HEY YALL UHM. im loosing my mind trying to figure out what to draw, specifically of belos and the collector so 🙏 PLEASE DROP DOWN SUGGESTIONS IM BEGGING

(A continuation of the WY replacement/ horror AU ) The new Wei Ying is tense throughout the exchange before leaving. The vendor tells Wei Ying that he already gave him some chili snacks yesterday when he visited and to limit his diet lest he spoil his appetite. There are plenty of questions you want to ask. Why are there multiple children named Wei Ying in Yunmeng? How come you are acting as if that child is the same as yesterday? Where is the child from yesterday?

The vendor turns around to you and says. Do you know that the deceased Yiling Laozhu's brith name is Wei Ying? They all had names before being taken in but after some time they would not respond to any other name than Wei Ying. Fellow cultivator, even you should know that sect leader Jiang hatred towards demonic cultivators started with him. Why would he force so many children to play the role of Wei Ying ill never know. But it is an open secret that those children never live past 15.

You attempt to alert the other great sects to JCs abnormalty and most likely systematic slaughter of orphans but are met with lukewarm reception. This is Yunmengs jurisdiction. We have no authority over that. Those are just rumors. How can you slander sect leader jiang? Didnt he take them in and give them food and shelter? That is an exaggeration. They are just orphans. Each response made you lose more faith in humanity. But theres still 1 person you have yet to ask LWJ.

Unfortunately the man has in seclusion for at least a year now and you have been forbidden to approach the jingshi. You decide to take matters into your own hands. Your attempt to sneak out the orphans didn't account for 2 things. 1) most of the orphans refused to escape on the basis that Wei Ying needed to pay his debt 2) time was limited and a group escape in a place with high security was difficult. A few senior disciples caught you and the few that followed near the docks.

You find yourself bound and kneeling before sect leader Jiang who is now directing his murderous gaze on you. " I remember you. Decided to play the hero?" He lashes Zidian across your back scorching and frying the skin and muscle under your robes. Your flesh flew as high as your screams. Among your voice, you hear muffled sobs. The children you tried to run with were there also tied up. You tried to restrain your voice to not scare the children. Sect leader Jiang started to laugh.

"Do you think you were the first? Well this is what happens when scum like you don't know their place!" Sect leader Jiang grabs my collar and faces me towards the children. "Look at what you caused Wei Wuxian. "Trying to run after all I have done for you! After you caused the deaths of my parents, my sister and made Jin Ling an orphan?" The man was insane. The children were shaking. "Please don't hurt him. I won't run away again." Jiang Cheng scoffs. "You never keep your promises".

You felt sometime cool press against your neck before you collapsed on floor. The children stared at whispering im sorry. You wanted to tell them it wasn't their fault but your body wouldn't move. So you laid there praying that someone would come and save these children until your final moments. Sect leader Jiang stepped over the corpse and glared at Wei Wuxian who paying attention to others rather than Jiang Chenf his sect leader. Truly a disloyal dog. Nothing the kennels wouldn't fix.

WY replacement anon. Um. This was suppose to be angst exploring JCs violent tendency of hating WWX to the point of murder and blaming him for all the bad things in his life but also wanting his loyalty, usefulness and reassurance the WWX gave him when he was younger. So.... I thought after WWXs death what if JC tried to recreate that in the worst way possible. And then it became horror as JC would treat the kids as YZY did and overestimate the kids ability on night hunts which lead to deaths.

Jiang Cheng is both a savior and a destroyer. He takes in orphans, find them good warm, safe homes and having them raised as disciples of Yunmeng Jiang. He kills demonic cultivators, cutting them down one after one. One day he finds a demonic cultivator he had found out about and chases him down when he runs. The man is a gravedigger who robbed the dead of their reincarnations. Jiang Cheng drives Sandu through him - the man was a graverobber who robbed the dead of their reincarnations. YMJ disciples take care of the body and Jiang Cheng starts in the direction of Lotus Pier. Then he hears a child cry for their father.

Golden Kamuy - Kikuta really deserved better [part 2] 277-279.

Can you tell by my title that I’m a fan of Kikuta and I have some choice words for Noda?  Chapter 277 starts out with an introduction to the regional politics of Meiji era Japan.  The entire political shift occurred with the marriage of convenience between Choushuu and Satsuma (the Sat-Chou alliance) and how that is playing out in government and the military. With Hanazawa on the Satsuma side a commanding officer is having Tsurumi deal with the damage control.  That being Lt. General Okuda (and Kikuta’s boss)

He discloses how he’s the person who helped to cover up the scandal for Hanazawa and more of the regional politics comes into play as he pulls Tsurumi into this.

Recall that Tsurumi is from Niigata and we know he is from a family that lost power and wealth due to political changes.  He assumes that of course Tsurumi would hold a grudge towards those from the Sat-Chou alliance.  Usami is also from a fallen samurai family in Niigata and we know that Ogata is from Ibaraki and also from a samurai family on the losing side.  Tsukishima is from the island of Sado where unwanted people were dumped in Niigata so he is also an outsider.  We learn of his ‘true’ feelings as the tells his core group his opinion on things.

I love how we get unhinged Tsurumi calling it all a farce and he’s over Central.  But most importantly Okuda confirmed his own intel about the gold he learned while in Russia at some point in time.  His gold plan can slowly move along.  So Tsurumi becomes in the Hanazawa scandal cover up looking for the young 2nd Lt. and Kikuta, working under Okuda’s direct orders.

Despite his best efforts, Kikuta’s plan is revealed by a secretary at the Military Academy, while we know that Sugimoto and Kikuta are en route to the engagement dinner.

Hanazawa panics and sprints out to determine what is happening. Right on his tail is Tsurumi and his key team of Ogata, Tsukishima and Usami.  Clearly this is going to become a huge mess.  The next few pages are amusing, but really don’t add value to the plot.  I am impressed that Kaeko has an excellent plot to get Sugimoto naked and I commend her efforts!  GK is never short of strong female characters.  Who enjoy sex.

This sets up a hilarious moment where he’s naked and trapped in a bedroom while she leverages the potential scandal to her advantage.  By that point Tsurumi has caught up to them.  What is most interesting is when Usami addresses Ogata as Hyakunnosuke and asks him what he thinks about meeting his brother.  It is clear this isn’t out of concern from Usami’s part, we know he hates Ogata to his very core.

But as usual, Ogata doesn’t respond and we just see only a part of his eyes, not even a glance of his lips to give us an idea of what he’s thinking.

Kaeko and Sugimoto continue to talk as she reveals what she knows from Hanazawa Hiro.  She had been a nurse during the first Sino-Japanese war so it has allowed her to reflect on the impact of war on individual soliders.

This tells us a few things;  Hiro’s patriotism is more nuanced.  If she were being selfish and just saying she doesn’t want her son to go off to war without experience it, that would be one thing.  Instead, she knows being a military spouse first hand what happens - no one could say she didn’t do her own duty and go likely above and beyond.  Ultimately, she wants to protect her son from her own experiences and observations and be a mother.

Sugimoto then realizes he needs to bail and leaves poor Kikuta confused.  And then bam! The 27th is there.

Of course this leads to the most Sugimoto situation of all time!  Tsurumi threatens Kaeko with his handgun and Ogata asks where Yuusaku is.  Of course Sugimoto flies out of the bathroom naked sans Kikuta’s hat and Ogata is just amused beyond belief.

This would be complete if he were relaxed eating a box of popcorn or something like that. 278 continues this absolute chaos and lots of fan service for Miss Kaeko!  I really don’t think the fight scene needs much meta.  Ogata just finds it amusing (and btw sucks at hand to hand combat) while Usami rumbles with Sugimoto.  Tsurumi realizes he’s not Yuusaku and Kikuta rushes in and gets shot in the shoulder by Tsukishima.

Somehow, Kikuta is able to get the rest of them to flee but not without running into the actual Hanazawa Yuusaku.  Awkward.  Tsurumi only then realizes that Kikuta was doing his job and they run out into the street.

Kaeko tries her best to convince Sugimoto to marry her.  Granted he is a very heroic figure and he fought to protect her.  However, reality wouldn’t allow that to happen and Sugimoto decides to join the army - thinking he won’t starve that way.

Kikuta looks so sad and disappointed when he hears this.

He’s definitely thinking of his younger brother who died b/c he told him to join the army with him.  I loved the fact that we learn that Kaeko got to be a successful woman who was also compassionate to others. 

There is a quick exchange that shows the first encounter between Ogata and Yuusaku.  Yuusaku notices Ogata and salutes him as a cadet.

Ogata doesn’t even return the salute and he look he gives him out of the corner of his eyes.  What is he thinking?  I’d say Yuusaku doesn’t know who Ogata even is.  But something has him very suspicious to be this leery of him.  This also makes me think of this previous encounter between Koito and Ogata in chapter 200.

This time Ogata is bolder when he walks by Koito who is also currently still in the Army Academy.  Except unlike Yuusaku who doesn’t seem to pick up on Ogata’s vibes, Koito does!  And the two of them stare each other down.  I think that this in part shows that Koito has more innate awareness of things and could be considered more of a ‘natural’ in the military.  Which Yuusaku isn’t.  We have no evidence Yuusaku has any sort of military talent or skills. 

The chapter ends with Kikuta asking Sugimoto if he’s serious about joining the military and how he’s already fated to go to hell based on what he’s done in his life.  279 continues the conversation between Kikuta and Sugimoto and he flat out tells Sugimoto about how his brother died of illness in the army during the Sino-Japanese war.

Sugimoto then becomes Kikuta’s younger brother telling him that it is time to move on.  This continues the trend in GK where a character that is speaking becomes someone else to the listener.

This is most evident with Asirpa when she becomes Yuusaku on more than one occasion to Ogata.

But this facial expression from Kikuta [sobs].

No wonder Kikuta worked so hard to save Ariko’s life!  He can’t just always be responsible for the deaths of others.

Sugimoto convinces Kikuta that he’ll be alright in the army and he relents and lets him keep the cap.  This shows that Kikuta has moved on from the death of his brother - a big deal!  In an unusual way, Sugimoto has helped Kikuta move on and take the next step in the healing process. Kikuta reports to his commander in the 1st.  Okuda wants him to keep an eye on Tsurumi.  Obviously, he knows now that Tsurumi interfered with Kikuta’s plans for Hanazawa rather heavy-handedly so he would need someone else to balance it out.

It then reveals that Ogata is also working for Okuda in the 1st.  This explains why when the two of them crossed paths in the brewery they did not engage but nor did they appear to exchange any information.

I can’t help but feel like something is still off with this.  Ogata does have skills from working in intelligence with Tsurumi.  He’s observant, makes himself invisible and can get others to talk easily.  But Ogata being a 100% willing spy - it seems like he wants something else out of this. Kikuta’s character screams secret agent - but Ogata, he’s something else.  I’m not sure if Ogata’s choice to be a spy on Tsurumi was a real choice.

When Ogata and Tsukishima had their shoot out in Yubari at Edogai’s, Tsukishima told him he was a pet cat for Central.  Ogata replied that they were part of a rebel element.  We know that Ogata was working with Tamai at the beginning of the manga.  I struggle to see how Ogata has loyalty to anyone honestly.  He seems to be moving throughout this game with again his own mysterious objective.  Ogata is cynical and has no belief in the nation state nor does he harbor any sort of deep patriotism towards Imperial Japan.

Since Okuda is friends with Hanazawa and is based in Tokyo, he may have known Ogata since his birth and has kept tabs on him after the Ogata grandparents took him back to Ibaraki with his mom.  Ogata’s existence might be a sort of trump card that Okuda is keeping . . . but others found out as well like Tsurumi.  Did Okuda have Ogata tell or leak information that Ogata is Hanazawa’s first son? The chapter jumps to the 203 meter hill in the war and we see Yuusaku fallen on the battlefield.  Ogata watches from distance, his face cut off while other members of the 27th run out to help Yuusaku.

This finally reveals Yuusaku’s eyes!  Not the anticipated reveal - I kept thinking this was something that Ogata was going to see but it shows us clear eyes.  Which look sort of similar to Asirpa’s eyes.

So many thoughts are jumping around in my brain about this reveal.

1.) These eyes are not the ‘trademark’ Hanazawa eyes.  Dark black orbs with those eyebrows!  This indicates his eyes aren’t from his father.

Seeing this, I can’t help but think that Yuusaku is not Hanazawa’s son.  Instead, Hiro had an affair with someone else.  A major theme in GK is that the children inherit the skills of their parents.  Asirpa is able to do many things as she inherited the intelligence of Wilk.  And that Ogata is the true inheritor of Hanazawa’s military skills.

Recall this from chapter 58.  Ogata leads the crappy local gang against Hijikata and acts like a commander.

We know that Tsurumi’s lie about Ogata wanting to avenge Hanazawa is to keep Nikaido in the dark.

This would also explain why everything we learn about Yuusaku is terrible at military things.  If he also isn’t Hanazawa’s son it would make it even more reason for Hiro to try to prevent him from entering the military since he’s not even genetically related to this great line of Hanazawas.  I wish we knew more about the Ogata side of things - I think we’ll also learn that the Ogata side had competent military men on it as well.  2.) Yuusaku’s eyes are the same as Asirpa’s and indicate their sort of innocence.  In this case, it would perfectly explain why Ogata sees Yuusaku instead of Asirpa when he has the fever and then the melt down on the ice floe.  Yuusaku kept himself naive and innocent to meet his father’s expectations.  A man who I don’t think is even his father at this moment.  Therefore, Ogata’s guilt on killing Yuusaku is tied to his sort of innocence in these situations and why he can’t seem to shake his mental confusion when it comes to Asirpa.  However, unlike Yuusaku, Asirpa has never forced herself on him to do things or guilt tripped him so it leaves things open for him to not link her to Yuusaku.

3.) Yuusaku was going to blow Ogata’s cover working for Okuda.  Now that we know that Ogata was working for Okuda while in the 27th it means he’d have to keep his role quiet.  If Yuusaku found out that Ogata was working for Okuda, I could see him going to Tsurumi and telling him this information.  Therefore, to protect his status, Ogata used this as his rationale to kill Yuusaku on the battle field.  I have never figured out if Ogata was nudged to kill Tsurumi by his ‘don’t kill him right now.’ comment as one of Tsurumi’s backwards motivations that lead Ogata to directly killing him. So many possibilities!  I want more Ogata backstory dammit!

Anyhoo, to not make this meta super long let’s get back to the action. Asirpa begins working out how to try to break the code.  Hijikata notes that Wilk could have used something other than kanji, since he’d know the Latin alphabet for Polish and Cyrillic for Russian.  Shiraishi makes a clear point that this could be a message from Wilk towards her, though it feels like he’s channeling Kiro.  Out of many of the Japanese characters Shiraishi time and time again comes out much more sympathetic to the minorities than others.

Asirpa begins to wonder how the coin is linked to the skins. She’s thinking things through and is on her way to solving the puzzle.

After saving Ariko, Kikuta is returning to Tsurumi’s group in the church.  Oh Roger, this is why I love you so much.

Look at that smirk with a slightly watery eye.  At the same time Tsurumi is also looking at the coin and realizes he’s figured it out.

Kikuta approaches the rest of the group and comments on if he’s found the location.  Tsurumi states that things are just getting started.  He casually pulls out his gun and fires two shots into Kikuta at point blank range.

And with this I am deeply saddened and shocked.  How dare you do that to Kikuta!!!  He was my Kiro replacement and now he’s also going to die.

First Boutarou died and now Kikuta.  [cries].  We know that Tsurumi is a shinigami but this is just brutal.  The bear death trio died early on in the manga.  Ogata escaped.  Kikuta now is the next link to Central that goes down.

Faking It Ch 2

A/N: Thanks for all the love on chapter one! I’m defiantly going to make this at least ten chapters so buckle up haha. TW: Language 

Aelin couldn't remember when she’d lost count of the number of shots she’d taken. All she knew was that the alcohol coursing through her veins offered temporary relief from the breathtaking pain. The pain that had her sobbing so hard that she vomited her guts up each and every night. These pointless high school parties were her only escape from reality. Her parents were dead. Who gave a fuck about anything. Stumbling a little, Aelin made her way over the kitchen sink, prepared to vomit if need be. 

“Are you okay?” A low voice asked from behind her. 

“Fine.” She muttered and leaned against the counter for some semblance of balance.

“You don't look it.” The stranger said kindly. 

“Well isn't there some saying; Don’t judge a cover by its book or whatever.”

