#i was obsessed and hyperfixated and spent all my free time blogging about it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

unpickled-olive · 5 months

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brain is healing

I've always been depressed, but before grad school, I had interests. I was teaching myself woodworking, building things, drawing plans, and restoring rusty hand planes. I had bought my first ever digital microphone and was recording (bad) music. I was practicing the violin on a semi-regular basis.

I also had hyperfixations. I always loved the experience of being obsessed with something for a few weeks at a time, even if I felt empty when the feeling passed. Spending three weeks learning about homesteading, or being a travel therapist, or rollerskating, or learning Arabic.

Grad school wasn't a decision I made out of passion but out of necessity. After getting my Bachelor's in Linguistics (not a hireable degree but an extremely interesting one), I went as far I could with entry-level jobs before going broke and having a mental breakdown. So I decided that if I couldn't find a job I was passionate about, I would get one that where I could 1. decently support myself, 2. do something meaningful for others, and 3. have the freedom to pursue passions outside of work. My dream job became one where I worked 3.5 days a week.

The conclusion was to build upon my background in linguistics and go into healthcare via speech-language pathology.

But when grad school started, I noticed how quickly all of my passion evaporated. Over night, there was suddenly no more planning, drawing, violin-making.

From week 2 to week 100 of school, I didn't have any thoughts about it. I was emotionally drained and too busy to think about enjoying life. I felt like I'd sold my soul for a stable job and when summer and, winter breaks didn't allow me to do anything but sleep, I figured I would be like that forever.

The one creative thing I did that entire time was write a short little sci-fi story. While trying to read a research paper in the student lounge, I suddenly had an idea and deleted the notes I was taking. For three hours, I did nothing but sit there and type. But due to how inundated in academia I was, it was both super morbid (a story about how Earth is the only planet where life degrades and dies due to ageing) and super academic (it took the form of a research paper written by horrified alien observers). I was so in that world that the only thing I could write had an abstract, an intro, a methodology, a results section, and a discussion.

I'm currently 4 months free of grad school (I say like I'm in recovery), and I've noticed that passion and interest are slowly dripping back into my life. I've spent the last few days reading about Proto-Indo-Europeans, just for fun. I read a BOOK. I'm contemplating building an English joiner's bench. I'm even motivated enough to post something personal on a blog no one will ever read.

These days, learning feels like it takes more effort than it did before. I have this feeling that there isn't room in my brain for any more things, so I shouldn't get too excited. It feels like that, and like the inertia of not having exercised in so long. But I notice this feeling lessening with each month.

This is all to say: grad school couldn't kill my soul forever—it could only kill it for two and a half years.

#grad school #slp #linguistics #woodworking #writing #dark academia (but in a sad boring way)#grad life #grad student

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vidcurious · 2 months

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Not really a Sims focused post but somehow this niche blog has more followers than my main lmao

I can't sleep and I'm thinking about how my hyperfixations changed since I started taking ADHD meds around a year? ago. And just, hyperfixations in general.

I've had hyperfixations since as long as I can remember, long before I even knew what they were or that there was even a word for it. Even as a kid I would get so fixated on something that I'd spend all my free time analyzing it, writing fanfics, scouring the internet in the glory days of AOL and Geocities/Angelfire/etc fan sites, making fanart and trying to surround myself with it as much as I could. Things I love would (and still do) seep their way into my own characters and stories in the form of inspiration or references.

I have a huge love/hate relationship with hyperfixations. I love having them because I'm just generally passionate about things I love and that goes into OVERDRIVE when a hyperfixations hits. I love having something that occupies my mind and gives me that rush of inspiration and adrenaline, especially when I'm able to draw or write about it. However, throughout my life it's always been seen as a negative thing to people in my life. Having people say "is this your obsession of the week" or implying that once I'm "over it" I won't like the thing and I'll move on to something else.

Which brings me to the other reason I hate hyperfixations. I hate the guilt and feeling of abandonment? when I feel it start to fade, or when I feel myself being drawn to something else. I hate the lingering worry that people won't think I'm a "real fan." I'm sure these feelings are due to people making me feel self-conscious about it throughout my life, and it's still something I struggle with.

It's so rare for me to permanently lose an interest. When a hyperfixation goes dormant it doesn't mean I love the thing any less. I've realized that, nowadays, I try to keep my hyperfixations to myself (mostly IRL) and not make it obvious what I'm currently focused on. I find myself feeling nervous and mildly ashamed to share my hyperfixations with people close to me IRL. And it frustrates me that I feel that way.

I suffer quite a lot from imposter syndrome and rejection sensitivity so I'm sure that plays a big part.

But on to how my meds affected my hyperfixations. When I first got diagnosed with ADHD and meds were discussed I was so afraid I would lose my ability to hyperfixate on things. It's always been that I fixate on something, it lasts generally from a month to three months until my focus shifts to something else. I've never really been able to hyperfixate on more than one thing. But since I started taking meds I find I not only can hyperfixate on more than one thing at a time, but they're lasting so much longer. It's like they're not going dormant like they used to. There's a period where the focus and obsession is at its peak and then it dwindles down but still sticks around while something else takes focus. And where a hyperfixation would normally last three months or so, now they're just... There. I've been focused on The Sims and Jem and the Holograms since I started taking meds, and they occupy my mind all day on rotation alongside more recent hyperfixations like AMC's Hell On Wheels and my own characters. If I had a single micron of free time in my life right now I guarantee every second of it would be spent doing fanart or fanfics lol.

