#i'm still not out of it but im working on it and she's helping
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OMG HANDMKFUXHAB
reader running away makes me so happy 🥺🥺 if you plan on making a part 4 for the creepy trucker series im on the edge of my seat!!!!
I'm so happy so many people enjoyed the cliffhanger with her running away!! I hope part 4 doesn't disappoint🩷
Trucker!König x Stranded!Reader Part 4 (fem)
MDNI🔞
Part1, Part2, Part3
Master List✍🏽
Tags: @nachofriess, @blue-spices, @teddy2510, @soosouyoung, @vivasab0tage
🚫As usual this story has HEAVY triggers! Please do not read if you cannot handle them! Ily all and I hope you take care of your body and mind🩷🚫
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>cw: fem/afab, non-con, p in v, being chased, pregnancy, Stockholm syndrome
3.2k word count
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As you run you can hear the booming of footsteps, quickly in your mind you’re trying to figure out where you will go; you can’t just keep running, he will outrun you. You see a woman getting into a car with a man so you run to her, yelling in your native language, “Help me! Please!”
The woman looks at you scared and locks the car doors, hitting the guy to start driving. He does and quickly tries to get away from you and whatever danger you, a foreigner, is causing. Your heart sinks and you begin to cry loudly, clearly very distressed. You don’t stop running.
Across the road you can see a row of small businesses. Without thinking you just run across the road. You hear a car horn and tires screeching.
“MAUS!” König shouts as he sees you almost get hit by a car. He sees the car stopping just before it hits you. He freezes for a second as you do in front of the car. Then you look over at him and keep running. König pursues.
You continue to run, more cars having to stop, honking at you for dashing in front of them. König is right behind you also causing traffic to stop as he runs in front of cars. You make it to the other side.
Running into one of the stores, you run up to a man shopping and begin to ask him to call the cops. The man looks at you confused and backs away. Running pass, him, you go to the woman working behind the register.
“Please help me. There is a man that kidnapped me and is chasing me! Please!” She looks at you with the same look before telling you to go.
“No, no, I need help! Please!”
“Get out!” she shouts at you; she assumes you caused trouble for yourself and wants nothing to do with it.
Then König comes into the store, his eyes looking over the place and you run and hide; ducking behind the shelves in an aisle. You can hear your heart beating in your ears, your breathing shaking as you try to sneak out of the store past König.
König walks up to a man and in German begins to describe you, asking if he saw you.
“My crazy wife is manic and ran out of the car, she isn’t taking her medicine, please I’m trying to help her.” König lied very convincingly to the man. He nodded and pointed to the other side of the store where he saw you run.
You hear his footsteps as you try to guess which way they’re about to go. You take your chance and make a run for it. König’s head snaps and begins to run after you. The lady behind the counter yelling at you and König to take this somewhere else.
Just as you’re about to escape through the door, the man in the shop grabs you. You begin to fight the man, “Let me go!”
“Bitte sei ruhig.” The man says thinking that you’re a mentally ill person.
Then you hear König’s voice, thanking the man for his help. His massive hands grasp your arms tightly and pull you to him. He wraps your arms in an x across your chest and wraps his arms tightly around them, lifting you.
You kick back, trying to hit König and shake your body trying to break free, but nothing works. König thanks the man again and begins to walk you out of the store. You’re crying as he does, making sure to quickly cross the road again.
“You fucked up Maus, you really did.”
“Please just let me go!” You sob still trying to break free but twisting your body.
König squeezes you so hard the air leaves your lungs, “Stop!”
You give up and just sob, “Please, let me go!”
“You’re mine, you have to realize that.”
You sob as he walks back to the truck. A small group of people standing outside and watching this happen. König looks at them, feeling panic but trying to appear as a worried husband. He loudly apologizes to the crowd for your behavior and tells the same lie about you being manic.
One older woman in the crowd didn’t believe König, something in her gut telling her that you’re in trouble and that he is lying. She feels helpless watching this scene play out in front of her. She seems to be the odd man out so she is scared to say something. She just watches with sadness in her eyes.
Once back inside the truck, König slams you down hard on the bed and slaps you. “You stupid bitch! You could have gotten hurt! Gotten me caught! Selfish!”
König grabs your handcuffs and restrains you again. This time also grabbing a rope and tying your ankles. You try to kick him as he reaches for them, but he is stronger than you as he grasps them firmly. He ties them so tightly that it hurts. He grabs an old t-shirt laying on the floor and stuffs it into your mouth so he doesn’t have to hear your screaming anymore.
