#i wish she would come back but i dont
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It’s weird to think about my best friend who isn’t my best friend anymore. I feel weird thinking about whether she thinks of me as much as I think of her. I wonder if she wishes things turned out differently, if things didn’t end up the way they did. I think about if she had taken her meds yet, if she had lunch, what she had for lunch… Sometimes I wish I knew that the last time I hugged her was truly the last time I’ll hug her.
#ex best friend#poetry#grief#im so drained#i miss her but i dont#i wish she would come back but i dont#i hate her
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The Masks of the Kindred seek you!
#junie art post#league of legends#kindred lol#puss in boots the last wish#puss in boots#puss in boots death#el lobo#el lobo de la muerte#death the wolf#just realized it would be so funny if kindred's abilities work in this mash up au too#kindred in this au dont mind splitting up and doing solo hunts but they always come back together because theyre nEVER ONE WITHOUT THE OTH-#maybe ill make puss in this au is permanently marked with that symbol somewhere#soooo only kindred can kill him#specifically wolf#also lamb doesnt get why wolf is so offended about puss- mostly because she feels no emotions#but wolf does#ok ill rlly go back to drawing maybe rotg hiccup now- i keep procrastinating because idk what shots to draw the book and movie au#kindred!death au
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i think the most we will get is PC release (if that) this year but that means we gotta deal with those trolls bc changing angrb0da’s skin color is such a big deal to these mfs and i still dont understand that sweet baby inc shit bcuz all the information im seeing is just bundled bullshit LMFAOOO i feel like her actual character gets overshadowed by the made up problems and no one actually talks abt HER as a character or even analyses her fr (outside of here ofc) lol sms abt to make a banger with her and atreus istg
#Truth be told i dont even wanna talk abt this anymore but this topic gets brought up pretty much every week atp#How weird is it that u would only accept her if she were white#Thats literally you admitting you like her character but her being black is a deal breaker#I feel like no matter how much they want her to be a white girl changing her skin wouldnt change their opinion abt her#Theres this one (big) acct in particular thats constantly shitting on rag and its like bro u need to just leave if ur not happy#or take a long ass break and come back at times and then leave again cuz hes just miserable as fuck and yall know exactly who im talking ab#I do see more people getting annoyed with this topic and i dont blame them#its getting super out of hand and dragged out atp#Once again i do not want ppl to like her out of PITY. she deserves a very honest group of fans and if those fans are ppl#That disliked her at first but started to like her later on thats fine as long as its out of being genuine#I cannot wait for her to gain more fans fr but i have to be careful what i wish for bcuz i dont want ppl to become too crazy lol#I might just post smth on that god forsaken reddit as an appreciation post of her or smth idk yet LMFAOOO#I for sure will have to be more brave and visible with my love for her one of these days#also very grateful for that one ragnarok vp. he loves angie for sure#Anyways#Love angie for life#Gow#god of war ragnarok#rant
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I don’t cry often but dear god. I’m crying over her.