ANYWAY it's past 5am and my eyes are sizzling out of my head. Thank you for coming to my insomnia ramble.

#Kemosabe rambles about hyperfixations #hyperfixation #Hyperfixations #ADHD

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revolutionary-pirate · 24 days

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Hello! I'm a high schooler practicing research methods. Can I ask around a bit?

Thanks to Hamilton, I became obsessed with the aides de camp a while back, and I remember digging through your gold mine of a blog. Was probably more invested than I should've been.

What I want to ask, though, is: what motivated you to study the aides so thoroughly? I can't imagine how much time and effort it took to compile all the info here. I could never.

The honest answer is ADHD lmaoooo I was quite hyperfixated on learning everything there was to know as hard and as fast as possible and spent every second of my free time on it, which then was enabled by my college and grad school education allowing me to continue my research on them for classes. This also consequently means I burned out just as hard and spectacularly after doing this for Years. Then the second something else caught my hyperfixation the motivation to do any research on them vanished and moved to absorbing information like a sponge about my new interests instead.

I have so many half finished posts and unshared research in my drafts that have gone untouched for years as a result and it's something i feel bad about and really wish i could get myself to finish them or at least share what i had left. But every time I try to go back over them link rot immediately becomes the bane of my existence and I give up again rip

#there are 50+ posts in my drafts rip

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k-buki · 2 months

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𝜗𝜚 .𖥔 ݁ ˖ 𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐌𝐄 !

— hii ! if you haven’t caught on . . . i go by covielle, n i’m an ‘05 liner from the uk who does very, very self indulgent writing in her free time ! which is barely any time . so consider it a miracle if i post once a week . . . i’m vv spontaneous .

if we’re moots , or close friends , u can call me elle !

tbf, i’ve wanted to start a blog for a while but i got rlly lazy and couldn’t be bothered to make a theme . . . then i remembered mafuyu existed !! her cards r so pretty omfff

your local , probably unhealthily obsessed scaramouche stan . i have read his multiple wiki pages back to front to soak in all of his lore , alongside religiously watching depressive edits of kabukimono which made me wallow in sadness.

also a girl who literally spends all her money on vapes , alcohol ( i highly recommend dragon soop after a long week ) , and kpop albums . n YES ! i know vaping is bad but take one good look at my ass and conclude if i give a fuck.

in general , i’m a super shy ( wink wink ) person , once you get to know me i’m the largest yapper you’ll ever see . . but at first i physically cannot hold a conversation.

i’m a stay, engene, moa, bunny, MY, onedoor and villain . . my top songs from them are side effects - stray kids , drunk-dazed - enhypen , opening sequence - txt , gods - nwjns , ænergy - aespa , one and only - boynextdoor and zzz.. - xdinary heroes !

i’m severely hyperfixated on dottore’s segments, fatui harbingers, yakshas n the dragon sovereigns . ask me about them and i will ramble for days .

absolute, pure, ayesha erotica whore , finding her in 2016 was the best time of my life . . . probably not suitable for an 11 year old at the time , though . . .

random trivia ⨾

my alias covielle is quite obviously not my real name . . i got it from the commedia dell’arte ! the fact that the commedia coviello can supposedly play the mandarin is so ironic ‘cause my uncle tried to teach me the mandarin when i was like 10 n i remember failing so hard . . .

teehee i also named my very self insert genshin oc after covielle/coviello from commedia . . hhhsgsh i love the fatui !

i spent over 1000 quid on one of my genshin accounts ONLY TO forget the login once i changed my pc.

i struggle to read mangas . . or anything really . i finished watching jjk , and i’ve been trying to read the manga for a good 3 months . . . chat i’m only on chapter 12 vol 2 . i don’t have the attention span and i cannot FOR THE LIFE OF ME read the panels correctly.

i’m in the 2% of genshin players who have genuinely explored the desert . . . i have it maxxed . i swear i’m sane .

i luve love luvvv the idea of dottore’s segments being named after the greek alphabet . . . theta is webttore canon

#〃┆— me me me ! ༉‧₊˚.#the gorgeous girl @ the top is hanni from newjeans ! not me #i’ll finish this later im genuinely dying

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morroodle · 2 years

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Morrotober Overview

October is over and morrotober is done! I actually made it all the way through without missing a single day (I swapped 2 days because I have a terrible concept of time but that dosent count). I'm so proud of myself. I've tried an October drawing challenge year after year but I always gave up and burned out after the first week so this is a huge accomplishment.

I'm not quite sure what made this year different but there are a few things I think might have helped:

Morro is my blorbo and ninjago is my hyperfixation. I'm already obsessed and thinking about it daily so this wasnt too different

I gave myself flexibility. Even though I ended up doing one for every day I never was going to force myself to do so, I had the freedom to skip a day if I didn't want to do it.

