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brassknucklespeirs · 8 months

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ɢʀɪᴇꜰ ɪꜱ ꜰɪᴄᴋʟᴇ [ʀɪᴄʜᴀʀᴅ ᴡɪɴᴛᴇʀꜱ x ꜰ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ]

The feeling was so strong, and honestly not in the good way. It took over her body, clenching and squeezing at her muscles and causing a tension that took over her very being. And yet through it all, her mind gave her constant conflicting messages; you're fine, you're not sad, you're not in pain, you're not grieving, you're completely and utterly fine. She was exhausted from trying to keep up with herself, and it showed. Her closest friends, Bill and Joe, would have seen the change in her. It wasn't a big change, but the usually happy and witty friend of theirs turned maniac, and everything she did became erratic. She didn't seem quite right, though those who didn't know her well would not think much of it, for she was okay just enough to hold it together.

But Joe and Bill weren't there anymore, having been hit in Bastogne and both sent back to the States with injuries that would see they would not be returning. She had reminisced on a similar feeling she had after they had jumped into Carentan. At the time, Y/N wasn't sure how she was feeling, and there was a constant back and forth in her emotions that she was trying to juggle like a bad circus act. She had thought back on how she had sat staring wide eyed at a replacement who had been shot right before her eyes, a young teenager who would have had his whole life ahead of him, now reduced to nothing but a lifeless body at her feet.

"I'm fine, I promise." She had muttered breathlessly to Toye who sat with her on the truck, looking worried as his friend held a bewildered gaze, staring into space without a single thought in her eyes that swum with tears.

"I don't know if that's quite true, but regardless, I'm here, and I always will be." Joe had spoke softly, pressing a gentle kiss to her head, before pulling back and running a reassuring thumb over her cheek, a smile on his lips. Bill had sat on her other side, wrapping an arm over her shoulder, gently tugging her towards him with a grin on his own lips. She remembered those smiles, as if they were engrained in her mind, a memory brought out at any moment she needed it.

But now, she was left without Joe or Bill, both of whom had been her support, her constants. Though it was a sweet gesture meant to calm her jittery bones, the expressions on her best friends' faces would seemingly follow her like a ghost, constantly haunting her steps at every corner she took. When Joe and Bill were hit, Y/N knew how she felt. She was lost, truly and utterly. The two pillars that helped her stand constantly were knocked down themselves and she felt she had nothing to hold her up. Everything turned dark, like the night sky was perpetual, however not the beautiful star filled sky, but a blanketed cloudy night with a catastrophic storm brewing. The winds of change blew her left and right and she struggled to hold on to herself. She watched as Buck lost himself to it, and she pondered whether she would too; she honestly thought she was a goner at that point.

Y/N remembered Joe's words. I'm here, and I always would be. Liar. She thought hopelessly as she clung to herself, arms wrapped around her torso as she rocked herself back and forth. She had ensured no one else was around; it was simply splintered trees and that grieving girl.

In a way, she did lose herself. Everyone watched as she became a shell of herself, merely a solider forced to fight. She was on autopilot, just awake enough to be able to reassure people she was fine, before going back to her stoic, tight jawed expression. She was haunted, she was tired, and she was so utterly over seeing those she cared for being diminished to nothing but a memory. It was driving her mad with grief. She had lost her ability to handle it, and instead had resorted to simply not dealing with it. She had flicked that switch in her mind that dealt with grief, with loss, and had become nothing but a solider, ready to take on the world with nothing to lose.

Dick had found her there, in amongst the snow, shivering and on her way to tears as she seemed to whisper words to herself, speaking her thoughts aloud. He paused his steps, wondering if he should announce himself, but the man couldn’t stop himself as his heart ached for the woman.

"Sergeant L/N." He called gently. She stood immediately, her movements fast and aggressive as she all but snapped her heels together, as if she was the perfect, well oiled machine of a solider.

"Captain Winters, sir." She replied, voice devoid of emotion as she forced herself to hold it together, like a default setting she was ready to flick on when she needed. He stared at her, head tilting the slightest amount while he studied her carefully.

"Y/N," He began, and she felt the default setting turn off as soon as her name left his lips, like the false portrayal of this fighter had melted away to show nothing but the diminished woman she felt herself to be.

"Dick," She whispered back, her shoulders dropping to show her true feelings. He stepped forward, grabbing her hand gently as he tugged her forward towards him. Her jaw tightened and slacked with every other second, as she was trying to stop herself from feeling certain emotions, not wanting to show how hurt and lost she truly felt.

