i was so proud of myself for not crying at all yesterday (anniversary of my mom dying) but wow today one call from my grandpa is all it takes!!!!!!

this kink is so stupid im torn between posting like “please i just want to be loved and feel special i wish i was sick so someone would care for me” or “what if a guy being humiliated by wearing a too-short skirt had to sneeze but they couldnt cover bc their hands were too busy trying to keep the fabric in place” So im posting both. heres both.

love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what

OOOH okay the 'im a talentless hack that no one likes' thoughts are kicking in time to go to bed frfr

everyone talking abt bolas making day1 their everything and then turning around and making that red (cellbit, to the protests of the rest of red online at the time) fucking up greens base on day2 their justification for every attack in their base ok.

okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

i swear im not mad im not even a little bit mad or annoyed because if im mad and annoyed thats just me being an asshole so im NOT. mad, or annoyed. or at all inconvenienced. in fact its fine and i love it, its great actually. thank you. what else can i do for you for nothing in return ?

who else out there straight up feelin it

the problem with not having any new fics to read bc they havent been posted yet is that when Invisible Tigers Are Hunting You, there is no distraction

me, earlier today: yk what, the weather is nice, I'm feeling fine I think, let's go for a walk!

me, rn, in bed: i'd like to defenestrate my hips and knee and then go to sleep, thank you very much

setting up these fucky characters and pouring so much effort and energy into making them unique and complex and human, developping an entire philosophy for each which interacts with and is changed by whats happening, setting up the dynamics between them and then gradually shifting everything in a way that feels like a natural progression towards a set theme, every moment being a culmination of the moments that came before it. spending actual days deliberating over power plays, internal and external conflicts of interest. and then its just 'davin is the nice one and renee is the cruel one' as a regular sidenote on feedback

there's just so much to unpack in little sentences like that, i dont even know where to start sometimes. it happens all the time. you're wrong. you've misread my story. you have zero clue what i'm going for, or how im approaching this. you dont even seem to understand when we're speaking past each other.

am i a bad writer? are you a bad reader? did i make it too subtle? do you not know how to read between the lines? do i expect too much from people? do i need to change? do you? how do i strike a better balance between the extremes of too-vague-to-be-comprehensible and so-obvious-it's-patronizing?

am i too immersed in my own bubble to understand how other people think?

are you?

Cw: vent. Not safe for little eyes. Read if you want, scroll if not

I’m so tired of being tired and I’m so tired of being ill, I hate that my body does this to me. I want to be normal again. I’m trying to think of the good things, my birthday is soon but I’m not ready to turn 16. I’m not ready. I can’t do that, I don’t want it to come to a close so soon. I just got happy. I can’t be doing this again. I’m sick of feeling disgusted with myself every time I get sad. I can’t keep scrubbing my hands clean multiple times a day because I got too stressed and my body doesn’t know how to cope, I’m so damn fucking tired

man i finally got to book an apointment with the uni wellbeing team but its in a month. what if im having the mental health crisis NOW!!

i feel like one of the worst people in the world right now. but at least my semester is over

.