#im so upset i got sick this month ive had so little time and energy to write | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

abcdosaka · 1 year

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i have not posted on here in a while. idk various things have happened. but heres the most recent stuff.

this is sorta fresh (literally 2 days ago) but im mostly over it i think? i made a hinge account and briefly talked to this girl and i liked talking to her but i think i just dont know how to rizz someone up, or maybe ik and i dont have the courage to do it so i gotta play nice girl from the start. and i think our second phone call i was just kinda lacking in energy and i wasn’t texting her too often either. but at the end of it she was like lets just be friends going forward.

i havent really had any experiences before, like real ones where i was the one initiating everything, so it hurt, kinda like getting rejected for a job interview. i was like ig im just not outgoing or funny or charming enough but damn we talked like twice on the phone, we never even met up, that quick huh.

tbh i think i initiated slightly more and she was less interested and she also made it pretty clear she wasnt sure about getting into a relationship. idk its not worth analyzing. we do have a lot of similar tastes but if she wants to be friends she has to initiate and i might blow her off anyway i dont feel like talking to her anymore lol. or maybe ill respond but just really slowly. ik its giving nice guy/friendzoned. ehhh i might respond she was nice/friendly enough i just need time to get over it fully. i think this is a lets see how im feeling in a week situation. to be fair sometimes good friendships pop up out of bad experiences for me like i thought D was a huge dick when i first met him but we got along well for the time we knew each other

idk i would rather have someone who knows what they want and is certain about it too. but in the first place i dont even want to talk to ppl like its such a hassle texting randoms multiple days in a row. i got a couple other likes and i just ignored them. ive ghosted two ppl bc i just was sick of the texting going nowhere.

tbh i think im just sad bc my ego’s a little bruised. but idk that happens to me easily like applying for a job sucks and it hurts to get rejected and having a job kinda sucks too but its required. relationships, kinda the same but i dont think its required? they never seemed that great or fun or loving to me, prob bc my parents hated each other for 90% of my childhood. even when i see relationships in fiction im like oh cute but idk if i really need that.

im more upset that i dont really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. and im upset s didnt wanna meet over reading week. like besties for 10 years but you couldnt free up a space for me even tho i asked like 3 weeks ago. idk if i can even call us besties. i used to be so insecure abt what kinda friendship we had but now im kinda sick of this. maybe i should ask. i kinda hate feeling needy or sounding clingy though. idk i was pretty friendly in my response

she didnt even receive it T_T

idk she hasnt responded to any messages frequently for the past month so shes probably really busy but ugh i fucking hate this. i just wish she’d check in for once like “hey sorry ive just been really busy the past month and havent had the energy or time to respond but hopefully ill have some time soon”. cuz the thing is its kinda typical of her to flake/be distant/antisocial. like after we graduated hs she ignored my messages for a month and she promised not to do that again. and when we hung out for the last time before i moved for uni she overslept and i think shes done that two or three times since. its really frustrating when we dont get to see each other than often. so if i ask her its gonna be like this is an isolated incident but its not and im prob not gonna see her again after i graduate uni bc i wanna move across the country. and we almost never call bc everytime i ask she doesnt want to. i think thats just her hating calling but how tf else are we supposed to stay in contact when we live in different cities??? and texting for hours on end is fking annoying? same difference ik a bit hypocritical there but also, calling means u can multitask but texting means u have to focus solely on texting unless you wanna respond every 2 hours or even worse, every 5 minutes, theres no flow unless you pay full attention to texting.

and the thing that sucks even harder. is that we had a mutual friend, j, who was her BESTIE for middle school and almost all of highschool. (i had a crush on this chick btw but never told her and i kinda stopped talking to her in senior year). and j did the same fucking thing like she decided she didnt wanna talk to people she knew before highschool anymore and basically just slowly cut s out of her life. and s was so upset abt it she told me abt it a lot

see the thing is if i do confront her about ALL of this, i think its gonna go the worst way possible. like we will slowly drift apart and im gonna lose my closest friend who probably doesnt even consider me at least one of her closest friends. and then im fucked. i mean im not fucked but im starting from ground zero.its really hard not having someone you know you can rely on. altho maybe shes not the most reliable and ive been coping by pretending im independent and dont need anyone for emotional shit. maybe im just catastrophizing. like on one hand, i truly am unsure enough abt our friendship that idk if she’d make an effort after i move real far. but on the other hand i am a known pessimist and i suck at this people bullshit. so idk if i should ask or not.

