#i'm not constantly wishing for a relationship
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hibino kafka? more like hubbyno kafka (mdni)
❀ kafka who loves kissing you more than anything, and will have his lips on you at any possible time. this clown here loves to press the wettest smooch on your cheek just as much as he loves kissing you softly while you rock to the sound of the news in the background.
❀ kafka who's always texting you. his name will constantly be popping up on your phone, be it to wish you a good day at work, to complain about some inconvenience at his job, or to remind you that he loves you for the seventh time that morning.
❀ kafka who had always been okay with his bachelor apartment looking like a wreck, but since he started dating you no dishes pile up in the sink, the trash is taken out, and the cleaning is kept up with.
❀ kafka who immediately started getting extra toothbrushes, towels and other supplies the moment your relationship started looking serious, in hopes that it would incite you to come over more often.
❀ kafka who thanks his lucky stars every time he gets to wake up next to you because holy shit how did a loser like him pull a beauty like you? (it's fine we love losers 'round here)
❀ kafka who can never get enough of slow mornings with you. he often has you staying over at his place, and his bathroom is too small to let you brush your teeth side by side, so he gets the next best thing: you straddling his hips while you sit on the counter, peacefully getting ready for the day.
❀ kafka who gets a little insecure sometimes, especially before becoming an officer. he doesn't need constant reassurance, but there are days when he can't help staring at the mirror a little longer, a little harsher.
❀ kafka who falls harder still when you assure him that his dad body is extremely sexy, and that you love that he's so big and warm he's literally perfect to cuddle with.
❀ kafka who feels so much better when he sees how happy wearing his huge baggy clothes makes you. he has had to give up too many hoodies to count at this point, not that he's complaining.
❀ on that note, kafka who loves it when you're wearing one of his oversized shirts and nothing else - well, except perhaps a pair or wooly thigh-high socks during the colder months. After all, the central heating in his apartment is pretty bad, so you have to work with what you have.
❀ kafka who presses down on your covered hamstrings to keep you folded nearly in half while his fat cock plunges in and out of your soaking wet pussy; he's obsessed with the unrestricted sight of the filthy mess he's making out of your swollen cunt.
❀ kafka who sometimes absently wonders if you would be okay with him shapeshifting to fuck you better. he knows that kaiju no. 8 looks scary as shit and that he still has a hard time controlling the extra strength, but some twisted part of him wants to see how much further he could push you (little does he know his fans are monsterfuckers)
❀ kafka who ultimately is a pretty vanilla lover who just lives for those moments late at night when he has you sitting back against his soft chest with your legs spread embarrassingly wide while his thick fingers play you like a goddamn fiddle.
❀ kafka who, yes, is 100% a giver in every aspect of your relationship. but boy does he turn into a whore whenever you pay some well-deserved attention to him. he'll take anything you're willing to offer, but worship his body and his cock with your hands and tongue and he's done for.
❀ kafka who is not shy per se, but he gets really horny really fast if you start dirty talking to him. it might take a little bit of confidence for him to reciprocate, but once he warms up he's pulling out all the "yes, baby, want your mouth on me so bad", or the "i'm not gonna stop until you make a fucking mess on my sheets, got it?"
❀ kafka who used to dread laundry day, but will now happily change his sheets everyday if it means he got to fuck you good the night before.
brother i’m so down bad for this himbo he’s making me have unholy thoughts on finals week
#kaiju no. 8#kn8#kaiju no. 8 x reader#kaiju no. 8 fanfic#kn8 x reader#kn8 smut#kn8 fanfic#kafka hibino#kafka hibino x reader#kafka hibino smut#kafka x reader#kafka smut
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On Repeat - OC Tag Stuff
I was tagged by @acidheaddd to do this and AH thank you I've been mulling over this A LOT and it really made me think hard on my OCs and their stories. Credits to @elderwisp(a cool guy) for the idea.
OK! Onto the LORE
Ai [FSU -BigKlit]
1 shot, 2 shot, 3 shot, 4
Fuck it up, I wanna see the bodies hit the floor
5 shot, 6 shot, 7 shot, 8
We don't give a fuck, we burning down the whole place
Fuck shit up, I wanna fuck shit up, I wanna fuck shit up
Rage, rage, rage. That's definitely a word to describe this guy. Ai is very aggressive due to good old trauma~* but despite his violent tendencies he's full of highly energized spite and fun, so this song encapsulates his personality pretty accurately with its fast pace and aggressive lyrics. A fist with a bright shining smile to accompany it.
Marisol [Holy Weather -Civil Twilight]
It’s not too late to go home
Passion is this weight on my shoulders
So why did you follow me into this den
When all the bluest stars paint your name
In a sky of black
You must go back
Are you lost little soul? Marisol is a bit of a wanderer, who lets her curiosity dictate her actions. But where that curiosity leads her is full of a darkness that beckons her soul to light her path. She is constantly told to turn back by many colorful characters, despite this, she persists. There is a particular entity who crosses paths with her soul and is unable to escape her tenacity. This song with its regretful lyrics and soft instrumentals, parallel the dynamic of her affect on those around her especially the one that holds her soul closest to theirs and the consequences that happen because of it.
