#if anything i’ll get worse. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

spacelesscowboy · 1 year

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see the thing i’ve always know about me is that i am obsessive. i hold onto things for years. i tuck people tightly into the empty spaces between my ribs, i clutch onto my interest with white knuckled hands, i repeat words and phrases over and over and over again until they’ve lost meaning. i hold onto things so long that they become corpses. that they rot and mould and even when they’re falling apart in my hands i can’t ever make myself let go of them. nothing about me is casual. is phase. is temporary or normal or indifferent.

#emyrs.txt #tw vent #ish? idk. does this mean anything. BWNENFM #i was. super into h*rry p*tter when i was younger. and there’s this fic. where uh.#draco says soemthing along the lines of. i am obsessive and strange and mean and being with you isn’t going to change any of that.#i’m not going to calm down just because we’re together now. people have thought that before—that they could change me. but it won’t.#if anything i’ll get worse.#<- AND. that has lived with me. LMFAO.#anyways.#i’ve tried to tone it down. bc ik it’s unhealthy. but i’m shit at self regulation and i find myself going over old friendships and current #friendships and spending 12 hours a day reading fanfiction and spending most of my time thinking about the silly little characters in my #computer.#and. etc etc.#also btw. this is mostly. prose(<- doesn’t actually know what that word means)#it reflects my feelings but is mostly just reflections of tiny concentrated emotions that i only really feel when it’s 4 on the morning. LOL #WNNDMFMWMFMF #IM. TIRED. OK BYE.

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puppyeared · 6 months

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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

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fuumiku · 2 months

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Day 3 : fashion Jackalope & dungeon rabbit

"Who are you to Chilchuck Tims?" Smiling softly: "I’m his best friend, his confidante… His silly rabbit." "His… silly rabbit?" "Yes." "Does he call you that?" "No."

I spent way too long rendering this. Coloring Chilchuck’s hair is like painting an autumn landscape and I appreciate that

I love love love brown hares and jackalopes being a Chilchuck thing. Why jackalope specifically it’s more complex bc it’s also tied to my indulgent cultural hc for him but if you want to you can dig through this post for when I talk about why rabbits are so good for him and them. Though now I also associate Rabbit Hole by Deco*27 with them… In my mind they alternate as Miku in that popular animation mv for it, equality for all… Also Zombies but that’s for another day. Also Fashion by Lady Gaga. Also-

They are both flat asses to me. In my heart of hearts

#Dungeon meshi #i saw 1 fanart of Chil in a bunny suit and couldn’t not. Fandom consensus seems to be that chil fans want to see him in one #But marcille fans really don’t want to see her in one soooo #Chilchuck tims #marchil #marchil march 2024 #Sorry for keeping being delayed my hubris keeps telling me I’ll be able to post 2 in one day and then failing #I also wanted to do modern au prompt but all my doodles for that one will get posted some other time… Also Chil loves goths send tweet #Shit i forgot #cw #Suggestive #cw suggestive #cw bunny suits???#I’ve seen worse with no community label it’s fine right #Leaving it up to viewer interpretation wether her arm is censoring anything or not #As always i struggle with getting Marcille down right sigh

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clambuoyance · 11 months

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I’ve never been so obsessed with a character so bad that I literally can’t do anything else I’m like the squidward meme watching SpongeBob frolic outside the window stretching a hand out to all the pretty paintings and animations and comics I see in my head but being unable to feel any motivation for it . If only i could use the energy spent to create 20 kon doodles to sit down and concentrate on a single finished full piece I used to be able to make like 5 page comics what happened to me