"Talk to me sweetheart." He said quietly, drawing her closer to him so they stood almost chest to chest, his eyes intently staring at her. She wanted to hold back, wanted to pretend she was fine, but something about the man made it hard to do so. She looked up at him, the man who had been a constant thought in the back of her mind, the kind of dream she would hope she'd see every night but never be able to have while she was awake. And yet he stood here before her, staring at her with such a soft gaze, one that she thought she would only see while she slept, as if she was the only thing that mattered to him in that moment. They had always had something lingering in the space between them since they had first met during basic training, but it seemed neither had the time to explore further as they were thrown full force into the war. But even then, the lingering eyes and protective manner in which Dick moved around her showed her that he was fully aware of it.

"I just…there so many things going through my head. Like when I'm dead and gone…will they remember me? Will I be anything to anyone? Will I be worth the talk?" The woman muttered, the words dripping from her lips like syrup, slow and thick, emotion encompassing every syllable.

"To me, you will." Winters said softly, so softly that if the wind was blowing any harder it might have wasted away, never to be heard. But she heard it, and it made her snap her head in his direction, eyes watering as she gazed at him. Her visions blurred with tears and she felt her knees grow weak before she dropped to them, but he wrapped his arms around her frail body to stop her from meeting the ground harshly as the sobs that so desperately needed to come fell from her lips. His hand running along her spine reassuringly as he held her close, letting her feel what she must to

Dick felt his throat constrict, his own emotion coming forth as he heard her heart wrenching cries, and flash backs of his own grief came back to him. He saw the young SS soldier, saw his dropping smile and his bright eyes. He saw his body jolt in his mind as his bullet hit the boy in the chest, before he saw his body hit the ground. Dick's arms tightened around the woman, his hand finding its way to the back of her head as he cradled it to sit in the space between his jaw and shoulder.

"I know. I know." He whispered to her, his mind recounting the faces of the soldier who were under his command that had lost their lives to this war. His eyebrows pulled together as tears gathered in his eyes, but he gulped down the feeling as he held her. "It's..it's not easy, and it feels never ending, I know. But, you're….you're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. And I know you don't feel like you can but…I know you can keep going, for Joe and Bill, for yourself." He muttered.

"I…I just feel so heavy Dick." She choked out as she pulled her face from his neck and gazed up at him with red rimmed, wet eyes. He nodded his head as he returned her gaze, showing his own teary eyes.

"Then let me carry some of it," He replied, "Let me take some of the weight sweetheart." He continued, squeezing her hand he had moved to grab.

"How?" She whispered so softly that he almost didn't hear her.

"Talk, let it out, cry, let me hold you tighter, do what you have to. I'm here for it all." He said, trying to prompt her to feel.

"People have said that in the past and now they're gone." Y/N said honestly, her heart clenching in her chest painfully as she thought of Joe and Bill.

"Well I can't promise anything, and you know that. But for this very moment, let me take some of the weight." Dick said gently, running his fingers through the hair that wasn't covered by her helmet. His words echoed on her head, and she felt her body loosen. She knew she didn't know what would happen, but for now? For now she could try her best at handling everything if he held her hand through it.

"O…okay." She whispered as she let her head rest on his shoulder. It was as if the physical contact between them had let her weight transfer to him slightly, as if every moment she spent in his embrace she was able to breathe more. She didn’t feel as though she needed to cry anymore, she felt as though she simply needed to stay enveloped in his arms. Y/N pulled away from him eventually, her eyes drier and her heart less heavy as she gazed up at him.

"Thank you Dick." She whispered to him causing him to smile.

"Of course, anything for you." He replied quietly and her heart jumped at his words. They stared at each other for a few moments, and with every second, they seemed to grow closer to one another. Dick pressed his lips softly against hers after a moment, and Y/N welcomed the feeling, returning the kiss with the same gentle passion. They pulled away not long after, not wanting to get caught up in each other, but ensuring that there was enough there to express one another's feelings. They stared at each other once more as they pulled away, eyes full with a fondness that had always been there but never truly expressed.

As time went on, she felt lighter, not like the entire weight of her feelings had disappeared, but like every time her knees were ready to buckle under the weight he was there to hold some of it for her. Dick seemed to be a new constant, not a replacement of Bill and Joe, but something new. She wasn't sure if she was thinking too much into it but she felt as though this felt different. His eyes lingered on her just a little longer, his gaze always questioning her wellbeing in a way that a leader, or even a close friend, wouldn't do. His gaze held more of an affectionate gentleness, something she had only dreamed of.