“I was being nice to you, and you fucked it up.” He grows at you as he quickly gets into the drivers’ seat and begins to drive off.
The woman watches the semi take off as she gets on the bus with her group. A heavy guilty feeling in her stomach because she didn’t do anything. She sits next to her friend on the bus, 40 minutes pass as she sits in silence.
“What is wrong?” Her friend asks.
“I-I feel as if that man was lying. That woman looked terrified.”
Her friend nods her head, “She did.” They both take a deep breath before she speaks again, “Maybe you should report it?”
“I think I will.” She takes out her cell phone and calls the emergency hotline. She describes you and König, giving details about the odd situation that unfolded before you all today. She tells them the address and describes the semi the best she can, but she never got his license plate. The man on the line thanks her and they get off the phone.
Because of the adrenalin that flooded through your body, you ended up crashing hard and falling asleep after an hour. König was relieved, but now paranoid that someone might have called for help. Every few minutes he looks over his shoulder to check if he’s being trailed by a cop. This whole situation made him realize you’re safer at home where you can use the bathroom and eat inside the house instead of interacting with the outside world. You’ve lost those privileges.
Hours pass since the incident; you don’t know exactly how much time though. You open your eyes to very bright sunlight flooding your vision. You try to move your hand in front of your eyes to block the light, but you’re still cuffed. This time though you realize your legs and arms are handcuffed spread apart. You’re on a bed in some house. You lean your head forward and look around. You see a wooden desk, wooden dresser, and a dark blue recliner. Next to the recliner is a tripod and a ring light.
Trying to pull yourself free you realize that you’re completely naked. You begin to shake and pull, letting out an aggravated groan once you can’t pull your limbs free. Heavy footsteps travel down the hall, approaching the door to the room you’re in.
König opens the door and walks forward towards you. He stops near the side of your bed and caresses your stubbly legs. “Finally awake.”
You look at him with fear in your eyes, “Where are we?”
“My house, our house.” He sits beside you on the bed. “Why did you run? I was so nice to you.”
“I- I,” you can’t even think of a way to answer without angering him and making things worse. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” König tilts his head to the side and looks at you with a blank stare.
“Yes.”
“No, you aren’t Maus. You’re just scared. But don’t worry, I won’t hurt you. You’ve just lost your privileges. You’re safe. Don’t worry.”
While he is trying to be comforting, he isn’t. He’s the one keeping you captive. He’s the one hurting you and taking you away from a happy life. You keep your eyes on him and then look back towards the bright light from the windows. You realize the window is open and there’s a light breeze coming in.
“Don’t bother screaming Maus, I live in the country. Just you and me for miles.”
You don’t look back at him, just let those words sink in and look out of the window.
“Welcome home, I’ll show you around soon. It’s a nice place to raise a family.”
Your head snaps in his direction, “A family?”
“Ja, Maus. A family. You’ll make me beautiful babies. Plus men will pay extra for your pregnant body.”
König rubs his hand along your abdomen and smirks.
Meanwhile, police have made their way to the truck stop you were seen at. They talk to the woman that was working the cash register that day.
“They came in, both went to the bathroom, and then next thing I knew she was running and he chased after her. When they came in they looked like maybe boyfriend and girlfriend? They were close.”
“Okay, are there any surveillance cameras I can look at?”
“I’ll have to get my boss.”
“You do that.” The cop puts away his notepad and looks around the store before the boss walks out.
“Right this way, officers.”
You don’t even know how much time has passed and there has been no sign of help. You remain inside of König’s home. Your stomach is growing, swollen with his child. An old medic friend from his military days comes to the house to check on you and the baby, König tries his best to take good care of you.
It’s a warm day and you stand outside in a green summer dress, 6 months pregnant. You’re kneeling in the flower bed and pulling weeds. You stand and begin to walk to the water hose, and then your chain pulls.
König has a metal shackle around your ankle, bolted to the house so you can’t run off. He hears the chain pull as he is behind the house trimming back bushes.
“Need something, Liebling?” He walks over to you wearing jeans and a black shirt, both covered in small green specks from the bush leaves.
“The hose,” You point only a few feet away from you.
He walks over and grabs it for you, “Don’t stress yourself out, you still have to film today.”
“Okay, I won’t.”
König leans in and puckers his thin lips waiting for you to kiss him. You tiptoe to meet him the rest of the way and kiss his lips. He smiles at you before slapping your ass and walking back to what he was doing.
You water the garden, feeling your baby move within you. Resting a hand on your stomach, you begin to caress your belly. You let out a deep sigh and look around, trying to imagine giving birth to your baby here and raising your child here. König as a father…how will that work? Will I eventually fall in love?
