#i've got a lot going on in this big ol world i've found myself in lmao
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Hello, hey, dropping in with a query.
Since CS has officially concluded (congrats by the way!) I wanna ask about your own interpretation of Mother Nature.
She is absolutely my girl, I adore her, queen, but I wanna know how exactly she fits into the CS world structure. How does she keep looking so young when everyone else ages normally? What was her relationship to Mother Gaia? What kind of magical creature is she and was mother Gaia also the same kind? How does she fit into the government structure? HOW IS SHE SO TALL???
Idk, she's been on my mind a lot and I'm assuming we'll know a bit more about all that at some point but I can't wait that long lol
Thank you!! You know, it's so funny, bc while I was oot and aboot yesterday/Friday I was like "I can take a breather from writing, just focus on other things--" and not 24 hours later I had the Into the Shadows plotting doc open, as I finally figured out what happens in Chapter 7 🫠🫠
I WILL NEVER KNOW PEACE! But what can I say, I love this world and I love writing. Shit's FUN
ANYWAY. YOUR QUERY MY GOOD FRIEND. I COME WITH ANSWERS IN POINT FORM NOTES
It's all kinda rough tbh??? More like scattery thoughts if anything but HERE YOU GO! HAVE SOME CS LORE!
Okay okay so Mother Gaia was essentially the personification of ALL nature, and as such, could wield all Nature :) She looks like a sprite, tho, and for all intents and purposes would call herself a sprite--same with Mother Nature
This also checks out bc in CS, sprites are specifically fae who can control weather/nature/the elements! :)
Gaia was the Goddess's connection to the people, and got a little lonely when the Goddess was like "everyone is safe, things are going well, take it easy, Gaia!" so, she created a companion. A fellow personification of nature that she named Tara, who could do everything she could do
The Goddess gave her a light life, which is like a little ball of life that brings things to life (I am soo creative at naming things I swear) and Gaia used it to give Tara, well. life!
So, Mother Gaia was in all senses of the word, Mother Nature's Mother! Tara called her Mother and meant it in all the ways :)
Gaia trained her, raised her, loved her very very much and eventually started training her to take her own place one day
And that day came faster than expected for Tara when Mother Gaia fucking SNAPPED mid fae war and scorched the land to stop the fighting, in a stretch that has since NEVER GROWN BACK. It's known as the scar. Autumn lives close to it in modern-day CS.
Once that happened, Gaia was like APPALLED. She'd been just as bad as the fae fighting over who was best, using her powers for what she wasn't meant to use her powers for: hurting the Earth
She was beside herself; went to go talk to the Goddess and was gone for DAYS. All the fighting stopped, tho!
Then she and the Goddess came up with Rosehaven and the Call, and Gaia went with the old fae during the Call, leaving Tara to be the Next Mother Gaia
And she chose the title Mother Nature and here we are!
SO. In modern day CS, she is: the connection to the goddess for the magibeans, if they need her to be; guards the magic of creation/life/balance??? (a system I'm still trying to figure out lol, I'll have to dig up those notes at some point), and heads the Council with Father Time.
She's on the Assembly because when it was formed NOBODY felt right not having her on there, so she's kind of like. She's the approver of decisions lol. She lets them do their thing but if they ever come to an impasse they turn to her, and her word is essentially law
That's sort of why when the Twin Princes were born she was called to choose who'd rule next! Well, Gaia was, but Gaia left the decision to Tara as they were at That Point in training: POLITICS. If magibeans had an issue that couldn't be solved amongst themselves OR by the royals, MN/MG would be called upon and what she'd say, GOES
Which left for a lot of last minute swerves bc Gaia was clever and MN is just as clever. See: that story about the two people fighting over the chicken???? I forget what it was, anyway, the person presiding went CUT IT IN HALF and one was like okay cool! And the other was like SOB NO MY CHICKEN and the person deciding was like GOT EM LOL. That sorta shit.
In the event of an emergency, Mother Nature and the CS Governor (so Blaise since this mans just can't seem to lose an election, and he has TRIED some years) become de facto co-rulers and both have to agree on decisions before acting on them. This would be like. In a nasty war or like. end of the world circumstance kinda thing
SO YEAH SHE'S BASICALLY JUST THE HEAD BITCH IN CHARGE. KEEPS MOTHER FUCKERS IN LINE. WILL TELL PEOPLE IF WHAT THEY WANNA DO IS STUPID. ALSO, CONTROLS ALL NATURE AND KEEPS THE SEASONS GOING AND THE LIKE.
Why is she so young looking compared to everyone else? Well, if you asked her, she'd say you're only as old as you feel and offer no explanation. In terms of height, she'd look at you quizzically and go "Why not?" and that'd be her answer
this is Dani for "bc she can choose how to present herself and that's how she chooses too!"
kinda like Steven's gem reacting to his mindset sort of thing.
and also, tall Mother Nature just fucking SLAPS. She SHOULD be tall as FUCK! I subscribe to that! I LOVE tall MN. EVERYONE looks up to her--quite literally!
Except for like giants and trolls and other very tall magibeans and folklore creatures and the like 🤭🤭🤭
Hopefully I got all your questions! Thank you for asking! I LOVE thinking of early CS lore, it's so FUN and Mother Nature is one of my FAVES. I get so ragey in tsc fics where's she's written as a HUGE MEANER, super angry, etc etc and even borderline villain? GOD. I JUST. SHE'S A BADASS AND VERY SWEET AND EVERYONE FORGETS THE SWEET BIT!!! SHE WAS SO KIND TO SANTA AND THE OTHER LEGENDS IN THE MOVIES AND EVEN WHEN JACK WAS JACKING ABOUT, SHE WAS GENTLY CHIDING HIM!!!!!!! FUCK MAN! I'M GONNA EXPLODE JUST THINKING OF BAD MN CHARACTERIZATION! AH!
Please excuse the rant and uh, enjoy the heckin answer 😅😅😅
#dani answers#alpharra#cs lore#ask box shenanigans#crystal springs#and i GUESS i'll tag it as#tsc#as well. but not the full tag; this is way more cs lore than it is fanlore tbh lol#there's also two types of sprites! seasonal sprites and elemental sprites#the seasons and the frosts are all seasonal sprites--they have the whole entire season at their fingertips#elemental sprites are more like benders--can manipulate water or ice or fire or rocks/earth or make plants grow#i've got a lot going on in this big ol world i've found myself in lmao#ANYWAY THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!! I LOVE ASKS! ASKS ARE MY FAVOURITE! ESPECIALLY ONES THAT DETAIL ALL THE LORE FOR CS!!#CS ADJACENT ASKS IN GENERAL! AH!#i actually have a lil story planned that's about half (re) written that introduces the call and light lifes and how the seasons came to be#maybe I'll square it up and post it this summer!! :)#long post#sorry for the lack of read more i didn't know where it would best fit without breaking up the text#APOLOGIES TO YOUR DASHES
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20 Questions For Writers
@pencilofawesomeness Doing this because why not
How many works do you have on AO3?
I have 17 works as of this post. There is a good chance that there will be many more. Pencil, I envy you and all your brainchildren.
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
I am at a grand total of... 119,898 words. Holy cow! I'm willing to bet most of that came from AHC.
3. What fandoms do I write for?
Whatever piece of media I'm hyperfixating on at that point in time, though I do try to keep myself from writing too many multi-chapters. My main fandoms are Bleach, Fairy Tail, and Jujutsu Kaisen with what I write though I do plan on writing some stuff for NNT and Hellsing.
4. What are your top fics by kudos?
5. Apocrypha (Bleach) - 98 kudos
4. Dear God (Bleach) - 121 kudos
3. Just In Case (Bleach) - 204 kudos
2. A Hollow Crown (Bleach) - 413 kudos
A Wisteria To Our Eternity (Jujutsu Kaisen) - 581 kudos
Three of my top five fics are AiIchi. Wasn't surprised that AHC would be up there since it's kind of my HTTYDS.
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. There are times where I can't figure out how to respond to a comment to I just kinda leave it be. Other times, I could respond because I want to know the audience's thoughts on a chapter or they mention liking this or that and I want to know why. To me, what helps improve writing is understanding not only how something works but why it works. For example, why do so many people like my characterization of Aizen in A Hollow Crown? What about his characterization makes people like him? Or I go to the comments when I need ideas and running around in my own head doesn't do the trick. Hell, I'll even leave it in the author's notes if I'm having trouble with a plot point and could use some audience feedback.
6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
I'd say Ich bin verlore since it was a one-shot about longing for something you'd never have and wondering if what you did have was the real thing or not. Also, it's a Berserk fic so angst is inevitable.
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
If we only include multi-chapters, then it could only go to A Hollow Crown since it's my only completed multichapter. And I'd say is a quiet sort of happiness, setting up for events to come and giving some characters a sense of hope. If we include one-shots, then I'd give that one to Dear God since it's an ending on a hopeful note where things can only really go up.
8. Do you get any hate on fics?
Nope! Hasn't happened to me.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
It's all yaoi smut. I tend to keep things from going into dub-con territory as smut where the consent isn't exactly clear is a squick for me. Any smut I write is between two or more adults, as I find writing smut of underage characters to be... ew.