#sighs yes before anyone says anything IK it’s probably adhd related 😭#BUT ITS GOTTEN SO BAD I CAN FEEL THE DIFFERENCE IN MY BRAIN HOW DID IT GET WORSE #it’s probably a mix of burnout too but I don’t get tired of drawing ?#it feels like when u get dizzy or change glasses or so #and it’s either everything is wayyy too in focus and you can see literally everything clearly that it hurts ur brain #which doesn’t help given how saturated w information the world is always #and simultaneously somehow everything is blurry or out of focus and I physically have to strain myself to hone in on one thing #I JUST WANNA READ COMICS AND FINISH A DRAWING AND HANDLE WORK AND SCHOOL AND TALK TO MY FRIENDS #ALL IN OME DAY #BUT MY BRAIN IS LIKE. TODAY IS ONLY FOR COMICS. YOU CANT DO ANYTHING ESLE #😫🫶 I’m deleting this later I’m just ranting LMAO #I’m highschool it’s crazy bc I did okay and then honestly i just think my ability to concentrate has deteriorated as the years have gone by #free me!!!#either way I want to lessen my social media and just pick One bc girl I have an Instagram a tumblr and a twitter this is horrible for me .#honestly I’ll probably pick instagram and just post on tumblr when I have art #I already do that #I mean when I have Good art.#IM RAMBLING IDK

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janiedean · 1 month

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two episodes of nervous crying your brains out for longer than one hour in the span of three days were not in my bingo card for 2024 when I graduated ten years ago and I would like to frankly get the fuck over myself

#personal for ts #one day i’ll be able to put into words #the absolutely hateful feeling of thinking you got over your shit #and then finding out that NOT ONLY you aren’t #but KNOWING you’re falling back into shitty coping mechanisms you STILL let it happen #honestly my self loathing is off the roof because fifteen years ago i didn’t know i was shitty coping #now i KNOW i am and guess what here i am doing the whole isolating myself and forgetting to reply to ppl song and dance #christ i thought i was okay with handling that kinda shit guess not #and yeah ofc i need to fix it for myself but this time is so much worse i’m just #my kingdom for waking up one morning and feeling some level of mental clarity #and for some goddamned financial stability #and for the force of will to keep the house tidy enough that i dont feel sad just looking at the state of the living room #guys also honestly sorry if i forgot to reply to your ask or pm or anything i’ll get to it at some point #i swear i’m not ignoring people on purpose i’m just completely overwhelmed sigh

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willowfey · 10 months

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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

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grmpgm · 14 days

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ok executive dysfunction is kind of ruining my life actually

#i have an incredibly time-consuming project i NEED to finish and i genuinely don’t know if i can #i’ve started which is good but i’m horrifically behind where i need to be and i’m just so overwhelmed #i technically have enough time to finish it i think? but it’s my final project so i literally cannot miss this deadline #my professor is really cool + likes me but it’s already been so long w/out me bringing it up #and wtf am i supposed to say? yeah. i WANTED to work on it. i just chose not to????? like wtf #it’s just so humiliating and i’m so behind i don’t know wtf i’m gonna do #it’s worse bc it’s an animation and it’s gg related and i really really wanted this to be good and i wanted things to be different this time #kind of funny bc i’m actually mid getting an adhd diagnosis rn but it’s just so fucking awful because i do this constantly #it fucking sucks so much i feel so helpless and i don’t know wtf is wrong with me. i’m so tired of letting everyone down constantly #it’s so bad rn i literally cannot do anything. it’s humiliating like WHY can’t i just be a functional normal person #it fucking SUCKS because i KNOW if i had any self control or work ethic whatsoever i could be really fucking successful but i don’t.#so i won’t be i guess.#and i KNOW it’s tied into a bunch of different stuff too but like gd i DO NOT care i just want to be functional #worst case scenario i have an A in the class so if i completely blow it i’ll at least pass? hopefully?#i might be able to talk my prof into an extended deadline but it’s so embarrassing bc i didn’t need one in the first place.#i have literally no excuses #it just makes me so upset because i just keep doing this over and over and i don’t know how to stop it or how to get better #and LOL sorry for posting this here i just feel weird talking to anyone personally about this (+ currently avoiding responding to messages!)#it’s just like. man if i can’t get a fucking grip i will literally waste my entire life. Oh Well! LOL

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chiara-klara-claire · 4 months

