#idk i just felt sad for him again
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"The lonliest moment is someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."
#sebastien le livre#booker#the old guard#idk i just felt sad for him again#sad little man#staring into the abyss#he was just told he was gonna be alone for a century come on#he is allowed to b sad
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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new rgg fans will never know what they missed back in ye olden days of the fandom (like, 2019), doubly so now that scott strichart's deleted his twitter and jon riesenbach's privated. twitter was so fucking fun and then whatever-the-hell at sega of america happened and caused a fucking snowball effect and now we have shitass localization and resulting discourse that makes every release nigh unbearable, misinformation, confusion, people complaining about "bad writing/mischaracterization" not realizing it's because of the shitass english loc, i'm sitting here like jesus christ these loc bitches massacred saejima's character voice, people will never see him as he was intended, as original yakuza 5 localization Correctly painted him, and now they're coming for kiryu. god help us. we used to be a proper fandom. before everyone was subjected to the remastered localizations and shaky eng characterization. no one had even played yakuza 3-5, people still called morning glory "sunshine" orphanage, kiryu was our only protagonist and people still called him "boring", it was beautiful...
anyway gaiden uses affective instead of effective because the current localization team is full of careless dumbasses who don't give a fuck about ensuring they're using correct english grammar and this is not an isolated incident
#ada speaks#ive been playing through the series again from 0-5 and. yeesh#it goes from LIFE IS GOOD. LOC IS GOOD. to. oh.#yakuza 5's original localization is near perfect and they couldve made it better but instead#they opted for the cost cutting approach and decided NOT to retranslate and instead#just fucking. re-localized the localization and SO much is wrong. so much.#im playing simultaneously with a friend (myself on ps3 them on pc) and seeing the differences#and it happens in y3r and y4r too where#the original line is localized > the remastered line takes it and runs with it bc they have no original translation context#ie. in 3 rikiya says he likes 'wild' dancers. (re: strip club) it gets localized to be him liking 'aggressive' dancers.#in 3 remastered he says he likes AGGRESSIVE DOMINEERING WOMEN and that gets his Gears Turning#or. in 5 shinada says that uno is 'a little sad up top' re: his hair. and 5 remastered he says 'kinda mopey'#because they misunderstood the original english loc and so. completely fucked up the line to mean something else entirely#its like broken telephone#the same is SOMEHOW also happening in 8... i dont know HOW but somehow it fucking is#meanwhile im revisiting zero and going OH YEAH GOOD CHOICE. THAT MAKES SENSE. GREAT WRITING. WOW THAT'S AN A+ INTERPRETATION OF THAT LINE.#i miss the old loc team so bad. bring me back.#its mostly frustrating because i can see the shitass eng writing and still enjoy the game beneath it (unless it's not voiced.) but#i feel so bad for everyone flying blind and forced to take the loc at face value#its been like this since lost judgment but the main story was Fine (if a bit rushed) because. scott was still doing his thing#the substories in lost judgment also felt like they were of the same calibre (shit.) as remastered and. idk.#it seems like its been a shitshow at SoA behind the scenes for Years#and it shows.
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some illustrations/vibes from my uhh 29k memory trauma/disability focus orufrey fic, into the deep end.
#witch hat tag#orufrey#idk what more i'll draw so i'll just put these here. i think my failing eye qifrey will be with me forever now.#yesterday - i realise this is probably weird - i BURST into tears for ages like hot tears bc i just suddenly was overwhelmed#by oru's feelings rather than qifrey's. i was just in my orufrey mindscape as usual teehee and i just. oru wanted qifrey to be able to look#at him so much suddenly. and realised that can't ever happen again. i could literally cry a lot again now. i wrote oru trying so hard#to focus on the good qifrey can still have from living and i felt bad and HE felt bad in that moment for being SO sad about it#but until then i/he hadn't processed the truly painful parts of disability that you can't deny. sometimes it hurts so bad and it's unfair#the thing is i do feel that shirahama is leading up to this. disability is so central to witch hat and as for qifrey's narrative...#mm. i can't really believe the powerful and desperate emotions orufrey give me lol anyyyyywwaaayyyyy read my fic haha#i want more ppl to read it and tell me they enjoyed it..but you can't beg for such a thing. no matter what orufrey is..god they are so much#i am so glad from the bottom of my heart that i encountered this manga.#the first drawing is meant to express the feeling of pain coming from one place in your body. and feeling like a conduit#*oru voice* You are a human being.