#We were friends for five years you dumb bitch.#The fall fr started over Halloween costumes bc she said we could match then when we were actually shopping#She prioritized her boyfriend over me but not even in a way we still could have matched#And she said I was unreasonable for being upset#But I finally had friends who would have done it#Then EVERYONE FUCKING FLAKED#and crush still tried but things wouldn’t have been shipped in time#Then this girl had the audacity to say everything she did when we argued#One of the girls who she claims is her best friend recently got home from a half year in the mental hospital#And they have had a total of two outings or hangouts#Then her other friend. Who she really only hung out with during her fight with cancer and not after that#But she would see me regularly#Until a month before we argued#And now I’m crying because I thought she was good#But looking back#And looking from an outsiders perspective#She’s horrivle#I know she doesn’t know my account here but gods I wish she did#L if you’re reading this. You’re a bitch. You’re a terrible friend. So unless you’re willing to change and be honest and better.#Dont talk to me. Don’t message me. Don’t come to see me at lunch or ask me to hang out.#Because I’m unwilling to work on a relationship where I’ll always be second to her boyfriend.#Sure. I have crush. But that doesn’t mean I prioritize her over my best friend. I hold them equally.#But you don’t and you never did.#L if you see this#know I’ve cried too many times over you#And I don’t think I could stop myself from arguing if I ever actually talk to you again
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WHAT THE HELL NOBODY EVER TOLD ME TWO OF MY FAVE VILLAGERS GOT A LINE STICKER TOGETHER. ive loved tabby for YEARS like since 2019 at LEAST. and these stickers are from 2018 how did i not know !!! i love tabby and boots so much 😭😭😭 TABBY AND BOOTS ANIMAL CROSSING I LOVE YOU SO MUCHHHHH OOMFS FOREVER AND EVER
#im so happy any official content of tabby is awesome shes my fave i looooove her so much SHES SO SILLY!!!#and boots was one of my starting residents on acnh so he holds a special place in my heart#in case anyone was wondering which im sure you were not. my other starting villager on acnh was rocket and shes soooo silly i love rocket#not enough people love her like shes so silly. u are all HATERS#anyway i love talking about my acnh villagers I WISH I HAD MY ACNL ONES WRITTEN DOWN. the only ones i remember are tabby and kyle#but my acnh ones atm (and when i say atm i mean they will be probably til the end of time)#are my guy sherb (found on one of the ticket islands)#stiches (who i also found on an island i think?)#chai (i have her amiibo card shes so cute.)#tammi (another island find)#stella (man i really did just take the first villagers i found on an island and kept them huh)#rocket and boots (starter villagers)#tabby (I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO TRADE HER TO ME ON REDDIT I THINK? and then they were like oh if shes ur fave u can just have her +#like for free. AND THAT WAS SOOOO AWESOME)#bea (i think she was also a ticket island thingy find)#and finally... tom (ok he has a fun story.#i think it was margie who lived on my island at the time and listen she was SUCH a sweetheart i wanted to keep her forever#(she replaced drift who i found on an island and he was mean to me so i have beef with him. still. like four years later.)#but them tom showed up as a camper and i got this crazy hit of nostalgia and i remembered my guy tom was in my childhood city folk town#and i was like. I MISS MY BOY. COME BACK TO ME. so he moved in)#umm only other villager we had was chadder which i think my little brother picked when we shared the island#i think i remember him saying he got chadder because of dantdm...? i dont remember the details#but i got the sanrio amiibo cards which i need to stress i had wanted for YEARS. i was so fucking happy when they got a rerelease#to the point where like. i couldnt get them at first because they sold out super fast. so#i bought them from someone in twitter dms im so serious. and it fucking worked thats how i got them#anyway i wanted chai to move in because shes my fave of that set (i love cinnamoroll) but i needed someone to move out#which i always get so sad about :( but my brother offered to take chadder so i felt a little better abt it#and then i think we forgot to like. have him come get chadder in boxes. so chadder went off somewhere hope hes living a good life#thats it i think. i wish i kept a list of all my villagers ever but considering ive been playing for a decade or so now that would be. crazy#muffin mumbles
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being on the internet is so fun. i can come watch one of my childhood heroes make a whole twitter thread cyberbullying random women she's never met, putting anyone who says that's kind of mean on blast and then blaming them for the hate she sent their way via her hundreds of thousands of radicalized followers!