Isaiah [Daydreaming -Radiohead]
Beyond the point
Of no return
Of no return
Then it's too late
The damage is done
The damage is done
This goes
Beyond me
Beyond you
Liminal. Inhuman. Existence. Isaiah, if that is his true identity, is an individual full of whimsical mysteries and questions. What happens when a person dies, and who will lead us into the afterlife? Will the reaper come to aid us in our desperate confusion upon our passing? Where will you go? This song, compels the listener to wander and be lured by its ethereal instrumentals and the darkness that looms around it, much like how the darkness and uncertainty of death lingers among the living.
Jasper [You Don't Own Me -Tamino]
You may keep me hеre
You seem to know just how
To pin me to the ground
Each timе you come around
Take away my home
Obscuring what I am
And plague me all night long
And lay claim to freedom's song
What good is greed if you don't possess yourself? Even the strongest can fall folly to abusive, parasitic relationships. Jasper, even in his conception was never meant to enjoy the freedom of individuality. Being a prisoner inside his own body and shackled by family ties and a predatory lover that only wishes to possess him, his autonomy is never of his own volition. Still, his soul persists, fighting and gnashing at every opportunity to break free from those that hold him captive. This song is one of rebelling to that which wants to possess and control you, which bears a haunting resemblance to Jasper's own struggles.
Anabelle [Do You Feel Real -Sevdaliza]
I thought I'd heal from you
Or you'd escaped from me
Maybe I'm too scared to forget you
I just can't remember how it feels like to function without
Absorbed in total free fall
It's a waste of time
It's not that serious
My void is one that comforts and cures a loneliness that it causes. What do you do when the only thing that comforts you is the presence of evil? When that is all that you are used to? Anabelle was born spreading death and misery wherever she went. But why? Is it the shadow that follows her and protects her as everything else withers away? Accompanied by low and drawn out instrumentals, the lyrics of this song perpetuate a relationship that is parasitic and addictive in nature, one that you thought you overcame but it persists. Anabelle craves love from the living and dreads the darkness that lingers and keeps her isolated. Still, she is plagued by her need to have it close or else her loneliness will destroy her.
Ira [Daisy -Brand New]
I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a river that is all dried up
I'm an ocean nothing floats on
I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot
I'm a moon that never shows its face
I'm a mouth that doesn't smile
I'm a word that no one ever wants to say
I am nothing. I crave to become everything. Ira is an anomaly. He exists but in a plane that no living creature can exist, all he knows, he knows from a dream that connects to his. She is beautiful, living, while he is nothing. Envy feeds his hunger, but nothing ever happens. HE shouldn't exist, yet he does. A paradox, much like the message of this song. The dream persists and reminds him that he should exist. But why is he here and not there? Maybe she can help him become real, and not a dream.
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AND that's it for that lol! I have way more characters that I have music for (but i don't have official finalized sim versions of them) so i just included these guys for now, I could include my Envidia story characters but i felt like this post is pretty long as it is sajkfa my bad. LOL all my song choices are existential/depressing save for Ai, because he's built different lol.
#oc: ai#oc: marisol#oc: isaiah#oc: jasper#oc: anabelle#oc: ira#ts4#ts4: sim#tag game#SIDENOTE: fucking TOOL is amazing but posing sims is still a big pain in the ass in game#i cry#anyway this was a lot of fun thanks again for the tag!
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Yo! I wrote an analysis of 167 that you might be interested in. https://www.tumblr.com/lottimiqo/752646719530041344/when-are-people-going-to-start-noticing-that-denji
Thank you!!!!! I'm very flattered when people send me their analyses.
But I'd just like to make a few comments about what I've read!
It's vital to take each interpretation seriously, and I take yours seriously, as it explains Denji's initiative by analyzing his verbal behavior, which is a brilliant approach given that we're dealing with an almost silent chapter.
Just as you have to accept that I didn't read the chapter that way. And I think that our difference in reading can be explained by a crucial element, the fact that you rely on the second half of the chapter, deciding to base your analysis on a specific moment, whereas I always prefer to take a global view, sometimes even in an extreme way, by analyzing one chapter in relation to the others.
The 2 are equal, because a perfect understanding of an important moment is just as interesting when read as a whole. You'll prefer to clarify the analysis when I'll prefer to focus on the coherence of an entire work.
But to get back to the basics, there's something fundamental that I don't see taken into account very much in general: Denji doesn't know who he's kissing. What I mean is that even though the first kiss with Yoru was received positively and he undertook a second kiss, Denji thinks he has a relationship with Asa when he doesn't.
I know it's advisable to steer away from a literal reading when it comes to Asa / Yoru, and you're right to prefer a more metaphorical approach.
But even by a symbolic, metaphorical approach, the narrative consequence is completely different. For one wants to kill CSM, while the other wants to save him. Denji's embrace of the one who wishes to kill him is fundamentally strong in its contradiction. If it were Asa, the conclusion would be more logical and gentle.
Above all, you decide not to focus your analysis on the first part of the chapter, which I find fundamental. For the first chapter is expressly about Denji's desire to distance himself from his sexual appetite, and he has several non-verbal reactions.
