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hannieehaee · 4 days

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Hiii i love your writing sm that is always look forward to anything you write . Pls remember to take care of yourself .

Imagine chan having a younger s/o , doting on her , taking care of her protecting her 😭😭😭😭 it would be so cute

them having a younger s/o

content: small age gap between reader and member, established relationship, etc.

wc: 1056

a/n: thank u hehe u take care too!! <3 also i wrote this assuming the age gap is nothing too crazy!! just something like 3-5 year difference for hyung line and 2-3 year difference for maknae line c:

masterlist

seungcheol -

he was MADE to dote on and care for a younger s/o. his credit card would literally be your own. his home would be yours. would treat you akin to kkuma in the sense that he'd coo at you incessantly any time he was away from you for more than a few hours and would love dressing you up in cute outfits to match his own (in a low-key, fashionable way, of course). he'd adore a younger s/o because he'd feel like he could really provide for you with both his wealth and wisdom.

jeonghan -

being the one of the elders of the group and having a younger sister, he's literally been trained for a younger s/o. im completely convinced he'd adoooore a younger s/o that he could dote on and baby in every possible instance. he'd use his preschool teacher voice on you all the time and coo at you so much that you'd literally have to beg him to stop. at some point he'd start doing it just to annoy you lmao.

joshua -

tbh i feel like he would be kinda indifferent about you being younger than him, but would still acknowledge it at times. would coo at you and baby you in exaggerated manners to tease you over being younger than him. but! this would just be a veiled way for him to take care of you.

jun -

how is he supposed to baby you when he's the embodiment of baby himself? however, the creator of the aegyo cat set would still manage to coo at you and attack you with constant aegyo to show his affections towards you. all in all, though, i think he would be a lil indifferent about you being younger than him. maybe it'd inspire a little extra protectiveness from him, making him always keep you close to him in public spaces and use his massive shoulders to shield you from crowds or any danger.

soonyoung -

he'd baby you at times but for the most part would be pretty indifferent about being older than you. however! he would let his childish/immature side come out more often while around you, reasoning that you brought out his more youthful side. would probably match your energy at all times. he'd 100% use the 'im older than you' card to try and win arguments/disputes (it wouldnt work).

wonwoo -

absolutely endeared by you!!! have you seen the way he looks at chan? if you were around chan's age, he'd give you the chan treatment but a thousand times over. would cackle at any joke you made, always keep his adoring gaze on you, bring you snacks even when you didnt ask for them, make space for you on his lap whenever he played games or watched movies. you'd be his baby.

jihoon -

he'd try to hold back for a while, but he'd eventually break and feel an instinctive need to take care of you in a way he would a younger member. even if you were a very independent and self-reliant person, he would still take care of you in his own low-key way. would make sure you always had all your meals, make space for you in his studio and provide you entertainment so you could accompany him in there in the long hours of the night. he'd feel a special type of love for you knowing he could dote on you so freely.

seokmin -

he'd be obsessed with you!!!! would baby you constantly and take care of you in every way imaginable. youd also kinda activate his cuteness aggression without him realizing. he'd wanna be the one and only man to protect you and become a rock for you to rely on. would feel happy and proud to be a person you trusted and someone you could look to whenever you needed.

mingyu -

yet another member who would go insane over being older than you and use it as an excuse to baby you at any given opportunity. would treat you like loyalty and would act as if it was a crime if you ever did mundane stuff on your own instead of allowing him to do it for you. walking to the other side of the room? why when he can just piggy back you there!! packing your own lunch in the morning? nope! he's cooking you a whole meal!

minghao -

ive always felt like he'd go for someone younger just for the traditional aspect of it (idk i have no basis for this belief lmao just a hunch). he'd enjoy playing the role of the dependable boyfriend with a younger s/o to provide for and dote on. it'd just bring him a special type of satisfaction to know that you could look to him as a reliable source of comfort. would be the ideal boyfriend and take care of all your expenses and all your emotional needs.

seungkwan -

he'd be so damn overbearing in the way he took care of you im ngl. would keep tabs on your meals to make sure you had all your meals every day, would push vitamins on you, and just have huge concern for your health overall. he'd also feel insane cuteness aggression for you at the most random times, becoming overly affectionate and expressing how cute he thought you were (even if your age gap was teeny tiny).

vernon -

gives me the vibe that he wouldnt really care if you were older or younger. however, seeing the way he dotes on his little sister and gets along with her, i think he'd be similar with a younger s/o. wouldnt really bring up your age difference much but would still use it as the butt of jokes or use it as an excuse to take care of you at times in which he just felt a little extra affectionate towards you.

chan -

as the youngest, he'd love the idea of him being able to baby someone for once (ik he has a younger brother ok). would use the 'im older than you' line to death and be so fucking annoying about it. however, he would also feel satisfied knowing he was a dependable figure in your life who could take care of you in the same ways his members always took care of him.

#seventeen fanfic #seventeen x reader #svt fanfic #svt x reader #seventeen #seventeen imagine #svt #seventeen oneshot #svt oneshot #svt scenarios #seventeen scenarios #svt imagines #svt fluff #seventeen fluff

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heademptie · 1 month

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Thinking about Ghoap x Comms!Reader

(This is unedited ramblings at 10pm, this may end up being something, it may not)

(Also don't know if this is an actual job, but it makes sense to me that it would exist. But this is fanfiction so who cares)

Reader works for the military as well but their job is to monitor and transcribe communications during ops. Maybe they tried to be a soldier but got denied for some reason, maybe injury, maybe because they couldn't cope with directly taking lives or loosing them.

And readers been at it for a while, is good at thier job, keeps their head down, keeps what they hear to themself.

Reader is loyal, so they get a bit of leeway with their work. Gets assigned to monitor some of the 141's comms and becomes a detatched form of familiar with the team. They don't know who reader is, that they even exist, that most of their radio chatter is being heard by one person at a desk in a government building so far away.

Typically reader just zones out when working, purposefully trying to forget the confidential things they hear once they leave the building. But the 141 is... entertaining. The way they speak to each other with such familiarity and how they can make jokes without loosing sight of the mission, and how at the drop of the hat they hone in and get serious. They start to look forward to 'Price's paternal exasperation, 'Gaz's quick wit, 'Ghost's dry dad jokes, and 'Soap's cheeky comments. Occasionally they're graced with 'Laswell's easy verbal volleys with each member of the team. (Thinking about including Roach too)

And its obvious to reader, absurdly obvious, that Ghost and Soap are together. The thinly veiled, and the very not thinly veiled, flirting between the two is a giveaway. But what really sends it home is the panic. Reader was the one to transcribe the recoding from Las Almas. Right at the beginning, when Ghosts voice called out to Soap, he was calm in that call. But then Soap didnt answer. And reader heard the concealed panic when Ghost called out again, and they heard the relief when he did.

So reader figures out that they're together. Assumes as much. And takes a bit of joy from it. Takes some joy that people in such a brutal line of work have someone who understands and cares for them.

Maybe circumstances lead to reader needing to be saved. Or maybe they end up on base at the same time the 141 is there. And they run into the team some way. Readers smart, so they keep thier mouth shut about being privvy to their comms. Keeps to well known facts about the 141, the stuff soldiers outside of the team would know through reputation and minimal meetings.

Maybe they go out drinking, or maybe reader ends up bonding with the team some. They're all chilling somewhere together, and someone starts hitting on Soap and reader brushes it off. He's an attractive guy, charming too, its understandable. But Soap doesnt turn them down and reader looks over to Ghost who's watching the interaction too. And reader, without thinking says something about an open relationship. Ghost whips around on them in carefully concealed shock and asks them to repeat. Reader explains slowly, not yet realsing their error.

Its not until later, when Soap has left with the pretty thing who hit on him and Ghost had left quickly after readers comment, when Price is chuckling over his drink after reader has explained what they said, that they learn.

Ghost and Soap are not in fact in an open relationship. They are not even in any kind of relationship, romantic or sexual. And reader is shocked, if not a little disappointed, maybe even hurt. It's their own fault, really, they built up this false relationship between real people in their head only for it to remain in their head.

Later on, reader finds Ghost. Wanting to apologise for, stepping over the line? making the unsolicited comment? they're not entirely sure but they feel they should apologise anyway.

This is kinda where my thoughts end. I do have some I haven't mentioned but I don't know where to put them. Nor do I know exactly where this is going. Just some brain rot I've had.

