#i was asked recently by a nonbinary coworker how i felt about my gender and yeah that's kind of it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ask-whitepearl-and-steven · 4 years

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Hey Chekhov, I'm gonna say in advance that if this ask is too invasive and/or personal, please ignore it. I recently came out to my best friend(and myself) that I am nonbinary, and the thing that made me realize was that I had experienced pretty bad gender dysphoria when I was younger(w/o having a term to describe it). I am curious in your own experiences with dysphoria, whether you had any, how it was for you, etc.

Aight, I’m gonna put this under a cut because I’m sure no one else need to be reading through my life story (which is painfully boring):

Basically to get a few things out of the way immediately because I know there will be some people reading this looking to poke fun at me for it, so this first part is for you - to give you something to do with your time because I pity you:

I identify as agender, I consider myself to fall under the umbrella term ‘nonbinary’, and I have felt this way throughout basically... my whole life. (Granted, I also did not have words for this until I was in my late teens.)

I’ve used the word agender for myselg for about 10 years now, my views regarding my gender have not shifted - and I hate the presumption that there are ‘trans-trenders’ out there. I don’t personally believe that is a thing. I think exploring your gender feelings and your gender presentation and etc is super cool and an interesting thing to do.

I believe negotiating yourself socially with regards to your gender is actually quite healthy, so if you think it’s “just a call for attention” then we already disagree.

People want to be perceived in specific ways. That’s not a novel concept. Most people have an image of themselves they like to broadcast to the world. (Strong, smart, witty, friendly, a salesman, an artist, a feminine icon, etc.) This has been true for CENTURIES. It just so happens that now we can finally be more flexible in how we perceive gender without life threatening repercussions, so many more people are open to the idea of doing it.

I do not believe that one must have dysphoria to be trans/non-binary, although obviously many transgender people do. I believe the defining experience of identifying as trans is a GOAL of how you want to be perceived or how you want yourself to be defined in society, because - again - I believe gender is socially and culturally negotiated.

If you disagree with any of this - cool. You can send a message to my main tumblr @thechekhov and yell at me about it if that’s how you enjoy spending your time, but I cannot promise I’ll answer you because frankly I have hobbies and shit I enjoy doing, so I’ll probably be doing that instead.

And as an off-topic mention: I don’t personally identify as ‘trans’ (although many nonbinary people obviously do, and have every right to) and there’s a lot that goes into that but the bottom line is that I just don’t want to take up space in that community because I personally don’t want to ‘transition’ and that’s not a part of my identity in that big of a way.

But regardless of that:

To get to the meat of it (and get ready to be thoroughly disappointed if you’re carnivorous because I am the worst person to ask about this.)

I drew the lucky lottery ticket of genetics and scored well in two fields:

1) I’m white (bears mentioning, because people of color honestly get so much more shit for being nonbinary)

2) I’m naturally relatively slim and puberty kinda grazed me instead of hitting me head on. I never developed overt (publically visible) secondary sexual characteristics for my ‘assigned’ gender.

So by and by, I’m actually already WAY not the person to talk to about this because I got off easy and I’ve never actually had any big amounts of dysphoria. Other people had dysphoria FOR me (my grandmother lamented my androgyny on my behalf) - but I was always quite comfortable with my body.

It also has to be mentioned that I never actually actively cared about my body. I was briefly invested in fashion in high school, and through college experimented with fashion and various haircuts, but three out of the five days a week I literally do not look in the mirror before I go to work. And this has nothing to do with hating how I look - I just forget to. So... I suppose that says something about me. Not sure what. (My coworkers have never complained terribly about what I wear, so presumably I do a swell enough job of passing as a human being with functioning eyes).

That being said - when I dress to my assigned gender, I often get comments that kind of skim the borderline of “oh, finally, you’re normal for a change”. They’re always well-meant, but quite surprised, because I feel like people have come to expect me to dress a little weirdly.

And that isn’t to say I haven’t experienced disgruntlement with how I’m perceived. People often purposefully gender me at work - and that’s not a totally bad thing, and I don’t blame them for it. The country I live in has close to ZERO knowledge of non-binary identities, even WITHIN the local LGBTQA+ community, so I can’t expect others to know anything more. But I think my ability to not care about this spills over from my ability to not care about my appearance. It’s just a handy little personality trait - I am blissfully indifferent to what others think of me 90% of the time (as for the other 10%... well... we all have bad days. I’m not totally emotionless.)

Perhaps this will get me into hot water but - I’ve never once corrected a person about my own gender. I’ve been fully comfortable in it, and I am aware of it in my own head but as someone who has been in the closet about my bisexuality for over 10 years, I am not invested in risking social retaliation for the sake of something I know 90% of the people around me will not understand - or perhaps purposefully misunderstand.

If asked about it I’m rather forthright, and I make jokes about it with friends, but other than that I just kind of.... live my life. Whether or not I’m ‘clearly nonbinary’ to my peers is up for debate - I like to think I am, but like the metaphorical mirror that I avoid looking into, I never actually questioned any of my irl friends about how well I ‘pass’ or... don’t, I guess? But it’s not actually that important to me. I dress how I enjoy dressing, which is, I think, the most important thing (and it confuses the students a bit, they can’t gender me as successfully as adults can).

And that’s all I need, really.

Cheers.

#chekhov answers #nonbinary nb #enby #agender #Anonymous

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

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Pan? Polysexual sounds better now

Back to guys, gay girls, nonbinaries, pan, bi, gender-fluid, and queer people.

I might have to take a recap on matches who are trans for right now,

I still have a lot to learn about what my true identity is for right now.

Because I really can't stick to just one label...

Aye, that's just me. And dating apps are starting to feel like a job, there's too many people matching with me and trying to remember names is getting a lot to handle when you're on 3 different apps and about 20 conversations going at the same time. And still 99 people waiting on you to swipe right on them, on each one. And plus I'm not as picky about looks as I was before, so I'm mostly reading just bios, analyzing photos to see what could be their interests in, and making sure I'm not being too passive on red flags when people talk to you.

I will admit, I still swipe right on them if they're trans and I'm attracted to them. I just know me, I'd rather date someone who was fully transitioned or somebody who is still on the nonbinary, before part. Only because I know me.

I had to watch someone I had already grown into getting to know and getting attached to, and then when I finally got comfortable with them for over a yr, they changed that drastically during those 3months we were separate and I had no idea about it.....I'm not sure if I could watch it happen before my eyes. Cause then I would have to miss the way they were before, because of my attraction to their naturally mixed feminine/masculine looking features and actions. So, ideally I wouldn't have changed anything about them.

I don't wanna grow attached to a voice or a face or a body that will no longer be there tomorrow. I know that person before is still in there, but it's different when you're romantically attracted to them, been intimate with them vs when you're just a friend. My experience shocked and scared my paranoia and fear of change. I remember crying when my dad started growing white and grey hairs in his beard. Cause I never want my dad to change, cause I've grown up with him being this strong man that always was there for me, held me, made me feel safe, calmed me down when I had my moments, and tucked me in when I wanted to feel comfortable. He showed me that he always loved me, always cared about me, and that he was never gonna leave me. As if he's never gonna die during my time on this earth. Seeing his greyishly, white hairs, I thought death and that my daddy will soon no longer be the fun, happy, strong dad that I've always been with as his princess. And that's kind of what vibe this particular person was to me, even though they weren't as smart, strong, or always there for me....cause most of the time my nights alone cause they couldn't or didn't know I needed them to be there fo r me like that to feel loved or just to feel wanted. Cause I couldn't speak up.

But now, that they has turned into a he. I feel like its brutally denying me to chance to not only say goodbye to them as they, but I would have to get reacquainted to HE, with a totally different name, maybe different personality, maybe different sexuality, and I won't know if I like the new evolved version of this person. The fear of the unknown is high for me. Especially when there's a 40% rate of fems that decided to change their sexual orientation after taking testosterone. I 'm possessive about my partners and I would hate to know that after seeing this person physically change and go through so much emotional/mental changes that one day they decide "Hey, I think I like men now, I wanna give this a shot. Could we make this work?"