The mystery man laughed and Aelin finally lifted her head to look at him. He was handsome. So much so that if she hadn't already been leaning on something she might have swooned. His eyes were green, the colour of a pine tree in the dead of winter. The sleeves of his white shirt were rolled and a tattoo crawled down the length of his arm and decorated the edge of his collarbone. 

I like men with tattoos. She thought. 

“Thanks.” He said, laughing awkwardly under his breath. 

Oh shit. She avoided meeting his eye, instead landing her gaze upon his silver hair. 

“Do you dye your hair.” She asked casually. 

He seemed slightly taken aback, but smiled all the same. “No. Do you?” 

She gasped as if it was the most preposterous thing he could've said and ran a hand through her long blond hair. 

“I’d sooner eat snakes.” Aelin grinned.

“People all over the world do that voluntarily.” The green eyed man mused. 

An image of someone eating snake popped into her head and Aelin suddenly felt bile rise in her throat. Before she could vomit on the perfect stranger, she bolted from the kitchen and into a vacant bathroom. Gagging, she fell onto her knees and was violently ill. 

So gently that she barely even noticed, her hair was pulled back from her neck and shoulders as her stranger eased himself onto the cold tile beside her. When Aelin had finished vomiting, she wiped her mouth on the back of her hand and slumped against the wall. 

“Thanks.” She said, tying her hair into a messy bun with shaking hands.

“I’m Rowan.” He answered, extending a hand. 

For the first time in weeks, she felt a smile tug at the corner of her lips. 

“Aelin.” 

“Miss Galathynius are you even listening.” Her math teacher’s voice snapped her out of that very unwelcome flashback. 

“Do you want me to lie to you?” She asked, earning a few laughs from her classmates and an elbow to the ribs from Aedion. 

“Take a walk.” He snarled, and Aelin breathed a sigh of relief. She needed fresh air anyway. 

The hallway was practically empty, save a few students on their way to the bathroom, and Aelin started towards the side doors to the parking lot. She passed a locker that had been decorated for someone’s birthday. Streamers flowed down from the top, framing the collage of photos perfectly. The girl in question looked to be a freshman, with a bright smile on her face and eyes that screamed innocence. The things Aelin would do to go back to freshman year. To live with that lack of knowledge and trauma that she so desired. But she couldn't. 

She was rounding the last corner when something made her stop dead on her feet. There, leaning against the wall in a way she’d seen so many times before, was Chaol Westfall. Still, it wasn't the sight of him that send her heart into a flurry. It was the girl fiddling with her hair opposite him. It took Aelin a minute to recognize her. Nesryn Faliq, they had advanced chemistry together. She laughed at something Chaol said and reached out a hand to brush his arm. Shivers ran down Aelin’s spine at that hint of a touch. Chaol smiled back at Nesryn and leaned in to whisper something in her ear. 

Unable to watch anymore, Aelin turned on her heels and bolted to the women's bathroom. She was breathing too hard, her heart racing much too fast to be healthy. God this was an awful time to have a panic attack. Slowly, she managed to calm her breathing enough to splash water on her face. 

This was bad. Really fucking bad. They’d broken up barely 24 hours ago and Chaol was already flirting with the entire female population of Terrasen High. Fine, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration.

Clearly Lysandra had been right. Aelin slumped down against the wall and curled her knees to her chest. She needed a rebound, and fast. Aelin pondered names as she ran her fingers through the grooves in the bathroom wall. Name after name came forward and she found herself subconsciously shooting them all down. 

Nox, Fenrys, Sam, Lorcan, Sartaq. None sounded right. 

In fact, the only one she could ever see herself with was Rowan Whitethorn. The silver haired senior who’s heart she’d held in her hands sophomore year. Held and crushed. She deserved every ounce of the hatred he had for her. 

Still, he wasn't a bad option. She knew he found her beautiful, he’d told her as much. The only problem was that he would never go for her again. People tended to put up a guard after having their heart shattered. 

Flirting with him would be futile and unfair. The only way she could ever get him to date her was if she gave him something in return. 

“Holy shit.” Aelin swore, jumping up so fast that she nearly hit her heat on the sink. 

If there was anything Aelin knew about Rowan, it was that he wanted to play on the football team. He’d gone on and on about it before. According to him, he had been deathly ill during tryouts and had ended up vomiting off the side after one hit. He’d begged and begged the coach to let him try out again but it was four years later and Rowan still wasn't on the team. Lorcan, Fenrys, Vaughn, and Gavriel all were and Rowan was half miserable because of it. 

There it was. A plan. She’d get him a tryout, somehow, and in exchange he would help her beat Chaol in whatever sick game they were playing. With a newfound purpose, Aelin washed her hands and walked back to math class.

Lunch. She’d make her move then. 

----------------------

The cafeteria was mostly empty, a normal occurrence for Tuesday afternoons. The lunch provided was some weird crossover of meatloaf and mashed potatoes that had most students eating out. Unfortunately for Rowan, Fenrys had convinced them to eat in the cafeteria today in his attempts to stalk a blonde girl on spare in the lounge. 

Now, he was picking at his food as his friends discussed the football game tomorrow. Rowan was just beginning to think his day couldn't get any worse, when he felt a gentle tap on his shoulder. 

“Can I talk to you?” Someone asked from over his shoulder. He knew that voice. Had heard it in both his dreams and his nightmares. Rowan’s grip on his fork tightened and his knuckles went white. His foot began drumming against the floor as he braced himself for impact. Everyone else at the table was rapidly flicking their gaze between Aelin and Rowan. 

“No.” He said harshly, not daring to turn around. Rowan didn't think he’d have the will to deny her anything if he was forced to meet her eye. 

“Please.” Aelin pleaded. “I have something to say to you.” 

“Well that’s too fucking bad because I have nothing to say to you.” He responded, voice carefully exempt of any emotion. 

“Then just listen.” She begged. “If you don't like what I have to say than we can go back to ignoring each other like you wanted.” 

“I wasn't the one who wanted that.” He snapped before he could take it back. 

Rowan felt more than saw Aelin stiffen behind him. Lorcan was drumming his fingers on the table, as if prepared to hold Rowan back if called for. 

But it was Fenrys, the friend who was kind to everyone, who spoke. “I think you should go Aelin.” 

She swallowed audibly behind him. “Alright.” She relented. “I’ll be at the Starbucks during fourth for spare. Come find me if you want.”

Rowan didn't bother to nod. Instead, he gripped his fork harder, letting up only when the sound of retreating footsteps subsided. He looked up slowly to find all eyes on him.  

“So that just happened.” Lorcan mused. 

“Yes thank you so much for that observation.” Rowan sniped sarcastically. 

“Woah.” Lorcan replied, throwing up his arms in mock surrender. “You’re mad at Galathynius, not us remember.” 

“Whatever.” He mumbled and went back to picking at his food. After a few seconds he threw his fork on the table and let out a groan of frustration. 

“This food is the worst thing I have ever eaten in my entire life. It is terrible and horrible and fucked up and I have no idea what to do with it.” Rowan half-shouted. Heads swivelled in his direction and he ignored them. Judgement from people he didn't know was the least of his many concerns at the moment. 

“Is that supposed to be some sort of metaphor for your life?” Vaughn asked, dead serious. 

“Excuse me?” 

“Seriously Rowan. All I've heard for the last year and a half is Aelin Galathynius this and Aelin Galathynius that and now she’s finally speaking to you and you’re not going to do anything about it.” 

“I don't talk about her that much.” Rowan mumbled under his breath. Lorcan shot him a look as if to say “Yes. Yes you do.”

“I know I'm normally not one to get involved in deep shit, but Vaughn’s right. I’ve never seen you nearly as happy as you were for those few months in tenth. And honestly, what’s the worst that can happen. You hear what she has to say. You like it, great. You don't, fuck it and forget about her.” Rowan had never heard Fenrys speak for so long without sarcasm in his life. 

“To be fair,” Gavriel said, always the buffer. “We’ve also never seen Rowan as broken as he was after Aelin. Maybe the risk outweighs the reward on this one Fen.” 

Rowan didn't reply. He was too busy struggling to get the memory of those painful few weeks from his head. 

“Just talk to her man. Who gives two fucks it’s high school.” Despite being mainly in an attempt to end this conversation, Lorcan’s words made sense. It was just high school. In one more year he’d be out of this shit hole and hopefully across the world in Rithfold. Talking to Aelin was just one step along the way. 

“I’m going to.” He said, willing his tone to stay confident. 

“Great man.” Fen said, patting him on the back. He barely felt it though. Barely felt anything as the rest of the day passed by in a blur, his thoughts occupied by a beautiful blond haired girl. 

---------

It had been twenty minutes and Aelin was starting to think Rowan wasn't coming. In all honestly she should've expected that outcome from the beginning. Even though she understood, the way he had acted towards her at lunch had hurt more than she was willing to let on. 

Instead of wallowing in her own self pity, Aelin took a long sip from her coffee. It seared her tongue and burned her throat, the pain helping to ground her in a way nothing else ever could. She was picking at her fingernails, head down, when he arrived. 

A metal chair scraped against the cobblestone, a bird sung from a oak tree, a paper bag rustled in the wind, Aelin Galathynius blinked. That’s all she had time to do. One blink to compose herself before she was looking dead into the eyes of Rowan Whitethorn. 

She allowed herself a brief second to take him in up close. His high and defined cheekbones, perfectly crafted nose, striking green eyes, and silver hair had always made for a truly stunning combination. He looked the same as ever. Except he didn't. His eyes no longer possessed that unbridled joy and love that she’d seen whenever he looked at her. Instead he just looked done. Done with life and done with her. 

Aelin swallowed audibly and handed him a coffee. “Cream and sugar.” She smiled, trying to lighten the mood. 

Rowan’s hands tightened slightly. “You remembered.” It wasn't a question. After a brief moment of hesitation he accepted the coffee and went back to staring at the table. 

“What is this about Aelin?” He asked softly. Although his voice was gentle, his tone was hurt in a way anyone else would’ve missed. She hated that. Hated that now, even a year later she was still somehow hurting him. 

“So you know I broke up with Chaol. Or, he broke up with me.” She tried to keep the tremor out of her voice. Rowan nodded once, nearly imperceptibly, and she took that as a sign to continue. “Anyway, Lysandra says that I need a rebound and I need one first because Chaol is the one who broke up with me.”

Rowan’s eye flared with surprise and something else she couldn't place. “I won't be your rebound. Please don't disrespect me by asking.” 

Her heart nearly cracked open at the pain lingering in his words. “No no I would never.” Aelin paused for a brief moment to regain her bearings. “Here’s the thing. I don't want a rebound. I’ve been in a relationship for as long as I can remember and I'm in desperate need of a break. But, I’m also the most competitive person you'll ever meet. Like seriously it’s an issue, once -” 

“I know.” Rowan interrupted. “Once you sprained your ankle 8 km into a 10 k run and still finished first because you couldn't stand the thought of losing. You told me already.” 

Aelin just stared at him for a second, her chest unbearably tight. Rowan’s eyes looked her up and down and she could've sworn his eyes flashed in satisfaction at the pain written on her face. 

Not wanting to look at him anymore, she went on. “I figured maybe instead of me actually doing the whole dating thing, we could fake date.” 

She held out a hand as Rowan opened his mouth to protest. Begrudgingly, he restrained from commenting and gestured for her to go on. 

“That way I'd beat Chaol in whatever this is, I wouldn't have to answer everyone’s condolences on my being dumped, and I’d be saved from the whole post breakup dating fiasco.” 

Rowan’s voice was hoarser than before when he finally spoke. “What do I get out of this.” 

She took a deep breath in. “I’ll get you a football tryout.” 

His knee slammed into the table and Aelin couldn't help but flinch. His eyes were wide and lit up with hope. “Seriously? How the hell are you going to do that?” 

“I have a plan.” She tried to sound confident despite her growing doubt. 

Rowan let out a small laugh. “The last time you said that we ended up in the back of a police cruiser covered in raw eggs and paint.” 

Aelin’s face broke into smile and she began to laugh. For a moment she could almost pretend they were back in sophomore year, lying on Rowan’s lawn and watching the stars. Neither of them had known anything about constellations so they’d made things up based on what they looked like. By the end of the night, Aelin’s stomach hurt from laughing. She wondered when the last time she’d been that blissfuly happy was. 

Just as suddenly as they had arrived, their smiles and laughs died on their lips. An uncomfortable silence seized the air and Aelin began to play with the hair elastic on her wrist. 

After a few more seconds, Rowan cleared his throat. “I’ll do it.” He announced, although it sounded like he was still trying to convince himself.  

“Great.” Aelin smiled. “Why don't you come over tomorrow and we can work out logistics.” 

“Don’t you live with Aedion?” Rowan asked cautiously.

“Yeah but he’ll be at Ren’s place tomorrow for a project. I checked.” 

Rowan nodded slowly and rose from his chair. “Alright.” 

They stared at each other for a moment, Rowan standing and Aelin sitting. “I’m going to uh... go.” He said at last, severing the quickly brewing tension. 

Without waiting for answer, he turned and fled, leaving Aelin to do nothing but watch. So they were actually doing this now. What’s the worst that could go wrong? 

TOG Tag List: 

@queen-of-glass

@courtofjurdan

@fictional-horan

@bamchickawowow

@julemmaes

@in-love-with-caramel-macchiato

@chieflemming

@morganofthewildfire

@http-itsrebecca

@captainswanandclintasha

@booknerdproblems

@sassys-world

@thegoddessofyou

@cityofchelsea16

@loudphantomdragon

@poisonous00

@wesupremeginger 

@becarefuloflove

@more-espresso-less-depresso-xx

@tillyrubes10

@perseusannabeth

Marionette Roulette - Chapter 2

TW- Mentions of suicide, implied child abuse

ao3 link in the first reblog

Sam hovers awkwardly at the door to Techno and Phil’s house, unsure as to if he should go in or not. He needs to let them know what has happened, and he needs the information that Phil could potentially have, but this isn’t his news to break.

Except he’s the only one who cares enough to tell the three people who live so far away.

“Are you going to say something, or just stand there?” Ranboo asks, his head tilted in confusion. “You doing alright Sam?”

“I need to tell you guys something. Are Techno and Phil home?” Sam asks, shaking himself out of his stupor.

“Come in.” Techno invites him in from behind Ranboo, a look on his face telling Sam that it’s going to be hard to convince him that he doesn’t know what happened.

Sam steps into the cottage, warm air washing over him like sea foam. It clings to his fur, and Sam finds himself hissing in content. Phil and Techno exchange worried looks, but Ranboo just smiles, and mumbles something to the pair.

“You said you had something to tell us?” Phil says, breaking the silence.

“You might want to sit down for this.” Sam says, taking a deep breath in. Phil, Techno and Ranboo sit around the kitchen table, Ranboo nervously looking around. Phil and Techno exchange a glance, and Techno rolls his eyes.

“Bit over dramatic, I’m sure the news isn’t that huge.” Techno says with a smirk.

“Tubbo was killed in a battle against Dream two days ago.” Sam says, his voice wavering. “Tommy is currently missing in action, presumed dead. I’m so sorry.”

The trio just stare at him, his words washing over them. Ranboo is the first to understand what was said, burying his face into his hands and sobbing quietly. Phil is the next to realise, horror and grief mixing in his eyes as he wails. A father who possibly outlived two of his sons, the only survivor sitting next to him. Techno is the last to realise, and anger overtakes grief in his eyes. Techno stands, pushing his chair over in his rush. Techno stalks over to Sam, pushing him against the wall as though that could change the past.

“You’re sure! You’re sure that Tubbo is dead.” It’s not a question but a demand.

“I’ve seen the body.” Sam says, tears dripping down his face. “Axe to the chest. He couldn’t survive that one.”

“And Tommy. He’s just missing, not dead, correct?”

“Techno, it’s Tommy .” Sam says. “Do you really believe that he would survive Tubbo’s death? After everything he gave up for Tubbo?”

Phil wails once more, keening in lament for his son. Ranboo starts to shake, as though he wants to teleport away but simply can’t . Techno lets Sam go, collapsing to the floor. It’s as though he can’t process it, as though he can’t do anything but stare at the ground. It must be hard - losing both of your siblings within a year.

“I need to ask a few questions, but if you don’t feel up to answering them then I can leave.” Sam says gently.

“Go on.” Ranboo says for the two men, not waiting to see their reactions.

“Tubbo’s family.” Sam says softly. “Someone needs to tell them that he’s died. Do you know who I can contact?”

“Captainsparklez, on Mianite.” Phil says, staring at the ground. “I- He- I-”

“Thank you.” Sam says, nodding his head at the man. “I’ll let him know.”

