A garland, quick, I’m dying! Weave it now, sing and moan and sing! For shadows my throat are clouding and again the January light comes in.

Trembling bushes and the air of stars lie between your love and mine, a dense mass of anemones picks up an entire year with a muffled moan.

Revel in the open country of my wound, break apart its reeds and delicate rivulets, drink from my thigh my pouring blood.

But be quick! And then, together entwined, with love-broken mouths and frayed souls time will find us utterly destroyed.

- Sonnet of the Garland of Roses, Sonnets of Dark Love, Federico Garcia Lorca

Tipsy Nights and Heart Eyes // Changbin

prompt: You’re an emotional drunk and really really love your boyfriend (so fluffy it’s ridiculous + ot9!crack)  1.7k

bc I’m always an embarrassing drunk and our boys are the sweetest ever

-mads<3

“So that’s why I believe that the BBC should continue to be licence-free instead of switching to the state for its income.” I nodded along with my colleague, hoping my face didn’t show my internal screaming that had continued throughout the whole riveting 20-minute conversation. I smiled gratefully when he said he was going to go find an intern he wanted me to meet, and I only just managed to stop myself from bolting out the door. 

Why the hell I agreed to go to this stupid office party I had no idea. Well, actually, it was probably because everyone at the office thought I was no fun. What they didn't know is that I am also defensive as hell, so damn right I stormed into this packed club 30 minutes late, wearing the sparkliest dress I could find and ready to party. However, the night didn't turn out to be as wild as I thought. A colleague had latched onto me early on, boring me half to death and barely letting me get a word in. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him return with a reluctant looking intern in tow. I looked from them to the group of colleagues doing shots in the corner, weighed up my options, and bolted towards the drunken huddle. 

That’s how I ended up 20 minutes later, downing my 5th shot of some neon alcohol, singing an out-of-tune ABBA song and trying very hard not to fall off my bar-stool. My bemused eventually colleagues decided, much to my complaints, that they should probably call me a taxi. I managed to mumble out my boyfriend’s number, and only caught the beginning of the phone call before I was dragged away by our very funny, yet very drunk receptionist to dance. We danced and danced, cheered on by the rest of the club-goers, and for the first time in a long while, I felt relaxed and happy in front of my coworkers. I was so happy in fact, that I was about to attempt a cartwheel when I felt a soft hand clasp the wrists of my raised arms. I turned round to find the amused, yet concerned face of my boyfriend, who I was so happy to see that I immediately wrapped my arms around him, before peppering kisses all over his face. When he overcame the shock, he chuckled, and after grabbing my hands again, whispered in his familiar honey-like voice;

“I think it’s time to get you to bed love, before anyone gets seriously injured.”

I pouted but allowed him to pull me towards the door. As we passed them, I mumbled some sort of farewell to my colleagues, who for once, looked sad to see me leave and cheered me on as I clumsily left the club, but not before I gave them one last air punch as I exited the door. Changbin wrapped his arms securely around my waist and shoulders while I rested my head in the crook of his neck as he walked -more like dragged- me back to his car. I hardly had my seatbelt on when I felt all my giddy drunkness start to evaporate, leaving behind a wave of tiredness. Through my half-shut eyes, I saw Changbin look over at my suddenly crumpled state, letting out a chuckle before he began to reverse out of his parking space and head home.

‘You look super pretty, by the way.’

I smiled as I shut my eyes, the sounds of the car engine and Changbin’s soft humming lulling me to sleep. I was only half-awake when I felt my car door open and Changbin reach across me to unbuckle my seatbelt before helping me out the car. Managing to open my eyes, I quickly realised that no, this wasn't my apartment block, but the dorms. I opened my mouth to object but he seemed to read my mind, as always.

“No, I’m not leaving you at your apartment just because I have work tomorrow. My girlfriend can’t even walk straight, of course, I'm not going to just ditch her.”

My heart swelled at his words, and that was promptly followed by a very strong urge to throw up. Luckily we managed to reach the dorm without any incidents, except an encore of the ABBA songs from myself.

We passed a shocked looking Woojin as we tumbled into the living room, and I was promptly ushered to the sofa and told to sit down to wait for Changbin to find my pjs, and at this point, I was more sleepy than anything else, so I did so without much protest. My eyes were once again half-shut when I felt a soft blanket get tucked around me, and the sofa dip next to me. I opened my eyes and did slightly over-dramatic gasp as I saw Jeongin giving me a shy smile, looking slightly wary due to my drunken state. 