“Liebling, are you okay?” König walks up behind you, wrapping one arm around you resting on your stomach as the other takes the water hose from you. “You’re drowning the flowers.” His voice has a light chuckle.
“Oh, sorry. I was thinking about giving birth. Being a mom. I’m scared.”
König drops the hose and wraps his arms around you.
“Don’t be scared. I knew from the moment I saw you that you’d make an amazing mom. Don’t stress you and our baby out, okay? I’ll run to the city tomorrow and get you whatever you’re craving.”
You nod your head, “Thank you König.”
“Of course, now let’s go film, ja?”
Filming was your least favorite thing to do, but it’s how König makes enough money to stay home with you, so you do it. He takes out a key and unlocks the cuff on your ankle. His arm goes around your body tightly so you can’t run away if you try.
Walking back inside, he brings you into the bedroom. “Shouldn’t I shower first?”
“Nein, the sweaty look is hot.” He kisses your forehead.
You sit on the bed as he sets everything up, placing the cameras where they need to be and making sure the lighting in the room is good. Once done he strips down to nothing, his cock soft but still 6 inches. He begins to record on all cameras and walks up to you on the bed.
He gets behind you and begins to massage your swollen breasts. You’ve already started to fill up in preparation for the baby, growing two bra sizes. König does everything he can to stimulate more lactation. He begins to squeeze your breast, forming a small wet patch on your dress. You look away embarrassed, he laughs. He squeezes more, letting the wet patches continue to grow, his erect cock rubbing against your back now.
“Let’s take this dress off Liebling.” He whispers as he helps you stand.
Once standing he slowly takes off your dress, his hand gliding over your pregnant belly. His lips kiss your neck tenderly as he makes his way down to your breast. Squeezing, he squirts a small amount of milk on his face before wrapping his mouth around your breast and suckling, drinking in any milk he can squeeze out of you. You let out soft moans as he licks your nipple before sucking again.
“Your milk is so sweet.” He growls as he seats up on the bed.
Again, he goes behind you and begins to squeeze your breasts for the cameras. Make sure to get good squirts of your milk, rubbing some of the milk all over your breast to make them shine. His head resting on your shoulder watching as he does this. Turning his head he begins to kiss the side of your face and you turn your head to meet his mouth and kiss him back.
He lets out a soft moan as he gently cups your breasts in his large hands. His tongue pushing into your mouth and twirling around, mixing your spit with his. Pulling away from the kiss a line of spit follows.
“Lay back Maus.”
You do as he says and lay back flat on the bed. He comes up and caresses your large stomach, leaving a trail of kisses up to your lips again as he positions himself between your legs. He reaches over and grabs one of the cameras and holds it angles at your pussy. He slaps his heavy cock over your tiny clit, causing you to mewl and move your hips. Disgusted with yourself because you actually want his cock.
“Beg for it.”
“Please fuck me.”
“Be more specific, Liebling.” He slaps your clit with his cock again.
“Please give me your cock. Please.”
“Good girl, that’s what I like to hear.” He begins to slip his cock into you.
You moan out and grasp the bed sheets as you feel his cock push in all the way. His hand pulls one of your legs back, making sure to leave room for your big belly. He holds the camera up to your face and you make sure to act as if you don’t want to be recorded; he said the men like it more when I act like I hate it.
“Moan for me.” He taps your face.
You let out a tiny soft moan while suppressing the enjoyment that you’re feeling. He puts the camera down to rest his hands on your belly as he begins to buck his hips more rapidly into you. It hurts so you genuinely moan in pain and try to scoot back.
“Don’t run for it.” He grabs your hips and pulls you towards him.
“It hurts!” you moan out as you squirm.
König lets go of your hips and leans forward, holding your shoulders, and he begins to fuck you so hard you begin to scream.
“Ja! Scream for me! Hure!” He lightly slaps you but you act like it was worse.
Recording takes hours to complete. König helped you get all cleaned up after and chained you to the bed again, the chain is long enough for you to walk around the room, but bolted to where you can’t get to the door or window.
“I’m going into the city to get you food and treats, what are you craving?”
You shrug and think for a few seconds, “Maybe something cakey? Also, just some stuff to make brownies or cakes to have around the house.”
“I can do that.” He leans down and kisses you gently.
“I love you both, I’ll be back.” He caresses your stomach.
“We love you too…” you watch him leave the house.
Once you hear the car door close you rush to the drawers trying to look for something that you can use to break free from the shackles. As usual, there was nothing. You sit on the bed and cry, hugging your stomach.
