#im doing a lot of Deciding wrt my feelings lmao
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One of the most dogshit things that’s ever happened to me is a couple years ago I had a referral for a specialist apartment block for mentally disabled people, with in-house mental help and councillors and support workers etc. I met all the staff there and they thought I’d be a perfect fit to live there and that my support needs matched up with what they offered, they reserved an apartment for me and everything and I was ready to move in, but then it came back that a different board of people who’d never met me decided I didn’t qualify for social support funding and I ended up not being able to live there
Stuff like this happens to me a lot. I’ll be tested/reviewed or whatever by one person and get told that I need a specific kind of help, but then someone else will come in and raise something along the lines of “no you can’t have this bcs this level of support would undermine you <3 it would be too comfortable for you it would stagnate you, you can do this on your own even if it’s sooo hard and makes you want to die <3 your family coddles you but we think you can do this on your own if you try really hard <3’’
I’m always considered to be on some imaginary cusp of being entitled to support or not and it always comes down to arbitrary fucking things like idk, being able to use public transport on my own. They cited that one when I was told I can’t actually live in assisted housing. When it’s something that took me a very long time to figure out with a lot of stress and trial and error and is still extremely overwhelming and has nothing to do with day to day home life where my ability is completely different (not getting into specifics bcs embarrassed tbh but in the least tmi way my executive dysfunction is horrendous and i dont have a lot of basic skills either)
I managed to get a council house eventually and I’m moving out in a few days. eventhough I’m so so relieved and excited, Im terrified about not having any disability support. Idk how I’m gonna manage it. I really feel like I’m at my wits fucking end wrt constant brute force masking and pretending I know what I’m doing but I really can’t look after myself at all lmao. Both bcs of the autism but also bcs of the arthritis and fatigue and everything else. I’ve been forced to figure everything out on my own instead of getting the support I was supposed to have and I’m not confident in my ability to adjust at all. I feel like the worlds most biggest nuclear autism meltdown is on the horizon and I can’t do anything about it
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while I’m gnc woman myself and heavily so…
while this is definitely splitting straws….
I kinda feel it is worth thinking about if it’s hypocritical to be saying we distrust conforming/not gnc women who are gender crit just on the basis of their own look and not how they talk about conforming vs gnc
Unless I guess you would accept women distrusting anyone who also used transition steps to meet an internal body standard as a gender crit … like distrusting in the same way — not hating or alienating but just wary and suspicious of not really getting it or smthn
Not that it’s the same thing but you yourself compared them when thinking about how it adds up to do cosmetic surgery for your body feelings in the same way yeah ok many feminist women are critical of cosmetic surgery, makeup, heels, diet culture/aiming for certain body look, other feminine performance, performance for men… but may or may not be able to get themselves to stop engaging in it depending. Or if so it may be a process over time, with relapses. And may or may not represent how they act about it to other women.
This was that post https://at.tumblr.com/butchviking/what-was-stopping-you-before-you-made-the-decision/roaovu40ag79
Of course nobody can stop themselves how they feel distrust… I definitely distrust a lot more people than I justify rationally distrusting if that makes sense. One of mine is actually instinctive low level distrust of women really into male figures for any reason actually but I still support you……….. lmao
In a lot of ways I guess it is natural, but maybe limiting, that we most gut level trust people who we see as like ourselves.
hey to be clear i did say i DON'T distrust them! we just clearly have a different outlook on the world. there's nothing wrong w that nd we all make certain concessions to the world in our own ways (im very very aware that my desire for surgery comes off as anti-feminist to many... and i can't rly argue w that!) nd some women have just gone the other way with it to me. i'm not like automatically uncomfortable around them or anything, i get along plenty well with plenty of gender-conforming women, but it's true that there's something in my experience of the world that they'll never quite understand. and i'm sure there's plenty in their experience of the world that i'll never understand. that's why it's kind of lame for me 2 feel pushed out from the other community where i think ppl would understand those things.
i think u misunderstood my point wrt the comparison to makeup/heels/femininity in that post tho... i was saying it a bit the other way round and i did worry that it wouldn't come across quite right but what i was saying is that. hmm. those women do those things that make them uncomfortable in order to be attractive to others, right? well i've often decided to ABSTAIN from surgery because i'm worried that if i DID get it i'd be unattractive to other lesbians. so me NOT getting the surgery would be me making myself uncomfortable to appeal to others. so who am i to criticise other women for sacrificing their comfort to be attractive and then do the very same thing in my own way?