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6.2.24 🎉🫥

#I brought cake to work because I gues you have to #colleague asked me what are you going to do tonight #I said not much I think #another done said jeez you’re 26 and not doing anything #and I answered oh yeah that’s for the weekend which is true but still #I’m just so down I don’t even have the energies to pretend it’s fine #I was about to cry #I think I’ll spend the day eating and crying #it’s really great how it only gets worse with time #they say at some point things get only get better but truth is it can always get worse #yesterday tho I almost lost my phone by leaving it at the zelfkassa at the Albert Heijn. thank god I realised it run back & it was t #nothing really make sense and I’m tired of sending cvs #there’s nothing I like and I have to pretend I like everything and everything is cool #i replied in a very dry way to my family wishes bc of how bad I’ve been feeling #I’ll probably eventually just throw something on ig and have 2 people say hbd #it’s all about suffering #this weekend I’ll go to Sweden if things go according to plan and will probably feel like crying most of the time there too #by myself in some hostel bc my friends are too busy for me #there’s always some god eating your heart out right #I think I’ll spend a good amount of time blinding myself with tears #I can’t wait to go to the psychologist

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margaetyrell · 11 months

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hi. just came to say i’m alive and well (mostly) if anyone cares. i simply broke down due to emotional stress so i had to delete the app and cut it all out. idk how long it will take, but i’ll be back and catch up on blogs/tags/messages by then! hope you’re doing great, i’m sending you all my love and a special shoutout to @itsniceto, @mycastlescrumblingdown, @jdschecter, @intomymelancholia and @mayangelsleadyouin for being such a ray of sunshine. miss you and love you all soooo so much 💜

#part of not coming back rn is taylor tbh. in case you missed it i kinda distanced myself from the fandom although obviously #her music will always be a big part of my life. but it’s so tiring trying to separate the artist when shit keeps coming out #& yes i’ve listened to sntv but all i’ll say there is that now it’s oficially top last lmao esp after what she did to my fave tracks #like wth happened to btr and this album production. but again i have no intention of talking shit nor i care enough at this point #i’m also on the verge of a break up and my brother’s health is getting worse so. i really cannot deal with any criticism rn #at least i knew long before i couldn’t afford to go to a show. anyways enough talking to myself ! these are the news ig #also thanks to everyone who keeps tagging me on their edits. i appreciate it sm and i will reblog them when i’m back!! promise #see you around and please. remember to take a deep breath and drink water and put yourselves above anything else <3 #pt

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deityofhearts · 10 months

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they should invent being full without having to eat

#deity dialogue #I mean this in as normal a way as possible #my eating has been getting bad again and like even when I’m actively eating I feel sick #like I’m aware I have to eat something and I’ll feel worse if I don’t but like it’s hard to when there’s the usual problems (nothing I wanna #eat/can stomach) as well as just feeling sick whenever i eat anything #I like genuinely dread having to eat food I feel like shit I’m so tired of it #anyways guess who’s about to go make themselves find something to eat and hope they don’t feel as terrible #I hate this shit I was finally doing a bit better with food idk what happened

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thegreatestheaver · 19 days

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google dot com how to stop hallucinating your phone ringing no glue no borax easy slime recipe

#it’s getting bad again SAVE ME !!!!!#a while back when it got really really bad I edited the amount of people who could call me when my phone is on dnd (aka 24/7)#and that DEFINITELY helped #but ouhhghghg. they’re getting really bad again #from annoying and worrisome to panic inducing again noooooooo #idk what to do this time .. my circle of people who can call me is already at a minimum #it usually ends up with me sitting in horrible silence for hours because other noise only makes it worse #like I’ll listen to music or watch a video and I’ll get a little too distracted and my brain is just like. PHONE RINGING JUMPSCARE !!!!!!#maybe I should tell people that they need to text me before they call me #I love my friends but random calls really freak me out. really really bad.#wuh #I canr focus on anything now because I’m anxious about my phone ringing 😭#Because I hate the noise and I hate the uh the pop up #it’s really scary because talking to people on a whim is SCARY. I NEED PLANNING AHEAD. IM AUTISTIC!!!!!!!!#uhgh #monster energy BLAST !!!!#CAFFINE HELP ME.. HELP ME CAFFINE.. MAKE ME LESS ANXIOUS CAFFEINE…#hollowspeak

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bethiewhimsy · 7 months

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i’ve been stricken with so many problems.