Like placing his hand in front of his crotch!
Just as it's vital that the chapter opens with Denji wanting to mutilate himself, not wanting to see his limb severed, but also taken out in such a place, just as touched. In short, Denji expresses a clear desire at the beginning of the chapter not to suffer.
Just as Denji is anxious for the woman he thinks is Asa to see his dick, he's afraid of being mutilated. Intrusion and mutilation are placed on the same plane in this bubble.
Especially the first part gives a dimension of struggle between the two. The knife drops but Yoru violently grabs Denji's crotch. Yoru makes it explicit: I deny your feelings and the confrontation with CSM is all she's interested in.
I don't know if Denji really initiated the kiss. He's not bent over to do it, he's bent over because he's constantly hunched over and literally has his dick on borrowed time. The questioning around the kiss is on Yoru's side. For me, she's the one who initiates it.
She kisses him, pulls back abruptly as she realizes what she's done and looking back at Denji, feels like doing it again. She moves forward, backward and intensifies.
Just as we can analyze Denji's non-verbal behavior, his hands don't touch Yoru, he remains disturbed and overwhelmed by his sensations.
That's why, for me, this chapter is profoundly noisy in its silence, in its violence. Denji wants to get rid of his sexual appetite but he doesn't want to be mutilated, but Yoru decides to force him into his patterns. Just as it's when Denji is abused that Yoru remembers his kiss with him.
Because assaulting Denji pleases her. Perhaps because she has feelings for him through Asa, but also because she craves violence against Chainsaw Man.
The most logical conclusion to all this is sexual assault. A brutal compromise, reconciling hatred and unhealthy desire.
Denji never looks Yoru during the act, more often staring into space as if glued to the need to realize, but he's constantly caught short.
Denji is overwhelmed and his body no longer belongs to him. Yoru is hogging it. Just as Yoru is monopolizing Asa's.
Anyway, that's how I see it.
#ask#csm 167#chainsaw man#csm#csm part 2#denji#csm spoilers#asa#asa mitaka#yoru#thanks again for your analysis!!!#♥️
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RE: porn addiction discussion:
I've seen a lot of both breakups and divorces over that very thing in the past decade, Imo I don't think its reasonable to expect everyone who has seen a dissolving in their relationship due to the excessive pornography usage of one partner partner to just suck it up and get used to liking porn themselves, accept watching porn together as a replacement for their sex life, otherwise /they/ must be some non-communicative creep who just wants to use their partner like a dildo.
More and more chicks get pressured by guys into doing that. Or like the other asker said, acting out things from porn that they dont wanna do, and regret it/dont enjoy it. I think its less about ~protecting pristine sacred christian piv~ and more of an acknowledgement that its not realistic to expect the majority of sexual relationships to be able to healthily function like that as long as theres 'communication'.
Communication isn't the end all be all when there's only one clear party that this scenario benefits. The person with the broken dick. To promote the idea that they should, can and is be used against people who don't want that for themselves or their relationship, under the guise that if their boundaries are firm they must be some flavor of "sex negative/christian/radfem/prude"
There's nuance to the topic. People with the same level of porn usage can be happy together, engage in their kinks mutually, all that jazz. But there are also an increasing number of relationships where a dude uses porn and sex-positive language to pressure chicks into doing things they dont want to, having the kind of sex life that they dont want to, which becomes a slippery slope. Or a dude gets so into porn that hes leaving it open on his computer for their kids to see in an exhibitionist sort of way, completely disregarding welfare.
And I don't mean that as any sort of hyperbole or rhetoric, that example happened with my own Dad. Lemme tell you, your father leaving open pages and pages of anorexic amputee torture porn on the family computer that you, as an 8 year old girl, have to rush to close before your younger siblings come in the door after you home from school, will have an impact on both that relationship and ones level of comfort with porn longterm.
And even then, I still got into relationship after relationship once I was old enough, where guys were constantly wanting to replace sex with watching porn with them, and when we did have sex they always wanted to 'try something they saw' rather than just have fun doing something mutually enjoyable and intuitive. Partners sneaking off at my 15 year old sisters birthday party to jack off to 'teen porn' in the bathroom, leaving home for work early just to jack off in a gas station parking lot for 2 hours, watching porn in bed next to me when I have to get up for work soon, being unable to maintain an erection without porn-related stimuli (be it watching or scenarios), spiraling into cheating, etc. Years and years of sex positivity, attempts at understanding, experimenting, and accommodating, and communication on my end didn't help, until that communication was "I can't keep trying to salvage this by myself anymore, I'd be happier alone."
Not everyone is going to be down with it, or should push themselves to be, and not all reasons for not wanting that for your own sex life are rooted in some Christian or Radfem rhetoric. Lived experience plays a role in such stances. Strong boundaries can be hard to build when there's pressure in both the bedroom and outside world that the ones you have are 'wrong', but it's worth it to stand up for ones own comfort, security, and happiness rather than endlessly accommodating.
Personally, I'm overjoyed to have now found a longterm relationship now where the furthest extent of that either partner engages with is fanfic and lewd art. I wish everyone the same luck in finding a partner that has compatible desires.