#call of duty #ghost cod #ghoap x reader #simon ghost riley #simon riley x reader #john soap mactavish #john soap mctavish x reader #brain rot #fanfic #i dont know what im doing #just having thoughts #comms!reader #john soap mactavish x simon ghost riley

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sleepynegress · 7 months

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HELLO! I'm sorry you've been getting idiotic anonymous people being rude about Uhura. I saw your lovely post about her and it made me happy to see that people appreciate her! She is so much more than lots of fandom pretends. Also I high-key agree that Karl Urban absolutely nailed his performance of Bones. It was so dead on!!! Zoe's Uhura was lovely too but as you say, sharper around the edges, and personally I felt her relationship with Spock was very sweet but difficult initially for me because I really get stressed when one person doesn't get the emotional needs of another. So their really gentle scenes made me SO happy when they finally happened. The warmth and gentleness shone through and won me over entirely. Zoe played sharp with just enough warmth. But I still love Nichelle's too. Uhura is great! Anyway didnt have a huge point here just happy that you also love her and call people out LOL

The main issue is the misogynoir and perhaps TERF leanings against the most recent player in the part, Celia Rose Gooding. She is non-binary and goes by she/they pronouns. She also has a short close-cropped style which beautifully frames her face. The troll is hyper-fixated on attacking that, disparaging her presentation of femininity using coded language to imply aggression or masculinity. This is extra backward because, of the three players who took on Uhura, she has the darkest skin tone, has the fullest lips and a wide nose bridge, and her hair is the only one not in a straightened or processed style (which is fine for an option BTW). All of these things together are rare aesthetics for a Black woman, and appropriate, especially for an sub-Saharan African woman's character presentation, especially in a futuristic sci-fi mainstream iconic franchise, like Star Trek and so important for young people to see as normalized femininity. I think of Lupita Nyong'o talking about the effect Alek Wek had on her...just being there as this South Sudanese supermodel, with very dark skin and short natural hair...

Celia Rose is the particular target this troll has framed as their "fanhood", with thinly veiled insults and backhanded "compliments" that keep dogwhistling in their posts with various account names.

As for Zoe's Uhura, that professionalism and sharpness, when it came to her abilities and focus on her studies was an obvious intentional writing choice to stave off the very criticisms *she still got* because of the misogynoir of that era...

People were accusing her of coercing Spock into her ship assignment and even assaulting him(!).

That mess never makes sense, but hating Black women for existing or having what we are perceived as not "deserving" is sadly an old tradition (see those who make a hobby out of hating Megan Markle). And now, I see people praising the OG Uhura, Nichelle, for aspects of her character that were actually forms of limitations on her because of production bigotry...i.e. the forced interracial kiss, that people constantly cite as some forward thing w/o the context that it was forced because the implication was that no one in her crew would willingly kiss a Black person. IOW, aliens assaulting them for their entertainment was the lesser evil and more palatable to white audiences than someone choosing to love on Uhura (and I would add *especially* someone white, because even showing Black affection and love in that time was a rare thing, and her episode showing some yearning towards an old love showed no physical affection between them either). Anyway, all that to bring it right back around to ALL the Uhuras are great. And the weird microaggressions, macroaggressions, hatred, and attempts to shove them into a particular box are misogynoir; a microcosm of the kind of bullshit too many Black women go through on the regular just for existing.

Celia is a Rose and I hope she shines, gets loved on, has friends (including some Black ones) who are genuinely concerned for her well-being and actually help her when she's in need.

P.S. I missed this reading way too fast before but this bit is sus IMO Zoe's Uhura was lovely too but as you say, sharper around the edges, and personally I felt her relationship with Spock was very sweet but difficult initially for me because I really get stressed when one person doesn't get the emotional needs of another. If you meant Spock not reading Uhura? Then yeah, I agree. If you mean Uhura not reading Spock?? I can't walk with you there because Spock literally almost hindered Uhura's career and got her on an exploded ship(!) because of his emotional bias and almost killed Kirk on the bridge because he was not managing his emotions well. Meanwhile Uhura read him well enough to provide some comfort after the loss of his mother.

#uhura #meta #answer #star trek #celia rose gooding #star trek: strange new worlds #she reminds me of kim from a different world

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devilkittydeckbuilding · 5 months

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hewwo everyone!!!! today im going to be talking about my favorite dimir deck i have made and why i think its really strong and cool!!!!

the commander is...

UKKIMA, STALKING SHADOW

(drawing is by my gf @goqmir )

this is a dimir deck built around loading up the unblockable commander with equipment and +1/+1 counters and swinging face until i win with commander damage!!!! this deck tends to kill in a few good swings if im allowed to set up due to the sheer amount of equipment that gives at least +2 to ukkimas power.

this deck is not playing the green partner commander in cazur, ruthless stalker because he isn't quite good enough in this shell (he at best gives a +1/+1 counter every one of my turns starting on turn 4) and adding green imo really changes the core idea of the deck. it probably gives me more good protection and i would love to try this deck with more good protection but ultimately it just didnt fit my vision lol

this deck has only the one creature in ukkima, and the majority of the deck is equipment, enchantments, and instants. every spell in this deck other then board wipes (which btw are mass bounce that keep ukkima on the field usually like wave goodbye and raise the palisade, also am interested in kindred dominance possibly) is built to make ukkima bigger or to protect ukkima from any potential removal. this deck runs about 14 or so counterspells, several blink spells to protect as well as blink ukkima and take advantage of her second ability, and lots of ways to give hexproof as well as phase out my commander.

this deck runs lots of utility lands that help it play the long game. some cool ones are witches clinic which is amazing and allows you to gain life while putting your opponents really close to death, cathedral of war is funny because it pumps my creature with exalted, malakir rebirth is death protection, and command beacon makes ukkima more resilient against command tax!!!!

some of my favorite cards in this deck are...

teferi's veil - this card i havent actually gotten to play with, but this deck does not block. it doesnt care about creature combat cause i want to win in a few swings with ukkima and therefore phasing my commander after combat leads to it being impossible to board wipe or hit it with sorcery speed removal. this card makes instant speed the only way to interact with my commander and that is pretty insane lol

unspeakable symbol - this is one of my current favorite cards and makes any creature that can get in into a one shot threat for only three mana and a lot of life. if you arent in danger of dying to damage this card is insane. it makes ukkima one shot starting on the turn after ukkima etbs so that it can attack unblocked versus the most threatening player or the one with the best removal and then the rest of the table isnt far behind. also if ukkima dies after the counters are placed you gain a bunch if life back lol

hatred - this card plays very similar to unspeakable symbol in that you pay a million life to one shot someone but is a little more efficient at doing it (although it does cost more :/) these are not that fun in a casual setting but they make this deck win out of nowhere if you have protection held up and thats important sometimes!!!!

homocidal seclusion - this is the reason i built the deck cause its really cute and funny with only one creature in the deck and also buffs ukkima to a 5 power creature with lifelink which is a pretty good unblockable clock!!!!

feast on the fallen - this card seems kinda crazy in multiplayer cause on my turn i deal damage which triggers this on the next upkeep and then my opponents have to deal combat damage at some point (at least in my playgroup) dotot theoretically grows ukkima every turn with a counter.

this deck overall is pretty insane and lets you play a control deck with a voltron win con and its a very fun mix of playstyles. this list could be improved further and i could probably make a green version and test that one out too but im very happy with the current state of this pile!!!!

there are a couple weird picks for cards that are my playgroup specific like unsubstantiate which is only there for bouncing thassas oracle on the stack cause my friend plays that but overall the deck is just built for speed!!!!

also my headcanon is that ukkima is a fucking girl baby!!!! she/it pronouns wooooooo!!!!

thank you for reading!!!!

#mtg #magic the gathering

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kiawren · 3 months

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Ok uh recent kiawren stufffff??