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
I plan to write some. I've got an NNT x TOH fic I'm debating writing, one that's a big ol' fandom crossover inspired by Fear and Hunger 2: Termina. Another one I have in mind to write is this Bleach x Seven Deadly Sins that's moreso the world of NNT with the characters of Bleach (like pencil's Genshin x NNT fic).
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Nope, and I hope I never get one stolen.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
No, though I'd love to take a crack at translating my own fics. Gotta get in that translation practice somehow!
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Nope.
14. What's your all-time favourite ship?
I do have a lot of ships, but I wouldn't quite say I have a favorite. I've written the most for AiIchi but I'd love to write for some others. Also, I'm someone who is more on board for found family fics or fics just focusing on the bonds between people.
15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
Someday, I will return to my WIPs and finish them! Or I'd like to. To be honest, I have sooo many in my head that I need to put to paper.
16. What are your writing strengths?
I'd say character analysis. Several people have said that I'm good at breaking down a character and seeing what makes them work and then putting them into a fic.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
This is more of a personal nitpick with myself, but I feel like I struggle with making my chapters long enough. How do I get myself to write longer chapters? I wanna write longer chapters, dammit.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
You're asking this from the world languages major! I love adding that in... well, when it makes sense. If I can use it to add some spice to a character or give hints about them *cough* AHC!Grimmjow *cough* then I'll go right ahead. Ya just need to do it in a way that makes sense both in and out of the story to where readers can get the gist of it.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Fairy Tail! Demons x Dragonslayers is my oldest fic and first wrote it on Wattpad but started its rewrite on when I started cross-posting it on AO3.
20. Favourite fic you've ever written?
It'd have to be A Hollow Crown and by extension its series Hollow Moon . Yes, DxD is what started my fanfic journey but it was A Hollow Crown that really kicked it off. It also started my obsession of 'what if Aizen but good but he was still Aizen'.
Get tagged bozos: @johannepetereric , @averiina , @skullywullypully , @backwardshirt
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👀👀👀 For the bingo, I'd like to hear your thoughts on Aki (csm just to be safe because its quite a common name haha), Makima, Isagi, Kaiser, Reo, and Mikoto.
.. OH BOY I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO HEAR SOME OF THE WORST TAKES EVER
.. i'm going to be honest. I GENUINELY FORGET AKI EXISTS SOMETIMES. like my brain just goes "uhhh remember denji and power's big bro" and im like "OH". if you remember my akutagawa bingo, i think you can see a pattern which can only be described as "i am so sorry but i just cannot make myself care about brooding dark-haired anime boys" 😭😭 (dan heng from hsr is one of the few exceptions) idk i really do think his story was sad but i'm also kinda like. i was too focused on other things when i read and watched csm JSKDSLASLSL. "what things" well.. let's talk about the next character on our list.
feel free to shoot me or stab me for this. but yes, THIS WOMAN IS ACTUALLY MY FAV CSM CHARACTER 😭 (along with kobeni and asa) i just love evil women! and i love well-written evil women! and i have so much to say about her. i genuinely love the way she was written and she's a very realistic character, but i am not a fan of how the csm fandom just. doesn't care about her character at all and cares only about her crimes and i'm not even talking about her basically destroying the whole world and killing SO MANY PEOPLE, i'm talking about her relationship with denji. which is, OF COURSE, bad and extremely toxic and unhealthy, especially considering that denji is a minor. however, i think seeing that as her only "personality trait" is so.. it just doesn't sit right with me. like i would be okay with people talking about everything she's done and analyzing it and going "yeah she's still a bad person even if she's well-written and deep" but i am NOT okay with people going "yeah she's a groomer and also she killed my faves :(" like. i don't know. if you don't want to interact with such "problematic" content just don't read it? though i'm gonna be honest i'm pretty sure most csm fans are very young and from what i heard, a lot of them haven't even read/watched any "dark" content before csm. me picking "they are innocent if u ignore their various crimes" is obv a joke, i definitely agree that makima is a terrible person, but also. i can't deny that she's pretty <3 and also the fact that she just needed a hug breaks my heart every time i think about it. i actually have a plushie of her too! one of the best purchases i've ever made, she stares at me with her big ol' yellow eyes and i do everything she says. thank you for motivating me to do my hw, queen.
but enough talking about my faves. honestly.. i don't really care about isagi? which actually makes me very sad bc i found him very relatable at first but then i kinda got bored? like i can't even describe his personality, i can only say "uhhh he's friendly with other guys unless he's playing football and also. uh. he likes football"? and ig that can also be very fun and i'm usually a huge fan of characters that usually act nice but also have a very rude and mean side, but isagi is just. idk, i don't really find him that interesting and those moments when he's like, busy analyzing everything and coming up with strategies.. honestly, i just skipped them JSDKSLSLS. I WANTED MORE ACTION OKAY. i think his relationship with bachira is cute though!
BACK TO MY FAVES. i would bite kaiser's head off if i ever got the chance but he's also one of my fav characters. yeah. he's so cool, i love his design sm, i need to look like him. i want to get into his head and figure out what's wrong with him. i want to squeeze him and crush him and tear him apart, but i also love him so much. tbh i don't know anything about the new chapters, but i'd love to learn more about him, it's like, at the same time, i want him to have a backstory that's a little bit (or maybe VERY) sad, but i also kinda want him to be like that just bc he can (even though i'm pretty sure it was implied that he does have a reason for acting like that). and yes, i love his relationship dynamic with ness. yeah.
reo. another fave of mine. though i actually didn't like him that much when i first saw him, but. i knew deep down that a purple boy will become one of my faves. love this gay disaster of a man, everything that happened between him and nagi was more entertaining than every single romance movie that i've ever watched. i want him to get better and realize that he's capable of doing great things without him. i also want him to become even more dependent on him for angst reasons. it's hard. and i honestly both love and hate that moment when he decides to return to nagi right after he finally started to get some character development, because YES I WANT HIM TO GROW AND I WANT HIS PERSONALITY TO BE SOMETHING OTHER THAN "if i spend at least one day w/o nagi i will die", but also it's very realistic and as someone who was in MULTIPLE (platonic) relationships that were exactly like his relationship with nagi.. that moment was very painful. in a good way. and again, i wanna look like him.
my relationship with mikoto is very hard to explain bc it's like. in theory, i'd love to learn more about him. i'd love to stan him. but also.. i'm not a fan of how the fandom pretty much makes his DID his only personality trait? maybe i'm just on the wrong side of the fandom, but i rarely see any posts about his other traits? again, i'd love to learn more bc i have a feeling that we have a lot in common, but. but yeah. i'm a huge fan of his minigram version though <3 so silly. so squishy. so funny. (honestly, me being salty that almost all convos about mikoto usually discuss his DID is so funny to me now that after three therapy sessions i've found out that i'm most likely a system SJHSJDKDLSL like bro THAT IS YOU) about "i would push them down the stairs" i mean it in a silly playful way :) like i want him to fall down and scream in a very cartoony and funny way.
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Revisiting New Vegas - Part Ⅰ
As a sort of reward for myself for getting through some bureaucratic bullshit, I've been replaying Fallout: New Vegas these last couple of days - maybe weeks at this point; I can't tell.
It's kind of the only game that makes me want to keep saying things like: "When I go old and senile, just put me in front of a computer that auto-runs this on boot, please." It really is just my favorite thing in the whole world to completely annihilate my day and compulsively ignore any biological needs with.
I also keep saying that I'll only ever play it once every decade or so: A) because I know what it will do to me, and B) because it will have been a long enough time to where things are probably staring to get fuzzy in the ol' memory department.
All that to say, this is my second kind-of-proper big playthrough, in which I know I've left a bunch of things unexplored the first time around. I don't even have a stipulation to do anything really different each time - just do whatever makes me happy, you know!
This time around, I am just stunned by the sheer size of the experience. I feel that whenever I played this around the time it released, I was mostly just some kid beelining it to the next main quest and getting things done whenever I found something along the way. Now, I've been essentially ignoring the main path and dipping my toes into the absolute shitload of faction side-quests that seemingly always existed in there, but I never found.
There are these weird new impressions forming in my head, since I'm not really committing to a choice of faction in the big picture kind of sense just yet, but I am walking around the ranks of the big players and helping them out of sheer self-interest. This has earned me a reputation of being a "Smiling Troublemaker", which is new to me in a mechanical sense and in a personal one. I've learned that being an absolute baby-faced, blue-eyed angel isn't the only way to approach the sliding scale of characters' opinions of you in this game. You can be good to them, but also take your cut whenever they seem to benefit from your services a bit more than what they paid for.
I like to think that even before engaging the big players on the map, I've already made a name for myself and established where my ideology sort of lies, so that by the time anything actually important to the plot happens, I will have some sort of in-universe reference from which to draw.
Some of the things I wanted to try out this time were learning how to play Caravan, checking out some of the more obscure unmarked quests, and getting all companions, while completing as many of their personal quests as possible.