--
~broken dick~
Oh please.
This kind of discussion is obsessed with "porn" meaning mainstream live action porn aimed at straight guys and with the kind of dumbass men who think that stuff is a model to emulate. In reality, there are shittons of types of porn. People who pressure their partners suck regardless of why.
These experiences sound shitty, but I'm still rolling my eyes at this spin.
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Guilty as Sin?
Summary: Faded fantasies making way to labored breaths, the idea of a person making a home in your mind, even when the nights are long and lonely. You can't find it in yourself to feel guilty.
Characters/Pairing(s): Hongjoong X Reader
Genre: Smut, angst if you squint
AUs/Trope info: Non-Idol!AU, Co-workers!AU, Pining (whether its mutual or not is up to interpretation)
Word Count: 1k
Warnings: suggested masturbation
Rating: 18+
A/N: taylor didnt have to alter my brain chemistry with TTPD but she did. For @cultofdionysusnet's flower event! My flower is Camellia (yellow) - longing!
Drowning in the Blue Nile
He sent me 'Downtown Lights'
I hadn't heard it in a while
Your co-worker, Hongjoong, sent you another song recommendation. This was a song you haven’t heard in a while, maybe too long. The melody calmed your anxious heart, soothing and comforting in a way that was familiar. Like flowers blooming in your mother's garden in the spring.
This cage was once just fine
Am I allowed to cry?
Isolation wasn't something new to you, the usual silence used to be comforting, but now it just feels like a trap, a curse, a cage. The silence made it impossible to fight back against your thoughts.
I dream of cracking locks
Throwing my life to the wolves
Or the ocean rocks
Crashing into him tonight
Your thoughts of your devilishly handsome co-worker. Constantly plaguing your mind in a way that only he could, making a home in a dark crevice in your brain where you kept all your deepest thoughts, rooting his feet into it, never leaving.
He's a paradox
I'm seeing visions, am I bad?
Or mad? Or wise?
It almost drove you mad, how badly you wanted him, hoping, wishing, praying that this man would look your way in the way that you wanted him to, to long for you like you longed for him.
What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze
Oh what a way to die
It was a fate worse than death, to pine for someone like this. It was almost shameful enough to make it a struggle to meet his eyes. You couldn’t look at him in the fear that he could see into your mind, and the thoughts you're having of him.
I keep recalling things we never did
Messy top lip kiss
How I long for our trysts
You wish to kiss him, so deeply, lips molding into one with the desire to never stop. Longing for someone like this is almost suffocating, to want to deeply that it haunts your waking hours.
I keep these longings locked
In lowercase inside a vault
You keep these thoughts locked away, stewing in your own guilt as you try to shake away the feeling of shame from thinking of him in such a way.
Someone told me
There's no such thing as bad thoughts
Only your actions talk
Still, you rationalize that thinking this way is normal. You're an adult, it's normal to long for someone's touch, to feel their skin against yours in a way that only lovers have the privilege of feeling.
These fatal fantasies
Giving way to labored breath
Taking all of me
We've already done it in my head
You say this to yourself as you feel the warmth of your own skin under your palms, goosebumps litter your skin in their wake as you imagine his hands running down your body, closer and closer to where you wanted him the most. Pressing his fingers into your sensitive skin, making you gasp at the simple stimulation.
If it's make believe
Why does it feel like a vow
We'll both uphold somehow?
There's a possibility that this could happen. He's single, open to the possibility of a relationship, you think he likes you enough. It may be delusional to think that he's thinking the same thing about you, touching himself to the thought of having you, but fuck it, dreaming is free.
What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze
Oh what a way to die
Gasp and soft moans fall from your lips delicately, fire burning in your blood, running through your veins just under your skin, the heat of his pretend touch made everything more overwhelming, pressure building deliciously in your stomach, twisting and turning violently, almost ready to snap.
My bedsheets are ablaze
I've screamed his name
Building up like waves
Crashing over my grave
Reaching your climax to the thought of him, his name leaving your lips in a chant, a prayer, even. Your mind is clouded with lust, ears filling with cotton as the rest of the world fades from you, the force of your orgasm knocking the wind out of your lungs
What if I roll the stone away?
They're gonna crucify me anyway
What if the way you hold me
Is actually what's holy?
Coming down from your high, you imagine Hongjoong taking his time to help you come down, to clean you up and take care of you like he always does. To hold you in his arms, hearing his heartbeat in his chest as you both calm your breathing, basking in the warmth of the afterglow.
If long suffering propriety
Is what they want from me
They don't know how you've haunted me
So stunningly
You always think of him, not just when you're lusting for his touch in the bedroom. But in everyday life. You imagine living with him in domesticity, waking up everyday to his face, sharing important milestones with him, filling your heart with love for him and love from him.
I choose you and me
... Religiously
He was chaos, he was revelry. His bedroom eyes were a remedy for your endless Isolation. You'd worship the ground he walked on if only he'd do the same for you. People told you there are more people who were willing to fill your need for company, but you'd choose him over the idea of anyone else.
What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze
Oh what a way to die
You wanted to be his, you want him to be yours. In a way that nobody else could have. A deep and unyielding connection between two passionate souls, twin flames, hopeless romantics, lovers.