#and thank u for supporting me despite me being extremely into male figures 😭😭 i cant help it they are just so sweet and they play SONGS..#ask#anonymous#tsposting
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A few weeks back I got a very sweet birthday message from a classmate where she basically said that even though I clearly like to keep people at a distance, I should feel free to reach out etc. And that makes me wonder about my social situation. She's like one of my friendliest relationships at school or work, to the point where I sometimes felt like I was even crowding her a little. Like I definitely thought that I was acting very social and interested with her and other people in our shared orbit, because i do like them and am interested in their lives and opinions and all that. Like, growing up lonely did for real give me brain damage and after like a decade of struggling to become a person among people I still can not do intimacy at all but like. I thought I really had those friendly acquaintances/classmates/work friends down.
Some maybe 5 years ago I decided I wasn't gonna yearn for deep connections anymore and try and be as good as I can with the more everyday low stakes stuff. (A lot of that was about the inability to connect anyway as a closeted-ish trans person) And I think that was one of the things that started turning my mental health around for the better and also getting me to a place where I learned to be pretty friendly and outgoing. But if people can smell that thought process on me, or I project it, and that itself is what keeps me from, idk, making friends, then it's probably no longer a useful adaptation.
I've had a couple relationships die in a very obvious way over this. But I thought dating was always gonna be more complicated anyway, and I guess being interested in sth much more casual than my partner was a ... legible dynamic to me where I could just be like, oh I guess I'm an asshole, but I'm glad to be out of it anyway. And I have decided to be much more earnest and try harder next time. But maybe I won't be able to do that at all without fundamentally reconsidering how I feel about/approach other people.
Anyway, I guess the social distancing and the social distancing thinkpiece headlines are conducive to thinking about these things, idk.
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okay I have to confess here I was a die hard "fuck you MCR is not getting back together stop talking about it" person. and since then my stance has just been okay, they're together and doing shows, this is more than we could've asked for, this is too great and they do not even owe us this much. so it has annoyed me to see people almost like, thinking we're entitled to new music, and getting angry when they don't release stuff. I have not thought for a second new music would be a thing and have--
ok truuuuuuue. i dont get ppl who think we are owed new music just bc they have decided to be a band again. or the people who get like mad about it. ok actually i have just realized i understand some people may be mad bc they dont have the opportunity to see them on the tour. but i know people seeing them multiple times who are upset about the lack of new music. so i dont think its entirely that.
i get like WANTING new music of course, and like being upset that it hasnt happened. but im talking about the people who are like actually mad and like i said, think they owe it to us. theres no like rule that says you have to release new music for a reunion tour and HONESTLY? what band gets back together and writes albums that are better than the existing ones? like i just dont think its realistic that if they were to whip something out that it would compare to their previous work and. i dont personallly want anything tarnishing the perfect discography of my chemical romance LMAO.
anyway. my personal wants and need wrt new music aside. i dont know really whats changed your mind bc nothing with the band has changed at all but thats ok. i agree with the last thing you said tho. like when i think abougt it, frank specifically hasnt stopped like all of his other stuff since mcr got back together? hes still like active with his other projects, releasing heaven is a place last year, bloodnun, lots of merch. like i feel like if mcr were back together in that way he'd be doing more to promote them specifically or dedicating more of his internet presence to that idk. it does just feel like hes going about his regular solo creative business, but mcr is kind of a thing again and hes going to go on tour with them when the world permits it. and i think thats where theyre all at really.
it would be cool to be proven wrong! if new mcr were actually on the horizon and i got like word of it i would lose my shit. back in like. early 2020? i was convinced at one point that we were gonna get a new song. and i lost my mind over it. but that was fucknig ages ago. and im like just. content with not getting new music too.
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Supernatural s5
I finished it a little while ago, but I haven’t had the time to make an involved post about it -or watch that much of s6 yet; I’m trying to be Resposible and the time I have has been spent in advancing fics a little bit or answering short asks lol.
-I have really enjoyed this season for the most part, but there’s something I need to get of my chest LOL: all through it, the song “Too Many Dicks (On The Dance Floor)” played in my head xDD. Like, listen, I knew what I was signing up for with this show!! I didn’t expect NOT to find it offensive or regressive on multiple occasions!! But I guess s3-4 must have spoiled me lmao. I’m not saying those seasons are the height of feminism, but if you removed its most important female characters, ESPECIALLY Ruby, the plot of the season would fall apart. That’s not something you can say for s5 and preventing the Apocalypse, just sayin’.
