#im actually gonna have a breakdown over this
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not only has god (ava silva) risen on this day - my blog has also been revived !! marking this day as a holiday for myself
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hi, sorry but if possible could i get help clearing this overdraft? i’m still unemployed unfortunately but i do take comissions because i’m finally in a safe living situation- you can dm with references if you wanna help! if you can’t help directly reblogging would be really appreciated. tysm for reading
0/11.08 as of 04/13/23
paypal | venmo | cashapp
#donations#mutual aid#aughh#im still job hunting now that im like#not in a household where i have instense ptsd episodes in#but its hard. like im only now starting to actually get back into routine#i had a really bad mental breakdown last week that i almost jumped out the balcony over but sigh. im fine now i think#have to keep moving have to keep living#i cant let my trauma kill me & i wanna do a lot of things & its not hopeless#rrrr... gonna stop thinking about this now & go back to clearing my emails
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😐😐 MY DRAFTS ON THE DAD!AARON WONT SAVE. I HAVE TO REWRITE IT TWO TIMES BC IT WONT SAVE ON MY DRAFTS?????? GIRL.
#i give up im not writing again#finally have a time and motivation to write and it won't save#y'all thid actually make me breakdown#TUMBLR WHAT THE FUCK#I cant have my self to re write it over and over again#IT WAS SONG LONG HOW TF AM I GONNA WRITE IT AGAIN#im genuinely tweaking#crying fr
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ngl i think talking abt social anxiety and gender dysphoria to people who do not get social anxiety or gender dysphoria is the worst experience in the world maybe
#i love my friends so dearly but.#‘ok but have u tried to join anything’ i feel like im gonna die if someone so much as sits near me so no#hearing a friend talk abt her shy new roommate and me being like#‘ok she sounds just like me. so id advice u to not give up on Offering to include her even tho she keeps saying no’#and friend being like Oh yeah i was planning on giving up#and me remembering all my lil breakdowns over the thought that ppl will give up on me and im not worth the effort it takes to befriend me#also talking abt top surgery and chest dysphoria to firends who just have no idea how to relate#and one googling top surgery and cringing at the scars n nipple grafts and internally im like Hmm somehow thts making me feel worse actually#x#idk i need to release the thoights
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this video makes me want to sob and throw up and scream and cry and collapse onto the floor
#actually like sobbing through it this is going to kill me genuinely#god ive not cried these kind of tears in a while LOL#i cry a lot but not whete it makes my chest hurt like this#everyone should watch Get Back. best docu ever made actually :)#but no theres smth about getting a beatles song in the year 2023#like its not smth i ever imagined but now that it exists its like wow. its truly over. its a fucking solid conclusion and it hurts so badly#im going to rip up my pillow the emotional pain this is bringing me is actually heart wrenching#my one brother one time was like the Beatles are so mid and overrated and i wanted to leap up and strangle him across the table#THEYRE LIFE CHANGING OKAY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#idk its just so much my childhood :/#and this song is ripping my heart out </3#and hearing them talk about this being the last beatles track ever. like yeah i KNOW but god fuck ouch#the way they talk about george and john im going to bang my head into a wall#mayne i shoulf rewatch get back and have a mental breakdown#i told my friend about that docu when it came out and hes like wow that sounds incredibly boring#how dare you how fucking dare you. 8 hours of content????? fucking...great#but no seriously to listen to this song released now and it sounds exactly like their original work. im gonna throw up i feel so ill#never recovering from this actually 😊#catie.rambling.txt#Youtube
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guess who’s anxiety said fuck waiting a whole week it’s been four days with no change so let’s have multiple breakdowns/ panic attacks because this is fun
anyway i got my shit together and decided to go back to see my doctor because my eye is not doing any better after 4 days of medicating it around the clock 🙂
#personal#the man is just gonna have to deal with me having a breakdown in his office because this is not working for me#my anxiety is up the roof and im not coping anymore#i want to see clearly out of this eye please find out what’s actually wrong and fix it#i keep thinking I’ll be stuck like this forever#or tjat I have a brain tumor that’s doing this even tho i know that i fucked it up by squishing my face on tjat pillow for a whole hour#but… you know!!!#anyway I’ve been in this waiting room for over an hour and I’m about to lose it
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...