I keep recalling things we never did
Messy top lip kiss
How I long for our trysts
Without ever touching his skin
How can I be guilty as sin?
#cultofdionysusnet#wonderlandnet#kvanity#k-lables#kwritersworldnet#Hiraya-M#pyeonghongrie#Guilty as Sin?#ateez#ateez fanfic#ateez imagines#ateez x reader#ateez fluff#ateez hongjoong#hongjoong x reader#hongjoong#ateez scenarios#ateez smut#codn: spring24
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still thinking about the other day when i was chatting with someone online and he casually mentioned his husband like wow love is real guys
#so many of the people i talk to irl are constantly looking for a relationship#in and out of short lived ones#and primarily het relationships#(not a lot of queer people where i am...)#and i'm genuinely not sure i've had a conversation with a man in a long term relationship with another man#meanwhile i've never been in a relationship period#and have been pining over having something for ages#so legit casually mentioning ''my husband'' has made me go wow#love is real and possible and all around us#(i'm not ''lonely'' per se#i'm not constantly wishing for a relationship#but i think it'd be nice ya know#someone to hang with someone who cares#someone to watch a movie with and lean on)
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no bc it's soooooo so so funny how the movie first empathizes that kai & oogway were brothers in arms only to slap the "no homo" bandaid the second the narrative focused on just how good friends they were
#kai: i loved him#some DW executive: LIKE BROTHERS#i'm sorry its just SOMEONE took a look at how bitter-ex kai reads#that all the other masters are alung around his belt but oogway is kept to his heart; that he constantly talks to and taunts the charm like#he's actually there‚ that his MAIN MOTIVATION is 'he broke my heart‚ so i'm breaking his stuff'#& THEIR BANTER.#& realized they made their relationship a little tooooo homoromantic for their liking#i loved it‚ honestly‚ and i think it's precisely that heartache and spite that made kai such a neat villain#i wish they'd harped on it more#kfp#kfp 3#kaiway
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I think we should bring back basic etiquette lessons such as shutting the fuck up when you’re watching a movie in a group that is not exclusively your friend group 🙂
#welcome to another Mick Airs Out Their Grievances and by god is it a VERY long one#prob best if u don't expand the tags#am I being maybe a bit meaner about this than I would be for any other movie? maybe but pac rim is one of my favorite movies of all time#so I think I get a pass on this one.#one of the groups on campus is hosting movie nights & I went to this one bc I've only ever watched pac rim on my laptop and wanted to watch#it on a larger screen. yay yippee I love this movie!#there r maybe 10-ish of us in this room and a three person friend group is sitting on the couch one of whom has seen the movie and two who#have not. okay so far so normal.#and then the movie starts and they won't! stop! fucking! commentating! the whole fucking movie!!! I don't have a problem with doing that#when I'm in just my friend group because I know that I can tell my friend to stop talking or pause the movie or whatnot but not when I'm in#a large group w people I'm not good friends with ffs#and the comments aren't even funny or anything they're all oh this is JUST like in iron widow!! oh they're SO gay and autistic!!! and#they're talking so loud about this that it completely drowns out the movie audio which has already been turned up a few times#like. be considerate!! some of us want to yknow actually listen to what's going on and not whatever bullshit you're saying#I nearly walked out three or four times before I actually wound up doing so#I may have been a bit of a bitch at the end but I don't care. I got up to leave because this was not an enjoyable environment and one of#them offered to turn the movie down if it was too loud. this caught me a bit off guard since I expected them to still be so wrapped up in#their convo and. well. I may have said 'it's not the movie that's too loud' before closing the door#this also reminds me a lot about my issues with online shipping culture and it bleeding through into how we interact with media irl#this is probably heavily influenced by my aromanticism but I'm so sick of people constantly reading romantic relationships into everything#AND placing more importance on those relationships than any other form. I don't mind romance in media. I think if done right it has great#emotional impact on a story but when a movie is running and when other people who may not want to hear it are in the room watching it too#is not the time to be loudly saying 'he's autistic!' 'they're in love!' 'she has a crush on him!'#I have my own interpretations of the movie some of which agree with what they said and some of which don't but that's beside the point of#knowing how to coexist politely in public#anyway. I think they were awful and annoying and they ruined my night out.#I think I'm just so incredibly mad about this because I love the movie and I was looking forward to watching it in a group of people who#found it cool as well while still having some modicum of politeness#I almost wish I had been meaner but that's the extreme annoyance talking I think#hater hour over love u guys bye
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This is a personal post.
so many people I know are burned out I am burned out and I want to fix that but can't
why must everything be so stressful. for everyone.