“When is the funeral?” Techno asks, hugging himself while he sits on the floor.

“Next week.” Sam says. “We have to-” He takes a deep breath in. “There’s no coffins Tubbo’s size, and everyone would prefer to bury Tommy with him. They were best friends, after all.”

“But there’s a chance Tommy’s alive.” Ranboo says without conviction. He’d seen Tommy in exile, he was the only person in the house who visited the teen more than once. Ranboo clearly knew about Tommy’s spiraling mental health - something that Sam only learnt about after the bombing of L’Manburg, in a quiet exchange between Tommy and Tubbo that Sam was never supposed to hear - and Ranboo clearly knew that there wasn’t any way that Tommy survived Tubbo’s death.

If the teen fell to his own hand or his enemy’s, it didn’t matter. Tommy and Tubbo could not be separated.

Tubbo barely lived when Tommy was in exile - both times. Sam had seen the teen roaming Manburg, looking as though he was barely surviving without his friend. It appeared better in the second exile - perhaps Tubbo was putting on a brave face, or maybe he was just used to it - but it was clear that he still missed the teen.

And, deep down, Sam knows that Tommy felt the exiles worse than Tubbo. After all - Tubbo had a support system. Tommy had an insane man, one who blew up his home, the other who blew up his home and killed his best friend.

Tommy was always handed the short end of the stick, and always punished for acting out because of it. It’s upsetting just how little the university seems to have cared about the teen, until after he died. No one cared for him until after he died.

“Thank you.” Sam says, pulling himself out of his anger. “I’ll message you the dates for the funerals.”

“Why didn’t you just message us the news?” Phil asks, his voice hollow.

“Because hearing that your children died is news that you should hear from someone’s mouth. Not through a screen.” Sam responds despondently. He turns, walking out of the room. How could Philza ask him that? How could he care so little for Tommy and Tubbo? Was it because Sam was the one who told him, or was it because he didn’t care for the teens.

“Tubbo wasn’t our brother.” Sam hears Techno mumble. “And both were problems who tore the family apart.”

Red flashes in Sam’s eyes, and Ranboo wails at those words. One should not speak ill of the dead. Sam lets the door slam behind him, a loud bang! that condemns the two adults in the house to a damnation that Sam can bring to their doorsteps. Dream may have taken away his right to be the warden, but there isn’t much Sam would have to do to convince the rest of the server to throw the pair into the jail for their comments.

Sam is not a vengeful man, but those children didn’t deserve death and pain. Tommy didn’t deserve to be put with that family. Tubbo didn’t deserve to be spoken about with such contempt.

Sam steps out into the snow storm, walking away from the cottage warmed by false ideals of family. Tubbo is dead, and the likelihood of Tommy having survived is so close to nothing it shouldn’t be counted as an option.

But Sam has worked under worse conditions. He’ll find Tommy - either his body, his ghost or his person. Maybe then he can help the teen.

Show him what a family looks like.

----

Niki looks out of the window of her and Puffy’s home, humming under her breath. Tubbo, dead?

Why would Dream kill Tubbo, when Tommy was far worse - a warmonger? It doesn’t make sense to Niki, though she supposes that Dream may have only returned Tubbo’s body to the main area of the server because Tommy isn’t worth a grave. He can rot where he lies, for all Niki cares.

Is that true though?

Guilt claws at her heart, as though she was the one who killed the teens. She never wanted Tubbo dead - Tommy was the only one that she and Jack wanted to kill. Why can’t she stomach the two teens' deaths? Why does guilt drown her as though she threw the axe?

Tubbo died saving Tommy, Dream had said. Perhaps that's why she feels as though she threw the axe. Tubbo had jumped in front of the axe to save Tommy from certain death, dying in the process.

Would he have done the same, if it were Niki and Jack throwing the axe?

---

Ghostbur sits in the L’Manhole, hiding under an undercroft as rain buckets down. He sticks his hands into the rain, watching as they run like watercolours in the rain. He wants to feel pain. He longs for it to hurt, for the pain to be unbearable and for it to burn like the noise it makes. It doesn’t. It doesn’t feel like anything. His skin fizzes and his hands run like paint down a drain, but he doesn’t feel any pain.

Tubbo is dead. Tommy could be dead.

“Get your hands out of the rain, loverboy.” Glatt says, making Ghostbur jump. “Tubbo is with us down there, but he’s happy to stay and rest for a while. He says he’ll be back for his funeral.”

“And Tommy?” Ghostbur isn’t able to return to the Aether, not since he made the deal with Glatt to watch the overworld for the other ghost. He could return, of course, no deal stops the inevitable, and maintaining a form is hard , but he doesn’t want to.

Alivebur is so loud there.

“He isn’t there, Wilbur.” Schlatt says, his voice more full. Without an echo. “Your little brother is alive. Tubbo says Dream killed him so that he could break Tommy.”

“No.” Ghostbur pleads with the rain, with his friend. “ No, not Toms. Not my baby brother.”

“I’m sorry, Wil.” Glatt says, pulling the tall ghost into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”

“He’s just a kid. He’s just a kid. ” Ghostbur’s eyes glow bright, angry, and Glatt looks at him with growing realisation.

“This is not a world to make into a disaster, Ghostbur.” Glatt warns. “There is more than just us here.”

“We deserve the pain.”

“Let’s go somewhere warm.” Glatt says, the bedrock glowing golden as Glatt opens a portal to the Aether.

Thats one good thing about the L’Manhole. They don’t need to beg Dream to make a bedrock portal for them anymore. They have access to enough bedrock here to keep a portal open constantly.

Doctor Death

After the death of her mother, Akiko leaves the small town she grew up in. There was nothing to tie her down anymore. Soon, she receives an intriguing offer

Or, an Au where Kouyou is Akiko’s mom, and Akiko becomes a wandering doctor.

Setting is like if feudal Japan was a xianxia novel. Free oneshot for whoever guesses why I wrote this.

Crossposted here to AO3

Trigger warnings: Heavy gore, death, Rintarou is creepy, slight religious themes

1.

The world very may well have ended the day Akiko had to bury her mother. Sure, they’d had their differences, but, standing in front of a tiny mausoleum that would only ever house Kouyou, Akiko realized that it was more because they saw themselves in each other that they fought. They fought out of love and concern for one another.

She found herself almost angry as she carried the urn. She had nearly punched the priest, but restrained herself out of respect for her mother. There was no family besides her. She had been the one to pick her mother’s bones out of a pile of ash, she had been the one to carry the urn. She would be the only one that burnt incense at a tiny shrine.

She wasn’t sure who she was angry at. Not the priest. He hadn’t done anything really. Nothing improper anyway. Maybe a stray comment that that made Akiko snap a little harder than she needed to. Mostly, Akiko realized, she was angry at herself. And maybe her mother, a little bit. Angry with Kouyou only because she had managed to succumb to the only illness Akiko couldn’t treat. Angry because she had died and left Akiko alone in the world, the only one who would care enough to find the body.

For the first time in a long time, Akiko found herself angry at the father she never had. Someone had fathered her, in accordance with the laws of nature, but he hadn’t stuck around long enough to help Akiko say goodbye to perhaps the only person that ever cared about her for more than her job.

The number of times Akiko had ever really thought of her father could be counted on her fingers. Once, in medical school, when they’d asked. Akiko had responded with “With a mother like mine, I don’t need a man to raise me.” That had been what she’d believed. She still believed it, Akiko thought, as she placed her mother’s urn. But it would have been nice to have more than a priest pat her on the shoulder and give his formal condolences.

~

She didn’t realize what she was doing until she was almost finished. The house was a good one, but not one Akiko ever felt at home in after Kouyou had died. With a bitter laugh, she thought home is where the heart is, isn’t it? Her mother was gone. Her home, then was gone as well.

It didn’t matter anyway. She had, without realizing, been accumulating travel equipment in preparation for a trip she hadn’t planned on taking.

But, there was no reason for her to stay. There wasn’t a place Akiko had ever heard of where a doctor was unwelcome, anyway. This town could get along just fine without her.

Akiko managed to sell off all the possessions she wouldn’t be taking with her. The women in town were enthralled to finally get their hands on one of Kouyou’s gorgeous kimono. They had only ever been able to see them, and whisper their envy over the wash.

It never mattered to Akiko or Kouyou. They had known full well that they were tolerated, rather than welcome. They were strange women, far too strong-willed the townsfolk would say, for any man to have either of them. It’s a wonder there’s a daughter at all.

Akiko kept only one. She supposed she would rather wear one of her mother’s kimono than buy one when she needed one. Kouyou had always been beautiful, in Akiko’s eyes. Confident. Akiko had made it her duty as a daughter to make sure that her mother’s tastes could always be met. Most of the reason Akiko became a doctor in the first place. There was no one in the world Akiko cared for more than her mother.

There was, it would turn out, no one else in the world that cared for Kouyou.

Akiko finally sold the house for a nice price and left for Tama with her medical supplies, the necessities, a photo of her mother, a kimono, and her mother’s sword.

Akiko only said one tearful farewell in her whole life.

 2.

“The child will live,” Akiko said to the sobbing mother. “Let him rest and discourage any more of this behavior. However, I doubt he will be a great warrior. The leg may never heal properly. Part of your mistake was waiting so long. Some of the cuts are infected. That dog was probably ill.”

Akiko ignored the screams over money. She only did this for money. “I charge a reasonable price,” Akiko said coldly, measuring herbs into her mortar. “I wish you luck finding another doctor for what I’m charging you.”

When she’s done preparing the medicinal paste, she pours it into a bowl and begins packing. “Feed him rice and tea until he can feed himself. Apply the paste over the infected cuts before changing his bandages every night. Consider yourself lucky.” With that, she pockets her payment and leaves.

Perhaps she is a prickly doctor. It doesn’t much matter.

In exchange for passage to Renge, she treated members of a caravan.

~

The forest is beautiful, even at night. A river runs crystalline just outside the firelight-bathed circle of safety. Akiko takes the opportunity to bathe.

The water is cold, and runs faster than she expects, but not fast enough to put her in any real danger.

There’s hardly a splash when she jumps in, abandoning her clothes in a sloppy pile.

The cold water runs down her face when she breaks the surface again. With a toss of her head, she flicks her wet hair out of her face. She blinks. The woman sitting on the rock was most certainly not there a second ago.

She is beautiful. Not as beautiful, in Akiko’s opinion, as Kouyou had been, but it seemed to Akiko that gods tended to imitate the sort of look that mortals found beautiful. Indeed, the woman- the goddess, Akiko realized after a moment- seemed to be attempting to imitate Kouyou’s stern elegance.

“You can see me,” the goddess said, almost a question.

“So I can,” Akiko replied, sinking back into the water.

“You’ve lost someone.” This was not a question.

“Every human will lose someone,” Akiko said. “I just happened to lose the only one.”

“Not a lover.”

Akiko stamps down the urge to snort in derision. “Of course not.” No, Akiko had grown up with a woman who had been married and decided she didn’t like it. No lover would do what Kouyou’s death did to her.

The goddess peered at Akiko, almost curious. “How would a doctor like to follow the path of Izanami-no-Mikoto?”

Akiko frowned. Intriguing. “What are you suggesting?” she asked.

“My patronage. You’re a good doctor. Perhaps a great doctor. But that young man? He won’t make it without my help. No human can cure him alone.”

“What do I do in return?”

Izanami considered that. “I come above your Hippocratic Oath.”

“Naturally.”

“You will need to dissect someone. I will show you magical anatomy. I recommend at least four of each species I indicate. If sex changes the anatomy significantly, two of each.”

Akiko narrowed her eyes. “The Hippocratic Oath was taken so I could support my mother. Don’t act like I care about it, when you know I don’t.”

Izanami seemed surprised at this, before a sneer crossed her face. In that moment, Akiko decided that even if Izanami-no-Mikoto wore her mother’s body, she would never be as beautiful. “Then I trust you won’t care if you wind up in the business of assassination?”

“Did you have someone in mind?” Akiko countered. “Honestly, I expected to wind up there. Everyone trusts a doctor.”

Izanami seems satisfied at this response. “No one yet. Do as you please. I was only making sure I wasn’t dealing with a doctor that was afraid of death.”

At this, Akiko really does snort. “Only those with something to live for fear death. No doctor should be. They should, in accordance with their Hippocratic Oath, do everything within their power to save a patient, but we of all people know that we cannot save everyone.”

Izanami smiles, less coldly than before, and holds out a hand. A butterfly with opalescent wings lands in her palm. Its wings slow, changing color, before stopping. Izanami steps down off her rock and approaches Akiko over the surface of the river, holding the dead butterfly whose wings had turned to gold. Upon closer inspection, the body had turned into what appears to the bones in a human finger threaded with gold. “Keep this with you.”

The members of the caravan are slightly disgusted by the grotesque thing, but they give her a simple hairpin to attach it to. They avert their eyes when she starts wearing it in her hair. Still, they can’t complain too loudly. For treatments that would have cost them a fortune, she had only demanded safe passage to Renge.

~

Akiko’s coast side rooms were much finer than she usually preferred. But, she had long since fallen into a frugal lifestyle, and decided she could splurge a bit for the second anniversary of her mother’s death. She had hung up the kimono for a few nights to ease the folds. Today, she put it on and set her mother’s photo on the little table in the corner. After burning incense, she went out to the market to buy offerings.

The marketplace was quieter than she expected. She received a few odd looks on account of her attire, but she ignored them and gathered her purchases in a small basket.

On her way back to her room, she brushed a little too close to a middle-aged man with red hair. Red like her mother’s.

They both apologized at the same time, though there was something distinctly insincere about him, despite his kind face. The eyes, Akiko realized as he inspected her, almost as if sizing her up.

“You look like she did when she was your age,” is all he said, before bowing and vanishing into the crowd.

Akiko turned and left, refusing to let the encounter shake her. There was only one person in the world that she would think to compare herself to, but Akiko preferred to leave being beautiful to her mother.

Besides, there was no way that he could know she was Kouyou’s daughter anyway. Akiko had never really considered whether or not she resembled her mother

~

The next day she had a patient. A young man had been ill with a mysterious disease. Akiko prescribed him a medication and told him to find her again within the week if there was no improvement. It had been just like this when she had found Kouyou.

A small child with a broken arm. She had carried the child home and set the arm. It had been hardly more than a fracture, but the child had to be held down by the father and the mother and a maid before Akiko could work.

The house had felt wrong when Akiko had returned. The scent of matcha lingered in the air as it always did, but there was a horrible emptiness that Akiko hadn’t been able to place her finger on. “I’m home!” she had called, removing her shoes. Kouyou had not responded. Despite the fact that Akiko tended to be rather levelheaded, and that she rarely made excuses or rationalized, she told herself Kouyou was probably asleep. Mother has been napping a lot recently.

Each step felt heavier and heavier, and Akiko knew, even before she opened the door to her mother’s bedroom. Still, she entered quietly and knelt beside Kouyou, brushed her flaming red hair off her cool forehead. “Oka-san, I’m home.”

Even though she knew, she touched her mother’s neck, searching for a pulse she knew wasn’t there. “I’m home.”

The hollow silence, cold stillness under her fingers broke something in her soul. She had felt it a hundred times over at school, but all that death would never prepare her for the day she knew would come.

Akiko doubled over, as if she’d been punched, willing herself not to cry.

The young man wouldn’t need to speak with her unless he lost a fight.

Akiko and the man from the day before brushed past one another again on her way home. “Excuse me,” he called, and she turned. “I don’t think I caught your name yesterday?”

Akiko frowned. “Ozaki. Ozaki Akiko. Yours?” She asked more out of formality than anything.

The man shut his eyes with a smile, as if covering up a painful thought. “Of course. I would have expected nothing less from her.” He let out a short laugh. “She raised you well. My name is Rintarou.” He gave no other means of identifying him, though, in hindsight, Akiko probably shouldn’t have given him her own name like she did.

It didn’t much matter anyway. She never saw him again. She left the coast side town at the end of the week. Her patient had no need to come find her.

 3.

Izanami appeared in Akiko’s makeshift laboratory. “Does this please my lady?” Akiko jabbed as she turned the corpse on the table on its face.

Izanami only smiled. “You’ve got blood on your face.”

Akiko frowned. “I have blood on everything,” she snapped back. “What?”

Izanami looked taken aback at Akiko’s attitude. “Just thought I’d check in.”

“Why? You handed me a dead butterfly two years ago then disappeared.”