Flexibility pt. 2: I didn't make a full drawing every day. I allowed myself to put in as much or as little effort as I wanted which removed some of the pressure and worked better with my schedule

Now for some fun stuff! A recap of the art I made this month and my thoughts on some of the peices.

My favorite peice: day 29 - au/the movie

This was so much fun and I'm so happy with how it turned out. I couldn't decide on one au to draw since I have so many and keep making them so I just did a bunch! (Copy paste my best friend) I've had a bunch of ideas for designs bounching around for a while and getting to draw a handful of them with less effort than a full drawing which is great for my mental health. Honestly I liked making this and the results so much that I'm probably gonna do more of these with more designs.

Least favorite: day 1 - torment/chains

A dissapointing start to the challenge but luckily things only went uphill from here. The reason i dont like it is because this is one of those instances where the idea I have in my head is above my skill level. Additionally this is one of the ones that took the longest which is extra dissapointing considering I don't even like the result. I am proud of the hands though!

Most effort: day 14 - crew

I am NOT used to doing more than like 2 characters in one drawing and this was a challenge. Figuring out a pose for all of them was hard and I had to get creative with Wrayth cause he came last. I originally wanted to put a ghost dragon behind them too but that was just more effort and time than I had. Funny story about this one actually! I completed the base sketch for 3/5 of the characters but then my computer got fucky and I had to restart it. I saved the drawing but when I tried to open it I got the dreaded clip studio Unsupported File Format and had to restart ;-; I spent like half an hour trying to restore but had to give up in the end and restart.

Least effort: day 23 - memories

Little guy. Tiny dude. Took like 5 minutes and I love it. I didn't realize just how small I made him until I got a reblog saying they couldn't find him.

Most popular: day 5 - rope

Would have liked for some of my other drawings to get some of the attention this one got but honestly I'm not suprised it got so popular. It's a masterpiece.

Least popular: day 12 - underwater/submarine

Guess people don't want morro to be destinkified

Extra: day 6 - skeleton

This dude literally showed up on google?? I made that???? The funny part is the link dosent even lead to my blog or tumblr

Additional notes: wait what am I supposed to do now?? I think I forgot how to have free time?? For an entire month it's just been school eat sleep and morrotober but now it's over I don't know what to do with myself. A

Did I enjoy this? Yes. Will I do it again next year? Who fucking knows. Anyway back to my normal bs

#ninjago #lego ninjago #ninjago morro #morro #morrotober #art

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readingthroughtheapocalypse · 9 months

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Hullo! I thought I’d start out by introducing myself My name’s Milo, I’m trans and non-binary and use they/them pronouns. I live on unceded Gadigal land, in so-called Sydney, Australia. I’m youeatdogchow on Instagram, and youeatdogfood on Tiktok (yes I’m on booktok), and I’m also on Goodreads, Storygraph, and Bookworm Reads. If you hadn’t guessed, I read a lot of books… like a lot… most of my free time is spent reading, and occasionally cycling through other various hobbies I never stick to (thanks ADHD). My current hobby/hyperfixation is learning how to play the harmonica, but I’ll be honest I’m not doing too well. I also get asked a lot how I concentrate on reading so well in light of my ADHD, and while I wouldn’t be able to do it so easily w/out medication (🙏 god bless u ritalin), I’m also autistic and reading is w/out a doubt my main special interest, and never fails to make me feel better and brings me back to baseline when I’m feeling dysregulated and overstimulated. And it doesn’t hurt that I work in a bookstore part-time, which fuels my dedication. I’m also a mental health support worker, and I’m in my third year (nearly fourth) of a Bachelor of Social Work at uni. I love it, but it’s definitely a slog. I’m taking a little half-year gap year fr the rest of 2023, and what inspired me to start this blog was that I’m missing studying and writing papers, and bc of this many of my latest book reviews on Goodreads, etc, have turned into what are essentially small essays. So I thought why not start a blog where I can just shout my essay-length opinions on books into the void that is the internet, and hope someone out there appreciates them.

But anyway, moving on. I generally read anywhere frm 70-90 books a year, and I mostly read non-fiction, w one or two fiction books thrown in every other month when I feel like switching it up. My nonfic choices used to predominantly be socio-political nonfic, and often around topics of policing and prison abolition and similar, w some history books thrown in, but in the last half year I’ve branched out a little, and have been reading more books on science and biology, and particularly on what someone once called “hopeful environmentalism” (an example would be Robin Wall Kimmerer’s ‘Braiding Sweetgrass’ or Merlin Sheldrake’s ‘Entangled Life’). So I’ve been having fun w that!

Some of my favourite books are ‘Tomboy Survival Guide’ by Ivan Coyote (absolute all-time fave!), ‘Born to Run’ by Bruce Springsteen (maybe this seems like an odd choice but I’m a diehard Bruce fan), ‘Braiding Sweetgrass’ by Robin Wall Kimmerer, ‘Inflamed’ by Rupa Marya and Raj Patel, ‘The Monster’s Bones’ by David K. Randall, ‘The Feminist Bookstore Movement’ by Kristen Hogan, ‘Are Prison’s Obsolete?’ by Angela Y. Davis, ‘Prison Writings’ by Leonard Peltier, ‘No More Police’ by Mariame Kaba and Andrea J. Ritchie, ‘Entangled Life’ by Merlin Sheldrake, and ‘Blood in the Water’ by Heather Ann Thompson, among many others.

