty. I pulled the pack of cigarettes out of my back pocket and lit one, leaning up against one of the poles. I heard a quiet chuckle to my left, making me glance that way. " Mind if I join you? " Billy asked in a flirt tone, lighting a cigarette himself. " Didn't think you were a smoker, you seem like a good girl " he then stated, I shrugged my shoulders " There's a lot you don't know about me Billy ". He sent me another smirk " Oh yeah, will I ever get to see what your all about ", I smirked back " That'll be completely up to you ". I put out my cigarette out and sighed deeply " You know, I love your car by the way, the color is amazing ", he lifted an eyebrow " Oh yeah, maybe I'll take you on a drive one day ". I smirked as he started to approach me, " See you in class " I stated with a smile as I started to leave. Hearing him groan in the background, which made me chuckle, the game had only begun. " Y/N! " he shouted after me, causing me to stop and look back at him. " Did you fall on purpose, to get my attention? " he questioned with a brow raised, I smirked " It's possible ". He smiled while nodding " You didn't have to, you had my attention the moment I laid eyes on you ", I nodded in return " Good to know ". I then sent him one last smirk, then turned and walked away. This school year was going to be very interesting.

Lunch approached quickly after, I was sitting at the usually table when Nancy and Jonathan approached. " Why did the new guy ask me for your number, why are you getting involved with that scumbag! There are plenty of other guys in this school " Nancy ranted, causing me to roll my eyes " But their all so boring... No offence Jonathan, you know I love you ". He chuckled " I know, we've known each other since we were two ", he was right I had known him the longest. " Not everyone is boring, Lenard is very nice, he's my lab partner " Nancy then stated, I groaned deeply " Lenard is nice, but he's eaten his own boogers since he was five. It was fine when he was a kid, that's normal. He's almost 18 now ". Nancy sighed deeply " Fine, you have a point... Just be careful ", I smiled " I'm always careful aren't I? ". She rolled her eyes " You're always cocky ", I smirked while raising my eyebrows. " Y/N! Come sit " I heard Billy's rough voice shout, making me look over in his direction, only to see him smirking at me. " Gotta go, my future boo is calling " I smiled at Nancy and Jonathan, making Nancy roll her eyes and Jonathan chuckle quietly. I made y way over to the table Billy, Tommy and Carol were sitting at. " Why did you invite her to sit with us, she's one of those losers Carol groaned while chewing her gum extra loudly, I sat down the the chair beside billy while smiling sweetly " So Tommy, Carol. How's that case of herpes clearing up? ". Billy busted out a loud laugh, Carol scoffed while getting up and stomped out of the lunchroom. Tommy didn't follow at first, to busy picking at the food in front of him. " Tommy! " Carol shouted, causing him to get up fast and sprint out of the cafeteria. I sent Billy a slight smirk, " Now that those idiots are gone, let's get to know each other more " Billy stated with a flirty smile. " Okay " I then stated raising a brow.

That lunch felt like it went on for hours, the amount of flirting that went n between us was crazy, I was never one to flirt. Once the bell rang, signaling that it was time to get to the next class, Billy took a hold of my wrist. " So, when I am going to get your number? " he asked with another smirk, causing me to shrug slightly. " Can I at least give you a ride home? " he stated, I smiled " We'll see... " ( Knowing that I had brought my own car today ). He smiled again as we both stood up " okay, can I walk you to your next class? ", I nodded " Sure ". He smiled widely as we exited the lunch room, catching everyone's eye on the way out.

After School, I made my way outside and into the parking lot, ready for the day to be over. " Hey Y/N! " Billy shouted from besides his car, I sighed while walking to my car and throwing my bag inside. He jogged over by me, " Hey, I thought I could give you that ride home " he stated looking confused. " I have my own car, sorry I didn't tell you earlier " I sighed, " But, I wanted to hangout with you some more " he stated semi desperately. I smirked " But, we just met Billy... Are you already that attached? ", " No.. I mean, there's just something about you that I'm attracted too, I want to get to know you and I've never never said that to anyone before " he stated honestly. I smirked " Wow, what a sweet talker ", he groaned deeply. " How about, you take your little sister home, because she's looking very impatient over there.. And give me a call after, I'm sure I can squeeze you into my schedule and show you around Hawkins " I stated handing him a folded piece of paper that held my number, " She's not my sister " he huffed. I rolled my eyes, " Can I take you on a drive? " he questioned with another smirk. " Absolutely, you drive and I instruct you were to go, I'll take you to all the amazing spots here " I stated with a smile. He nodded, sending me a wink before heading back to his car and I climbed into my own. I didn't know where this little flirt session was headed, but something about Billy Hargrove intrigued me. I knew I was going to have a great time with this guy and i could careless what anyone thought. Maybe things would go further beyond flirting, but now that's a different story.

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Hey guys, I changed the request up a bit. I'm sorry if this isn't any good, I'm just not great ( That I know of ) with flirty things, I've never really been n a relationship myself and I'm definitely a lover of angst, so that's usually what I write, because I love drama. Thank you so much for Reading, your all so amazing and I hope you enjoyed <3<3

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove fluff #stranger things #stranger things imagine #billy hargrove fanfic #billy hargrove fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #story #fluff #dacre montgomery #Thank You #Thank you for reading #thank you for the support #hope you like it #hope you enjoy #your amazing

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hannahberrie · 6 years

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Everybody Talks | Chapter 2: Frogface

Fandom: Stranger Things Pairing: Mileven Rating: K WC: 2715 Summary: During Biology class, El struggles with her growing feelings for Mike.

[AO3] Chapter Selection: [1]-2-[3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][Epilogue]

It started in history class last year.

El’s teacher had been trying (and failing) to set up the overhead projector for 20 minutes. Meanwhile, the class was growing antsier by the minute; hushed whispers quickly escalated into full-on conversations, laughter, and before long, no one seemed to care that they were even in class anymore.

The teacher had not only given up on trying to hold back muttered curses of frustration, but also on fixing the projector himself. As the students chucked spitballs and paper airplanes at each other, he called the office, asking for an A.V. club student to come over and fix the “goddamn thing.”

Minutes later, Mike had walked in wearing one of his dorky wool sweaters and a hall pass lanyard around his neck. “What’s the problem?” He’d asked, glancing between the rowdy class and red-faced teacher in both hesitance and alarm.

“This damn projector won’t turn on!” The teacher huffed in reply, “All these good-for-nothing technologies they make us use now…back in my day, there was nothing wrong with good, old-fashioned books and chalkboards!”