#like. jesus fucking christ#i dont expect better from her but its so fucking sad at its core. its just fucking pathetic#and thinking abt what her work meant to me and how much i loved it? and what it got me through?#i was reading these books to escape being bullied for seven years on end they quite literally kept me alive sometimes as silly as that is#yeah they sucked in a lot of ways i didnt pick up on but they were really important to me as a kid!#i would like to at least look back on birthday parties and road trips going 'well that wasnt perfect but i had fun and now ive learned'#rather than 'god i wish i had never heard of that'#and now shes. doing almost the exact same thing those people did to me on a larger scale. basically for a living#if she knew me shed probably call me the same shit they did back then. how sad is that#levi.txt#i genuinely want to know if she knows who anita bryant is. and if she can name anything specific anita did before campaigns#but then shed probably think of her as a fucking hero too. no sense of irony in her body#i just feel so fucking awful for the poor women shes calling out in those april fools posts. i hope theyre doing ok#i hope they can get away from the harassment somehow bc ive heard abt how intense it can be when it comes from her#and i hope they know theyre better women than shell ever be. its such a deeply mean spirited 'joke'
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#in regards to the oceangate drama#i never like laughing at anyones death so to speak and i cant imagine how that poor lad who is only 19 must have been feeling trapped on t#submarine with his dad and other strangers#in such a tight space with no way of getting out from the inside way deep under the sea#wouldn't wish it on anybody#but i do blame the billionaires who knew the risk they were taking with such a sketchy company#watched a documentary where another rich lady said how she been in the same sub and how it had been very touch and go#and that at the beginning of each trip there is a small print sign saying people need to know the risk of never coming back#so part of its on them and on the company for not having the proper equipment and checks#however im also in the believe that the titanic is a GRAVEYARD and it should be well left alone and not a tourist site#its why i dont like these celebrity graveyards in america and there is on in london#i just dont get it#it never appealed to me#even ordinary folks would just go to a famous dead persons grave and take pictures of it#i think the dead should be left alone#also this submarine was UNCERTIFIED
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First gourd (and radish) I carved in my life 31 October 2019
#the drawing I class i was in in undergrad had a pumpkin carving day that year#i decided to be rebellious and buy a pumpkin to carve for the first time but when i went to the store there were no more pumpkins :')#so i got a gourd and a little skeleton for inside caude i wanted a scene#it was the first time i had carved anything for Halloween ever and i remember feeling so sinful at the time#there was this one person Maddie who was also giving tarot card readings and they were one of my major events(?) to realize i was gay#i didnt get a reading from them cause i was scared that was going too far and I would be too far gone messing with the 'occult'#and they made me nervous but i wanted more and couldnt figure out why (i chalked it up to them being 'cool' and wanting to be their friend)#anyways maddie gave me the radish cause they also didnt bring a pumpkin and had two radishes (cause they were buy 1 get 1) from Winn Dixie#i still think about maddie now and we talk sporadically i told them if they're ever in Chicago to come and visit me but they live in Canada#their art inspires me and i believe they could design a fantasy game or novel because of their work (i own a weird little dog of theirs)#i never mentioned anything to them at the time about being infatuated with them in class and i doubt i would now bc our life goals dont mesh#but i consider them to play a important role in my life and i appreciated the radish and wish i got the readings done#its wild how much growth can happen in just a few years -- i bought a mini pumpkin in September because i wanted to celebrate early#back then when i got home the gourd and radish was forcibly thrown away (and i didn't dare tell of my encounters in class with the lesbian!)#(i hold that memory in my heart & think of it fondly cause i hadnt realized yet i have much compassion for younger me who was never sinful)#now in grad school there is a new Maddie 🍈 who told me she didnt know why she keeps looking at my face in class and i think i know why#but she has yet to get there <3
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being an older sibling is like fine and fun. until its like. “oh my intense desire to protect and defend you is because i traumatized you throughout our entire childhood on accident. and somehow you still managed to live a better life than me in every aspect. and the only way i will ever be able to make up for how much i scared you is to constantly be in your service from far enough away that you never know.”
