i want to start writing again. my own mind’s kinda stopped me from doing all my hobbies over the past years, out of embarrassment & shame. it was magnified by my traumatised brain being so damn good at fostering shame and self loathing. idk how to move past that but i want to try. i want to have hobbies again and i want to have little moments of fun again.

dunmeshi modern labru au where Kabru wants to try fromsoft games to understand why they’re so popular.

he gives elden ring a shot and surprise he gets fucking rolled. can’t get past tree sentinel, tries to fight Margit at level 15, put all his stats in intelligence and not enough dex, hasn’t even found a proper staff, picked warrior as his starting class.

he’s ready to uninstall but he paid full price for this game, he’s at least gonna defeat one boss goddammit. so he tries summoning players for aid and just his luck, he summons cooperator WolfChimeraWyvern.

and this cooperator is SO GOOD, he solos Margit without getting hit, and Kabru is just. in awe. so he adds him as a friend.

and that’s how he meets Laios, expert on all things fromsoft (has literally read every item description, knows the most obscure lore by heart, don’t ask him how many hours he’s played, he has all the platinums)

Thinking of him again

pov a huge twewy/ntwewy nerd visits shibuya part 2

ramen town baby!!! yeah i was not about to climb that whole hill even though it really wasn’t that steep. dogenzaka beloved

you only visit this place once in the main game but there are so so many things i could say about it. man the neku-josh-sho week 2 dynamic was the wildest and funniest thing in the world

spain hill (from above) (idk uhh what’s iconic about here?) (i didn’t trip on any haunted step that much i know)

the vibes of this place… not accessible until so late in the game (in both games) but so good both times. like the story beats that happened here were always excellent. i always loved being at shibuya stream in ntwewy it was beyond surreal stepping out of the station and just actually being here irl

le susukichi boss fight (and some more cool puzzles)

shibuya hikarie! not much to say here but the food you find here in ntwewy looked so good man i need to actually eat more while here

there are a few more actually oops! part 3 momentarily

Listen: if you’re questioning your sexuality or gender and having a really difficult time figuring stuff out, you might wanna try reframing your thinking from “what am I?” to “what do I want?”

If you want to have sex with men, do it! If you want to go on hormones because the physical affects are desirable to you, do it! If you don’t want to have sex at all, (don’t) do it!

Labels can be a wonderful thing, don’t get me wrong, but they can also cause you to second-guess yourself into paralysis if you give them too much importance. You can always label your identity later on if you want to, but, in the meantime, don’t let stress over which label is “right” stop you from doing what makes you feel fulfilled in the here and now.

So the guy I was today, has the fun mix of taking control and being rough w me, but also makes me feel like he feels lucky to get to be w me. Idk how to describe it. But like I notice it from the comparison to other men, but like how he compliments me and my body def feels like he’s like maybe appreciating that he gets to fuck me more. I feel that from some other guys too, but it’s such a consistent thing w him. And it’s def nice.

Is it normal for your brother in law to tell you that you have a “huge rack”?

god astarion drives me insane. he wants so badly to be uncaring and unaffected but he Isn’t. “this isn’t you, astarion.” “it should be.” i’m ill. i hate him. he has to convince himself he’s capable of unspeakable violence (and he is) without living to regret it (he is not) by echoing the same horrors he experienced. by pretending it’s okay as long as it isn’t happening to him. i keep thinking about using detect thoughts on cazador and the way all of his dreams are just memories of a time before he was this and about the fact that he was so clearly grooming astarion to replace him the way his sire groomed him because what was it all for if the cycle is broken now? and about how the choice between escaping from the cycle and continuing it is laid out in front of astarion and either way he chooses he cannot win. if he takes the power he will be beholden to it and to cazador for as long as he lives but if he rejects it he rejects his only chance to live in the sun and be free from hunger and pain. he either has to become the person he is convincing himself he can be or admit that he never was in the first place. he either has to be what he was made to be (familiar, easy, ingrained) or he has to be better (new, frightening, unknown.)

trying to write this essay while maintaining at least a facade of academic objective voice is ridiculous, actually

Merlin and the Fomorroh; parallels

ok so I’m editing yet another merlin fanvid wip and currently collecting what scenes I may or may not use, so I’m already analysing media even more like a puzzle piece. maybe I’m reading too much into this! but I’m currently going somewhat feral over this train of thought

when Morgana introduces the fomorroh in a servant of two masters she coos and says “he’s a little grumpy. He’s not used to being out in the light.” and the camera is focused on Merlin.

and wow my brain zeroed in on that double meaning.

Merlin, who hides half of himself in the shadows for fear of what secrets the light might shed, and what consequences it might wrought. Merlin, who gets rather grumpy and snarky when backed into a corner with the only escape a spotlight (until he fights his way out).

That’s not the only double meaning I connected. Further on in the scene, Morgana continues her little monologue about the fomorroh; it is a creature of dark magic. even if you cut off one head, another will grow in its place.

and once again the camera focuses on Merlin directly after she says this. I know that obviously this is just to show Merlin’s naturally horrified reaction, and dread, because he’s putting together that whatever Morgana’s about to do to him, it’s not easily solved with the swing of a sword. But the camera focus just enables my love of double meanings.

Because Merlin is both mortal and immortal. You can try to kill him. And maybe you will succeed. Maybe you’ll chop off his metaphorical head and think you’ve triumphed. But he lives, he wakes, and he does not die. Merlin is dragged back to life, growing in the place of his old self.

Head after head after head. Life after life after life. Year after year after year.

And secondly, while this isn’t a double meaning, it’s got me thinking. Morgana called the fomorroh a creature of dark magic. and dark magic is called dark for good reason, from the examples we have gotten in the show - both the ones mentioned and seen, as part of the plot - but dark magic is still magic, isn’t it.

And Merlin is magic.

Merlin is all magic.

And as Merlin said, there is no evil in sorcery, only in the hearts of men. Dark magic is dark because of how it was abused by those who wielded it unchecked, by those with dark motives and actions. I have no idea if the fomorroh was created by those who practiced dark magic, if it manifested on its own from the use of dark magic, or if it existed neutrally like any other magical creature before it was either appropriated or trained or manipulated by those with dark magic, until it became associated with it. I’ve no idea.

Merlin and the fomorroh are both creatures of magic, dark or not. Both manipulated and used to manipulate. Both forced into the shadows and both toeing the line between mortality and immortality.

nobody asked but these are probably my favourite live looks hayama-san gave us lol

how does a person even move on from something like this? how do you find the strength to try?

do u ever just

.

my niece wasn’t feeling good today so I picked her up and held her until she fell asleep and everything was all cute and sweet right………………why did she shit in my bed 🧍🏽‍♀️

They’re calling my baby Gojo, Joseph Joestar now