Izanami shrugged. “So I did. I’m really just using you for research.”

Akiko scowled, flipping the body back over so she could begin cutting it open. “You should have just said that. I would have been less suspicious.”

“Less suspicious?”

“I trust higher beings more when they’re not pretending they care about us humans,” Akiko explained, cutting the usual three-cut opening in the front of the torso.

Akiko tore out the sternum, an unusually effective bit of armor in this particular creature, with her bare hands and the unpleasant sound of cracking bones and tearing cartilage. Most of the blood sat in buckets off to the side of the room. Still, her hands came away bloodier than she would have liked.

Pair by pair, she forced the ribcage open, to allow her more room to remove the heart and lungs and diaphragm.

Izanami watched silently. Akiko wondered momentarily if she was amused or disturbed. She shook off that thought and continued with her dissection.

With a scowl, she turned over the heart in her hands. The only difference the coloring. Slightly more blue than a human’s. Bloodier, too. But it was difficult to dissect anything besides humans in a formal institution, and it would raise too many question. ns if she brought her own specimen.

Conclusion: better reinforced than the average human. Slightly taller. Stronger bones, adapted to be slightly better with protecting the organs. Otherwise roughly the same.

Akiko picked up the corpse and carried it to pyre outside. The buckets of dissected organs went next the stomach acid had already eaten away at the underbrush in a nice, wide circle. Akiko lit the corpse

Izanami seemed amused as Akiko stripped off her bloody clothes and slid into the water.

“You’ve made quite the reputation for yourself.”

Akiko glared at her over the surface of the water. “Thanks to you,” she bit sarcastically. “Why are you here?”

Izanami shrugged. “Only to suggest sticking around for next week’s cultural festival.”

flight to Paris

Description: You and Namjoon get into a fight after you overheard something you weren't meant to hear and things head for the worst. 

 warnings: 

ANGST! you have been warned

Normally we weren’t the type to fight, or argue, or raise our voices at each other, but today seemed to be different. I went to his studio after work as per usual, taking with me our dinner and a drink so that Namjoon didn’t have to worry about getting fed. Since their new album was coming out soon he had been extremely busy, most of his time was spent in his studio and the dorms, which I didn’t mind because it was his job and his passion, so I took it upon myself to make him more comfortable with whatever he was doing. I would make sure he drank water, made sure he was eating, that his back wouldn’t stay tense, that he was getting enough sleep and countless other things to care for him, because I knew he wouldn’t do it himself. 

Finally, I get to the lobby of the building that houses his creativity and use a special badge he gave to me to be able to reach his studio. I take the elevator and scan my badge which takes me to the hallway where the guys and him make music. I knock gently and slowly start to open the door knowing that he probably wouldn’t hear me even if I did knock any louder. I heard his voice and what sounds like Yoongi and Hoseok, on the other side of the door. Their tone made it seem like they were talking about something important, so I stayed frozen behind the door which was ajar. Namjoon pov “I don’t know man, there is something about her, she beautiful, and confident, she’s funny and smart, but she’s been so clingy lately. I need to work, so I can finish this. She comes everyday and she’s always asking me if I’ve eaten or slept but it’s getting annoying, like yeah cool I get she’s trying to take care of me… but I know what I’m doing. Skipping a meal or two won’t hurt me. As long as I don’t make it a habit you know.” I say with an exasperated sigh “I know her heart is in the right place, but I need my space.” I look at the guys for confirmation, but they don’t seem to want to give me their opinion. Yoongi opens his mouth as is if to speak but closes it again rethinking what he was about to say. “I get what you mean, but I think you’re taking it a bit far man, like yeah she’s gonna be like that because she cares. Don’t take advantage of that. It probably feels so great to be taken care of. I wish I had someone to care for me like she does for you.” He looks at me his eyebrows are furrowed, and he seems like he’s slightly upset. He was right she cared, and I loved that about her, and I was just being a jerk and I wasn’t appreciating her. “Damn-” the door to my studio slams shut. Confused, I walk to see who was outside. I open the door and to find the hallway empty. I walk back to my chair and finish my thought. “You’re right Yoongi, I’m just being an ass.” y/n pov Annoying. He thought I was… annoying? I didn’t know that loving him and caring for him was “annoying”. I stay by the door my thoughts drown out everything. Their words sound muddled. Tears well up in my eyes. This was one of my biggest insecurities. Ever since I was little people would say I was “annoying” so as I grew up, I tried to keep quiet and out of people's way. Trying my best to not be obnoxious, but no matter what I did I was always that girl. Always. I reground myself and notice I’m still standing by the open door. ‘I’ll give him what he wants then, ill give him his space.’ I thought. I slam the door and run back to the elevator. I step in quickly and repeatedly hit the close door button, through the slit between the elevator doors I see him walk out of the room and look around. The doors close before he’s able to notice me. I breathe deeply to try and undo the knot in my throat. I quickly shuffle out of the lobby and rush to my car. There I can finally let my emotions out, I let myself cry. Sobs fill my car, nobody notices, but then again nobody ever does. Namjoon pov Its been a few hours since the chat I had with the guys and I’m sitting alone in my studio. I feel off like something was missing, then I check the time 8:07 pm It was late I was starting to get worried. She hadn’t come to visit me, my stomach growled, and I looked at my phone. Sent: 4:31                                                                                                                                                                    Princess: Hey Love I just got out of work I'll be on my way soon I am going to pick up some food for both of us. Love you see you in a bit. ‘Shit. Was she the one who slammed the door? I should call her?’ I click her icon and press the call button; it rings twice, and I get sent to voicemail. “Hey, princess why didn’t you come by the studio today? I missed you, honestly, I’m a little anxious I just want to know that you’re okay. Uh… I love you… so much… please know that. Please call me back.” Worried I stare at my phone for a while hoping to get some reply from her. I tap my pen against the table and wait. I wait, and I wait, and I wait for what feels like forever. Yet, my phone doesn’t ring. Quickly I save my progress and pack my things. I walk out of my studio and rush back to our apartment. I run about twenty minutes until I reached our quaint flat. I get to the lobby and jam my finger into the up button for the elevator. I wait a few seconds for the door to open, but in my anxious state, I decide to take the stairs. Finally, I make it to our door and take the keys out of my bag, adrenaline was coursing through my veins which caused my hands to shake. I unlock the door, and I notice the apartment feels much cooler than normal, all the lights are off, and the house was eerily quiet. Did something happen to her? Did she get hurt on the way to meet me? Oh my God, she’s hurt. I look at my phone and check for her location, thank God we decided to get the locations tracking app. My mind tracks back to that day. That day had been terrible, everything was going wrong. It had rained and I forgot my umbrella, then the lights in the studio had gone out and my work hadn’t been saved so I lost all my progress, then I lost my card in my lightless studio, my phone was on the verge of death, and to top it all of my home the car I decided to take had broken down. It was 2 in the morning when I finally got home. I had decided to walk all the way back after the incident with the car. Finally, when I got to the apartment, I hear her sobbing in our room. I rush to her, ignoring my sore limbs and kneel next to her side of the bed. she had just moved to Korea and was stress about the change of setting. Her phone was in front of her, she was on a facetime call with her younger sister. She was wearing my favorite yellow sweater. “Hey, what’s wrong?” she refused to look at me and I took her phone and talked to her sister. She explained that she was stressed and that she was just feeling useless amongst other self-deprecating things. I calm her down and I get her to talk to me. “Honestly, I thought you left, I didn’t think you were coming back, or that something had happened to you. I was scared that you got hurt.” She lets out a few other concerns from her quivering pout and my heart broke. “First and foremost, I would never leave you. Ever. You mean the world to me, and there is noting that can make me think otherwise. And two, the car I took home had broken down, so I walked the rest of the way home and my phone was about to die so I decided to not use it, in case I absolutely needed it. I should have told you anyway, I’m sorry gorgeous.” I wipe a stray tear from her cheek. “Okay well I don’t want to sound super controlling or anything but when I was younger my parents had this app that would track my location in case something happened to me and my sister. I think it’s a good idea to maybe get it in case something like this happens again. Yeah?” I smiled at her worry and agreed to get the app… I check her location on my phone and notice that she isn’t too far away from our loft, so all an uber and head down again, this time taking the elevator. I stand outside the lobby and find my ride. It’s about a ten-minute ride. I recognize the building as we used to come here often. Her sister was living in some dorms while she studied with an exchange program at the university. She must have come here. I pay the driver and walk to the building. I go to the elevator and click the floor number and anxiously ascend to her dorm. Y/N pov I walk up to apartment 512 and use my key to get in, even though I had been here often it still seemed very foreign. I had texted my sister after I calmed down in my car, she told me she was free all day and that wed have a girls’ day so we could talk. I had briefly explained what had happened and what I had heard. I walk into her small apartment and throw myself onto her couch with an exasperated sigh. She walked out of her restroom with some fuzzy socks, a headband, and a matching robe, I smiled at her she responded with an apathetic smile. “you wanna talk about it or do you want me to distract you?” she hands me the fuzzy clothing. She’s not usually the type to be sympathetic, but she had a soft spot for me. I didn’t answer, but she knew what that meant. “Okay, so I got us face mask, ice cream, and other American snack you probably miss.” She quickly skips to the kitchen and walks back out excitedly holding something behind her back. I raise an eyebrow at her she smiles and pulls out a large Dr. Pepper. I smile at her and take the large bottle. We settle in and watch Friends on Netflix. Time goes by quickly and we decide to order some food. It's around seven when we finally began to talk, I had told her that I had overheard that Namjoon was getting annoyed of me, that he thought I was clingy and that he said he needed space. “He said he needed space? Hmm wow, what an ass but okay.” I vented to her for a bit even though I had talked to her about this insecurity before she was attentive. “How about you give him space? I have a week off school, all my professors are going to some convention… how about we go to Paris?” I looked up at her in disbelief. I had always wanted to go but I had never had the opportunity due to my, and Namjoon’s, busy schedule Paris had seemed like just a dream. “How are you gonna pay? Do you have enough to get a ticket and hotel fair?” She gave me a smug smile “I have my ways” she answered “don’t ask questions” she added quickly after. Her small feet patted at the wooden floor as she ran to her room to get her computer. She came back setting the laptop in front of us, she looked for tickets from Seoul to Paris, we decided on one and started to input our information. We were giddy and excited talking about all we could do together amongst other things when there was a knock at my door. “Yay! I think that’s the food.” Excitedly she runs to the door to grab our food. I was too engrossed in our planning to pay it any mind. Namjoon pov As I walked into their hall, I saw a guy stand outside of their door, I noticed his hands were full of food and paid him and took the food from him. I knocked on the door, anxiously I waited for it to open. I hear a high-pitched noise come from the other side and smile hoping it was my girl. I was slightly disappointed when her sister opened the door, she seemed bothered at the sight of me. She pushed me away from the door gently and closed the door behind her. “What did you do?” she whisper yelled at me “ she called me crying, what the hell did you say? You of all people know that being called annoying is one of her biggest insecurities, even if you didn’t think she would hear you, you shouldn’t have said that. She loves you so damn much…way too much for you to say shit like that.” I looked down at the ground, I was embarrassed at my behavior. I really was being an ass. “She doesn’t need another man-baby in her life if you can’t see that…” I interrupt her. “I love her, I realized that a while back, and I’ve been meaning to tell her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I don’t want her to think that I don’t appreciate her, or that I don’t love her, because I truly believe she’s my soulmate.” She looked at me with wide eyes, a small smile graced her lips. “Fine… go talk to her,” she said with a roll of her eyes. We walk into the apartment I kept my head down, and my steps light. “Someone is looking for you” her sister takes the food from my hand and took it to the kitchen. I saw her look at me then back at her computer she clicked a few buttons and returned to me. “What are you doing here?” her voice was like ice, it came to me like daggers, her words were harshly articulated, her normally smooth intonation was gone. She stood and walked towards me. I reciprocated her actions and took a step towards her but she took a step back. She looked like she was afraid of me, what had I done? The blood in my body drained to my feet, my heart ached. It suddenly felt like there was an invisible wall between us and no matter how hard I tried to break it, it stayed and persisted. “I thought you needed space? That’s what you told Hoseok and Yoongi. That I was getting too clingy,” she said nonchalantly, “I’ll stop doing that, don’t worry.” Her voice steadily grew in volume, she had never yelled at me. She was always soft-spoken and preferred to talk to defuse a situation. For her to raise her voice at me, I must have really hurt her. I knew that denying what I said would just make it worse. “Oh… so you heard that-“ she cut off my sentence with a loud sigh I decided it was better for me not to say anymore before I knew she calmed down. She took a deep breath so I continued. “I regret saying that, Yoongi pointed out that I was lucky enough to have a girl who really cared about me, and cared for me… because of all the stress… the new album brought… I didn’t even pay attention to all you’ve been doing for me… f-for us…” my voice came out weak and pathetic, I tried to swallow the knot that was logged in my throat but to no avail, the pain it caused lingered “I… can’t thank you enough… for all you do for me, and for us. You mean the universe to me. You are my universe, p..please” I fell on to my knees into a deep bow “forgive me, please.” My words stumble out of my mouth, my breathing was shaky, and you could hear it as I spoke, for once my voice betrayed me, cracking in unusual places making me seem even more pathetic than I was already feeling. I couldn’t bear to look at her, I wasn’t good enough to look at her. This was worse than any pain or worry that was caused by my job. She was my life, and I might have just messed it up. I could feel the tension building as if I was watching a movie and this was the part where the audience rooted for the girl to dump the guy. I was usually among those people but now that I am on the other side, I understand the difficulties. “I’m almost done with the album, all the time after that will be dedicated to you. I’ll reflect on what I did, and… and learn to appreciate you… because…because you’re not expandable” my voice calmed a bit. I hear her shuffle down to the ground, she kneeled next to me and grabbed my chin with her perfect delicate hands. She, even in my state of duress, still brought me immense comfort. She raised my head to look at her. Even with black circles under eyes, and with her unruly blond curls, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, I looked at her eyes, the honey color now seemed dark and cold, pain lied behind her pupils, and I was the cause of that. A single tear streaked down her face and I saw more tears building in her doe eyes. I could see myself reflected in the pools, but I was disgusted. Was I really so ungrateful that I was willing to sacrifice the single best thing in my life? “I think…” her voice was quiet, she spoke to me, in the same manner, one would speak to a crying child, “I think I need a little bit of time, for… for myself. What you said really hurt, and I need a bit of time to think things through. Just because you’re stressed doesn’t mean you can take that out on me. I just got some tickets for us to go to Paris for a few days.” She pointed at her sister and herself. “ I need some time to breathe and when I get back we can talk, okay?” her beautiful full pout was downturned, oh how I missed her smile. It always warmed me up after a long day and now I only felt cold. “I’m not mad… I’m not mad at you, but right now…” she breathed “know that I love you, and that hasn’t changed, but I don’t like you right now, you really hurt me. You may not have meant for me to hear that, or even meant what you said but…I can’t right now.” Pain ran through my body, I fucked everything up, my whole world was crashing down, I sobbed into my palms and broken apologies escaped my mouth I broke down in front of her. My body seemed to revolt with the pain of what she was saying. It felt like I was running a fever and no medicine could stop it. No, while she was away from me. Her sister walked back into the room she handed us both a bottle of water and some toilet paper to clean ourselves up. I shakily took what she handed me but couldn’t make myself take a sip of the water. I only clutched the bottle to my chest as I struggled to stop embarrassing myself further. “I uh… called Yoongi to pick you up Joon, we’ll be here if anything happens.” She said awkwardly then left to her room. There was a knock at the door, as the love of my life walked to it and let Yoongi come in. He pulled me from the floor with a heavy sigh, wrapping an arm around me for support. He walked me to the door and closed it behind us. “It's all going to work out” he reassured patting my head affectionately which made me think that maybe it wouldn’t be okay. It was very out of character for him and this was a rare side to him. At that moment, I knew that however long it took, I would wait for my princess.