#1) the fucking yearning. go away. i don’t need romantic love. it SUCKS and it’s BAD. disgusting.#2) a sudden repulsion for skirts???? WHAT THE HELL. I LOVE SKIRTS. BUT I CANT BRING MYSELF TO WEAR THEM RN. it’s so fucking weird.#3) i have to actually decide what to do with my life. like. big things. like getting a damn apartment.#4) the crippling fear of growing up has resurfaced. i just turned 20. i don’t want to do this shit anymore.#anyway i’m fine 👍#i suppose this is a vent post??? but in the tags.#haven’t vented on tumblr dot com in a hot hot hot minute #not since my irl friend started following me (hopefully they’re not reading this but if they are: hi)#ranting in the tags feels SO much safer. like. no one’s coming in here #OH ANOTHER THING.#5) a fucking midterm is here and it takes EFFORT.#it’s whatever im just feeling feelings and that’s all right #at least i have a fun little thing to look forward to this weekend #im going to see a ballet !!!#but damn……::::that makes me think about how i’ll never actually do anything with my life.#like we can’t all be on the stage but hell #like??? the knowledge that it only gets worse from here???????????? what the actual hell #and sometimes i think about how i’ll always have to be in the closet.#which sometimes im completely fine with and other times it hurts me a lot #idk. IDK.#anyway. im 20 and i don’t know what im doing with my life and ive never had a lover and i don’t have many friends #and i don’t have any passions or dreams or goals and we’re all only here to one day die.#damn i guess this is why people journal #maybe i should pick up journaling #i think it’d help tbh #anyway im rlly truly actually done now #edit: I HAVE ANOTHER PROBLEM #6) MY PERIOD IS MAKING ME UPSET. everything hurts and im gonna be so nauseous and gross tomorrow help me. pain & agony #7) i cant fall asleep!!!!!!!!!!! but im so tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#8) im gonna have to sit thru a transphobic + misogynistic + toxic ass chapel teaching tomorrow.

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alittleemo · 25 days

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I love having crazy beef with my former collegiate sport team I quit like I see one post and immediately say words I should be put down for.

#lee’s bullshit #like beyond the toxicity and the eating disorder culture the insane conservatism and the misogyny and the alcoholism and hazing #and the cliques and the overworking and constant travel and horrible coaching staff who didn’t stop any of that #and the complete disregard for the health and safety of your team INCLUDING PEOPLE WHO GOT SURGERY FOR THEIR INJURIES !!!#you are also simply assholes who have insane petty beef and probably shared stds. which most of u deserve.#I hope u all as a collective fall just short of success for your entire sports career. glad that man did not qualify for the Olympics. etc.#I actually am upset to this day I quit tho bc I love my sport sm I just cannot do it w that team #and because of the injury I got while there. that I was never subbed out for despite asking. so it got worse.#also how could I forget the girl who said to my face dating women is disgusting thanks girl <33 not like I told yall I was bi or anything #just disappointing yk #I do still have friends there but I’ll probably never be able to go back :/ too out of shape now + I’d prob get reinjured tbh #anyway. i REALLY should go to bed. I’m just complaining <33 I miss my sport :(

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tropicus · 2 years

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2012 and rise lgbt hcs

#also added hcs with it teehee #in order oh boy #2012 mikey: queer (fr doesn’t care nor gets any of it. also raph calls him queer both affectionately n derogatory)#2012 raph: bi (ironically the first one to come out in the group n will use the ‘ur homophobic if u don’t agree w me’ excuse #2012 leo: gay ace (last to come out due to severe comphet n when he finally realizes he was still closeted for a while)#2012 donnie: honest was gonna say cishet at first but I’ll be nice n say demiboy bi (he realizes after he gets over april)#not pictured is 2012 april but she is a severe closeted bi who suffers comphet that is worse than leo’s.#now onto rise #rise mikey: n-b gay (no way he likes women. I’m sorry)#rise raph: aroace (can’t rlly imagine any romantic relationship w him or anything like that I think he just wants platonic affection :3)#rise leo: unlabeled sexuality agender (he don’t care fr. abt both his gender and sexuality)#rise donnie: n-b queer (idk I like being a contrarian bc ik the most popular hc for him is bi n I like to switch it up)#not pictured is rise april and I’m agreeing w the masses this time. TRANS LESBIAN #edits #tmnt #also don’t ask why mikey’s queer flag is so crunchy. idk man

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askwilliamwisp · 7 months

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wiwi whats ur favorite horror movie? or genre of horror?