I would tell Him, to go right ahead and go on a date with that coworker or guy on Tinder/Grinder. But I'm not gonna be here when you come home. Because to me that's some bullshit. And I've known this person well enough to know, that they don't mind using other people to meet their sexual needs that I can't possibly give them due to my actual gender and my body as such. I wouldn't want to share my partner, nor watch them get fucked by another man...because I'm not a man, im a woman...theres a huuuuuugggeeee difference.

And if it ever came to that point 3 yrs later and He became someone I didn't know anymore, because of the hormones changing how they feel as a man, dysphoria gone....I get it, you've hated yourself for years and now you're happy in the dream body you always asked for. But, I would be scared to lose you, to whoever else you decide to open up to in your selections. Cause you're that type to leave to please you and not make it work. I don't want somebody who changes their mind all the time about who they wanna be, who else do they wanna smash, and who else they can flirt with. That's cheater mentality.

And I'm sorry trans community that I'm basing my recent experience with someone as the example for the rest of you. Because I know there are some ftm's who've already changed and stayed with their partners. I just don't know if I could trust this process, knowing the effects, the research on whether or not they become completely detached to women or become bisexual... I can't.

And I'm thankful for the ftm's that have been posting youtube videos and tiktoks for viewers like me who are curious about the possible cons, and physical or emotional changes they've overcome. I was shocked the first time I ever watched a bandaged ftm, who finally unrevealed their scars from top surgery. I've always been preparing myself for this. Because I knew one day, that this cute, fluffy, soft skinned, white latino looking, but really just mixed mocha, nonbinary person was gonna be...changed over a year or so. I thought I could prepare for it, so that when it does happen it doesn't hurt as much to watch to them in pain if the bleeding from the scars are irritating them or if one day they're super cranky and obnoxious for what seems to be no reason. Or if one day they end up feeling they dont need anybody like Zanthos, with the 4 avenger rings lol.

But I'm too damn fucking sensitive. I was born this way. I've always prepared myself with the worst and the best information, that way when it does happen, the tidal wave of emotions from the reaction, doesn't end up torching my soul or blowing me out the water. Cause I am gay. I adore women, men, and when I met this person I loved them as an in-betweener as nonbinary. They are so brutally harsh, twisted, manipulative, jealous, and possesive. But I've always liked that they had these emotions inside of them that they hold back because they don't wanna seem so soft, always hiding this feminine quality about them because ideally, they're pretty looking, gorgeous eyes that can turn black cold like obsidian, and those fucking cheeks and cat nose. I've only seen the slight hips, but I didn't mind it. And they've always hid their body away even when we would try to have sex. I knew the dysphoria was there, cause again I prepared myself to be patient and kind.

So, I'm glad they're turning a new leaf to make themselves feel more confident about being recognized in society as a full, grown ass man. I'm pretty sure HE, is gonna get cocky af, cause that's just the way he was when they were they.

I know it's selfish of me to say, but I'm afraid of what will happen down the line years later. But that's just me being afraid. If He ends up not liking me anymore, I know it won't be the end of the world and I walked away at the right time when I did. Because this person is currently separated from me, and I'm still insecure about that part too. Not knowing how they are during this transition for what may become years or not...I hope HE is doing okay and not piercing everyone with their new, world domination, ego.

I just don't wanna imagine them get fucked by a guy....sorry that's just me. And will their buttery ass kisses, still be as sweet anymore?

Will I be ok with HE having chest hair?

Will I love the sound of their new voice or will I just hate it, while still missing the old, brodie, sexy, slightly feminine voice?

Especially when they used to go all soft and cuddly on me over the phone, it was soooo cuteeee. I miss our phone and text conversations.

Will they grow into another relationship with somebody else because they started to become unattached and unattracted to my body, my tits, my hips, my vagina even....just because they completely changed their identity?

And I still a woman? I've only thought about wearing a binder a couple of times, and yes, I do watch ftm and trans porn because I did like the fantasy of being intimate with someone who had a bigger clit size or just having a big clit of my own that felt like a dick.

I'm willing to admit that. Because let's be honest, boys get away with so much more shit as a male, compared to us females.

I wish I could grow a dick overnight and nobody not know I'm still a chick! Lol, but I still don't like the all over hair body growth and I still want my vagina back. Like a rental suit with an actual dick and no tits. Those are the onllyyyyyyyyy things I've thought about, but would never admit out loud. Only because I still like my body and my gender identity as is. I feel like the blue girl from X-Men could get away with it, cause she can be anybody she wants to and go back to being herself at the end of the day. And still camouflage behind walls. Lucky chick. Especially if she could teleport, oh he'll yeah.

It's gonna take me awhile to get over this, so please be patient with me. As I'm trying not to cry as I watch my ftm porn get fucked by a guy. Cause I used to be heavy into it, now I feel wrong for watching it and then I'm reminded "40% chance, you're watching it" 😞🤮😫

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trans-advice · 4 years

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Hey, for the past 5 or so years I have privately identified as nonbinary or not conforming to any gender, and even recently requested that my boss and coworkers use they/them pronouns. About a month ago I stumbled across a "gender critical" blog and started reading it. I know it's a bad idea to engage with trolls, especially when it will impact your sense of self, but I felt restless that my existence was being debated and wanted to hear the other side. Now I am feeling confused (1 o 2 asks)

I’m feeling confused and gross, wondering if all this time I have been actually working against my own feminist beliefs, or if I’m just being naive and getting indoctrinated. Like,I worry about me being a female who simply didn’t subscribe to gender stereotypes, tricking myself into thinking I"wasn’t like the other girls". I have also been wondering about what it means to identify into an oppressed group, and why we can’t talk about it without being dismissed as a dumb TERF. (1 o 2 asks) Thx

— Eve: CW: long post, possibly rambley, could’ve used better editing, transphobia, “gender critical”, recuperation, discussion of “terf” politics, recuperation of liberation movements, politics, oppression, rape culture, anti-fascist, anti-capitalist,

So basically I have tried for almost 4 weeks to write a response detailing this stuff. however it’s gotten too unwieldy. i tried to condense it, but this was as close as i got. it’s practically like 3 drafts back to back. I couldn’t figure out the differences & when i saw similarities it seemed significantly different enough. so I’m not editing any further. here’s a mindvomit. i wish i had this more polished but I can’t do that & i didn’t get a response.

however I’m going to make a history book recommendation, a referral to gendercensus2020, and i need to emphasize that these are much more like personal beliefs & not generally the tone of this blog which aims to give advice & positivity, while this is inherently political, the good bad & ugly. and there are trans people of various persuasions so I don’t want alienate them. i dissecting some ideologies that are transphobic, how they became that, how they got recuperated, and how you can find the same concerns being addressed. I’m answering this because it totally makes sense to me that this is asked in good faith & I want to respect your concerns & show that there are better methods of liberation activism that are trans affirmative, or at least must become & develop into such.

So I’m going to recommend the book “Transgender History (Second Edition)” by Susan Stryker, which I have put on our blog’s google drive account, so hence a link. It goes into the historic common ground between the feminists & LGBT+ peoples. It also gets into historic movements. And on top of that, the first chapter is literally a list of terminology deconstructing gender, which is also helpful for analyzing topics feminism analyzes..

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1IvCwNvCJ_EiDmOer4zS8SbFGz4m-WDJ1

another thing you need to know regarding the label lesbian back in the day is that it was a catchall for any woman who didn’t have sex with men. now granted, this was a cisnormative understanding, but basically lesbians included celibate women, asexual women, and of course bisexual women in addition to gay women.

basically the normal advice of wait til you have your own money to have sex, wait til your mid 20s, don’t rely on a man to pay your bills etc, all of this comes from political lesbianism, which was like be celibate or else have sex that doesn’t involve sperm. (granted, communities cannot be monoliths if they want to be ecosystems, like any movement label there are different interpretations made by members of it, and therefore there are some strands that uphold a homonormative appreciation for conversion therapy. perhaps a middle ground for understanding how that happened is that joke about macho sexuality purity “if a man masturbates with his hand, he’s using a man’s hand to get off, then it’s gay.” granted, there was of course a political/economic reason to this, but still, it seems in terms of history that this joke was considered actually legitimate.)