“Right,” Mike had said in a dismissive sort of way that made El snort. He moved over to examine the projector more closely, getting out a handful of tools from his backpack.

El had watched as he worked, and though he didn’t notice her, she found herself noticing everything about him. Like the way he pushed up his sleeves, the way he looked so focused, the way he tucked his pocket screwdriver behind his ear when he wasn’t using it, or the way that smiled excitedly when he’d figured something out.

Her heart had done a weird flip-floppy thing in her chest, and as it beat slightly faster, it matched the rhythm of her train of thought: cute, cute, cute, cute.

For a moment, she’d wondered if she was getting sick. She certainly felt like it. Sick and crazy and ridiculous. She knew nothing about him but wanted to know everything.

“There,” Mike had said once he’d finished, “You just had to adjust the Fresnel lens, nothing serious.”

The teacher furrowed his brow. “The what?”

“The condenser?” Mike offered. When the teacher still looked lost, Mike continued, more slowly, “The big glass thing.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Mike left the room, El was left reeling.

He’s still wearing that same sweater today, El notices as she sneakily examines him from across the biology classroom. Even though he’s seated in the front row and she’s all the way in the back, she still has a pretty good angle on him. Since his back is to her, she doesn’t even have to worry about him catching her.

As she watches him take notes, she half-heartedly realizes that she’s kind of acting like a total weirdo. Then again, that isn’t far off from her reputation around school.

El knows what other kids at school think of her. She’s not an idiot — she sees the frightened glances she and Max get in when they enter school with their ripped jeans and dark eyeshadow, or the whispers that are exchanged when they’re busted for something.

And yet, while every other student seems to notice her, and how different she is, to Mike, she’s practically invisible.

Well, at least, she was.

Her mind goes back to last Friday, to that grungy detention room. When El and Max had entered, and El had seen them, him, she hadn’t been able to stop herself from gasping, though it was only loud enough for Max to hear.

“What?” Max had hissed, glancing back at her.

“Nothing,” El had muttered quickly.

“You know these dweebs?” Max moved her gaze towards the boys in their desks.

“I know Mike,” El had admitted, hoping she didn’t sound too nervous, “He’s president of the A.V. Club.”

Mortensen had turned to lecture them after that, shutting down any further questions from Max, which El was immensely grateful for. She’s definitely not ready to let Max know that she has a crush on a ‘dweeb’ like Mike. She’d never hear the end of all the teasing.

But despite Max almost finding out about her crush, last Friday was definitely the best day ever. Mike had sat right next to her. Without her even asking. And he’d talked to her.

Just thinking about it makes El want to explode, but in a good way. It also makes her doodle hearts in the corner of her notebook as she daydreams about Mike and all the various ways he could confess that he can’t stop thinking about her, either.

She’s in the middle of imagining an elaborate scenario that involves a bouquet of waffles and a motorcycle ride when she abruptly realizes that everyone in the class, including the teacher, including Mike, is staring at her.

She freezes, wishing more than anything that she could disappear. Should she say anything? She can’t just keep sitting here, looking like a total mouthbreather…

“Eleanor?” The teacher, Mrs. Hawthorne, asks. She’s looking at El over the rim of her glasses, the way she always does when she’s had it up to here with someone. “Can you answer the question?”

What question? She wasn’t even listening!

El swallows, cheeks feeling hot. “I…uh…I don’t know,” she mumbles quietly.

“I don’t know,” Troy, Hawkins High’s resident asshole, quietly mimics in a squeaky voice, earning a hushed round of snickers from his cronies.

El gives him a death glare, but Troy ignores her.

“That’s ok,” her teacher says gently, “But you need to pay attention.” This only causes more snickers from Troy and his friends, and El can feel her hands start to shake.

Keep it under control. Not here, not here.

She takes a deep breath and relinquishes her grasp just as the teacher asks, “Can anyone else answer the question?”

Mike raises his hand, and El feels her heart skip a beat. “The nictitating membrane is a frog’s third eyelid,” He answers easily, “It helps the frog keep its eye moistened.”

“Frogface,” Troy not-so-subtly coughs.

Mike rolls his eyes, but El notices the red tinge of embarrassment creeping up his cheeks. For the second time in the past minute, she wants to completely destroy Troy, or, at the very least, give him what he deserves (which, to be fair, is complete destruction).

“Thank you, Michael,” Their professor says, throwing Troy a dirty look. “Now that we’ve covered the pre-lab questions, I think we oughta get started with the experiment.”

Experiment? El turns her focus to the board, trying to remember what they’re even studying right now.

“For the frog dissection, I’m going to assign you partners at random,” Mrs. Hawthorne explains.

Oh right. They were dissecting frogs today. Remembering this makes El’s stomach churn, and she starts to feel anxious. This is a class that she’s been dreading ever since their teacher first mentioned it, though she’d completely forgotten that they were doing it today.

Mrs. Hawthorne starts reading out names in pairs, matching students up with their respective lab partners. El crosses her fingers under her desk, hoping, praying, she won’t get Troy. He’s the only thing, at least that she can think of, that’s more disgusting than having to cut open a frog.

“Eleanor...”

Please not Troy, please not Troy, ANYONE but Troy...

“...You’ll be working with Michael.”

El freezes. Michael? As in…

Mike turns to glance back at her with a small smile, and El feels herself melt. Seriously. Her heart feels all mushy and her stomach is all flip-floppy and it takes everything within El to not grin like an idiot. Nevertheless, she’s able to maintain the indifferent, stoic look that she often sports around school — the look that shields her from seeming like the total dope she feels like on the inside.

Mrs. Hawthorne finishes pairing up the rest of the class. When she tells everyone to get started, the whole class gets up in a chaotic flurry of movement. Everyone’s running to either their partner, their lab table, or the supply closet in the back of the room. El is just rising to her feet — legs feeling like Jell-O — when suddenly Mike is standing right in front of her and she’s trying to remember how to blink properly.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” she replies, suddenly feeling self-conscious about everything she’s doing, like how she’s standing. Should she put her hands in his pockets, like he’s doing, or should she cross them? On her hips? WHY was worrying about this, again?

“So, I guess we’re like, partners,” Mike says.

“Yeah,” El says, amazed at just how nonchalant she’s able to sound, considering the circumstances.

Mike glances around the busy classroom. “So, I can go get the supplies, if you want, it looks pretty gnarly back there,” he offers. “And you can get us a table.”