It wouldn’t’ve been that hard to expand Meg’s, Anna’s or the Harvelle’s part (they had good material to go there -Meg as the faithful possibly opening her eyes, Anna as the betrayed and the juror jury and executioner, the Harvelles as normal hunters fighting something way too big for them-, but barely any time and like I said, no incidence in the actual plot of the season). Hell, I’m biased but bringing back Ruby would’ve at least taken care of the problem lol. Or if the show had indulged me and kept Bellamy Young as Lucifer, at least. But everyone with a real say in the plot is a dude, or at least wearing one as a vessel (angel’s conception of gender is clearly different from humans, but in terms of ~~representation the results are the same lbr).
-My constant frustrations with Supernatural’s bigotry-related stuff lol, like I said, I really enjoyed the season (that combination is one of the most frustrating things about the show lmao). Especially Castiel’s plot. The guy has reached Potential Hall of Faves status and that’s hum. A Problem xD
But seriously, he was breaking my heart in all the best ways. His search for God (the Absent Father that the show specifically compared to John añsldkfjasf. This show ISTG!!), his disappointment and sense of betrayal at being let down (he called God Himself “son of a bitch”!!!). I was especially fascinated by his Endverse version -that AU will have its own section lol-, although it resulted in making me reaaaally nervous whenever he was close to an addictive substance :). Like yes, those scenes were lowkey humourous and adorable (like when he drinks shots with the Harvelles and Ellen is fascinated and Jo delighted -... lowkey shipping this too btw. Lowkey shipping Castiel with lots of people-, or his combo with Sam when he got drunk), but also, you know, WORRYING xD
Some of my favourite scenes of his were, predictably, his interactions with Meg or Lucifer in 5x10. The Megstiel scene was SUPER HOT (both their voices are very unf-y lol), I can’t wait to edit it. And having Lucifer call Castiel “a peculiar thing” sure was something xD (although lbr, this Lucifer isn’t keeping with his rebel angel reputation, Castiel is carrying that all by himself smh).
Another scene I couldn’t get out of my head if I wanted to is when he uhhhh... completely LOSES IT and starts beating the crap out of Dean when he was ready to give it up to Michael. “I gave everything for you, and this is what you give me?!?” ooooooof. It was hard to watch, and fascinating and intense. I shamelessly loved it lmfao.
Though my favourite moment of his is one that can only be appreciated when you know certain things about s6. It’s the scene where, unlike everyone else, he shows appreciation for Sam’s plan of sacrificing himself to get rid of Lucifer. Because yes, at this point it’s the only thing that can save the world. But Castiel isn’t saying, “Sam’s life is a small price to pay in comparison”, because he will go into s6 and snatch Sam out of the cage immediately. s5 established Sam got out, so with that in mind, he didn’t bring it up because he didn’t want to create false hope in case he failed, but he backed the plan with the intention of saving Sam anyway. I love that. I love him.
-The entire season was Missing Ruby Hours for me lmfao. Like I said, some of the problems in the season wrt female characters would’ve been at the very least lessened if she’d gotten to be here wrecking havoc. But generally I just miss her and What Could Have Been with her here. I enjoyed some of the crumbs (Sam using the witchcraft skillz he learned from her! Sam immediately knowing Meg isn’t Ruby, unlike Dean! Her knife! The ARCHANGEL GABRIEL referencing her as “the demon Sam chose over his brother”!! The callbacks with Crowley or Brady!!), but I would’ve wanted her here, dammit xD.
-Aaaaand we’re finally getting to Sam, who is without a doubt the star of the season, if you ask me. His plan at the end, to let Lucifer possess him in the hopes he can fight back for just long enough to overpower him and throw them both into the cage, with no hopes for himself? This is the kind of Big Damn Hero stunt I’m a sucker for, I won’t lie. And I love that the show felt the need to confirm he was still alive at the end of the season hehe.