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me last month seeing the elevator falling and the implication dazai might die: lol. lmao even
me this month seeing him drag his bloody broken feet until he can’t move anymore and telling fyodor he’s tired of being in pain and asking for a break from it etc:
#i knew he wasn't going to die. i didn't even expect him to get too badly hurt.#but seeing him like this... i think it's about how he lacks control here at this point. when he always makes sure to have at least some#it's also way more Real like there is actual danger in it#ik i said last week i don't think dazai will die but with the way sigma talked abt him it almost felt like it might happen-#but that'd be too sad. and again i don't think he will. the fact it's chuuya coming to finish the job gives me a lot of hope#it's also just sad to see him suffer so much in a sacrificial way. usually his self inflicted pain is... not helpful to say the least#aurgh. i need to process all this somehow idk how to put it in words sorry#bsd spoilers
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📚🎀💕
#hmm there's this librarian working at my local library....#and i know him from before. i was in a bookclub that he was in charge of when i was like 14#the books he chose are the reason i started reading again after a slump of like 2 years#he was always really nice and i felt an affinity w him bc he seemed to also be kinda awkward etc skksks#a couple of years later i was supposed to be in another bookclub that he lead but i ended up never going#he was very nice and tried saying hi to me and smalltalk etc for a while after#but since i was at that time really coming into my avoidant personality disorder#i was just weird and non responsive so obviously we just stopped interacting#however... he still works at the library and i've been seing him every time im there lately#he is SO cool and he has really grown into himself more and he is genuinely nice to ppl#also he was wearing a t-shirt today and i saw that he has tattoos @_@#what im getting is that i think that i have a crush on him again skskksks#i did have a crush on him when i was 14 but it feels more appropriate now that im 25 lol#idk his exact age but he's younger. maybe in his early 30s i'd guess#*not younger that me younger than the librarian stereotype i mean lmao#but yeah my crush on him kinda revived and now im so sad bc i could've known him!!! i could've been able to talk to him#but i messed it up years ago 😔 so now it'd just be strange to strike up a convo. + im not sure he remembers me anymore#sighhhh. everytime i go to the library tho im like.. there he is... so dreamy.. he loves books and reading...#he was also very interesting and he just talks in a way that is compelling and like ugh#UGHHHHHH
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i just finished q’s vod from yesterday and honestly? i feel vindicated in my belief that q’s attraction to wilbur is based more around his romanticisation of relationships (and his grief for tilín, silent but ever present) than love
#again don’t get me wrong i think he’s attracted to wilbur but babygirl ia not in love with him#honestly this stream more than anything is making me read him as arospec#his little speech/breakdown where he cries and asks why he doesn’t feel anything#his comment about how maybe he needs to relearn what love means like sophia#comparing himself to a character who has expressed her inability to experience human emotions in the way that humans do#but who wants to learn anyway#i think people reading it as sadness solely about wilbur not actually being there are missing how much of his sadness is due to internal#feelings#he’s upset because he feels broken. because he feels like getting married should have fixed him#because he idealised the idea of marriage as soemthing that would make things better#ans when it didn’t and he felt as numb as ever he started crying#and he went and tried to seek out someone who would be able to understand him. someone who has expressed similar experiences: sophia#idk i just dont think qwilbur as a person actually plays a massive role in q’s emotions#it’s about his projections and his idealised notions crumbling around him#and leaving him alone again#maybe i’m projecting but i also find this dynamic more interesting than just q is sad because wilbur wasn’t actually there#quackity#qsmp
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IGNORE ME I'M SORRY I KEEP TALKING ABT IT i'm just so not used to my cat not being around and it kinda kills me inside to not hear him walking around or meowing or sleeping at the bottom of the staircase anymore... it used to be like a nightly routine where i'd go downstairs and make myself a drink and give him some water and now i just. don't even wanna go down there anymore.