“And what do you think of you’re doing this up late young man?” I attempted to use my best mom voice, trying my best to remain stern even though I was pretty sure I added in a few unnecessary words just there.

Jeongin just gave me a sheepish smile and walked away, probably feeling a bit awkward, leaving the newly arrived Hyunjin and Jisung laughing their asses off on the sofa opposite me. I frowned, before attempting to throw a cushion at them. Obviously, I failed miserably, only adding to their giggle fit. I was preparing my second pillow attack when I felt someone gently grab my arm and lower it. I looked up and saw a rather blurry Woojin. Once my eyes caught up I notice he had a cup of steaming tea in his hand, which he gently set down on the coffee table in front of me. 

‘Here, for the headache you’re gonna have in about 4 hours.” He held out a couple advils, which I took with a big gulp of tea. I immediately screamed like a little bitch when I realised how damn hot the tea was, once again setting off the giggle twins in the corner, who I'm pretty sure were filming me now. Woojin looked concerned, rushing away to fetch some cold water as I whined, but I'm pretty sure I saw him biting back a laugh. A few minutes later I was curled up on the sofa, with a now thankfully lukewarm cup of tea, surrounded by fluffy blankets, and pretty much most of the boys who were probably waiting to see what dumb thing would come out my drunk mouth next.

They probably didn't expect me to burst into tears.

“Y-you’re all just so n-nice!!! I’m sorry for never really speaking to you, I r-really love you all so much and oh my god you’re just so nice! Jeongin you’re now my son so you ever need anything just ca-” My drunken sobs were cut short by Changbin’s arms wrapping around me and lifting me up princess style up off of the sofa while I sniffed pathetically. I caught a glimpse of the group of very confused and concerned boys behind us, and fortunately so did Changbin.

“Don't worry, shes just an emotional-ass drunk. I got it from here. Come on princess weirdo, I think it’s time for bed.”

He gently sat me down on the bed and began wiping off what was left of my makeup with a wet wipe as I sniffed and babbled on like a damn toddler.

“Your friends are the best.”

“I know.” He smiled gently, finishing with the wipe and helping me into my cosy pjs.

“Like the best best. Especially Woojin. I’m sorry I cried but he brought me TEA! I had no choice!” I exclaimed, getting slightly emotional again.

“Hey now, I thought I was the best best, should I be worried?” He pouted adorably at me, but I could see the hint of humour in his eyes. 

“No no no. You’re the best best best. My cutie-pie. My little cutie pie honey bun.” This got a full-on laugh from Changbin, and I even detected a hint of rosiness on his cheeks, and I forgot that sober yn is never really one for pet names. He tried his best to hide his blush as he climbed into bed and lifted the covers and tucked us both in. I sighed contentedly as I lay down on his chest with his arms wrapped firmly around my torso, and decided to deem the night an overall success. Before I drifted off to sleep, I heard him whisper softly,

“Okay, Princess. I'm your honey bun.”

Bonus 

“Morning sunshine.” I stirred as I heard Changbin mumble in my ear, before peppering my face with kisses. I smiled and began to open my eyes, noticing the cute little breakfast laid out on the bedside table, but then the headache hit.

“Morni- ohhhhhmygodmfhgf” I smashed my head back into the pillow and winced at the searing pain behind my eyes. I heard a tiny chuckle come from my boyfriend, causing me to reach my arm out to hit his shoulder for laughing at my pain.

“What did I do last night?” I asked once I could think straight again. I was greeted with silence, which I took as a bad sign.

“Oh no. It was bad, wasn't it?” I groaned, finally opening my eyes fully to see my Changbin biting back a smile.

“Well, you sang ABBAs entire discography, almost gave yourself a head injury, burnt your tongue, tried to attack Jisung and Hyunjin, cried for a bit, called me your cutie pie honey bun and then snored like an old man all night, but overall not your worst.”

I facepalmed, already cringing at the conversation I was bound to have with the rest of the boys.

Changbin laughed at my reaction, and I couldn't help but laugh along with him. He took me in his arms again and cuddled us both back up in his soft blankets.

“Hey don’t feel too bad, I heard you were super popular with Jisung’s snapchat followers.”

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?