#ill kill myself now thanks
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ok no im so tired but ive had this Thing a Laughingstock Concept Thing in my Brain for Days Now and its.... basically what if Barnaby adopted a lil caterpillar. like it's not sapient or anything its literally A Wriggly Puppet Prop. but he finds it in his home and it reminds him of Howdy and he keeps it. he carries it everywhere. he treats it so tenderly and names it and everything. his delusional smitten subconscious is like "omg... mine & howdy's <3" he and Howdy are not even together at this point
so Barnaby cares for this lil caterpillar and Howdy ends up getting attached as well, because he's on the same shit as Barnaby. and eventually the lil caterpillar pupates, and they watch over the chrysalis So Excited to see what lil wormie will look like as a butterfly. and it emerges and they're so proud and weirdly emotional. the butterfly takes off on its first flight and lands on a flower patch
just in time for Eddie to trip and fall on the patch, instantly crushing it And the butterfly
#in my mind eddie is all 'oh man :( thank goodness frank wasnt around to see that' and then goes about his business#completely missing howdy & barnaby watching on In Horror off to the side#not lil wormie... no....#also in my mind lil wormie looks like the fuckn. Adorable worm from sesame street#oscars little friend i think? the cutest little thing in the world? the little red wormie? yeah....#but im feeling very Tender about bigass dog barnaby toting around this teensie weensie lil worm thing#treating it with utmost care and affection#big characters caring for absolutely tiny thing kills me every fucking time#bury me shallow... ill be back to die again....#absolutely unprompted#laughingstock#ohhhh my god im not even gonna say how i almost butchered the laughingstock tag#sometimes i type letters in the wrong order or add an extra one. that would have been so unfortunate but Deeply Hilarious#ANYWAY LIL WORMIE IS AN ESTABLISHED THING IN MY MIND AND I DONT KNOW WHY#maybe... maybe tomorrow i will scribble it...#also to be clear the events of this post all happen within a week or two.#it is a brief shining Worm Time#ok going to bed now officially. im going#wait no i have to complain about something ive done to myself hold on#so i really like reeses puffs cereal yeah? but the problem is it cuts up my mouth to hell and back and makes eating anything a Pain#tried to eat sauerkraut tonight... it burned... the roof of my mouth is so scraped up...#i Will be eating another bowl when i wake up tho. its too tasty. i can take the annoyance that is minor pain. i have a high tolerance <3#can i easily Not eat it? yeah. but i dont want to stop. nothing will stop me. its a jumbo box. i Will Finish It.#anyway wormie <3 gonna go think about her <3
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My bitchass cat- 80 ft up in a goddamn tree
It has been a day
#i dont want to make a long post so im ranting in the tags#this is now day 2 of her being up there#we only just found where she was in the tree thanks to binoculars#there are lots of emotions rn#ive already had a shitty few days and now this#on top of all that#this guy that came to “help” was constantly making remarks about ways to get her down that would definitely kill her#“oh I'm just not a cat person”#ok???#and???#shut the fuck up#i lost my cool on his ass so fucking fast#i like to consider myself a generally nice person when it comes to social interactions#but within the hour i was done with this asshole#i will not mention the ways he talked about getting her down#but i will mention that i definitely threatened him#lucky i did not tell him what i was really thinking#which was that i wanted to cave his skull in#but still#i dont give a fuck that you are here to help#the past few days have been shit and now this????#why are you such an ass???#fuck that guy#thanks for reading my rant#i hope your week was good#ill update on how getting her down goes#rant post#personal rant#rant
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My morning started off with my grandpa scream puking into a bowl and my grandma saying OKAY I GOTTA GET CHLOE TO WORK FIRST ‼️‼️‼️ And my grandpa screaming HURRRY!!!!!
