so real.

silly doggy save me

I'm so tired of being brave.

I'm so tired of putting on a face so that my pain isn't hurtful to others. I rember being six, sitting in a hospital room, smiling instead of crying becuse i didn't want my mom, or my grandparents, or my little sister who was only five at the time, to be sad. i was staring down a lifelong incurable inconvenience and smiling because i didn't know how hard it was gonna be.

and ever since then, i've been labeled "the brave little girl."

i'm so tired. I'm so sick of smiling. I'm so sick of telling everyone around me that i'm going to be okay. i'm so sick of pretending that diabeties and unknown pains aren't wearing me down. i'm so sick of pleasantries, of saying "i'm doing great!", of the presure not to bring down the mood. i'm so sick of college essays where i've claimed i'm perservering. I'm so sick of pressure to assure everyone else in the room while sitting in the hospital bed.

and it's not their fault tiny six year old me was repressing my true feelings and putting other people first. It's not their fault that they assume i'm naturally brave, naturally staring into a lifelong ailment and smiling down the barrel. i did that.

But i did that as a kid.

adult me is more tired. adult me is more honest. adult me understands that while i do not want others to be sad, their sadness about my circumstances is their problem to deal with and overcome. adult me knows that it's okay to be in pain, and their feelings on the matter is not my fault. if they are sad, it is not my fault.

i am a lot diffrent than the six year old "brave little girl" in the hospital bed. (for one, i'm not a girl, but gender issues aside for this post.) I am not little anymore, i don't have the energy to smile through the pain, and i am tired of being called "brave." it is no longer a complement, to me, to be called brave.

Because i wasn't ever brave. I wasn't facing my fears, I was just hiding how afraid i was because little me was a martar who believed the biggest form of love was hidden pain. I know NOW how unhelpful that is, and if nobody ever calls me brave again, i'll be happy.

It's so funny that my brain wanted to think of scenarios of Beta Wally and Dandy but instead of designing and writing a Beta Dandy, I made up a whole au in my head to come up with a complicated ass reason as to how they would be able to meet and interact.

It's just a stupid little not at all canon thing I daydream and doodle about. But anyways that is to say if I do post doodles of them interacting, it's very much just that silly stupid au and the brain worms from it.

why was i today years old when i found out cn tried to stop jesse infinity train from being indigenous....... dawg

thinking abt the touden siblings got me sniffling and weeping....

i feel like one day ill be 37 sitting in my studio with no ideas on what to draw and will think "hmmm. ill just draw men" and start sketching, and then when im finished ill look at the paper and dave strider will be there staring right back at me

lost track of my old starter call so here's a fresh one ♡ older mutuals will get priority due to the likelihood of me still owing y'all from the last call i posted.

hazbin oc art finally 💀💀

My ferrets are seniors now and are slowly getting Old Ferret Diseases :(

Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..

I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.

I was texting my sister today about it and she said

“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”

I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences

There are certain actions that can only be described as inherently romantic, not because they were inspired by romantic love or that no other word in the English language describes them, but it is simply the best way to describe such an action so motivated by a very deep, self-sacrificing, and heartfelt non-familial love that "romantic" is the only way to describe it.

i mentioned it before that Kate understood, but didn't really understand initially how much it meant to Lucy taking down the assassin who almost killed Kate, but the fondness Kate has when she says, "I support what you're doing here, honestly I do, standing up for Your Woman™️ it's...it's honorable" and that soft smile she gets, (Lucy's done it twice now for her with ASAC Curtis and with taking down Andrea), how the music shifts at that exact moment, how you can clearly see how much it means to her, how Kate's genuine sentiment catches Lucy off guard and she has to collect herself real quick because she senses it, senses how different this is from the slight smugness beforehand when Kate was talking about changing her whole life for Lucy, how Kate used the word 'devotion' earlier which is such a heavy word to use to describe how you feel about someone (which carries a bigger weight considering their professions and Kate's devotion to duty), how with Lucy's Loved confession Kate now has all the pieces and she finally knows

like she's had a couple of weeks sitting on her couch or at her desk filing stupid paper work and reliving 1x20, repeating all of Lucy's words and everything that happened that day and now she has her answer and her resolve, if Lucy fell for her when Kate was stumbling through her feelings then she's definitely gonna fall for her now that Kate's confident and focused

Kate Whistler really said "You might not belong to me anymore, but I sure as hell still belong to you and I'm going to make sure you know that"

as much as lukas is a fan favorite, i think people overlook him and don't pay attention to his character besides "charming, perfect lukas"

just saw that og ‘henry was inherently evil’ post and… oh wow. i knew ppl misinterpret his character all the time but now y’all are just being flat out ableist