That night at the Eagle's nest, many of the men had gathered to drink and celebrate the victory in Europe, elated by the surrender of the German army and their allies. But Y/N was tired, and felt herself in serious need of rest. She hadn't been able to see Dick in a couple of days passed the odd wide eyed gaze across the room, and she felt herself grow heavy. She had stayed in her room until Luz had come to visit, asking if she was joining them. She smiled sweetly at him, but the emotion struggled to reach her drooping eyes as she did.

"I just…need some time alone please." Y/N said to George, a small reassuring smile on her lips as she stood by her bedroom door.

"Of course, let us know if you need something." Luz replied with a large grin, one that she was very used to. She smiled fondly at him before nodding gratefully.

"Thanks George." The man smiled once more before wandering off to see the other men, leaving Y/N by herself. She sighed as she closed the door, letting her shoulders slump while she leant against the door. She went to walk over to her bed to sit for a moment, but another knock sounded on the door and she turned back to it again with a quiet groan. She swung the door open, expecting one of the enlisted men to be there, asking her to come drink with them but was surprised to see Winters standing there. He looked at her with a small smile, his hands playing with the fabric of his hat that was grasped between his fingers.

"I can go if you need some time alone." Dick spoke suddenly, and she broke out of her moment of admiring him

"No!" Y/N blurted out, her voice louder than she intended. Her eyes widened at herself, before clearing her throat awkwardly. "No. Please…stay." She uttered, her voice much quieter now as if she was questioning her own words. Dick let a small smile cover his lips as he nodded, stepping further into the room as he closed the door gently.

"How are you feeling?" He asked fondly as he looked at her, the both of them standing in the middle of her room.

"Um…better, in a way. But not so much in others." Y/N replied with a small smile, her eyes flickering between his face and her hands that she was clenching and unclenching in front of her. "I don't know how I'm ever going to get over what this war had made me feel. How will i…how will I ever explain this to people who don't understand?" She said as she looked at him fully. His face took on an empathetic softness, and he stepped closer to her, his hands finding their way to her shoulders.

"I don't know if you ever will be able to. I'm quite sure I won't be able to." Dick spoke with a gentleness that she had been hoping to hear. His hand moved to her face, his thumb running over the skin below her eye and along her cheekbone. "But…you don’t have to be able to explain it to me." He finished with a smile that made her feel safe, her chest feeling less constricted until a thought crossed her mind and it came back once again.

"But you won't always be there, will you?" Y/N whispered, a sadness taking over her expression. Dick took a deep breath, his adam's apple bobbing as thought over his next words.

"Who ever said that?" He spoke, and he seemed so sure of himself. She looked up at him again, eyes wide and eyebrows furrowed.

"What…what do you mean?" She questioned, fiddling with her fingers unconsciously. He let a smile grace his lips as he reached for her hands, untangling them before interlinking them with his.

"I mean…I…" He began, though he seemed to trip up on his words. "I would like you to come back with me, after…this." He continued, his cheeks growing slightly red. "Only if you want to." He finished quickly. Y/N's breath caught in her throat for a moment as she stared at their hands.

"What…me? You want me to come back with you after the war?" She said with wide eyes, her mind swimming with thoughts, overthinking to the point where she questioned whether she had made up the words he spoke in her mind.

"Well…yes." He said with a slight tension to his sentence.

"I….okay." She whispered, looking up at him again, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she did. His face broke out into a large smile, his eyes lighting up happily.

"Well…that's good." Dick said, his face showing relief. Y/N felt her own face break into a smile as she stared up at him.

"That is good." She replied, and they both shared a smile before Y/N leaned forward and pecked his lips gently. His face showed a shy bewilderment that caused her to giggle quietly. His lips twitched at her laugh before he leaned forward and pressed another kiss to her lips, pulling her closer.

"It means you won't ever have to carry everything by yourself. Not now and not ever." He whispered as he pulled away, a genuine loving care in his eyes. She smiled at his words, eyes swimming with tears. He returned her smile, pressing his lips to her forehead gently before looking down at her once more. "I won't ever let you feel that way again."

#here have a random ramble i just wrote in an hour #idk wtf this is but it's feelings so...#take it or leave it #gods i am in my sad girl emotions rn #FUCKKKKK #find me the nearest mountain i can climb and scream off #richard winters x reader #band of brothers x reader #band of brothers fanfic #band of brothers drabble #i really don't know wtf this is #so don't come for my throat please #i'm sensitive rn #dick winters x reader

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