ugh i shouldnt have wrote this. i was like “if i go in depth on this post i wont be able to stop and then im gonna cry and i dont wanna cry. i should try to keep it light.” like lol. at least it was good practice for typeracer. im gonna do one race and go to sleep. this is frustrating

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babysizedfics · 4 years

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I need to know about doctor mama lo taking care of a sick baby Virgil if you would like pretty please. I dont wanna ask on the in character blog cuz I feel like it would be weird to ask for details and lo seems kinda busy anyway lol.

hey tumblebee!! yeah yeah lets do this, Im gonna write it so that ppl who dont follow the other blog can understand too

WARNING IF U HAVENT ALREADY BLOCKED THE TAGS ILLNESS TW AND VOMIT TW THEY ARE VERY PREVALENT IN THIS

also this is a VERY long headcanon!!

so last night vee got ill, he had been regressed in the afternoon with patton and he was acting much more fussy than usual - not being entertained by his cartoons, not having the energy to play with his rattle, pretty much constantly whining and pouting and he gets very wriggly when he's fussy

patton assumed it was because vee had been upset earlier that day. at one point vee started gripping his stomach, and patton assumed its because he was hungry and could smell the food roman was cooking

but when dinner came around no matter how hard patton tried he couldnt get vee to eat a morsel - he kept turning his head away from the food and whining. at one point patton and logan both managed to convince him to eat a spoonful but his face crumpled with a wince and it looked almost painful for him to swallow it. it was at this point logan noticed he had a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead

things fell into place quickly after that - logan checked his temperature and it was indeed slightly higher than was healthy, they noticed vee's hands were trembling and he was constantly on the verge of tears :(

while patton cleared away dinner and excused roman who wanted to go and craft in his room, logan took vee to his bedroom and tried to check for more symptoms, since vee was non verbal and unresponsive totheir questions. he tested his tummy by pushing it a little to see if the pain got worse when he released it (this is a test for appendicitis) but there was no reaction thankfully except vee being upset by logan not cuddling him. he checked his throat for any redness or infection, nothing.

vee's crying became more pronounced and eventually he was in constant tears, occassionally pleading 'mama mama' through sniffles and hiccups and whines of pain :(( Patton brought him a baby bottle of cooled tea made with fresh mint leaves since that is supposed to help stomach pains. though he left the room again since logan thought it was best not to crowd virgil. Vee's crying had dissipated but he was strangely silent and seemed almost loopy now. he only drank a little of the tea before he pushed it away with a gag.

logan immediately took him to the bathroom knowing what was coming, and sure enough vee threw up into the toilet, crying between gags. logan dutifully managed to keep vee in his lap the whole time and held his hair and rubbed his back, telling him he was such a good boy the whole time

Thankfully it didnt last long as there wasnt much in vees stomach to be emptied. he was shivering and sweating and flushed and had lost all energy. he wasnt even crying anymore, just whimpering under his breath. with a bit of a struggle logan managed to show him how to rinse his mouth out with mouthwash - though he had to hold vee over the sink and pat his back to make sure he didnt swallow it

during all of this patton wasnt able to help because of his heightened empathy, if he sees someone throwing up the likeihood is he will too and that wiuldnt be very helpful! so instead he drives to the store to pick up some medicine and ice pops - and comes back with half the store including some actual baby medicine smh - ((im actually begging u to read that linked post i think its so funny))

it was originallly meant to be logans night to put roman to bed but understandably patton took on that task instead. after roman was drifting off patton pokes his head into vee's room. he had hoped to find lo and vee asleep but they werent. they were lying in the dark with an in the night garden audio story playing on a portable speaker and with vees salt lamp and star night light lighting up the room in a soft glow.