Some other things about me: I have terrible taste in movies; most every book I read is serious and academic and sometimes even heart-wrenching, and I cope just fine, but I can’t handle serious tele and movies, and mostly just watch ridiculous and silly comedies. My favourite movie is Charlie’s Angels (2000) and Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, and Cameron Diaz were definitely my gay root. I also went through an obsession w the show Our Flag Means Death, and I know when season two comes out (!!!) my obsession will def skyrocket again and it will consume me. I also have a 1308 (as of 01/09/23) day streak on Duolingo learning French, but honestly I do one lesson a day and it goes in one ear and straight out the other, so I can passably read French but can’t speak a lick of it. Also, as mentioned, I love Bruce Springsteen. I’ve seen him in concert once (best night of my life), but I have two Springsteen tattoos, and I’m always in the top .01 per cent of Springsteen listeners every Spotify wrapped, and I take my Bruce dedication seriously. I also love collecting cassette tapes (my collection is small but growing), and I have an old 1972 National Panasonic portable cassette player/recorder that is one of my most treasured possessions.

I can’t think of anything else rn, so I’ll leave it at that! Nice to meet you, please always feel free to say hi and introduce yrself back. Thank you fr popping by to check out my blog and taking the time to read my reviews :~) I hope you enjoy!

#booklr #queer books #bookseller #booksellers of tumblr #about myself #about me #about #bookblr #queer #nonfiction #nonfiction books #book recs #book recommendations

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kingofthewilderwest · 3 years

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Tagged by @writingstellar! Good to hear how life’s going and holy crap I was just thinking about how it’s coming up 10 years since we met.

Rules: answer 30 questions and tag blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

name/nickname: Haddock. King. Against my will, every other variation of fish-like things you can think of. King Fishy, Fishy, Fishface, Fishyface, Fish, etc.

gender: enby

star sign: 🖕

height: 5′ 2″

time: 12:27 AM

birthday: October 19

favourite bands: Flatt & Scruggs and the Foggy Mountain Boys, The Dead South, Old Man Markley

favourite solo artists: uhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm... get back to me on that. Can... can Beethoven count? C’mon I fucking have Beethoven music TATTOOED ON ME, we gonna make Beethoven count.

song stuck in my head: a combination of like six Flatt & Scruggs songs and covers rn, most prominently Colors. I have no idea why. I don’t listen to their late 1960s stuff as often, but I woke up and that song came to me with tenacity and wouldn’t let go.

last movie: What was the last movie I watched in my Bad Movie Night group? Was it Leo the Lion????? Oh gosh. That nightmare is the last movie I saw??? Dudes holy shit that movie was a special kind of awful, it was a horrible experience and it’s scarred me forever and [spoilers] why did you make the elephant canonically fuck the emaciated lion?!?!?!

last show: Flatt & Scruggs TV Show. Shut up. I like them. A lot. Hyperfixation gonna hyperfixate. And they’re actually really wonderful and personable to watch, in addition to making great music.

when did you create this blog? summer 2014

what do I post: on this blog? Well, it used to be an analysis blog for HTTYD and more. Now... whatever, but usually fandom-related materials for my favorite shows... Gravity Falls, Fullmetal Alchemist, etc.

last thing i googled: middle finger. to get that middle finger emote up there.

do i get asks? absolutely. sorry that I no longer respond to everything as I once did. I no longer have the time and presence of mind to get to all asks, and it’s no longer a priority in my life or major past-time. but I read all of them and appreciate all of them and really do try to answer peeps when I’m on here and in the mood! Thanks for talking with me so much!

why i chose my url: As a How to Train Your Dragon blog, I thought it would be the COOLEST thing to pick Hiccup’s title. I was in excited shock it wasn’t taken.

average hours of sleep: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’m sleeping a fuckton lately, like sometimes 10, but that’s not normal to me.

lucky number: 13, 19, 320.

Instruments: Yes. I have an entire sideblog dedicated to my banjo explorations and bluegrass/country music obsession, to rant and rave to like the 0.1 person who’ll see it. ;) Feel free to check it out... I try to make it accessible to like, anyone, even peeps with none music background left beef. Banjo is my latest instrument and I’m proud of how far I’ve come in less than a year and a half. Started on piano as a wee one, got good at it. Added flute and piccolo, got good at it, played semi-competitively at local/state events in high school. Added clarinet. Added viola and played that in college orchestra because it was the one thing I could get INTO orchestra on because they didn’t audition on it. Also own/play to varying degrees of skill or incompetence: pennywhistles, soprano recorder, khloy (Cambodian flute), khene (Southeast Asian pipe instrument), tro (Cambodian spiked fiddle), tro ou (Cambodian spiked fiddle), dizi (Chinese flute), shakuhachi, ukulele, guitar, fiddle, Irish flute, harmonica, didgeridoo, shit why do I feel like I’m forgetting some things. Uhhhhhh... in college I played some taiko, shamisen, and shinobue too? I dunno, just chuck a woodwind or a string instrument at me, and I’ll figure something out. Won’t necessarily be pleasant but there’ll be notes.