I already know what you might be thinking. You want to learnt the thing no one ever bothers to learn; You want to learn Caravan? I felt like I had to do it, because I keep gushing about how much I like this game, yet I ignore massive chunks of it. That and I like retaining niche and relatively useless information for potential financial benefit. Turns out, you can make a lot of caps playing Caravan - especially if you get good at it like I did. First couple of games were obviously rough, but eventually I stacked the deck in my favor and robbed a merchant of all their money the moment I bought a bunch of stuff from them. I went on a 37 game streak after that. I still go back to the Mojave Outpost every once in a while when I'm strapped for cash. I play the lady at the bar for all she's got, repair my stuff back to full and then pickpocket most of that money back on my way out - life is good.
Anyway, this post is getting longer and longer - definitely more than I set out to write - and I'm getting a bit tired of typing at four in the morning. I'll continue this line of thought tomorrow.
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as the world caves in | ch. 9 | bucky barnes x reader
synopsis: You are a ghost story. A former Air Force pilot who had her plane shot down by Germany in 1945, but here you were in 2023, alive and frozen in your 25-year-old body.
You haven’t seen Bucky since the 1940’s, before his fall, before you went on a suicide mission only to come back alive. You aren’t sure reliving those memories – and being a living memory of everything the man has lost – is the best for him.
But you and Bucky won’t be apart for long.
This will loosely follow the plot of TFATWS - so spoilers ahead, specially regarding episode six (finale). Thread carefully!
masterlist | AO3
notes: thank you everyone for your patience with this chapter. I'm dropping this lil shortie so we can get the story moving. Let's go!
(warnings: lil' fluff, lil' angst) (word count: 3K)
nine: records
Bucky knocked on your door a few weeks later.
It was late, and you were snug in your pajamas, winding down after a long day. With your identity no longer a secret, the government was in the midst of transferring you to something more… hands-on, and definitely less diplomatic, you were assuming; so much for retirement, but you figured 30 years of it had been more time than you could’ve anticipated.
You almost didn’t hear the soft rapping on wood over Vera Lynn’s mellow singing.
When you finally opened it, you found him standing there, wearing tired eyes and a dark coat. “I’m sorry, I know it’s late, but I started walking and I—"
“When I said you’re welcome anytime, Bucky Barnes, I meant any time.”
A tiny fraction of a smile was offered your way, and you grasped it tight against your heart at the same time you do his hand, pulling him inside.
His fingers lingered on yours, but before you could start thinking about it he pulled away, taking a seat at the edge of your couch. “I finished it. The book.”
Bucky answered your question before you could ask it. “I just came from there. The last one– the last name.”
“Well. Are you alright?” You sat next to him, your knee knocking against his, and his gaze went from the floor, to the spot where your legs touched, and then to you. He knitted his eyebrows, seeming a little incredulous you were even asking.
“I will be.” His hands intertwined on the space between his knees, and you placed a hand ton his shoulder, getting him to look at you again.
“Yes, you will. Do you want to talk about it?”
One corner of Bucky’s lip raised up, and he shook his head. “Is that Vera Lynn?”
You smiled, turning to look at your record player as if Vera herself was sitting next to it. “It is. Takes me back, I guess.”
“It’s all we’d listen to at the front.”
Nodding, you wondered for a second if Bucky remembered dancing to We’ll Meet Again the night before he was shipped off. Even if you weren’t the only girl he had danced with then, you still asked yourself if that memory was burned on his mind as it was on yours.
We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when. A short-term promise, made back then by hopeful lovers, friends, family members; you had no idea that those lyrics would prove themselves so literal when you and Bucky mouthed them at each other in the middle of a dancefloor.
You let out a breathy chuckle, standing up and beckoning him to where you kept the rest of your vinyl. “Come on. Vera’s starting to feel a little too nostalgic to me.”
Your record collection was pretty extensive, ranging from things of the good ol’ days from the special editions that were still being released nowadays. Bucky joined you on the floor, and together you started to make your way through decades eternized in discs.
“Marvin Gaye.”
You look up from The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust, finding Bucky making a face at the album he was holding. “It’s really good. Do you want to—”
“No. No more Marvin Gaye.”
You furrowed your eyebrows. “You don’t like him?”
“I like Marvin Gaye! Jesus. Marvin is good—Marvin’s jus’ fine,” Bucky rubbed his eyes with his thumb and middle finger, and you finally understood.
“Sam’s been preaching you the word of R&B to you too, huh?”
You giggled at the tired look he gave you and silently took Trouble Man out of his hands, stuffing it back with the rest of the 1970’s.
Years ago, Bucky would be delighted to dive headfirst in the new – your trips to countless science fairs and expositions were enough proof of that – but looking at him now, knowing him as you were starting to once again, you figured that just a dip of the toes was more than enough.
You pulled Frank Sinatra from the 1950’s section.
“I know Sinatra.”
“Do you now?”
You put the record on your player, and Vera Lynn’s longing gave way to Sinatra’s swagger and jazz.
“Do you?” Bucky teased, frowning at the most recent items in your collection. As soon as Frank’s voice filled the silence, he nodded. “Yeah, that’s nice.”
“I do know him! Or did. Met ‘im in 1962.” You plopped next to Bucky, who was shaking his head. “What?”
“Show off.”
“No, just been around. Met people on the way. And, you asked.” Your smirk grew into a grin as Bucky mouthed your words back at you. Then his face fell for a second, and your amusement was quickly replaced by worry. “What is it?”
“Nothing, I guess – I guess I just missed a lot.” The same way one of the corners of his lips tug on his cheek again in his attempt of a smile, melancholy tugs at your heartstrings. “I missed out on everything. And I missed out on you.”
Bucky’s head was low as he spoke and you could see the tremble of his hands, even though he clutched one of your records tightly. Nina Simone, 1960’s.
“M’not going anywhere, you know.”
“You still lived an entire lifetime—”
“I did, yes, thank you for constantly reminding me that I’m over 100 years old.” You shook your head at him, sighing softly when he chuckled.
You couldn’t blame him, for clinging to every bit of past he’d missed while he was in HYDRA’s clutches – you knew that was inevitable, but you wished that such sorrow wasn’t so related to you.
“What are you doin’?” He asked as you summoned a small stool from the side of your shelf and stepped on it.
“I want to show you somethin’.” The thing you were looking for was stored at the very top: a heavy, brown leather suitcase that almost made you lose your balance when you pulled it from the spot it had been sitting in for—honestly, years, many of them.
The contents of the suitcase rattled as you climbed down and sat next to Bucky again. Sinatra still playing, telling his lover I've got you under my skin, I've got you, deep in the heart of me;
You almost laughed from the truth and irony of it.
I'd tried so, not to give in
I said to myself this affair never will go so well
You unlocked the suitcase, revealing the gathered memories inside. Pictures, movie tickets, theater playbooks, receipts, trinkets. All souvenirs of the 80 something years of your life Bucky hadn’t been there to see.
Not organized in the slightest, the keepsakes of your life were tossed together and out of order just as in your memory: photographs of you in uniform, and sometimes in party dresses; of when you bought your house; of the few times you had pets. Posing next to famous people and other important ones whose names weren’t as well known by the world.
As you and Bucky went through each of them, you added a story or an explanation, sometimes both, to fill him in on the details of your life events. He laughed at some, frowned at a lot, stared at you intently for all of them.
“Is this Berlin?”
You hummed, nodding. “1989. That party was great.”
“Party?” Bucky knitted his eyebrows in surprise.
“The city was unified, the wall was being taken down, and everyone was celebrating. I’ve never seen that many bottles of vodka in one place.” You laughed, taking a good look at yourself in the picture.
The 80’s were definitely not your best decade, looks wise. You had tried a perm the year before, and the poodle look was only then starting to dial down. The beginnings of a bruise were starting to creep on your left eye, from the mission you had completed just a few hours before.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been that drunk.”
Bucky’s surprise intensified, his eyes wide. “We can’t get drunk.”
“Yes we can.”
“No, no we can’t.”
“We can, in fact. It’s all a matter of quantity and, well, speed.” You giggled as Bucky’s mouth gaped more.
“And the hangover?”
“Horrible. Like getting shot on the forehead. Comes quickly, too.”
He grimaced, and with one last look – certainly to register your peculiar appearance on his mind – gently put the picture back inside the suitcase. A stack of papers seemed to call out to him and he picked it up, releasing them from the band that held them together carefully.
Postcards of the places you’ve been: a small note to James Barnes and Steve Rogers on the back of each one.
Bucky’s voice faltered. He let out an anguished little sound, probably something that was supposed to be an Oh, or a What, but had no strength to crawl up his throat.
You brought your knees to your chest as you waited for him.
“You—you wrote to us?”
“I did. You can keep those, they’re addressed to you.”
After all this time, you could barely remember the words you wrote in those postcards; all you knew was that some had longer messages, others a simple Wish you were here.
“After we met in Baltimore, I thought that— that you’d have moved on from us.”
From me.
As if that was possible.