“I’m sorry baby, I don’t know what to do.” You whisper to your stomach. You feel torn between wanting to run towards freedom and wanting to stay here with König. A weird part of you beginning to feel for him, but also wanting your old life back. You can’t even recognize yourself anymore.
In the city König goes into a local grocery store. He collects everything you asked for plus just thing for the house. He finds a baby onesie that says “I love Daddy.” König holds the tiny little piece of clothing in his hands, smiling thinking about holding his baby in his arms. He adds the onesie to the cart.
He walks up to the front of the store and begins to bag his items as the older woman working the register scans his items. He looks around the store as he waits for his payment to process and he sees a board of posters.
“Here’s your receipt.”
König’s attention turns back to the nice woman. He smiles and grabs the piece of paper from her, grabbing all of his bags and walking to the poster board.
In big red words he reads the words MISSING. König stays there and reads the details. His heart sinks.
Young woman, your skin tone, hair color, body build. His semi-truck color, build, hair color. The fact you’re foreign and what language you speak is even listed. He can feel his cheeks turn red as he begins to sweat. He reaches up and rips the sign off the board and turns to leave the store.
He sits in his SUV and looks at the poster. He wonders how many there are and how much information the cops actually know.
“FUCK!” He yells in his SUV and he runs his hands down his face. He takes a deep breath before pulling out of the parking spot and beginning to speed home to you.
#tw: noncon#please read the warnings#konig#konig x reader#konig x y/n#könig#konig cod#könig x reader#konig smut#könig smut#könig cod#könig mw2#könig x reader smut#smut#cod smut#konig x reader smut#konig x you#könig x you#trucker!könig#trucker!konig#cod konig#könig call of duty
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Hii im looking for fic that looks at Crowley/aziraphale from an outside perspective for example the other whickber street traders being confused about where Aziraphale has gone and asking Crowley or other civilians noticing aziraphale and Crowley in general. Not looking for a particular fanfiction.
I do love a good #outsider POV fic...
Eavesdropping by IneffableDoll (G)
A patron of the pub overhears a bewildering conversation between a grey suit (Gabriel) and a beige suit (Aziraphale) in which their adoring descriptions of their respective goth partners are extremely…concerning.
The Mystery of the Missing Mr. Fell by treatsnsweets (G)
"Aren't you investigating? Keep the rant about the confusing relationship with Sunglasses in a separate thing." Phyllis spoke out loud, reading the notebook.
"Hey! I'm not done with that yet. It's still my first draft and I needed more evidence." Trixie huffed as they grabbed her notebook back.
Or
Two teens decided to investigate why "Mr. Fell" has disappeared after the events of season 2.
Sanctuary by Scheissemann (M)
Days were hard for the shopkeepers on Whickber Street, Crowley was drinking, and Mrs. Sandwich just wanted to have a cigarette undisturbed.
What You've Lost But Never Had by BlackUnicorn (NR)
Mr. Fell, for that was all everyone knew to call him, was a peculiar man. He owned the bookshop next to Frank's record shop – A. Z. Fell & Co. it was called – and it had been there for as long as anyone could remember. Why, if Frank's mother, may she rest in peace, was to be believed, the Mr. Fell who had been around when she'd opened her own establishment was the very same that was still around now, over 70 years ago. That couldn't possibly be true, of course, and yet sometimes Frank wondered. He remembered Mr. Fell, of course, from his own childhood, his own youth, the kind man living next door, a little reclusive, perhaps, but always willing to offer a cup of tea and some nice biscuits to anyone in need of a cheer-up.
A Table For One by WaitingToBeBroken (T)
There is a couple that has been coming to Justine's restaurant every third Wednesday of the month for more than a decade. Now, they are suddenly gone.
Justine decides to ask around the neighbourhood about them. Everyone has a different theory.
amaranthus cruentus by jilliancares (G)
“It’s not my plant.”
“Okay,” says Nina.
“I mean, it wasn’t my plant. It was given to me. I didn’t pick it out.”
“Right.”
“I don’t even like flowers,” Crowley continues. “I like leafy plants. Leafy plants make sense.”
Or: Crowley and Aziraphale navigating their break-up, through the eyes of everyone else.
Or: 5 times Crowley and Aziraphale deal with their heartbreak, plus 1 time they actually do something about it.
All of This is Completely Normal Here by TogetherAgain (G)
The events of an entirely ordinary day for one particular police station in London towards the beginning of summer in 2019.
~ ~ ~
Lonnie Clarke was talking to a lunatic.
To be fair, that wasn’t really unusual. It was a standard part of police work.