what i’m wearing: red pajamas. They have snowflakes on them. they are warm and comfy.

dream job: I know it’s hard work as hell, believe me, my fam’s been in it, but seriously? transitioning to agricultural work. I’m an old-fashioned ass at heart and, as much as my work has serious perks with a flexible schedule, I hate how much of my life is spent on a screen. I’m happiest working with my hands, and I’ve got a green thumb.

dream trip: Dammit, I have to pick ONE place??? fuck that shit, I want to go everywhere, I have bucket list countries in every continent. shit. uh. how about Norway because that’s the home of my ancestors.

last book i read: I’m currently reading three right now. the last one I finished is an obscure Country Music history picture book from the 1960s. Oh hey wow did the bluegrass hyperfixation appear again? WOW YOU BETCHA IT DID. Uff-dah.

favourite food: I’m going to just say a fucking cuisine rather than narrow it down to one dish. Thai food.

nationality: United States American.

favourite song: Foggy Mountain Breakdown. Yes. Flatt & Scruggs came up again. Get used to it. I have fucking had Flatt & Scruggs appear multiple times in my dreams. I have fucking had Flatt & Scruggs more in my dreams than some of my irl friends.

top three fictional universes: Mass Effect, Fullmetal Alchemist, Gravity Falls

gonna gently tag (no pressure!):

Okay I am sleep loopy so I cannot think of names rn but I might reblog and tag later with peeps because I always like poking friends.

#meme #blabbing Haddock #long post #about me #my life #music #that banjo business

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jewpacabruhs · 4 years

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hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about.

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do.

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it.

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally.

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020!

#txt #mine

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shanie-the-toyaddict · 4 years

Note

For the weird asks that say a lot: 4, 8, 12, 16, 18, 21, 22, 25, 29, 33, 49 and 64. Sorry if that's too many questions!

Yay! I love these! Ok, here goes! 4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Well, I was hyper as fuck as a kid, one of the reasons I was put on Ritalin, so most of my teachers viewed me as a problem child. But two of them took me under their wings and nurtured me. One even had a nickname for me – Jackrabbit J_____ (my last name) because I was always bouncing around like a jackrabbit. The other teacher was closer to a mother to me and we kept in touch for years afterwards, up until she moved out of town.

8. movies or tv shows?

Between the two, TV shows. But I very rarely watch either (outside of WWE sometimes) and my prefered media is Internet Specials and Youtube videos.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

“My Jam Mix” - I am very boring when it comes to naming playlists, which is odd because I love naming shit.

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Upright. I have a horribly mukked up back and my computer chair is the only chair it doesn’t hurt to sit in.

18. ideal weather?

Ok, so you know those days, right around this time of year where I live, when the air is crisp with a hint of chill, and the humidity is ZILCH? Like, a nice cool (but not too cool) fall day? That. That’s the perfect weather for me. 66F or so, with no rain, partly cloudy, and low humidity.

21. obsession from childhood?

My first ever hyperfixation was Back To The Future in 3rd Grade. Doc Brown was my imaginary friend.

22. role model?

I really don’t have one IRL? I mean, I love my mother dearly, but I can’t say she’s a role model. If I had to pick a celeb, right now I’d say Sami Zayn. I love his attitude and refusal to take the bullshit of society, all the while remaining an optimist and a ray of sunshine. I want to be more like that.

25. first song you remember hearing?

First real song? I’d say “My Life” by Billy Joel. The Piano Man imprinted on me very young and he’s my favorite artist to this day.

29. best way to bond with you?

Two ways.

Make me laugh

Take interest in my interests (or at least pay attention when I rant about them)

Most people in my life do one and not the other, but either one really works. If I met a person IRL who did both on a regular basis, I’d probably marry them. 33. most used phrase in your phone? “LOL”, if that counts. I don’t have a way to look that up, my phone is ancient and needs replaced.

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

Again, two answers here.

“Never change. The world would be boring without weird people” - Maj. Elizabeth Kealey (a friend who passed away years ago)

“If you choose not to do help someone, that is on you. But if the other person chooses to abuse that help, that’s on them. Do good recklessly” - Tumblr Post.

Throw the scripture verse listed in my blog header in there, and you have my entire world view in a nutshell.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

LOL, I guess you can blame Shane for this one (in more ways than one) but I spent far FAR too much time on the old WWF.Com. It should be noted that I didn’t have the internet for most of my childhood, not because I was poor, but because I’m a Xennial and it didn’t friggin exist. I didn’t get the internet until about 1997 so, other than a short period of time spend trolling Whoosh.org (a massive Xena fansite), once I found WWF.com in 1998, that’s where my time was spent. Between Byte This! and the fanchat, I was hooked. Other sites included Yahoo (chats and groups) and Wrestleline (news, forums, e-Fed, and comedic recaps)

Anyway, This was so much fun! Anyone else who wants to send me asks, feel free. I woke up at 2am this morning so I’ll be up for a bit!

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emerald-amidst-gold · 3 years

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About me

So, you wish to know about the face behind the muse, do you? Well, I’m not as edgy or ferocious, but I do all right!