“Well, I stopped writing by 2003, give or take. But really,” You sighed. “It’s hard to forget someone when you’ve always been expecting them to come back to you.”
Bucky flipped the postcard from Rome, read the writing and smiled wistfully at it. “And, I did.”
“You did. And staying away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but—”
“But you’re annoyingly stubborn.” His jaw tightened, then relaxed when he smirked. “I mean, I get it – If the roles were reversed, I’d leave you rebuild your life without me like a self-sacrificing idiot too.”
Alright. That was fair.
Shaking your head, you watched as he slipped the postcards in his pocket, an amused expression on his face.
“That was… a big mistake. Something a self-sacrificing idiot would do,” You screwed your eyes shut in shame, opening them when Bucky chuckled. “but now, I’m right here. And so are you.”
His stubble scratched the soft skin of your palm when you reached for him, and you continued. “We’re a little out of place in this century, that much is true, but if I’m being honest… I’m getting tired of yearning for the past, Buck.”
Good old times – sometimes really good, sometimes bad, every one of them old – tucked away in your heart like your records were tucked in neatly in their shelf, organized by year. As you went through the decades, your enhanced body eternizing you like marble, your heart seemingly stayed at that army camp overseas. Or maybe Sergeant Bucky Barnes had taken it with him, only for them to be frozen together, leaving you with an empty hole in your chest.
You lived your life longing for that missing piece, the one with blue eyes and the dashing smile and the skilled feet.
The one that in many other stories was the one that got away, the one who now believed he was somebody else, but had brought your heart back with him all the same.
The very heart that nearly leapt out of your chest when Bucky rested his forehead against yours.
You’ve never been this close – there isn’t an ounce of past in the gesture. His eyes being tightly closed kept him from seeing the surprise on your eyes and then how they fell to his lips for a millisecond. Then, those lips brushed against yours in a featherlike touch.
I would sacrifice anything, come what might
For the sake of having you near
He pried himself off you when you exhaled, as if your very breath had electrocuted him.
“M’sorry. I—I didn’t—” He said as you stared at the back of his neck, and the shock gives way to disappointment.
I didn’t mean to. Or maybe: I didn’t want to.
“That’s—it’s okay.” You clapped your hands on your knees, still feeling the prickle of his facial hair on them, and got up to change the music.
There was no doubt Bucky was touch starved, and that he probably craved the closeness that comes with a lover. He sought that for a fleeting second in Sam’s sister, and now in you. No point in dwelling on what it might have meant.
Right?
Looking at Bucky, his expression was overcast, furrowed eyebrows as he watched you from his spot on the floor. You offered him a gentle smile, and the crease on his forehead eased up slightly.
Right.
Don't you know little fool, you never can win
The record player made a scratching sound as you replaced Frank Sinatra with your go-to jazz compilation. Instrumental.
No lyrics.
There was one thing you’ve always been good at, regarding the infatuation with Bucky Barnes that has taken over your heart for almost a century now: locking the feelings away and stepping into the shoes of the best friend.
Besides, you’ve said it yourself: no more yearning for the past. Hopefully you and Bucky would be able to do that soon enough.
At that moment, however, you needed to feel the burn of whiskey down your throat and pretend it’ll heal the calcinating rejection spreading through your chest.
The guilt you found in Bucky’s eyes as he watched you sweep around your hardwood floors made you pour a glass for him.
He took it gratefully, frowning when you bottomed the whole thing up.
“There’s a lot in here.” He tapped the edge of the suitcase, skillfully steering the conversation in the direction of the more palatable, calm territory it was in before.
The sight of your autobiographical collection made you smile.
“An entire lifetime,” You said, fishing your dog tags from the bottom. “I suppose that’s where it started. Or at least, where thisstarted.”
Bucky took them reverentially, running his thumb over the imprint of your name and numbers.
He reached for his neck, producing from under his Henley the same type of metal chain he was holding in his hands. The fact that he still wore his like that sent a sharp blow to your lungs, almost knocking the air out of you.
His face softened, a smile so beautiful spreading across his lips, so much that your chest clenched in protest because it was simply not fair, how he still had you entirely.
He deposited both of your dog tags in your hands, and that’s when you saw it, and remembered it.
“Won’t we get in trouble for this?”
“Do you care?”
“Well…No.” You sighed, already resigned. And a little excited.
Bucky knew you well: it had been too long of being a good little soldier when all you were used to was the rush of being a hellion.
“And that is why, sugar, that I’m doing this with you, and not with Steve.”
The words made your heart soar, but you were sure to recapture it before it could fly away too high, still too attached to the sensation of the take-off to clip its wings.
You liked flying.
“And because Steve hasn’t been successful in his enlisting efforts. Yet.”
Bucky looked at you from behind his eyebrows, a reprimand hiding in his eyes, but he decided to shove his uniform hat on your head instead. You grumbled, calling him a jerk under your breath.
It was the night before Bucky was drafted to England. He looked handsome in his uniform, a shining, polished star, brighter than the sun even under the dim streetlight you two stood under.
After bringing his and Steve’s dates home (yours was lost to another boxing match along the way – not that you were crying about that) Bucky had decided he was going to stay up all night, because, in his words, he could sleep when the war was over. Or, more realistically, in the ship on the way to England.
So there you two were, illuminated by street lamps and moonlight, visiting the façades and front windows of your favorite places in Brooklyn like drifters in the night.
Bucky still concentrated on his task, his shoulder hunched slightly to block your sight.
“Let me see! Bucky!”
“ ’Sposed to be a surprise! I’m almost done.”
You huffed, crossing your arms. “It’s not like I haven’t seen ‘em before.”
“You gotta be more patient. Here.”
He dropped your dog tags on your hand. You displayed the small steel plates on your palm, scanning your eyes over the two. One of them, of course, had your name, number, blood type, next of kin – an aunt you’ve never met – and address.
The other had Bucky’s.
James B Barnes. 32557038.
He slipped his own chain over his head, the plate with your name clinking against his.
You brought the tips of your fingers to your lips, feeling a smile begin to form onto them.
“I forgot we did this. I haven’t looked at these in so long.”
You had stopped wearing your dog tags the day the war had ended – Bucky was gone then, Steve too, and the weight of his dog tags slamming against your chest was too much to bear – your heart was already heavy with its own engraving of their memories.
“Steve had a lecture prepared when he gave mine back.” Bucky chuckled when you looked up at him, incredulous.
You shook your head, half exasperated and half amused. “Good grief, Steve.”
“Y’know how he is. Was,” He trailed, lips twitching as they formed a thin line.
You reached for him, your hand hovering in the space between you for a second before Bucky took it, lacing your fingers. Scooting closer, you let your cheek rest on his shoulder.
“He’d be glad we’re reunited.” You said, raising your head to peek at him and the newfound upwards curl of his lip. “And mortified we’re still bickering.”
Bucky smiled and squeezed your hand. “Old people. Old habits.”
Laughter bubbled out of your chest, and you realized a few things.
In that moment, it didn’t matter – the heartache, the unrequited side of your love. It was just a fact, a fact of life, of your life, that you a lot of the times loved him as more than your best friend. You loved him. And that was the core of it, the most important fact.
And you knew he loved you – you had each other – in this big, ever-changing, modern world, you had Bucky and Bucky had you.
You sat in comfortable, familiar silence until your eyelids grew heavy and you felt yourself drifting in and out of consciousness.
“You dozin’ on me, sugar?”
“It’s been a long day.” You said with your eyes still closed, feeling him chuckle beside you.
“Tell me about it. I can go—”
“You know damn well you should stay.” You patted his arm and hoisted yourself up from the floor. “I’ll get the pull-up ready for you.”
As you sauntered towards the office, ignoring his pleads and protests that he’s got it, he doesn’t need sheets or anything, you put your dog tags back on.
They jingled lightly against your heart.
Maybe you didn’t have to leave all of the past behind to start building something good and new, after all.
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RP meme from Scream Queens Ep 4 "Haunted House" (Note: Offensive content, use at own discretion)
A girl died in this tub.
There's no record of any of these names except for one.
Oh, my god, there's two of them!
I own Halloween. It's my jam.
Halloween is the most important day of the year. It's the one day on the Gregorian calendar where you're allowed to go around terrifying children and not be branded a psychopath.
I am a future network news anchor who's super classy and has almost no fat on her body.
A lot of my fans are, like, friendless dumpy coeds at this or that nursing school in one of this country's various national armpits.
They put down their hot pockets and bask in the warm glow of what it feels like to love me.
I went shopping with my comatose grandmother's credit card and bought presents.
Oh, my god, it says my name!
I hope the severed leg brightens up your trailer park.
You're a bright light in my life, and I wanted you to know how much you impress me with your frumpy spirit.
You are so devastatingly mediocre and adorable!
I can't wait to see you in person, but before that, I'd like to see you post this all over social media, to exploit it for my own gain.
Aah! It's a rotting jack-o'-lantern!
Aah! This box is just filled with blood!
She got me a razor apple!
I stole this cadaver head from an ophthalmology student just for you.
You're the most important person in the world.