This one is the redraw of that yaknow that "draw as your otp" the idea is.. honestly.. i also dk.. it's kinda timeskip after kiawren parted (it's an au they don't actually part) and kia/we became a kahuna but he would probbaly look slightly older than this so idk and kinda just ignore my s/i hes not the focus here I also dk what timeskip design to give him. I just wanted to draw kia/we being beautiful

This one is cuz I've been wanting to draw something for this quote

And i thought of that scene where he explains his aspirations and ofc replacing ash with myself here if I were there something in my heart would stir and i would be whipped forever. But like. Idk when I'm gonna finish (never) (cuz I often draw finish kia/we and lose all motivation becuz the whole point is my admiration for him)

Ok i added the pic of the lineart I took for this cuz I really like it lol as if I didnt just trace ace but ok

This idea when it came to me I was like Wow. so au where kiawren is like ya/mato and ace one piss Becuzzz I couldn't stop thinking about kia/we with the mera mera no mi! Like it fits him so well and I always thought they had a lot of similarities and if I watched op with kia/we he'd be like ohh he's just like me for real

Yeah so I'm kinda ya/mato here except Idk whether to keep the height diff becuz i never related to being tall I woukd not see myself in that role. But since I alrsady have ideas of my op s/i having tiangou (chinese mytho dog who eats the sun&moon) which to me is very similar to ya/mato's Japanese mytho wolf devil fruit, It's pretty fitting. I think that changing into anthro/hybrid form would make wren bigger and taller so I could still keep the aspect of being slightly bigger than kia/we and being able to pick him up muahahsh but maybe not as large as ya/mato ok im just rambling here. Anyway I was listening to caraphernelia by Pierce the veil a Lot while thinking about this au

SORRY THE LONG WORDS LOL

#kiawren #wren art #selfship #kia/we with the mera mera no mi is such a Thought he'd have soo much fun with it and he'd look so cool #Oh also! I drew the red parts of his hair on fire hahh bet you can't do that fire fist ass

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beremy-from-trigun · 1 year

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(more about the fma and trigun combination hehe.. im just gonna start tagging it as fullmetal trigun. i might do like designs or smth since thats more my strong suit than writing stuff..)

was thinking more on the roles of the deadly sins with the shift of having the characters from trigun instead and came up with a loose list (under the keep reading) of who i personally think would align best with each of the sins (with how they are portrayed in both 2003 and brotherhood!) if u have a different opinion or take lemme know :3!

firstly with the sin of pride, i struggled to place one specific person in this role as a lot of characters have the theme of pride, so i considered then instead to focus on how pride acts as a sort of leader (literally for 2003 as pride is king bradley, and then by age as pride in brotherhood is the first homunculi after father (who in this case would be knives)) which then led to me assigning legato bluesummers as the sin of pride. perhaps in this case it would less be about his own personal pride, but instead about his pride of being someone who is so close to knives to the point he is trusted with control of the gung ho guns.

for the sin of wrath, i immediately had the idea of putting elendira the crimsonnail in this role as she is a wrathful person by nature; she is repeatedly seen as being the one who punishes the gung ho guns who try to betray the order and also keeping them in line in general as the strongest gung ho gun, and similarly in her always holding her wrath in (im thinking of that one scene where she throws a glass of water at legato lmao) this would be most in line with the portrayal of wrath in brotherhood though, as that is king bradley who is portrayed as a methodical man who has anger always lingering underneath a thin veil. it would also place elendira in a similiar place bradley holds in brotherhood, as he is one that has higher status. than other homunculi.

for the sin of envy, i thought zazie the beast fit best for that role when taking into consideration the role envy plays in the story of 2003 and brotherhood. i dont really have much for this one asides from the similar powers between the two hehe.

for the sin of lust, i wanted to put a character who dies in the story fairly early so it has a similiar impact that lust had in the series of leaving the homunculi without their minor leader. so i was split between dominique the cyclops and midvalley the hornfreak, but ultimately i went with midvalley since he was shown to have a higher status than other gung ho guns in the 98 anime and the manga (i also think its just funny to put the man named hornfreak as the role of lust)

for the sin of sloth, i decided to then place dominique the cyclops in order to line up more with the role sloth plays in the 2003 series. sloth in that series more acts as a supporting role to king bradley, and i can see her maybe doing that for legato bluesummers (we really didnt see enough of dominique to say much about her character though.) i feel the characters in sloth and lust could be changed interchangebly though as 98 midvalley does play a supporting role for legato in the anime, but he does not play that role really in the manga. perhaps itd be fun to instead create a new character though, maybe putting a distorted version of rem in this role instead as in 2003 sloth is the aftermath of the failed revival of ed and al’s mother.

for the sin of gluttony, i decided to place livio the doublefang/razlo the tripun. i feel this one would most likely be a divergance from how fma portrays gluttony, instead dipping more into how greed is portrayed with the craving/hunger for power and strength. livio is repeatedly seen craving strength and in general power in order to escape the trauma he has been through and also to just have a place he can belong (with that being belonging in the eye of michael), with the manga having the flashback of him training to the point he is puking and passing out, and tristamp portraying it as a choice of him wanting to have the same strength as wolfwood. additionally, when considering the role gluttony places in 2003 and brotherhood, he acts as a force that isn’t necessarily for or against the protagonists, but instead he is there simply because it is where he belongs (and who has made him).

finally, this brings us to the sin of greed, which i have decided to put nicholas d wolfwood. this was my immediate thought from the beginning, as greed in brotherhood is portrayed as being a force that always ultimately betrays the order of the homunculi due to his greed. specifically, wolfwood would end up in the role that greedling plays, with chapel from ‘98 being the initial greed seen. this also plays into the role wolfwood has in the series, as it is a greedy action to take the life of another as you are depriving that other of their chance at a happy life in order keep your own life. in a way, wolfwoods final character arc is overcoming that greed/guilt by self sacrificing for livio in order to give livio that chance at a happy life instead of taking it for himself.

also, in this au, vash would be in the role of hohenheim, and knives would be in the role of father, as previously stated. i was thinking on who would be the role of ed and al, as i dont think i would neccesarily want it to be the father and sons dynamic. so instead i think it would more be the dynamic of meryl being ed and milly being al, where they find the writings about this great figure (vash) and try to find him for some reason i have not thought of (maybe for the military lmao, the insurance agency would most likely instead be the military and maybe some mishmashing would take place and the insurance agency would actually have relevancy in the plot of trigun??? who knows. i need to think more)

#fullmetal trigun #trigun #fullmetal alchemist

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republictrooper · 10 months

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Strange New Worlds s2e2 Spoilers

Ah, yes, yet another metaphor for modern discrimination and prejudice that doesn't really hold up and may be slightly insulting if you think about it too long.

I mean, Star Trek is a show about metaphors, I get it. But it's only so many times you can go with Metaphors that center a white cis actor playing basically a straight cis white person being on trial/in danger for some sci-fi property like genetic modification or etc. before it kinda gets a little insulting? Like, Black people, queer people, they're in danger TODAY, for various reasons that have little to do with a "justifiable" Eugenics War or fear of Magic Powers, and simply because it is useful for the powers that be that they be an underclass.

Like, you borrow from that well too much without giving the actual modern people adequate representation, it starts getting very noticeable. Mostly, it reminds me that the Federation is a centrist liberal's idea of a socialist utopia, with all the weaknesses granted from that ideology, rather than a full socialist utopia as might be dreamed up by an actual socialist, much less a Marxist Communist.

But also, HELL yes, Neera, tear through the Federation's Hypocrisy and the absolute shit-show that is the Prime Directive like a hot knife through Butter, I LOVE you. You could argue that her actions with Admiral April were self-serving grandstanding, but I felt like they were genuine and the type of needed-to-be-said thing that made it worth it, and certainly a gripping few minutes of television. I think what sealed it too was seeing her comfort La'an about her genetic heritage. This isn't just grandstanding or a crusade for her, it really is about what is right. I can understand April insisting on the regulations, but I dont think he had the right to be as angry at Pike as he was.

Hell yeah, Uhura, stand up. I was so proud of her for refusing to share people's private info. I mean, it seemed more like a way to protect La'an than protect a right to privacy, but you know. I like her backbone anyhow.

Batel doesn't know when to quit, literally and metaphorically. Like, I understand that she's trying to balance her duty to Starfleet with her need to keep access to her favorite boytoy, but like, dang. Her presence in the transporter room suggests Pike has forgiven her, but I'm not sure she earned that. As much as she was rooting for Una, in theory, she seemed more content to be relieved Neera turned out to be good counsel than actually willing to help.

Pasalk and Spock's knock-down, drag-out fight was absolutely hilarious - and I love sassy Spock on the defense stand. I'm not sure I buy Pasalk as an antagonist. He was so flimsy I didnt get why he was so insistent on doggedly pursuing Una.

This episodes climax definitely once again showed the weakness of this being a prequel. of course it's obvious Starfleet's Prejudice is wrong here, but there was no way this could have ended in anything but a loophole that let Una stay but didnt help anyone else. If it happened, then Bashir's story in DS9 makes no sense. Like it or not, the Federation still comes off as bad guys here. Which I think the episode doesn't necessarily shy away from, but it is a little depressing, not gonna lie. Like it or not, Una got off on a technicality and the Federation is everything Neera said it was in that opening argument.A true sequel set in the post-VOY/DS9 future could have dealt with that in a more meaningful way, but instead we got... this.

