Thank you For making me feel alive again For making me believe in myself again For making me have passion again For saving me There's no words out there that can describe how I feel without me sounding cheesy and corny, but you have no idea how much you helped me rediscover myself. I wish there were more times when I could see you. Maybe one day.. we could do it all again Thank you so much for that day of January 8th, 2023 @jampreserves @banyanas

I'm not sure I deserve this guy as part of my life in any capacity... 🥹🥲

I don't think he even realizes how much better he made my day..🖤

I have never met someone who was this passionate about far away rocks. He asked about the velocity of moons, details about the first three Earth-like planets in every pause she made to take a breath. When she was explaining something to us he was sitting impatiently wanting the end, that is another chance for a question. And an answer, because the teacher knew them all. If the two of them were locked in one room for long enough, they'd surely create a new theory of universe.

I really would want the world to be lying on a tortoise's shell or be made of egg, or that God and the devil met in that weird little boat when everything was water - then I could say something, and he'd listen to me carefully and with interest shining in his carmel eyes. If he'd laugh at my incoherent attempt to explain why there is a hare on the moon (that beautiful, true melody is still in my ears), I would whisper about the Chaos.

In the moment he was speaking about the space, the accent disappeared from his voice, the habit of softening the letters in wrong places, almost childlike. When he was deprived of it, it wasn't him. I mean, it was, it was still the boy in mustard sweater, in wrong time and place, lost among us, not found between his own classmates, too, with a dream in his heart of a orchad (wahat orchad? a peach one, like me?) and a smile forcing the blush on my cheeks, just... it's like a part of him changed, like he was using a code, a language no one has ever spoken, like he was wanting to hide his passion away from the others.

In the world I love

_

In a different world

I know this is just a silly bad quality random screencap of a screencap that I found on facebook lol, BUT it's a succinct enough image to easily describe the concept in a quick/accessible way hopefully :

-

(and of course, feel free to elaborate in tags, etc.! (especially elaborating about other senses as well.. can you "hear" in your mind just as well as you can "see"? taste? etc.) It's an interesting topic to me, as someone who's like a 4.5 at MOST lol. I'm curious what option will be the most common :0c )

Genuinely don't think I've seen anyone talk about chapter 25 as a pivotal moment for Dazai so I'm gonna put this out here because I think his reactions here kind of negate that whole omnipotent Dazai interpretation which I hate with every fibre of my being.

Firstly, he's like, clearly caught off guard here. And don't try to tell me he wasn't, because this is just one instance of his genuinely horrified reaction to Q's release and when he realized what was actually going on with Atsushi, Naomi and Haruno.

Him being caught off guard carries significance here because you'd never catch him screwing up this bad later in the series - which is exactly my point.

I wrote a post earlier about how I don't think Dazai really is very much like Mori or Fyodor at all, and I stand by that, because their motives are different. Tldr for that post: Mori and Fyodor are ambitious and proactive, while Dazai is empty/numb and reactive.

What this leads me to believe is that Dazai is less a chess master like those two and more of a contingency planner - he's so good at "predicting" because he is uncannily good at thinking like his opponent and then planning for literally any possibility under the sun he can come up with. He's no gambler. Everything and everyone is practically (and unknowingly) micromanaged. It's almost paranoid in a sense, and I definitely think it's a trauma response to something he went through that we don't know about yet - after all, he was more than capable of this before he even met Mori.

...which brings to me to Mori's influence here. It's straight up like Dazai forgot how willing Mori is to gamble huge risks for a good outcome. It's like he forgot the mafia could be a real threat to his best-laid plans.

Going to throw out a wild claim here that I don't think is actually all that baseless - I think it's widely assumed that Dazai molds himself to what he needs to be (true!) but I think this misses the idea that he is also easily influenced by the mindsets of the people around him (see: the difference between Entrance Exam Dazai and early manga Dazai, the whole "the longer he was in the mafia the darker and more incomprehensible he became" thing from Stormbringer, how dark his eyes get in the prison sections with Fyodor, etc.). I could go on, but for the sake of not making this post too much longer, let's assume this is true because it suddenly makes sense as to why he failed to predict Q but predicted other events much later that were inherently more difficult to predict:

He was in the wrong mindset. He was thinking like an Agency member, and dare I say, he even got a little complacent. He started to get used to not having to manipulate every last variable - he was removed from a toxic environment - only for Mori to pretty much instantly fuck that up in one scene.