This particular lunatic was a special sort of insane, though. Crazy like a fox, this Mr. Fell. Or, just absurdly lucky.
Clarke was just finishing up with him — confirming his contact information, thanking him for his time, and so on — when an entirely different and more familiar lunatic came swaggering in with their hands cuffed in front of them. “OI! Who sent a rookie to pick me up all by herself? That’s hazing, ‘s what that is. Thought you lot were above all that.”
Ladies and gentlemen, A.J. Crowley was in the building.
the best of the world in the palm of our hands by middyblue (T)
Crowley seems to be going through a bad breakup and Maggie just wants to help. Apparently, the world is also ending.
- Mod D
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HPD An Shiraishi
A post where I diagnose An with what im considering my whole system has. Because girlie you are not normal and neither am I.
HPD: histrionic personality disorder. It's the least talked about from the four Cluster B disorders, and so I'm also talking about it and what relates it to An Shiraishi from what we feel ourselves.
First of all, similar to NPD, HPD is an attention seeking disorder, and I'm not going to talk about the difference much because i can fuck it up, but I see An a lot into this.
1- Attention seeking:
I'm calling it "spotlight" seeking in here a lot, for An, attention=spotlight, being the one in a stage and being the focus.
We do know An likes attention, (especially of two people, which I'll talk about it later), she loves the attention her town gives her, and got upset when she felt it being taken away as she felt Kohane was stealing it (even when it wasn't, An also knew it was quite a stupid thing, but it doesn't invalidate her feelings).
She wants people to look at her, at school she can be considered popular, she's a hall monitor (i forgot the actual word) so we know the teachers like her enough, she does sports, she is at the very least known.
At vivid streets there's not even a need to mention, everyone knows her, everyone "adores" her, she feels loved, because she has that attention.
She also hates when she's just called Ken's daughter, yes there is good reason for that, but also it shines the spotlight on HIM, and not her.
2- "Favorite person"
I'm sorry to use the term i think it's bpd specific but I haven't seen a term used for hpd yet so I'm sticking with it here?
Anyways, An has two people she desires the attention of even more.
Nagi and Kohane.
Nagi is the person that made An follow music, she wanted Nagi's attention in that way, she wanted Nagi to look at her and share the spotlight with Nagi, and got devastated when finding out that Nagi can't do any of that anymore, she's still seeking that Nagi attention, just in a different way.
Kohane is.. a complicated story, she wants Kohane's eyes on her, and can even get jealous of the girl, but instead of sharing the spotlight, for a long time she felt fear that Kohane was going to steal the spotlight, leave An alone, without attention and without love. As of the new event she's getting better, she got the win (and the attention) and now she knows they can share, but i dont think that little thing will ever fully leave her head.
While she loves Kohane, she can't help but wish that was her.
Even more when Kohane looks a lot like Nagi in her singing style, which An wishes it was her.
3- Competitive.
That isnt exactly a trait, but it can work as one here, because if she wins a competition, she gets attention, right?
She will do something she's scared of, just to win, just for attention.
So she competes with Haruka on basketball, with Akito on who's the best singer, didn't even think of having him as a partner until the vivids and the bad dogs teamed up because for her, he was competition for the spotlight, for her attention.
But even then, she never felt like those two were really a threat.
And also this whole post is me projecting and going "An, babygirl, you have issues".
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*sonia had sent out a message to her closest friends, gym leaders, and any other trainers who’s want to take part in helping her with a experiment she cooked up, a soda that was distilled with max mushrooms*
Calling all trainers who know me personally, I require a few test subjects for a new closed door experiment im working on, payment for helping out is 500,000 pokedollars
*Bea opted to help Sonia with the experiment. With it being Allister turn to man the gym this season she had nothing else to do. Plus she has been eyeing some new equipment but was 500,000 off. This being a quick way to get money with out doing a pokemon battle would be great. So she gave Sonia a call and see if the job offer was still open.* Hello Professor Sonia I'm calling for the job offer you sent out. I'm wonder if it was still open.
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Animating my own OCs (free serotonin)
#rayman#ocs#morribel#my art#a short thing#a tad choppy but is okay ♥#forced myself to work on threes rather than twos and i must make my peace with the stepped look but i embrace it#morribel really is my cure for artblock#round simple shapes are such a breeze#i'm still not out of it but im working on it and she's helping#anyway have this :]
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Magenta...