#chloe shush#he's in the ER now#apparently. there was some sorta complications with his surgery#thank god this morning only 2 dogs pissed their kennel oh lord#but I'm gonna be here all day to do extra list stuff 😭😩#at least if I get it all done today maybe I'll have more free time...tomorrow-? idk I have 3 baths tomorrow's#tomorrow#i have cleaned 3 bathrooms. the iso room. the breakroom. if anything else needs to be cleaned ill kill myself
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#vent#tw vent#i feel like im going to explode#i cant bring myself to do anything so all this energy is just gathering and building up and i feel like im seconds away from exploding#i want human connection so fucking bad but im so fucked up no one would want to compromise a relationship with me#immersed myself in fiction so much i keep dreaming of having relationships that ill never have because most other people just Dont Work That#Way#all my relationships feel so shallow now#ig thats my fault#for never presenting the real version of myself. showing others caricatures and exaggerations of my character so i can be more likeable#ill never feel safe enough around anyone to drop the act. and even if i do ill feel too guilty to stop#ive doomed myself theres no fixing me#theres no motivation to do anything anymore i can barely get myself to lift a finger#hey why didnt anyone tell me just sitting up would be so hard. why didnt anyone tell me just drawing a few strokes would take most of my#energy#if anyone ripped my heart out right now id thank them for putting me out of my misery#theres nothing here. might as well also become nothing#this feeling is awful id prefer being hurt instead#i cant make it go away#someone please just kill me#arc 3am logs
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Mr Gatto, do you like doing your job? Is it something you enjoy doing?
(Also take care of yourself Mun! :D)
Even after everything... I don't think I will be changing my job anytime soon.
#identity v#aesop carl#identity v embalmer#identity v ask blog#identity v the embalmer#gatto event#hi anon thanks for the concern XD#im doing alright i just have this insane depressive block that has been impeding y creative processes#so ive been trying a lot of things to get out of it#one option is to wait it out but im miserable doing nothing. so i will force it out and feel slightly better that at least i did something#i probably should have spaced oout my posts i clear the inbox really really quickly#ill try to get some stuff out while i can. since im free for the month before work resumes n i disappear again#seriously though its frustrating sitting down staring at a blank canvas for 10 mins with 0 ideas and low energy#and then resigning myself to going back to lying down and mindlessly scrolling twitter or whatever#every single time i try to do something i end up back on my bed. for days on end. it makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs#at least with asks i have something to work towards and thats so much better even if i do end up back on the bed afterwards#this sounds like a very pathetic show of begging for asks. which i guess it is???#its just that. i used to have so many ideas. i used to draw so many comics. i want to cry every time i compare that with myself now#has work killed off so much of my creativity? probably. but i just really want it back. so im trying my best#i didnt mean to get this emotional in the tags but this is really something ive been struggling with a lot right now#so if u have the time to spare. just drop something dumb in my inbox. it helps a great deal. much greater than i can express#but anyway if ur reading this im still very grateful for the support u have shown to the blog in one way or another.#so thank you very much n i hope the day will treat you kindly#less than three
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genuinely funny when my boss who's a degree purist tries to encourage me to get my masters. while I work for her full time. for next to no money. with extremely inflexible hours.
#gee thanks boss i never thought to get a degree in order to get a higher paying and more desirable job!#now if youll just let me take leave with pay for a few semesters and of course pay my full tuition ill be all set!#like how do they expect me to work 2 jobs and have enough time to do all my schoolwork without killing myself#and sometimes coworkers whos parents let them live with them til they were 25 will be like 'why dont you just work part time!'#like what an excellent idea!! whos gonna volunteer to pay my rent while i do that? any takers?#i already have a degree but its in math so no one gives a shit lol they want the mls which im not doing for a 31k/yr job sorry
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i hate cassandra so much. die ass hole
#personal#shes cooled off on the ill kill myself if anyone breathes at me thing. but now instead is just apparently dedicated to doing shit thats#going to make our body feel fucking horrible. thank you
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finished chainsaw man volume 1 and gotta say this is the most depressing manga ive ever read! also i wanna kill makima with my own hands!
#also if they dont rescue that kitty ill kill myself#tani's personal shit#EDIT THANKS FUCK THE KITTY IS OK#FOR NOW.................
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Hi!! I just wanted to tell you your writing is really good and you answer requests so great each time!
Can you answer (if you feel like):
What gives you inspiration to write and also, how did you start writing/ what got you into writing?