#i say goodbye to my boss tomorrow#not like officially officially bc im still employed into August so we have meetings#and hopefully we'll collaborate in future on projects and i have papers to write with her still#but like this is the last time ill physically see her bc shes not coming back until August and ill b gone by then#so its like. sad. bc shes my science mum. today she was complaining abt some stupid politics stuff#that went on this week in the department and she was like i kno i should b more professional but i feel like since ur leaving now#were more colleagues and friends. and im like 😭 god dammit ur gonna make me fucking cry#i came this this school to work with u and u were so great. i was so lucky to have ended up in her lab#bc i didnt kno wtf i was doing and shes not perfect but i learned a lot from her and ill b really sad to not b working with her so much#but thats how it goes. ill have to make her something cool as a parting gift#god. thatll b a fucking pain but she deserves something that takes a lot of effort#were meeting tomorrow to go over a protocol but im not sure if that's actually what were doing or if theres a surprise involved#bc she likes to do that and it stresses me the fuck out. she's been wanting to get me ice cream for the last 2 months so that might actually#b what's happening. or both could b happening. ugh. anyway. just me crying abt how im gonna miss my boss who im literally seeing tomorrow#im gonna have to giver her a painfully earnest letter abt how great she is and apologize for kinda having a breakdown#i mean i wasnt totally nonfunctional but like. it was not good and im sure i kinda sucked to b around#but whatever. god. the move it finally on the horizon. it finally feels like its getting real#unrelated
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woe another tag vent session be upon ye
#one of the girls in my class looks just like her. oh my god.#like im not being dramatic i literally thought it was her in my peripheral vision.#literally almost burst into tears in the middle of the room lmaooooooo#and then for the rest of the day every time i saw someone with her hair color i just saw her.#this shit sucks fr y'all i have never almost cried in public this much#and then i had to drive to pick up some groceries and fuck.#ive never been an anxious driver. i quite enjoy driving actually.#but i literally almost had a panic attack when i first pulled onto the road. i was so fucking anxious the entire time i was behind the whee#someone came up behind me pretty fast and i legit had to pull over to calm down it was so bad#so uh. not gonna be driving for a while lol. gonna kill myself or someone else doing that.#idk. idk i think this has me pretty messed up and i probably will be for a while. idk#my roommates and i finally decorated our living room and it was . fun. we laughed and made jokes and it was fun#but well. predictably i am feeling guilty over having fun now. which sucks ass from every angle#should i probably maybe make an appointment for therapy ???? probably ???????????#idk. might be good to talk all this out out loud yk. but also i Know i will cry and i dont want to do that.#sigh. anyway.#also predictably i cannot sleep. couldnt last night either.#i might go paint in the living room. i dont know.#anyway if u read this whole rant ily ur earning the veteran's pass to Winter's Breakdown Sessions#winter speaks#personal#grief tag#<- once again if u need to blacklist. will not hold it against anybody i prommy#tw death#tw panic attack
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tumblr changes its desktop layout on my birthday and it looks shit
change it back i dont like this gift
#con posting#honestly. kinda homophobic /j#ah yes the four gifts im getting. binder. darrell. called gay. new layout#five gifts actually i got michael art#tumblr dot com i will never cope with this change#if i had a breakdown over an animation software feeling too small then im gonna have one over this#im not one to feel claustrophobic except for when it comes to apps and sites. i feel compressed
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What is an Arakawa Family Enjoyer if not a sadomasochist right... BUT I hope family fun time makes for a nice escape from the horrors :) as always, take care! I will of course be looking forward to it!
I've been knocking around the idea of Potential flashback interactions for a bit only because Arakawa's line being "You only live once, so live without regrets." always reminded me of that last phone call between Arakawa and Jo in Soliloquy... where he tells Jo to make his own decision if it comes down to choosing between him and Masato and oughghghgh... I'm sure he's (probably?) talking to Ichiban but GOD. Had to have those kinds of talks with Jo too right...
ALSO ABOUT RGGO ARAKAWA YEAH GKLSHGKJLJ he has immense Distinguished Older Gentleman swag for being only 32 in that scene 😭😭
it's on brand somehow i dont know HOW it just is (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)(;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) in any case... i AM almost done with my silly little thing (AND I MEAN IT THIS TIME I JUST HAVE TO COLOR) so... yay :)
HE DEF HAD THOSE KIND OF TALKS WITH JO those fics might only be fics but to me they were secrets from the rgg vault..... listen if arakawa can already be warning jo about joining the yakuza while he's joining the yakuza then i believe he can have them Real Talk talks with him too after the fact......
THAT'S WHAT I MEAAAN it's so fucked up... i get why they had to get rid of it i really do but i miss it.....