So you didn't see anyone in a red devil costume entering or leaving the house?
Are you coming to the precinct pig roast this year?
Come on, she's obviously the killer!
Do you mean to suggest I changed out of my nightgown, strapped myself into a skintight pleather red devil costume, climbed out a second-story dormer, and shimmied to the ground with a chain saw before entering a window I had left open, tried to kill you, then leapt out the window, climbed back up the wall, changed back into my nightgown,
and raced downstairs, all in the course of about 90 seconds?
Clearly that's got you a little freaked out.
I'm not gonna hold any of this against you, and I'm gonna let you be my date for the faculty Halloween party.
Attempted murder!
A guy was almost killed tonight, okay?
Now, no, I'm not a detective, hell, I ain't even a cop, but what I am is somebody who watched every one of those Cosby mysteries, okay?
See? Dismemberment!
I am so sorry that I pushed you out of my car and drove off real scared.
I just can't believe that How To Lose A Guy In 10 days is your favorite movie, too.
In precisely two and half minutes when we go in there, you let me do all the talking.
What are you dressed as?
Oh, you have a squirrel. Don't see that much anymore.
Breakfast is almost ready, we got meat today.
What can you tell us about that night?
Now, we will keep your name out of it, of course.
'm a vault,
And to get in this vault you need a key. Now, you may ask, a key to what? It's a key to meaning. Once you've found the meaning, you don't need the words. You know what I'm saying?
Please, continue with your story.
Have any of you ever heard of "negligent homicide"?
We need to dispose of this body on our own. Now, I've got everything we need in the kitchen to make sausages out of her.
I'm gonna go downstairs, shut this party down, and then we'll get the body out of here.
Somebody has to watch after the baby.
Can you at least turn on the radio?
Just leave the details to me.
We can't just act like this never happened.
She's the devil, that one.
I looked at that baby up close. I know my peas and carrots. That baby was a girl.
Your support doesn't matter.
My campaign needs a theme?
My pumpkin's drunk.
I'm hosting a haunted house to raise money for sickle cell anemia.
Why are you holding a fund-raiser, though?
I don't think you understand the magnitude of the miscalculation you just made.
I can assure you you will not be winning an election anytime soon. And when you lose, I am gonna make it my lifelong passion to destroy your reputation.
You're a stuck-up little sociopath, and everybody in this room knows it.
It might behoove you to recall that everyone here witnessed you actually murder someone
Just sharpening knives.
Put the knives down.
I don't know what came over me.
How very adolescent of you to think of this.
It vaguely smacks of something my six-year-old sister would be excited about.
It's the most disgusting disease in the history of mankind.
You get it when you don't even understand the most basic tenets of oral hygiene.
Just give the dang thing its pot of gold already!
I ain't got no candy!
Bet you're a sexy dirt-covered girl. That's what I bet you are.
Sometimes I come out here and I just rub my hands on the gravestones.
I get you more than anyone.
I also find the thought of dead bodies extremely arousing.
I just don't understand why I have all these dark feelings.
You know, I just think our generation's had it too easy, you know? We haven't seen enough horrible stuff. There's no awesome diseases randomly killing people. There's not really any awesome wars to go off to and witness horrific things you can't unsee. We, like, pulled out of all of 'em.
Sometimes I just don't even feel like I'm living, you know?
The only time I feel anything is when I'm thinking about chopping up a body.
And here you are, saddled up with an uptight girlfriend who freaked out for no other reason than the fact that you just wanted to fantasize about having sex with her lifeless corpse.
Oh, my god, I got a total chub right now.
Not scary enough.
She'll let you in the back door.
What could be scarier for an adult than a child coming to murder them?
Isn't that all of our greatest fear? That the pain, the regrets, the mistakes of our youth will destroy us in our adulthood? That we can't escape our inner child. One we would rather forget, but who, at the end of the day has all the power.
Why are you lying to me?
Something does not make sense.
You got to give me more here, okay?
I don't understand what you're getting at.
Are you on bath salts?
Why are we even here?
This house is haunted.
There's a legend in this neighborhood about a woman who wailed about her dead children. And this was the house she lived in.
These dumb ol' kids are smoking crack.
I think it's incredible what you can find out with just a quick trip down to your local library.
This can be one of the rooms for the haunted house.
What exactly do you plan on doing at this haunted house?
I was thinking we could blindfold folks and make 'em put their hands in a bowl full of grapes we peeled, so it'll feel like eyeballs.
I think the reason you want to have a haunted house party is 'cause a haunted party is like a buffet for murderers.
Yeah, yeah, you can just go around killing anybody you want and ain't nobody even gonna even notice.
Just like you chopped the arms off that dumb-ass golf guy.
Why do you have it out for me?
So now you look at me and see everything you could've been.
I hope you have a good time at you haunted party and get to murder lots of folks.
You have this way too thought out.
Isn't this kind of nice?
My sense of personal identity is completely external.
I really don't have much to offer.
I've found that my particular style of speaking and gesticulation is extremely off-putting to most boys. And girls. And anyone.
I need to eat. My blood sugar is crashing.
I'm tired of depriving myself of joy and sustenance.
I may die at the end of a serial killer's blade, but I refuse to die hungry.
Which one of you ladies would like to be my costume for Halloween? I'm going as "dude having awesome sex with you."
I mean, what in the hell's wrong with the world where a guy can't even whistle at a chick just to tell her she looks hot?
I recently took a women's studies class. Yes, because it was a requirement, but I learned a lot anyways. Like the culture that says it's okay for a man to objectify a woman for her appearance is the same culture that pressures girls as young as ten to have eating disorders.
So you're basically saying I'm the one responsible for making you look hot?
When you treat us like meat, you're no better than him!
I'm not really sure how you got my number, but I like how you took the initiative and texted me where you wanted us to meet.
Do you think you're man enough to take me inside that house and attack my crack?
I'll sure this house has an amazingly romantic basement.
Hey, so, uh, a little awkward since we're about to bone down and everything, but, um, what's your name?
Smells like roadkill.
I've never been so scared in my whole life.
All right, if we go to the police, they're gonna see I'm still rocking a mad sidepipe, and they're gonna think I had something to do with it.
We have to warn people.
All right, everybody listen up! All of your lives are in danger!
There are dead bodies! Dead bodies. Real-life dead bodies.
Did you say dead bodies?
Those are like the most lifelike dead bodies I've ever seen.
Is that a real dead body?
There are five dead bodies in that house. Laid out in horrible and deliberate macabre poses.
You are not leaving this house tonight.
You make it harder and harder to believe that you're not the killer.
I found out something really interesting, and now I have a theory.
Everything is weird about that story.
I mean, it's too big a coincidence.
We have to figure out who that woman was.
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short story
Year: 1989
Patient Name: Chelsea, dawn, carter
Patient age: 17
It was nearing the end of the year 1988 and I still haven't done it, I've been thinking and
thinking about how to do it. Sometimes I think a little too much. It's almost like the thought is too much for me to handle. I don't even know if she'll still be my friend. Her name is Victoria Chase, she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. She's smart, funny, kind and overall a really good
person. Most people think that she'd never love me back but I was still going to try. I couldn't sleep, I'm thinking of her too much, it's to the point where it's unhealthy to even
think of her. I have to find a way to tell her but how.
I got ready, put my jacket on , and headed to the door. As I make my way outside I notice something shining, a piece of glass. I always love living in Big Bear, and when it snows, It gives me some sort of security. I got in my car and started the engine. I don't know why but this whole morning I've been reminded of my surroundings, maybe today is the day I do it, maybe. On my drive to school, I notice so many things. the way the trees move, how the snow slowly makes its way to the ground and rooftops of the houses, It's beautiful. As I pull up to the the school I take a moment to breathe in…. And out, I sat in that car for what feels like hours. I am struggling to open the door, it’s like I’m scared and don’t know what to do.
When I finally muster up enough strength to open the door it’s like I’m starting something like I just broke a barrier. I never really liked Big Bear High School. I had a lot of bad memories ¨ Guess who.¨ I turned around thankfully just to see my friend Nicole. ¨Hey what's up.¨ I was glad to see her she was always a good friend ¨Nothing just waiting for you, so is today the day?¨ I took a deep breath ¨I’m not sure but today feels good.¨ ¨ Hey, 365 times the charm.¨ When I walk into class I can see her, Victoria. I know this is just going to be another long day.