y/n pov

“Uh, hey… someone is looking for you.” She walks back into the room and behind her stood Namjoon, he was caring what seemed like our food. I looked at him then back at the computer I clicked the check out button and quickly paid for the tickets. “What are you doing here.” All my pent-up anger had finally come out of me. He said he wanted space so why was he here? Did he come to rub it in my face, and lie to me? Had he been lying to me this whole time? Did he even like me? He walked towards me and I took a step back. “ I thought you wanted space? That what you told Hoseok and Yoongi. That I was getting too clingy. I'll stop doing that don’t worry.” My voice was in a steady crescendo, my initially calm tone had grown into a more aggressive, and assertive one. “ Oh… so you heard that?” he looked down at his feet and scratched the back of his neck. My heart sank, he didn’t even deny it. I look around to see my sister she gave me a steady nod and raised her arms as if to tell me to breathe. I did as she told me and took a deep breath. “I regret saying that, yoongi pointed out that I was lucky enough to have a girl who really cared about me, and cared for me because of all the stress the new album was causing I wasn’t even paying attention to all the effort you put into us and…” his voice wavered and he swallowed the knot in his throat “I can't thank you enough for all you do for me, and for us. You mean the universe to me. You are my universe, p…please” he fell onto his knees “forgive me, please.” He says, his usually smooth voice was given a slight vibrato, it cracked and his breathing became labored. I looked down at him, his crestfallen demeanor hurt me. I hated seeing him in any type of pain, and this opened my eyes. “I’m… I’m almost done with the album, all the time after that will be dedicated to you. I'll reflect on what I did and learn to appreciate you because you aren’t expandable.” His voice seemed a bit calmer, and he looked up to me, his eyes were swollen, and his nose was red. I knelt down to his level and grabbed his chin. “I think…” my voice cracked, “I think I need a little bit of time… for myself. What you said really hurt, and I need a bit to get over it. Just because you’re stressed doesn’t mean you can take that out on me. I just got some tickets for us to go to Paris for a few days.” I pointed at my sister and me “ I need some time to breathe and when I get back we can talk, okay?” I sent him a frown “I’m not mad… I’m not mad at you, but right now…” I paused “know that I love you, but I don’t like you right now, you really hurt me. You may not have meant for me to hear that, or even meant what you said but…I can’t right now.” He apologized between broken sobs. My sister came into the room with some water for us, and a roll of toilet paper for our runny noses. “I uh… called Yoongi to pick you up Joon, well be here if anything happens.” She said awkwardly then left to her room. There was a knock at the door, I walked to it and let Yoongi come in. he took Namjoon from the floor and walked out the door. After I heard the door close I feel once again to my knees.

hanahaki, n;

an illness born from unrequited love, where the patient’s throat will fill up with flowers and they will then proceed to throw, and cough up the petals

Part 2/2 - Read part 1 here

A/N: The first part of this sadly never got sent into the tags, so hopefully this one will. Very angsty, very emotional, but also sweet. Hope you like the second (and final part)

Word Count: 1,8k

Everything was a blur the hours after that. Some of your friends had scrambled to get you out of the apartment and into a car. It wasn’t that you hadn’t been present for the actions, but you were in a general shock of what had just happened. Everyone around you knew what this meant, it wasn’t an unfamiliar phenomenon, yet – it surpsisingly had not occurred to any of you yet. You wondered if they knew who it was directed towards, and you assumed the answer was yes.

 As you entered the emergency room, you were barely able to say your name to the woman behind the desk, whereas Hongjoong took care of the rest of the details. It was he, Seonghwa, San and his girlfriend who had brought you here. You found yourself staring at her; she looked at him with such concerned eyes, while his eyebrows were furrowed, focused. You didn’t have to wait long for a doctor to come get you. He told you that you couldn’t bring everyone inside, but that one was okay for moral support. Your eyes flew right to San, and he quickly got out of the lock his girlfriend had on him, walking over and grabbing your hand.

“I’m coming. You need your best friend.” He said, smiling in an attempt to comfort you. You wished to smile back, to show your gratitude, but instead… instead another coughing fit took place, once more sending you to your knees. The doctor kept telling you what to do to better it, but you could not catch half the words he said. San had instantly crouched down with you. He was quiet, still holding your hand in his, letting you squeeze it tightly. The other hand was stroking your back. His face was so close to yours that you could feel the warmth from his skin. Finally, two purple petals left your system, allowing you to breathe again. You switched your stare to San, looking at him through watery eyes.

“I’m right here.” Was all he said, then he got you on your feet and followed you into the examination room.

 The doctor told you about your condition. It had developed quite far already, and he recommended they would schedule a surgery in the morning to avoid the growth to further take over your lungs. You cried the whole time, and San held you through it all. Even though being freed from these feelings, and this disease, sounded like the best solution for you, you also could not bear the thought of your love for San disappearing. As the roses in your lungs would be removed, with them were also any romantic emotions towards the person who caused it. It was a hard pill to swallow, as you couldn’t imagine how it would be to not love San at this point, no matter how much it hurt that it was unrequited.

 Eventually, you were settled into a room. San grabbed the chair from the corner and brought it over to your bed, sitting down and leaning his elbows on it. You didn’t say anything for a good while, neither did you look at each other. Instead, you both stared at San’s fingers drawing circles in the sheets.

“You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to.” You finally said, causing San to stir and gain a serious look on his face.

“Of course I have to be here. You’re my best friend and I need to be with you through this.” He argued, making you cough a few times again – this time getting a single rose petal out without much issue. San reached his arm out and held your face in one of his hand for a few seconds.

“You ok?” He asked you, and you shook your head.

“San, I’m scared.” You admitted. He got up from his chair and sat down gently on the side of your bed. You could tell he still wasn’t completely sobered up, but he was 100% there with you in this moment.

“Me too.”

“San?” You felt your heart beating at the speed of light.

“Yes?”

“It’s you.” Then there was silence. He was completely frozen at your words, not showing any kind of reaction for a good 15 seconds. Then, he broke down. He fell towards you, his face landing in your chest, where he started releasing sobs. At first, they were quiet, then more violent, causing you more physical pain than anything else had ever done before. Your hands automatically wrapped around him and you intertwined your fingers in his hair, carefully stroking it and trying to coo him. Attempts failed as you couldn’t help but letting out even more tears yourself. You hated how heavy this hit him, how much it must be weighing on his conscience.

“I’m so sorry.” His words were staggered, every syllable being cut by a sob or heave for breath.

“It’s not your fault.” You assured him. “I just happened to fall in love with my best friend and he didn’t with me. That’s how life is sometimes.” You tried your best to stop the tears as you were speaking, but there was no use. It broke you to see him like this, making you regret that you even told him.

“No, I’m just stupid.” He said, pausing to regain his breath. He lifted his head off you and stared at you with swollen eyes. You raised your hand and removed a couple of tears from his cheeks.

“It’s okay.” You told him, putting on a light smile.

“It’s not. This is so horrible. It could have all been avoided but then it just, ugh.” He complained, letting his head fall against you once more.

“I’m going to be okay tomorrow, there is nothing to worry about.” You comforted him once more, leaning your cheek against the top of his head.

“What if you lose all feelings for me?” He asked.

“That’s kind of a big part of the whole surgery, isn’t it?” You tried jokingly, finding it hard to have an uplifting tone in your voice.

“I can’t lose you; I need you.” San told you, nuzzling his head into your chest and wrapping his arms around your back as best as he could.

“I’m not going anywhere.” You felt your heartbeat raising again, it being the first time you’ve had him in such an intimate position. For some reason, you also swore you could feel his heart against you – it was beating even harder and faster than your own.

“I love you.” San suddenly let out. Nothing more to follow, just those three words.

“I love you too.” You replied, feeling his grip around you tighten.

“Do you remember the first house party Hongjoong held at his place? Two years ago?” He asked.

“Some of it, other parts are blurred, why?” Your hands started scratching San’s back carefully, making him hum in approval for a moment before going on.

“I was planning to ask you out that night. But when I was drunk enough to come find you and confess my feelings, you were making out with Hongjoong in the hallway. I was… kind of heartbroken.” He admitted, making you let out a soundless gasp.

“I don’t- even remember that. And me and Hongjoong were just friends, and he never brought it up later either, so it didn’t even mean anything.” You attempted to explain yourself, but the lack of knowledge of the situation got in the way.

“It meant something to me. I thought that it should have been me and that I was too late. After, I spent so long trying to get over you, but I don’t know if it ever really worked.”

“San, I’m so sorry. This just doesn’t make sense to me because I remember so vividly one single part of that night, and that’s how I was so nervous to see you because it was the first time I had realised my feelings for you.” You felt another tear from San hit your chest, not knowing if you should speak more or let him process the situation. The two of you ended up lying in silence for a few minutes before San spoke up again.

“I’d exchange her for you in a heartbeat. No hesitation. This really does not make sense. I love you, I’m in love with you actually, and I always have been. You shouldn’t have this. My love for you is right here, I know you can feel it, can this stupid plant inside of you understand this already.” You could feel it alright, and it hit hard. It hit so hard that you practically had to push him off you for air, sitting up in your bed to help your lungs as you were thrown into another coughing fit. This one was violent, making you feel like the inside of your throat was bleeding or on fire or both. San had pushed the button for assistance, but was too impatient to wait, opening the door to the room and screaming for a nurse. In the meantime, it felt like someone ripped band aids off from the inside of your lungs, and that you were currently coughing them up. But they weren’t band aids, they were parts of roses: stems and petals and roots. As soon as the help entered the room, it was over. The bedsheets and floor were filled with purple and green of the plant you had just coughed up every single piece of. The nurse rushed over to you, made you open your mouth and looked inside. Then, she pulled out a stethoscope and listened to your chest, making you breathe and cough for her. With wide eyes she looked at San behind her, then back at you.

“You’re in love.” She said. You looked over at San with a questioning stare, not understanding what she was referring to as you were awaiting an explanation for the mess you just made. San, whose cheeks were still stained of tears, had his signature wide smile forming on his face.

“What do you mean?” You asked the nurse, still confused.

“You two! You’re in love, aren’t you? This is rare, those feelings coming out in a situation like this. Your body removed the disease on its own.” She smiled at you with the good news, quickly being pushed back by San who made his way to you and pressed his forehead against yours.

“We’re in love.” He laughed, his nose hitting your face right under your eyes. The closeness put you in a daze and sent your pulse to higher grounds once again. Unable to respond with words, you allowed yourself to remove the one gap between the two of you, letting your lips meet his in a shared smile.

Silence Screaming Over Your Words (part two)

if you all got so upset over part one, just wait to see what @ichlugebulletsandcornnuts and i have in store for you coming up...

warnings for this story: very blunt conversations of death, but also just death

[part one]

[Part 2: Distance Taking its Toll]

the night, obviously, is a very, very long one.

the physician comes and goes every hour, and jane seems to be getting worse with each visit. 

katherine finally cries herself to sleep, tears buried in her pillowcase as she fits through the night, her nurse barely able to soothe her to sleep each time. 

by six the next morning, jane is clinging onto her life by her fingertips, sweating and writhing, chest aching, and it pains everyone on her staff to see.

“i’ve seen this happen before,” a maid tells a member of the kitchen staff gravely. “when i was in the household of master cromwell. the lady of the house went first, then the two little girls, god rest their souls.”

the physician indeed checks in on katherine in the morning to see if she was displaying any symptoms after her restless night, but besides her obvious emotional anguish she seems perfectly healthy.

katherine, as soon as her evaluation is finished, plants herself on the floor outside of jane's room, in her nightgown, and refuses to move. 

tears flow down her face rapidly as she watches her mother writhe and cough, gripping her chest and sputtering for air, but the staff attempts to assure her that jane is strong enough to pull through.

then, at just shy of ten, jane falls completely still and her chest stops moving.

“mama?” katherine’s eyes are wide, and before anyone can stop her she rushes in. she makes it almost all the way to the bed before the physician steps in, examining jane.

“she’s still alive,” he says quietly. “but she’s getting weaker.”

“come on, katherine, lets give the physician some space,” her nurse tries to usher her out of the room, but katherine stands firm, staring at jane.

“i need to see her!”

the nurse and physician exchange a glance. 

“we shouldn’t let you get too close,” he says finally. 

with a quick examination of the room, the nurse pulls katherine back a few steps. 

“this is the best we should do, katherine,” she explains, “we don’t want you to catch this.”

jane’s face is shiny with sweat, her hair plastered to her cheeks and forehead as her chest barely rises and falls.

katherine watches with wide, tearful eyes, convinced she was witnessing her mother pass away without being able to say goodbye.

her mind goes to the stupid argument she had with jane before, where katherine had stormed off and told jane that she wasn’t her mum, and she feels shame and regret fill her entire mind. hot tears spill from her eyes and she hastily scrubs them away.

she sits in the middle of the floor, knees pulled to her chest, unable to look at jane. would the woman go, pass on with her last memory of katherine being a defiant brat? 

would katherine never be able to apologize for what she’d done?

as she thinks, face buried in her knees, jane’s wheezing breaths and tight, choked pleas reach her ears, and she suddenly has a memory, one of her birth mother in a very similar situation-

katherine gives a tiny gasp. would both of her mothers die the same way, leaving katherine alone in the world again?

it wasn’t fair. this wasn’t fair. none of it was fair!

was god punishing her for not being a good enough daughter? she got a second chance, but she was ungrateful and so jane is being taken away from her.

she tries desperately and suddenly to scramble to her feet and get closer to jane, wanting to hug her tightly and never let go, but her nurse grabs her and holds her back. katherine kicks and screams, tears streaming down her cheeks, and she knows she must be kicking her nurse but she can’t care about anything except jane right now.

her nurse’s arms are wrapped around her upper chest, holding her tight as she croons reassurances. with slow steps, she pulls katherine back and out of the room, the head of the household locking the door and tucking the key in her pocket. 

“we can’t risk you taking ill as well,” she says apologetically. “if lady seymour does pass, god-forbid, we will do everything in our power to keep you safe, katherine,” she promises.

katherine whimpers and goes limp, staring at the doorway and not looking at any of the adults around her.

“mama,” she mumbles, all the fight leaving her. the head of the household and her nurse glance at each other uncomfortably, then the nurse reaches down to her.

“come on, katherine, sweetheart. let’s get you some food.”

katherine can’t fight back, really allowing her nurse to bring her downstairs. 

the head of household slips the physician the key, and he goes in for the next examination. 

he returns only a few minutes later. “it won’t be long now,” he says gravely. “it’s... it’s likely she’ll pass in the next hour.” he checks his watch. “if somehow she pulls past that, she still has a long way to go before she’s truly safe.”

the head of household looks down for a moment, then back at the physician. “what of her little girl? can she see her?”

the physician sighs softly. “in half an hour it may be worth bringing her in to say her goodbyes, but she cannot get too close to lady jane. we can’t let the poor girl get ill too.”

the half hour crawls by, the physician keeping his mask on as he dips in and out of jane’s room, ensuring she was still alive, but she was fading fast. 

“come, katherine,” the head of household says, holding a hand out for katherine to take. the girl gets off the bench where her nurse and her had been eating, and the head of household leads her upstairs and into jane’s room, firmly holding her shoulders several feet from the bed. “you should say goodbye,” the woman instructs, voice thick with her own grief.

katherine stares over at jane, almost motionless on the bed, and her eyes fill with tears for what feels like the hundredth time that day.

“mama, i’m sorry,” she chokes out. she instinctively tries to step closer but the hands on her shoulders keep her still. “i’m sorry, mama. please don’t leave me.”

katherine’s tears turned angry for a moment. “you promised you’d never leave me,” she whispers. then everything inside of her bursts out, a hurricane tearing into the room. “you can’t leave me!” she wails. “i need you, mama!”

the woman on the bed doesn’t respond, other than a sputtering breath weaker than the last.

the physician looks over to the head of household, concern clear on his expression. “it might be best to take her out of here, now,” he says quietly. katherine hears, however, and she panics.

“no! don’t take me away from mama, please!”

“you can stay,” the head of household says quickly. “just- just, calm down, katherine.”

katherine does her best, trying to slow her breathing with jane’s voice giving soft instructions in her head. 

“mama,” she whimpers brokenly.

the single word, usually a surefire way to break jane out of any spell or thought, falls on deaf ears as jane grows weaker and paler. 

“mama,” she pleads again. nothing.

katherine can barely see, the tears blurring her vision almost completely, and she feels her knees buckle. her mother isn’t quite dead yet but katherine knows in her heart what’s coming next.

and it’s all her fault.

now jane is going to die thinking that katherine hated her, that she doesn’t consider jane to be her mother, when nothing could be less true. katherine wishes she could curl up next to jane and hug her tightly, and tell her mama exactly how much she loves her and will always love her.

the head of the household, as much as she doesn't want to do it, pulls katherine back until they are out of the room once again. 

it takes katherine several long seconds to understand what happened, and she begins to fight back. "i want my mama!" she cries, knowing exactly how childlike she sounds, but really doesn't care.