El nods. “Okay.”

Mike gives her another small smile, and despite her desperate attempts to remain as laid-back as possible, she finds herself smiling back.

The two part ways. As El finds them a lab table, she can’t help but feel frustrated. Being closed-off from people is her form of protection. It keeps people like Troy from learning her vulnerabilities, and, she realizes as she glances down at her own hands, her strengths.

But Mike…

Mike undoes everything. Mike makes El want to smile and giggle and blush and act like a total knucklehead. She’s happy with being a loner, happy with being able to trust Max and Max alone. It’s safe, comfortable. Her feelings for Mike, on the other hand?

Completely terrifying.

Mike returns with a tray of goggles, gloves, forceps, pins, and a plastic container that smells an indescribable kind of terrible. The pungent odor makes El crinkle up her nose, and she looks up at Mike skeptically.

“Yeah, this thing totally reeks,” Mike gripes, passing her a pair of safety goggles.

“Totally,” El agrees, taking the goggles. Their fingers brush for the briefest of moments, and El feels her cheeks grow warm.

El tries not to stare as Mike slips on his safety goggles. The strap brushes against his hair and makes it floof up slightly.

Cute, cute, cute, cute.

They slip on some plastic gloves, line the tools up in a row, and remove the frog from the plastic container. El feels her stomach churn again as Mike lays the frog’s stiff, frozen body out on the tray.

Mike gets out their teacher’s Xeroxed lab instructions and reads them over quickly.

“Alright, so,” he begins, pushing up his sleeves and getting their tools out, “It looks like we have to identify the organs and fill out the diagram on this worksheet,” he turns to her, holding out the scalpel, “Do you want to do the cutting?”

El’s eyes widen. She glances at the scalpel, at Mike, and shakes her head quickly. “I’ll do the worksheet,” she offers, pulling the paper closer to her.

“Aww, you’re not scared, are you?” Mike teases. “It’s just a little frog.” He holds up the frog’s arm and makes it wave at her.

“No!” El tries to hold back both a giggle and cry of disgust, but instead gives off a strangled sort of snorting sound that only makes Mike smile even more.

El composes herself and gives him her best-annoyed look, “It’s gross.”

“It’s not THAT gross,” Mike replies, “I mean, it’s a little gross, but it’s also super cool! Like, we’re gonna get to see all his intestines and his liver and stuff!”

He’s definitely not wrong about that.

Once Mike cuts the frog open, they can see every last veiny, slimy, nasty organ inside. El keeps her eyes trained either on Mike or their worksheet, knowing that she won’t be able to last a minute if she has to keep looking at the poor frog.

Mike seems aware of this, as he doesn’t tease her anymore. Instead, he takes on the tasks of cutting, examining, and prying. He seems really into it, if the way he excitedly babbles about the abnormal length of the spleen means anything. Even though it’s still super gross, the way Mike explains it to her — passionately, earnestly, an excited glint on his eye — she can’t help but admire his efforts to make it less scary.

He’s a total nerd about the whole thing, and yet, El finds herself loving every moment of it.

When the class ends and it’s time to pack up, El finds herself actually upset that it’s over.

“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Mike asks her as they properly dispose of the frog and remove their gloves, “I mean, it smelt really weird, and I know you didn’t like all the organs, or how it kinda squirted frog guts everywhere when I accidentally punctured the —“

“Mike,” El cuts him off, not really wanting to relive that particular moment, “It was fine.”

“Really?” Mike slides his goggles up, and now that they’re resting in his scruffy hair, El notices the splay of freckles scattered across his nose and cheeks.

Cute, cute, cute, cute.

El swallows and nods. “Yeah.”

Mike gives her another smile as they finish cleaning up. They conclude just as the bell rings, signaling the end of class.

As their classmates file out of the room, El goes back to her desk to get her things. Mike grabs his backpack and slowly makes his way over to the doorway but doesn’t leave, and it’s only when El notices the glances he keeps giving her that she realizes he’s stalling for her.

El holds back a smile as she makes her way towards the door, hoping Mike can’t tell that every step she takes towards him makes her heart flutter all the more.

“By the way,” Mike says as she approaches him and the two walk into the bustling hallway together, “How’d you solve my Rubik’s cube? I’ve been working on it forever.”

El shrugs, still a little unsure herself. “I just tried.”

“Seriously? I can’t believe you did it so fast! Like, you were amazing!”

Amazing? El glances up at him, eyes wide, and Mike suddenly looks alarmed.

“I mean, how fast you did it was amazing, not that you, personally, are amazing,” he quickly amends, “Not that you’re not amazing, though! You’re pretty cool, I guess. I mean, you seem cool, I know we’ve never really talked before or anything, but maybe — ”

“Mike!” Someone calls out.

El looks over to see Mike’s friends waiting at the end of the hall, huddle by his locker. Mike looks relieved for the interruption and immediately stops babbling.

“Well, I gotta go,” he instead says to El, giving her an apologetic look. “But maybe I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” El replies, trying not to sound too hopeful, and just like that, Mike is off.

“Why were you walking with HER?” El hears one of his friends — Dustin, she’s pretty sure — ask before the boys submerge into the rushing crowd of Hawkins High students, out of earshot.

As Mike disappears from view, El is suddenly left wondering if that was the conclusion to their story. Was that the last time they’d ever speak to each other? The last time he’d ever acknowledge that she existed? What did ‘maybe I’ll see you later,’ mean, anyway?

El looks down at her hands. She knows she’s different, powerful, dangerous — and yet, all she feels now is a delirious sort of weakness.

She’s turning into such a knucklehead. A blushing, embarrassingly love-sick knucklehead.

And yet…

She doesn’t completely hate it.

El crosses her fingers and desperately hopes that she won’t become invisible to him again.

#mileven #mileven fanfiction #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #berrie fics #*#everybodytalks #lovecolesprouse

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miasswier · 7 years

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wedding bell blues - tolbert

basically just an extended headcanon about how i think tolbert would plan a wedding based off a convo i had with @amtrak12 and @thegirlsinthefirehouse <3 for @actualsunshinepattytolan‘s patty appreciation week :D

also on ao3

Patty’s life has always been a little bit crazy, but after Erin proposes things just get out of control.

Not that she’s unhappy to be engaged to Erin, or that she didn’t cry like a baby when her girlfriend got down on one knee. She’s wanted to be married since she knew what marriage was, and she’s wanted to marry Erin forever. Marrying Erin definitely isn’t the problem.