“Excuse Me,¨ I turn around to see Victoria trying to get the teacher's attention. ¨I just wanted to say that I'm going to be moving soon.¨ My heart stops. ¨ Where will you be going? ¨Washington state.¨ Washington, no she can't be. ¨When are you leaving?¨ ¨ Tomorrow morning, so this is my last day¨ No if she leaves then I won't be able to tell her. I have to wait for the end of the day. I wait for hours, class by class until the time finally comes. The end of the day is here, I follow her to the buses and tap on her shoulder. ¨Oh hey, Chelsea came to say goodbye.¨ I took a deep breath. ¨ Actually I came to tell you something before you left¨ my heart dropped and the world slowed down. I opened my mouth but the words wouldn't come out. ¨sh, it's ok, I know what you wanted to say.¨ she put her finger on my lips. ¨You do.¨ I was scared ¨I do, you're not good at keeping secrets , Carter.¨ I could breathe again and the world moved a little quicker. ¨
Wait if you know then why didn't you tell me?¨ Because I was scared, and I was hoping you could do it but what the hell, why not.¨ I started to think and as always that's not a good thing ¨I wish I didn't wait so long, I’m sorry.¨ ¨Don't be,¨ I looked her in the eyes ¨The day isn't over yet.¨ She put her hand on my face. ¨What are you doing?¨ ¨something I'll never get the chance to do again.¨ We locked eyes and leaned in and kissed. At that moment it was like my life purpose was fulfilled. I didn't want to leave. I knew it was a couple of seconds but it felt like a lifetime. ¨hey you want to come over sense it's my last day, my parents are still at work.¨ I stuttered ¨ye-yes I'd love to.¨ I grab my things off the floor not knowing that I dropped them. We both got on the bus that goes to her house the whole time we just spent time together. When we got to the house we spent more time together. When the day was over I found myself lying in her bed falling asleep.
¨That was the best day of my life.¨ I whispered in her ear. ¨you obviously have never been to Disneyland. ¨she giggled. ¨you know I almost forgot that you have to leave tomorrow… oh shit I also forgot my car!¨ I got up and grabbed my stuff frantically. As I panicked she got up and grabbed my arm. ¨hey you could just get it in the morning.¨ I don't know what it is but she can calm me down. ¨in the meantime just lay down with me.¨ I got back to bed. ¨yeah your right.¨ In my entire life, I never knew what parts of my life were significant. But tonight I knew that this moment was significant. The next morning I woke up and went to get my car. The air was still and cold. I could even see my own breath halfway down the street. When I got to the parking lot I got a call from Victoria.
“Hey Chelsea, where are you? I woke up and you were gone.” I giggled. “I'm fine, I just
went to get my car and I didn't want to wake you up.” “ Oh Thank god, when you get your car call me and meet me at Denny's.” ï pulsed. “Ok, I'll meet you there then.” I was too distracted by my car. I forgot to tell her that I was leaving. I know that I never like to get too personal with a lot of people. My closest friend is Nicole but sometimes I'm not completely honest with her either. Once I found my car I called veronica and told her I was on my way and got in. When I started the car I took a moment to breathe. I felt sad. Which I thought was weird. I got what I wanted . I spent an ole day with veronica. But I felt empty. Once I got to the diner and saw her I suppressed all my thoughts and put on a happy face.
I was nervous but I didn't know why maybe because I know she's leaving and I won't see her again. I don't know why but I didn't want to see her. Maybe a part of me thought of last night as one-Nightstand . I know it wasn't but I don't know. “Hey!” she looked so happy to see me, it gave me some sort of screens. “hey what's up.” “nothing I just thought I'm not gone yet so why not.” I felt bad that I'm not as excited as her. “Hey, I'm sorry , I'm not the most energetic person in the mornings.” she looks at me like I was dumb. “It's not a big deal ok you're fine the way you are
energetic or not, I love you.” “I know it's just weird you're my first actual “girlfriend” and I can't
call you that because you're leaving.” I felt stupid. “Hey it's ok just be glad you're here with me now.” she wrapped her arms around me.
“I know but if I wasn't so scared we could have been something, good things come to those who wait, my ass.” she giggled. “So what time are you going?” she stopped to think. “I don't know, I'll ask my mom,” I remember when I had to ask my mom to do things, now she just doesn't care anymore. “She said that we're leaving at nine.” “oh ok.” “so I guess this is goodbye.?” I didn't want her to leave. “Sadly it is.” she looked at me with a tear in her eye. “Well goodbye.”
“I don't like goodbyes, so see you later.” she giggled. “Yeah see you around.” she smiled and left
the diner. That was the last time I'd see her. The rest of the day flowed like it had no meaning.
The next day was like��� all the others before, slow and without meaning. “Hey!” I turned to
see my friend Nicole.
“hey.” I was so tired. “I know you don't like to go out but you look like you
need to so I'm inviting you to a little get-together at my friend's house.” I took a deep breath. “Are
you inviting me to a party?” she paused “uh yeah, but it's not a big one it's just me and my
friends… and their friends and their friends .'' I sighed in frustration but she's my friend,
so. “Fine I'll go but don't expect me to make many new friends.” her face lit up with excitement and she giggled. “Really oh my god you're not going to regret it.” “I have a funny feeling that I might. That night I got ready hoping it wouldn't be a bad night. I had my doubts but I don't want
to be rude. She's a good person and is the only other girl that wants to be my friend. Once
I was done getting ready I got a call from her. “Hey!” she sounded excited. “I was wondering if I could pick you up instead of you driving.” “Why?” her voice went from excited to nervous fast. “Well we haven't been hanging out lately and I just wanted to do something nice.” I hesitated. “Um sure, I don't see why not.” “ cool,,, I'll there in a jiff!” She hung up the phone and five minutes later she showed up at my house in a denim jacket and some jeans. I always loved her style. My clothes consisted of flannel and skinny jeans. “Hey! Ready to go.” she looked nervous. “Yeah, I'm ready.” When we got to the party I immediately hated it. There were so many people there and I didn't do well with them.
“Alright, we're here.” I felt scared. “I have a feeling I'm going to hate this.” “oh come on just stick next to me.” she grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the car. As we made our way to the door hand in hand I noticed people were watching. Everyone knew which gender I preferred to be with and they were not okay with that. There was one person , Nightstands . And she is sitting five feet away from where I was walking. But weirdly enough she wasn't the first to say anything. “Oh my god! I can't believe it.” oh shit. “oh hey Mathew.” Mathew was Nicole's boyfriend until she decided to not date an asshole anymore. “Did you leave me so you can be a queer with Chelsea?” “No, I left you because I don't want to be the bitch that's dating the biggest asshole in town.” “yeah right, your ng Chelsea aren't you-” “Hey! Back off or else I'm kicking you out , Mathew.”
It was Nicole's friend who threw the party. “fine but keeps those fags away from me.” “hey keep it up I want to kick you out.” her friend walked up to us. “Hey, I'm sorry about that guys.” I felt terrible. “No, I'm sorry he wouldn't have done that if I wasn't here.” Nicole looked at me like I was stupid. “Hey shut up, it's not your fault he's an idiot, come on let's get something to drink.” The rest of the night was fun. I had a great time with my friend. We danced and even played some beer pong. I didn't expect it but after we had that little run-in with Matthew it'd be a quiet night and by quiet I mean we drank until we saw someone puke.
It was fun and the next day was still pretty boring but I at least had my friend there to keep me from being sad. During lunch, we all sat at a table and talked about last night and how crazy it was. “What about you Chelsea, what did you think about last night?” “It was fun.” they all looked at me. “That's it, it was fun!?” “um… yeah what do you want me to say.” I laughed. “Well something more interesting than it was fun, I mean did you hook up with anyone.” I looked at him with a straight face. “Do you see any more gays here?” “oh yeah well then what did you do?”
“I just hung out with Nicole the whole time.” there was silence at the table after I gave my response to the group then Nicole started to open her mouth. “All we did was have some fun and get wasted, nothing super interesting.”Alex just rolled his eyes over the boring response that Nicole said “what about the whole Mathew thing.” I looked down at my hands and started to play with my fingers to try to ignore the question. “It was nothing just him being an asshole again.” as I was looking down I noticed a new voice enter the conversation.
“What's going on queers.” It was Cassidy, which is the worst person in my opinion. “Hey, dick magnate.” I was surprised at the comeback that Nicole came up with. “I just wanted to tell you that I heard about the whole issue with Matthew and that everyone will know about you two.” I felt my heart sink into my stomach. “Hey bitch if I wanted to talk to a slut I would go to your mom's house.” “yeah fuck off bitch.” I was surprised at how defensive my friends were over me but I guess that's what friends are for. “Hey sorry about that.” “hey it's fine, I don’t mind being called queer for a couple of days ok, besides she's a bitch and no one will believe her.” I smiled at Nicole.
After school I when I got home I arrived to see my mom on the couch passed out with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. To get away from her I called Nicole and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk or something. “Hey, Nicole what's going on.” “nothing what’s up.” I stopped to take a breath. “I was just wondering if you wanted to go for a walk.” “sure I’m not doing anything.” “cool see you at the lake.” I got dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and a warm fuzzy jacket and quietly and quickly went out the door trying to not wake my mom and went to the lake. On my way there I noticed some jokes were going around town on a joyride. Once I showed up at the lake I told her about the jocks.
I have not finished and I would appreciate constructive criticism
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Character Interview—Garrett Hawke
(commissioned artwork by the talented @laugandraws !) tagged by my lovely friend @curiousthimble ❤️
'Why am I doing this again?' Hawke asks, pushing the last of the cupcakes into the oven and setting the timer.
Fenris swivels in the Thinking Stool, clipboard and pen at the ready. 'Because we're getting to know our patrons, and I tire of talking to strangers,' the Librarian tells the man, adjusting his glasses.