Thank you for the tag @noire-pandora! <3

1: Why did you choose your url?

The url that you see now was actually not my first url. I’m first one was lotus-dreamcatcher something something. (I forget what the numbers were lol). It was just a random thought since one: I love, love, looooove dreamcatchers, and two: I think lotus flowers are such pretty flowers! So, I combined best of both worlds and slapped two or three numbers on the end! XD

The reason I switched it was because I wanted to have a more personal connection with my blog. When I started writing my fic, I was like, ‘Let’s just go the whole nine yards! No one else has it!’ and voila! Will I change it if my hyperfixation vanishes? No. I’m stuck in hell, remember? *smiles*

2: Any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

I have no side blogs because I would be terrible trying to micromanage them. My obsessions tend to ebb and flow, and this blog is the first time I’ve latched onto something for so long. I’ve had fixations with Dragon Age before (I’ve had the game for years, of course), but it always fizzled out and I latched onto something else (Fire Emblem, Skyrim, etc.). So, whatever fandom takes me by the horns, ya’ll have to witness it here! *cackles*

3: How long have you been on tumblr?

Hmm..I think for about...2 years? I made this blog a while back, posted a fic I had written for the first time, and then disappeared. I didn’t come back until just under a year ago when I wrote my first version of Emerald Eyes Amidst Golden Vows. But truthfully, I’m not sure. I know I haven’t been here long, though! XD

4: Do you have a queue tag?

Nope! I just scan the tags I like, home page, and those I follow’s dashboard and reblog/like what I find interesting, funny, or what pertains to what I’m currently fixated on. I might go ham and post a lot, or I just slap one or two things on while I’m on break at work. It’s casual for me. :D

5: Why did you start your blog in the first place?

I was curious, to put it simply. I’ve always been into art/writing, and all the art I used to see elsewhere always looped back to here. I actually spent a lot of my time, once upon a time, on DeviantArt (The days when I had a tablet and had the time to draw~). Once I got into writing, however, I decided this might be a better place to share that. Not to mention, I saw the community for Dragon Age and I was like, ‘I want to be a part of this! I don’t have many people I can talk about Dragon Age with or simp mutually about characters! And they all seem so nice! Let’s try!’ And here I am. It’s paid off. All the waiting, slight dejectedness, and quiet posts have PAID OFF.

So, if you’re a starting blog and you feel kind of put off, just keep at it. It’ll gain traction. Trust me. :3

6: Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Why not? It’s my BOY in his original, first play through form! (the play through I accidentally deleted, but you know *is still made about that*)

I chose it mainly because it was my best screenshot of Fane, and I was like, “I am true Dragon Age blog now. :3″, but really, it’s just because it was pretty. I’m a simplistic creature with simplistic tastes.

7: Why did you choose your header?

Again, it’s my BOY, and well, it was also pretty with the colors and his eyes and everything. I love my dragon son. What else can I say? *shrugs*

8: What’s your post with the most notes?

The post that issued by entrance in Solavellan Hell.

THIS ONE

It continuously spiraled for WEEKS until it finally went dormant, and I was like, ‘Well, damn. That was a wild ride.’ We all fall prey to the wolf at some point. Even I, who was so sure I adored Cullen. ‘Twas not to be. I like elves. Sorry, Commander. XD

9: How many mutuals do you have?

26! Which is about a quarter of who follows me, actually. Huh!

10: How many followers do you have?

You know, I just checked it the other day and my eyes went wide because I broke a 100 and I was like, ‘Am I really that relatable or likable!? Awwww! *cries*’ I’m currently at 107, but in all honesty, I don’t pay attention to the numbers. Some may be inactive, too, but it’s nice to see people enjoy and relate!

11: How many people do you follow?

85! I don’t like to clog up my dash too much because it’s easy to miss things I’m actually looking forward to seeing (art, fic updates, etc.) I could filter, obviously, but I is lazy. However, if I see a blog I really think is cool and enjoyable and is right up my alley, then of course I’ll follow! :3 I also try to follow back if someone follows me, but I forget to sometimes. I’m a bit scatterbrained if you haven’t noticed from my writing. XD

12: Have you ever made a shitpost?

I think I made like...two? They got a good bit of notes, but mainly because they were relatable more than funny, I think. If you want to know one thing about me it’s that if I adore a specific character, I either RAG on them until the cows come home, or I cry about them hysterically. With Solas, I am both, so I throw swings at him while in the next minute running over and saying I’m sorry. And I vocalize that with random memes. XD

13: How often do you use tumblr each day?

I get on in the morning after I wake up a bit to check around, stay on until I have to go to work at like 2, and I’ll pop on a few times throughout the day during my breaks or lunch, and once more before I call it quits for the day. I have a bad habit of keeping a tab up while I write and hopping back and forth. No wonder my writing flow gets lost in transit. XD

I also tend to fall asleep with my computer on, soooo yeah. X’D

14: Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

Nope. I’m twenty-five. I left the drama bullshit back in high school when I graduated. I’m here to enjoy things that mean something to me, interact with people who share those interests, and just witness how creative everyone is and learn from them. Will I debate with someone civilly? Of course, I love debating concepts and interpretations of characters as much as I love analyzing those ideas. However, the moment those debates turn into ‘I’m right. You’re wrong.’ arguments, I walk away and ignore. I’ve been a part of internet discourse before when I ran a RP chat, I don’t need that again. Feel free to chat with me, but the minute it becomes a belligerent free for all, either expect a quick block or utter silence.