#snap chats#lit just opened my Color Refs file. and by that i mean im color pickin from that Empty Next comic since i can get all the colors from ther#now why did As The World Caves In have to come on im going to kermit sewerside ACTUALLY#you cant be an arakawa family enjoyer without having a mental breakdown at least once a day i PROMISE and this song is NOT HELPING#but real..... surely arakawa had noticed over the years how much jo adores masato... to SOME extent...#if he can 'joke' bout jo bein softer on masato sometimes then i know it to be true.... im going to scream...#that aint EVEN BEGINNING just. Joining The Yakuza In General hold on im going to make myself throw up#cause you dont JUST join the yakuza- i mean. No Reminders on how arakawa got to where he did after The Horrors#if i start thinking of Sailor Suit and Machine Gun im gonna throw up oh my god DO YOU THINK#DO YOU THINK ON THE LOWEST OF KEYS ARAKAWA THINKS LIKE THAT.. JUST A LIL BIT OR.. YK WHAT I MEAN...#am i being delusional..... maybe so.... i just know im having vibes and feelings rn...#i need to finish this thing i have to go before i drive myself insane jLKEVLKWJ#anyway uhhhhhhhhhhhh Unfairly Attractive Suburban Father arakawa is real to me and will live on forever despite the wardrobe swap
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the way i am going to need to be tranquilized and sedated to get through tomorrow. god fucking help me
#purrs#particularly from like 1:30-3:30 specifically. i do not know how i will be able to get work done. i do not know how i am going to be able to#not fucking die. i really feel like i am going to pass out. i can’t do this i really truly genuinely cannot#every time i remember. like just… there are implications of this i have not even THOUGHT OF yet. that haven’t even crossed my MIND that are#still so engrained in my life and way of thinkjng and being. and i don’t know ifim gonna make her uncomfortable or panicked or guilty by#sobbing my eyes out not to mention other people witnessing that but there is NO WAY im gonna be able to not sob hysterically. this is#legitimatelt one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me in my whole life which says something about how much pain i have#experienced as a human being and how ridiculous it is that im freaking out over this LOL. but ummmmmm. this is……. this is so bad. i think#everything after tomorrow will be very hard (because i’ll miss her terribly) but it’ll be okay because it’s like this is the reality and now#we have to just like move forward and yeah im gonna have breakdowns on here abt how i feel like we aren’t properly grieving it or whatever a#and how i want time to like cope with it and not keep movi ng at 38472974mph WHILEALSO trying to not convey panic. but it’s been this#excruciating mindfuck of a situation bc she’s still HERE. STILL USING THE ‘WE’ THE DAY BEFORE SHE LEAVES! LIKE WHAT IS GOING ONBNNN THE COGN#COGNITIVE FUCKING DISSONANCE OF IT ALL!!!!! and like seeing her and having her stuff still around and whatever is um. it’s bad. it’s really#making it hard for me to accept that this is happening. so tomorrow is it then and we will drag ourselves through it and i swear to god i#will be hysterically crying. maybe even as i walk in and see her there knowing it’s the last time. LOL. like how do i not…. omgggggggg 😍😍😍😍😍#this is so so so bad. why is this happening. not only is it embarrassing and humiliating but it’s like girl thisis an office this is work it#it’s really not that big a deal. BUT IT IS. TO US. TO ME. WHY IS SHE DOING THIS? i am about to punch the WALL. but nothing will help or make#it better until time passes or if she randomly decides not to do it. idk .i just can’t believe it. im so angry and sad and hurt and scared.#tomorrow will straight up kill me. it really actually seriously will. i don’t know how im gonna get through it. LOL#delete later
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i actually fully unironically just thought to myself "how was i doing better mentally at the beginning of covid than i am now"
gee bestie idk... maybe bc at the beginning of covid u'd just moved back in with family and weren't working, weren't leaving ur house, and even when u DID start ""working"" again u were babysitting for like 3 hours a day 3 days a week and u werent paying any bills at all. maybe that has smthn to do with it.
#and then u were okay when u moved back out again for a while but eventually u burned out and then u were never able to catch up again!#and thats when i started having my mental breakdown that has lasted a year and a half now :)#shockingly enough i was actually doing relatively well in school then too! bc i WASNT WORKING.#summer's text tag#i think thay says a lot abt my lack of coping skills but we r gonna ignore that.#my ocd gets 100 times worse when im stressed abt other things bc its the only thing i have any control over.......#shocking. rly. so truly shocking.
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Uh oh I made such a fuss about not wanting to pursue professional theatre after highschool but now... It's looking tempting again........ Oh god.