“lesbian” was a catchall for women who didn’t have sex with men. this included ace, celibate & gynephiliac women. part of the reason these communities were conflated again had to do with the economic pressures to get married which I’ll detail a few paragraphs from now. (while this next thought could be incorrect because I did just learn about ‘compulsory heterosexuality" a month ago, I think the vestiges of those economic pressures are basically the gist of “comphet”.) the goal of political lesbian as well as lesbian separatism was to build an economy/get money that didn’t require submission to patriarchy, via marriage, pregnancy etc. so basically in an effort to build like support networks, “men” were shunned as much as possible.

however these networks ended up replicating capitalism, (partly due to oppression against communes & other anti-capitalist activities) which then replicated the oppressions of capitalism. it makes sense that transphobia had formed of assimilation/respectability politics for such feminists. To quote from the criticism section of the Wikipedia article on the women’s liberation movement.

> The philosophy practised by liberationists assumed a global sisterhood of support working to eliminate inequality without acknowledging that women were not united; other factors, such as age, class, ethnicity, and opportunity (or lack thereof) created spheres wherein women’s interests diverged, and some women felt underrepresented by the WLM.[208] While many women gained an awareness of how sexism permeated their lives, they did not become radicalized and were uninterested in overthrowing society. They made changes in their lives to address their individual needs and social arrangements, but were unwilling to take action on issues that might threaten their socio-economic status.[209] Liberationist theory also failed to recognize a fundamental difference in fighting oppression. Combating sexism had an internal component, whereby one could change the basic power structures within family units and personal spheres to eliminate the inequality. Class struggle and the fight against racism are solely external challenges, requiring public action to eradicate inequality.[210] >

birth control helped to liberate women & that accommodation/handicap for reproductive health disabilities (disability is merely inability to do something that’s Normative. so if having a uterus, pregnancy/menstruation/having breasts etc aren’t considered normal, which is especially common in a patriarchal society for these examples, then it’s disability.) It should be said that due to the desire for bodily autonomy to regulate our own body parts, as well as a desire to manage our fertility & sterilization, the transgender movement has a lot in common with feminism’s female-as-disability movement.)

it should also be noted that before the medical transitioning became accessible that us trans people relied a lot more on social transitioning than medical transitioning. it should also be mentioned that the medical procedures are available & used by cisgender people too.

that being said, since both cis females & transgender women were denied birth control etc, there was a very intense fear of impregnation happening & trans women going back in the closet not only to get money under patriarchy but also because life raising a kid is hard. like if you’ve ever seen “the stepford wives” & look at how the ally husband betrays his feminist wife, then that should clue us into how a lack of birth control scared us.

the problem with the school of feminism that emphasizes physiological sex over gender identity (in order to deny the existence of trans people with female-organs or not) is that it doesn’t account for birth control & how that’s affected the landscape, the economy etc, the revolutionary impact of birth control basically. it also ignores that trans people & cis women feminists have the same goals when it comes to getting freedoms about reproductive rights & bodily autonomy. therefore it ends up being transphobic & wanting to run back into the times when we didn’t have abortion access because they want to hurt us.

That being said though, we need to have birth control & more in order to help liberate trans people too, so if somewhere doesn’t have birth control, then we’re not doing well either because it’d pay a lot more to be transphobic (which of course it doesn’t now when we have birth control & various medical & other technologies). i think what I’m trying to say is that similar to disability accomodations clashing with each other, if we of the women’s liberation, the trans liberation, and the gay & lesbian liberation, and the bisexual & ace liberation get stranded then we’re all doomed. granted we might be doing that due to defensiveness with hostility similar to how in the 1980s feminism got very conservative in USA & how some transgender people get spared in systems with strict gender conformity & anticolonialist values, it’d be wrong to say that all our liberations are in conflict with each other. they can be mishandled, but ultimately, safety still tends to favor cisheteropatriarchal people. internalized patriarchal thinking is like internalized queerphobia, and so forth.

I want to emphasize that it is relatively easy for transgender people especially nonbinary people to find gender critical discourse somewhat appealing. Here’s why: TERFs & Gender Critical discourse is agender-normative disability discourse regarding reproductive health & other AFAB organs. (a disability is being unable to do things that society considers normative. so if you can’t drive & your locale de facto requires it, then that’s a disability. also in usa you’ll find that pregnancy & disability are the main things welfare programs prioritize. a pregnancy can be harmful, but can be easier with the right monitoring etc. which again is the same with disability.)

the problem though is that they then insist on misgendering you as one of the binary genders based on objectification of your body (specifically, “morphology”). point being, because you feel dysphoric over being misgendered as something nonbinary as being mislabeled as cisgender, this implies that you are indeed transgender.

https://gendercensus.com/post/612238605773111296/the-gender-census-2020-is-now-open

—

Now to be clear, there are historical economic considerations that made the decisions to specialize on the intersectionality of cisgender AFABs, but the economy & technology has changed. Basically marriage back in the day was economically necessary because there was effectively no birth control available. Therefore, to get child support etc, required getting the father to pay the consequences. However, marriage was very much a chattel property institution, marital rape was still legal, and women couldn’t get credit etc in our own names.

At the same time, similar to birth control being unavailable, hormones & other procedures for medically transitioning trans people were unavailable as well, which meant social transitioning & wardrobe etc were the main methods of affirming our gender. however, we sometimes got lucky & had a doctor write us a note affirming our gender & sometimes we got even luckier & govts accepted this. this however required getting labelled sick & begging doctors to give us treatment & getting money for this since insurance companies etc still discriminated against transgender people even when we agreed to have our gender identity situation labelled as sick & medically necessary. (similarly insurance companies still refuse to cover abortions & so do some doctors & hospitals.)

So this meant that AFABs were concerned about getting hijacked via impregnation. Because of the patriarchal economics of the whole thing, people were afraid of “the stepford wives” repeating itself in their own lives, where the mind can only handle what the ass can stand would mean trans women would go back into the closet.

Granted, that’s a bit misrepresentative of trans women & trans people because trans people & cis women who can get pregnant do have a lot more in common. we take the same meds, go to the same clinics, menopause etc gets taken due to distress over how our bodies work, etc. then again, how would trans AMAB people have gotten the money for child support?

historically & still to this day we basically had to beg doctors for the ability to get hormones to get a surgery to get a gender marker change & so on, which granted, what we trans people had available to us varied from locale to locale because it required collaborations of trans people, doctors, and the local govts & especially their police stations. again, before roe v wade abortion providers were super underground & secretive & there were specialized units at police stations for hunting down patients & providers under the charge of “murder”. it’s the same dynamics.

seriously trans people & people with bodies that can get pregnant, menstruate, menopause, etc, we go to the same clinics! women’s health clinics take trans patients, planned parenthood takes trans patients, do i need to go any further on how trans people & feminists have the same interests regarding reproductive health?

—

as for political lesbianism:

basically the normal advice of wait til you have your own money before having sex, wait til your mid 20s, don’t rely on a man to pay your bills etc, all of this comes from political lesbianism, which was like be celibate or else have sex that doesn’t involve sperm. (i’m not sure what the conditions were like surrounding not piv sex among the straights, and therefore what the likelihood of avoiding piv sex was. I do know that rape culture was much more heavily normalized than it is now.)

“Lesbian” was a catchall for women who didn’t have sex with men. this included: - ace, - celibate - bisexual - gay women. Part of the reason these communities were conflated again had to do with the economic pressures to get married, (while this next statement could be incorrect because i did just learn about ‘compulsory heterosexuality" a month ago, i think the vestiges of those economic pressures such as weddings are basically the gist of “comphet”.)

The goal of Political Lesbianism as well as Lesbian Separatism was to build an economy that didn’t require submission to patriarchy, such as that of marriage, pregnancy etc. In efforts to build like support networks, “men” were shunned as much as possible.

However these networks, (partly due to lacking radicalization) ended up replicating capitalism, (partly due to oppression against communes & other anti-capitalist activities) which then replicated the oppressions of capitalism. It makes sense that transphobia had formed of assimilation/respectability politics for such feminists. To quote from the criticism section of the Wikipedia article on the women’s liberation movement.