#i didnt traumatize her on purpose i was just mentally ill as a kid#idk#theres only so many times u can scream that u want to kill yourself before ur little sister hears#and when u share a room shes gonna find the blades u hid sometimes#i hope she never knows the things ive done for her#do u think she knows that i would step into the arguments with my father and yell the loudest so that he wouldnt yell st her#do u think she noticed that i would always fight back for her so that it would come my way instead of hers#idk. its mostly over now#my dad doesn’t scream as much#which is good but i sometimes wish he would#idk why#i mean it was never that bad anyway#but like. you’re allowed to externalize all of that rage when somekne else starts it#thats why he likes to piss us off#cuz the rage is gonna be there no matter what. its nice to let it out and have matched too#i dont want to be like my father but theres something comforting in the fact that at least he has the same thing in him#less comforting that i know it will never go away#idk its more fun to hurt someone else and be hurt by them then to just hurt urself#ANYWAY#lol. i got off topic but whatever.#this should go on the mentally ill side blog but whatever#milo ignore this post <3 unless ur texting me abt it#but like those r ur options u gotta acknowledge it to my face or completely ignkre it
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hate that you can have possibly the most horrific realisation of your life and your body completely freaks out and starts fighting itself and you are just expected to keep going with your day like normal. i feel like maybe i should get a month away from any and all responsibilities at the very least to recover and adjust to having this knowledge
#my god!!! my god!!! the horrors do not end!!!#in fact old horrors will come back to haunt you again!!!#i wish i had not gone digging and prodding but oops i am so stupid and also i cannot stop my brain from putting pieces together!!#i have a counseling appt tomorrow but i honestly dont think i can bring this up. how do u bring up such a thing! esp when u have no proof!#i do not think the pieces would all fit together so perfectly and the body and brain would not react so violently if it were not true thoug#i do not want it to be true dear fucking god can this not be true please. can i be mistaken maybe. can it be just a series of coincidences.#i do not know how to cope with this if it is true. and the most awful thing is i'll likely never know for sure#i do not have memory of any of those times. i will never know unless another part comes forward w memories#and maybe its better to not know? but i feel sick. i feel so very sick!! i cannot deal w this!!#Chase took over for half the day and he's sooo pissed at me for digging but i sincerely could not stop putting things together#everyone in the brain is so mad at me i think fsdjkl i feel so awful and sick and the body is so fucked up now#i want to bring it up w counselor but i'd have to bring up a lot of other things and she's about to go on pregnancy/maternity leave#i dont want to be... burdensome. and idk who will be replacing her#idk !!! i wish i could just undo all of that thinking this morning!! i fucked up!! i shouldnt have thought about it!!#i regret it but i also cannot stop wanting to know the truth!! and i hate this!! i dont want this to be real!! please i hope its not!!#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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something is just like wrong with me and i deserve to be put down i think
#cant even fucking bike up a hill without panting and crying#and im stuck on campus and i have to bike back#i wish i was skinny i wish i wish i wish. if i was skinny it would be acceptable for me to not be able to bike#physical weakness would be okay#but im horrible and disgusting and i just keep making it worse#i cant enjoy anything and i dont even want to go home#because my sister keeps pushing me to exercise and i cant without feeling like this#every time she says ‘hey come biking come rock climbing can you at least come for a walk’#its like. reminder! you need to do something to fix your fucking body!#gonna end up missing a weeks worth of my favourite class cause im stuck crying in the fucking bathroom#and i have so much fucking work to do and i dont do any of it#i just want to lay in a ditch and decompose#i cant even fucking cry in peace cause some bitch is in this bathroom brushing her teeth
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Unironically please write c!Alyssa essays
Actually back when I was just getting into the Dream SMP and I didn't actually understand it at all I just found the oldest possible streams I could and sat and watched them whole and I think that ended up with me getting such a big attachment to Alyssa
So thank you for giving me an excuse to ramble nonsensically about her love u for that
I just adore her and there's something about her and her being gone now that makes me so sad in the same vein that the community house being destroyed as a prop makes me so sad
Because she was part of the original members you know she built the og community house too she had lots of pets she lived there hell Spirit lived at her house