It's been great reading your stories! Thanks for sharing them 💐💐
Thank you for the kind words! And— *GASP* you gave me flowers? You’re so sweet! I offer you some candy in return! 🍫🍬🍬
So I started in this community just over six months ago, and since then my writing has flourished. Before then, the only time I wrote anything was for a writing assignment or an essay, or basic things along that line. I never really wrote anything creative, and quite frankly I didn’t know I could write in the way I do until about four years ago, when I started writing fanfictions with a friend.
Since then, I’ve written all kinds of things. I like to believe I draw my inspiration from the world and people around me. A lot of my ideas come from conversations with my friends, and what-if scenarios my brain throws at me in the most ungodly hours of the night. Of course, there are other places where I draw inspiration from, the people of this amazing community being many of them!
Anyway, hope that answers your questions! Thank you again for asking!
#thank you for asking!#although i don’t share your sentiments about my writing#anon you have no idea how nice it was to see this#asks#no writing#seriously this is so sweet#im going through a really dark time right now#i cant write anything#ive become reclusive again#and i freaking hate it#and when i finally broke and started crying today#it turned around and nearly killed me#im just tired of the cycle#it’s like my mental health and my life are in front of a firing squad#and i have to choose which one lives and which one dies#im afraid to let myself feel anything anymore because everything affects it#and im tired of it#im a young adult with an undisclosed chronic illness#and my emotions are directly tied to it#if youre confused as to why my emotions can kill me#anyway#and thank you for the flowers!#also sorry for the rant
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Me about to leave college: idk it sucks trying to be someone I’m not maybe I’ll introduce my parents to who I really am
Me now that I’m here: actually I will simply be lucky to get out of bed
#i thought I was exaggerating!#when I went to college I was like yknow I think I was just mentally ill. it was no fault of my parents however my issues were exacerbated#now that I’m living here again. oh man. the fact that 16 year old me didn’t just give up is a miracle#12 year old me who realized I was super unhappy?? and just. took it in stride?? incredible show stopping#like man! sucks severely!! no privacy/solitude and constantly being told to do things#and it honestly eats at me. so so fast. and I didn’t even realize until these past 2 days bc I got out of the house for pretty much 2 days#no wonder why I didn’t make an effort to be better to myself. i really couldn’t I didn’t have any energy in me to get to there#i thought that it was bc I hated being asked so many questions that always left me feeling bad#which yeah im sure that plays into it too but I think I spent a lot more energy on surviving than I thought#like it’s not just the mental illnesses I didn’t imagine the tiny gestures and occurrences that kill me#they were all there. shoutout to the younger version of myself who didn’t really have an end in sight and keep going#im out. im gone. im only visiting now but I am so sorry to myself for doubting what I dealt with for years#thank god it gets better#soup talks
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#I nearly cried with relief 5 mins ago when I saw the 'this post contains filtered tags'#I am at about 9 with my anger right now#things in life are going a bit mmmmmm#and seeing another im gay trans autistic and my mother hates me send me 500 dollars for food would have set me right off#Massive thank you to those that actually tag the posts#Tho if you guys are actually sending money to these people instead of just reblogging to try and guilt trip others then by all means#i'm bi#i have bpd#i'm in the process of getting an adhd and/or autism diagnosis#i'm living off of savings at the moment and still paying rent while i live with my parents#quit my job because it was making me feel like I was gonna kill myself#my mum has a chronic illness and needs constant looking after#and my uncle who lives with us and is never moving out is disabled physically and mentally too#Send monies xoxo#signal boost uwu#i'm just a poor disabled bi girly#🤢🤮
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you didnt ask but for marion there's an older brother named jason barnbridge who... let's just say it was mr corcoran who walked her down the aisle at the wedding.