> “The philosophy practised by liberationists assumed a global sisterhood of support working to eliminate inequality without acknowledging that women were not united; other factors, such as age, class, ethnicity, and opportunity (or lack thereof) created spheres wherein women’s interests diverged, and some women felt underrepresented by the WLM.[208] While many women gained an awareness of how sexism permeated their lives, they did not become radicalized and were uninterested in overthrowing society. They made changes in their lives to address their individual needs and social arrangements, but were unwilling to take action on issues that might threaten their socio-economic status.[209] Liberationist theory also failed to recognize a fundamental difference in fighting oppression. Combating sexism had an internal component, whereby one could change the basic power structures within family units and personal spheres to eliminate the inequality. Class struggle and the fight against racism are solely external challenges, requiring public action to eradicate inequality.[210]”

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transadvice · 4 years

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Sample Coming Out Letters

Folks have asked for coming out letter advice before, and since I always work best to a formula, I decided to sit down down and write a formula.

The Formula

Dear [recipient],

[Reason you're writing a letter.] [Plain statement of what you're coming out about.] [Brief explanation/what this means.] [What it means to you to be sharing this news.]

[optional paragraph, for close people: A sentence or two on your personal history][The first time you felt different] [Your past / what it was like for you] [Your present / what it's like for you now] [Your future / what you hope for]

[Call to action: what you want the recipient to change]

[optional: suggestions for more resources]

[optional: sincere offer of follow-up conversation; think hard about whether you want to make this promise]

[What WON'T change] [Affirmation of relationship] [Sign-off],

[Your new name] [Your new pronouns]

Long example: a letter to parents

This example has all the bells and whistles, including a past/present/future rundown, a resource list, and an offer to speak more. If you work off this letter, be sure to take out anything you don’t agree with, adjust to describe your feelings, and swap in any resources that are relevant to you.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm both thrilled and nervous to be writing to share something really important with you. I'm nonbinary. This means that I don't identify as either a woman or a man. Understanding this about myself has helped me to make sense of my life and feel more comfortable in my skin than I ever have before, and so I'm sharing it with you so that you can understand me better, too!

Ever since I was twelve or thirteen years old, I felt like I didn't fit in with either girls or boys, and that I was different. I never got used to the changes puberty made to my body, and being called "she" or "her" or checking off "Ms." on forms felt like an ill-fitting sweater. I waited for these feelings to go away, but they never did. A few years ago, a friend of mine came out as nonbinary, and it was like lightning hit. Suddenly, I had a word for the things I'd been feeling since I was a teenager. Recently, I've asked Chris and few other trusted friends to call me by a new name, Taylor, and to use they/them pronouns for me. I've also been experimenting with the clothes I wear, my hair, and other ways of looking more androgynous. Frankly, it feels great! I feel so much more comfortable this way than I ever have before. I'm not sure what the future will bring, but I know that this feels right.

So, what's changing for you? Mainly, just my name and my pronouns. Please call me Taylor from now on, and refer to me with the pronouns they/them/theirs. I would also prefer if you don't use gendered language to talk about me. For example, instead of calling me "your daughter," you could call me "your child" or "your kid."

I know that this might be a big adjustment, especially if you're not used to using they/them pronouns for people. Here are some resources you might find helpful:

Defining nonbinary: https://www.mykidisgay.com/blog/defining-non-binary

About they/them pronouns:

https://www.mykidisgay.com/blog/defining-theythem-pronouns

A parent wrote this about getting used to their kid using they/them pronouns: https://www.mykidisgay.com/blog/adjusting-to-your-kid-using-theythem-pronouns

“The Quick and Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns” by Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimerson is a cute comic book packed with information

For support (and maybe even meeting up with other parents in person): PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) does a ton of work with nonbinary and trans folks and their families. https://pflag.org/resource/our-children

I'll be happy to answer any other questions you have on Friday, when we have our usual dinner.

No matter what my name, pronouns, or gender, I will always be your child, and I will always love you.

Love,

Taylor (they/them/theirs)

Long example: a letter to a close friend

You don’t need to have your identity fully worked out before you come out! You can also feel free to use plenty of personality and talk to the person the way you normally do.

Hey J! I wanted to share some news with you before we meet up next month. I'm trans! I think I'm some flavor of nonbinary or trans man, but I'm not entirely sure yet. I'm only sharing this with close friends for now, and you’re one of the inner circle top friends I absolutely had to tell right away.

Not much has changed yet. When you see me, I'll probably dressed a little more androgynously than I used to. I'm still working out my look. (Maybe you can take me shopping.) I also haven't settled on a new name yet, so you can keep calling me Ginny for now. I'll let you know if that changes.

What I would like to do is to start using new pronouns. The pronouns I’m trying out are xe, hir, hirs as in "Where's Ginny? Xe left hir book on the table. Is this phone yours or hirs?" Not everyone knows my pronouns yet, so you can feel free to still use she/her when talking to most people, but I'd love if you could use xe/hir when we're alone or with Daisy and Joe. Or even when you think about me to yourself!

Since I've been working this out, I keep thinking about school, and how I always used to want to play the guy parts in the play. That sure makes more sense to me now. I also keep remembering what a great friend you were to me, and how much fun we used to have together, even when I was at my most confused. You always knew how to cheer me up. I'll always remember that.

I'm so, so, so looking forward to your visit! I read the tarot and it says there will be lots of drunk karaoke.

Yours till Niagara falls,

Ginny(xe/hir/hirs)

Short example: a group letter to coworkers

For business relationships, even friendly ones, you can skip the soul-searching and keep things upbeat and action item focused. Think of coworkers who announce other happy news that touches on work, such as a marriage, baby, promotion, or move.

Good morning all!

I have an announcement to make: I'm transgender! I'm in the process of transitioning from male to female. This is a really exciting time for me, and I'm pleased to be ready to share this news with the wider world.

From now on, please refer to me as Sarah and use she/her pronouns for me. I'll also begin using my new email address, which is CC'd.

I'm looking forward to continuing our great work on the Jenkins project. Thanks for being a fantastic team.

Sincerely,

Sarah Haversham (she/her/hers)

Short example: a letter to a landlord

Some relationships are so businesslike that you don’t even need to make an identity announcement: you can just skip to the need-to-know changes.

Hi Janet,

I wanted to let you know that I’ve legally changed my name, so there will be a different name on my rent check this month. My new name is Will Ladislaw, and my pronouns are he/him/his.

Cheers,

Will

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sugarless-suki-writes · 5 years

Text

Panic

Rating: T Word Count: 2,998

Read on Ao3

Support me on Ko-Fi!

More vent, yay;;;;

Appearance are based on my sona

CW/TW: Stalking, Identity Crisis

(Left to Right: Suki, Plum & Bug. Art by @bitter-plum-art

As soon as Suki walked through the door, they made direct eye contact with him. They kept their expression stoic, quickly turning into the hallway and walking towards the sever's station. They didn’t know he’d be working tonight. They should’ve. He always worked weekends. Their stomach started to knot, a hard ball forming in the pit of their stomach as their hands began to shake.

The Hanged Man, See No Evil.

Their jaw set as their fangs dug into the skin of their lip. What utter bullshit.... What kind of cryptic bullshit was that? What did he think sending them a weird, cryptic, “poetic” message would do? And to send one to the other two? Suki didn’t care for that, not at all....

With a sigh, they walked up to the front, greeting their friends and coworkers as they set their bag down, then proceeded to head towards the back once more to get dressed.

The uniform was easy to put on, and they did it quickly. They then went into the server’s station to make themselves a drink, a cucumber water; they were trying to get better about drinking water and cut back on their soda/caffeine intake.

Their hands were trembling.

As they plopped the cucumbers in the glass and reached for the ice scoop, they heard the dish bin get slammed down and a chill ran down their spine as they felt eyes on them.

He was there.

They didn’t dare turn around.

Thankfully he didn’t stick around to stare but so long. Once they felt his eyes leave, Suki turned around to fill their glass with water. They almost dropped the glass in the sink.