#I'm in a conundrum#so i have covid again#started showing symptoms last friday and into the weekend it got worse#i have missed a week of work#and i am getting better in some ways but not others#I'm still very much in the thick of it#i already told my boss if I'm still showing symptoms and no signs of getting better I'm going to the docs on Monday#she cool with that and has been very accomodating#but idk wtf im gonna do about bills coming up#and the higher ups at my work place ended covid protections and covid pay ie for the days you'd be out due to covid they'd take care of you#said higher ups also tried to pressure my boss into convincing me to come in on Tuesday at least#i can't in good conscience show up to work even if masked if I'm still having symptoms#I'd feel horrible if i gave it to my colleagues and especially the kids i work with#but also the you're one paycheck away from homelessness thing is digging my head#but i also need to take care of myself#idk man#idk wtf to do i feel trapped and I'm going insane because of it#help? police? murder? advice?
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how about if... i just... don't do my work.....
#ohhh right i was supposed to connect my phone! i totally forgot about that!! and i didn't read that par#of the email you sent me... just all other parts... and even though you told me to do it this tuesday and also last week i just forgot...#pls i'm so unmotivated#i speedran a lot of my work stuff but now it's like#my job computer has freaked out and i should go to the like it services help but i just can't be bothered#idk the guys working there are kinda sketchy (and they're probs on lunch break rn) plusssss i don't have a like access card (????) so like#if i leave the office i cant really get back in so i'll have to knock on the door and hope someone lets me in lol i just don't wanna#the only assignment i have left for the day is something i need the work computer to do but i just don't wanna talk to people to get help..#also none of my bosses or coworkers in my department are here... its just me and this one lady from the economy department so no one knows#she either listening to really loud music in her headphones or she doesn't even have headphones?? either way i can hear her music clearly 😶#also!! the n1 thing i should do but just cant is#im supposed to go to the front desk and like connect my phone to my boss's number so i get her calls because shes on holiday or whatever#but like... i still really really *really* can't talk on the phone#there's just no way im doing that#i just don't know how to fake like#sounds believable?#much more fun to rant in tags than to work 👍#and to think of how obsessed i am with lando norris#OMG PAUL F2 ANNOUNCEMENT RN AS IM TYPING AAAAAA#HELP
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i'm so bummed i accidentally turned town a job interview for a job where I could have worked with a good friend and mentor 😔
#i was telling her abt the preschool i got hired at and i was like yeah im worried bc the other teacher doesn't seem nice#and the student teacher ratio is really bad they're really understaffed and underfunded im just really worried it will be too much for me#and she was like oh you should apply to the school i work at bc we're hiring snd the ratio is great and the pay might be better also#and i never knew the name of the school she worked at until then#and its one i DID apply to but i told them nevermind after this one hired me 😬#but now i really wish i'd taken that interview#i'm going to call or email first thing on monday tho and hopefullyyy i can get in for an interview before i start my new job on thursday#so i wont literally have to take time off for it#and then if they offer me i will be able to tell the new job nevermind while its still early#either that or i'll try to stick it out a few months then apply to the other one for summer or something#but im not sure whether its best to quit immediately or let them think im dependable and staying then leave in three months lol#but mostly for the other job idk if it would ruin the opportunity to tell them nevermind i want the job a week after i said no#compared to a few months later#they might have forgotten me by then which would probably be good#idkkk#my first reference literally works there which will hopefully help and maybe they'll give me a break#the pay scale looks the same as the one i just accepted but i think they'll offer less bc they're not as desperate#but i literally dont care its such a better working environment#and the pay scale is the same so they would give me a raise after a few months#and the work will be so much easier#and the commute#and i Definitely know i can work with my friend#vs the co teacher at this new job who seems really intense and unfriendly#anyway!!#im really anxious abt this new job and i'll stay if the other place wont take me now#but i really hope they give me another chance#also its super close and easy drive and the commute for the other one scares me a bit lol#this has been a shitpost
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trying to figure out Lomion's relationships for the reverse gondolin au - so far I have Rog as his mentor instead of Eol and Celegorm as his "uncle". he's not particularly close with Idril, but Turgon helps him with the politics/statecraft stuff. anyways I can't figure out a marriage candidate for him for heir-identification purposes so
#silm#silmarillion#reverse gondolin au#not art#lomion#i dont really have any ship/sexuality headcanons for lomion#so idk who to stick him with#but he is the high king after all and does need somewhere for the crown to go in the case of his likely demise#maedhros can get away with zero children because he has plenty of brothers & cousins#but sadly lomion is an only child (or at least the only surviving child...?)#and by his reign most of his family has been wiped out#idril still sails in the au so she cant inherit#i think celebrimbor is the only close friend/family he has living after the destruction of gondolin??#celebrimbor def would not *want* to be king but i could see him taking the crown in an emergency#so that sauron/morgoth/whoever would focus on him and give his family/people time to escape#the lomion/tyelpe idea actually happened bc i was thinking about if he should be obsessed with the opposite cousin the au#since idril is like 300some years younger than him and they didn't meet until much later#and anyways they're even more cousins-removed than russingon so it should be fine right? lol#the other main marriage option im considering is giving one of the other Lords a kid#maybe egalmoth can have a random daughter somewhere in there?#i don't want to make it too much of a 'random person + random heir kid' situation#so maybe he can just adopt a kid? but then if he dies early the kid is too young#(bc he doesnt have a kid when idril arrives)#also gil galad is younger here to make the timelines work#anyways and if he dies early and his kid is too young but he's also not married and has no siblings then idk who would be regent#bc by the end of the FA i'm aiming to have turgon & aredhel dead; elwing & earendil dead/departed; tuor dead; and idril sailed#and then that leaves like nobody alive family wise#aaagh help me i have no idea who inherits after him#like. does celebrimbor have to be king for a few hundred years? he probably would sooner dissolve the formal kingship than deal with that#or do i throw it back at gil galad? how does gil even get to gondolin?? where does he come from
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hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.