#random personal stuff#I'm trying to be therapy for my mom & I'm concerned about my dad who probably wouldn't accept the help he needs even if you handed it to hi#so many issues but somehow my family is perpetually stuck in circles where people care more about their delicate little egos and preserving#the status quo than solving problems and caring about others as fellow human beings#not to mention the unhealthy relationship with work and constantly doing things in order to earn worth#my parents are run ragged and I don't know if anyone around them cares or if they themselves even know how to stop#I live six or seven hours away and can't be there often#but I'm not even sure how much help I could be even if I were there#on the other hand there's another part of me that wishes I could Fight people about The Nonsense#and drop a truth bomb on them like: You All Care More About [Trivial Thing] Than How You Treat Your Brothers & Sisters in Christ#(not that I would but it is tempting)
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Honestly? Did I want more from DTAMHD? Yes, I did. I wanted something signifying actual progression for Dennis' character (even just a crumb of genuine growth) , and I sincerely don't think we got that. However... we did get a fascinating insight into the process of his mind. Dennis' level of self-denial is so ironic and profound. He can't acknowledge the inevitability that he's middle-aged.
(I swear this episode honestly has given me an alt hc, that the show is based in his mind; because logistically, a man of his lifestyle and malnourishment could not commit the feats he is constantly sailing through. TGGB & DTAMHD... back-to-back? What happened to his hand? Did he even sprain it? Or is he just the most dramatic brat in the gang - clearly the latter.)
It is important to note that he didn’t fix the actual problem. He momentarily masked the symptoms, but ignore long-term help with blood pressure medicine is not going to fix the issue, nor is it going to protect him from fucking keeling over in a stressful situation (when he's not in a contained and quiet Doctor's exam room) and his blood pressure spikes.
I'm honestly a little jaded at this point (16 Fucking Seasons of crumbs, y'all), but if one were to continue 'trusting the structure' this episode conveyed a lot.
The B Plot: The pressure cooker. The metaphor parallels the building pressure Dennis quick-tempered bouts of rage. So, to toss out a little 'cat-in-the-wall' conjecture here: The pressure cooker is Dennis, but we all saw him eat that bloody diamond in the end and we all heard Mac's speech about coal turning into diamonds under massive pressure. Dennis' experience is a theory of pressure, he daydreams it all in the span of a minute or so. He's roleplaying with hypothetical obstacles. There's no risk. Maybe Dennis, isn't the pressure cooker, but the coal.
If I were to try and take anything hopeful out of this episode, it would be the way the narrative is showing us that this episode acknowledged that Dennis isn't ready yet. It's not his turn to break. It's going to take real, substantial pressure to get that diamond.
It was a hell of a misdirect (and honestly a little bit of a slap in the face), but if these characters live in the real world, where people are bound by the laws of mortality, then Dennis should have his time.
Genuinely, who fucking knows?
I'm not hating on the episode. We all know this is the trashy dick joke sitcom. I just thought that if Mac & Charlie could have moments of genuine heartbreak, culminating in deep catharsis, that maybe Dennis could have that too.... but no.
Can't wait to see the sunny dudebros miss the point & proclaim Dennis Reynolds - SA victim, traumatized individual with an emotionally tumultuous personality disorder - the new Andrew Tate.
I'm sorry, but yeah. I'm a little miffed. It was all a dream, and everything goes Dennis' way. Y'all I'm fucking tired. This was a great episode for Glenn, but a fucking frustrating episode for Dennis. I may have wanted a little macden, but all I cared about was seeing Dennis face the limitations of his mortality, to see that he's failing his body and his brain. He didn't have to actually take the medicine (I wouldn't expect him to), but Goddammit, everything seems to work out in his delusional favor. So, of course he's going to continue being delusional, and probably only change for the worse.
I'll say it: I wanted a broken Dennis, and we did not get that. He didn't even crack, the unbearble and apparently now canonical Golden God. That episode's title was intended to tease sunnyblr.
Excuse the plethora of tags. I just kept getting more irritated.
#what i take from the episode is further insight to the lengths of Dennis' repression which adds to my fic#iasip s16#i will say this: i can't dislike this episode solely because of how phenomenal glennjamin's performance was.#I'd say I'm retracting the title of macden 'truther'. I'm still a stan. but this ep made me realize dennis is too coddled by the narrative#with TGGB he's constantly winning. even the game he doesn't stay to watch the end of. his body performing near miracles. wtf#the real reason I'm seriously bothered is the sunny dudebros. they already idolize dennis#this ep has only made it worse because the obvious point of Dennis' actual delusions will go right over their heads.#anybody with a grounded sense of reality can tell you that dennis did not solve a problem#he dreamt up a scenario in some kind of toxic meditation session. he's getting older. and his denial is metastasizing#Dennis' denial isn't sustainable. I'm kind of cutting off my investment in that regard. he's a fucking mess & he's currently being idolized#dennis reynolds#definitely not my favorite episode. not bc of lack of macden. a little bc Den needs limitations. mainly bc 'it was all a dream' is cheap#ranting.excuse me for wanting 1 of my fave characts actually have his poor health.self-destructive coping mechanism/trauma acknowledged#can't believe i was actually afraid i wouldn't be able to write because too much might happen in DTAMHD...! 🤣#it should've all happened. but instead ended w/him getting charges pressed when he tried to break into ceo's home#ngl. this one hurt. I'm ready for Mac to give up on Dennis. i just wish this fucking show would let him.#excuse me while i go bawl like a baby watching MFHP. because I'm heartbroken that Dennis' BPD makes him push Mac away.#let's just say that realization has been bogging me down in my personal life the last couple of days. & this bummed me out.#Robert McElhenney. I'm outside the studio screaming at you to just let Mac move on & actually meet someone!#I'm not saying he deserves a relationship. but fuck... after 40 yrs of repression can he at least have a fling & fall out of love w/Den?#Dennis won't ever let him meet someone. & he'll never treat Mac like he actually cares about him.bc his own vulnerability terrifies him.😭
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dude. i am such a fucking selfish piece of shit.