logan offered a strained little smile and nod to patton as he stroked vee's hair and cuddled him close. vee was completely out of it honestly. his body was wholly lax against his mama, his lips were in a permanent pout and his eyes were puffy and wet. he barely even acknowledged his papa coming in, his teary eyes just settled on him for a moment then dropped back to the bedsheets without a reaction. he kept lifting his thumb up to suck on it but logan kept capturing it and apologising as he brought it away. Vee shouldnt suck on his thumb and logan doesnt want to give him a paci while he's ill. understandably, baby vee was completely miserable.

patton asks if logan thinks vee could handle a popsicle or plain crackers at the moment but logan disagrees. he doesnt expect either of them to get much sleep so he will make sure vee eats something in a few hours. with a gentle kiss on vee's forehead patton goes off to bed, confident that logan will be able to look after vee and will come get him if theres any issues

logan and vee really dont sleep much at all. Vee drifts off for a few minutes at a time then gasps awake from vivid fever dreams. logan keeps ice cubes in a bowl by the bed for vee to suck on if he needs to cool down and wraps a couple in a flannel to press to vee's head when his fever rises in the middle of the night.

around 3am logan jolts awake and realises he had drifted off. and vee isnt anywhere in the room. he panics momentarily, bolting up from the bed and dashing to the closet to see if virgil is in there - which he tends to do when he is overwhelmed - but then he hears sniffling from the bathroom.

he finds vee, no longer regressed, curled up against the side of the bathtub with his bangs clinging to his sweaty head. vee is the palest person logan knows but he looks positively grey at the moment

'can i help in any way?' he asks, aware that he doesnt need to baby talk at the moment but still eager to look after this bundle of miserableness

virgil just groans under his breath and clutches his knees to his chest. 'i.. i didnt know what to do with the..' he gestures vaguely to something on the floor

logan notices virgil, being not regressed anymore, had obviously wrestled off the diaper he had been changed into the night before and not known how to dispose of it

'its ok, ive got it' logan wraps it up in a bag and puts it in the trash can they have in the room for just this purpose

'sorry.. m stupid' virgil croaks

'You're not stupid.' logan says firmly as he washes his hands 'You're ill and probably delirious from the fever. it's alright virgil'

theres quiet for a bit longer, virge's head pressed against the porcelain edge of the bathtub likely in an attempt to cool his fever. logan stays there with him for a while just waiting. then suddenly virgil starts sobbing and buries his face in his hands.

'sweetheart, tell me whats wrong please' logan hurries to kneel beside him, lifting his hands away from his face. that wouldnt help the fever

'i dont feel well' virgil cries pathetically, tears rolling down his face.

logans heart breaks 'no, you dont. i'm sorry little one, i know its not nice'

at the nickname virgils thumb raises to his lips again, which logan hurriedly intercepts. 'i'll make you a deal, okay? you're allowed to use a pacifier, but you have to use the same one everyday until you are better. we will need to sterilise it every night too.'

vee sniffles and nods, then chokes 'm not a baby right now though'

'that doesnt matter. you dont need to be regressed to want one of your pacis, vee'

vee is unresponsive and starts scratching at his pyjama pants. logan gets a feeling he isnt saying something. then he notices virgil's pout is much more infantile than his adult ones. 'are you feeling little, baby?'

with a harsh shake of his head vee starts crying again. he whispers 'dont wanna be a b...' then cuts himself off and whimpers

logan cards his fingers through virgils damp bangs. he knows what virgils mind has jumped to. 'were you going to say you dont want to be a baby?' he lifts virgils chin up to look at him 'or that you dont want to be a burden?'

virgils pale lip wobbles 'same fing'

