6.2.24 🎉🫥

rant: pls ignore

so i am going to hostel in a few days and i have just being preparing for that. like yk if i got all the things needed, do i need to buy anything etc. recently things are just so hurried idk if it makes sense but.. never in my life till now i have actually felt things going hurriedly yk. idk i'm just not feeling me. i am on the verge of crying while typing this lmao.

but again i have existential crisis almost everyday so thats thing new. i just feel very insecure and worried. no i am not worried if i will be able to manage without my parents - i have done that many times before. i am worried about how my classmates will think of me, what will their perspective of me be, how will they behave when with me and when i'm not around. i know i do not have the "perfect" figure: i am a plus sized or a chubby person. heck i am not even fit, i am the most non-flexible person ever. everyone is gonna make fun of me. no one wants to be friend with a person who constantly experiences body insecurity, has social anxiety and is introverted. every one likes the "sunshine" person. the person who gets along with everyone, who gets awesome grades in everything, who has the fit if not the perfect figure, who can balance sports time/hobbies and studying time simultaneously.

i am scared i will be alone again - not that i am not used it. i honestly dont mind it either - in fact i prefer it. but its the fact that i will be left lonely again that just scares the shit out of me. i am not afraid of being alone, i am afraid of being lonely. i am afraid i might make "friends" but i will still have my lunch on my own.

i just dont feel good. and i know this is just for sometime, once i get into it i will be busy with assignments and shit to even care about it but that only means it wont come on the surface. it only means that it will remain on the seabed - it always remain at the back of my mind. the pandemic has changed me - and not in a good way. i hate human interaction more than ever and i have become so fucking lazy.

its my fault really - i shouldn't have let it get to me. i should have tried hard, i should been like everyone else who went out for run, walk or cycle everyday. i just want to give up. i want to give up so so so bad but i too coward to give up. i am this stupid scaredy cat who just tries to show everyone that i am not afraid of anything and my confidence is just an act. its a pathetic act to make people believe that "i am awesome and i dont care about anything". its a pathetic attempt at hiding my insecurities which 24x7 keeps poking my brain like a fucking reminder.

i crave attention - but not in a way like oh look at me i am gorgeous or some shit. i crave attention in way like i want to be held. i want someone who can understand me and not judge me. i seek validation. i just want people to tell me i am fucking great and sexy even when i know i am not going to believe a word they say bc i have fucking made this horrible image of myself in my brain. yes i know what exactly is wrong with me and want needs to be fixed but i just cant be able to fix it. i have tried, i have tried so fucking hard to fix it but i just cant. it just like waves yk every time i think ok now i am ready i can face the wave its gonna be fine - its not fine. i the wave pushes me down again and it does it with so much ease its as if the wave didnt even have to fucking try.

and that shit is messed up, i know. but i just i just feel so fucking helpless - i get frustrated and angry then. and oh boy if this wasnt enough i have anger issues. i throw things in anger, i speak things i am not supposed to say or i dont mean in anger. so yeah. i admit. the major purpose of putting this rant on my main blog was that people might read and give me comfort and tell me sweet things and praise me and whatever. i am an attention seeker - i agree to it. and i am gonna confess/agree to this too that i secretly liked when there was some small hate about me - the things people said in response to that - i really felt happy. i felt as if people do care, they do understand but it was again short lived bc then the insecurity came like a sudden wave - as if i wasnt expecting it to come so soon.

i'm just a boring, stupid and the biggest dumbfuck ever. i'm sorry if you think that, i am really trying to be interesting istg i am. just give me more time - i will be fine. i will be the interesting person. just give me some time.

yea- i live in india too <3 my mother tongue is telugu :) and choosing college and university is really difficult because now if you wanna join into uni, you need a free seat(reservation) for medical and for engineering you don't need it because they are more seat reserved and the division for girls seats is 33% (that's a good point, if girls would take engineering, but most of them take medical, do you know that?)

basically this is what i know but i don't think it'll be hard to apply because you get a good rank and percentage, colleges and uni would call you for admission, so yea- this is indian education system. i don't know everything clearly, please do tell me if i am wrong :)

lmao, roommates, i mean i'd love roomies as long as they are not chaotic but i love chaotic people :') and i need to write my boards and not until i get my results, i just have to wait till may :( my birthday is on feb 23, hehe.