The clapping at the end didnt land for me, but Pike's awkward bro-hug was the perfect end to this episode. We got through it, we saved Una, and it's good to have her back, but like. Man. That was weird, huh?

Anyway, ok episode, not gonna replace Measure of A Man as Star Trek's best courtroom/thinly veiled metaphor for prejudice any time soon.

And yes, Neera and Una Are DEFINITELY exes. Can't fool me with this "friend" talk.

#star trek #strange new worlds #snw #star trek strange new worlds #spoilers

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moomoomooing · 1 year

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spiraling down into your arms

a/n: i read a jeonghan/mingyu/wonwoo time loop fic and it put me into a mood okay. i also missed how nice it felt to write smth comforting for leona and kyuu. also i didnt edit or proof read any of this so sorry in advance

He was spiraling again, he knew that. He knew it was bad, he knew that he should probably find a way to snap himself out of it, he knows, painfully so, that he’s not okay. That doesn’t stop his thoughts though.

He walked himself through another day. Repeating the same false smiles, the kind that never quite reach the eyes, but just enough to assure someone you are fine (and they believe you). He tells the same lies over and over again, the “I’m fine’s,” the “It’s okay’s.” and the ever so agonizing “Are you ok?” Because he desperately wants someone to see through his facade, to ask that question in return again, and pick up on how his smile can never reach his eyes, and how his eye bags are showing through his concealer. But no one does, so at some point he stops saying “I’m fine,” and instead gives them a weak smile and asks back, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

He came out top of his class again, but he can’t tell if it was a mistake or not. He thinks that it’s best to pretend that he deserves it though, lest someone catches onto his pathetic attempts of pretending. He can’t even process Professor Trein’s praise, it only adds to the churning guilt in his gut. But he smiles, like always, and keeps whatever scraps of composure he had left.

He was avoiding Leona again, he knew how annoyed the lion would be, but he could barely convince himself to get out of bed again. Cater had only given confused looks at first, but now the same sad smile that Kyuu could only offer and return every few days.

Maybe, he thinks, I’ve gotten too good at acting.

By the two-week mark, Ruggie’s been trying to catch him alone, to probably drag him off to confront the ever growing rift between his boyfriend and him, but he can only give weak excuses and murmur something about Rook or Floyd to get Ruggie to awkwardly shuffle away. The next time he tried that, Rook really was around, and he offered to talk. Kyuu tried to find the hidden mockery, the thinly veiled distaste, in his voice, but he was a little too good at acting as well. Kyuu only shrugged him off, saying he had extra paperwork from the Equestrian club he needed to finish. Just because he thought he wasn’t nearly competent enough to help run a club didn’t mean he didn’t still have those responsibilities. Seven’s be damned if he let himself fail something else, he didn’t think he could take another look of sheer disappointment.

He had work today, he had put in a notice that he would need to take a break to accommodate the new workload from the last few weeks, competitions, meets, school events; he didn’t even know why he was being asked to do so much. Surely there were better people right? Determined to not be late, he briskly walked down to the Great Hall and through the Octavinelle mirror, ignoring the ugly churn of bile in his stomach.

He passed someone in the hallways, but he kept his head down. A gruff voice called out, “Oi.” He knew exactly who it was and only uttered a pathetic, “I’m sorry,” barely loud enough to be heard before he scurried down the rest of the hall.

Azul only gave him concerned looks, was he doing worse at his job? He hoped he wouldn’t be fired in favor of someone better, Kyuu thinks he’s been too cold looking at customers recently. There would definitely be better waiters than him. The tweels left him alone for the most part too, he didn’t know if he appreciated the space or loathed it. Time to think and gather himself, time to lose himself to the onslaught of anxiety and fear.

Untill Jade tapped his shoulder. “We seem to be short staffed in the back. I would appreciate someone skilled to aid me with orders.” Not knowing what else to do, he nodded and followed the eel into the back, only dimly aware of the other twin taking his place. The rest of his shift was nice, listening to Jade fill the numbing void his mind imposed on him was nice. He thinks that going back to work was good.

Closing the Lounge and leaving through the doors, strong hands grasp his arm and yanks him toward the mirror. Kyuu can’t even resist, he was tired, and he knew this would have to happen eventually. Maybe he had finally done it, chased the person that made his chest feel warm away again. He was on the verge of tears when they finally made it to Leona’s door.

Before it was pushed open, Ruggie pulled him into a hug, tighter than his usual ones. Kyuu was thankful he stayed silent though, any words might have broken him before he could even face the lion waiting on him. With a final, albeit hesitant, pat, the hyena pushed the door open and Kyuu stepped through to face what he felt was the end of the world.

Instead, he let out a soft “oomph” as his face hit a solid chest. Next, warm arms circled around him and hefted him up. He didn’t even know he was cold. He was brought to the lions luxuriously large bed, being uncharacteristically set down gently instead of the usually playful toss.

“I would’ve helped, you know,” Leona finally says. His voice is quiet, an attempt to not sound like he’s demanding anything. This has happened before, and it clenches his heart painfully to see Kyuu in such an unresponsive state. “...A lot of people would’ve helped.”

He knew he wouldn’t get a response though, and only clung on tighter. Bringing his hand to cup the back of Kyuu’s head, waiting until he heard choked sobs wreck Kyuu’s chest. Strangled “I know’s,” and muffled apologies leave his mouth as he buries his face even deeper into the crook of Leona’s neck. Kyuu forgot how much he missed this, his self-imposed isolation convinced himself he never needed it in the first place. Soft kisses on the top of Kyuu’s head ground him, the gentle circles Leona’s thumbs rubbed into his back and head. Soft assurances left Leona’s mouth, and for the first time in three weeks, Kyuu felt just a little bit better.

The next day he felt only barely more energized, but it was something. There had been a silent agreement to skip classes today, a decision Leona made with minimal protest from Kyuu. A long stretch of his arms made him aware of the tension and soreness he had been ignoring from hours of hunching over work. He thinks a break would be nice. Right now, he didn’t want to look at his phone, but maybe later today, when Leona wakes up.

Maybe, he thinks, I’m not as good at acting as I thought. And he smiled.

#moomoos writes #leona Kingscholar x oc #twisted wonderland oc #im fine just in a mood-#i had too many moods and feelings to convey #and i did not convey any of them well

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sea-dukes-assistant · 1 year

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✨ 2022 Writing Year In Review ✨

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 4, and 2 chapters to existing work

2. Word count posted for the year: LOL I'm not counting that shit.

3. Fandoms I wrote for: British royalty RPF, The Crown

4. Pairings: Prince Philip/myself, sometimes Prince Philip/Queen Elizabeth II

5. Story with the most:

Kudos: The DTF Chronicles, strangely enough

Bookmarks: The obligatory uniform kink piece, with a whole ass 1 bookmark (bless)

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why): The uniform kink story, because I feel it captures the dynamic he and I have very well. Also it's the very definition of a horny masterpiece in my opinion. It's got feels and great sex while still managing to be well written. As of yet, my best, I think.

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why): My re-works of The Crown episodes. I started it as a creative exercise but now I just feel silly doing it at all. It's just...a difficult on for me to work with for a variety of reasons.

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

I don't have many to choose from, to be honest. One that keeps me feeling positive about doing this though is this one: "See this is why I enjoy this story so much. You write out things that are incredibly difficult for me to even contemplate thinking about - and I'm talking honest feels, not sexy-times. I really admire the courage it must take. More than I can say." - @yeet-didnt-start-the-fire

9. A time when writing was really, really hard:

This past summer. There was a lot of thinly veiled homophobia and bullying, including degrading this all to a "fetish," and personal investment/disturbing amount of interest in my actual sex life because women deep down can't accept me feeling the way I do about him. Was one thing of many that put me into a depressive state (along with my trauma-versary and my grandmother's death day...on my birthday).

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

It's neither, but this one. First time introducing a man not Sea Duke into it, and I was incredibly nervous with writing/posting what basically was a horny dream I had. I think it ended up being the most explicit I'd written.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

This chapter of Explain Your Bullshit: The Fucking Canon.

12. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I got better at writing the sexytimes!

13. How do you hope to grow next year:

I don't know...I may not even write anything.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

@yeet-didnt-start-the-fire @betweenfrocksandbooks

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

I wrote a thing to process the Queen's death, but I can't seem to find it in my archive here to link. I didn't post it on AO3.