#had bunny lived and met the guy he would have understood murder and sin <3#“but father” thank you they dont have that :)#they really do not :)#no comment on their paternity allowed#their adoptive father doesnt count he's not real#men who are good are scarce in the marion \story because there truly are no good men#*pulls out knife* ask me about marion's family situation#do it#ill answer#(ill kill myself by answering)#frankly? FGHJKL the thing is i do think had both she and good old edmund lived they'd both not have contact with anyone#they are dysfunctional and whole together#they both have shitty homes. they have their own home now so who cares amirite.#but try telling branden corcoran to leave Mommy lmao not a chance he's CLINGING#bunny would have.#anywho jason barnbridge is the kind of guy who'd say bunny died because they had premarital sex GHJKL that's the sort we speak of#whod absolutely say she deserved it for not having faith in god
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wtv
#self harm tw#it's funny how much crueler i am with myself now than when i was younger#because ive been shing for hhh idk 8 9 years now#it started as me wanting to punish myself for all the guilty i felt inside#and it went on for a long long time because i just felt horrible and i needed to disappear so things would be alright#but i couldn't kill myself so i just hurt my body instead to try and make up for it#i was sad and scared and confused back then#but now? im just angry. im tired. im fed up of myself#the cuts are much deeper and longer and there's so many more of them#and i just keep doing it#i honestly dont think there's much rhyme or reason for it rn. i just wanna hurt myself bc i hate myself so much i want to fucking die#and yeah maybe ill attempt again but this time ill make damn sure it works#but i still never harm my wrists or anywhere visible#its always my waist/hips/thighs and i never wear shorts or anything above my ankles#like i cant tell u the last time i wore actual shorts or like proper beachwear (i live in the beach) bc my hips are just scars#prob been like 10 years since ive worn swimwear lmfao thanks gender dysphoria and self harm !#but yeah now i just want it to hurt and bleed and make me feel some goddamn thing that inst this fucking void#im so fucking tired dude#what's the point of anything#nothing feels meaningful or real or important enough#im an unlovable broken motherfucker and im fed up of never getting better#oh but u need to stop being so pessimistic then !! suck my dick ive tried pretending i wanted to live and be happy and it never worked#so again whats the fucking point#im done here#dawn.txt
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Using art to express my feelings. I don't swear often so you know tensions are high rn
I am moving out ....18 days I think. Good riddance I won't miss them at all
#suicide mention#technically but i promise i won't kill myself because of my roommates im just super pissed#my roommate and her fiance (engaged after two months btw. so definitely a healthy relationship 🙄) used to make out on the couch all day#but now the fiance is out of town so the call each other TWICE a day and one of those phone calls 😃 is at 11 pm 😃 when i like to be asleep#in our room of course because the living room is too convenient and not annoying enough#anyway i have earplugs and noise cancelling headphones but my ears are sensitive enough that i can still fuvking hear#alright whatever its not that serious i get to move out in 18 days and 6 of those days im visiting MY fiances family which is exciting#ok now i feel bad for making fun of my roommates short engagement because my fiance and I did technically date for only uhhhhh 7 months#before we got engaged#BUT#we have known each other for a longer and we dont just make out when we spend time together so we actually know each other as individuals#alright ill stop complaining now im done#thank you tumblr for being my diary i hope no one read this far lol
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raugrhrbrb
#more sad and me freaking out things donot read the tags if that will bother you thank u mwah#anyway i am like reverting to when i was 15 rn and#i want to cut myself so bad. i haven’t had the urge to do that in ages idk what is wrong with me#im like. idk it will make me feel better in the moment.#but also if jordan sees that hes going to be. so upset.#and i dont want to do that to him.#so i wont. and ill behave myself.#but i dont want to eurrgh#LEAST favorite part of having a partner is that my self destructive urges will effect them too. thats stupid leave me alone so i can#kill myself goddamn.#no i dont mean that but yes i do yknow. yknow#i just want to make a fucking grilled cheese but im paralyzed by grief and terror aaha#WHAT IF THIS ENDS THE WAY MY LAST RELATIONSHIP DID <- going over and over and over in my head right now until im soscared#cuz like. in the moment i really thought eli loved me and i loved him#what if im fucking up and being stupid and pathetic again.#you see what i mean.#i have so many people telling me i am also. which does not make figuring it out easier.#in fact makes it so much harder#i want to be right i want to trust him and i want to be happy together. i am gonna try and take some deep breaths and distract myself until#i feel calmer#and talk abt it with him tomorrow maybe
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thinking about how I've seen OCD get talked about now, but haven't really seen many posts that actually explain what it is. And like, obviously people shouldn't get all their info about mental conditions from posts, but u can't deny that internet communities and stuff play a major role in people recognizing and putting names to their own experiences.