"we don't want you there when she passes," the physician says gently.

katherine won’t stop fighting, though. she’s never stopped fighting before and she’s not about to when her mum is on the edge of-

suddenly, jane takes a breath, choked and heavy but a lot more solid than her previous shallow ones. the physician turns around immediately and heads over to her, and katherine stills in her movements.

“what’s happening?” she asks, eyes wide. “is that good?”

the head of household takes the opportunity of katherine stopping her thrashing to close the door between them and jane.

even through the door, the wheezing, grinding breaths could be heard by katherine and the entire staff. 

it drags on for several long minutes, and the maid who had worked in cromwell’s house clicked her tongue quietly. “this is what happened before the lady of the house went,” she whispers to the butler, thinking she was far enough away from katherine, but the girl heard anyway. she begins to cry again, wishing on any star and praying to anyone who would listen that her mother would pull through.

the sounds from jane’s room go quiet, and there’s no noise except katherine’s sobs.

nobody quite knows what the silence means, if jane had passed or not, and the atmosphere through the whole house is grim and melancholy.

katherine’s nurse cradles the girl on her lap, whispering soothing words that fall on deaf ears.

the physician emerges a moment later, and everyone waits with baited breath for his next words. 

“she’s alive,” he mumbles, half-obscured by the mask he wears. “but only barely,” he continues, feeling everyone grew far too relaxed. “she’s extremely weak, and, if you want my honest opinion...” he falters, looking down at katherine with sympathetic eyes then back to the whole staff, “she probably won’t make it.”

katherine whimpers and clings to her nurse, closing her eyes tightly.

“no,” she chokes out. “no, no, no.” she shakes her head desperately, as if blocking out her senses and denying the situation will make it not true.

the butler stands and approaches the physician, exchanging quiet words that katherine can’t quite hear.

her nurse holds her and rocks her gently, hoping to soothe her but also knowing it was highly unlikely. 

katherine had already lost one mother, how is she supposed to deal with losing another?

a thought flickers across her head, and she bends her neck down to whisper in katherine’s ear. “what if we went and saw her majesty after this is over?” she asks. she remembers how fond katherine was of anna, and maybe the thought of the german queen would help to bring the girl back to earth.

katherine doesn’t seem to register her nurse’s words. she can barely focus on anything except the thought of her mother right now, let alone of the future, of a potential future without jane.

if jane was here, she’d probably tell katherine that everything is going to be okay. she’d whisper reassuring words and tell her that she loves her, and katherine would be calmed down in mere moments.

but jane isn’t here, and it isn’t okay.

katherine’s world once again shatters.

———————————————————————————————————–

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Rocking the Boat 2

A/n: AU Story! This does not go by the show! 

Link to Chapter 1 

Words: 3,529

Pairings: Gabriel x Reader

_____

The moment that you walked out of the bedroom, you instantly felt ill seeing the expressions on Dean and Cas’ faces... It was a mixture that any child hated seeing on a parent’s face…anger, sadness, and the worst of all disappointment. Cas was sitting on the couch looking at you with his stoic expression that you knew all too well. It was the one that he gave you any time that you did something wrong. Dean meanwhile, was just glaring...this was going to be fun!

  You didn’t realize you had stopped walking until you felt Gabriel’s hand on your lower back.

  “It’s okay, sugar.”

  His voice was calm as he tried to push you forward. You sat down on the opposite couch crossing your legs. It wasn’t okay. This was going to be a disaster in the making! You tried to pull your dress down as low as possible! Glancing back at Gabriel, you frowned. It would have been great if Gabriel didn’t throw your underwear somewhere. Sitting in front of your parents with Gabriel’s come leaking out of you was less than desirable!

  You didn’t notice Cas’ grossed out expression as he read his your thoughts. Normally Cas didn’t read your mind but he needed to know why you were making such horrible decisions! At this moment, there was no such thing as privacy! Cas wished that he had a bottle of brain bleach as Dean started talking. Maybe privacy was a good thing after all!

  “So it’s time for a come to Jesus meeting”

  Dean said coldly. Gabriel rolled his eyes.

  “I’m not going to him or doing shit for you. I’ve done enough for Jesus. I announced his birth and scared the shit out of Mary and Joseph. That’s enough.”

    Dean rolled his eyes. He was trying his best not to lunge at the archangel. Dean knew that it would do him no good but the thought of causing Gabriel some grief was too delightful!

  “Anyway…”

  Dean said coldly

  “How long has this been going on?”

  You looked to Gabriel. He slid his hand onto your thigh and earned a grossed out look from Dean.

  “A while. I love him and I’m not giving him up.”

  You replied. Both Dean and Cas needed to see that you weren’t about to walk away just because they didn’t like Gabriel. Dean rolled his eyes.

  “You do see who you are talking about? What he’s done to our family already?!”

  Dean snapped. Cas meanwhile, was still disturbed over you thoughts. While he was trying this best to get that out of his mind, he accidentally transferred his thoughts to Dean. Dean looked at Cas gaping before glaring at Gabriel.

  “If you knock her up I’m going to kill you!”

    Gabriel raised an eyebrow. Yeah, that was exactly what his plans were. Not! The last thing that he wanted to deal with was a kid! That would be a disaster!

  “Well, that came faster than expected.”  

  Gabriel commented looking almost bored. Dean quickly turned back to Sam who looked beyond uncomfortable himself. He had been waiting for Sam to say something but he hadn’t. Sam stood by the door looking like he was just waiting for a moment to bolt!

  “Holy shit! He’s going to knock her up! Sammy go get a morning after pill like now. Bring fifty! Y/n, GO SHOWER NOW!”

  Gabriel rolled his eyes before adjusting you onto his lap. He was enjoying the looks of displeasure on Dean and Cas’ faces. If the situation hadn’t been so serious, he would have cracked a joke.

  “Yes Sammy. Go waste time and buy pills that won’t do anything for her.”

  Dean gave Gabriel the biggest bitchy look known to man or angel.

  “Fine! Sam, go get me some lube and a pressure washer.”

  Gabriel was even more annoyed at that. He protectively wrapped her arms around you. You, meanwhile, was busy looking at Dean like he had lost his mind.

    “You aren’t touching her big boy.”

  Gabriel said coldly as he pressed a kiss to the top of your head. He carefully got up but kept close to you. He wouldn’t let Cas have a chance to teleport you out of the room and away from him. His golden eyes had gone a few shades darker as he looked at Cas.

  “So a little birdy told me that Michael is causing some problems Something tells me that he is going to be after Y/n because of you three morons.”

  Cas and Dean exchanged looks. Neither obviously wanted to talk about this subject. They hadn’t even talked to you about it. It made the knowledge to you being aware of everything worse!

  “Yes.”

  Cas said dryly. Gabriel was quickly losing what control he had of his temper.

  “Yes? Yes is all you can say Castiel?”

  Gabriel let loose a bunch of Enochian words that no one but Cas understood. You made a mental note to ask Gabriel what he had said later when he was calm. Cas just looked at Gabriel with wide eyes. Whatever Gabriel was saying was clearly enough to be a kick in the balls.

  “Gabriel.”

    You said his name in almost a warning tone hoping to calm him. Cas meanwhile, looked down at his feet. This was beginning to be enough! Your attention turned to Dean and Cas then Sam.

  “Look, I love him. I’m not changing that because you all don’t like it. I’m an adult and you should respect my decision.”

  Dean raised an eyebrow.

  “You have to give respect to earn it, baby girl. You should have come to us first.”

  You turned to Dean,

  “So you could call me stupid like you essentially are now? Gabriel and I have been very happy. This right here has been the worst of it. Furthermore, if I were to get pregnant it wouldn’t be your decision to kill it.”

  Gabriel looked really uncomfortable now.

  “I uh never planned on that, kid.”

  You shot Gabriel a look. It was in this moment Dean actually developed a molecule of respect for the archangel. Gabriel didn’t like the displeased vibes he immediately got from you. Did you actually want a child? Did you even realize how crazy that would bet? It would be the most reckless thing they could do and Gabriel wasn’t going to let it happen!

    Gabriel shrugged it off before focusing on Dean and Cas.

  “You know I am the safest person for her right now. You both are just mad because it’s me that she is in love with. If it was any other angel you wouldn’t have a problem. Well, guess what boys? It’s me that she wants. If you need to go cry over it, go for it. I’m protecting her from Michael and any other creep along the way.”

  Neither Cas nor Dean said a word for a few seconds. It was Dean who stood looking coldly at Gabriel than at you.

  “I’ve just had you with me since you were born. Guess I’m just having a hard time letting go.”

  He turned walking from the room without another word, leaving you feeling even more guilty. Sam stood following after his brother, hoping to prevent any more of a family meltdown. Maybe if he could talk to Dean, things would be okay!

  Deep down, you always worried about Dean. What if that was the last time that you saw him walk through a door? You knew Cas was keeping everyone young but what if something went wrong on a hunting trip and Dean couldn’t be saved?

  You quickly turned to go after your father but was stopped by Cas. His hands were gently on your shoulder.  

  “Let him cool down.”

    You nodded as Cas took your cheeks in his hands. The feeling of instant safety washed over you.

  “You’ve made your choice?”

  Cas asked calmly. His voice didn’t allude to disappointment or anger. It was calm and typical Castiel. You nodded.

  “I have.”

  Cas sighed.

  “I never expected our goodbye to be like this.”

  Your eyes widened. What did he mean goodbye?

  “Cas, what are you talking about?”

  Cas’ eyes mirrored his heartbreak.

  “Stay with Gabriel. Don’t leave his side.”

  Cas leaned forward pressing a kiss to your head before disappearing.

  You hadn’t moved your eyes from the place that Cas stood. Had your family really just abandoned you? What happened to that whole “family is everything” message that you had preached to you all of your life? Of all the years in your existence, Dean and Cas swore they would always keep you safe and love you. Now they were gone. They literally just walked out of your life over Gabriel?

  “Y/n?”

  Gabriel’s voice pulled you from your thoughts. He wrapped his arms around you. You had finally got the courage to look at your boyfriend’s face. What you saw was fury. You had never seen Gabriel look this angry before! Sure, you had seen him mildly irritated and annoyed but not like this. You wished that Cas and Dean could see this Gabriel. What they saw was the trickster. They didn’t see the angelic side…the side that loved and protected you!

  “I’m okay.”

  You sniffed. Gabriel rolled his eyes.

  “Yeah right and I was born yesterday. Sugar, you aren’t fooling me.”

  You nodded, feeling the hot tears well in your eyes. Gabriel put his chin on top of her head. He couldn’t stand seeing that! You crying was one thing that made him want to burn the world down.

  “It will be okay, baby. I promise.”

  You couldn’t respond. If you even tried, it would come out as a loud sob and words even Gabriel couldn’t understand.

  “Come on baby, let's go back to bed.”

  You didn’t fight Gabriel as he situated you back into bed. He spent a few moments trying to fix the disheveled sheets before finally getting frustrated enough to just snap his fingers fixing linens immediately.

  Neither of you said anything for a few moments. Gabriel looked down watching your eyes focus on the wall. He lovingly moved a strand of your hair away from your face.

  “I know I don’t say it enough sugar but I love you. If you want... I will go talk to your dad and Cas to fix things. If that means we can’t be together…I understand. You need your family…”

  Your head popped up. Was he serious? The last thing that you were going to do was give him up now!

  “What?! No. I want you. I’m in love with you! Gabriel if they will let something like our love push them away then…I don’t need them. You don’t abandon your child because she's in love with someone.”

  Gabriel was relieved at your response. The last thing he wanted was to give you up. You were the first actual person that Gabriel had loved in a long time.

  “You need to get some rest, baby.”

  He said softly before putting two fingers to your forehead and putting you into a peaceful sleep.

  Meanwhile,

  Sam, Dean, and Cas had managed to get back to their hotel room. Sam was busy looking at his brother and the angel with wide shocked eyes.

  “So this is it? We just leave her with him? We don’t even go back and try to talk this out?!”

  Dean nodded, walking to the mini bar taking out one of the $10 mini bottles of whiskey. He downed it in one shot before looking at his brother.

  “It's time Y/n learns that there are consequences for her actions. Cas and I can’t baby her forever.”

  Sam blinked. He was just beyond shocked. This was the absolute LAST thing that he had expected his brother to say or do. This was so out of character! From Dean being the protective loving dad that he was to being oh I don’t care was a complete cluster fuck of emotions for Sam to process.

  “Are you serious?! Dean, you sound like dad!”

  Dean shrugged.

  “Maybe Dad was onto something.”

  Sam quickly turned to Cas who was looking down at his shoes. His blue eyes were beyond devastated.

  “Cas, you of all people can’t do this to your own child. You two are just being salty because she loves Gabriel. He was right back there. If it was anyone but him you two would have been okay with it!!”

  Cas looked up.

  “Y/n  has to make her own choices. She needs to learn how to cope without Dean and I always being there. We have treated her like a child for too long. She needs to grow up.”

  Sam ran a hand through his hair not believing what he was hearing.

  “Sorry guys but I don’t share you fucked up thinking right now. I love Y/n. I love her like she was my daughter and I am not about to let her be on her own.”

  “She has an archangel”

  Dean said, dryly. The bitterness and jealousy in his voice was all too obvious. He didn’t make an effort to hide it from his brother. Sam groaned.

  “Yeah, she does. She has someone really powerful who is in love with her. Its Gabriel…woo freakin hoo! I’m not letting Gabriel and Y/n face all of this on their own. I’m not risking losing my niece because you two want to prove some point to your daughter. I’m out.”

  Sam turned walking from the room without another word. The last thing Sam wanted was to be stuck with Gabriel for an extended amount of time but if it meant keeping you safe then he would deal with it!

  The next morning…

  You woke up to an empty bed.

  “Gabriel?”

  You said his name nervously. What if he decided to leave you after all?

  “Other room, sugar snap. Put on some clothes.”

  You slowly got out of the bed and looked around for some clothes. Maybe today would be better than yesterday! That was the only hope that you could have at the moment!

  After slipping into some clothes, walked back into the living room. You froze the moment that you saw Sam sitting on the couch.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Sam stood. He looked at you sympathetically. Sam wanted to tell you that Dean and Cas were idiots and that he would never hurt you. The words, however, wasn’t coming as easily as he would have hoped!

  “Dean and Cas were wrong to do what they did. I want no part of that. Y/n, I have watched you grow up and you have every right to love whoever you want. This is just like it was when I fell in love with Ruby…”

  You glanced at her Gabriel. He sat on the opposite couch with his feet on the coffee table. He gave you a nod to signal it was good with Sam. You turned back to him with a smile.

  “Thanks Sam. You can stay with us if you want but don’t think you are going to be telling me what to do.”

  Sam nodded.

  “You’re an adult. You need to make your choices. I am just keeping the promise that I made to your mother. I promised to keep you safe and I plan on keeping it that way.”

  You were halfway waiting for Gabriel to make a sassy witty comment but he didn’t. You wondered how long Sam had been in the living room and about the conversation that he and Gabriel had. What had they hashed out in the hours that you had been sleeping?

  “I’m glad you are here, Sam.”

  You said with a smile before hugging your uncle. Gabriel stood when you let go of Sam. He wasted no time in pulling you back against him. Gabriel and Sam didn’t even seem to acknowledge the other. He didn’t care that Sam looked a little grossed out. The abnormally large Winchester would have to get used to it. He was about to see a lot of physical affection!

  “I’m going to find you some breakfast, princess then we are getting the hell out of here.”

  Meanwhile….

  Dean awoke in a cold sweat. He had a restless night sleep all night. Every dream he had was a memory of you as a child. The last one disturbed him the most…

  You were still a baby and was crying…Dean awoke like he did any other night hearing your cries. Where was Cas? Normally night time was Cas’ shift. Cas usually spent most nights holding you. He spent his time memorizing all of your features. It was a rare moment when you were put into your crib. It was probably the reason you hated the thing!

  Dean lay in bed a moment longer waiting to hear Cas go into the room and comfort you. He was used to hearing  When the crying continued Dean finally got up stumbling into the opposite bedroom.

  “All right Y/n. Daddy is here.”

  When he looked down into the crib his heart stopped seeing no baby in the crib.

  “Y/n?”

  His voice trembled as he removed one blanket to only find another blanket repetitively.

  “Looking for this?”

  Dean stood turning to see Gabriel holding you with a smirk on his face.

  “Yeah, let me have her.”

  Dean said coldly. Gabriel shook his head. His golden eyes looked cold. This Gabriel was different. There was something more sinister to him...more angelic. Dean winced at the realization that Gabriel was in true archangel from...the way that he was “supposed” to be.

  “No. You threw her away like she was trash. You get what you get.”