~~
name; Garrett Nicholas Hawke. ['Your middle name is Nicholas?'] I know, it's dreadful. I blame Mother. [*laughs*]
are you single; I uh—well. No? No. I... am? It's complicated. You know it is.
are you happy; ... Yes, I suppose I am. A lot's happened in my life—you know that—but I wouldn't change it for the world. Where I am now, I am happy.
are your parents—['We'll skip this one, Hawke.']
NINE FACTS
birthplace; Lothering. Good ol' smelly Lothering. There were fields everywhere. It was the best. Marian and I would run up hills and roll all the way down until the sun set. Sometimes I wish we could go back.
hair colour; Black—or as Marian likes to call it, Raven-coloured.
eye colour; Seafoam blue—again, Marian likes to coin these descriptions. She's the one who's better at words after all.
birthday; [*Fenris writes this down himself*]
mood; Tired. I've just gone through a whole day of baking—plus I need to wash everything but I'm being held captive in my own studio doing this interview. [*Sighs* 'I will help with the clean-up']
gender; Male. My beard gives it away, huh? ['There are women who have beards, Hawke. And they are proud of the asset too.'] The next time you see them, call me. I'd like to know what secrets their beards hold!
summer or winter; Winter for sure. Kirkwall never gets any snow. Which is why our parents always brought us to Nothern Orlais for the winter holidays.
morning or afternoon; Afternoon. ['Oh? I was under the impression that you were a morning person'] ... Yeah. Past tense. I used to like mornings when we—never mind. Afternoons keep me busy for the most part, and I appreciate that. ['...']
EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
'Wait what does this have to do with the survey?' Hawke finishes folding his dirty apron and sets it on the counter behind him.
Fenris shrugs, mindlessly spinning his pen. 'Head Librarian needed these stats for purposes she did not wish to reveal to me. You can see why I hesitate interviewing strangers.'
'Fair point.'
are you in love; ... ['You do not need to answer if you do not wish—] Yes. ['... Oh.']
do you believe in love at first sight; Yes. It happened to Lavellan. And Bethy. And Marian and Anders. So yes, I do believe in it. Next question.
who ended your last relationship; I don’t have to answer this one. [*Fenris nods*]
have you ever broken someone's heart; Yes. Bethany's when I broke that serial killer's face. She—fuck. You should've seen her face, Fenris. ['I can only imagine, Hawke. I am sorry that your family had to go through something so difficult.'] I’m pretty sure the Hawke name is cursed. Thank you, though. For checking up on me during those weeks. I don't think I ever thanked you for that. ['Always a pleasure, Hawke.']
are you afraid of commitments; I... used to not be. Now I think I am.
have you hugged someone within the last week; Siobhan. She put her paw on my face after that. Then I realised that she had just used the litterbox.
have you ever had a secret admirer; Ha! Never. ['I beg to differ,' Fenris replies in a whisper]
'...'
'What's wrong?'
Fenris’ expression hardens and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. 'I do not know if you wish to answer this one.'
Hawke folds his arms across his chest. 'Fenris, I've already answered some that I don't want to.'
have you ever had your heart broken; Yes. Of course, many times. I’m an empath after all. When my parents were murdered. When Wynne passed. When Marian and Anders broke up—because I felt her heart break like it was my own. When I found out Aveline had cancer. When I realised that Bethy had been suffering alone. When you—well. I'll just leave it at that.
SIX CHOICES
love or lust; I used to think it was love, but now I think lust is easier. Neither, maybe.
lemonade or iced tea; Lemonade. Tea isn't supposed to have ice in it. I don't know what those hipster Orlesians were thinking. ['Agreed']
cats or dogs; If you ever tell Marian, I'll know because I'll probably have my tea poisoned. Dogs. ['I will make certain that your body is rushed to the morgue for autopsy ASAP so that they can track the culprit'] Gee, you're a such a good friend, Fenris.
a few best friends or many regular friends; The many. Unlike Marian, I don't like being alone. People make me happy. Plus, I get to bribe my way into their lives with all these sweets. ['You are already likeable by nature. No bribery is required, Hawke, I can assure you that.'] I—thank you.
wild night out or romantic night in; Disney, and lots of snacks ['Disney and a lot of snacks indeed.']
day or night; Day. Again, work keeps me busy.
FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS
been caught sneaking out; No. That's Marian you're referring to.
fallen down/up the stairs; ['I know the answer to this one.'] If you write that down Fenris I swear I will place all the books in the library in the wrong shelves. ['Then you will simply have to answer to the Head Librarian'] ... Shit.
wanted something/someone so badly it hurt; Yes. It still hurts, if I'm being honest.
wanted to disappear; No. I guess I've never thought about that because I've conditioned myself to not have such irresponsible thoughts. If I disappeared, who will take care of my family?
FOUR PREFERENCES
smile or eyes; Eyes. People can lie through their smiles. You can't do that with your eyes.
shorter or taller; Shorter. I like reaching for things for them. It makes me feel useful.
intelligence or attraction; Intelligence. I never went to school, and I'm always amazed at what people know. It attracts me enough that they're willing to teach me, or share their knowledge instead of belittling me.
hook-up or relationship; Next question.
FAMILY
do you and your family get along; Both yes and no. We stab each other in the thigh but we kiss the wound to make it go away, too.
would you say you have a messed up life; 100%
have you ever ran away from home; Yes. ['You have?'] I got as far as the library. Wynne found me—knees scraped, snot-nosed and everything.
have you ever gotten kicked out; Again, Marian.
FRIENDS
do you secretly hate one of your friends; Well, I don't hate her... ['A hint of dislike, then?'] Yeah, you know who I'm referring to. ['I do. Is it... just her?'] Well, who else would there be? ['I thought—never mind. Forget I said anything.']
do you consider all of your friends to be good friends; Most of them, yes. Some are trying to be better, and I appreciate them for that.
who is your best friend; Lavellan. She's been part of a huge chunk of my life—for most of the important stuff, and while she may not be physically here majority of that time, she's here when it matters the most.
who knows everything about you; My sister—Marian—naturally. Lavellan, of course. Aveline because she has this supernatural big-sister-sense and... you. ['Me?'] Sometimes you know things about me that I don't even realise. And you were always so sure about me, too.
'Present tense. Always present tense, Hawke,' Fenris corrects him.
'Even after everything?' He asks quietly, somewhat afraid of the answer.
They make eye contact. 'Of course,’ he replies, then looks away as if hurt by his own answer.
Hawke sighs. The weight in his heart doesn't match the thoughts in his head. 'You can still use it, you know. My name.'
'I did not want to overstep—'
'You're family, after all,' Hawke interrupts, reassuring him. And as the words leave him, the clutter of thoughts start to clear. He watches as Fenris' shoulders relax, and he feels the stiffness in the air dissipate. There's a small smile on Fenris' lips, mirrored instinctively by his own.
'Thank you, Garrett,' he utters the name after so long, and the weight in Hawke's heart escapes him in a flutter.
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so I've been thinking about making/writing a big ol/ P5 AU (aka a fix-it fic because P5 infuriates me) and I was wondering; what are some changes you say would have to be made in order to improve P5?
Can do my dude, under the cut for length. 8U
So ngl I’m personally trying to do one myself too, I can give you a few ideas. I should tell you, I personally am just......trashing a lot of what happened in P5, and just using it’s setting to explore other ideas. I’m 1) choosing topics that weren’t in the original that I think would fit well, and 2) expanding on some things they talked about, and revolving my plot and characters in a way that the story can work with those two things (rather than......trying to force a square into a circle, I’m just going to shave off the sides to make it a circle and make it work). Doesn’t mean my fix it AU fic is what should’ve happened tho, just.....it’s made in a way that I want to work with things so I have to change a lot. Which makes it very AU than fix it but elkasfjls;jfad yeah
But I’m not one to judge on how much you wanna change, just that if you wanna change a lot, this is coming from someone who is changing....A LOT! XD
First thing I think you should always consider is tackling the Metaverse’s ground rules, REALLY establish them (that’s what I’m doing, I’m not changing/taking away a whole lot but I’m clarifying what can and can’t happen and tbh just adding to it). These rule are up to you, but make them clear, and establish them. P5 really suffers from pretending to establish rules but then........breaking said rules without a care or explanation. Like this is probably it’s BIGGEST problem P5 has because it’s story HINGES on these rules for it’s plot to work. Here’s three examples of things that were broken constantly or just....aren’t explained well:
Boss Wakaba not changing nor disappearing once Futaba realizes her mom was good (thus no need for the boss). Even tho we saw, in real time, Madarame’s cognition changing over a gd door. So explain how cognition worksAccidentally pulling people in, we dunno what causes some to be pulled in instead of other’s (other than plot convenience).If a Persona can be touched/ridden on/ridden in.....utilize that, or make it so that they CAN’T utilize that. A lot of P5′s puzzles/road blocks could be bypassed with just “hey lemme try something-oh cool that works.” (Yusuke/Makoto, and probably Futaba wouldn’t have joined the team if they just did that, Haru is needed for a bio scan, but hey they could at least TRY ramming their Personas into the door 8U)Heart changing, explain how it really changes a person, why is Futaba considered having her heart stolen despite IT NOT BEING GD STOLEN, or how (like that 5 hour vid suggested) why Yuuki and Sae kinda act like they had a change of heart and how come one still has their palace despite that possible change of heart.... (if you go that route, you can maybe explain the difference in behavior of those two vs actual people having their desires ripped away).