Their head was pounding, their stomach was doing flips, and they felt like they could puke.

They set the water down on the table in the server’s station and ripped the paper off of a straw, sticking it in and casually tossing the paper to the side, towards the trash can. They took a long sip before reaching for the pill bottle on the counter, pressing down on the cap and unscrewing it. The grabbed two excedrin and then closed the bottle. Taking another sip of water, they popped the pills in their mouth and swallowed. The orthodontist today was rough, they didn’t need creepy stalker man on top of it. At least they could kill their headache.

They took another sip of water, soothing the strange feeling in their throat. It was still new to them to swallow pills; they still had to fight off the innate fear that tried desperately to claw its way to the surface. Why their preschool teachers thought it was a good idea to give four year olds hard candy, they would never understand. But at least now they were working past it.

Suki made their way back up to the front, just in time for their first table to walk in. A 5 top. Great. Seems like this is how their Friday night was going to go.

Once they were seated, Suki greeted them warmly. Two of the five were still on their way, but they all wanted water, and 3 iced coffees. Easy. They went to the back and put in the iced coffee orders and grabbed a tray. They set everything up before making the waters and bringing them out to the table. Once that was done, they went back into the kitchen, walking to the sushi bar and grabbing the three containers that held the coffee grounds.

Eyes.

They made quick work of walking back to the sever’s station. They uncapped the coffee and poured the grounds into the brewer and poured hot water into all three. They then turned around to make three glasses of ice, for the coffee.

Eyes.

Pressure.

Presence.

Stop stop stop stop stop.

Once the glasses were done, Suki turned around and, lo and behold, there he was. He was pretending to look at the coffee they were brewing. Suki slid past him, trying to keep some form of distance from him in the confined space, but he had started to turn around, making the space smaller and almost touching them. They did their best to not grimace, focusing on getting their tray prepped.

They could see him out of the corner of their eyes, taking his time putting ice in his cup, moving so much slower than usual. Standing in front of the soda machine and just staring.

Eyes. Eyes. Eyes.

The Hanged Man, See No Evil.

Suki was quick to walk out of the sever’s station, plastering a warm, welcoming, fake smile on their face.

Their customers were nice. Suki wished they could enjoy them....

It shouldn’t be like this. They shouldn’t have this overwhelming sense of dread coming into their place of work. They felt safer walking the downtown city streets alone at night than in their own workplace.

Every single male/male-presenting person they had interacted with/met lately had just been... awful. Of course, male-presenting people always set off at least one or two red flags, they all did. Every single one of them. That was normal, even though it shouldn’t be. You just have to ignore them before you can properly judge a person. That’s what they did with this guy.

He set off some flags. The three of them thought he might just be weird. Nothing wrong with weird. He barely talked. Could barely make eye contact with them. They talked about DND one night, and so he made a Discord account so he could join in a campaign.

That’s when it started. He friended Suki and Bug, but did absolutely nothing with Plum. He started messaging Suki. Just a sentence a night. Never replied to anything Suki said. One night, he sent them a compliment. Being polite, they thanked him. Then they changed their hair. It was the first time they had ever dyed it. They were so excited.

They came in to do the numbers for the restaurant that night, and as they were leaving, one of the managers walking with them, as he always did. (Previous employees had been attacked at night, so he went out with all the servers to make sure they got to their cars safe). They turned to wish the others a good night. He looked up, said some garbled nonsense, not even really words, something akin to a verbal keysmash, and went back to the dishes. Their manager laughed his fucking ass off. Suki simply raised an eyebrow as they furrowed together and let out a weird chuckle, mostly laughing because their manager was losing his mind and that always made them laugh.

“What was that?” he had asked as they walked out the door, before it had even closed behind them.

“I have no idea.”

That night he sent them a message, saying he was “taken aback”. It had made them slightly uncomfortable but they said thank you anyway. In all honesty, they thought it was kind of funny. Did he have a crush? After only talking to them a grand total of 5 times, each of those times just being one sentence from the both of them? They had to admit, it was a little ridiculous.

Then he had asked them out to lunch, and Suki was just... taken aback. It was unexpected. They... barely knew each other? He couldn’t even look them in the eye. They meant to reply, they really did, but they just kept forgetting, and every way they tried to phrase it in their head just sounded mean so they just.... didn’t.

The bell in the back dinged, drawing Suki out of their thoughts. Their food was ready. They let out a huff and stood up from the server’s table and walked towards the back. One roll combo and four dinner combos, three of which had tempura. This was gonna be fun to bring out...

They grabbed a tray and started to set two of the bento boxes on it, the ones that were ready. They had to finagle with it a bit, trying to find space to put the tempura sauce.

Pressure.

Presence.

Eyes.

He walked up behind them and stood there. They were off to the side, leaving the small walkway clear. He could’ve easily walked by. Out of the corner of their left eyes they could see him flipping the dish bin. Why wasn’t he walking by?

Stop staring stop staring stop staring stop staring stop staring stop staring stop staring stOP STARING STOP STARING STOP STARING!!!!

They finished putting what they could on the tray, picked it up along with another box with their other hand, and walked out of the kitchen.

He followed right behind.

Suki plastered a smile on their face.

It shouldn’t be like this... They shouldn’t feel scared to be in the back, thinking this fucking freak is going to come up and shank them if they weren’t careful. Their chef shouldn’t have to be waiting by the bathroom everytime he goes, holding a knife and waiting for him to come out with a gun. These complete, asinine, awful, insane and downright predatory interactions they’ve been having with men shouldn’t be making them question their sexuality, their gender.

For a while now, a couple months at least, Suki had been questioning their gender. They had never really felt comfortable in their body, and whether that was from all the bullying or the dysphoria.. that was something they figured a therapist could help them with, whenever they had the time to find one. But now.... they weren’t sure.

Maybe I’m not nonbinary.

I don’t want to come across masculine in any way.

I don’t want to be associated with them.

Maybe I’m cis.

Maybe.

Maybe.....

They had talked about it recently, on the ride home from work one night with Plum and Bug. Maybe part of the problem was they still thought along the lines of the binary - viewing being nonbinary as some sort of in between of masculine and feminine, male and female. But could they really be blamed? It’s how they were raised to think. It’s what society wanted. It’s how things were and they weren’t going to change so quickly over night, not here, not now, especially not in the south, where they lived.

Either way, all these interactions were making them question everything about themselves. Sure, Suki had never been the fondest of men in the first place; they’d only been in two relationships, both with men, both abusive, one long term and recent and still a very much open, festering wound.

Men made them uncomfortable.

Men pushed their boundaries.

Men hurt them one too many times.

Men were borderline repulsive at this point.

Maybe I’m a lesbian...

Maybe I should start identifying as that.

Maybe.

The night dragged on. He continued to come to the server’s station. Suki’s trembling never ceased; it slowed, but it never stopped. They came close to dropping glasses and dishes and trays multiple times. They bought food, hoping that would be the solution, but he came back so many times. He checked the dishes more often. He made small, very small trips to return the dishes to their proper places, trips he could’ve easily, and usually would condense, he continued to fill up his drink as slow as possible, and more frequently than normal.

Suki couldn’t eat.

They didn’t feel comfortable.

They didn’t feel safe.

The Hanged Man, See No Evil.

After Suki’s silence, he latched onto Bug. He posted music, raps specifically, in the group chat they had, and he messaged Bug whenever they worked together, just like he had with Suki. It was funny. The raps were terrible; the beats were okay, but his voice and lyrics were just... Let’s just say it sent the trio off to other planes of existence.

As he messaged Bug, he got aspects of the three of them confused, mixing them into one being and projecting them onto Bug. While Bug did take dance classes, they never mentioned them at work, Suki had, multiple times, loudly. Plum plays the cello. Both Plum and Bug draw. He once complimented Bug on how artistic they were, thinking it was crazy that they “dance, play the cello, and draw.” It was hilariously bad. A poor attempt. They laughed about it for days.

Eventually, he asked Bug out as well. Bug, of course, turned them down. They were very polite about it. He sent an odd... poetic message that made no sense. Then, the next day, he posted a new rap in the chat, that had other people in it as well, it was their group’s DnD chat afterall.