#you really underestimate how different things will be when they're gone. 18 years of learning his new routines and favorite places to nap#and it's just all. gone. not like i didn't experience it but just the fact that i will never experience it with him again... it's so hard#& that's like the last vestige of my childhood gone too. i mean i got my current dog when i was around 13/14 and she's gettin' up there too#so it's just like. my life dropped out from under me and i'm desperately clinging to what is left but there's not much#everything feels so hollow and i don't know hoe to vocalize that because my family is always trying so hard to heal and i don't want to#make their grief process any harder by accidentally awakening the same latent feelings in them. or whatever#i just miss him so so much but i know we made the right choice. he was old and we had a lot of good years together and we saved him from#spending his last few days in suffering by ending his pain early and offering him as much love and warmth and comfort as we could#and i know he appreaciated it and i know he loves us all and like that's not the part i have issue with#it's just. his lack of presence. i don't deny that his ghost may be around (my famjly is very spiritual like that and i have heard him) but#physically he's gone forever except for chunks of his fur and whatever else is laying around#loss is just so fucking unfair because it's completely understandable and makes total sense but it will never ever be unable to be felt...#idk. i'm just exhausted and sad and i miss my little guy. hell i still miss my dog and that happened like 5 years ago#love never goes away it just changes shaoe and makes you really really sad and kinda wanna kill youself but that would make THEM sad#so. you gotta live. you gotta be brave.
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hmmmm... ran into my ex today
#cy says stuff#personal#it's been three years but i had such a strong feeling that i would see him and i did#he definitely saw me first and when we made eye contact i think he like confirmed that it was me#and he looked... scared#which is like. dude it's been three years i have made peace with it#and then he literally just ran out of the building without ordering food or anything#and I'm like damn i wanted to talk to you!#i wanna know how he is!#but tbh by the looks of it he seemed unwell! which is sad because i really wanted him to be okay..#i just feel so much older now and seeing him again really made me realize how i just want him to not be sad anymore#And i felt that when we were dating and after we broke up#and to see that he's still sad is like :((( idk it kind of breaks my heart a little bit#i know he's still beating himself up about everything and I'm like bro i forgave you years ago i promise you it's okay#idk. i wish him well. i hope he turns out okay. i hope he figures out how to love himself and the life he's been given#and I'm happy i cut off contact when i did because i know it would've broken my heart to see him stay like this for so long#and i wonder why his reaction was to be afraid#because i was stern after we broke up but i was never out here threatening ppl or actively trying to hurt them#like the worst thing i did was ask him why he thought it was appropriate to keep randomly texting me to compliment my appearance after we'd#been broken up for months#and I'm like what life experiences are you having that make you afraid.. what have you come to expect???#idk i feel like he's just so guilty about everything he's ever done and he's made himself out to be this monster that deserves that respons#but he really isn't like he was just a kid and he just keeps fucking himself over cause he never learned how to be healthy or get help#idk im kind of grieving for him rn! like I'm sorry your life turned out like that!#i can't make it better for him but im definitely not going to make it worse#and if we ever talk i will tell him i forgive him and that he should forgive himself too#for that at least lmao#no idea what he's been up to in these past few years#but he clearly wasn't ready to talk today so#maybe some other time some other place some other world
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yall my ex is so lucky we're not together now that I'm off my meds for like. not even the reason that makes sense.