He really Went Through It this season and he held on lmfao. On top of everything (the apocalypse, the guilt of being its final trigger, the addiction recovery, etc.), he also had to deal with Dean’s usual bullshit, which is no small feat xDD. Like, sure, from an audience stand-point all those things are interesting (some fave/the fuck moments are when Dean is obviously peeved that Bobby still supports Sam because he wanted Bobby in HIS corner, or when he has the nerve to say he wants to say yes to Michael because he doesn’t trust SAM not to say yes to Lucifer lmfaoooo), BUT IT’S STILL A FEAT XD
One note: for all the talk about bi!Dean, bi!Sam is so SEEN this season xDD. AFAIC he totally hooked up with that bartender Paul (RIP Paul. At least in your last moments you enjoyed Sam, who’s clearly an energetic, attentive lover 😔). And Crowley refers to Brady as Sam’s demon ex-boyfriend and nobody bats and eye lmfao (that story is so angsty... the parallels to Ruby, how he ingratiated himself with Sam by pretending to have fallen off the wagon... ouch).
-I have mixed feelings on Crowley. On his own, I fell absolutely in love with the guy on his first appearance. A demon that DOUBTS Lucifer and doesn’t kiss his ass?? That wants to get rid of him and do his own thing?? And clearly enjoys ~earthly pleasures to the fullest (his complains about how the other demons ate his tailor had me rolling laksjdfa)? The way he turned the tables on Brady? OFC I love him. OTOH boy, does it annoy me knowing that fandom GLADLY embraced him when they condemned characters like Bela or Ruby for similar things. It’s not his fault so I still like him (he’s like Gabriel in that sense), but it’s annoying!
It also annoys me how Dean Must Be Right All The Time syndrome interacts with him lol. This season Dean decides they can trust Crowley (despite Crowley killing two humans in front of him and getting him beat up by Brady lol), so they can. Next season he decides they can’t, so Castiel will be WrongTM because Dean Says So. Ugggggh xD
-To be fair, however, this season has my fave Dean so far LOL. In the love/hate scale, this one has been almost solely in camp love, barring some of those moments of irksome hypocrisy that he’s so prone to xD.
But there was something about how this season’s plot chipped away at him, you know? For all the traits he has that drive me up the wall or unsettle me, I appreciate a lot of his personality because it makes him a unique and interesting character driving the narrative -his irreverence, his ability to think on the fly and get out of shitty situations, his disbelief. Seeing all of those things under siege this season made me hurt for him in a way I hadn’t anticipated LOL. By the time he was ready to give in to Michael (and I love that what made him step away from that choice was Sam showing a trust in him he patently didn’t deserve lbr), sometimes I felt terribly for the guy.
I also wonder if this season kind of marked like... the beginning of the end for him, narrative-wise? Making him Michael’s vessel (his angel condom) is the kind of thing that turns him from subject into object, and that can doom characters ime. The fact that he ~resigns himself to Sam’s death when his identity as a character came with being His Brother’s Keeper is another slight.
-I continue having mixed feelings about Destiel too LMAO. I’ve decided I’m just going to try to enjoy the good and interesting parts while I can, while trying not to think of future developments that’ll likely sour the ship for me lol.
Because in truth, yeah, I enjoy their interactions a lot here! The Endverse was particularly enjoyable for me (back to that in a moment), but the entire season had a lot of gems. That moment in the finale, when Dean is wounded on his knees after Sam sacrifices himself, and Castiel resurrects and heals him with a touch? And Dean is staring in awe and asks him if he’s become God?? Like wtf am I supposed to do with that. WHO SAYS THAT. XDD
-The Endverse. Omgggggggg. The Endverse. I doubt I can say anything about it that hasn’t been said a thousand times, but seriously. I loooove it, all of it. My favourite was endverse!Castiel, ofc. The way he was in No Man’s Land, not an angel and not quite a human, his ways of trying to cope with that, how burned he was... I uncomfortably related to some of it too lmfao, but let’s not get into that xD.
Seeing both Deans interact was gr10 too. They really couldn’t stand each other lmfao (do you understand me now Dean?? They actually reminded me of two OCs in an original WIP of mine that are in a similar situation -in this case it’s the future version purposefully traveling to the past though-, which made me even fonder of the AU). And the Destiel? *chef’s kiss*. The bitterness, like when Castiel laughs when present!Dean berates endverse!Dean about the tortures and then purposefully says “I like past you” to hurt him asñldkfjasf. Or those looks when Dean returns to the past and tells Castiel to “never change” d’aw.
I loved Lucifer!Sam in this episode too (and personally, I think in the finale Lucifer -and Michael- should’ve changed his outfit too. Sam’s clothes just don’t get to The Devil’s levels, but that white suit was perfect). He was terrifying xD.