It was a diss rap.

He mentioned them by name, twice.

He talked about murder.

It wasn’t so funny anymore.

The red flags grew larger, brighter, blaring.

They laughed nervously and weren’t too eager to go into their next shift after that.

He later sent Bug another song, this time to their DMs. It was their name in all caps. After writing, creating, and posting such an angry, hateful, terrifying track in a public group chat, he made a song about how they were meant to be but there was *~*something*~* between them and keeping them apart. They told him his songs were making them uncomfortable. They weren’t as nice that time. They had to be blunt. They told him to stop.

A couple days later, at 4 a.m., he sent all three of them his final messages and, supposedly, deleted Discord.

They blocked him just to be safe.

They couldn’t take any risks.

They’ve been through this before, multiple times.

They knew what to do.

They knew what needed to be done.

It shouldn’t be like this.

They shouldn’t have to put up with this.

Suki shoved back any feeling of dread, anxiety, panic - they had a job to do. They needed to push through. They couldn’t afford to have a panic attack. They couldn’t show any sign of weakness. Not around him. They’d been through this before. They knew how to deal with stalkers. They’d had three in the past. They just needed to push down the panic. They needed to ignore it. She needed....

The end of the night couldn’t come quickly enough. When it did, Suki was grateful. They sat down with their receipts, doing their readings and chatting idly with Plum, Bug, and Hail. Once all their stuff was done and they were clocked out, they sat at the server’s table. They wanted to speak to their manager, but they needed to wait for him to leave.

They sat there, quietly, on their phones as they waited. It was nice. It was peaceful. It was what they needed after today.

“Alright, hope y’all have a good night.”

His voice made their stomach drop. A pain, sharp like a knife, twisted into Suki’s heart as fear and dread and panic and terror gripped them in an instant. They didn’t look up. They couldn’t. They continued to scroll through Twitter.

When had he walked up?

She didn’t hear him.

She heard him walk away though, his footsteps heavy against the laminate floor. He was probably pissed he got no response.

Drama queen.

He was a big drama queen. He thought he was an important figure in their lives. How could he be though? They only knew him for, cumulatively, 2 days. The only thing he had done was made the three of them nervous around white cars and fill them with dread when they came in to work at night. One could argue that that was an impact, but it was nothing new to the trio. They’d been stalked before, multiple times. They had a restraining order on someone. They knew what needed to be done.

They shouldn’t have to know.

It wasn’t long before their manager was done with his side work and he was joining them at the front of the restaurant. They then proceeded to tell him everything in great detail. He didn’t emote as they talked, voicing their concerns and Suki trying to keep themself calm and in check.

“In his message to me, he told me that he could handle a no, but not silence. Clearly he can’t handle a no, seeing as he wrote a diss track about Bug when they politely, politely, turned him down.”

Once they were all done, he sat there for a moment before shaking his head. “Man, I wish y’all had told me before he left!”

“We wanted to wait until he was gone. This isn’t our first rodeo, we know what we need to do to stay safe.” Plum said.

“Yeah, yeah I know. But man, I wish I had known. I’d’ve went and “talked” to him. You know...” He didn’t use air quotes, but they were implied in his tone. “Y’all... You guys know we’re all like family around here. We’re close. I’m here to look out for ya. I’ll talk with Billiford about it. We’ll take care of this.”

“Yeah, I talked to Billium before he left, but I couldn’t say too much cause he just kept walking by.” Plum said. “He said he was going to talk to you so..”

“Yeah, I’ll remind him. I’ll make sure to remind him. Man... maaan I really wish y’all had told me earlier.”

“We don’t want you killing a man.” Bug said with a laugh.

“I’d bail you out.” Suki said immediately.

“I think we all would.” Timothy replied, taking a pull from his “addiction stick” as he referred to it.

They chatted for a bit longer before they all walked out. The parking lot was desolate and Suki felt themselves breathe a little easier. Their manager walked the three of them to their car and watched as they got in. They then began to make their way home, keeping an eye out for white cars.

The Hanged Man, See No Evil.

#vent #stalking tw #identity crisis tw

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sumbreon · 2 years

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regarding the prev rb, i have thought about my boy uriel A LOT this year. which on the one hand good fun, hes developed a lot (my main 5 ocs all have, just he has for sure had the most this year)

but on the other hand... on the other fuckin hand... my boy has been a real catalyst for gender feels...

this year has been one hell of a long one, i was checkin my priv twit to double check how much of the tweets about uriel were this year and i stumbled into the tweets about my gender feels! those were this year??? they feel so long ago!

what are the gender feels you may ask? well in the span of a week id went from 'eh kinda sucks ill probs never be able to be obviously nonbinary but like i dont mind, im not bothered about people using she/her or assuming shit genderwise' to havin a dream about havin had top surgery and i rarely, oh so fuckin rarely, recall my dreams in the slightest. but there were such vivid feelings about it when i woke up that day. then like 2 fuckin days later its international womens day and towards end of our shift my coworker went "so its international womens day right? happy international womens day" and it just felt so wrong bein referred to as a woman, i almost responded "not a woman". and just to push home how wrong it felt. i had a physical response, like my chest physically felt like someone had slashed it from being referred to as a woman.

that sure was some fuckin whiplash. and now whenever my brains like "uriel time" im just like hope this doesnt awaken anything in me. like son ive had enough. i say this as ive noted myself kinda leanin more masc'ish recently. like i at one point was like, im never gettin top sugery, i dont want to change my name, they/them pronouns only. and now i at least want a reduction if not full on removal, ive been considering the name eden for like 6 months now, ive been interchangeably using she/they/he.

im still firmly in the nonbinary camp, i think i always will be. gender is like ??? to me i dont get it, it aint for me. but maybe what being nonbinary means is changing for me?

i will admit i have 100% lost the train of thought its fuckin gone. i just like wanted this out of my brain cause i cant sleep im just thinkin bout gender now.

hmm no its not the gender feels fault i cant sleep, just hit me im back at work tomorrow so sooner i sleep sooner i wake up and have to go to work.

edit: realised i said uriels a catalyst and the just did not expand on that at all. hes a trans man and has been for pretty much his entire existence. theres been more thought about his transness this year, hence catalyst

#sumb talks #personal #ramblings of the gender variety within

0 notes

transstudiesarchive · 6 years

Photo

Poem and picture editing by Piper Gibson (full text of poem under the read more)

For my submission I decided to write a poem about my own nonbinary identity, and how that identity is affected by social norms, pressures on people perceived as women to be feminine, dysphoria, mental illness, and erasure. Only recently did I feel comfortable enough in myself to call myself nonbinary, and I still struggle with so much internalized queerphobia. This poem was a way to work through how I grew up, and how instances of my childhood, bullies, family, and friends have affected my journey, both positively and negatively. I wanted to get at the pain of realizing these things about yourself, and how uncomfortable identity struggles can be, but also how joyful and loving, especially when you have so many good queer friends like I do.

I wanted to do this poem for my contribution because although we focused on various nonbinary identities in this class, they are still absent from mainstream media and often neglected even in queer spaces. This contributes to the erasure of nonbinary identity, which makes it even harder for people like me to feel less alone and confident enough in ourselves to come out to ourselves, let alone friends, family, coworkers, etc. It’s hard enough to realize your queer gender identity without people pretending it doesn’t exist or actively railing against it.