And she was a friend she was part of the family I think she still is she didn't just up and completely vanish someday there's videos of her still logging in during Pogtopia times her people still miss her they believe she simply dissapeared one day because they haven't seen her but they don't think she would just up and leave them
Alyssa was there for the birth of L'Manberg she saw these outsiders these people she couldn't trust people who she thought robbed her come into her home and make divisions she found senseless and she fought against them she was there attempting to convince them too she was looked down upon and forgotten by them and she never relented
She was an important catalyst in the whole plot of the series that's so amazing to me she had her own set of beliefs and she opposed one of her closests friends when she thought he was doing wrong and in doing this the whole original disc saga came to be which escalates into everything else we see today
She wasn't just a static background member at all she burned down the trees around L'Manberg before Dream and Sapnap and Niki did
Her sightings became more and more sporadic as time progressed the sudden changes made her become more and more reclusive but the smp was still her home too she was still around when nobody else could see her she was still around
Even as things went from this happy place where everybody got along at the end of the day through fighting and all a place where nothing could suddenly escalate into a full blown war and then see it become into this political war filled landscape
And it really makes me sad just like the community house stood as proof of unity amongst the server (She lived in it too back then when they were all sharing rooms) and was eventually destroyed for c!Dream's ruthless plan, for his destroying of everything he's fighting for, and the house is still there now but it's not as it used to be.
And they all still remember Alyssa but she's not there anymore
Alyssa was there back when they were all like family because she was their family too you know and they don't know if she left of her own Accord they don't think so or if something happened to her that they just couldn't prevent
Everything they know is that she's gone missing I wonder how much they miss her
And the newest members musnt even know she ever existed but she was so important
#also im obsessed with c!Dream so I'm very happy they were close friends while c!Alyssa was still around#they fought together they defended each other :) i think he still would see her as part of the happy family at the end of his plan#and it makes me so insane because just like the plan isnt gonna work alyssa isnt gonna come back#but hey shes his family too at the end of the day how is he not gonna include her give her a seat at the table#oh and the idea of people like aimsey or eryn not even knowing about her it makes me go feral like having an older sister who left home#you still remember her just fine shes your family how could you not but your younger cousins dont have the slightest clue who she is#it kills me inside#either way here is my essay without any proper grammar but whatever thank you for giving me the perfect opportunity to rant about alyssa#Alyssa my most beloved#beloved's asks#all about dream smp characters#c!Alyssa#really wish there was more content about her
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listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"
like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.
#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore#its that ive dealt with everyone my entire life ive been an emotional support pillar ive been rotting in this toxic dysfunctional household#ive been a third parent ive stepped in for my dad when he spontaneously decides to be a deadbeat ive supported my mom without fail#whenever shes needed it for years. ive dealt with everyones fits of mania & psychosis & breakdowns & chronic pain & depressive episodes#ive had my mental illness trivialized and belitted and downplayed. im exhausted and traumatized and so fucking burned out#of course it looks like ive given up on everyone from the outside because im struggling !! im struggling mentally and emotionally#and its spilling out in all the wrong ways and they just see it as me letting my anger ruin my character and everyone else around me#they dont care if theres something wrong with me even though im throwing out signs and cries for help literally wherever i can#they just care that theyre affected by it and inconvenienced by my deteriorating mental condition#they think this mentally ill freak is just what i am at this point and they cant stop emotionally blackmailing me#by reminiscing about how i used to be so kind and optimistic. i wish they would just fucking see me for once#ive played the role of the good emotional support eldest daughter my entire life. why didnt they think it would blow up at some point#and when i have tried opening up in moments of severe emotional vulnerability they just throw it back in my face later on#while simultaneously telling me i just need to change my outlook on life because im still young and cant define myself by childish problems#mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is#instead of telling me to go spend a week volunteering at a cancer hospital so i can go see what real problems exist for people in the world#and what other people are going through and maybe ill come out with a new appreciation for life#mom just bc people are dying of cancer doesnt mean i can't be depressed just bc other people have it worse doesnt mean i cant have it bad#im so fucking tired!#3 am vent post yippee i am going to regret oversharing on the internet so badly when i wake up tmrw