Let's also not forget what happened the last time he miscalculated Mori's intentions.

The consequences of this blunder could've been a lot worse and he knows it.

In his mind, thinking like an ADA member wasn't good enough to stop a potentially awful outcome - awful outcomes that could bring him pain. So, he goes back to what he knows - think like the demon prodigy. Think like Mori. Later on, think like Dostoyevsky. Because it seems to me that he believes as long as he is still working for the light that it doesn't matter if he uses these horrifically manipulative and inhumane methods of getting there. But he is wrong. Darkness within the context of good intentions is still very much darkness, and it hurts people all the same.

In the very next chapter, Dazai arranges Ango's car accident. And he only gets worse and worse throughout the series as he regresses back into his paranoid darkness that manifests as this omnipotent facade - his safety net that ultimately prevents him from developing in a positive, more human direction.

i think we all know it's you who never wants to leave brando

i still can’t believe paramount plus literally said “HEY. LESBIAN. LOOK.” and showed me my favorite character of all time and just i was jumping and spinning with glee they grabbed me the shoulders slapped me across the face and spit on me and said “you fool. you absolutely useless dyke. it was all a ruse. get fucked” and then deleted the whole damn thing

and if i were to make a sunny coloring book like what would our thoughts be🧐

I'll be back for more blogging eventually but real quick, a dream I had about John Milgram I just have to put down somewhere:

His role was quick and simple. He agreed to pose in a picture with me, and smiled for the camera. The emotion of the whole thing is a bit harder to explain. There was the thing with photography -- Mikoto's favored form of art being able to capture John. The art connecting both of them, though they'd always be on opposing sides (Mikoto taking pictures and John being the subject of this one). There was a sense of legacy, or proof. He said he'd "disappear" come trial 3, but now there was at least one physical record he had existed. He was here, he was happy. But at the same time, there was still a deep sadness that he would be lost -- since we've never really seen him smile, anyone who looked at the photo would think it was Mikoto. Idk, it was about being invisible and visible and being connected and being individual and breifly being happy...... it left me feeling a really mixed bittersweetness.......

im actually shaking from anger... noah schnapp WAVES around stickers that say "zionism is sexy" and proudly laughs about it. none of you can say "oh he doesn't know any better he's 19" anymore because this is just so fucking cruel and it is intentional. he liked schumer's post (full of islamophobia and misinformation, and he liked other islamophobic posts as well) and is NOW WEARING STICKERS LIKE THIS?!?! im so sick to my stomach theres no way these rich celebrities can be this cruel.

TG: do you think former president ronald reagan smacks rats

EB: sssmacks…rats?

TG: yah do you reckon he smacks rats

EB: oh yeah he TOTALLY smacks rodents—what in GOD’S NAME are we talking about

Vessel's Messages (9/9/23)

So as a continuation of this post, here are the messages from today's show in Philly. The 1st message is incomplete but I have posted the beginning (again, see this post - it has been edited to the correct transcription).

Credits to @/sleepytoken on Instagram.

Anyways. A girl is crying.

(the girl is me)

Update

Hey guys I didnt mean to disappear the way I did this month, but especially in the more recent weeks. I've been in an UNBEARABLE amount of pain with migraines almost every day for over a week and I may very well have a sinus infection (': Like I WAS diagnosed with chronic sinusitis last year iirc but this is unbearable. My throat hurts, my teeth hurt, my face hurts, I can't breathe out my nose. I feel miserable tbh.

Another reason for absence and being so slow on work is because I came really close to calling the cops on my mother in the middle of a fight not too long ago. I'm certain it would've gotten physical if Popo hadn't walked through the front door when he did. Thankfully things DIDN'T get physical, but I'm still very shaken up about it. I'm in no danger, but I'm getting around to making an official post for my [GoFundMe] that's been successfully published now. That was the last straw I just cannot handle how my cats and I are treated. It's seriously affected my workflow for far too long.

Anyway I could really use some positivity and distraction. I missed this place and I missed you guys, home life has just been.. a lot. And I'm exhausted.

2011 British gp Fernando is such a mood...

nobody asked about my love life but here it is anyways