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Nothing new to share, no. Just...write your shit, queen/king.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: I have lot I'd like to add to. I have a lot I'd like to finish, one of which being a work exploring another slight kink I have with him. There are a few I'd like to start. I expect nothing to happen with any of these, because lately, writing has brought more bullshit than interest.

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electrificata · 11 months

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having music critic thots abt the weeknd im so so sorry

i saw the weeknd in concert last summer, it was amazing. i really dont like stadium shows usually, but his was killer, he had a cool stage concept (gently mad max-ish cult leader and his dancer-disciples, giant inflatable moon) and he's got the presence to fill up all that space. and ive been listening to him for almost a decade, obviously the music's there. actually the show i was at was where he debuted the trailer for the idol. its out now and i havent watched yet. i thought it looked cool then, but after everything ive heard.....im just really ambivalent.

in the early days, when he was keeping mysterious, no press, no photos, you didnt even know if the weeknd was a band or a guy. just this chilly, atmospheric, sleazy/sexy horror-movie r&b. nothing supernatural. but cruel. the lyrics were all about the worst kind of fuckboy shit, and obviously drugs, and the music really seemed to give proper weight to it. the speaker in the songs was awful, the music was telling you that his actions were violent and terrifying for the women he's hurting and for toxic for himself. if youre a person attracted to men, you know what its like to see how awful a guy can be and still be into him, maybe even BECAUSE of how awful he is. thats a fucking horror movie. those first xo eps are crazy, i still listen to them.

then he goes pop star. i remember the collab w/ ariana grande in 2014 was surprising but it found a perfect, plausible midpoint between their two universes. then he goes full max martin in 2015 with "can't feel my face" and again, bizarre to see this plausible way for the prince of darkness to get to the top 40 via a neo-michael jackson jam with a veiled drug reference as opposed to multiple explicit ones. but it made sense! he danced onstage now! i remember hearing it on the radio when i was picking my cousins up from middle school, that felt surreal.

and he just kept on doing the popstar thing. i dont think the sleaze ever really left, it just receded into the background. killer atmosphere, more pop hooks, a general darkness that felt credible coming from him because of the early stuff, its just lit with neon now. he gets increasingly more conceptual, which i love. i love a concept album. its still about fucked up relationships and now death more generally instead of drugs specifically. cool, great. i've been with him the entire time. that brings us up more-or-less to the present.

im not gonna recap all the shit around the idol, if you want it im sure theres an article or youtube video thatll do a better job than i can. ill just summarize my own thoughts: it feels like the sleaze is back, maybe some of the horror, but also Glamour. johnny depp's supermodel daughter has cum on her face. we're seeing headlines about how gross the sex scenes are. look how Glamorous this is. classic showbiz trick of using a cautionary tale about gross men preying on women to just....create images and narratives about gross men preying on women. this might be the place i cant follow him. i cant rule out watching it, i am a habitual hater and i might be in the mood to hate soon. but its making me think about the way we use glamour and beauty in entertainment. it cant be a default, it has an effect on the story.

#the weeknd #i used to have a tag for this shit cant remember what it is #armchair music critic #'i feel it coming' was absolutely crazy live. i can remember it in minute detail

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puff-mmd · 8 months

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(this is about yakumo btw, this is what i get for pasting discord messages into a tumblr post on my lunch)

i have been thinking about how him and kaisei met, and how their relationship changed over time to what it eventually became before kaisei essentially kicked him to the curb for ciro, and i feel... a little bad for him...

his parents hated that he liked men and made sure he knew of their disapproval, but forced him to stay at home and finish high school (in their eyes the only thing worse than a gay son was a deadbeat gay son)

but it was pretty tortorous for him for at least 2 years before he finally moved out at 18 into his own apartment. it was a run down, crappy place but to him it was better than being berated at home.

i don't think he even told kaisei that was the reason he got a place of his own though, probably more of a veiled "just wanted to be on my own" kind of thing.

and then i thought about kaisei visiting yakumo soon after he moves out, and that's when they kinda...

ended up being intimate for the first time.

and kaisei experiences his first real heartbreak :')

he had a bit of a crush on yakumo already (they were at least friends in school) and after they did it, he asked yakumo to be his boyfriend. in his mind, that made sense - you like someone, they do something that means they like you back, you should date - right?

....except yakumo was already horrified that he actually acted on his feelings that he's been told for years now were wrong and horrible, and he reacted to kaisei's offer with revoltion. even though he liked it, the fact that he did disgusted him - all he could see were his parents disapproving eyes and hear their vulgar comments running through his head.

kaisei keeps himself together and that he hopes they can still be friends at least, but when he gets home (still thinking he lives at home at this point), he ends up spilling what happened to his mom who tries her best to comfort him.

as time goes on, yakumo starts to take on this "fuck my parents they were assholes" attitude and starts to accept his sexuality, but he's still hesitant about being in a relationship, and anytime kaisei would hint at it, he'd still shut him down.

whats killing me a little is after kaisei and ciro get together, i keep thinking how yakumo feels like he pushed away the one person that did make him feel some happiness. that no matter what, kaisei was there for him - even if he didn't understand why when he always rejected him.

(it's because kaisei craves love and affection so much that he does try to find it elsewhere, fails, and also sees yakumo as someone to fall back on)

.....also it just occured to me that yakumos parents probably found out he was gay because he and kaisei did do some things when they were younger, and i imagined for a moment they got caught kissing and well

one of his parents that caught them probably asked kaisei to leave so they could "talk" with yakumo, so he didnt even realize what was going to happen after (kaisei is still young and hasn't been the target of many if any negative perceptions for his own sexuality - he has a loving mom who makes sure he feels safe, and for the most part people at school still think he's cool - even if some of them in private dont like that he's gay)

and yakumo never telling kaisei about all of that verbal and emotional abuse, and if he ever does, its much much later...;;;

#kaisei #yakumo #oc #rambles #rambling

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dirt-str1der · 1 year

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I keep thinking about the mechanics for how to make kazumaji happen outside of adrenaline fuelled lovemaking , like obviously majima isnt going to solicit him for an actual relationship because whatever they have going on is already more than he expected to get because majima isnt a wanting man he gets dealt his hand then he plays (plus hes waiting for someone else , he cant leave and have his story end with kiryu , they both know this) , kiryu isnt a wanting man either i mean not for his love life but you know this guy fights like hell to get what he wants. He doesn’t exactly have a problem pulling girls but its the commitment after thats the issue , he always has someplace to be thats not here no matter how suave and charming he is youre gonna be wondering why he ghosted you for three years then find out he just got released from prison the point is that he doesnt follow through. Once youre done with him then youre done and very rarely is he gonna come back (unless he wasnt actually done with you). Majima offers to help him out in osaka and kiryu says no no no see ive left you behind i have to live this next chapter of my life properly now , without you. He has this inability to understand that people want to spend time with him thats not him helping them / repaying him a favour / working together to achieve a common goal. You literally cant assume he’ll be around you really have to cling tight or he’ll find some reason to fuck off and by then you cant even ask him to stay because Shit is it a good reason. Y0 nishiki got so so fucking close to showing kiryu he didnt need to have any redeeming qualities for people to like hanging out with him. He didnt need to be fun or like to party or entertaining at all , just him sitting quietly on a nearby barstool and maybe clapping along is enough to make his night fun as hell. Im sure kiryu realises that he can be distant and lack initiative , im sure this self awareness has convinced him that hes an undesirable long term romantic partner , and majima fucking up big time with mirei also forces him to internalise the fact that hes not a good partner either. So the two of them have to really really Really want something to start it because otherwise theyd be gracefully and expertly sidestepping any mention of commitment , pirouetting around the word “partner”, assuming they’ve made things clear when no discussion had taken place. They dont figure it out because its obvious to everybody thats not them, all the thinly veiled offers to be useful to each other, the leaning forward when they speak to each other , the open mouthed kisses with tongue , they want each other. More than one time , more than This... but how does one communicate something they havent realised yet ...