  Dean had awoken from the dream trembling. He looked around the room for Cas but the angel was nowhere. Dean ran a hand through his hair before he quickly dressed bolting from the room. He had to talk to you! Maybe if he apologized and agreed to try to get along with Gabriel...everything would be okay. You deserved an apology! What kind of dad treated their kid that way! Dean Winchester typically didn't! You were right about everything! He was just mad because it was Gabriel!

  Arriving at the other hotel, Dean took the stairs two at a time until he arrived at the room. Banging on the door, Dean was almost jumping up and down. Why weren’t you answering?! Why wasn’t the stupid archangel answering? If Sam was there where the hell was he?

  Having enough, Dean took out his knife to pry his way in. The three of you couldn’t ignore him once he burst in right?  Someone would have to pay attention to him!

  Once he got in, Dean’s heart sank. The room was perfectly clean awaiting another guest. You weren't there. You were gone! Something shiny on the bed caught Dean’s attention. He walked into the room, hoping to see a note or something. Instead, he found the locket that he and Cas had bought you when you turned 6. You had never taken it off since your birthday. Now here it was abandoned in an empty hotel room.

  Dean sat down on the bed holding the locket in his hands. Putting his head down, Dean felt like the biggest ass known to man. Not only had he lost his little brother but now his little girl! His little princess was gone. He had a sinking feeling that he would never see you again. For the first time in a long time, Dean allowed himself to cry….

  How would he tell Cas? This wasn’t what they expected. Dean believed that you would come running back to them just like you always had. They never expected you to take off with Gabriel. That was what they didn’t tell Sam the night previous. It had been a ploy to teach you that you shouldn’t have lied to them. Instead, it was clearly teaching both Dean and Cas a lesson. They should have listened to their daughter!

  Taking out his phone, Dean called your number. As he waited for you to answer, the sound of your phone ringing came from across the room. Dean groaned throwing his own phone angrily. You hadn’t even taken your phone. Clearly, you knew that he could trace you! You knew all of the tricks.

  Dean sighed before getting up and taking his phone from the floor. He growled angrily as he dialed Cas’ number. He waited a moment before quickly hanging up. The last thing that he wanted to do at the moment was to call Cas. He knew a text in this situation was a pretty big douche move but Dean couldn’t handle anything else.

  “Cas, she’s gone. I came to talk to her. She and Gabriel are completely MIA. She has left her phone and took off. Our baby is gone…”

_______

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what are your top 5 clips/scenes from s2 of skam italia? (i know it's hard to choose)

This was incredibly difficult, anon. How dare you? But l gave it a good go. This took longer to answer than I intended because I am me and thus I could not stop prattling on. Sorry? But here we are:

1. La Grotta / Martino e Niccolò

Tied first place because it is impossible to separate them. I refuse. I know I have already talked everyone to death about both of these clips but I just adore them. Every single thing about them. They are so important. La Grotta took my breath away. Both Rocco and Fede did such an incredible job at conveying the emotion of this moment. Because the thing is, Marti's issue was never entirely to do with Nico having a mental illness. Despite what happened in Milan, Marti still wanted to see Nico, to know that he was okay. Marti's struggle was predominantly with the idea that Maddalena (*side-eyes*) planted in his head that Nico's illness somehow voided their relationship and his feelings for Marti. Nico's illness never made Marti love him any less. In fact, Marti was afraid of the opposite. That Nico's illness meant that Nico didn't love him. And all of that is just so apparent in this clip. Because as soon as Marti realises that Nico is truly in love with him, not even God himself can fucking stop him from getting to that terrace. The entire scene on the terrace is utterly heart-wrenching and breathtaking. One of the most beautiful things about that moment is that Marti does not stop smiling through it all. It is the most certain and understanding and reassuring smile. He looks at Nico with so much softness and conviction. Because he knows that Nico loves him now. And that's all that really matters. Yes, it's going to be tough. But it's worth every second. He breaks through Nico's shame. He literally kisses away his tears. He soothes Nico's deepest fears. And all Nico can do is watch in silent awe that this boy really exists in front of him. That Marti's not ashamed of him or abandoning him. Like, it's so beautiful? Everything about it is just so beautiful.

Martino e Niccolò is just as beautiful. I've talked about this before so I'm not going to write an essay, but Nico's fragile vulnerability hit me like a fucking train. I can feel every single moment of his conflict and shame in this scene. Of how utterly terrified he is of Marti witnessing a depressive episode. Terrified that he's going to drag Marti down with him and that Marti will inevitably end up hating him and leaving him. And Marti handles it with such care and reassurance. So much gentle certainty. I am truly in awe of that boy. He is such a grounding presence for Nico. It was so lovely to see Nico respond the way he did. Because despite how completely horrible he feels he manages to smile. And that's a wonderful thing.

(Also I love when Marti's on the phone to Maddi and she says, "It's not true that he only wants to be with you because of his illness" etc. Because Marti's face is so funny? His expression literally says, "Yeah, cheers, but I already fucking know that now. No thanks to you." In fact, he doesn't even dignify the comment with a response. I love you, Martino.)

2. Due Ore

I will never forget the night that clip dropped (or the previous night when we were all sat waiting for it and it didn't drop, what a fucking time). I love every single second of Due Ore. The atmosphere -- the feeling -- of that scene was just incredible. It was like an exhale. You could feel it. Could feel the relief, the finally, this is where we're supposed to be, after the tumultuous push-and-pull of the last couple of weeks. You could feel the inevitability of it when they were stood there staring at each other. Nico's nervous anticipatory smile as he waited for Marti to make the first move. Marti grinning back at him in earnest. They both knew that there needed to be an actual conversation at some point. But in that moment it just wasn't necessary. It could wait. Because everything was written on their faces. This is what I want. You are what I want. We talk about fate a lot with these two -- the red string of fate! -- and I never felt it more strongly than I did in this scene. You could almost see the damn string tying them together. It was inevitable and they both knew it.

3. Patatine e Marmellata

Getting to see them wake up together was such a blessing. The way Marti was sleeping on Nico's chest, gosh. They looked so peaceful and content. It was wonderful. And their conversation -- the conversation that they inevitably had to have -- about Maddalena was important. "I want to figure out how I feel for myself." It gave us an important insight into Nico's headspace and the way the people around him treat him and his illness. When Marti directly asks him how he feels, Nico's face just lights the fuck up. It hurts my heart a little. When was the last time someone asked him that without trying to dictate the answer for him? His soft, whispered answer of "You know perfectly well. And it's never happened to me before." He knows how he feels and he can finally say it and not have it questioned. Marti's smile and his little breath of a laugh -- like he just can't contain how delighted he is that they feel the same way -- before his "Me neither". And then of course, Buon Viaggo. The way they literally cannot stop grinning at one another. Their soft kisses in between serenading each other. I mean, you could not make this up. And god, the way Marti stares up at Nico when he starts singing absolutely floors me every time. He is so in love with him he is completely incapable of keeping it off his face. Then he just straight up calls him the man of his dreams. And not forgetting the boys and their incredible dance and sing-a-long while cleaning the kitchen. How was this clip even real? What a fucking blessing.

4. Nel Mio Letto

Soft Boyfriends(tm). This is always my first go-to clip when I'm feeling particularly awful. Because there is just something so incredibly comforting about it. It's like a warm blanket and a hot cup of tea on a bitter cold winter's day. I think it's to do with the cosy softness of it all. The way they're intertwined. The sleepy cuddles and kisses. The coffee. The coffee heart. The song. It's like a wonderful bubble of contentment. Like Nico's bed is its own little safe haven. I love the whole atmosphere of it. It really does feel like they are the only two people in the world. Which ties in perfectly with their conversation about the last man on earth. (Still sad they didn't get their three days in bed though.)

5. Halloween

HALLOWEEN. Everything about this is iconic. The giraffes on the beer glasses? Marti dramatically ditching his mask in front of the Catholic church? The lighting in the pool? That shot of them underwater where they're surrounded by an endless expanse of water like they're in the ocean? Nico somehow managing to never stop fucking smiling at Marti even when trying to hold his breath underwater? I love that Skam Italia managed to make the pool scene their own. It was a world away from the OG scene (in the sense that it has a completely different feel to it) and I love that. I love that they're both essentially the same scene but evoke so many different emotions. There was this sort of giddy anticipatory feeling with Marti and Nico. Their kiss was like taking that first breath after being underwater for so long. The way they clung to each other? The way they were so in awe of each other? Like in Due Ore there was that overwhelming feeling of joy and relief. Finally.

Honorary mentions, because just five is too hard:

Tu Non Sei di Milano

It feels a little bizarre to call it a favourite clip. It would perhaps be more accurate to say that it is a clip that particularly resonated with me. I have only watched this clip in its entirety three times. The first time I was on a bus to London -- frankly I should have known better than to watch it in public -- and I almost had a panic attack while watching it. I sobbed in a public bathroom for a good twenty minutes, it was quite the day. Because I recognised so much of myself in Nico and his behaviour and I felt so much empathy for him. It hit me like a fucking train. It was the most difficult clip to watch, but it was also incredibly important. It took me a long time to rewatch it. The second and third times were difficult too. But also cathartic in a way. When you suffer from an illness like BPD, it can be incredibly isolating. You can feel like there is no one else in the world who can possibly understand what you're going through or what it feels like. Sometimes I think, "I'm ridiculous. No one else does this crazy shit. Why am I like this? Why can't I just snap the fuck out of it?" Watching that clip was validating in a lot of respects. It was difficult to watch but it also reminded me that I am not alone. That there are other people out there who experience the same struggles that I do. Who battle with episodes like this too. It was an incredibly tough watch, but it was so important.

Also, veering away from the more painful aspects of that clip: I absolutely love the way Nico seduced Marti in front of that damn neon light. Marti's soft and naive voice when he's attempting to read the "how fun". Nico's "no, no, it says Marti and Nico" and insisting Marti look again just so he can catch him by surprise in a kiss. Those achingly slow and soft kisses they exchange are probably my favourite kisses of theirs. That scene was just so intimate and beautifully done.

Vediamo

One of my favourite things about this season is the dynamic between Marti and his mother. It was so lovely to watch them heal and slowly but surely repair their relationship. Vediamo really captured the essence of that. Marti's misplaced anger towards his mother during the fallout of Milan. The brutal yelling. The way they both sit on opposite sides of the door. Marti's quiet and tearful "Are you sitting there?" His mum asking him if he thinks she would have a problem with it and then her sobbing "You are the most important thing in my life." The two of them just bloody sobbing on either side of the door. I am tearing up thinking about it. Good grief. I absolutely adore Mamma Rametta. And of course, "Vediamo" and her calling it Martinese for "No." Their tearful laughter. I love it so much. They have their ups and downs but they really do love each other unconditionally.

Effettivamente

This might just be one of my favourite coming out scenes that I have ever witnessed. Fede did such a wonderful job at conveying Marti's inner struggle. The way Marti has to fight to get the words out. The way he falters a little when he says "It's not a girl." It makes my own heart falter every single fucking time I watch it. You can see him wrestling with the words. And Gio, darling Gio. I love Giovanni Garau with a U (it's Sardinian), resident Love Wizard. He's such a wonderful friend and I just really adore the way he handles it. The way he stops playing FIFA to give Marti his full attention. That wonderful and supportive smile of his. How he asks questions about Niccolò and lets Marti get out some of the shit he's been holding onto. He really puts Marti at ease. You can see the relief seep into Marti's body when he realises that nothing is going to change between them because of this. Marti's huge smile when Gio says "He needs to leave his girlfriend" and then ruffles Marti's hair. I love supportive best friends.

And there you have it. Sorry, you asked for five and I gave you about nine. You probably didn't want a novel. But what can I say? I have a lot of love to share.

2. Simmer Down

Masterlist

Previous Part

Warning(s) for: Mild PTSD

Georges Bizet’s “Carmen” is a French Opera

End of October 1944

   Sunday slowly passed, leaving Klaus tired, drained, and wondering if Freddy felt the same. They once again spent the day barely exchanging a few words before splitting off in opposite directions- Klaus in the study and Freddy in the sitting room or his bedroom.

     No less than an hour after dinner, Freddy had entered the kitchen to grab a glass of wine to nurse for the rest of the evening. But, when he caught sight of the small but dying bouquet of flowers that Klaus had gotten him for his birthday two weeks prior, a sudden wave of distress washed over him. He quickly found himself standing at the sink, slightly hunched over as he tried to keep his emotions at bay.

     Klaus, who thought Freddy was still upstairs, had walked into the kitchen to look for a pencil he had left behind but only found his partner crying over the sink.

“Freddy, Liebling, are you okay?” He asked as he hurried over in a panic.

     Freddy choked out a broken sob in response and continued to cry. He felt like he couldn’t move. Klaus carefully placed one hand on the sub-officer's shoulder and leaned against the counter to get a good look at him.

“Are you okay? Look at me, Schatzi.”

     Freddy nodded and briefly glanced over before looking away. Klaus slipped his hand to Freddy’s back and gently rubbed it.

“Take deep breaths, deep breaths.”

     The sub-officer did his best to slow down his breathing but his breath got stuck in his throat, making him cough and dry-heave for a moment.

“Are you okay?” Klaus softly asked, wondering if he was the cause of this.

“I’m fine,” Freddy rasped out as his tears calmed. “I’m fine.”

     Klaus nodded and stepped around him. He placed his hands on the sides of Freddy’s arms and kissed the back of his head before resting his forehead in the same spot. Freddy didn’t budge but continued to take deep breaths.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Klaus carefully asked.

     Freddy waited a moment to respond.

“I don’t think I want to.”

     Klaus deeply inhaled and then exhaled before giving the other’s arm a gentle squeeze and rub.

“Okay. I’ll be in the study,” The captain softly told him.

     Freddy didn’t reply and Klaus walked off and down the hall. He left the study door more than halfway open to make it feel more welcoming if the sub-officer wished to talk later.

     Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Freddy quietly listened to the piercing creak of the study door’s hinges. When it went silent, he took a deep breath and opened his eyes. His eyes were irritated and watery and his nose was wet and drippy. He had no idea why he had broken down like that nor could he understand why he couldn’t get a grip. His heart continued to ache despite his attempts to soothe it. And for some reason, that scared him.

     The sub-officer took a few minutes to pull himself together a bit before grabbing his much-needed glass of wine before heading into the sitting room and placing a record on the player. He hooked his headphones up to it, pulled the armchair closer, and placed the headphones on as he placed the needle down. He curled his legs up to his chest and rested his head in one hand while the other traced a stitch in his pant leg.

     He closed his eyes as the prelude to Georges Bizet’s ‘Carmen’ entered his ears. It wasn’t the most soothing piece to start calming down to, but the opera was one of Freddy’s favorites. For a moment he did think about finding his favorite track on the album, ‘L'amour est un oiseau rebelle’ but he didn’t want to bother trying to correctly match the needle up to the correct track, so he let the piece continue. Soon enough, Klaus’ favorite track, ‘Sur la place chacun passe’, began to play. Freddy sighed and turned it down a bit.

     As he waited for the track to come to its resolve, he couldn’t help but think about Klaus and what had happened. He knew that Klaus probably had no ill-intentions and that he still loved him, that was obvious from earlier, but his rejection hurt Freddy a great deal. He didn’t understand why Klaus was so against the idea of being married. It’s not like they’d have to go through a legal process or have to wear rings- They’d know and that is what would matter most to Freddy.

***

     Later that night, Klaus woke up in a cold sweat. His labored and panicked panting slowly calmed as he looked around and into the darkness, making sure he wasn’t back in Russia. His dream was a twisted form of reality, just like everyone else’s- But it startled him a great deal. It’s like they were back on the front during the night that put them both in a hospital but this time their roles were reversed. Freddy was bleeding out in his arms and Klaus felt absolutely helpless. The night terror only ended when another bomb went off, sending the captain up and off his pillow in the real world.

     Klaus took a few calming breaths and slowly rubbed the sides of his thighs as he tried to forget the images that flashed through his mind from his dream. He slowly lied back down and pulled a pillow close to his chest, feeling disoriented and lonely.  

     A long and arduous hour of trying to get comfortable and calm enough to fall asleep passed before Klaus thought to go ask Freddy to sleep with him for the rest of the night, or now, morning. He debated about it because he already felt bad about what happened a handful of hours ago but eventually decided to step out of bed and give it a shot. He slowly padded down the hallway, carefully navigating down the dark corridor the best he could with his one good eye. He rapped on the door with a loose fist and hoped that it was loud enough to wake Freddy.