'no sweetheart, no no no,' logan sits on the tiles beside vee and pulls him into his lap. virgil goes willingly. logan rocks his baby as he says 'youre always always allowed to be a baby and its never ever going to upset your family. even if you're an adorable wonderful brave baby boy alllll of the time' he scribbles his finger on virgils rosy cheek and delights at the tiny smile it earns him. 'but especially when you're feeling yucky. you feel a bit yucky today dont you, little one?'

vee nods with a pout

'but yknow whats not yucky? softies and pacis and diapers and lots and lots of cuddles with mama' he holds virgil tighter to prove his point. vee sighs and drops his head to nuzzle against his mama's neck. logan feels he still has a slight fever. 'i know what might help you feel less yucky. does my sweet baby want a sweet ice pop?'

thankfully vee nods against his shoulder and grips tight onto his pyjama shirt, preparing for when logan lifts him up

he first makes sure to change vee into another diaper and even decides that he should wear one of mama's t-shirts as a light dress so he doesnt get as overheated by his pyjamas. at this point vee actually giggles for the first time pretty much all day as he feels the tshirt swish lazily around his legs. logan makes a mental note to observe whether little vee might want to try wearing dresses if the feeling sparks this much joy (at this point logan is unaware that vee has secretly been trying skirts and dresses in his room for months, and roman found out a few weeks ago, but vee isnt ready to tell the cgs yet)

by the time vee is in his diaper and mamas tshirt dress and has a paci and jiji clutched to his chest he is a lot calmer and happier. he's still very ill and exhausted and teary, but theres a tiny smile on his face instead of a pout. in the kitchen he picks a strawberry ice pop and it goes down well, logan convinces him to have a cracker too though vee is in such a young headspace by then that he is just sucking on it, which logan supposes is fine too

by the (real) morning vee is still regressed and has managed to have a couple hours undisturbed sleep. its not much but its better than nothing. logan didnt fare much better. by then vee misses his papa and asks for him and logan hands the responsibility over to papa patton, trustinf the other caregiver enough to catch up on a quick power nap himself

but yes, the main thing is vee thought being ill was a burden enough that he shouldnt be regressed too, but logan makes him see that its okay. vee is regressed pretty much the whole time he is ill over the next few days because its stressful and painful and its a lot easier to feel comforted when ur a baby

yeah! gosh that was long, theres probably a billion spelling mistakes! feel free to ask follow up Qs if i missed anything u wanted to know abt this event

#little/big concepts #illness tw #vomit tw #food mention #long post #asks #tumblebee the smol bean

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benhardyisdaddy · 5 years

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Love Of My Life - Part 5

MASTERLIST

(hi guys this part is really heart wrenching so im sorry)

Word Count: 1,850

John was given six months. It was as if he had an expiration date hanging over his head. He had six months to live. Six months to listen to music. Six months to laugh. Six months to be with you. He was taking all of this much better than you were. You were an absolute mess. Your husband was sick and all you wanted was to help him, but you can’t. And of course, John tried as much as he could to not be a burden on you, but a week after you all left the hospital, was when he was bedridden. He couldn’t walk as much, only to the bathroom and back. His energy had been taken away from him and you tried everything in your power to get it back for him. The only thing that had helped him a little bit, to make him feel normal, was sex. Even then, you had to be on top, which he hated. The sickness had hit him hard and fast and with really no warning, besides the fainting. Your best friend was hurting and you wish it could be you.

One evening, you were walking around the house doing some light chores. You walked into your bedroom and smile at John as he looks up to you quickly. He was sat up in bed with a pen in his hand. You looked at the piece of paper in his lap and raised a brow.

“What’re ya doin’, handsome?” you ask.

He giggles and shrugs as he continues to write.

“Just writing something.” he responds.

You smile to him and leave to allow him to concentrate. It made you happy that he was focused on something, other than laying in bed and… Dying. You finish picking up the house as you make your way back to the bedroom. John had placed what he was working on in his bedside drawer and closed it. You slide onto the bed and crawl up to him. He opens his arms as you rest your head on his chest and his arms curl around you. You wanted to do exactly this for the rest of your life, but you were on borrowed time. John kisses your head as you close your eyes and sink into him. He begins humming a song and you smile.