I want to encourage queer people to think beyond binaries, to think about what transness entails, who is included and excluded, and why. How can we ensure a movement that is sustainable and doesn’t push people out who desperately need it? I want to make sure that nonbinary people of all cultures, backgrounds, and intersections have a home in queer spaces, no matter what that looks like. It took me long enough to find a home in my queerness-- we should be helping others do the same.

i remember being seven or so asking my mother to paint a castle for me on the walls of my bedroom, in pink and purple. i imagined myself a princess, who could hole herself up away in the sky with the ones she loved and never come back down.

i remember being twelve, twelve or so, with skinny jeans too short and sweatshirts too big, and a friend, she said she was my friend, told me the rules of being pretty, (they were rules i did not yet follow,) how i would need makeup and better clothes, how she could teach me, and i’m sure she thought she was helping. i’m sure in her mind she was so nice. my little heart, which had not yet recovered from being torn and stomped on in previous years by girls who did not deserve my attention could not take this, and swum down down down to my toes and beat there quietly and i said something like “oh okay”

i remember being-- i remember high school, feeling so removed from myself i may as well not be alive, a ghost floating gently above my body, and that princess felt so far away from me. she was free, and i was not, and she could not yet understand how her favorite colors would be used as weapons in the war against her, and the rules were pushed onto me until i thought i needed them to survive, needed to cover myself up until i could recognize someone like a human in the mirror. femininity was a mask, but i was suffocating, and i couldn’t know why.

i remember being eighteen, (surely i wasn’t already eighteen? i didn’t think i’d make it this long) and even short hair couldn’t liberate me from how stuck i was. i was so goddamn lonely in a way that went beyond having no one. i was lonely from myself, about myself, for myself, a floating island who forgot its mainland, couldn’t even conceive it had a home of origin.

now, now i breathe a little easier, now, now i am less lonely, now my hair is short and my makeup is gone and my dresses are shoved in a bag put away. now i have examples of those who live outside, apart from, and in spite of everything that wants to eliminate them.

we are still alive, despite the stares and the questions and the looks up and down in which you can tell exactly which box they have decided to place you in.

i am still alive, despite my old fear of becoming a sexual assault statistic morphing into the new fear of becoming a hate crime one.

(i don’t want to imagine how they would label me in the headline. how the police would describe my death. how my funeral would ring with shes and hers and daughters and womans and all of the wrong and violent things i wouldn’t be there to dispute. i don’t want to die before i can teach my family how to talk about me. before i hear the right pronouns fall from their mouths without stumbling, soft and assured.)

but-- i am, after all of it, alive. i will celebrate myself while i am living and i will refuse to be one or the other and i will make the world better for those who come after me and i will do it because of the ones who came before.

something, a seed, was growing in my gut all along. just because it only sprouted now doesn’t make it any less of a bloom.

#trans studies #trans studies archive #nonbinary #queer #identity #poetry

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dyemelikeasunset · 7 years

Note

hey dye!! i know you're visiting with bee right now but I wanted to ask: your coming out story on your about doesn't talk about you discovering being nonbinary or demisexual!! i'd really like to know someday!

I actually have written about being demisexual before! My original coming out post was this one, and when we were still figuring our relationship out, I did some freeform writing to my partner about demisexuality in this post

As far as being nonbinary… it was a slow realization? I know a lot of people are familiar with the split gender and sexuality models now, but for me they’ve always been closely related. I don’t know if other ace and/or nonbinary people feel the same, but my gender and sexuality greatly affect each other. I feel that, socially, our ideas of romance and sex are incredibly gendered and our ideas of gender are so sexualized, that when you’re ace-spec and trans-spec, they all get really muddled up and hard to pull apart or compartmentalize.

I’m going to put it under a read more just because it gets so long, but it might not work on mobile! There isn’t anything that would get you in trouble though, it’s all text and generally sfw

[the following has mentions of self harm and menstruation]

When I was younger, I went through stages of intense gender and sex dysphoria, not being able to sleep well for weeks after I first got my period. Menstruating was a huge trigger of self hatred and depression, because it was such a gendered marker for being “a woman,” and I didn’t understand it at the time but that nebulous concept was debilitating. That, combined with horrible sex ed and the fears of pregnancy and sexual relations, I was just so dissociated from my body for my entire teenage life. I could barely look at myself in the mirror, and periods would spike my depressive episodes. It was around this time I started to self harm.

In high school, I read about what transgender was. I know it’s considered outdated language, but back then I really connected to the whole “born into the wrong body” idea. For a good few years, I wanted to transition all the way so badly, but had no idea how to do it.

When I got my first serious crush on my best friend in high school, it was such a muddled mess of “wait does this mean I’m gay? Or do I like girls because I want to be a boy?” I had ignored any crushes I had had on boys before that because of my overpowering self-hatred of being a girl and heterotypical relationships terrified me, but this new possibility of liking girls was suddenly a weird, powerful wrench in my system. I didn’t know how to take it

Because of how new and unexpected it was, I spent a really long time researching and experimenting with sexuality. I was going in totally blind, and sadly got myself into a lot of trouble with predatory adults. It was around this time that I knew I really didn’t like the label of “lesbian” for myself, because it felt too gendered, and the adult women I knew would push it onto me.I know the term has evolved in the recent decade to include nonbinary people sometimes, but even now I struggle with the term (also because I’m probably somewhere between demisexual and bi ace, so the little attraction I do experience isn’t just towards women)

After I untangled myself from that mess, I went to college and met Bee and made some new friends online. Because my relationship with Bee was going so well, I was comfortable identifying as a gay girl for a good while. However, that group of friends would often butt into my business with gender. They’d talk over me when strangers assumed i was male and insist that i was female, and it just felt really gross and uncomfortable and wrong for me. It made me feel exposed and put on the spot, but at the time I couldn’t vocalize why.I think they felt they were defending me and my right to be in a gay relationship, but it honestly did more harm than good.

I felt really broken.

It was during those years I was trying to experiment with presenting more and more androgynously, and would often be treated as a man in public. I couldn’t come out to these friends about this, and for some reason I felt like I couldn’t tell Bee about my fluctuating gender either. To make matters worse, I never felt completely comfortable being “male” either, so I assumed my friends were right. I didn’t want to be “fully male,” so I must be female. My ideas of gender were really binary back then.

But over time, I realized how these “friends” would often take cheap shots at the way I dressed, and make my gender presentation the source of a lot of jokes. Once I realized they were wrong about me and were only adding to my self-hatred and confusion, I remembered how I used to feel in high school, how I had wanted so badly to be a boy. With that reminder added on top of my new experiences and deeper, nuanced understanding of myself, I finally sat down with Bee and explained to her that I felt neither 100% male OR female. I wanted some things, like chest surgery, and maybe hormones, but bottom surgery, changing my gender registry to male,and even name changes felt somehow a step too far. I was really worried because, understandably, being gay is a huge part of her identity. But she was really, really understanding, and encouraged me to buy my first chest binder.

It was around this time I was a working adult, and me and Bee started getting closer our friend Cait. Being around just Bee and Cait did wonders for my self esteem, and I had been reading up on updated transgender and gender-variant issues and identities. I found out about genderqueer and nonbinary labels, and even though it didn’t click immediately, they slowly crept into my subconscious and reminded me there were alternatives out there for me. With Cait also being a demigirl, we were able to explore it together and show each other things and just… learn to be more comfortable with ourselves.

Even though in my public and offline life, I often identify as a girl for the convenience of my coworkers and family who don’t understand gender very well, I still feel whole. My self-acceptance goes such a long way to keeping me happy, and the fact I’ve surrounded myself with loving, supportive people helps me tremendously. There are still some steps I want to take, like HRT and hopefully someday top surgery, but for now, I’m really happy with slowly working towards those goals. I still feel like the person I want to be even without them.

#Anonymous #nonbinary #trans

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rafaelthompson · 4 years

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Advice to and from Nonbinary Coffee People

Nonbinary baristas, roasters, and café managers share their experience of coming out and being misgendered.

BY MARK VAN STREEFKERK BARISTA MAGAZINE ONLINE

Cover photo courtesy of Joshua Agbayani

Recently, we’ve been taking a closer look at nonbinary experiences through specialty coffee in a three-part series at Barista Magazine Online. Part one addressed how nonbinary folks—those who don’t identify as solely male or female—feel valued in cafés, even if it’s “an imperfect experience,” as Phoenix Cerny shared. In today’s second part, we’re sharing advice to and from nonbinary coffee workers. Read on to hear what they have to say about coming out, and how they deal with being misgendered.