#aghhhhhh yikes!!!!!!!!! yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i am so awful awful awful awful#& the worst part is it doesnt matter what i do because everything comes from terrible selfish motives#because i am just intrinsically BAD and i have never known how to do anything good#even when i am TRYING to be good & like treat people right i just. am failing. constantly.#like i am just such a self obsessed bitch. i'm so done i'm SO done .#i wish everyone would just TELL me!! just like ... SAY that i'm an awful person. & leave.#i am getting so tired of knowing that there's something bad bad bad about me & waiting for everyone else to also know it#or maybe they all know it already & theyre just not saying#which actually might be the case because if i weren't a bad person i think my life might be different#like i feel like my relationships wouldn't all look like this if i WEREN'T a bad person#like my mom told me for years that i was a bad person. my best friend of 8 years basically stopped caring about me the second i was out of#sight. i have NEVER been someone that people can love without changing a significant part of myself#& i think that's because i'm deeply wrong & bad#i actually can't tell at this point whether i'm trying to be better or if i've just convinced myslef that i am#i don't know i'm just ljke. whatever. okay. whatever! i'm just so selfish and bad. i'm so so so bad.#i feel so bad right now i need someone to punch me in the face or like stab me in the heart#**** ****** ** ******* ** ******* ***** * ******* **** ** ** *****#sorryy. okay. someone should fucking murder me like straight up i should be euthanized or something. bye#hello world
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#okay I'm talking in the tags of this post cause shit is happening in my life and I gotta talk about it somewhere#one part of it is my step brother crashing and burning before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop his own destructive actions#so it's just me watching this poor kid ruin his relationships and blame everything and everyone around him as he does so#despite the fact that he's undeniably been treated horribly at times- he's just turned that anger back onto others and himself#and I have no idea what to feel as I watch him get arrested. have drug problems. because I'm just waiting for the inevitable spiral#it doesn't help that my mom has been comparing us and saying that I'm the much better child and she wishes he was like me#not understanding that I could’ve been him if I was just more angry at the world at that age instead of being so sad and scared#and that leads me to my fucking mom cause like- I love her. we've been through alot of bad shit with her#I've almost done some really bad shit for her and I know that she loves me more than anything else#but it feels like its been getting more and more suffocating cause I'm not sure she's able to start seeing me as an adult#and start loosening her grip around me and let me breathe. to have my own experiences without her by my side#to be able to go places and imagine a future without her constantly by my side#she talks and it's like she doesn't even think to wonder that perhaps I want to form my own experiences#and experience the world on my own terms because I feel like I've spent my whole life having so little damn control#religious family. shit and neglectful father who turned into the exact opposite and nearly killed me. family who refuses to listen and talk#having to move and run immediately. put survival above all else. go to school. get out. and god I just wanna breathe#she loves me so much and I love her too. but I feel like I'll be sooner crushed if I stick here for long enough#I'm just mad that my life has been nothing but absolutely no love. sudden waves of intense love. absolutely nothing. sudden spike#and I feel like I'm just finally starting to form good. healthy relationships on my own terms and actually make friends#because I had no idea what I was doing when I was a kid cause I was so fucking lonely and hurting#now I just. gotta figure out how to tell my mom that I can't carry this expectation that I'll continue to stay forever by her side#it just feels like I'm her child first and a person second. and it sucks. it really sucks.#ough. spins and spins and spins and spins-
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one thing i don't like about myself though is that i am all or nothing. either i'm devoted to you or i couldn't give a shit
#and i wish i cared more about people but it just doesn't come naturally at all#like not just romantically!! this goes for all kinds of relationships#and i very rarely miss people either#which is why it tends to catch me so off guard when i get attached#and when i'm attached well I'M ATTACHED#i'm spamming you w every thought#i'm constantly hoping you're having a good day#i daydream about you 24/7#and that's not an exaggeration bc i am actually a maladaptive daydreamer like it's a Problem#why can't i find a middle ground#i mean i've been getting verrrryyyy slowly better w the YES caring part#like not hinging everything on them but it's sooo hard#blue screams into the void
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ugh why is almost every bpd corner of the internet full of ob.slo.ve and yan.dere stuff like. part of me gets it. I've been there, I've had my symptoms be super bad, I really do get it. but honestly just seeing that kind of shit feels like it makes my clinginess even worse.