BTW: I’ve decided that, since we never see endverse!Castiel die, well. He didn’t xD. I could see Lucifer keeping him alive and captive out of a sense of nostalgia, as Castiel is the only other thing close to a fellow angel left. Might even decide to return his powers with time, or to ~entice him with such an offer lol. And ofc I headcanon Sam is still inside, occasionally trying to fight. Cue in all the Castiel/Lucifer and Castiel/Sam fic ideas too (I have waaaaay too many of those for this mini-verse. It’s very inspiring).
-I’m still on the fence at Lucifer’s motivations but I can’t question how the family issues fit so, so well into this ‘verse. “Family is hell” is the show’s thesis, after all xD. IMO the angels in general don’t feel like a family, they’re a military body/cult lol, but the Archangels are another matter. I guess is the whole “only four angels have seen God-slash-Dad” thing, the rest were... well, the help, apparently.
But Lucifer, Michael, and Gabriel do feel like brothers when they interact (I’m guessing here Gabriel is the Adam: discarded by the other two like nothing :)))). Raphael too, but since he doesn’t interact with them... does he get to later? Or is he the odd one out? Did the others avoid him because he kept quoting Nietzsche at dinner?? LOL.
-There are no words to explain how terribly I feel for Adam. JFC that poor KID. Who was kind and helpful and intuitive, and only wanted his mother back and to help stop the end of the world. And that Sam and Dean will leave rotting in Hell for a millennia :))). It’s kiiiiiiiiind of hard to do for your show’s “heroes” when they do shit like that lmfao. It’d be different if they never tried to make him feel he’s family, but Sam tried to convince him with the bs “because we’re blood” and they did a half-baked attempt at saving him from Zacharias, and then... yeah. At least he had Michael in the cage, but still.
-I was already spoiled of this, but the reveal that cupids made John and Mary fall in love is so chilling (good on Dean for punching that cupid asshole, btw). It puts what Mary says about John in flashbacks, about how much she loves him and how perfect he is, in such a terrifying light. And I’m under the impression that the show didn’t bother to deal with this properly when they resurrected Mary and just... I hate that tbh. It’s a narrative choice that should have a huuuge impact, dammit.
-I kind of loved how bitter and angry Bobby was about (temporarily, thanks to Crowley, his new demon bf -watch out Rufus) ending up in a wheelchair. That there were no platitudes or false sentimentality and it just... was.
-The Harvelles’ had a good send off. I can respect Kripke for wanting his faves to go on his terms lol. Having Jo refuse Dean’s offer of a fuck on their possible last night on Earth with “I rather spent it with a little thing I have self-respect”? Not because she doesn’t have feelings for him, but because she thinks she deserves better from him? I love it. This guy knows his pettiness xD
-The fact that this fandom seems to have ignored Gabriel x Kali is one of the reasons I’m never going to vibe with it, sns. Immortal exes? Check. She tricked him and killed him... but then it turns out HE tricked and he’s alive? Check. BUT THEN HE STILL GOES BACK AND SAVES HER, DYING BY HIS BROTHER’S HAND?? CHECK CHECK CHECK. Ugh, why can’t they come back to me. I know, I know, Kali is a WoC and those are only allowed one (1) appearance before they’re killed off, apparently. So it might be a good thing that she doesn’t return xD. But gosh, they were gr10.
-Death the Horseman’s intro cleared my skin. I love him. I love how utterly terrifying he is and how chilling his and Dean’s scene was. And I yearn to find a picture of the guy a little younger and with a goatee, because he’s the most perfect Discworld’s Vetinari fancast I’ve ever found xDD
-I’ve seen tons of commentary over the years, and especially lately for obvious reasons, about how this season finale would’ve been a much better ending for the show. I’m not there yet, and it does sound like the finale was a mess and this one’s was a very well constructed episode (and, ofc, the Final Love Interest was NOT blurry!!). But even if by the end I come to loathe the finale, there’s one reason I already know won’t let me agree on the s5 ending being perfect: God xDD
The episode makes Chuck come across as a ~benevolent figure and no, fuck that, do NOT want, take it away from me!! Give me God as the Big Bad Wolf, the last evil to conquer any day. It’s like Dumbledore all over again: I enjoy the character a lot more if I feel canon and I are on the same page wrt his shadiness xDD
#talking to the void#my thoughts#supernatural#spn thoughts#spn s5#castiel#destiel#sastiel#dean winchester#sam winchester#bobby singer#spnruby#spn crowley#spn lucifer#gabriel x kali#adam milligan#jo harvelle#mary winchester#chuck shurley#the endverse
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