and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.
i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.
where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).
but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?
#well. i AM probably a monster for how much i dislike this lady#but i don't ACT on it#and i genuinely couldn't care less about her. i participate in decent human pleasantries because i am a decent human.#and at work we're stuck together#the thing that's irked me so much about this conversation is just.. her self centeredness#that she thinks everyone is out to get her. to undermine her. whatever.#bitch nobody cares about you enough one way or the other to put in that kind of effort. i sure don't#i empathize but i do not sympathize. to feel that pit that makes you feel like the worst kind of center of attention#i get it. but genuinely you are not the main character and no one is going to spend their limited time and energy to slowly attack you#you are not the cat with all the knives pointed at it#it's a terrible feeling to feel like you are! but when it influences your behavior to the point that you are making snide comments#to people who have no option not to interact with you then uh. then you're in the wrong buddy#and the people around you (who cannot easily leave! bc work!) should not have to bend over backwards to assure you#that they're not pointing knives at you. to protect themselves from your feelings making you say mean shit#like yes. i can be more clear with my intentions. i'm generally not the greatest at that. but my baseline that i want to#modify my behavior from is NOT one that a regular well adjusted person would take as anything but kind#and if a regular well adjusted person got a little offput by me volunteering to take work off their hands we would've had a very chill#3 sentence conversation about it MONTHS AGO.#i understand and respect (even if i find it annoying and overbearing) the need for me to announce my intentions like im working in a kitchen#and saying 'hot water' or 'knife' as i move around other people but we shouldn't have reached this conclusion this way#and frankly who's to fucking say me being more clear with my intentions will only feed the flames of her thinking i'm out to get her!#'i caught up on my stuff and your plate looks full. i'm bored. anything i can do to help?' could be a pointed knife for all i know!!#and if it is- and my actions still hurt her in that scenario- am i still responsible for the hurt caused??#like WHERE DOES IT FUCKING E N D ?#personal#*exhales* okay i feel better now#i just hate talking about my interactions with her bc i just want NOTHING to do with it. i want her out of my head!!#but until i process it i can't let go#and i'm still going to have to go over all of this with my shrink tomorrow#it just makes me mad how much of my time this bitch takes up. i'm not getting paid to think about work right now!!!!