Warning for a rant in the tags lol
#am i only a sophomore so i really dont need to be thinking about this?#yeah#but from ages 9-14 my plan was to pursue theater#but come freshman year i had a bit of a breakdown and wasn't sure what i wanted to do anymore#tbh my ideal job is twitch streaming/youtube but that probably wont happen. at the very least im not gonna count on it#but theater. i could do that. im good at it. just not sure if i wanna do it#its a really stressful and tiring thing#and ive just done school theater and summer camp stuff#so i can imagine professional grown-up theater#based on my drama teacher's stories. its a lot.#idk if i have the energy or ability to do that. especially considering my neurodivergence makes stuff complicated.#like sensory issues executive functioning emotional dysregulation etc etc etc#adult me will be able to cope better than teenage me but. idk.#i mean i could try it out and see how i like it. go to college for it or something like that. but those programs are so competitive#i dont wanna take a spot from someone who could actually do something when i just wanna try it but am hoping to be an internet CC#am i overthinking it maybe yeah probably#but im constantly surrounded by the seniors in the drama club who are flipping their shit over college apps bc of how competitive it gets#ok ramble over thanks for listening tumblr#my mom isn't home so i cant talk her ear off#so y'all get my thoughts
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i am absolutely goddamn fucking miserable im going to rant about my shitty-ass fucking life for one minute
#i miss my antidepressants#i miss having a job i miss having money#im gonna be 27 on friday and i sit here with negative 5 in my account#every time i start to scrape my way out of this chasm im in i get knocked back in#how much longer can this go on man#im getting to some huge breaking point#like fucking hell man my hands are shaking as i type this i might be actually having a breakdown#these emotional spirals just get worse and worse#i ask myself what in the actual fuck do i have to look forward to anymore#in whatever life i have social media presence real life whatever i dont have anything#im broke financially socially mentally physically#i wake up. put in endless applications to jobs. i make one or two posts on here. i go to bed.#over and over and over again#this fucking CYCLE that i go through and this fucking emotional chasm that i cant SCRATCH MY WAY OUT OF
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I hope the situation with your roommate can be fixed or that you can at least somebody else nicer to stay with🫂
thanks anon! i am fighting the university system with a fucking bat to get permanent ptsd accommodations to live on my own so this doesn’t happen again. it’s escalated into a total fucking disaster and while i’m in a better place now with therapy and emotional regulation, i’m moving in with him again in a couple of days because accommodations haven’t gone through, and he tried to start a fight with me tonight. not sure i’m safe going back tbh if things escalate because he can have serious anger issues. but well i was nearly a lawyer and was ALSO a child delinquent. so if he tries some shit i wish him fucking luck
#i mean im hoping it wont be long and things will be civil.#but after him losing his mind earlier saying he can’t set and hold boundaries for moving back in#i’m not feeling so certain about it#so i’m gonna double check the place for weapons.#yayyyyy. i mean he’s reasonable a solid 80% of the time#but the other 20% ranges anywhere from sobbing breakdowns over minor things to actual violent anger#sooooo. That’s real fun to have to worry about#el oh el worst comes to worst i am a criminal justice major and i am not afraid to call campus police on his ass#or take him to university trial and court#i mean. i really hope it won’t happen and ill be doing jack shit to escalate it unless he really pushes too far#but. prepared for the worst case scenario because there is precedence for him having rly violent impulses#yayyyyyy. Ptsd nightmare#answering asks#anonymous#sorry for the rant. im in a way today#vent
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not looking forward to christmas anymore
#ignore me#vent#my post#i was supposed to make the pudding that my mom used to make that she hadnt made in like a decade and i was so excited to#but my grandma practically barged into my room like 'hey give me the pudding mix im anxious i need to make sure this all gets done' and#i dont know how to say no to my grandma so i handed them over but now ive been crying on and off for over 2 hours#my dads like 'oh just do the other steps its fine' no its fucking not. its fucking not fine it was meant to be me#we all had designated foods to fucking make that was meant to be mine. it was my moms fucking recipe i wanted to fucking make it all myself#and i dont care how immature it is of me but im gonna fucking sabotage it when everyone asleep i dont care#ill eat a whole cake all by myself i dont fucking care#yes im actually having a whole breakdown about this this was so important to me and its fucking ruined#i had that pudding mix in my room for over a year waiting to make it#i dont fucking care that theyre gonna be mad at be this wasnt going to be fucking fun anyway#every holiday fucking feels like nothing anymore what does it matter#i wanted to make it so bad i was so excited i wanted to feel connected to my mom again i wanted to do the process#i literally cant fucking do anythijg im so upset#i was literally so close to fucking breaking something or hurting myself earlier im so fucking upset#and i swear on my life do NOT send me messages or asks dont fucking talk to me#alternatively tomorrow i could go to the store myself and get more pudding idk#i refuse to let this be the first time this puddings made in forever and it wasnt made by me you dont fucking get it#its one of the best things ive ever eaten and it was my moms and shes gone and#its part of my fucking childhood memories it was everything to me#my grandma just wanted to make it cause she cant fucking sit still or be patient. wheres the fucking love wheres the fucking connection#the moment the sun rises i dont fucking care im walking the the fucking mile and a half in whatever temperature itll be
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