“I love you,” you whisper to him.

John pauses and leans his head against yours.

“I love you more.” he whispers back.

He continues humming and rubbing your arm until you drift off to sleep. No matter what, John always made sure you were happy.

***

It’s been three months and your nerves were on edge. Everything kept going downhill and every day was a constant battle between if you were going to wake up with your husband or not. When the two of you weren’t spending time together, John was engulfed in his writing. You always asked to see what they were, but he said it was surprise.

“Why can’t I read?” you ask him with a pout on your face.

John looks to you and can’t help but smile.

“I promise that I’ll let you read them eventually, okay?”

The conversation was then quickly over when John had one of his bad coughing fits. The coughing would exhaust him and he would have to lay down and rest. You kiss his cheek and watch as he falls asleep. Every time he closes his eyes always scared you. Would they ever open up again? You watch him for a moment until there’s a knock at your front door. You gently stand up from the bed and make your way to the living room. You open the door and there stood was Roger.

“Hi,” he says, smiling.

You smile and take a step back, allowing him to come inside. He walks in and looks around your home.

“How is he?” he asks.

You shrug and walk to the couch and sit down. Roger follows and sits next to you, turning to face you.

“It’s just gotten worse.” you explain, not able to look at him. “I’m scared, Rog. I can’t lose him.”

Roger scoots forward and wraps his arms around you.

“It’s okay,” he whispers. “I know. It’s okay.”

He holds you for several seconds until you lean away. You wipe your eyes and exhale. You lost count of how many times you have cried these past months.

“He’s been writing,” you say. “He’s been emptying out his heart, yet he won’t let me read them.”

Rog smiles thinking about John writing and looks back to you.

“He has his reasons. Maybe he’s just not finished with them yet.”

You smile to Rog and nod as you hear John mumbling in the bedroom. You both jump up and rush in there. John was looking around the room frantically as he gasped for air. Panic set in as you realize he can’t catch his breath. He begins coughing again and can’t seem to stop. You fly next to him as he grasps at his chest. Roger had his phone pulled out and was on the phone with help.

“John, baby, slow deep breaths.” you remind him.

He closes his eyes and attempts to take in breaths. Before you know it, ambulance sirens were close. You were all going to be headed to hospital once more.

***

John had been given his own room and hooked up once again to wires and IV’s. Seeing him back in the hospital bed had broken your heart. He looked uncomfortable and you wanted to take him away and go back home. Roger didn’t leave your side through this whole time. The same doctor who helped him before had entered the room with a sad look in her eyes.

“You want to pull up a chair-” she goes to say.

“Please just say what you have to say.” you mumble.

She nods her head and looks down for a moment, before looking up to John.

“It’s progressed further than what we thought it would. We’re going to have to keep you here so we can monitor you closely, John.”

You close your eyes and squeeze John’s hand. He couldn’t even go home now. This place was now his home. Everything just kept changing for the worst and you were so upset. Roger watched the two of you as you both got the news. You looked devastated and John looked exhausted.

***

John wasn’t the only one living in the hospital. You made sure to be right next to him no matter what. Roger was a huge help as he ran back and forth to your house and hospital to retrieve items for the two of you. It had been two weeks since he’s been put in the hospital, but it’s felt much longer. You would curl on the bed next to John and read him stories as he held you close. That was your favorite part of the day with him. Most of the day consisted of tests and medicine. It was taking a toll on John and you knew it.

One evening you decided to go to the cafeteria and grab some lunch. Roger was there with you as you stood from the bed and leaned down to kiss John. He cups your face and smiles against you. He was for, some reason, especially tired today. He leans away and runs his thumb over your cheek. Oh, how lucky you were.

“Get something good for me.” he teases.

He was on a strict bland diet and hated the food. You would always sneak him in snacks that he wanted.

“Maybe I’ll sneak you up something again.” you whisper to him.