There’s no one way to come out in the workplace as nonbinary, transgender, or any stripe of LGBTQ+, for that matter. Some people only come out to certain friends or coworkers—or, in unsafe situations, not at all. Being nonbinary might be one part of a marginalized identity. Deandré Latrice Black, who identifies as agender and nonbinary, manages Intelligentsia Coffee in Boston. They point out, “There are specific struggles to not only being a nonbinary person in coffee, but a nonbinary person of color in coffee. Coffee—at least in Boston—is not only overwhelmingly ostracizing toward nonbinary folks, it is overwhelmingly white, especially as you move to the more artisanal coffee companies.”

“If one felt safe and willing to come out, I would say doing it in the interview is best, speaking from experience,” Deandré says. “For me, I often waited until after I was hired, sometimes even trained, and then had to learn it was not a safe space for me and start all over again. It made the whole process a lot more painful and stressful. Eventually I realized it made more sense for me to set my expectations from the beginning, and ask the questions I wanted to know off the bat.”

“There is no one way to look or be nonbinary,” says Deandré Latrice Black, manager of Intelligentsia Coffee in Boston. Photo courtesy of Deandré Latrice Black.

Christina Snyder, a barista and production roaster at Deeper Roots Coffee in Cincinnati, says, “I wouldn’t be able to work in a space where I wasn’t out, or where people didn’t respect my pronouns or had a problem with me being queer. As far as coming out goes, just do it. There’s an army of people that are going to be behind you, even if they’re not in person. It sounds kind of silly, but get your a** on Instagram, and start talking to people because this community is so wonderful and loving, and ready to be there.”

Coming out is one thing, but even if coworkers and management are supportive, getting misgendered—potentially all shift long by customers—is another challenge. Because service interactions are brief, having to explain pronouns to a stranger is often more effort than it’s worth.

“I do not take [misgendering by customers] personal because I do not know this person and I know who I am,” says Dandy Anderson, café manager at Stumptown Coffee Roasters in New York. “For me personally, correction is not part of that dynamic regarding those I view as strangers.”

Christina Snyder, barista and production roaster at Deeper Roots Coffee, jokes, “Every time you use my pronouns right, a coffee hits first crack.” Photo by Matt Hoffman.

Christina says, “I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with the constant misgendering. But I think I take solace in understanding that it doesn’t really matter how the outside world might perceive my identity because I am wholly committed to it and understand it. I think that it’s taking those quiet moments to validate yourself and honor your own experience and remind yourself that it doesn’t matter. A random customer is not going to convince me that I’m a woman.”

For some gender-fluid nonbinary folks, like Joshua Agbayani of Verve Coffee Roasters, gendered language isn’t that big of a deal. “I oftentimes find myself being OK with people using any pronoun with me because I don’t feel a disconnect from either binary of gender. I just feel that both ends of the spectrum flow through me,” Joshua says.

Deandré proudly serves a latte with they/they pronoun tattoos. Photo by Deandré Latrice Black.

Deandré notes that while they don’t always correct customers who misgender them, having their peers respond with the right pronouns is a great way to correct misgendering. “If a customer uses the wrong pronoun for someone, the barista helping that customer should respond with the correct pronouns (i.e., a customer misgendering someone is not a reason to also misgender someone). Oftentimes, the guests don’t notice and the transaction moves along.”

Misgendering and coming out can be equally difficult situations to experience as a nonbinary coffee member, but all folks can agree that there are systems of support out there in our industry. Stay tuned for part three of this series to get more tips about how cafés can support their nonbinary workers.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Mark Van Streefkerk is Barista Magazine’s social media content developer and a frequent contributor. He is also a freelance writer, social media manager, and novelist based out of Seattle. If Mark isn’t writing, he’s probably biking to his favorite vegan restaurant. Find out more on his website.

The post Advice to and from Nonbinary Coffee People appeared first on Barista Magazine Online.

Advice to and from Nonbinary Coffee People published first on https://espressoexpertsite.tumblr.com/

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silenthillmutual · 5 years

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I kind of want to address me changing my AO3 handle from higgsburied to transishimaru, although i’m sure nobody’s all that curious about it. But it’s important to me so i might as well talk about it.

Basically what happened is i’ve gotten a couple comments about how i’ve written Chihiro as a trans girl (although actually the second comment wasn’t directed at me, but at one of my friends in the comment thread of the first comment). And i was already kind of worried about this happening because the fandom has taken some real steps backward from having previously been more or less avoiding the subject into being outright hostile about it. Until recently I’ve written Chihiro as nonbinary bc i like being able to sort of play around with different aspects of them that we were given in canon, and when i initially started writing the fic that’s gotten these rude comments i wasn’t really sure what i wanted to do w/ their gender situation, and decided given both the context of the fic and because i hadn’t done it before to write Chihiro as a trans girl.

I have to deviate for a second and point out that i said i’ve written Chihiro as nonbinary before (to my knowledge i’ve never written them as cis), but i’d also like to throw in here that i’ve written Taka as a trans boy twice, and neither of those have received any comment regarding how i wrote his gender. I am a trans man myself and what i’m going to be talking about here is transphobia generally, but this in particular, this fact that i’ve been able to write in this fandom with characters being nonbinary or transmasc with no comment about that but getting harassment when i write Chihiro as a trans girl, is specifically transmisogynistic. which is why i have a special comment about this on my do-not-interact both here on my main and on my roleplay blog. this fandom has gotten uncomfortably TERF-y

I’m not going to get into too much detail about the comments, in part because the first person came back and apologized to me and the other people they harassed over it and i think we should celebrate growth and you can’t do that if keep reminding people of all the ways they’ve fucked up in the past. I mostly want to point out that in both cases, the commentators - who are cis - got angry at being told they were being transphobic and rude, which

I specifically stated in this fic that i would delete any comments related to Chihiro’s gender in “canon” vs how i present it in the fic, because i was not interested in engaging in discourse. There is a lot that can be said about how poorly Kodaka & Chunsoft handle any sensitive topic in Danganronpa, that deserves better discussion than the comment section of a fanfiction.

Which, unless the comments are constructive criticism - which, in the case of gender, i am not going to take pointers on from cis people - and calling my writing / headcanon / whatever of a (supposedly) “canonically cis” character as trans problematic and telling me that i cannot call Danganronpa transphobic, is not constructive criticism - is incredibly rude

They seemed to think i was silencing their right to free speech, or something, which considering that i am not the government is impossible but more to my point:

They both denied the concept of being transphobic based on factors including:

claiming to be trans (the first person, who later told me that they lied about this, and apologized for it)

“I’m not transphobic three of my closest friends are trans”

seeming to think that they were being called transphobic for their personal feelings regarding Chihiro’s gender

I think most of us are aware that you can be trans and still have transphobic beliefs and values and perpetuate violence against other trans people (truscum, transmeds, nbphobes, trans men who are transmisogynistic, Contrapoints, Caitlyn Jenner, Blair White, etc) and that, of course, you can have friends or family members or coworkers or whatever who are trans and still participate in transphobia & transmisogyny.

But essentially the reason i changed my handle to transishimaru is because people don’t seem to be getting that the fact that you when come onto a trans person’s piece of work to harass them about writing a character as trans is itself an act of transphobia. You are being violent. The fact that i felt the need to volunteer in not just my bio but my handle that i am a trans person in order to get people to stop leaving comments i have repeatedly asked them, initially politely, not to make is transphobia. The fact that i had to turn off anonymous commenting and enable comment moderation on that fic so people would stop leaving those comments is transphobia. The fact that i had a weeks worth of anxiety every time i got replies on that comment thread and still get a fear response when i get e-mails from AO3 because i’m scared it’s going to be someone losing their mind at me is transphobia.

Nobody is saying that headcanoning or writing Chihiro as cis is bad or that you shouldn’t do it, but this? Going out of your way to leave a comment on a fic that both says in the author’s note “don’t comment on this”? That is tagged as having a trans female character in it? And then continuing an argument with not only the trans author but at least three other trans and/or nonbinary people?

That is transphobia. That is violent. You are a transphobe and you are enacting transphobic violence on an actual living, breathing trans person behind the screen.

You can reblog this (in fact, please do) as long as you don’t turn this into yet another self-defense argument.

#nori noises #link laments #about the blogger #transphobia #transmisogyny #discourse mention //

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