It’s the goddamn wedding. That’s the problem.

First, neither of them are exactly casual people, so they always have a million commitments going at a time. The fact that they even found the time to get engaged boggles Patty’s mind. She doesn’t even know how they’ve had time to like, be a couple for the past few years. So planning a wedding? Oh, boy.

It takes a long time.

They try and schedule a time to talk about it, but it never works. They always have a bust, or a family emergency, or a friend emergency, or a Kevin emergency. There’s always something.

So, they plan as they go. One day they have a bust in Chelsea, which just happens to be next door to a stationary store. When they finish the bust, Erin and Patty pop in for thirty minutes and decide on their invitations. They promise the shopkeeper they’ll email her the guest list by the end of the week, and then spend the rest of the week scribbling names on napkins or any spare piece of paper they can find. Their final guest list is a mess. There are repeat names, and names they forgot putting on, names they remember last minute. Finally, they are able to send the shopkeeper an email with a nice, alphabetically organized list of 250 of their closest family and friends. They also decide on the date randomly. Patty wants a June wedding, and Erin thinks the number seventeen is lucky, so the seventeenth of June it is.

The next thing they have to do is find a venue that will be available on the seventeenth of June. Patty really wants to get married in a church, for historical reasons, and Erin agrees, for traditional reasons. They’re called to St. Patrick’s Cathedral for a bust, and Patty instantly falls in love. While there, she asks the priest about booking a wedding, and he tells her that she’s in luck – June seventeenth is wide open.

(“It’s smart you’re getting married on a Tuesday. Not many people get married on Tuesday.”

“Oh. It’s a Tuesday?”)

When he tells her about the cathedral’s policy of pre-nuptial education courses, Patty hesitates. She wants this, but they’re so damn busy. She can hear Holtz honking the car out in front of the church, waiting for her so they can head to the next bust. She explains how busy they are, how they’re the Ghostbusters. He looks torn, but then tells her that he supposes he can make an exception for the girls who made the organ stop playing Smashmouth’s “All Star” in the middle of every service. She hugs him and thanks him and hurries out the door, promising to call him closer to the wedding with the details.

Of course, when she tells Erin the good news, Erin has concerns. She understands the importance of history for Patty, and she doesn’t mind getting married in a cathedral since it’s still a church, but this cathedral in particular she’s a bit worried about.

“I got slimed there, Patty. A Smashmouth loving ghost slimed me at that cathedral.”

“Honey, no other cathedral is gonna let us marry there without the pre-marriage course thing. They’re making an exception for us! Plus, the date was available because apparently people don’t get married on Tuesday’s!”

“We’re getting married on a Tuesday? You know what, it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to spend my wedding day worried about being slimed. So, unless you can find a way to make sure that doesn’t happen-”

“Done. I’ll do it. Oh, I love you!”

She gives in, though, when Holtz agrees to start working on a special way to slime-proof their dresses. Erin argues that they don’t have dresses yet, but Holtz says it doesn’t matter. She’ll practice on similar material, and have a solution ready by the time they do have dresses.

(She spends months trying to perfect a special serum to repel slime. Nothing works. She combines every chemical she knows, she invents new chemicals. Nothing ever works. After three months, and with the wedding drawing closer, in a fit of insanity she googles “keep water off clothes”. She finds a video of someone rubbing a tea candle over some shoes and then blow-drying it. She tries it on her lace sample, hits it with her manufactured slime. It repels. He tries it with an old dress her aunt once gave her. It makes the fabric a little stiff, but it’s not impossible to move in, and more importantly, the slime repels.

Patty walks into the firehouse one day to see Holtz standing in the far corner of her lab, resting her head against the wall.

“You okay there, baby?”

“It was so simple.”

“Okay, then.”

She stays there all day. Before Kevin goes home, he makes her a hat out of newspaper. “I used to have to do this all the time in school,” he tells her, patting her on the back. He then tells Patty. “You should let Holtz out of her time-out soon. She hasn’t made anything explode in four days. See, I made her a hat.”

Patty tells Holtz she doesn’t have to stay in time-out anymore, which just makes Holtz groan loudly. Patty decides to just leave her be.)

They luck into the flowers just like they lucked into the stationary. They have a bust in a cute little suburban New Jersey neighbourhood, and the owner of the house turns out to be a florist. She shows them a few samples she has around the house, and they agree to let her do it. They give her full artistic licence, with the one exception of no orange. Patty doesn’t care that much, but it’s important to Erin, so she concedes. No orange flowers at their wedding. She thinks it has something to do with Erin’s bad dye job a few years back, but she doesn’t say anything.

The wedding party is easy, too. Erin tells Patty she wants Abby, and Patty says she wants Holtz, and they agree that they don’t need anybody else to stand up with them. Patty knows some of her friends from college and her MTA days are going to be disappointed, but screw them. They aren’t slime-proofing her wedding dress, now are they?

Abby and Holtz agree, of course. Holtz claims she’s going to throw Patty a wild bachelorette party, which Patty highly doubts. Abby promises Erin a simple evening in.

(In the end, Holtz and Patty spend the evening in Holtz’s basement apartment watching romantic comedies she would have never guessed Holtzmann owned. They get buzzed on red wine and eat too much pizza.

Meanwhile, Abby orders an Isaac Newton impersonator that ends up being a stripper. They both get drunk on some leftover vodka Abby has from the last time they all went out (about two years ago), and then decide to go to a club, where someone gives Erin a penis headband. Holtz and Patty find them passed out on some couches in the firehouse, and Kevin wearing the penis headband, which he claims Erin gave him as a present.)

The only other hiccup they have on their way to the altar is Kevin’s insistence on being both flower girl and ring bearer. Apparently he always wanted to be both, but never got the chance since all of his cousins were cuter. The problem is, Patty has already asked her brother’s kids to play the parts. Erin really wants to let Kevin do it, though, and Erin hasn’t made a lot of requests throughout this whole process, so Patty figures out a way.

She tells Kevin he is Captain Flower Girl/Ring Bearer. He will hold one ring in one hand, and a basket of flowers in the other. Her niece and nephew will be with him, but he will be in charge. He seems very pleased with this compromise, and promises to be the best Captain Flower Girl/Ring Bearer they’ve ever seen.