He laughs and nods his head. He reaches out to grab your hand, pausing you.

“I’m the luckiest man in the whole world.” he starts. “I love you more than anything.”

You sadly smile at him and run your thumb over his chin.

“I know you do, baby. And I love you more than anything.”

He smiles and nods.

“I know. I just needed you to know that. You’re my best friend.”

You grin and lean forward to gently kiss him.

“And you’re mine.”

He leans away and pecks your lips. You walk to his door and turn around to look back at him once more. He smiles to you and holds a thumbs up, an inside joke between you two. You laugh and hold yours up. Roger stands behind you and smiles at your exchange of silliness. You walk away as Roger looks to John. John smiles to him and mouths a ‘thank you’ to him. Roger looks a bit confused as he nods his head and places his hand over his heart before walking away to follow you.

The two of you make your way to the cafeteria and look around. There was only one person there as you browse through the many choices of food. You come across the very last pudding cup and grab it. This was John’s favorite. You smile to yourself and look to Roger. He smiles to you and continues looking.

“Gonna sneak this up there for him. Why he can’t eat sweet stuff is beyond me-”

Suddenly, the speakers in the hospital turn on and a female voices speaks out.

“Code blue, room 306. Code blue, room 306.”

Your heart almost stopped. It was as if time had stood still. You look over to Roger as his eyes catch yours. Code blue meant emergency. Room 306 was John’s room. Before you know, you were turned around and running through the cafeteria and through the lobby. Your heart was racing as tears flooded down your face. You were breathing fast and hard as you reach the stairwell and run up. You didn’t have time for the elevator. You hear Roger behind you as you burst through the doors.

You watch as doctors swarm all around and follow them to John’s room. There’s shouting as they all swarm around him. You walk up to the door and watch as your husband lays lifeless in bed, his eyes closed. They were trying to resuscitate him, but nothing happened. The pudding cup that had been in your hand was dropped. You bring your hand over your mouth and sob. This can’t be happening. You were only gone for ten minutes. You had just kissed him. You had just heard his voice. You had just seen him smile. He couldn’t be gone.

Roger was stood next to you with his eyes wide open as he watched the nurses run around. He looks over to you and watches as pure shock fills your face. You were shaking and scared as you sob against your hand. He looks back into the room and watches as his best friend lays there motionless. All he could think about was John thanking him before he left. Thank you for what, he thought. He watches as a doctor puts his finger against John’s neck and looks down at his watch. He frowns and shakes his head.

“Time of death, 1:46 PM.”

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jinxiaroo · 3 years

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1/28/21 11:53pm

im currently listening to oblivion, by rufi-o, lily potter

i feel like recently i have been in a little rut. nothing crazy depressing but ive just been in bed watching tv alot and not doing a whole lot of personal improvement. i had all these new years resolution which to my surprise i have been keeping up or at least im putting in effort to do. after a 24 hr shift, i found the energy to mvoe all my furniture in my room and switch it around, do some laundry and heat up some dinner. then today found the energy to go to the gym, did my usual routine. and i ran. i fucking ran. also very surprised by how good i felt for the first 3 mins. cause usually right when i start i feel like dying so please dont judge me. i think i found all these motivation because of this guy i watched on tik tok and i thought he was so romantic and cute. hes so charming and funny. he takes you on these walks around nature in vancouver, these little adventures in the wild. rain or shine. sometimes you get a glimpse of his life when he post the little few mins in. i think it really helped me alot. it feels like therapy. it reminds me how beautiful life is. during covid, i questioned alot of who i am and what am i suppose to do. all my purpose and honestly. i think i was in a really bad place for a little bit. i did a lot of drugs hoping the days would go a little bit faster. i was so lonely and times were just very uncertain. esp when i couldnt see my friend or family since i had to take care of covid patients. i dont blame any one but the situation was shitty. i made the best out of it. currently, we are running out of icu beds again. and honestly, i am scared. i’m scared i wont be able to see my loved ones again. it makes me so emotional that im living through this and that even though it hasnt even happened, how terrified i am even thinking about it. everyone at work is stressed and overworked. i know we make the best out of it. i do too. i try to make my nurses life easier but doing what is only necessary but we are just so tired and sick of people being sick.