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I was telling my mother about some interesting Symptoms™ I've been having and putting them all together like that. maybe I'm stressed because my body is falling apart. that might be a cause. like
#like oh my god. girl help im having symptoms even doctors dont know what to with#i told her about the last time i saw a dr for one particular health issue and he told me if i were older he'd investigate for cancer#but bc im young he isnt going to bother#and then just sent me on my way without much follow up like 'if it gets worse its probably fine and dont come back'#and she was very concerned#im still not sure how concerned i have to be about it#bc if it was a real medical problem then he wouldve said come back if it gets worse#but also im in pain and bleeding all of the time and as time goes on my body seems to be like getting worse at performing certain tasks#and developing more and worse symptoms#i should maybe get a second opinion on that one but im also right in the middle of testing for my high blood pressure#and also going back forth with gender clinic about surgery#and trying to manage my disabilities#and trying to care for my terminally ill cat#so like i dont have the TIME#or the energy#i DO wish my body could hold it together for like a minute#a breather would be good rn#dogbunni diary log#sorry again. have no one to vent to#i cant bother my parents too much about this bc they worry enough about me as it is and have enough stress in their lives
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Me @ my pets: why do you get separation anxiety and destroy things when we go on a trip, can you please just be normal?
My gf: *goes on a trip and leaves me home alone for a few days*
Me: ...
Me: ah.
#methinks it is time to chew the walls in my enclosure#rambling#im very bad at sleeping alone and i dont even know how many nights shes gonna be gone :(#if she told me before then i forgot it but last night i tried to ask her and she just jokingly said she was never coming back#but then didnt give me the actual answer afterwards#i texted her this morning to ask but shes been so busy setting up her show that she hasnt had time to respond ig :(#i have class in less than five hours but I've been up this whole time stress cleaning 😭#i wish i could have someone over but my qpp has her sun this week and has to get up to take him to preschool and go to work really early#like the same time in usually falling asleep#and my other qpp and friends live two hours away :(#i just don't like being alone at night my brain gets bad :(#before my gf moved in with me i would have sleepovers with my friends as often as possible specially because of that#it made me feel safe and distracted me from the bad thoughts and helped me sleep better#there was a while where my qpp was staying the night with me literally almost every night#i haven't had to worry about sleeping alone for the past 3+ years that my gf and i have lived together#maybe i SHOULD chew wires to cope#edit: there are so many typos but I'm not retyping all of those tags im too tired for this#I'm gonna try to go to sleep now
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no that post dredged up all my highschool spanish anger like did you know i failed spanish in high school. a lnaguage i grew up speaking all my life. like do you know how rage enducing that is. to have your teacher constantly nickpick ONLY YOU (the only non mexican student in that class.) i FAILED SPANISH....
#LIKE AUUUUGGHSHHSBDJSNSJS#IM FOREVER GOING TO BE MAD AT THAT#there was another girl who wasnt mexican but she was less vocally upset about it but she ALSO got picked on#just less than me bc i was very loud about the unfairness#and its like. its not oh youre just imagining things no bitch EVERYONE in the class knew it#id say something and the teacher would immediately pick my words apart and people would look back at me with a grimace like yes i know#yelled at my teacher in front of god and everyone bc she was failing me and i was like ok WHY#shes like youre not doing my homework (fair i wasnt) i said ok im not the only one (also true)#im not the only one not doing my homework why isnt anyone else failing#im the only one you nitpick you dont let me say ANYTHING before telling me im wrong and say it again#i was like i know so and so does worse on tests than i do why arent they failing#then she had the nerve to come up to me two years later and say she missed me and wish i was part of the latino club like HA u fucking wish#michi tag
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