(A week before the wedding Kevin takes a flower crown making class. He insists that he and his co-flower girl should wear flower crowns, and decides to make some for them. Then, he decides he doesn’t want his co-ring bearer to feel left out, so he makes one for him, too. Then, he doesn’t want Patty and Erin to feel left out, so he makes ones for them, too. Then he doesn’t want Abby and Holtz to feel left out, so he makes flower crowns for them, too.

The day of the wedding they meet at the firehouse to get ready and Kevin shows them the flower crowns he’s spent all night making. He places his own on his head, and Patty can see Erin melting.

“Good thing we didn’t buy veils, huh honey?” she says as she places the flower crown on her future wife’s head. Erin looks like a fairy princess with it, and later, at the quiet family-and-wedding-party-only reception they hold, she thanks Kevin for putting in the work. He tells her he just didn’t want anybody to feel left out, and she thanks him again.)

Everything else falls into place rather easily. Turns out Jennifer Lynch plays the piano, so they ask her to play the wedding march. Agent’s Hawkins and Rourke are both ordained, and both desperately want to conduct the ceremony. They can’t decide who gets to do it, so they tell them to just do it together. It turns out that Kevin’s mother is actually a very successful chef at a high class restaurant, so they decide to hold the reception there. And Mayor Bradley knows a bunch of the top designer’s in Manhattan, and all of them are more than willing to design dresses for the women who saved New York City.

By the time they’re finally getting zipped into their dresses, it feels like years have passed since Erin proposed, even though it’s only been about eight months. The dresses are a little stiff, and the flower crown’s have a strong scent, but Patty doesn’t care.

Everything is perfect. It’s the wedding she always dreamed of. Erin is the woman she always dreamed of.

All of the chaos was worth it.

(That is, of course, until they walk out of the church and get bombarded with a wall of bubbles. Apparently they never explicitly forbade Holtz from bringing her bubble machine, which means they may as well have asked her to. Erin gets a bit frustrated at first, but then she can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Patty laughs at Erin’s infectious laughter, then pulls Erin in for a sticky, soapy, laughter-infused kiss.

And of course later, when they get their pictures back from the photographer, they realize the best one is one where they’re surrounded by bubbles, kissing and smiling into each other’s mouths. That one, they decide right then and there, is their favourite.)

#ghostbusters appreciation week #tolbert #patty tolan #erin gilbert #my fic #ghostbusters #**

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wigwurq · 7 years

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WIG REVIEW: STRANGER THINGS 2

Unless you have been living under a rock for the last week, you already know that STRANGER THINGS SEASON 2 DROPPED AND OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!1 It’s been a week and somehow the internet hasn’t imploded over this show so I guess it’s time to talk about the wigs. As with Twin Peaks, I’ll be reviewing each episode as I watch them and adjusting whether the season as a whole wurqs. Let’s get demogorg-going!

CHAPTER ONE : MADMAX

The Duffer Brothers live and breathe 80s nostalgia (obvs) so we open with a rando car chase in Pittsburgh because THE 80S (if the Duffer Bros really wanted to make this 80s accurate, it should have been Detroit or Chicago - THE DEMOGORGON IS IN THE DETAILS, isn’t it?) Anyway, some rando punk burglars are staging a getaway - with the help of some chick who is basically an older, more ethnic Elle. And she’s got a #008 tattooed on her arm. DUN DUN DUN.

Back in Hawkins, it’s a year after Will and Barb (RIP) got trapped in the Upside Down and everyone is doing JUST GREAT AND DON’T HAVE PTSD LET’S JUST LISTEN TO DEVO THANKYOUVERYMUCH. Oh and go to the arcade, where we meet our wiggiest non-wig in this dude eating cheetos and creepily demanding sister dates from Mike.

We also meet Winona Ryder’s new boyfriend, RUDY RUETTIGER (aka Sean Astin)! No wig, but dang HE LOVES MR. MOM AS MUCH AS ME. YES!

Speaking of Winona Ryder, girlfriend got a MUCH better wig than last season. I still don’t know why she needs to wear a wig at all, but I mean…sure? Clearly the wig budget is bigger than last season (if they can afford to license every song of the 80s to play during the episode, they can throw a few bucks at Joyce Byer’s mane, so amen).

Over at the high school, Nancy Wheeler got herself a haircut! She is clearly trying to channel some Jennifer Grey action but much like her body, this hair has no body (get this girl and this hair a sandwich).

Just sayin’…she should have had more of that KFC. Joe Keery’s epic hair remains flawless.

We are also introduced to the major wig of this episode (and likely, this season) in the form of a mulletted new bad boy, BILLY. I love that his name is Billy in a clear homage to Rob Lowe in St. Elmo’s Fire…but only time will tell if he can wail on a saxophone. This wig is…fine? It obviously looks like a wig so already that is a negative. Also I’m guessing everything about this guy is a negative.

Meanwhile, Nancy and Mike’s mom got herself a new ‘do! Welcome to the 80s, GIRLFRIEND! Bye bye Farrah waves, hello BANGS! Mama like. Damn fine wig. Still, why are you voting for Reagan (but of COURSE you are). BOO. #GeraldineFerraro4Ever

Meanwhile, Elle lives! But of course she does. And Millie Bobby Brown got herself a PERM just as the 80s intended.

And she’s living with Sheriff Hopper who took time out of his busy schedule of looking at “poisoned” pumpkins (which is clearly a job for Moana, duh) to take care of Elle. He got hisself a daughter and she got herself a dad! SOBBING.

CHAPTER TWO : TRICK OR TREAT, FREAK

It’s Halloweeeen and of course our favorite foursome dressed up as the Ghostbusters (and NO ONE WANTS TO BE WINSTON). Sadly, they go to the lamest school ever where no one else dresses up for Halloween. BOO indeed!

Will is still seeing some pretty effed up Upside Down visions but more scary: this poor kid had to have a bowl cut in the show and in life! This is the ultimate commitment to your art! Pure terror!

Rudy Reuttiger continues to be our favorite dad, fully committing to vampire hair and teeth and then slow dancing with Winona Ryder to “Islands in the Stream.” DREAMBOAT.

Meanwhile, Elle is getting cabin fever from watching Susan Lucci on TV all day and her hair is looking bigger and curlier than ever! Still, sorry you couldn’t go trick or treating, gurl.

Over at the most 80s teen Halloween party ever, new badboy Billy is suddenly a popular beer chugging sweaty bohunk (who listens to Ted Nugent - yep, this guy is the worst!) Also of course his new pal is dressed as the bad guy from The Karate Kid. 80s VILLAINS CONVERGE!