but yeah i was in a little rut and he inspired me to get my shit together. i actually wanna pick up a camera again. go out and maybe just take random pictures cause why the fuck not. it makes me happy i should do it. i also think having a boyfriend makes me forget that i need to take care of myself as well. i love him so much and wish for the best and would do anything to help him succeed in life. i hope he stays in my life for a good and long time. its not the crazy infatuating love that i experienced but its this calming thing that i know everything will be okay. that even if i wont figure out i know he will be there to help me figure it out together and its a very comforting feeling. im surprised at how comfortable i am being with him. he accepts that i am so crazy and irrational sometimes. he tolerates my random burst of energy, my crazy mood swings. he just hugs me when im feeling down for honest to god no reason. i know im not the easiest person to be with, esp with my bad mood swings but hes does, i appreciate it so much. he makes me want to be a even better version of me. i see how he tries to be a better version of him and that makes me want to be a better version of me. thats probably the best part of him. also he cooks. thank god. i really hope this all ends soon. i wanted to get a type writer, just to send random letters to people. how cute would that be?

life is good, i am so lucky to be able to work and be in the position that i am. i get all the things that i want, i have great friends, a loving family, shelter over my head and a great bf. i just wanted to write this all down so remind myself that sometimes it might be a bad week, a bad month but this is such a good life and soemetimes i might not know why im upset for whatever reason but overall, this is a happy life. nothings perfect but be grrateful for all the things you have. productivity always make me feel good. makes me feel like im actually doing something with my life.

thanks for reading. just a mini update .

ps. im traveling again ! 1. rhode island 2. san fran and reno/tahoe (northstar resort) - im learning how to skiii, i got on the blue ! 3. yellowstone.

pss. got i fucking miss traveling so much. just take my money and give my travel dopamine please. im fucking sick of nyc.

#jinx'snotes

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adrielthefallen · 7 years

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Ive just been having a crappy day. Like.. I had this one ex who was my world, but I was fifteen at the time and she was in her twenties, and she coerced me into fingering her. I'm eighteen now and she came back and sicked her new boyfriend on me, and he accused me of rape. I mean, she's fairly nice when you don't annoy her, so maybe i did rape her? I'm not nearly as nice as she is, or as vulnerable (she has a bone disease) so im just like.. what if I did rape her? (P1) - D.Ra

(P2) And if I did rape her, that makes me like my brother, who raped /me/, and I dont want to be anything remotely like him, and then one of my friends got upset because I’m upset and two of my other friends needed to get talked down from panic attacks and I’m another friend’s lifeline and I’m just stressed to all hell and back, on top of that I have to pay for my food, rent, and get a job while I’m with my parents and still in high school - D.Ra

(P3) AND figuring out I was an angel but having very little memories and being diagnosed with autism and having DID and I just. I just want people to be happy but I always fail at that in person and if you knew who I was you probably would too because we’ve talked before and i just. i dont want to hurt anymore. i just want people to be happy. i dont want to fail. i dont want to be like Erika or my brother. - D.Ra

(P4) Im sorry for giving you extra stress im supposed to be the happy daily reminder anon to cheer your day up - D.Ra

No, no, no, sweetie, it’s okay. I’m always here for you. I promise. Always. You never have to feel obligated to make my day better or send me your adorable daily reminders if you don’t have the time or emotional energy or physical energy to. If you ever need me, I’m always here. I may not be the best at it sometimes, but I always try to be a listening ear for people who come to me.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. You didn’t rape her. She coerced you into a sexual act that you didn’t want, and now she’s lying about it to hurt you. No matter how “nice” she is, what she did was absolutely abhorrent and I am so, so sorry. No matter how vulnerable she is, she should never have coerced you like that. Disability or disease is never an excuse to hurt someone or to have your shitty actions excused. You did not rape her. I promise. You’re not like your brother. You could never be like him. You are so, so different, and I promise that you don’t need to worry about being like him.