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now i know why im the one who does all the cooking in my house
#my mom cannot follow the simplest instructions its infuriating#i checked with her three times. three times i asked if she had measured out 4 cups of water. and every time she told me yes#spoiler. she did not. and i ended up pouring in way too much water because she did not. in fact. measure out 4 cups.#I'm usually the one who makes scalloped potatoes but i asked her to do it tonight because im not feeling good#and i still ended up having to do most of the work.#it doesnt help that i havent eaten anything at all today so saying that i have a short temper would be an understatement
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i continue to be so pleased when people clock me like yes i AM a weird little lesbian thank you for noticing <3
#a coworker was asking if i was in a relarionship and he used 'she' before i did#ok the 'trans rights are human rights' shirt im wearing probably helped but STILL#him and my work mom and i think also my manager all kinds just Knew and that is the fucking best#tbf my work mom is Kinda Bisexual (though i think she said she doesn't use that label for reasons I'm not getting into here)#and my manager is either a lesbian or bi herself (i think lesbian??)#so like. same sees same or whatever#and then my OTHER coworker also was the one who i think was trying to '''subtley''' find out cus he randomly brought up like#'oh my c cousin is gay and hes cool' or whatever it was he said#but i think he's the only one who has maybe also clocked me as trans ???#anyway its a fun little thing to ME#mostly cus i dont actually hide it so its pleasabt for people to just kinda assume that way for me#shh ac
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weeping and crying because my mom bought us groceries while we're stuck inside with covid
#[static]#covid round 2 ... i guess ....#i still mask up at work and in public so im rather happy that i didnt bring it home#but i did get it from a fellow housemate ... which felt inevitable considering the circumstances#cant really ... constantly mask up inside my own house#though we had started masking when she found out she went to lunch with someone who had covid but alas it was too late for us#but my mom sent us money to get a buttload of groceries sent to the house which im super duper grateful for fgkjdf#i haaaaate accepting or asking for money but my mom knows this so if I'm ever sick she always sends me something without asking#which helped a bunch because i only had $100 until next Thursday fkdgjgk#now i can make soup today without worrying about how much a whole chicken costs#this is also why i work at a grocery store because all the stuff i just ordered would be much cheaper with my discount#its so hard to order groceries online when im like 'i could get this for $5 at work' lmao everything is soooo overpriced nowadays#but i quite literally cant walk into a store rn so orderin online was the only way to go
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Mum is a 'power through a task because it's over with' person and I am a 'give up when you can't do it anymore and finish later' person
So when she's helping me move it gets precarious
#vent post#like i warned her a few times that i was done for the day and couldn't physically or mentally do it anymore#but she didn't pay attention#because 'you just keep putting one foot forward' is her mentality#but i can't do that anymore cos i used it all up in academia when i burned out and never fully got back#so eventually I fully had a Moment™ where i was snappy and then crying and then defeated#and she got huffy with me and just finished her tasks then left#which made me feel bad#which made me worse which started spiralling because i was getting more upset that i had upset her by being upset#we're (i think) fine now but i still feel awful about the whole thing#cos she was only trying to help and encourage me#and i just couldn't do it#also I'm over stressed from the packing and moving while working 40hrs a week the last month#and everything is new here and im very anxious about a new start and a phd#and nothing is organised thhe way i like anymore#and today i didn't eat much because we were so busy#basically I'm a shit show atm
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#i am gonna be so honest with you all babes. i'm fucking exhausted.#and my back hurts and my head hurts and my heart hurts and i'm just.#trying to take it day by day i guess. i don't know anymore really.#like yeah we have help and it's fine but. everyone leaves and goes home and they don't have to do anything about it anymroe.#im still here i'm still the one that wakes up in the middle of the night i'm sitll the one that gets called to do it all#i literally have done fuck all for work today because i've been the one doing the running around#and everyone keeps saying 'oh we're all worried for her and we're all pitching in to help'#and yes you all are! but that doesn't change the fact that she lives wiht us. and that when anyone comes over she still calls for one of us#it's not her fault she's just used to us#but my goodness gracious i have not felt this tired before and i'm just. i'm trying to remind myself i'm doing it for her. you know?#that there is no other reason it's getting done except that it's all For Her. and it makes it a little better.#but it doesn't change the fact that anyone time i step under the shower i just start crying again. or any time i'm alone for ten minutes#i'll just cry really quickly to get it out of my system before going back.#i've never felt more disconnected from reality than i have in the past week you know
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I'm either going to try and take a break from tumblr for the next few weeks or I'm going to end up being on it way more often so either way this is a heads up
#bee's buzzing#I'll explain more here in the tags. uh.#i have. two weeks exactly to get MONTHS of missing work done because of my adhd.#even on my meds that work its hard to get much done in a day and one assignment can take hours#and yes. i could ask my parents for help. but nothing they do is actually helping me?#the best thing they could do is take some of my work load off of my shoulders so i dont have to have breakdowns like this#but. the thing is. they get MAD whenever they have to do that.#last time it happened the only thing i could physically do was lay in bed and cry. and my mom was ANGRY. youd think she would understand#but no. no sympathy there. they say they just want me to be happy and then pull that and idk if i can believe it anymore?#dont want to worry anyone reading by saying this i wont act on anything but i would genuinely rather be dead than have that happen again#anyway tldr yeah im really going through it right now and i still cant function as a human being.#if anyone read this far i hope you have a wonderful day thanks for taking time out of it to read this <3#and if anyone has any kind of advice or anything please let me know at this point I'm desperate#GOD AND. IM NOT EVEN GETTING A SUMMER BREAK THIS YEAR. I WON'T EVEN HAVE A BREAK TO REST AND RECOVER AFTER THIS.
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