But like since the general public has like absolutely no idea of what OCD actually is (no thanks to popular media), and a lot of things I see talking about intrusive thoughts don't mention OCD (either bc they originated in OCD circles or bc intrusive thoughts aren't Exclusive to OCD or for some other reason), there should prob be more explanation put out on what OCD actually consists of.
Which is kinda hard in some ways, bc there are so many ways OCD can present in terms of what "themes" a person experiences, so someone talking about what their themes are might not ring a bell with someone who experiences different ones. But like, the core thing with OCD isn't the presence of certain themes, it's a specific pattern of spiraling thoughts and reactions.
Like. OCD is a mental condition/illness where people experience stressful, unwanted, repetitive thoughts. These are intrusive thoughts are what make up the "obsessions" part of the disorder. In response to these intrusive thoughts, a lot of people will perform certain actions or think certain things in an attempt to neutralize or disprove the threat they represent. These are the "compulsions" part of the condition.
For a more "traditional" example, someone experiencing intrusive thoughts that they might catch a communicable disease may obsessively wash their hands or google their symptoms to try to lessen the anxiety. While someone who is worried they might hurt someone (even though they very much do not want to hurt someone) may avoid being near sharp objects or may avoid the people they're afraid of hurting.
One of the issues with OCD is that performing the compulsions provides short term relief, but in the long term it only strengthens the stress caused by the intrusive thoughts, thus furthering the thought spiral and actively making it worse, to the point where, depending on your themes, you may be (almost) convinced that your intrusive thoughts represent the truth or the inevitable or something permanent.
Intrusive thought themes cam be literally anything, but some of the common ones are stuff like
Questioning your sexuality, gender, etc (what if I'm actually straight/gay/bi/trans/cis/etc?)
Being worried about losing control and hurting yourself or others physically, sexually, emotionally, basically any way (what if I want to kill someone? What if I'm a pedophile? What if I'm an abuser? What if I want to stab myself? Etc)
Fear of becoming or being sick
Worrying something bad will happen to you or people you care about
Worrying about your spiritual beliefs or lack thereof (what if I'm actually Christian? What if I'm actually atheist? What if i don't believe in the faith i ascribe to? Etc)
Worrying about relationship status (what if I don't actually love them? What if they're not "the one"? What if they're cheating? What if *I'm* cheating? Etc)
What if I'm a bad person?
Fear of losing things
Fear of things not feeling right (this is often be related to other themes via magical thinking. ex: if I don't have my things organized Just Right then something bad will happen)
Fear of unreality
Compulsions vary by theme a lot obviously, but some common ones include
Hand washing
Organizing things until they Feel Right
Checking and double checking and triple checking to make sure you did something correctly
Obsessively reviewing your memories to disprove a thoughtor make sure you don't believe something
Arguing against the thoughts in an attempt to disprove them
Testing your mental reactions to a thought or to certain kinds of content, to show yourself you don't actually believe or feel something
Obsessively googling symptoms, testimonies, things related to your thoughts
Obsessive prayer
Repeating phrases, mantras, affirmations, etc in an attempt to make thoughts go away
Avoiding things and situations that set off your intrusive thoughts
Repeatedly asking for reassurance from others ("I'm not being xyz, right?")
But yeah this obviously isn't exhaustive but, just, if this kind of thing sounds familiar, you should probably do some research on OCD, bc while intrusive thoughts can occur with other conditions, the intrusive thought-compulsion spiral is the core of OCD and isn't really a subaspect of depression/anxiety/ptsd/etc. and the treatment and management of OCD can look different from other stuff, so its a good thing to look into.
(Also it's important to keep in mind, esp if you're someone that doesn't have it, that someone's intrusive thoughts Are Not "secret desires" or "repressed urges" or anything the person even remotely wants to act on. Someone having harm-related intrusive thoughts is not at risk of actually acting on them, no matter how worried they are of doing so.)
Anyway this was a long post and I don't have a neat way to wrap it up and also I accidentally added a poll and now can't get rid of it so here's free poll. I'm running on nyquil and a small amount of straight gin (which works very well at numbing a sore throat) rn gnite
#ocd#actuallyocd#actually ocd#intrusive thoughts#my hand is fuckin stiff from typing this all out on my phone rip
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nah i'd win