#Yakuza loveblog #now hear me out .. kiryu only asks girls out but he wont say no if a guy (he likes) solicits him (if its a guy he doesnt like hed be like #EW !! no !!! <- using his homophobic voice) so bear with me. kazumaji can happen the moment kiryu realises that majima is a girl #i like tht kiryu isnt interested in long term relationships but also hes kind of horny. a barker would be like Hey ! you look like you have #big muscles / a deep voice / masculine energy Sir do you want to HAVE SEX ? And kiryus like Now you got me interested #girls will sexually harrass him but guys on the street will tell him shit like Im a straight man but ....#anyway i believe that majima has to get the ball rolling before kiryu can take it the whole way because he decides that he loves this a lot #i think that they should book a hotel room in osaka for about two to three hours (kiryu is not going to risk doing it in the orphanage) and #kiryu loves him enough to tell him i cleaned my ass for this <3 and when majima is sack deep he asks if kiryu has had any girlfriends since #leaving tokyo (he cares a lot. he would be happy if kiryu got a girlfriend to take care of him) and he laughs and asks him how the hell hes #supposed to get a girlfriend while taking care of nine kids and besides .. he only likes him. right now kiryu only likes majima ...#i think he might cry from being told that. i really think he likes kiryu a ridiculous amount and it made him melt to hear that #sometimes a home is a person because you can come inside #and the only thing kiryus waxing is poetic hashtag bush nation #im not done. sorry for signing off. i believe that majima doesnt get jealous he might get a bit melancholy but he wont lash out because #kiryus ‘seeing some other girl’ he would totally ship them forgive my phrasing hed be the best wingman ever he would also drill kiryus #partner like hiiii so this is the lucky lady <3 and conduct a full background check on her just to be safe. kiryus precious to him he #gotta scare her a bit. let her know just how important kiryu is to him and how sharp his knife is haha take it easy though. hope you make #him happier than i could. i think their relationship will always skew one way with majima knowing everything about kiryu and kiryu knowing #very little about majima. he would be surprised to learn that majima is divorced. he was surprised to know that majima had a brother #in a better universe kiryu would have been able to identify saejima by description alone. as it stands i think he might have had an inkling #looking at ... ‘suzuki’ and thinking majima had a brother in prison .. hmmm ... somehow this guy reminds me of him ..... somehow #anyway he knows majima doesnt like to talk about it so he forgets his past and takes him as he is now. doesnt ask where all those scars on #his wrists came from. doesnt ask about his ex wife. hes content to exist as they are and majima knows kiryu wont ask and he feels bad about #it because he thinks kiryu should know .. but the words dont come out and kiryu is always so understanding ...#i think saejima makes majima talk but thats cause hes big on communication. he squeezes it out of majima and he cries hearing what he was #put through and majima comes out of it raw but lighter. see saejima is his best friend but kiryu is his special baby boy the dont need to #they dont have to say anything theyre just here for the company #okay im done hii hiiiiiiiiii hiiiiiiii hi

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mean-hare · 11 months

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diary 12-13 (april-may)

will not edit and erase mistakes bc fuck it, nobody will read dis shit anyways

april, 1 i was visiting a zoo with my parents for a few hours. i walked there by myself staring at all the creatures. this is a good zoo, animals were curious and active. some animals slept in their warm dens. this spring is pretty cold. there were many cats: caracal, black and plain leopards, white and common tigers, lynxes, servals, pumas, lions, wildcats, fishercats. there were white and red wolves. red ones stared at me as well. i gave carrots for llamas and goats. i sometimes i can gaze a lot. my parents were waiting for the end of my gazing in nearby cafe. i can guess that there was tasty food but way too much loud human children. i had an only meal at evening after wenting to a local shop for another pack of milk and stuff. things. items. sounds suspiciously. i just cant remember what i ve got and ate after all.

april, 2 i had to walk with my dog. the evening was cold, lonely. orange dots of flaming cigarets glowed into the dark in the hands of rare strangers. my clothes were too cold. i craved tea. i also craved lying on an asphalt but my mother recently washed my coat and i didnt want to waste her work. my dog didnt want to walk more than 30 munutes. he was recently trimmed and felt cold i think. or just didnt like this weather. everybody thought that spring will be warmer. i like it cold.

april, 3 ive got a new clipper, its cheap, blue and absolutely cursed. i mean. when i click it in 9 of 10 clicks it doesnt work but starts to smell like a benzene or kerosene or wtf is that. but when works it throws 10 cm high flame. sometimes not from the main hole but from some hidden crack on a side. and when it doesnt throw flame it squirts with dewdrops of a kerosene or benzene or whatever is this on my fingers with every click. fuckin hell, its weird and funny and increase risk of accidental arson. a posessed item.

april, 4 note on some piece of paper from this day:"shop: drinks, snacks" which? what? so? wery smart, the past me, i dont remember.

april, 5 18:30. family bond with my dog. really noir day with some fine noir jazz. late evening, felt cold, walked that cold concrete pathes of forlornificated city part, just me and my dog patrik. it starting to snow. tiny dots of snow melted on a concrete for now but cars were covered in that thin veil of cold white dust.

april, 6 keep going thru the snow to a far market to buy specific kinds of snacks and sodas just because i have random shitty cravings sometimes. streets were like the end of the world in north city edge (its not really norht tho). ground is flooded by snow, both solid and melted. my waterproof shoes are not waterproof anymore. people are ugly as always. i feellike i will faint and fall and they will be even uglier and more hostile. so many snow. im so dizzy, nobody can understand how…

april, 7 i think about summer with anxiety. i sleep in clothes because it helps me to feel better by not seeing my body and also jeans are my comfy texture. thats even decrease my s/h. but what will i do in summer when even being naked is too hot. i cant stand even though about my bare skin, about skin rubbing skin. i dont want it!!! i dont want it!!! when will that legendary undernourished everlasting ana cold feeling will ascent to me?? please i want to be able to wear clothes in hot weather. id rather freeze than thrive in heat.

april, 8 tomorrow my aunt will come from italy. im a little concerned. like im a dirty creature with trash covered room, stained clothes and just jenerally unclean and unsanitary guy. and she have almost a mania about clean and tidy. i even dirtier than before bc my cleaning abilities are decreased, disfunction or depression made it or whatever, anyway i cant help. and also. she saw me before when i was skinny. shit. i dont want she to see me miserable and fat like this. i will cover myself in oversized clothes as always but i dont think it helps.

april, 9 it wasnt that bad (i mean my aunt, not an intake, i ate too much chocolate but that could be worse too). she doesnt come in my room, im not leaving it often either. she gave me a few cool print clothes. tshirt with flaming guitar, another one with dragon and weird crop hoodie with girl from anime i never watched and know about only from one very dumb meme (not even related to an actual anime). i guess that in this boring-plain-minimalistic-fashion era many can say that these tees are tasteless or outdated or something but for me stuck in 2008 they are great! also she bring tea with different tastes, black and green ones. it was my order. she also got so many cheese and meat, like expensive foreign ones. i think my father is exited, he loves cheese.

april, 10 i was send to 2 markets to buy butter, two kinds of bread and lemon juice. i was in 2 of them bc they dont have that kind of bread and juice everywhere and the second market was just cheaper. i didnt buy many things for me myself, just a canned tea, some chips and little choco bar. i buy much less food than before. feels like im just bored or something.

april, 11 almost every day my mom an her sister (my aunt) are going somewhere. my mom showed me her plans, its a visits to the doctors, relatives, graves of another relatives. boring stuff for elder peeple. theres nothing in the fridge but all those fuckin cheese and meat. i dont really fan of cheese but i munched one, the kind with a special moldy core. i didnt eat that core. my mom sometimes laughing at me because of it but that is. i love that special creamy taste but i hate that tasteless moldy crust.

april, 12 i was sent again to buy a butter and latvian bread again. also the milk. i spent more than hour and went to a 4 markets to find that bread and only found the last one pack in the last market. its just the kind of a gray bread with seeds, idk why it was so popular today. i dont really eat it but my parents love it. all the extra money i spent on drinks. also spicy chips, i cant help but buy that, i fuckin missed it. also ive got very cheap and small bag of turkish mint candies. they tasted like confusion and very y2k-ish i spent the night by drinking that drinks and drawing stupid things, then i somehow somewhy watched the boondocks series for 5 hours long and then went to the kitchen, realized that all people left, munch some cold palacsintas (pancakes with curd), read few articles about ukrainian gays (one article was very homophobic) and felt asleep with the noise on the background. i slept for maybe jusy a few minutes, april, 13 then i woke up, fed my dog, ate one more palacsinta, drank the last can of energy drink, started to watch cartoon about trolls and then felt asleep again, woke up by my dog, drank an energy leftovers, was still very sleepy but had to walk with a dog. he was very good boy today so i gave him dog candies. i stoped feeling sleepy but now im feeling dizzy and a little feverish. it may be because of too much caffeine. or not. im not the doctor and dont want to go to one. we die like men lol. im trying now to count calories. it cant be too much but i cant get my head into thinking.