15: How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

I try to reblog things from content creators because that’s how they get the exposure they need, and I wholeheartedly support those people because I want people to be able to pursue and live a life where they can do what they enjoy and make ends meet rather than be stuck at a 9-5 job where they’re talents are wasted and miserable because of berating circumstances.

However, if someone explicitly says, ‘you need to reblog this because of some obscure reason’, I won’t do that. Be humble. That’s all. I understand the need for validation, painfully so, but there’s a line that needs to be drawn on some posts like that.

16: Do you like tag games?

You bet your ass I do! I love how interesting they are and that people are eager to involve me in them! Like this one! :D

17: Do you like ask games?

*looks at all the asks I’ve done for Fane* I adore them. Let me talk about my son until the end of time, even if I repeat things because he’s still GROWING.

18.Do you have a crush on a mutual?

Not romantically, but do I think everyone is worthy of love and hugs and yelling, complimenting words that make your insides all fuzzy and warm? YES. LET ME YELL AT YOU AND HUG YOU. <3

Tagging (if you want to of course!): @little-lightning-lavellan @oxygenforthewicked @aymayzing @dreadfutures @whataboutbugs and anyone else who’d like to!

#about me #i'm just a little lurker bug XD #i try to be profound but i'm really just here for a good time with great people :3 #tagged

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thehollowworldofficial · 6 years

Text

Elise’s Pitch Wars Welcome!

Hello! My name is Elise Longden, and I’m writing this little introduction because I have written a manuscript and I’m planning to submit it to Pitch Wars, the mentoring programme!

Whilst this little blog is where I record my thoughts about my writing, I’ve never really introduced myself - mostly because I believed I would never let anyone see it. However, the Pitch Wars form has room for a website, and I would rather link this blog as opposed to my Twitter (which is inactive) or my Instagram (which is just full of cosplay and dog photos).

To clarify, I have written a book called “The Hollow World”.

Okay so, here’s some stuff about me:

Submission related stuff that potential mentors may be interested in:

In 2017 I won the UK National Flash Fiction Competition run by the University of Chester and was published in an anthology that had also once featured Margaret Atwood (SQUEE!). My piece entitled “Flotsam” can be found here:

http://www.chester.ac.uk/sites/files/chester/Longden%20Elise%20-%20Flotsam%20FINAL.pdf

I got an A* A-Level grade (It’s not to big myself up...just in case anyone not British doesn’t know what that means!!!!) in Creative Writing, and my coursework, which was 70% of my grade, was the first 30,000 words of my Pitch Wars manuscript.

The idea for “The Hollow World” came to me in a Film Studies class at college. After trying /(and failing) to come up for an idea to base a project around, my teacher gave me an exercise to generate some ideas. She took a few traits typical of Hollywood films, and told me to flip them on their head. Thus, “The Hollow World”, or at least a basis for it, was born, and three (ish) years later, I still can’t get it out of my head.

Basically the idea of Ashe came from my bizarre urge to see a tiny little girl violently killing things in a film. I thought I was being super original, but the film Logan beat me to it. I can’t even be mad, because Dafne Keen is so incredible?!

The reason why I’m submitting to Pitch Wars, is because I need help. That’s the bottom line. I have edited my manucript the best I can, but I need someone who can take what I’ve written and look at it from a fresh, and new perspective. I am new to the idea of getting my manucript published (though I have always dreamed I would), and navigating the crazy world of publishing and agents and general make-your-writing-an-actual-book stuff....is scary. And I really, really, need your help. I need someone who is honest who can tell me what needs to be done. I’ve done the best I can, and now I need someone who is better than me.

I draw, so here’s some pictures of the characters from the “The Hollow World”, that may hopefully pique your interest:

ASHE

MAGPIE

NADIA

CASSIDY

SOME FACES

SOME MORE FACES

Whilst these were drawn about a year ago and aren’t my best work, I’m hoping they entice potential mentors, just a ‘lil bit more! :)

Some general stuff about me:

I am a pretty happy and positive person, who loves to work hard. If I have a task or idea inside my head, I will hyperfixate on it until it’s done. For example...this manuscript was unfinished (by about 20,000 words) on the 1st of August. It was my first draft that I hadn’t read through, it was unformatted, it was riddled with errors and inconsistancies, but after meeting the lovely Tomi Adeyemi and talking to her about Pitch Wars, I decided to enter. So I took my jumbled mess, I put my butt into gear, and I spent day after day writing, writing, writing, until I felt happy enought to submit it. I also had to learn what I query letter was, because I am a publishing term noob. My point is, I am willing to push myself, and go all out at 110% percent, if that somehow helps me achieve what I want to achieve.

I am 19 and I live in the UK (specifically near Liverpool).