my day went good yesterday and on saturday we actually went on hunt for medical colleges and last two weeks we hunted for engineering colleges, so i have interest in both. ngl i love biology but i hate medical because it takes all of my time, and i wouldn't have time to talk to you at least but i love science a lot since young :( well, my parents said "leave her for a month or two, she'll take whatever she wants too" lmao, i'm totally confused but they have me time ;)

yea- and most of the hostels don't allow electronics and they are pretty strict lmao, i think i won't choose a hostel because i'll miss all my friends, parents and you too <3 so i wouldn't risk my life for jailing myself in hostel for two years T_T

btw sorry for the late reply, i was busy on saturday as i said and sunday we went out for a little family trip, just a few miles away <3

and i have my second dose between 12 feb to 23 feb, so i think i'll go tomorrow. and i love how organized you are *sniffs* like really, i'm too stunned to speak. i wish i had an organized life too, i'm making them right by spending time with my interest i have on things, but it's still pretty hard to get used to the timings :)

anyways, have a good day/night akka, it must have been a really long day and read, i wish you to happy the next day and even more happier the next next day. (the cringe, bye T_T)

really thank you so much for always giving me good advice and somewhat taking care of me a very little :) thank you and i love you akka <3

— 🦔

😔😔 ANON IF YOU SAW THIS POST IM SORRY AND GONNA TRY TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING I WROTE

my mother tongue is tamil tho !!! :’)) i think our languages have some similarities tho bc my mom speaks/understands some telugu ! :o and that makes more sense !! 💞 i’ve actually heard about the seats and stuff from my cousins when they were talking about their exams 🤧 i live in the us and the male to female ratio is so similar here too because more girls go for medical than engineering :’) like my friend is a computer science engineering major and says all of her classes are a bunch of men and like 2-3 girls (or she’s just the only girl there) 😳

also although i studied in india for a while, i know more ab the american school system atm so i’m just gonna trust you on that 🤩🤩 i’m sure you’re right HAHAH and omg roommates can be tricky 🥲 chaotic roommates are fun but not when you need to Not be distracted 😵‍💫 i think my roommates are pretty chaotic but they all know when we need to concentrate and grind on our studying 🤧 also omg your bday is coming up pretty soon !! i’ll make sure to wish you on that day 🥰💝 with the time difference it would be on the 22nd for me which is my other friend’s bday ! :o but i put it in my calendar as a reminder 🌸🌸

that’s great that you got to look at both colleges :o was there a campus that you liked better? 🥰 also biology is rlly good for medical !! but make sure you deeply consider what job/career you want in the future because i know people who went into medical who were good with bio and chem, but then they burned out because they couldn’t imagine going through it all to become a doctor with med school and boards 🤧 im sure the process of becoming a doctor is different there tho ! but take your time and you’ll know what to do !! i’m sure you’ll thrive where you go 🌷🌷 i’m glad you’re not staying at the hostel tho bc i cant imagine being away from my friends and family without being able to talk to them D: you need to be around ppl who are supporting you and checking in !! 💓

also omg pls don’t apologize for the late response !! i’m glad you got to spend time with your family and that it went well !! 💖💖 i was pretty busy these past few days myself because i’ve been trying to get ahead on work because i’m going on a little trip this weekend with my friends :’)) i had some time here and there to get to a few asks but i wanted to provide my undivided attention 🤧💗

omg you’re getting the second round of the vaccine ?? :o good luck !! the second was the one that gave me a fever 😵‍💫 but it was only for a day so i’m sure you’ll be good by the next day !! i’m sure you’ve already gotten it by the time you read this so i hope you’re feeling better now 🥰🌷 ALSO AAHH PLS i’m not that organized but i’m trying my best to be !!! 🥲 honestly i was super unorganized for like ,, most of my life HAHAH but i’m certain you can be organized too if you put your mind to it 🤩 honestly i think my interest in pc trading and the organization(?) that comes with it has just started applying to other aspects in my life

but i hope you have a wonderful day/night as well !! 💕 take care and drink lots of water ! (i wish i answered before your vaccine to remind you to hydrate yourself before 🤧) HONESTLY YESTERDAY FELT SO LONG but today was rlly relaxing and nice !! i’m gonna go work in a coffee shop tomorrow so it’ll be nice to have a week that’s more on the down-low 🥰 i hope you have a great week ahead as well <33 and of course !! i’m always here if you need to talk, vent, or need advice on anything ☺️ ily too!!!💖

Excuse me ma’am, have you seen my kahunas?

Keeping those bold backpacker qualities at home

First blog post in a while. I’ve been working on my masters thesis which has kept me busy and unfortunately free of wandering this great world, so my laptop is not a place of pleasure lately. Summer is here and I have a great topic I think some of you could relate to. Or maybe it’s just me, we’ll see! It sure is nice to be back to writing for pleasure for a while. 