idk it's complicated because I don't wanna blame others for the way they cope w a disorder that rlly does feel like hell on earth ++ makes you feel like shit but also. that kind of stuff and imagery can be super upsetting when you're actively trying to pull yourself away from that kind of behavior? idk does this make sense
#➳ valentin vents#like i was looking for comfort. for uh. idk. some kind of reminder I'm not a bad partner or friend or being in general.#and that even though i probably maybe have an fp again i can manage it and not let my urges to either cut contact or become possessive to a#highly damaging degree control me and become a reality#that even though I've been hurt and abused I won't be that way. that i can avoid hurting those i love. that i can live the life I've wanted#since i was little with good relationships and not being constantly hurt or risking hurting others or what have you#erm. and then idk. seeing people being the way i used to be and am trying to no longer be. idk. kinda just fucked me up a little.#and again i totally get it and i wish everybun hurting rn and feeling that way peace and ways 2 manage their symptoms bc i know it SUCKS#but idk. again. still. doesthis make any sense. am i spouting nonsense
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12/30/2023
I'm well aware at this point that this is nothing more than a virtual diary, and tbh I kinda like it that way. I've very recently started being more active again on tumblr and, as is my routine, started scrolling back through my text posts (especially the private ones -- wow there are so many hahaha), and had a wild time reliving the past.
I think it was a private one, but the most recent (or at least one of the most recent) was about Connor, back when we were both still in California. Ironically, we're both back in NC now, and even though I think about them a lot, I'm very relieved I haven't run into them. Thanks to some intel from my sister, I avoid the food lion in our hometown at all costs.
Something I kept thinking though was, it never had to get to that point. We were never meant to be friends that long, and in fact I don't think we were really even meant to be best friends past high school. Maybe even in high school. I mean some of this I've realized on my own ofc, but reading back over how I felt at the time...
Dude that whole friendship started because they fell in love with Kristen, their first best friend, but she was straight and stopped being so close with them after that. I've always been tender hearted and eager for love in any form, and so when they suddenly turned and looked at me and said ok we can be best friends now, instead of being offended that I wasn't appreciated until they had no other option, I excitedly ran into their arms. My family never liked them either, which I should have taken as a red or at least yellow flag, but instead it just made me cling to them more. At some point, my dad trying to tell me that it's ok for high school friendships to falter in college, just fueled my determination to hang onto it no matter how miserable I was.
They literally always took me for granted, and while I think they lowkey hated me, they loved the space that I filled in their life. And the fact that despite all of that, at our absolute worst I was wracked with guilt and pain and tried my hardest to work out my own frustrations on my own instead of calling them out for their toxic and shitty behavior? I understand why I did it, but goddamn I wish I hadn't had to.
Anyway.
I'm back in NC now, just had my first real Christmas in 6 years (or longer if we're not counting the ones where my family and I felt estranged even when I was physically there). It was wonderful and my heart is full. I've been able to see my old friends all the time whether we're playing dnd or not, and I've missed them so much. There have been moments of tension for me lately in that regard but overall I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm in this townhouse for another month and then I'll have to move again, and my roommate is currently silently moving her stuff out today even though we've got another month. I have a new job working at a vet office as a "pet counselor" and I love it.
There's not much going on for me right now except financial stress, planning for my future, and finally getting to spend time with people I love without reserve. But even so, the whole situation with Connor has been so heavy on my mind lately and I just wanted a space to grieve on that for a bit. Not to grieve the end of the friendship, but to grieve the time I lost while putting off the end.
#I feel like if anyone reads this with no concept of my friendship with Connor#they're gonna be like#???#bro it's not that deep#it's just a friendship#but like#you don't understand#we were best friends for 9 years#but even tht doesn't do it justice#it was more like a queer platonic relationship#before I ever knew I was queer people who knew us CONSTANTLY thought we were dating or in love or whatever#I used to desperately wish I had romantic feelings for them so I could justify the friendship being as close as it was#and also because I often felt like they wanted that#my brother hacked my Facebook once to make a status about Connor and me running away together to get married and being in love#which was obviously a joke#a not funny one but still a joke#and the amount of people who were like omg I always knew#I'm so happy for you#like#it was wild#and when I eventually had to go YALL my brother was pranking me its not real#it was so uncomfy for everyone#it was honestly very homoerotic#except I was not even remotely attracted to them#no matter how much I tried to get myself to feel that way#I don't know how else to really describe it#they always said we were soulmates but just as best friends#and I didn't really agree but i spouted it anyway because I wanted love and approval#honestly that friendship and the way it ended all feels more visceral than my romantic exes#the only exception probably being my abusive ex who I almost married
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#literally told my psychiatrist today that despite things not really improving i was feeling better#and in the few hours since then i've just been reminded that i'm still a useless broke bitch who doesn't have shit and does nothing#everytime this fucking pc starts fucking up i just melt down#bc i know at some point it's just gonna stop working and i can't replace it#and it's the only good thing i have#i've been using an almost 10yo phone with a cracked screen for most of the year bc i don't have money for a new one#and it wasn't a good phone even 10 years ago#and i just feel like a piece of cheap trash just like it#it seems like i'm breakint down over nothing but jesus fucking christ the sensation of not having anything palpable to your name#not a job no accomplishments no possessions no relationships#all i have is this shit ass pc that's constantly in the process of dying and that makes me go insane at least once a month#i'm so fucking tired of meding old broken shit#simply because i have no other recourse#wish i wasn't such a colossal fuck up#wish i was someone else. i suck.
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