Meanwhile, Will’s older brother, a so-called purveyor of good musical taste, thinks this chick CLEARLY DRESSED AS SIOUXIE SIOUX is a member of KISS! BLASPHEME! YOU ARE DEAD TO US, JONATHAN!

Oh and Steve and Nancy OBVIOUSLY had a couple’s costume, and one of the most confusing ones EVER. It was confirmed to me later that they were Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay from Risky Business (and not Johnny and June Carter Cash as I had suspected)…but if that is true this costume is AN EPIC FAILURE. Why isn’t Steve just wearing a white shirt and no pants? Why is Nancy’s hair all bouffanted out like June Carter Cash? WHY ISN’T SHE WEARING A BLONDE WIG?!?! WIG FAILURE x100000000. BOO ON YOUR HORRIBLE ATTEMPT AT A POP CULTURAL HALLOWEEN PARTY, DUFFER BROTHERS! THE DEMOGORGON IS IN THE DETAILS! BOO ON YOU!

CHAPTER THREE: THE POLLYWOG

Dustin found a new friend in a trashcan (where all the best friends come from!) and quickly decided that he has discovered a new species which DEFINITELY WON’T MESS ANYTHING UP. Kids, amiright?

Meanwhile, it should be mentioned that Dustin’s mom is played by Netflix MVP Catherine Curtain (our favorite former guard from OITNB). This lady loves cats as much as I do and knows her way around a good Midwest mom wig. Amen.

This episode also gives us some flashbacks to explain how Elle came to live with Hopper. And we get some flashback wigs! As with all men’s wigs, this one sucks. The texture is a nightmare and the back flips up with little assist from this shearling coat.

Elle is definitely getting cabin fever and busts out to see Mike, which she does in the very 5 minutes he happens to be talking to Max (isn’t it always the way?) then totally makes Max ruin her ollie in a jealous rage and hightails it out of there. We’ve all been there, gurl.

Speaking of Max, her awful brother Billy makes some mention of her not actually being his sister . Oh god. HES NOT HER DAD, RIGHT? UGH. Also he continues his reign as a new sweaty bohunk always as he plays mullet basketball with Steve (and of COURSE he’s ‘skins’ not shirts. UGH). Also if you’re gonna be an 80s villain, I guess you should be a pro-sports 80′s villain, right? The demogorgon is in the details (I have a quota to say this once during every episode recap).

Meanwhile, through the power of 80s home video consumerism, Winona Ryder and her slightly better season 2 wig realize that Will’s effed up Upside Down visions might be for reals (thanks, wax paper!) Oh, and thanks for the terrible advice to stand up to demogorgons, RUDY REUTIGGER.

CHAPTER FOUR: WILL THE WISE

Whilst trying to stand his ground against demogorgons, Will gets possessed by one (again, way to go, RUDY!) Winona Ryder’s season 2 wig got a wurqout trying to figure out what the eff is going on with suddenly coldblooded Will and his effed up vine illustrations.

Meanwhile, Nancy and her Jennifer Grey minus the body perm and Jonathan who apparently listens to the Clash (ugh) have staged a stakeout in the most effed up public park ever and it totally worked - bitches got hauled away to Hawkins Labs immediately! There, they totally got Paul Reiser on TAPE saying some shady shit. Side note: is this show just a big commercial for RadioShack?

Back at the high school, apparently the only class is SKINS VS SHIRTS and Billy is king! His horrible mullet wig got a shower which did nothing for it but did lead to some pretty fabulous homoerotic dialogue. Ooh la la. As always, the demogorgon’s in the details.

Billy’s dried off coif looks HORRIBLE IN BACKLIGHTING - major 80s hair fail. This wig blows. Also, NICE CANADIAN TUXEDO.

Oh and Billy is a complete racist who likes to control everything his sister (?) does. Continuing in the long tradition of 80s villains who are just evil for the sake of being evil, Billy joins their lexicon. What are his motivations? WHO KNOWS?! HE’S JUST LIVIN TO BE AN ASSHOLE. Similarly, I would totally approve of this dude playing the James Spader role in a remake of Pretty in Pink. ALSO I TAKE IT BACK: NEVER REMAKE PRETTY IN PINK, PLEASE.

In the end, Elle finds the secret file about her actual family and teleports to see her mama (SOBBING). And, as predicted, that pollywog Dustin found turns out to be a mini demogorgon who eats his cat. (DOUBLE SOBBING). I know y’all are still mourning Barb, but the death of Mews the cat might be the worst thing to ever happen on this show. RIP.

CHAPTER FIVE: DIG DUG

After Mew the cat’s tragic demise (known only to Dustin at this point), his mom continues her frenzied search for her beloved feline and her wig is as frazzled as she is. Still, Dustin’s mom is officially my favorite mom on this show not only because of her kitty love, but because she has a damn Mondale/Ferraro sign in her front lawn (and is apparently the only Hawkins resident not voting for Reagan). The demogorgon is as always in the details. #GeraldineFerraro4Ever

Speaking of demogorgons, note to self: don’t go investigating them in a creepy vine/tunnel by yourself because you’ll probably end up being trapped there alone.

Great work, Hooper.

Luckily Will’s art therapy home installation is about to get the cartographical analysis it needs from Rudy Reuttiger who is back in our good graces after his abysmally bad demogorgon advice.

Winona’s season 2 wig remains shook but hopeful.

There remains to be no hope for Billy’s mullet wig, which took a brief break from skins vs shirts to drive his sister (?) to the arcade where Lucas gave her the 411 on Hawkins’ demogorgon problem.

Speaking of truth quests, Nancy and her no-body perm is on one with the help of Jonathan and apparently their little road trip is so long that they had to spend the night in a hotel for the sole purpose of having this awkward “we’re not gonna do it” scene. Just drive through the night! You’re teenagers!

Speaking of road trips, Elle found her mama! Buuut her mama remains to be a catatonic shell of her former self as does her hair.

I guess if you’re catatonic, hair is the least of your problems, but this coif definitely needs some self-care.

We do get some flashback wig action, and apparently even after having her child stolen away during a Twilight Sleep delivery, Terry Ives was looking pretty fierce in the 70s!