Well, I don’t tend to watch horror movies all that often. They remind me too much of Deadwood, even if Deadwood has sorta desensitized me to some of the more fucked up things in horror.

I guess I like psychological horror, and my life already feels like a survival horror game half the time if that counts.

Not sure if this is a horror movie, but I like the Nightmare Before Christmas. Halloween AND Christmas? I’m pretty sure that’s better than prom night but I never got to go to prom so what do I know.

#couldn’t think of anything to draw for this sorry ^^#he’s still in the woods and everything and your wisp still has the :3 face but other than that yeah #i will never forget that william is a passionate christmas enthusiast #and i don’t watch horror movies like. at all. so my frame of reference for that is incredibly narrow my apologies #but i am a HUGE fan of psychological horror and psychological horror games. which is prolly why i like wiwi so much #wiwi prolly watched like the shining or something and liked that #and he probably does watch a lot of horror movies and uses that as inspiration for the use of his ghost powers s2 #cough cough ep31-33 cough #so i’d assume he doesn’t get scared by the horror movies very easily because of growing up in deadwood and seeing way worse #but he also doesn’t like watching them that much because they remind him of deadwood #sorry for the lackluster response 😅 i’ll be getting a pen for my drawing tablet tomorrow since the last few drawings i’ve done #have been w my finger which is inconvenient. so hopefully responses on here will be a lot better soon!#wisp asks #jrwi william #anyway yeah have a great day!#mercedesglass #the horrors #the end!

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fingertipsmp3 · 1 month

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Also I can’t figure out if my life genuinely does suck or I’m just having an existential crisis because my period starts in approximately 48 hours

#it does make me worse ngl. i wish i could just yeet my uterus #i was just starting to think about how all my days are the same and it’s boring and i’m boring #and i never see anybody or meet new people or make new friends #working from home is all well and good until it makes you want to [redacted]#and you all can say ‘just leave your house!’ as much as you want but living in a small town and having no car is not really conducive #to getting myself out there #i mean my town literally has about a dozen businesses and half of them are sad pubs. the others are like hair salon; co-op; church; butcher #2 takeaways. and yeah there’s parks but all of them are kind of dire #maybe i could start getting the bus places. going somewhere else. idk #i have been thinking about taking a trip but wherever i go i still take myself and it’s like i’m in this state of permanent malaise #too nervous to talk to anyone and too impatient to linger anywhere or enjoy anything #everything i do i rush through so i can do something else #and i think amongst it all i’m just reckoning with the fact that i’m never going to be remarkable. i mean neither is anyone else really #but i always thought i’d write a novel or become a college professor or something but i’m not smart enough and i don’t have enough words #or ideas in me. not really. i’m not a creative i’m just an imitator. always have been #and i could live with being unremarkable because we all are in the cosmic universe but i still don’t think i can live with rotting #in my hometown. but then it’s like how do i get out?#i signed up for an online course just to vary things a bit. just to get some enrichment in my enclosure #it’s this slow realisation that i thought i Wanted to work at home. i thought i liked the peace of it. just me and the computer screen #but no i like to work outside and then come back to my home as my sanctuary. i have to leave it sometimes to really appreciate it #but no one wants to hire me for an intellectual job because i’m not actually that smart. and my body is too broken to work in hospitality #anymore. or is it. i mean for god’s sake i can run three times a week but i don’t trust myself to be able to stand for hours #i’m thinking about throwing myself on the mercy of my old boss like hey. i fucked up. do you have any shifts for me? i’ll do weekends #i just don’t want to lose my fucking mind #maybe i’ll text her tomorrow. the worst thing she can say is no #personal

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