april, 14 some days i think that my legs are thinner and knees are sharper. i always end up denying it. theres no way to prove it anyway and its dangerous to believe that i become better if actually im degrading. illusions arent ok. i most likely didnt become thinner.

april, 15 weather became awfully warm and light. nights are still cold, i lay under a thick blanket. i can not sleep wel. wake up every day at the morning after only few hours of sleep. thats disgusting, bad, i hate it.

april, 16 my aunt made 2 lasagnas. one was cheese one, just for me bc i dont eat meat. i never ate lasagnas before. so i had this dinner right after unexpected exhausting pre dinner nap (it started happening with me sometimes and i hate it). i ate only a half, maybe a little more, it was very filling. mom put leftover in fridge. she will heat it for me when i will ask. i can forget about it and so it can gone bad. and im not saying about fake 'forget" as an excuse to skip meals, i really can forget. i just recall that theres still a piece of my lavash laing in a bread basked for few weeks now. i hope its not moldy yet. i also tend to forget about yogusts so they spoil and i should throw them away. i hate wasting food…

april, 17 im watching skins seres for a few days now. they are very stupid, its fascinating. cassie is especially stupid and annoying (i dont hate her, she is just very annoying. just like affy) . and i dont know why, but the stupidest ana inspo is the most working. maybe its just some nostalgia for oldschool proana blogs that posted that stupidest quotes with that specific pics of headless skinny bodies. yeah. nostalgia is shit…

april, 18 today was the last day of my aunt presence and mom bought cake. i allowed myself a piece. my mom had sore throat. i was sleepy too early again. went to sleep at 1 am. i dont want to sleep that early! i loved the pleasure of late sleeps and wakes. i was a little dizzy. im dizzy all the time nowadays and getting angry. i argued with my last friend (on internet) because of doctors (i hate all the psychiatrists and when i think about them i become angry. ive never met a good one in whole my life) i write to danny who used to be my friend. i said that i will be thin. thinner than him, his girlfriend and everybody he knows and respects. he wrote "bruh". i said that i still dont understand the meaning of this message. he said that he doesnt understand many of my messages. i said that i always try to explain when he asks but he never ask. he doesnt care to understand. he didnt answer. maybe he didnt even read that message, as he does often. im angry at him, at his promise to always be my friend that lasted until he found his girlfriend and forget about me,im angry that he was the first guy i tried to be good and faithful friend with, i really tried, and he just broke everything in that stupid way. im angry and im sad. i think he could like me more and spend a little more time with me if i was skinny, at least because he could feel sorry for me, feel guilt, anything. anyway all the people that say that they dont care about your appearance are lying. they care. maybe i could never have his respect. anyway. im determined. i will do it. i will mess up sometimes but i will do it. "you will lose your friends because of your ed" perfect. i already have none.

april, 19 today my aunt moved away at morning. i slept at that time. i had a dream as if my neighbor burned something - there was a big burned out black pitch on the lawn and the air smelled like burning. also me and my mom searched someone in a hospital. at the end of a dream i kissed a pretty suicidal boy. it was cool. i bought many drinks and overcaf myself as always. bought a cool clipper with eagle. actually i consume more than planned but i also walked more so i hope it burned the excess. walked with my dog in evening. he is happy i guess.

april, 20 i was so active. changed many things in my room. full of work. too much green tea on my table. i can not drink all of it. so many things changed their location. room looks bigger now. my mom still ill so she asked me to buy some oranges (fuckin vitamin c) so i went to the mall. i never ever buy fruits before. i always know how to do it and always could do it, no issues with it. i just dont like to do it, like put them in a bag, weight and so on. im too lazy for it lol. i met a cassier boy i have a crush on. well i dont like the crush term. maybe beloved will sounds better? one i love? emotional evoking boy. everything sounds stupid in this stupid language. i met him at the fruit aisle. i bought some stuff and headed away with an eskimo icecream. boy ended his work at the same time. it happens that our roads crossed for a few minutes. it was uh.. i love to have a time with him in it. well we just walked the same street and there were at least 5 meters between us and all the interaction were just my stare and a few awkward smiles. he went home. i guess i know where he lives now. anyway it doesnt change anything. im capable for nothing more than gaze and smile. hes lucky. im so miserable.

april, 21 morning is for sweet cheese candies. noon is for coffee. evening is for cheese lasagna leftovers. i used so many napkins and spent a lot of time to whip off all that fat and oil out of this meal. night im watching crime series while trying not to fall asleep too soon. feeling kinda stomachachy. fvck this day.

april, 22 i recalled my memories about the times of school and psych waed. it made me sick aand destroyed my future. i wish i could just forget it all. i have another awful memory. its about when i threw away my toys when considered myself too grown up for them (13-15 y.o. i think). i never ever trully regret about anything i ever did to humans and i did many things that considered bad and mean. but i always regret painfully about that toys i betrayed. it eats me out every day. i wis i could just delete all my memories.

april, 23 i dont talk with anyone. dont chat. i can not talk with people without being irritated. i feel myself dismissed. i have too many things and thoughts that people dont like to hear and i bring these up. i cant help but being like this. my already weak contact with humans is getting weaker and i dont even care really anymore. heaven know i tried but im too different. i feel myself superior but i may be not, the only i know for sure is that im different and im irritated. fuck them all, fuck them, fuck them. i can lay in my den on clutter, pensils, clothes, towels and toys again. i can sleep like this. i can hide under that thick blanket with gay disney kittens and drift away while imagining hands and hair of guys i saw in sleep, they showed me love. one of them has long black hairand maybe asian skin. second has long brown dreadlocks and burntcaramelcoloured skin. i feel it like in somewhat disordered times of 2016. sick and dreamlike. i felt like i can start levitating soon. im away, im different, im holy and lonely and full of bright worlds. i used to play the guitar with too many flanger effect then, i guess its time to start playing again, even if i cant play and guitar is out of tune, anyway i cant do anything good anymore.

april, 24 everything is in bloom but the veather is very cold now. its like a snowless winter. plants are loosers.

april, 25 zero cola, energy can, some lowcal munch. tea with grape flavor in 8 dirty mugs. walked my dog, saw many others dogs. evening streets are good looking because of lights of modern lanterns and white neon shops lights. pets are smart asses. doggy learned how to open the doors to my rooms and often do it without my consent when i go to the market or literall at any time he wants to come and lay on my matress and cover my jeans with drools. and cat runs to my room and a)just walks b)doing some annoying shit. i have to admit: he is very annoying for me. i dont hate or hurt him but i dont really like him in my room. he is tiring like an active child. i know it well, im my own child.

april, 26 refilled myself with spice and drinks. walked my dog. walk was ok i guess.

april, 27 i started to drink because i woke up, my sleep was rudely interrupted, and didnt want to feel dizzy (spoiler: it didnt help). i made a cup of cofe and few of tea. then i started to feel symptoms of the overcaff dizziness. i went to a market to buy something tasty and waking bc i became suddenly sleepy. i got it and walked away with coffee cola in my hand. also i decided that i shouldnt tke energy drinks on an empty stomach so i ate some chips. then i finished cola, drank old energy drink with new taste. i wasdrinking e drink with cannabis (not drugs) when my laptop failed with connection again. i put some music. curled under the blanket, i feel dizzy and cold.

april, 28 a mess.

april, 29 whats up? few tv series? some tea and random snacks? nothing interesting? waste of time. dry and dull anger out of desperation and sadness.

april, 30 doing boring stuff in my room

may, 1 i decided to spend my money on zero soda and new tastes of icecream (icecream is my safe food)

may, 2 i walked a dog. i think we have a good connection. he shows me directions he wants to go and i decide if we go, he behaves very well, he understands my gestures, it seems like he just minds his own business andi mind mine but he looks for me and knows that i will lead and hepl him if it needed

may, 3 my dad came for a few hours and leaved again (because of work, as always). i drank milk leftouts and walk a dog. i always walk him at evening when dads not home.

may, 4 i woke up at 18. i was in the market, saw a boy i have a crush on, my hed spinned and i almost blacked out. but nobody notised it (at least i think so) dad returned, walked a dog, i ate few cheap candies, drank a new monster and joined another discord server.

may, 5 i found out another my bad habit. i bite my lip piercing metal all the time. its ugly and diy and by biting i make it even uglier, i chew out its black dye. my teeth are swelling a little, and piercing places are too. idk how i still do it without any problems or infections. this habit is annoyng as hell even for myself. i cant stop.