Her sister, Becky, has a much bigger perm than last season and also a much bigger creepy factor. She doesn’t really question Elle’s sudden appearance or the faulty electrical work in her house, or Elle’s Poltergeist TV static communication skills. Maybe she’s just super trusting…or there is a Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? scenario afoot…

CHAPTER SIX : THE SPY

Good news: with the help of Rudy Reuttiger, Hopper got saved from the demogorgon tunnel! Bad news: Will is still possessed/his insides are burning/he has selective memory loss/he might be dying imminently. And Winona’s season 2 wig is PISSED ABOUT IT. She goes into full on Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment mode and demands Hawkins Labs fix her son. Hey, you break it, you buy it.

Meanwhile, Nancy and Jonathan’s super unsexy roadtrip suddenly gets sexy with the help of….a rando crazy wall journalist, and ton of underage vodka drinking, and a bunker with a french-doored guest room. Beyond the inappropriateness of serving copious amounts of booze to teenagers, this creep/amateur Francis Ford Coppola impersonator also fully pimps out his pad for late-night teenage sexcapades. And the following morning has the nerve to ask Jonathan “how was the pull-out?” THIS LINE IS OFFICIALLY THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN ON THE SHOW. YUCK.

Meanwhile, Dustin has gone code red with the disappearance of his now huge pet demogorgon and the only person at his disposal to help is: Steve?!?! Sure. This is bromance is actually the perfect antidote to any Nancy/Jonathan romance grossness. Not only should these guys be bffff, but Steve shares his hair secrets with Dustin and they include Farrah Fawcett hairspray. The demogorgon is always in the details and this one is pure happiness. Never change, you guys and #TeamSteve ALL THE WAY.

Lucas finally gets the code red message and hightails it over to Max’s house for help. Max’s house is basically an extended weight gym for Billy who is pumping iron while blasting Ratt with no adult supervision in sight. ALL 80S VILLIAN STEREOTYPES CONVERGE. Also Billy’s mullet wig is getting sweatier and curlier by the episode but not any better as a wig. However, this week we get a glimpse of one dangly earring which confirms his homage to Billy in St. Elmo’s Fire. We still need for him to wail on a saxophone and make jokes about Mare Winningham’s underwear for the homage to be complete, however. Oh also, Max’s big family secret is: her parents are divorced! DUN DUN DUN.

Anyway, back at the old junkyard, Dustin, Steve, Max and Lucas spread around a ton of raw meat and gasoline and wait and see what happens (WHAT A PLAN!) Steve, the most popular guy in high school until that sweaty bohunk Billy showed up, seems unfazed by hanging out with two nerdy middle school guys and a “random girl” but does get a little too cocky when he breaks out of the bus to confront the demogorgons hisself. Also I’m pretty sure the Duffer Bros are trying to turn Steve into Michael J. Fox this season because he’s definitely wearing the same Nike shoes he does in Back to the Future and also OF COURSE THEY ARE. Also between Steve’s nail bat and Negan’s barbed wire bat on The Walking Dead, baseball is officially dead to me.

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE LOST SISTER

Our girl Elle who is now going by her birth name, Jane, explains to her weird Aunt Becky what she saw in her Poltergeist shapeshift into her mama’s subconscious and while weird Aunt Becky finally decides to call someone about the rando tween that showed up at her house, Elle/Jane stole some dough and booked it out of there in search of her “sister”, another stolen girl who was experimented on at Hawkins Lab. Cue your least favorite Bon Jovi song and some POV shots of Chicago at night and suddenly we’re in every 80s teen movie ever shot in a city (the city was always Chicago).

Just beyond that building from Adventures in Babysitting and some trashcan fires (the demogorgon is always in the details) she is reunited with her “sister” Kali who you might remember from Chapter One of this season and her gang of misfit PUNKS!!!!!!!!

Basically these randos are every stereotypical punk who was featured in 5 seconds-50 minutes of any 80s teen movie. White chick with a pseudo Cyndi Lauper ‘do, oversized bow and faux prep school look: CHECK! Kinda angry black chick still rockin’ a power ‘fro and 70s military duds: CHECK! Super angry white dude with an x-treme dyed mohawk, face piercings, dog collar, and a switchblade: CHECK! Looks angry black dude in black bomber coat described as a “teddy bear”: CHECK! Ethnic chick with tons of black eyeliner, asymmetrical half-shaved hair wearing an oversized coat, combat boots and fingerless gloves: CHECKCHECKCHECK! This is a perfect assemblage of PUNKS that would fit in perfectly at the most 80s punk party EVER. The Duffers outdid themselves here. As for wig quality? I mean….it’s about as good as the hair in that punk party link so I’ll give it an amen.

But what is the deal with these PUNKS anyway? Turns out that they’re not just stealin’ stuff to buy hair products and living in a cool warehouse that could easily double for the digs on any season of Real World. Led by Kali, they track down and murder former employees of Hawkins Lab (and also steal stuff - hair products ARE VERY EXPENSIVE!) Kali helps Elle/Jane tap into her rage so that she can move stuff and whatever. Here, Elle/Jane totally moved a big train for no reason! Way to go?

Most importantly, these PUNKS give Elle/Jane a PUNK MAKEOVER! Thanks to a gallon of black eyeliner and hair gel, a pop-collared oversized coat, french-cuffed jeans and white kicks, she magically transforms into Dave Vanian (lead singer for The Damned duh!) While she could easily use her newfound LEWK to front a cool band, she instead leads the PUNKS to one of the former labworker’s houses.

There, the sisters in their cool duds debate whether to let this dude live or die (Elle/Jane says nope after discovering the dude has some kids). And honestly, maybe y’all should just…go start a band instead? In the end, the cops bust in on the PUNKS’ digs and Elle/Jane buses it back to Hawkins.

The internet super hated this episode for a number of reasons: it’s pointless, it feels like one of those episodes where a popular show tries to incubate a spin-off of new characters (never to be seen again!), Elle/Jane is helped by her cool ethnic sister only to leave her behind, thus fulfilling the “magical negro” trope, her sister also helps her tap into her anger to better fuel her skills only to abandon them when it counts so all in all…it’s pointless. These are all valid points and I get it but I still liked this episode because any opportunity to enjoy silly 80s PUNK stereotypes is an hour well lived.

EPISODE EIGHT: THE MIND FLAYER

Back in Hawkins, the lab is undergoing a teeny weeny bit of trouble ever since Will’s shadow monster tricked everyone into letting all the demogorgons loose and basically everyone is maybe about to die. Winona Ryder’s season 2 wig is NOT ABOUT TO LET THAT HAPPEN so just like FIGURE IT OUT, PAUL REISER.