“Finkie?” He croaked out.

     Much to his luck, he was greeted with the sound of a creaking bed frame and then the sound of footsteps. The door soon slowly creaked open, revealing Freddy and a softly illuminated room behind him. The sub-officer looked at him with tired eyes as he leaned against the door-frame.

“What is it?” He quietly asked with a frown.

Whether the frown was caused by him or something else, the captain didn’t know.  

     Klaus’ breath caught in his throat as he went to speak. His gaze was locked in with Freddy’s for a moment as he thickly swallowed.

“I um… I had a bad dream and haven’t been able to fall back asleep since,” His face slightly flushed when he realized he sounded like a child. “I was wondering if I…”

     He rolled his lips together, hoping that Freddy would understand what he was saying so he would have to say it himself. But, Freddy only waited with crossed arms and a slightly raised brow.

“I was… Could I sleep with you tonight?”

     Freddy’s gaze softened for a split second before retreating to a tired expression. Klaus tried to not fidget as he waited for a response but found it increasingly harder as seconds passed. He was beginning to feel discouraged by Freddy’s silent consideration.

“Nevermind,” He then quickly ushered out. “I’m sorry for bothering you.”

     As he turned and began to defeatedly retreat to his bedroom, Freddy cleared his throat.

“Klaus.”

     The captain turned around to see Freddy coax him back with a slight head movement.

“Come on.”

     Klaus let out a quiet sigh of relief and followed Freddy back into the bedroom. The sub-officer remained silent as Klaus turned back the comforter and sheet.

“Did I wake you?” Klaus asked as he got into the bed.

“No. I’ve been reading,” Freddy replied as he pulled the covers over his lap.

“It’s nearly one, though,” The captain said, a bit surprised.

     Freddy nodded and slipped his book off of the nightstand before flipping it open.

“You don’t mind the light staying on, do you?” He asked.

     Klaus shook his head no and settled in against the pillow. If he could fall asleep in the trenches, he could fall asleep with the light on. The captain settled in beside his lover with a yawn, his exhaustion seemingly taking over.

“Freddy?”

“Hm?”

A beat.  

“Thank you.”

“Mhm.”

     Minutes passed and Klaus quickly began to drift off, comforted to know that Freddy was next to him. Too sleepy to consciously make a decision, the captain wrapped an arm over Freddy’s lap and slightly pulled him closer by his waist. The sub-officer tensed but soon relaxed with a sigh. It wasn’t long until he placed his book back down on his nightstand and reached over to shut off his lamp, trying his best to not disturb Klaus as he did so. When the light went out, he wiggled down his pillow and laid on his side before securing the other man’s arm around him.

***

     Freddy woke the next morning to the ringing of his alarm clock, cold and alone in bed. As he shut the clock off, he felt a little disappointed that Klaus wasn’t still in bed with him. Sure, he was still upset with the captain but waking up to him probably wouldn’t have been that bad. He sighed and rolled out of bed before dressing and heading downstairs and into the kitchen.

“G’morning,” Klaus greeted as he sipped his tea.

     Freddy gave him a small smile and said ‘Good morning’ back before going on to make himself breakfast.

     The morning went smoothly but there was no talk of the previous day’s events or their fight from a few nights back. It stayed calm and civil even with the tension that still lingered in the air. When they arrived at the office, both men were given the materials they’d be teaching the following week. Much to his dismay, Freddy was assigned the pregnancy lesson. He asked why Ida couldn’t have done it, considering she would be the only female instructor at the camp that weekend but was told that she had already denied that lesson. With a disgruntled sigh, he picked up the material and began to review it. He first complained about it to Klaus at lunch later that day.

“The models they gave me aren’t even close to being anatomically accurate, K,” Freddy explained as he lit a cigarette, his nerves getting to him. “If they’re expecting a bunch of ten to thirteen-year-old girls to know how to get pregnant they can at least teach them the correct and safe way- Not that I’m supporting it or anything.”  

     He made sure to add that last point, just in case.

“They don’t even bother to include the amount of pain and waiting they’ll have to go through once they go into labor- Christ, I remember when Anna told me about how it felt to deliver Mathilde and it did not sound pleasant at all-”

     Klaus listened on, honestly a bit disgusted and horrified at the contents of this lesson, but was glad to hear Freddy talk so much. It had been the most he had heard the sub-officer say since they had their big disagreement. But ultimately, Freddy’s rambled and upset mood only carried on throughout the day and back home, leaving no room for positive tangents or conversation that evening.

     After dinner, which was earlier than usual that night, Klaus needed a long smoke break to release the slight irritation that had built in him from Freddy’s bitching about the contents of his lesson. So, he slipped out the front door and sat on the front steps, and watched as the sun went down. When he re-entered the home after his smoke, Freddy was standing in front of the record player with his headphones on and slowly swaying to the music. The sight made the captain’s heart just a bit heavier. It was so tempting to walk over, unhook the headset, take Freddy’s hands in his, and slowly sway with him. But, Klaus knew better. He knew that that wouldn’t happen until things were fixed with Freddy. But since his lover didn’t seem like he wanted to discuss it, or maybe even fix it, Klaus didn’t try approaching the topic with Freddy. So, he pushed himself further into the home and into the study.

-

November 1944

     A few more days passed and there was little to no physical intimacy between the two men since the night Klaus stayed in Freddy’s room. This was one reason why Freddy decided that he had had enough of feeling hopelessly upset every day. Besides, it had been a week since the conflict and the sub-officer deemed that far too long for zero progress. So, after dinner, Freddy gently knocked on the study door before stepping in.

     Klaus, who was sitting at the desk and trying to perfect his drawing skills once again, looked up and turned around. His gaze immediately softened and his heart stopped for a moment.

“Hey,” He forced out. “Is everything okay?”

“I want to talk,” Freddy asserted.

     Klaus nodded and pushed out from the desk.

“Do you want to talk here or somewhere else?”

“Here is fine,” Freddy softly replied before taking a seat on the small decorative couch while Klaus turned the desk chair around.

     They both glanced around one another before Klaus took a deep breath and spoke up.

“Where do we start?” He asked.

     Freddy thought for a moment as he crossed his legs.

“How about… How about how we’ve been feeling?” He suggested.

     Klaus rolled his lips together and nodded.

“Okay,” He met Freddy’s gaze. “Would you like to start?”

“Yeah.”

     Half a minute passed before the sub-officer began.

“I’ve been feeling tired, maybe exhausted. I um…” He shifted around a bit. “I’ve felt sad... Angry.”

     He sighed and thickly swallowed, trying to hold back tears as he did so.

“I’ve missed you even though you’re right down the hall,” It was becoming increasingly harder to hold back tears, but Freddy pushed on. “I miss seeing you smile and hearing you laugh at something dumb I said…”

     He wiped his eyes and met his partner’s gaze.

“I just miss being happy with you.”

     Klaus nodded with a frown, disappointed with himself that he was the reason why Freddy was feeling that way.

“I do too, Finkie. I… I’ve felt the same way,” He licked his lips. “But I think I’ve mainly been more scared than anything. Scared of losing you. Scared of ruining what we have.”

     Freddy nodded, showing that he understood.

“Now before we get into us… ” Klaus sighed and looked down to his watch, the cracked one, before looking back to Freddy. “I’m sorry about what happened last week. It shouldn’t have gone the way it did.”

     That last part gave Freddy a little bit of hope that Klaus had changed his mind.

“But I- I stand by what I said last night.”

     Freddy’s face fell.

“Nothing would change if we were married, just the title of what we are...” Freddy meekly argued.

“Freddy, I-” Klaus sighed and put his hands in his face before dropping them and looking back up to Freddy.

     He moved forward and took his lover’s face in his hands.

“Freddy, I love you,” He softly told him. “I love you more than life itself. You know that, right?”

     The sub-officer slightly nodded as Klaus brushed a tear from his face.

“It’s not easy for me to say ‘No, let’s not do that’ because I’d love to, Finkie,” He continued. “If I could, I would have married you a long time ago.”  

“Really?” Freddy breathily asked as a smile formed on his face.

“God, of course, Finkie. Of course,” Klaus assured. “And I should have gotten you out of here the moment the opportunity presented itself. But, I didn’t. We didn’t get out and we’re here fighting for our country.”

     He dropped his hands and Freddy continued to intently listen.

“Marriage will mean something completely different and new to us as people. As partners. Even if it’s not a legalized one,” Klaus paused to allow a moment for Freddy to speak, but the sub-officer didn’t take it so he continued. “We don’t know what’s going to happen after this war ends, or when it will end. You don’t know what position we’ll be put in after all of this. We could be forced to live a bigger and deeper lie than we ever have.”

���I get that, but… I mean, how many years have we been together? Twelve if you include the years we both went away?” Freddy took Klaus’ wrists in his hands. “We’ve gone through so much already. We can just do it as… You know.”

“Freddy, you're young and deserve to have a life after this. And unfortunately, if that includes breaking off and traveling or fuck, getting hitched to a woman to get people off your back, you should do it,” Klaus argued. “I can't and won’t tie you down because we’re bound together.”

“Me, marrying a woman?” Freddy scoffed as he ran his hands over his face. “The dating thing barely worked. Besides, I’m forty when the decade is out. You were almost forty when I met you and you weren’t seeing women. I’m not that young.”

     There was a moment of silence.

“Hm, you’re old,” Klaus playfully jabbed, trying to improve the mood. “What happened to the twenty-year-old I met at a bar?”

     Freddy slightly smiled and nudged Klaus’s leg with his foot as if to playfully say knock it off. He then reached up and cupped the captain’s face, firmly yet gently holding it in his direction.

“You can’t keep seeing me in that light, K. I’m not twenty anymore. I know how to protect myself. Myself and you,” He gently squeezed Klaus’ face. “I know what I want and what I want is you.”

     He dropped his hands and sat back.

“Now, as much as it… It um,” Freddy cleared his throat, sat up, and rolled his shoulders back. “It hurts me that you don’t agree with… With my proposition, I do understand some of the points you make. Besides, marriage is kind of trivial, right?”

     Klaus cringed at Freddy’s echo of his words from the previous Wednesday night.

“I shouldn’t have said that, Freddy. It isn’t. It’s not trivial,” He said before quickly adding, “How can I make it up to you?”

     The sub-officer placed a hand on K’s knee and gave it a soft squeeze.

“Just keep loving me, K. That’s all I want.”

     Klaus smiled and looked down to the sub-officer’s hand before back up to Freddy.

“I think I can handle that.”

“There is one other thing,” Freddy quietly added, making Klaus hum in response.

“Of course. What is it?”

     Freddy tried to repress a smile.

“You could take over the pregnancy lesson for me.”

     Klaus chuckled.

“Hell no.”

“Damn,” Freddy sighed as he rested his head on his hand. “Worth the try.”

     Klaus smiled before his lips returned to a small frown.

“I am sorry, Freddy.”

     Freddy nodded without looking up as his thumb picked at his nails. Klaus let out a small puff of air from his nose before leaning in and placing a gentle kiss on his lover’s cheek. The smallest smile graced Freddy’s face as he turned to meet Klaus’ lips in a few soft pecks.

     The two agreed to talk about the situation more but decided against sleeping in the same room together again, but there was an exception for if Klaus was experiencing night terrors. As a result, there was a little more physical intimacy before bedtime. Cuddling on the couch, tracing one another’s collarbones, sharing a drink or cig, and listening to music through Freddy’s headset. Overall, both were just happy to be happy with one another again.

Next Part (Currently N/A)

There’s a million stories about falling out of love. There’s songs and books and movies and whole tv series dedicated to the topic. Sometimes it’s like a car crash, sudden and catastrophic. Sometimes it’s a slow, unnoticeable, drawing away, until one day two people who were once almost one being are now complete strangers   No one talks about how you can fall out of friendship the same way.

I met the woman I used to call my BFF on the first day of high school. We just clicked, we were the quiet weirdos who sat in the corner and giggled over our inside jokes. For 23 years she was the first person I called when something wonderful or horrible happened in my life. I was her surrogate sister because she was an only child, her surrogate mother because she had a weird relationship with her own mother and couldn’t depend on her, I was her replacement family. When she broke up with her fiance I nursed her through her broken heart. When she met the father of her children I was the one she nervously introduced him to, praying that I would like him. I threatened to beat him to death with a shovel if he ever hurt her (yes I stole that line from Buffy the Vampire Slayer). 

We loved each other intensely. We spoke on the phone for hours 4-5 times a week, texted every day, tried to get to see each other (we lived in different towns) at least every other month. And we had so much fun together. 3 years ago we celebrated 20 years of friendship. I wrote her a notebook, every page filled with memories. She gifted me back the teeny tiny vest that was the first thing I bought for her when she was pregnant with her oldest child, she’d saved it as a keepsake. We were certain that we were going to be blue haired old ladies, cackling together in a rest home, giving each other crap about our saggy tit’s and adult diapers.

She drinks. A lot. I don’t, at all. No judgement on anyone who does drink, I just don’t enjoy it so don’t see the point in doing something I don’t enjoy. I also don’t like being around drunk people, it’s just plain tedious being around drunk people when you’re sober. I’ve made an exception for her for years because she was my BFF and I wanted to talk to her, share my day, hear about hers. She’s drunk almost every evening and that’s pretty much the only time we both have free so we would talk when she was drunk. It got harder and harder. Her memory is terrible sober and even worse drunk so we would have the same conversation over and over because she’d forget that we already talked about this. She’s also a very opinionated and judgmental drunk, there’s no fucking reasoning with her if she’d made her drunken mind up.

9 months ago my step-dad (who I was very close to) had a complete mental breakdown, committed a terrible crime, and tried to kill himself. I needed her more than I had ever needed her before and she failed me so badly that I’m never going to be able to forgive her for it. One evening we had an argument about the crime my step-dad committed. I did not and never will excuse him. Yes he is suffering mental illness but there are billions of people in the world who have mental illness who don’t do what he did. I said something that she took as me excusing him, I was tired and stressed and and not really thinking and phrased something badly, and as soon as she said ‘that’s fucked up’ I went ‘shit, you’re right, that’s not what I meant, let me rephrase’. She didn’t let me. She hammered me no matter how I tried to explain what I actually meant. I ended up bawling my eyes out, ugly, snot-streaming-from-my-nose, wracking sobs that made me feel like I was gonna puke. And she still didn’t stop hammering me.

I didn’t speak to her for 3 weeks, which was probably the longest we’d gone without talking for 23 years. I had trouble trusting her again and was proven right almost as soon as we started talking again. One night she asked after my step-dad and I told her that I wasn’t comfortable speaking to her about him right now. She went off at me about how I was holding a grudge. We spent hours exchanging text messages where I mostly managed not to be nasty (because I was sober and trying not to let things get too bad) and she just got nastier (because she was drunk and dgaf). She said some really horrible things, things that mean she’s no longer welcome in my mother’s house and most of my family urged me to cut her loose. I think that even worse than the nasty things she said was the fact that I needed my best friend more than I had at any time in my life and not only was she not there for me but she actively made that awful time worse.

I eventually forgave her because she was going through some heavy shit and forgiving her was the only kind thing to do. But now our friendship is pretty much over. I’ve trained myself out of thinking of her as my BFF. We talk on the phone maybe once every 4-6 weeks. Every couple of weeks she’ll send 3-4 texts and I’ll send back 1-2, maybe, if I respond at all. She’s come to see me twice, both brief visits, I’ve made excuses not to visit her. The longer between contacts the more comfortable I get. Once I couldn’t imagine my life without her but now I’m ok with that. I grieved at first. I went through a stage where I was incredibly angry (I still slip back into that occasionally). I went through a stage where I was incredibly sad. I went through a stage where I missed her so so much, my heart bled with missing her. Now I’m at peace with the end of our friendship. I accept it. I’m not going to grow old with this woman and I can live with that. There’s even a part of me that is almost ready to go out and find a new best friend, the way that people who have gone through a romantic relationship break up start to feel ready to find love again.

I guess I just wanted pour all this out because I’ve been surprised by it. It never occurred to me you could have all the mess and disintegration and anger and disappointment and grief and acceptance, over the end of a friendship, the same as you can have over the end of a romantic relationship. They don’t tell these stories in movies. I don’t want it to catch anyone else by surprise.So if you’re in the middle of a friendship break up, it’s ok, what you’re feeling is valid. It’s gonna hurt like a bitch but you’ll come out the other side, maybe you’ll patch things up, maybe you won’t. But don’t feel like you shouldn’t be feeling all this because it’s just a friend not a partner.