I know how difficult it can be when your friends depend on you so strongly but you just don’t have the emotional energy or the capacity to help them like you want to be able to. It’s okay. Everyone gets worn down from time to time. It’s okay to be exhausted. It’s okay to be stressed. It’s okay to need a break.

I understand that you turned eighteen recently, but you shouldn’t have to pay for all of that right off the bat. You need time to get everything together and have enough money to be comfortably in the safe zone if something unexpected happens. I know that I’m not going to move out of my parent’s house until I have at least six months rent, food, and utilities saved up.

I can kind of relate to you in this aspect: I’m also autistic and possibly a median system but definitely have OSDD-1. My memories are screwed up and I very likely have BPD, so identity issues abound, and desperation to comfort people and make them happy is something I struggle with as well.

I know that I’d love you if we knew each other in person.

Someday, it’ll be okay. It’s not a personal failure when someone isn’t happy. I know it’s a hard thing to accept, but it’s just something you can’t control. I really hope things get better for you.

You’re not like Erika.

You’re not like your brother.

You’re D.Ra. My friend. An angel. A precious person who wants to make people happy and sacrifices so much of themself to make it happen. A whole, beautiful person who loves and is loved so much. A person who needs to keep going, because someday it will be better and you’ll be home with our family Above.

Please vent to me any time you need to. I’m always here to listen.

I love you so much, D.Ra.

#rape tw #ask #anon #Adriel Speaks #daily reminder anon #D.Ra #I love you #I promise #you're such a beautiful person #someday we'll be home #we'll be together and I'll embrace you and tell you how good you did down here

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screamingataconcretewall-blog · 6 years

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Lately, I've been struggling with the normal symptoms of depression. It seems that over time I have learned to accept the state more, and take care of myself the best I can. I eat, sleep, shower, go to work and try to enjoy the beautiful little things about life as best I can. The past few months of my life have been a test for me. I live at home with my parents, some people would definitely say im not extremely well adjusted to adult life. Additionally, ive been scared of driving a car since I can remember, so I never learned or got licensed. This limits me in a lot of ways, yes, but there are other difficulties I find in my daily life. My mom is very mentally ill. Its unclear what she is really sick with, as she exhibits many different signs of many different things. We have tried to be there as a family for her, always encouraged help and did what we could. This was mostly met with insults, hostility and child like temper tantrums. In her eyes, my father is responsible for all her problems. Lately, it has just been one outburst after another with her. I can always expect my mom to wake up shrieking about which one of us she hates today. Today its me! Even though I am not home. I woke up to several voicemails this morning from her telling me repeatedly to go fuck myself and to seek therapy, because im the one with the real problems. I dont disagree that I should see a therapist, but I also know how much my anxiety would go down if I didnt have to deal with that kind of behavior on a daily basis. I wasnt even home to do anything to upset her as i've been staying at my boyfriend's house since yesterday afternoon after work. Im just met with negativity and disrespect from her each day and my soul aches. I want her to feel better and live an enjoyable and fufilling life, because she deserves it. Under all that nasty negative bullshit id hope that sweet, loving woman who raised me well until her mental illness started taking over would still be there somewhere. Being around this bad energy all the time has made me really start to want to do better for myself, though. I finally got my drivers permit a couple of months ago. Driving is still extemely scary to me, but I must acclimate. I feel like once i can be comfortable and get licensed, everything will change for me. Im willing to work hard. Im willing to go back to school and learn. I so very dearly want to be better, because I know my life wasnt supposed to be this sad, bloated sack of shit that it is currently. As much as I do somehow love my mom after the novel of terrible things shes done to me, I NEED to get away from her. Shes destroying me mentally and has been since I was 11 years old and she decided that I had to be the one to bear her inner thoughts and turmoil, while my dad had no clue and my brother would have been too little to understand.

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