Paul Reiser does NOT really figure it out but Rudy Reuttiger is ON IT because he knows basic (in the computer sense that is). Pretty soon Rudy is realizing that admitting you know basic is like admitting you can type - DON’T DO IT OR YOU WILL PROBABLY BE KILLED BY A DEMOGORGON.

Bob is absolutely killed by a demogorgon (after saving everyone!), thus fulfilling the internet’s need for Bob to be the new Barb. #RipBob #RipBarb

Meanwhile, everyone’s least favorite skins vs shirts player, Billy, is gettin’ hisself ready for a hot date (who is the lucky lady????) He sprays some random hairspray on this disgusting mullet (definitely NOT Farrah Fawcett hairspray), sprays some cologne down his pants and he’s READY! This dude’s wig looks worse every single time I see it but I do have to throw some respect this character’s way for having a TANK poster in his room (the demogorgon is always in the details). Also why does every room in this house have a fireplace?

No time for questions! Billy’s dad is home and he is every 80s villain dad combined - an abusive, violent, terribly mustachioed monster. And now we get it! Villains beget villains; violence is learned at home. It’s all a cycle. Demogorgons, please kill this dude first.

Back at home, Winona Ryder’s season 2 wig is an EFFING MESS and so is she. Shadow monster, get out of Will already!

The only solution seems to be making a hostage barn for Will’s Shadow Monster and we learn two important things: interrogation lighting makes Will’s bowl cut look shiny and lustrous and also Will knows morse code! CLOSE THE GATE, Y’ALL!

WHO ON EARTH CAN CLOSE THE GATE?!?!?!

Oh, right: Elle/Jane. Duh.

CHAPTER NINE: THE GATE

Elle/Jane’s sudden appearance RIGHT AT THE PERFECT MOMENT leads to a bunch of mushy reunion hugs, all of which are delivered while Elle/Jane still has a bloody nose. If you really loved her, GIVE HER A DAMN TISSUE! Anyway, after everyone has a lot of FEELINGS, a plan is made: Elle/Jane and Hooper will go to the lab to close the gate and Winona Ryder’s season 2 wig will take Will and Jonathan to Hooper’s cabin to break Will’s Shadow Monster virus with all of the heat necessary. Sounds legit!

Steve, our new favorite character and sudden nice guy apologizes to Nancy and her new curly up-do for abandoning her drunken ass at the Halloween party and tells her to go to Hooper’s cabin with Jonathan. If this means more time for Steve and Dustin’s bromance, so be it!

Meanwhile, Nancy’s mom is taking some time out of her busy schedule of allowing her kids to disappear for days on end while she daydrinks white wine to have some ME TIME in a bubble bath reading a romance novel. Calgon, take me away! This up-do is even better than Nancy’s and the best Nancy’s mom’s wig has ever looked. Sadly, someone has the audacity to ring her doorbell just as she’s truly weewaxing and her good-for-nothing husband is out-cold sleeping in the study! UGH. WHO ON EARTH COULD BE AT THE DOOR?!

OOH-LA-LA! Don’t you love it when you’re reading about an oily bohunk and then one just shows up? And uses the dumbest line ever and asks if you’re Nancy’s sister, not mom?

I think Nancy’s mom got her groove back! Does this mean she’ll finally abandon her Reagan supporting, constantly napping older husband? Only time will tell but girl, your wig looks GOOD.

Thanks for the cookie, Nancy’s mom. Billy’s mullet still looks TERRIBLE.

Billy’s mullet then hightails it over to the Byers residence where he and Steve have a skins vs shirts rematch battle thus ensuring that Winona Ryder’s house is completely trashed at least once every season of this show. Steve puts up an admirable fight but he’s no match for Billy’s violent assholery. Also way to go doing nothing: Mike, Lucas and Dustin! The only one able to stop Billy is his sister (?) Max who sedates him with some of Will’s conveniently accessible sedatives and then threatens him with Steve’s nail bat. Max is the new Negan! All hail! Also Billy’s character never amounted to ANYTHING and we never got to see him wail on a sax so: missed opportunities all around.

Over at Hopper’s cabin, Winona’s season 2 wig is getting all kinds of swampy in the sweat lodge they’ve created to exorcise the shadow monster out of Will. What a MESS.

Meanwhile, Steve comes to in Billy’s car which is being driven by Max (and yes, we see the Indiana Jones reference, Duffer Bros!) and despite probably having a concussion from being wailed on by Billy, goes into the demogorgon vine tunnel to burn out some demodogs. This is where Stranger Things achieves peak Goonies status.

Anyway, back at Hawkins Lab, Paul Reiser is totally still alive (yay?) and Elle/Jane is able to harness her anger just like her sister helped her to do and close the damn gate. Now will someone PLEASE GET HER A TISSUE?!

A month later, it’s Christmastime (because just like now, the 80s skips straight from Halloween to Christmas). Everyone is doing GREAT YOU GUYS. Dustin’s mom got a new cat (Mews 2.0) and he got hisself some Farrah Fawcett hairspray! Can this show actually bring back this product? I feel like it has the power to do so.

Anyway, the hairspray of hairgod Steve transforms Dustin into THIS! YES! I have no idea why Steve drives Dustin to the Snow Ball but logic went out the window years ago with this show. I guess they just still have a bromance, which does warm my heart and #TeamSteve always.

Anyway, inside the Snow Ball, Lucas successfully dances with Max, who is wearing a striped velour shirt and burnt sienna corduroy PANTS to a semi-formal - ok gurl you officially won me over. Also some rando girl asks Will to dance and even though she calls him zombie boy, it’s nice.

Sadly, no one wants to dance with Dustin and his duckie shoes (officially best 80s movie reference - the demogorgon is always in the details). Dustin 4Ever and all you Hawkins Middle School girls can fall into the upside down for not wanting to dance with him!

Luckily, Nancy is inexplicably chaperoning the dance and comes to Dustin’s rescue. Her up-do HAS NEVER LOOKED BETTER! Her no-body perm FINALLY GETS BODY! HALLELUJ! Also just look at the meeting of these two hairdos. Magic.

In the end, Jane (who is officially Jane now because Paul Reiser gave Hooper some official birth certificates about it - vegetable mom be damned!) shows up to dance with Mike because OF COURSE SHE DOES. Her hair is sort of a gelled down combo of curly and sleek and...ok? All these Snow Ball hair lewks are wigless anyway since no one wants Billy’s mullet to chaperone anything. And it is because of this awful mullet and Winona’s season 2 wig that I have to say.....

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

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