may, 6 so, suslique, i thought looking at my cat ron ("suslique" ad i call every cat) munching a stealed dog fodder and purring out loud, i like you more than i hate you, ur teencat shitto, funny as a fuck"

may, 7 i was so ugly today when i went out for cheap milk and cheap chips and expensive clippetr again. i chilled at the rusty stairs of an abandoned building when saw the old man below who put his big bag on the grass, said "hop!" and released his pug from it. pug was very old and a little crippled. that grandpa bring him there to walk on the grass. people on crowded streets stared on me. i didnt feel goodlooking, i think i was especially unatracteive. i have bnged at night. i hate myself and i have reasons for it.

may, 8 i woke up at 18 and then went away bc of neighbors catasthrophic drills. i still overcome my intake limits somehow

may, 9 all the fuckin mornin i couldnt sleep. then i slept maybe 2 hours till 16, laid for a hour interrupted by my dog who asked to in and out of my rooom for too many times and then again the drills, im on a street and i hate it.

may, 10 i bonged on my moms failed cookies lol.actually theyre not that bad but theres too much flavour in them, it feels weird and hurts my stomach a littl but idc. i usually dont care about my stomach.

may, 11 made a blog for selfies. time to be a king of shame. actually i often take selfies but then delete. sometimes i regret. i have a few pics from 2016, its so weird to see my skin without all these marks, scars and scabs.

may, 12 its so hard to remind myself again that i dont need to buy food all the time, that my fav food will always be and i dont need to buy it all the time i go i that shop because in fact its not always there. its fuckin ukraine with fuckin problems andi will be the last asshole for everyone bc " theres people suffering and dying in other regions and here you are in a safe warm house whinning about lack of marsmallows or anything" but this is my diary that nobody reads anyway so i can say what i want. i dont feel anything about people. i have nothing to say more for now.

may, 13 i was just chillin, indin my bznez and then my mom came and said "do you wanna see the australias song on a eurovision? i think you ll like it". i did. oh shit how i liked it! i loved. mom watched online translation and i saw cuts of all ev2023 songs. most of them was shit exept for maybe 5 of them. my mom sms-voted for poland but polish show and song was shit, i felt offended by it and well…it was the first time i woted in eurovision. for australia of course. those cool longhaired dudes in shiny jackets deserve everything. as a ukraine living guy i feel sad for ukrainian band, it was boring and shitty. and as a hungarian im very sad about hungarian homophobic politics because of which hungary didnt play in a contest.

may, 14 i found out results of contest and was offended by them for maybe a hour, bragged a little, liked few posts about stupid judges and then i found that it all doesnt matter, australia still ma winner, few other cool guys alo rule. i listened a voyager songs and couldnt fall asleep, i guess i was very stimulated by all of it and by too much sugar and caffeine intake, again, holy shit!

may, 15 another day of bread with cheese an teen series.

may, 16 and then another day when i must walk away because of drills. with money in my emo bagpack. endless shops saving me from awful heat and blinding sun but destroying my weight and consuming my cash.

may, 17 hungry rotting feeling. trying to kill it with tea but tea will only make it worse.cold tea of yesterday. sick feeling inside.

may, 18 i understood why i didnt harmed myself so long. i walk and sleep in jeans and take them of only in toilet or whet taking a bath. so legs covered and left untouched most of the time.i can hurt hands of course but it much more visible and suspicious. i dont need my parents to see.

may, 19 i walking my dog patrik a little earlier than always. hes 9 y old,still funny and lively but age is showing. he cant hold himself for long. i think he will need 3 walks per day instead of long 2. when he looks into my eyes with his beautiful big brown melancholick eyes i can see a gray and white hairs around his eyes. his muzzle was always gray but these hairs are definiteky signs of old. i am afraid of future, for real. im afraid about my dog. i have nobody else, i love nobody but him. he can be really selfish and annoying but i cand imagine how to be without him.

may, 20 it was awful bc i slept for only 3 or four hours and i could sleep more but fuckin neighbors with their drills didnt allowed it so i was on the street vlinded by the sun where shitheaded old fuckers chase away old homeless doggiesaway from the places near playgrounds and i cant protect dogs from them bc i am mute. i was upset and flush away feelings with a cola which made me bad. i strayed a little, didnt move too much. i sat on the weird place near the playground but protected from others by piece of wall of 70cm heigh. nobody interested in that place anymore. and it looks like asmall abandoned stage made of bricks and concrete. there was a bench by the wall but it was covered in trash so i sat directly onthe concrete stage. i drank an energy drink with juice, watched the red stray tomcat. i also founda little plush horse, took it with me and wash with a shampoo. its drying now in my room. i drank coffee all the day and at the end looked and felt like 7 weeks old zombie. when i walked with a dog some kids laughed at me, sweared. i really dont understand why. i looked at myself in the mirror and couldnt understand whats so funny, whats wrong with me, what makes me hilarious.i couldnt find. im wasnt really outstandish, nothing to stare to laught. and yet people stare and laugh, every single day. tonight i binged because of nerves

may, 21 i just sat in my room, watched american old wideos, ate few pieces of plain bread, drank teas and lemon water.

may, 22 tried less fat oven baked chips, theyre surprisingly very tasty. new low cal juice icecream named volcano was also tasty but made my hands icky. i was taking very hot bath and almost blacked out. its a bad habit. bathroom was all foggy and soggy, i listened to lifelover dramatically. just when i finished taking my clothes on all the light in house went off. mom said sometimes it will be like this in summer bc they should repair the wires and everything like that which was damaged bu russian weapons.

may, 23 thats so bad and painful when you cant wear your only good jeans and have to walk around in some beige shorts or godforbidden sport pants. i trully hate all the trousers fabrics that are not denim.

may, 24 i know that i could been writing much more interesting diary and even make a book just out of it if just i have an interesting life with people and actions in it. or if i could lie realistically. but i cant so i dont. anyway i often think that one who will read this wouldnt trust me. somehow i have some kins of fear of untrust almost all my life.

may, 25 i cant cope with my life. i never could.

may, 26 today was good honestrly. i had to roam again. but today was bday of my plush dog sasha. i took him with me in my bagpack. it starts raining, normally id didnt mind but i dint know how kong i will stray and it would be very uncomfy with wet clothes on so i stood under the arc for some time, then i came to the clothest market, got icecream and cola, sat in little playhouse on the nearest playground and read kurt vonnegut book from library. playhouse was cool, it had stars painted on its roof.im sure i looked weird in that place for people passing by but i didnt care too much. when rain ends i walked to the mall. theres many clothes shops but i came to watch the landscape only, theres 4 or 5 floors and i watched on this shitty city thru the big window on each floor. city looked not that bad. then i walked into another store and bought pepsi mango. i dont remenber what happened after that but it wasnt good probably.

may, 27 junkfood, blackcola & darkjazZ ' may, 28 me, dog and my parents was at the countryside. it was desolate because nobody lives there after grandpas death, only chikens, bees and skinny cat. im sorry for the cat. sometimes grandpas children come there. my dad did something in garage, my mom cleaned the fridge because there was rotten food. patrik walked around. everybody waited for some old man who will take beehives. what i did: found 5 meters of chain, big scissors, club of wires, scissors and bottle of carbonatedwater and decide to take it all with me walked on the pasture until it was too hot hugged with a horse. it was lightbrown or maybe red breedless mare, country working horse. she was so cuddly. petted that skinny cat until patrik chase her away drank green tea and another bottle of carbonated water read books of ukrainian folk tales with pictures of beautiful longhaired boys layed on the sofa listening to mamaleek and making stupid selfies took pictures of toys i bring with me (toy horses, toy dogs, toy cars, enchantimals girl from kinder surprise? bunny arsonist) dancing and running to techno or whatever rhytmic music in that big room with sofa. walked with mom to the nearest shop for ice cream observed mare and cute foal who wanted to play with my dog but his mom scared him away. finally the foal came to me and touched my hand by his muzzle. draw my dog with halk organized buttons from box by colour (i loved this "game"in my childhood so much) watered plants in pots nobody planted for maybe months (sadly the big palm tree was dead) tumbled/somersaulted in same big sofa room (such a big space, i thought i shoud use it)

may, 29 went onto the field behind the city with my dog. walked there fast so insects couldnt bite us. sunset, moonrise. i even felt like a horse and runned there a little. pathway in high untouched wild grass. good time.

may, 30 i hate children and teens, because they laughing at me, even those goodlooking one are laughing at me, fuck off little pieces of shit, whats so hilarious you find in me to mock?!

may, 31 the reclusive road by consciousness removal project this is the song i listen slowed and reverbed way too much in especially sad and lonely night..

#ed bllog #disorder #mhwnbcb

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