#oooooh i have no appetite now that I'm not on multiple meds with weight gain as a side effect#surely that aspect of my being is evil of me#pretty sure my unmedicated bipolar disorder would just be like fun for him bc im not always depressed anymore#not to be like crazy or whatever but the fact that while i was taking meds and working on my relationship w food they were like. bitter?#like demonized me both having problems with food and seeking help for them#&viewed my being on medication as exceptionally privileged which like. i wish i was on them again i get it but also getting that 'privilege'#required 1) my own fucking money i got from having a job something they didnt get until we broke up and i was like#im not paying off our apartment alone so either you or your parents owe me money every month#and 2) getting hospitalized after an attempt#because i had the privilege of being on twice the max dose of an antidepressant that didnt help me#like. ugh yes it was a privilege and one that i miss having but it also sucked getting there it wasnt like#idk the way they framed it was always like i was offered the fucking luck of the draw on it or whatever#like sorry? remember when i was on so much lexapro i went into a dissociative fugue and started dating you lol fuck off#because i actually genuinely dont remember like 6 or 7 months because of that shit!#i actually ended up hospitalized from it and all i remember hearing about it was that you were sad bc you felt you werent enough to stop it#like it had fucking anything to do with you#like wish them all the best but damn. actually they sucked very very badly. i hope they figure it out one day but probably not#ik theyre on antidepressants now so yknow. im sure theyll forget being medicated means theyre privileged now#becomes normal once its them or some shit
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Literally never understood any of the ships in jjk akajkaa
#I don’t feel anything for most of the popular ones and even shit like gojo and shoko now like I guess in the latest chapter she was like I#fell for one of you (probably talking about gojo who knows??? which felt out of nowhere and random as hell) like gege is really giving jjk#the csm pacing even tho the diff between the two is that csm is extremely consistent and still makes sense and manages to pull you in even#with how fast paced it is#fujimoto gives you bits and pieces of information while not dwelling on it too much while still managing to get whatever point he was trying#to make across#idk why gege is trying to do the same damn there but erm… it isn’t working at all and is actually ruining the quality of the story all#together and I hate it sm because the story started to fall down right as soon as the culling game/Coloney arcs started like there were high#points but not many of them 😭… and the fact that he’s rushing the shit out of the story now just to say that he’s finished makes me sad lol#like idk if he’s sick again??? or??? is it the editors? jump forcing him to continue on working despite the quality dropping like this??? I#hate capitalism…. I hate the churning out of doo doo just to make a profit to to say that you’re through like#if gege don’t take another hiatus and put that pen down and get some rest because this is not it 😭#sorry… I was just talking about how ships in jjk don’t make any sense and then I started talking about how shit the stories become sorry#rambling#wait#the only ship I ever liked in the entire manga is gonami now that is something else but everything else 😭#I don’t think there’s a lot of content for gonami but oh well
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wolf's rain spoilers
toboe....
#he was my son#i adopted him#why did they have to do that#he was just a kid#something about him always having liked humans and fighting to be one with them despite all the rejecting he had and still believing it#never made him any less wolf when all the others felt alienated from it even blue who discovered her wolf identity after having lived with#humans her whole life and knowing his last moments were just him trying to approach quent and getting rejected once again#and never getting to see quent actually reaching for him after he was shot.... something about that breaks my heart a little#i am so sad#quent is such an interesting character too#he had death flags all over him for so many episodes but his death really was well done#but it still pains#idk quent is such an antithesis to all the other characters especially toboe tsume and kiba#the way he himself admits he has only held on to life because of the hate he felt that living for him was just searching for a place to die#even being confronted with the truth that wolves weren't the ones responsible for his misery he had to believe they were#even being shown kindness by them and especially toboe didn't make his belief waver because that's what held him as a person#but in those last few seconds we got to see the horror in his eyes of seeing this kind kid get shot and him finally accepting toboe's#humanity#he died like that#but blue will never know that#his last words to blue were rejecting her too...#ah#this is sad#i hate this stupid anime for killing my favourite character who was also a damn kid why why let my boy be happy why pain why suffering 😭#cruel cruel evil#i hate it#anyways will watch the rest :c#only two episodes to go..... how worse can it get ahah ✌️#wolf's rain spoilers
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kissing you on the cheek cause your writing scratched my brain in the right way, bless u 💕
WAGHGHGH THAMK U SO MUCH ;w;;; <333 writing about ocs and their emotions has always been insanely interesting to me but vitali and his anger and ESPECIALLY how all of that connects to his past and how it's become relevant again in his story because of what happened to him when he was brainwashed by arasaka just makes me so [clenches fist] i am very very normal about him LMFAO
#asks#mutuals#inakingdombythesea#idk how much you've read abt him so i tried to be as coherent as possible without rambling Too Much but#there's just something so satisfying about making a character who's worked so hard on controlling themself Snap. go off king#for vito specifically it's a bit sad because it ends up backfiring immediately but. god for a second it felt Good#and then diving into how he picks himself up again from that is ALSO so interesting i'm just shaking him in my purse rn
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