I cosplay as well! I’ve been Rey, Leia, and a generic Jedi from Star Wars, Margaery Tyrell and Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones, Pirate King Elizabeth Swann from Pirates of the Caribbean, and I spend 70% of my time in my 13th Doctor costume.

I love Hamilton, and can rap all of it. I love musicals in general tbh.

I have an unhealthy obsession with Moriarty from Sherlock Holmes.

Have I mentioned that the 13th Doctor is the best thing ever to happen to me?

I have a dinosaur hat that I wear whenever I’m sad, because it’s pretty impossible to be sad with a giant T-Rex on your head. And by “hat” I mean this thing:

Pretty majestic, right?

ANYWAY

I’m ace/aro, which is why my book features no romance.

I love my dog Rocky more than anything. He looks like this:

As well as a mentor who can teach me writer-y things, I’m also looking for a friend, so here’s some stuff I like:

TV Shows:

Merlin (the love of my life, tbh, and it broke my heart), DOCTOR WHO (especially the 13th Doctor, even though she hasn’t aired yet), Hannibal, Orphan Black, Sense 8, iZombie, TOP GEAR (Yes, the car show. I’m obsessed), Game of Thrones, Parks and Recreation, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Jessica Jones/any Netflix Marvel show, the 100 (early seasons because Lexa), RuPauls Drag Race, Queer Eye, Brooklyn 99, Stranger Things, Sherlock, Agent Carter...I’ve watched a lot okay?

Movies:

My ultimate favourite movie of all time is What We Do in the Shadows. Even if you’re not going to choose me as a mentee, then please what this dumb film. I love it. I LOVE IT. It’s dark comedy genius, and a real gem.

Other favourite films are: Wonder Woman, Ghostbusters (2017 version), Ocean’s 8 (will Cate Blanchett adopt me as her ace/aro child?), Marvel Films (particulary Thor: Ragnarok), Star Wars Films, Kingsman Films, John Wick Films, Pirates of the Carribbean Films, Harry Potter Films,Mad Max: Fury Road, Peter Pan Goes Wrong (if you pick me I’ll force you to watch it at some point, sorry), Disney Films (Mulan, Up!, and Hercules are my faves).

Books:

Some that don’t need an explanation: Harry Potter, A Song of Ice and Fire, His Dark Materials, Lord of the Rings. Anything by Neil Gaiman, Margaret Atwood, or Stephen King.

My favourite series, and arguably my “Harry Potter” is the Skulduggery Pleasant series by Derek Landy. I’ve met Derek multiple times, and his books are just hilarious, soul-destorying, and MAGIC. I love them.

A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers - Seriously, this Sci-Fi book is one of the most striking books I’ve ever read, mostly because it surprised me with it’s tender story, honest representations of real people, and general WOW-ness. I love it, and its flashbacks heavily influenced my own manuscript. You know when you love a book so much that you wish you could eat it? This is that book for me.

Moriarty by Antony Horowitz. My favourite villain of all time in a book that blew my mind? Yes please.

The Girl in 6E by A.R.Torre. I picked up this book for a quid in the supermarket, and it utterly suprised me. It’s about a sex-worker murder-obsessed cam girl who is asked to act out something on camera that’s a little too disturbing, so she tracks down the man who asked her in order to save a little girl from a vile act. Think Maestra meets The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. It’s not the most sophisticated reading with all of the bizarre sexual stuff, but the wit and exasperation of the main character makes up for it. I love anything that surprises me, and this book was something I'd never seen before.

Anything (memoir or fiction) by Carrie Fisher. As a Star Wars nerd I knew I would love her work, but when I read them I was blown away by how poignant, poetic, and wonderous Carrie Fisher’s writing is. She seems to find the perfect balance between humour and emotion, and reading them was a genuine joy. Each funny sentence makes me laugh out loud, but each serious sentence is heavy, poised, and so amazingly crafted and emotional.

Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi. I was lucky enough to meet Tomi on her UK tour, and I gave her my very long letter and a portfolio of art. I love the book, and I love even more what it stands for, and there’s not much else I can really say.

Other books I loved in no order: The Power by Naomi Alderman, The Cursed Prince by Holly Black, The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins, the Chaos Walking series by Patrick Ness, the Percy Jackson series by Rick Riordan, Throne of Glass by Sarah J Maas, The Time Traveller’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, the Gone series by Michael Grant, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, The Martian and Artemis by Andy Weir, Lost Stars by Claudia Gray, Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, Room by Emma Donoghue, Wicked by Gregory Maguire....and a helluva lot more....

And just so you know, here’s what I look like:

(I’m the human dressed as the 13th Doctor)

Hopefully this gives you an idea about me and my personality! I’m sorry this is so long, I just wanted to make sure I came across in an okay way! If any potential mentors are reading this, thank you for taking the time to!

If you want to read the notes/journal entries I kept on this blog when I was writing and editing my manucript, just search the tag #update!

My Twitter is: https://twitter.com/EliseLongden

My Instagram is: instagram.com/elise.longden/ (here you will find a lot of cosplay and dog pictures, and I’m not sorry)

If you have any questions or anything else you want to know, please feel free to shoot me an ask! Or just say hi!

#pitch wars #personal #elise's pitch wars welcome

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