(side rant, one thing that still bugs me is that Sae has an alarm meter, but like.....She’s like a P4 shadow, she KNOWS you’re their, she even MEETS YOU at times! So like??????? Why have the meter?! She’s screwing you over all the damn time!!!! And she can only do that if she’s aware you’re there and know where you are! ANd she does! JUst????? I dunno make sense of that, maybe just explain there’s no meter?)
The next big issue is character consistency (first world building consistency, now Character consistency, tbh plot consistency is pretty bad too.....consistency is not in P5′s dictionary tbh). Everyone’s acting OOC everywhere, Anne’s biggest asset is somehow a flaw in her own CoOp (aka can read people and is very attuned to not saying the wrong thing), Ryuji isn’t a perv in HIS CoOp nor the first dungeon and is pretty level headed but after that???? nope, Futaba constantly talks about how it’s the TEAM that helped her and still help her but in her CoOp she only talks about how the MC is who helped her and can only do things cause of him and leave the house cause of him (despite the fact after she said that Yusuke went to her house the next day and got in in the main story >.>). Make the characters consistent, give them more flaws too tbh but as long as everything is the same and is foreshadowed well.
So those are the two biggest flaws in P5 that you might want to focus on fixing, how you do it is up to you! I’d also keep in mind to make sure that if the team needs to change cognition, make sure it’s for a good reason. Madarame’s door is a good reason, until you realize the stupid place has open windows and they can easily get to said open windows. Or Sae’s dungeon, her blockade is REALLY FREAKING STUPID cause it’s a public place and should already be open and JFSDKLJFLK;JASFD JUST ANYTHING ELSE! Have the team work smarter not harder, if they are doing the opposite it can be....frustrating.
Now the next stuff is up to you. Personally the first thing I do next is cut the team down to size (once Mako/Futaba/Haru were announced I started sweating and really felt like they should’ve kept it to 5ish). Too many characters to juggle on the team, who you choose is up to you if you want to do that. Think Yuki, Hifumi, or Sae should’ve been a thief? YOU DO THAT! Personally my fix-it one I’m doing MC/Anne/Ryu/Mona/Haru, but that’s because the story is based around their strengths and weaknesses (Yusuke and Futaba are important side characters/Coops tho, Makoto is a secret), there’s not need for a “smart person” because they all just work as a team, there’s no need for Yusuke’s art skills, and hacking isn’t going to appear in my fic (you can still do it, but my god the way P5 does it is horrible and OP and just.....why bother doing anything if Futaba can just wave her hacking wand? so unless you have a way to nerf it then go for it....but you’ll probs have to explain her “hacking cognition” bs cause.....why? just....why?). I tend to stick with the OG4 because they are solid and can fill a useful role that’s seen in other Phantom thief works (and can fit into P5, again I don’t think Yusuke’s artist eye is....useful), I chose Haru for reasons I won’t go into (but her personality is going to be different, this isn’t the reason, but I did need a personality change).
But like I said, it can be anyone you want! Don’t like Anne or Ryuji or Mona (well you might need Mona, but you can re-write him!), then kick them! Or keep everyone doesn’t matter to me akldfjs;lajf XD
If you want to keep all the characters.......I dunno. I don’t know where to start with Futaba, you can probably go a few different ways, but if you want to be more realistic, she’d probs still have issues for a few months (you don’t just get better after like a week XP) but that could make it hard for her to do anything for the team. Yusuke you’d have to make more relevant, you can make him the more level headed one (and you can remove Makoto via doing that). Makoto.....give her humility? I dunno, I wrote something on how to fix her arc (you can use it cause I’m not) but flksdafafafan I’d just boot her too personally XP (I guess character wise I’d actually make her smart, not point out obvious stuff in an attempt to appear smart, and ACTUALLY BE AN ACTION GIRL cause she ain’t shit when it comes to that either) I’d add more faults to Anne and Haru (love my girls, but first thing I did was add more issue to them), Ryuji make him consistent first then figure out what you want (I’d say keep him and Mona fighting the same, but make it more organic, with a good make up at the end). I’d also have Haru show up.
I’d also personally change Anne’s CoOp. I remember researching on Hafus well before P5 came out, and iirc I remember one hafu model lamenting on how everyone thinks they are pretty this and that and then talking bad behind their back, and then also how Hafus are kind of a commodity in Japan (aka they model and people think they are pretty, but then they also trash them for being “other”, think of it kinda like how everyone loves black culture in America but will trash black people for being black). Just the hypocrisy of “oh this is so awesome!!! BUT ALSO YOU SUCK!” kinda thing. It’s been awhile (I found it like a year or so before P5′s release), but it always stuck with me. And it made sense why Anne was a model but.....the way she’s....shamed for treating her PART TIME JOB/HOBBY as JUST THAT..... And then shaming her for her own natural beauty....it just reminded me of the interviews I read and it felt icky. I have an idea, it’s in the similar vein as modeling, but I think changing the writing so that it just treats her like a person instead of a hafu is one way to do it (after I finish writing it you can use it if you want/if you like it, it’s roughly similar to what we have but just tweaking it, I’m gonna use an aspect of that in my own fic but it won’t play beat by beat like it does in P5).
I’m not sure about Kasumi, I personally started planning before Kasumi was announced. Do whatever with her tbh kflsjdf;asj
As for Goro.....listen I don’t like who we got, it felt like Atlus gave us like.......a few different characterizations they could’ve taken Goro and shoved them all into him despite these characterizations conflicting and not melding at all. They just contradict. He’s someone I think SHOULD be in the story (if not him, then give someone else the role of the “shadow archetype” but there needs to be one because that’s a staple for Persona, tho I mean if you want to reinvent the wheel and not have one then I say go for it! It’d def something new/different). But if you have Goro, you NEED to smooth him out. I’ll give you a few ideas.
Want him to be a puppet? Make sure it makes sense (by which I mean, due to his powers as we have it now, and how much he hated Shido prior to said powers, it doesn’t make sense for him to be Shido’s puppet when he can easily monitor Shido with said powers, and it doesn’t make sense for him to not monitor him nor be Shido’s puppet. It makes sense for him to pretend to be Shido’s puppet, and then turn around and be the REAL puppet master). A good way to make him a puppet is for him not to be related to Shido (or he and Shido are unknowing to that fact if you want), and Goro is just moved by this politician he sees one day and just stans the shit outta him, despite not knowing he’s a puppet to Shido (if this is the case, I don’t think think Shido planning on killing Goro would make sense, but proving he only thinks of Goro as a tool would def shake Goro’s world, since in this case he is unshakingly DEVOTED to Shido, hence why he’d never go into Shido’s mind). Sympathetic, and similar to Sho, has the best chance of being helped.
Want him to basically be an extreme lawful person/Light Yagami? His way or the highway (also couples well with him being the real mastermind with Shido being the puppet). Well intention, but the ways he is doing it is horrible? Sympathetic? Not Sympathetic, your choice!
(closest rewrite you can get to keep it like the original P5 without the BS puppet thing) Guy that wants to just get revenge on Shido and Society, and is the real mastermind (much to everyone’s shock, due to thinking the red herring Shido was the real mastermind), who has Shido under his thumb. Sympathetic, but he’s willing to hurt whoever for his revenge. Might not be able to be helped, unless you count jail time.
Personally I’m all for changing the god too but that’s just me. 8U
I know I didn’t touch on the bad guys, personally I’m keeping some the same, adding more to some other’s (tho changing their sin), and then just creating like some original bad guys to replace the one’s I’m not using (aka like.........Madarame is going to be a Mementos boss in my fic, I’m replacing him with someone else, and if you looked at my Haru link earlier Okumura is obvie going to be 2nd dungeon instead). You can do whatever with them imo, depends on how much you wanna change. All I can say is just make them deeper/more well rounded characters/no shallow Saturday Cartoon villains (aka give them nuance 8U). And don’t just....have a throw away line about this or that, incorporate it more into the dungeons (imo I’d take a page or two out of P4′s book, have their internal dialogue blasting a lot, maybe even have a memory play that we see).
And that’s as much as I can word vomit atm (I’m very tired ;w;), I feel like I might’ve missed something but.....I’m not gonna worry about it. Sorry it’s in very big strokes, but you have a lot of wiggle room imo. I don’t think there’s a “perfect” way of fixing P5, so as long as you have a vision you want to execute I think you’re good. Like I said, my fix it fic is just retooling a lot of P5 in a way I can make certain ideas work, it’s not supposed to be “this is how P5 is supposed to be” but a “this is how I think a tighter version of P5 could’ve gone down.”
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