Do you ever find that the boldness you experience when you’re travelling solo goes away when you get home? I frequently have people come to me and ask how I travelled alone. Was I scared? How did I meet people? I sometimes surprise myself when I think of all of the wonderful friends (seriously, some of my very best friends) that I have met while abroad. I am a relatively outgoing person and I’m not afraid to approach someone and make a conversation so my friends often think their solo travel experiences would be different. Not true. Something comes over you when you’re on your own in that hostel, on that day tour, on that trek, that you just makes you bolder. It makes you step out of your comfort zone and unafraid of approaching people, trying new foods, taking a dance class, etc. I also find that if I am somewhere that perhaps doesn’t have a crowd my age, or maybe just isn’t touristy at that very time I am just so happy in my own company. I frequently will sit at the bar for a night cap, go out for a nice dinner, or go see a live band on my own and be perfectly content.

Yet here at home if I wanted to go for a drink and my friend couldn’t come, I just didn’t go. I wouldn’t be upset, I just thought “meh, night in instead. Maybe we can go out tomorrow”. Why is that? Do any of my fellow nomads feel that they are less (pardon my French here) “Ballsy” when you’re back at home? I’ve been struggling a lot with that lately. When I am on the road I am the absolute best version of myself. The makeup is off and with that so is the need to feel approved, the need to have company, the worries of how I look. I can sit at a bar for hours chatting to the bartender or simply reading a book if they are busy or there is a language barrier. I’ve approached groups of girls dancing and asked if I can join the party. I’ve had candlelit sunset dinners on the beaches of Bali alone. No phone, no wifi. Just me and myself and the sun on the beach. I’ve hitchhiked with a stranger in New Zealand for cryin out loud. No fear, no judgement. But once I have roots planted in come the fears and insecurities again. “I don’t want people to feel sorry for me” “Everyone is here with someone else but me” “Thats something you do in groups, not alone”. Don’t get me wrong, I think I do pretty darn well by comparison to a lot of women my age. I will go to the odd movie alone, occasionally get a table for one at restaurant, and I have lived totally on my own for over a decade, hundreds to thousands and at times hundreds of thousands of km away from family. I date if they enhance my already happy life, not because I NEED them to feel enhanced. I consider myself a very strong independent woman. But lately, I think because I’ve been in Calgary for so long without a solo trip due of my studies, I’ve been so disappointed in how much I’m requiring friends to do things I should be just doing alone. I spend a lot of time on my own which I have always loved, but I do things that are “socially acceptable” for someone to do alone. When I travel I do things that I wouldn’t dare do on my own here. Ie, go to bars or nightclubs, go dancing, explore a museum, take a tour. Where did this girl come from?! Where did that hitchhiking, globe trotting, solo dancing, plane jumping, adventure seeking, bartender chatting, coin flipping to pick a destination girl go? Am I a different person when I plant roots? If that’s the case COUNT ME OUT fixed address.   I had to sit down and think about that for a while. What I’ve realized is in fact she’s not gone. She’s in there. You can be your nomad self at home. Those aren’t two different people, that’s you! You’re just too afraid to let her shine. That person doesn’t need to go away. So I’ve made a pact with myself to do things I do when I travel while in my home life. I’ve been going to pubs and enjoy a pint a few times a week. Sometimes I’m not the only one alone, usually I am, but I just don’t care. I also signed up for river surfing lessons to take up a new hobby. My best friend couldn’t join but this time it’s not stopping me. BTW – river surfing is a Calgary thing. No oceans but a super active city so people surf on the wakes in the river. It is similar to wake surfing on a boat, minus the boat. It sounds douchy but I swear it is AWESOME!

I desperately wanted to leave town for the Calgary Stampede this year and all of my friends seemed to be booked doing other things. I didn’t let that stop me. I took my dog, packed up the Subaru and went on a camping week in Tofino, BC. Honestly guys, greatest thing I could have done – for both of us. Our campsite was right on the beach. Every morning we paddleboarded the Pacific Ocean, at lunch he’d watch me surf from shore and then we’d go into town and try a local pub or restaurant, and at night we’d light a fire and eat fish and chips on the beach. I remember sitting in front of our fire, reading my book with my best bud at my side after a good conversation with other campers and thinking how blissfully happy I was. “There she is”, I thought.  

So in case any of my fellow nomad, globetrotting, independent, hippie dippy friends out there are feeling the same way at home I just want to tell you that a. you’re not alone. And b. BREAK THAT FUNK! If you’re in a place where you can’t travel (in my case, going back to school and saving money for my next adventure) try and make your home your adventure as best as you can. Be the tourist in your own town. Be the girl or guy you were on the road. Try that new restaurant or pub, go on that tour, take that lesson. Get your backpack out and take a mini weekend somewhere close. You don’t have to leave your travel self behind. That person is in there, let them shine.

Candy